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VOL . CXXV, No. 17 LAWRENCE UNIVERSI1Y 1S STUDENT NEWSPAPER SINCE 1884 WWW.LAWRENTIAN.COM MyFashionDecision.org planned for 2008-09

Emily E. Provost Burrows, one of the school year, so will MFD.org become of questions to determine which "There are three types of students Staff \\'nrcr executive producers of the content the theme of next year. President identity most suits them, and will be on this campus: Model 1 Fashionistas, of MFD.org, was quoted as remark­ Beck will be offering two terms of offered suggestions of further read­ Model 2 Showers Frequently and In response to the overwhelming­ ing, "This year's election has cre­ her seminar for a select stylish few, ing in order to educate themselves Model 3 Lazy Bitches. If 80% of the ly positive student response to both ated a great deal of tension, and has generating serious class discussions on their chosen styles. student body has the means to be a MyE!ectionDecision.org and the witty served to raise student's awareness on the issues at hand and holding MFD.org is designed to allow Model 1 Fashionista, then we need and astute "Style, More Style" col­ of the importance of fashion. Mrs. forums across campus in order to students to interact with their style to strive for 80% of campus to be umn in this newspaper, the admin­ Clinton's suits are only the tip of the spread the word of fashion. choices in order to become more fashionistas." istration today announced its inten· iceberg." MFD.org will be modeled after stylistically active. President Beck The possibilities of adding style tion to launch MyFashionDecision. Although fashion has nothing MED.org, offering five key "styles" cited young people's relative sty­ in more areas of the university, org ·· just in time for the 2008-2009 to do with politics, the announce­ instead of "issues." The style choices listic apathy as a growing concern especially in the most unfashionable school year. ment comes as a great relief to most were taken from a recent Voyager in our world, and one of her cen­ areas such as freshman studies and "We just felt that it was an Lawrence students who are typically survey of all students, in which tral reasons for implementing this the reference section of the library, appropriate move for the the future too busy on the Internet to be con­ the campus was divided into the tool. "Students need to become more are being discussed, and will be of both Lawrence and the world," cerned with what they are wearing. five groups: Hipster, Greek, Anime, aware of the style world that sur­ further pondered in the President's President Jill Beck said in a mass e­ Just as MED.org has been func­ Connie, and Brain. rounds them, in order to become Seminar classes next year. mail sent out earlier this week. tioning as the central focus of this Students will be asked a series attractive citizens." In Attetnpt to Spark Political Goldgar silenced Activity, Adtninistration Deletes by Gender Studies Facebook; Hundreds Protest on Emily i. to a strange mix of mourning and Staff Writer Celebration throughout the Campus. Soon after the Battle of the Land Main Hall Green Events of fantastic propor­ Bridge, mysterious changes swept tions unfolded recently at Lawrence through the English department. Emily 0. "I feel like there's a University. Professor Bertrand Most drastic was the elimination of Staff \X'ritcr piece of me that's Goldgar met an untimely end while all works wrinen before the 20th missing. I've finally protecting a fellowship of English century (excluding the Romantic The administration has pulled come to understand majors from the Gender Studies period) from syllabi around the the boldest move of their year-long my grandfather who department. Upset about Goldgar's department. While the vast majority effort to engage more Lawrentians lost both legs in insinuations regarding their academ­ of unsophisticated English majors in political activity as they delet­ WWII." ic validity, members of said depart­ were unfazed by these changes, a ed Lawrence University's Facebook Ben Ott may have ment decided to pursue him and select few, led by the stalwart fel­ network which included the 15,000 been the most affect­ put an end to the muckraking once lowship, grew increasingly troubled. separate individual profiles. ed by the move, "I and for all. The chase started in the They detected a dark storm brewing Jill Beck explained that while save all my homework Grill, Goldgar's usual haunt, where it on the horizon. Indeed, the situation response for the MyElectionDecision. in Facebook messages quickly moved outside and toward was about to escalate. During these org and the Andrew Sullivan convo­ to myself," explained the unfinished land bridge. Skyler increasingly dark times, these select cation has been "incredibly positive, the junior Spanish Silvertrust, one of the fell owship, few took to wandering campus, cop­ students still seem to no t take their major. reports that, "All of a sudden there ies of A Tale of a Tub clutched to roles as agents of our nation's future After the initial was a huge ROAR and Goldgar got their breasts. On Tuesday afternoon, as serious as they needed. Too many shock of not having all rigid and was like, 'This foe is three such students were walking students remain comfortable not any excuse to avoid beyond any of you.' And then we across Main Hall green, lamenting participating in the nation's demo­ one's homework was just started running." the current state of their beloved cratic process. overcome, the stu· Scared for their lives, the stu­ English department when they were "This is not entirely their fault see­ dents held mass pro­ dents ran across the land bridge. tests on Main Hall ing as modem students are barraged The situation was about to escalate, See Goldgar on page 3 with fun distractions. Why· would a Green. however. The Gender student research Guantanamo Bay Nancy Truesdell, Studies department when they could sit on Facebook and Dean of Students, Pho,o by Jen Cox had conjured from the play Jetman all day? I mean, I love responded to a An expected 275 1.awrcntians showed up fo r the mass demonsrartion. depths a gigantic fire· Lawrentian inter- Students carried a variety of signs tha t read, "Facebook = Freedom," playing Jetman and personally know spouting vagina-the its addictive qualities." view, confiding that, ::;;u(~:';:;~c'~:r~·~;-I:;:,~~;~~~ ~~e\:~;~~.~;~ ~=;~:;~. Forever," and Valrog. Goldgar, in "But a special committee "while we appreciate an unprecedented act appointed to address this ubiqui­ all forms of political tors, "You guys are so superficial. I of altruism, stopped tous apathy drew the conclusion activity, this is not what we expected mean, do you even know that Bush running, turned to that it's our responsibility to save or hoped for.'' suspended habeas corpus?" face the beast, and our students from themselves and The protests were peaceful, "Is that one of those applica­ brandishing his cane, eliminate such superfluous distrac­ except for a single student, who had tions?" asked a Lawrentian who was yelled, "Fuck you!" tions as Facebook." a slight altercation with security. He, just left his Freshman Studies class. Chuckling at the irony The news was met with almost along with the three members of his "Because I hate those things, except of his statement, he uniformly negative reaction among quad · who were behaving peacefully for LolCats. I love LolCats." lightly tapped the the student body. at the protest-were all suspended It should be noted that more bridge, causing it Syeed Komail Abbas , a fresh­ indefinitely without a chance to people were expected to attend, but to split in two. The man Lawrence International student defend themselves. The administra­ the protest proved incredibly dif. Valrog tumbled into from Pakistan said; "I come from a tion sent out a letter ambiguously ficult to organize since Facebook the abyss, but not country that has been run primarily explaining the situation while reas­ events were not an option. "I have before unleashing a by the military for the past decade, suring students and their family's to add two hours to my schedule fiery fallopian tube but no Pakistani could imagine such that the campus was still safe. and dragging Professor an atrocity as this." Junior Drew Baumgartner walked Goldgar along with it. Zach Patrick-Riley, junior, said, by, taunting the distressed protes- See Facebook on page 3 Goldgar's demise led

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2 NEWS TIIBSDAY, APRil. I, 2008 THE LAWRENTIAN

