4x1 Bringing Up Baby Shorty : It's your special day, buddy. Should we put him in the trunk? Jay : Good morning! Phil : Why would we put him in the trunk? Manny : There's the birthday boy! 65 candles on Shorty : You said there were no bad ideas. one cake. This is a big day for you... and for the astronauts who can see it from space. Jay : Get this stupid thing off me! Gloria : Happy birthday to you. Phil : I thought you said the hood would calm him down. Jay : Thank you. And just so everyone knows, I want a quiet day. No surprises. Dale : It works with my falcon. Gloria : No surprises. Shorty : Don't worry, Gloria. We'll have him back in time for dinner. Manny : Which for him is at 4:00 in the Gloria : Last night, I found out that I am afternoon. pregnant, so Jay's gonna get one big surprise. Okay, two if you count the barbecue apron with Phil : 'Cause he's old! I love it! the bikini body on it. [OPENING CREDITS] Manny : I don't blame you, Jay. You'd had enough excitement in one lifetime... The dawn of Mitchell : This is really good coffee. flight, printed books, agriculture. Cameron : It really is. Jay : All right, what's with all the jokes? Mitchell : Is it a medium roast or... Manny : It's insult comedy. I've been watching old Dean Martin roasts online. Like this guy Cameron : Uh, dark. knows from the Internet. The other morning, I Mitchell : Oh. I was gonna say dark. I don't saw him looking for the crank on the front of his know why I said medium. car. Cameron : Well, you would've been right. Jay : Okay, you're done. Mitchell : Is it whole milk or... Manny : I make fun, and we laugh. But in all Cameron : 2%. seriousness, if you see a light today, don't walk Mitchell : 2%. Okay. This is ridiculous. We need towards it. to talk about the elephant in the room. Jay : I'm sorry I was asleep when you got home. Cam and Mitch must be disappointed. They were really geared up to get that kid. Cameron : The giant stuffed elephant was a gift from our good friend Pepper. Gloria : But there's a silver lining. Mitchell : Gay guys having kids is... it's Jay : You might be right. Babies are a lot of relatively new, so our community has not yet work. learned how to modulate baby gifts. Gloria : No, that's not what I mean. I'm... Cameron : When Steven and Stefan had little Jay : Ah, you know, and these two aren't getting Rocco, our friend Longinus sent over the whole any younger. The last thing they need is to start cast of "Yo gabba gabba". over. Mitchell : Now Rocco cries whenever he sees Gloria : Would that be so bad? bright colors. Phil : Hey, Jay. Cameron : I'm not allowed over there. Shorty : Hey! Dale : Hi. Mitchell : I guess we should donate it Jay : What are you doing? somewhere, along with the 800 pound gorilla. I Phil : What the heck is that? mean, you know, now that we're not getting a baby. Jay : What? Cameron : A decision, by the way, which seems Phil : Get him! even better in the light of day. Mitchell : Mm. No, I totally agree. Phil : Jay has been very explicit about what he Cameron : So we're good? wants to do for his 65th birthday, but Phil Dunphy reads between the lines. Mitchell : No, we're great. Cameron : We couldn't have handled this any better. Jay : What the hell is going on?! What are you doing?! Mitchell : No. Phil : Making your birthday dreams comes true. Lily : Where's my new baby brother? Cameron : Okay. Uh, slight oversight. Lily : Can I see him? Can we name him Larry? Manny : Wow. Cameron : Okay, sweetie. Here, have a seat Gloria : What? You're not happy? with us. Um, listen. There's something we need Manny : Yeah. Sure. It's just a lot to take in. to tell you. And I'll be honest, this isn't coming at a great Lily : Is it about Larry? time for me, with everything I've got going on. Mitchell : Well, uh, yes. Uh, sort of. Um, it... it Gloria : This is not your responsibility. turns out that... We're not getting a baby. Manny : Neither is our wooden salad bowl, but Cameron : Yeah, and I know this... this makes I'm the only one who oils it. Without me, that you very sad, but I promise you we're still a thing would soak up dressing like a sponge. family... Gloria : Manny, I can take care of a baby. I took Lily : Can I have a kitten? care of you. Cameron : A kitten? Manny : Please. I was an anomaly. I self potty Lily : If I can't have a brother, then I want a trained. I just did not get the appeal of kitten named Larry. intentionally soiling one's pants. That said, I will admit to missing the kisses on my tummy. How Mitchell : Okay, w what's this about? Is Larry did Jay take it? on a show? Gloria : I haven't been able to tell him yet. Cameron : He's not, which is what's weird. Manny : He might not be too thrilled. Gloria : Do you think? I was starting to wonder Claire : Ooh! How was prom? the same thing. Alex : So fun. Michael and I danced all night... Manny : He doesn't deal well with change. And then we stayed after and helped clean up, which was awesome because I got to meet next Gloria : I know. He still checks the front step for year's trig teacher. the evening paper. Claire : That is not the prom I remember. Manny : Don't worry, mom. I'm sure he'll adapt. Although, he still does call the remote the Haley : I have such a bad headache! "Clicker." Claire : That's the prom I remember. Were you Gloria : Ay, yeah. drinking? Haley : Mom, do we really have to do this? You ask if I was drinking, I say "No," and we both Lily : I'm bored, daddy. Make the car dance. know that that's not true. I mean, aren't we past Mitchell : All right. But just for a second, all this point in our relationship? right? Claire : No, young lady, we are not. Lily : Do it again. Haley : Then I wasn't drinking. Mitchell : No. Once was enough. Dylan : Me neither, Mrs. D. Lily : If I can't have a brother, then I want the Claire : Dear God. Tell me he did not spend the car to dance. night here. Mitchell : Wow, you are really comfortable Haley : Mom, do we really have to do this? playing that card. Hey! Cameron : They wouldn't take 'em. They were afraid they might have bedbugs. Manny : Mom, I have a big decision to make about poetry camp this summer. Mitchell : Are you serious? They rejected our donation? Gloria : Is this about the walking sticks again? Pack them all and decide when you're there. Cameron : I was so offended, I almost didn't buy this fiestaware creamer. 2 bucks. Didn't Manny : I can either focus on sonnets or free know what they had. verse. I've always fancied myself a sonneteer, But I'm thinking the free verse girls will be freer Mitchell : Ah! Score. with everything, if you catch my meaning. So what are we gonna do now? Gloria : Hmm? Ay. I'm sorry, Manny. I'm sure Lily : Get a kitten and then name it Larry. you will make the right decision. Mitchell : Lily, honey, this is hardly the day to Manny : Are you okay? You seem distracted. get a kitten, okay? Would you just tell her? Gloria : Manny, sit down. I have to tell you Cameron : I don't know. I kinda want one now. something. You know, we have been through a lot, and Manny : What? maybe the presence of a cuddly little friend will help us ease the pain. Gloria : I am pregnant. Mitchell : Okay, so what you're saying is, you Manny : You're what? have a child shaped hole in your heart, and Gloria : I'm going to have a baby. your plan is to cram a cat into there? Cameron : He has a name. Claire : You are in no position to be asking for favors, young lady. Here. Drink this. It's for your hangover. Phil : I can't wait till your eyes adjust to the light, and we see the look on your face. Haley : Ugh. It smells gross. Jay : I hate you guys. Claire : Well, then you better drink it fast. Shorty : Hey, Phil, you ever think about growing Haley : Ew! I'm gonna throw up! Ugh! Ugh! a beard? I mean, you got the face for it. Alex : That's a hangover cure? Phil : You think? Claire : No. Shorty : Yeah. Phil : That's funny. I always thought so, but my Jay : Well, this is probably shot. wife doesn't. Phil : Once again, I'd like to apologize for Shorty : Oh, what does she know? Come on, punching you in the head. It really was the only you got a great nose, those deep set eyes. I way to save you since you were bound and... mean, you would look good. hooded, which leads me to my second apology. Phil : Thanks, Shorty. Shorty : Gentlemen, come on. As my uncle used Shorty : It's, uh, sort of a Jon Hamm in to say, let's not let a botched kidnapping ruin between projects. our whole afternoon. Jay : Okay, put me back in the trunk. Dale : He's right. The whole point of this is for you to enjoy the lake with your three best Dale : Relax, you're almost there. friends. Jay : Nope, I'm done now! Jay : Stan coming? Phil : Hey, Jay, no! Phil : Burn! Shorty : No! No! No! Hey! Dale : So... 65, huh? You're heading into the Phil : Jay! Jay! best years of your life. Jay : Son of a bitch! Somebody help me! Shorty : That's right. You put in the work. You Shorty : I would, but... but these pants are climbed the mount in. Now it's time to reap the cashmere! rewards. Phil : I got you, Jay! Jay : I guess you're right. Shorty : You gotta calm him down! Punch him Phil : Sounds pretty good to me. in the head! Shorty : You know, the more I look at you, the Dale : Don't punch him in the head! angrier I get that you don't got a beard. Phil : Don't make me punch you! I will punch Phil : I had a soul patch once. you to save you! Shorty : A soul patch? That's like a beard's crap. Jay : I think I'm being waterboarded. Dale : I golfed six times last week. Found 42 Phil : You're making me do this! balls... a new record. I don't think my falcon Jay : Get this thing off me! could have found that many, And he can spot a mouse at 600 yards. Phil : Happy birthday. We're taking you fishing. Shorty : Whats that have to do with beards? Dale : I thought we were talking about Jay Haley : For whatever it's worth, Dylan was very turning 65 and how good that's gonna be. responsible last night. He's a good guy to have around the house. Shorty : That's right. It's gonna be great, Jay. I'm telling ya. I got a vegetable garden. Two Claire : Mm. Where we going with this? years ago, it was a patch of dirt in my backyard. Haley : Well, since I can't move in with him Now I got tomatoes, I got five kinds of beans, I anymore, he can't afford his apartment. So I was got squash. And between you and me, I'm even wondering if it would be okay if he could stay thinking about pickling my own cucumbers. with us for a couple weeks? Jay : Why would that be between you and me? Claire : Sure. Oh, you know what? Why don't Shorty : Because there's a finite number of you guys take our room? pickles. But don't worry. All you guys are on the Alex : She's being facetious. Sarcastic. Dylan no list. stay. Phil : Well, I'd like to make a toast. To Jay, Haley : What?! Oh, come on! He helps out a lot. who's not particularly buoyant. And again, I'm He is very handy. very sorry about that. But he's the best father Alex : Really? The guy who locked himself in his in law a guy could ask for. car? Jay : All right. Phil : And we're... we're all really lucky to know Luke : You're used to being the only kid in the him. Cheers. house. Now there's gonna be a new kid. Jay's Dale : Here, here. kid. Shorty : Salud. Manny : So? Jay : Thanks, guys. You know what? It is kinda Luke : Well, the old Manny would've been nice being out here with all of ya. Hey, let's do worried that Jay would love the new kid more. some fishing. I'm starting to feel better now that Manny : I think you're underestimating how I'm finally getting dry. adorable I am. Phil : Let's do this! Luke : You're right. You're way cuter than a Dale : Let's go! baby. I'm gonna go check on dinner. Shorty : All right! Luke : Sometimes I just like to toss a grenade and run away. Claire : Sure. You know, I had a little peppermints schnapps at my prom, but I hid it from my parents and I kicked my boyfriend out Mitchell : All right, take a whiff. Make sure you before they woke up. It's called respect. like it, 'cause that's what our couch is gonna Gloria : I'm pregnant. smell like. Claire : You're gonna get fat. You... oh! I mean... Cameron : Okay, hi. Yes, we're gonna take this That's great. It's great! You're pregnant! It's one. great! Congratulations! Clerk : Oh, I'm gonna need you to slow down a Gloria : It was a surprise. bit. There's a process we need to go through to see if you're a suitable cat guardian. Claire : Yeah, I'll bet. What did my dad say? Cameron : Oh, really? Because I thought the Gloria : I haven't told him yet. I worry that he's process was, I say, "We'll take this one." And going to think it's not such great news. then you say, "Thank God because we have too Claire : Ohh, no. Don't be silly. He's gonna be many cats." thrilled. Clerk : No. We need to ensure these cats are going to good homes. That's why we need you to Claire : I knew he wasn't gonna be thrilled. And fill out this form, and then there'll be a site visit. if history was any indication, he wasn't gonna Mitchell : Okay, um, we've just been through a be able to hide it. very frustrating year trying to adopt a baby, so... You'll forgive us if we're not really in the mood to Cameron : It's a French Canadian delicacy jump through too many hoops for a cat. called poutine. Clerk : Oh. Why wouldn't they give you a baby? Jay : Mm. Well, it looks like vomit, so I'm not Cameron : It's complicated. pou ting it in my mouth. Clerk : So are cats. Mitchell : Are they? 'cause that one over there Gloria : We're here! has been licking itself ever since we got here. Jay : What'd you do to your hair? Okay, you know what? I'm... I can't do this. Claire : I thought I'd try something different. Lily : What about Larry? Jay : What, looking old? Mitchell : I'm sorry, Lily. Not today. Claire : I had to get to dad before he said Cameron : Mitchell stormed off, but I couldn't. I something insensitive to Gloria. But she is had to give her a piece of my mind. gonna get really fat, though. Mitchell : And how'd that go? Cameron : I may have strayed off topic just a bit. Claire : Dad, call me back. I have something very important to tell you so when you get home Clerk : No, sir! you don't say something stupid like you usually Cameron : No, she will always be Norma Jeane do. Oh, happy birthday. Baker to me. Clerk : What is your point, exactly? Luke : Yeah. I've gotta say, you're handling this Cameron : That like the thrice married starlet, baby thing better than I would've expected. this cat is being deprived a stable home. Manny : What do you mean? Clerk : I'm sorry if you're upset. Cameron : You're the one who should be upset, ma'am. We are animals lovers. That cat would've been on the receiving end of affection 24 hours a Cameron : Perfectly innocent. They're not even day. Satisfying its every need would've been our touching. top priority. Okay, in light of that tableau, I Mitchell : Great. Okay. Let's go. would like to take back the phrase "receiving Cameron : All right. end." Mitchell : You ready, honey? Manny : Mom, I've decided I'm not going to poetry camp. Haley : Go. Go. Gloria : What? Why not? Dylan : Hey, Mrs. Dunphy? I heard about what Manny : 'Cause by the time I come back, Jay Haley asked you, and just so you know, I never wanted to put you in that position. I'll be fine. will have turned my room into a nursery. Claire : That's good to know. Gloria : No, he won't. Dylan : My cousin Dylan said I could stay at his Manny : I'm not his real kid. I'll be as house. Well, not really at his house. More like insignificant as a whisper in a windstorm. behind it... in the garage. Gloria : Oh, listen to you. You have a gift. You have to go to the poetry camp. Claire : Okay. Dylan : Well, actually, there are no walls, So it's Manny : I don't think I can risk it. more of a porte cochere. Gloria : Manny, please. I have too much to worry about right now. Okay? Claire : Fancy. Dylan : Anyway, I'll be sleeping in it. It's got a Manny : You? I dug a pretty big hole for myself bathroom. More of a half bath. It's a coffee can. with those insult jokes this morning. Why didn't I learn from Rickles? You gotta end with some Claire : Ohh. ticker. Dylan : Anyway, I'll be fine once I find a nice tent to protect me from the coyotes. Cameron : Okay, I give up. I can't find a Claire : Well, be sure to hang your food up high. position that's not sexual. Phil : We're back! Birthday boy's here! Mitchell : Just calm down. Manny : Hey, Jay, you're all wrinkled. Cameron : I can't calm down. You know, maybe Jay : Yeah, yeah, I'm old. I get it. we're not as okay as we keep saying we are. Manny : No, I mean your clothes. Mitchell : I know. Jay : Yeah, when I was your age, I was wearing Cameron : Maybe we should go away. You know, animal skins. Bam! You got me. go someplace to heal. Manny : I think, bam! You got yourself. I'm just Mitchell : Where? expressing concern. Cameron : Well, someplace with a vibrant Jay : Let me guess... about my bone density. theater scene... Top notch restaurants... The You know, you're a real smart ass. jewel of Missouri's white river. Manny : At this rate, I'll be living in the Mitchell : We're not going to Branson. basement. Cameron : Okay, fine. Where would you go? Dylan : Lucky. Mitchell : I don't know. Maybe Europe? London? Claire : Dad? Dad, okay, quick. Just come here Just somewhere far away. I'm just sad, Cam. one second. I gotta tell you something. Cameron : I am, too. You know, I had our Somebody is about to tell you some very mornings all planned out. The baby and I would important news. And for the first time in your walk Lily to kindergarten and then cut back life, I need you to react nicely. home through the park and feed those ducks Jay : I always react nicely. that you're not supposed to feed but everybody Claire : You never do. And this person in does. question is very vulnerable right now. So could Mitchell : I bought a picture frame for my desk, you please just be loving and supportive? and it's just sitting there, waiting for his face. Mitchell : Happy birthday, dad! Cameron : Come here. Jay : Oh, thank you. Mitchell : I already feel better. Cameron : Sorry we're late, but it's for a good Cameron : Me, too. See what the power of a hug reason. We're thinking about getting a cat. can do? Just saved us a long plane ride with a Jay : Well, isn't that wonderful? I'm thrilled for toddler. you both. This is a heck of a decision. You have Mitchell : And a cat that we didn't want. my full support. Cameron : Oh, we're still getting that. Mitchell : Okay. Mitchell : All right, how does this look? Jay : I think it'll be a perfect addition to the Luke : Not for long. family. I know I'll love the heck out of the little Cameron : Isn't it absolutely brilliant? bugger. I'm just hoping that little one over there Mitchell ! Okay, we were in London two weeks. doesn't get jealous. Lose the accent, Madonna. Manny : Oh, this little one will be just fine now Alex : Why is your face all scratched up? that he knows where he stands... in the shadow of your new baby! Mitchell : Stupid Larry. Jay : What's he talking about? Haley : This feels so weird. Gloria : He's talking about I am pregnant. Dylan : It suits you. Mitchell : Oh, come on! Claire : Don't even joke about it. That's it. He is moving out of the house tomorrow. Cameron : Pregnant?! Phil : Really? Jay : You gotta be kidding me! Claire : Oh, and that beard is going. Luke : Oh, gross. I didn't know grandpa could still do it. Phil : Fine, but it's gonna kill Shorty. Phil : Don't be disrespectful, Luke. Anyone Gloria : Okay, everybody, let's gather together. could do it with Gloria. Manny's gonna read us a little something that he prepare in his poetry camp. Gloria : And if you're too set in your old ways to be happy about it, I can raise it on my own. I Manny : Thank you, mom. This is for my new have done it before, and I can do it now! I come baby brother or sister. "Welcome, little one. from a very long line of strong Latin women Open your eyes and take your place. This is whose husbands are nowhere to be found! where you're meant to be, Nestled in the bosom of your mother." Jay : Are you done? Phil : Lucky baby. Gloria : Yes! Claire : What? Jay : Can I say something? Phil : Love you, baby. Gloria : Go on! Manny : "This is where you're meant to be, in Jay : That's the greatest news I've ever heard. the arms of your father. His long, long journey Gloria : It is? has readied him for this day, though his skin Jay : I spent the day hearing what my future may be loose, his hair but a wisp, and his eyes had in store for me, and I didn't like one bit of it. milky with age," It felt like my life was ending. And now you're Jay : All right, we're done here. Get a drink. telling me that I get to have a new start... with the woman of my dreams. I think I'm gonna cry. Dylan : Don't feel bad about making move out, Cameron : I'm way ahead of you. Can you Mrs. D. I knew this day would come eventually, believe this? and I'm totally covered. Mitchell : I know. They wouldn't even let us get Claire : Great. So we'll see you around. a cat. Dylan : I got a place with an old friend of mine. Jay : It's gonna be great! Well, not so much of a place as a storage pod. Gloria : I'm gonna get so fat! And not so much of a... friend as a raccoon. Jay : Mostly great. Claire : Good to know you'll have company. Dylan : I call him bubbles because his mouth is [Several weeks later...] all foamy. Claire : Dylan, I'm on to your little game. I know Luke : Oh, gross. They're at it again. none of this is true. You just try to guilt me into I letting you stay. Jay : If you don't like it, don't look. Dylan : You're right, I'm sorry. I'll just live in my Phil : She looks great, doesn't she? car. Think I can borrow a coat hanger in case I Claire : Yeah. Not really gaining weight the way get lock in there again. I would've expected. Claire : God. Phil : I finally understand why people say Phil : What's going on? pregnant women glow. Claire : No, no no. All of it. Claire : Phil, I have had three children. Phil : Sure you don't wanna dance with the Mitchell : Hey, dad, Gloria, open our present. devil before I get rid of it. Gloria : Ooh! I hope it's something fancy. It's for Claire : Go. the baby. I love it! Phil : Fine. Cameron : We got it in a shop at Heathrow, duty free. 4x2 Schooled Jay : Why look at me? It was their mother's fault. I was barely around. Phil : If I get just, everybody's attention... Real quick. Um, on this wonderful occasion... our Mitchell : No! Ow, ow! daughter leaving tomorrow for college... If I could get everyone to raise their glass as I quote [OPENING CREDITS] from one of our nation's great fathers... Jefferson. George Jefferson. "I never dreamed that one of my own would be going off to a Phil : Haley, this is, like, the third bag of university, but here I stand, a proud black man, makeup and hair care products. knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry Haley : Dad, if you want me to get good grades, cleaner..." I have to look cute. Don't say a word. Claire : Phil. Alex : No. No. I agree with that premise. Phil : Not now, weezie. Where was I? Haley : Thank you. Wait. Yeah, thank you. Haley : Quoting that president. Phil : Claire. Alex : Okay, if she's the future of America, we Claire : Mm hmm? should start using Chinese money now. Phil : In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms. Luke : We already are. Claire : Yeah. Um, I I bought those for her. Jay : My arm is tired. To Haley. Phil : What? Why don't you just buy her some All : To Haley! fishnet stockings and a nurse's outfit? Not that Mitchell : And before everyone puts their that's my thing. That just popped into my head. glasses down, uh, uh, we're also very proud of Claire : Honey, she's an adult, and she's going Lily. Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten. to college. I want to be realistic. I don't want her Gloria : To Lily. to get caught unprepared. All : To Lily. To Lily. Phil : 24 times? What, are you buying her a 4 Cameron : And you'll be impressed to know that year supply? she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there. Claire : Please. Phil, that would've lasted me Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64? and my college boyfriend, like, a long... Lily : 8. Phil : La, la, la, la, la, la, la! Gloria : Wow. Hey! Claire : Okay, we gotta hit the road. Give your Luke : Nice trick. Hey, Lily, what's the square sister a hug good bye. root of this potato? Haley : Don't dork up our room. Lily : 8. Alex : Don't slut up your college. Luke : Congratulations. You have a parrot. Haley : Seriously, though, don't study too hard, Claire : We couldn't even get through the toast okay? to Haley before you pulled focus to Lily. Alex : I'm totally going to have fun. I'm Iceland Mitchell : Oh, come on. It's... it's a big day for in the mock U.N. both of them. Huh? Haley : Mom, we're gonna lose her. Claire : Haley going to college is a miracle. Lily Claire : I am doing my best. Luke, come say going to kindergarten is the law. good bye to your sister. Manny : Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only Luke : I'm right here. Bye, Haley. Have fun. ones starting school. My mom and Jay are going Don't drink too much beer and shots of Tequila. to parenting class. Haley ; Why are you wearing that mask? Jay : We're doing it for the baby. Not this baby. Luke : Uh, I like it. That baby. Claire : He doesn't want you to see him cry. Gloria : Manny doesn't believe that we know Alex : He's literally masking his emotions. what we're doing. A couple of new hairs under his arm, and now he thinks he knows more than Luke : No! his own mother. Phil : That's so sweet. Manny : I know not to embarrass my son as he Haley : Come here. stands on the threshold of manhood. Luke : It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. Half my Jay : I don't know why I have to go to this thing. face was burned off in an industrial accident, In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids. and the mask is hiding the servos that control Mitchell : Ow! my mouth. Claire : Ow! Stop pulling my hair. Mitchell : Stop twisting my nipple. Ow! Claire : Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I Claire : Shut up. Shut up. can to get her set up and prepared and off on Director : Please apologize to Connor for using the right foot. your hands instead of your words. Phil : Not me. When we're standing in her dorm Cameron : Sorry, little fella. room saying good bye, it's gonna be one of the Director : I would like to see you in my office. most emotional moments of my life. I'm gonna Cameron : Right. cry harder than the first time I saw "Air bud"... Especially when I give her this. "Phil's osophy." Director : Now, please. A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've Mitchell : Me, too? Oh. Stop it. Leave him alone. learned, such as... "Always look people in the eye, even if they're blind. Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'" or... "If you get pulled over for Director : Mr. Tucker, what happened out there speeding, tell the policeman your spouse has was unacceptable. diarrhea." Phil's osophy. Cameron : I agree. Is this kindergarten or "The hunger games"? Mitchell : Look how much fun you're gonna Director : I'm speaking of your behavior. We've have here, Lily. So many great toys to play with, never had an incident like this, and now we've and you're gonna make so many new friends. had one on the first day, before circle time. Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again. What the fudge were you thinking? Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me, Cameron : Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about they're mad as Hello Kitty. David Anthony? He used to call me "Cam the ham." Mitchell : Oh, you told his parents on us? That is... that is so not cool. Mitchell : Okay, Lily's day. Yeah, you're right. You know what? It's gonna be a great day. I'm Cameron : Well, I'm sure once they hear what just saying, it's difficult to grow up with a name their boy did, they will be understanding. that rhymes with "ham." Pam : All right, whoever made our son cry has Mitchell : Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch. Bitch. messed with the wrong moms. Elaine Stritch. Mitchell &Cameron : Lesbians. Cameron : What? Mitchell : Not all bullies are straight. Mitchell : While often lumped together, gay men Director : Okay, parents... and lesbians have less in common than one might think. Cameron : Oh! Cameron : Like in the Venn diagram of sexual Director : We'll see you at 12:00. identity, you have gay men... Mitchell : All right. Mitchell : And straight men. Both the same Cameron : Mm! gender. Mitchell : This is when the crying starts. Cameron : Then you have gay men... Cameron : Mm! Mitchell : And straight women. Both attracted Mitchell : Does it ever stop? Come on, Cam. to the same gender. But gay men and lesbians? Okay. Cameron : No. Nothing. Cameron : You know what, Lily, sweetie? I know this is gonna be difficult... Mitchell : I am so sorry we have to meet like Lily : Bye! this, but I'm sure you can understand, as Cameron : Okay. That was a knife to the heart. parents, the instinct to protect your child. Mitchell : No, it's... it's a good thing. Come on. Pam : Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now. Cameron : Oh, you know what? She forgot her snack. Cameron : Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression. Mitchell : Oh. Where'd she go? Director : Okay, let's all take a time out. Lily : Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts! Mitchell : That's a good idea. This is getting a Mitchell : Oh, Lily, honey! Sweetheart, come little heated. Right? here. Come here. Susan : Yeah, Pam, we don't want another Cameron : If you ever put your hands on my incident like at the lumberyard. daughter again, I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole, and let the birds peck Mitchell : Oh, my God. You guys go to the out your eyes. You understand? lumberyard, too? D... I didn't know they had a ladies' night. Director : Mr. Tucker, put that boy down! Pam : Not the bar, Sally. Cameron : He pulled my daughter's hair. Susan : Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice, and you just called him "Sally." Cameron : Yeah, you're not being very helpful, Phil : Man, I love being back in the dorms. It's Peppermint Patty. like I never left. Throw up a David Copperfield Mitchell : Okay. Let's just stick to our actual poster, this could be my room. names. Claire : Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out Director : Enough. I'm gonna give you a little some paperwork. Why don't you throw the homework assignment. I want you and your linens on the bed? Oh, and move the car before kids to have a family playdate. Maybe if the four they tow us. of you can get along, you can set a better Phil : Okay. example for your children. Haley : Oh, my God. What is that shirt?! Susan : I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam? Phil : Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy moving Pam : Fine. Co." 'Cause we're moving you here and here. Mitchell : Cam? And also... Here. Mm. Man, you used to love it when we swung you like that. Cameron : Fine. We'll host, obviously. Claire : I bet we could still do it. Pam : "Obviously"? Phil : Yeah! Cameron : Well, I assume you have an unfinished woodworking project at your house. Haley : Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off. Pam : You've got a lot of nerve. Phil : What? Why? Susan : Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room. Claire : It's cute! Pam : I look forward to your frittata. Haley : It's not cute! Do you see what's happening out there? People are walking around Cameron : Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008? and judging each other. Phil : No, they're not. Teacher : Baby for you. Haley : Oh, really? You didn't see the way Jay : You have some explaining to do. muffin top across the hall was looking at me? Gloria : I'm so sorry that you had to find out People can be cruel. So take it off. like this, Jay. Phil : Fine. Man : Wow, you two are really far along. We're, Haley : Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! uh, we're still in our first trimester. Phil : I don't know what you want from me! Gloria : Ay, that's nice. Man : Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant Phil : You only get one chance at a first for ages. impression. I suggest Julia Child, because it's Jay : She's latina. You just gotta look at her easy to do. Save the giblets. funny. Teacher : Okay, now that everyone has their Lily : Time to go to the beach! doll, let's talk about swaddling. Now you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket Mitchell : You're gonna go to the beach with a toward you, like a diamond, and folding the top dog? down, like this. Susan : That dog on the beach. Jay : I think they made a mistake at the Mitchell : I don't know what I did to deserve hospital. Tough room. this. Teacher : Now we are going to pull the other Susan : Yeah. corner 'round, and tuck it in nice and snug like Lily : I want to show Connor my toys. a burrito. Mitchell : Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie. Gloria : Done! I win. Susan : Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling. Teacher : It's not a race. Mitchell : Thank you for that. Jay : You're darn right. It wasn't even close. Cameron : Okay, we have an assortment of Teacher : Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight. spring rolls here. All vegetarian, of course. Gloria : It's a burrito. You don't want the meat Pam : Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm to fall out. automatically a vegetarian? Teacher : Here. And try like this. And see? Now Cameron : Well, I saw it on "The L word." I your baby can breathe. assume they have consultants. Gloria : I wrapped my son with one hand while Pam : I'm just saying it's an offensive stereotype. driving a stick. I think I know how to keep a Susan : Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian. baby safe. Mitchell : Wow! Susan : Knock it off. Mitchell : Worked out. Gloria : Don't worry so much. Babies are Susan : Yeah. So glad that we are doing this. tougher than you think. When I was 5 years old, my babysitter was a goat. Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah, me, too. I mean, we're the only gay parents in the class. Yeah, we Jay : What? should be supporting one another. I mean, we Gloria : Ay, please. You know about Lupe. have so much in common. Jay : You never said she was a goat. Susan : Exactly. So... Tell us about yourselves. Teacher : You know, it's great that we have a Mitchell : I'm an environmental lawyer. couple of experienced parents in the class. Cameron : Uh, and I'm a homemaker. Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us. Mitchell : And... and, uh, and what do you do? Jay : Absolutely. It's not rocket science. It's Susan : I'm a financial consultant. babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em. They're Pam : I'm a contractor. You thought I was a P.E. teething, you give 'em some scotch. teacher? Teacher : Scotch? Cameron : Well, figured. Hey, I have a question Woman : Really? real quick. How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle? Man : Are you serious? Susan : Uh, you know, Connor is having a Gloria : What? birthday next week. Maybe Lily would like to come. Jay : So we left. Mitchell : Oh, she would love that. Gloria : I didn't need a lecture from Mary Cameron : Oh, great. Are you guys having a Poppins. clown? Jay : And I was suddenly in a mood for a Pam : Oh, God, no. I hate clowns they're so burrito. creepy. Cameron : Maybe you just don't like them Phil : I'd like admission to your student body. because they wear makeup. Girl : Aah! Pam : You know what? I'm out. Pil : Oh, my goodness! I am so sorry. I thought Cameron : Okay. Pam. you were my wife. Pam : Uh... Connor, we're leaving! Girl’s dad : What's going on? Susan : Pam! Pam! Girl : He grabbed me and said... Mitchell : You... you don't understand. Cam Phil : I thought she was my wife. My wife works used to be a clown. out a lot. Cameron : "Used to be"? Once a clown, always a Haley : Dad? clown. Girl’s dad : How'd he grab you? Mitchell : God! Not now! Not now! Girl : He squeezed my butt. Pam : Connor, let's go. Girl’s dad : He what? Susan : Pam. Claire : Phil! Pam : Why is this door locked? Phil : I thought it was you! Believe me, sir. I'm a Cameron : Here. Let me, please. Lily, open this respected realtor. This is an innocent mistake. door right now. Honey, turn around and show him your... your Susan : Okay. I'm not hearing anything. butt. It... it's uncanny. Mitchell : I'm sure they're fine. Haley : Dad. I am very normal. Please do not Susan : Oh, how are you sure? Connor! judge me based on them. Mitchell : Lily! Girl : Are those your My little pony sheets? Pam : Connor! Haley : What? No! Cameron : Lily! Claire : Mm. Oh. I ordered them online. They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry. Phil : That's what was in the box. Oh. Okay. Uh, Teacher : Make the water comfortably warm 90 for the record, I am a respected realtor. Those to 100 degrees max. And never leave the tub are not my condoms. She bought 'em. unsupervised. Is there something you two want to share with the class? Haley : Oh, my God. Gloria : No. It's dirty. Phil : Apparently, that's what people do these days... buy condoms for their kids. When I went Man : Excuse me. We're trying to learn here. to college, my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. That was their idea of safety. Certainly Susan : Why are gay men always so sarcastic? didn't need condoms. Cameron : It's my coping mechanism! Claire : Mm, not if you were wearing a bike Pam : Okay, that's it! Lily, Connor, if you can helmet around campus, you didn't. Am I right? hear me, back away from the door. I'm gonna Girl’s dad : Why don't we let you guys finish, break it down. and we'll come back later? Cameron : I'll help you. Phil : Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, Lily : I don't want Connor to go! that sounds good. See you on parents weekend! Connor : I wanna stay! Claire : They seem nice. Susan : Oh, thank God they're alive! Haley : Guys. Lily : I love him! Claire : I... I know. I know. Look, we need to Cameron : No, you love the idea of him. Now reorganize a little. Your dad will go out and get open this door, sweetie. us some new sheets. You and I can hang up all the pictures on the walls. Connor : Can we really have hot dogs? Haley : You know what? I think it's best if you Pam : Yes, we promise. guys get going. Mitchell : Oh! Come here, sweetheart. Claire : But we... we wanted to help you, sweetie. Cameron : If you ask me, sometimes we get so Haley : No, I got it. hung up on our differences, we forget the one Claire : W what if you wanna move the thing we have in common. When it comes to the furniture around? safety and well being of our children, we're all a little bit nuts. Phil : And we were gonna take you to dinner before we left. Pam : You have dainty little hands, just like Haley : I like the furniture where it is, and I'm your daughter. not hungry. So... Cameron : You have boots like my dad. Phil : Okay. Okay. Um, well, uh, before we leave, I wanted to give you a little present. Gloria : I'm not saying that the goat put me to Claire : Ohh. sleep or brushed my teeth. It just stayed outside Phil : It's actually not a little present. It's my bedroom window and scared all the strangers away. probably the best present you're ever gonna get. It's a collection of all the things I've learned... Jay : Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little disappointed. Hey, kid! Haley : Thanks. Voice : Attention. Dorm meeting in the common Manny : Jay, mom, how was class? room. Gloria : It was great. It was very educating and... and now we know everything about the baby, no? Haley : Okay, so... I better go. Manny : Interesting, because your teacher Phil : Okay. called, and you forgot your sunglasses when you Claire : Okay, come here. left... Three hours early. Phil : That's my girl. Let me get in there. Bye! Gloria : Ay, Manny, don't be mad. Haley : Bye. Manny : I'm not mad. Just disappointed. Gloria : I hate this. I prefer when he screams. Phil : "The most amazing things that can Jay : Manny, it's no big deal. They weren't happen to a human being will happen to you if telling us anything we didn't already know. you just lower your expectations." Manny : We're going to have a baby. Am I the only one who's terrified? Cameron : Oh, they've got something over the Gloria : But why? Why are you so terrified? hole. Lily! Manny : What if it doesn't know not to pick up Pam : Connor! knives or stick its finger in an electric socket? Mitchell : We can't see anything from outside. You were pretty lax, mom. I was the one who The curtains are closed. told you to turn the pot handles towards the Susan : Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a stove so I couldn't reach them. hot dog! Gloria : Manny, I didn't worry about those Pam : What if something happened to them? things because you worried for the both of us. What kind of hazards do you keep in there? Manny : What if this baby doesn't think things Mitchell : Well, let's see. That's where we keep through? It's part Jay. our gun collection, our abandoned refrigerator, Jay : No offense taken. and our chocolate covered hypodermic needles. Gloria : If the baby's different, we'll be different. Jay : Hey. When you were growing up, you had Claire : "Marry someone who looks sexy while to be the man of the house and the kid. Now I'm disappointed." here. You just have to be the kid. I'm not gonna Phil : See? let anything happen to the baby, just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you. Okay? Alex : "Older black ladies make the best iced Manny : Okay. That is a load off. Although you tea." forgot to pick me up last week after tango class. Gloria : We didn't forget. We were just ten Jay : "Success is 1% inspiration, 98% minutes late. perspiration, and 2% attention to detail." Manny : Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood. Gloria : "You can tell a lot about a person from Jay : Please. It was between a Gymboree and a his biography." Pottery Barn. Luke : "Watch a sunrise at least once a day." Luke : "Dance until your feet hurt. Sing until your lungs hurt. Act until you're William Hurt." Manny : "If you love something, set it free, unless it's a tiger." Phil : How you doing? Are you okay? Claire : Yeah. No, I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm good. Mitchell : "If you're ever in jam, a crayon You? scrunched up under your nose makes a good Phil : Fine. Yeah. Great. pretend mustache." Phil : "Take a lesson from parakeets." "If you're Phil : "When life gives you lemonade, make ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror. lemons. Life will be all like, 'what?!'" Never be afraid to reach for the stars, because even if you fall, you'll always be wearing a parent chute. TM." Claire : Haley. Hi, honey. You okay? Haley : Yeah. Where are you guys? Phil : Almost home, honey. Haley : Dad, I really like that book. Phil : You do? Claire : Sweetheart, is everything okay? Haley : Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you for everything, you know, today and stuff. Claire : O of course. Phil : Sure. Claire : Of course. If... if you need anything at all... You just call us. Haley : I'll probably need some more condoms soon. Phil : Not funny. I'm sending you some Care Bear sheets. Haley : Anyway, I should probably get going. We have orientation at 7:00 a.m. Claire : G good luck with that, sweetie. Haley : I love you, guys. Phil : We love you, too, honey. Claire : So, so much. Haley : Bye. Phil : Bye, Haley. Haley : I'll miss you. 4x3 Snip Claire : Hang on a second. What is this? Uh... is this because of your new friend Skylar? Alex : What's with all the yogurt? Haley : Oh, she's just trying to change her Luke : Shh! Durkas has been breaking into my image. Nice work, by the way. You went from locker. But I've got a little revenge planned. dork to Count Dorkula. Can we talk about my Alex : Sorry. I just remembered I don't really clothes? You were supposed to send them! care. Claire : I'll be with you in a second. Hang on. I Haley : Where's mom? Oh, my God, what is that don't like this Skylar. You don't need to change outfit? Are you going goth? You still sleep with a who you are to fit in with the cool kids. stuffed panda. Haley : Oh, of course she does. She just is so Alex : Don't you have a fraternity to pass out in? uncool, she doesn't know who the cool kids are. Alex : Don't you have a class to fail? Claire : Is there anything else you need for your Haley : Don't you have a raven to train? Listen, procedure? I have repeated outfits twice this week. It's a Phil : Um, I think I'm supposed to have ice disaster. cream. Claire : And I will deal with it tomorrow, but Claire : Hmm. Actually, I don't... today I'm taking your father to the doctor. Phil : I'm sorry. Is it a vasecto you, or a Luke : He's having an ass ectomy. vasectomy? Phil : What? Claire : You can have ice cream. Luke : I hear things. Phil : Thanks. Haley : You're getting your tonsils out? Alex : Ohh! This family needs a dumbass Claire : Today... ectomy. Phil : Snip a dee doo dah! We we've been Luke : Oh, shut up! I'm tired of you thinking talking about doing this for a while. you're so... Claire : Yeah. Yeah, ever since dad and Gloria Alex : Did dad ever tell you you were adopted? had their little accident, we don't need any Luke : No, I wasn't! surprises. Phil : Five more years. Phil : Also, though, it will allow for a little more Claire : Okay. freestylin' in the boudoir if we're not having to worry about adding more critters. Claire : More importantly, it is an essential [OPENING CREDITS] part of our 5 year plan. Phil : Oh, the 5 year plan. Talk about the... the Cameron : Okay, so after school, you're going to Rosses. your friend Ashley's to swim, so I'm gonna