Mutual Desire in the Therapeutic Relationship
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Volume 14 l Issue 3 l Autumn 2014 Mutual Desire in the Therapeutic Relationship by Antonia Colom-Timlin Introduction rotic transference (ET) and Ecountertransference (ECT) have received media attention through the series ‘In Treatment’ and movies such as ‘Mr Jones’, ‘Basic Instinct’ and ‘A Dangerous Method’. They dramatically portray therapists breaking boundaries and entangled in sexual relationships with their clients, over-simplifying the often misunderstood concepts of ET and ECT. Even amongst therapists there is an apparent tendency to view ET/ ECT as sexual attraction only, when in fact they are so much more. Understanding the word ‘erotic’, derived from the Greek term ‘Eros’ (love), is key to fully grasping the true meaning of ET/ECT, which also include feelings of unconditional love and affection (paramount to building the therapeutic relationship). In fact, Mann (1997) views love and ET/ECT as one and the same. Yet in the literature, ET/ ECT have been described as “erotic effectively (which proved hard to understanding of ET/ECT to feelings horror” (Kumin, 1985), “concepts find) are laid out, as well as some of sexual attraction. While they do that have long been difficult and current perceptions and research. include sexual feelings, constraining mysterious” (Rachman et al., 2009) Finally, a small research study erotic phenomena to these would or “the taboo which silences” is presented (with a total of 63 be doing them a great disservice. (Stirzaker, 2000). Research participants), which explored the Therefore, an exploration of the consistently shows that ET/ECT attitudes of accredited therapists in concept of Eros seems important are commonplace; yet cause Ireland towards the concepts of ET and necessary to clarify the vast uneasiness and avoidance amongst and ECT. array of dynamics (not only sexual) therapists, even from core trainings. Eros and the erotic that occur in the ET/ECT. Eros There is an apparent and surprising In popular culture today, the word (Greek god of love) is a complex lack of guidelines on how to deal ‘erotic’ is arguably and primarily term, which can be hard to define. with ET/ECT effectively. In this linked to sensuality and sexual Mann (1997) clarifies the meaning article, the concepts of ‘Eros’ and pleasure, which could limit our of ‘erotic’ and sees no distinction the ‘erotic’ are explored in order to clarify any over-simplifications of ET n the meaning of ‘erotic’ [there is] no distinction and ECT, together with a review of I between erotic transference and normal love, the literature. Some recommended viewing them as one and the same. guidelines in dealing with these Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy 19 Volume 14 l Issue 3 l Autumn 2014 between erotic transference and ros is at the heart of all curiosity and desire, all normal love, viewing them as one E creative activity, all commitments to sustain and and the same. All expressions of enhance life, all attempts to share who we are with love generally come under the umbrella of Eros and “Eros leads others, all community building. us into development, complexity ET as a client’s open declaration of ET on a scale ranging from the and unity. It binds, bonds, creates love to the therapist. It is ‘unreal’, milder type (positive fondness/ and is also the ‘mischief maker’ entirely induced by the analytical affection) to the most severe, which (Freud, 1923)” (Mann, 2012, p. situation, and a manifestation of he called eroticised transference 11). It is the longing and desire that the client’s resistance. He views (intense sexual obsession with the drives us to transcend ourselves it as powerful analytical material therapist). This suggests that ET/ towards completion, seeking union that has to be worked through to ECT can be a positive and necessary (Harvey, 1997) and is intimately get to its unconscious roots. He condition for therapy to succeed. related to the term ‘agape’, on defines ECT as the therapist’s Mann (1997) agrees, suggesting that, which Rogers (1962) based his erotic/amorous reaction to the apart from eroticised transference, concept of unconditional positive client, considering it a direct threat ET is an essential part of therapy regard. Ahlgren (2005) defines Eros to analysis, advising therapists and life; an ever-present dynamic beautifully: to repress it. He is clear on the in every relationship regardless of The deeply human urge dangers of reciprocating the client’s gender or age, and one of life’s most to form connections, … to ‘unreal’ love, and warns that there transformative experiences. He work together, to reach is not a therapist who experiences believes that working through ECT beyond oneself and dissolve this who would “find it easy to retain can enable the client to experience boundaries of selfhood, to bind his grasp on the analytic situation” a different and transformative up wounds and restore life, (p.161). Some believe that