GAYBY

Written by Jonathan Lisecki

Transcription 8/14/12

C/o Washington Square Arts, 310 Bowery, 2nd Floor, New York, NY, 10012, 212.253.0333 x22, [email protected]

1 01:00:14:00 She looks just like you 2 01:00:15:16 Kind of, right? 3 01:00:16:30 Sure... in the cheekbones.

4 01:00:19:15 Shut up.

5 01:00:20:15 No, she's perfect. 6 01:00:22:03 Isn't she? It better go through. 7 01:00:24:15 It will. The adoption people are gonna love you. 8 01:00:33:13 So, what do you wanna do? 9 01:00:36:00 Well, this is nice. What we’re doing. We could talk. I like talking. 10 01:00:39:14 Yeah, I’m not that big on talking. 11 01:00:43:15 Right. 12 01:00:44:09 And, I’m not that into nice.

13 01:00:47:00 Right. 14 01:00:48:17 Wow, I just never thought you'd be the first one to have a kid.

15 01:00:52:03 Why? Cause I'm barren? 16 01:00:53:16 Are you ever gonna let that go? I said that like three years ago.

17 01:00:56:00 Loudly. At my birthday party. 18 01:00:58:08 I just thought it was the correct term. 19 01:01:08:00 I meant that when we were younger you never wanted to have kids and I always did.

20 01:01:12:10 You'd have to date a guy longer then five minutes if you wanna have a kid with one. 21 01:01:15:10 It was five months. Okay? The last three lasted five to six months. So… 22 01:01:21:00 Yeah, let that sit. I’ll be right back. 23 01:01:36:05 Oh, do you mind if I take this text? It’s my best friend Jenn. She just asked me something really crazy. 24 01:01:47:19 Yeah. I don’t really care. Should we just… should we just get right to it? 25 01:01:54:06 That’s cool. Okay. 26 01:02:04:18 Hey, you know that thing when you’re looking for sex on a hookup site, and you run into someone who’s looking for something more, and you’re like… this really isn’t the place for this. Are we having that moment? 27 01:02:16:00 No, it’s just that I haven’t done this since my breakup. 28 01:02:22:15 Oh… This isn’t gonna work. I’m gonna go. 29 01:02:26:21 I’m sorry. It really has just been awhile. 30 01:02:28:15 Yeah, me too. Not since Friday. But I have a backup so I might still be able to catch him. 31 01:02:32:15 Good. 32 01:02:33:20 So, yeah, good luck. 33 01:02:38:10 Well it was nice to meet you. And… be safe. 34 01:02:46:22 Hey. 35 01:02:47:09 Hey!

36 01:02:49:10 You look really great!

37 01:02:50:15 Oh shut up. I've gained like four pounds since you saw me last.

38 01:02:53:17 No, you look good. 39 01:02:55:15 Thanks. It’s all muscle. 40 01:02:59:05 How’s the yoga studio? 41 01:03:00:10 Oh it’s good. We’re doing Bikram now. 42 01:03:02:15 Oh.

43 01:03:02:20 Unofficially. 44 01:03:03:15 Bikram. Is that the…that's the yoga where they cook you.

45 01:03:07:00 It's hot yoga. 46 01:03:08:10 Oh yeah.

47 01:03:10:00 No.

48 01:03:10:08 You don't like it? 49 01:03:11:03 I took a class once and I didn't like it.

50 01:03:12:23 For some people it's a very spiritual experience.

51 01:03:16:08 Yeah, because they're dying of thirst.

52 01:03:21:00 I missed you. 53 01:03:22:10 I missed you too. It’s been a month. That’s too long.

54 01:03:26:00 Well you moved to Brooklyn.

55 01:03:27:15 Yeah, well… 56 01:03:28:10 But I check your status updates every day. 57 01:03:30:00 You know Brooklyn isn’t really that far. And I have an entire floor for my comic book collection so it’s actually really cool.

58 01:03:38:10 So, what do you think? 59 01:03:40:15 Well I'm thinking about it. That's why I'm here.

60 01:03:42:12 Thank you.

61 01:03:43:14 We've been talking about it forever. 62 01:03:45:01 Yeah I know. 63 01:03:46:10 Since college, yeah. 64 01:03:48:15 Were you thinking that you’d just want it for yourself or do you wanna share it?

65 01:03:53:00 No, I want to share it.

66 01:03:54:01 You want to share the responsibility? It's a lot of responsibility. 67 01:03:56:10 Yeah, I want to share it. And then we’ll get to see each other more often. 68 01:04:00:00 You’re sure you don’t want to, I don’t know, wait around for the right guy to come along? 69 01:04:04:04 Wait around for the right straight guy in New York City?

70 01:04:06:15 I don’t know, get married? 71 01:04:07:16 Married? Please. What about you? Are you… have you been dating again?

72 01:04:14:00 No. No not since Tom.

73 01:04:16:14 Yeah, he wasn't right for you. 74 01:04:19:00 Well, it took me about six years to figure that out.

75 01:04:20:21 Takes time. 76 01:04:23:02 If we did this… should we just call a doctor and make an appointment or something?

77 01:04:29:05 No, I don’t want to do fertility specialists. I watched my sister go through that.

78 01:04:32:10 Oh yeah, poor Kelly.

79 01:04:35:06 It’s so expensive and I don't even really trust those doctors. They get things mixed up like you wind up with someone else's baby, someone else's sperm. I can't. I can't deal with that. 80 01:04:45:00 So then should I just go in the bathroom, jerk off into a cup, put it in a turkey baster or something?

81 01:04:50:18 No. I don't even have a turkey baster.

82 01:04:55:00 Well, how do you wanna do this?

83 01:04:58:00 I wanna do it the old fashioned way. Surprise!

84 01:05:03:20 Whoa. What? Are you just trying to get some? 85 01:05:09:15 Gross. What? No. Come on, we did it in college.

86 01:05:12:00 Yeah, we did it in college but we were really drunk when we did it.

87 01:05:15:16 Do you want to get really drunk? 88 01:05:16:20 And you stopped talking to me for like a whole month afterwards, remember? You showed up at my 20th birthday party crying and you ruined it. 89 01:05:23:07 For the millionth time I am sorry. And I did not stop talking to you because we had sex. 90 01:05:28:10 Well then why did you? 91 01:05:30:10 Who remembers? I certainly don’t. Hey, do you think that you can?

92 01:05:35:15 Can what? 93 01:05:36:16 Have sex with me? 94 01:05:38:00 What is this, a dare? Yes I can have sex with you.

95 01:05:42:00 You can do it? 96 01:05:42:20 Yes, I can. 97 01:05:44:10 I’m a guy, I can put it in anything.

98 01:05:47:15 Okay, then I’ll get an ovulation kit which tells you when you're ready but according to my lunar calendar I’m about a week.

99 01:05:54:08 And then I'll just... come over.

100 01:05:57:05 You agreeing to this?

101 01:06:00:08 I think I am. 102 01:06:02:00 Yeah, then you’re just gonna come on over and we’re gonna make a baby. 103 01:06:06:17 I stopped reading Spider-Man ever since he made that deal with the devil. 104 01:06:09:10 I was such a huge Mary Jane fan. I don’t know why they screwed that up.

105 01:06:12:10 I’m sticking to the X Books. At least when Cyclops psychically cheated with Emma Frost on Jean Grey, who we all know is the love of his life, at least there was a little build up. It didn’t happen overnight. And they didn’t need the devil to magically swoop in and say oh suddenly you’re not married…

106 01:06:25:05 Hey Tom. 107 01:06:27:03 Hey Matt. 108 01:06:29:10 Hi. 109 01:06:30:02 Hey. 110 01:06:31:00 It’s Thursday. What are you doing here? You’re supposed to come in on Wednesdays.

111 01:06:33:16 I know. I’m sorry. 112 01:06:35:10 I gave up my shift on Wednesdays so you could come in on new book day. It’s cool because, you know, we have a deal so… so why are you here?

113 01:06:43:13 Randall’s parents are in town and you know how they re-opened the crown over at the Statue of Liberty? You can go up there now. You should go it’s great.

114 01:06:51:00 Who’s Randall? 115 01:06:53:20 Oh, I thought Nelson maybe would have told you. 116 01:06:57:00 No. 117 01:06:59:00 I met a new guy. 118 01:07:01:00 Oh. 119 01:07:02:10 Randall. 120 01:07:03:10 Oh, cool. 121 01:07:04:02 He’s really nice. It’s been like a month. We met at the gym. 122 01:07:09:00 Yeah, Nelson didn’t tell me. 123 01:07:12:00 Did the new Wonder Woman come out? 124 01:07:14:08 It comes out next week. On Wednesday.

125 01:07:19:00 Would you hold a copy for me? 126 01:07:20:10 Well, there’ll be plenty of copies. Only gay guys read Wonder Woman. 127 01:07:24:15 I read it sometimes. 128 01:07:26:10 Okay, I’ll come back on Wednesday and I’ll pick that up. 129 01:07:29:00 Yeah, great. 130 01:07:30:20 Hey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I came in on the wrong day.

131 01:07:37:10 Is he your Jean Grey? 132 01:07:40:20 I can’t believe you didn’t ask me. Our child would be gaymazing.

133 01:07:44:12 I know but Matt’s my best friend.

134 01:07:46:06 I thought I was.

135 01:07:47:04 You are my best friend... from work.

136 01:07:51:05 Can he compete with this? 137 01:07:53:20 Who could? 138 01:07:54:23 Show me a picture.

139 01:07:59:15 Jenn, Linda wants you to run this bill to the post office. She said it needs to go out asap. 140 01:08:03:18 Why can’t you do it?

141 01:08:05:02 I’m the receptionist. I have to sit at the front desk and receive. I have a master’s degree. Why would I want to be a messenger too? 142 01:08:11:12 Can’t you get someone else to do it?

143 01:08:13:07 Linda feels that hierarchy isn’t what we’re about here, so everyone has to chip in. This will be waiting for you at the front desk. 144 01:08:19:17 Fine. How do I always get stuck doing this? 145 01:08:23:08 Because I took on more classes and more responsibility and made her stop treating me like an assistant. Why are all of his pictures shirtless?

146 01:08:30:00 He gets hot easily.

147 01:08:34:00 I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about Randall.

148 01:08:35:15 How is you knowing who Tom’s dating gonna make anybody’s day better? Especially mine.

149 01:08:39:13 What’s he like? 150 01:08:40:06 Who cares? Why don’t we keep the focus on you. When are you gonna try dating again?

151 01:08:45:00 Well, I joined one of those websites and I had a date. 152 01:08:47:16 What kind of a date? Which website? I am familiar with many websites. 153 01:08:52:02 I think it was called Buddy Search. 154 01:08:55:11 Dude Hunt. 155 01:08:56:14 Yeah, that’s it. 156 01:08:57:10 These sconces are so whimsical and unique. How much for the pair? 157 01:09:02:00 Those actually don’t have a price. If you’re interested you can leave a bid and we’ll get back to you. Unique whimsy is very in…right now.

158 01:09:10:00 What’s with this beard? 159 01:09:11:15 I’m becoming a bear. I’ve decided to explore my butch and masculine sides.

160 01:09:15:10 Aren’t those kind of the same thing?

161 01:09:17:05 I have no idea.

162 01:09:19:00 So, you’re a bear?