TUF.5DAY, APRIL 1, 2008 RELIGION 3 Phi Delts sponsor public art intiative Social mishap causes mishap Emily N. The fraternity will sponsor indi­ advantage of this new patronage. Emily K. did by now. Staff Writer vidual artists who seek to create art Junior Andy Kincaid responded Staff Writer "I just heard, you know, this cer­ that would be publicly installed on warmly to the news. "I would love tain frat mentioned, and this certain The Phi Delta Theta frat ernity the campus. Artists can apply for to work with the Phi Delts in this Lunch in Downer A came to a girl, who was me, and her outfit, and announced its plans last week to grants that will pay for their mate­ capacity. I think that they will accept crashing end shortly after noon on I was just so pissed," said the girl. sponsor a campus-wide public art rials, provided that the works will my grant proposal; a lot of my work Sunday after a student ignored the Her shame escalated into ire too initiative. "We have always support­ be placed in high-traffic locations. is about doin' it." social rules. At the time of publica­ quickly for any authority to be called ed the fine arts at Lawrence," chap­ "We feel that it is important for our Others, however, are less than tion, the perpetrator, a freshman in to intervene. The girl allegedly ter president Tony Norton said in an school to be filled with art," said pleased about the initiative. "Art girl, could not be located and is stood up, turned around suddenly, interview, "whether it has been by Norton. "It not only beautifies where sucks," complained Security Officer thought to be holed up in a friend's and flung her mug of tea in the gen­ attending art openings and recitals we live, but also creates a meaning­ Wade Nelson. "I'm probably gonna Trever double waiting for the seri­ eral direction of the gossiping party. or by encouraging brothers to take ful dialogue between the artists and steal that stuff the same day those ous repercussions of her incredible It hit the wall with a shatter outdoing advantage of first-hand opportuni­ their audiences." art pansies put it up." social blunder to wane. any previous Downer clatter ever ties." Art students are excited to take Said freshman, whose identity raised from anyone slipping at the has not yet been released, allegedly salad bar and dumping their whole began to discuss Saturday night's plate of pasta and both beverages all J.IZ. Rowling: "Oh yeah, Hagrid's Gay Too" events without glancing around the over the place. room, affecting what is known to "I could not listen to my tights Emily D. parts of the Harry Potter universe. sudden revealed that Lolita was actu­ most as "the Lawrence Look," to being discussed any longer, so I sort Suff \X'ritcr "I mean, I thought it was pretty ally 19? It changes the whole story. ascertain that the subject of the dis­ of lost control and had to throw obvious the Leaky Cauldron was a I mean, you would expect to see cussion was not within earshot. something I guess," said the girl. The mug broke into several piec­ In an interview on March 30th, gay bar. I mean, it's in the shopping things like this in the Daily Prophet, That subject was in earshot, how­ Harry Potter author admitted anoth­ district, and Hagrid hangs out there not coming from one of the foremost ever, and was just taking the first es and hot tea spilled all over the er of the beloved characters was gay, all the time." artists of our time." sips of her steamy green tea when table and floor. No one was hurt shaking her fan base once again. She While the response of Rowling's Fans are buzzing with rumors she heard loud laughter behind her. physically, but the speaker of the daimed Hagrid was "like the defini­ outing of Dumbledore was mixed, about a potential relationship The subject of the events has opted gossip took a serious blow to her tion of a bear" referring to the "bear" this move generated overwhelming between Hagrid and Dumbledore, to remain anonymous, although I social life. She has not been seen subculture of modern homosexual­ negative feedback. "It's just ridicu­ and other triangular possibilities. would guess that most of the cam­ since the incident. Further infonna­ ity, which celebrates homosexuality lous that she thinks she can do what­ After the author's October interview, pus knows who she is and what she tion is pending. while still retaining proud mascu­ ever she wants after the publish­ the whole world wondered if anyone 1------.------ing the series," said Peter Raccuglia, linity. She said Hagrid fi t the mold ~~:e~as to come out of the broom Facebook perfectly as a "big, hairy, leather-clad Lawrence junior. " I mean, what's After the lumberjack." According to Rowling, next? Professor McGongall - a trans­ continued from page 1 vestite? What if it Nabokov all of a gay culture also penetrated other everyday," e>..'Plained freshman U e Kevin Gabrielson, "now whenever I B bbl want to talk to one of my friends, look at photos of sweet parties or Teachers announce new courses for • spy on what my ex-girlfriend is B Ur St S • doing, I have to walk halfway across Fall 2008 campus." A candle light vigil is planned The school administration has announced a new crop of classes to be au for every night through next week P 1 at 10:00 pm on Main Hall Green offered next Fall term. The new classes will be offered in every division, and at in the memory of the thousands varying levels, from introductory to capstone courses. Some require instruc­ of Facebook profiles that have lost tor approval for registration, so students wishing to sign up should speak I< arner their lives. with the profe ssors. The following is a list of some of the new courses: Emily J. Staff \\'rm.T Goldgar Matthew Ansfield, "PSTD: Dealing with Loss in a Post-Favre World" During his time at Lawrence Robert Beck, "Gender Roles in the 21st Century" Paul Karner was one of the most continued from page 1 Marcia Bjornerud, "Dispelling Urban Legends: Global Warming" notable and successful students this in a bright light and startled by a thundering voice. "My students, Patrick Boleyn-Fitzgerald, "Meditation and Spring Term" University has ever seen. He was active in many campus activities, I come to you now at the time James Evans, "Life Science Painting by Numbers" including WLFM, the Great Midwest of greatest need ... " The speech Jake Frederick, "Living in a "Full House": Domestic Life in Latin Trivia Contest, and this very publica­ began eloquently, but soon deterio­ tion. "Yeah, I guess I was a pretty rated into a terrible hacking cough. America" Big Man on Campus,'' he admitted. "I Senior Caitlin Gallogly, present dur­ Dave Hall, "Tutorial in Hangover Studies" (Prerequisite required) basically had Plantz Hall eating out ing the incident, said, "At first we Andrew Knudsen, "Introduction to Natural Sciences: Field Trips" of my hand." thought it was Spurgin because it smelled like bowtie, but when the in But life after Larry has not been Megan Pickett, "Astrology, a New Field Physics Research" easy for Karner. He first traveled coughing started, I knew.'' She Timothy Spurgin, "Advanced Fashion: Tying a Bowtie" to Haiti after graduation, hoping to adds that the fit was concluded Mark Urness, "The Smoothest Melody: Kenny G's Life and Works" find a job. "My friend told me that with a high-pitched "Meep!" The light dissipated, and her suspicions Dirck Vorenkamp, " " they needed English teachers, and I can speak English fairly well, so were confirmed as a white robed I thought that I would get a job." Goldgar stood before her. Unfortunately, Karner knows neither Since then, balance has been French nor Haitian Creole, the offi­ restored to the English department. cial languages of the republic. "I Students are no longer able to get Senior Experience couldn't get a job, so after a few away with rambling, unrestrained weeks I was just begging for foo d answers to simple discussion ques­ Emily W. roast, which was mysteriously green gies to use if they ever encounter a from tourists,'' he said. tions. The phrase, "Okay, this might Staff\X'ntcr and glowing. Connie in the wild and the 'Meth Lab Karner eventually came back be a stretch ... " before any answer is "It's just the spices," Naighls Experience' -- oh, wait. Scratch that to the States by smuggling himself not allowed. Nervous laughter is Encouraged by the success of added with a misty-eyed smile of last one. aboard a cargo ship, on which he a taken for a sign that the work the Senior Experience capstone pro­ contentment. "I think that the students are received a new vision for his life. is smarter than you and you don't gram, the Lawrence administration The Downer Experience is a man­ responding very well to the new "I was singing some of my songs to belong in the classroom. Overuse is implementing new programs that datory course in 'food appreciation' programs,'' said Dean of Students myself when 'God started speaking to of the word "like" leads to a verbal will address other "student experi­ in which students must try every­ Nancey Trusedale. She, along with the me. That's when he told me to be a flogging at the Main Hall clock. ences." thing in A line. And they mean rest of the Committee for Extraneous singing missionary.'' "These programs are part of what everything. Programs is already brainstorming He has spent the past six months ''I'm allergic to gluten," a sheep­ for new programs. sets Lawrence apart from other col­ traveling the Midwest, singing songs has found himself just as destitute as ish freshman confessed as a large, "I can't tell you our latest program leges. Otherwise, you might as well about Jesus to whoever would lis­ in Haiti. Afflicted by hunger, Karner red hive appeared on her cheek. She just yet, but let's just say it has some­ go to a state school," said Lawrence ten. His music has been described makes periodic returns to Lawrence shuddered, then bravely downed the thing to do with Professor Goldgar, a President Jill Behck. as a cross between Wesley Willis during events such Midnight break­ rest of her whole wheat dinner roll. llama and Sampson House!" said The programs are designed to and children's church sing-a-longs. fast and Trivia. "Sometimes I don't Other new programs include: the Trusedale with a delighted giggle. uphold the ideals of a liberal arts He accompanies himself with a eat for days,'' he said, "so I really 'Mudd Experience,' in which students The Lawrence administration is education and to prepare students guitar stolen from an unattended appreciate that free food.'' are coached in the art of talking leaving no stone unturned and no for the 'real world.' One of the Conservatory practice room. Yet Karner refuses to call it quits. really loudly on their cell phones student unprepared for life in the best examples is the newly created The '07 grad has not, however, "Following God isn't supposed to be and leaving their stuff at tables; the 'real world.' The new 'experience' 'DO\rner fa.'Perience.' experienced the decadent life of a easy, but God gave me a gift, and it's 'Pretentious Collegiate E'<])erience,' in programs ensure that this new gen­ "It doesn't get any more real rockstar that he C.'<])ected. "I thought my duty to use it.'' which students perfect their 'judging eration of Lawrentians will be versed than this," said Director of Dining that I would be making tons of Paul requests that donations be eyes'; the 'l onservatory b.1)erience,' in all of the essentials. Smices Patrich 'aighls as he looked money by now, and that lots of girls sent via Paypal to Paul-!Jesusl98'i ,i in which students are taught strate down at c\ tray of steannng pork would be telling me that they wou ld yahoo.com. save them. 1•lvcs for me." Ins•ead, he THE LAWRENTIAN

