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NEWS OP/ED A&E SPORTS We're the only section you News is Boring. We're where Who cares about boring politi­ We all know that we're the need to read. the substance is. cal shit? We're the fun section. only section you read. » page 3.1415 >> page 69 >> page 2008 >> page 3-1 VOL . CXXV, No. 17 LAWRENCE UNIVERSI1Y 1S STUDENT NEWSPAPER SINCE 1884 WWW.LAWRENTIAN.COM MyFashionDecision.org planned for 2008-09 Emily E. Provost Burrows, one of the school year, so will MFD.org become of questions to determine which "There are three types of students Staff \\'nrcr executive producers of the content the theme of next year. President identity most suits them, and will be on this campus: Model 1 Fashionistas, of MFD.org, was quoted as remark­ Beck will be offering two terms of offered suggestions of further read­ Model 2 Showers Frequently and In response to the overwhelming­ ing, "This year's election has cre­ her seminar for a select stylish few, ing in order to educate themselves Model 3 Lazy Bitches. If 80% of the ly positive student response to both ated a great deal of tension, and has generating serious class discussions on their chosen styles. student body has the means to be a MyE!ectionDecision.org and the witty served to raise student's awareness on the issues at hand and holding MFD.org is designed to allow Model 1 Fashionista, then we need and astute "Style, More Style" col­ of the importance of fashion. Mrs. forums across campus in order to students to interact with their style to strive for 80% of campus to be umn in this newspaper, the admin­ Clinton's suits are only the tip of the spread the word of fashion. choices in order to become more fashionistas." istration today announced its inten· iceberg." MFD.org will be modeled after stylistically active. President Beck The possibilities of adding style tion to launch MyFashionDecision. Although fashion has nothing MED.org, offering five key "styles" cited young people's relative sty­ in more areas of the university, org ·· just in time for the 2008-2009 to do with politics, the announce­ instead of "issues." The style choices listic apathy as a growing concern especially in the most unfashionable school year. ment comes as a great relief to most were taken from a recent Voyager in our world, and one of her cen­ areas such as freshman studies and "We just felt that it was an Lawrence students who are typically survey of all students, in which tral reasons for implementing this the reference section of the library, appropriate move for the the future too busy on the Internet to be con­ the campus was divided into the tool. "Students need to become more are being discussed, and will be of both Lawrence and the world," cerned with what they are wearing. five groups: Hipster, Greek, Anime, aware of the style world that sur­ further pondered in the President's President Jill Beck said in a mass e­ Just as MED.org has been func­ Connie, and Brain. rounds them, in order to become Seminar classes next year. mail sent out earlier this week. tioning as the central focus of this Students will be asked a series attractive citizens." In Attetnpt to Spark Political Goldgar silenced Activity, Adtninistration Deletes by Gender Studies Facebook; Hundreds Protest on Emily i. to a strange mix of mourning and Staff Writer Celebration throughout the Campus. Soon after the Battle of the Land Main Hall Green Events of fantastic propor­ Bridge, mysterious changes swept tions unfolded recently at Lawrence through the English department. Emily 0. "I feel like there's a University. Professor Bertrand Most drastic was the elimination of Staff \X'ritcr piece of me that's Goldgar met an untimely end while all works wrinen before the 20th missing. I've finally protecting a fellowship of English century (excluding the Romantic The administration has pulled come to understand majors from the Gender Studies period) from syllabi around the the boldest move of their year-long my grandfather who department. Upset about Goldgar's department. While the vast majority effort to engage more Lawrentians lost both legs in insinuations regarding their academ­ of unsophisticated English majors in political activity as they delet­ WWII." ic validity, members of said depart­ were unfazed by these changes, a ed Lawrence University's Facebook Ben Ott may have ment decided to pursue him and select few, led by the stalwart fel­ network which included the 15,000 been the most affect­ put an end to the muckraking once lowship, grew increasingly troubled. separate individual profiles. ed by the move, "I and for all. The chase started in the They detected a dark storm brewing Jill Beck explained that while save all my homework Grill, Goldgar's usual haunt, where it on the horizon. Indeed, the situation response for the