Tender Tidings Quarterly Newsletter for Catholic Attachment Parenting Corner

FAMILY BALANCE EXPLORING NATURE WITH CHILDREN Dr. Gregory Popcak Talks Marriage

SUMMER 2012

Catholic Attachment Parenting Corner www.catholicap.com [email protected]

Summer 2012 Tender Tidings Quarterly Newsletter for Catholic Attachment Parenting Corner

This Issue:

03 Editor’s Greeting 14 Marriage Matters: In Conversation with Dr. Popcak 04 CAPC Mission & Parenting Model 17 Summer Saints

06 Live Well: A Balancing Act: Raising Them Up & Holding Them Close 18 Nourish: Summer Crustless Quiche 12 Play: Exploring Nature with Children

Tender Tidings

Fall 2012 COMING September 1!

2 Summer Greetings from Kim

I’m delighted to give you CAPC’s first seasonal newsletter: TENDER TIDINGS SUMMER 2012!

I enjoy many things in life more now that I’m a mother to 4 children; One of those things is the summer season. I was never super wild about summer. When I lived in Boston the summer humidity could be suffocating. Here in Northern California the desert-like triple-digit temps are almost unbearable. But my babies draw me outdoors and there I discover with them the delights of the season: water- side romps where we make piles of shells into cities and strolls through our local natural re- serve where we see chipmunks blinking between fiery orange poppies.

I especially love summer nights. As the sun sets, our neighbors emerge because it’s so much cooler. The children and I frequently spend an evening plopped on the red bench in our front garden where we listen until it’s dark to dogs barking and lawnmowers humming.

What do you love most about summer? Don’t let the weeks evaporate without creating summer memories with your family. Share with your kids why you love what you love. It’s contagious! In this our first (of hopefully many) seasonal newsletters, I hope you’ll find ideas and inspiration for a summer of loving and exploring.

I’m especially grateful to Dr. Gregory Popcak who took time from his very busy schedule to offer us some guidance in strengthening our marriages. Marriage and parenting are different sides of the same coin: family life. As CAPC’s vision of parenting is family-centered, nurturing our marriages is as important as nurturing our relationships with our kids. I hope you enjoy your summer! Take time to visit CAPC at www.catholicap.com!

Kim Cameron-Smith

3 CAPC’s Mission & Vision

CATHOLIC ATTACHMENT PARENTING CORNER supports Catholic parents interested in attachment-based parenting by providing education, resources, and advocacy. Our attachment parenting model is neither child-centered nor parent-centered; it is family-centered.

 We believe Catholic theology perfects what is beautiful and just in secular insights about attachment parenting. In the daily life of the family, all family members learn to respond to the Church’s call to self-donative, empathic love — including children as they grow and mature.  When parents treat their children with respect and compassion, children learn to respond similarly to the needs of others. These children grow into adults who recognize suffering and feel compelled to respond, who are tender and merciful to those who are weaker than themselves, who are able to connect on a profound level with their loved ones, and who mirror in every facet of their lives the self-gift of Christ, the God-Man

CAPC’s 7 Building Blocks of a Family-Centered Home™

1. BABY BONDING

 Your infant’s capacity for attachment is established early. She has an intense need for physical closeness, predictable com- forting, and a sense of safety. Meeting these needs has a direct impact on her early brain development and helps her develop a sense of trust in later babyhood and toddlerhood.  Explore different practices that encourage and strengthen the parent-child bond, such as breastfeeding on demand, staying physically close to baby at night by co-sleeping and during the day by wearing baby in a sling or other baby carrier.  Respond to baby’s cues consistently & tenderly (without resentment or anger).

2. EMPATHIC RESPONSE

 Get to know each child as a unique human being.  Understand what’s behind your child’s eyes and in her heart at each developmental stage.  Recognize any of your old wounds so that you can parent your child appropriately and with awareness, and not from a place of fear or anger unrelated to your child.

3. PLAYING TOGETHER

 Recognize that play is one of the most important ways children connect to us, work through their fears and frustrations, and build their self-confidence.

 Enter a child’s play world on their terms. Be willing to be silly and goofy on occasion!

