volume 16 - issue 7  tuesday, december 2, 2014 l uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr l@thewatertower l thewatertower..com

White House efforts to prevent Con- First of all, I want to apologize at gress from sending Obamacare back to the the start of this article, to all those who Supreme Court have been halted by an un- may have been duped by our setup and foreseen obstacle. to anyone who will be disturbed by the Wedged between his upper left ca- findings. I’d also like to apologize to the nine and lateral incisor, it was the presence young man to whom I made a promise of a tiny black seed which kept President last week that I didn’t keep. I hope ev- Obama from regaining popularity for his erything turned out okay, and that you Affordable Care Act. are not currently brooding in hate over Possibly the remnants of morning your potential loss. You are the event refreshments, or of a late night snack fol- that finally inspired this article, the lowed by poor hygienic practices, the min- motivation behind the scheme. iscule speck could hardly be ignored during This is the confession of how the this morning’s conference for healthcare editors-in-chief of the water tower reform. broke, tested, and explored the valid- The President addressed a room full of ity of an age-old question: “Excuse me, staunch Republican leadership, who have could you watch my laptop for a sec- tirelessly opposed the eponymous Obam- ond?” acare since its very inception. Three years ago, I came up with About three minutes into the Presi- the idea of conducting an investigation dent’s opening remarks, Speaker of the into the effectiveness of our commu- House John Boehner was one of the first nity’s most overused form of “campus to take note of the minute, circular object security.” Testing the responsibility of peeking in and out of view from between the average student was tricky, and the the President’s pearly whites. fear surrounding engaging in definitely “At first I thought it was a freckle”, said skeptical and possibly criminal experi- attention. With the hustle and bustle of mere thirty seconds, I couldn’t believe I’d Boehner, “But sure enough, it moved down ments was a major factor in the delay of this friends, coffee lines, and librarians, the just proved my pessimism of the public eye about half a centimeter and that’s when I article. At every opportunity that the stage average studious worker is surrounded by in one fell swoop. knew I had something to say.” was set to test my hypothesis, my quite lit- distractions. For many, myself included, However, it is important to note that The subject of the conference quickly eral partner-in-crime would become ner- these distractions inspire a trance-like state the assigned Good Samaritan was part of moved from the billions of dollars young vous and chicken out. in which one retreats behind their head- a larger group of chatty girls, which actu- Americans will save from Obama’s health- As the assigned “thief” ally added an extra care legislation to the solitary food frag- in my recent experiments, element of vigilance. ment, which White House aides now I empathize with the pan- As my cohort and I confirm was left over from the President’s icky unknown of how other discussed how easy morning bagel. library-goers may react. My the heist had been, the Analysts estimate the single seed was prediction fell into the as- girl tentatively walked one of thousands of identical entities and sumption that college stu- around the corner, believe the probability of other seeds being dents are mostly blind to scanning the room present at the time to be high. their surroundings, unless until she exhaled in It was Democrat and House Minority they are forced to be more relief, seeing the two Leader Nancy Pelosi, who finally raised her attentive: such as by a simple, anonymous phones and attempts to completely zone of us talking. “Oh, sorry, I thought you had hand to point out the distraction. request. out the world. stolen her laptop or something.” “I felt I owed it to the President to be My confidence (or lack thereof) in My cohort, co-editor Katja Ritchie, She seemed embarrassed that she’d honest, and I expect the same honesty in the trustworthiness of strangers comes left her laptop, called upon a stranger in gone out of her way to try solve a crime return.” from a pessimistic opinion of blind faith. her proximity for a favor, and then it was that, we dubiously assured her, was just a Pelosi went on to say that she often However, I was surprised by what I found my turn to be the bad guy. I approached friend retrieving another’s belongings. discovers prominent lipstick stains on her in testing the theory of laptop security the table a few minutes later, and, without a Interesting. own teeth only after hours speaking with from strangers, so let’s get to the juicy parts. word, began to collect all of her belongings. The second floor of the library proved colleagues who left the issue unaddressed. The first floor of the library was the I grabbed everything from the table initial site to test how much people pay with no issues and walked away; within a ...continued on page 5 ...continued on page 3

#freethenipple eating (your feelings) locally quiz: winter relationships takeout for christmas by mikaelawaters by mollyo’shea & katelynpine by katjaritchie by zackpensak That’s right, we’re talking to you. You’re great. Without you, we wouldn’t be able to do that thing we do here, keeping alive this frail old man called print journalism. You’re the best. We, uhh...well, we wrote you this ode. We hope you like it: Birds - These winged creatures are kind of scary when you think about it. O you, who from New Hampshire send us words, It might also be something with their eyes and the way they always look The ones we write, but you so sagely toil like they’re staring into your soul. But I’d like to give a shoutout to the bird To lay them one by one like newborn birds that I hit with my car on the way back to school. I’m really sorry for yell- Whose hatch has marked you with the press’s oil, ing at you and your friends when you flew out in front of me. Maybe if I Are you not like some Gutenberg today? hadn’t, you’d still be alive. Rest in peace, sparrow. Without whose craft our thoughts would die with speech? And we, the Martin Luther, given say Getting dark at 4 o’clock – Sometimes, I just want to come out of my class Through saintly paper, carrying our speech? and see the sun shining in the distance. It’s like a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, my microeconomic theory homework won’t actually Thanks for all the hard work this semester, truly, from ourselves and whatever make me want to cry into a pail on the side of the street. Instead, thanks to percentage of UVM that picks up the oh-so-soft, off-white paper that you make a Earth’s moving axis, I get out of class and tears well up immediately. reality. We’ve never known if you read this paper, but hopefully you will this week, because this last issue of the semester is for you! Winter hair – When the air gets dry come December, the hair starts to stick up. You can do almost anything to prevent the static, but all your Happy Holidays, efforts are useless. I cut my hair over break (I know, how original), but not The Whole Happywater tower Crew even my new look can stop the static monster from clinging to everything, not to mention the nasty shocks I get when I open my door. g Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and fight the power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to [email protected]

the water tower. with kerrymartin uvm’s alternative newsmag uvm.edu/~watertwr “The CIA regards the effort as doomed to failure…[and] thinks that it is impossible to ______Editorial Staff Editors-in-Chief train and equip a force of pro-Western Syrian nationals that can fight and defeat Assad, Laura Greenwood Katja Ritchie al-Nusra, and ISIS, regardless of whatever air support that force may receive…Its previ- ous assignment to accomplish this was basically a fool’s errand, and they are well aware News Editor Kerry Martin of the fact that many of the arms that they provided ended up in the wrong hands.” —An anonymous Democratic Congressman describes classified internal CIA reports (which the President has read) that Around Town Editor confirm the recklessness of arming Syrian rebel groups. Barry, Boehner, and Mitch, best buds for the next two years, will move Wes Dunn full speed ahead into a war whose public spectacle conceals more than it reveals. Reflections Editor Mikaela Waters “I feel betrayed. One billion [shillings] is very Page 8 Editor “Most people I talk with, even in the intense little and you cannot compare that with land. Zack Pensak water community, view themselves as Colora- It’s inherited. Their mothers and grandmothers Créatif Stuffé Editor Leonard Bartenstein dans first and members of river basins second.” are buried in that land.” —James Eklund voices his optimism about my home state’s will- —Samwel Nangiria, a Maasai organizer from Tanzania, decries his Tunes Editor ingness to share its limited water supply. Colorado water politics Mike Storace are contentious, with about 80% of its water west of the continental government’s reversal on a promise that the large territory border- ing Serengeti National Park remain in the hands of one of Africa’s Humor Editor divide and the bulk of its people and agriculture to the east; 2.5 Collin Cappelle million Coloradans will be parched by 2050 without more massive most well-known ethnic groups. The government is expelling (with a undermountain pipelines. I like Colorado and everything but…my small compensation) over 40,000 indigenous Maasai to create a “game Art Editor river basin is just objectively superior. Ben Berrick reserve” for United Arab Emirates royals. Where will the Maasai go, Tanzania? If to the city, will you welcome their cattle? Copy Editor Katelyn Pine ______Staff Writers “I went to school for one year. It was the best experience but the worst experi- Dave Anderson Phil Arliss ence. The best experience because I was, like, ‘Oh, now I know why kids are so Jesse Baum depressed.’ But it was the worst experience because I was depressed.” Cole Burton —Willow Smith, daughter of actor Will Smith, shares wisdom in an actually insightful joint interview with her Lynn Keating Zachary Nabors older brother Jaden. I would love for my kids to replace school with writing novels, climbing trees, and studying Molly O’Shea Eastern philosophy and quantum physics…but I’m not Will smith. Maybe if I name them Kerryow… Art Staff the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a bi-weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. Liz Barrett Paige Cherrington Keely Farrell contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a cross- Barry Guglielmo Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists roads. With sincerity and humor, Cullen Hairston [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome Kevin Neville we strive to make you reexamine, Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings investigate, question, learn, and Angel Roe [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm Liz Stafford maybe pee your pants along the Yin Yefko Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Jost Foundation Room way. We are the reason people [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor can’t wait for Tuesday. We are the Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email water tower. Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr news ticker: Obama opens path to citizenship for 4.7 million undocumented immigrants +++ Burkina Faso revolt overthrows Pres. Compaore of 27 years +++ What’s ebola? g

