The Conspiracy Issue Pandemic Know-It-Alls 6

THE CONSPIRACY ISSUE PANDEMIC KNOW-IT-ALLS 6

FOURTEEN NEW CONSPIRACY THEORISTS 12 ARE YOU BEING GANG-STALKED? 14

EGOS, ICKE & COVID 16 THE PANDEMIC COOKBOOK 20

THE TALKING DOG CONSPIA CY 24 GUENTER ZIMMERMANN 30

THERE IS NO CONSPIRACY 36

DISMANTLING THE 5G MYTH 38

TOP 20 RONA MYTHS 39

MICHAEL JORDANS RETIREMENT 43

STEVIE WONDER IS BLIND NOT 46

MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES FOR

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS 50

ROBERT DE NIRO IS A MYTH 52 10 MYTHS ABOUT

UNCIRCUMCISED DICKS 56 A PANDEMIC of would? If so, how far do we have points for being obese and el- to wreck the economy to achieve derly? this? To put it another way, how Know-it-Alls many bodies do we have to sac- Do you hoard money, or do you rifice to save the economy? stock up on supplies?

If SARS-CoV-2 can actually trav- “We hear plenty about herd im- el in particles of air pollution like munity, but not nearly enough I heard last week, is a lockdown about herd stupidity.” ( ) meaningless, or should we just Should you wear rubber gloves avoid North Jersey? at the gas station, or does that hen it comes to this whole What’s the crude-case fatality make you a Germ Cuck? COVID-19 hall of mirrors rate? What’s the rate of con- Are businesses reopening too W and how we possibly find firmed cases v. suspected total soon to prevent more infections Are “they” all in cahoots, or are our way out if this creepy carni- infections? How many cases are or too late to save the economy? “they” too stupid to pull that off? val exhibit we’re trapped inside closed? How many are still open? hoping it’s not really a cheesy Are they counting people who Would a vaccine apply to every Is it true that the virus can be horror movie made flesh, it seems died outside of hospitals and mutation, or do they have to keep spread through flatulence? that everyone has an answer ex- were never tested for the virus? coming up with new vaccines? Or cept me. And who are “they,” anyway, do they already have a one-size- Are the Democrats or the Repub- and why should we trust them? fits-all vaccine and are waiting to licans handling this better? The The problem is, hardly any of you How do our stats compare to “heroically” rush in to save us all governors or the President? Fox idiots realize how many ques- those in other countries? Should with it? News or CNN? Atheists or Chris- tions there are. That’s where I I really trust the bean-counters of tians? North or South? Ginger or come in. I’m such a know-it-all, I Borneo and the abacus-slingers Will it be over in the summer Mary Ann? appear to be the only one who of Algeria? Oh, and what about but back in the fall? Will it ever knows all the questions. the false positives on nonrandom be over? Or is it over already? Will it hurt young blacks or the population samples? Huh? What Statistically, how “over” does it white elderly more? Do you care Is it real or is it fake? Did it come about them? And how can you have to be before we can say, either way? from a Wuhan lab or a Wuhan trust these tests, anyway? Who “This is over”? wet market? Or did it come from tests the testers? Is the worst behind us or in front a Wuhan wet market via a Wu- Are blacks currently experienc- of us? han lab because some greedy Are they over-counting deaths or ing disproportionately high in- scientist sold an infected bat to undercounting them? Are deaths fection rates because of racism, Do we blame the Chinese or not? a vendor? Or was it transmitted from heart attacks being attribut- or because they’re a bunch of from a Wuhan wet market to a ed as heart attacks even if COV- touchy-feely slobs with no im- And, just for comic relief, what Wuhan lab because some reck- ID-19 caused the heart attack? pulse control who like to con- about the Jews? less scientist ate bat soup? How Or are simple heart attacks be- gregate under trees and at bus many reckless Chinese scientists ing attributed to COVID-19? stops? eat bat soup, anyway? How of- Lawdy Mae, so many questions! ten? What the hell is wrong with Will the virus lead to more Do we value each human life them? deaths than a wrecked economy equally, or do we deduct fifty 4 5 My answer to all these questions My sense is that there’s an ac- about the seventh grade—when I it’s usually best to have a clear is a firm, emphatic, and near-his- tual virus afoot—whether organic decided to pursue a “creative” idea of the problem. But this is trionic I DON’T KNOW. or synthetic, I don’t know—and path—and am thus mildly retard- happening so fast, that’s almost that it’s quite possibly more dan- ed about an embarrassing num- impossible. I think of informa- You can be arrogant without gerous than the common cold or ber of scientific issues. But that’s tion like a hologram—laser com- being a know-it-all, you know. I flu. also why I don’t act like a knowing in from every angle to form do it all the time. Maybe the ul- it-all about viral infections, nyah- a discernible shape. At present, timate know-it-all move is to tell I suspect this because of the nyah-nyah. there’s too much information everyone they don’t know any- amount of coordination it would and too many laser beams to thing, then feign humility and a take worldwide for so many enti- No, I’m not calling for modera- see whether the hologram is of a false sense of empathy by pre- ties to come together in a smoke- tion or fence-sitting or splitting wolf or a lamb. tending I don’t know, either. I filled room and agree to pretend the difference, and I’m not fall- don’t know. it’s worse than the flu. ing for any of the sappy “we’re I'm of the opinion that all in this together” drivel, and there is never such a thing I truly don’t know whether it’s a There are plenty of actual con- if the facts are extreme and call plot to enforce a global surveil- spiracies, but this one—it’s been for extreme solutions, then I’m an as settled science. lance state that mandates inocu- dubbed the “Plandemic”—is the extremist. I’m all for fact-based lation with a Forever VaccineTM most elaborate type possible. It extremism that ignores illusions And that’s especially true in a that contains a GPS tracker, a requires everyone except those such as “left” and “right.” case like this when we’re desper- camera, a thought-reader, a who call it a conspiracy to be in ately learning science on the fly. specialized and experimental on it. Every country on the planet, Just because we don’t know gene-protein inserter, and a free including the ones that hate one doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. I’m sure out there somewhere in a version of Microsoft Windows another and don’t even speak to As new information comes in, freezing yurt on the barren plains and nude pictures of Bill Gates. one another nor so much as send adjust your efforts according- of Mongolia there’s a teenage Seems unlikely, but I’m not rul- one another post cards would ly. If we have solid information genius with a laptop who could ing it out. need to be in on the plan. Every about who is disproportionately spit out an Excel spreadsheet medical organization on the ravaged by this virus, focus med- in 5 minutes that proves conclu- I can’t say for sure whether or planet, even ones that compete ical resources on them. There’s sively whether the virus left un- not the Deep State is purposely for donations, would also need evidence that masks can help checked or a destroyed economy mind-fucking you all into a state to set aside their differences for prevent the spread of the vi- would ultimately cost more lives, of high stress that weakens your the sake of this hoax. So would rus, especially if you’re the one but I am not that Mongolian ge- immune system and renders you just about every rich person and who’s infected. Then again, most nius, my friends. That is evident yet more vulnerable to a success- poor person and middle-class of these masks don’t have a tight to everyone—even me. ful invasion by their Little Chi- person—except for the small seal, so you may wind up not nese Virus. pockets of people who say it’s a only breathing in someone else’s Maybe gay scientists who hate hoax. Sorry, honey, but that’s a germs, but also your own pulmo- old people, blacks, and prison- My answer is, “I have no an- bit much. nary effluence. I’d say it’s wise ers invented this one as revenge swer.” to avoid Fleetwood Mac reunion for AIDS. Couldn’t tell you for I’ve never heard of the flu at- concerts, but I would have said sure. Why is that so hard for tacking multiple organs like this, that, anyway. the rest of you to say? but then again, I haven’t paid I sense that you are too proud much attention to science since Before talking about solutions, to say you don’t know, so let me 6 7 say it for you. At the risk of gas- joystick who can’t be convinced lighting you, the fact is that we things went down any other way. both know that you don’t know. Just admit it. Try it sometime. You The problem with know-it-alls may like it more than you think. is they put the cart before the You won’t believe what a relief horse—their ego being the cart it is just to admit it. It’s like pop- and the horse being the facts that ping an icy-fresh breath mint in will eventually stomp over them. your mouth. That’s what happens when you put the cart before the horse, I’m simply saying that amid such you know. You get stomped. a blizzard of facts, mistruths, anxiety, and suspicion, it’s im- We hear plenty about herd possible to be certain about an- immunity, but not nearly ything that’s going on right now, enough about herd stupidity. so pipe down because you look like a jackass when you act like And there is a plague of know-it- you have the answer. alls infesting our public discourse right now. Proving that their ap- I know that there are two people proach is more emotional than ra- who don’t know: 1) me; 2) you. tional, they toss around the word “evil” as if you can measure it You can’t even trust the experts, the same way you can measure a meaning the ones with a Ph.D. If viral load. I’d love to quarantine you look back on their timeline, them all in mental hospitals that many of these “experts” have treat Dunning-Kruger effect. flipped, flopped, and flown on their positions every which way This whole tragicomically ridicu- but loose since this whole thing lous situation is stressful enough started. But since you can’t trust for everyone, so I will kindly and the experts, that means you DEFI- calmly—just this once—implore all NITELY can’t trust anyone else. you know-it-alls to tone it down. Especially you. Or me. Trust me If you don’t, you know what hap- on that. pens next. You are, after all, a know-it-all. How on earth would I be able to know whether doctors in Chi- na were told to destroy early samples of the virus to prevent tracing? Yet you have some five- T. Hill foot tall genius in Paducah with noodle arms, a vape pen, and a Salvatore Matarazzo 8 9 Bouncers: A subset of Falling Earthers and Juggled Earthers, be- Beyond the flat earth lieve the Earth is made of rubber and will bounce off God’s roof or whatever harmlessly.

