Erotic Logic

JOE KORT, PhD, LMSW

5/28/11 1 Psychotherapist, Author, Teacher, Clinical Sexologist

¡ Individual, Groups and Couples, Workshops ¡ Certified IMAGO Relationship Therapy ¡ Doctor of Clinical ¡ Certified Sex Addiction Therapist ¡

Includes chapter on Straight Guise: Is My Partner Gay? By Joe Kort, LMSW My Intention:

¡ Understanding the hidden meaning of their sexual fantasies to know what direction to head in therapy ¡ Helping partners of these men have compassion and understanding as to why this fantasy and/or interest in a sexual behavior exists ¡ Positive intent rather than pathology

5/28/11 3 My own professional Journey

¡ Sexual fantasies are not separate, but a result of your psychological makeup—a part of you, an extension of your psyche.

l and Trauma l & Compulsivity l Sex Therapy

¡ Paraphilias, Fetishes,

5/28/11 4 SHRIMPING

¡ For over a year, I had been treating a heterosexual single client named Joyce. During a session following a romantic trip Joyce had taken with a new boyfriend, she reported that the vacation had gone well and that they had a great time sexually and romantically. ¡ “And I also learned about shrimping,” Joyce said excitedly. ¡ “Did you like it?” I asked. ¡ “Not at first,” she said, scrunching her nose. “But I got used to it—especially the smell—and I had fun with it.” ¡ “What about the taste? I asked. ¡ “It was delicious!” she exclaimed. ¡ “Delicious? I’ve never heard someone use that adjective after they try it initially,” I replied. ¡ “I’ll try anything once,” she said happily, licking her lips. “It was hard to get used to using the net while doing it!”

5/28/11 5 Trauma-Based Dynamics

¡ Trauma repetition is a maladaptive attempt to reconcile the traumatic experience, find reason and meaning in what happened, (even if that means reliving it) which is a huge part of trauma resolution. ¡ Trauma reenactment ¡ Trauma processing ¡ Early sexualization ¡ Sexual abuse Trauma-Based Dynamics Too Scared to Cry by Lenore Terr

¡ Worked with children in Chowchilla

Sexual fantasies from trauma attempt to do the same. Re-enactment and repetitions

¡ Dissociation occurs

¡ Numbing out, amnesia, rearranging the events as a means of surviving trauma and/or neglect.

5/28/11 8 Paraphilias

¡ There are nine subtypes of Paraphilia according to the DSM IV including exhibitionism, fetishism, frotteurism, pedophilia, sexual masochism, sexual sadism, transvestic fetishism, voyeurism and Paraphilia not otherwise specified (American Psychiatric Association 1994). ¡ Paraphilias, can be repetitive, compulsory and ritualized at times can occupy a lot of time—sometimes hours—involving sexual urges, behaviors and fantasies

5/28/11 9 Paraphilias

¡ It is estimated that more males than females experience Paraphiliac interests on a ratio from 20:1 (American Psychiatric Association 1994). l Gijs, Luk. "Paraphilia and Paraphilia-Related Disorders: An Introduction." In Handbook of Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders, by Luca Incrocci David L. Rowland, 491-528. New Jersey: John Wiley and Sons, 2008.

5/28/11 10 Influences of my work from normative, non-pathological

¡ John Money “Love Maps” l Coined term about why people like what they enjoy sexually and erotically. ¡ Michael Bader, Arousal, Male Sexuality” ¡ Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity ¡ Jack Morin, Erotic Mind ¡ Brett Kahr, Who’s Been Sleeping In Your Head

5/28/11 11 Stages of Love

¡ Call of the Wild l Romantic Love

¡ Call of the Wild l Power Struggle

¡ Call of the Mild l Real Love Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

¡ “Tell me how you were loved as a child and I will tell you how you make love as an adult.” AROUSAL: Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Michael Bader

¡ Your sexual fantasies are a result of your psychological makeup. ¡ Sexual fantasies, however mundane or bizarre, are attempts compensate for the guilt and fear or worry each of us carries over from childhood. Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment

¡ He invites people to explore their peak sexual experiences, favorite masturbation fantasies, and the pornography they choose to read and watch.

5/28/11 15 External Validation

¡ Unmet developmental needs for mirroring ¡ Dependence on external validation ¡ Narcissism ¡ Approval seeking Monetary

¡ sex worker: ¡ stripper in gay club ¡ porn actor in gay movies ¡ prostitution - escort, hustler ¡ erotic massage ¡ Financial Domination

Cybersex

¡ The late Al Cooper, one of the leading researchers of the Internet, wrote that its “‘Triple A Engine’ of Access, Affordability, and Anonymity”

5/28/11 18 Arousal Template

¡ Our minds unconsciously infer that if everyone is aroused in the sexual fantasy and act, then no one is really sad or hurt.

¡ Everyone is having a good time.

5/28/11 19 Arousal Template

¡ Anything can become eroticized ¡ Eroticized Rage l Examples: 1. Putting naked pictures of wife on internet 2. Cheating on spouse—especially with people she knows 3. Having cybersex while she is in room with you 4. Showing spouse on webcam without her knowing

5/28/11 20 MASOCHIST

¡ Empowering others to hurt them or degrade them they are reassured that they are not the ones doing the hurting or degrading.

5/28/11 21 Some questions to ask??? Joe Kort Handout Copyright, 2009

¡ In your peak erotic fantasies and scenarios: 1. Do you pursue or prefer being pursued? 2. Do you please them and/or do they please you? 3. Does it matter what they are thinking? 4. What do you hope they are thinking and wanting? 5. Does the type of person matter or just the scene and/or body types/parts? 6. Does the “other” in the fantasy care that you are getting pleasure or no? 7. Do you care if they are enjoying it or not?

The answers leave a trail, a blueprint, into the client’s past either in childhood or past sexual experiences. 5/28/11 Your job is to help them make the connections. 22

Treatment

¡ The treatment is finding the non- erotic themes and meanings from the details of the sexual desires, fantasies and behaviors and help the client step into the positives intention of the erotic code. ¡ It doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t enjoy the fantasy any longer but the compulsivity is likely to fall away. 5/28/11 23 Joe Kort, PhD, LMSW

¡ WEB: www.JoeKort.com ¡ EMAIL:

[email protected]

¡248-399-7317

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