163 01:09:21:00 I’m here. I’m bear. Get used to it. Woof. Paw. You should try something new. 164 01:09:28:10 Well, how’s this for new? Jenn asked me to have a baby with her. 165 01:09:33:06 That is so Brooklyn. I’m actually getting a little tired of lesbians asking me to father their children. But the genes are good girl.

166 01:09:39:18 Jenn’s not a lesbian. 167 01:09:41:05 Really? 168 01:09:42:00 Yeah, she’s not. 169 01:09:43:00 Really? 170 01:09:44:00 Yes, she’s not a lesbian. 171 01:09:46:00 Did you say yes? 172 01:09:47:00 Yes, we’re gonna do it tomorrow. 173 01:09:49:10 Wow. Do you wanna borrow some porn for the doctor’s office? I downloaded all this amazing 70’s stuff. It’s all mustaches and no condoms. 174 01:09:57:00 We’re not gonna go to a doctor. We’re gonna have sex.

175 01:10:02:12 Now that is whimsical. Have you had her tested? 176 01:10:05:20 She’s fine. It’s been discussed. She hasn’t had sex in a while.

177 01:10:10:00 Well, it’s nice to see you reopening a closed location in these troubled times.

178 01:10:20:00 Should I take my bra off?

179 01:10:21:10 Oh god no, no. Unless it's uncomfortable for you. I don't have to do anything with them do I? 180 01:10:28:10 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's fine. 181 01:10:32:15 Good. Let’s get under the covers. 182 01:10:48:10 I shaved my legs... but then I realized I probably didn't have to. Did you... wait a little bit since the last time you... got off? You know people say that when you wait a couple days... there’s more… 183 01:11:10:15 Oh, that’s not really a problem for me. 184 01:11:14:20 Oh. 185 01:11:15:00 I mean, some guys actually say it's too much. I think that the amount will be perfect for this.

186 01:11:23:02 Okay. 187 01:11:29:14 I'm gonna take my underwear off.

188 01:11:31:10 Oh yeah, me too.

189 01:11:44:05 So, I was thinking…

190 01:11:45:08 Uh-huh. 191 01:11:45:20 that I could get started… you know outside… over here… and get it ready… and when it's just about to happen I could roll over and just pop it in?

192 01:12:02:00 Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

193 01:12:07:08 I wanted to mention though, I read somewhere that… if you… enjoy it too, then there's more of a likelihood that you'll conceive. So, if you wanted to do that on your side while I’m doing it on my side...

194 01:12:25:15 I can probably do that later. In the bathroom. By myself. I’m better by myself. 195 01:12:32:00 Okay. Okay

196 01:13:12:10 How's it going?

197 01:13:15:00 It's beginning to respond.

198 01:13:17:02 Can I peak? I'm gonna peak. I'm peaking. Oh, I forgot how big you are.

199 01:13:23:00 Come on Jenn.

200 01:13:23:18 You are so big.

201 01:13:25:10 Jenn, you don't have to do that. I'm not a straight guy. You don't have to stroke my ego. I mean it’s kind of true but I’ve seen bigger. Tom’s was huge.

202 01:13:37:04 Is that who you're thinking about right now?

203 01:13:38:23 It actually… might be a little bit easier if you didn't talk. I’m sorry. 204 01:14:19:00 Okay. 205 01:14:19:13 Okay.

206 01:14:19:15 It’s happening. 207 01:14:19:23 Okay. 208 01:14:21:10 Okay, I'm gonna come in. 209 01:14:22:03 Okay. 210 01:14:22:15 I’m coming in. 211 01:14:23:00 Don't impale me. 212 01:14:23:23 Okay, it’s gonna happen fast.

213 01:14:25:10 Okay, let me guide it. 214 01:14:26:00 Yeah, There we are. 215 01:14:28:15 Yep. 216 01:14:28:20 Okay. 217 01:14:29:15 Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. 218 01:14:39:15 Okay.

219 01:14:40:00 Yeah. 220 01:14:58:15 How many times do you think we should do it? Five? 221 01:15:08:10 Lifting up the right leg. Hips squared.

222 01:15:25:00 Oh my god. You’ve gone full-on daddy but without the whole “old guy who used to be hot” thing. 223 01:15:28:18 Oh, hey bear. Woof. 224 01:15:30:05 Woof. So how was proving to yourself that you could still do it with a woman? 225 01:15:33:08 It was surprisingly easy. We did it a couple days in a row.

226 01:15:36:15 It seemed so early for a mid life crisis and yet here we are. 227 01:15:39:16 Well you’ll be happy to know that I’m off duty right now. Until next month. 228 01:15:43:10 Good, then let’s find you a man. You need to cleanse your palate after all that puss -- 229 01:15:46:22 Excuse me.

230 01:15:48:10 Hi.

231 01:15:48:20 Can you help us out?

232 01:15:50:00 Sure, what’s up? 233 01:15:50:15 I’m looking for some comics for my son Parker here. 234 01:15:53:17 Parker. Like Peter Parker? Do you like Spider-Man? No. Okay, what kind of books do you like? 235 01:16:02:10 I like the Fantastic Four. Remember that cartoon? What does the Thing say? 236 01:16:07:10 It’s clobbering time.

237 01:16:10:08 That’s so cute. 238 01:16:12:15 Do you have a kids’ section? But no Spider-Man because we are boycotting Spider-Man, right? 239 01:16:18:10 Yeah, it’s over near there near the action figures. 240 01:16:20:19 Thanks.

241 01:16:21:05 Sure.

242 01:16:26:14 -- ssy.

243 01:16:27:13 Wow, young daddy’s kind of hot.

244 01:16:29:15 Straight guys are not hot. We’re gay. We like gay guys. We have self esteem today. 245 01:16:33:14 Oh, okay so that’s why you lower your voice like three octaves every time you meet someone cute? 246 01:16:37:20 What can I say, I’m naturally deep voiced. I have to fight to be this way with you.

247 01:16:41:10 Well, you’d never know. 248 01:16:42:15 Can we go get lunch now? I want to eat myself fat. 249 01:16:48:10 Jenn, Linda wants you to pick up her laptop at Tech-Place. They saved her drive.

250 01:16:52:20 Okay, I’m on it. 251 01:16:54:02 She said no rush. Just before five would be great. 252 01:16:56:17 Hey Valerie, I was working on some new class ideas and I thought that we should offer pre- natal. 253 01:17:02:00 But pregnant women aren’t supposed to do hot yoga.

254 01:17:04:12 But people have babies in the desert all the time. 255 01:17:06:16 But those people live in the desert all the time so they’re used to it. 256 01:17:09:30 Yeah, well I have a few clients who would really be into it.

257 01:17:13:06 Really? I don’t know. Just don’t forget the laptop. 258 01:17:19:00 Already did. 259 01:17:25:21 Hey, I’m out. You’re pouting. What’s wrong? 260 01:17:28:22 Valerie thinks that pregnant women can’t handle hot yoga. 261 01:17:31:13 Maybe she’s right. Are you gonna keep teaching once you are? 262 01:17:33:20 Well, yeah, I do hot yoga all the time. I’ll be fine. 263 01:17:36:18 You will. But we don’t want your baby coming out all twisty and toasty like a pretzel. Oh my god, you should name him Pretzel!

264 01:17:41:16 What if it’s a girl? 265 01:17:42:16 Pretzelle. No, no. Lady Windermere. Okay, I have to go. Bye.

266 01:17:47:17 Bye.

267 01:17:48:21 How long is it supposed to take? 268 01:17:50:09 I think it said to wait two to five minutes. But I don’t want to just stand here and stare at it. 269 01:17:54:16 Oh my god. We’re gonna know really soon. 270 01:17:59:00 I know. Hey, you wanna go outside on the roof and smoke? I bought a pack of cigarettes when I bought the test. 271 01:18:04:04 We shouldn’t smoke. I mean, I can. But you shouldn't cause you might be pregnant.

272 01:18:08:10 But our parents all smoke. 273 01:18:10:02 Yeah, I blame all of my lack of focus on that. 274 01:18:13:15 Okay. Well, you can smoke for the both of us.

275 01:18:15:13 No. I'm just going to hold it. In solidarity. I’m just freaking out a little bit. 276 01:18:23:18 What were we thinking? We can’t have a baby. We can’t afford to have a baby. Even if I sold all of my comics we couldn’t afford to have a baby.

277 01:18:31:11 I’ll have some money.

278 01:18:33:10 What money? 279 01:18:34:20 My grandmother left me some money in a trust for when I have my first child. If and when.

280 01:18:39:09 Did you do this for money? 281 01:18:40:14 No. No, I didn’t do this for... I didn’t not think about it.

282 01:18:45:17 How much money? 283 01:18:46:12 It's enough money. But it’s for the child, and you know my sister’s going to make sure of that. But I didn’t do it for the money. I did it because we are going to have the fiercest gayby ever. Do people still say fierce? 284 01:19:00:03 I think that actually both parents have to be gay in order for the baby to be a gayby.

285 01:19:005:00 Please, I've been a hag since birth. 286 01:19:08:00 Okay, we should check shouldn’t we?

287 01:19:09:00 No. Not just yet. 288 01:19:11:22 You know, it doesn't matter because if it's a yes, then great and if it's no, then we'll just do it again.

289 01:19:17:00 Really? 290 01:19:17:20 Yeah. We’re gonna have our baby. 291 01:19:27:19 Maybe this place isn’t conducive to creating life.

292 01:19:31:18 We could try my place next time. 293 01:19:33:14 Yeah, still, it’s so dreary. You really want this too don’t you? 294 01:19:39:00 I do. I’ve always wanted to have a kid. You know that. How else am I gonna do it? I started a new graphic novel. 295 01:19:48:15 Oh? 296 01:19:49:05 It’s about a baby, or a gayby who’s a baby by day and a superhero by night. 297 01:19:55:10 You should show it to one of those comic book bigwigs who shops at your store. 298 01:19:58:15 Yeah, I would but I took the day off when most of them come in so I wouldn’t run into Tom. 299 01:20:05:00 You need someone new. You should sign up for online dating. 300 01:20:08:00 I’ve tried online dating. 301 01:20:09:16 No, I mean the kind where you actually go out on dates. 302 01:20:13:15 Oh. Yeah. 303 01:20:17:00 Let’s both do it. I’ll sign up again. 304 01:20:19:03 Okay. 305 01:20:21:00 Do you have any pictures with your shirt on?

306 01:20:23:00 Yeah, I think there are like two. 307 01:20:25:05 Well, you don’t want to come off as too slutty. And don’t say you like hiking and camping. When was the last time you went camping?

308 01:20:30:17 I like to camp. 309 01:20:32:00 Yeah camp, like you appreciate Valley of the Dolls and Showgirls, but not like in the freakin’ woods.

310 01:20:37:00 Well, can we keep hiking? 311 01:20:38:05 Walking around in Central Park late at night is totally hiking. Sure. 312 01:20:41:14 I’ve never done that in my life, Nelson. 313 01:20:44:00 What are we gonna make your ad title?

314 01:20:45:15 What’d you use? 315 01:20:46:09 Nelly Bear. You know cause my name’s Nelson and I’m a bear.

