BASIC GUIDELINES FOR STEPFAMILIES By: Mari Fagin, Ph.D. Reprinted, With Permission, By: Ronald E. Worthen, 11 N. Washington, Ardmore, OK 73401, (580) 223-3735 While much might have been learned from a first marriage that has ended in divorce, it is important to recognize that many of the same pitfalls of first marriages arise in subsequent marriages. In addition, further complications exist when there are dependent children from a first marriage of one or both of the marital partners. Continued interaction with the other parent on parenting issues can be an ongoing stressor, and few people have had any real preparation for their new role with a stepfamily. At best, adjustment to becoming a part of a stepfamily is a difficult process for all concerned—natural parent, stepparent, and stepchildren. In addition to the actual adjustment problems encountered by the new stepfamily, everyone concerned may be influenced by the negative images of stepparents as wicked, selfish people which have been created in fairy tales such as “Cinderella,” “Snow White,” and “Hansel and Gretel.” These negative stereotypes of the “wicked stepmother” and the “unwanted stepchild” often cause discomfort and/or suspicion in stepfamilies even when there is no objective basis for these feelings. Unfortunately, no fairy tales exist in which there are kind, loving stepparents who enjoy their stepchildren. A great deal of pain can be avoided within the stepfamily through developing an understanding of some of the common problems of stepfamilies and observing a few basic guidelines. Many of these guidelines are relevant to single divorced parents as well as to those who are members of a stepfamily. The following stepfamily guidelines have been developed to facilitate adjustment within the stepfamily, but they should not be regarded as an all-inclusive source of information about stepfamilies. A number of excellent books about stepfamilies are included in the “Selected Bibliography,” and are recommended reading for those who wish to learn more about stepfamilies after reviewing these basic stepfamily guidelines. It also should be noted that these stepfamily guidelines do not contain information about childrearing in general. There is a wide body of literature available to those who wish to learn more about the general principles of childrearing. Since the seeds for many stepfamily problems are sown in the interim between divorce and remarriage, the first section of the guidelines addresses this period. GUIDELINES BETWEEN DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE 1. If you begin dating soon after your divorce, rather than having your dates come to your home, arrange to meet them some-where unless your children are with their other parent. It also is advisable to give dates your telephone number at work rather than your home telephone number if your children are living with you. Usually children need from six months to a year to adjust to their parents’ divorce and all of the attendant changes in their lives before it is advisable for them to have personal contact with people their parents are dating. Until then, it is better simply to tell your children that you are going to dinner (to a play, to a concert, etc.) with a friend if they are in the home when you leave for the evening. 2. Do not expose your children to a series of casual dating partners. It can be very confusing and distressing to children to see their parent going out with a variety of dating partners, particularly if they are still grieving because of the divorce. 3. When a relationship does become significant, gradually work this person into your children’s life. Provide some relaxed opportunities for your children and your significant other to become acquainted by planning some enjoyable activities together, such as visiting the zoo, seeing a sports event, going to the movies, etc. Be aware, however, that if your children do develop an affectionate relationship with someone you do not intend to marry, they may be required to cope with another loss when that relationship ends. 4. Never engage in sexual activities with a dating partner (casual or serious) in your home when your children are present anywhere in the home—even if they are sleeping in their bedrooms and you are behind a locked door in your bedroom. Participating in sexual activities with a dating partner anyplace where your children are in close proximity could be distressing and psychologically harmful to them. Furthermore, legally, your custody of your children could be in jeopardy if you are the custodial parent, or your current visitation privileges could be endangered if you are the noncustodial parent. 5. When you decide to remarry, tell your children about your plans well in advance, so they can have time to discuss and adjust to the changes that your remarriage will create in their lives. 6. Tell your children privately about your plans for remarriage (without your significant other present) so they can be open about any questions or concerns they may have about their prospective stepparent. It is important to take your children’s feelings about a potential spouse into consideration. However, you should not allow your children to veto your choice of a marital partner or to select their own marital candidate for you. 7. Do not make a decision to marry someone only because you feel this person would be an excellent stepparent for your children. When you remarry, it is in your children’s best interest for you to be happily remarried. This is not likely unless you marry someone that you love and with whom you wish to share your life. 8. If it is feasible, consider moving to a different residence after remarriage rather than having one spouse move into the current residence of the other. The remarriage will create many changes in household life and routine. Adjustment usually is easier in a new environment, rather than simply plugging a new spouse into the other’s “territory” and then trying to make the needed and desired alterations to household life and routine. 9. Before remarriage, it is important for the natural parent and future stepparent to discuss in depth their childrearing philosophy and their feelings and expectations about household rules. Agreement needs to be reached about these issues through discussion and compromise. Two natural parents who are married to one another frequently disagree about childrearing issues, even though they have parented their children together since birth. The potential for disagreement about childrearing issues is much greater between a natural parent and a stepparent because they lack the common history since the children’s birth. It is advisable to address these issues and to decide how to resolve areas of disagreement before the remarriage takes place. 10.Another matter which is advisable to resolve before remarriage concerns areas of responsibility for decision making which will be delegated to her, which to him, and which will be discussed and then mutually agreed upon. A specific issue, which typically creates many problems between the natural parent and stepparent, is the disciplinary role and action to be taken by the stepparent. General agreement about the future disciplinary roles should be reached before remarriage whenever possible. 11.Be honest with yourself about your future spouse’s interest or disinterest as assuming an active and enthusiastic role as a stepparent to your children. If the person you wish to marry has little interest in involving himself/herself in raising your children, do not proceed with the remarriage unless you are willing to accept this situation without resentment. GUIDELINES AFTER REMARRIAGE 1. Recognize that many children whose parents are divorced have fantasies that their parents will reconcile and remarry one another. In these cases, when a parent remarries someone else, this can be very disappointing to the child and can create resentment toward both the parent who has remarried and the new stepparent. Many children refuse to abandon their parental remarriage fantasies, even after their parents have married other people. Instead, they resent their new stepparent and may consciously or unconsciously try to sabotage the new marriage through acting out and being unpleasant to their new stepparent. 2. Usually the younger children are when their parent remarries, the more easily they will adjust to the remarriage and to their new stepparent. When babies or toddlers are involved, the transition tends to be relatively uncomplicated. However, when children are in adolescence, the adjustment tends to be the most complicated and difficult for all concerned. 3. Do not expect “instant love” to take place between children and their new stepparent. Because two people love one another and marry does not mean that the new stepparent and stepchildren will necessarily love one another immediately. It usually takes time for love to develop in step relationships, and sometimes stepparents and their stepchildren never develop love for one another. However, there should be an expectation and an insistence upon courtesy and respect for one another. Hopefully, over time this will serve as a basis for liking and love to develop. 4. Never insist that your children call their stepparent “Mom” or “Dad”. Allow your children to decide what name or term they wish to use. They might elect to call the stepparent by his/her first name or by a nickname. 5. It is especially important that the stepparent and natural parent agree upon the disciplinary role to be assumed by the stepparent. However, it must be stressed that in most cases stepparents should not assume a disciplinary role with their stepchildren immediately after the remarriage. Instead, they should work to establish a warm and close relationship in the role of a friend before assuming responsibility for disciplining the children.