The Conspiracy Issue Pandemic Know-It-Alls 6
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THE CONSPIRACY ISSUE PANDEMIC KNOW-IT-ALLS 6 FOURTEEN NEW CONSPIRACY THEORISTS 12 ARE YOU BEING GANG-STALKED? 14 EGOS, ICKE & COVID 16 THE PANDEMIC COOKBOOK 20 THE TALKING DOG CONSPI CY 24 GUENTER ZIMMERMANN 30 THERE IS NO CONSPIRACY 36 DISMANTLING THE 5G MYTH 38 TOP 20 RONA MYTHS 39 MICHAEL JORDANS RETIREMENT 43 STEVIE WONDER IS BLIND NOT 46 MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES FOR CONSPIRACY THEORISTS 50 ROBERT DE NIRO IS A MYTH 52 10 MYTHS ABOUT UNCIRCUMCISED DICKS 56 A PANDEMIC of would? If so, how far do we have points for being obese and el- to wreck the economy to achieve derly? this? To put it another way, how Know-it-Alls many bodies do we have to sac- Do you hoard money, or do you rifice to save the economy? stock up on supplies? If SARS-CoV-2 can actually trav- “We hear plenty about herd im- el in particles of air pollution like munity, but not nearly enough I heard last week, is a lockdown about herd stupidity.” ( ) meaningless, or should we just Should you wear rubber gloves avoid North Jersey? at the gas station, or does that hen it comes to this whole What’s the crude-case fatality make you a Germ Cuck? COVID-19 hall of mirrors rate? What’s the rate of con- Are businesses reopening too W and how we possibly find firmed cases v. suspected total soon to prevent more infections Are “they” all in cahoots, or are our way out if this creepy carni- infections? How many cases are or too late to save the economy? “they” too stupid to pull that off? val exhibit we’re trapped inside closed? How many are still open? hoping it’s not really a cheesy Are they counting people who Would a vaccine apply to every Is it true that the virus can be horror movie made flesh, it seems died outside of hospitals and mutation, or do they have to keep spread through flatulence? that everyone has an answer ex- were never tested for the virus? coming up with new vaccines? Or cept me. And who are “they,” anyway, do they already have a one-size- Are the Democrats or the Repub- and why should we trust them? fits-all vaccine and are waiting to licans handling this better? The The problem is, hardly any of you How do our stats compare to “heroically” rush in to save us all governors or the President? Fox idiots realize how many ques- those in other countries? Should with it? News or CNN? Atheists or Chris- tions there are. That’s where I I really trust the bean-counters of tians? North or South? Ginger or come in. I’m such a know-it-all, I Borneo and the abacus-slingers Will it be over in the summer Mary Ann? appear to be the only one who of Algeria? Oh, and what about but back in the fall? Will it ever knows all the questions. the false positives on nonrandom be over? Or is it over already? Will it hurt young blacks or the population samples? Huh? What Statistically, how “over” does it white elderly more? Do you care Is it real or is it fake? Did it come about them? And how can you have to be before we can say, either way? from a Wuhan lab or a Wuhan trust these tests, anyway? Who “This is over”? wet market? Or did it come from tests the testers? Is the worst behind us or in front a Wuhan wet market via a Wu- Are blacks currently experienc- of us? han lab because some greedy Are they over-counting deaths or ing disproportionately high in- scientist sold an infected bat to undercounting them? Are deaths fection rates because of racism, Do we blame the Chinese or not? a vendor? Or was it transmitted from heart attacks being attribut- or because they’re a bunch of from a Wuhan wet market to a ed as heart attacks even if COV- touchy-feely slobs with no im- And, just for comic relief, what Wuhan lab because some reck- ID-19 caused the heart attack? pulse control who like to con- about the Jews? less scientist ate bat soup? How Or are simple heart attacks be- gregate under trees and at bus many reckless Chinese scientists ing attributed to COVID-19? stops? eat bat soup, anyway? How of- Lawdy Mae, so many questions! ten? What the hell is wrong with Will the virus lead to more Do we value each human life them? deaths than a wrecked economy equally, or do we deduct fifty 4 5 My answer to all these questions My