351 Pleasant St, Suite B-319 Northhampton, MA 01060 413.587.3500 HELPLINE: 1.888.PREVENT www.stopitnow.org [email protected]
Prevent Child Sexual Abuse: Facts about sexual abuse and how to prevent it 351 Pleasant St, Suite B-319 Northhampton, MA 01060 413.587.3500 HELPLINE: 1.888.PREVENT New Mexicowww Coalition.stopitnow.or gof Sexual Assaultinfo@stopitno Programs,w.org Inc. 3909 Juan Tabo NE, Suite 6 Albuquerque, NM 87111 (505) 883-8020 (within the Albuquerque Area) (888) 883-8020 (outside of the Albuquerque Area) e-mail: [email protected] Web site: www.nmcsap.org NMCSAP is a member of the Stop It Now! network.
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© 2008 Stop It Now! All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from Stop It Now! PREVENTION, TREATMENT A HAPPINESS WORTH DEFENDING AND RECOVERY RESOURCES
Stop It Now!® The Association for the Treatment 351 Pleasant St., Suite B–319, Northampton, MA of Sexual Abusers (ATSA) 01060 4900 SW Griffith Drive, Suite 274, Beaverton, OR Office: 413.587.3500 97005 Helpline: 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368) Office: 503.643.1023 Fax: 503.643.5084 Email: [email protected] Email: [email protected] Website: www.stopitnow.org Website: www.atsa.com Stop It Now! offers adults the tools they need to A national organization developing and disseminating prevent sexual abuse before a child is harmed. We professional standards and practices in the field of sex provide support, information and resources that offender research, evaluation, and treatment. Call or enable individuals and families to keep children safe email for a referral to a local treatment provider. and create healthier communities. In collaboration with our network of community-based programs, we National Center on Sexual Behavior of Youth reach out to adults who are concerned about their 940 N.E. 13th St., 3B-3406, Oklahoma City, OK 73104 own or others’ sexualized behavior toward children. Office: 405.271.8858 Contact our confidential, national toll-free HELPLINE Website: www.ncsby.org (1.888.PREVENT) for support, resources and referrals Information concerning sexual development and or visit our website at www.stopitnow.org. youth with sexual behavior problems. Kids are terrific—happy, innocent, and free. They The Safer Society Foundation National Center for Victims of Crime (NCVC) can remind us of what is best about ourselves. When P.O. Box 340, Brandon, VT 05733-0340 2000 M St., NW, Suite 480, Washington, DC 20036 Office: 802.247.3132 Fax: 802.247.4233 Office: 202.467.8700 Fax: 202.467.8701 they are sexually abused, that happiness is dimmed, Website: www.safersociety.org Toll-free: 1.800.FYI.CALL (1.800.394.2255) sometimes for life. With your help, more kids will get Call for a referral to a local treatment provider for TDD: 1.800.211.7996 to grow up full of light and life. a child, adolescent or adult with sexual behavior Email: [email protected] or [email protected] concerns. (M-F, 9–4:30 p.m. ET). Also provides Website: www.ncvc.org publications for youth or adults with sexual behavior An information and referral center for victims. Kids shouldn’t have to try to prevent problems, their families, survivors, treatment Through its database of over 30,000 organizations, One in three girls and sexual abuse all by themselves. We providers, and mandated reporters. Call for a free NCVC refers callers to services including crisis one in seven boys are adults have to learn to recognize when catalogue. intervention, research information, assistance with the Child Molestation Research criminal justice process, counseling, support groups, sexually abused before people are acting inappropriately and referrals to local attorneys in victim-related cases. 1 and Prevention Institute age 18. around our children…and to speak up P.O. Box 7593, Atlanta, GA 30357 Childhelp USA before a child is harmed. Office: 404.872.5152 National Child Abuse Hotline: 1.800.4.A.CHILD Website: www.childmolestationprevention.org (1.800.422.4453) Thank you for all you already do to help our children Online directory for sex-specific therapists for Website: www.childhelpusa.org evaluation and treatment. Extensive reading lists for Provides a broad continuum of programs that directly grow up free from sexual abuse. parents of children with sexual behavior problems and serve abused children and their families. Adults and parents of victims, for professionals, adults with sexual children can request local telephone numbers to If you know of a child who is being sexually abused, behavior concerns, adults molested as children and report cases of abuse or access crisis intervention, call the Stop It Now!® Helpline at 1.888.PREVENT their partners. information, literature, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All for information on how to report it or visit us on the The New England Adolescent Research Institute (NEARI) calls are anonymous and confidential. web at www.stopitnow.org. 70 North Summer St., Holyoke, MA 01040 The Child Welfare Information Gateway Office: 413.540.0712 Children’s Bureau/ACYF Website: www.neari.com 1250 Maryland Ave., SW, 8th Floor Catalogue of publications for professionals and Washington, DC 20024 families addressing treatment and recovery for Office: 703.385.7565 or 800.394.3366 sexually aggressive youth and youth with sexual Website: www.childwelfare.gov/ behavior problems. A resource and clearinghouse that collects, stores, organizes and disseminates information on all aspects
1 22 WHY DO WE NEED TO LEARN A CALL TO ACTION ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE OF CHILDREN?