REALITY TUESDAY, APRIL I, 2008

' > ~ *"'"'~~-cl'<' '-"'--'"'~*~~~~~~"'~ TI-IE LAWRENTIAN

TUF.5DAY, APRIL 1, 2008 ARIEL '86 5 Point-Counterpoint God Brett Favre

Emily R. you."' Emily 0. hundred and fifty-three consecutive Brett Favre had a trademark symbol, Sraff Writcr This passage displays God's Sraff Water games of football to us. When I pray or Wisconsinites could show more amazing rhetorical skills. Brett on Sundays, I'm not always sure skin, I'm sure the numbers would The idea that Favre should Favre, however, can barely make it Humans wrestle with fundamen­ about God, but any of those given be different. replace God at the top of the food through a press conference without tal questions of the order of the two hundred and fifty-three Sundays Favre also serves the commu­ chain is laughable. Just consider crying. universe each day, and will continue I knew Brett would deliver. Brett's nity a lot better than God. The some of God's attributes. First, God Favre's overly-groomed stubble to for the rest of their existence. constant performance may have to 2000 years since Jesus the miracles is infallible. Favre has won a bunch is also womanly in comparison to Today, I hope to clear up one issue do with his constant boyish attitude have been few and far between, but of football games, but he has also God's awesome beard. that many have struggled with, espe­ and dedication. God's behavior fluc­ Favre's foundation has given over lost a lot, including every critical God is the real tough one: Brett cially in the state of Wisconsin. tuates from his harsh condemnation four million dollars to the com­ game since the 1997 Super Bowl. Favre is only hated in Illinois and Brett Favre steps out of the hier­ of Job to his understanding forgive­ munity and saved more games than God, on the other hand, has never Minnesota whereas God is hated archy that defined monarchies and ness of Mary Magdalene. We need a God has souls. Four millions dollars lost a game. Perhaps God should by communist countries, the demo­ football teams forever, transcending constant winner as quarterback of means a lot more to a community replace Brett Favre and show the cratic party, Scandinavia and liberal his mandate to lead and blazing a the universe, not a flip-flopper of than a couple of souls; the people Patriots how to really complete a arts colleges. trail as more than mere mortal. epic proportions. they belonged to probably got on perfect season. Furthermore, God will still be In the city of Green Bay, a town Brett Favre also holds the record everyone's nerves anyway. God is also omnipresent. Favre relevant even after Peyton Manning more steeped in tradition than Rome for most career touchdowns, and Most importantly, Brett knows plays one position because he can and Eli Manning incestuously cross­ or Jerusalem, Brett Favre reigns though it has turned out to be an when to call it quits. God has been only be in one place at the same breed the uber-quaterback, but supreme. Everyone knows humans epic story, God has only scored losing the battle between good and time. God, however, is all over the Favre won't. put a higher value on winning than once, and she's still a virgin anyway. evil for a good couple million years, field. Who's that dying on the cross? The biggest argument for God, anything else, and Brett has won 160 His first NFL completion was to and seems to persist in this futile Descending to earth as a cute little however, is that he never took pain­ games of football. What has God himself, whereas God has no pass effort to save souls. Brett Favre dove? Coming back as Eric Clapton? killers. While being nailed repeatedly ever won? Our souls? That is much completions or catches recorded went out on top, after barely losing God, God, and God. If he played by 275-pound linebacker undoubt­ easier than a game of professional in professional football. Because of the NFC championship game to the quarterback, God would throw a edly sucks, being nailed to a cross as football. We should worship the these records and his shining per­ eventual Super Bowl champ. God million passes - to himself. you are left to die is far worse. things we actually care about and sonality, the Lambeau field fan shop is losing the battle every day to But why am I defending God Plus, Brett Favre was still loved hold sacred, not just pay lip-service has sold more than 52, 000 Favre puny human nature. Favre's taste­ when he has already defended by all even as he harbored these to nice ideas. Farve offers results, jerseys since 2005. How many jer­ ful retirement crowns him as the himself against any blasphemous illegal addictions. Jesus not only God promises only pretty churches seys has God sold? In fact, I am not eternal Lord of Football, while God's charges? As he said in Exodus, "I suffered the humiliation of being and boring Sunday School. sure I have ever seen someone with continual denial shows his weak­ have indeed seen the misery of my wrongly accused, but was also We give our time to both church any God merchandise besides those nesses. Favre can truly quit while he people in Egypt. I have heard them taunted by sinful Romans and those and football each Sunday. Brett Favre tacky WWJD bracelets. He seems to is ahead, while God only falls farther crying out because of their slave ever-annoying Pharisees. But God has taken our time and given two have a monopoly on tattoos, but if and farther behind. drivers, and I am concerned about persevered through this traumatiz­ their suffering. ing ordeal and resurrected himself. "So I have come down to res­ God is superior to Favre despite cue them from the hand of the facing greater adversity. Best new band of 2008!!! Egyptians and to bring them up out Granted, having your jersey Emily C. Staff W'ntcr refreshing. I mean, you can look at In the Spin interview, he said that he of that land into a good and spa­ hung in a famous stadium is one pictures of bands like Interpol and likes postcolonial literary theory! cious land, a land flowing with milk form of immortali ty, but God has So I haven't actually heard the the White Stripes, and they have I actually heard one of their and honey. So now, go. I am sending already surpassed this with two good clothes and everything, but songs, called "Oxford Comma." At you to Pharaoh to bring my people new Vampire Weekend CD, or know jerseys: the Shroud of Turin and the what it's called, but I ·do know that it they look so mean. And their clothes first I didn't like it because the guitar the Israelites out of Egypt." cloak of Guadalupe. True immortal­ were the bes t. Their lead singer was line was kind of annoying, but then God said to Moses, "I am who I will be the best CD of 2008. ity, however, is living in the hearts, How do I know this? wearing a J. Press shirt, and the I was like, "They are singing about am. This is what you are to say to minds and actions of the righteous. guitarist was wearing a Marc Jacobs grammar. That is the cutest thing the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to Easy. All the biogs -- like Gorilla In this regard, God never fails. vs. Bear, Good Weather for Airstrikes shirt, and the bassist was wearing a ever." And they were swearing too! and Pitchfork ·· said they're the Penguin shirt, and the drummer was The main chorus goes, "who the greatest thing and they're never wearing some really tight Buckler f* ** cares about an oxford comma," wrong. Also, they were on the cover jeans. They just looked so happy which is so innovative because they of Spin, and they looked so cute' and perfect. Oh and how can I forget! were being racy about something Campus hook-up Plus, they all went to Columbia They don't wear T-shirts on stage, as that only old women care about. which is an Ivy League school and a rule! I mean, that's just respectable This album should get an 11 . everyone in Ivy leagues is smart -- I wish other bands would follow out of 10 because it's really revo­ so they must be smart and smart their lead. And their lead singer only lutionary. There has never been a remains secret people always do everything right so wears boat shoes' band as cute and cool as Vampire they're album has to be good. Ezra Koening, the lead singer, is Weekend, and biogs are never wrong Emily V. people would talk about it, because, But first I want to talk about a fourth generation Ivy Leaguer. That about new music. Their album (what­ ~taff \\nrl·r obvi I like it when people talk about cute they looked in Spin. They were means he's like a genius. And I bet if ever it's called) is definitely the best me." Obvi. all smiling on the cover, which is so I listened to the album, I could-tell. album of the year. When John and Sara engaged in John, too, is perplexed by the '------,.------­ silence of his "bros" in regards to sexual intercourse after a night of anyone," laments John. In the past, his pornographic adventures. He Captain Morgan and Soulja Boy, both his hook-ups have been the subject claims that he even snapped a few Prize for Translation expected their dirty doings to spread of many laughs and equally as many throughout the Lawrence Bubble action shots with his iPhone and awkward silences. Now, he feels as Putpat, susto exeraesequi te con adio duis dolorer aestio consed distributed them to his friends via faster than a Viking Conservative though he has nothing to talk about ut lore vullan utatuerci ex euisl mincin utem ea feu feuguer ad et multimedia text message. A ballsy through a crowd of gays. To their in social situations. Sara claims inibh eugue vendiam, summodio praestrud ex eu faccum volute dio move indeed, but nothing seems to surprise, however, news of their illic­ she is unable to concentrate on her odolobor ipsum auguero core ming odoluptat vel iustis num dolorperci have come of it. "Not one response, it escapades has been nonexistent. schoolwork. Her friends report that et, commodo dolorperos endre te mod dionum venis nullaor alit I swear," John swears. "Not even a "Yeah, usually my friends know she has started all conversations vent alisl in henim nit wisl ut non­ nulla con voluptat acipsum zzriure 'LOL' or 'OMFG.' Very weird, man." exactly where my hands and mouth with, "Oh my God, I do not even want ulput aut non ent prat. Ut lorer modit exer sirn quisi. Weirdest of all, perhaps, was have been," says Sara. "Everyone to talk about Friday night" for the sim venisit auguer in ver in vel dit Dolorem delessi. Met dunt lore that the couple's foray into Downer knows everything about everyone past week. vullaor augiate del ea commodig­ tio exerosto dolum quat, quat. Ut the following morning went totally at this school, so when I hooked The two came to The Lawrentian nibh et do dit autpat lutpat velesed aut vent loborem ing estrud min unnoticed. "I was even wearing his up with John, I thought my gal pals in hopes of sharing their story in magnis ex ex et ute vent lor senibh heniscidunt lam vel dolent wisirn hoodie," says Sara. "How much more would play their part and act sur­ a more spectacular way. No one el et, conulla ad tie consectet prat quam adip ea facipis modolorper obvi can I make it?" The two say that prised." But when her frien ds didn't reads The Lawrentian, and we have • luptat dolent inim zzrilla am zzri­ in vel esequis dolummo dolobor sis simply telling their friends about say anything, Sara found herself at a changed their names as well, just to ure modolor periuscipit vel dolum eum zzrit, sit ilit iuscin henibh ent their rum-soaked tryst is out of the loss. "I mean, I don't know what to spite them and their HPV-spreading in ute mincipsusci tat, conse digna dunt incincilit lore vulla facipisi. question. "It's not our job to tell do. I hooked up with the guy just so ways.