need Claire : The Rosses... Okay, the Rosses are this you to go get your swimsuit, your swim goggles, couple we have known forever, and... they were and your sunscreen, okay? And change into a never able to have kids, so we always felt a dress that's not covered in cat fur. little... Mitchell : Oh, that cat is really losing its hair. Phil : Jealous of them. Maybe we should slip it one of your Propecia, huh? Claire : Yeah. Cameron : What Propecia? Phil : I mean, we love our kids, but John and Chrissy can travel... Mitchell : Your Pro... Is that not something that we're... So, uh, what you got going on today? Claire : They're always tan. Did you know that Chrissy is eight years older than me? Cameron : Ohh. Busy, busy, busy, busy. I might buy some light bulbs, and then, if time Phil : I would have said eight years younger. permits, I might do a little work on my master There's just this spark in her that... Well, look project. Top secret. who I'm talking to. You used to have it. Mitchell : Okay. Claire : Wow. It's like you don't... hear... Cameron : So don't you dare ask what it is. Phil : The point is, as long as we don't have another baby, that life is ours in five years when Mitchell : I won't. Luke goes off to college. Claire : Or somewhere. Mitchell : Since Lily started kindergarten, Phil : It will actually be a pleasure walking into Cam's had a lot of free time. Now, I I'd like to that doctor's office today... suggest he go back to work, but... Historically, uh, that has proved to be a sensitive topic. Haley : There you are. Mom... Cameron : We sent those adoption papers to Mitchell : Come on. This is hard. Hey, Cam. Vietnam last summer. No, thank you very much, Cameron : Who's hungry? and please remember my tone, not my words. Mitchell : Ohh! Were you thinking about She said it could take up to nine months to get dropping by for lunch... Again? You know, I I a baby. It's inhuman! really wish I could, but it's, uh, it's a zoo around Mitchell : Is it? Don't... I I know it's frustrating, here. Um... but, hey, Cam... Cam, would you but maybe instead of driving yourself crazy mind, uh, stopping by Longinus' boutique and waiting for the phone to ring, you could go back picking up a few shirts for me? to work. Cameron : Sure. Cameron : Excuse me? Mitchell : Thank you. Mitchell : Get a job! No, it... it'll help you take Cameron : Or we can do it together. your mind off the baby. Mitchell : Hey! Cameron : Oh, what, because I'm a big, giant freeloader? Cameron : Hey! Mitchell : Actually, I think I laid out the Mitchell : Hi. reasons pretty clearly. Cameron : Hi. Cameron : No, I think you pegged me. Bone lazy, Mitchell : How are you? just like on the farm... first to bed, last to wake Cameron : Good. up in the morning. You know what? Why don't you call my dad, and you two can gab all night Mitchell : Okay. Um... that's... that's good. about what a teet sucking layabout I am? Okay. Yeah. Mitchell : Okay, I think I might have paddled into some deeper waters here. Haley : You didn't send the little green jacket?! Cameron : What, you think I sit around all day? Claire : Honey, I am not doing this again. It took Well, I'm not sitting now. me an hour to mail that package before. I have Mitchell : What's happening? You keep a post post office traumatic stress disorder. packed suitcase? Haley : Stop smiling. It's not that clever. Claire : It is clever, and there's no way I'm going Dr. Barksdale : That's a healthy baby. back there today. Jay : Hold on. Haley : Oh, my God, I hate you so much! Gloria : What? Claire : Oh, sorry, that's your father. Gotta go! Jay : Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You Phil : Claire, where are you? know, like in "Jaws"? Claire : Oh, honey, I just had a hellish Gloria : I never saw it. experience at the post office. I have post post office traumatic stress disorder. Dr. Barksdale : I saw it, but I don't remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman. Phil : Nailed it. Jay : Ah, forget it. Claire : Yes! And Luke forgot his science project, so now I'm at the school dropping it off. Dr. Barksdale : So, would you like to know if you're having a boy or a girl? Phil : Um, but what about my appointment? Jay : Yes. Claire : I'm so sorry, honey. I made other arrangements, but I promise I will be there when Gloria : No. Ay. I want it to be a surprise, don't you wake up. you, Jay? Phil : Arrangements? What... um... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What... what arrangements? I, Jay : I'm having a baby at 65. You want another um... I kinda wanted you to take me. surprise, Gloria? Buy yourself a box of cracker Jay : Let's go! Chop, chop! Jacks. Phil : Seriously? "Chop, chop"? Jay : Oh, right. Gloria : Estupid dry cleaners! They shrink my clothes! Jay : Might be time for maternity wear. Claire : Ohh! What? What is this? Gloria : Are you crazy? I'm barely showing. Luke : Mom? Jay : Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit before Claire : Luke! you were pregnant. Luke : What are you doing?! Gloria : And I never heard you complain. Claire : I was dropping off your science project. Jay : We're gonna need a bigger belt. Luke : Not to my locker! When are you ever gonna stop embarrassing me? Claire : Five more years. Five more years. Gloria : Did something bad happen at school? Manny : They fired the music teacher. Cameron : Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my Gloria : Mr. Hideo Namagachi? God! Manny : That you say perfectly. Mitchell : If you're gonna go any higher, maybe Gloria : Manny, don't worry. He'll find another I should put this down, huh? job. Longinus : So? What do you think? Manny : What about me? I've been buttering up Cameron : Finally, a store that sells shirts men Mr. Namagachi for years. He was gonna give me actually wanna wear. the lead in the school musical, "Oliver!" Longinus : Thank you. Look, holla if you need Gloria : Is it not all over. me. We're a little shorthanded today. Manny : "Oliver!" Mitchell : What happened to J'Marcus? Gloria : Manny... You are a very talented boy. Longinus : Don't ask. She's a j'mess. I'm telling You're gonna find plenty of music teachers to you, it is so hard to find someone who knows put butter on. clothes and is good with people. Manny : But what if I can't? I don't want to Mitchell : Well, I wish I knew somebody. spend my last year of middle school in the Longinus : Oh, my God. Wait a second. Cam? chorus. You wouldn't think about taking the job, would Gloria : Maybe I can help. Maybe when they you? Do you realize how perfect you'd be? pick the new music teacher, I'll go and I'll flirt a Cameron : Well, yes. Um, but I I... little bit with him. Longinus : You'd only work part time. You'll get Manny : Hey, mom, since we're just talking here, employee discounts on the clothes. Stop me if about your shirt. I'm wasting my breath. Gloria : Uh... what about my shirt? Cameron : Well, I don't know. What do you Manny : Nothing. I just noticed you got some, think, Mitchell? uh, some pizza... on the ice cream on it. Mitchell : Well, I I would miss having you Gloria : Ah, a little piece of... mm. around the house, but, you know, if... if it's something that you love... Jay : It's natural to want to know the sex. And Cameron : Mulling. there's practical matters... how you paint the Mitchell : You know what? It was nice of you to nursery. Gloria should... Phil, would you please offer, but he should probably think about it. knock that off? Cameron : I'll do it! Phil : What? Mitchell : Really? Jay : What's the matter? Are you nervous? Cameron : Yep. Just until he can find Phil : I'm not nervous. May maybe you're the somebody to replace me, and good luck with one who's nervous. You ever think about that? that. Oh, and I don't fold. Okay. "Nervous." Jeoux : Longe, I'm getting a protein shake. Jay : Okay. Okay. Because if you've had a Longinus : Okay. Mitchell, this is Jeoux. change of heart... Mitchell : Hi. Oh, just "Joe"? Phil : I haven't had a change of heart. Maybe you had a change of heart, but I'm totally Jeoux : Yes, Jeoux. J e o u x. pumped. Pump, pump, pumped. Pump up the Mitchell : There it is. jam in my pumped up... kicks. Pumpty dumpty. Jeoux : Oh, is this the Mitchell you're helping Pumplestiltskin. out because he wants his boyfriend to get a job? Jay : Because they do this kind of thing all the I don't know what you're doing. Should I wave? time, and in about an hour, you're gonna be Did your boyfriend take the job? wanting to ride a horse. Mitchell : Oh, my God! That looks so good on Receptionist : Mr. Dunphy, can you please you, Cam! come to the desk? Cameron : Don't even. It is everything I can do Jay : What's the plan, Phil? to not create a scene right now. You will pay for Phil : Just sit here. I'm just gonna sit... I'm this. Mnh. And this. And this. gonna sit a bit. Sitting pretty. Receptionist : Is there a Phil Dunphy here? Gloria : Manny, you don't seem so happy. You Jay : I'm his father in law. He's gonna need a usually love when I pull you out of school to moment. Is there anything I could fill out for play hockey. him? Manny : "A," it's "hooky," and "B," don't ever take me out of school to play hockey. Receptionist : Not unless you want the Mitchell : C Cam! Come on! You know, I can vasectomy. barely catch up with you now that you lost all Jay : Where were you six months ago? that weight. Receptionist : Barbados. Now I really need to Cameron : You know what? I am sleeping better, speak with the patient. and I do have more energy... Oh, you know what? You're good. You're very good. Jay : Got it. Phil, get over here. Phil? Mitchell : Cam, the only reason I tried to get Patient : He just ran ou... you that job is because you've been seeming a Jay : You know what could do wonders for your little... unfulfilled. business here? A recovery room. Cameron : Oh, what, and you thought you'd fix me by turning me into some common shopgirl? Alex : Okay, wait, wait. I'm not sure about this. Mitchell : You're not going anywhere. We have a Skylar : Don't be a baby. It's gonna look cool. daughter. Just hold still. Cameron : It's not for me. It's for you. Alex : Ohh! Mom, what are you doing here? Mitchell : Cam, I'm not go... Okay, well, that's Claire : I am changing my shirt. Why aren't you packed. at school? Cameron : Yeah, and if you're going someplace Skylar : Mrs. Dunphy, we just... cool, I have a winter one packed as well. Claire : Oh, no, you don't get to talk, Morticia. Mitchell : No, I'm not going anywhere! And I Alex : Okay, we cut last period... big deal... should be able to talk to you about these things. because we're shaving the backs of our necks, Cameron : Oh, what things? How empty my life which is totally a style. But of course now you're is? You know, you have no idea what I do going to freak out like you always do about every around this house every day. I shop for food, I little thing. pay the bills, I maintain the house, I grocery Claire : Let's do it. shop. Alex : What? Mitchell : Same as shopping for food. Claire : Yeah. Yeah. Let's shave up some heads. Cameron : And still I have enough time to work Come on. Who's first? on my master project. And you never ask me what my master project is. Alex : Uh, okay. Okay, mom, we... we don't need you to do that. Mitchell : Because you told me not to ask! Cameron : Fine, since you won't let it go... Does Claire : Are you afraid? this... look like the work of an unfulfilled slacker? Alex : I'm not afraid! Mitchell : A mermaid costume? Claire : Then let's do this. It's shaving time. Cameron : Hand sewn from my own design. Shavy gravy. Shaved by the bell. Have you ever stitched lycra? It's like sewing Alex : Why are you talking like dad? water, Mitchell. Claire : Hair up, girls! Let's see some napes. Mitchell : It looks a little small for Lily. Come on. Let's... oh, God. No! Cameron : It's not for Lily. It's for the cat. It's a Alex : Oh, my God! Oh, my God! mermaid costume for the cat. My master project. Claire : What did you do?! It's a mermaid costume... for a cat! Skylar : What did you do? I have my sister's Mitchell : Okay. Hey, don't cry, okay? No, no, wedding on Saturday! it's... it's nice. It's... it's a very nice cat costume. Claire : I'm so sorry. Cameron : Oh, stop it! This is eight weeks of my Alex : Uh, Skylar, wait! life! My... my stupid, empty, creepy, useless cat dressing life. Claire : I could... I could... I could even that up for you. Mitchell : Let me get you a tissue, all right? Skylar : Stay away from me, both of you! Cameron : Here. Alex : Uhh! You ruined my life! Skylar! Mitchell : Okay. Oh! You packed me tissues. Cameron : I know how you are with your allergies. Mitchell : Cam. Cameron! Ohh! You're gonna have to talk to me at some point! Mitchell : Cam! You know I don't think you're lazy. Cameron : Oh, well, let me put that on my list of things to do, right after "get a job." Cameron : I know. That's just stupid dad stuff. You know, I didn't like working on the farm, Mitchell : Would you stop running away? and he just took it as me being lazy. The truth is, Cameron : Nope. is I am unfulfilled. And I do need to find something. Mitchell : Well, you just... you seem happier for practical matters? Well, that wasn't true. I'm when you have a challenge. You know? kind of afraid of having a girl. Cameron : I know, I know. You know, I Phil : Give me a break. That's not a thing. You'd loved teaching music to kids, and then... then just rather have a boy. Everyone would rather Lily, she came along, and... That's the best job have a boy. in the whole wide world. You know? And now Jay : No. I'm actually scared. I get boys. It's she doesn't need me as much. girls... they're... they're complicated. Half of Mitchell : No, come on, come on. We're gonna Claire's childhood, I did everything I could to find you something else, all right? try to turn her into a boy. Cameron : Yeah. Phil : Well, whatever your issues were, you and Mitchell : And it doesn't have to be Longinus. Claire are good now. Or this. Jay : Yeah, but I may not get that kind of time Cameron : Yeah. We'll just... you know, I do like with this new one, and I can't screw it up. I these shirts. don't think I'm sensitive enough to raise a girl. Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah. Phil : Jay, you're being sensitive right now. I mean, I was pretty hysterical, and you calmed Cameron : Mulling. Okay. You know, if I'm me down. I I don't think you're the guy you used gonna mull, I could really use some chocolate. to be. Mitchell : Well, since your diet, we don't keep it Jay : So you're saying that if I can deal with you, around the house. then I can handle... any other little girl? Cameron : Side pocket. Phil : I think I'd put it a a little differently. Mitchell : Yeah? Oh. Jay : No, I I I think that's right. Thanks. We Cameron : Remind me to replace these. gonna do this? Mitchell : Okay. Phil : Promise it's not gonna hurt that much? Jay : Tiny, little pinch. Phil : Oh. Hey, Jay! How you doing? Phil : I built it up in my head, didn't I? Jay : Phil, you gotta stop running from things Jay : Totally. because... Phil : And I can still achieve a a full and Phil : Running? I'm not running. You're running. satisfying... Jay : Look, I'm not up for another round with Jay : You know what? We had a nice little this. Just get in the damn car! I'm not having a moment here. We don't have many of those. I great day! think I'm gonna commemorate it. Phil : You're not having a great day?! Are you Phil : Okay. about to get spayed like a common schnauzer?! Jay : All right? So sit up straight. There you go. Jay : They don't spay you, they fix you. You're a No, no, the arms down. Uh, better arms down. man! Phil : All right. Phil : I just want to stay one! Jay : Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Relax. Jay : Phil, what's scaring you here? That people There you go. Perfect. are gonna think less of you as a man? Phil : Can I get a copy? Phil : No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt. Jay : Oh, there'll be a lot of copies. Jay : That's what this is about? Phil : Oh, great. Phil : Wait, people think that? That you're less of a man? That never even occurred to me. Manny : You were kind of hard on that Jay : Look, no one's gonna think less of you. cinnamon bun guy. And it hardly even hurts. Gloria : Did you hear what he said to me? Phil : I'm unusually sensitive down there. I can't go in certain jacuzzis. Manny : "Congratulations"? Jay : I'm gonna be with you the entire way. Plus Gloria : He thinks I'm pregnant! That is an it's the fear of pain that's always more than the insult when the person doesn't look it. actual experience. Manny : Mom, wait. You need to hear this. You Phil : That's easy for you to say. You're not are pregnant, and you look it. afraid of anything. Gloria : I hope that this new one has some good Jay : Of course I'm afraid of stuff. manners! Phil : Like what? Manny : Mom, stop! I know this whole thing is a little scary for you. Last time you were pregnant, Jay : Look... You remember before, when I told you kinda did it alone 'cause dad wasn't around you I was wanting to know the sex of the baby much. But this time you have two partners. Gloria : That's sweet. And so are you. Especially Jay : I've always seen life like a series of doors. with a little bit of sugar in your face. Let me see. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go Ohh! What happened?! through, sometimes you don't get that choice. Manny : Your shirt couldn't take it anymore! But you still gotta walk through. So you can either go kicking and screaming... Or walk Gloria : The stupid dry cleaners! W... where is through with your head held high. And since I it?! Ay, no! don't get to choose the door I'm about to go Manny : Oh! You're running out of arms, mom! through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. A maternity store's right over there! What was And a boy. that? Gloria : I don't know, but let's go! Phil : Honey, look what Manny just sent me. Claire : Hang on one sec. Okay. Phil : It's you. I thought it was the guy coming Phil : Is that the funniest thing ever? to shave me. Claire : Oh, yeah! Claire : Oh, good. They haven't started. Phil : He had a little piece of bloody toilet paper on his neck. It was disconcerting. Are you okay? Cameron : Oh... oh, my gosh. Mitchell, come here. You have to see what Claire sent us. Claire : Mm hmm. Yeah. I had a pretty crazy day, but it... it had an interesting ending. Mitchell : Okay, wait. One... one second. Cameron : Okay. Is that hilarious? Chrissy : And this tortoise was 200 years old. Mitchell : That's great! I'm sorry. I'm boring you with my trip. Cameron : Oh, Phil! Claire : No, not at all. You hot air ballooned over an active volcano. Three weeks ago I made Gloria : Ay, this is embarrassing. every green light on Jefferson. Couldn't stop Jay : I don't know how comfortable I am with talking about it. this guy teaching our kid. Chrissy : You e mailed me. Claire : Oh, God. Haley : Mom shaved Skylar's head? That's hilarious! Alex : It's not gonna be so fun the next time she bothers to show up for school. Haley : What do you care? You know you don't even like her. Alex : I don't. Skylar's awful. Mom actually did me a huge favor. Haley : Oh, my God. Do not tell her that. She will never shut up. Alex : I know. Remember when you admitted that you didn't hate that James Taylor concert she dragged you to? Haley : She was unbearable! "I told you! He's got the voice of an angel!" Alex : "He's got the voice of an angel!" Haley : She's such a nerd. I kind of miss her, though. Claire : You know, honey, I don't want to do this unless you are really ready. Phil : I am ready. Claire : I don't know if I am. Phil : Me, either. You wanna wait? Claire : Five more years? 