MyElectionDecision. in Facebook messages quickly moved outside and toward was about to escalate. During these org and the Andrew Sullivan convo­ to myself," explained the unfinished land bridge. Skyler increasingly dark times, these select cation has been "incredibly positive, the junior Spanish Silvertrust, one of the fell owship, few took to wandering campus, cop­ students still seem to no t take their major. reports that, "All of a sudden there ies of A Tale of a Tub clutched to roles as agents of our nation's future After the initial was a huge ROAR and Goldgar got their breasts. On Tuesday afternoon, as serious as they needed. Too many shock of not having all rigid and was like, 'This foe is three such students were walking students remain comfortable not any excuse to avoid beyond any of you.' And then we across Main Hall green, lamenting participating in the nation's demo­ one's homework was just started running." the current state of their beloved cratic process. overcome, the stu· Scared for their lives, the stu­ English department when they were "This is not entirely their fault see­ dents held mass pro­ dents ran across the land bridge. tests on Main Hall ing as modem students are barraged The situation was about to escalate, See Goldgar on page 3 with fun distractions. Why· would a Green. however. The Gender student research Guantanamo Bay Nancy Truesdell, Studies department when they could sit on Facebook and Dean of Students, Pho,o by Jen Cox had conjured from the play Jetman all day? I mean, I love responded to a An expected 275 1.awrcntians showed up fo r the mass demonsrartion. depths a gigantic fire· Lawrentian inter- Students carried a variety of signs tha t read, "Facebook = Freedom," playing Jetman and personally know spouting vagina-the its addictive qualities." view, confiding that, ::;;u(~:';:;~c'~:r~·~;-I:;:,~~;~~~ ~~e\:~;~~.~;~ ~=;~:;~. Forever," and Valrog. Goldgar, in "But a special committee "while we appreciate an unprecedented act appointed to address this ubiqui­ all forms of political tors, "You guys are so superficial. I of altruism, stopped tous apathy drew the conclusion activity, this is not what we expected mean, do you even know that Bush running, turned to that it's our responsibility to save or hoped for.'' suspended habeas corpus?" face the beast, and our students from themselves and The protests were peaceful, "Is that one of those applica­ brandishing his cane, eliminate such superfluous distrac­ except for a single student, who had tions?" asked a Lawrentian who was yelled, "Fuck you!" tions as Facebook." a slight altercation with security. He, just left his Freshman Studies class. Chuckling at the irony The news was met with almost along with the three members of his "Because I hate those things, except of his statement, he uniformly negative reaction among quad · who were behaving peacefully for LolCats. I love LolCats." lightly tapped the the student body. at the protest-were all suspended It should be noted that more bridge, causing it Syeed Komail Abbas , a fresh­ indefinitely without a chance to people were expected to attend, but to split in two. The man Lawrence International student defend themselves. The administra­ the protest proved incredibly dif. Valrog tumbled into from Pakistan said; "I come from a tion sent out a letter ambiguously ficult to organize since Facebook the abyss, but not country that has been run primarily explaining the situation while reas­ events were not an option. "I have before unleashing a by the military for the past decade, suring students and their family's to add two hours to my schedule fiery fallopian tube but no Pakistani could imagine such that the campus was still safe. and dragging Professor an atrocity as this." Junior Drew Baumgartner walked Goldgar along with it. Zach Patrick-Riley, junior, said, by, taunting the distressed protes- See Facebook on page 3 Goldgar's demise led WEEKEND Damp Anarchy High 97 High N/A WEATHER Low 83 Low Devastating Source: weather.com Wind: NW at 8 mph Wind: W at 40 mph THE LAWRENTIAN 2 NEWS TIIBSDAY, APRil. I, 2008 THE LAWRENTIAN TUF.5DAY, APRIL 1, 2008 RELIGION 3 Phi Delts sponsor public art intiative Social mishap causes mishap Emily N. The fraternity will sponsor indi­ advantage of this new patronage. Emily K. did by now. Staff Writer vidual artists who seek to create art Junior Andy Kincaid responded Staff Writer "I just heard, you know, this cer­ that would be publicly installed on warmly to the news. "I would love tain frat mentioned, and this certain The Phi Delta Theta frat ernity the campus. Artists can apply for to work with the Phi Delts in this Lunch in Downer A came to a girl, who was me, and her outfit, and announced its plans last week to grants that will pay for their mate­ capacity.

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