UPCOMING CAMPUS EVENTS Stupid humor in “Vampires Suck” forces sincere laughter Three, not to be missed, events coming up on campus. FEEDBACK BAR provement. gays and lesbians and top it off with a ref- The movie takes a stab at erence to Lady Gaga and there goes your If there was a the recent vampire phenom- successful box office movie recipe. Performing Arts Series enon, blending the plots of Plus, it seems like a person getting hit $5 student ticket sales. subculture based on “Twilight” and “New Moon” with a glass bottle, vase, car door, fist or When: All Semester Long When student Tony Cintrony donned your interests and with a handful of lame pop- a wall is the right way to entertain masses Where: Carlsen Center his superhero costume, he did not go culture references into one over and over again. The audience was Why You Need to Be There: To cel- trick-or-treating; he transformed into personality, th 80-minute-long movie. bursting with laughter every time. ebrate the 20 anniversary of the Batman. what would it “Vampires Suck” religious- The movie definitely exhausts all the Performing Art Series, the Carlsen Cintrony lists his reasons for dress- ly recreates and then “hu- obvious vampire jokes, therefore it is no Center is offering $5 tickets to ing as Batman to promote his new radio be called? morously” alters the original surprise when Buffy suddenly makes her students who purchase them the show. “Disco Sleaze. It’d be... week of a performance. Upcoming scenes, dialogue and charac- appearance, or that when it comes to fin- 1. “I love the idea of fighting crime.” attractions include Takács Quartet messy and pretty hazy.” ters. If that is what the word ger food, actual fingers are served. 2. “Batman is a badass. He’s better than and American Voices on Sept. 6th “parody” means these days, The creators of this movie play a simple Chuck Norris, you know?” -Michael Klassen the word “satire” can take a game with their audience called hit or 3. “Bats are perhaps my second favorite very long vacation. miss; and many of the jokes truly miss, Campus Kick-Off animal so it would just stand to reason.” “I would probably say ‘Black But only because the no- but for every three references that leave 4. “I have so many good karate skills, Free Drama’. Drama because I tion out there in the crit- the theater silent, there comes one which that I feel like Batman really embodies ics’ world is that “Vampires bites the original “Twilight” series right to When: September 1st my crime fighting ability.” was a theater kid, and now Suck” indeed sucks, I am not the vein. Where: campus grounds When Cintrony takes a break from be- I’m not anymore. And then, going to cry about it either. One of the major positives was the per- Why You Need to Be There: It’s a ing Batman, he enjoys wearing all things black because... I have my It is not what can pass for a formance of newcomer Jenn Proske, who great time to meet other students Urban Outfitters. Sunglasses, suspenders dark moments.” good movie. Yes, the humor imitates Bella’s character with scientific and staff members while learning and “old man pants” are his absolute fa- is often very immature and perfection. From her lip biting and face about student clubs and organiza- vorites. -Adria Rook stupid. Yes, the pop culture twitching to her gasps of angst mixed with tions. Plus: live music, free food, A friendly reminder from your neigh- references are super forced lust, her grasp of the mimicked character and more! borhood Batman: “Squid Dance Party.” -Guido and obvious. Yes, many is immaculate. “I want the student body to know that, Antinucci parts are just plain disgust- It does not matter whether the specta- day and night, I will be protecting the ing, but despite all the flaws, tor is a rock chalk “Twilight” fan or one Friday Movie Screenings Tony Cintrony (Batman) teaches Joey Thompson how to protect campus. Photo by Lily campus with style.” Compiled by TJ Hafer you might be surprised to who completely despises the saga. For Free - noon Sisay. Compiled by Elisabeth Bronaugh image courtesy of www.imbd.com find yourself in a seizure of those who come to see this movie with an $.50 w/ID, $1.00 w/o - evenings By Ondrej Pazdirek shameless laughter, even af- open mind, without their parents, and do When: August 27th (Robin Hood), Sep- ter you realize that you are better than not expect anything close to intelligent, tember 3rd (Prince of Persia) and Minor laws irritating, not helpful If you expect less than nothing, you will this and should not be howling at a joke “Vampires Suck” can turn into an enjoy- 10th (Iron Man II) get more than… nothing, I guess. like that. able experience. Where:Craig Auditorium By Elisabeth Bronaugh From the playwriting/directing duo Ja- I mean, who does not like to laugh at Why You Need to Be There: Catch “Virtually all reasonable laws are obeyed, not because son Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer comes one of those people in a wheelchair get- Contact Ondrej Pazdirek, editor-in- three of the hottest action movies of they are the law, but because reasonable people would yet another of those unimaginative movie ting hurt or the little Asian boy