CONTACT Our silence allows people who sexually abuse children Every day, adults miss real Children are routinely taught to ® to get and maintain access to vulnerable children. opportunities to prevent child sexual speak up if someone approaches Stop It Now! We can all help prevent and stop the sexual abuse of abuse because of misinformation and them in a sexual way. But to make our Helpline children by speaking up and by learning some simple confusing stereotypes about sexual communities safe, we need to do more. action steps. abuse. It is estimated that more than Kids shouldn’t have the burden of 1.888.PREVENT 300,000 children are sexually abused preventing sexual abuse by themselves. If you know that a child has been sexually abused, every year.2 Chances are, you already EMAIL you need to report it. You can call your local police know a boy or girl who has been Adults must act on their commitment department or your local child protective services to keeping kids safe by learning helpline@stopitnow. sexually abused—and in all likelihood office. You can also bring the child directly to a know someone who has abused a child. to recognize and respond to org therapist or a doctor, both of whom are required to By educating yourself, you can become inappropriate behaviors around kids, report the abuse. a powerful force in making the world a before a child is In 90% of child sexual VISIT More often, concerns lie in a “gray area” of vague safer place for kids. harmed. abuse cases, the child our website at uneasiness, sketchy details or uncertainty about what It’s only in the last few decades And adults knows and trusts the is actually happening. Sometimes concerns persist, www.stopitnow.org that we, as a society, have started to have to person who sexually even after an outside inquiry or evaluation fails to acknowledge how widespread child learn what abuses them.3 uncover abuse. There are still things you can do. sexual abuse has been and how much to do when Prevention is a process. Keep the conversation going. it hurts children. One in five adults it seems like If you do not know where to go or you are unsure report that they were sexually abused someone may be sexually interested of what you are seeing, you can call Stop It Now!’s as children, an experience that in children or is harming a child in a confidential, toll-free, national Helpline at 1.888. increases vulnerability to depression, sexual way. As when you see someone PREVENT (1.888.773.8368) for supportive guidance, substance abuse, aggression, and who is drinking and planning to drive: information and resources. Our Helpline is staffed other difficulties.4 More than 85% of you step forward and offer help so they by professionals who know about the issue. You can adults who were abused say they never don’t hurt someone. call to simply explore the situation and think through reported the abuse to authorities.5 Citations This guidebook contains a lot of the options for next steps. The Helpline staff is trained to In response to this new awareness, information about how adults can step 1. Briere, J., Eliot, D.M., 2003 assist with questions such as: 2. Finkelhor 2004 lawmakers have focused on managing forward and help protect children. It 3. Finkelhor 2004 • What situations make kids vulnerable convicted sex offenders and publicizing describes what to look for and how to 4. Stop It Now! unpublished • What are the signs of sexual abuse? their whereabouts. While these talk with other adults and with children market research data 1997 to measures have increased community about preventing sexual abuse. It offers 2007 • What actions can I take to keep kids safe? 5. Hanson, Resnick, Saunders, awareness, they address only a tiny guidance about what to do when you Kilpatrrick, 1999 • How can I discuss my concerns with others? portion of those who are at risk have a concern, even if you think, 6. Hunter, JA, Figueredo, A., • What kinds of help and treatment are available? to sexually harm children—those “Maybe I’m just over-reacting.” And Malamuth, NM, & Becker, JV (2003) • How do I report sexual abuse when I know it has who already have been caught and most importantly, it offers information occurred? convicted. about who to call for advice, for help, or to report a case of abuse.
