I'm GONNA TAKE YOU to a GAY BAR East Stand Martin's
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I’M GONNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR East Stand Martin’s 2005 Annual I’M GONNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR CONTENTS Wolves 4 West Ham 2, 15.1.05............................................................................ 5 West Ham 1 Derby County 2, 23.1.05 ..................................................................10 West Ham 1 Sheffield United 1, 29.1.05 ...............................................................14 West Ham 1 Cardiff 0, 7.2.05.............................................................................18 Sheffield United 1 West Ham 1, 13.2.05 ...............................................................22 West Ham 5 Plymouth Argyle 0, 20.2.05...............................................................27 West Ham 1 Preston North End 2, 5.3.05 ..............................................................32 Reading 3 West Ham 1, 12.3.05..........................................................................37 West Ham 1 Crewe Alexandra 1, 15.3.05..............................................................43 West Ham 2 Leicester 2, 18.3.05........................................................................48 Wigan 1 West Ham 2, 2.4.05..............................................................................54 Burnley 0 West Ham 1, 5.4.05 ...........................................................................59 West Ham 3 Coventry 0, 9.4.05..........................................................................63 West Ham 1 Millwall 1, 16.4.05 ..........................................................................68 Stoke 0 West Ham 1, 19.4.05.............................................................................72 Watford 1 West Ham 2, 8.5.05 ...........................................................................77 West Ham 2 Ipswich Town 2, 14.5.05 ..................................................................83 Ipswich Town 0 West Ham 2, 18.5.05 ..................................................................90 Preston North End 0 West Ham 1, 30.5.05 ............................................................95 West Ham 3 Blackburn 1, 13.8.05 ..................................................................... 102 Newcastle 0 West Ham 0, 20.8.05..................................................................... 109 West Ham 1 Bolton Wanderers 2, 27.8.05 ........................................................... 115 West Ham 0 Arsenal 0, 24.9.05 ........................................................................ 121 Manchester City 2 West Ham 1, 16.10.05............................................................ 126 Liverpool 2 West Ham 0, 31.10.05 .................................................................... 131 West Ham 1 West Bromwich Albion 0, 5.11.05 ..................................................... 137 T*ttenham 1 West Ham 1, 20.11.05 .................................................................. 142 West Ham 1 Manchester United 2, 27.11.05 ........................................................ 148 Blackburn Rovers 3 West Ham 2, 10.12.05 .......................................................... 155 West Ham 2 Newcastle 4, 17.12.05 ................................................................... 162 EAST STAND MARTIN’S 2005 ANNUAL 2 I’M GONNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR INTRODUCTION A strange name, you might say, for a collection of match reports during covering West Ham’s deliverance from the Championship and the early part of the team’s 2005/06 campaign to retain Premiership status. All will become clear when you read the match report of the Championship Playoff Final in Cardiff. This is the second annual compendium of the match day writings of Martin Hughes, or East Stand Martin (ESM) as he is known on the independent West Ham fans’ website, KUMB.com Born in Enfield, North London (which he accurately describes as “the heart of T*ttscum territory”), Martin’s mum had the good sense to buy him a West Ham shirt when he was seven years old because she “liked the colours”. Since that time, he has been a loyal follower of the claret and blue, despite various scraps during his school years and long-running attempts by his old man to convert him to the dreaded Sp*ds. It fills him with utter shame to admit it, but ESM’s dad is a season ticket holder at Sh*te Hart Lane, a fact that can never be repeated in polite company. Although he made regular visits to Upton Park and also followed the Hammers away from time to time, it was only ESM Jnr’s (Jack Hughes) sixth birthday in 1998 which created the perfect pretext for the purchase of two season tickets. The divorce from the missus also helped as well as she was about as impressed with football as ESM was about the sale of Jermain Defoe to T*ttenham. Rejecting the crass and vulgar modernity of the new stands, Martin made straight for the East Stand where he felt quite at home with the dilapidation