316 01:20:49:01 Everyone is going to think Nelly means feminine. 317 01:20:51:10 Look, I’m trying to reconcile my butch, bearded ferocity with my beautiful inner woman in a tongue-in-cheek way. If people on this stupid site don’t get it, it is their loss. 318 01:20:58:16 Okay, okay. Well then call me Matt-a-tat-tat. Cause I’m about to explode onto dating scene. That works, right? 319 01:21:09:07 I don’t think that makes any sense. 320 01:21:11:10 I love it. I think it’s nice, it seems energetic. I’m on that site too. Actually, my name is Nomi Malone… on the site. 321 01:21:21:10 Showgirls. 322 01:21:23:08 You know what, do you think it’s because like it’s “No me I’m alone”? Like her existential angst is so intense that there’s no “me” and she’s alone. 323 01:21:31:04 That’s beautiful. 324 01:21:32:02 Isn’t that so intense? Like I thought about it when I saw it the first time. 325 01:21:34:16 I just like the dancing.

326 01:21:36:22 Okay. 327 01:21:39:07 The energy in my apartment is just all wrong.

328 01:21:41:08 You’re right. Your energy is really murky... yellow.

329 01:21:45:07 I meant in my apartment.

330 01:21:46:18 Well, it follows you.

331 01:21:48:08 Well, what should I do? 332 01:21:49:17 Oh, we can go shopping and buy some candles, oils, sage. Sage helps you shift. 333 01:21:55:20 Yeah, let’s do all that. But I really need to paint. 334 01:29:59:10 Oh, you should hire my brother. He paints apartments. He’s really good. Jamie knows him. 335 01:22:04:00 He takes my 5:30. He’s amazing. We went on that men’s healing retreat together.

336 01:22:08:00 Oh. 337 01:22:08:04 I could set it up for you. Make sure he gives you a good deal.

338 01:22:11:00 Thanks Linda, that’s really great. 339 01:22:12:18 No problem, sweetie. You guys should stick around for Beth’s class. She’s got a really low count. It’d be nice to have some extra bodies. 340 01:22:21:06 I didn’t know she had a brother.

341 01:22:22:12 He’s actually a pretty serious artist. She never mentions that. And he never mentions her. 342 01:22:26:10 Weird. Is he nice? 343 01:22:28:00 Not really. But he’s not mean either. He’s like opinionated and definite in this very Pollock-y way.

344 01:22:34:15 Is he gonna splash paint all over my walls? 345 01:22:36:18 No, Jennifer. He knows what he’s doing. Just don’t suggest colors to him. He feels the space and then decides.

346 01:22:43:16 Okay. You know I don’t know. 347 01:22:43:20 Just meet him. He’s insanely hot. And moderately flexible.

348 01:22:48:05 Is it weird that I don’t know what some of these initials stand for anymore? 349 01:22:51:06 Well, I think the Q is questioning. 350 01:22:53:02 Oh, well what’s the A? Is it answering? Are they answering the questions? 351 01:22:58:10 I think it might be asexual? Or like associates? I think it basically encompasses all of New York City at this point. 352 01:23:05:05 Well, what makes this center special anymore then?

353 01:23:07:07 Well, they have gay bingo. 354 01:23:09:17 I don’t know. I just, I don’t want to do any of these activities. 355 01:23:12:10 But look, they have your favorite. Gay camping. 356 01:23:15:09 I don’t want to do that.

357 01:23:16:20 Oh, gay Republicans. 358 01:23:20:00 Wow, that is so cool.

359 01:23:24:00 Nelson, you shouldn’t do that.

360 01:23:25:18 Why? Are you about to tell me there’s room for all shades of gay under the rainbow? Cause there’s not.

361 01:23:29:20 I was just going to say there are some really hot Republicans. 362 01:23:32:00 I like having sex with people I hate as much as the next person but I had to give that up in my twenties. 363 01:23:37:00 Oh, ooh I just got my tenth response. 364 01:23:41:00 Do any of them want to go hiking?

365 01:23:42:13 How many did you get?

366 01:23:43:20 What is this, a competition? 367 01:23:48:15 Since yesterday, total? Sixteen. I am so glad I went bear. 368 01:23:54:05 And this is the bedroom. 369 01:24:01:10 So?

370 01:24:05:00 This place is depressing. 371 01:24:06:12 Yeah. Can we change that? 372 01:24:09:04 I’d kill myself if I lived here.

373 01:24:28:00 Green.

374 01:24:29:00 What?

375 01:24:29:20 I can help. 376 01:24:32:00 Great. Should we… talk about pay? 377 01:24:38:20 No, you can’t afford me. But I’ll give you the lowest price since my sister said you’re Jamie’s friend. Let’s not talk about money. It’s not cool. 378 01:24:46:20 Right. Should we talk about a schedule? 379 01:24:54:00 I like to keep things loose. I’ll come when I feel it. 380 01:24:57:00 Yeah. Well maybe you should just take an extra set of keys. 381 01:25:06:01 Yeah, just put them in my pocket. 382 01:25:28:12 So, I’m just… I’m gonna go to the supermarket. Do you… do you want anything? You know just lock up when you go.

383 01:25:38:12 Dark yellow. 384 01:25:40:20 Oh, you want to paint the door yellow?

385 01:25:43:20 Your aura. You think too much.

386 01:25:48:06 Oh, I know.

387 01:25:50:05 So I was like hold up, it’s not my fault that you waited until you were forty to have kids and wound up with a litter. And she had the nerve to call me a bitch, which I found offensive because obviously she was feminizing me and I do not stand for hate language of any kind.

388 01:26:05:08 You’re so strong, silent and sexy. Let’s make out. 389 01:26:15:10 Could we keep it above the waist?

390 01:26:16:20 Come on...

391 01:26:17:20 I made a promise to myself.

392 01:26:19:18 Yeah, I didn’t promise a thing. 393 01:26:26:16 Let me just see who that is. You keep your clothes on.

394 01:26:34:20 Jenn. Hi. What’s up?

395 01:26:37:00 Is this a bad time? 396 01:26:38:00 No, no. I’m on a date, but I could kind of use a time-out. 397 01:26:42:07 Hi.

398 01:26:44:15 Hi.

399 01:26:45:10 Jenn this is…

400 01:26:49:00 It’s Adrian. 401 01:26:50:15 And this is my friend Jenn, who… she brought a suitcase. Why did you bring a suitcase, Jenn?

402 01:26:55:07 You didn’t get my email?

403 01:26:56:15 No, when did you send it?

404 01:26:57:18 Like twenty minutes ago. 405 01:26:59:08 Oh, I didn’t get it cause I had turned my phone off so I could give my full attention to…

406 01:27:05:16 Adrian. 407 01:27:06:19 Matt always forgets names when he first meets people. His mom smoked when she was pregnant.

408 01:27:10:14 Jenn. 409 01:27:11:08 What? It’s true. Oh and I’m having my apartment painted and it’s not good for me to be around the fumes when we’re trying to have a baby. 410 01:27:18:08 Jenn and I are trying to have a baby. 411 01:27:20:08 Oh, the city needs more children.

412 01:27:24:08 So, can I stay for a few days? 413 01:27:26:10 Yeah, sure. 414 01:27:27:05 Oh and, I think today is day one. I thought it was gonna be tomorrow but the thermometer says that it’s today.

415 01:27:33:15 That is so my cue to leave.

416 01:27:36:05 Thanks for getting him ready. 417 01:27:38:10 Sure. Have fun breeding. 418 01:27:42:00 I’m sorry. It was really good to meet you. 419 01:27:50:10 Sorry I chased away Adrian. He was cute. 420 01:27:52:19 Oh, it’s okay. I have a date every night this week. It’s getting hard to schedule because of all the responses.

421 01:28:01:18 I have a date with one of my two responses. 422 01:28:05:15 Well you have him meet you here missy because my baby mama doesn’t go out with anyone unless I meet him first you understand me?

423 01:28:13:00 Yes daddy. Just before our date he should meet my gay lover. 424 01:28:17:13 That’s Right 425 01:28:18:05 Wait were you gonna have sex with Adrian? 426 01:28:19:17 No! God, I just kissed him so he’d shut up. You’re the only man for me. 427 01:28:26:06 Aw.

428 01:28:27:17 It’s true. 429 01:28:28:18 Let’s spoon. 430 01:28:29:16 Okay. 431 01:28:33:15 Okay. 432 01:28:33:20 I mean.

433 01:28:42:13 Just a little tighter. 434 01:28:52:05 Wow, that’s… that’s really good. 435 01:28:55:04 Hey. 436 01:28:55:17 Hey. 437 01:28:56:16 How did Parker like the books? 438 01:28:58:19 Good memory. He sent me back for more. I think he’s hooked. 439 01:29:01:08 That’s great. 440 01:29:02:10 Yeah. 441 01:29:03:03 I’m gonna be closing soon so feel free to look around. 442 01:29:06:08 Sure. 443 01:29:06:00 I’ll just lock up. 444 01:29:07:00 Okay. 445 01:29:07:06 Okay.

446 01:29:09:07 This is the best out of what we have that’s age appropriate. 447 01:29:12:18 Wow, that’s great. Thank you so much. Anything good come out this week for adults? 448 01:29:17:20 The new FF is really great. 449 01:29:19:18 Yeah?

450 01:29:20:00 Yeah. Susan is totally flirting with Namor, who I always thought was a lot cooler than Reed. 451 01:29:25:08 Oh, come on! I mean sure, Mr. Fantastic is nerdy, but he can stretch any part of his body any way he wants. So, I mean how could she not be satisfied at home? 452 01:29:37:00 That’s true. 453 01:29:38:00 I always kinda had a thing for Johnny.

454 01:29:40:12 Oh yeah, he’s hot. 455 01:29:41:13 Right? I mean he is the Human Torch. 456 01:29:44:14 So, is he your favorite? 457 01:29:46:21 Yeah. Yeah… I like the way Derington draws his ass.

458 01:29:55:17 Are you flirting with me?

459 01:29:57:18 What made you think that? 460 01:30:00:20 Oh, I’m sorry. I feel dumb. I always think it’s happening when it’s not and then when it actually is happening I have no idea.

461 01:30:10:19 It’s okay. It’s happening. What does the Human Torch say?

462 01:30:25:07 He says “flame on.” 463 01:30:36:10 I’m sorry. You have a wife and a son. I don’t go down low. 464 01:30:41:21 I think it’s I don’t do down low.

465 01:30:44:20 I don’t… I don’t do that either. 466 01:30:46:10 Yeah, I’m divorced. And my son’s with his mom so I’m...

467 01:30:49:21 Are you out?

468 01:30:52:00 I… I am now. 469 01:31:02:00 I can’t do this here. It’s just too weird.

470 01:31:05:00 You wanna go back to my place?

471 01:31:05:23 Yeah, where’s your place? 472 01:31:06:14 Like ten blocks away. 473 01:31:07:08 Okay. Wait, that sounds like kind of far.

474 01:31:09:05 Yeah. 475 01:31:16:17 Can we just keep it above the waist? 476 01:31:17:22 Oh yeah, yeah. No down low. Either way. 477 01:31:29:21 Please tell me you’re here for me.

478 01:31:32:01 I’m here for you.

479 01:31:33:09 You’re not here for me, are you?

480 01:31:34:18 You’re not Matt, are you?

481 01:31:35:20 No, I’m Jenn.

482 01:31:37:08 I’m Daniel. 483 01:31:38:00 Hello Daniel. 484 01:31:38:18 Hi. 485 01:31:39:08 Matt’s still at work, he’ll be back home soon. You want to go and sit down?

486 01:31:42:00 Yeah, yeah sure. Thanks.