by lauragreenwood At the beginning of October, the Unit- now proceeds the Supreme Court’s “Oh ed States Supreme Court began its session shit, maybe we should reconsider this” mo- and was immediately faced with a variety ment. of appeals addressing the constitutionality The four states in the 6th Circuit of same-sex marriage bans. Instead of ac- (again, Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, and cepting any of these cases, this Supreme Tennessee) have the option to uphold their Court decided that the constitutionality same-sex marriage bans. Differently from of marriage bans will not be addressed in how the other Circuit Courts ruled in Oc- their docket this year—rather, let the fed- tober, the 6th Circuit changed their prece- eral circuit courts handle the issue. dence rules on marriage bans and allowed And one by one, these circuit courts for bans to fall in either direction. have almost unanimously deemed indi- Yet again, we’re presented with the vidual states’ ban on gay marriage uncon- age-old issue of contradicting interpreta- stitutional, even in conservative states like tions of the Constitution and their legal South Carolina, West Virginia, Montana, consequences throughout the nation. The Wyoming, and Utah. Of the 35 states where inconsistency of gay rights can be clearly gay marriage is now allowed, 3 were decid- mapped across America, and their effects ed by popular vote, 8 by state legislatures, create an unstable climate for the future of and 24 by court decision. Parts of America couples nationwide. have rejoiced at this critical opportunity Someone needs to step up and create for gay rights. By not acting, the Supreme consistency in our judicial system in or- Court essentially just made gay marriage der to prevent these intercircuit conflicts. possible in any circuit, right? Right?! Although the Constitution is meant to be Well…hold on a second. The Supreme a flexible and adaptable document, it is lowed same-sex marriage for over ten pressure to change their minds, they are Court’s indecision has let the 6th Circuit supposed to help to unite and protect the years, as the result of a Massachusetts State not likely to do so. Sourt of Appeals—which represents Mich- citizens of the United States with some pre- Supreme Court decision; I’ve been to three Hopefully, the Supreme Court will igan, Ohio, Kentucky, and Tennessee—go dictability. glorious gay marriages that had me weep- eventually open up to hearing these cases through with their decision to uphold the Who is this omniscient someone that ing just like the rest of them. We’re lucky later this session, and will help to resolve constitutionality of gay marriage bans. should be vested with the jurisdiction to to be at a university, in a state, in a region these national contradictions. But the pres- This ruling says that these bans do not resolve the same-sex marriage ban once of America that has been more proactive ent situation demonstrates how the great, violate the equal protection and due pro- and for all? The judiciary is a reactive body, about addressing the civil liberties of ho- complex, overlapping nature of our gov- cess clauses of the Constitution, and thus their role limited to interpreting and re- mosexuals in order to leap into the modern ernment can also occasionally find itself if a state in the 6th Circuit rules to keep a sponding to policy and law with justice, not age. But, these recent 6th Circuit barrings in knots. Until the Supreme Court does ban on same-sex marriage they have every creating the law off of which justice will be demonstrate that America is not yet unani- act, the issue falls on the pro-gay mar- right to do so. This is possible because the based. Lawmaking on marriage rights has mous about the future of our nation. Each riage advocates of these states to appeal to Supreme Court’s lack of action allowed for largely been left to each state, thus it falls on of the four states where bans have been up- their state’s legislature, state courts, circuit both constitutional and unconstitutional We the People to push for the legislation we held had voted on these bans prior, with courts, and the rest to help spread a liberal marriage ban rulings by lower courts to want where we live. millions of citizens in support to restrict social change that’s sweeping across Amer- be permitted on a state-by-state basis. And My home state Massachusetts has al- gay marriage, and without any national ica. g

by mikaelawaters Earlier this year, comedian Chelsea and the “community” which the photo more balanced system of censorship. The decency a step further, directly question- Handler posted a photo on Instagram of may have offended, Handler remarked, “if movement has manifested in two ways: ing the limits and biases of the 1st Amend- her riding topless upon a horse, Picstitched a man posts a photo of his it’s okay, through their feature-length documentary ment. Posting her pony-rides-with-Putin alongside Vladimir Putin, also shirtless but not a woman,” effectively engaging in Free The , and through the photo once again to Instagram, she cap- atop a noble steed. After the photo was re- and capturing the Free The Nipple move- #freethenipple. tioned it, “if Instagram takes this down moved by Instagram for not following their ment. #freethenipple is an online campaign again, you’re saying Vladimir Putin has community guidelines, Handler moved to Aside from being the call of intoxi- in which women (, Lena Dun- more 1st Amendment rights than me…” Twitter, posting the same photo and a tweet cated college males, Free The Nipple is a h a m , While stating, “Taking this down is sexist. I have movement against female oppression and Liv Ty- this post’s every right to prove that I have a better censorship, seeking to address the issues ler and “a nipple is a nipple, so why then is it sexual- intent was body than Putin.” Challenging Instagram of equal rights for men and women, and a Chelsea ized and effectively criminalized when fe- obviously Han- to provoke “This is a very serious matter. To deface the dler, to male, but deemed decent when male?” and poke President is a form of treason,” said Pelosi name a fun of Ins- POPPY SEED later in her interview. “I would not be sur- famous tagram, it -continued from page 1 prised if this were another childish tactic of few) post photos on social media to bring brought up a question regarding internet the GOP to further distance itself from the attention to the inconsistency and sexist censorship even beyond the nipple: who The President was able to achieve mo- Democratic Party.” nature of censorship and decency laws. has the right to regulate free speech and mentary relief with a quick maneuver of A number of bipartisan efforts were (No, Kim Kardashian is not part of this, expression online? the tongue and simultaneous suction of conducted to bring the seed to President her “Break the Internet” was not done in The censoring of nipples on apps like the upper lip. The brief disappearance of Obama’s attention. Strategies included: the spirit of activism.) The inconsisten- Instagram is not ostensibly done in the the speck allowed the President to recapit- subtle pointing gestures, more expository cies they highlight are that in 35 states it name of sexism or gender oppression, but ulate the importance of federal health care dental pantomimes, and an anonymous is legal for men to be topless, but illegal for in the name of decency to create a family- subsidies for lower and middle income cry giving the precise coordinates of, “a women, and that social media applications friendly cyber community. However, Insta- families. Just as President Obama began little more to the left and down.” Despite such as Instagram remove photos of top- gram neglects this goal by failing to moni- to describe, step-by-step, the devastating techniques to help envision the spot’s ex- less women, but not topless men. A nipple tor comments and captions: homophobic, economic destabilization which would re- act positioning, the President was neither is a nipple, so why then is it sexualized and racist, threatening, sexist, and profane sult in repealing his health care legislation, interested in the seed’s location, nor its im- effectively criminalized when female, but language all remain uncensored, while a the little fleck resurfaced in the exact same mediate removal. deemed decent when male? woman’s chest is swept under the rug (so position. Overall, Republicans believe the inci- As a feminist movement, Free The to speak). As such, Instagram is inadver- Not unlike the GOP’s immobile op- dent to demonstrate the President’s unpro- Nipple makes clear that they support wom- tently making a statement that a nipple is position to Obamacare, the finicky poppy fessionalism, disrespect of the Republican en independently choosing to free their more dangerous to their community than seed did not budge from its interdental cre- party, and general lack of hygiene neces- own nipples, not have men do it for them. words of hate, bigotry, and violence. Maybe vasse for the rest of the conference, at one sary for a leader of the United States. The recent flood of illegally obtained nude I’m naïve, but who knew a nipple was so point seemingly embedded in the Presi- “He’s talking about health care with a pictures of actresses, for instance, was not powerful as to trump all of that? Here I was dent’s gum line. Some Democrats believe flippin’ [sic] poppy seed in his tooth!” said what #freethenipple stands for. thinking they were just human anatomy. g the spot was planted as political sabotage. John Boehner, “Now that’s just wrong.” g Handler took this issue of subjective by mollyo’shea and katelynpine