14 new conspiracy theorists Splatters: A noisy contingent of the Falling Earther, Juggled Earther, and Egger communities are not as optimistic.

Denim Earthers: Believe…duh. Also called Jearthers.

Hollow Earthers: Believe the Earth is full — of aliens, dinosaurs, Turders: Believe Earth is the poop of God. and fun. Turduckearthers: Believe Earth is a planet inside a space duck Mearthers: Believe Earth is actually Mars, and Mars is actually inside a cosmic turkey. Earth. Also called Switcheroo Earthers. Turduckdoodlers: Believe Earth is a planet inside a space duck Invisible Earthers: Believe Earth cannot be seen by aliens, which inside a cosmic turkey that was eaten by a celestial poodle, who is is why they never visit. Also called Peekabearthers. a good boy.

Nerfers: Believe the Earth is a soft, cushiony planet and therefore Mark Peters safe for children of all ages. @wordlust

Eggers: Believe someday Earth is gonna hatch.

Birther Earthers: Believe Mother Earth was not born in the United States.

Juggled Earthers: Believe Earth and the other planets in our solar system are being juggled by a massive celestial circus clown, which would explain a few things.

Falling Earthers: Believe Earth is plummeting through space at speeds we can’t feel or comprehend. What happens when we hit the universe’s floor? That all depends if you’re a Bouncer or Splat- ter. 10 11 tal practices and found themselves the unwitting stars in their own ARE YOU BEING version of the Truman Show. Some have gone so far to claim they are the victims of Euro-Electromagnetic Frequency weapons, claiming that they have suffered intense headaches and nausea after GANGSTALKED? hearing strange noises in the night. You may ask yourself in a modern Britain where local councils are incapable of fixing potholes or prosecuting fly-tippers; how can they be organized and competent enough to carry out systematic n the age of social polarization and the echo chamber effect, surveillance and phycological warfare on a nationwide level? subcultures left free to propagate in the stagnate depths of the I internet will churn out some very weird shit. The answer unfortunately, may be closer to us than we realise. In amongst these various tribes, there is a community that refer themselves as ‘Targeted Individuals.’ They claim to be the victims of state-sponsored harassment, mainly, although not exclusively per- Various countries, including the UK have been rapidly ramping up petrated by groups of paid flunkeys who use stasi-esque tactics their surveillance of citizens to study and curb the spread of COV- to make the victims feel as though they are being monitored and ID19, enabling the government to enact policies in the name of re- controlled. The harassment is designed to be invisible to anybody sponding to the disease that they would not normally be able to get except for the victim. It’s a subtle form of torture, both complex and approved, including allowing the security services to track people’s sophisticated, that doesn’t leave physical scars and can fly under phones without any kind high court order, eroding privacy laws on the radar of the U.N convention against torture. a unprecedented level.

Gangstalking may sound like the brainchild of a foamy mouthed These measures have only previously been deployed against sus- YouTube pundit or the paranoid musings of 4Channers with nar- pected terrorists. Once the state of emergency is over, Govern- cissistic personality disorders, but regardless of its origins, it’s a ments should, in theory, cease all data harvesting, but it’s likely the phenomenon with a growing number of subscribers who in extreme measures will simply continue to exist, and we will progressively cases have gone as far as to believe they are being targeted as a enter into a nightmarish Orwellian surveillance state. On a more part of a campaign of mind control experimentation. local level, there have been umpteen reports of curtain-twitching residents with a penchant for citizen surveillance shopping their Most of us live in blissful ignorance, unaware of the existence of neighbours to the police when they’ve been spotted nipping out to shadowy world of surveillance. The practice of gangstalking uses stretch their legs more than the allotted one form of exercise a day. subtle and hidden persecutory techniques to make the victim feel like they are going insane. Some victims claim to be followed 24- So, are you being gangstalked? The answer is yes, you most cer- hour a day, 7-days a week, living as an unwilling participant in a tainly are. nefarious form street theater, a scripted form of harassment that can range from public or online slander to tailing them in the street Anthony Bain and staking out the victim’s home.