4x4 The Butler's Escape Jay : I mean, I shouldn't complain. My wife's a knockout. But... She's at that place in her Phil : Is everybody OK? pregnancy where, she's, you know... ample. And Claire : I'm fine. Thanks for waiting. the snoring. I swear in the last ultrasound, the Alex : What was that? baby was like this... Phil : Water heater, gas line, the train. It's the same, people. Just stay low and move out! Jay : So I should be home about noon tomorrow. Claire : Honey, Luke's gone. Gloria : Who drank all the coffee? Phil : Claire, spontaneous human combustion is Jay : Oh, I, uh, I had quite a bit of that. You very rare. know, I haven't, um, been sleeping too well. Claire : I don't think he exploded, Phil. There's actually a funny story about what's Luke : The rope ladder works. At least someone causing that. followed protocol. Manny : Mom, I'm fully aware of the changes Alex : Oh! Oh, it's there! Smoke is coming out of your body is going through, and that nasal Luke's stupid suitcase. stuffiness is very common during pregnancy, but we got a crisis in this house. You've been snoring. But I got you these nasal strips. In the Phil : Like his old man, Luke is a magician. commercial, the old man's angry red sound Luke : I'm taking lessons from some guy my dad waves turn a gentle blue. found online. Gloria : So I'm like an old man? Phil : He came personally recommended from Manny : No! the guy who runs the warlock conference up in Gloria : Like a dog then? A pig? What is it, Modesto. Manny? I'm an old man, a dog, or a pig? Manny : Jay, help me out here. You've heard it. Manny : Ocupado, big guy. Find another foxhole. Jay : I don't know what the boy's talking about. If this is a glimpse of teenage Manny, I don't love Cameron : This is how we learn to sing. Who it. Have a little respect for your beautiful mother. can go up here with me? Gloria : Thank you, Jay. Manny : You're right. Sorry, mom. And, Jay, Mitchell : Cam took a job teaching music at the have a great trip to San Francisco. local middle school. Yeah, his first day is tomorrow. Cameron : Okay, Lily's drop off time is between Cameron : I'm excited for me, but I'm probably 8:45 and 8:50, so you should be fine to get to more excited for the students because a great work by 9. Here is her checklist for her teacher is a gift. backpack. Mitchell : Hasn't started yet. Mitchell : Uh, wow. Cameron : I have to tip my hat to my High Cameron : Oh, I have this whole thing planned. School music teacher... A real force of nature Okay, I'm gonna walk in, take off my jacket, and who was also the defensive coordinator for the say, "here comes treble." Big swing on the first football team and supervised calf birthing for day. Please don't tamp down my enthusiasm. the animal husbandry club. Doris Olson. Great Mitchell : Okay, what else? lady. Cameron : Oh! The dimmer came in for the Mitchell : Lady. switch, so I want you to call the electrician, but not Brad. Remember? We had a problem with Cameron : This is how... we learn to sing. him last time about the billing. Mitchell : He wanted his name above the title? [OPENING CREDITS] Cameron : Yes, you've done that joke before. So cute. So funny. Mitchell : What else? Gloria : Ay, Jay, I'm going to miss you. Cameron : Oh! Lily needs to get a present for Jay : It's one night. Gio's birthday party. And don't be thrown by the Gloria : No, I don't want to be without you, not invitation. It is a pirates party, not a pilates even one night in my whole life. What can I party. Now sit. I wanna talk juice boxes. make you? Mitchell : Cam. Cam, I know what's happening Jay : How about a little room on my side of the here. You're feeling very anxious about your first bed? day at work, and you're focusing that anxiety on my day with Lily. Cameron : Really? Are you sure I'm not Claire : Okay, let's play this out. Even if he is completely confident about my first day because one in a million, what's our best case scenario it's gonna be a home run, and I am worried here? He becomes, what... about you because you're taking on a little bit Phil : A professional magician! more of the Lily load? Don't be scared, sweetie. Claire : A professional magician? Mwah! Phil : Honey, the boy has a gift. You wanna just Mitchell : She's not scared! Wh wh what are throw that away? you doing? Claire : I don't think it's about throwing it away. Cameron : Just call me if you need me. I think it's about you pushing him... Mitchell : I won't! Luke : Don't I get a say in any of this? I'm sorry Cameron : And thank you for managing my I don't like magic as much as you, but I don't. expectations today. Not necessary. Phil : This isn't about magic. Mitchell : I saw you practicing a bow last night. Luke : No, it's about my life and you controlling Cameron : That was just in fun. You know, I it. highly doubt some teenagers are gonna throw Phil : Look, you made a commitment. You will rose petals at my feet. honor that commitment. Mitchell : Yeah. Luke : Ugh! I hate it here! Cameron : But I wouldn't be surprised if I got slow clapped out of my first class. Phil : Luke! Cameron : All right, young ladies and Alex : Wrong. gentlemen, if I can have your attention, please. Claire : I am thinking. Let's settle down and let's say a temporary good Alex : If you were thinking, you wouldn't have bye to your neighbor and to life as you know it, Seattle as the capital of Washington. because here comes treble. That's right, my Claire : Oh. Yeah. It's Spokane. friends, we got treble, right here at Franklin Middle. I'm Cameron T., and that rhymes with Alex : Sure, which makes the 11th President of "g," and that stands for "good morning"! Huh? the United States "James K. Pslk." Yes! Love the enthusiasm. Go ahead. First Claire : Okay, Alex, stop. I'm trying to figure question. this out. Student : When's Mr. Namagachi coming back? Alex : Buzz. Time's up, dummy. It's Olympia. Cameron : Okay, Mr. namagachi isn't coming Make sure you sound out the big scary words. back, but there is somebody that I'd like to Luke : Mom, something's on my mind, and it's introduce you to. Don't know that you properly really bothering me. met. She's a good friend of mine, and she goes Claire : Yeah, it's really bothering me, too, but I by the name of "music." And sometimes my think it's gonna be rich, so we better be nice to friend music can be shy. Sometimes she can be it. angry! Huh? Sometimes she can be playful. And Luke : I wanna quit magic. sometimes she can be downright a funky! Claire : What? Manny : Train wreck. Luke : I'm not really interested anymore, but I Luke : There's no way he ran this past Mitchell. don't think dad's gonna be happy. Claire : Oh, sweetheart. Don't worry about Lily : Daddy always parks in the back of the disappointing your father. He only wants you to school. do it if you wanna do it. Tell you what. I will talk Mitchell : I know, sweetie, but, uh, those spots to dad... were all taken. Phil : Whoa! Talk to dad? That sounds serious. Lily : Because we're late? Don't do drugs. Stay in school. Mitchell : No, we're, like, a minute late, and Claire : Luke wants to quit magic. that's 'cause of traffic. And because I tipped over Phil : That's not happening. Well, see you guys you didn't snap my car seat right. Okay, well, it at dinner. certainly didn't hurt your memory any. All right, Claire : Sweetheart, don't you even want to talk here's your lunch. You spilled it! Oh! Why is the about this? top open? Phil : What's to talk about? The kid's a natural. Lily : Daddy always zips it for me. He has everything... the hands, the patter, the Mitchell : Maybe you should zip it. outfits. Lily : I heard that. Cameron : So with just a few more minutes comfortable ride around the schoolyard on the left... shoulders of the children? Student : Mr. Namagachi... Cameron : Well, I stood and delivered. Thank Cameron : Used to work here, but he got fired, you for sarcastically asking. okay? So now let's form an orchestra made up of Mitchell : Yeah. my favorite instruments... your beautiful bodies. Cameron : Okay, did you call the electrician Manny : Gettin' creepy. about the dimmer? Cameron : Okay, so you guys are gonna be my, Mitchell : Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I'm on the other line uh, table slappers. You're my bass line. Okay, with him right now. and you're gonna be mouth trumpeters in the Cameron : Oh, well, I should probably let you back with the melody. Okay, now let's bring it go. Keep your eye on Lily. She has a tendency to all together. One, two, three. The bass line is a wander off. little... a little softer. Okay, louder with the Mitchell : Cam... uh, wh wh... I'm... I'm totally mouth trumpets. Okay. Great. Well, thank you capable of... so much. And, um, I thought it was a great first day. And I love the give and take, everyone. And, Cameron : You lost her, didn't you? um... Mitchell : No. No, no, no, no. No, she is right next to me. Hi, honey. Claire : Hey, dad. How's Frisco? Cameron : I can hear it in your voice. Look in the dairy case. Jay : My meetings ended early. I didn't even have to spend the night. And don't say "Frisco." Phil : Cam, do you honestly think that I would They hate it when you call it "frisco." lose... Claire : How do you know what they hate? Cameron : The doors don't pull. They slide. You've been there two times in your life. Jay : Anyway, I haven't slept in a week. Gloria's Jay : You never saw me. snoring like a water buffalo. Claire : Aw. Well, she's pregnant. Jay : Thank you very much. Jay : It's uncomfortable. Claire : What, she put on 15? 20? 25? 30? Phil : Hey. Look, um, I thought about it, and if Jay : We're not doing this again. you really want to, you can quit magic. You just Claire : How do I bring it up? have to do one thing first... execute the Butler's Jay : Well, for starters, you don't. You suck it escape. up. Claire : Dad, your hot wife who was learning to Phil : It goes without saying that the Butler's walk when you were 30 years old, is pregnant escape is one of the most challenging feats of with a baby you conceived doing something escapology an illusionist can perform. It's... it's most men would kill to do. based, of course, on the well known story of the Jay : I'm just so tired. It's a small sacrifice Earl of Flanning's manservant Percy, who was imprisoned in the Tower of London, and as we compared to what she's going through. all know, refused to take off his uniform when Claire : Poor thing, what with the extra... 30? he was shackled. Famously, as the, uh, tower 35? 40? 45? guard Gert slept, Percy freed himself and leapt Jay : We're done. over the sleeping guard, giving rise to the Claire : All right, here we go. popular expression... "Percy jumped the Gert." Mitchell : How's this? Luke : Why are you making me do this stupid trick? Lily : That's not the kind we get. Phil : I think you're quitting... because magic's Mitchell : Okay. Hello? Hey, Cam. Just getting hard, and that's not a good reason for checking in on me again? quitting anything. But... if you can do this, then Cameron : Yeah. Just wanted to see if you got I'll know that you genuinely don't like it, and Lily. you'll have my blessing to pursue other interests. Mitchell : Yeah, we're... we're just... we're at the No strings attached. Sorry, buddy. grocery store, having a great time. Luke : Ow! Cameron : Oh. Yeah. Any questions about the... Phil : I'm so sorry. About the grocery list? Mitchell : No, we're just picking up the granola. Alex : You're kidding, right? You cannot really So how was it? How was the big debut? Was it a be enjoying that stupid show. Claire : I was changing channels. God. Why are Mitchell : Yeah. Let me just put you in a more you so mean lately? Is something wrong with flattering light here. you? Cameron : The dimmer. Alex : Is it that obvious? Mitchell : Mm hmm. Claire : Oh, my gosh. Come on. You can talk to Cameron : Who'd you call? me. Mitchell : I called myself 'cause I did it. Yeah, I Alex : Well... had time after picking up Gio's present, so, uh... Claire : Mm hmm? Go show daddy what it is. Alex : There's this girl at school, and... Cameron : Okay. Yeah. It sounds like you had a Claire : Mm hmm. pretty successful day yourself. Alex : She got pregnant. Mitchell : Well, it's just a matter of being organized. But who am I telling, huh? You do Claire : No. this sort of stuff every day. Oh, blow on that. So Alex : I know. I've been trying to help her, but tell me more about the kids. with all the pills she's taking, she kinda lashes Cameron : Well, it was as I predicted, you know. out. They just needed somebody to come in there Claire : Oh, honey, this is too much for you to and bring music back to life. And, you know, take on alone. Where are the parents? that person was... That person was... It's not me! Alex : They're no help. Dad's all consumed Mitchell : What's happening? with his plastic surgery business, and her Cameron : It was a disaster, Mitchell. They mom's an ex model who's trying to launch a hated me! Not just the kids, the teachers. They music career. wouldn't sit with me at lunch. I had to sit alone. Claire : You're describing the show I was just Mitchell : Oh, honey. watching, right? Cameron : And my sweater... the shop teacher Alex : I'm just saying, mix in a book every now spilled juice on it. He said it was an accident, and then. but it wasn't an accident. Claire : Mean! Mean! Mitchell : It's okay. Cameron : It's not okay! I failed miserably. And Phil : Try to see this from my perspective. look at you. You did everything so perfectly. Luke : I can't. Mitchell : Well, yes. And... and... and no. Look, Phil : I'm not raising a quitter. Trust me. I know look, I... I gotta tell ya. Uh... I've just been what's best for you. And watch your time. In the watching how you've done things all these years, stage version, the rope's on fire, and you're and I just perfected it. suspended over a bed of nails. Claire : Oh, please, Mitchell! Luke : I hate this! Why are you making me do Cameron : Claire... this? Claire : Cam, he was every bit the failure you Phil : Use that anger, Lukini. Let it be the key were. He was late picking up Lily. She was in that opens the vault of fear... that holds the with the custodians. The only thing he had less chalice of hope that contains the elixir of to do with than dinner was the dimmer. And her success. In a few short minutes... Son of hair was in braids because there was gum in it. Alkazeel! You've done it! And... why are we hugging? Luke : I quit. Cameron : Because I know if he called you for help and heard as many insults as I know he Mitchell : So how was your first day? Tell me had to hear, then he had a worse day than me. everything. Mitchell : Oh, she was horrible, Cam. Cameron : Well, you know, it was a lovefest. Cameron : Oh! You know what? It's gonna get And the kids... they were, you know, and... Is better. that a roast? Mitchell : No, I know. We just need some time Mitchell : W... yes. Yes. But I'm surprised you to settle into these new roles. could smell it over the no dairy yellow pepper Cameron : You were right to lower my bisque with cheesy croutons. expectations. Cameron : Oh, wow. You had time to do a roast Mitchell : I just wish I had lowered mine. and soup. Claire : This gonna work its way around to a Lily : Hi, daddy! "thank you," ladies? Cameron : Hi, angel! How are you? Did you miss daddy? Wow. Bathed and braided. Jay : Hey, honey. Gloria : Surprise! I'm in San Francisco! Jay : What? Manny : The house has been a little noisy lately, Gloria : I dropped Manny at a friend's and, I and the school library is a pickup scene. So know it's crazy, but I hopped on a plane and I'm where does a kid go for some peace and quiet? here! I'm driving to the hotel. Jay : That is so great. The thing is, honey, I'm Gloria : Tell me right now if you're having an not here right now. See, I'm, uh, I'm out at affair, and we will find some time later for me to dinner. Probably won't be back for, um... Oh, I kill you. don't know. A couple of hours. Jay : No. I'm just trying to have one night away Gloria : It's okay. I'll wait for you there. from your snoring. Jay : Don't be silly. How often do you get to San Gloria : You came to a hotel to sleep? Francisco? There's so much to see there. I mean, Jay : I'm exhausted, and I didn't want to hurt here. Ghirardelli square? Fisherman's wharf? your feelings, but you're huge and you're loud. Alcatraz? Hey, take that segway tour. That's a It's like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh. And I great way to see the city. And when you get the didn't want to bring it up because I figured chowder, make sure it's one of those bread you'd get mad at me the way you got mad at bowls. You can eat the bowl. Yeah, it's a story Manny. you'll tell for a lifetime. You know what? Later Gloria : I am not mad at you because you told on... Maybe we can watch some of your Lance me that I snore. I am mad at you because you Burton DVDs. didn't say anything. Jay : 'Cause I didn't want to get yelled at. Phil : Thanks. I think I just wanna try this Gloria : Well, too bad. When you're married to escape. Would you mind tightening my arms? me, you're going to get yelled at many times. Claire : Oh. Sure. Here. And you're tough enough to take it. That's what Phil : It's just hard, you know? I love about our marriage. We can say whatever Claire : Mm hmm. we want, but the next day, we're still there. Phil : It's the first time he hasn't shared one of Jay : That's what I like about it, too. Ah. What my interests. It's scary to think that this is the am I gonna say you couldn't forgive me? start of us growing apart. Gloria : There are things, Jay. Claire : Oh, honey, it's probably just a phase. Jay : You ready to go? Alex is going through something right now. I Gloria : I was thinking, it's such a shame that wish I could figure that out. this hotel room is going to go to waste. Phil : I can't breathe. Jay : I like where this is headed. Claire : Anxiety. Gloria : Make Manny some pasta. I'll see you Phil : No, no, I'm... I'm fighting the jacket. The tomorrow morning, okay? key to this escape is balance. The whole thing is based on the idea of opposing forces holding Luke : Hey, dad. each other in check. Phil : Hey, buddy. Claire : That actually makes some sense. Phil : Some sense? There are two things I know Luke : Look, I I'm sorry if I... with dead certainty... how to shoulder roll out of Phil : No, no, no, no. Don't apologize. There's a human pyramid, and the black arts of the still plenty of stuff we can do together. So if you Butler's escape. want out, you are... out! Claire : No, honey, our house is out of balance Luke : Uh, I know we bought a lot of magic stuff, because Alex is missing her opposing force. but we can return some of it... Merlin's hat, the gloves, most of the capes. Phil : Mm? Phil : What about Houdini's wands? Claire : Yeah. Phil : Oh. Y you're missing out. Some people Luke : Uh... they kinda got broken. describe this escape as visual poetry. Honey? Phil : All three? What happened? I got you Oh, no. carbon fiber. Luke : Some kids were messing around with them at school. Jay : Gloria. Phil : What do you mean? What... what were Gloria : You told me that you were in Frisco, they doing? and you were here in a hotel? Jay : Let me just say one thing. Don't say Luke : I don't really want to talk about it. "Frisco." They hate that. And how the hell did Phil : You know, I went through that, kids... you find me? kids messing with my stuff. Luke : Really? Phil : Oh, yeah. In High School, when I first got nominated for junior tumbling congress, my parents had to sign a... release! Anyway, my buddy Dizzy Brindizzi saw it, grabbed it, and made a lot of fun of me. I thought about not going. Luke : But you did. Phil : Oh, yeah. Had a blast. Made a lot of friends, shared milkshakes with more than one female tumbler. The minute I stopped caring what other people thought and started doing what I wanted to do, is the minute I finally felt... free! Buddy... You're gonna make your own choices, and whatever you decide, I'll always support you. Luke : You're not just saying all this 'cause you're stuck, right? Phil : Nothing you decide will ever disappoint me. Luke : Thanks, dad. Relax your arms, roll your shoulders forward, bend down your head, exhale... and then arch. Phil : Uh... Luke : It sorta worked. Claire : Well, honey, I just wanted to check in and say hi. Alex, come say hi to your sister! I love you so much. Alex : What's up, lady? Haley : Oh, my God. You did not just say, "what's up, lady?" What's wrong with you? Alex : I was just saying hello... Haley : Oh, it's like the lamest thing you've ever said. And what is that shirt? What are you, a flapper? Alex : I just bought it at that store that you... Haley : Oh, where? Forever 1921? And what is going on with your hair? Alex : What's wrong with my hair? Haley : Oh, you should just dip yourself in boy repellent. Alex : Shut up! Mom! Claire : And balance... is restored. 4x5 Open House of Horrors Mitchell : Cam has lost a lot of weight... No. So we're throwing a Halloween party to debut the Luke : Why are there giant lollipops all over the new him. front yard? And why do they taste so bad? Cameron : I'll be dressed as a matador. Alex : Because they're made out of cardboard, mouth breather. Mitchell : Wh what is it now, 30? Phil : Hey! The world needs more dreamers, Cameron : 32.4. Luke. Never stop licking things. Mitchell : Ah. Claire : I know it's lame, but after last year, we Cameron : So I've lost Lily. Where is Lily? promised the neighbors we would keep our Mitchell : Hmm? Do you... you don't have her? decorations more "family friendly". Cameron : No. Why would I have her? I don't Alex : We can't even carve a pumpkin? have her in my pocket. Claire : The petition was very specific. Mitchell : Cam? Claire : Every Halloween, we have the best Lily : What about the tiara? house. Last year, I took things to a whole new level. But, apparently, it was too scary for some Mitchell : Uh, we didn't buy one. You can just kids... And one adult. use the one from last year. Lily : Are we poor? Kids : Trick or treat! Mitchell : No, sweetheart, but you don't need two tiaras. How 'bout next Halloween you try a Claire : Would you like some candy? different costume? Kids : Yeah! Lily : No. I have to be a princess. Claire : Or would you rather have this? Come Mitchell : Every year? Why? on. You're fine. Lily : Because my mom's a princess, just like you told me. Phil : I don't care what anyone says. You did not give that man a heart attack. Mitchell : Cam and I have always known that Claire : Thank you. someday, we were gonna have to have the big Phil : I mean, you're not even scary. Can I grab talk with Lily about who her mom was. We... we a little bit of this candy for my open house were gonna pick the right time and do it tonight? together, carefully following an agreed upon Claire : Uh, yeah, sure, but... script. Then I got tired. Phil : It's genius. An open house on Halloween. Millions of bored parents just trying to keep Mitchell : "And she was the most beautiful their... kids out of traffic. Now they can get away princess in all the land. The end." Again. from all that, and see a nice house. Lily : Why is Tyler's mommy so fat? Claire : What do you mean, I'm not even scary? Mitchell : Oh, that's because she has... she has I literally almost scared the life out of a man. a baby in her belly. Okay? Good night. Phil : You literally scared a little saliva and a Lily : Was I in my mom's belly? little urine out of him. That happens to me every time I see a monkey wearing people clothes. Mitchell : Lily, no more questions, all right? Just, just go to sleep. Claire : I was plenty scary. I used professional grade makeup. Lily : Where's my mom now? Phil : That's the point, Claire. It was overkill. Mitchell : Um, she's... in a faraway land. You're the kind of person who can be twice as Lily : Why? scary without wearing any makeup. Bye. Mitchell : Because she's a princess. And she's... very, very busy. [OPENING CREDITS] Lily : Okay. Cameron : You remembered to pick up the Mitchell : I thought that she'd forget about it by costumes, right? the next morning. I mean, I did. Oh, I knew I Mitchell : Yes, they're right over there. was gonna have to tell Cam, and he was gonna be furious, but I was hoping that he'd see the Cameron : Very excited. bigger issue. You know, I was really tired. Mitchell : Hey, Cam, you know this whole thing about Lily wanting to be a princess again? Well, I I think it might be because I let her believe her Manny : Nothing. mother was... Gloria : Oh, that's it. I'm calling him. I hate Cameron : This is a nightmare. when he tries to... Mitchell : It was just a mistake. Manny : Nothing on purpose. It was between Cameron : More like a disaster. They sent the periods, right before this big test. I was clearing matador costume in your size, and the bull my mind by practicing some of my Gene Kelly costume in mine. dance moves. Mitchell : Oh. I didn't notice. Um... Jay : As one does. Cameron : Now no one's gonna see my bod in Manny : Right. And my umbrella accidentally this bulky bull costume. snagged the fire alarm. The principal thought I did it on purpose so we'd miss the test. Mitchell : It was... it was honestly a mistake. L listen, um, you... you could do that other thing Gloria : But you didn't! That's it! I'm going to his that you thought of. You could put on that house! gorgeous white suit that fits you so well now, Manny : Mom! You gotta stop doing this. I'm not and you could be Mr. Roarke, and Lily could be sure if it's the pregnancy, which we both know your tattoo. isn't your fault... But lately you've been such a Lily : No! I have to be a princess! hothead. Cameron : Oh, but, Lily, you were a princess Gloria : I am not a hothead! I am Colombian. last year. We get excited. My country is covered in coffee. Lily : No! You promised! I'm being a princess! Jay : Just like the Starbucks girl when she got your order wrong? Cameron : Why is she so obsessed with princesses? Gloria : Half caf, non fat wet soy latte. How hard is that to hear?! Mitchell : Well... Like we weren't at that age? Phil : You don't get to be 2 time nonconsecutive Jay : I mean... I'm not mad about the ticket. It's district salesman of the year without thinking just the first time I couldn't charm my way out inside the box. That's right. I said "inside." You of one of these things. The way I see it, it's not a know why? 