From a 'Living Nightmare' to Patient Love

FROM A 'LIVING NIGHTMARE' TO PATIEN T LOVE:

H o w G o d ' s e x a m p l e s a v e d m y p a r e n t s ' m a r r i a g e . w r i t t e n f r o m m y h o p e - f i l l e d h e a r t t o y o u r s . . .

W i t h s i n c e r e g r a t i t u d e t o m y p a t r o n s :

A a r o n L e e J a y n e K w o n

A d a m C h ' n g K a W o n g A d d i e L ' e s t r e l l e K e i t h W o n g A l a n n a G l o v e r K a t r i n a T s e n g A m y L i a n g L u c y B r y a n t B i l l y L a m M a b e l J o e C i n d y M a k M a r y & S a l l y D i a n a B a c k h o u s e M a t t K a n g E l e a n o r L a i M a t t h e w C h a n E l i a C h e n M e g a n W a l s h G r a c e L a m M e l T r u o n g H a n n a h C h a o M i c h a e l W o n g H a n n a h T s a n g O w e n S e e t o H a y l e y C h e n S a m m i e Y i p H u g h C o o k s o n S e r e n a M a k J a m e s T r u o n g S u s a n Y e e J a n H e n r y o n T e r r e n c e Z h e n g J a n e H o n g W e n d a y C h u

2 BORN AN ACCIDENT

As a young girl, I never dreamed of the perfect wedding.

Although I grew up watching Disney’s ‘happily ever afters’, the thought of settling down and having children was never on my bucket list. If by divine intervention it would happen one day, I promised myself that I never wanted to end up like my parents. This may sound harsh, but this story does get better, I promise.

Growing up, I knew that my immigrant parents were fantastic workers and wise investors, but they were awful lovers and terrible friends. My dad was pushy and proud, while my mum was overly tolerant and compliant. I never witnessed hugs, casual conversation, or laughter. I never heard ‘I love you’, ‘thank you’, or ‘I’m sorry’. Although my parents worked incredibly hard to give my brother and I the ‘Australian dream’, as a kid, I often felt trapped between cold, white walls that were void of life and love. I longed for freedom and in my mind, marriage and children was not the answer.

3 It was 1984 when my dad packed his bags and made the difficult decision to immigrate from Hong Kong to Australia. Far from a ‘Crazy Rich Asian’ with worldwide connections and suitcases filled with cash, my dad landed in Sydney with no friends, no qualifications and seventy precious dollars in his pocket. It wasn’t long before his lonely heart became enthralled with a young woman as lovely as a ‘pineapple bun’. She was quiet and naive, and although she saw red flags throughout their romance, her young heart rushed to marry her handsome and charming boyfriend.

Two months into their marriage, my parents discovered that they were pregnant with me, and all hell broke loose. They hadn’t planned for such a liability, and instead of celebrating with baby showers and gender reveal parties, they threatened to sue the doctor who had misdiagnosed my mum as ‘infertile’.

To accommodate their ‘accident’, my parents took out a home loan the year that the Australian interest rate hit an all-time high of 17% per annum. Unable to speak English and without any formal qualifications, my dad was forced to shoulder three labour jobs to keep the ‘accident’ alive. My mum continued to work a full-time office job despite her ‘nightmare pregnancy’. She suffered from morning sickness for nine months straight and was rewarded with a gruelling 26-hour labour.

Growing up, it was drilled into me that life is hard, work is hard, and pushing out my giant head was very hard. I was constantly burdened with these reminders, as though being born in the year of sky-high interest rates was a choice that I had made vindictively.

Last month, my parents celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary and they recalled those ‘hard’ years with disbelief, and tears of joy and laughter. They acknowledged that God’s plans were wildly different to their plans, but life is never an accident. Although their marriage began with deep regret, with God’s help it has become a remarkable story of redemption. As of today, my parents are devoted lovers, best friends and even committed partners in the gospel. I am so grateful to have witnessed such a transformation, and it is my privilege to share their story with you.