4. JOYOUS, SHARED FAITH

 Every family can enjoy a shared faith life that’s alive and downright fun! Such faith is a tremendous witness to other families, Catholic and non-Catholic alike.  Allow your home to reflect the abundant joy and hope of our Catholic Faith. Explore and celebrate Feast Days and Saints Days with crafts, special parties and teas, and sharing books together. Develop a family prayer plan and pray together regularly.  Children, especially young ones, will absorb our attitudes about attending Mass and growing in the Faith. If we’re excited and enthusiastic, it’ll be contagious! The heart of our Faith is love and hope, and the opportunity for transformation and renewal not a list of obligations we need to fulfill to be “good”.

5. GENTLE DISCIPLINE

 The heart of gentle discipline is the connection between parent and child. Without a secure connection, discipline will be a frustrating power struggle.  The goal of gentle discipline is for the child to build a conscience and self-control, not to break the child’s will or to coerce obedience through threats. In an empathic, nurturing home a child is never humiliated and parents don’t use their superior size and authority to intimidate children into compliance.  Growing up can be confusing and frustrating. By learning what to expect at each developmental stage, you can empathize with your child better. We can’t expect a 3 year-old to have the self-control of 6 year-old. Each developmental age comes with its struggles and joys. If we educate ourselves about child development we can understand our child’s feelings and needs better, so the balance tips towards joy!

6. BALANCE

 Balance work, play, and prayer in your home. Do all these things as a family. Each family member contributes to the upkeep of the home as is appropriate for their developmental age. Even very young children enjoy being included in the routine with small jobs, like helping unload the dishwasher, mopping, or dusting.  Every parent needs a little time alone to refuel. How much time you can spend alone and how frequently depends on various factors in your home, including the availability of your spouse or a babysitter and how young your children are, but remember that you will be parenting for many years. Don’t run out of gas early on!  Take time to exercise and eat well. This can involve the kids! Children love to ride their bikes with parents who might be running or biking. Make a hiking plan and explore different hiking trails in your region. Children love to help with food prepara- tions, like making salads and kneading bread dough.

7. A STRONG MARRIAGE

 If you treat your child will respect and affection, but fail to model such respect and affection with your spouse, your child may still enter adulthood with a relationship handicap. Your marriage models for your children how to treat others in close, intimate relationships. Speak about and to your spouse with deep regard and love; perform little acts of kindness to make his or her life easier. Be willing to serve even in small ways.  You and your spouse are called to help one another on your paths to heaven. See your spouse the way Christ does, as a pre- cious and priceless soul on a journey to a Divine Destination.

Live Well

A BALANCING ACT: Raising Them Up and Keeping Them Close

by Angela Piazza

Summer is quickly approaching. After a long, busy year brimming with activity, I think it’s important to pause and reflect. Have we used our time well, grown in strength and virtue? Have we served one another with love and encouragement? The long, warm days ahead lend themselves beautifully to reconnecting with our children and easing into a new routine.

6 Our weekday schedule, consisting of schoolwork, music years-old. Activities which delight my younger children practice, sports, and incessant driving, is finally coming don’t necessarily inspire their older siblings. My little to a close. We’re all tired, and though my children keep ones thrive on creative play, using their imaginations to up the pace, signs of fatigue are obvious; cheerfulness understand the world around them. Naturally curious, and patience wane. their questions abound. They are joyfully energetic and need outlets for their enthusiasm. While they are open We live in a community full of opportunities, and we’ve to most any adventure, staying home nurtures feelings been blessed to participate in many of them. Swimming of peace and security workouts, water polo tournaments, track and field meets, guitar and piano lessons, and acting rehearsals My older children are trying to figure out where they fit are all worthy endeavors. But, these things also pull our into this world. Conversations revolve around what family in different directions. We need to reflect and they value, and whether others value them. It’s a peri- reconsider the significance of outside pursuits, both in od of searching, and sometimes struggling, for identity terms of individual growth and development, and the and direction. They, too, have questions, curiosities, and impact on family life. doubts. For them, involvement in activities isn’t purely for fun, but also for self-discovery. Developing mean- Addressing the needs of each child is an ongoing pro- ingful friendships and exploring their talents are import- cess. My children range in age from three to sixteen

