The Amazing Plotless Kingdom Hearts Fanfic

By Rabid_Penguins

Submitted: June 17, 2005 Updated: June 17, 2005

Take the characters from Kingdom Hearts. Take away the plot, and any semblance of one. This is what you end up with. No real spoilers, but ya never know. Suggests a bit of shounen ai, barely.

Provided by Fanart Central. http://www.fanart-central.net/stories/user/Rabid_Penguins/16043/The-Amazing-Plotless-Kingdom-Hearts -Fanfic

Chapter 1 - Plotlessness, Yay! 2 1 - Plotlessness, Yay!

Warnings: Major OOC, minor character bashing. Don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against anyone. Well, except for Ansem. But he's a fat smelly old Guado! Hah!

Let's see… Where should we start? Ummm…how about the Destiny Islands? *The destiny Islands pop into the scene. * Ok, now my story actually starts! Have fun!

Ok, so one day Sora woke up. He got dressed, ate breakfast, and so on. The he got into his little 2' by 2' boat and sailed to the…other…island to meet up with Riku, Kairi, and everyone else. Well, for the sake of my story, he got there early, so he decided to do his favorite pastime.

Nope, not baseball. That's AMERICA'S favorite pastime (Yeah right).

Riku and Kairi finally arrived.

“Aww, do you really have to do that…?” Riku asked his younger friend. Sora jumped down from the nearby tree he had glomped onto. He looked at Riku innocently, and nodded.

“Uh huh,” Sora said. He smiled. Then for the sake of my story once again, the three of them went to work on their raft.

We'll cut off at that. Stayed tuned for more tree glomping action with The Amazing Plotless Kingdom Hearts Fanfic!

A guy pops onto a black screen. “Hi,” he says. “I've made something I bet you will love! A Sora doll and a fake tree pop up. “The Tree Glomping Sora Doll!” The guy disappears. Nanaki appears and pushes the button. The doll glomps onto the tree. Nanaki laughs and unpushes the button. The Sora doll unglomps from the tree. Nanaki pushes the button, laughs, and unpushes the button. Push, laugh, unpush. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Nanaki disappears. The guy pops back. “Yup. The Tree Glomping Sora Doll!” The screen goes black. And now back to the feature presentation!

“So, Sora,” Kairi asked with little hearts in her eyes, “do you like me?” Sora looked at her with a cute little innocent smile. He nodded his head.

“Uh huh.”

“Really, Sora?” He smiled that smile again, and nodded.

“I like you, and Riku, and Tidus, and Selphie, and my mom, and my dad that doesn't exist, and Goofy, and Donald, and King Mickey…” Sora continued to ramble on while the hearts in Kairi's eyes broke in two, and she started to cry.

“…and Cloud, and Leon, and Sephiroth, and Ansem…wait, not Ansem. He's a stupid fat old Guado.” Sora started to laugh, not noticing Kairi's ever-flowing tears.

“Guado! Guado! Ansem's a fat old Guado!” He laughed and did a stupid little dance while chanting the previous quote. After a while, Kairi quit crying and Sora quit chanting.

Riku thanked the good Lord.

“So, Sora, if you don't love me, what were you trying to tell me at the end of the game?” Kairi asked. Sora blinked. Once. Twice. A confused look crossed his face.

“Huh…? …Oh yeah! Let's see…I was saying, `Kairi…I want you to tell Selphie, Wakka, Tidus, and my mom that I'll come back!' but I s'pose you didn't tell them…” Sora blinked again. Once. Twice. “Well, I'm back anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter anymore.” Sora smiled his cute little innocent smile for the 4th time this story.

Kairi started to cry again.

Riku knocked her out with a log from the raft.

Kairi quit crying.

Riku and Sora went to the `secret' place. Riku looked around some, and Sora picked up a piece of chalk. He drew Kairi's face with Xs for eyes. He laughed.

“This is Kairi now,” he said to Riku, who turned to look at Sora's new drawing. “My goodness, Sora!” he exclaimed. “Will you EVER learn to draw!?” Sora blinked. Once. Twice. He smiled innocently. And believe it or not, he didn't nod. He actually shook his head no.

“Nuh uh,” he said.

Riku looked for a sharp rock to stick through Sora. He couldn't find one, so he tried to impale himself on his wooden sword.

It didn't work.

Then Ansem appeared.

Riku glared at him. “Don't even think about taking over my body again!”

