BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 1
Batman Vs. The Joker On Zoom By Emily Hageman
BATMAN He’s Batman
JOKER He’s the Joker
ROBIN He’s Robin
SETTING: Over Zoom.
AT RISE: Batman is getting ready to call someone over Zoom.
(BATMAN checks himself out, fixing his mask. Maybe he moves some things behind him so he has a better background. Please note, Batman always uses his Batman voice.)
BATMAN (hero voice) Ah ha, got you now! (normal voice) No, no, ugh, that looked stupid… (hero voice) Ah ha, got you now! (normal voice) Do my nostrils always flare like that? (hero voice) Ah ha, got you--ah ha, got you--ah ha, got--
ROBIN (off camera) How many pizza rolls do you want?
BATMAN I don’t want any--I’m doing something, leave me alone!
ROBIN (off camera) BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 2
Are you sure? There was a really good sale at Safeway. They’re the triple meat kind.
BATMAN STOP INTERRUPTING ME, THE CITY NEEDS ME.
(Robin enters, wearing an apron.)
ROBIN Chill out, the city doesn’t need anything except more toilet paper. You know, I went to Walmart this morning at 7:45 and they were totally sold out? Ugh. People. Good thing Lucius created that toilet paper machine that turns all of your old suits into TP.
BATMAN Wait, what??? He’s turning my suits into toilet paper?
ROBIN Oh, come on, you have like thirty suits and you only ever wear two.
BATMAN The others don’t fit. I’m too ripped.
ROBIN We both know that’s not true, Batman. We’ve both been getting fat during this quarantine.
BATMAN SPEAK FOR YOURSELF! I’m as muscular as a bat! Always have been, always will be! And TAKE OFF THAT RIDICULOUS APRON, YOU LOOK LIKE A FOOL.
ROBIN Excuse me for protecting my garments from kitchen mishaps! Look, do you want pizza rolls or not?
BATMAN First of all, obviously I want pizza rolls, I always want pizza rolls--
ROBIN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 3
Well, excuse me, but I didn’t want to assume. Last time I did that and set up that villian encounter with the Penguin, you got all cranky with me, even though you’re the one who’s always like “surprise me, surprise me, I gotta stay on my toes”--
BATMAN Look, I LIKE TO WRITE THINGS DOWN IN MY DAY PLANNER, OKAY?
ROBIN The one with a unicorn on it?
BATMAN It is not a unicorn. It’s a beautiful horse.
ROBIN … with a horn.
BATMAN SO WHAT? Is it SO WRONG to enjoy a beautiful, mythical creature? You know what, forget it, I don’t even want pizza rolls so never mind and go away.
ROBIN Wait… what are you doing? Is your camera on?
BATMAN No, no, it’s not, I’m just--
ROBIN Batman, I told you, nobody wants to see you sing karaoke! Have you heard your speaking voice? Your singing voice is not any better!
BATMAN Okay, you are a very hurtful person, my voice is unique and beautiful, and because you are being so DEEPLY UNKIND TO ME, I’m not going to tell you.
ROBIN Aww, come on, Batman, don’t be like that.
BATMAN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 4
No. You hurt my feelings even worse than that time you totally got kidnapped by Catwoman on purpose just to stress me out.
ROBIN Um, okay, I most definitely did not do that on purpose…
BATMAN HOW ABOUT YOU STOP TRYING TO GET BETWEEN US, ROBIN? She clearly likes me.
ROBIN Uh. She clearly beats you up a lot, not sure about her liking you…
BATMAN She’s totally crushing on me. I can tell from her punches that she thinks I’m as hot as a bat.
ROBIN Nobody thinks bats are hot. Even less so now that they probably caused the coronavirus.
BATMAN WHATEVER!!! That’s not even true, it’s just a hurtful rumor. Everybody knows that when you get bitten by a bat you get superpowers, which is what happened to me.
ROBIN … I mean, you got bitten by a bat a few weeks ago and had to get a rabies shot, but--?
BATMAN AND. It gave me super powers.
ROBIN K. Pretty sure it didn’t. Anyways, are you really going to keep pouting and not tell me what you’re doing?