“The long, warm days ahead lend themselves beautifully to reconnecting with our children and easing into a new routine.”

ant to them. One of my daughters is passionate about music, literature, and theater. Another finds utter joy in athletics. Yet, another is quiet and creative, longing for undisrupted time to focus her energy on artistic pro- jects. How can the diverse interests and passions of so many realistically be met? “Remember, What criteria distinguish enthusiasm from need? Attaining balance without squelching dreams seems impossible; I don’t want to deny my children. these are His What parent does? We must continually remind ourselves that God has it all perfectly worked out. He drafted a beautiful plan: “For I know the children. Our plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope,” (Jeremiah 29:11) assures our loving Father. Remember, these are His children. Our role as parents is to responsibly role as parents assist Him. Each individual has been furnished with abilities and talents, and “as each has received a gift,” we must “employ it for one another, as is to responsibly good stewards of God’s varied grace” (I Peter 4:11). It is through the family that children recognize God’s will. By His infinite grace, they can mature assist Him.” into the adults they are called to be. In the Apostolic ExhortationFamiliaris Consortio, Pope John Paul II states that the family’s mission is to become a community of life and love (The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World). God sets our children upon individual paths to discover and express their gifts, but it is through the family that they learn generosity and sacrifice. The ultimate priority of the family, which is to receive and convey Christ’s love, is vastly more important than recreation, hobbies and distractions outside the home (The Mission of the Catholic Family). When outside commitments displace harmony in the home, everyone suffers. We can and should support our children’s interests. The problem lies in those pursuits becoming the center of our lives. Our children’s self- worth is not determined by interests, talents, preferences or accolade, but by the fact they are beloved children of God. In his book, Hold on to your Kids, Dr. Gordon Neufeld cautions that “if we leave it to fate, our families will gradually be torn asunder by individual pursuits, societal demands, economic pressures and, finally, the distorted instincts of our offspring.” We’re immersed in a culture prone to narcissism and self-promotion; this message fails to deliver happiness. Consequently, what are we, the parents, telling our children about their inherent value? Do we pause long enough to laugh together, engage in meaningful conversation, and gather

8 have much to consider. On normal weekdays, our children will certainly engage in varied activities. In loving our children as unique individu-

als, we want to respond to their personal aspirations. In giving of our time and resources, we exemplify - self donative love. But, our efforts are in vain if we fail to recognize the crucial role of family cohesion. There must be

balance. Preserving our weekend time, gathering all ten collectedly in prayer? Those are the things we sacrifice of us, is essential for solidarity. We don’t intend to tether when we spend countless hours scrambling to get from our children to our sides, but to strengthen bonds of love one event to another. and devotion. I revel in watching my children shine. With each chal- Summer is almost upon us: Use it well. Relax together, lenge, I witness them overcome adversity, stretching play and enjoy each other, and capture a few memories themselves to new levels. Ever so gradually, however, the along the way. As for my troupe, whether we find our- stress of “divide and conquer” has diminished joy and se- selves at a swim meet cheering on the boys, in an audi- renity in our household. In an effort to meet the desires ence applauding the girls, or in the garden pulling weeds, of each child, and to set examples of honoring commit- our priority is togetherness. After all, we’re a family. ments, we have stretched ourselves thin. In fact, we rare- ly spend Saturdays together; obligations have encroached  on our family time. My husband and I are taking steps to remedy the situation, but scaling back isn’t simple. We

“Relax together, play and enjoy each other, and capture a few memories along the way.”

Divine Majesty

Human Dignity

Psalm 8

How great is your name, O Lord our God,

Through all the earth!

Your majesty is praised above the heavens;

On the lips of children and of babes

You have found praise to foil your enemy,

To silence the foe and the rebel.

When I see the heavens, the work of your hands,

The moon and the stars which you arranged,

What is man that you should keep him in mind,

Mortal man that you care for him.

Yet you have made him little less than a god;

With glory and honor you crowned him,

Gave him power over the works of your hand,

Put all things under his feet.

All of them, sheep and cattle,

Yes, even the savage beasts,

Birds of the air, and fish

That make their way through the waters.

How great is your name, O Lord our God,

Through all the earth!