4 5 Photo: Henry & Co. Unsplash

F I R S T I M P R E S S I O N S

It can be easy to forget that my parents were once young strangers who met and fell in love. When describing first impressions, they retold their story with tears of embarrassment and laughter.

“My first impression of your dad was that this guy talks too much and that he was very immature,” recalls my mum.

“We met at a BBQ, and even though he was already 26 years old, I caught him playing games with a bunch of kids.

“He was the oldest guy at the party and I thought to myself - wow he is weird.”

Holding my mum’s hand, my Dad laments his initial months in Australia.

“I played with children because when I first moved to Australia, I couldn’t speak English and I didn’t know anyone my age. It was very hard to meet people.”

My dad remembers my mum to be quiet, gentle and ‘as lovely as a pineapple bun’ - a sweet and delicious delicacy that I enjoyed throughout my childhood.

“I prefer women who are quiet and gentle,” explains my dad.

“Your mum isn’t the type to go, ‘BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!’ all the time.

Photo:Also, Henry her & fCo.ac Unsplashe was perfectly round like a pineapple bun - I love that.”

Although my Dad failed to make a good impression, it was a strong physical attraction which prompted a whirlwind romance. My mum recalls that it was my dad who made the first move in bizarre circumstances.

“We were at a mahjong party when suddenly all the lights were turned off and we were asked to lie on the floor in the dark,” explains my mum.

“It was a very strange game, but your dad laid next to me and suddenly grabbed my hand!

“At that moment, I couldn’t resist his advances. I thought he was very good looking,” my mum admitted with tears of laughter.

My dad has no recollection of his sneaky advances, but he admits that his age, his memory isn’t the best and that my mum would never lie.

7 T H E B E G I N N I N G O F A N I G H T M A R E

To save up for a wedding, my parents dated for three years before officially tying the knot on the 15th January, 1988. Although they thought that marriage would be a love story ‘as sweet as the movies’, their hopes were quickly dashed from an unexpected pregnancy, only two months into the marriage.

“Our plan was to wait five years before having children so that we would have enough time to buy a house and pay off our mortgage,” my dad explained with his head buried in his hands.

In 1989, the Australian interest rate hit an all-time record high of 17% per annum. To ensure that they earned enough to make repayments, my mum committed to a full-time office job throughout her ‘nightmare pregnancy’, while my dad juggled three labour jobs around the clock.

“I felt like a slave,” my dad recalls, “the moment my eyes were open, I would jump straight into work.”

8 “After I finished one shift, I would take a quick nap and head to my next job, and because I worked on weekends, I didn’t even get to spend time with my new wife.

“It got to a point where even breathing fresh air was a luxury - it was a living nightmare.”

My mum worked full-time as a travel agent in Chinatown, and was forced to return to the office after only one month of giving birth.

“By the second trimester, I was vomiting non-stop from morning sickness,” my mum recalls.

“I would run to the office bathroom to vomit, and when I was really fatigued, I would crawl under my desk for a nap.”

My mum agrees that the first few years of marriage were a ‘nightmare’, but for different reasons to my dad. Believing that love could overcome all odds, my mum had walked into marriage without the approval of her mother-in-law.

9 “Even before we got married, I knew that your grandmother didn’t approve of me because I was too short and ugly,” recalls my mum, “but your dad agreed that she would live separately to us.”

“But after marriage, I was expected to invite her and the whole extended family over for dinner, and to cook for everyone.

“I was treated like a slave and disliked for petty reasons, but I had to be respectful. I believe if your dad had married another woman, she would have beaten your grandmother up!”

Growing up, I often questioned and resented my mum’s tolerance towards mistreatment. While at school I was taught to stand up for myself and to voice my opinion, at home I was silenced by filial piety and the expectation of showing absolute respect to elders.

My dad was aware of the tension between his wife and mother, and admits that he could have managed things differently.

“At first I didn’t know how to manage the conflict, so I always stood on my mother’s side,” he explains.

“I would get angry at Mum for not being filial. If my mother says ‘A’, we shouldn’t say ‘B’, but naturally, Mum didn’t always agree with your grandmother. She’s her own person.