INCREASE YOUR CARJO N FO Of PRINf BURN fHIS NEWSPAPER! THE LAWRENTIAN

6 TRICK OR TREAT TUSDAY, APRIL 1, 2008 JEP: What about blindfolds? PB: Yes. Anything to add to the LU moves into the future, BDSM mystique. ZK: Let's talk about whip size. We wanted to dedicate this lnTouch Magazine has announced implements Internet intensive courses week's fashion column to a hobby that this is the year of long whips: EmilyY. Lawrence's second graduating class, that has grown in popularity on the 6-8 feet. S1aff \X 'ntcr which chronicles a harsh winter term Lawrence campus. BDSM (Bondage . PB: I don't know. I've got a pretty of blowing blizzards, rodent infesta­ Domination and Sado-Masochism) deep emotional bond with my first tions, and, discussed most heatedly, has been around for a long time, The GERs are getting a facelift five-foot whip. starting in the 2008-09 school year. a really annoying classmate in her but has become quite trendy since JEP: Yeah I like those ones. I like to speaking practicum. the introduction of the popular CSI: Following a recent trend towards keep my distance as an intimidation increased Internet use, Lawrence has Lawrence has now realized that Miami and CSI: Las Vegas television factor. I also like using masks for the declared oral communication a dead the future must be brighter for its series. same reason. can't. art. students. A Plantz freshman, tracked ZK: So I thought we could begin by ZK: But then you can't see those down in the lounge where he had ZK: I just want to say that Leather The decision comes after a series going around and discussing how we faces of pure helplessness, anguish been living for what looked and got into the BDSM subculture. teddies will never, ever go out of of violent protests took place last and despair. term. The university has decided smelled like weeks, heartily agreed PB: Well, my girlfriend and I met at style. That coupled with some fish­ PB: But it adds to the mystique! net pantyhose makes my guy go to remove the speaking intensive with the decision. a Halloween party and since then JEP: What about masquerade masks? Speaking without withdrawing we have always been into role-play­ wild. requirement from the general educa­ That way you get the best of both tion requirements completely, replac­ his gaze from his slightly roughed­ ing. Lately that hasn't been enough PB: Leather is just such a versatile worlds: anguish and mask. material. Classy but risky, Old but ing it with a new "Internet intensive" up PowerBook, he said, "You know, though, and so we bought our first ZK: Well, whatever floats your boat, who even talks anymore? Really. I outfits a month ago. Our relation­ new. It's forever. requirement, which will challenge I guess. That is what BDSM is all read 'The Onion' online and write in ship has never been better. jEP: There's nothing better than the students to master such skills as about: the individualistic expression varied as blogging, e-mailing, face­ my blog about 67 times a day, which jEP: My parents were really into it, power you get from realizing that of inner longings. an animal (or a few) lived miserable booking, myspaceing, googling, wiki­ usually takes about five or six hours and because of them, I've always had Well, that's going to wrap it up fo!" every day, if I'm diligent. This should an avid interest. lives, suffering heavily, and probably pediaing, and youtubing. us. Any last thoughts? Predictions While the uproarious protests on basically make me a straight A stu­ ZK: All right. Well, let's start off with had brutal deaths just so you could about future fashions? the green last term were a serious dent, you know?" lady's fashion. make a fashion statement. It's just a PB: Capes are full of potential. Total feeling of pure power. turning point, they were coupled Professors find themselves torn PB: Well, my girlfriend and I still like mystique. on the subject. Professor Garth Bond, to experiment with costumes. Now ZK: Yeah, I know what you mean. with a recent discovery made by JEP: Fake blood that tastes like jelly. Lawrence archivist Julie Stringfellow. an enthusiastic supporter of Mood.le, we just stick to variations of the It reminds me of the time I stuck a ZK: Ok, well that's it for us. I want bunch of needles in my partner. It turns out that the speaking inten­ is not entirely against the idea as devil, and try to incorporate the tri­ to thank everyone on the panel for he routinely finds himself frustrat­ WM: I remember that night! What a sive requirement, with its notorious­ dent in new, fun, inventive ways. helping out. If you have any ques­ ed with students who suffer from JEP: Speaking of women's costumes, rush! ly limited list of classes, has been a tions about BDSM, specifically what point of serious contention amongst unbalanced Internet skills, having nothing catches my attention more JEP: So do you guys prefer to gag the to wear, feel free to stop any of submissive's mouth? Lawrentians for roughly 150 years, trouble turning assignments in on than a Nun who is willing to tie me us at Downer or email lawrentian@ time via Moodle, but finding no prob­ ZK: Nah, I always like to hear my since the first Public Speaking down. Freudian or not, it works in lawrence.edu. lem creating fake Facebook accounts a way that a school girl's uniform partner scream. Practicum took place. Stringfellow recovered and restored the diary for him. of Jennifer McDuff, a member of LAWROSCOPES Lawrence Atonal Pop Group Taurus: April 1- May 22 "Poop Sandwich" N ominated In your rush to get to class, you'll Scorpio: October 23- November 23 stumble across a penny. Don't pick Steal your friends' Sharpie markers it up! That crust on the copper isn't this weekend. Just because you fall for Three Grammys rust. asleep first on the weekend doesn't EmilyW. Sophomore guitarist Ben agree on one thing, though: "this mean you have to be a human can­ Staff \X 'ritcr DeCorsey expressed concern though, award was completely unexpected ." Gemini: May 22- June 22 vas. Try to collect all the colors' "I don't want Poop Sandwich to lose "I mean, we don't even have a It is unwise to hide in the closet As the nominations for the 2008 record contract, or even a record or when your roommate comes home Sagittarius: November 23- Grammy awards, the most presti­ even a recorded song yet," mused tonight. You know that only makes December 22 gious award in the world, were being lead singer and composer, Graham her uncomfortable. That little dance you do in celebra­ announced, mass confusion erup t­ Hand. "I don't know how the nomi­ tion of finishing your paper? Close ed among reporters. A completely nating committee even heard of us Cancer: June 22- July 23 your drapes next time. unknown group, Lawrence's own - it's all still a mystery." You could look both ways before Poop Sandwich, was named in the When asked to give reasons for crossing College Ave. OR you Capricorn: December 22- January running for three different nomina­ the nomination, junior keyboardist couldn't, and then you wouldn't be 21 tions: Best New Artist, Best Record Peter Raccuglia offered, "I think this in so much debt to your future alma Be forewarned: if you show off of the Year (Knives! Knives! Knives!) move reflects the sentiments of the mater. your flexibility skills while playing and Best Male Vocal Performance country. Everyone is talking about Twister, he'll never stop calling. (Graham Hand). Questioning whis­ change. Bringing atonal pop into Leo: July 23- August 24 pers spread among reporters imme­ mainstream is a bold move for the Sometimes there comes a time when Aquarius: January 21- February 19 diately after the name was said by Grammy committee to make, and we you have to decide whether or not Party like an animal this weekend Alan D. Bag, chair of the Grammy respect it. In fact, we would like to to sell your soul. Too bad yours was but avoid hiding in the bushes. It'll committee. The buzz was so great see a blending of genres." only worth the cost of one book at be hard to explain those scratches that Larry King included a section of Graham Hand agreed, "We are the Conk. to your significant other. his nightly talk show entitled "Who's currently in talks with Rihanna about Poop Sandwich?" and www.pitch­ duet album. We met with her in L.A. Virgo: August 24- September 23 Pisces: February 19- March 20 forkmedia.com ran a cover article last month and our voices blend so That door you always run into? Even Uoy oughtth siht wsa gniog ot eb a about the band that even they had Phot0 courtesy of Faccbook well that it is an opportunity we can't funnier when you look surprised. trrebile preidtcoin dndit' uoy. never heard of. Graham Hand, lead singer of Poop Sandwich, afford to pass up." was named for three different nominati ons at the "Rihanna has been one of my top "The publicity has been amazing. awards ceremony. He is well known for brinWng Libra: September 23- October 23 Aries: March 20- April 1 My Mom already told all her fri ends in the thunJcr, as photographed. musical heroes, " Hand said. "She, Have you checked your bank account Learn from your mistakes, of which and my Dad said he's going to buy Paula Abdul and broken washing lately? Maybe you should. Unless introducing your current boyfriend me a new watch," said senior Reed its 'cute appeal.' That's always been machines are probably my three top you really did purchase 100 lawn to your ex-girlfriend may have been Flygt, who plays drums for Poop our secret weapon." influences." flamingos. one. Sandwich. The boys of Poop Sandwich all Photo poll by Emily a. How old are youP "21." "21." - Peter Raccuglia - Doris Kim THE LAWRENTIAN