487 01:31:48:02 I gotta finish my make-up. For my date. 488 01:31:50:15 You look great to me. 489 01:31:51:22 Thank you. 490 01:31:52:18 I might have to switch teams. 491 01:31:54:11 Story of my life.

492 01:31:55:18 Aw.

493 01:31:56:18 We’ll see about that. 494 01:32:01:10 Daniel, can you get that?

495 01:32:03:10 Sure.

496 01:32:08:18 Hi... Jenn?

497 01:32:10:14 How’d you guess?

498 01:32:12:20 Be right out! 499 01:32:14:05 Do you wanna come in and sit down? 500 01:32:16:00 Sure.

501 01:32:21:00 Things are looking up.

502 01:32:26:08 I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Unless you need to? 503 01:32:30:00 No, I did already. In the hallway.

504 01:32:36:16 Okay.

505 01:32:45:18 Daniel...?

506 01:32:46:19 No. I’m Adam. Dan’s in the bathroom. I’m here for Jenn. Dan’s a looker though. Score. 507 01:32:53:00 So he is here. 508 01:32:53:18 Yes he is.

509 01:32:54:18 Damn.

510 01:32:57:16 You’re late.

511 01:32:58:16 I totally forgot I had a date. 512 01:33:00:00 How could you forget you have a date? You have a date every night. Who forgets that? Date. Every. Night. 513 01:33:06:03 You look really pretty. 514 01:33:07:08 Thanks.

515 01:33:08:10 I met Adam. He seems nice and cute. 516 01:33:10:21 Oh, I haven’t seen him yet. But I saw Daniel. He’s adorable. You wanna trade?

517 01:33:14:20 I think I’m tired of dating. 518 01:33:16:09 Your life is hard. Oh, I should probably have sex tonight.

519 01:33:21:10 You’re gonna have sex with that guy on the first date? You better use a condom.

520 01:33:25:06 Thanks dad. I meant us. 521 01:33:27:14 Oh, right. Yeah, just text me and let me know how your date is going and then I’ll end mine around the same time. Okay? 522 01:33:35:00 Okay. Well, let’s go meet our gentlemen callers.

523 01:33:37:20 Okay. 524 01:33:45:05 Well you’re welcome to come in if you want but I have to let you go when my friend comes home. 525 01:33:50:01 Well, we could always go back to my place in Astoria. I mean, if you want.

526 01:33:54:03 As tempting as that sounds, I can’t.

527 01:33:58:00 Astoria is very tempting. 528 01:34:00:00 I told my friend Jenn that I’d be here when she gets home. 529 01:34:04:00 Well maybe we can meet up again sometime?

530 01:34:06:15 Yeah.

531 01:34:09:02 Hey, guys! How was your date?

532 01:34:11:10 It was nice. 533 01:43:12:15 It was really nice.

534 01:34:14:12 How was your date?

535 01:34:16:18 What did you guys do? 536 01:34:17:21 We had Moroccan. Date, you get it? 537 01:34:21:02 Stuffed dates.

538 01:32:23:10 Oh.

539 01:34:24:00 Did you get stuffed? Date.

540 01:34:28:00 You know, you’re funny.

541 01:34:28:20 I… you’re funny. 542 01:34:30:09 Yeah, but you’re more funny. 543 01:34:31:07 I’m funny. You know what you are? 544 01:34:33:03 What? 545 01:34:33:08 You’re Moroccan. 546 01:34:35:15 Ah. 547 01:34:36:00 Mo’ rockin. You’re Mo’ rockin. 548 01:34:39:15 I like that. 549 01:34:41:07 Show ‘em the feet. 550 01:34:42:14 Alright. 551 01:34:42:20 Do the feet.

552 01:34:43:16 Ready? 553 01:34:51:15 Yeah, I wanna see you again.

554 01:34:53:00 I wanna see you again. 555 01:34:54:00 We’re going on a second date. You going on a second date? 556 01:34:56:21 Okay Jenn, I think you should get to bed. 557 01:34:58:17 No, you go to the bed and I’ll be in in a minute. I wanna make out with the Adam.

558 01:35:03:05 Ooh. 559 01:35:05:13 Okay. 560 01:35:06:00 Here.

561 01:35:09:00 Well… it was nice to meet you. 562 01:35:13:07 Yes, it was nice to meet you too. 563 01:35:17:16 This way. 564 01:35:19:00 Should I? 565 01:35:20:00 No, no it’s fine. I’ll email you sometime okay? 566 01:35:35:20 It helps to have someone get you all revved up before that.

567 01:35:41:08 Daniel didn’t rev me up. 568 01:35:44:00 How could you not like Daniel? I thought he was really cute and really fun. Didn’t you think he was cute fun?

569 01:35:49:15 Yeah, he was nice. 570 01:35:51:06 Adam wasn’t so nice. That’s why I liked him.

571 01:35:54:14 I think I like someone else. 572 01:35:57:00 The guy from last night?

573 01:35:58:10 No, from today. 574 01:36:01:14 There was another one from today?

575 01:36:04:14 He came into the store.

576 01:36:05:19 A comic geek? Like nerdy sexy? 577 01:36:08:07 Yeah, kinda. At first I thought he was straight, but then it turned out he was bi or gay. I actually don’t even know what he was. Maybe he was A, whatever that means. 578 01:36:19:14 A? A is for ally. I’m A. I’m the ally. I earned that. Don’t give it to him. Adam begins with an A. He gets an A in tongue. 579 01:36:30:11 Yeah, so does Scott. He graduates Magna Cum Hot-tay. 580 01:36:36:13 Jenn, your sister’s here. I put her in Studio B, hurry it up. 581 01:36:40:21 My sister’s here? That’s never a good thing. Jamie, you have to hold this for a minute.

582 01:36:47:07 But you peed on that thing.

583 01:36:48:14 That’s not the side I peed on.

584 01:36:50:15 But still, yuck. 585 01:36:57:14 What is with these ridiculous chairs? 586 01:36:59:15 We just taught a kid’s class. 587 01:37:01:08 Oh god please just don’t say kids to me right now. 588 01:37:03:10 Why? What’s wrong?

589 01:37:05:11 There’s a problem with Sadie.

590 01:37:07:00 Who’s Sadie? 591 01:37:07:14 The child I’m adopting. Come on, keep up here. 592 01:37:09:13 Wait I thought her name was Folasade.

593 01:37:11:16 Yeah I don’t like that. It sounds like Folic acid.

594 01:37:14:16 Why? Sade for short is so cute. 595 01:37:16:15 Well I did give it some thought. Sadie is close enough to her birth name.

596 01:37:19:15 Right. Yeah, right. 597 01:37:24:09 Where’d you just go? In your head? 598 01:37:26:09 Oh, nowhere. You just reminded me that I needed to get vitamins.

599 01:37:30:00 My adoption might be falling apart and you’re worried about your shopping list. 600 01:37:32:15 I’m sorry. Look they told you it was gonna be a long, drawn out process. But you know it’s gonna happen.

601 01:37:36:20 I know. I just can’t take much more of this. I really want her to be here, now. I’m ready to mother.

602 01:37:44:23 Hey, look I got this great book so that we’ll be ready when she starts to ask questions.

603 01:37:49:00 She’s a year old. What questions is she going to ask? 604 01:37:51:13 We need to be sensitive about the issues that arise when Americans adopt children from other cultures.

605 01:37:56:11 So I should let her grow up in an orphanage to avoid issues?

606 01:37:59:03 Okay, that’s not what I meant. 607 01:37:59:21 No I know what you meant. I’m white, she’s black, so I’m gonna need you to come over and explain it to her. I can’t wait. You can teach her about hip-hop and civil rights.

608 01:38:06:11 Did you just come here to argue? 609 01:38:07:21 No. You’re going on a date with my friend Peter next Thursday. You’ll love it. He’s a font of information. He’s been to Africa, multiple times.

610 01:38:16:16 I don’t know.

611 01:38:17:12 Do not say no to me today.

612 01:38:19:00 Fine. I’ll go.

613 01:38:21:16 And don’t waste money on extra vitamins. Just one good multi is enough. You only need to take Folic acid if you’re trying to get pregnant.

614 01:38:28:06 Right, right. 615 01:38:30:07 You just went somewhere again. Did something happen? 616 01:38:32:22 No, no. It’s just all this talk about Fola... Sadie makes me want to have a baby too.

617 01:38:40:04 You’re so competitive.

618 01:38:41:03 Shut up. 619 01:38:43:12 Well, when the time comes you’ll go see my fertility guy. He’s the best in the city. Even though he didn't do a goddamn thing for me.

620 01:38:49:14 I should get back to work. I love you. It’s all gonna work out. 621 01:38:54:18 It better. Or I will start drinking again. 622 01:39:02:06 Okay, give me that back. I’m pretty sure that is the side I peed on.

623 01:39:05:11 Gross. And it’s a no, girl.

624 01:39:07:06 Damn.

625 01:39:07:23 More gay sex for you.

626 01:39:09:10 Should I go to my sister’s horrible Upper East Side doctor?

627 01:39:11:21 No. But I, in fact, have an amazing gynecologist.

628 01:39:15:21 What? Why? 629 01:39:16:11 Well, no not like that. I mean he does inspect my vagina regularly, but only in the bedroom. 630 01:39:22:10 Skipping that for now, you know I hate Western medicine.

631 01:39:26:18 Jenn, you are not doing that. You’re going to my doctor who practices in Eastern-Western mix. 632 01:39:31:00 So does mine... in bed. Valerie, what happened in there? 633 01:39:38:00 You can’t just eat kale. 634 01:39:40:00 Do you think all these are necessary? 635 01:39:42:01 We’ll tweak anything that we need to but call me if there are any unpleasant side effects.

636 01:39:46:15 Okay.

637 01:39:47:11 How’s the sex? 638 01:39:48:20 Oh you know, it was really awkward at first but now that we got the hang of it it’s fine.

639 01:39:52:22 Only fine? 640 01:39:54:00 Oh, he’s my best friend. We’re only having sex to get pregnant.

641 01:39:56:15 As if men need an excuse to have intercourse.

642 01:39:59:00 Right. He’s gay though. 643 01:40:01:06 Oh. Let me give you something. I make a loose leaf tea with extra horny goat weed.

644 01:40:09:04 What’s that?

645 01:40:10:02 It’s a weed. That goats eat. That makes them horny. It has the loveliest of tastes. And it helps increase the sex drive. Getting pregnant can take time and we don’t want you to get tired of having sex. 646 01:40:21:19 Is there anything to increase my bust size?

647 01:40:23:20 Yes. Getting pregnant.

648 01:40:26:15 Oh, I like you. You’re funny. 649 01:40:30:10 Yes. So you just stick to that list. But apart from that you just relax. Meditate. Be peaceful. Do yoga. 650 01:40:38:04 Oh, that’s what I do! I teach Bikram.

651 01:40:39:19 Oh, I don’t like that. It’s too hot. 652 01:40:42:18 Well, do you think the heat will be bad for the baby? 653 01:40:44:17 No. Since Lilith, women have been giving birth in the harshest of extremes. You’re going to be fine. I can see that.

654 01:40:51:19 Who’s Lilith?

655 01:41:02:22 Gross! Jenn what is this?