21 2 WHAT EXACTLY IS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE?
If you’re not sure exactly what child reported and those who haven’t— • Notify the police if you see this Don’t wait to be notified sexual abuse is, you’re not alone. are fathers, mothers, step-parents, person in a suspicious situation. What we do know is that there are grandparents, and other family Avoid a hostile confrontation. When any adult engages in sexual people who have abused in our members (uncles, aunts, cousins). Or Making threats or taking revenge activity with a child, that is child sexual communities, some already identified, they’re neighbors, babysitters, clergy, may put you at legal risk. It’s also abuse. It is a crime in all 50 states. some not. Don’t just wait to be notified teachers, coaches, or anyone else who important to avoid any action that When the sexual activity is between about someone who has been convicted has close contact with our children. may just push the person who has children or adolescents, it is not always of a sexual offense. Talk to your family sexually abused into hiding, where so clear. Some kinds of sexual behavior We can’t tell who they are by the and friends now. Make the sexual safety normal life is almost impossible and between children might be innocent way they look. What they have in of children a priority all the time with it’s easier to go back to old abusive explorations rather than abuse. Check common is that they think about everyone in your community. ways. No matter how you feel about the section called “What sexual interactions this person, if you see him or her in About Children Who with children and It’s hard to face the a suspicious or dangerous situation, Sexually Interact With then they act on those Remember: 88% of sexual abuse is fact that someone call the police or probation/ 5 Other Children?” later in thoughts by sexually never reported. Authorities can’t we know—and parole officer. Many people who this guidebook for help in abusing a child. We notify you about most people who even like—might have sexually abused go on to live figuring out whether what know that child sexual sexually abuse because they’ve never be sexually productive, abuse-free lives. But not you’re seeing between abuse happens every been identified. inappropriate with a all will make the needed changes children may be abuse, day across the country, in their lives. Your supportive or see Stop It Now!’s with little regard watchfulness may help the person Your safety action plans for your guidebook, Do Children Sexually Abuse for social classes, racial or ethnic who has abused keep himself or family and community are the same Other Children: Preventing sexual abuse groups, religious affiliations, or sexual herself under control. whether or not you’ve been notified among children and youth. orientation. That means that adults “Yet one more tragedy is that his kids about someone with an offense in your and youth who have sexually abused a community. Think about those who are going to have to suffer for his Who sexually abuses children? child live in the same neighborhoods, may abuse in the same way that you shop in the same stores, and use the People who sexually abuse children actions with community notification stay aware of possible speeding cars, same parks that we do. We may know are likely to be people we know, and following them everywhere he goes. children in the streets, or drug dealers them personally as part of our family could even be people we care about. They are going to unfairly bear near your child’s school. or extended family, or in our circle of It would be easy to figure out who the brunt.” friends and neighbors. But we may not If you know what to look for and how sexually abuses children if they were know about their sexual interests in to take action, people who sexually like the ones we see on TV—those kids. abuse children will not have access to strangers hanging around the edges of them. Their abusive behavior can be playgrounds, or the “monsters,” who It’s hard to face the fact that someone stopped when we are all aware. They kidnap and kill children. But truthfully, we know and like might sexually abuse can get help to prevent any further they’re hardly ever like that. children. But because it’s true, we all abuse. need to know what to look for and how Most often people who sexually abuse to make sure that everyone we know children—both those who’ve been lives up to an expectation of safety in 3 20 CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE INCLUDES COMMUNITY NOTIFICATION AND YOU (cont.) TOUCHING AND NON-TOUCHING BEHAVIORS
sexually. Remember, abuse is most likely to happen with someone Touching behaviors include: Non-touching behaviors you already know. To download include: information about creating a family • Touching a child’s genitals (penis, safety plan go to www.stopitnow.org/ testicles, vulva, breasts, or anus) • Showing pornography to a child. downloads/SafetyPlan.pdf. for sexual pleasure or other • Exposing a person’s genitals to a • Look for more information. If there unnecessary purpose. child. was a public notice, ask the contact • Making a child touch someone • Asking children to interact person or organization on the notice else’s genitals, or playing sexual sexually with one another. for more information. There may be (“pants-down”) games. • Online enticement of a child for a public meeting, local resources, or • If circumstances seem right, • Putting objects or body parts (like sexual purposes. other materials that would help you consider joining another neighbor fingers, tongue or a penis) inside • Photographing a child in sexual and your family. Information may be in approaching the person with an the vulva or vagina, in the mouth, poses. offer of support, perhaps through available on the state’s sex offender or in the anus of a child for sexual • Exposing a child to adult sexual the probation or parole office. registry. pleasure or other unnecessary activity in person or through the Remember, you