Dunkin’ Donuts Like any Vermonter, I like a good organic, fair-trade, hand-pressed, perfectly crafted, fresh cup of coffee. However, that doesn’t taste nearly as good mixed with my tears as a cup of processed sugar and milk and a dash of coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. Where else can one order half a dozen donuts and totally pretend that you’re bringing some to other people? Besides Dunks, nowhere.

Henry’s Diner Henry’s Diner is the perfect place for a little pre-finals breakfast. I’m a per- sonal fan of the “Hungry Henry” plate—three eggs, a choice of ham, sausage or ba- con, a choice of pancakes or French toast, and to top it all off, it’s served with some amazing home fries. Not only will you exceed your recommended daily caloric intake by 1000 calories, you’ll probably forget all about your poor exam grades with just one butter-soaked bite of chocolate chip pancakes.

Rite-Aid There aren’t many places where you can get over a pound of Sour Patch kids and laundry detergent all in the same place. Rite-Aid is my saving grace when I re- ally need to binge on my emotions Although actually eating in Rite-Aid is frowned upon, you can get all your junk food goodies here while being an emotional wreck, and eat them wherever else at your leisure.

The Harvest Café You only have to spend three dollars on an entire pizza, folks. If that isn’t a bang for your buck, then I don’t know what is. Had a bad day? Go to this cafeteria deep in the bowels of the UVM Medical Center and buy two pizzas, six cheese danishes, three brownies, and a cup of coffee, and it will probably only cost you under ten dollars somehow. You can quietly cry in peace and no one will bother you here, because it’s a hospital and they have better things to do, like save lives.

Olive Garden Two words: unlimited breadsticks. Yeah, we’re stretching the definition of “lo- cal” because you’ve probably got a branch of this chain restaurant somewhere near your hometown, but does that really matter? The Olive Garden is a reliable source Ben & Jerry’s for feelings-food in a pretending-to-be-authentic-Italian setting. Nothing beats Obviously, this Vermont staple has plenty of delicious, unique flavors, but if you’re a chicken parmesan served with a side of guilt for your weekend plans. Having really in need of some food therapy, may we recommend ordering that Vermonster? Take learned from past experience, don’t try to go here at six o’clock on a Saturday night a spoon and eat that tub of love all the way to your next exam. Do I get bonus points for (the wait was an hour and twenty minutes). offering you a bite, Professor? g