“After a while, I realised that it’s wrong for me to stand on your grandmother’s side and that I shouldn’t be the messenger in conflict.”

As I witnessed these dynamics in my childhood home, I came to despise Eastern values because they seemed to excuse poor boundaries, abuse of power and triangulation as a form of communication.

For my dad who held tightly to Eastern values, having to choose between his mother and wife seemed like an ‘impossible’ choice but for my mum, she knew that when the rubber hit the road, she would have to sacrifice her needs for the sake of her mother-in- law.

“I tolerated everything because if I’m making the decision to marry your dad, I need to respect my mother-in-law as though she was my own mother,” my mum recalls.

“Even if she didn’t see me as a daughter, it was my duty to serve her.”

As a child, I found this dynamic very confusing - that despite the constant put downs, my mum would persevere in showing my late grandmother unconditional respect. In my grandmother’s final years, my mum and I spent many evenings carrying her up a flight of stairs to wash her in the bathtub. Back then, I could not fathom how my mum could be so respectful towards a woman so uncaring. I’ll never forget the night that my mum finally earned her place within the family. While being served by my mum in the bathtub, my grandmother suddenly looked my mum in the eye and admitted that her son had “married the right woman”.

In a rare display of emotion, my mum broke down in tears. As a child, I thought that my grandmother had once again done something to hurt my mum, but today I understand that it was a tender moment where my grandmother admitted fault, and my mum was officially welcomed into the family.

11 T I G E R P A R E N T I N G W O E S

For my mum, the nightmare worsened when my brother and I started school, and my father became increasingly controlling as a parent.

“I was very unhappy with the way Dad parented you and your brother. We shouldn’t use anger to scare children into obedience,” she explains.

“Parents should use love and patience to earn their children’s respect.

“I wanted you to obey us out of love, not fear.”

In recalling my younger years, my mum admitted that she knew that I was suffering, and that my dad’s ‘tiger parenting’ did not create a healthy dynamic between parents and children.

12 “Every night after dinner, you were expected to immediately wash all the dishes and then assemble at the dining table for tutoring and homework,” she recalls.

“Our home was not a place of rest, and you didn’t have any freedom.”

With a look of deep regret, my dad admits that ‘tiger parenting’ wasn’t helpful, and that it was something he had adopted from growing up in Hong Kong, and being part of an incredibly strict educational system.

“In Hong Kong, students used their school holidays to do extra homework and to prepare for the following year,” he explains, “I worked you hard because I always believed that ‘knowledge is power’, but I now know this isn’t always true.”

Although my mum didn’t approve of my dad’s parenting methods, she never spoke up in fear of creating disunity within the family.

“Although I didn’t speak up against your dad, I never approved of his methods,” she laments.

“I stayed silent because I think it’s important for parents to have a united front. Children shouldn’t be forced to choose between their mum or dad.”

13 F R O M R E G R E T T O R E D E M P T I O N

My mum admits that although Dad was 'very sweet' when they were dating, he showed his true colours after marriage.

“I can admit that in the early years, I regretted my decision to marry your dad,” she explains.

“He was proud, impatient and thought he was always right, simply because he’s the man of the house. It was unbearable.”

Although my dad’s values and parenting methods were the cause for much friction in our family, my mum witnessed an unexpected transformation after he began to read the Bible and to follow God’s example of love and sacrifice.

“When your dad became a Christian, he changed 100%,” she explains proudly.

“The bible says that ‘love is patient’ and Dad keeps this verse in his heart.

“Whenever we face struggles or conflict, he remembers this verse and considers how he can love and sacrifice for others.”

My mum believes that such a remarkable change was only possible because 'God humbled him', and that with the help of the Holy Spirit, my dad became teachable and submissive to God’s Word.

She explains that attending church and learning from sermons is a spiritual discipline that my dad takes seriously, and has contributed to his growth as a man, husband and father.

“After hearing sermons at church, your dad will go home to meditate on what he’s learned, consider how it’s relevant to his life, and to make necessary changes,” she explains.