'Cause while everyone's chasing ticket. It's a conversation. each other around outside the box, you know what the box is? Empty. Jay : No offense. You don't need that siren. You could stop traffic just getting out of that squad Phil : Which brings us back to our formal dining car. room. Now any questions? Police Officer : License and registration, please. Kid #1 : Can we have our candy now? Jay : I, uh... I'm no stranger to the police Phil : Just as soon as we go over what you're academy myself. Seen all seven of them. gonna tell your parents. Now what was our style? Police Officer : Sir, no one's seen all seven. Is Kids : Pre war craftsman. this information accurate? Phil : Good, good. And how many square feet? Jay : Yeah. Uh, except for the weight. I thought they wanted to know how much I could curl. Kids : 3,500. Jay : I must be getting rusty with my moves. Claire : Still no trick or treaters? Gloria : Moves? What moves? Alex : Not yet. Jay : You know, flash the baby blues, hit 'em Claire : Well, maybe people are going out later with the devilish grin. In case of emergency, this year. break glass and bust out the dimple. Alex : Well, the street's full of kids, but they're Gloria : Hey, isn't that one from the smallpox? actively detouring around our house. Jay : 'Cause I'm 100. Chicken pox. And it Man : Move along. doesn't matter where it's from. It always worked. Claire : Who wants some candy? Plenty of Manny : Hey, mom. name brand... Family friendly candy right here. Gloria : Manny, why are you coming back from Man : It's a trap! school so late? Claire : No. I... Ooh, how about you? Hey... You Manny : I got sent to the principal's office. want some candy, right? Come on, have some candy! Gloria : Oh. I am sending him an angry e mail, because I don't like when... Girl : Mom! Mommy, she's got me! Manny : No, no, no. It's not his fault. Claire : No, I don't... I'm not trying... Jay : What did you do wrong? Girl : My candy! Girl’s Mom : Just leave it! Reuben : You need to talk at the school assembly on Monday and apologize to all the teachers. Gloria : Jay, you have to get ready for Mitch and Cam's party. Luke : Teachers. More like public sector parasites. Jay : Gloria, does my skin look looser to you? Reuben : Be strong, Manny. Gloria : What? Luke : Be smart. Adventures, parties. Jay : Maybe I should try some of that fancy neck cream of yours. Don't you have some with Reuben : Juvie, heartache. specks of diamonds in it or something? Luke : Girls! Skeleton Boy : Trick or treat. Reuben : But not the kind we want. Lemon Boy : Trick or treat. Manny : They're all the kind we want. Mr. Dur... Gloria : You guys don't even have costumes. Conrad! Skeleton Boy : I'm a skeleton. Lemon Boy : And I'm... I'm a lemon. Egg Donor : Take one. I'm an egg donor. Gloria : Aren't you too old to be trick or treating? Sugar Daddy : I love your costume, too, Cam. Adora bull. Skeleton Boy : Aren't you too old to be having a baby? Cameron : Oh, well, thank you. It's all in fun. I half wanted to wear something tighter. You Gloria : Ah, you find that funny, lemon? Here's know, I've been reducing. a better joke. Knock, knock. What's gone? Your candy! Sugar Daddy : I can see. Jay : What was that? Cameron : Well, you say it like you can't. Gloria : Some rude dummies, that they think Sugar Daddy : No, no, no. I totally can. that they can... Cameron : Impressive, huh? Jay : All right, listen. Let's just calm down. Get Sugar Daddy : Yeah. I'm... I'm gonna... ready for the party. Mitchell : Hey, Cam. I'm hearing a rumor that Gloria : Calm down what? Huh? You think I'm a you keep flashing our guests. hothead, like Manny? Cameron : Oh, well, not in a perverted way. I Jay : No! You can be emotional. Volatile, maybe. just want people to see my body under this Still, that's a far cry from... stupid costume. Gloria : You put egg on my house, I kill what Mitchell : That's very close to what actual you love! flashers say. Jay : Psycho. Lily : Daddy? Mitchell : Yeah, one second, honey. Reuben : Plush utility room? Yeah, right. I know Cameron : I'm just tired of throwing out a hall closet when I see one. compliments and not getting anything back. I Luke : And your dad never lies? What medical told Roberto his spray tan looked real. Look for school did the great appliance doctor attend? yourself. It's on two of our pillows and our cat. Durkas : Hey, Delgado. Lily : Daddy. Manny : Oh, no! Durkas! What I wouldn't give Mitchell : Yeah? for this umbrella to have Mary Poppins' powers. Lily : Look it. It's my mommy. She came. Luke : Oh, I pray he didn't hear that. Mitchell : Oh. Oh, no, honey, that's not your Durkas : Heard you pulled the fire alarm today mommy. and got us out of that test. Good job. Lily : It's not? Manny : Thanks, Mr. Durkas. Mitchell : No, no. That's just one of daddy's Durkas : You know what? You don't need to call friends. me that anymore. Anyway, we're all meeting at Cameron : What's going on? the playground at 8:00 and heading out, if you Mitchell : Oh, nothing. She just wants one of want to join. these cupcakes. Luke : You're totally going to that. Lily : But I already had... Reuben : Yeah, if you want to ruin your Mitchell : Oh, there you go, honey. Okay, off reputation. you go. Mingle! Mingle! Luke : You're finally gonna be in with the cool kids. Alex : Looks like some people came by. Claire : Yeah. Oh, yeah, we had a few. Alex : I saw that. Mitchell : Cam, stop! Claire : Hello? Phil : Hey, honey. Gloria : Just saying that we could have caught Claire : Hi. How's your open house? those kids. Phil : Pretty empty, actually. I kind of just took Jay : What, and chase them around all night? it out on a Harry Potter. Seriously, though, a I'm not a young man anymore, as the world Gryffindor letting his mom carry his Quidditch keeps pointing out. broom? How Hufflepuff is that? Gloria : What did that waiter just call you Claire : It's pretty lonely here, too. We have outside? been shunned by the whole neighborhood. Jay : Medieval knievel. Phil : That's ridiculous. All over some mild little Sugar Daddy : That is hilarious. I love when gag you pulled? people put some thought into their outfit. Illegal Claire : It was not mild. There was an investig... alien, sugar daddy. Phil : Oh, I I thought I heard someone. I guess Gloria : Why do you say "illegal"? it was just trees tapping against the window. It's Sugar daddy : Because antennas are alien, and pretty creepy over here in this rattly old house. you're... Anyway, I'll probably give it another 30 minutes, Gloria : What? Illegal? Because of the color of then I'll see you at home. my skin? Why don't I dump your baby in your Claire : Okay. Bye. gas tank? Alex : What are you laughing about? Jay : Gloria! Uh, no hard feelings, please. Just Claire : Oh, it's just your poor dad, you know. enjoy the party, okay? First of all, relax. We're at Your poor, dumb dad. a party. Secondly, you've been deported twice. You're not allowed to be that defensive. Gloria : What is it with me lately? Manny's right. Phil : I'll fill you in at the staff meeting after I'm such a hothead. Keneally's done telling us about his morning commute. That's hilarious! You sound just like Jay : It happens. You're pregnant. him. You are so doing that at Christmas talent Gloria : That's what it is, isn't it? It's the baby. night. Dude, "rich girl," "Sara smile"... Then a It's angry in there. "maneater" encore. It was scary how good they Jay : No! were. Close your eyes, it could have been the Gloria : Yes! You just said it yourself. I have real band. Yeah, he got lucky in the football pool changed. I have an angry baby inside of me once, and now he wants to double the stakes. making me do bad things! Oh, I'm so scared! Right? Well, this night was a bust. Not a single person even... or did I speak Jay : It's just hormones. It's your mama bear too soon? Was someone in the mood to be a bad instinct kicking in. And that's a good thing, little ghoul? Oh, Connie, I didn't mean you. I'm... because that means you're gonna be a great hey, that's just... that's just the divorce talking. mom... again. Hang in there. Bye bye. Gloria : Do you really think so? Jay : You got a lucky little kid in there. He's got Mitchell : Well, someone decided to take a trip a mom who's not gonna let anyone harm him. to fantasy island after all. Gloria : Or her. Cameron : Well, I'm tired of people not noticing Jay : Or... or him. my new physique. If this doesn't work, I'm Lemon Boy : Trick or treat. breaking out the diaper and top hat and going as baby new year! Hello. Skeleton Boy : Trick or treat. Egg Donor : Oh, my God! John John, is that Jay : Go ahead. you? You look amazing. Gloria : You better run! John : Thanks! That's what happens when you lose 100 pounds. Cameron : Oh, my gosh, is that the most Cameron : Oh, come on. What a... precious thing you've ever seen? John : Who wants to lift me? Mitchell : Oh, my God. Sugar Daddy : Me. Lily : Do you know other princesses? Cameron : Come on. How could he have not Sam : Trust me. I know lots. called us? Mitchell : Okay. Bedtime. Sugar Daddy : Oh, my God, he's as light as a Cameron : Oh, no, it's not that late. feather. Lily : Do you know my mom? She's a princess. Cameron : You know what? I'm gonna go lift him and shake him till his staples pop. Mitchell : She's exhausted. She's not making Cameron : This isn't about me. Let's just fix this. sense. She's so tired. Mitchell : Okay, great. Although... The way you Lily : Daddy, you told me! agreed so quickly makes me wonder what sort of Cameron : What is she talking about, Mitchell? things you've told her. Lily : My real mom. She is, right? Cameron : I may have told her her fibs kills birds. Cameron : Okay, I think we need to have a little talk. Mitchell : Wow. We're coming back to that one. Lily : Oh oh. Cameron : Oh, hi, princess. Mitchell : Sam, do you notice how slim Cam's Mitchell : Hey, Lil. Could we talk to you for a getting? second? Cameron : Nice try. I will be back for that Lily : Am I in trouble? answer. Cameron : Oh, gosh, no. Of course not, sweetie. Um... well, do you remember how we used to tell you there was a heaven for all the flowers that Phil : This isn't gonna work, Claire... 'Cause I die? know you're here. What's the plan, anyway? You gonna pop out at me? It's gonna take more than Mitchell : What do you mean, "used to"? that to scare this... Hello?! Cameron : Sorry, I let it slip. We'll deal with it Woman : Hi! Is the house still open? later. Phil : Oh, yes! Yes! I'll be right down. Claire, this Mitchell : How much are you not telling me? is serious! I have a job! Not that you don't. You Lily : Why are you talking like this? work 24/7 and you don't get half the Mitchell : Daddies took a little side trip. Sorry, appreciation you deserve. Can we talk about sweetie. Um, so sometimes, uh, we tell you this later? things like that to make you feel better. And I might have done the same thing when I told you Phil : As you potential buyers can see, this is a, that your mom is a princess. uh, a beautiful home. Lily : So she's not? Sheila : What's behind here? Cameron : Well, you know what? She might be. Phil : Oh, I wouldn't go in there! Unless you love Mitchell : She might be. formal dining rooms. Cameron : But we can't know for sure, honey, Sheila : Honey, look at this. because... well, we don't know where she is or... Sheila’s husband : I'm in the kitchen. what she's doing. Phil : Oh, we should probably stay together. Mitchell : B but what... what we do know is Come on, Sheila. that she loved you very, very much... And she knew that she couldn't take care of you, so she Sheila’s husband : Phil, one question. Are made sure that you went with the most loving these... family she could find. Phil : Wait, wait. I just love to see people's Cameron : And that's how the three of us reactions when I show them... so much storage. became a family. Does that make sense, sweetie? What? It's crazy! I think you guys will find that this house is full of so many... delightful Mitchell : Do you have any questions for us? surprises that you'll be happy here for... Lily : Why did you say a fib and kill a bird? Sheila : Oh, my God! Phil : I don't know her! Sam : I noticed you walking in with your wife Sheila : Is this the original tub? earlier. She's stunning. Phil : What? Yes, it is. It is, uh, the original tub. Jay : You know my favorite part of that Um, original fixtures, beveled mirror, just a a compliment? You knew she was my wife. Half huge stall shower if you guys would, uh, want to the world thinks she's my daughter. have a party. I'm kidding, of course. But, um, Sam : Well, if you ask me, she's a lucky girl. just a house with a real personality. Bummer for me, though. Handsomest man in here, and he's taken. Cameron : We'll be right in, sweetie. We agreed Jay : I'll bet you do all right with the boys. to tell Lily about her mother together, wearing Sam : I do. It's the men I'm interested in. calming earth tones, and we agreed to tell her Jay : You just put it all right out there, don't the truth. you? Mitchell : I know, but haven't you ever said Sam : I always try to hold a little something something dumb to Lily that you wish she would back. just forget? Cameron : Oh, my gosh. Jay : Hey, you never told me if you hit those Gloria : No, no, no, no, no, no. Leave him. kids with that egg. Cameron : No, but you know that's a... Gloria : They blended into the crowd, but there was a slow one with them. He couldn't run so Gloria : I know. He needs this. fast, and I nailed him pretty good. Jay : Okay. Reuben : I warned you. Sam : It was great meeting you, Jay. Manny : Okay, Reuben. Jay : You, too, Sam. Reuben : Where are your cool friends now? Not q tipping your ear, that's for sure. Cameron : Wow! Looks like somebody really Manny : Okay, Reuben. likes you. Reuben : This is why I never hang out with cool Jay : What can I say? I still got it. I've been kids. meaning to ask you... have you lost some weight? Manny : Yeah, you rejected them, shortly after Because you look good. you and your mom roller danced at the talent Cameron : Wow, you have no idea what that show. means to hear from you, Jay. Reuben : Oh... we were robbed. Jay : Uh, turn it that way. Manny : Couldn't have been the song you Mitchell : I thought this might cheer you up. picked. Lily : Da plane! Da plane! Reuben : "Wing beneath my w..." Jay : Baby girl! Manny : Ow! Cameron : Ohh! Look you! You even taught her the catchphrase. Yeah. Jay, have you seen my new tattoo? Sheila’s husband : ...Be in touch. Phil : Well, thanks so much for coming. Sheila’s husband : Yeah. Thanks. Phil : Okay. Okay, Claire, they're gone. You can come out now. Claire? Honey, I'm sorry I said you weren't scary. It's been such a long day. Can we please just go home? All right. I'm leaving without ya. So... this remote you know how to use. Yes? Claire : Phil, where are you? Phil : Claire? Where are you? Claire : I came over to scare you, but then I heard you showing the house to that couple, so I got out of your way. Phil : Are you at home? Claire : Yeah. I got here ten minutes ago. Phil : S so... so you're saying... this call isn't coming from inside the house? Claire : What are you talking about? Just get home. The kids and I are hungry. Alex : Yeah, hurry up, dad. Luke : We miss you! Phil : Miss you, too, buddy. Luke : Trick or treat! Phil : Aah! Phil : I wasn't really that scared. Okay. 4x6 Yard Sale out. A couple times. There was even a little... under the shirt action. His chest is very smooth. Manny : Jay, should I get rid of this? The hat, the jacket, or the cane? Jay : Actually, yes. Just yes. Phil : Heads up! Coming through! Claire : Wow! I am glad you're finally getting rid of that thing. Manny : We're having a yard sale for our social studies class to raise money for UNICEF. The Phil : What? I'm not selling this bad boy. I was point is for us to learn about global altruism. gonna meet you at your dad's and get a little exercise on the way. What's, uh, what's your Luke : No, the point is for us to raise more beef with my streetstrider? money than Miss Cooper's class so we get a pizza and a pool party. Alex : Even I think it's nerdy, and I'm fluent in elvish. Manny : Your cynicism makes me sad for our world. Phil : It's not nerdy. Luke, back me up. Luke : Ease up, Delgado. I've seen you with a Luke : I hope you mean into the garage, pizza. because I have friends on this street. Claire : Honey, you finally found something less cool than those pants that zip off into shorts. Jay : Ugh. I hate garage sales. Bunch of shady characters going through my stuff. Why can't I Phil : My shants, which you have been gunning just write a check? for since day one. Does it matter to any of you that this is actually an extremely efficient Gloria : Ay, relax, Jay. It's just a couple of cardiovascular workout that could prolong my people in the driveway. life? Jay : Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where it starts. Claire : Mm, yeah, but what kind of life? And Then it's, "it's just a local call." "Can I use your with whom? bathroom?" "My mother needs to lie down." No, it just stinks. Manny : He did write a check. [OPENING CREDITS] Gloria : Shh! The less he nows, the better. Manny : Remember, everyone, this is for charity. Every dollar we earn helps a diseased child, a Luke : You're not even here aymore. starving child, an abused child. Now have fun! Haley : But it's my stuff. Where's Mom? Luke, Cameron : Speaking of starving children, here's take me to Mom. And move slow. I'm still my contribution. Six pair of jeans that don't fit drunk... ing my coffee. Mom! me any more because I've lost 25 pounds. That's Claire : What's the problem? like... one, two, three children's bowling balls. Haley : Uh, tell Luke not to sell my stuff? Gloria : Mm, bravo! Hey! Claire : Honey, come on. Give it up. Even John Claire : Very nice. Mayer doesn't have a John Mayer poster any Phil : C Cam? Are...are you really getting rid of more. all of these? I mean, they're almost new. It's... Haley : It's signed by him. Cameron : Well, what if you, um... Chat if I Claire : It's time you knew... they come that way. what, Mitchell? Put the weight back on? Haley : But it's "To Haley." Mitchell : No! No. No, what if you... you think of Claire : In a different color. Your dad wrote that. some creative art project that requires denim? Haley : Ew! He wrote "My body is a You know, something farm or Kelly Clarkson wonderland." themed? Or... Claire : I didn't catch that till after. Cameron : I've already down so much with that motif. Alex : Mom, is it okay if Michael comes to the yard sale? Mitchell : Yeah. Yeah. Claire : Well, honey, did't you see him last night? Cameron : You know what? No, sell 'em! I wanna purge, which, for the record, is not how I Alex : So? Why don't you like my boyfriend? lost this weight. Claire : I do like him. Mitchell : Oh, every time. Every time he loses weight, he gets rid of his big pants. And then Claire : I'm just 90% sure he's 100% gay. when he puts the weight back on, he has to buy them all new again. It's... it's a nightmare. Jay : Just put the jeans in the car while he's in Alex : Yes, when Michael took me to prom, I the house. questioned his sexuality. But then... we made Mitchell : No, Dad! That's incredibly dis... I'm But with the baby coming, I guess I am gonna gonna do that. Yeah. sell it. Luke : Whoa! Where you think you're going with Phil : Oh, she's a beaut. those? Jay : What, you wouldn't be interested in it, Mitchell : Oh, these aren't for sale. would you? Luke : Hey, this is for charity. You know you're Phil : Why wouldn't I be? taking those jeans out of the hands of some Jay : Well, I just never thought of you as a needy, giant children. motorcycle kinda guy. Mitchell : You know they're not getting the Phil : I would be if Claire would ever let me have actual jeans, right, Luke? one. Luke : Oh. Right? Well then how about a Claire : You can have a motorcycle if you want. donation? Phil : Ah, ha, ha. Can I also have an affair with Mitchell : 20 bucks? my super hot receptionist? Luke : A hundred. Claire : What super hot receptionist? Mitchell : $20? Phil : Don't change the subject! Now what Luke : Sure. What's it to you if some kid gets would everybody like for lunch? sick bathing in poo river, Africa? Claire : You don't have to buy a motorcycle if you don't want one. But don't blame it on me. Man : How much for the ashtray? I'm fine with it. Jay : I don't know. What's the tag say? Phil : Seriously? Man : 50 cents. But there's a chip in it. Claire : Yeah. Yeah, look, I know it's not the safest thing in the world, but it is sexy. Jay : Well, that's why it's lying on a blanket on my lawn, next to some old corn on the cob Gloria : Yes. I lot more sexy than that crazy handles. machine you rode up on. Is that something that your doctor make you use? Man : I'll give you 35. Jay : All right, I'm gonna take this around back, Jay : You're wearing a $10,000 watch. You're unless you'd like to go for a test drive. haggling over 15 cents? Phil : Sure. Let's go. Not too fast. Precious cargo. Man : You live in this place, and you can't let that 15 cents go? Jay : I'm not taking you, sweetheart. Jay : Fine. 35. Phil : I'm driving? Awesome! Man : Can you break a 50? Jay : Get out. Phil : I'm terrified of motorcycles, but sometimes you have to do things to show the world you're still a man. Same reason I got that henna tattoo. Gloria : Manny. What is this case doing here? Japanese symbol for "courage." Manny : I found it in the attic. Why? What is it? Gloria : Nothing that concerns you. It's from Cameron : Yeah. Colombia. Alex : Oh, Michael's here! Hi, Michael! Manny : But I thought you said... Cameron : Well, well, well. What is this all Gloria : You thought nothing. It's going back in about? Is there a a new man in Alex's life? the attic, and I want no more questions. Claire : Well, she certainly thinks so. Is there Manny : Why? any way that boy is straight? Gloria : That's a question. Mitchell : Ooh, what's going on? Who are we Manny : Wow. That was weird. looking at? Luke : Too weird. Claire : Uh, it's Alex's new "boyfriend" Michael. Manny : I wonder what's in there. Mitchell : What's up with the air quotes? Luke : Wake up, Delgado. Locked box, from Cameron : She thinks he's gay. Colombia, "no more questions"? It's obviously a Claire : I "think" he's gay she same way I "think" human head. that lamp is hideous. Manny : Why is that always your first guess? Cameron : Okay, brought it, made it in art class. Luke : One of these days, I'm gonna be right. Claire : Look, I like Michael. I really do. I just... I don't want her to get her heart broken. When it Phil : No way! You're selling the Harley? comes to boys, her self esteem is low enough as it is. Jay : No, I'm just trying to move it out of the way. Some asshat offered me 100 bucks for it. Cameron : I don't know. Alex