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TRAVEL: The Rose CORPORATE Bushes: The Sex and the ••i iw El Salvador and back: all MEDIA: P 'S j the national sites, Ubyssey: \ Jf^m$~\n 24 hours — guaranteed Everyone's favorite newspaper Single Puppy: Exciting new sequel to The Thorn Birds, An exclusive behind shot In George Pedersen's garden. west of 6th and Granville gets the kennels report { sold after bloody battle between Southam, Thompson and Or, we take gratuitous shots Page ' hr*m CUP. "I loved it till the at our bosses. Page B17 end," laments Cuppie. 06 Page B1 Page A5 Page F2 ^> See inside: Today's weather: SELF ACID RAIN INDULGENCE Stay indoors * * * * * No sense he weakened Stum $500 outside Pacific Press WRECK BEACH, NEAR SUNNY UBC FRIDAY, APRIL 1 WEATHERMAN SEES SUNNY SKIES Latremouille to grab premier's seat 'I didn't do those gov't ads for nothing/ he says, 'or did I?' By BRAWN KEENER . er . New Democratic Party with Weakened Kamloops Bureau votes," he predicted. Latremouille's stunning move sent shivers down the spines of Conservative party In a surprise move, BCTV weatherman members currently searching for a new Fred Latremouille has taken the Social Credit knifeholder, also sometimes called Tory party by storm and will lead it into the next leader. Inside informants at the CBC claim provincial election, replacing premier Bill that newsreader Knowlton Nash is pondering Bennett. a stab at the job. "The premier has been in a high pressure "After all," Nash reportedly said, "the .area for some time now," said a sunny Tories . agree on one, .thing,, surprisingly Latremouille, "and he's feeling under the enough, and that's the need for a national weather. Consequently the party decided it candidate. So who could be a better National would be best for Bill and for the investment candidate than me?" climate in B.C. if a new front moved in. That Observers feel that if Nash were to throw front is me." his hat in the ring the only man capable of Latremouille, the controversial freelance stopping him is Lloyd Robertson of CTV. weatherman who faced a hail of criticism for When contacted Robertson said of the hosting a thinly disguised series of Socred rumours, "It's news to me." He added that political TV ads paid for with government Harvey Kirck was still on vacation. flush funds, has had a meteorological rise Although the full effects of the within the Social Credit party. He attributes Latremouille coup are yet to be determined, his success to Bennett's indecisiveness about political storm warnings are in effect for all calling a provincial election. parties. The most alarming possibility yet was "Bennett just couldn't decide whether to voiced by political analyst Dalton Camp, call the vote or whether to wait," who claims that the Liberal party, ever alert Latremouille said. "So leading party to new trends, plans to draft one of Canada's members figured if they were going to have a most loved broadcasters as its next leader. whethermari lead the party, why not at least "I have it on good sources," said Camp, get a professional one." "that the next( Liberal leader will be none A despondent Bill Bennett claimed the other than the Friendly Giant! The Giant has overthrow was plotted by Surrey gardener been told that a little chair has been set up for and former cabinet minister Bill Vander him in the Liberal parliamentary benches, Zalm, but admitted his political future ap­ right there beside the fire." peared cloudy. Camp said the Giant would be extremely "It was a snow job," said the testy popular with big business and have a premier, his temperature rising. "I've been stranglehold on the votes of young people. frozen out of my dad's party. My career's on —Steve Bosch photo. Friendly's key political advisor, Jerome ice. But I'll tell you one thing — Giraffe, said if elected the big man would "ONLY CANADER EH?" whisper conspiring refugees beginning to catch local tunately, cameras were rolling as intelligent life, as we know it, on the planet ex­ Latremouille's rain in this party won't last pires and refugees can watch instant playback preserved for all eternity on conve­ have a strong cabinet. "Rusty the Rooster lingo, as they lament the nuclear holocaust which has destroyed Europe. For- long!" will take over the ministry of agriculture and nient video cassette. Meanwhile, Latremouille breezed through the egg marketing board, and I don't think his election platform. The new Socred boss I'd be sticking my neck out too far to say I said that based on the success of B.C.'s new hope to get an appointment