and the retro feel. The squalid facilities there are what football should be about. The thought of the stand being redeveloped fills him with horror and ESM is grateful for the ongoing prudent management of the club by Chairman Terry Brown which prevents the demolition of his spiritual home. In fact, ESM reckons that just about the only endearing feature of Old Man Brown is that he can’t raise the dosh to knock down the East Stand. EAST STAND MARTIN’S 2005 ANNUAL 3 I’M GONNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR In here you will find 30 match reports (with a few new introductory comments thrown in) covering the lows of the away game against Reading in March to highs of nicking a point from the Sp*ds at Sh*te Hart Lane in November – now that was better than sex. It’s been a roller coaster year, when many an Iron almost gave up hope, but let’s face it you have to expect that if you are a West Ham supporter. Acknowledgements Thanks to all the people at KUMB who provide a consistently excellent service to Irons worldwide; Jack Hughes (ESM Jnr) for his increasingly insightful views on the beautiful game – one day you will be able to fill the old man’s shoes; John Fedrick (Oxford Fred) for his high quality one-liners and his appreciation of Welsh gay watering holes; and Ian Baker (Wycombe Wicks) for his match report which followed from his quest to visit all English Premiership and Football League grounds. Last but not least, let’s all say this. Alan Pardew, you are a f*cking diamond geezer. I’m sorry I ever doubted you. You took us out of the darkness into the light. You took a lot of sh*te, yet never gave up the fight. I’m a poet and and didn’t even know it. Respect, my man, maximum respect. You can contact ESM through KUMB. Don’t bother if you’re one of those Lillysh*te c*nts. © Martin Hughes, 2005 EAST STAND MARTIN’S 2005 ANNUAL 4 I’M GONNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR Wolves 4 West Ham 2, 15.1.05 Although many people don’t get it, cricket is a fantastic game and following England on tour has got to be one of the best trips known to man. However, two weeks of booze, sun and stress-free antics in South Africa got nicely obliterated by a trip up to the Black Country in the p*ssing rain. It was not a promising start to 2005 – 11 points off the playoff spots... I’ve been trying to break the habit. I know it’s ruining my health. I’ve tried hypnosis. I even went to South Africa to try and escape from it. But my willpower failed at the first opportunity and I ended up at Molineux. There is another West Ham fan with a similar problem to me. I heard him on the radio on the way back as he confided in Dr Alvin Martin live on Talksport. “I spend £2,000 a year on season tickets. This is the worst West Ham team in living memory. What can you say to me Alvin”, he pleaded, “that will make me want to renew next year?” Alvin was sympathetic, “Alan knows that this season is make and break and if he doesn’t make it, I think you might have a point about whether you want to shell out that money next season.” Some hope. That bloke’s got it as bad as the rest of us and unfortunately that is exactly why Mr Brown is still where he is today. Not only is the team doing our brains in but we get Brown free as well. Bare bones If Harry was still running the team, I have no doubt that prior to today’s match he would have said that “We are down to the bare bones”. No Teddy, Matty, Reo-Coker or Fletch. But this was a Wolves team without a win under the nasally whining God worrier. A team that was struggling to score goals. Surely we had a good chance? In came Mark Noble and Mullins in midfield alongside Sergei and Chadders. Jimmy Walker was also preferred in goal, which seemed to please the Wolves fans, no doubt believing that anyone who used to play for local rivals Walsall just had to be crap. EAST STAND MARTIN’S 2005 ANNUAL 5 I’M GONNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR It seemed to start OK for us, with Chadders in particular looking lively. He latched onto a loose ball as early as the second minute, but his shot was very poor. Wolves began to respond, and on 10 minutes they picked up the ball down the right, but Olofijana – now there’s a name you can’t pronounce with a mouth full of crisps – scooped the ball over the bar from a promising central position. On 14 minutes, Marlon began to get involved and he went on a powerful bustling run down the right. Unfortunately his cross was less than perfect and it went sailing over the head of the waiting Z-man. Marlon was involved again a minute later when Malky managed to chest a Sergei free kick towards him, but his shot was skewed badly wide. He’s a Seoul man On 19 minutes, South Korean International Seol Ki-Hyeon went on a teasing run down the right that seemed to mystify Chris Powell. Fortunately, the Korean was forced wide and Walker coped comfortably with his shot from an acute angle. A minute later Sergei had a nice turn just on the edge of the box and tried to lift a shot over Wolves ‘keeper Matt Murray, but he grabbed the ball easily.