may already know • Attend the public community purpose. use of technology. notification meeting if there is one this person or his or her family and friends. Even if this person is new in • Watching a child undress or use so you can learn more about this the bathroom, often without the person, the risk level, and how your community, he or she is a part of it now. If the person who sexually child’s knowledge (known as he or she will be supervised in voyeurism or being a “Peeping the community. Learn about the abused is open and honest about the restrictions placed on this person past, he or she may really be trying so if you see him or her doing to change and live a different life. If you see behaviors that concern something inappropriate you know Show your support for this person’s you, please call Stop It Now!’s how to report it. willingness to live a different life that confidential toll-free Helpline at keeps children safe. Your support • Find out if a person convicted of a 1.888.PREVENT for supportive and watchfulness can help in his or sexual offense is being supervised. guidance, information or resources, her recovery. It is also a chance to Ask the person or organization who or visit us on the web at www. alert this person that you know about has notified you if the person who stopitnow.org. his or her past and are aware of his sexually abused in the past is being or her actions today. supervised by a probation or parole officer. You should be able to get the name and telephone number of the probation or parole officer. This officer may be able to answer more complex questions about the risk this person may pose to your family.
19 4 BEHAVIORAL SYMPTOMS OF POSSIBLE SEXUAL ABUSE COMMUNITY NOTIFICATION AND YOU
What is community notification? unsafe. Sometimes, just having more Some of these behavioral signs can show up at other stressful times in a child’s All states have enacted sex offender information can diminish those feelings life such as divorce, the death of a family member, friend or pet, or when and help you recognize that the there are problems in school, as well as when abuse is involved. Any single sign registration laws as a means of providing law enforcement with situation is manageable. Remember, doesn’t mean the child was abused, but several of them mean that you should supporting this person to become a begin to explore the situation more fully. an additional investigative tool. Community notification laws authorize safe member of your community is in the public release of information about everyone’s best interest. It may help Do you notice some of the following behaviors in a child you know certain registered sex offenders. You you to find out more about the person may be notified by a law enforcement and share what is helpful with your • Nightmares, sleep problems, • Leaves clues that seem likely to family. extreme fears without an obvious provoke a discussion about sexual officer when a convicted sex offender explanation issues has moved into your neighborhood. In many communities, notification Some things you can do if someone • Sudden or unexplained personality • Uses new or adult words for body includes a community education with a sexual abuse conviction is changes; seems withdrawn, angry, parts meeting where you can learn more living in your community moody, clingy, “checked-out” or • Engages in adult-like sexual about methods you can employ to • Don’t panic. Respond calmly. Act shows significant changes in eating activities with toys, objects or other prevent sexual abuse of children. with thought. Many people with habits children a history of sexually offending • An older child behaving like Since the registry lists represent a small • Develops special relationship with are motivated to succeed when a younger child (for example, proportion of sex offenders in any older friends that may include they re-enter society. Contrary to bedwetting or thumb-sucking) community, we don’t know how useful unexplained money, gifts or conventional wisdom, specialized community notification actually is for • Develops fear of certain places or privileges counseling can be effective. Re-arrest protecting children. To learn more resists being alone with an adult or • Intentionally harms himself or rates for sexual offenses are actually about how registration and community young person for unknown reasons herself, for example, drug/alcohol very low. When given steady support, notification are handled in your state, • Shows resistance to routine bathing, use, cutting, burning, running away, counseling and supervision they visit Dru Sjodin National Sex Offender toileting or removing clothes even sexual promiscuity often pose little threat to anyone in Registry at www.nsopr.gov. in appropriate situations • Becomes increasingly secretive the neighborhood. • Play, writing, drawings or dreams of around use of the Internet or cell If you have learned that someone • Create a family safety plan. Your sexual or frightening images phone convicted of sexual abuse of a children and your family need to • Refuses to talk about a secret he or • Develops physical symptoms such child is living in your community, know what to do if anyone—family, she has with an adult or older child as unexplained soreness, pain or you might feel angry, scared, and friend, acquaintance, neighbor, or • Stomach aches or illness, often with bruises around genital or mouth, no identifiable reason sexually-transmitted disease, or pregnancy “Unless there is help available, why would an offender admit his crimes? None of us wants to expose our darkness, If you see behaviors that concern you, please call Stop It Now!’s confidential toll-free Helpline at 1.888.PREVENT for supportive guidance, information or especially when there is no light to shine down and heal it.” resources, or visit us on the web at www.stopitnow.org. WORDS FROM A SURVIVOR OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE
5 18 SIGNS THAT AN ADULT MAY BE AT-RISK TO SEXUALLY ABUSE A CHILD WHY DO PEOPLE SEXUALLY ABUSE?