PLAYPLAY

Exploring Nature with Children wild play place. They may need our guidance and assur- by Kim Cameron-Smith ance for a while. But after they gain confidence, we can sit back and allow them to become lost in the moment. Our children need nature: Children today spend far more Given a chance and if they’re comfortable, children will time indoors than we did when we were children. Some spend hours exploring wild, natural places. Here they children are raised almost entirely indoors, and not with- stretch their imaginations, test their limits, learn to assess out a cost. risk, and build self-confidence. In his book, Last Child in the Woods, Richard Louv argues Exploring wild places as a family is great fun! Let the kids that access to nature, especially unstructured wild places, lead you in their play. They’re better at it! Poke around in is critical to a child’s development, because such environ- the mud, search for tadpoles, splash in a summer puddle. ments provide a multisensory experience that helps build “the cognitive constructs necessary for sustained intellec- Nature needs our children: We all hope our children will tual development”. At the very least, natural spaces stim- be good stewards of God’s creation, but it’s easier to be ulate “loose parts play”: Inventiveness is fostered when passionate about protecting something if we’ll miss it if it’s kids encounter bits and pieces of this and that and they gone. We can’t miss something we never knew. What wild use them in varying ways and in various combinations in places do our children know and cherish? their play. 

Some kids may be pensive when first introduced to a truly

“God is in our midst. Only when we can rec- Where to Go ognize creatures for what they are – expressions of God’s overflowing love – can we recognize  National parks the source of our own lives as well. The love that  Nature reserves gave birth to all creatures is the same love that brought us into existence.”  Country trails and footpaths

 Beaches and lakes Ilia Delio, Care for Creation: A Franciscan Spirituality of the Earth  Your own backyard

Nature Games Kids Will Love

STILL HUNTING but if your child becomes frightened, obviously remove In this game, we sit still as possible to avoid disturbing the blindfold. It’s still fun to share the beauty of the natu- creatures around us. Witness the motion of the trees, the ral world using all our senses. chatterings of wildlife, and the creeping of sunlight through branches. The goal is just to observe your environment, but frequently creatures will cross our paths be- COLOR CARDS cause our stillness doesn’t disturb them in their comings and goings. Find a suitable sitting place, and settle in. Re- Before leaving for your adventure, prepare sticky cards by main completely quiet and motionless as possible. Even applying carpet tape to cardstock. Carpet tape is a wide relatively young children can accomplish this goal when double-sided tape that comes with a peel away strip on they are settled in a natural environment— especially one side. You can use some other similar adhesive if you with the hope of witnessing animals up close have it. Plop your color cards into your nature bag and set off on your adventure. The children search for bits of nat-

ural color: flower petals, seeds, grains, etc. Help the little BLINDFOLD EXPLORER ones peel away the top strip from the tape and let them arrange their treasures. Pretty & original! One adult guides 1 or 2 children by the hand while they are blindfolded. Encourage the children to listen, feel, and Adapted from: smell their surroundings. Stop frequently to place their hands on interesting objects or to smell flowers or a musty  Sharing Nature with Children by Joseph Cornell log. Stop near a stream so they can hear and feel the wa-  Nature’s Playground by Fiona Danks ter. Most children find this game completely exhilarating,

“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where Nature may heal and cheer and give strength to body and soul alike.”

John Muir, 1912

Marriage Matters

by Kim Cameron-Smith Have I gone off the deep end? You’re convinced by the proposition that all children deserve unconditional love; you agree it’s important for their development that we respond to them with empathy and tenderness. Now I’m suggesting you take a look at your marriage. Am I trying to trap “I think a man and a wom- you in some prison of bottomless self-giving? NO! But we are better par- an should choose each ents when we become better partners to our spouses; marriage is insepa- rable from parenting. other for life, for the simple reason that a long A strong marriage is one of CAPC’s 7 Building Blocks to a Family-Centered Home. If we extend respect and tenderness to our children, but neglect to life with all its accidents do the same for our spouse, we are hampering our best parenting efforts. is barely enough time for How fortunate our children are to have love and warmth from us; Even a man and a woman to un- better to have a model for how a happy marriage works. Quite simply, derstand each other protecting our marriage is key to our parenting success. and . . . to understand is How blessed we are that Dr. Gregory Popcak generously gave us his time to love.” to answer a few questions about marriage and parenting! I frequently talk about and refer to Dr. Popcak’s parenting book, Parenting With Grace, on CAPC’s website. It’s my favorite parenting book, period. He’s also -- William Butler Yeats written several books on building and maintaining a healthy and reward- ing marriage including:

 The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the Worlds Happiest Couples

 For Better Forever: A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage

 Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving Dr Popcak is Executive Director ofPastoral Solutions Institute, a unique organization dedicated to providing Catholics with resources for enjoying more faithful and abundant marriage, family, and personal lives. He also hosts (with his wife Lisa) a daily, nationally-syndicated Catholic Radio Broadcast, Heart Mind & Strength.

IN CONVERSATION with Dr. Gregory K. Popcak

Kim Cameron-Smith and Dr. Gregory Popcak as husband and wife, we're undermining the entire point

of parenting. Kim: Dr. Popcak, Catholic couples know they need to That said, I think parents need to broaden their perspec- focus on their marriages, but many couples put their mar- tive on what it means to prioritize their relationships. Too riage in one mental box and their parenting goals in an- often, "nurturing our marriage" means running away from other. You have said that the most powerful parenting tool the kids. I'm all for date nights, assuming the little ones is a strong marriage. Why is taking time to strengthen and can handle our being away from them, but there are so nurture our marriage so important for achieving our par- many little opportunities to connect that parents miss out enting goals? on because they're focused on getting away. I encourage couples to ensure they are taking time to talk, to pray, to : More than just keeping order and Dr.Popcak play together in the course of the week. Fold some laun- teaching good behavior, parenting is ultimately about dry together and use that activity as an excuse to be in the teaching kids what it means to have relationships -- to be same room together and have a conversation! Go to the loving and responsible people especially when it comes to grocery store together and talk! Make sure to kiss or a hug relating to others. How do we put people before things? one another when you enter or leave a room. How do we use our gifts to bless others? How do we cherish others? How do we problem-solve in respectful ways? You've created a life together. Don't view that life as the How do we juggle various responsibilities so that relation- stuff that gets in the way of your relationship. Use it as an ships get the time and energy they need to flourish. If we opportunity to relate. Allow your kids to see how you cre- aren't taking care of our relationships ate little intimate moments in your daily life.

Kim: What suggestions can you give to couples who disagree on “Parenting isn’t parenting strategies? about parents. Dr. Popcak: Parenting isn't about parents. It's about doing It's about doing what your unique and what your unique and unrepeatable child needs you to do to help unrepeatable child them develop the virtues and skills they need to be whole and holy people. When parents argue about parenting, it's usually because needs you to do to help they are making it about them, not the kids. We think our kids need X them develop the because "all kids need X" or some book said they need X, or my moth- virtues and skills they er says kids need X. Some other relative says that’s all wrong: Kids need to be whole and really need Z. Observe your child’s behavior. Based on her actual be- holy people.” havior does she really need X or Z in order to become the whole and holy person she is called to be? If you take the time to get to know each of your children and ask yourselves what that particular, special child needs they you won’t have much to argue about. The data you

15 get from studying your child's heart will tell you what you need to do. That's what AP is really about. It's not a com- peting set of techniques. It's a way of getting to know your child's unique and unrepeatable heart.

Kim: Parents joke that they were surprised their children didn't come with an owner's manual! The same is true of marriage: You can get a marriage license without knowing anything about creating a thriving, loving marriage. What are some "cheat sheet" tips for loving each better every day?

Dr. Popcak: Every day ask your spouse what you “Every day ask your can do to make his or her life a little easier or more pleasant. Then do that thing! The key to attaching with your spouse is spouse what you can do the same as the key to attaching to your child: Commit to learning and doing what they need to feel cherished and al- to make his or her life low yourself to be stretched by that knowledge. You and your relationship will be glad you did. easier or more pleasant.”

Need marriage support? Trained counselors sensitive to our Faith are available for phone counseling through Pastoral Solutions Institute: www.exceptionalmarriages.com or 740-266-6461.

