Are You Prepared for the Woman of Your Dreams?
Love has influenced wars, music, art, politics, laws, organizations, etc. If you thought approaching and attracting the girl of your dreams was going to be an easy 5 step- style blog, you’re wrong. It’s a journey, and one that’s going to be more about you than her.
I’ve read a lot of surprisingly good information from pickup artists about approaching a girl, but if all you want is a one-night stand, you’re in the wrong place. This is about finding something meaningful, and about living a FULL life, not one of regrets. Any tactic employing an “act” or “game” might temporarily work, but it won’t work in the long run because there is no authenticity. What happens when you finally remove the mask? Neil Strauss, the pickup artist king, admits he did not use the techniques from The Game on his wife.
While pick-up artists have been portrayed as the bad guys, there is another type of guy equally as bad, and maybe worse: it’s the nice guy. As Robert Glover puts it in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, “Nice Guys interpret a woman’s approval as the ultimate validation of their worth.” He has no self-worth and finds his worth in other people. It’s why he’s a people pleaser. Instead of using trickery like the pick-up artist, the passive nice guy believes if he does everything “right,” she will fall in love with him. This type of guy hides behind the nice persona, but in reality he’s self- righteous, and upset when the girl does not like him, claiming, “She only goes for jerks.”
Whether you employ the ideas of the pick-up artist or the overly nice sensitive guy, you’re doing the exact same thing: you’re putting on an act. However, if you’ve had it with all of the meaninglessness, and you’re ready to search and discover your authentic self, welcome to the journey. Your development is contingent on you being a whole man: in mind, body and soul. It’s not about being Einstein, Arnold, or a religious zealot. Rather, it’s about being a balanced man, and if you are seeking a healthy relationship, you will also seek out a balanced woman.
Start with Yourself
As I said upfront, there is some surprisingly good information from pickup artists. I’m not referring to talking in a lower voice, using pickup lines, or simulating her breathing (really?). Techniques like this are an act, and some of them might work on a woman with low self-worth, but try this on a girl with standards and you’ll be shot down.
Some of the valuable lessons I got from Rules of the Game are taking a social assessment of yourself and correcting “self-sabotaging” beliefs. Especially if you are a nice guy, there are “limiting beliefs” you have about yourself preventing you from having success with women. They are self-fulfilling prophecies you declare over yourself. If you believe she’s going to ignore you or reject you, she probably will. If you believe you aren’t good enough, you probably are going to come across as timid.
Women are attracted to confidence, which is why so many nice guys believe girls like jerks because most women do prefer the bad guy acting confident to the nice guy acting sensitive. Authentic confidence is unbeatable. It’s not like comparing a real dollar to a counterfeit dollar. You don’t even have to put the authentic man next to the Jersey Shore kind of guy. The differences are blaringly obvious. The macho act looks desperately fake.
There are a few ways to obtain true confidence. The first way being the easiest and most rare:
1. Confidence Through Your Father: It’s the more rare one anymore because many dads are no longer present physically or emotionally in the home, and even if they are, many no longer have true confidence to pass down.
2. Confidence Through Self-help: Confidence can be developed through balance with the mind, body, and soul.
Mind In 1937, Napoleon Hill wrote Think and Grow Rich. One of the techniques he describes for success was the Invisible Counselors Visualization where you imagine yourself before a group of counselors of your choosing. The people at your table could be from any time in history. Napoleon’s purpose was “to rebuild my own character so it would represent a composite of the characters of my imaginary counselors.” He would then ask these counselors for advice. Imaginary or real, your mind is influenced by the company you keep. Just like “iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another,” your friends will affect your mindset, so choose them carefully.
Another self-help technique is declaring daily affirmations over your self. It may seem cheesy, and Saturday Night Live mocked the technique with the Stuart Smalley character in the 90s, but the reality is, you are constantly speaking word over you, most of them not good (ex. You are so awkward. Why are you such a mess? I’m never going to get a girl to like me). Bottom line is, change your thinking patterns, and you will change your life. Identify the negative words and thought patterns, and begin reversing them (You are a social pro. I’m really organized. Every girl would want a guy like me).
Being strong in the mind means clearing out any obstacles that are keeping you from your goals. For some, it might mean counseling; for others, it might be finding good mentors; or a mix of several things. A lot of guys believe they just need to find the woman of their dreams to solve their problems, but start with you before bringing someone else onboard.
Body How you treat your body affects your mind. Lack of sleep can cause anxiety, so you should be concerned how you treat your body. It affects every area of your life. Exercising not only helps in preventing disease, but it also has a significant effect on mental health. Have you ever seen a guy with a six-pack unhappy at the beach? Bottom line: building your body builds confidence.