There is no “usual” pathway to a sexual Someone you care about may be acting in ways that worry you. These behaviors offense. Each person who sexually may indicate a risk to sexually abuse a child or may be a way for this person to abuses a child is motivated by issues ask for help. Many people with sexual behavior problems wish someone had that are unique to that individual. asked them what was going on or had told them where to call. Inappropriate Media images of “child molesters” behaviors may become abusive if the individual does not get the help he or she and portrayals of their personalities needs. may actually make it more difficult to “I turned myself in two and a half years recognize inappropriate behaviors in ago. I pled guilty because I wanted those we know. • Misses or ignores social cues about actions or words despite impact? help to stop molesting children.” others’ personal or sexual limits or • Often has a “special” child friend, Sometimes, people who are attracted WORDS OF A MAN IN PRISON boundaries? maybe a different one each year? to adults and have intimate sexual FOR SEXUAL ABUSE • Spends most of spare time with • Encourages silence and secrets in relationships with other adults may children and shows little interest in children? sexually approach children when they Easy access to child pornography online and sexually-oriented online spending time with another adult? • Masturbates so often that it gets in are under unusual stress, like losing a chat groups have eliminated many • Links sexuality and aggression in the way of important day-to-day job or getting a divorce. of the hurdles that previously language or behavior, for example, activities? Some people’s primary sexual discouraged some people from acting sexualized threats or insults, like • Was physically, sexually or attraction is children. (Some never act “whore” or “slut”? on their sexual interests in minors. emotionally mistreated or abused on those feelings.) Viewing sexual images of children and • Makes fun of children’s body parts, as a child and has not adequately participating in forums that support describes children with sexual words addressed the possible effects? Some people who sexually abuse children were victims of abuse or sexual interactions involving children like “stud” or “sexy” or talks again • Downloads/views Internet neglect as children; it’s not an excuse, may make sexually abusive behavior and again about the sexual activities pornography and is not willing to just a fact. Although having been seem “normal” or “acceptable” and of children or teens? show if children are involved? abused as a child heightens the risk for thereby may increase the risk for • Has an interest in sexual fantasies • Becomes so pre-occupied with the hands-on offenses. with children or is unclear about becoming someone who sexually abuses Internet sexual activity that it starts children, the vast majority of sexual what’s appropriate with children? to impact family and/or work life. Some adults sexually abuse a child to abuse victims live their lives without feel the power and control they don’t • Minimizes hurtful or harmful • Asks adult partners to dress or act ever sexually abusing others. feel in their relationships with other behaviors when confronted; blames like a child or teen during sexual adults. others or denies harmfulness of activity? Some people act impulsively, when presented with an unexpected These are just a few of the many While single behaviors, in themselves, do not indicate that an individual is opportunity to sexually abuse a child. reasons why someone may choose to likely to engage in sexually-harmful behaviors, these behaviors, especially in Others, particularly youth with high sexually abuse a child. No reasons combination, may strongly suggest that an adult or adolescent needs help. If social status or with social or emotional excuse or justify sexualized behaviors you see behaviors that concern you, please call Stop It Now!’s confidential toll- delays, may not even fully understand involving a child. No matter what the free Helpline at 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368) for supportive guidance, the harmful impact of their abusive reason for the abuse, the effects on information or resources, or visit us on the web at www.stopitnow.org. actions. children may be severe and may last a lifetime. 17 6 CAN PEOPLE WHO SEXUALLY ABUSE CHILDREN STOP IT?