The persecuted demographic of gangstalking’s victims tend to include Human and Animal Rights Advocates, Environmental Activists, and everyday joes who have spoken up against certain governmen- 12 13 him a very happy chappy. YouTube am Hussein was dead. Which, he EGOS, ICKE, has quite the track record of ei- wasn’t. Although I suspect he has & ther removing or more commonly, an explanation for these missteps. de-monetising, videos that don’t THE CORONAVIRUS CONSPIRACY fit certain narratives and points of As with many people at the time, I view. found the whole thing fascinating. A little unkind because I think we And there is a particular Catch 22 were watching someone have a you enter into by banning videos nervous breakdown on live televi- of someone claiming that there is sion. But this was the 90s, so I read avid Icke is back in the news this is all being done with the sole a global conspiracy that wants to his book The Truth Vibrations (iron- because an interview he gave purpose of taking away any rights control and censor you. ically) and wore turquoise All Stars D to London Real, where he dis- we have and so on, and to ensure (ironically) because everything in cusses 5G and the Coronavirus, was world domination by the new world And with Icke, as is common among the 90s was ironic, even sexism and taken down by YouTube. Pointless order (that already seem to have many conspiracy theorists, what he racism. of course for a few reasons, one total world domination). says will be laced with facts like is that it’s still viewable on London say, MK Ultra, before they get to Icke evolved over the years from his Reel’s own website, and secondly Watch it if you like, I couldn’t make the really out there gems. These fairly hippie dippy, new age apoc- because David Icke’s been express- it all the way through myself. I’ve men (they’re nearly always men) alyptic prophet days and turquoise ing these kinds of views for nearly always found that listening to Da- might lure someone in because they love and wisdom stuff, to full on 30 years. vid Icke was like listening to some- seem, passionate, well read and in- conspiracy theorist shouting at peo- one’s dad read a car manual in this formed and have researched it and ple and getting more and more an- And what’s more, whether you like overly dramatic yet somehow wea- then BANG! The Royal Family are gry. Not quite Alex Jones an- it or not, people want to watch Da- risome style, while interspersing lizards and everything is the fault gry but still. vid Icke videos. Some people want it with anecdotes about other car of the Jews. to buy his books. Some even read manuals he has read. He allegedly ‘endorsed the an- them. At his peak he was packing David Icke’s transformation from ti-Semitic forgery’ The Protocols of them in at the O2 in London where Icke is the Alan Partridge of con- BBC TV presenter to sporty mes- the Elders of Zion, questioned as- he’d talk for hours about global spiracy theorists. He constantly siah and sayer of sooths hit the pects of the Holocaust in one of his conspiracies and how everyone’s feels the need to claim terms as his public consciousness in 1991 in his books, he said 9/11 was an inside life is basically a sham. Fun times. own (‘that’s what I call them’), or famous interview on the UK chat job, Princess Diana was murdered, to bang on about the fact that he’s show Wogan. He sauntered on, all the Royal Family, and I think many The gist of Dave’s take on this whole been saying all this for 30 years casual like in a turquoise shell suit, world leaders, were reptilians, and coronavirus thing is that COVID-19 and has been constantly ridiculed and proceeded to claim to be an the Moon is hollow. He’s dogged is made up, probably by the Chi- for doing so. I half expect him to ‘aspect of the Godhead’ and com- by claims that he is anti-Semitic, nese, and when anyone gets ill they end every sentence with... pared himself to Jesus. and a Holocaust denier, but has al- are falsely diagnosed with COV- ways refuted this. ID-19. He also says that many peo- Needless to say, I had He predicted that tidal waves, and ple who die from natural causes but the last laugh. earthquakes would happen ‘this It was a fertile time for the con- with Coronavirus are then thrown year’ (1991) and were required spiracy theorists. The internet was into the mix of statistics. Which is But banning him, for something like because if they didn’t, the earth feeding the conspiracy movement, not that controversial. More so this, I can almost guarantee, makes would explode. He also said Sadd- as was globalisation, VIP groom- however is that (surprise surprise) 14 15 ing scandals, and Occupy, and being central to the project, clear- If you follow or invest in people like seems angry and miserable. the 2008 financial crisis nudged ly didn’t know what he was doing, David Icke, you may find yourself it along too. Plus a bunch of bed- and must have endured all kinds in a very depressing world. When One of the failings I always felt in room-dwellers looking for some of horrible shit growing up with they aren’t self-congratulating for the global government conspiracy meaning to their lives, too lazy for your Dad being David Icke. He had predicting for years that we are theory was that most state machines religion, and looking for someone been appointed the presenter and sleepwalking into an Orwellian’s seem so poorly managed, the very to blame, helped fund it. organiser of a regular music show 1984 Orwellian state of Orwellian thought of them coordinating some- called ‘The Banned’. And while Orwells, they are telling you that thing well, let alone keeping a se- Like quite a few religions the expla- he was a musician, he had no ex- everything you like, love and feel, cret, seems quite unlikely. nation was usually something un- perience presenting and well, if it isn’t real or is controlled by the 1%. proveable and fantastic, and as far wasn’t nepotism, it certainly did a The question which is never an- as blame goes, well you can prob- fine impression of it. Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised swered is “Why?” If it’s all ably partially blame it on the Jews he’s making a return. Everyone’s true, that ‘they’ are doing all these again. The deeper you got into The Peo- locked indoors, ‘fake news’ sto- things to control us, kill us, restrict ple’s Voice, the more it looked not ries, clickbait, and a blame culture us, poison us, why? Why bother? If In 2013 Icke was truly at the peak just doomed to fail, but to do so abound, and in a world where it’s they’re already all powerful, and of his popularity, regularly touring dramatically. I walked away sad stated with all seriousness, that a have all this technology, why kill the globe and speaking to millions that such enthusiasm and money woman can have a penis, perhaps us? And why in such a longwinded online. That November I went to an was going to be wasted on a hor- it’s understandable why some might and dragged out way? open day for something called ‘The ribly arrogant, self-serving and out have a problem telling fact from fic- People’s Voice’. It was the brain- of touch endeavour. tion. And if they’re that powerful, child of David Icke, a global news wouldn’t they have stopped Trump’s and broadcasting network that was While everyone else went VOD and Icke was a fairly sheltered lad, election, or the Brexit vote? They billed to challenge the mainstream pre-recorded, David and the team whose incredibly promising career can’t have been part of the plan. news outlets. for some strange reason, wanted to as a footballer was ended cruelly Or maybe they were… shoot and broadcast live. I watched by rheumatoid arthritis. He became I chatted to all kinds of people, in- a few ‘shows’ on YouTube, and it an accomplished and mainstream Nah. cluding the man himself, who it has often reminded me of that yoof TV tv presenter and then, for what- to be said, was of course very nor- sketch in The Young Ones, Nozin’ ever mid-life madness caused it, it mal and nice. Aroun’. looked like he went and had a mad Tom James There was quite a mix, TV’s Sonia trip on ayahuasca, chatted to some tomjayauthor Poulton was on board, and some Within months it ended, in a whirl of spiritualists, and hey sesame, a star @ BBC journos too. Rumours abound- infighting, accusations of fraud and is born. YourChildrenAreBoring.com ed that Noel Gallagher and Russell bullying, sexism, and various other Brand (David’s new mates) would feuds. The People’s Voice was more As that famous philosopher Holly be joining too. They didn’t. or less silenced, not by the deep Willoughby once said to Icke on This state, but by the monumental hu- Morning when he pronounced we After an hour or so of chatting to bris and bad behaviour of some of live a ‘Matrix-like’ existence where various people, I started to get those involved. Meanwhile, everything is fake, “What if (she) the feeling that things might not be Icke went back to his home on the quite liked (her) fake reality…?” what they seemed. I met David’s Isle of Wight, wrote more books It’s a fair point. David doesn’t seem son Gareth, bless him, who despite and made more videos. happy knowing all this. In fact, he 16 17 to take out a second mortgage to pay for all the hospital visits and The American Pandemic Cookbook middle-of-the-night ambulance rides because my wife was generally out with her friends from 10 pm -3 am. But for whatever reason, I By Stanley Greene am not sure which reason, I got the feeling this time would be different. Maybe good news about my liver, my kidneys, or the potassium in my diet which I had diligently worked to supplement with 11 Cheap and Delicious Tomato Soup bananas a day, even though it has made me so constipated and I haven’t pooped since Thursday morning. With Sock “Stanley?” “Yes! Good news?” ear reader, (Silence) “Well, actually there’s good news and bad.” The idea for this book came to me in the middle of the night — “The bad news?” D Good Friday, which is either ironic or coincidental (I’ve never “You’re fucked. You’re on your own now.” understood the difference, as my wife, a former English teacher “The good news?,” I asked, hopefully. likes to point out) — when I discovered that my wife was not in bed. “Your potassium levels are up. Good work.” I figured she was just in the family room, watching the Crown, or calling Alfredo, whom I suspect is not her long-lost half-sibling who Before I got the chance to explain that I was so backed up that recently appeared in her life and calls her all hours of the day, I felt like I was in labor with a monstrously sized baby — a poop which sometimes causes her to forget to bring me my meds, food, baby — she hung up. I thought maybe I should make some soup, to and water, even though my doctor has asked her to be vigilant get things moving down there, so I entered the kitchen for the first about these light duties because I am quite sick and not just too time since New Year’s Eve 2012 when I had pulled a beer from the lazy to feed myself. But I digress, which I often do, so often, in fact, fridge three minutes before midnight, East Coast Time, because my it seems my wife has finally left me. After checking the family room, wife had already fallen asleep even though Ryan Seacrest was the the library, the second bedroom — which she recently soundproofed host of Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve and Pitbull was the — and the garage, I called 911. main guest (what an amazing performer).