16 Summer Saints

SAINT PETER Prince of the Apostles, the first pope June 29 Symbols: two keys, upside down cross, fish, sword When Simon Peter met Jesus he was a Galilean fisherman. Christ told him he would become a “fisher of men.” Saint Peter was one of the Twelve Apostles and his life is featured prominently in the Gospels and the Acts of the Apostles. Jesus told Peter that he would give him the “keys of the kingdom of heaven” and called him the “rock” on which the church would be built. Peter was very devoted to Jesus, though his faith faltered several times during Christ’s life, including his infamous denial of Jesus after Jesus was arrested. Despite these human failings, Peter went on to become an effective leader in the early church, winning many converts through his sermons. Tradition says that Roman au- thorities sentenced Peter to death and crucified him head down on a cross.

More Saints in the House: Family Story Hour St. Justin Martyr, June 1 St. Aloysius Gonzaga, June 21

The Man Who Never Died: The Life and St. Thomas More, June 22 Adventures of St. Peter, the First Pope St. Paul, June 29 (Gerald T. Brennan). A biography. Re- counts the adventures of St. Peter, in- St. Maria Goretti, July 6 cluding the dangers he faced and his St. Benedict, July 21 good works. St. Bridget of Sweden, July 23 St. James, July 25 Lost in Peter’s Tomb (Dianne Ahern). A mystery story. The fictional Sister Philo- St. Anne & St. Joachim mena, special agent to the Pope, tries to July 26 solve the mystery of Saint Peter’s stolen Bl. Teresa of Calcutta, Aug. 5

bones along with her niece and nephew. St. Bartholomew, Aug 24

17 NOURISH

“The only time to eat diet food is when you’re waiting for the steak to cook.” Julia Child

18 by Lisa Stack

Summer Crustless Quiche I love to cook, but I am notorious for never fol- lowing a recipe. Luckily, this quiche (or “egg pie” as our toddler calls it) recipe is a quick and easy staple in our home. It can be adapted to many tastes, and more importantly, whatever is left in your fridge before it is time to hit the grocery store again.

During the spring and summer this is a very cost effective dish for us, as we have great vegetables popping up and the chickens are starting to overproduce. This is also a great dish for a busy night, or to spend a little more time including the kids in dinner prep. This recipe is very flexi- ble, so have a lot of fun trying out different vegetable, cheese, and meat combinations!



Prep time: 10 minutes (Depending on how many kids are evenly on the bottom of the pie pan. helping!) Cook time: 30 minutes Spread the shredded cheese over the vegetables evenly Total time: 40 minutes ( feel free to add more if you feel like the layer is a little Oven temp: 350°F thin). Finally, pour the scrambled egg mix on top. Extra points are awarded by toddlers in the family if you add Ingredients: extra vegetables on the top to decorate. Place the pan in 5 large eggs the oven, but keep a good eye on it. You will know the 1/3 cup milk quiche is finished when a fork is inserted and comes out 1/2 cup tomatoes diced clean. 1/2 onion diced 1 cup kale ribboned Variations: 3/4 cup extra sharp cheddar cheese shredded Mini-quiches: I have used a muffin tin instead of a pie 1 teaspoon salt pan to make easy-to-grab snacks. Great if you’re preg- 1 teaspoon pepper nant or breastfeeding! Directions: Filling variations: Don’t be afraid to swap out different Butter or oil for sautéing (We prefer the taste of butter.) cheeses, vegetables, and meats. Just be sure to cook the

meat thoroughly before adding the egg mixture. I have Preheat the oven to 350°F. found that the 2 cups total of vegetable/meat and 3/4-1

cup total of cheese ratio works well. A few suggestions for As the oven is heating, prepare the vegetables and sauté substitutions: bacon, ham, mushrooms, spinach, aspara- in butter or oil in a skillet until softened. While the vegeta- gus, potatoes, swiss chard, broccoli, etc.. bles are sautéing, scramble the eggs, milk, salt, and pepper in a separate bowl.

Butter or oil a 9-inch pie pan. Spread the vegetables

CATHOLIC ATTACHMENT PARENTING CORNER Community & Inspiration As We Gather Our Children