BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 1 Batman Vs. The Joker On Zoom By Emily Hageman BATMAN He’s Batman JOKER He’s the Joker ROBIN He’s Robin SETTING: Over Zoom. AT RISE: Batman is getting ready to call someone over Zoom. (BATMAN checks himself out, fixing his mask. Maybe he moves some things behind him so he has a better background. Please note, Batman always uses his Batman voice.) BATMAN (hero voice) Ah ha, got you now! ​ ​ (normal voice) No, no, ugh, that looked stupid… (hero voice) Ah ha, got you now! ​ ​ (normal voice) Do my nostrils always flare like that? (hero voice) Ah ha, got you--ah ha, got you--ah ha, got-- ​ ​ ROBIN (off camera) How many pizza rolls do you want? BATMAN I don’t want any--I’m doing something, leave me alone! ROBIN (off camera) BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 2 Are you sure? There was a really good sale at Safeway. They’re the triple meat kind. BATMAN STOP INTERRUPTING ME, THE CITY NEEDS ME. (Robin enters, wearing an apron.) ROBIN Chill out, the city doesn’t need anything except more toilet paper. You know, I went to Walmart this morning at 7:45 and they were totally sold out? Ugh. People. Good thing Lucius created that toilet paper machine that turns all of your old suits into TP. BATMAN Wait, what??? He’s turning my suits into toilet paper? ROBIN Oh, come on, you have like thirty suits and you only ever wear two. BATMAN The others don’t fit. I’m too ripped. ROBIN We both know that’s not true, Batman. We’ve both been getting fat during this quarantine. BATMAN SPEAK FOR YOURSELF! I’m as muscular as a bat! Always have been, always will be! And TAKE OFF THAT RIDICULOUS APRON, YOU LOOK LIKE A FOOL. ROBIN Excuse me for protecting my garments from kitchen mishaps! Look, do you want pizza rolls or not? BATMAN First of all, obviously I want pizza rolls, I always want pizza rolls-- ROBIN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 3 Well, excuse me, but I didn’t want to assume. Last time I did that and set up that villian encounter with the Penguin, you got all cranky with me, even though you’re the one who’s always like “surprise me, surprise me, I gotta stay on my toes”-- BATMAN Look, I LIKE TO WRITE THINGS DOWN IN MY DAY PLANNER, OKAY? ROBIN The one with a unicorn on it? BATMAN It is not a unicorn. It’s a beautiful horse. ROBIN … with a horn. BATMAN SO WHAT? Is it SO WRONG to enjoy a beautiful, mythical creature? You know what, forget it, I don’t even want pizza rolls so never mind and go away. ROBIN Wait… what are you doing? Is your camera on? BATMAN No, no, it’s not, I’m just-- ROBIN Batman, I told you, nobody wants to see you sing karaoke! Have you heard your speaking voice? Your singing voice is not any better! BATMAN Okay, you are a very hurtful person, my voice is unique and beautiful, and because you are being so DEEPLY UNKIND TO ME, I’m not going to tell you. ROBIN Aww, come on, Batman, don’t be like that. BATMAN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 4 No. You hurt my feelings even worse than that time you totally got kidnapped by Catwoman on purpose just to stress me out. ROBIN Um, okay, I most definitely did not do that on purpose… BATMAN HOW ABOUT YOU STOP TRYING TO GET BETWEEN US, ROBIN? She clearly likes me. ROBIN Uh. She clearly beats you up a lot, not sure about her liking you… BATMAN She’s totally crushing on me. I can tell from her punches that she thinks I’m as hot as a bat. ROBIN Nobody thinks bats are hot. Even less so now that they probably caused the coronavirus. BATMAN WHATEVER!!! That’s not even true, it’s just a hurtful rumor. Everybody knows that when you get bitten by a bat you get superpowers, which is what happened to me. ROBIN … I mean, you got bitten by a bat a few weeks ago and had to get a rabies shot, but--? BATMAN AND. It gave me super powers. ROBIN K. Pretty sure it didn’t. Anyways, are you really going to keep pouting and not tell me what you’re doing? BATMAN I can do whatever I want. I am Batman. I am the night. I am the man who is so overcome with toxic masculinity that he runs around in a rubber costume punching people in the face all night so I don’t have to think about my feelings. BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 5 ROBIN Aww, come on, Batman, tell me. BATMAN Noooo. ROBIN Please?? BATMAN Noooooo! ROBIN