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The Stepfamily Journey and in Turn Have Been a Blessing to Others

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The Stepfamily Journey and in Turn Have Been a Blessing to Others THE SMART STEPFAMILY 7 Steps to a Healthy Family RON L. DEAL 7 Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2002, 2014. Used by permission. (Unpublished manuscript—copyright protected Baker Publishing Group) Deal_SmartStepFam_EC_djm.indd 5 3/24/14 1:33 PM © 2002, 2014 by Ron L. Deal Published by Bethany House Publishers 11400 Hampshire Avenue South Bloomington, Minnesota 55438 www.bethanyhouse.com Bethany House Publishers is a division of Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan Printed in the United States of America All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording— without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews. This edition published 2014 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Deal, Ron L. The smart stepfamily : seven steps to a healthy family / Ron L. Deal ; foreword by Gary Chapman. — Revised and expanded edition. pages cm Includes bibliographical references. Summary: “Stepfamily expert addresses key concerns and practical issues facing every stepfamily”— Provided by publisher. ISBN 978-0-7642-1206-2 (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Stepfamilies. 2. Remarried people—Family relationships. 3. Stepparents. 4. Parenting. 5. Stepfamilies—Psychological aspects. I. Title. HQ759.92.D4 2014 306.874 7—dc23 2014003656 Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Ver- sion® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. ESV Text Edition: 2007 Scripture quotations identified NIRV are from the Holy Bible, New International Reader’s Ver- sion®. NIrV®. Copyright © 1995, 1996, 1998 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. Scripture quotations identified The Message paraphrase are from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All names and recognizable details have been changed to protect the privacy of those who have shared their stories for this book. Cover design by Eric Walljasper 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2002, 2014. Used by permission. (Unpublished manuscript—copyright protected Baker Publishing Group) Deal_SmartStepFam_EC_djm.indd 6 3/24/14 1:33 PM To my wife and best friend, Nan Three diamonds All my love, for all my life Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2002, 2014. Used by permission. (Unpublished manuscript—copyright protected Baker Publishing Group) Deal_SmartStepFam_EC_djm.indd 7 3/24/14 1:33 PM Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2002, 2014. Used by permission. (Unpublished manuscript—copyright protected Baker Publishing Group) Deal_SmartStepFam_EC_djm.indd 8 3/24/14 1:33 PM Contents Foreword by Gary Chapman 11 Preface to the Revised Edition 13 Acknowledgments for the Revised and Expanded Edition 17 Acknowledgments for the First Edition 19 Introduction 21 Part One: Headed for the Promised Land! 1. Through Wilderness Wanderings 29 2. Key Stepping-Stones 51 Part Two: Seven Steps in the Journey 3. Smart Step One: STEP Up! 73 Discover a redemptive God who loves, forgives, and provides strength and direction for the journey 4. Smart Step Two: STEP Down 85 Adjust your expectations and learn how to cook a stepfamily 5. Smart Step Three: Two-STEP 101 Your marriage must be a top priority 6. Smart Step Four: STEP in Line (Part 1) 129 With the parenting team (co-parenting) 9 Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2002, 2014. Used by permission. (Unpublished manuscript—copyright protected Baker Publishing Group) Deal_SmartStepFam_EC_djm.indd 9 3/24/14 1:33 PM Contents 7. Smart Step Four: STEP in Line (Part 2) 169 Parent and stepparent roles 8. Smart Step Four: STEP in Line (Part 3) 199 Unique Parenting Roles and Issues • Adult stepchildren 200 • Part-time parenting and stepparenting 205 • Birth order changes 207 • Stepparenting adolescents 208 • Parenting the mutual child 212 • Sibling relationships and parenting 215 • Adopting stepchildren 218 • Legal matters in stepparenting 220 9. Smart Step Five: Side STEP (Part 1) 225 The pitfalls common to stepfamilies • Unrecognized loss and unexpressed grief 227 • Being driven by menacing emotions 245 • Combining holiday and family traditions 247 10. Smart Step Five: Side STEP (Part 2) 253 Financial pitfalls: managing your money 11. Smart Step Six: STEP Through 277 The wilderness: Overcoming special challenges 12. Smart Step Seven: STEP Over 295 Into the Promised Land Resources for Stepfamilies and Churches 303 Notes 307 10 Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2002, 2014. Used by permission. (Unpublished manuscript—copyright