BATMAN I can do whatever I want. I am Batman. I am the night. I am the man who is so overcome with toxic masculinity that he runs around in a rubber costume punching people in the face all night so I don’t have to think about my feelings.
BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 5
ROBIN Aww, come on, Batman, tell me.
BATMAN Noooo.
ROBIN Please??
BATMAN Noooooo!
ROBIN Pretty please with sugar on top?
BATMAN NO AMOUNT OF SUGAR CAN WIN ME OVER DURING THIS PAINFUL TIME IN MY LIFE WHERE MY BEST SIDEKICK BETRAYED ME.
ROBIN I’ll make you some taquitos.
BATMAN … and pizza rolls?
ROBIN Yes, and pizza rolls.
BATMAN … and can we have ice cream after?
ROBIN Yes, but only if you don’t yell at me for enabling your non-keto style of eating tomorrow.
BATMAN Batman doesn’t need to eat keto. Batman is the night. The night eats whatever it wants to. That’s why it’s so vast.
ROBIN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 6
… k. So tell me what you’re doing?
BATMAN Fine, if you must know, the Joker and I are going to fight over Zoom.
ROBIN …
BATMAN Zoom is a web-based video conferencing tool with a local, desktop client and a mobile app that allows users to meet online, with or without video. Zoom users can choose to record sessions, collaborate on projects, and share or annotate on one another's screens, all with one easy-to-use platform. Try Zoom now to learn more about the products and benefits that this amazing new app has to offer--
ROBIN I KNOW WHAT ZOOM IS. I’m just trying to figure out… why.
BATMAN BECAUSE. He’s going to do illegal things. And I’m going to stop him.
ROBIN Okay, but, like… how.
BATMAN Through the art… of verbal persuasion.
ROBIN But… you are not good at talking. I cannot understand what you are saying like 95% of the time.
BATMAN (Batman voice is completely unintelligible) WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND ME IT’S NOT MY FAULT I NEED TO DISGUISE MY VOICE BY MAKING IT GRAVELLY SO QUIT JUDGING ME ALREADY I HATE YOU
ROBIN … K. So--he’s just gonna like… call you? And you’re gonna like… BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 7
BATMAN Trade verbal barbs. I’m gonna tear him down psychologically. I’ve been practicing. Listen to this: Your mom is so fat, she’s probably alive unlike my mom who died when I was eight AHHHHH MOMMY I MISS YOU SO MUCH PLEASE COME BACK TO YOUR LITTLE BRUCEYYYYYY. (Batman dissolves into tears. He then recovers.) See? Devastating. He won’t be able to recover from the thought of his DEAD PARENTS LYING IN AN ALLEYWAY, WAKE UP, DADDY, YOU CAN’T DIE, IT WILL ONLY INFLUENCE ME TO BECOME AN EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE MAN WHO DRESSES UP LIKE A BAT AND PUNCHES PEOPLE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT DESERVE IT WAHHHHH! (He is crying again, but then recovers.)
ROBIN … your plan may need some work.
BATMAN WHATEVER. I don’t have to listen to what you say. You’re just a dumb orphan.
ROBIN Um, so are you????
BATMAN I AM???? OH NO, I’M HAVING A FLASHBACK, MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYEBALLS, WAHHHHH!
(JOKER is calling.)
ROBIN Okay, okay, get yourself together--look, he’s calling!
BATMAN HE IS??? Oh no, oh no, I’m not ready--how do I look?
ROBIN … like a dude who’s been crying for five minutes straight.
BATMAN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 8
NOOOO!!! Maybe my red puffy eyes will scare him. Ohhhhh, I’m nervous!! What do I say? Hi, thank you for coming to my TedTalk?
ROBIN Why would you say that????
BATMAN I DON’T KNOW, I’M NERVOUS.
ROBIN Just--say something foreboding! Something scary--the scariest thing you can think of!
BATMAN Okay, okay, alright. Alright. Here we go. HERE WE GO, I AM AMPED, I AM READY, I’M THE DARK KNIGHT. BAM.
(Batman answers the call and immediately yells:)
BATMAN (cont.) COVID 19. COUGH COUGH. I DON’T WASH MY HANDS.
