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Aspects: an Investigation Into Life Writing

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Aspects: an Investigation Into Life Writing Aspects: An Investigation into Life Writing By John Ballard Pecora A thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements ofthe University Honors Program University of South Florida, St. Petersburg 11 December 2014 Thesis Director: Thomas Hallock, Ph.D. Associate Professor ofEnglish and Chair, Department ofVerbal and Visual Arts 1 U niversity Honors Program University of South Florida St. Petersburg, Florida CERTIFICATE OF APPROVAL Honors Thesis This is to certify that the Honors Thesis of John Ballard Pecora has been approved by the Examining Committee on 12 December, 2014 as satisfying the thesis requirement of the University Honors Program Examining Committee: Thesis Director: Thomas Hallock, Ph.D. Associate Professor of English and Chair, Department ofVerbal and Visual Arts l Thesis Co / Thesis Committee Member: Louis Simon, Ph.D. Visiting Assistant Professor, Department ofVerbal and Visual Arts 2 Part 1: INTRODUCTION 3 When I began this project, my idea was to write roughly ten or so stand-alone autobiographical essays. The motivation came from the struggles that have come to represent milestones in the history of my life, and, in most cases, the absurdity that colors hindsight. I conceived this notion out of the desire to explore creative non-fiction, while also unpacking the baggage I have gathered and, for the most part, dragged around for the last fifty years. While not an easy project, I had all the material in my mind-I had only to get it to paper and sweat the revisions. This, I soon learned, was wishful thinking. While I have always been aware of my perception as the malleable soul of my consciousness, I had never questioned the accuracy of my perception when recalling my past. However, during the course of this project, I have come to understand that the perception of our experiences is in a constant state of alteration as we grow, experience, and change. That is, I am what I think, at any given moment. Therefore, what I express at any given moment is from the vantage point of who I perceive myself to be at that particular moment. What began as a project I thought would be an entertaining and enjoyable experience became a serious, introspective journey into some of the rougher passages of a life that, at times, seemed to be living itself. The vantage point from which I speak to you know is one still grey with ash, but no longer buried under it. Since the 2010 car wreck that ended my career and sent me into abject poverty, I have struggled to rebuild a new life. I entered academia via the traditional collegiate path, and soon realized it was a lifestyle utterly alien to me-with deadlines and grades, punishments and rewards. Interestingly, how I perceive those punishments and rewards is but a matter of perception: the rewards, in many cases, blew right by me, while the punishments have originated in my head, where they seem to remain, to my occasional agony, until I am ready to perceive otherwise. 4 Here, then, are brief aspects of the story of my life; and the purpose for me, of reading and writing memoir in these current moments: the feelings of alienation, deprivation of self­ worth, confounding confusion, discovery and revelation, and possible healing, or, at least, healthy self-knowledge through enhanced perception. Early in the project, I was encouraged to read various memoirs by literary figures to gain an insight into the genre through familiarity and analysis. I covered the major contributors of Western Civilization, including Augustine, Montaigne, and Rousseau. Meanwhile, I also read twentieth-century American-and not so American-authors including Joan Didion, James Baldwin, Jim Carrol, Vladimir Nabokov, Kurt Vonnegut, and Abraham Verghese. From the "classics," I began to formulate a historiography of life writing. As a genre, life writing is only fairly recently acknowledged as a legitimate discipline, its theory and criticism gathering steam in the 1990s, and on into the twenty-first century (Smith). Where there is theory, there is criticism, and where there is criticism, there is acknowledgement. Life writing criticism and theory was new(s) to me-and I felt that it was an important exploration that would inform the growing stacks of memoirs littering my workspace. Furthermore, I must admit that the investigation into life writing criticism and theory also informed my own life writing efforts. However, this exploration eventually created a dilemma in that it is an entirely separate endeavor than that which I initially set out to investigate-the scope of life writing criticism and theory research could have easily become the sole focus of an excellent thesis in its own right. Meanwhile, I continued to study memoirs, using the insights