by marytaylor “Where’s that?” is the usual response after telling of my building to see the shuttle driving away on a Mon- pany, however, claims they didn’t know until one week be- someone I live at the Quarry Hill apartments, often ac- day morning is extremely unsettling, given that the next fore, and did the best they could with the employees that companied by a look of sheer confusion with a hint of cu- shuttle isn’t for another several hours. Contrary to popular were available. But why did UVM promise its unknowing riosity. It’s the end of the fall semester, yet the building I belief, these Bean Boots were not made for walking. new students with transportation if it wasn’t in the budget? live in with over thirty other students remains completely When I brought this up to the driver later that same UVM claims to consider their students’ safety a top anonymous. afternoon, I got the same fleeting response I’m sadly all too priority, yet they continually fail to live up to those claims. Until last month, when it was suspiciously altered, the familiar with after so many calls to ResLife: “Yeah, I was a With the amount of money we’re paying for our education ResLife website described Quarry Hill as being a “5-min- couple minutes early.” and housing, where is it all going? From where I stand, ute walk to campus.” Try 15-minute walk to the outer-most On top of that, the mailing system was not established there’s plenty of money to buy custom American Apparel edge of the farthest point of campus, where the closest until our second month living here. After being told mul- shirts for UPB to give away for free, and even more to in- shuttle stop is. tiple times that it was sorted, textbook deliveries were still vest in fossil fuels, but not enough to provide students with They’ve also retracted their original description of the delayed past the first week of classes. My roommate and safe transportation to and from campus. coin-operated laundry machines being “convenient”: since I resorted to renting a car to pick up packages at a UPS I’m now in the process of terminating my contract the building also lacks coin machines, they are anything warehouse. with UVM for the apartment and fighting the $750 fee for but. Many residents have expressed disappointment, my- mid-year contract ending. I’ve found I’m not the only resi- UVM promised residents a fully-furnished apartment self included. So it was only a matter of time until we got dent looking to do so; approximately half of the residents and reliable transportation to and from campus upon sign- some sort of response from a university employee. The currently living at Quarry Hill are subletting apartments at ing the contract. At $950 per month per person, there’s a week of October 13, residents received an updated shuttle Redstone next semester and tirelessly trying to get answers high price to pay if that doesn’t come through. My room- schedule with an additional two early morning pick-up about having the fee waived. mates and I did not even receive a coffee table and chair times, along with answers to many burning questions. ResLife has yet to respond to the many phone calls and until after midterms, and sometimes the “reliable” shuttle One “explanation” I found especially interesting was e-mails regarding the concerns about the unfair charge for never shows up. that UVM claims not to have known they would need a terminating a contract they failed to live up to. Our re- The shuttle, which runs shuttle until two quests were not extravagant, nor were our complaints ar- essentially every 3 hours, “with the amount of money we’re weeks prior to our bitrary. In fact, where are our concerns really stem from lacks weekend and Fri- move-in date, leaving is the fact that we were lied to. I would gain an incredible day night ride times. I paying for our education and them with little fund- amount of respect for UVM should they choose to admit can forgive a 5-minute ing to afford a shuttle their wrongdoing and waive the fee this year. We forgive delay, but walking out housing, where is it all going?” service. The bus com- you, Quarry Hill, but we won’t forget. g There is no worse feeling than planning on staying 2:58am: That One Guy has to ask whether go- up the entire night and still being unsure whether you’ll ing outside through the Café door will set off the fire get all your work done. I have already done this twice alarm. Asshole. this semester (granted, once with a brief nap) and will 3:05am: Daylight Savings Time begins, then ends, likely do it more. But I’m not telling you this to glorify then begins again. my busy; I’m just saying that I know how it is, and that 3:36am: All information reaches a flat plane, and you should use my play-by-play account as a preview if you are unsure whether or not your paper about Boko any night like this is in your near future. Haram is actually about Romeo and Juliet, or the laws The strange happenings recorded here are quite of physics, or three old ladies ripping a bong. (Mean- normal in Late Night Cyber Café society, so be pre- while, you watch the internet as a video of that very act pared. goes viral throughout the night, meaning that it must be getting tons of views in Japan.) 11:27pm: You settle into a desk with everything 3:50am: You grow convinced that everyone around you need: books, notes, the Macbook Pro paired with you is a hired actor only there to uphold your perverse the desktop Dell that makes your setup look like an reality. Or that they are just normal people who aren’t incongruous double monitor, and your now-cold-and- actually doing work. non-refillable Speeder & Earl’s coffee. There is no coffee 4:14...: You’re really not sure whether it’s AM or pot, microwave, or IV drip available to put it to good PM anymore. use. [4:20... SMOKE WEED] 11:29pm: Music—you need something that’ll drive 4:33am: Deliriously exhausted and 70% done you forward. You’ve just put in a good four hours of with a paper that really could be straight awful, you work on Floor 2 B/H, listening to piano concertos by pull your jacket over your face and attempt a nap. Min- Beethoven and Debussy, but now you’re tired, plus that’s utes later, you’re awoken by the guy next to you talking, pussy shit. Start bumping The Glitch Mob, move later to possibly to you, possibly telling you not to breathe so Pretty Lights, Gramatik, and Bass Physics. loud, but you’re so tired that you’re really not sure. Re- 11:53pm: After working through your open tabs gardless, you despise this guy for the rest of the night. of the Guardian, VICE News, Wikipedia, and Clickhole, 5:00am: At the hour, you suddenly enter a com- you have more tabs than you started with, and you re- bat-like state of mind, keenly aware of every distur- member that your paper is due in 10 hours. bance within a thirty-meter radius, time slows, you 12:04am: Someone who has apparently never look at the guy next to you and consider snapping his heard of headphones asks you to turn your music neck without explanation or hesitation, until you real- down. You slightly oblige. Another freshman asks you ize you’ve been drooling all over your shirt for the past who you listen to, assuming you’re an EDM guy, which seven minutes. emasculates you and you oblige more. 5:12am: Already falling asleep on your keys and 12:10am: The shoes come off and stay off. fearing you won’t finish, you make a final push, ignor- 12:39am: You start to notice the growing insan- ing the law that fine-toothed paper-editing doesn’t re- ity of those around you. “You know what I could go ally happen at this time of day. for right now? A crying shower beer.” Yeah, that does 5:19am: The early morning crew starts pouring sound pretty good. laughing at you as he fondles your grandma. in, with all their sleep. Pricks. 1:12am: Your nose-picking becomes truly shameless. 2:24am: The girl working at the far table whips out 5:30am-9:00am: You’re not really sure what happens 1:47am: The late-risers mill into the Café at the ring of five fatty decks of Magic: The Gathering cards. during this time, honestly. But you come about in the main the bell. They thought they were safe... 2:45am: Out of cash, you spend your limited part of the library, editing an allegedly completed paper, 1:56am: The nighttime employees think they’re so Cat$cratch on some caffeine at the vending machine and and drinking coffee that is obviously not working. cool setting up their fold-out tables. then realize you have no money left to print your paper un- 9:46am: Printed, first of four classes in fourteen min- 2:21am: You begin to doze off and realize that in- til they open up the rest of the library in the morning. Any utes, and the jammed front desk stapler is thwarting your stead of writing your PoliSci paper, you’re describing your plan to leave the library in the next twenty-five seconds. It’s faint idea you once had about going home now disappears, g half-waking dream about a giant hamburger-man in a tux, and with it all notions of showering or brushing your teeth. gonna be a good day.