“This world has been connected. Tied to the darkness. Soon to be completely eclipsed. One who knows nothing can understand nothing. So you have come this far and you still understand nothing. Kingdom Hearts, fill me with the power of darkness! The final darkness is at hand. What is it you hope to accomplish? Take a look at this tiny place. Look as hard as you are able. To the heart seeking freedom, this island is a prison, surrounded by water. Darkness is the heart's true essence. Return to the darkness from whence it came!” Ansem laughed maniacally.

Riku took a while to take in everything Ansem had said.

Sora blinked. Once. Twice. He burst into laughter,

“Guado! Guado! You're a fat smelly old Guado!” he chanted while pointing at Ansem.

“Wh-what?” Ansem stuttered, tears coming to his eyes. “You're so mean!” He made a door appear out of nowhere. He walked through it, crying, and slammed the door in Riku and Sora's faces. The door disappeared.

Sora smiled his cute, innocent smile.

Riku told himself, “Just smile and nod.”

Riku smiled and nodded.

Now we go to the Meeting of Misunderstood Villains, where Ansem's door led.

After this commercial break.

Don't worry. I'll squeeze some more tree glomping action in later. The guy from the other commercial pops onto the back screen again. “I've made another thing everyone will love.” A Nanaki doll and a Sephiroth doll appear. The Sephiroth doll is real cool looking, with the one raven wing and everything. “The Sephy Glomping Nanaki Doll!” He disappears. Nanaki comes in, and pushes the button. The Nanaki doll glomps onto the Sephiroth doll. Nanaki smiles. Nanaki unpushes the button, and the Nanaki doll unglomps from the Sephy doll. Nanaki pushes, smiles, and unpushes. Push, smile, unpush. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Sephiroth pops onto the screen.

“Sephy!” Nanaki says, and glomps onto Sephiroth. Nanaki smiles. Nanaki doesn't unglomp from Sephiroth. Nanaki glomps, smiles, and doesn't unglomp. Glomp, smile, doesn't unglomp. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Sephiroth manages to unglomp Nanaki from him, and runs away. Nanaki runs off with the Sephy Glomping Nanaki Doll. The commercial guy pops back.

“Yup. The Sephy Glomping Nanaki Doll!”

The screen goes completely black.

“Hey! Come back with that!”

And now, to the Meeting of Misunderstood Villains!

“And then Sora called me a Guado and laughed at me!” Ansem said, and burst into tears.

“I don't get it,” Seymour said. I AM a Guado, but nobody makes fun of me…”

Two kids ran by. “Guado! Guado! Seymour's a fat old Guado!” they chanted.

“At least they don't say you're smelly,” Ansem said as he wiped the few remaining tears from his eyes.

Two more kids ran by. “Guado! Guado! Seymour's a fat smelly old Guado!” they chanted.

“Does anyone else have any other matters to bring up?” Seymour asked. He looked out into the large group that was attending the meeting, and realized that none of the Shadow Heartless were there (They're too cute to be evil).

“Nanaki glomped onto me,” Sephiroth complained.

“So?” Kuja asked him. “You should be happy that rabid fangirls chase you, and not rabid fanguys who think you're a girl.”

Two teenage guys ran by. “Will you go out with me, Kuja-chan?” they asked.

Kuja threw his shoes at him. One shoe per person.

“NANAKI glomped onto me,” Sephiroth said.

“Oh, I see. That's just as bad as my situation,” Kuja said.

“I have something to say! I don't belong here! I'm not a villain! And I'm not misunderstood! And for Pete's sake! I helped save the world!” whined King Mickey in his voice that sounded like a fat old Guado geezer mouse dying a painful, bloody death.

Everyone ignored him

Now we cut to where Nanaki is, typing up this fic. “Hmm… Now what?” she asks herself. Then a lightbulb appears over her head. It flickers and goes out. She taps it a couple times, and it goes back on. “I've got it!” she says, and starts to type again.

Now, we're skipping the end of the Meeting of Misunderstood Villains, and we're going back to the Destiny Islands!

Ok, now Sora's just out of the picture for a little bit. He's…I don't know! Catching fish or something. So now we see Riku taking a walk around the island.

“Nothing out of the ordinary today,” Riku said to himself. “We have Selphie, Wakka, and Tidus at a `secret' meeting, Sora chasing fish, and Kairi glomped onto trees. As usual, I'm the only sane one here…”

Riku continued to walk, but then he realized what he had said.

Kairi glomped onto trees?