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2008 TRICK OR TREAT PART 2 7 STAFF EDITORIAL Kanye West gives convocation ------Administration abuses on how great he is Emily Z. 2007 Video Music Awards. This was cifically for me, and my great body, S1aff Writer emergency phone service after he bum-rushed the stage at by the designers themselves who are the 2006 MTV Europe Video Awards all dose friends and huge fans of my We agree that the original intent of the new cell phone policy was Last Tuesday, Grammy award­ when he lost the Best Video Award awesome music. a good idea to address increasing security concerns, but the new emer­ winning rapper Kanye West gave claiming that when he doesn't win an LCF issued a statement last gency phone service may be being abused by the administration. As a Convocation entitled "Kanye award, "the awards show loses cred­ month upon the announcement many know, the administration is keeping all students phone numbers West: God's Gift to Mankind" in ibility." Maybe his most controvmial of West's scheduled convocation, on record in case of a campus emergency. Although well-intentioned, the Memorial Chapel. West gave the public move was when he appeared "While we are pleased to see variety the administration may now be abusing its access to this information. convocation in part due to his recent dressed as Jesus, with a crown of and diversity added to our convoca­ The term emergency may need to be more strictly defined, because publicity tour promoting the release thorns and fake blood, on the cover tion schedule, we have mixed feel­ it seems the newly compiled list of student numbers is being used for of his fourth album 'Tm the Best of Rolling Stone magazine. ings about Mr. West. As many know, sodal calls. An anonymous Lawrence administrator expressed a desire Thing Since Jesus" which hit stores West had many words of advice Mr. West's first single, "Jesus Walks," to "just get in touch with my homegirls" and claimed that "sometimes this April 1st. was revolutionary in its content I need a younger opinion, and a fashion emergency is still an emer­ "I've been corning out with and its commentary on American gency." most revolutionary, innova­ culture. However, we are forced to Abuse of the service seems to have reached the highest levels. tive, popping albums since question many of West's actions "I'm not sure that 'Gurl wut u up 2 1tz ]-Beck?' is an urgent message." Michael Jackson. And I've espedally his titling of the new said junior SaralI Page. She claimed to have received this message from been playing these bumping record and this recent publidty president Jill Beck during her 2:30 tutorial. "I mean I can't pay any atten­ live shows that blow down the tour, and we feel comfortable say­ tion with these constant text messages. I try to be friendly, but that was house every time, but, I mean, ing that it is in blatant opposition the fourth today, and I've never even seen her!" she complained.· She some people just don't get it," to Jesus' example and emphasis is one of many students complaining of being bothered by Lawrence West said as means of explain­ of humility. While we admire and employees after the instatement of the policy. With such rampant use of ing why he has decided to respect Mr. West's extraordinary the directory, the motives for the service have come into question. give lectures instead of play­ talent, we would like to remind Unfortunately, the numbers have been put on file for good, and ing concerts in support of "I'm him of his divine role and respon­ there is little that can stop the deluge of "emergency" texts to the stu­ the Best," which is what he has sibility." dent body. The administration and the student body communicate so done after his previous releas­ Other Lawrentians gave very well already, it was hard to imagine them getting any doser, but seem­ es, "The College Dropout" positive feedback. Senior Skyler ingly, uncontrolled access to student's phone numbers brought it to a "Title and Registration" and Silvertrust was overwhelmingly whole new level. "Graduation." enthusiastic about the lecture, While we appreciate the administration's to create closer bonds, "Sometimes you just got "As an aspiring rapper myself espedally after what many view to be overly cold handling to tell them to their faces - expect to see a Goofus and We love to see the more personal face of the administration but this until they understand" West Goofus record featuring Daniel personal face must remain professional. While security is a priority, said in an exclusive interview Eric Prichard and myself out in academics is another one and texting students during class is unac­ with The Lawrentian. "I mean Fall 09 - Kanye has long been a ceptable. it's not that hard of a con­ major influence for me. I found Btw Jill letz YR it @ 8. Drinkz on us gurl. cept: Kanye West is the best it to be the most intellectually rapper of all time and one stimulating convocation I've ever of the most perfect human Photo br \ndrcw Sulhrnn been to. The message was really beings ever created - oh, and Campus Center reaches 1--.an r c \X "csi channeled hi s tnncr preacher as he sp~kc Tuesday. inspiring and uplifting. And I actu- the most beautiful," West said ally got a chance to meet him. I floating compromise with a chuckle. "But seriously peo­ and detailed his own life as one that asked for advice and he was like, ple, it's all right under your noses. In should be imitated. West said that he 'Just listen to my records, man, just your heart, you all know it's true." Emily I. which stipulates that the center will listens to his records every morning listen to my records.' I'm really mad West has always had the reputa­ Sraff\X"mcr be a floating entity, able to move during his mediation routines as a that I forgot my Goofus and Goofus tion among pop culture followers between the two poles of campus. way of self-betterment. demo in my other pair of orange of speaking his mind, especially in Domi Roberts, junior Treverite, West wore Marc Jacobs jeans, corduroys, cause I meant to slip it After lengthy talks, Treverites regards to his confidence in his own said though he is not looking for­ a Sean Paul button-down under an to him." and Colmanites have finally come skills. He has been quoted saying ward towards walking to the other Armani velour sportcoat, compli­ The next convocation, "Why to an agreement on the location of that some of his songs are "Gimme­ end of campus to eat breakfast on mented by Gucd alligator-skin shoes, Indie Music Is So Gosh-Darn Cute" the Campus Center. Because of the Grammys." A Youtube video caught location of each dorm, the Campus Tuesday and Thursdays, he "is abso­ 4-inch big Dolce and Gabanna sun­ will be given by Death Cab for Cutie's him during a meltdown after MTV Center has been an issue of conten­ lutely thrilled by the decision. Finally, glasses and an estimated $2.3 million Ben Gibbard on the 27th of May in supposedly snubbed him by not let­ I don't have to listen to the constant in jewelry. All of these, West noted in the Chapel. tion. After three days of tedious ting him play the main stage at the negotiations in the basement of whining and complaining of every­ his convocation, "were designed spe- Briggs, a peace treaty was signed one who's ever lived in Colman." Letters to the Editor "]-Board? More like Gay-Board" nitely not doing any of that stuff. was not enough. Much to my dismay as American as light beer, and this ]-Board sucks. A couple weeks Unfortunately, those douche-bags on Page 8, the Arts and Entertainment magnitude of an insult should have ago, after some beer pong with my ]-Board are too stupid to recognize 2007 Album Review, was already the editors of our fine publication bros, I was out and about cam­ who's lying and who's telling the so full of shit, it would have ren­ on trial for treason. Besides the fact pus when a stranger accosted me. I truth. Now if I get in trouble one dered the activity counterproductive. that he makes Bruce Willis, a man responded to this attack peacefully more time I have to move out of the Four lists of the top 7 albums, with who took a helicopter down with and tried to defuse the situation, so house. In my effort to go green, in out mention of Bruce Springsteen's a motorcycle, look like a pussy, he imagine my surprise when I received The whole situation is retarded accordance with my fall term in "Magic" is an overlook to the degree makes amazing music. I pity the a letter from Dean Truesdell. My and could have been avoided if those environmentally preserved Costa of considering the top 7 biggest fools who dared diss Springsteen, attacker had lied to her, saying that I gays on ]-Board would just lighten Rica, Intro to Environmental Science players in the New Testament and because if the Boss finds out about "was screaming at people and throw­ up. Even if I had been tossing emp­ class, and the threats of Greenfire, excluding Jesus. Sure Mathew, Mark, this there is no telling what he could ing beer bottles at them." The letter ties, who cares? I have been mis­ I have taken to wiping my ass with Luke and Indie music are important do. I suggest that a retraction and said that I had to go to J-Board over treated by ]-Board and deserve an recycled issues of the Lawrentian. in their own respects, but they are apology letter be printed immedi­ the incident. apology, or at least a get out of jail Strangely, this Saturday, after a par­ only human when compared to the ately by all the contributors to those This accusation is totally bogus. free card or something ticularly unpleasant Hunan 2 experi­ immortal, timeless, and universal god-forsaken lists. I was a little drunk, but I was defi- -Anonymous ence, even the new 12 page layout talent of The Boss. Bruce is about -Travis Fondow, '09

"21." "Timeless." - Bob Nicholson -You

"21."

- Cascy Sautter mily Leininger THE LAWRENTIAN

8 MARIO KART 64 TUE.5DAY, APRIL I, 2008 Iran denies World Cup loss 8 Emily Q. President Ahmadinejad is the will boldly admit that our national 9 7 9 9 Staff Writer most prominent Holocaust denier. team's performance in the 2006 He also famously claimed in a speech World Cup was absolutely horrible Last week, President Mahmoud last fall at Columbia that, "there are and pathetic. There is no excuse 1 Ahmadinejad invited numerous soc­ no gays in Iran." As both are accepted to lose to some team from Africa,

cer commentators and former soccer among historians and sociologists, I can't even remember which one it \ players to Tehran for a three-day the Western world reacted to these is. I will unfortunately pass a dys­ 6 conference in an attempt to validate claims with disbelief and anger. "It's functional national soccer team to his claim that Iran did not actually infuriating," said Lawrence sopho­ my predecessor, which has become 9 lose during the 2006 World Cup. Iran more Michael Smith. "I mean those my only regret about my eight years 9 9 2 finished at the bottom of Group D, claims about the Holocaust and gays in the White House. " After gather­ only claiming a single point from a are ridiculous enough by themselves, ing himself from one of his rare draw with Angola. but how can someone watch a game public emotional breakdowns, Bush It was unclear if Ahmadinejad of soccer and deny that one team returned back to the subject and insinuated that Iran won the World lost? It's right there on the screen!" said, "The Iranian people deserve the Cup, since after leaving the first George Bush released a comment truth, the whole truth. It's time that 5 round, any team that loses is imme­ in response to the conference say­ Ahmadinejad brought freedom back diately eliminated from the tourna­ ing, "Ahmadinejad has further lost to his nation's political sphere." 9 9 9 ment. This leaves the only team not credibility in the eyes of the interna­ The U.N. has threatened to place 4 to lose, after the first round, as the tional. The people of the Iran want further sanctions on Iran until they champion; following Ahmadinejad's the truth, no matter how harsh it is. take responsibility for the poor play 3 logic, this winner would be Iran. As president of the United States, I during the famous tournament. Sage Hall plunges into river, Never to be seen again