LAPTOP THEFT—continued from page 1 just how far I could really take these thefts. Surely, every- I was actually stealing that laptop on the first floor, I would one would be too distracted here to keep watch on others’ have been out the door before any stranger came running similar results. Again and again, we’d stage the heist and possessions—or would I again be pleasantly surprised? after, not hanging around and chatting in the Cyber Café. I’d find myself on the recieving end of questions, or simply No such luck. This time, we decided to switch up the And, unsettlingly, it appeared that the best position for a dirty looks, about why I was grabbing “that girl’s stuff.” game a bit: I would pose as the stranger to whom my ac- thief to be in was as the assigned Keeper of Things. How Luckily, my partner was never far off, always retreating complice would entrust her computer, and then see if I much can you trust the person who knows you aren’t near just in time to assure the stranger that I wasn’t stealing. could get away with stealing it myself. your belongings? It seemed irrelevant whether my partner looked deep So my partner asked if I’d watch her stuff, I said yes, As a member of this University, we have an unspo- into someone’s very soul, requesting in all kindness that and then, minutes later, I got up and just walked off with ken, blind trust for those in our community. Under the someone keep a watchful eye over her laptop, or just gave her laptop. Easy as that; not a single word was spoken. assumption that “we get it, man” and “I feel you,” college a jaded nod of “you got this covered, right?”; students We were shocked. Okay, maybe other students were kids are one of the most trusting demographics out there. proved to be very watchful. Even if I just lingered by her oblivious when they hadn’t been specifically asked to do The reality is that no matter the state or community, it’s laptop, I could feel the curious, keen eyes of the prescribed the favor themselves. But would they have any recollec- irresponsible to be so ignorant. We will all keep asking Laptop Keeper searing into the back of my head. tion of the incident when the victim of theft returned to strangers to watch our stuff because it’s easier than relo- At this point, even I was shocked. Surely, I wasn’t the find her laptop—and trusted Thing-Watcher—vanished? cating every time you want to pee, but it’s smart to always only person who occasionally didn’t pay full attention or No dice there, either. My accomplice returned to the scene remain skeptical of that tentative agreement. had to run off before the MIA owner returned. Like most, of the crime, upended her backpack, and searched ner- As you hunker down in the depths of the library dur- I tend to just pass the buck, so to speak, shrugging the re- vously for a couple minutes before gathering her remain- ing exams, think twice before you leave your stuff. My sponsibility off on another stranger to keep watch. I real- ing things and hurrying out. A few momentary, confused advice, if anything, is to not be embarrassed to make a ize now that this method presents an obvious flaw, seeing looks were the only response. very loud to-doo about assigning a watchful eye: as the unassuming recipient of my shirked duty has no From all these posed crimes, I’m not really sure what the more attention on your things, it appears, the idea who needed their stuff watched in the first place. conclusions to make from our findings. Yes, many stu- better.  Our next conquest was the third floor. I wanted to see dents did appear to fulfill their jobs well. But then again, if by katjaritchie Oh, the weather outside is frightful, and so is being all alone under your duvet during the cold, lonely night. Enter the cuddle- by lauragreenwood season companion: extend your current friend-with-benefits rapport juuuust long enough to make it through the never-ending Vermont Before Thanksgiving, I woke up to register for my final semester of college. The experienced has changed ten-fold behind me. Registration went a little like this: peer at the Registrar page on Sunday night, scroll every department chill with someone to leach extra body heat from. Once the weather warms up, so can your wandering eye. Feel free to cut ties in time since I first undertook this venture in my early years. This final registration resulted in the new discovery that I was a aimlessly, select a few interesting courses, confirm with my advisor I will in fact graduate, and then forget. No need for a springtime fling, or, who knows—maybe you’ll have found something to keep you warm long after the snow melts away. double major, and only two classes away from fulfilling both. Call me blind, call me stupid, but I’d like to say it’s just a to write down the numbers; the competition to “out-register” everyone else in my grade is over. The night before, I matter of being more relaxed. set my alarm for 6:50am. Before falling asleep, I change my mind and set it 1. The communication with you and your special 2. If you called them right now and asked to hang out sometime Four years ago, I’d tediously stalk the Registrar’s page for the weeks lead- “i obsessed over my newfound educa- to 6:55am. I wake up, find my laptop, and begin registering for classes like someone exists mainly in these media: soon... ing up to that fateful morning. Wielding my recycled Davis Center poster note- I’m scanning an online Forever 21 sale, casually adding and removing things pad, I would scribble down every class qualified to fulfill my Arts & Sciences tional independence and my ambition from my cart as I go. I’ve completed the process by 7:01am and I stay up to a. Snapchat stories and Twitter-favorites a. You’re unable to answer this without knowing how drunk you both general requirements, optimistic that each course would be the best one yet. A make myself breakfast because I wake up this early now and pretend I’m an would be and how many hours after Classics course in Greek Mythology, how whimsical! An introduction in Phi- adult by doing crossword puzzles while drinking coffee in the morning. It’s b. Snapchats besides their story midnight you would call in this situa- losophy, how deep! Art History, Theater, Political Science: seriously, I obsessed to be the most ‘well rounded’ student” not even until later that afternoon when talking to a classmate that I realize (so you know it’s real) and the oc- tion. Timing and likelihood of barfing over my newfound educational independence and my ambition be to the most the full extent of my education thus far. Unknowingly, I had been fulfilling all casional comment on your own sweater are everything. “well-rounded” student. On registration morning, I’d wake up a half hour early the requirements for an additional major that only required one more intro to continuously refresh the “Look Up Classes” page and check the availability of all my dream courses. No worries course to complete. c. An extensive compilation of b. It would be a little risky…but they if one was at capacity, I had five others at the same time on the back burner with the CRNs already prepped on my Gone are the days of painstaking review and future-planning (at least, as it pertains to classes). Instead, I’ve finally Excel spread sheet. Feverishly, right at 7am, I’d put all those numbers in at once and register, register, register. Course got it all figured out and fully declared. Although, I may have experienced a lot of “lasts” this year, it’s safe to say it’s texts, messages, and even speak- messaged you a picture of a kitten fall- g ing face-to-face, in person, with ing down some stairs yesterday, so you registration entailed research, review, and quick reactions. I’d fall back asleep until my first class at 11am. Safe to say, never too late to get more out of your time here at UVM and add another line to your diploma. your actual voices. think you could take a shot. things have changed. Freshman year, I was undeclared. Senior year, I’m smooth-sailing to the finish line with all the grunt work already c. They’d beat you to it, and have at least one option of what to do that doesn’t 3. How long has it been since seem like a means of ending up wasted you were last romantically com- in the same apartment. mitted? by cullenhairston a. You’re still disentangling your 4. What most closely matches the state heart from your last breakup (and of your sex drive? I’m from Texas, the home of Willie Nelson, greasy burritos, and up one morning and realizing the walk to the Grundle from my dorm their shit from your apartment, blistering heat. I lived there for 18 years before moving across the is much longer when your body feels frozen to the core. and their drunk texts from your a. You either need all the stress balls and country to start my college life at UVM. When I told other Texans The biggest surprise for me, though, was the wind. Sure, 20ºF is , phone…) deep massages in the world, or a seri- I was considering UVM, I usually got one of three responses, the cold, but when those high winds kick up, every bone in your body ously steamy encounter. You have some first one being the three-part, “Which one is Vermont? Which one freezes, you’re blown off the sidewalk, and all hope is lost for a good pent-up tension to work out. Like, now. My wish list looks a little different from the last time we spoke. I know, I know, it’s b. A little while. Regardless, you’re not looking for any- is New Hampshire? Is that near day. In Texas, wind doesn’t usu- my fault I haven’t written to you in a while—but things have gotten a lot more com- thing serious at the moment. Boston?” The second being, “I ally factor into the cold. If you’re b. Meh. plicated since the days I yearned for an orange iPod shuffle (it holds two whole Green don’t know what you’re doing out in the country, it usually just Day albums!), Barbie’s spring break dream vacation, or a remote-control helicopter. c. Enough time that you don’t even have leftover disdain up there, but I hope you know causes dust devils and grasshop- c. Would some action keep you warmer than falling The good news is that learning to battle the trials and tribulations of adulthood, I whenever a mutual friend tells you something might be there are many good schools in pers to hit you in the face. think I’ve gotten a lot more practical. As you can see, this is reflected in my list. going well in your ex’s life. You’ve really matured. asleep in three pairs of socks and a winter hat? Cause Texas if you decide to transfer The difference between the that’s been working out fairly well for you so far. back home.” And the third and heat and the cold is that when This year for the holidays, I’d like… most common, “Vermont? Isn’t you’re cold, you have yourself to Mostly a’s: So close, yet so far. You’re either way too recently out of a substantial relationship or just too fucking flaky to hold anything it fucking cold up there?” blame: you didn’t wear enough • Rent money down for very long. Any attempts at commitment now would be over by Christmas. If you think it’s cold now, it’s going to be way worse Before you ask, yes, I’d seen layers. You forgot gloves. You • A new non-stick pan (mine is peeling...is that bad?) by January, so this is not a strategic move for your heartbreak or your body temperature. snow before coming here. I grew didn’t buy the right boots. There • Comfortable underwear (packaged in bulk is preferable) up skiing occasionally in New are ways to combat the frigid • Blender actually capable of crushing ice Mostly b’s: You have semi-regular, definitely-interested communication while maintaining enough of a safe distance to not get in over Mexico and Colorado, but spring weather. However, when a Texas • External hard drive your head right away. Congrats. You seem to possess the judgment to maintain a given social situation over an extended period of time breaks spent there didn’t prepare summer rolls around and the • Three-pack of dental floss without letting it get too far out of your control. Grab your throw blankets and snuggle the winter away; the rest of us applaud your me for the cold that is a Vermont heat index is a sweltering 110ºF, • Four extra hours of daylight self-discipline. winter (I realized while writing there isn’t much one can do. You • A Costco membership this that January and February sit inside, crank up the AC, and • The $12.47 my roommate owes me for his share of the electric bill Mostly c’s: I guarantee you and this person are both annoying the shit out of your respective friends by pussy-footing around instead of are still looming in the near fu- wait. Texas is really interesting • Coal. I’ve actually been very good all year, but turning up the just dating each other. This winter is just the beginning; you’re heading straight for the long haul. Lock it down! g ture, just waiting to freeze my because it has all different types thermostat is expensive, and I plan to heat my bedroom with a small fingers off). of heat. It’s dry in the west and reserve of crude fossil fuels. Snow in Texas is a gift given humid in the east. I can differen- • Chapstick, preferably in a pack of 100 or more by Jesus himself. Even if it’s only tiate between types of heat, but • Toilet paper half an inch and melts by 10am, school will definitely be closed for the in Vermont, cold is cold to me. • Khaki pants and comfortable, yet classy, shoes for the office day. Sadly, I noticed that is not the situation here. In Vermont, city I’ve also realized that, no matter how cold it is, there will always • A gift card to Pearl Street Bev governments actually own the machines to take care of ice and snow, be a New Englander there to tell you how warm it is right now! This is • Flannel sheets so there’s really nothing stopping you from going to class. nothing! One time they had to trek through twenty feet of snow with • A really nice pen set (or, nicer than the 50-pack of Bics from Rite Aid) I’ve also noticed that here, you can’t simply throw on a hoodie and a -100ºF wind chill in April! This isn’t cold! Now put on some shorts • Bail (let’s not get into it) walk outside at the end of fall. You have to put actual layers on. That and Birkenstocks!g • Gas money threw me off the first cold weekend here back in October, after waking • Wool socks by leoparini • Command strips (my landlord is noticing the thumbtack holes...) Christopher Nolan’s space odyssey, Interstellar—the most anticipated blockbuster team. Yes, that’s right. An ex-pilot stumbles upon the most ambitious human endeavor the film, with a 169-minute running time that felt like decades. of the year—amounts to a 165-million-dollar dud. Yes, it is an ambitious, visually good- ever (which has clearly been in the works for years), and he is given the project of “saving Nolan also attempts to have an emotional impact on his audience, with wishy-washy If you could do me a solid on a few of these, that’d be great. I know you’re busy, looking picture, but that description applies to almost any Hollywood film. And, given the mankind.” In a last-minute fashion, without any training or any of the “getting to know lines in the script like,“Maybe we’ve spent too long trying to figure all this out with theory. and it’s been a while, but could you do a favor for an old friend? Seriously, our elec- quality of technology and money poured into these studio productions, anything less than your co-workers” bullshit one normally ought to do in such circumstances, he takes off Love is the one thing that transcends time and space.” At this point, I was hoping Nolan tricity might get shut off if we don’t pay this bill on time, and I’m tired of finding that would have given Nolan the sack. into space with three unfamiliar astronauts. would give up, but he doesn’t. He adds in numerous scenes where Cooper, somehow, can flakes of Teflon in my scrambled eggs. Matthew McConaughey manages to pull off a credible performance, even with the The master plan to save mankind is devised by a genius, of course, named Professor receive videos from back home on Earth where he sees his beloved children growing older, lackluster dialogue he’s been handed. His character is an ex-NASA pilot-turned-farmer Brand (played by Michael Caine). As it happens, his arcane, improbable theories are super- but not vice-versa; an excessive and desperate tool used by the director for emotional im- Yours truly, named Cooper who, in a time of crisis (Earth has become an infertile wasteland), leaves fluously discussed among the astronauts, as they’re enclosed in a spaceship—which makes pact, though it ultimately fails. the water tower. his kids for a higher calling: to save humanity from starvation by searching space for a new for great cinema? It’s not exactly exhilarating to be forced to listen to recherché science The tears that were shed so copiously onscreen led to an apathetic response in the habitable planet. amounting to nothing. theater. And from my lips to God’s ears, it doesn’t take much to make me cry. But with How Cooper was given this responsibility is among the most ridiculous components A key element of this film is its focus on severe gravitational time dilation. The mission Interstellar, the only thing worth crying over is the time I wasted watching it. g of the film: a ubiquitous force sends a coded message through gravitational waves, must be accomplished as fast as possible because the three potential habitable planets have which discloses binary coordinates that lead him and his daughter to a covert NASA a close proximity to Gargantua (a black hole), which means every hour they experience is installation. And then, literally within minutes of his arrival, he becomes part of the equivalent to seven years on Earth. I felt like I could relate to this conflict while watching by katjaritchie Now that we’re all eager to haul ass to winter break while retaining as much sanity as possible, it’s likely that some among us have noticed how all the stress has taken its toll. Nights of sleep are whittled down to catnaps, appetites swell one day and vanish the next, and physical appearance is put on the backburner. Everyone copes with crunch time differently, and a few distinct species of students tend to emerge every time finals loom near. g