656 01:41:04:00 Don’t drink that. That’s my fertility tea. 657 01:41:06:15 Well, it’s nasty. What the hell’s in it? 658 01:41:09:07 It’s horny goat weed and some other herbs. 659 01:41:11:04 What is this, Rosemary’s Baby? Are you sure it’s okay to drink that? 660 01:41:14:22 My fertility guru gave it to me. She’s amazing. I love her. It’s so delicious. I love this tea. I’ve already had like three cups. There’s a male version. You want me to get you some? 661 01:41:21:06 No, that’s okay I don’t need any horny goat help. I gotta go to work.

662 01:41:24:14 Okay, bye. 663 01:41:25:14 Go, go, lock it, lock it, lock up that left knee and easily pump it out. Yes can we do this? Yeah loosen it up, make a circle. Who’s got a circle in them? You do, you do, make the circle. Make it, okay, let it go. Shake it out. Right into tree! And to the right. To the left and oh get your asses into it. Little bit of trunk in the… yes. You know what? imagine you’re in a club. Feel the bass. Feel the bass in that club? Fell the bass in that club? That’s right. Shake it out, shake it out, let it go. Let it go. That is class, ladies. That is class. Very nice job. Well done. Nice, ladies! 664 01:41:09:11 Class was really different today.

665 01:42:11:10 I know, but it was a good change. 666 01:42:13:09 Right? We should change it up more often. Wasn’t it great?

667 01:42:16:14 It was just... really different. 668 01:42:19:07 Yeah.

669 01:42:19:09 I was into it. I felt the bass. 670 01:42:22:07 You two are just so inspiring. You notice the differences in life. 671 01:42:27:08 Yeah, thanks. 672 01:42:28:15 I want you to leave class remembering that. I’m just gonna swim on out of here. 673 01:42:36:23 Over to here. 674 01:42:40:20 It feels good in here. It feels good in here. Feels good in here. 675 01:42:47:16 Oh my girl. A dance break! Yes!

676 01:43:00:07 Go. 677 01:43:07:18 And then I started a non-profit building schools in Africa.

678 01:43:10:10 Amazing. 679 01:43:11:19 Yeah so I spend three months of the year over there and the rest of the time I’m here hitting up my old co-workers for guilt money.

680 01:43:19:00 Ha ha! that is so amay... you are just amay-may. 681 01:43:23:10 What about you? What do you do? 682 01:43:24:15 I teach Bikram and a mix of other forms, vinyasa flow and such. Our studio’s thing is that we do a strict Bikram unofficially and a regular hot. It’s really rare. 683 01:43:36:13 Okay, that sounds nice.

684 01:43:38:14 And I’m proposing some new classes so this way I can stop having to run errands for my boss. 685 01:43:43:08 Cool. And… any other goals?

686 01:43:46:15 I really want to get pregnant. 687 01:43:50:17 Great. So you teach yoga, you run errands, and you really want to get pregnant.

688 01:43:55:15 Sure. Yeah. Like, definitely this year. But hopefully this month. 689 01:44:00:00 Great wonderful. I’m gonna go. It was really nice meeting you. I’m gonna pay for the drinks if that’s okay. 690 01:44:05:08 Oh you’re leaving? Already you’re gonna go?

691 01:44:07:10 Yeah. I’m looking for an adult relationship. You seem like a really nice girl. I just don’t have the time to waste.

692 01:44:14:00 Oh I totally get it. The African children need you. 693 01:44:18:16 Good luck. 694 01:44:19:05 You too. 695 01:44:24:00 Whitey. 696 01:44:25:20 Hey, could I get… change for this for these. Thank you. 697 01:44:30:11 Is this for the Manhattan or the Martini? 698 01:44:35:17 I’m sorry, do you mind if I take this? 699 01:44:37:23 Right now? 700 01:44:39:13 Yeah. Real quickly. Hello. 701 01:44:41:22 Hi Adam, it’s Lilith. 702 01:44:44:01 Lilith? 703 01:44:45:03 She was Eve before Eve. 704 01:44:47:05 I see. Well Lilith, I’m a little busy right now. 705 01:44:52:00 Are you on a date with someone else? Say my name. Say my name. 706 01:44:55:00 Okay. How about we talk tomorrow. Try not to get all weird on me, alright? 707 01:45:00:12 Oh, I’m already there. 708 01:45:03:19 I’m sorry about that. 709 01:45:04:12 Who was that? 710 01:45:09:05 Oh girl, you look so sad. 711 01:45:15:15 This is nice. 712 01:45:16:18 Yeah. 713 01:45:20:11 You know what would be nicer? 714 01:45:21:13 What? 715 01:45:24:17 If we took off our shirts. 716 01:45:27:03 Okay. 717 01:45:32:22 Oh, glasses. 718 01:45:33:08 Oh, sorry. 719 01:45:34:09 Oh, there we go. 720 01:45:51:19 What was that? 721 01:45:52:18 I’m sorry that’s… that’s my friend Jenn. 722 01:45:58:12 Hey, I dropped my keys. 723 01:46:00:11 I thought you were on a date. 724 01:46:03:19 Yeah, it didn’t go so good. 725 01:46:07:07 I’m sorry. Maybe, could you go away for a little while and then come back? I need some more time. 726 01:46:13:07 Can I go downstairs in the room with the comic books? 727 01:46:16:19 No. 728 01:46:17:12 Who is it tonight? Lorenzo?

729 01:46:20:00 It’s that guy from the store. So maybe you could go back to your place for a bit and I’ll text you. 730 01:46:26:00 Sure. Yeah, sure. 731 01:46:28:16 Thank you so much. 732 01:46:29:17 Yeah, Oh hey, don’t you do anything that I wouldn’t do. 733 01:46:33:17 Okay. There are actually a lot of things that I would do, that you wouldn’t do, that I just might do.

734 01:46:45:05 I did booty sex once! 735 01:46:59:14 Oh, what are you doing here so late? 736 01:47:02:21 I was priming. 737 01:47:04:13 I don’t know what that means. 738 01:47:06:11 Don’t worry about it. I do my own stuff during the day. I need light for my work. I save this for night. It calms me. My work is really violent.

739 01:47:21:01 I’d like to see it sometime.

740 01:47:22:10 I don’t know if you can handle it.

741 01:47:30:14 What’s wrong? Your color’s off. 742 01:47:34:10 I just had this really terrible date with this judgmental do- gooder douche bag.

743 01:47:39:00 Oh man, I hate that type. 744 01:47:40:14 Yeah. And the guy that I’m having sex with and the guy I like are both busy. So, you know…

745 01:47:46:02 You’re polyamorous? Right on. 746 01:47:49:19 Yeah. And I’m taking these herbs that are making me feel like all sorts of weird.

747 01:47:53:20 What kind of weird?

748 01:47:55:01 Like crazy horny weird.

749 01:47:59:09 You wanna have sex? I’m basically done here. I’ve got like half an hour to kill. 750 01:48:05:08 Let’s kill it. 751 01:48:19:20 No, wait, wait, wait. Do you have a condom? 752 01:48:21:19 I don’t think so. I wasn’t really expecting this tonight. Do you have any? 753 01:48:27:19 Oh yeah, wait. In the bathroom there’s a twelve pack from when I first moved in. 754 01:48:31:04 Okay, I’ll bring the box.

755 01:48:39:21 Hurry up.

756 01:49:07:16 Don’t worry. It’s water based.

757 01:49:08:21 What?

758 01:49:09:22 Water based.

759 01:49:10:16 The lube?

760 01:49:11:13 No, the paint.

761 01:49:13:06 The what?

762 01:49:13:23 The wall, it’s still wet.

763 01:49:16:08 I’m so wet.

764 01:49:17:23 Hell yeah.

765 01:49:18:19 Don’t stop.

766 01:49:19:18 Hell no! 767 01:49:20:14 Don’t you dare stop! 768 01:39:28:00 Okay, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. 769 01:49:34:09 Wow. 770 01:49:35:17 Yeah. 771 01:49:37:23 That was really athletic. 772 01:49:40:12 Yeah.

773 01:49:43:17 You sure you don’t want to do it tonight?

774 01:49:45:15 Yeah, let’s just do it in the morning.

775 01:49:47:17 Okay.

776 01:49:54:04 Maybe we should try the turkey baster thing.

777 01:49:58:16 Really?

778 01:50:00:15 You sound disappointed. 779 01:50:03:02 No, I mean obviously no. I am gay. Is something wrong?

780 01:50:10:18 No, no. I’ve just been working a lot. I’m really tired.

781 01:50:16:10 You’re stretched out from all that yoga?

782 01:50:22:16 Hello? 783 01:50:23:18 Nelly?

784 01:50:25:06 This is she. 785 01:50:26:18 Hey, do you have any of those needle-less syringe things we used to give your cat meds with? 786 01:50:33:04 Yeah I have a whole box of them. Why? 787 01:50:35:08 Jenn and I need some. We’ve decided to move past sex.

788 01:50:38:17 Oh good because let me say, that was really ridiculous. 789 01:50:42:00 Could you bring some over?

790 01:50:43:15 Now?

791 01:50:45:02 Why are you whispering? 792 01:50:46:10 Because I’m in a magical land called Astoria where no one need speak above a whisper. I gotta go. Gimme some sugar. 793 01:51:05:17 You woke me up and made me come here and went back to sleep? Get up.

794 01:51:09:06 Hey. 795 01:51:10:20 I’m so glad that my cat’s death could help you procreate.

796 01:51:14:00 Is that what I think it is?

797 01:51:15:17 Yes, it’s Miss Lulu Kitty’s ashes. She needed to be here if she’s gonna help create life. 798 01:51:19:23 Oh okay. Well, hi Miss Lulu Kitty. Thank you for the syringes.

799 01:51:28:03 If it’s a girl you should name her Lucretia as an homage.

800 01:51:30:17 And what if it’s a boy?

801 01:51:31:15 I don’t know. Ash? Tin? Ashton. 802 01:51:36:16 I’m gonna get to it.

803 01:51:37:19 Go for it.

804 01:51:38:10 Do you want to help?

805 01:51:39:00 Nope. Not into you.

806 01:51:39:23 Not even a little bit?

807 01:51:40:17 Nope. And not ever.

808 01:51:41:07 That’s because you loved Tom.

809 01:51:43:05 Partially.

810 01:51:44:01 And you hated me when I started dating him.

811 01:51:45:13 Definitely.

812 01:51:46:16 But you’re still my friend.

813 01:51:47:20 Well we work on the same block and you’re a good lunch date. Besides, I like that I have one friend that I’m not secretly in love with. That’s refreshing and rare for us gays. 814 01:51:55:00 That’s true. Hug me?

815 01:51:57:02 No, not this early gross. 816 01:51:59:01 I’m gonna go jerk off. 817 01:52:00:18 Can you hurry up please I need to go to brunch.

818 01:52:05:20 I love you Miss Lulu.

819 01:52:09:00 Oh, hey Nelson. Where’s Matt?

820 01:52:11:08 In the bathroom jerking off into my dead cat’s oral medicine dispenser so that he can inject you with his baby juice.

821 01:52:17:08 Before my first cup of coffee? 822 01:52:19:03 Well you better have one, because once he ejaculates, you really should insert it within the first twenty minutes.

823 01:52:23:04 Okay. 824 01:52:24:00 It’s ten-fifteen, do you know where your cervix is?

825 01:52:27:00 You know, not really.

826 01:52:29:00 Stick your index finger in your vagina. Not here.