Emily L. housed a reasonably large number of wave. They all survived, suffering and increase the time spent on the classmen have noticed, will not be Staff Wntcr Lawrence students, fell victim to the only minor cuts and rug burns. In construction site. harvested for months, maybe years, robust moves the Boldt Construction fact the only casualties were two "We will eventually get the bricks to come. After weeks of enduring the roll­ company has been putting on the gerbils that, unfortunately for them, and such off the ground," said a uni­ If you were a resident of Sage ing aftershocks resulting from the hillside next door to the residence were being kept on the first floor. versity representative. "It's not our Hall, you may come to the destruc­ construction of the new campus cen­ hall formerly known as Sage. Though many students feel that top priority, however. Construction tion site tomorrow afternoon and ter, Russell Sage Hall finally gave a The students in the building at Sage will be missed, many person­ is our priority -- not destruction! find your belongings. In the mean­ great sigh and fell gracelessly off the the time were thankfully crowded ages in other areas of the university And right now our very top prior­ time, housing will be provided for hillside on Tuesday, April 1. together on the fourth floor, where feel that the time wasted on Sage ity is building this student center." those who lost their habitat within The 91-year-old structure, which they were inspecting a broken micro- upkeep can now be used to build The fruits of which, as many upper- a week.

OR TO THE FI T u ____ RS

PENING TUESDAY, APRIL ST THE L-\WRENTIAN

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2008 DORITOS COOLER RANCH 9 The Ether: The Autoerotic Fabric of the Universe Emily E. flesh, and we have nothing to do but Surt \\m,·r approximate, approXlillate, approxi­ mate. This approximation, however, Naysayers would tell · you that can only get us so far. At some point The Ether it is nothing more than folk empiri­ we must break. down our dark mate­ cism, but I know the truth. I lay in rial individualities and accept the bed yesterday with the ether in my pulsating, self-loving whole (see f;~­ fingernails, it crawling on me and ure 1). This is where ethereal soence me crawling on it. The stuff hung comes into play. heavy in the air and worked its way The ethereal scientific methoQ into the dampness ot m'r innards. I eschews the conventions of the wondered if it was the reason I had a Baconian method in favor of a liber­ hard on every morning when I woke ally interpreted game of exquisite up. The institute and I could conduct corpse In ~uch a !iame, indi\idu­ an experiment to investigate-very als take turns acting on a med.mm se;,,.y, very e,\.1)eriential, probably get (such as writing on a piece of paper), me tenure at Beloit. But that's work. obscuring a portion of their work for another day. No need for beakers before handing it to the next player. and the spectroscope this morning, The scientist wishing to understand I thought, I'll pull the damned stuff the ether need only to e>..1)erience it apart with my hands. as it is, using any ideas or objects Harper's Magazine says this whatsoever as his means of exquisite thing called dark matter is prevent­ corpse. Proper observance of the ing galaxies from congregating into trends, bucklings, and creases on the one massive galaxy, with something body, the rock, the prophylactic, or Dark Matter like a billion black holes at its cen­ the letter 'Q' will eventually convey ter, each sucking away at the fabric an understanding of the ether as of the universe and spitting it out a donut-shaped mass of energy. A somewhere downstream. Like the release will follow. galaxies, it is this dark matter which And so as I walked down the prevents us from becoming one with avenue that morning I could feel the the ether, and one with each other. ether parting around me, pressing Instead, we must approximate this at my sides in an attempt to decon­ oneness and couple in passion. All struct, liberate, and unite. I pulled the better if it is a warm day, for the damned stuff apart with my then even the air seems to pull at our hands, and it kind of felt like Jell-0. Just give up Emily X. one at Lawrence is poorly groomed. in an incestuous, soap opera sort of freshmen studies beau. These people the time many people learn to not Staff \\'ntcr But the intersection is small, as way - making it really awkward to be claim that skype sex (yes, this actu­ feel awkward touching a member of shown by this Venn Diagram. around one another. Lawrence is like ally happens) is just as good, but the opposite sex, they are shaking Now for the depressing part of this, because it is small and gossipy. we all know that laptops can fail at Jill Beck's hand with sweaty palms _ the usually humorous April Fool's If you hook up with the most crucial of moments. These before walking off the graduation issue. Lawrence love columnists usu­ someone, it is imme­ people don't realize that you can't stage. ally try to pretend that the pursuit diately awkward and get away with folds in your ass just listen Lawrence, I'm not joking, of romantic happiness at our insti­ universally known. because you're mutually masturbat­ but the staff would only let me print tution is not only worthwhile, but This further pre­ ing with your partner over skype this in the April Fool's Day issue. also feasible. Some lies are worth vents relationships forever. It's too bad these people This is not bleak or pessimistic: only perpetuating, for they give meaning from advancing don't give Lawrence a chance; if we realistic. I would know. I have had and purpose to life, but creating beyond a stage of were all in it together, we might try a brief fling with a member of this the illusion of a healthy love life at awkward stares and a little harder all around. student body, but after she repeat­ Lawrence is just cruel to the entire drunken mistakes. edly fell asleep during the Matrix, student body. It is true that there is A meaningful rela­ 4. Bad Social Skills- Sorry 300 and Beerfest, I knew it was not more to attraction than just physical tionship therefore is Lawrence, lots of us have skills, meant to be. After whittling away at beauty, and this fact has been the almost impossible if but in an 1-play-a-weird-instrument­ my expectations, I realized that this saving grace of the myth of a happy Notice that this small intersec­ it is not perfectly calculated. or-actually-like-good-books kind kernel I found inside wasn't really Lawrence love, but after two terms tion decreases the chances of find­ of way, not in an 1-say-charming­ worth the sacrifice. It may be time here, I have come to the conclusion ing a desirable mate. This point, 3. Long distance relationships things-while-interacting-with-mem­ to admit defeat and move on. As that the other elements required however, is so undeniably obvious - Lots of people have long distance hers-of-the-opposite-sex kind of way loyal Lawrentian readers know, there ror a healthy relationship are not that it is bareh even worth repeat­ relationships, with significant oth­ (grinding with some scantily-clad is summer/\vinter/spring break and present at LawTence. I will continue ing. ers scattered from the Far East to freshman at a SigEp party does not even life after Lawrence. One benefit by listing the parts ot La\\Tcnce life East Troy. These Lawrentians are actually count as an social interac­ to bursting the La\Hence bubble may that stand in direct opposition to a Z Everyone knows everyone - : usually either very exotic or utterly tion). I often find myself tongue-tied be e;,,.1)anded horizons, i' ,,ill prob­ successful relationship. remember in high school, I had an boring, but sometimes they are hid­ when speaking to one of the five ably most prominently be meeting extended group of friends with about den gems unable to realize that cute members of the class of 2011, people who wear nice clothes and 1. Attraction- l\ot everyone at thirty members. By junior year we the people back home are probably or any of my female professors, and shower Lawrence is unattractive. Kot every- had all hooked up \\ith each other uglier or dumber than a possible I am nowhere near the worst. By

·------I ·------I I I I I Security Coupon: I Security Coupon: I I I I I I I I I Good for one free I I Good for one free I I I I I cigarette I I door unlocking I I I I 1- I I I 1 I present this coupon to redeem I I present this coupon to redeem I • ------• ·------· THE LAWRENTIAN