passing as chief, at [email protected]. the summer while munching on free do that anyway. If you obey a law simply because it is the spoofs (“Epic Movie”, “Disaster Movie”, a vehicle for Chinese food jokes? Throw in popcorn. law, that’s a pretty likely sign that it shouldn’t be a law.” “Meet the Spartans”, etc.) – “Vampires a couple more fart jokes, a lot of obsceni- -Anonymous Suck”, and this one is a categorical im- ties, something insensitively funny about The first week of school, I flew around the main campus road. Although highly alert of my surroundings, I blew through one of the stop signs by the Nerman Art Museum, treating it more like a timid yield sign. Only a moment “Starcraft” sequel conquers gamers’ summer later , the flash of lights and sound of loud sirens, forced me to pull over. Even so, it is not hard to understand of the original while showing improve- maniac or just a fan of great science fic- As the officer approached my vehicle, he shined his why the long-awaited sequel to Blizzard ment in just about every way possible. tion storytelling, “Starcraft II” is well bright flashlight into my car and said, “You know why I Entertainment’s 1998 real-time strategy A well-crafted story with complex, worth the 60 dollar price tag, and is easily pulled you over, don’t you?” classic was the most anticipated game of believable characters, top-notch voice a front-runner for best game of 2010. I began nodding, but I thought, wait a minute, why did the summer, and has already shattered acting, and exceptional stylized art that he pull me over? Why do I automatically assume guilt video game sales records for 2010. looks great without falling into the uncan- Contact T.J. Hafer, A&E editor, when I see flashing lights? Like its predecessor, “Starcraft II” is set ny valley allows the game to stand out far at [email protected]. The officer informed me that I had run a stop sign and in a far-off sector of space in the distant above other offerings in the same genre. that it was incredibly dangerous. future where the Terrans, space-faring New additions to the campaign in- With the new Campus Police policy, an unpaid ticket descendants of good old, earth-born hu- clude several 3-D animated “sets” ($120 for running a stop sign) could result in a warrant for mans, battle it out against two very differ- that the player can access between arrest, instead of just an academic hold. ent alien races. missions. Each one represents a dif- I was fortunate not to get a ticket; still, minor traffic laws All three armies are playable in online, ferent section of the Hyperion, the like this create more problems than they solve. I sometimes wonder how much of my army-versus-army multiplayer that is starship owned by the campaign’s pro- life I have wasted on stop signs.In many locations, yield signs would be just as effec- renowned for being extremely well-bal- tagonist, Jim Raynor. tive and more efficient. Coming to a complete stop when no one is approaching an anced despite the asymmetrical factions. Raynor is a hard-drinking, space intersection is foolish. I found that this game’s reputation for cowboy rebel that draws inspira- Pondering the necessity of stop signs made me realize how many other laws are multiplayer perfection is well-deserved. tion from the likes of Han Solo and unnecessary. It seems strange that when I am not wearing a seat belt my biggest Each race offers a vastly different play lead character of Joss Whedon’s concern is getting a ticket. If I were to get involved in an injury accident and was not style from the next, yet none of them “Firefly”, Malcolm Reynolds. wearing my seat belt, the only person hurt would be me.

seem decidedly more powerful, meaning These sets allow the player to interact This same argument could be applied to helmets. I have never been on a motor- the skill of the player is the deciding fac- with the memorable cast of characters N cycle. However, being accident prone, I am one of the few people I know that still

tor in any match-up. who join Raynor on his quest to weaken O wears a helmet while bicycling. N

By T.J. Hafer While the multiplayer portion of the the rule of the corrupt Terran Emperor, R I choose to wear my seat belt and helmet for my safety. My safety is not something E

game is polished, fun, and receives a lot of Arcturus Mengsk, and serve to showcase H an officer or law has a right to control. My perception of the law is that it should be K For those of you that may have already media attention, I felt the crown jewel of the “Starcraft” world on a more intimate IC there simply to protect us when absolutely necessary. R Y read other reviews for “Starcraft II”, I will the “Starcraft II” experience was the sin- scale than the usual bird’s eye army con- B I live by this mantra: I would not kill because I value life. I would not steal because spare you by not starting this one with gle-player campaign. At roughly 20 hours trol view. ED I value producers. I would not cheat because I value myself. AT TR “Hell, it’s about time!” in length, it matches up to the campaign Whether you’re a multiplayer strategy ILLUS Contact Elisabeth Bronaugh, culture editor, at [email protected]