sense is that there’s an ac- about the seventh grade—when I it’s usually best to have a clear is a firm, emphatic, and near-his- tual virus afoot—whether organic decided to pursue a “creative” idea of the problem. But this is trionic I DON’T KNOW. or synthetic, I don’t know—and path—and am thus mildly retard- happening so fast, that’s almost that it’s quite possibly more dan- ed about an embarrassing num- impossible. I think of informa- You can be arrogant without gerous than the common cold or ber of scientific issues. But that’s tion like a hologram—laser com- being a know-it-all, you know. I flu. also why I don’t act like a know- ing in from every angle to form do it all the time. Maybe the ul- it-all about viral infections, nyah- a discernible shape. At present, timate know-it-all move is to tell I suspect this because of the nyah-nyah. there’s too much information everyone they don’t know any- amount of coordination it would and too many laser beams to thing, then feign humility and a take worldwide for so many enti- No, I’m not calling for modera- see whether the hologram is of a false sense of empathy by pre- ties to come together in a smoke- tion or fence-sitting or splitting wolf or a lamb. tending I don’t know, either. I filled room and agree to pretend the difference, and I’m not fall- don’t know. it’s worse than the flu. ing for any of the sappy “we’re I'm of the opinion that all in this together” drivel, and there is never such a thing I truly don’t know whether it’s a There are plenty of actual con- if the facts are extreme and call plot to enforce a global surveil- spiracies, but this one—it’s been for extreme solutions, then I’m an as settled science. lance state that mandates inocu- dubbed the “Plandemic”—is the extremist. I’m all for fact-based lation with a Forever VaccineTM most elaborate type possible. It extremism that ignores illusions And that’s especially true in a that contains a GPS tracker, a requires everyone except those such as “left” and “right.” case like this when we’re desper- camera, a thought-reader, a who call it a conspiracy to be in ately learning science on the fly. specialized and experimental on it. Every country on the planet, Just because we don’t know gene-protein inserter, and a free including the ones that hate one doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. I’m sure out there somewhere in a version of Microsoft Windows another and don’t even speak to As new information comes in, freezing yurt on the barren plains and nude pictures of Bill Gates. one another nor so much as send adjust your efforts according- of Mongolia there’s a teenage Seems unlikely, but I’m not rul- one another post cards would ly. If we have solid information genius with a laptop who could ing it out. need to be in on the plan. Every about who is disproportionately spit out an Excel spreadsheet medical organization on the ravaged by this virus, focus med- in 5 minutes that proves conclu- I can’t say for sure whether or planet, even ones that compete ical resources on them. There’s sively whether the virus left un- not the Deep State is purposely for donations, would also need evidence that masks can help checked or a destroyed economy mind-fucking you all into a state to set aside their differences for prevent the spread of the vi- would ultimately cost more lives, of high stress that weakens your the sake of this hoax. So would rus, especially if you’re the one but I am not that Mongolian ge- immune system and renders you just about every rich person and who’s infected. Then again, most nius, my friends. That is evident yet more vulnerable to a success- poor person and middle-class of these masks don’t have a tight to everyone—even me. ful invasion by their Little Chi- person—except for the small seal, so you may wind up not nese Virus. pockets of people who say it’s a only breathing in someone else’s Maybe gay scientists who hate hoax. Sorry, honey, but that’s a germs, but also your own pulmo- old people, blacks, and prison- My answer is, “I have no an- bit much. nary effluence. I’d say it’s wise ers invented this one as revenge swer.” to avoid Fleetwood Mac reunion for AIDS. Couldn’t tell you for I’ve never heard of the flu at- concerts, but I would have said sure.