garnered from the various critics and theorists to accentuate my analyses; although I eventually resisted the seductive quagmire of juxtaposing various theoretical schools or ideologies with the fruits of the memoirists-but not before scrapping fifteen or so pages in that direction. I came to this decision 5 once I realized that the pool for this line of inquiry is bottomless, and that I had become mesmerized to distraction from my principle project. This realization came only recently, as my initial analysis did indeed bog down under the weight of formal criticism and theory. Reading over the pages, I realized I had gone off course-I had to start over. Subsequently, I returned to my notes, and reinvigorated my acquaintance with the genre through the specific authors of each text. That in itself informed me that there is more afoot here than the mere spilling of dates and facts and people and places. As I read through each memoir, I was struck by the skill in which each author was able to translate their own personalities, their own identities, onto the page by describing something as trivial as walk down a lane, or the effort-or lack thereof-of a chore. In her poignant memoir, The Year ofMagical Thinking, Joan Didion was able to impart the lost writer she became in the year immediately following her husband's sudden death from a massive heart attack While she writes her memoir from the hub of her husband's death, Didion developed a functional mnemonic device in her effort to recall events in that year by attaching her perception of reality to certain facts: she describes an event as she perceives its past reality for her, then follows it with discovered facts surrounding the particular event- whether it is a moment, an hour, a day. She begins many sentences with "I remember that. .. ", "What I remember ... ", and "I had not remembered that ... " In most cases, she juxtaposes the soupy confidence in her ability to recall with the cold, hard evidence of fact. She depends on attainable evidence to prove to herself that her husband's death did occur, and that her memories are valid if they can be attached to material objects, specific dates, or places where other people­ witnesses-where also in attendance. This is interesting in that a memoir is creative non-fiction 6 at best. However, as a writer she is using her art, or craft, as a tool for retrospection as much as for personal healing, and ultimately, growth. Conversely, one of my previous motives for the memoir as my senior thesis was to explore, through writing, my own "story" as I may artistically express it. Meanwhile, after writing a few preliminary essays, I realize that I had no structural plan, nor did I consider the consequences, of not perils, of memory recall. I believed that I was laying down truthful events as they unfolded, but have come to understand that my recollections are merely my floating perception of events and behaviors, among an endless number of other factors, mined from a past by a person of the future. In his memoir, Speak Memory, Vladimir Nabokov taps his awareness of the limitations of mnemonic recall, and devises the use of perusing childhood memories to get the process going. In almost all of the chapters in Speak, Memory, he begins with something significant from his youth. He also seems to rely on his sensory perception as a mnemonic device. For instance, the smell of the inside of a particular building may remind someone of a place from an earlier time- perhaps a school, or a church- and set off memories and emotions of events of the earlier period. Nabokov's use of his childhood memories combined with the sensory memories seems to have been a viable formula for his memoir-it ran roughly 315 pages! Both Didion's Magical Thinking and Nabokov's Speak Memory influenced my creative process by their examples. In searching for an underlying motive to proceed with the memoir aspect of this life writing thesis, I was inspired by Didion's effort to perhaps identify certain trauma and plumb its depths in an effort to let it slip back into the past. Conversely, Nabokov invokes his past to inform the present. 7 Accordingly, Nabokov begins in the "Foreword'' by laying out the chronological outline of the text in the very first paragraph: "The present work is a systematically correlated assemblage of personal recollections ranging geographically from St. Petersburg to St. Nazaire, and covering thirty-seven years, from August 1903 to May 1940, with only a few sallies into later space-time" (Nabokov 9). Nabokov recycles various essays published independently in various publications, with at least one written in French and others in Russian and English (all, obviously, published in this text in English) (Nabokov). In this, Nabokov has competently assembled these stand-alone autobiographical essays into a flowing memoir narrative.
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