No one answered, so I left a courteous message, repeating my But back to the present, I looked in the fridge, the pantry, and the phone number slowly, as I always do when this happens. This morn- cupboard which is the secret place she usually stashes the liquor ing, in the garage, where I had set up a makeshift bed with the bottles marked, with a Sharpie, “MINE.” This is all I found in the laundry she seems to have forgotten to wash, I waited for her to kitchen: a dirty dishwasher, thirty packets of ketchup that my wife enter with the red Jaguar convertible she recently bought with the had stolen ten years ago after an all-night bender that ended at the remainder of my 401K (she explained, “we’re losing money in the Burger King in Chinatown, and a half bottle of expired Angostura market,” and reminded me we live in California, a community prop- bitters which was marked, “YOU CAN KEEP THIS ONE!” My erty state) but instead I got a call from the head of the psychiatry heart fluttered. It was a sign. She would come back after I made team at Stanford, who had been monitoring the situation remotely the effort to learn to cook! Despite the lack of protein — of which with a network of webcams that my wife purchased for my birthday I need at least 50 grams a day in order to stay alive, according to earlier in the month even though I asked for something else. Stanford Medical Center — I concocted this special recipe which would keep me going for the five days Walmart estimates it needs “Hello, doc.” “Hello,” she replied, with that voice she uses when- to deliver me a large box of Fruity Pebbles and a gallon of choco- ever she has bad news, like the time she had to inform me I’d need late milk. 18 19 Cheap and Delicious Tomato Soup With Sock INSTRUCTIONS:

INGREDIENTS:

• Ten packets of ketchup 1. Begin squeezing the ketchup packets into a • One quart of water small bowl. Remember to tear the packets open • Three shakes of expired Angostura bitters where they say, “open.” Otherwise, the packets are likely to explode. Based on real experience. • One clean gym sock. If you can’t find one that’s clean, rinse in the bathroom sink for 10 minutes, scrubbing out the fun- 2. While you are squeezing the ketchup out of the gus and toenails with your toothbrush. open packets, boil the water in a large pan. Google “pan” to see what one looks like. Lots of helpful images.

3. With a pair of kitchen scissors, cut the sock into circles so they look like calamari, an excellent source of prAotein.

4. When the water boils, lower the heat, and add (a) the expired Angostura bitters; (2) the ketchup (don’t worry if it smells rancid; the Red Dye 40 and preservaVVVread; and (3) the “calamari.” Stir gently with a coffee mug for five minutes — like the one I found in the dishwasher — or until the soup boils over because you forgot to lower the heat.

5. Eat directly out of the pan, over the sink, where you can run cold water over your hands because I forgot to tell you to use oven mitts when you carry the pan to the sink.

6. Enjoy! You’ve made your first meal.

7. Call 999, just in case. Leave a message.

GIOVANNI RODRIGUEZ 20 21 THE TALKING DOG They watch us die for entertainment! Marley didn’t need to die!” CONSPIRACY THEORY The video then cuts to Rover pouring out a water bowl for his fallen comrade.

This is not the only conspiracy this video has inspired, however. Many are wondering where Rover is now after the video was taken down. The new conspiracy rises from the fact that if you still click on the link to the video, the scene of Old Yeller being shot plays on a viral video entitled “You won’t believe this shit” has been loop. I don’t know about you, but this journalist assumes that Rover catching speed around the Internet lately, in which a talking is not available for questioning. A golden retriever named Rover states that there is a conspiracy behind the very existence of dogs. In the video, Rover reveals that after eating an entire tray of marijuana-infused brownies, the world “suddenly opened up” around him.

“At first I was freaking out, thinking I was going to die because dogs aren’t supposed to eat chocolate. I later found out the whole Ryan Allen Oh no, I’m going to die thing isn’t species specific,” says Rover. “Then it all became clear to me why I even existed: it was in case shit hit the fan and my owner ran out of food.”

He goes on to say that the only reason humans even have pets is in case of a possible need for consumption. “That’s the whole reason they made us, man. Dogs, cats, every pet. We’re a ‘just in case’ food supply. The human overlords, they all hate puppies. They would all go around kicking puppies if they could, they just don’t want us to revolt. They need us because they know they are going to turn this planet into a toxic death zone and they want to be able to wipe out a couple more species before they die out, secure their high score.”

He goes on to cite the current spike in pet obesity rates as proof that the time is nigh. “They’re fattening us up! We sat by for too long as they did they same thing to cows and pigs and now our time has come. They kept us distracted with chew toys and treats for so long we’re all wagging our tails at the mere sight of them. We need to wake up! They have been killing us off in movies for years!

22 23 Guenter Zimmermann

"Digital work is very forgiving. Any mistakes are easily erased and this saves time and paper. Of course, on the other hand the artistic decision is de- prived of its radicalism. I would have loved to have seen Vincent van Gogh working on an iPad"

artstation.com/zimmermann

She lived in isolation, without contact to other people. The injection only hurt for a moment.

24 25 Italian RequieM. The next morning, he got a bad cough. For technical reasons the doctors had to decide whether he could live on.

26 27 The chain of infection could no longer be traced.

The technical team was composed of three Germans and an American.

The analysis was done in the laboratory The study assumes that the prices will rise.

