Bursts of Memory

JourneysA newsletter to help with grief Spring 2018 | Kansas City Hospice & Palliative Care Bursts of Memory by Jacque Amweg, Grief Support Specialist his morning when I skin and recalled wearing the we can often find comfort “What is lovely walked outside my long blue and white flowered in these memories. At those front door and smelled dress that a friend loaned me. times it’s almost like we’ve Tthe cool air, a memory popped I wore it all day one Saturday been given a surprise gift of never dies, into my mind. I was instantly when I was thirteen. I sat on the former place and time to taken to my grandparents the sidewalk and played jacks enjoy. but passes back yard, the narrow in it. Yet memories of happy sidewalk that went out to the The sight of the moon times can be painful in grief alley, the long length of grassy through the trees has taken for awhile. It helps to share into another yard that sloped up to another me back to the memory of a them in some way, talking to level in the middle of the soft, tentative kiss. Not long someone, writing in a journal loveliness, yard, and the “north house” ago I was dozing off and in or blog or creating traditions they called it. It was a storage my sleepy state was taken around those memories. shed in the back yard that was back to the nights of rocking If you would like to speak star-dust or surrounded by hollyhocks. my babies, dozing, and I felt to someone about your There was a homemade, the warmth of a tiny baby in experience please be in touch oversized swing set way in my arms right then and there. with a Grief Support Specialist sea-foam, the back. I was there in the When we’re grieving, some at 816.363.2600. middle of it all in an instant. memories that sneak up on flower or I don’t know what it was us are what author and grief that brought me there. Maybe counselor, Alan Wolfelt PhD it was the smell of grass or calls “grief bursts.” They can winged air.” the feel of cool, damp air. My throw us into the depth of our brothers and I spent many pain and loss. Each memory — Thomas Bailey Aldrich hours playing there, and in can represent an empty place this present-day moment I in our lives. was content in that memory. These days the memories It was almost as if the smell may seem to have a sense of and feel of the air that day longing associated with them. In this issue: joined me to another time The searching and longing and place that was pleasant can be unbearable, especially for me. I enjoyed the feel of early in our grief. The desire Letting Go ..............2 the morning and I enjoyed the to reconnect with an earlier memory too. time or to fill the empty places Circle of Lights ......2 I don’t know about you, but is natural. Memories pull us this happens often in my life. into these spaces. The Importance of Something reaches one of my Like my memory of my Rituals ....................3 senses. I see or smell or feel grandparent’s grassy yard, we something or hear a song that can be taken to a good place brings back a feeling. It can of memory that is pleasant to Calendar ................4 take me back in time. I once remember and not painful. felt a scratchy fabric on my Even when we are grieving JOURNEYS | Kansas City Hospice & Palliative Care Grief Support Services Letting Go By Denise Brown MA-ATR Art Therapist/Grief Support Specialist fter the loss of a significant person, you may be you can let go. Consider which items are similar. Will faced with the daunting task of going through keeping just one fulfill the memory? Think about which Abelongings and making decisions about objects make you feel good, paying close attention to personal items. Another big decision may include your emotions as you touch or hold each piece. moving to a smaller living space, forcing you to deal Try to honor yourself by noticing when you need with personal items before you’re emotionally ready. to take breaks. When the time is right, you may find We’re all faced with letting go of items from time ways to make these choices. Think about allowing to time. In the midst of grief, making these decisions for something new. There can be a sense of closure in may trigger anxiety, deep sadness, discouragement and releasing some items. confusion. Everyone has their own philosophy about the Keeping the goal in mind may help. A frequent goal importance of belongings and that will dictate your is the need to release what is no longer needed in your approach. There are many books on this subject that living space. (You may decide to store items in a garage might be helpful. However long it takes to achieve your or closet, if you cannot bear to part with certain items goal, acknowledge small achievements. Doing so may yet). Proceed, if you can, when you're ready, if this is keep you motivated and your eye on the goal. To add an option. fun to this process, give yourself rewards along the So how do you let go of loved ones belongings that way. Self-nurturing and compassion during any grief have a strong connection to the deceased? Reflect on “work” helps, so consider discovering and using extra your loved one to help decide what to keep and what self-care during this process. Remember a Loved One at the Circle of Lights You are invited to attend the annual Circle of Lights memorial event at 8:30 p.m., Tuesday, May 22, to remember loved ones. The ceremony takes place at the J.C. Nichols Fountain on the Country Club Plaza, 47th Street between Main and Broadway. Luminaries bearing the names of people being remembered line the sidewalks. The evening includes a nondenominational ceremony, and the lighting of the luminaries. This outdoor event may be cancelled for inclement weather. Please call if rain is forecast. To participate, please complete the form below and mail to KCH, 1500 Meadow Lake Parkway, Suite 200, KCMO 64114. You may also respond online at www.kchospice.org/col. If you are unable to attend, the luminary will be lit in your absence. We ask that luminary requests arrive by Monday, April 30. Enclosed is my gift of ______ in support of the good Mail to: KCH, 1500 Meadow Lake Parkway, Suite 200 work of Kansas City Hospice. Kansas City, MO 64114 or online at www.kchospice.org/col I cannot make a gift at this time, but would like a luminary to honor my loved one. My Name I would like to place a luminary in honor of My Address City Please call 816.363.2600 if you have any questions. We ask that luminary requests arrive by Monday, April 30. State Zip Phone ( ) Page 2 | JOURNEYS JOURNEYS | Kansas City Hospice & Palliative Care Grief Support Services The Importance of Rituals By Jean Smart LCSW Grief Support Specialist “There is a who has been a part of your life. Contemplate and determine which parts of your life and relationship sacredness in with your loved one can be retained. tears. Rituals may be as simple as watching a movie you both liked or playing “your song”. They can They are not be religious in nature, or collecting photographs, mementos and the mark of personal belongings to place in a memory box. This can also be an important weakness, tool to help children grieve as once they have placed articles in the but of power. box they can add to it, or use it to reminisce. It can be something shared with the whole family too. They speak Other more tangible ways to create rituals could be: more eloquently ӹ Give a donation in your loved n J. William Worden’s hallmark one's name book, Grief Counseling and ӹ Light a candle than ten Grief Therapy, he provides ӹ Create a memory table Ifour tasks to help mourners. His thousand tongues. final task is “to find an enduring ӹ Make their favorite recipe or meal, and then make a toast in connection with your loved one their memory while moving forward with life.” They are the We can’t change the fact that our ӹ Share memories of your loved one, read a poem or say a prayer loved one is gone, but we do have a messengers of choice in how we respond. We can ӹ Plant a tree choose to heal. ӹ Bake cookies for a nursing home Rituals are an important way or others who may be isolated overwhelming to help you keep your loved one ӹ If visiting a cemetery, consider alive. A ritual is a specific behavior including children in planning grief, of deep or activity that gives symbolic decorations to give them a sense expression to your feelings. Rituals of involvement can be a one-time occurrence The Circle of Lights by Kansas contrition, and of or repeated annually at a time of City Hospice was created to help your choosing. They can help you you celebrate your loved one in unspeakable love.” interact with the memory of a loved community. Research has shown one in a healthy way. that even when a loss is not our Rituals help us create continuing own, we ache.

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