JOKER …
ROBIN …
BATMAN …
ROBIN (whispers) Why did you say that??
BATMAN (whispers) You said say the scariest thing I could think of!
JOKER BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 9
Um. Okay. Hi.
BATMAN Yeah. Hi. As in HIDE. As in you BETTER HIDE FROM ME. I’m Batman.
JOKER Yeah. You sure are. So what are you like expecting to get out of this? Because I was kind of hoping to do some low key self-care tonight, maybe just like kick back and watch some This is Us or something.
ROBIN You watch This is Us??? We do too!!! Can you believe Randall???
JOKER Ugh, no, how could he treat his mother like that, he’s so--
BATMAN STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS IS US. IT IS A FINE PIECE OF TELEVISION, BUT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING.
JOKER Okay. But like… how do we do that long distance.
BATMAN Um. Well. First, you need to do something illegal.
JOKER Uh. K. Um… I guess I could like… online gamble?
BATMAN YES. Yes, okay, you start online gambling, and I’ll, um… I’ll just… wait.
(Batman languishes more and more with frustration during this next part.)
JOKER Okay. (He starts clicking around on his computer.) BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 10
Hmm. Should I do blackjack or poker? I just feel like playing poker online would be really weird, like, poker is all about connecting in person--
ROBIN Yeah, I know what you mean, but I’ve heard poker online is really fun, and much less nerve-wracking.
JOKER You know, I have wondered how it would change the game if you remove the social elements, I just don’t know if I want to commit to playing a full game.
ROBIN Well, you could try it out and see what you think.
JOKER Yeah, good idea--okay, hmm. Username. Username. OOH, I got it!! J...O...K...E… where’s the R?
ROBIN Oh, it’s by T.
JOKER No, that’s a Y.
ROBIN The other side.
JOKER Oh, okay, gotcha, thanks. Alright, password. Password. B...A...T...M..A...N...STINX… with an X… four… question mark. Alright. Submit. (Pause.) Submit. (He clicks again.) Submit. Submit. Ohh. Oh. It says that username is taken.
ROBIN Yeah, I wondered if that might happen, it’s pretty common--
JOKER BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 11
Right, right, okay, so… T-H-E-J-O-K-E-R.
ROBIN Add a one after it. That’ll help.
JOKER Okay. 1. TheJoker1. Does that sound good?
ROBIN That sounds awesome--and it’s kind of cool because in a deck of cards, there are always two jokers.
JOKER Oh yeah! I always forget about that because I always take them out.
ROBIN Yeah. That’s so funny though. It’s like a pun or something. Well, not really a pun.
JOKER Yeah. Okay. So. Join game.
BATMAN AH HA, GOT YOU NOW--
JOKER Nope--nope, wait. No games in progress. Shoot. Okay. Hang on. I guess we just have to wait.
(They all wait.)
JOKER (cont.) So… how’s everybody doing?
ROBIN Good. Good, no complaints. Batman and I are gonna eat taquitos soon.
BATMAN DON’T TELL HIM ABOUT THAT.
BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 12
ROBIN What??? Taquitos are good!
JOKER No judgment, I fully agree, they are delicious. Ugh, now I’m craving taquitos, you guys are such a bad influence on me. Okay, while we’re waiting, I’m gonna go to the bathroom.
(The Joker gets up, revealing that he’s wearing sweatpants. He leaves.)
BATMAN Did you see that??? DID YOU SEE THAT? He’s wearing JOGGERS. It’s like he DOESN’T EVEN CARE.
ROBIN Oh, come on, you didn’t even know he was wearing joggers until he stood up.
BATMAN BUT NOW I KNOW HE’S NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.
ROBIN Batman, how could he take this seriously--you are “fighting him” through a webcam!!!!
BATMAN YES, AND IT’S VERY INTENSE AND EXCITING.
ROBIN WE JUST WATCHED THE GUY STRUGGLE TO TYPE FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES, HOW IS THAT INTENSE AND EXCITING.
BATMAN IT WAS BUILDING SUSPENSE. You just wait. The cool part is coming and it’s gonna be so cool and exciting your head is gonna explode.