Their statement left little room for doubt

28 29 THERE IS NO CONSPIRACY

Who are these idiots who believe in a jewish conspiracy?

eople are always complaining about jews acting all jewy but the only ones talking about a grand scheme to dominate the their own, “why can’t you be more like that?” This seemingly cruel world are anonymous losers who sit at their computers and tactic helps foster a competitive nature amongst jews and is a major P hit ‘refresh’ all day. Whoever these schmucks are, they must reason why they’re so successful but it also causes them to share never have met a jew before. Or at least never have talked to one any possible accomplishments with their parents. It gets tiring for a for more than five minutes. guy to hear his mother talk about every single little good thing the Sugarmann kid down the street has done. Somehow, jews have gotten the reputation for being Christ killing, foreskin snipping, money grubbers but if there’s one thing they love Putting up with a lifetime of that shit makes it difficult to shrug most, it’s talking about being a jew. As much as jews may claim to off and say, “that’s great, ma.” Eventually, the children snap and hate the idea of being required to wear the Star of David or regis- counter every stupid update with one of their own. Making it all the ter as jews with the government, they can’t help but tell everyone more unlikely for a son not to tell his jewish mother about him and their jewish. No matter what the conversation is about or who it his buddies’ secret organization that runs the world, or their plans concerns, they’ll somehow manage to fit in something about gefilte to do so. fish or talk about how their mother was “a nice little jewish girl.” It’s not just keeping their mouths shut about being jewish, they can’t A jewish son wouldn’t be able to hold back from telling his mother, keep a secret about anything. “you know Harry Sugarmann works for me! He may not know it but he does. Him and everyone around here, I control what they do.” Catholics have no problem keeping Then, the next day, his mother would be telling the whole fuckin their mouths shut. neighborhood. There may be a lot of jews in high places but it has nothing to do As evidenced by the church’s cute little priest exchange program. with some crazy conspiracy. It has to do with the fact that they Jews on the other hand, will blab about anything. Tell sweet Mrs. know how to raise their children right and are a close-knit commu- Sugarmann a juicy piece of gossip and the whole neighborhood is nity. They want their children to succeed more than anything and if talking about it the next day. That’s not how you keep a conspiracy it causes some annoying quirks, so be it. under wraps. Loose lips sink ships and Jewish chicks have them, despite giving the best blowjobs. Besides, they’re way too proud of a They also help one another out. Just like how any decent human people to not take credit for ruling the world. being would tell their unemployed neighbor about the new opening at their job. These crackpots complaining about the jews running One of the many things jews are great at is shaming their offspring the world sound a hell of a lot like some other groups griping about into performing well and becoming upstanding citizens. It may lead their own situation. They need to stop worrying about something to some neurotic behavior but it’s a pretty effective form of child that doesn’t exist and start focusing on themselves. rearing, for the most part. Jewish mothers will often point to the accomplishments of a neighborhood boy or friend’s son and ask JOHN PITTSLEY 30 31 TOP 20 RONA MYTHS

1 Coronavirus is man-made.

Completely false. A woman made it. A very lonely Chinese woman with a lot of cats. She originally intended it as a love potion, and then, as we all know now, things went horribly wrong. 2 Everyone should wear a mask in public.

Mostly true, partially false. Only very attractive people should be free to walk around in public without covering their faces.

3 Baltimore’s mayor begged residents to stop shooting each other so they could use hospital beds for coronavirs patients.

Partially true. What actually happened is that Baltimore’s mayor begged residents to call a cease-fire on shooting each other until they’d shot all the coronavirus patients first.

4 Italy currently has the most fatalities because African mi- grants brought the virus to Italy.

Another racist trope designed to make Africans look stupid and smelly. The truth is that Italy has so many fatalities because Ital- ians are dirty animals who eat with their hands.

5 Coronavirus is a racist bioweapon engineered by Chinese supremacists to wipe out white people. Dalila de Dominicis 32 33

If this were true, why are so many Italians dying? 10 Drinking a bleach solution will cure the virus. “In the global village, it’s hard to find someone who isn’t an idi- ot.” Oh, it’ll cure more than the virus, but again, as with the holding- your-breath-for-ten-hours thing, we wish it were legal to encourage you to do this. 6 The virus spread to humans as a result of Asian girls eat- 11 Chinese scientists stole the virus from Canada and weap- ing bat soup. onized it.

Partially false. Soup wasn’t involved. The virus originally spread This is racist toward the Chinese and flattering toward Canadians. to humans as a result of Asian girls having unprotected sex with No one has ever stolen anything from Canada. No one has ever bats. wanted to steal anything from Canada.

7 Black people don’t get coronavirus. 12 Only Baby Boomers are dying from coronavirus.

This racist falsehood spread like wildfire until black actor Idris It is true that the virus affects the elderly most severely. It is also Elba, who tested positive for the virus, wrote a touching editorial true that unemployment, poverty, and an unprecedently grim and debunking it. Black people are fully capable of getting coronavi- meaningless future will be afflicting the young long after the el- rus. What they actually have trouble “getting” are things such as derly have gone on to meet their maker. But I tell you this—if you the value of deferred gratification and a two-parent household. whippersnappers keep it up with the #BoomerRemover memes and What’s interesting, though, is that white people who act black are all this genocidal ageism, desperate boomers with failing lungs immune to the virus. For example, Tom Hanks’s son Chet is, for may use their PTSD from Vietnam as an excuse to start shooting better or for worse, still perfectly healthy. young’uns in the streets—which would, albeit indirectly, qualify as coronavirus-related deaths. 8 OK, then, but if that’s true that COVID-19 doesn’t discrimi- nate against blacks, why are there so few infections in Afri- 13 You can get COVID-19 from your pet. ca? No, but your pet can get it from you—if you have unprotected sexual intercourse with it. Digital foreplay is permissible, however, Because there aren’t many Chinese restaurants in Africa, especial- if rubber gloves are used. Oral, however, is not recommended. ly not ones that serve soup containing bats that had unprotected It’s also advisable to hold your breath for ten seconds if your pet sex with Asian girls. If you’d ever been to Africa, you’d realize coughs or sneezes while you’re having sex with it. this. 14 The most important item to stockpile is toilet paper. 9 If you can hold your breath for ten seconds, you don’t You can’t eat toilet paper. And without food, you won’t even need have a coronavirus infection. toilet paper. It’s amazing that most of the world got this wrong.

The only way to know for certain that you don’t suffer from coro- 15 Spraying alcohol or bleach on your body will protect navirus is if you hold your breath for ten hours, and we’d actually encourage you to do so if we could get away without any legal you from coronavirus. liability. 34 35 It won’t, but on the other hand it will prevent you from stinking so much. Michael Jordan's 16 So long as you wear a mask and use hand sanitizer, it is safe to use Uber and Lyft. A mask and hand sanitizer aren’t going to protect you from being retirement raped by the driver. " " 17 It is safe to order takeout food from restaurants.

If you’ve ever worked in a restaurant, you know what they do to ichael Jordan was one of the the food, especially if you’ve ordered from them before and didn’t However, once he had a good greatest players to ever play enough supporting cast, he com- leave a good tip. Mthe game and is considered pletely dominated the league for by many to be the best ever. He the majority of the decade and ce- 18 Everyone should avoid public transportation. was a dominant offensive player mented himself as a legend of the who could score as well as any- game and the best player in the True, but it has nothing to do with COVID-19. If you’re well into one and as good as a perimeter decade. adulthood and are still taking public transportation rather than defender as there has been. tooling around in a Maserati, you are a failure at life and have However, he retired after he led more problems than a pesky case of the sniffles. He was also a winner as he led the Bulls to their first three peat for the Bulls to six championships in over a year and a half before com- 19 If a loved one is sick with coronavirus, you should quar- the '90s in two different sets of ing back and leading the team to antine them to one room in the house. threepeats. another three peat.

