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JEREMY CLARKSON Round the Bend MICHAEL JOSEPH an Imprint of PENGUIN BOOKS JEREMY CLARKSON Round the Bend MICHAEL JOSEPH an imprint of PENGUIN BOOKS Contents Just a couple of tweaks and it’s an iPhone on wheels Daihatsu Materia It’s far too cool for you, Mr Footballer Mazda MX-5 Roadster Coupé 2.0i Tailor-made for the hard of thinking Subaru Impreza WRX STi Clarkson on road safety Jeremy’s wit and wisdom The rubbish, brilliant saviour of Jaguar Jaguar XF SV8 David Dimbleby made me wet myself Mercedes-Benz CLK Black Series Look, you traffic wombles, I’ve had enough Renaultsport Clio 197 Cup No, princess, you may not have my Fiat Fiat 500 1.2 Pop A mainstay of the car-washing classes Renault Laguna Sport Tourer Dynamique 2.0 Lovely to drive, awful to live with Porsche Cayenne GTS The aristo ruined by the devil’s brew Subaru Legacy Outback TD RE A beauty cursed by travel sickness Callaway Corvette C6 … catch me if you can Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X FQ-360 GSR Look, mums – a 4×4 planet saver Mitsubishi Outlander 2.2 DI-DC Diamond Press a button and pray it’s the right one Citroën C5 2.7 HDi V6 Exclusive Face lifted, clanger dropped Mercedes-Benz SL 63 AMG So awful even the maker tells you to walk Kia Sedona 2.9 CRDi TS The problem is … it’s out of this world Nissan GT-R Fair Porsche, my sweet Italian lover Boxster RS 60 Spyder Mr Weedy comes up with the goods Mercedes-Benz SL 350 Herr Thruster’s gone all limp and lost BMW M3 convertible It takes you to the edge … and shoves Porsche 911 Carrera GT2 The Devil’s done a fruity one Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster Eat my dust, Little England Jaguar XKR-S Coupé Calm yourselves, campers Ford Kuga 2.0 TDCi Titanium Très bien – a plumber in a tux Citroën Berlingo Multispace This is an epic car. Every single atom of every single component is designed only to make your life as quiet and as comfortable as possible. Dreaming of a … Rolls-Royce Phantom Coupé Oh, tell me it’s not too late Aston Martin Vantage An old flame returns to relight my fire Volkswagen Scirocco A one-armed man with a twitch can go fast in a Gallardo Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4 Oh no, this is the world’s worst car Chrysler Sebring Cabriolet 2.7 V6 A Wilmslow pimp with class Cadillac CTS-V Misery, thy name is Vespa Vespa GTV Navy 125 A trolley’s the better bet Renault Twingo Renaultsport 133 Don’t go breaking my bones, baby Alfa Romeo Brera S 3.2 JTS V6 Well, I did ask for a growlier exhaust Racing Green Jaguar XKR 475 Just take your big antlers and rut off Audi RS6 Avant Look, a cow running in the Grand National Infiniti FX50S Watch out, this nipper’s tooled up Ford Fiesta Titanium 1.6 An adequate way to drive to hell Vauxhall Insignia 2.8 V6 4x4 Elite Nav Safety first, then rough and tumble Volvo XC60 T6 SE Lux Fritz forgot the little things BMW 330d M Sport Out of nowhere, my car of the year Chevrolet Corvette ZR1 What bright spark thought of this? Tesla Roadster This is by far the best of all the school-run-mobiles. There really is room for seven people, fourteen legs and two dogs in the boot as well Volvo XC90 D5 SE R-Design I’m scared of the dark in this doom buggy Ford Ka Zetec 1.2 Never mind, Daphne, at least you’re pretty Volkswagen Passat CC GT V6 The sinister … BMW 730d SE A smart, thrifty choice Toyota iQ2 1.0 VVT-i Perfect, the car for all seasons Range Rover TDV8 Vogue SE Flawed but fun Alfa MiTo 1.4 TB 155bhp Veloce Problem is, I don’t think I ever met anyone who would buy a Mazda 6 – and also it’s pretty hopeless Mazda 6 2.2 five-door Sport Diesel Trying to break the speed limit in this car would be like trying to break the speed limit while riding a cow Fiat Qubo 1.3 16v MultiJet Dynamic I raised my knife, snarled … and fell in love Jaguar XKR convertible The car adds up Lotus Evora 2+2 No, fatty, you do not give me the horn Citroën C3 Picasso 1.6HDi 110 Exclusive It’s the eco-nut’s roughest, itchiest hair shirt Honda Insight 1.3 IMA SE Hybrid Enough power to restart a planet Audi Q7 V12 TDI Quattro Ghastly but lovable, the Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst S is vulgar, terrible but ridiculously exciting Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst S Oh please, angel, Daddy wants a go now Toyota Urban Cruiser 1.33 VVT-i You’ll really stand out – for paying too much Mini Cooper S Convertible The ultimate driving machine, or so I thought BMW Z4 sDrive35i Strip poker in the … Ford Focus RS Hey, Hans – don’t squeeze my bulls Lamborghini Murciélago LP 670-4 SV They’ve blown the saloon’s last chance Mercedes E 500 Sport The fastest pair of comfy slippers around Jaguar XF 3.0 Diesel S Portfolio Oops, this drunken driver is off to Brazil Argo Avenger 700 8x8 Cheer yourself up in a … Mazda MX-5 2.0i Sport Tech The perfect supercar Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4 Spyder Oh dear, it thinks it’s going to save the world Lexus RX 450h SE-L … a great car, but who will buy it? Ferrari California Excuse me while I park my aircraft carrier Ford Flex 3.5L EcoBoost AWD We have ways of being a killjoy BMW 135i M Sport convertible Love is blind, thunder thighs Audi TT RS Coupé Comfort for all the family in a … Skoda Octavia Scout 1.8 TSI A car even its mother couldn’t love Porsche Panamera 4.8 V8 Turbo Turnip boy has softened its black heart Mercedes-Benz CLK Black Jack of all trades Toyota RAV4 SR 2.2 D-4D Land Rover leaves behind the murderers Land Rover Discovery 4 3.0 TDV6 HSE Ye gods, it’s smashed through the apple cart Audi A4 Allroad 3.0 TDI Quattro It’s fresh, it’s funky – and it freaks my kids out Kia Soul 1.6 CRDi Shaker Just one trip and I was a mellow fellow Saab 9-3X 2.0 Turbo XWD Oh yes, this is why Wakefield trumps Dubai Aston Martin DBS Volante By the same author Motorworld Jeremy Clarkson’s Hot 100 Jeremy Clarkson’s Planet Dagenham Born to be Riled Clarkson on Cars The World According to Clarkson I Know You Got Soul And Another Thing Don’t Stop Me Now For Crying Out Loud! Driven to Distraction How Hard Can It Be? For my children The contents of this book first appeared in Jeremy Clarkson’s Sunday Times column. Read more about the world according to Clarkson every week in the Sunday Times. Just a couple of tweaks and it’s an iPhone on wheels Daihatsu Materia By now, you will have heard all about the new Apple iPhone. You will have been told its battery has the life expectancy of a veal calf, and that if you want to take a photograph, you’d be better off setting up an easel and breaking out the oils. What’s more, you’ll have been told – by people who haven’t got one – that it works only on O2, that it can’t receive pictures via the text service and that it jams a lot. There’s something else as well. It is able to deliver the weather forecast from San Diego and clips from YouTube of young Asian men falling off motorcycles, because it can be connected to the internet. This, however, is not easy. Certainly, you won’t be able to do it. So you’re going to need a ‘little man’. It used to be that wealthy families in rural idylls would have a ‘little man’ in the village who could be called upon to come round at a moment’s notice and remove dead pigeons from the chimney pot. Or start the car. Or free the satellite dish from the clematis. He was the most vital cog in the community. But not any more. Because today he’s been surpassed by someone far more important. The ‘little man’ who will come round to fix your broken laptop. Unfortunately, my little man, who is called Hugo, recently met with some success and is now busy installing vast intranets on industrial estates. So asking him to come round to unblock a stubborn wireless network is a bit like asking Led Zeppelin to come round and be the turn at your four-year-old’s birthday party. This is a disaster because Hugo is the only man alive who knows how my house works. He knows the systems that prevent reporters from sitting in the road outside and reading my e- mails. He knows the codes that allow my daughter’s laptop to speak to my phone. He knows the DNA of every socket and every inch of cable. And now he is gone. So when my iPhone asks for an APN and a username and a password before it can hook up to something called the Edge, I have no idea what it’s on about. Nor do I know if I want the VPN on or off because I don’t know what a VPN is. Or data roaming. And then I have to tell it whether I am WEP, WPA or WPA2.
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