Yes! In order to stop, people who sexually abuse who to talk with when you for advice, information, and children must want to change and must be able to see something you are unsure help. (Check the resources get specialized treatment. Adults, adolescents, and about and who to call if you at the end of this booklet.) children with sexual behavior problems can change believe there is a need to Even if you do not have their abusing behavior. They can learn to live healthy, report sexual abuse. Teach children of your own, you can productive lives in which they no longer harm children about what to do be a resource about how to innocent children. and who to talk with if they report and how to get help “Twenty-five years ago I are sexually threatened or for everyone involved. If you was a respected member You’ve probably heard or read the misinformation touched by someone. know that a child has been that all people who have sexually abused will abuse of my community, • Make a list of people and sexually abused, be sure to get again. With all those stories on TV and in the papers, publisher of our local organizations you can call help for the child quickly, so it’s not easy to remember that the people who abuse the harm can be healed. paper, and a sexual hundreds of victims are only a few, really extreme abuser. Being arrested cases. Most people who sexually abuse children are was the best thing that not like those you see on TV. could have happened Treatment works. Many people who abuse will PHYSICAL WARNING SIGNS to me at the time. I was learn to control themselves around children if they THAT A CHILD MAY HAVE BEEN ABUSED lucky to get treatment… are offered specialized treatment and appropriate and it worked. I have community oversight. When people with sexual now been back in society behavior problems have support and are accountable to their friends and families, they are more likely for nearly 17 years and to complete their treatment programs and live Does a child close to you have: have not abused again. I productive, abuse-free lives. Again, when we confront • Unexplained bruises, redness, or bleeding of the child’s have been given a second these behaviors at the earliest stages, especially in genitals, anus, or mouth? chance and I will not children and teens, they are most likely to change and • Pain at the genitals, anus, or mouth? throw that away.” not abuse again. • Genital sores or milky fluids or repeated infections in the WORDS OF A PERSON If you are concerned about your own or someone genital area? WHO COMPLETED else’s sexualized behaviors towards children, please TREATMENT call Stop It Now!’s confidential toll-free national Helpline at 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368) for If you said “yes” to any of these examples, bring your child to a supportive guidance, information or resources, or doctor or emergency room. A doctor can help you understand visit us on the web at www.stopitnow.org. what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases. If you have any questions about these or other signs and symptoms or see behaviors that concern you, please call Stop It Now!’s confidential toll-free national Helpline at 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368) for supportive guidance, information or resources, or visit us on the web at www.stopitnow. org. 7 16 DEVELOP A SAFETY ACTION WHAT ABOUT CHILDREN WHO PLAN SEXUALLY INTERACT WITH OTHER FOR YOUR FAMILY (cont.)
anyone else—touches your • Make it clear that children When children or adolescents interact Status: Does one of the children/teens private parts.” Also teach will be supported when in a sexual way, it is sometimes difficult have more power in the relationship kids that it is not okay to use they request privacy or say to tell the difference between natural — for example, a babysitter, a club or manipulation or control to “no” to an activity or a kind sexual curiosity and potentially abusive team leader, a socially popular child touch someone else’s body. of touch that makes them behaviors. who bullies others? • Explain to the adults and uncomfortable. Some sexual Ability: Does one of the children/ children you know about the • Give kids permission to tell More than a third activities are teens have greater mental, emotional, difference between a secret anyone they trust if they of all sexual abuse normal for or physical ability than the other? and a surprise and show them feel scared, uncomfortable is committed by children at Is the possible victim disabled or how secrets may make kids or confused by someone’s someone under the certain ages. 6 developmentally delayed? unsafe. Surprises are joyful behavior toward them. age of 18. Children, and generate excitement in particularly Power: Is one of the children/teens anticipation of being revealed Make a plan younger using tricks, threats, bribes, or physical after a short period of time. • Create a family safety plan children, may engage in inappropriate force? Secrets exclude others, often that is clear to everyone and interactions without understanding the because the information will easy to follow (www.stopitnow. hurtful impact it has on others. For this If you answered “yes” to any of these create upset or anger. When downloads/SafetyPlan.pdf). reason, it may be more helpful to think questions, the sexual activity may be keeping secrets with just one Make sure that as adults, in terms of a child’s sexually “harmful” abusive and a report to child protective person becomes routine, you know how to challenge behavior rather than sexually “abusive” services may be appropriate. If you children are more vulnerable each other when you see any behavior. have any questions about what you are to being abused. inappropriate behaviors. List seeing, or if you need support, please But there are some features of call Stop It Now!’s confidential toll-free, interactions that should raise concerns national Helpline 1.888.PREVENT if you see children involved in sexual (1.888.773.8368). You can speak play. Consider: confidentially with a professional about Size: Is one of the children/teens your concerns, and learn what options involved much larger or stronger than and local resources are available to the other? you. Remember, you do not need to be sure that it is abuse to call. By calling, you learn how to get help for all of the children involved.