Riku ran back to where he had seen Kairi. “Please say it's not true,” he muttered to himself. “Don't let there be two of them!” Sure enough, Kairi was glomped onto a tree. In fact, it was Sora's favorite tree. “What, might I ask, are you doing!?” Riku yelled at Kairi in a rather questioning manner. Kairi giggled and turned around on the tree until Riku could see her face.

“Well, duh! What's it look like I'm doing? I'm glomping a tree!” Kairi giggled insanely.

Riku knew people who'd want to know what Kairi was sniffing.

Kairi got high on life.

Sora ran by with a squirming, live fish in his hands. “Want a fish, Kairi?” he asked. Since Kairi didn't take it as he ran past, he assumed she didn't want it.

Kairi sniffled a few times, and then wiped a few tears away from her eyes.

Of course, she had used both hands, and due to the lack of hands holding onto the tree, Kairi fell. Then she started to really cry. Again.

Riku realized that she had glomped onto the tree to be like Sora in hopes of getting him to like her.

Riku tried to impale himself on his wooden sword again.

It still didn't work.

Riku whacked Kairi over the head with his wooden sword.

Kairi quit crying.

Now, we'll cut to a meeting of the other three kids on the island (Selphie, Tidus, and Wakka). The meeting is at the place where Tidus is on the first day of the game.

Wakka stood at a podium. He obviously was running the meeting. Tidus and Selphie were sitting in metal folding chairs. They obviously weren't running the meeting.

“So, me and Teedus were…” Wakka started, but was interrupted by Tidus raising his hand. “Yes, Teedus?”

“Umm… I hate to break it to you, but my name isn't Teedus. It's Tidus,” Tidus said.

“What's the difference, Teedus?” Wakka asked, confused.

“Umm… the ee and the i,” Tidus explained as simply as he could. “Ok. Whatever you say, Teedus,” Wakka said, and continued with his original sentence.

Tidus sighed in frustration. He raised his hand again.

“Ya, Teedus?” Wakka asked.

“How come you got my name right in FFX, but you can't get it right now?” Tidus asked.

Selphie was fast asleep, as she usually was during these meetings.

“FFX is in the future. That's why I get your name right then, Teedus,” Wakka explained, trying to sound smart.

He didn't.

Wakka finished his original sentence, and then he and Tidus looked at each other. They nodded.

Tidus checked to make sure Selphie was sound asleep. Wakka got his camera.

Tidus knocked Selphie face first out of her chair.

Wakka took pictures of her, with her underwear showing.

He and Tidus sold the pictures to a younger version of Irvine.

They added the munny to their club's funds.

They put Selphie back in her chair.

Selphie woke up.

She had no clue what had just happened, so everyone was happy. And rich.

They went to fight some practice battles against each other.

Their meeting was over.

Now we'll have another commercial! And when we get back, we'll have some more tree glomping action. With Sora this time. Yeah! The commercial guy pops onto the back screen again. “I've made yet another thing everyone will love.” A Mystrana doll and a Riku doll appear. “The Riku Glomping Mystrana Doll!” He disappears. Nanaki comes in, and pushes the button. The Mystrana doll glomps onto the Riku doll. Nanaki glares jealously at the Mystrana doll. Nanaki unpushes the button, and the Mystrana doll unglomps from the Riku doll. Nanaki pushes, glares, and unpushes. Push, glare, unpush. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Mystrana pops onto the screen.

She smiles at the dolls. Nanaki glares jealously at her. Mystrana de-pops from the screen with the dolls. Nanaki pulls more out from nowhere. Riku pops onto the screen.

Riku looks at the dolls. He visibly pales. He de-pops quickly and looks for a place to hide. Nanaki disappears. The commercial guy reappears. “Yup. The Riku Glomping Mystrana Doll!” The screen goes black.

And now for more tree glomping action with Sora and the gang!

Sora…umm…Sora sat (?) glomped onto his favorite glomping tree. You know, the one in the middle of the island thing that Riku's always on. Kairi looked around for a way to get to the paopu fruit so she could share it with Sora.

Kairi fell face first into the water many times.

Riku came to his little island place to sit on his paopu fruit tree with the mail he had just received from the mail boat.

“Well, what do you know? Hades apparently wants us to come visit. I think he wants to try to kill us again…” Riku said to Sora and Kairi.

Sora looked confused.

Kairi fell face first into the water again.

Riku sighed. “Well then, let's get to you're gummi ship, Sora. It's bigger than mine.