ROBIN Okay. Should I go put the taquitos in?
BATMAN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 13
… Yes.
ROBIN K. Bye.
(Joker returns.)
JOKER Phew. I feel so much better. Do you feel like you have to pee more now that you can go whenever you want? I feel like that. Like normally I’m like, okay, I’m in a random warehouse torturing Robin, I guess I’ll need to hold it until I get home, but now that my bathroom’s right there, I go whenever I want. I think it’s probably been really good for my kidneys.
BATMAN ARE YOU ONLINE GAMBLING YET?
JOKER Oh. No, sorry, hang on… OOH! Okay, there’s a game open. Alright, you ready?
BATMAN Oh, I am so ready.
JOKER Okay. I’m gonna click it
BATMAN Don’t you dare.
JOKER Oh, I dare. I’m gonna join the game.
BATMAN DO NOT ENGAGE IN THAT ILLEGAL ACTIVITY.
JOKER I’M TOTALLY GONNA.
BATMAN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 14
NOOOOO!
JOKER OH YEAH, I TOTALLY JOINED THE GAME, HA HA, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT BATMAN!
BATMAN I’M GONNA ASK YOU NICELY ONE TIME TO STOP, JOKER. STOP. ONLINE. GAMBLING.
JOKER Okay.
(Joker closes the window. They both sit, confused.)
BATMAN … okay?
JOKER Yeah. I closed the window. It was a bad hand anyways.
BATMAN Oh. So… I win?
JOKER Yeah. Good fight. Ooh, This is Us is about to start, hey, this was fun, let’s do it next week. Bye!
BATMAN NO, NO, WAIT, PLEASE.
JOKER … okay?
BATMAN Can’t we just like… fight a little more?
JOKER BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 15
Look, I appreciate that you want this relationship to continue, but this just isn’t working long distance, can we maybe try this when the quarantine is lifted? I promise I’ll kidnap the mayor and punch him in the spleen really hard and stuff.
BATMAN NO. NO NO NO WE NEED TO KEEP DOING THIS OR… OR…
JOKER Or…?
BATMAN I… I… (He bursts into tears) I’M JUST REALLY SCARED THAT WE WON’T BE RIVALS WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIGHT IN PERSON AND I REALLY VALUE OUR RELATIONSHIP AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT IT WAAAAAAAAH.
JOKER Wait, wait--you think because we haven’t been able to punch each other for the past two weeks that all that hatred would go away just like that?
BATMAN I just don’t want you to forget about me.
JOKER Bro. I could never forget you. Look at me. Who’s the guy who punched me in the face until my nose exploded into a geyser of blood?
BATMAN (sniffling) Me.
JOKER Yeah--and who’s the guy who crashed your fancy dinner party and shoved his gun into the face of a bunch of fancy people and yelled CHAOS AND ANARCHY?
BATMAN You. BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 16
JOKER Come on, man, you know if I could, I would be at your apartment right now, punching your kidneys and beating you into submission, but this is a pandemic. We have to make sure that we don’t infect anyone. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about infecting the world with my crazy and hunger for anarchy, but COVID19? Nope. Not about that life.
BATMAN I just don’t want things to change.
JOKER Well, things have changed, not much we can do about that, but nothing could ever change the way I feel about you. I mean, Batman, looking at your face right now makes me want to vomit in rage.
BATMAN And looking at your face makes me want to scream NOOOOO into the night for the next five hours.
JOKER Exactly, and something like that doesn’t just go away because we can’t see each other. When all of this is over, I will be right here, ready to shove a crowbar into your intestines. Sound good?
BATMAN That sounds perfect.
JOKER Now do you want to watch the new This is Us episode together?
BATMAN I would truly be honored.
(Robin reenters.)
JOKER Cool apron, Robin! Nice to see you protecting yourself from kitchen mishaps!
BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 17
ROBIN Thanks, man! NOW WHO WANTS TAQUITOS?
BATMAN Me! Keto can wait!
ROBIN Don’t forget you said that tomorrow.
BATMAN Don’t worry, I will.
ROBIN Great.
END OF PLAY