“I made the most difficult decision of my life—I decided to report my son for sexually abusing another child. But our lives are better in many ways. He is getting the help he needs to stop.” MOTHER OF TEEN WITH SEXUAL BEHAVIOR 15 PROBLEMS 8 WHAT IS AGE-APPROPRIATE SEXUAL BEHAVIOR?
Learn, teach, and practice While learning about their bodies and sexuality, children • Practice talking with other may behave in ways that seem out of sync with their age adults about difficult topics. or developmental stage. The chart below describes kinds Say the words out loud so that of behavior that are common and less common in a given you become more comfortable developmental stage. Many factors—for example, having an using the words, asking older sibling or unsupervised exposure to certain television, questions, and confronting films, games or song lyrics—may increase a child’s awareness behaviors. of knowledge, attitudes and behaviors of an older age group. • Be receptive with both the Usually, unexpected behavior can be redirected adults and the children with a simple instruction. Of particular concern are • Set and respect family in your life about their uncommon behaviors that a child seems unable to boundaries. All members difficult issues. Help them control after being asked to stop. of the family have rights to get comfortable talking with Preschool (0 to 5 years of age) privacy in dressing, bathing, you. Show them that you will sleeping, and other personal listen to anything they have Common: Sexual language relating to differences in activities. If anyone does not to say, even if they talk about body parts, bathroom talk, pregnancy and birth. Genital respect these rights, an adult something embarrassing stimulation at home and in public. Showing and looking at should clearly tell them the or something they’ve done private body parts. family rules. wrong. Uncommon: Discussion of specific sexual acts or explicit sexual • Speak up when you see any • Use the proper names of language. Adult-like sexual contact with other children. inappropriate behaviors. body parts. Just as you teach Interrupt and talk with your children that a nose is School-age children (6 to 12 years of age) whoever is making you a nose, they need to know uncomfortable in a situation what to call their genitals. May include both pre-pubescent children and children or with someone in a position This knowledge gives who have already entered puberty, when hormonal to intervene. They may need children correct language for changes are likely to trigger an increase in sexual help to stop these behaviors. understanding their bodies, awareness and interest. • Report anything you know for asking questions that need or suspect might be sexual to be asked, and for telling Before puberty abuse. If nobody speaks up, about any behavior that could Common: Questions about relationships and sexual behavior, the abuse will not stop. lead to sexual abuse. menstruation and pregnancy. Experimentation with same-age • Be clear with adults and children, often during games, kissing, touching, exhibitionism children about the difference and role-playing. Private genital stimulation. between okay touch and touch that is not okay. For Uncommon: Adult-like sexual interactions, discussing specific younger children, teach more concrete rules such as “talk 9 14 DEVELOP A SAFETY ACTION PLAN FOR YOUR FAMILY
It is important to teach messaging, webcam use, peer- children about safety. It is more to-peer and social networking After puberty begins important to teach ourselves sites, and cell use, including Common: Increased curiosity about sexual materials and what we need to know in order photo exchanges. Model information, questions about relationships and sexual behavior, to keep our children and safe choices and behavior. using sexual words and discussing sexual acts, particularly with communities safe. Here are The illusion of anonymity peers. Increased experimenting including open-mouthed kissing, some things that you and your on these electronic mediums body-rubbing, fondling. Masturbating in private. family can do to prevent the often leads to a breakdown of sexual abuse of children. Adults social rules and expectations Uncommon: Consistent adult-like sexual behavior, including need to: that would be assumed if oral/genital contact or intercourse. Masturbating in public. the interactions were face- Take responsibility to-face. Whenever possible, Adolescence (13 to 16 years of keep the interactions visible • Adults must watch for any age) and public. Kids, and even inappropriate behaviors in adults can easily stumble into Common: Questions about decision other adults or older youth inappropriate or possibly making, social relationships, and because children, especially dangerous situations and sexual customs. Masturbation in private. young ones, are not as able to exchanges. Educate yourself. Experimenting between adolescents of the recognize these behaviors or Establish clear, firm guidelines same age, including open-mouthed kissing, fondling and body to protect themselves. and stick to them. rubbing, oral/genital contact. Also, • Stay attuned to your • Show in your own life how voyeuristic behaviors are common. children’s use of technology to say “no.” Teach your Intercourse occurs in approximately one- – Internet, email, instant children that their “no” will third of this age group. be respected, whether it’s in Uncommon: Masturbating in public and playing or tickling or hugging and kissing. For instance, if your child does not want to give Grandma a kiss, let the If you see behaviors that child shake hands instead. concern you, please call Stop And, make sure Grandma It Now!’s confidential toll-free understands why this is national Helpline at 1.888.PREVENT important for the safety of the (1.888.773.8368) for supportive guidance, child. information or resources, or visit us on the web at www.stopitnow.org.