A blank looked crossed Sora's face.

“Um….I ate it…” Sora said. He smiled that cute innocent smile that seems to pop up everywhere in this fic. Riku should have been surprised, but he knew just how stupid Sora was, and realized that he would have done the same thing if he had Sora's mental capacity.

He sighed. “FINE, let's go to my gummi ship…” he said in a rather annoyed tone. He started walking to where he had his gummi ship parked. Kairi followed behind him, dripping wet. Sora ran ahead.

Riku opened the door to the exact room where his gummi ship was parked. He blinked. Once. Twice. Well, so much for his gummi ship. Sora was eating that too. Riku turned to Kairi.

“Don't you have a gummi ship?” he asked her.

She looked at him with a rather blank expression that looked quite like Sora's usual expression.

“Umm…no… I was too busy being a damsel in distress to actually take time to get a gummi ship,” Kairi explained to Riku, and went to join Sora in eating Riku's gummi ship.

Riku tried to impale himself on his wooden sword.

It still didn't work.

After Sora and Kairi finished off Riku's gummi ship, the three of them went back to Riku's island thingy. Sora instantly glomped onto his tree. Kairi tried to get a paopu fruit, but went face first into the water again. Riku grabbed one of the paopu fruits with ease.

“Hey Sora, want to share this with me?” Riku asked.

Sora looked at Riku strangely. “Aren't you s'posed to share that with someone you really care about?” he asked.

“Nah, that's just something I made up to keep Kairi occupied,” Riku explained, gesturing to Kairi, who was soaking wet, and trying to get back to the ladder.

Sora blinked. Once. Twice. He looked confused. “Umm…ok,” he said, and took half of the paopu fruit. Of course, that ended with Sora falling off the tree, but he didn't notice. He bit into the star shaped fruit, just as Kairi made it up the ladder.

She saw Riku eating part of a paopu fruit.

She saw Sora eating part of a paopu fruit.

She put two and two together.

She started to cry. Again.

Riku threw the core of the paopu fruit at Kairi.

She fell into the water. She quit crying.

She drowned.

Riku wished.

We took a break and cut to the Coliseum.

“You know, you really don't need to enter the Hercules cup,” Phil said to Hercules. “I mean, it is named after you.”

“Yeah, I know, but I have my own reason to enter,” Hercules said to Phil.

“Whatever,” Phil said to Hercules.

Hercules entered the Hercules cup.

Hercules got to Cloud.

Hercules knocked Cloud out, grabbed his butt, and carried him away like a sack of potatoes.

The following scene got cut from Kingdom Hearts to maintain its E for everyone rating.

Now, back to the Destiny Islands.

So, it was a new day. But it wasn't shiny and happy and…shiny like it always seemed to be. Instead, it was all rainy and dark and…rainy. So Riku, Kairi, Sora, Selphie, Wakka, and Tidus stayed on their islands.

And nothing happened for that whole day.

Riku stayed sane.

And then it was another new day. Riku stood around, looking bored.

“What the heck can we do!?” Riku exclaimed. He was bored out of his mind, mainly because a certain author was running out of ideas. Sora giggled, and smiled innocently at Riku.

“Let's go to the `Secret' place and draw some!” he suggested.

Riku wanted to impale himself with his wooden sword, but since he was so bored, he went anyways.

Kairi drew Sora and herself sharing a paopu fruit.

Sora tried to eat the fruit in the picture, but he chipped his teeth instead.

Riku drew a big blob type thing.

“It's a dog!” said Tidus who was there also, along with Selphie and Wakka.

“No, Teedus, it's an airplane,” Wakka said.

“It's Tidus,” Tidus moaned.

“What's an airplane?” Selphie asked.

“Gee, I dunno,” Wakka said.

Riku sighed. “Can't you guys tell, it's a chocobo being eaten by a behemoth,” he said.

Everyone blinked.

“Hey…It is, isn't it,” everyone said at the same time.

Riku nodded.

Sora drew himself glomped onto a tree. It looked like a dinosaur.

“Hey, that's you glomping onto a tree, isn't it,” everyone but Riku said.

Sora smiled innocently, and nodded.

“Geez! I draw better than him—EVERYONE draws better than him—but nobody knows what it is I draw!” Riku yelled in a fit of rage. Everyone ignored him.

Riku tried to impale himself on his wooden sword.

It worked.

This story ended because the author had to grieve over Riku's death.

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