Resilient & Diligent The Sickday Shlump This rare and curious species seems not to pro- Stress and dropping temperatures are the per- duce much of a stress response to increases in work- fect storm for a gnarly cold. Having unscrupulously load and scheduling. Sightings of them can exacerbate squandered their allowed absences earlier in the se- the symptoms of more delicate, easily affected sub- mester, this species toughs it out for the homestretch. types. Their demeanor is often placid, even upbeat, and Most specimens appear to have rolled out of their Hot Mess, Pre-Test they possess a calculated approach to systematically deathbed and shuffled to campus as-is. Key charac- A species with delicate sensibilities that is high- confronting obligations. At times difficult to spot, this teristics are sweatpants in public (a sure sign of dis- ly affected by an increase in outside stressors, Hot species possesses a creative camouflage in which their tress), coupled with bedhead, audible nasal conges- Messes are likely to react impulsively to the difficul- appearance does not seem to suffer in the face of end- tion, and a clammy, feverish pallor. ties brought on at the end of the semester. Common of-semester adversity. Little is known of their psychol- behaviors in this subtype are a sudden change in ogy, so caution is certainly advised. appetite, increase in illicit substance consumption, Apathetic Academic loss of sleep, forgetfulness, and avoidance of obliga- A close relative to the Sickday Shlumpers, this tions. This is reflected in this species’ appearance by Busy Like a Boss subspecies bears a striking resemblance to their ailing a decline in personal hygiene and nonsensical attire Contrary to other species’ fashion sense taking the sister-species. The key difference is that these speci- choices (such as sleepwear, absurd or novelty items, hit from increased workloads, Busy Bosses heighten mens appear to be in passable health, observable by and/or ill-advised fashion risk-taking). their attention to appearance in hopes of also rais- their higher appetite, increased alertness, and overall ing morale. Common markings on females include lack of mucus production. Similar comfort-oriented bold lipstick, heeled boots, and winged eyeliner sharp attire is common, usually opting for sweats or gym enough to double as a lethal weapon (likely an evolu- outfits—however, whether or not a given Apathetic tionary self-defense mechanism), while the males often specimen has actually participated in a workout that are identified by slicked hair, fitted pants, and strategic day is often unclear. layering of collared shirts under textured sweaters.