Adapted from Wurtele, S.K. and Miller-Perrin, C.L. Preventing Sexual Abuse. University of Nebraska Press. Lincoln, NE. 1992.
10 13 WHAT TO WATCH FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO WHEN ADULTS ARE WITH CHILDREN
Everyone needs to speak up. When we don’t take the keys from a Often, families whose kids were sexually Have you ever seen someone playing with a child and felt drunk friend who’s about to drive, abused wish that they had talked more uncomfortable with it? Maybe you thought, “I’m just over- we’re risking that friend’s and other openly beforehand with their children reacting,” or, “He/She doesn’t really mean that.” If you are people’s lives on the road. When we in ways that would have made them uncomfortable, but don’t see specific signs, trust your instincts don’t question a friend’s sexualized less vulnerable when someone tried and ask more questions. Below is a list of behaviors that might be comments or behaviors toward a child, to approach them sexually. By getting cause for concern. we’re risking the well-being of our comfortable using words like “penis”, children and the future of the friend. “vagina”, or “penetration,” we adults Do you know an adult, adolescent or older child who: can teach our sons and daughters how People who sexually abuse children rely • Makes others uncomfortable by ignoring social, emotional or to talk about it when they are made physical boundaries or limits? on our confusion and on our reluctance uncomfortable. When adults and kids • Refuses to let a child set any of his or her own limits? Uses to acknowledge discomfort. Adults – have the right words, it’s easier for teasing or belittling language to keep a child from setting a all of us—need to talk together about kids to tell us when they are sexually limit? sexual abuse and to learn what to do to approached or harmed. Shyness or keep children safe. The first steps are embarrassment about sexual behaviors • Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with or setting clear boundaries and limits with can also make it more difficult to talk holding a child even when the child does not want this physical everyone involved in our family and with someone who may be acting contact or attention? social circle and speaking up when any inappropriately toward a child. • Frequently makes sexual references or tells sexual or suggestive of those rules are broken. jokes with children present? • Exposes a child to adult sexual interactions without apparent concern? • Has secret interactions with teens or children (such as games, “My brother-in-law Harry was touching sharing drugs, alcohol, or sexual material) or spends excessive his eleven-year-old daughter. She was time emailing, text messaging or calling children or youth? clearly uncomfortable with his attention. • Seems “too good to be true,” for example, baby sits different ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I told her. ‘Your children for free; takes children on special outings alone; buys children gifts or gives them money for no apparent reason? dad doesn’t mean anything by it.’ • Allows children or teens to consistently get away with I wish I had told Harry, in front of my niece, ‘I see Janice is inappropriate behaviors? uncomfortable. You should stop touching her like that.’ This would let my niece know that it is okay to say ‘no’ to him. It If you answered “yes” to some of these questions, talk to that would let Harry know that someone is watching and noticing person. For more information and supportive guidance about and not afraid to speak up.” starting a conversation with someone, see our Let’s Talk guidebook on our website at www.stopitnow.org or please call Stop It Now!’s AUNT OF A CHILD WHO WAS ABUSED confidential toll-free national Helpline at 1.888.PREVENT
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