seems pretty darn Luke : Lock the door. Okay, let's do this. tough. Manny : No matter what we find in here, I will Claire : Oh, she's just sarcastic on the outside. always love my mother. Inside, she's just a fragile little girl. Luke : Even if it's a head? Mitchell : By all means, look right at me when Manny : It's not a head. Oh, my God! It's a head! you say that. Luke : Finally! Claire : If she wants to get her heart broken by a gay guy, she can do so when she's 18 or 19 and can drink her way through it. Cameron : Mitchell! I was just in the car, and I found my fat pants in there. Do you know Mitchell : Aw. You're a "good mother." anything about that? Cameron : Mm hmm. I don't know, Claire. You Mitchell : What? No! No. Did you forget to put could be wrong. Boys aren't as concerned about 'em out? traditional masculinity any more. You know, they're not butching it up. They're not pushing Cameron : No. Remember? I posed, people down their feelings. clapped... I had my moment. Mitchell : Yeah, they care about their clothes. Mitchell : I do remember that. That... Oh, that was a great moment. I am so proud of you. Cameron : Mm hmm. Cameron : What's going on? You're being weird. Mitchell : They... they... they groom. Mitchell : What? First, I'm a pants thief and... Cameron : Mm hmm. and now I can't pay you a compliment? You Mitchell : Everybody's hairless. Yeah, you can't know who's being weird? You. Here comes Claire! tell anything any more. Hey, girl! Cameron : Mmh mnh. Claire : I don't know what that was. Okay, I just Claire : Really? saw Alex and Michael sittin' in a tree. Don't Alex : Uncle Mitch, Uncle Cam, this is Michael. make me spell this out for you. Mitchell : Hi. Mitchell : Well, what can you do? Cameron : Hello. Claire : I can't do anything, but you two could talk to her. Michael : Hi! Mitchell : And tell her what? Alex : Okay, come on. Claire : Michael's playing for the pink team. Cameron : Yep, he's gay. Cameron : Okay, we get to say that. You don't Michell : We stand corrected. really. Claire : I know, because you have credibility, Phil : Okay. and I have the opposite of credibility. I have... I Jay : Now be careful. I don't want you to crash. am a mother. I don't want the bike all scratched up. Mitchell : Okay, we're not doing this. Claire : And don't be nervous. People make Cameron : No. Well, now hold on. Just a minute. mistakes when they're nervous. You know, when I was... young and straight, I Phil : I'm not nervous. I've had bigger hogs than left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm this between my legs. not proud of it. Jay : He really oughta run things through his Mitchell : Ah, you're kinda proud of it. You head first. work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday. Claire : Yeah. Cameron : Okay, how am I supposed to walk into a dry cleaner and not mention my girlfriend Phil : I know I looked super cool on the outside, Wendy Jo Martinizer? but on the inside, I was terrified. And then I remembered that Fonzie once put together a Claire : Can we get back to my problem? whole motorcycle while blind. And I thought, Mitchell : You don't have a problem, okay? that was a great show, and I got really distracted They're kids. They're gonna work it out. and... and I forgot I was scared. So I headed up Claire : Can you talk to her? the canyon and I left the city behind. I'd never Cameron : Not when she's like this. Oh, you felt so exhilarated. I don't know exactly when it mean Alex. Yeah. I'll do it. happened, but somewhere on that lonely road... The bike and I became one. Claire : Thank you. Phil : Ohh. Oh, no. No. Oh, you're heavy! No! Phil : Claire, kids, if you're seeing this, then Ohh! they found my body. Or I finally got a signal and I sent it to you in an e mail. Although in that case, I'd just call. But sometimes you can Alex : It's an old curtain ring Michael saw over actually get a pretty decent data signal and no there. He braided three leather shoelaces voice. I know I'm not making any sense. I've around it and voila. been trapped out here now for... 27 Cameron : You know, Alex, you and Michael minutes. I'm such an idiot. Why did I bring this remind me so much of me and my first girlfriend stupid motorcycle out here? To prove I'm a man? Annabelle Pickett. I am a man. Claire : Huh? You had a girlfriend? Cameron : Yeah. Cutest girl in Sunday school, Manny : Mom. too. So one year, I asked her to go to the church Gloria : Manny, what is this doing here? bazaar lip sync contest with me, and we did our Luke : If you don't mind, we'll be asking the version of "Endless Love"... which was ironic questions now. because two weeks later, I fell head over heels for a young square jawed rodeo ticket taker Gloria : I do mind. named Woody Ray. Oh, no. Of course, she was Luke : I apologize. devastated, just destroyed her. And then she Manny : We couldn't help ourselves. But I've spray painted something unrepeatable on my gotta know. Why were you hiding this? daddy's barn and never spoke to me again. Michael : Love this! Sold! Claire : Wow, and all because she wanted you to be something you just weren't. Luke : What's the story here? Gloria : I don't want to talk about it! Cameron : Mm hmm. Cameron : Aw! Cute! Claire : Yeah. Alex : Ugh. Stop. I get it. I know what you think Mitchell : Oh, where'd that come from? about Michael, Mom. You didn't have to bring in Manny : It's my mom's. She's being very cagey. your big gay guns to back you up. No offense. Luke : We think something's stashed in the Mitchell : None taken. head. It's from Colombia. Cameron : I kinda like it. Manny : Mom, what's the big deal? Claire : Okay. Honey, I am worried about you. I Gloria : Okay, fine. When I was young, I was in don't want you to get hurt. a beauty pageant. All the other girls, for their Mitchell : I told them that this was a bad idea, talent, were juggling knives, as they always do. But I wanted to stand out, so I came up with... all right? You know, maybe Michael's gay. Uncle Grumpy. Maybe he's not. He is. Your mother just wants you to have all the information so that that you Cameron : Okay. Never been so happy. Not can go slow. leaving till I see it. Hit it, Gloria. Alex : Uncle Mitchell, he's straight. We kissed. Woman : Excuse me, how much is this vase? Mitchell : Oh, honey, I... I kissed a lot of girls Claire : It's yours. Take it. So what do you need when I wanted to be straight. And your Uncle here? A stool? Glass of water? How do we make Cam kissed some, too, he says. But that's this happen? Let's go. I need to see this. neither here nor there. What's important is that Gloria : You see nothing. That pageant was one you make your own... where... wait, where are of the worst nights of my life. After weeks of you going? rehearsing, I froze, and we were speechless. Alex : It's not the olden days any more, you Mitchell : Aw, and you lost. guys. I can just ask him. Gloria : No. I won. Imagine this when I was 18. Mitchell : Hope you're happy. But it was very humiliating. I don't want to do it Cameron : I'm not. That "olden days" comment ever again. was like a punch to the gut. She may as well Michael : And yet, you kept him all these years. have spray painted it on my daddy's barn. Maybe there's a part of you that wants to work Mitchell : Yeah, I'm done with this. through this, get some closure. Cameron : Where's he going? Gloria : You're wrong, whoever you are. Man : Hey, you got any bread? I wanna make sure this thing still works. Phil : It's going on 31 minutes. I feel so alone. I Jay : Yeah, that' not gonna happen. gotta get my leg free. Why didn't I wear my Man : Oh, it doesn't have to be bread. I mean, I shants?! can get the information I need from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle. Alex : Hey, guys. Check it out. You like my new Jay : Look, kid, you're just gonna have to roll bracelet? the dice on this one. Cameron : Ooh, cute. Man : I don't know. What's your return policy? Jay : You return, I call the police. Where'd you Cameron : It's just a dramatic way of accusing get that? you... of stashing my fat pants in a bush! Man : From the kitchen. Saboteur! Jay : Give me that! Mitchell : That's a second way. Man : You selling the pot bellied pig? Cameron : How... could... you? Jay : Get out of my driveway. You're not a pig. Mitchell : And a third. You're Daddy's little girl. Cameron : Why, Mitchell? Why? Mitchell : Cam... oh, come on. All right, the... Alex : There you are. This is a little hard to say, but... Every time you get rid of these pants, you have to buy them all Michael : Hey. Sorry. I got lost in this "Elle over again, and you get depressed, all right? Decor." Justin Timberlake is designing his own This is just a way to have a safety net. home line, and I'm trying to reserve judgment. Cameron : I can't have a safety net, Mitchell. Alex : Michael I have to ask you something. I Otherwise, I won't be successful and keep the want you to know it's okay either way, but... Are weight off. Have you ever thought of that? you gay? Mitchell : No. No, I didn't. Michael : What? No! I'm not! I I took you to prom. I kissed you. Unless you're a boy, I'm Cameron : You know, you're not the only one pretty sure I'm straight. Are... are you a boy? who remembers all the times I failed. Alex : No. Mitchell : You're right. I I should support you more. I'm... I'm sorry. Michael : Right. So then I'm straight. Cameron : I'm happy to hear you say that. Alex : I didn't mean to make you mad. Mitchell : Well, I'm happy you're happy. Michael : I'm not mad. I'm just... Angry. Alex : Well, I hope you both are happy. Alex : I'm sorry. And those are synonyms. Michael's not gay. Now he hates me. Thanks a Michael : You just know everything today. Can lot. you just give me a minute? Mitchell : You see? This is exactly why I didn't Jay : Hey. Can I help you? want to get involved. Michael : Yeah. Why does everybody think I'm Cameron : Now I feel terrible. These feelings gay? would go good with pie. Jay : God, I hate yard sales. Claire : There he is! Sweetheart, do you love it? Gloria : Thank you. Phil : No, Claire, I do not love it. Luke : Sorry for snooping around and finding Claire : Oh, that's too bad 'cause you look so your old man doll. cool on that. Gloria : In Colombia, if you snoop around the Phil : Do I, Claire? Do I really? wrong box, you might end up inside that box. Claire : What happened? Luke : I shouldn't have done it. Now I feel bad Phil : It's a long story. Check your in box. But for Manny. suffice it to say, I'm not buying that motorcycle. Gloria : What do you mean? Claire : Uh huh. Luke : Well, I don't know. He's always talking Phil : I know what I am, Claire. I'm not a rider. about how brave you are, how you're not afraid I'm a strider. I hope that's sexy enough for you. of anything. Now... he just seems a little sad. Claire : Well, I can see stuff. Gloria : How sad? Phil : Yeah, I know. I can feel air on it. Mm. It's Luke : Don't worry. It's a good thing. He needs a not like I have another pair of pants. little dose of reality. You walk around school telling everyone how great your mommy is all Mitchell : Oh, uh, today is your lucky day. It's the time, you find yourself on the business end for a good cause. of a wedgie. Phil : Aw. Cameron : You might need a belt. Luke : I know how to push buttons to get what I Phil : Oh, I doubt it. I bet we wear the same size. want, and what I want is to see a puppet show. Cameron : Don't do that. Phil : Copy. Cameron : J'accuse! Mitchell : Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way. Mitchell : I'm sorry. One more time? Claire : I don't know. She looks okay. Cameron : Oh, looks like they made up. Claire : Hmm. If she would just listen to me, I could have avoid her so much pain. Mitchell : Give it a rest. She's 14, all right? No matter who that boy is, he's not gonna last. Claire : Mm, you're right. Cameron : Well, at least with a gay kid, you know she's gonna get a great flower arragement. Should've seen the one I made Annabelle. Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous... Till she pulled it apart and spelled "homo" on my porch. Claire : This doesn't make me feel any better. Gloria : Gather around everybody. I want you to meet somebody. Claire : Oh, but that might. Manny : Uncle Grumpy. Gloria : Luke's wise words got to me. I needed my son to respect me again. More than that, I needed to respect myself. Gloria : Holy maracas! I think I sat on the right lap! Uncle Grumpy, we're in public. Ay, look at all those white faces! I see we made it over the wall. Uncle Grumpy, are you in a bad mood? Damn right I am! I just came from the movies. A whole day's pay to see "Basic Instinct." Oh. And what did you think? Basically, it stinked. You're so grumpy. Damn right I am! I just met the girl of my dreams. Ay, that's such great news. No. She gave me the termites. Jay : Gloria, I'm just gonna... Oh, jeez. I don't even wanna know what this is. I'm outta here. Gloria : You're leaving? Jay : Damn right. The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion. Claire : Oh, my God. She married her puppet. Cameron : Uncle Grumpy! Phil : Can anyone hear me?! Please help me! I don't wanna die! If I had to make a playlist for being trapped under a motorcycle, it'd be, um... "Stuck In The Middle," "Hit The Road Jack," um, anything by Heavy D. Ooh, Pointer Sisters, "Neutron Dance." Turns out today wasn't the first day of the rest of my life. Oh, my goodness. There's some DVDs in a shoe box in, uh, my closet that I was holding for... a buddy. Um, you can go ahead and just throw the whole box away. I'm so hungry. I don't know how long I'm gonna be out here. I gotta ration my food. I said no tomatoes! 4x7 Arrested Jay : He died. Phil : Night. Gloria : Ay! Who died? Claire : No. Jay : An old friend of mine. Phil : Middle of the phone. I got it. Gloria : Ay, Jay, I'm so sorry. Claire : Get it. Jay : He died five years ago. Phil : Oh! My arm's asleep! My arm's asleep! Gloria : Then why are they calling us in the middle of the night to wake us up?! Claire : Get the phone. Phil, get the phone. Jay : Nobody died. Haley's in jail. Phil : Oh! Gloria : Okay. That makes more sense. Claire : That's me. Hello! Hi. Yes, this is she. Jay : Claire has to go bail her out. Phil : Who is it? Gloria : Okay. Give me that. Claire, listen to Claire : Okay. Oh, God. me... Take a lot of cash. And when you flash it Phil : Tell me what's happening here! to the police, do not speak about it. Let the eyes Claire : Haley has been arrested. do all the talking, okay? Phil : What? Manny : I heard the phone. Who died? Gloria : Jay's friend. Cameron : Phone! Phone. I bet that's mama. I Manny : Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry. was just dreaming it was raining chickens! Claire : Okay. I can't do this again. Mitchell, answer the phone! Mitchell : Look what I am doing. Look what I [OPENING CREDITS] am doing, huh? Hello? Claire : Hey, Mitchell. I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got arrested. Cameron : It's breakfast. It's breakfast time. It's breaky breaky time. Mitchell : Oh, God. Haley got arrested. Alex : Uncle Cam. I thought I heard your voice. Cameron : That explains the chickens. What are you doing here? Where are my parents? Mitchell : It does. It adds up. What did she get Cameron : Well, the school called, and your arrested for? sister won a big award. Claire : Oh, she got caught drinking at some Alex : Nice try. The only person who would party. Look, could you drive up to the college believe that would be Haley. with us? I think we're gonna need a lawyer. Lily : She's in jail. Mitchell : Yes, of course. And Cam and Lily can come over and stay with Alex and Luke. Alex : Jail? Cameron : I'll guard them with my life. Cameron : Lily, what did I say? Mitchell : Yeah, yeah. Lily : That it was only a matter of time. Claire : I hate to bother him. Cameron : Okay, no. Didn't say that. Okay, so here's the truth. Your sister was caught Mitchell : No, no, don't be silly. He's happy to drinking. But it's no big deal. Your parents are do it. Okay, we'll be over in a little bit. there taking care of it right now. So... Cameron : Okay. Oh, I get it. When you told Luke : This is so awesome! I hope she hits the Claire I would come over and watch the kids, weights so she's totally ripped when she gets out. she was resistant because she doesn't trustmy parenting skills. Cameron : Okay. Let's change the subject. Have a seat. Have some breakfast. See if there's Mitchell : No. Don't be silly. She just didn't anything on that plate you like a lot. want to put you out. Alex : Is this bacon? Cameron : She's got a daughter behind bars and she's got the nerve to say I'm a bad parent? Cameron : Of course it is, silly. You didn't defend me. Mitchell : Because she didn't say anything. Cameron : Been on a little bit of a health kick Cameron : Why are you protecting her? lately, so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is "fakon." It's like real bacon. Mitchell : Why is no one protecting me? No. Mitchell : Except for the look, the texture, and the taste. Gloria : Ay! Answer! Answer! Cameron : Maybe the store bought kind. But I Jay : This better be good. make my own, so it's not even real fakon. It's Claire : Haley got arrested for drinking. We faux fakon. "Faux kon." gotta go bail her out. Do you still have a Mitchell : It's faux kon disgusting. connection to that judge upstate? Cameron : You can't tell the difference. two tickets, so somebody's gonna be disappointed. Cameron : And guess which one's the real one? Jay : I think it's gonna be you. Mitchell : That one. That one. Still that one. Gloria : Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so tired. Jay : You just woke up. How are you tired? Luke : This is the best bacon I've ever had. Gloria : Maybe because I'm turning food into a Cameron : Oh, well. I can't wait to tell your human! Jay will take you. Uncle Mitchell that you love it. Jay : Sorry, I would love to go to the spoken Alex : Why would Uncle Mitch care? word festival, but I'm already going to the I'd Cameron : Because, my dear, that bacon you're rather blow my brains out jamboree. eating isn't bacon at all, no, no, no. It's made Manny : I can't believe this. I'm living in a entirely of soy. cultural wasteland. Alex : Luke's allergic to soy! His throat closes! Jay : With a heated pool. He can't breathe! Gloria : Manny, vamos. You're gonna be late for Mitchell : Hello? school. Cameron : Never mind! Okay, okay. We have to, Jay : Oh, jeez. Hello, DeDe. uh, get you to the, uh, hospital! Dede : Good morning, Jay. Namaste. Alex : Lily! Come on, baby. Jay : Let's not do this. Cameron : Okay, Luke! Put the fakon down! Dede : Oh, fine, silly. I'm on my way to a retreat Luke : I'm using it to scratch my throat! in Ojai, and since I'm passing through town, I Cameron : Okay. Okay. Let's go. Come on. Go. thought I'd pick up that photo album. Jay : You know, it's really not a good time. Mitchell : Cam? C Cam? That was weird. Hey, Dede : Oh, please. Claire, do you wanna pick it up a little bit? Jay : All right. I'll meet you on the street. Drive Since when do you drive the speed limit? by slow with the window open. Claire : My daughter has been arrested for drinking. I would like her to sit in jail and think about that. As a matter of fact, I might stop and Jay : I was dreading DeDe finding out that do a little outlet shopping. Who wants a pair of Gloria's pregnant. It's the one thing DeDe's last year's sunglasses, huh? hung on to, that she's the mother of my kids. And considering their history... Phil : Honey... Try to relax. Claire : I don't feel like relaxing, Phil! She has been in college for six weeks. Dede : I I wanna... rip your head off! Phil : Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at Phil : No! Please stop it! first. I remember one night freshman year, a Gloria : Eh? No! DeDe! bunch of us on the frisbee golf team got a case of zima. Enough zaid. Jay : I wasn't exactly looking forward to round Claire : More than enough. four, especially now that Gloria's a bigger, slower target. Claire : I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes it bothers me how calm Phil is under pressure. It's like... Phil : I'd normally be having breakfast right now. Like I'm the one who's overreacting. Claire : Hi, dad. Phil : That's good. Let it out. It's g... Jay : Hey, Claire. Any updates? Claire : I'm going to kill you. Claire : Not yet, but we're almost there. Jay : Last time you were over at the house, you Gloria : Jay, do you have some time today? We were looking at that photo album. What'd you need to go and pick out a stroller. do with it? Jay : Just get whatever you want. I mean, it's Mitchell : Oh, dad, that was me. I think I put it what you're gonna do anyway. on the shelf behind the bar. Gloria : What I want is a husband who likes to Jay : What are you doing there? go shopping for a stroller with me. Mitchell : They asked me to come along in case Jay : If you had a husband who liked picking they needed a lawyer. out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby. Jay : Shouldn't they have a real lawyer? Manny : So who wants to come with me to the Phil : Oh, God. Should we? spoken word festival this evening? I only have Mitchell : I am a real lawyer, people. Mitchell : I'm Mitchell Pritchett. I'm miss Environmental law is a thing. Dunphy's attorney. Jay : Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean Police Officer : She won't be needing a lawyer someone who doesn't defend pandas. today. Mitchell : Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do. I I Mitchell : Oh, I think I'll be the judge of that. I'd defend pandas in court. like to confer with my client now. Thank you. Phil : That's adorable. Police Officer : All you have to do is post bail, Jay : You know what I'm talking about. Haley and she's all yours. needs somebody who knows criminal law, like Mitchell : Really? Oh. That... that's fantastic. Perry Mason. Claire : Sir, I am in no mood to defend my Mitchell : Okay, so I'm not a real lawyer, but daughter today, believe me. Okay. But do you Perry Mason is? think it is the best use of resources to lock up Jay : Oh, hell. Hello, DeDe. How you doing? college kids who've had a few drinks? Dede : Oh, mostly fine. I have something called Police Officer : Ma'am, your daughter was a telescoping uterus. Long story. charged with resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer. Jay : Aw, jeez. Claire : What? Phil : Oh. Cameron : Out of my way! Out of my way! Mitchell : You probably should have called a Luke : I can't breathe! real lawyer, 'cause I don't... I'm not... Cameron : This boy can't breathe. He's having a Claire : Shh! severe allergic reaction. Luke : No. You're squeezing me. Phil : Look, this has gotta be some kind of Cameron : He needs medicine. His throat is mistake. Our daughter's tiny. There's no way closing up. she assaulted anyone. Insulted, maybe. Was... Nurse : Okay. Hold on. We have an allergic was the cop wearing white socks and dark shoes? reaction. A young boy. Obstructed breathing. 