827 01:52:32:10 Okay. 828 01:52:32:19 Now you want to feel along the inside of your sugar walls. Towards the front. This way. 829 01:52:37:00 How do you know so much about this?

830 01:52:38:08 I have two children.

831 01:52:39:13 Really?

832 01:52:40:15 Yes. One with each half of a lesbian couple. I gave up my parental rights, but I see them sometimes. Not as often as I’d like, cause they live in Park Slope. I’m kind of their aunt.

833 01:52:50:03 That is so sweet. 834 01:52:51:13 Yeah, anyway, your cervix is near the top of your vagina. It’s kind of squishy, like a -- 835 01:52:55:09 Okay. You need to stay and help us.

836 01:52:56:17 Of course I do. 837 01:52:59:02 Okay lets lift this pillow a little bit. Okay. How’s the pillow? 838 01:53:03:04 Oh, it’s okay. 839 01:53:04:11 Are you ready? 840 01:53:05:08 Yeah . 841 01:53:06:03 Are you ready? 842 01:53:10:06 Sperm. Now I have to shoot this in slowly so it’ll take a hot minute. Nice yard work. 843 01:53:18:13 Oh thank you I… 844 01:53:22:22 There. All done. Now, don’t move for a half an hour. Are you using a predictor kit? 845 01:53:28:07 I’m using an online lunar cycle ovulation calendar. 846 01:53:31:12 That’ll do. Now do this at least once a day for four more days and it’ll probably work. It worked both times for me.

847 01:53:36:23 Thank you so much.

848 01:53:38:15 Just make me Goddess-mother.

849 01:53:39:19 No, really. Thank you. 850 01:53:41:17 You, take me and Miss Lulu to brunch. You, stay there for 30 minutes. 851 01:53:46:21 Okay. Can you bring me a crepe? 852 01:54:33:13 Yeah. What? Oops. Don’t worry about it. 853 01:54:44:15 It’s time. 854 01:54:46:02 Oh no! I’m sad you’re leaving. I haven’t spent this much time with you since college. It’s been fun. 855 01:54:54:07 That’s why I’m leaving right now, while it’s still fun. I don’t want to over-stay my welcome. 856 01:54:58:02 You could never. 857 01:54:59:01 Yes I could, trust me. 858 01:55:00:12 I have a good feeling about this month. 859 01:55:02:19 Me too. 860 01:55:16:00 No one signed up for my pre- natal class. Pregnant women are not into hot yoga. 861 01:55:25:00 Can I ask you something crazy? 862 01:55:27:00 Something crazy? As opposed to everything else you say? 863 01:55:30:00 What about instead of hot yoga, warm yoga? 864 01:55:34:02 Lukewarm? 865 01:55:34:20 No. Warm-Warm. Like everyone who hates hot yoga could do it. Pregnant women could do it and they’d still get some of the benefits. Do you think it’s any good?

866 01:55:42:20 No. It sounds ludicrous. But it’s also so stupid, maybe smart people would love it.

867 01:55:48:00 Yeah. I’m gonna take it to Linda. 868 01:55:50:03 It’s crazy. But it’s also amazing. It’s craymazing.

869 01:55:53:06 I hope so.

870 01:55:55:07 Something’s different about you. Your energy’s changed.

871 01:55:58:21 I don’t want to talk about it. 872 01:56:00:11 Oh, yes you do. What is it? All the gay sex confusing your feelings? 873 01:56:04:14 No. We stopped having sex. We’re doing the turkey baster method. But with a cat syringe. 874 01:56:11:13 Did you finally realize how totally bizarre that whole scenario was? 875 01:56:15:17 No it’s not that. I just kind of had sex with someone else and then I just felt really weird about having it with Matt. 876 01:56:21:13 Who was it? One of these dates?

877 01:56:23:06 No. It’s…it’s someone else.

878 01:56:25:22 No way! Did you have sex with Louis?! 879 01:56:28:16 Oh my god! How was it? Tell me everything so I can imagine it was me. 880 01:56:31:17 You know it was really out of nowhere. It was like really intense and…

881 01:56:36:14 Craymazing, obviously. 882 01:56:38:04 Yeah, it was also that. But it also just felt really wrong. 883 01:56:43:04 Well, sure Jenn. That’s because he has a girlfriend.

884 01:56:46:13 What? He did not tell me that.

885 01:56:48:17 Did you ask?

886 01:56:49:13 No, but he didn’t offer.

887 01:56:51:00 Well, he was busy offering something else.

888 01:56:52:20 Oh no, god now I feel terrible. 889 01:56:55:00 You should. 890 01:56:55:09

891 01:56:57:18 Home-wrecker.

892 01:56:59:17 We sold out of the one where he dies, but we have plenty of the one where he comes back to life. No, no he’s already alive again. Cause they’re making a movie about him so... 893 01:57:11:16 Hey Parker! 894 01:57:13:01 Sorry, could you hold on a second?

895 01:57:14:03 Hi. How’s it going? 896 01:57:16:21 He can’t stop talking about comics. He is hooked.

897 01:57:19:04 That’s so cute. Hi. 898 01:57:22:00 Can I help you with anything else today? Okay, bye. 899 01:57:29:00 Hi.

900 01:57:30:19 Hi. 901 01:57:32:14 So, I know that you said you’re busy, but is there any night this week that you might want to go out for dinner or something?

902 01:57:39:19 I have Parker all week so I can’t get away. I wish I could. But… you know he’s gotta come first.

903 01:57:46:01 Oh, I totally understand.

904 01:57:49:08 This has gotta be super casual. I gotta take things slow.

905 01:57:53:17 Yeah, slow... totally.

906 01:57:57:10 Are you sure you’re okay with that? 907 01:57:59:03 Yeah, of course I’m okay. Slow. I can do that. 908 01:58:05:09 Then he’s like, “Can you handle casual?” And he has a kid with his ex-wife. I mean maybe he does just want to take it slow but I just… I think I’m ready for something more right now. 909 01:58:14:21 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we just take a breath here for a moment?

910 01:58:18:09 I’m trying to -- 911 01:58:19:04 Hang up the phone. I’m here now.

912 01:58:20:07 Oh, right.

913 01:58:21:18 Now, first let’s take a moment to celebrate the fact that you’re freaking out about someone and it’s not Tom.

914 01:58:29:04 You’re right. 915 01:58:30:03 And it’s great to hear that. But this doesn’t sound all that different.

916 01:58:34:01 But I really like this guy. 917 01:58:35:14 You’ve been on what, like two dates with him? And now he says he wants to keep it casual? So you either accept that or you stop dating him. There’s no in between. 918 01:58:43:05 I know, I know.

919 01:58:46:00 Can you do casual?

920 01:58:47:02 Absolutely not.

921 01:58:48:05 You can’t engage in this. It’s just repeating a cycle. They say when it’s hysterical it’s historical.

922 01:58:55:03 What does that even mean? 923 01:58:56:06 It means that if you’re getting crazy over this guy so soon it has nothing to do with him and more to do with how you feel when you think people are abandoning you. 924 01:59:05:19 Wow. Where’d you get that from? 925 01:59:07:16 Jamie and I read Codependent No More together at work sometimes. 926 01:59:10:30 You’re very full of wisdom today. 927 01:59:14:12 I know. Let’s just go with it. So what’s going on with your Super-Gayby book? 928 01:59:18:11 Well the only place that’s really good for it is Kapow and Tom works there now so I can’t bring it to him. 929 01:59:24:22 Matt, come on! You have to stop letting him get in your way.

930 01:59:27:11 I know.

931 01:59:30:08 I have to tell you something.

932 01:59:32:01 Bad or good?

933 01:59:33:09 One of each. 934 01:59:34:00 Well can you give me the good please? I don’t think I can handle the bad right now.

935 01:59:37:04 At work today I was adjusting a posture and a woman elbowed me in the breast. And out of nowhere I screamed, “Ow my tit!”

936 01:59:44:18 Your breasts aren’t sensitive. 937 01:59:46:04 They aren’t... ever.

938 01:59:49:00 Oh…

939 01:59:49:22 Yeah…

940 01:59:52:04 Really…? 941 01:59:52:14 Really! I went to Dr. Ushma and she confirmed and everything.

942 01:59:56:02 We’re pregnant?!

943 01:59:56:22 We’re pregnant!

944 01:59:57:17 Oh my god, that’s amazing! 945 02:00:02:14 Wow, I am so excited! 946 02:00:05:00 Yeah. 947 02:00:06:10 Wait, what was the bad thing? 948 02:00:07:08 Oh, I don’t remember. It mustn’t have been that important. Are you happy?

949 02:00:10:18 So much so, yeah.

950 02:00:11:19 Me too.

951 02:00:15:07 Hello everyone. I’m teaching for Jamie tonight. Hey Valerie. Just find your space okay? Your space. Just take a minute. Just be by yourself in that space. 952 02:00:32:05 Yeah, hi. What are you doing here?

953 02:00:35:15 I take this class every week.

954 02:00:38:00 Oh yeah. Right.

955 02:00:41:20 Do you mind?

956 02:00:42:13 No, no, no… no. 957 02:00:46:20 Alright, take a comfortable seated position, long spine. Alright, let’s take a deep inhale through the nose, just this first time let’s take it out through the mouth. Let go of the stresses of the day. Okay? Let go of your job, your pets. Okay? Let go of that confrontation on the subway let that go. Your boyfriends. Okay? The girlfriends… 958 02:01:28:17 The girlfriends that you have that you don’t tell other girls you have. Let’s just let that go. Alright, let’s think about responsibility. Okay? That word. About being an adult. Okay? All those really good qualities, even if you don’t have them. Let’s breathe that in. 959 02:01:55:15 And lets exhale right on out to warrior two. Let’s hold warrior two for a minute. Breathing. Well done. Breathing. Nice. A little deeper. 960 02:02:07:17 Does it hurt? It should probably not hurt. 961 02:02:10:21 Keep your head up to the sky. Excellent, excellent, beautiful. Oh, this is nice. This is very balanced.

962 02:02:20:00 Take care, be well. 963 02:02:24:08 Dude, why are you so mad at me?

964 02:02:27:20 You have a girlfriend? 965 02:02:29:04 We broke up. I mean… we were broken up that week. We break up a lot. I would never have been with you if we were together. I’m not like that.

966 02:02:39:20 Really?

967 02:02:40:17 Really. We had a connection. And at the time I was free to act on it. 968 02:02:48:15 Okay. You know it was really… It was fun.

969 02:02:54:18 Yeah. It was. And I’m grateful to you. You helped me.

970 02:03:00:00 How? 971 02:03:02:00 After I had sex with you I realized I wanted my girlfriend back. 972 02:03:06:15 Are you always this much of a jerk?

973 02:03:08:09 No, listen, just... Who knows what could have happened? You could have gotten pregnant. Our whole lives could’ve changed in an instant. I’m not ready for that with anyone else. 974 02:03:18:02 Great, you could’ve told me that in person instead of leaving me a note. Post-it note. 975 02:03:22:07 Yeah, that… that wasn’t cool. Sorry. 976 02:03:28:00 It’s okay. Thank you for not charging me.

977 02:03:35:22 What’s different about you? 978 02:03:37:21 Oh, I’m stepping up my work game. Trying to impress your sister.

979 02:03:41:22 Good luck with that. But you’re not pregnant though, right? 980 02:03:47:00 Why are you asking me? We were safe.