10 ROGET'S THESAURUS TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2008 Favre fake-out: Foreplays again! Lawrence University Emily C. Where is this guy now, you ask? the Lions, we have another division game, take away his All-Pro receivers Scoreboard Staff Wri ter After trading me he didn't work for championship locked up. that I rarely had, and he'll surely toss over a decade in fo otball. He made My coaches, GM Ted Thompson the ball to the defense. Men's Baseball Just here to say that I'm still a pit-stop to coach a nonexistent and my buddies knew this joke was I'm here to stay for two more Lawrence 12 wearing my Wrangler jeans when I'm defense at Hawaii in 200 5, and he going on the whole time. seasons; the Hall of Fame will have Rice 8 on my lawn mower, and Deanna is now is the head coach at Portland I definitely see an Oscar in my to wait; sorry there Warren. I'm writing another book titled "Marriage Men's Football State University. This man's football future. Between my voicemail and going to get Jim Marshall's record of Lawrence 42 after 4-play." I thought of the idea; I career is a joke, no one respects him, my press conference, my acting skills consecutive starts. Jeff Feagles can LSU 31 thought it was pretty catchy. Do you and I don't think there's been a big­ have improved dramatically. When I only pretend he has that record ... get it? I have to rub my chin stubble ger joke in the history of the NFL. called Chris Mortensen over at ESPN, stupid punter. Women's Basketball on that one! Lawrence 79 As you all know, I relish in the I was so glad I got his voicemail, And I'll have at least one more Tennessee 78 I've always been a jokester. I aftermath of pulling pranks on team­ because Deanna and I couldn't stop crack at the Super Bowl for you remember showing up at Holmgrens' mates, coaches, media and some­ laughing and adding different things fans who have stood by me through Men's Basketball doorstep for Halloween one year and times Deanna. One group I have to say while I was being recorded. my rehabilitation, the death of my Lawrence 88 just giving Mike hell about wanting never attempted to prank is the fans I just want to apologize to every­ father, and the return to my youthful North Carolina 79 some candy because it had somehow of the Green Bay Packers. In light one out there who may have fallen joy. I'm sorry I put you through all of all disappeared. He was getting so Women's Soccer of that fact, I'm announcing that I into depression over my brief "retire­ this, but it would be worse for you to Lawrence 4 annoyed with these boys dressed as have pulled off what will be forever ment." I thought it'd be an excellent go through another season without Florida State 1 Packers, and when we pulled off the known as the best April Fool's Day time to take a break and watch some a Super Bowl, and that's what I'm masks, I couldn't have been laughing prank ever. college basketball, commend Kenny here to do. Men's Soccer harder. Lawrence 2 I had absolutely no intention of Mayne on his uncovering of my See you soon! UC-Santa Barbara 0 There have been so many over retiring! I just had one of my best method to withstand the Wisconsin #4 the years that I have constant sur­ seasons in the last decade! cold --Aaron Rodgers made an excel­ P.S. Meet you at Chmura's for the Statistics are courtesy of veillance at my locker in case anyone I would be crazy to walk away lent appearance -- and supervise draft party! wants to retaliate. Also, I used to www.lawrence.edu and fr om my receiving corps, my improv­ my daughter over spring break. I'll P.P.S. Tom Crean, you just turned www.midwestconference. impersonate Kei th Jackson to Keith ing backfield, our defense, and spe­ definitely attemp t to make it up to Wisconsin against you! Jackson -- things about how he used org and are current as of cial teams. I have Greg Jenning~ everyone throughout the course of April 1, 2008 to be good, but now he is just getting coming into his own, Donald Driver the season and playoffs. by on his name and people just wish still going over the middle, James Aaron, I'm sorry but you have he would walk. Jones showing he's capable when to head back to that bench for There's a difference between a holding on the ball, Donald Lee prov­ another couple years. I know you Fencers challenged jokester and a joke, that's for sure. ing he can catch underhand tosses in can play, but I still have it left in me. my own business," he is quoted Jerry Glanville is a prime example; the snow, running backs with some If you wish to start somewhere in Emily T. Staff \X 'ritcr as saying. "Now get away from me he's a joke. He traded me after I promise, and a kicker who led the the league, I think there are about a threw four passes in the NFL. Are with those microphones, or you will NFL in points -- and somehow didn't dozen teams looking for a starting The LU fencing team was hop­ become extremely familiar with my you kidding me? Hell, my first career make the Pro Bowl. QB -- sorry Alex Smith. pass attempt went for a touchdown; ing for a nice quiet spring term to blade." Although our schedule appears Also, I'm not letting that whiny recuperate from their tiring tourna­ Will this mysterious man, obvi­ you would've thought he knew I was to be semi-difficult -- six games quarterback over in Indianapolis destined for a superb career. ment season. But, alas! No such luck ously a master of the art of innu­ against playoff teams -- we play in touch any of my records. He may for our favorite swordsmen/women, endo, also be a master of the sword? Maybe he didn't approve of that the NFC North! Vikings and Lions put on a helluva skit on SNL, but touchdown going on the scoreboard who -- in their entirety -- were offi­ Can he truly survive the human and Bears, oh my? Not a chance. As if he wants my touchdowns, yards, cially challenged to a duel. barrage that is Nils "Thor" Schaede, for the opponent. But, I suppose a long as Adrian Peterson continues starts, completions, and wins, he'll high draft pick is hard to turn down The contender, a mysterious man or the expert timing of the foil team? his excellent portrayal of Samuel have to hope his career doesn't wind with six fingers on his left hand and Can he defend against the fierce -- just ask the Redskins. This is the Jackson in "Unbreakable," "Wrecks" down like that of his dad, Archie. If same guy who left ticke ts at will-call a penchant for creepy mustaches, concentration of Elise "two-meters" Grossman plays like we know he he wants my interception record, has not yet revealed his motives. Pfaltzgraff? The world waits with for Elvis Presley and drove cars simi­ can, and Matt Millen is still running just put him on a grass fi eld, a big lar to those of James Dean. "What I do, and with whom, is bated breath. Beeman' s coaching reassignments become effective immediately Emily J. has taken on a huge new position as worrying that she might get pegged It has been decided that former Beeman would like to extend his St aff \\'ntcr head hockey coach. She is happy to for high-sticking. men's basketball coach Joel DePagter thanks to all of the athletes for their lend her left-handed hockey skills to Lastly, assistant football coach is way too damn successful. patience and understanding during After much debate, Athletic the team. She is a little concerned Matt Kehrein has been reassigned to Mary Jo remains our faithful these changes. Director Bob Beeman has taken the about her softball swing, however, head the men's basketball program. cheerleader. initiative and rearranged the coach­ ing staff. Effective immediately, many of the coaches have upgraded to new head coaching positions. Former women's basketball head coach Michelle Walsh is now the new baseball coach. She is very excited about this new opportunity. Having previously played and coached golf, she thinks that she can transfer her golf swing into a baseball swing and lead our Viking baseball team to vic­ tory this season. Matt Schoultz, former head volleyball coach, has taken on the responsibili ty of the softball coach. He really likes the pink bats and cute helmets that the girls get to wear and thinks that they might make a good new look for himself. Coach Jen Jacobsen has trans­ ferred from the head cross country and track coach to the new football coach. She feels like some female presence on the football field will be a new addition to the sport, making the football players a little more sen­ sitive. She hopes that her presence will alleviate some of the tension and aggression on the field. Newly hired baseball coach Mike Barthelmess has found his position quickly changed. He has been moved to the head track coach position. He is quite knowledgeable about the sport and really enjoys throwing the baton. \ssistant Athletic Director and fom1er softball head coach !Jm Tatro THE LAWRENTIAN