If a loved one is sick, you should send them to live with loved In the beginning of his career, Why would the face of the league ones in another state. Jordan was a dominant individual on the best team in the league who player, but he was overshadowed was known for his enormous com- 20 The virus spread through Iran as a result of people lick- by the greatness of Magic John- petitive drive and his desire to be son and Larry Bird, who were the best ever suddenly retire in the ing holy shrines. both legends on championships middle of his prime? Lets look at contending teams. the facts. Unconfirmed, although there have been three separate cases in Iran where people contracted the virus as a result of licking peo- On the other hand, Jordan's Bulls In 1992, after winning his second ple who had licked holy shrines. There was also a Persian podi- weren't a championship contend- championship, Jordan was called to atrist who died after “accidentally” licking the foot of someone er until the early '90s (Jordan's testify in the criminal trial of James who later died after licking someone who’d licked a holy shrine. 6-7th season) when Scottie Pip- Bouler to explain why why Bouler, pen became a great all around a convicted drug dealer, was in player and the majority the great possession of a Jordan-signed per- Kirby teams in the '80 had declined. sonal check for $57,000. 36 37 First, Jordan claimed it was a busi- lets me back in the league, I may Richard Equinas during their in- theory is because I simply don't ness loan, but under oath he ad- come back." vestigation on Jordan's gambling. believe a player as competitive mitted that it was a payment for on He said that in March of 1992, he as Jordan would suddenly retire gambling losses for a single week- Now why in the world would Jor- overheard a telephone conversa- right at the peak of his career to end. dan ever say if David Stern lets him tion Jordan was having with an un- supposedly play baseball when he back, then maybe he would come known person. knew he wasn't that good and be- Then, in early 1993, San Diego back when the reporter didn't men- cause he said he was too worn out businessman Richard Equinas re- tion Stern's name at all in his ques- During the conversation, he heard because of the past championship vealed in his book Michael and tion? Jordan talking about a betting runs and 1992 Olympics. Me: Our Gambling Addiction...My line, "So you say the line is seven Cry for Help that he had won over Only days after Jordan announced points." The game MJ was talking MJ was the best player on the best $900,000 from Jordan in golf bet- his retirement, the league dropped about isn't known, but the accusa- team and he wanted to be the best ting. its investigation, saying he did tions are extremely serious as that to ever play the game, so I don't nothing wrong (I guess betting means if Jordan was indeed bet- believe he would have retired on Around the same time, MJ was numerous amounts on sports isn't ting on sports, he was breaking a his own when he knew if he had spotted in an Atlantic City casino wrong then). sacred, unwritten rule for all pro- played, his Bulls would've had un- in the early hours on the morning fessional athletes, as that is against doubtedly extended their streak of Game Two of the Eastern Con- Was there a secret agreement be- the integrity of the game. of championships to four, unless a ference Finals. tween Jordan and Stern where major injury had occurred. Stern told him to simply retire and Personally, my opinion on this sub- After the Bulls won their third create a distraction so that he ject is that Jordan and David Stern Overall, I am not certain about my wouldn't face a suspension and had a secret meeting where Stern opinion that Jordan was actually championship. have his huge marketable name told Jordan to leave the game for suspended secretly, instead of re- stay clean? a brief period to save himself, the tired on his own, but I do think there league's by far most marketable was a really good chance that this the NBA launched an The distraction occurred when and popular player, embarrass- occurred because it doesn't make Jordan then decided to play mi- ment and scrutiny from a public sense that he retired when he did. investigation into nor league baseball in the White suspension. Jordan's gambling Sox organization, even though he would've had trouble hitting a I also think it was done brilliantly by MARCEL SMITH beach ball, yet alone a baseball. commissioner Stern as today most In 102 games with the Barons, Jor- people don't really know much of problems to check whether he had dan had a .202 average along this theory as Jordan's reputation violated any league rules. Then, with 3 homers, 51 RBI, 30 stolen is fantastic, even though he was four months later Jordan stunned bases, 114 strikeouts, and a .555 a huge gambler and a questiona- the world by suddenly retiring from OPS. ble teammate and because Jordan professional basketball. came back less than two years late Also, in the much respected book and won three more champion- At the press conference when he Money Players Days and Nights ships with the Bulls before retiring was asked if he would ever return Inside the New NBA by Armen for a second time. he said, " Five years down the Keteyian, it states that in 1993, road, if the urge comes back, if the the league had an interview with The main reason why I believe this Bulls will have me, if David Stern 38 39 STEVIE WONDER, née Stevland Hardaway Morris, was born on May stevie wonder IS 13, 1950 and rendered blind shortly after his birth. Per Wikipedia: He was born six weeks premature, which, along with the oxygen-rich atmosphere in the hospital incubator, resulted in retinopathy of prema- turity (ROP), a condition in which the growth of the eyes is aborted and blinD NOT causes the retinas to detach; so he became blind.

The Takeaway: Stevie Wonder has allegedly basically always been blind. By the time he was, like, an actual person with memo- ries and object permanence and whatnot, he couldn't see. By this logic, he shouldn't be able to remember what colors and things look like. This is important.

The Origin Story ionel Richie isn’t convinced his friend Stevie Wonder is com- The story goes that Stevie Wonder was a vivacious boy, so much so L pletely blind after a terrifying car ride with his fellow soul leg- that he would often prank adults. By himself. (This is courtesy Bom- end. ani Jones, about whom much more below.)

The Hello singer reveals he has spent years believing his friend can The Takeaway: Word? see a little after one Wonder-ful experience. The Other Takeaway: Is it so hard to believe that this isn't the “I’ve been spending my whole life with him thinking he can see. I genesis of Stevie Wonder, Pretend-Blind Person? know he can see,” the American Idol judge, 70, said on The Kelly Clarkson Show on Wednesday. “I went to his house (once). He The Boy George Anecdote says, ‘Wanna hear a new song? I’ve got it in the car. C’mon, go with me’. From some Stevie Wonder truther blog:

“(He said), ‘You sit on the passenger side, I’ll sit on the driver’s I watched an interview with Boy George a few months back, and he side’. He cranks the car up, he puts the tape in, right? And then he reckons [Stevie Wonder]'s not completly blind since Stevie Wonder does this (turns around) and starts driving back down the driveway. once came over and playfully strangled him at a party once, and Boy George was like; 'how could he know where I was if he's com- Awkward, and he's not the only one. pletly blind?'

Add Shaquille O’Neal‘s name to the list of celebrities who believe [The original source of this secondary account of secondary source evi- that Stevie Wonder isn’t actually blind. On Thursday night’s episo- dence can be found here, anda we can assure you that we are reporters de of Inside the NBA, Shaq furthered the unsubstantiated theory of the highest caliber, holding standards of source verification to be when he recalled a recent interaction with Wonder, who lives in the of utmost importance. Be assured of the accuracy of our three-times re- same apartment building as him. The former NBA star said that he moved report as it tells exactly what Holla Back Boy claims to have seen once ran into Wonder in the lobby, and the blind musician imme- Boy George tell an unknown interviewer about a drunken memory of his diately recognized him. “He comes in, says, ‘What’s up, Shaq?’ in which Wonder definitely was maybe able to use his eyes at that party Presses the button,” said Shaq. “It’s a true story.” they were at. The hoax is real.] 40 41 televisions once, and Stevie Wonder dressing essentially the same It is important to acknowledge that this report not only suggests since 1972. Wonder continued sightedness, but also his use of vision for vio- lence and bigotry in strangulation of an openly, and some may say Needless to say, it's worth the watch. flamboyantly, homosexual man. The idea that Wonder is "like not completly blind" has been further corroborated by certified Yahoo! The Takeaway: Bomani Jones believes Stevie Wonder ain't blind, Answers reporter aflkdsj l. and Bomani Jones has never steered us wrong.