to the upper SPECIOUS REPORT covered stadium his party was planning to house," he confided. put all of Vancouver under the dome. The Camp said, the Friendly. Giant's only Instability hits Europe money for the enormous project will come potential difficulty was in his close business from a special government fund put aside for relationship with Mr. Dressup, the TV rainy days. Weakened news services mystery man noted for his bizarre wardrobe. Joe's dull, so are we "If it had been Kieve or Odessa, maybe we NDP opposition leader Dave Barrett, call­ A ceasefire has been reached in this morn­ "I'm just not convinced Ontario is willing could have understood. By why Lenigrad?" ing it a dark day for the province, promised ing's limited nuclear war that destroyed a bewildered Soviet president Yuri Andropov to take a man like Mr. Dressup seriously in a By DUG SOGGY, find interesting, trendy, human-interest, to turn up the heat in the legislature. post such as minister of external affairs," Europe. The agreement came after American told Pravda. SILLY FROLIC and featurey stuff padded out to fill our allot­ and Soviet officials declared the conflict a "Latremouille and his fair weather friends in Camp noted, though he agreed that a ted 30 inches of space per day and now — U.S. president Ronald Reagan explained in Social Credit are full of hot air," a beaming Dressup appointment to the B.C. Supreme Silly's trendy little poodle MUFFY stalemate, a White House spokesman said a press conference that the Free World could after months of tearing our hair out to earlier this afternoon. Barrett told reporters. "When the election is Court would be acceptable and not surpris­ Joe, a quiet soft-spoken man in his ear­ please those assholes in management who no longer tolerate Soviet expansionism. "To called the people will shower the New Liberal ing. ly 30's, nervously brushes a lock of unruly thought up this plan — we're sick of it. "This is it. This is what New York was all save Europe, we had to destroy it," he said. blonde hair from his forehead as he begins You hear us, GS, sick! about," said an ecstatic American freeze to talk about his singularly interesting movement spokesperson in reference to last It sounded like such a plum assignment June's massive rally in New York City. lifestyle. when we got it. Spending his days as a chartered ac­ "Hey team," they told us, "how would The limited nuclear exchange began at 7:30 countant and his nights watching video you like to have a lock on front page — a.m. when the U.S. fired a "warning shot" tapes of the 1982 Stanley Cup final, Joe everything you write planted in an at Leningrad. The U.S.S.R. returned the fire, and the continent was destroyed as most seems, at first, to be living a life of utterly attention-grabbing page one box?" unremarkable boredom. Europeans were on their way to work. Who could refuse an offer like that? Preliminary counts put the number of dead His unprepossessing Kits walk-up is Hell, they even ran pictures of us next to uncluttered by mementos of past at 200 million, almost half of Europe's pre- our by-lines. exchange population. glamour, he has no exotic pets, no in­ See our mug shots, AS teresting personal mannerisms, and does "By 7:45 it became obvious that neither nothing to distinguish himself from We didn't even mind when the com­ side was going to capitulate or back down," anyone of a thousand people one might pany didn't pay us any more for doing said the White House spokesman. "We encounter on any Vancouver street. this shit. Those guys know how to kiss ass played our ace and destroyed when they want something out of you. In short, Joe is not the sort of person Czechoslovakia, but they simply wiped out one would ever pick out as the leader of a They promised us a section of the parking Italy. That told both sides it would be best cult of transsexual accupuncturists. lot would be marked off: "For exclusive for everyone to de-esculate." Which isn't surprising, because he isn't. use of the Specious Report team." But in Geneva, which was untouched by Joe, like dozens of other people interview­ But after a while, when the ideas the conflict, military observers said the con­ ed by the Specious Report team during the weren't coming so easily anymore, the flict took at least 30 minutes to slow down, past several months, is typical of most nice promises kind of fell by the wayside. instead of the planned 10-12 minutes. "As a people put there in storyland — he is dull, The word was out. We'd blown it.

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