protected Baker Publishing Group) Deal_SmartStepFam_EC_djm.indd 10 3/24/14 1:33 PM Foreword ot all stepfamilies are alike. Some have young children; others, teenagers or young adults. Some are the result of divorce, while Nothers come after the death of a spouse. However, there is one thing every stepfamily has in common: family members have a history that involved at least one other parent and spouse. Memories of the past may be pleasant or painful, but those memories do influence attitudes and emotions. The high divorce rate in first marriages indicates that building a loving, supportive, caring marital relationship is not easy. However, those who succeed find marriage to be very satisfying. The fact that the divorce rate is higher for second marriages indicates that building a second marriage is even more di#cult. Those who succeed find it worth the e!ort. For those who have been widowed, the first marriage may have been a wonderful relationship or one with many struggles. If the relationship was fulfilling, they anticipate the second marriage will be fully as good as the first. But without help, many of them may be disappointed. Almost every week someone says to me, “Have you written anything on blended families?” (sometimes they say stepfamilies). My answer is always the same: “No, but I know someone who has.” I then recommend The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal. I recommend this book with confidence because I know the ideas that Ron shares are practical. The first edition of the book made a vital contribution to the field of marriage and family ministry. Ron was one of the first to identify the challenges of stepfamilies and to o!er a road to success. Many pastors and counselors use The Smart Stepfamily in their premarital counseling for couples who are getting married for the 11 Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2002, 2014. Used by permission. (Unpublished manuscript—copyright protected Baker Publishing Group) Deal_SmartStepFam_EC_djm.indd 11 3/24/14 1:33 PM Foreword second or third time. Parent educators use it in helping those parents who are bringing children into a new family setting. The Smart Stepfamily has awakened the church to the need of stepfamily ministry. I remember the couple who said to me a year after I had recom- mended the book, “Thanks for sharing with us Ron Deal’s book on step- families. It has been a lifesaver for us.” I will continue to highly recommend this book to all couples who are involved in bringing two families together. This new edition is packed with even more practical tools to strengthen stepfamilies. It also includes information for couples who are dating and contemplating creating a stepfamily. The research in the book has been updated and new guidance is given on money management and estate plan- ning, which are often areas of conflict in stepfamilies. Ron discusses the pros and cons of adoption. You will also find realistic ways to approach step- sibling relationships, parent alienation syndrome, and adult stepfamilies. One of the reasons this book is so helpful to couples is that Ron does not write from an ivory tower. For twenty years he has invested his life in helping couples create healthy relationships. As a counselor, he has taken couples where they are and led them to where they wanted to be when they got married. No one enters a second marriage with the desire to repeat the failures of the first. And yet, without help, many of them do. Not everyone can find a counselor who is equipped to deal with the common struggles of stepfamilies. However, when you read The Smart Stepfamily you will find yourself sitting in the o#ce of a counselor with great experience. No two stepfamilies are alike, but this book o!ers clear advice on how to solve the common challenges faced by all who enter a second marriage with children. I highly recommended the first edition, and I am even more excited about this new edition. —Gary Chapman, PhD, author of The Five Love Languages 12 Ron L. Deal, The Smart Stepfamily Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, © 2002, 2014. Used by permission. (Unpublished manuscript—copyright protected Baker Publishing Group) Deal_SmartStepFam_EC_djm.indd 12 3/24/14 1:33 PM Preface to the Revised Edition lot has happened since 1997, when I first started writing this book (which was first published in 2002). More specifically, A a lot has happened with families and with me personally; together these changes necessitated in my mind the need for a revised and expanded edition of this book. More on these changes in a moment. A few things, however, have not changed. For one, the core principles of this book—which work, by the way.
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