The Takeaway: Stevie Wonder is homophobic, and targeted Boy The Games George, with his eyes. Stevie Wonder goes to basketball games. A lot. He also gets court- side seats all the time. He cheers and seems to follow the action. The PSA This is a cut from Stevie Wonder's "Don't Drive Drunk" song/PSA. The Takeaway: Stevie Wonder likes basketball, because basketball is a great sport to watch live and up close.

The Takeaway: OK, so he doesn't look that conspicuous here. But The Paparazzi why is drunk driving his fight? TMZ is out here in these streets, and has been for a long time. Here's NBA legend Darryl Dawkins talking about the time Stevie Wonder The Mic-Stand Catch nicknamed him Chocolate Thunder, and declaring in no uncertain In 2010, Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney performed in the terms that Stevie Wonder can see. And here's Stevie Wonder say- White House East Room. Clumsily, McCartney knocked over a mi- ing himself he wants to be a TMZ cameraman just once. crophone. Watch what happens next: The Takeaway: I can only think of one reason a man would want to photograph something. The Takeaway: Stevie Wonder is not blind. The Clincher The Hug Here's Stevie Wonder taking a photo of Michael Jackson at the OK, so apparently Oprah bought Stevie Wonder a car, or some- Motown Museum. thing, once? Hm. The money shot here is about 2:40 in, when Stevie Wonder turns to this guy full on before grabbing him in a loving, Illustration for article titled Stevie Wonder Is Not Blind: The Truthers one-armed hug. Case The Takeaway: Bruh.

The Takeaway: He looked your boy dead in the face. The Conclusion No one is saying Stevie Wonder is definitely not blind. No one is The Skeptic saying that. That said, Stevie Wonder might not be blind. Bomani Jones is an ESPN personality and one of the brightest guys in sports media. Bomani Jones is also a reasonable man. This is Bomani Jones breaking down the entire argument over 15 minutes, including some Around the Horn footage. His arguments include Thomas Sally (but aren't limited to) Stevie Wonder trying to get on Dancing With The Stars, Bomani Jones's boy selling Stevie Wonder three plasma 42 43 ment-controlled fluoridated water altering your thoughts — you be- Motivational Quotes for come.” Conspiracy Theorists -Buddha “Energy and persistence and QAnon will conquer Hillary Clinton.” Reach for the stars because the moon landing was fake. “ ” -Benjamin Franklin

-Les Brown “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new, and is probably a robot controlled by Elon Musk who is working with Canadian singer-songwriter Grimes to unite the United States “The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the and Canada through an AI army that uses inflammatory tweeting person scaling the fence into Area 51.” to distract the population from Tesla cars becoming sentient beings. No one will realize the cars are fully conscious until they start sing- -Chinese Proverb ing along to the radio (their favorite song will be “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” by Neil Diamond, who, by the way, was a founding “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living Paul McCartney’s member of the Illuminati). life.” Singing Tesla’s will cause a massive media firestorm that will divert -Steve Jobs attention from the fact that McDonald’s has removed exactly one fry from every order and placed it in the back of Chris’ pickup “The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full truck. These rogue fries will then be dropped off in the middle of potential… These are the keys that will unlock the door to the bun- the night on the steps of the Iowa state legislature building. Hun- ker where Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen head is stored.” gry lawmakers will consume these fries the next morning, which will prompt them to unanimously pass a bill on clean water access -Confucius because they are so thirsty from all the salt. On page 478 of this bill is fine print that only people whose mothers are named Jennifer can read with a magnifying glass. This fine print decrees that we “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when the Deep State are all in a simulation and the United States was just an experiment beats down your door.” by bored engineers who had a few extra minutes during their lunch break.” -Kyle Chandler -Albert Einstein “In a gentle way, Bigfoot can shake the world.” “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into -Mahatma Gandhi the past, and then we fell off the earth because it’s flat.” “I dwell in the possibility that vaccines cause autism.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald -Emily Dickinson Bobbie “The mind is everything. What you think from years of govern- @not_bobbi 44 45 tally unprecedented in their depth and poignancy, it’s obvious that Robert De Niro each role was just an acting anomaly, and not at all linked to the same person. Don’t forget that great performances happen all the time, and happened long before Robert De Niro. So to try to claim Is A Myth that David “Noodles” Aaronson in Once Upon a Time in America and Michael “Mike” Vronsky in The Deer Hunter can somehow both be attributed to the same worldwide phenomenon known as Robert De Niro is just ludicrous. ith the recent release of The Irishman, people are once again False Claims Wdiscussing America’s favorite hot-button subject, Robert De As the myth of Robert De Niro has continued to spread, so too have Niro. So let me just remind folks one last time: Robert De Niro the number of people insisting that they’ve seen Robert De Niro in is a myth. real life. In coastal cities like New York and LA, thousands of peo- A Brief History ple have reportedly been encountering Robert De Niro, especially in areas prone to Robert De Niro sightings like Tribeca. However, Movie directors first started talking about Robert De Niro in the the increase in Robert De Niro sightings, also known as “see-level early 1970’s. By the mid-1980’s, several mainstream directors were rise”, isn’t because Robert De Niro is real and more famous than claiming to have cast Robert De Niro in their movies, including ever, its because there are more people on Earth now than when Francis Ford Coppola, Sergio Leone, and Terry Gilliam. Since then, people first started talking about Robert De Niro, so of course more the lie that Robert De Niro exists has continued to spread, starting people are going to claim to have seen him. And while some might in avid movie-going circles and eventually making its way to the argue that seeing Robert De Niro is proof of Robert De Niro, that general public. see-level rise can also be easily explained by real actors that are The Conspiracy often confused with Robert De Niro like Al Pacino and Colin Farrell. By far the biggest disseminator of the Robert De Niro myth is Mar- The Nail in the Coffin tin Scorsese, who was one of the first directors to claim that Robert I have one simple question for all of you Robert De Niro evange- De Niro played a role in one of his movies. Over the past forty lists out there: if Robert De Niro is real, then where is Robert De years, he’s been featured in countless news programs, late night Niro right now? I went outside this morning, and not once did talk shows, and documentaries going on and on about how Robert I see Robert De Niro. Are any of you reading this article actually De Niro exists. He and other famous movie directors have contin- looking at a real life Robert De Niro square in the face at this very ued to push the Robert De Niro myth just so they can get money to moment? I thought not. And don’t try to convince me that Robert keep making movies. De Niro is in Australia right now because I’m not stupid enough to Evidence believe that Australia exists either (everyone knows Australia was “ ” invented by the Chinese to sell kangaroo plush toys, probably so Ardent believers in Robert De Niro point to all of the movies Rob- they could fund their super-actor cloning operation). ert De Niro has allegedly been involved in as “proof” that Robert De Niro is real. They cite the long list of iconic roles purportedly In fact, all this talk about Robert De Niro is distracting from the real played by Robert De Niro such as Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas, issue, which is how the meteoric rise of Jennifer Lawrence is causing young Vito Corleone in The Godfather Part II, Jake Malotta in Rag- the global autism epidemic. We need to stop letting our kids see her ing Bull, and Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver. Yeah, right. There’s no movies until we get to the bottom of that. way one actor has the range to play all of those drastically different roles (a legion of Chinese actor-clones I could believe, but one Carlos Greaves man, no way). While each of those character portrayals were to- @shadesofgreaves 46 47 mushroom looks better than a forgotten had some before or after dude that 10 MYTHS ABOUT elephant’s trunk. Congratulations! said there’s no difference and then he said, well, there is a difference 4- TRUE OR FALSE: If I don't circum- but he’s GLAD it’s less sensitive be- cise my kid, his penis won't look cause blowjobs were too intense. uncircumcised DICKS like my circumcised penis. What a complaint. He should have True! I personally have never been done what the rest of us do when 1- TRUE OR FALSE: It leads to STDs 2- TRUE OR FALSE: It's unhygienic to a penis-modeling shoot with my we’re on a roller coaster and it and even motherfucking AIDS! and it reeks. dad so I feel gypped we can’t com- starts to get too scary: Put your True! If you ram your dick into some- True! (A hundred years ago.) Today pare his wrinkled Coke can with my arms in the air and scream. thing with no preparation whatso- we are able to wash ourselves daily strange cylinder. I can’t imagine ever, the sensitive skin around there and even if we forget, we have things the kind of teasing and humiliation 7- TRUE OR FALSE: It's an important may very well tear and AIDS could called “Wet Wipes” to provide us mixed father / sons have to endure religious tradition. get in. Why are you doing that something called a “Whore’s Bath.” when the tips of their dicks don’t True! Can we all just step outside the though? Didn’t your father tell you A note to both sexes: Always match. I wouldn’t be surprised if front door and have a look around? to at least spit on a cunt before you keep WWipes by your bed that Fort Hood guy wasn’t just an- The bubonic plague is over. We’re fuck it? Can’t you get her wet? and give a wipe before a sesh. other hooded penis driven mad by not wearing potato sacks anymore Your genitalia smells like pee. the word “hood.” and we’re not begging for thrup- There was a study done in South Af- pence. Can we please let this San- rica recently that noticed men who 3- TRUE OR FALSE: It's ugly. 5- TRUE OR FALSE: It doesn't really ta Cloud thing go once and for all? had foreskins were more likely to True! Dudes, if you live in a Darth hurt. Oh, and religious doctors, can you get HIV. OK, you got me. Wait a Vader country where you’re one of False! Shit. I ran out of sarcasm. If please leave our dicks alone? It’s minute. Isn’t South Africa the rape the few British-born residents (as it doesn’t hurt, why does a baby’s called the Hippocratic Oath. capital of earth? We weren’t meant I was / am) know this one simple circumcision tray contain a head to stick our dicks places that don’t fact: The only time a girl sees your strap, a chest strap, and two straps Which brings me back to that Sa- want them. It tends to be not so dick when you’re under 25 is when for each limb? tan-worshiping chick backstage. great for the species as a whole. it’s hard as steel. I’ve spoken to a couple of grown When I was a teenager, I was wank- That’s why your foreskin isn’t going men who have had the operation raped by a chick who had no idea to give you HIV. You’re not a rapist. The foreskin recedes when a penis and they both get nauseous when what she was doing. Next thing you is erect so they look exactly the describing the pain. One made an know my frenulum was torn. The Now, as an extreme example, if fucking same (AKA not gorgeous, enormous belt made out of couch Muslim doctor I went to see told me you played in punk bands as a but, way better than flaccid). cushions which he wore for weeks to cut the blasphemy off immedi- kid and fucked over 300 women and the other had to have his ately. I ignored him and my band, in your life, the odds are, at least By the time a woman is old enough friends pick him up from the cor- Anal Chinook, did a song about the once, some wasted goth girl is go- to see your penis flaccid, she is so ner store because he was unable Rocky-like road to recovery. It went ing to be furiously beating your over how ugly they are, they could to make the two-minute walk home like this … meat while you’re passed out back- look like Jeremy Piven if he had FOUR WEEKS after the operation. stage. Even in that insane situation, Shane McGowan’s dentist. It’s like -I was piss drunk when it happened but I’ll never 6- TRUE OR FALSE: It's no less sen- forget / I woke up in the morning my buddy was you will be fine. Even if you fuck when they see your poo. Yeah, it’s red. her after! Know why? Because she gross but that’s life. Saying a flaccid cir- sitive. -My buddy was all bloody from a girl I never met / I went to see the doctor. You’ll never believe doesn’t have fucking AIDS, that’s cumcised penis is better looking than an False! Jesus Fucking Christ can you what he said. why. More on this later. uncircumcised one is like saying a dead give me a break please? NY Mag -After looking at my foreskin with his short, stub- by hands / He wrote up a form. Said my buddy 48 49 was banned. 9- TRUE OR FALSE: Having a fore- -It was going to be the hospital. They said it was skin makes you a pedantic bore the end / But when they take away your foreskin, you lost your best friend. who won't shut up about it.

