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— The Fishing Guide to the Stars — 1 I met Kramer Wetzel in early 1996. He told me that my life would soon change dramatically, but in very good ways. The next day my mother died. Six weeks later he was back on the radio show I produced. When I told him what happened he looked at my chart again and said, “Dude, looking at it in other ways, at least you’re in the right place to really launch your radio career...they love you here.” The next day I got fired. And started to look into spending the last few dollars I had on a hit man to bump off an astrologer I knew. Turns out that he had put the wrong year on my chart so all his readings were off. The moral to the story? When you’re telling Kramer your birthday info don't try and do it over the enchanting hiss of a jumbo sized can of fix o’ flat. He was doing some home improvements...the single–wide had a flat, was therefore leaning, and was therefore making his CD changer skip. An eclectic blend of The Grateful Dead, Fatboy Slim, Hank III, and Mozart is all the more chaotic with rampant skipping. I should’ve picked a better time to give him my information. These things happen, as with all aspects of life, timing is everything. But the man does know romance. He’s given me advice on every female who has crossed my path since our friendship’s conception. Actually, most of the advice has all come down to one word... “Run.” Run hard, run fast, run silent, run deep. But run. Run like Mexican H20 through a Nebraskan Spring Breaker. But the key word was “Run.” And he was always right. But I turned him onto cigars, so he owes me to help me find “the one.” Oh wait...he set me up with my own web page, www.astrowhore.org. So I guess he doesn’t owe me squat. Good think I kidnapped his cat on the way out of the trailer for some leverage. Who’s your daddy now, bitch? Read on. The boy’s good. And I use that word in the loosest of definitions. The word, “boy,” that is. The “good” part I meant. And no, he’s not paying me to say any of this. Hell, the guy still owes me $17. — Bubba Sean www.astrowhore.org 2 — The Fishing Guide to the Stars — Preface: Dedicated to Bubba Ben, Bubba Bill, Bubba Blaine, Bubba Dave, Bubba Greg, Bubba Mark, Bubba Pat, Bubba Sean, Bubba Troy, and that one special girl in Texas.... Fishing Through the zodiac, looking for love: Aries.................................................................................................5 Taurus ............................................................................................18 Gemini ...........................................................................................32 Cancer ............................................................................................46 Leo .................................................................................................60 Virgo ..............................................................................................74 Libra...............................................................................................88 Scorpio.........................................................................................102 Sagittarius ....................................................................................116 Capricorn .....................................................................................130 Aquarius.......................................................................................144 Pisces ...........................................................................................159 The Fine Print ..............................................................................175 “Hey Bubba, did you get your trolling motor back from your ex–wife?” — The Fishing Guide to the Stars — 3 Introduction Gonzo Astrology — I encountered the term “gonzo journalism” sometime back in the late 1970s, and it influenced me enough to call my old racing team, “F & L Racing.” It stood for Fear & Loathing, an obvious allusion to the work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson that has influenced a great deal of what I have encountered. Now the term, Gonzo Journalism, might have been merely a marketing label applied to certain small branch of writing emerging from a turbulent era of history, but the definition, as I understand it, means “journalism with no perspective on the subject at all.” I use the term to describe the kind of astrology that I practice. I have a chart. The person that I’m reading for has a chart. The two charts interact, much like a compatibility profile, or a synastry analysis. No two ways about it, either, not to me. I’ve encountered a number of astrologers who all try to remain objective and do deep psychological work with astrology. That’s nice; works for them. The information is certainly there, but this is humanity and most clients are looking for two big questions to be answered: “When will I find a relationship?” and “Will this relationship work out all right?” What you hold in your hand is a text that attempts to demythologize some arcane astrology stuff and make it all simple. Look, Astrology is a sacred science and a viable art form, practiced for the last couple of millennia, and now it’s up to you to figure a little bit of this out, and how you can make it work for you. Pretty simply put, Astrology is a language, a set of signs and metaphors. How these signs interact is kind of like putting a puzzle together. This text isn’t about some of the arcane subsets of astrology, it isn’t about how the psychological process works. It’s about “Girl meets boy, girl gets boy, girl loses boy” and why that happens. Which ones stick around, which ones don’t, and what are the odds on making it work? I’ve covered Texas from the New Mexico border to the Deep East Texas Bayous, from Oklahoma to the Gulf Coast and Mexico, and I figure that this includes a fair representation of humanity as we all understand it. Some of my allusions and references are drawn from literature while other sources include day–to–day activities associated with living in Texas. 4 — The Fishing Guide to the Stars — Using this text So it’s the New Age. Rather embark upon a discussion about the Age of Aquarius and its ramifications, or, for that matter, exactly when it all started, let’s skip to the meat. If ya’ll are vegan, the meat of the message is the same, it’s the juicy part of the vegetable. Despite my New Age, liberal leanings, I still maintain that male and female versions of each sign differ. Look up your sign, then look your target’s sign. Your “target” can be a real target, a person you’re considering as a target, a spouse, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a life–mate, a significant other, your boss, your cubicle mate, or, in my case, the cat. If you know more about the target’s chart, perhaps you know the birthday and have an inkling as to what sign the Moon is in, of maybe the person has a giant cluster of planets in particular place in the chart to lend a strong flavor to the chart, then compare your sign with that flavor. Some work. Some people are dead ringers for their signs. Other people look like the Moon Sign, Ascendant, or maybe a stellium of planets in one particular slice of their sky. Any mistakes in the text? All mine. — The Fishing Guide to the Stars — 5 Aries guys: ram tough, this is the hard chargin’ sign of the truck. So it’s the first sign out of the wheel, what is it? Cardinal Fire, ruled by Mr. Mars, the God of War. Tough buggers, that’s the Aries Energy. Headstrong, stubborn, and those are the good qualities. Aries fish with dynamite. Nothing subtle here. Shopping at 3:00 AM: Precision Shopping. Even in an induced stupor at three in the morning, the Aries knows what he wants, and the Aries gets what he is looking for. Nothing will deter him from this mission. Since Mars rules cutting instruments, being the Roman God of War, you can expect a surgical strike on the grocery store at 3:00 AM. A popular Aries food is the olive, which has been stuffed with a Serrano Pepper. Make sure that's on the list for the 3:00 AM Food Strike Force. Brick Wall: Just as the symbol for Aries is the Ram, and just as the glyph for Aries is the Ram's Horns, Aries is very straightforward about problem resolution. They are very direct. Put a brick wall in front of an Aries, and he will charge straight into it. He will just lower his head, and bang away on that brick surface until something cracks. Like as not, it will be the wall. Aries are accused of being stubborn, but that's not really the case. There is a certain amount of determination that comes with them, though, and they do charge headlong into that brick wall every time. Bait: Live shad — see, an Aries fish needs something that wiggles, and let's face facts, in some cases –– and Aries is just such a case –– no artificial bait can replace that special movement you can only get with a live one. For the non–technical folks, we call it action. Aries needs action, activity, and agility in order to get caught. Nothing works better than live shad for big redfish. Body part: Head and face. Aries Female and .... 6 — The Fishing Guide to the Stars — Aries: Aries female and Aries male is a good combination because both partners are very much alike, although that may be a source of discord in the relationship due to the similarities. Aries is a Cardinal Sign, the first one out of the gate, a strong self–starter and self–promoter. Occasionally, in this relationship, the problem will be that the two people feel so much alike that there is friction caused by the “perception” that the mate just doesn’t get it. Whatever “it” is, needs some clarification. Because both of the partners are Fire Signs, look for a high degree of passion and physical love being expressed in this combination.

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