Pretty please with sugar on top? BATMAN NO AMOUNT OF SUGAR CAN WIN ME OVER DURING THIS PAINFUL TIME IN MY LIFE WHERE MY BEST SIDEKICK BETRAYED ME. ROBIN I’ll make you some taquitos. BATMAN … and pizza rolls? ROBIN Yes, and pizza rolls. BATMAN … and can we have ice cream after? ROBIN Yes, but only if you don’t yell at me for enabling your non-keto style of eating tomorrow. BATMAN Batman doesn’t need to eat keto. Batman is the night. The night eats whatever it wants to. That’s why it’s so vast. ROBIN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 6 … k. So tell me what you’re doing? BATMAN Fine, if you must know, the Joker and I are going to fight over Zoom. ROBIN … BATMAN Zoom is a web-based video conferencing tool with a local, desktop client and a mobile app that allows users to meet online, with or without video. Zoom users can choose to record sessions, collaborate on projects, and share or annotate on one another's screens, all with one easy-to-use platform. Try Zoom now to learn more about the products and benefits that this amazing new app has to offer-- ROBIN I KNOW WHAT ZOOM IS. I’m just trying to figure out… why. BATMAN BECAUSE. He’s going to do illegal things. And I’m going to stop him. ROBIN Okay, but, like… how. BATMAN Through the art… of verbal persuasion. ROBIN But… you are not good at talking. I cannot understand what you are saying like 95% of the time. BATMAN (Batman voice is completely unintelligible) WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND ME IT’S NOT MY FAULT I NEED TO DISGUISE MY VOICE BY MAKING IT GRAVELLY SO QUIT JUDGING ME ALREADY I HATE YOU ROBIN … K. So--he’s just gonna like… call you? And you’re gonna like… BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 7 BATMAN Trade verbal barbs. I’m gonna tear him down psychologically. I’ve been practicing. Listen to this: Your mom is so fat, she’s probably alive unlike my mom who died when I was eight AHHHHH MOMMY I MISS YOU SO MUCH PLEASE COME BACK TO YOUR LITTLE BRUCEYYYYYY. (Batman dissolves into tears. He then recovers.) See? Devastating. He won’t be able to recover from the thought of his DEAD PARENTS LYING IN AN ALLEYWAY, WAKE UP, DADDY, YOU CAN’T DIE, IT WILL ONLY INFLUENCE ME TO BECOME AN EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE MAN WHO DRESSES UP LIKE A BAT AND PUNCHES PEOPLE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT DESERVE IT WAHHHHH! (He is crying again, but then recovers.) ROBIN … your plan may need some work. BATMAN WHATEVER. I don’t have to listen to what you say. You’re just a dumb orphan. ROBIN Um, so are you???? BATMAN I AM???? OH NO, I’M HAVING A FLASHBACK, MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYEBALLS, WAHHHHH! (JOKER is calling.) ROBIN Okay, okay, get yourself together--look, he’s calling! BATMAN HE IS??? Oh no, oh no, I’m not ready--how do I look? ROBIN … like a dude who’s been crying for five minutes straight. BATMAN BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 8 NOOOO!!! Maybe my red puffy eyes will scare him. Ohhhhh, I’m nervous!! What do I say? Hi, thank you for coming to my TedTalk? ROBIN Why would you say that???? BATMAN I DON’T KNOW, I’M NERVOUS. ROBIN Just--say something foreboding! Something scary--the scariest thing you can think of! BATMAN Okay, okay, alright. Alright. Here we go. HERE WE GO, I AM AMPED, I AM READY, I’M THE DARK KNIGHT. BAM. (Batman answers the call and immediately yells:) BATMAN (cont.) COVID 19. COUGH COUGH. I DON’T WASH MY HANDS. JOKER … ROBIN … BATMAN … ROBIN (whispers) Why did you say that?? BATMAN (whispers) You said say the scariest thing I could think of! JOKER BATMAN VS. THE JOKER ON ZOOM 9 Um. Okay. Hi. BATMAN Yeah. Hi. As in HIDE. As in you BETTER HIDE FROM ME. I’m Batman. JOKER Yeah. You sure are. So what are you like expecting to get out of this? Because I was kind of hoping to do some low key self-care tonight, maybe just like kick back and watch some This is Us or something. ​ ​ ROBIN You watch This is Us??? We do too!!! Can you believe Randall??? JOKER Ugh, no, how could he treat his mother like that, he’s so-- BATMAN STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS IS US. IT IS A FINE PIECE OF TELEVISION, BUT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING. JOKER Okay. But like… how do we do that long distance.