'Cause that really sets her off. What happened? Police Officer : Maybe you should watch this. Cameron : Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon... That was so good, he couldn't tell the difference. Mitchell, I can't talk right now. Police Officer : Stop! Put your hands where I can see 'em! Claire : Cam, it's Claire. My phone died. I just wanted to make sure the kids got to school okay. Oh, yeah, of course they did. Why wouldn't they Mitchell : Okay. Now that's very blurry footage. have? How can we be sure that that's Haley? Orderly : I hear we got a boy who can't breathe? Alex : Right here. Police Officer : Don't you move. Claire : What was that? Haley : Don't hurt me! I'm just a student! I'm Cameron : Oh, I'm just watching an original Haley Dunphy! lifetime movie called "The boy who can't breathe." Claire : So hot. Hot in here... no. Claire : That sounded like Alex. Cameron : Nope. Just Amanda Bynes. Okay, Alex : How long is this gonna take? I should be gotta go. in school. I'm missing biology right now. Claire : Cam. Cam? That's weird. Cameron : You're in a hospital. Just step out Phil : Can you believe how many waffle places into the hallway. Listen to the nurses and we passed? doctors talk. You'll learn more about science Mitchell : I can't believe how much dad belittles and humanity here than you would in a me. classroom in an entire semester. Phil : What were there? Five? Six? Nurse : Attention! If there's a yogurt in the fridge that says "Theresa," then only Theresa Mitchell : I edited the law review. I passed the gets to eat it! bar on my first try. I have a briefcase. Cameron : Drama. Soak it in. Phil : I'm counting them on the way back. Alex : Oh, good God. Claire : Can we focus? Cameron : Okay, Luke, the opening is supposed Phil : Uh, hi. We're here for Haley Dunphy. to be in the back. Luke : No way. I don't want people to see my butt. Do I have to get another shot? Dede : It's what it sounds like. It literally Lily : Are you going to cry again? telescopes. You see, what happens is... Luke : Should she be here? Jay : Dede, I hate to rush this, but I'm late for a Cameron : Okay. You know what? Nobody's meeting. getting any more shots. We just have to wait for Dede : Oh. the swelling to go down. All right? I'm gonna go Jay : And it's been great seeing you, but can I check on a little paperwork. I'll be right back. walk you out? Alex : But if it doesn't go down, that leg might Dede : Okay. Sure. have to come off. Gloria : Ay, Jay, it's so weird. The moment I Luke : Sweet. Take them both. Then I could get came through the door, the baby started kicking some of those blade legs and finally be able to like crazy, like it's trying to claw its way out of dunk. me. Bruja! Doctor : How you feeling, champ? What do we Dede : Oh, my God. got here? The patient presents bronchial inflammation, dermal pruritus, and minor Gloria : What is she doing here? angioedema. Who can tell me the cause? Dede : You're going to have a baby? I don't believe it. Alex : It's an allergic reaction to soy. Jay : Uh, Dede, don't get all crazy about this. Doctor : Very good. The rest of you have a lot to What's happening? learn. Let's keep moving. Gloria : Her brain. It snapped. Alex : Stay with Luke. Dede : Oh! You're going to be a father again at your age. And here you were thinking you would Phil : What is taking so long? just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful Mitchell : Well, in my experience, these things young wife, not a care in the world. This is can take time. So... settle in. This... this could fantastic! I think my uterus just fixed itself. be a while. Jay : Don't ask. Phil : There she is. Mitchell : Damn it. Mitchell : Who lives like this? When I had a Claire : Oh, thank God. You're okay? dorm room, it was... Oh... it was spotless. Can Haley : Yeah, I'm fine, mom. we just agree that girls are dirtier than boys? Claire : Oh! What the hell were you thinking? Claire : What should we do? Phil : What happened? Mitchell : Well, I'd like to start by picking up some of these clothes. Then... Haley : It's not a big deal, okay? There was a party, and people were drinking... So the police Claire : I meant about the hearing, Felix. Do we showed up, and everybody ran, so I did, too. have a game plan? And I started climbing down this fire escape... Phil : I think the best thing we can do is walk in And then I heard a cop yell to put your hands there as a family and let them know we support up, so I did and I fell... onto him. Haley no matter what. Claire : You could have been killed. Haley, Claire : At this rate, we are going to be you're supposed to be an adult. How could you supporting Haley for the rest of our lives. do something so childish... Mitchell : Okay. Oh, I... I just sat on half a Phil : Okay, okay, okay, okay. peach, so I... no. I can't do this. I'm... I'm Claire : And so stupid? waiting outside. Disgusting. Phil : Let's calm down. We're all a little tired and Claire : What are you wearing? cranky. Best thing we can do right now is get Haley : What? What's wrong with it? out of here, go get some waffles... Claire : Honey, you are fighting for your future Claire : I don't want waffles, Phil, okay? I'm in front of a disciplinary committee, not upset and I want to deal with this. entertaining the secret service. Mitchell : All right, I got some bad news here. Haley : In "Legally blonde," Elle won her case Um, this afternoon, Haley has to appear before a because she was true to herself and dressed disciplinary board, which will decide whether or cute. not she gets kicked out of school. Phil : Haley, this is real life, not an excellent Claire : : What? movie. Phil : Ohh. Claire : Honey, just put on something else, and Mitchell : Oh, wait. Wait, no. I got that wrong. take down the makeup. Oh, no, I got it right! Yes! Score. 1 for me. Haley : Why are you guys acting like this is my Dede : Oh, so I guess I was better at late night fault? Everybody was drinking, everybody ran. I feedings and cleaning spit up, too. just got caught. If anything, I'm the victim here. Gloria : You know what? He wouldn't help me Phil : What?! Just stop... just stop talking, pick up a stroller or a blanket or a bouncy chair. Haley. You're not the victim here. You're the one Dede : Oh, well, I had to get that stuff on my who screwed up! You made one bad decision own. He was just useless. after another, and now you're about to blow Gloria : You poor thing. Makes all sense now everything your mother and I worked so hard to why you became so crazy. give you. And the worst thing is, you don't seem to care. We all got up at 3:00 A.M. this morning Dede : Right? to bail you out of jail! We haven't eaten a thing, Gloria : Listen to me, Jay Pritchett. If you don't and you know what I haven't heard from you yet? change your useless ways, you're gonna make "I'm sorry, mom. I screwed up, dad. Please me crazy, too! Like DeDe! forgive me." Now put on some real clothes. We'll Jay : Gloria. Gloria. I just love our little visits. see you at the hearing. Do not be late! Come on. Manny : Mom, I'm home! Haley : Where are you going? Dede : Oh, hi, Manny. Claire : To get that man a waffle. Manny : Dede. How are you? Dede : Good. Gloria : There. There. Did you feel it kicking? Manny : Dede. It's me. How are you really? Dede : Oh, yes! Oh, I remember those. Yeah, Claire kicked me as soon as she grew legs, and Dede : I'm on a better path. she didn't stop until she was 4. Manny : It's a journey. Gloria : Not Manny. He was so calm, I think Dede : Thank you for asking, Manny. And thank that he was reading in there. you for your letters. Jay : This is beautiful. Look at you two, having Manny : It's a lost art. No one puts pen to paper a conversation like old friends. anymore. Gloria : Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's not choking me. Dean Miller : Haley Dunphy? Dede : I'm sorry. I went through a bad patch Haley : Yes, that's me. there when I was trying to find the right balance Dean Miller : I'm Dean Miller with admissions. with my meds. I recently discovered my cat This is Professor Williams. Frances buried in the backyard. I'm just praying that she died first. Haley : Hi. Gloria : Maybe you can dogsit for the shoe eater Dean Miller : And this is our student one day. representative, Aidan Feldman. Dede : Oh, well, she is a... funny looking thing. Haley : Nice to meet you. Jay : Don't listen to them. You're beautiful. Aidan : Seriously? We sit next to each other in Econ. Haley : Oh, right. You... Jay : Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made Dede think of her as less trophy, more Aidan : Don't. It insults both of us. Mostly me. human. And all the animosity she had for Gloria Dean Miller : Move it along, Aidan. This is a just wafted up in the air... disciplinary hearing, not JDate. Aidan : You are charged with public Dede : I hope you're hiring a nanny, because drunkenness, resisting arrest, and assaulting a this one won't lift a finger. police officer, all of which obviously violate our school's code of conduct. Mitchell : Sir, if I may speak on behalf of my Jay : And landed right on top of me. client... Aidan : Who are you? Dede : I don't remember him changing a single Mitchell : I'm Mitchell Pritchett, I'm miss diaper. Dunphy's attorney. Jay : What's that supposed to mean? You can't Aidan : We require students to speak for even remember killing your cat. themselves. There are no attorneys allowed. You Dede : Oh, I don't think I did. But I'm sure that shouldn't even be here. you never changed any diapers. Mitchell : What if I just sat in this chair and I Jay : It's just that you were better at it than I was really super quiet and I just listen? was. Aidan : I'll allow it. Dean Miller : Knock it off, Aidan. Miss Dunphy, here! I can't do this on my own, and you did this is there anything you would like to say in your to me, so you're going to be here this time! defense? Jay : Back then, we were living paycheck to Haley : Actually, I have no defense. I was paycheck. The reason I wasn't around is I was drinking. I am underage. I ran from the police. working all the time. Believe me, Dede wasn't And even though it was an accident, I injured an the only one having sleepless nights. But now officer. I am very, very sorry. I've made a lot of it's different. Now I can help you with everything. bad decisions since I've been here, and it's time I Gloria : Really? take some responsibility. Like sometimes in the Jay : Let's start right now. I like that one. dining hall, I slip my pinky under the scale when they weigh my salad. Also, I've missed Gloria : Which one? more morning classes than I've been to. Jay : That silver stroller. Phil : She's kidding. Gloria : No, we're going to get the green one. Haley : I don't know what the policy is on dating Jay : Great. What's next? How about I pick out T.A.S, but I think I broke it. the wrong crib? Phil : Huh? Haley : Twice. Cameron : How you doing, Alex? Phil : Oh, man. Alex : I'm fine, except for the crushing blow of Haley : Oh, and if we're gonna be completely knowing I'll never be a doctor. Or have a baby. I honest, on my application to get in here, I lied wonder what's going on with Haley. about the fact that I was... Cameron : I don't know. I've been so petty Phil : Uh, objection! about your mom judging my parenting, I haven't even thought about what she's going through Aidan : On what grounds? today. I feel awful. You know what? I should call Mitchell : Oh, he gets to say it?! He gets to... her. Dean Miller : Miss Dunphy, miss Dunphy, we Alex : What are you talking about? Mom thinks appreciate your... candor. Is there anything else you're a great parent. you'd like to add? Cameron: She does? Haley : Go, Wildcats? Luke : Yeah, she just thinks you can't bake. Dean Miller : Oh, boy. Claire : Hello? Aidan : That's not even our mascot. Cameron : Never mind. Lily : What does this do? Gloria : Making a child is the easy part. The Luke : I don't know, but thanks to Obama, hard part is everything that comes after. you're paying for it. Keeping them safe... Cameron : Hey. You're looking a lot better. How you feeling? Cameron : Well, you can tell your mother that Luke : Better than kidney stones over there. my scones are appropriately crunchy on the Cameron : Yeah, you know what? Now that outside while delightfully dense on the ins... you're doing better, I think I should call your Saw that. Saw it. mom and tell her what happened. You know, I know it was a bit of a rough ride in the beginning, but the important thing is, is I Gloria : Making sacrifices for them... handled it. And everybody's okay. Luke : What happened to her? Jay : Hey, kid. I'll take you to that poetry reading thing tonight. Mitchell : Hello? Manny : Actually, Dede and I were just talking. Orderly : She passed out watching a C Section. She's a huge fan of spoken word... Mitchell : Cam? Dede : And I would love to escort him. Cameron : Never mind! Gloria : Please. Jay : Go! Jay : What are you looking for? Gloria : Nothing! I am making a lot of noise Gloria : And standing by them, even when they because I'm angry! let you down. Jay : Gloria, I'm gonna help you with the baby. Haley : I really am sorry. Gloria : I am not young like with Manny. I am Claire : We appreciate that. tired already, and it's gonna get harder from Phil : It's good that you stepped up today. Claire : Yeah. Sometimes it's healthy to get a fresh start. Haley : Ugh. I can't believe this. What am I gonna do? Phil : Well, they said you could reapply next year. Claire : In the meantime, you're gonna get a job and you're gonna take some classes. Haley : Well, I'm gonna buckle down and get a lot more serious. Phil : Good for you. Where are my keys? Haley : Oh, they're right there on the makeup table. Claire : Oh, honey... That's a desk. Alex : Oh, my God. Haley : What are you doing here? I got kicked out. So go ahead, make your jokes. Get it out of your system. Alex : No, that's horrible. I'm so sorry. It'll be fine. I'm sure of it. Haley : Thank you. Ew, what did you do to my room?! Alex : Well, it's not exactly your room. It's... it's mine. Haley : This goes. This goes. I hate that. This is ugly. Alex : Haley, stop! Haley : Mom! Alex : Mom! Haley : What is this? A solar system? Alex : It's molecules. Haley : They're nerdy balls. Luke : Alex, don't fight with her. She might have a shiv. We cool? 4x8 Mistery Date Phil : And we have... lift off. Yello, house of the Manny : Oh, my God. Did you see that? She future. smiled at me. Claire : Phil, you have two whole days to Luke : People get that way in dance season. yourself. Please tell me you're not gonna spend Manny : No girl's ever smiled at me like that. them trying to wire the house to your iPad. Luke, we have to go to that bar mitzvah. Phil : Nope, 'cause I've already done it. I think Luke : Why? when you get home, you're gonna be very Manny : There was a connection. I know this surprised to see that this house has an actual sounds crazy, but I feel like my whole life has functioning brain in it. led to this moment. Claire : Great. Great. Now go out and see some Luke : You made a very similar speech to get my friends. mom to stop for those churros. Phil : I'm headed out now. I have a third Manny : Luke, I need you for this. You're showing at that colonial. Cam gave me a free sneakier than I am. You're a bigger liar. You pass to his gym. I am... not too bright. I am... have no moral compass. dim! Luke : Look, thanks for all the compliments, but Claire : Honey, if you could hear yourself. breaking into one stupid party? That's not even Promise me you'll go outside and play. a challenge. Phil : Miss you, too. Phil Dunphy, this is the Manny : Oh, no. Three bar mitzvahs? year 2025. Welcome. You're the first one here. Luke : Now it's interesting. [OPENING CREDITS] Mitchell : Cam, stop. Cameron : What? We have to get them out of Luke : Shall we hit the waterslide first? there. What's taking them? Manny : I may just sit in the room for a bit. Luke : Stop moping! So you didn't get a date to Cameron : We have the most amazing gift for one stupid dance. Jay and Gloria's nursery. Manny : It's not one stupid dance. It's the Mitchell : It was Cam's idea, and it's a pretty kickoff to the whole dance season. big swing. Luke : It's like you've never heard boys talk. Cameron : It's not a swing. It's not a swing. I Claire : Hi! We are here for the academic just need Jay and Gloria out of the house for a challenge. It's under "Dunphy." Or it could be minimum of four hours so I can have my crew under "returning champion." Not sure how they install it. file these things. Mitchell : Simple. Cameron : Please. If it were up to you, we'd get Claire : Alex wins things, which is great. But them something off their gift registry. she puts so much pressure on herself. I... I Mitchell : You mean the list of things that they almost wish she would lose this year. Plus, that specifically said that they wanted? way, I could go on the waterslide. It's got a corkscrew, 2 second freefall, and a radar gun at Cameron : They don't know what they want. the bottom. I'm Phil. Jay : ...before I snap his finger off! Claire : Nothing from the minibar, and no pay Gloria : Ay, no. Jay was supposed to cancel. We per view. cannot go to lunch. Manny : Can we at least... Cameron : No. Claire : No, you may not send things out for Gloria : I am sorry, but he's supposed to pick pressing. Honey, we have an hour until the up the crib at the store, and I am too tired. The competition. Do you want to go to the baby kicked me all night. It's either going to be a contestants mixer? football player or a chorus girl. Alex : No, I don't want to humanize them. Cameron : You can be both. My senior year, I was a right side linebacker and a left side cancan dancer in "Gigi." Girl #1 : Can you believe this is my first bar mitzvah? Mitchell : She really set you up for that one, didn't she? Girl #2 : You'll love it. I heard the gift bags have smartphones. Cameron : Yeah, when it came out of her mouth, I nearly stopped breathing. Girl #1 : Jewish people are so awesome. Gloria : You didn't call them to cancel. Jay : Sorry. You want gas money? watch it at my place. I could text you the Gloria : Don't pay attention to him. He's been address. very grumpy lately. Dave : All right. Well, thanks. It was great Cameron : Okay, here's a thought. Mitchell, you meeting you, Phil. go to the crib store with Jay. That way I can Phil : You, too, Dave. spend some quality time with this pretty lady. Dave : Hey, it's me. Yeah, you were totally right Gloria : No, I'm going to lay down. about this gym. I just met the cutest guy. Cameron : No, no, I'm gonna take you both to Cameron : What did I tell you? That place is like lunch. Okay? There, it's settled. Now go put a lip a gay bar with dumbbells. on. Okay? Dave : Redundant. Well, I don't know much Jay : Fine. I guess you won't get in the way. about him, but he invited me over to his place to Mitchell : You mean it, pa? Really and for true? watch a football game tonight. I won't get in the way? Cameron : Oh, my gosh, a date. I have a good feeling about this. Mom : That's a good idea. Dave : Well, don't start planning the wedding yet. I mean, I'm not even sure if it's a date date. Claire : Yeah. The chairs are rocks. Cameron : You met him at hook up central. Of Boy : Charlemagne. course it's a date date. Claire : You can get a 1 day cushion for $8, or a Dave : Am I even ready for a date date? 2 day for $12. Cameron : Tough love time, David, Simon left Jury : Alex Dunphy. you six months ago, and you're bumming Claire : Last year, I got 2 1 dayers big mistake. everyone out. It's time to get back up on that Jury : Who wrote the 95 theses? horse. Claire : My daughter went on to win the whole Phil : Hope to see you tonight, Dave. thing, and all I could think was "I just flushed Cameron : I can't remember the last time a man $4 down the toilet." made that sound for me. Alex : John Calvin. Claire : Whoo, Alex! I guess I just didn't want to Manny : She's not here. We have the wrong bar presume that we would be here for the two days. mitzvah. But still, what kind of message was I sending Luke : Not if you like prime rib, bubbie. ou said with the 1 dayer? to blend. I picked up some expressions at the Alex : You "whoo'd" me? latke station. P.S. they're hash browns. Claire : What are you doing here? Manny : We're not blending. She's at one of the Alex : I'm out. I got the question wrong, which is other two. Come on. Sorry. embarrassing enough without you "whoo ing" Luke : Such a hurry, this one. me! Manny : Come on. Claire : Alex! Alex, come back here. Don't! Mitchell : That's too cute. Dave : Wait, what are the last four numbers Jay : What the hell is that? again? Mitchell : That's the store mascot. That's Hugga Phil : 1 9 8 4. It's kind of a lucky number for Bunny. He goes around and he hugs... me. It's the year "Footloose" came out. Jay : No, I get it. Nice for flu season. He ought Dave : Yeah. And I really am gonna call you for to be called conjunctivitis bunny. that rematch. Mitchell : Okay. So, dad, the cribs are over Phil : Anytime. I mean, not super late, but... there, but while we're here, a little advice, you Wait, you're a bulldog? can never have too many onesies. All right? Any Dave : Yeah. You? event, day or night. Throw one on, little pair of Phil : I knew there was something about you I booties, boom ready to go out. Dress it up, you liked. could dress it down. You could... Dad? Dad? Dave : You mean besides me letting you win? Phil : You know, we have a big game today. You Mitchell : Something was clearly going on with wanna watch it together? my dad, but I wasn't about to get sucked in. It's Dave : Oh, hu... Well... happened before. "Dad, you seem sad. Do you wanna talk?" "Talk?! What are we, girlfriends?" Phil : Shoot. I'm... I'm late for a showing. No To use a sports reference, put the football away, pressure at all, but if you feel like it, we could Lucy. I ain't kickin'. Jay : So Saturday noon? Phil : Good. By the way, I left a message for my Jensen : Saturday noon's fine, Jay. brother in law and his partner to join us, too. Mitchell : Dad, I picked you up a diaper bag. Dave : More people. Good. Nice house, by the Fun fact... this insulated pouch will keep a way. bottle of prosecco cold for an entire Wiggles Phil : Thanks. concert. Dave : Wait a minute. Is that your family? Are Jay : Mitch, it's doctor... you married? Jensen : Bob Jensen. Nice to meet you. Jay, I Phil : Yeah, but don't worry. We have the house will see you. to ourselves. They're all out of town. I am long Jay : Yeah, I'll see you then. Good, Bob. overdue for a boys' night. Dave : So your wife is okay with... Mitchell : Doctor? Sweater vest? My dad acting Phil : Oh yeah. She suggested it. She knows I all shifty? He was seeing a shrink. "Dad, I can need this every so often. Long as I clean up see that you're going through something." "And I afterwards, she's fine. You ready for a margarita? can see your bra strap, Oprah. Mind your own Dave : Sure. business." Tee up the football all you want, Lucy. Still ain't kickin'. Cameron : Soothing, right? You see, as the music relaxes the baby, you relax. Claire : She clearly misheard the question. The Gloria : No, you're making the baby jump on my acoustics in here are terrible. Especially for a bladder. How can it relax listening to a song little girl just getting over an ear infection. about a hooker? Alex : Oh, my God, what are you doing? Cameron : She's not a hooker, she's a private Claire : I was explaining your... dancer. A dancer for money. She'll do what you Alex : I heard, because my ears are fine. I'm want her to... Oh, my gosh, I taught Lily this sorry. I didn't ask her to do this. song. Excuse me. Hello? Claire : I'm trying to help you. Dave : He's married. To a woman. Yeah, she's out of town. I don't know. They must have some Alex : You were not. You were trying to help you. sort of arrangement or something. You're just mad because now you can't parade me around like some show pony. Cameron : So what? If they know about it, who cares? You're not ready for a relationship Claire : That is not true. anyway. Just have some fun. Alex : Don't deny it. You bought the 2 day Dave : It feels weird. He has other people cushion. coming over. I think I'm gonna bail on this. Claire : Who are you to judge? Cameron : He's just feeling you out like you're feeling him out. I promise you, these other Gloria : Thank you for a fun day, okay? Good guests will mysteriously cancel. Hold on just a bye. second, sweetie. Hello? Cameron : Good bye? Phil : Hey, you guys still coming? Gloria : Ay, Cam, sorry, but the lunch was two Cameron : Oh, I forgot to call you. We have to hours, and then you had to show me your first cancel. apartment. Phil : No problem. Bye. More margaritas for us. Cameron : Could you believe how I used to live? The other guys just cancelled. Gloria : I really need to take a nap now. Cameron : Are you still there? Cameron : No. No, no. No. No. No, no. You Dave : You were right. The other guys just know what? I have, something I want you to do cancelled. that's even more relaxing than a nap. Cameron : See? Now listen to me. You're gonna Gloria : No. I want to take a nap. have two margaritas. Maybe start a third. Laugh at his jokes. But not in that high falsetto thing. Something more manly. Let's practice. Phil : There's my man. Dave : I'm not gonna laugh for you. You can be Dave : That's me. Your man. I brought spinach very controlling, you know that? dip. I don't know why. Cameron : Why does everybody say I'm Phil : I'll tell you why. 