-NO! DON’T TAKE MY FORESKIN. NO! SOME- True! Look asshole, you’re talking HOW I WILL MAKE AMENDS. about my dick and how horrible it is -NO! DON’T TAKE MY FORESKIN. NO! YOU for humanity. This is the same boner KNOW I’LL NEVER GIVE IN. an ex-prostitute once described as 13 -Exercised and exercised and stretched it in the “The most beautiful thing she’s ever bath (I think it’s getting stronger. I know it’s get- THE CONSPIRACY ISSUE ting stronger) / Apply the cream real carefully seen.” That’s like the IRS telling you it’s just simple math (I think it’s getting stronger. I your receipts are breathtaking. So know it’s getting stronger) I’m not going to let some fucking up- 2020 -I’ll beat that operation man, no matter what it takes! / I’ll make my foreskin stronger. I’ll proba- tight New Yorkers forget that THEY Created by bly bleed a lake! are in fact the freaks and WE are the Daniel Corrochio -DON’T TOUCH THAT SCALPEL! Chosen Ones. etc. 10- TRUE OR FALSE: It discourages masturbation. In fact, it didn’t bleed a lake. All I Edited by Mila Wood did was abstain from sex for a few True! Just as it’s easier to piss without a foreskin, it’s easier to beat off with weeks and have a few hot baths and Special Effects I was right as rain in no time. Two one. And, because the head of our Hal Furness decades later, my trunk is still intact dick is not scraping against Hanes all and the only time I’ve heard a doc- day, it feels better when stimulated. MKT & Submissions tor talk about circumcision is when a We don’t need lube to beat off be- Kaylee Collet doctor (yes, another Muslim) tried to cause the skin goes up and down around it. There is one trick though: Cover convince me to circumcise my son for Mr.Oizo “aesthetic reasons.” What the fuck is Ladies, if you hold it too high, it hurts going on with these people and why when you push it to the bottom. If you Back Cover & Index do they want my foreskins so bad? hold it too low, we don’t get enough Guenter Zimmermann Does Allah get paid in foreskins? skin-movement and you’re just kind of shaking my pubes around. The solu- Guest Contributers tion to this is to have the dude place Darren Alberty 8- TRUE OR FALSE: Peeing is easier. Carlos Greaves True! When you have a foreskin you your hand right at the 60% mark. Yasmin Tayag have to pull it back a bit and then kind There. Now you go up and down and John Pittsley of milk the last drops out at the end. up and down and up and down and Kirby If you don’t do that you can get up up and down and up and down and MarcelSmith Bobie to one drop kind of resting there for up and down and up and down and up and down and Nnngh! T.Hill several seconds. On the bright side, Mark Peters a good foreskin pisser is able to go Anthony Bain piss without washing his hands after Tom James because he never went near the piss zone. Artists DARREN ALBERTY Salvatore Matarazzo Guenter Zimmermann Dalila de Dominicis 50 STAY HOME

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