It is with great sorrow that we announce the end of pumpkin spice season. The beloved spice that flavors our coffee, lattes, and the likes is now officially done for the year. Pumpkin spice season always seems too short lived; it feels like it started only a month or two ago, and its already gone. In that brief time the wonderful spice had managed to capture the love of so many. The delicious flavor spread from coffee drinks, to treats, to beer, and became so big that even Oreo had to get in on the pump- kin spice fever and create a new seasonal cookie. Beloved fans all had a similar reaction to the sad news about the end of the pumpkin spice season. There were many “I literal- ly died”, and “I can’t even”, and other phrases of the like swirling around at the realization that pumpkin spice’s time was up. When I hear the word “Christmas,” there No other flavor can ever create as much excitement as pumpkin is one image that immediately goes through my spice can. Chocolate gets a mere meh, vanilla is so basic, and even mind. No, my church-going readers, it is neither maple pales in comparison to the wonders of the delicious spice. the thought of a family sitting under the tree Alas, all good things must come to an end and we all will miss nor of jolly ol’ St. Nick sliding down the chim- pumpkin spice dearly. We will think about the delicious spice every ney. As a proud member of the Jewish religion, time we passive aggressively sip on peppermint mochas, or ginger- when I think of the wonderful festivities that ac- bread lattes in hopes that it will compare. So here’s looking at you company the 25th of December, I envision the pumpkin spice, you will be missed. g magical moment of getting on the phone at ap- proximately 11:37 AM and calling up my local Chinese restaurant. I am met by the warm voice of the phone tender at Shanghai Gourmet, ready noodles, superbly sautéed vegetables, and fairly fried beef, all corners of to help me complete the age-old, unofficial Jew- the food pyramid are included in this hearty meal. Preceded by a delicious ish tradition of eating Chinese food on Christ- hors d’oeuvre of chestnuts that have been carefully roasted on an open fire, mas Day. So, without further ado, here is a list this splendid traditional Chinese lunch or dinner is perfect for the special of choice Chinese cuisine to savor this holiday. occasion. By far my favorite American-Chinese food For those who are partial to omitting meat from their holiday, allow me dish of all time, the glistening, bright-orange to recommend the veggie hot and sour soup. Ideally, the world outside is poultry that is sesame chicken tops the list. sub-32 degrees and filled with flurries on a dreamy white Christmas. Inside When I open the Tupperware containing this the house, may the tasty soup fill you with warmth and love to share with treat, I know I am in for a wonderful afternoon. everyone around. The unique blend of both spice and sour provides even the A truly filling meal, this protein packed entrée most adventurous of Christmas eaters with a very peculiar delight. will line your stomach with absolute happiness. Although it may be simple, the final choice on my list of tasty treats is Akin to the glaze of the classic Christmas ham, oh-so-hard to resist: white rice. Like snowflakes falling gently upon the fro- the pure sugar sauce of the chicken pro- zen ground, the grains of steamed rice land one by one in an ever-inviting vides a special addition to what is a sure staple in the Christmas diet. mouth. Want to add some zest to your Christmas feast? Toss a little bit of soy sauce onto If you are looking to have some variety in your dish on this wintry after- the rice, turning what was once just a simple appetizer into a deluxe first course. One bite, noon, look no further than the succulent beef lo mein. With beautifully boiled and your palate has now been taken to holiday heaven. g overheard a conversation in b-town? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? tell the ear and we’ll print it. uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html To my millionaire: Is this the second time around? The Grundle Where we give each other signals, Knowledgable female: Boys are stupid. There are a lot of But none of them can be found? cute boys. Your funny and kind, The sweltering depths of Waterman someone on campus catch your eye? I’d like for you to be mine Girl 1: Have you seen this picture of Kim Kardashian? It’s couldn’t get a name? But school can really get you on that grind... all over the internet for some reason. submit your love anonymously Girl 2: (looks) Why? So she’s got a big oily butt... who cares? uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html They say history tends to repeat itself And all the signs say this is true, Simpson Dining Hall But it seems like you’ve just put me on the dusty, top shelf. Male to his friends: I’d go gay for cornbread, I’m telling you... You were wearing a scarf at the E.P. We’re with each other a hell of a lot You didn’t remember me It probable helps Oh ok. No, it’s fine... really. Don’t worry about it. That I think you’re kind of hot. In a few weeks time, we had found our rhyme So puff your chest a little bit more In Vauban finding vegan friends and foes Touch my shoulder when you laugh, Do you like to write? That girl named Marketa who goes and goes. I won’t be a bore. Draw? Talk about the crazy shit that hap- Neighborhood cats and crepes Accidental footies under the table is always kinda cute Felixes all over the place. But seriously keep flirting pens to you? Wir wandern im der Schwarzwald Your point isn’t mute. Maybe write about all that crazy That indecipherable techno song ... what’s it called? They say drunk thoughts are sober truths shit? We are back in the mountains that are green Well let me just say you’ve been talking And I don’t wanna make a scene... The truth is transparent, and I ain’t a sleuth. But now you remember my face My best friend; I just want to give you an embrace Give me sign the next time we meet Talk about Thanksgiving or international travel the water tower When: Last year and a few minutes ago And if you like beets. Where: nice places I saw: A friendly tall boy If you’re reading this hopefully you know it’s you I am: A happy friend I’ve dropped enough hints... What more could I do?

Out of sheer frustration, When: Repeated interaction Or maybe it was procrastination, Where: On campus, in my mind I moved my furniture. I saw: The hope of a clear, definitive signal I am: Wishing for something a little more than friends I’ve been down and fatigued And totally not intrigued With all my class materials. We’re best friends. We hang out 24/7. My mind strays ahead We’ve acknowledged our mutual feelings. Where I’m laying in my bed Our friends tell us to get together. With my dog, in my house. But you’re hesitant. I’m bad with words, I can’t wait to eat Which is why this poem is so bad. All the stuffing and meat But please realize Thanksgiving has to offer. I want you like mad. As far a school goes, When: All wants you! I’d rather not be here though, Where: Day I’ll miss all my friends. I saw: Every I am: Day We meet on Vacation is less than one week away Tuesdays @ 7:30 pm So let me just say, “Hip-hip, hooray!” And drive home. in the Jost Foundation Room, Davis When: Daydreams Center Where: Classes I saw: A world of wonder Bring your shit ... we want to hear I am: A homesick joe-schmoe about it.

remember to check out the overflow on the blog! thewatertower.tumblr.com by katjaritchie

People are always going to hate on “Style,” which is the honest-to-god Taylor Swift. This is a universal truth. track title because Taylor does not give a However, 1989 has brought a change of fuck, is about getting roped back into the heart for some, leaving diehard fans to “on-again,” a dark drive home that ends reapply their red lipstick and winged eye- up winding down a much more tantaliz- liner while chanting a chorus of “I told ing road. “You’ve got that James Dean, y ou s o.” daydream look in your eye, and I’ve got I’ve been with Taylor since her “don’t that red lip, classic thing that you like” let anyone find out I’m from Pennsylvania starts us off easy, but by “You’ve got that and not Nashville” days. Swift is putting long hair, slicked-back, white T-shirt, and more and more distance between herself I’ve got that good-girl faith and a tight lit- and her country roots. If 2012’s Red was tle skirt,” the world has been divided into testing the waters, 1989 is a cannonball: two types of people: ones that are dizzy there is not a single shred of banjo, forced with thoughts of their own dangerous Southern drawl, or acoustic midnight someone, and fucking liars. The saga con- yearning to be found. Thank god. tinues with the uncertain and fast-paced Don’t get me wrong, homegirl is still “Out of the Woods,” and finishes with the prone to delusions of grandeur. Since ethereally refreshing “Clean,” a sure favor- stalking and befriending model/human ite on the album. scarecrow Karlie Kloss (even SoulCycling “Blank Space” is the masterpiece with side by side at the same posh gym), Taylor the delirious, beautiful-disaster, Great- decided her next move was to open her Gatsby-plus-iPhones video. There is al- newest album with an ode to the city that ways respect in my heart for those who never sleeps (seeing as she’s spent like the can own their insanity, and even more past six months there or whatever). to Swift for responding directly to the “Welcome to New York” boasts with bullshit that women should be wary of surging synthesizers that “it’s been wait- their passion, lest being labeled “crazy”— ing for you,” “you can love who you want,” but, of course, wandering too far to the and basically that it’s the most freeing other end of the spectrum makes you a place in the whole world. The whole thing frigid bitch. Misandry, killer hooks, and smacks of overblown, unfounded fantasy. lyrics that bring everyone—everyone— She is, however, donating all the royal- back to those times they definitely felt like ties from the track to benefit NYC public they were pulling an Orange is the New schools, which is fortunate because it’s the most positive thing that could be said about Black style, Morello-breaking-into-her-pretend-boyfriend’s-window scenario? Snaps, the song. Taylor. Snaps. For those who were hoping Swift’s evolution would spread to her subject matter, my Overall, the feel of 1989 is airy but bold, confident yet dangerous, with enough condolences. This album is about Harry Styles. Once you get past the fact that Taylor is pointed breakup references to please the longtime Swift lovers and a musical departure a grown-ass woman pining so hard for a teenage boy (or ignore that detail, which has to ensnare unwitting new fans. Call it industrialized or mainstream all you want, but worked for me), the standout tracks are (unsurprisingly) infectious and even sexy, a don’t you dare say Taylor Swift doesn’t know exactly what she’s doing. g word I have never used to describe anything by Taylor Swift before.