981 02:03:48:21 Yeah, but come on...

982 02:03:49:23 Come on what?

983 02:03:51:17 You know the condom broke. 984 02:03:52:18 Yeah, and then you pulled out and put another one on immediately.

985 02:03:56:15 Yeah, and that one broke too.

986 02:03:57:20 And then you put on another one.

987 02:03:59:12 And that one broke. 988 02:04:00:13 The last one broke? You did not tell me that!

989 02:04:03:17 I thought you knew. And it was a little bit too late at that point.

990 02:04:07:08 Too late?

991 02:04:08:01 I was... finishing. And you were telling me not to stop. I thought you felt it break and didn’t care.

992 02:04:13:00 I care! 993 02:04:14:01 Then why do you have a box of five-year-old condoms in your medicine cabinet. There was a layer of dust on those things like an inch thick.

994 02:04:19:01 I haven’t needed them lately. 995 02:04:20:22 Look, I’m pretty sure that it broke as I was pulling out, so if you’re not pregnant by now we have nothing to worry about.

996 02:04:28:10 No. You have nothing to worry about. You should just go.

997 02:04:38:08 You… wanna… maybe? 998 02:04:42:15 No. I don’t. You need to go. Now. Out.

999 02:04:46:04 Alright. I like this new color.

1000 02:05:07:06 Hey did I miss Louis?

1001 02:05:10:18 I’m sorry, what? 1002 02:05:11:13 My brother. Was he in class today? Did I miss him?

1003 02:05:14:06 Oh, yeah he was just here.

1004 02:05:17:18 So how was he? 1005 02:05:19:13 In what way?

1006 02:05:20:18 As a painter. 1007 02:05:22:07 Oh right, yeah of course, I’m… I thought that you meant in class. Everything was just fine. He didn’t even charge me. 1008 02:05:31:10 Did you have sex with my brother?

1009 02:05:33:10 I… don’t -- 1010 02:05:35:07 Oh my god! I know that face. I’ve been seeing that look on my friends’ faces since high school.

1011 02:05:40:15 It just happened one night.

1012 02:05:42:09 I cannot believe he’s still doing this shit to Susan.

1013 02:05:45:03 But he said that they broke up. 1014 02:05:46:17 Yeah. He breaks up with her when it’s convenient for him.

1015 02:05:50:02 It won’t happen again. 1016 02:05:51:13 No, it won’t. You should take a break for a few days. Take a week off. 1017 02:05:56:10 Yeah no, I don’t really need a break.

1018 02:05:57:22 It’s not a request. Take a break. 1019 02:06:06:07 Hey. It’s me. How’s our baby? Are you dealing with my birthday cake still? I think I’m gonna invite Scott to have our first sleepover after my party. 1020 02:06:14:18 I realized today that I haven’t had sex with anyone but Tom, oh and you, in almost seven years. That is crazy. I’m getting really excited about Friday night. 1021 02:06:23:16 Good morning. Happy birthday to me! I really don’t want to make this all about me Jenn but you’re ruining my birthday, again. 1022 02:06:30:08 Jennifer, it’s your mother.

1023 02:06:32:18 I’m getting worried. Are you okay? Is the baby okay? 1024 02:06:35:21 I’m fine. The baby’s fine. I’m coming right over.

1025 02:06:56:01 Oh, darn.

1026 02:06:57:00 What?

1027 02:06:57:07 I forgot the cake.

1028 02:06:58:09 Don’t worry, I took care of it. 1029 02:07:03:06 Matt, I have to tell you something. 1030 02:07:04:14 What? Oh wait… it’s not gonna ruin my birthday is it? Did you see Scott with someone else? 1031 02:07:09:14 No. 1032 02:07:10:01 Oh. Well how bad could it be then? 1033 02:07:11:14 Bad. You remember the night that I went back to my apartment for a few hours and the house painter was there. 1034 02:07:17:18 Mmhmm.

1035 02:07:18:18 I accidentally had sex with him. 1036 02:07:21:12 Oh no, Jenn. What, do you have feelings for him or? I thought he was a jerk. You depressed? Do you want a hug? 1037 02:07:29:15 No. And it’s not that. 1038 02:07:32:03 Oh.

1039 02:07:33:09 Of course we used a condom, but it broke. And then we used another condom and it broke. And then we used another condom and that one broke too. And it was around the same time...

1040 02:07:45:17 What do you mean, exactly?

1041 02:07:49:00 I mean there’s a really small chance that the baby might be his and not yours. 1042 02:07:58:03 Happy Birthday!

1043 02:08:00:13 Surprise! 1044 02:08:02:15 Wait you didn’t tell me it was a surprise party.

1045 02:08:08:00 Oh great. Now you show up. 1046 02:08:12:17 Oh, is he…? He’s not okay. 1047 02:08:23:16 I’m gonna wait for this. For him to come back. 1048 02:08:26:00 Do you need help? 1049 02:08:26:20 No not really. Not that kind. Maybe later. 1050 02:08:31:09 Where’s Jenn? She texted me. She needs me. Have you seen my friend? Oh it’s fine. Where’d you get that shirt? 1051 02:08:38:13 Uh… 1052 02:08:39:00 It’s really cute. It fits… 1053 02:08:39:20 Okay, you can go. She’s in there. 1054 02:08:40:05 Oh, she’s in there. 1055 02:08:42:20 Oh, aw.

1056 02:08:50:05 Should we call him again? 1057 02:08:51:15 I already said he turned his phone off.

1058 02:08:53:06 You say a lot of things, Nelson. 1059 02:08:54:19 Oh my god this is so not about us. 1060 02:08:56:18 How do you guys know each other? 1061 02:08:58:07 We’re bar enemies. She used to troll at the same bar I hung out at.

1062 02:09:01:10 Oh I trolled and you hung out?

1063 02:09:03:08 That’s what it looked like.

1064 02:09:04:11 Anyone who was at The Pipe at 3 AM was trolling, including you.

1065 02:09:08:16 Guys, stop. 1066 02:09:09:13 She’s just mad because she and I have the same type but I always got first choice, and she had to settle for my leftovers.

1067 02:09:14:11 And if she believes that, she is out of his mind. 1068 02:09:17:13 Don’t you mix my gender pronouns.

1069 02:09:19:03 Oh I will speak in the her person whenever I want. Deal with it aging twink. 1070 02:09:22:12 Feminine bear. 1071 02:09:23:13 Oh you would be effemina-phobic. Self loathe much?

1072 02:09:26:03 Don’t you dare. I own my womanhood. I’m a proud sissy queen, Miss Nelly Bear 8. 1073 02:09:30:11 Checking out my online profile again? 1074 02:09:32:23 When I need to laugh. 1075 02:09:36:21 (phone ring – “Hey girl hey, hey girl hey”)

1076 02:09:42:12 Hi. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay bye. 1077 02:09:54:16 Was that Matt? 1078 02:09:56:12 Yeah. He said he won’t come home until you aren’t here anymore. 1079 02:10:04:07 Okay. 1080 02:10:05:17 And I’m sure this has nothing to do with what just happened, but he asked if you could leave your keys.

1081 02:10:12:20 Okay.

1082 02:10:36:20 I should go after her. 1083 02:10:38:06 She probably needs some time alone. But feel free to leave here. 1084 02:10:42:03 I despise you.

1085 02:10:43:13 Likewise.

1086 02:10:46:11 What does the 8 stand for, Nelly Bear 8?

1087 02:10:51:07 What do you think?

1088 02:10:53:00 Don’t you flirt with me if you don’t mean it.

1089 02:10:55:06 Woof.

1090 02:10:56:21 Bears don’t say, “woof.” They say, “grrr.”

1091 02:11:00:07 Email me. 1092 02:11:01:02 Oh, I will. 1093 02:11:06:08 (Music Cue) 1094 02:11:10:18 (Music lyrics) I look and stare so deep in your eyes I touch on you more and more every time When you leave I'm begging you not to go Call your name two or three times in a row 1095 02:11:26:05 Pick up. Linda has me covering all of your classes. Please come back to work. She’ll forgive you. And so will Matt eventually. 1096 02:11:27:18 Such a funny thing for me to try to explain How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame But I still don't understand Just how your love can do what no one else can 1097 02:11:39:22 Good news. Warm-Warm Yoga is so popular that we’ve added two extra classes. Get it together. 1098 02:11:44:20 Got me looking so crazy right now, your love Got me looking so crazy right now Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch Got me looking so crazy right now Got me hoping you'll save me right now, your kiss Got me hoping you'll page me right now 1099 02:12:08:20 Jennifer, it’s your mother… 1100 02:12:08:20 Looking so crazy Love got me looking Looking so crazy in love Crazy right now Crazy right now Got me looking, looking, looking Looking so crazy 1101 02:12:44:00 (Music Ends)

1102 02:12:44:11 This is incredible. It’s the best thing you’ve ever done.

1103 02:12:46:20 It’s just a comic book. 1104 02:12:48:06 Super-Gayby? I think we both know exactly what this is about. 1105 02:12:51:23 I can’t talk about it. Let’s talk about anything else. Please. 1106 02:12:54:14 Anything? Fine. I went to dinner with Tom and his friends last night.

1107 02:12:58:10 Awesome. How is he? 1108 02:13:00:09 Still the same. Boring. He got another promotion at work. Everything comes so easily to him. 1109 02:13:05:16 I know, that always drove me crazy. 1110 02:13:07:09 Well, cause we have actual challenges. But we face them. Like when I quit smoking and got fat and got too depressed to shave, I turned myself into a bear. And you… 1111 02:13:15:17 Okay…is this a pep talk? Cause I can’t.

1112 02:13:19:00 Look. It does not matter whose sperm it was. That baby is yours and Jenn’s. You’re gonna make an amazing father. I know it. Could you just not cop out? 1113 02:13:27:14 How much for the pink thing? 1114 02:13:29:23 That’s a mounted ceramic elephantine bust and not now, I’m sorry I’m conversing with my distressed friend. 1115 02:13:35:03 Bitchy queen. 1116 02:13:36:09 Yup. And you. Can you just be a father to that baby so it doesn’t grow up to be a douche bag like everybody else in this city. All the good people have moved. 1117 02:13:47:19 Do you have anything that will make me not want to stay in bed until I die?

1118 02:13:51:10 I can mix something that will improve your mood. 1119 02:13:53:10 Not the horny goat though. That was a disaster. 1120 02:13:55:21 It really is one of the better energy and mood boosters.

1121 02:13:58:16 I don’t need that kind of energy.

1122 02:14:00:07 Okay, we’ll leave it out. I have a mood mix. It will give you vivid dreams but it’s really effective. But having more energy and a better mood is not gonna solve all your problems. 1123 02:14:10:02 Oh trust me, I know. 1124 02:14:12:15 Hey Scott. It’s Matt. I got your gift… the broken watch. And I get it. I’m cool with taking it slow. As long as slow means that we’re only dating each other and no one else. That’s all. Gimme a call, I hope you’re good. Okay bye.

1125 02:14:41:14 Wait. Today’s Wednesday, right? Did I come in on the wrong day?

1126 02:14:44:19 No. Yeah Today’s Wednesday. 1127 02:14:46:06 Yeah, so I thought this was your day off. 1128 02:14:47:16 It’s okay. I decided to work on Wednesdays now, so I could see all my industry friends who come in on Wednesday.