“I think there are many people who go to church and have a lot of Bible knowledge, but they don’t practice what they preach, or allow God’s word to change their life.

“Although Dad may not have the best Bible knowledge, he puts into action what he hears. Of course he isn’t perfect, but he really tries.”

In our culture where negative emotions are suppressed, my mum admits that pretending to be 'happy on the outside' was simply a facade that helped her to survive the deep unhappiness that she felt within. However, as my parents began to follow God’s teachings, my mum began to experience improvements in her mood and mental health.

“For many years, I tolerated and hid a lot of unhappiness within me,” recalls my mum, “but after Dad became a Christian and apologised to you and your brother, I began to enjoy my marriage and saw it improve year by year.”

15 When describing my mum, my father admits that she has always possessed a gentle and quiet spirit. As a former Buddhist, she was already shaped by the core values of kindness, generosity and compassion. While her transformation may not be as radical, he believes that the Holy Spirit has gifted his wife with wisdom and courage.

“Your mum’s wisdom and discernment is very powerful!” he explains.

“It’s as though she can read minds and bring peace to any conflict.”

My mum is quick to give credit to the presence of God and the power of prayer as the source of her strength and wisdom.

“I was a Buddhist for many years, but I never felt peace or a sense of God’s presence,” explains my mum.

“When I started going to church, and singing worship songs, I began to feel the presence of Jesus and it would move me to tears.

“I believe that Jesus is always with me, so before I do anything, I will pray first and ask him to give me strength and wisdom.”

To be continued...

16 G O D I S L O V E

In a ‘saving face’ culture that suppresses truth and weakness, it can be rare to hear the first-hand struggles of the generation before us, and yet I have the privilege of sharing how my parents’ ‘nightmare’ marriage was transformed into a life-long partnership of patient love and sacrifice.

Their story is far from perfect, and yet they share it with openness because they believe that God’s power is brightly displayed in human weakness. Although I grew up in an imperfect home that felt void of love and life, it became the perfect canvas by which God would flex his redemptive love and promises of eternal life. We can only celebrate the depths of these truths, when we allow for our stories to be told.

Throughout our interview, my dad emphasised the importance of living 'God’s way', and that there’s no point in reading the Bible if you’re not going to follow God’s example. So this Valentine's Day, I want to remind you that God is love (1 John 4:8), and that his love is freely available to even the worst of sinners (1 Timothy 1:15). I believe that God’s love for humanity is utterly undeserved, and that when we grasp this truth we will be freed from pride and bitterness, and empowered towards humility, forgiveness and sacrifice.

I believe that loving someone does not mean staying silent, and enabling sin or abuse, for we are called to speak truth in love to help each other mature in faith and character (Ephesians 4:14-16). Although our world is fixated on romantic love, I believe that God has called us to a life of a love and to extend it to all people without favouritism. Jesus loved the stranger, the foreigner, the sinner, and even his enemies.

Who can you love ‘God’s way’ today?

17 A B O U T H E I D I

Heidi Tai is an Australian Born Chinese who grew up in Sydney, Australia. She loves a good coffee, getting lost in the Marvel Universe and pumping 90’s RnB and Hip-Hop beats. She currently lives in Brisbane with her husband Mikey and fur-child Simba. They pastor Providence Church Brisbane and are hosts of The Greater Story podcast.

Heidi converted to Christianity at the age of twenty after being convinced of the Bible's truth and being blown away by the power and love of Jesus. Although she once hated her story and despised her character; she can now see that she's part of a redemption story that has already been written by God, the Master Author.

Stories on this side of eternity will never be perfect, but her faith in God's final chapter empowers her to write with hope: ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” - Revelations 21:4

You can find her honest and hope-filled insights on life, faith and culture here: www.heiditai.com.

Connect with Heidi here:

Patreon: patreon.com/heiditaiwrites nstagram: instagram.com/heiditaiwrites Facebook: facebook.com/heiditaiwrites Twitter: twitter.com/heiditai heidi tai x

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