Soul Let’s put religious institutions aside for a moment. More than being a truth seeker, a good guy is a relationship seeker. A soul is the gateway to relationship and connection. Don’t buy the lie you have to do everything on your own or you won’t be accepted. Go to a self- help group. Take a chance and be transparent. This will only help break down the act that has been preventing you from getting the girl you want. Spend some time alone. Wake up early, pray, and take some time to reflect before heading to class or work. If it worked for Benjamin Franklin, it will work for you. A lot of nice guys are afraid to spend time alone, but break your first fear barrier by taking a trip to the mountains and camping alone.
A Balanced Man will recognize a Balanced Woman
Once you have a mind, body, soul balance, you will no longer be fooled into thinking a girl is “the one” solely based on her attractiveness. How can you know she’s “the one” if you haven’t spent any time with her? When you have developed a sense of wholeness within, you will seek a woman with wholeness. You will have standards because you are looking for longevity in the relationship. You will begin looking for qualities important for a future wife. One of the articles on the site you may have read is “The Wife List: 10 Qualities.” What kind of character qualities do you want in a wife?
Develop an action plan for yourself (have a written plan and a visual one. Check out “Uncrafty Guys Guide to Making a Vision Board” for more information) and consider the type of girl you ultimately want to be with. Write down your own list of qualities you want for a successful relationship. Steer clear of physical characteristics, and focus on the long-term qualities that are more important.
Practice makes perfect
A lot of advice on approaching women says to be bold, walk right up, and don’t think about it. It’s good advice if you are already accomplished as a social connecter. When I first met Kristen, she had no clue I was interested in her, which is good because that lowered her defenses. She saw me being friendly to everyone, and that’s key. I’m in sales, and over the years I’ve lessened my fear of rejection through being rejected over and over again.
If you are shy in a social setting, it’s going to be really tough to walk up and start a conversation with the girl you’ve always wanted to meet. So, practice being rejected over and over by making conversation with strangers. Ask a guy at the gym for a spot and then introduce yourself, talk to a stranger in line behind you at the grocery store, attend a meeting alone and make an effort to introduce yourself to at least three people. Make a habit of going outside your comfort zone. Rather than being rejected as you expected, you may be surprised to find there are a lot of lonely people out there looking to talk to someone. The more you do it, the more comfortable you will become, and when you finally get the opportune time to go up and talk to her, it will come naturally. She will see you talking to everyone else, and will be honored by the fact you chose to talk to her.
Be your authentic self
Don’t try too hard. When you are yourself, she will feel comfortable being herself. If you are putting on an act, she will put on an act…and will want to run. When you operate from your true identity and have a healthy sense of wholeness, you won’t need to seek her approval through bragging: telling her what you do, what kind of car you drive, who you know, etc. If she does care about this stuff, then you’ll be confident in the fact she’s probably not for you.
Some pickup artists use openers, but are they necessary? Work on being a conversationalist, and she will listen. There are two keys to being a good conversationalist: open-ended questions and listening. The more you get her to talk, the better off your chances will be. One technique to get her to open up and talk is to ask open-ended questions that start with what, why, or how. By asking open-ended questions, you’ll avoid getting a one word response or yes/no responses.
What are you passionate about? Use it to your advantage. I know a guy you might think is a nerd, but he’s super passionate about Myers-Brigg personality types. I’ve seen him rope some of the most beautiful women into conversation just by sharing his insights into the personality types. After a few minutes of talking to her, he will tell her what personality type he thinks she is, and he’s usually right. They love it.
Be genuinely interested in her as a person
Put aside your attraction for a moment. Since most beautiful girls usually hang in groups, be sure to equally focus on her friends. When I met Kristen, she was with her friend Alicia. I probably spent more time listening to Alicia, who was talking Kristen up, and telling me Kristen was Miss USA. Kristen could tell I was slightly more interested in her, but it’s very important all hands are on deck when you’re trying to approach a girl. Win her friends over, and you have a much better chance of winning her over.
I could tell these girls were genuinely interested in pageants, and since I didn’t know anything about them, I started asking questions because I was curious and wanted to know more. Your goal should be to find what makes her tick. What is she passionate about? Once you discover her interests, then ask questions because you really care. If you don’t care, don’t put on an act. Maybe she’s just not the one?
These are just some of the basics that brought me to a place of solidarity, and gave me the courage and resoluteness to approach Kristen for the first time. Over the next few months I will be working on an autobiographical piece I’ll be sharing on the site. Maybe you’re reading this because you’re stuck in a rut? Make the change to make a difference. The investment you make in yourself will have a direct correlation on the amazing type of woman you will attract. Start with yourself and leave no stone unturned.