1129 02:14:54:05 Yeah, I get that. 1130 02:14:55:21 Good, cause I kinda have to ask you to not come in on Wednesdays anymore. If that’s okay. 1131 02:15:01:16 When should I come in?

1132 02:15:03:04 Well, Cosmic Comics is only five blocks away. You could go there. It’s closer to where you live. 1133 02:15:10:03 I hadn’t thought about that. That’s… What’s going on with you today? You’re being so... assertive. 1134 02:15:16:09 Well, while I’m on a roll, I have a favor to ask you. I finished a book. And I think that Kapow is the perfect fit and…

1135 02:15:25:12 Sure. Yes. I don’t know why you haven’t asked me before. Of course. Just send it to me at work. I’ll show it to Larry.

1136 02:15:31:00 Thank you. I appreciate it.

1137 02:15:35:14 I think I’m gonna go now. It’s good to see you. I’m glad you’re doing well. 1138 02:15:51:06 I’m proud of you, Man! 1139 02:15:52:18 Thank you. Did I do okay?

1140 02:15:54:07 Yeah, oh yeah. Victory.

1141 02:15:56:20 Wake up. We have to talk.

1142 02:15:59:11 I can’t.

1143 02:16:00:16 You can get pregnant with a guy or some other guy but you can’t talk to your sister? Get up!

1144 02:16:04:20 Wait. Who told you that?

1145 02:16:06:05 Your gay friend.

1146 02:16:07:13 You talked to Matt? 1147 02:16:08:16 No, the other one.

1148 02:16::09:22 Jamie? 1149 02:16:10:16 Who can keep track of names with all your gay friends? I mean having a girlfriend wouldn’t kill you.

1150 02:16:14:20 Well, who could live up to you? 1151 02:16:16:14 Shut up. Look, my adoption isn’t working out. So, I have a solution. Give me your baby.

1152 02:16:27:07 What?

1153 02:16:29:07 You can barely take care of yourself. How are you going to handle a baby?

1154 02:16:31:17 I do just fine.

1154 02:16:33:07 Do you even have a job anymore after banging your boss’ brother?

1155 02:16:36:21 Jamie told you that too?

1156 02:16:38:07 He told me everything. I bought him lunch. He’s a cheap date. 1157 02:16:40:23 You know, I can get a new job any day. 1158 02:16:43:14 Let’s be real here. I have a husband with a great job. I have a nursery ready. I can do hair if I want, but I don’t need to work. 1159 02:16:54:22 Wait. Are you serious? 1160 02:16:57:21 Yeah, your kid would have a better life with me. 1161 02:16:59:13 Woah. Who the hell do you think you are?

1162 02:17:01:09 A baby needs two parents.

1163 02:17:03:01 This baby has two parents.

1164 02:17:04:08 Almost three. But I meant real parents. 1165 02:17:07:02 When Matt forgives me, he’s going to be an amazing father.

1166 02:17:10:10 He works at a comic book store like a fat person. 1167 02:17:12:08 Since when does parenting have to do with your job, or your money, or your waistline? 1168 02:17:17:03 How much money do you have? Are you planning on getting yours from the trust? I can block it. Uncle Henry always listens to me. You know that. 1169 02:17:25:00 Look I don’t need that money. Okay? I am great at what I do. My latest class is a smash and I can teach it anywhere. 1170 02:17:31:18 And you can raise a baby alone, even if Matt doesn’t forgive you? You really think that’s true?

1171 02:17:35:23 I know that it’s true. I love this baby. I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure it has the best life. 1172 02:17:45:15 Good. Now go take a shower and get yourself together. We have a big day ahead of us.

1173 02:17:51:13 Wait, are you off your meds?

1174 02:17:53:13 Come on Jenn, it’s called tough love. Do you really think I wanted your baby? I don’t need two. Sade is coming next week. I totally fibbed. 1175 02:18:02:14 Really? Oh that’s so fantastic. Wait Sade? It’s not Sadie? 1176 02:18:07:07 Sade is cooler. 1177 02:18:09:06 Yeah. I think... that fight might have been the most amazing thing you’ve ever done for me.

1178 02:18:15:14 I know. I’m fantastic. Now come on. Go get your job and your gay daddy back so we can shop for our babies all weekend.

1179 02:18:42:02 So, you’re not dead.

1180 02:18:42:22 I should kill you for telling my sister, but thanks. 1181 02:18:46:17 You’re welcome.

1182 02:18:48:18 Where’s Valerie?

1183 02:18:49:13 She left to get her PhD.

1184 02:18:51:00 Oh, wow. Is Linda here? 1185 02:18:53:22 She’s in her office. Good luck. 1186 02:19:02:13 Hi, Linda. I’m here. I’m really sorry I slept with your brother. I’ve been trying to get pregnant and I was basically in heat. And we had a kind of an animal moment -- 1187 02:19:12:10 Stop. I don’t wanna hear any more about that. 1188 02:19:15:07 Of course. You know… I’m coming into some money soon. It’s not a lot. But… I was thinking maybe I could buy into the business. So I can have a stake. And maybe a future here. 1189 02:19:30:18 Oh, that’s interesting. I would love to go on vacation.

1190 02:19:35:09 I’m ready to do it. 1191 02:19:37:10 You know, your Warm-Warm Yoga idea has really taken off. Even with the silly name. Why don’t we go to the park tomorrow and get a yogurt and discuss it? 1192 02:19:47:10 Well, that sounds really nice. 1193 02:19:49:11 I always meant to be friendlier. I am jealous of what you and Jamie have. 1194 02:19:56:21 Maybe we could restart our friendship today. 1195 02:20:01:13 Okay. Hey when you go will you take that package out… and give it to Jamie to take to the post office. 1196 02:20:10:22 Yeah, sure. 1197 02:20:12:11 Thanks. 1198 02:20:16:20 Oh, a package. That’s good news. It means you weren’t fired.

1199 02:20:19:23 Actually, it’s for you.

1200 02:20:22:04 Bitch.

1201 02:20:23:00 I’ll take it. I have my moped. 1202 02:20:24:00 Should you even be riding that thing?

1203 02:20:25:15 I’m pregnant. I ride a moped. I teach hot yoga. I rock. 1204 02:20:30:08 Work. Take a day off. And then work. 1205 02:20:34:08 Work. 1206 02:20:35:06 Work. 1207 02:20:36:20 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1208 02:20:51:15 I’m gonna get a coffee. 1209 02:21:01:08 Hi, I’m Neil. 1210 02:21:02:08 Hi. 1211 02:21:02:17 Hi.

1212 02:21:03:00 I’m Jenn.

1213 02:21:10:14 He’s really cute. 1214 02:21:12:02 Well, why don’t you have sex with him too? He’s single.

1215 02:21:18:00 Matt, I’m sorry.

1216 02:21:19:08 I don’t want to hear it. 1217 02:21:20:12 It’s not about that. 1218 02:21:22:18 About what then? 1219 02:21:26:15 I stopped talking to you in college because the very next night after we had sex, you made out with Josh Spitz right in front of me.

1220 02:21:35:16 And you were jealous? 1221 02:21:37:19 You knew that I had the hugest crush on him and you always said you thought he was gross. 1222 02:21:42:07 He was so gay though, Jenn. 1223 02:21:44:10 I have no gaydar. It’s my thing. And it seemed like you were doing it on purpose because you didn’t want me to get any ideas about us. 1224 02:21:54:04 No, not at all. I think I was high on ecstasy. 1225 02:22:00:14 Really? 1226 02:22:01:12 Yeah. I think I was really, really high on ecstasy and I made out with him because he was standing in front of me. 1227 02:22:11:13 Wow. I was really hurt. I thought it was all about me. 1228 02:22:19:22 You often do. 1229 02:22:23:23 Matt, it is gonna be our baby no matter what. 1230 02:22:27:13 Damn right it is. You should have just told me right away… and not on my birthday at my party. 1231 02:22:36:13 I have a new rule, never on a birthday. 1232 02:22:38:04 Never on my birthday. 1233 02:22:41:00 It really was an accident. 1234 02:22:42:21 And I didn’t have sex with anyone for months. I blew up at Scott on my birthday. 1235 02:22:49:02 I’m really sorry. 1236 02:22:50:13 Well, I’ll let you know when I’m ready to accept your apology. 1237 02:23:06:07 Now? 1238 02:23:06:21 No. 1239 02:23:17:02 Now? 1240 02:23:17:10 No! 1241 02:23:36:15 Now? 1242 02:23:37:04 Okay. But only because we have a lot of baby planning to do. 1243 02:23:46:23 Let’s do it again. 1244 02:23:47:17 No, I gotta go pump. 1245 02:23:49:11 Can I help? 1246 02:23:50:18 You’ve done enough already. 1247 02:23:52:05 Can’t you just tell them you’re gonna be a little late? 1248 02:23:53:22 No, it’s Matt’s birthday. 1249 02:23:55:11 Hi. 1250 02:24:01:14 Jenn, Jenn, Jenn, you know no shoes on this floor. I need that milk, and sanitize. 1251 02:24:07:04 Yup. 1252 02:24:07:22 Hey, do we have… 1253 02:24:08:19 Shh. Logan’s trying to sleep. 1254 02:24:14:07 Hey. You look good. What took you so long? 1255 02:24:16:18 Neil’s downstairs. We finally had sex. Like a whole bunch of times.

1256 02:24:20:14 Did you use a condom? 1257 02:24:21:22 What’s a condom? Of course we used a condom. 1258 02:24:24:03 Okay. I know you know this so forgive me, but don’t let him stay up past 8 or 8:15 otherwise he’ll be up all night. 1259 02:24:29:11 I’m his mommy too.

1260 02:24:30:10 I know, sorry.

1261 02:24:32:01 Jeez, he’s like super-daddy. 1262 02:24:33:08 Thank god. Can you imagine if we had to raise a kid by ourselves? 1263 02:24:39:06 I absolutely cannot. 1264 02:24:41:02 Me either. 1265 02:24:43:08 Oh birthday. Birthday. Happy birthday! 1266 02:24:48:17 You framed it! That’s so sweet. 1267 02:24:52:01 Hey, hey, hey. Look, look. 1268 02:24:54:07 Look, look. 1269 02:24:54:08 It’s you. And that’s me. 1270 02:24:56:15 And that’s him. 1271 02:24:58:00 And that’s your mommy. 1272 02:24:58:20 And that’s her! 1273 02:25:00:04 Where should I put it? 1274 02:25:01:12 Just put it right here. 1275 02:25:05:08 Thank you! 1276 02:25:06:06 You’re welcome. 1277 02:25:07:08 So much. 1278 02:25:08:15 Love you. 1279 02:25:09:19 I wish you could come with us tonight but he wants to have the night out alone. He has a surprise for me. 1280 02:25:15:08 I know. I am so excited that he’s going to ask you to marry him. 1281 02:25:21:21 What? 1282 02:25:22:18 You looked like you knew. You didn’t know? 1283 02:25:24:15 No I… 1284 02:25:26:01 I am a compulsive birthday ruiner. 1285 02:25:28:10 No. It’s okay. It’s more than okay. It’s... 1286 02:25:36:18 Okay guys, we gotta go. We have reservations. 1287 02:25:39:08 Yes. 1288 02:25:40:02 Bye little one. I’m gonna miss you.

1289 02:25:43:08 Bye-bye. 1290 02:25:51:05 Wow. You really do look just like your daddy.