by jessebaum

Every year, there is a song or an album of the sum- present Love’s Crushing Diamond, the sound of the sum- I first saw Mutual Benefit opening for a band called mer, and I am left to wonder, why? Is it because the mer in a kinder world. Wild Beasts (don’t worry, they were tame). The lead sunny weather implies happiness and happiness sells The album, Mutual Benefit’s first full LP, is a well- singer, Jordan Lee, was trashed. Every time he would better than whatever the emotion is that winter evokes constructed melodic canoe ride of auditory pleasure. If pick up the mic, he would slur complete nonsense for a (contemplation about The End), and is therefore simply you’ve ever listened to Fleet Foxes and thought, “wow, few minutes. Regardless of Lee’s toxicity, Mutual Bene- better in a hypercapitalist society? Is it because fit’s sound was incredible. It is a really meticulous relentless autotune gets some people off, along “Mutual Benefit’s first full LP is a well-con- album (But seriously, listen to this thing in order), with beats that squirm like the ultimate earworm that features windchimes and harmonies that will into the folds of my brain? Is it because no one structed canoe ride of auditory pleasure.” make you sigh, just a little bit. It also features ex- can think of something that rhymes better with cessive vamping, a phenomenon Pandora insists G6 than… G6? this really isn’t melodic enough,” or “damn, I think I that I love. It is my belief that we can fight said madness with could be brought to tears with staggering audible gor- So just call your guy, get just a bit spacey, and listen music that gets stuck in your head without any sane hu- geousness a little more thoroughly,” then you should se- to this album. At the very least, it will never have a mu- man wanting to gouge it out once it’s there. To this end I riously give Love’s Crushing Diamond a listen. sic video set in a high school made about it. g Are you still listening, UVemcees??? Hip-hop hamstrings feel- ing limber? ‘Cuz it wouldn’t be another week at the water tower without some wicked spittins! Still feels lonely up here on center stage…waiting for others to snatch the mic. Send me your raps, on my topics or on any topic! Even on no top- ic! Just go off! But until that happens, I’m still here, and this by leonardbartenstein week, we reject Grad School.

“I know how this place works,” said Daverson. “Re- I woke up this morning in a puddle of my own piss member, I used to be a cop here, too, before I left the Muddlin’ my own wits, flesh but I feel boneless. forc e …” What the fuck world is this? Must be soulless “And remember how none of us really want you Tryin’ to be what I can be but cash is what bestows bliss. back anymore for this exact attitude?” I know my brain has grown fit, fuck it, I ain’t worth shit “I just need the public records.” Diploma built on blunt facts, so roll it up and burn hits “Then you need to speak with Carol, who catalogs Cuz I’m worthless, job market doesn’t serve kids the public records. I thought you used to be a cop, who Without degrees that cost an arm and leg and cervix. worked here. Don’t you remember Carol? Don’t you re- I take the GRE, it takes a pee on me, member that, at least?” Like porn from Germany, but at least their school’s free! Her words stung deep, like a wasp who overestimat- M.A., M.F.A. M.E., M.D., ed the amount of force it would take to break a person’s J.D., Ph.D., when will we really be free? skin, and plunged half their abdomen into the larger The machine is broken, here’s how you steal it’s tokens: creature’s arm in a folly attempt at ferocity, ending only One, find work that pays you to keep school-soakin’; in the death of the wasp itself and some minor irritation Two, take twenty years off, I ain’t jokin’; on the part of the human—that is, unless they were al- Three, fuck ambition, hit the beach, and stay tokin’. lergic to wasp stings, in which case the outcome would Don’t let the system make you feel less than your worth, be much different. Cuz there are infinite things that you can do on this Grant straightened himself out and walked down earth. the hallway to the office, leaving the hurtful words of by unemployed wonder-grad Kerry Martin his ex-department-mate behind him. He instead turned to Carol, who, in her hiked-up khaki slacks and floral Next issue, we light up Half-Assing Religious Holidays. print blouse looked absolutely stellar, the makeup caked Please write raps and contribute, however long or short they on her face giving her just a bit more color than would are! Send your lines to [email protected] with be necessary to convince someone that she wasn’t just a your favorite rapper in the subject line. Submissions are due fleshy corpse. Her wrinkles moved more than her head by Tuesday, September 16th. The best student rapper of the did when she turned to watch Grant enter the file room. semester gets a fabulous prize! g “Grant,” she said in a low, scratchy, monotonous, librari- an-esque voice. “What a surprise and… pleasure.” “And the same to you, as always,” returned Grant. “What do you think you’re doing here, Daverson?” “Look,” he continued, leaning on her desk as if he and asked Diana Pembleton, waving her nightstick in his she were great old friends, though there was no doubt, by general direction. “I thought I made it very clear how her mannerisms, that they could not be considered more far I wanted you to stay away from me and my investiga- than old acquaintances, or perhaps old work-chums. “I tions.” need all you have on Rachael Valencé. If you…” “Yeah,” said Daverson, fidgeting with an unlit ciga- Before he could finish, she produced a thick file rette in his mouth. “You went to a few more decimal and plopped it on her places than I thought desk in front of him. This first time that I saw the red, were really significant.” “‘that hurts,’ said daverson, ‘like a bee “Here,” she growled. I cried and then emailed my friend. “When it comes to sting hurts. when you step on a nest “After that whole We used secret fonts, getting away from you,” bang-up with her sis- Fearing hacker taunts, said Pembleton, dismis- on a hot day at a fourth of july pic- ter, I figured you’d What pursued, my most embarrassing thread. sively to Grant, “it could be coming for it.” never be more signifi- nic, and you squeal...” She slid it across the c ant .” desk to him, where it I leaned to retrieve a book. “That hurts,” said brushed his fingers, Daverson, “like a bee sting hurts. When you step on Everyone at the table looked: like the tendrils of seaweed on a timid swimmer’s leg “Girl look at that ass,” a nest on a hot day at a Fourth of July picnic, and you in a dirty lake where they didn’t want to go swimming squeal like a small child, suddenly it’s not only your foot I ran off to class, in the first place, they were just pushed into it by their The butt of the comment I took. that hurts but your pride as well.” friends—but not literally, just the peer pressure kind of “That’s what I want to hear,” said Pembleton, coolly pushed, not the physical kind of push. “Have fun.” giving him an icy gaze. “Oh, well,” said Grant, picking up the sizeable folder. Off I snuck to my parents’ shower. “I am here for public records,” said Daverson, a “I do love our conversations,” he said, “and I look for- In haste, I crept at a dark hour. smug smile smothering his face. “And you can’t deter ward to seeing your resplendent form sometime very Wielding the blade, me from that.” soon.” He winked at her and it was not a good thing for Anti-hair attack made: “They’re down the hallway to the left,” said Pemble- either of them. They were both uncomfortable with this. My legs, how they bled, and I cowered. ton, narrowing her eyes like the slits of a cat’s pupils, di- So he left. g lating in the light. In the morning, to the mirror I shot Made out with a boy on a bed, An unexpected clothing mishap: On my forehead: a glaring red spot Our next meeting I did most dread, Got dressed, couldn’t make my jeans snap Under my skin, felt it cooking I wanted to kiss, Seemingly overnight I’m sure everyone’s looking But he just looked pissed, Not wanting to risk searching the web, My hips had expanded, out of sight The disgrace on my face, one gross dot. So I ran and my face turned all red. I turned to movie night instead: Body changes deserve their bad rap. Under the radar I passed Ogling ScarJo’s sweet ass The vocal cords play their own game And thought of it later in bed. The highs and the lows went and came My body’s changing My first boyfriend was but two weeks, I once used my brother’s laptop The least of my dating streaks. My voice re-arranging What I found surely made my jaw drop Being thirteen really is lame. Held hands a bit, Files of porn Then that was it: “O” faces of scorn It seemed our love did hastily peak. Curious, I hit “play” instead of “stop.” with collincappelle

ben berrick, art editor extraodinaire

Lyric of the (Bi)Week: “Here I stand In the light of day Let the storm rage on, The cold never bothered me anyway!” -Let It Go (So this is originally from Frozen, but my favorite version is by Oney and Psychicpebbles. Look it up on )