Freud’s reaction, facilitating change and to move … toward wholeness, demonization of ECT has prevailed development. Bridges (1998) ... Eros is at the heart of all for almost a century, which put description of eroticized transference curiosity and desire, all creative a lid on future examination of is useful: therapeutic Eros, keeping it hidden activity, all commitments to Clinical work often evokes under a veil (Mann, 1999, Stirzaker, sustain and enhance life, all strong feelings including 2000, Bodenheimer, 2010). Eickhoff attempts to share who we are attraction and sexual arousal, (1993) argues that this was as a with others, all community in our patients and ourselves. building (p. 37). direct result of Freud’s worries over the many ‘transgressions’ of It is to be expected. Often, Is this not, precisely, what we are his male contemporaries with their these feelings signal important trying to achieve with our clients? female patients, referred by Springer information about our patients’ If the ‘erotic’ is ever present in (1995) as ‘incest on the couch’. development and relational the intimacy of the therapeutic He believes that Freud’s paper on difficulties, and about relationship, then we need to transference-love might have been a ourselves, and the therapeutic understand it and address it openly direct reaction to Jung’s affair with work to be done (p. 218). as a force that is a very natural part his patient Sabina and to Ferenczi’s It could be argued, in relation of our work; not something that with his patient Elma (and later with to eroticised transference, that should be avoided. This broader Elma’s mother Gizella!). Freud’s often clients’ experiences of love view of the ‘erotic’ (which goes stance on ET/ECT remains unclear (in childhood and beyond) might way beyond just sexual attraction) though; he does state, in a letter to not have been healthy. Love may normalises and expands the much- Jung in 1906, that psychoanalysis have been confused with sex, avoided and often misunderstood is a cure effected through love, manipulation, idealisation, power, concepts of ET and ECT, defined but he never elaborates on this pleasing, etc. Therefore, working next. thereafter. This, again, reinforces through whatever erotic feelings Erotic Transference and that erotic phenomena goes way (whether loving or sexual) might Countertransference beyond just sexual attraction. be present in the room could be a The concepts of ET and ECT In the more recent literature, huge facilitator for growth, hopefully originate from Freud’s (1915) paper the role of ET/ECT has been helping clients to love (themselves on transference-love. He describes demystified. Blum (1973) classifies and others) in healthier ways. 20 Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy Volume 14 l Issue 3 l Autumn 2014 Managing Erotic and can be initially startling and of transference phenomena” (p.267). Transference and disorientating for trainees; educated Spilly (2008), in her own literature Countertransference to listen to their physical sensations review, learns that the therapist What do we do when we experience in the room (emotional stirring, heat, should find a proper balance between strong feelings of love or attraction arousal in the body); offered models empathy and objectivity (Gabbard, for a client? And when a client has of therapeutic action; facilitated in 1994) and accept the transference these feelings towards us? Whereas increasing their ability to tolerate without seducing the client or there is a vast amount of literature and work through intense sexual avoiding the subject all together dedicated to managing general states; and assisted in considering (Kumin, 1985). She recommends transference, it was surprisingly how to deal with the ECT (whether therapists achieve a level of comfort difficult to find a set of clear to discuss openly with clients or not). with erotic dynamics, as well as guidelines in relation to managing Bridges suggests a list of helpful seeking support through supervision, erotic phenomena safely and questions, such as: ‘What do these peer groups or personal therapy. efficiently, and even less on how to feelings tell you about your client’s Hudson-Allez (2006) link ET/ deal with erotisised transference developmental issues, needs and ECT with attachment and suggest (ie: when a client falls madly in love wishes?’ ‘Do these feelings defend knowledge of attachment theory is with their therapist). Freud’s (1915) against more difficult feelings such as needed. advice was therapist abstinence, rage, terror, denial of vulnerability? Current Perceptions and believing therapists should interpret ‘Do these feelings represent an Research the patient’s ET (without satisfying unconscious desire to love and be In a UK study on therapists’ loving/ it or rejecting it) by behaving like a loved?’ ‘Do they signal a reenactment erotic feelings for clients, Stirzaker detached expert, and suppress their of earlier trauma or abuse by a (2000) sent 107 questionnaires ECT completely.