TUESDAY, APRIL I, 2008 COREY LEHNARD 11 Urban disc team wins Athletes of the Week: Seabass and Joey '08 Emily D. but it beats third place, and the Biloxi Staff Writer tournament is really just preparation for the bigger tournaments later in Urban Disc Over spring break, the Lawrence the season in Chicago, Boston, and EmilyH. urban disc team kicked off its annu­ New York City, where the annual Sraff \X'nrcr al opening tournament in Biloxi, championships are held." Mississippi. The team of six bussed For those of you who are not 1. What are your discs of choice? down to the southern Mecca to familiar with the up-and-coming S: Well, I like to use the 168-gram Champion Beast, but when it's engage in a tournament that few D­ sport of Urban Disc, it is basically windy, I prefer the 174-gram Champion Eagle. III teams were invited to. Frisbee golf, played in an urban J: I use the 169-gram Pro Beast Distance Driver, rain or shine. Star players Joey Sluhoski, setting. Instead of flag poles in the 2. What are some key elements to throwing the perfect disc? Brent Nathan and Sebastian Specks grass, light posts in the streets are S: Obviously, the release is key. all placed in the top ten scorers used as holes, for a much longer J: And rhe follow-through. throwing six above par as a group. and more intricate course. The sport S: You also need to make sure you get the solid snapping sound at Andy Bremberger, T.J. Frett and Ben was invented by a New Zealander, the end. Konetske were solid performers in Jermaine Pendrick, about 10 years J: And also a good golf hat. the tournament, securing a trophy ago, and it has been sweeping across 3. Given the harsh Wisconsin winters, what do you do to get in for the team to bring back to cam­ North America for the last five shape for the season? pus. They took second behind the years. J: Well, I do a lot of swimming. And a little yoga. Mudcats of Biloxi U. For those who are talented at S: Yogalates, a mixture of yoga and pilates, treadmill battles, and gun When senior captain Sebastian Frisbee golf, and have the time to workouts. Oh, and I practice cutting up a lot of T-shirts for the season. Specks was asked about his perfor­ travel this term, they can join the We also both juice a lot ... helps to build the competitive edge. mance and the second-place finish team by calling (630) 290-3046. 4. Do you have set practices? of the team he replied, ''I'm pleased Senior captains Sluhoski and Specks J: We generally play three or"four times a week. That's enough practice with the output that we got from our are looking for new talent to take to for us. guys, second place is not first place, the Chicago tournament April 20. S: Sometimes, I will just go over to Alex Gym and throw for hours. J: I often p ltt in the hallways. 5. How do you maintain a team mentality while playing an individual sport? J: We don't have a team mentality. Women's Hockey Wins S: It's not a•1out teamwork. It's about numero uno. We just combine our scores to gd the lowest score for our high national ranking as a duo. 6. If you could throw anything but a disc for a round, what would National Championship it be and why? J: A baseball because D. Mac did it once and it was cool. Emily F. eat the plant, honestly, people think S: Doris Killi because it would be about as easy as throwing a disc. Staff Writer before they eat." J: Although, why would we want to throw anything but a disc? The game was defined by the 7. Do you have a home course? Over spring break the women's seven fights that occurred, includ­ J: We surely do! It's right here on campus and it's 11 holes. hockey team traveled to Plattsburgh, ing a memorable battle between S: Yeah, we made it freshman year and it's pretty cool. New York to compete in the women's assistant coach Patrick Greeley and 8. Who are some frequent competitors? 0-III frozen four. The first game to assistant coach Ted Greeley over S: Well we have Greg.Sydow, Vince Butitta, D-Bar when he's in town, Jimmy K ... be played was against Lawrence's whether they should have Pepperoni J: It's a lot of people that no one knows. They are our secret competitors. But we are always looking for more! archrival Plattsburgh. or Sausage Pizza after the game. S: Yeah, it really sucks being the best at what we do all the time. Plattsburgh, in front of a home Chris Lawson stepped in and J: We can beat any duo this campus has to offer. Any person who can outdrive me, I'll give a free disc. But that's crowd and holding onto their three declared ham to be the meat of only for the first person who does it ... consecutive national titles, seemed choice, and the conflagration ended 9. How did you guys get your start? to be in control before the game had with all three coaches being escorted S: Well, it all started in Rochester where we frequently played regular disc. Then we played night disc, but it was begun. Lawrence had miraculously off the premises. in downtown Rochester ... the bad parts, naturally. So that's how the game got started. Then we brought it here, beaten a number of teams to get into Leila Sahar was told the Yikes to a new state. the tournament; it is unclear which would forfeit unless a coach was J: It should also be known that in the rough streets of Rochester, Minn. we had to frequently chase down people teams they played due to poor ESPN found and Sahar called to the team's who were trying to steal our discs. coverage and my antennas' inability tutor in the stands to come down 10. What is your one goal this season? to get ESPNU. and act as coach. The tutor shouted J: We really want other people to pick up this great sport. We are pushing for fewer ultimate Frisbee-ers and more Plattsburgh got out to a seven­ at the ref, "What? Are we waiting Frisbee golfers. goal lead in the first period, when for the ice to freeze?" and the game S: I'd like to see us get some LUCC funding to put up tee and hole markers. Lawrence got their first shot on goal. began again. J: Oh yeah, that would be great. And, I mean, a documentary about us would be pretty sweet ... Senior captain, Leila Sahar, com­ After the third period the score Be on the look-out for Seabass and Joey tossing discs around campus. If you wish, join them! Otherwise, just watch mented later, "That was a big morale was still at zero, as Lawrence had your head because sometimes the discs get a little wild ... booster, I mean Plattsburgh was pret­ been unable to get the puck past ty intimidating and getting one shot the defenseman Manhattanville had in the first period really boosted us dressed up as a goaltender. for the next two to come." In the seven subsequent over­ The second period seemed to times, the teams battled but no Athlete of the Week: Leila Sahar '08 be heading the same way until head team got an edge until six of the coach Chris Lawson began swearing Manhattanville players collapsed Women's Hockey at the refs about steroids and HGH. on the ice from exhaustion, Caitlin Lawson evidently had been given an McIntyre had her wisdom teeth fall Emily M. inside tip that Plattsburgh was juic­ out, and Susan Chadwick threw her Staff Writer ing on the bench during the game. Or stick at three unruly fans, who close­ maybe he just looked to his left. ly resembled the coaches, only now 1. How does it feel to know that the Yikes are D-m National At any rate, Plattsburgh was in flannel shirts, denim overalls, sail­ Champions? immediately disqualified and the ors caps and referring to each other I am really thrilled. You know we worked so hard and always Yikes advanced to the final, end­ as cousin Darryl. hoped that it would happen but never really thought it would. ing Plattsburgh's hope of another The game was declared a draw It still hasn't really hit me, very surreal feeling. I mean only one, national championship. After being and for the first time in NCAA or in this case two teams, can say, "We have the best team in mauled by Plattsburgh fans after the Women's D-III modern college hock­ the country." game, Lawson commented through ey history, a national co-champion 2. How has yo1 tr perception of the coaching staff changed a bloody lip, "Had to do it, this is a was declared. After the game Erika since seeing them get kicked out of the rink, in the pure sport and we don't need any of Thiede, the lone Lawrence shooter, Championship game? the hoopla like baseball," threw her national championship My r,erception really hasn't changed that much; you could see Lawson then took a stick and medal off a bridge because she that they v.ere just trying to motivate us. We weren't playing slashed the Plattsburgh fans across believed it was made by Wal-Mart, very well and they thought by fighting they would get us going, even if it was fighting over pizza toppings. Just the face as hard as possible. and Emma Nager pawned it for a shows how dedicated they are to the unity of the team, and I am glad that we could pull through and win in spite The National Championship sweet bandanna. A pep rally was of them. game was played the next day planned to be held April 1, but due 3. What do you attribute the win to? with the Yikes taking on the to low publicity is was canceled and Superiority. We were just better: better players, better coaches, better jerseys and better fans. You know if you hated Manhattanville somethings. the team went and . watched "Slap work hard the bounces go your way and we ended up with a lot of lucky bounces to put us in a situation to win Manhattanville had lost their seven Shot." the game, so we must have been working hard. The fact that we have no qualms about cheating really helped us best players and three goaltenders Sue Spang commented after out. God also had a hand in it. to a serious flu-like disease that was watching the movie, "That was the 4. What are you going to do now? later found to be induced by a small worst movie I have ever viewed and I Well I am going to try and make it in the NHL, people have always told me that it isn't possible for a woman to poisonous plant found only in and will never play hockey again because play for the Montreal Canadiens, but I believe. I will be going to their invite camp in August. I wasn't invited but I around the Fox Valley. of it." Congratulations to the Yikes can get around it, and I am going to see where it goes from there. So what if the average NHLer is 6'1" and jacked, When foul-play was cried, head on this outstanding achievement. I will just duck. coach Lawson commented, "It's not 5. If you could have dinner with anyone, who would it be and why? my fault they are stupid enough to Maggie Helms because she is dreamy. THE LAWRENTIAN

12 HANGING OUT TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2008 What'§ on your ifqd?: Steven Wulf ___,/Q

1. "A Nigga Wina Gun," Dr. Dre guests on this track and gets the last away from another racist encounter where I was when ODB died. It was Editor-In-Chief: Emily Lehnert Aw, hell yeah, kickin' things off verse. I've been a big fan of Tribe for with me. a Saturday and I was watching "Back with some Chronic. The Chronic has a long time. Phife and Q-Tip are just to the Future ID" on TNT when I got Managing Editor: to be my favorite album of all time. silky smooth and always a pleasure 6. 'This Is Why I'm Hot," Mims a phone call. It was Bill (Hixon) and Emily Alinder It was releasedl5 years ago but it's to hear. Sometimes after a long day OK, now I know that this is not he asked me if I had heard the news. still as raw as ever. Basically, if you of giving C's to decent papers, when a great song. Mims is just another I was, like, "No," and he was like, News Editor: ain't down with it, you ain't down I need to unwind, I play some Tribe generic ring-tone rapper with pretty "ODB just died." I think a little piece Emily Gonzalez with Hip Hop. and am always relaxed. You can't bad flow and nothing to say. But of me died too, and I remember the listen to gangsta all the time. the song is pretty catchy, and if you moment every time I pour some out Associate News Editor: Emily Wilson 2. "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes ever are playing music for a party for him. Could See," Busta Rhymes 4. "Juicy," Travis Fondow you have to have that ring-tone shit Features Editor: Busta is also fuckin' raw as hell. This is a pretty good cover of the on your iPod. Everybody knows that 9. "Bitches Ain't Shit," Dr. Dre Emily Mccallum He might not be as fast as Twista, Biggie song. Travis is pretty young, shorties love to get down to it. Hahaha, I'm glad that The but in my opinion he is lyrically but has some good chops. Look out Chronic got on here twice. I know Opinions & Editorials Editor: more dever and has a biting sense for him. 7. "Holidae In," Chingy that the Ben Folds cover is pretty Emily Passey of humor, and I would rather listen Anytime you got Chingy, Snoop, popular, but I feel like he's just to him any day of the week. More 5. "Fuck tha Police," N.W.A. and Luda on the san1e track, you making fun Hip Hop culture. I made Associate Op/Ed Editor: Emily Wickens emcees need to take a look at Busta Fuck the police indeed, man. I know it's gonna be off the hook. a mistake by not capping that white Rhymes and get some lessons in can't stand the cops in Appleton. Have you guys seen the music video little son of a bitch when he came Arts & Entertainment Editor: what it means to be a hard-ass rap­ They're always harassing people for for this? It's crazy, man, you gotta here 4 or 5 years ago. Emily Schaaf per. Too many pussies are clutching no reason, especially if they're on YouTube it. the mike these days. a bike. It's sort of like bike racism, 10. "For Emma," Bon Iver Sports Co-Editors: a new kind of prejudiced profiling. 8. "Got Your Money," 01' Dirty Oh man, how did this get in Emily Nadel 3. "Scenario," A Ti;ibe Called Quest All I gots to say is that these police­ Bastard. here? This is kind of embarrassing. Emily Greeley Ohhh man, speaking of Busta. He men are lucky every time they walk Sad times. I still remember Photo Editor: Emily Cox

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