'Cause it's delicious, and controlling? you're an awesome guest. Get in here. Dave : Gotta go. Dave : All right. Phil : Looks like this kennel is for bulldogs only. Phil : How are you? You all right? Dave : Good. You? Dave : Yeah, I'm all right. I'm great. Phil : Oh, good. Jury : Tritium is an isotope of what element? Dave : Listen, I I don't want this to sound weird, Alex : Hydrogen. but, um... But you and I, tonight... Is this, uh... Claire : But do I need that to make myself feel Phil : Sorry, Dave, what was that? important? Absolutely not. Dave : Nothing. Jury : No, the answer is hydrogen. Phil : Here you go. Claire : As a matter of fact, I'm a little hurt you would think I was so shallow. Clerk : For a small fee, we can come to your Jury : The persian satrapy of Skudra included house and assemble it for you. which two areas? Mitchell : Yeah, my dad's more of a do it Alex : Macedonia and Thrace. yourself er, plus he's not one for strangers in his Claire : I know moms like that, and that is not personal space. me. No way. Clerk : All right. Well, can I help you carry it to Jury : Macedonia and Thrace. your car? Claire : Are you freaking kidding me?! Mitchell : Yeah, he's not gonna go for that, Macedonia and Thrace? What even is that?! either. The guy won't even use the wheels on his You're hardly even listening! How could we lose suitcase. Likes everyone to think he's this big, this?! I said "we." tough guy who... Okay. Alex : Yeah. You do that sometimes. Jay : There he is. All right. Let's get this done. Claire : I'm so sorry. I am one of those moms. I Mitchell : Dad, you know... like it too much when you win. I really love Jay : No, we don't need any help, Mitchell. Just lording it over the other moms. pick up your end. Alex : Well, in our house, I'm kind of your only Mitchell : Dad, stop, stop, stop. source for that. Jay : What? A break already? Claire : You're telling me. Haley e mails me pictures of her nails. And Luke asked me if he's Mitchell : Dad, you're obviously going through part owl. something. Look, you do not have to go through this alone. I'm here to talk if you want. Alex : He does get his head pretty far around. Jay : That's really nice of you, Mitchell, but do Claire : Alex, I'm so sorry. you wanna do it here? 'Cause I saw a little Alex : It's okay. Maybe you do put pressure on princess table with a tea set on it. You and I me, but it's nothing compared to what I put on could have a real gab fest. myself. I guess I needed somebody to blame for what happened today, and there you were. Mitchell : I'm such a blockhead. Claire : You know I'm in awe of you, right? Come on. I know a back way out of this place. Alex : Wait. Don't you have to return that? Jay : Can't we just get this into the car? Claire : No way. I paid good money for this. Mitchell : Why? So you're not late for your We're taking it down the waterslide. shrink session? Alex : Okay. Jay : What? Mitchell : Yeah. I picked up on that. Bunny hugger! Saw that, too. Mobile spinner. I swear to Manny : How can she not be here, either? This God... is hopeless. Luke : Have a little faith. Did the Jews give up when the Egyptians chased them to the banks Claire : What are you doing back here?! of the red sea? Alex : I didn't have the room key, and I don't Many : How do you know all this stuff? want to be seen in public. Luke : Was I the only one listening to Uncle Claire : I thought about what you said before... Menachem's toast? Jury : When did China's last emperor ascend Manny : Well, I'm glad it worked out for the the throne? ancient Jews, but at the moment I don't see God Alex : 1909. doing me any... Claire : And you can say a lot of things about Luke : Look! me, but I am not someone who lives through her Security Guy : I'm not gonna embarrass you, kids. but you got one minute to get out of here. You, Jury : Sorry. It's 1909. too. Claire : Do I like to see you succeed? Of course I do! Luke : It's for the best. All this sneaking around Cameron : I guess all told, we had about 50 was kind of weighing on me. Let's just grab our chickens. Maybe 115 head of hogs. Let's see, 55 gift bags and go. cattle. You know what'll be fun? Let's see if I can Manny : No. I still have 50 seconds. remember all their names. There was... Albert, Lisa, Steph, and Mike Gloria! No, Gloria! Gloria! Gloria : No. I do not want to hear one more Manny : Excuse me. My name is Manny story. I am going to take a nap now. Delgado, and I've been searching for you since you smiled at me in the lobby today, maybe even Cameron : Okay, yeah, sure. Whatever you my whole life. It's too late for us to have the want. This day's about you. Just one more thing. magical night I was hoping for, but it's not too Gloria : No, no one more thing! late for us to have a memento of what might Cameron : I just wanted to take a picture, you have been. I'll be waiting. know, to commemorate our special day. Gloria : Okay, fine! Take the picture! Jay : Okay, Mitch. Cameron : No, not here. The lighting's terrible. I Mitchell : Too late. Not interested. was thinking we could take it... in your new Jay : Now listen. nursery! Mitchell : Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna Gloria : No, Cam. No. go out the back. Cameron : But, Gloria, come. Jay : Door, sunroof, all on lockdown. Okay, look, Gloria : Somebody has to tell you this. No. You that guy you met today he is a shrink. But I try to control everything. You take over people's don't see him all the time. You mom and I saw lives! It's always too much with you! him a little before the divorce. But every now Cameron : You know, maybe we should talk and then, something comes up for me, and I go about this out in the hallway. in for a tune up. Gloria : Why, because there's gonna be better Mitchell : If you're waiting for me to ask what's lighting over there? You're doing it again, Cam. going on with you, you just better keep waiting, You're doing it again! 'cause I learned my lesson. Cameron : You're right. I am too much. I do Jay : I'm down about something. Something I control. I do barge. I'll have my friend Abelard knew was coming, and now it's finally come back and paint over it. happening. We're turning my office into the Gloria : So this is why you kept me outside all nursery today. day? So that your friend Aburar could come and Mitchell : You've been moping around like you paint a present? lost your platoon over a room? Cameron : Yeah, rather than getting you a gift Jay : Not just a room. It's the only place in this off your registry like a normal person. I'm so house where I can still close the door and read a stupid. book or have a drink. Everything in there was Gloria : I love it! mine. Who cares? Everybody's got their problems. Cameron : You do? Mitchell : No. Gloria : It's just like you, full of color... And life... and love. Jay : You know, I can still open my door. You just locked yourself back in. Cameron : I really did think you'd love it. Mitchell : Look, dad, I... I had to give up my Jay : What's going on up here? What the... home office for Lily's bedroom, and I was upset Mitchell : Okay, that was not my idea. I told about it, too. Snwa't hugging bunnies, but... Cam... I told him that's a lot to put on Jay : All right. someone's wall. Mitchell : I I realize that it wasn't about an Jay : Hold on. I like it. office or a room. It was about how Lily was Cameron : Really? gonna change everything. But once we got her in Jay : Thanks, Cam. there, I don't know. I I just I never looked back. Mitchell : You actually... Jay : Yeah, I guess I'm just nervous about everything, you know. Thanks, kid. You know, Jay : Makes it easier to give up the room. I'm just recalling me grumbling about giving up my MG Roadster when you and Claire came Phil : That's close. Guy was an inch out of along. Great car. No backseat. bounds. Time out. You know what? I'm not Mitchell : Isn't it funny? The stupid things that gonna be able to relax until I get this out of the we think... way. Dishwasher. Pretty cool, huh? Jay : She was my baby. ...are so important. Dave : Yeah. It is. Hey; do you think... Mind if I freshen this? Phil : Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allow me. Your hand's shaking. Remember, Dave, it's just a game. Dave : Oh, God! Oh, my God! Phil : My gosh. Come here. Dave : It's all right. I'm... I'm just a little wet. Phil : No, you're drenched. You can't sit in that. You know what? Take that off. I'll throw 'em both in the dryer and get us a couple of clean ones. Dave : Okay. Phil : Yeah. Dave : Well, I guess this is something we're doing. Phil : Interception! Interception! Come on, buddy! Dave : Come on! Phil : Come on! Come on, buddy! Touchdown! Dave : Yeah! Phil : How exciting is this?! Dave : It's been so long. Phil : What's happening? Dave : Nothing. My car keys. Phil : Shoot. The TV went off. Must have screwed something up. You know what? It doesn't matter. There's another one upstairs. How about we head up to the bedroom for some halftime festivities? Dave : Okay. Phil : Let's do this. I'd forgotten how much fun this can be. We should make this a regular thing. Dave : Phil, Phil, wait. I think I'd better just head home. Phil : What? Dave : I'm just coming out of a long term relationship, and I guess I'm still pretty fragile. It's not that I haven't had a... a great time. Phil : Not at all. I get it. I've spent a few nights in heartbreak hotel. If there's anything I can do... Dave : You've already done more than you know. Phil : Huh? 4x9 When a Tree Falls Cameron : Okay, well, we have bigger issues. Guess what they are cutting down at the park Claire : Haley, hurry up. You're gonna be late. today? Alex, what are you doing? Mitchell : A tree? Alex : I need to document Haley's first day on the chain gang. Cameron : Yes. How did you know that? Phil : It's not a chain gang. It's community Mitchell : I played a hunch. service. And leave her alone. She feels bad Cameron : Not just any tree, Tree ona Elmsly. enough as it is. Mitchell : Oh, no. That's terrible. That's our Haley : Okay, I'm torn. On one hand, I'm like, picnic tree. "ugh, I have to pick up garbage all day." And on Lily : It's a nightmare. the other hand, I'm like, "look at me in orange." Aw, that's cute. Send that to me. Mitchell : Well, someone's picked up her daddy's gift for hyperbole. Cameron : They are literally chainsawing Claire : Haley had a little run in with the law in paradise to put up a parking lot. college. Mitchell : Oh, it's too bad. Phil : She was arrested for assaulting a police officer. Cameron : We have to do something. Haley : Accidentally. I fell on him. Mitchell : Well, if we knew earlier, we could. Phil : While evading arrest for underage Cameron : I blame myself. I've taken on too drinking. much. Haley : That was on purpose. Mitchell : What exactly have you taken on? Claire : They were very lenient with her. She Cameron : Are you kidding me? Teaching only has to do community service. music? This dresser handle project? My role in the musical? Haley : Because I do not have any priors. Mitchell : Oh, that. Phil : Taking a little too much pride in that, sweetheart. Cameron : You know what? I don't like your tone. The understudy's the most challenging role in any production. You have to be ready at Luke : Things can get pretty rough out there. I a moment's notice to go on and face a couldn't get my hands on any cigarettes. But I disappointed audience who was there to see did make you a shiv out of an old knife. Kenny van Heffington. Claire : You don't make a shiv out of a knife. Mitchell : Our insurance guy? Phil : Yeah, you make a shiv out of a rusty Cameron : He's breathtaking. spoon or a shard of glass. Mitchell : Really? Claire : Or a human femur. Cameron : Yeah, I hate him. Anyway, what was Phil : Exactly. Be creative. I talking about? Haley : It's really sweet of you, Luke, but there's Mitchell : Putting new handles on the dresser. just gonna be a bunch of drunk drivers and Cameron : Right. The tree. I have to do vandalizers who were stupid enough to get something. caught. Lily : I can't live like this. Alex : Or stupid enough to use the word "vandalizers." It's vandals. I'm so alone. Luke : They're gonna eat you alive, suburbia. Jay : Manny, while we're young! Gloria : He doesn't want to go. That's why he's taking so long with the primping. [OPENING CREDITS] Jay : A boy his age should do exactly zero primping. You ready? Cameron : Mitchell, we're back. You are not Manny : Not in the least. going to believe this. Jay : That's the spirit. Mitchell : Cam, do you remember why I didn't want you to swap out the handles on Lily's dresser? Manny : This kid in my class, Doug Brooks, has Cameron : Because you lack a designer's eye a sports themed birthday party every year. All and fear change? boys. All sports. All day. He calls it the Doug lympics, which might make sense if he did it Mitchell : No. Because I was afraid two weeks every four years, or if his name was Al. Let's just would go by, and we'd still be using a spatula to say nothing about it works. get at Lily's clothes. Gloria : Manny, it's a beautiful day outside. Go Jay : Oh, I don't really know those guys. I think on. Enjoy your dougy lympics. I'll just swing by the club, hit a few balls. Jay : You don't have to win a medal. Just have Phil : Well, come here. Let me introduce you fun. around. Hey, guys, this is Jay, my father in Manny : Doug finishes with the most medals no law. Manny's stepdad. matter what. Plus I think he only invites me Bill : Hey, what's up, Jay lo? because he likes to match skin color to nation. I Jay : Okay, guys, I'll see you later. know that's why Alan Yan gets invited. Manny : What's the matter, Jay? Afraid to step Jay : Okay, we get it. Sports isn't your thing. outside your comfort zone? But you gotta step out of your comfort zone Jay : I will send you back to Mexico. sometime. And for God sake, change out of those wingtips. You're a kid. You're not Nixon on the beach. Gloria : I didn't really call you, did I? Manny : Fine. I'll put on my sporty shoes. Claire : No, my dad did. But I thought you Where are they? knew. Gloria : They're still in the box. And don't forget Gloria : Ugh. I want to be so mad at him, but to take out the paper before you put them on, he's right. I have two brains in my body, but I've okay? never been so dumb. Jay : And they're called sneakers. Claire : It happens. I get it. You have another Claire : Hello, hello! Hey, Gloria. So, ready to go? human being inside of you, competing for resources. Look, when I was pregnant with Alex, Gloria : Where? I could barely remember my name. Claire : Thought we were doing a Costco run. Gloria : Same with Haley and Luke? Gloria : Oh, I see what this is. You called Claire Claire : Mm, not so much. They kind of just to babysit the stupid pregnant lady! hung out in there, let me do my thing. Jay : You're the one who called her. Gloria : Thank you for understanding. I'm glad Gloria : I did? that you came. It will help me not to forget stuff. Claire : I'm glad I can help out. I... Whoa, whoa! Jay : I called Claire. Gloria needs watching. Whoa, whoa, whoa! She's got a serious case of pregnancy brain. Last Gloria : Why didn't you stop first?! week, I found a bar of soap in the fridge and a stick of butter in the shower. I walked around all day smelling like a bucket of popcorn. Lily : Where's daddy? Manny : Better than the toast I ate. Mitchell : I don't know, sweetie. He said to meet him by Tree ona. Jay : Yet you ate the second piece. Cameron : Mitchell! Lily! Mitchell : Where is he? Gloria : Jay! Bye bye! We're leaving! Cameron : Up here! Look up here! Jay : Seriously? I'm right here. Mitchell : Cam, what are you doing up there? Cameron : I came down to say goodbye to the Man : Duck! Duck! Come on and hit him, you tree, give it one final hug, and before I knew it, I little freak! was up here. Luke : Talk about a big left hook. Mitchell : When you say "one final hug"... Phil : God, I love you. Cameron : If I'm occupying the tree, they can't Bill : Phil in the blank! cut it down. I googled it. It's a thing. Phil : Bill of rights! Jerry atric! Alan's dad! Mitchell : Okay, Lily, see, this is a nightmare. Jay : Hey, guys. Luke, you getting in there? Lily : Tell me about it. Luke : Of course. Cameron : You know what? You're a list maker, Manny : Look, I'm Mexico. Again. Does anybody a planner. I'm a doer and an action taker! Sean care that I'm not from Mexico? Penn would play me in a movie about this, or Luke : You keep saying that, but we've never Anne Hathaway, if they wanted a female driven seen a birth certificate. vehicle. Jay : All right, look, I'll pick you up at 5:00. Mitchell : And who would play your long Knock yourself out. Or better still, knock suffering partner? someone else out. Cameron : Julianne Moore, either way. Phil : Jay, where you headed? Why don't you Mitchell : I would totally see that. I would. stick around and grab a beer with the dads? Cameron : I know. Park Worker : Hey! My supervisor wants to my finest moment. In a few years, I hope to have know if you have a history of mental illness. some more friends and not have time for this Cameron : No, sir, I do not. kind of stuff. Mitchell : All right, Cam, let's hear. What's the plan? Claire : Okay. Hey. Cameron : I don't know. I'm sort of making it Gloria : Where did you go? up as I go. Claire : To get a sweatshirt. We've been Mitchell : Are you sure you wanna do this? standing in the frozen food aisle for half an hour. Cameron : Yes. I've never been more sure about Gloria : I need something frozen. anything in my life. We need to teach our Claire : Right. What? daughter the value of taking a stand, no matter Gloria : I don't know. I just wrote the word the sacrifice! Hello? Done. I'll be right there. "frozen." Mitchell, you need to get up here. I have to go. Claire : Okay. Uh, let's think. Peas. Ice cream. Mitchell : Excuse me? Pizza. Waffles. Cameron : That was my theater troupe. An Gloria : Wait a minute. It says "dozen." I need actor's sick. I have to go and do the matinee. the eggs! Mitchell : What happened to showing Lily the value of taking a stand? Claire : Ah, the eggs. Okay. Cameron : It's the lead. It's also important to Gloria : Ay, no, on the other side. show her the value of honoring one's Claire : Oh, God. I I'll get the carts. So that's... commitments. And in this case, my commitment oh, sorry. That's... that's me. That's me. I got it. preceded my stand! Mitchell : This is so you, Cam. You start Luke : Come on, guys! You're killing us! something, and then you expect me to finish it. Doug : Where the heck is Mexico? Cameron : So you're not coming up here? Manny : Good news, gentlemen! I found another Mitchell : No! No, I'm not. rope. If we double Dutch, everyone wins. Cameron : Come on. Mitchell? Where were we Phil : Okay, hold still... And wait for it... This is the first day Lily rolled over? what you'd look like fat and bald. Mitchell : Under this tree. Bill : On my phone, that app's called a camera. Cameron : Where is home base when we play Phil : Bill, don't do that to yourself. Let me tell hide and go seek? you something. Ellen is one lucky woman. Mitchell : Under this tree. Jay : Why is that funny? Cameron : And where did we take shelter Phil : Because she's married to Jerry. during that dangerous lightning storm? Jerry : Jay, you got any good apps? Mitchell : Wasn't a good idea, but it was under Jay : I don't know. I got call waiting. Is that an this tree. app? You guys laugh a lot, huh? Lily : Daddy, you've got to save the tree! Phil : Jay's a little technologically challenged. Cameron : Yeah, daddy, you have to save the Jay : From a guy who can't drive a stick. tree! Phil : What? Mitchell : Okay, okay. But you get back here the second you are done. Jerry : You can't? Cameron : Well, I can't very well turn away fans Jay : Well... he called me to rescue him one time. that come backstage. He got stuck on a hill. He was afraid to let go of the clutch. Well... by the time I got there, Mitchell : The second! traffic's backed up half a mile, everybody's yelling at him. He's in tears. Alex : Last summer, my sister took a totally Phil : Not tears. Maybe sweat. humiliating photo of me. Jay : Yeah, sweatin' out your eyes. Alex : Haley, that's not funny! Alex : I had about ten pretty bad pictures of Haley. I could have quit right there, but I'm a Alex : Then she posted it to Facebook and perfectionist. I thought, "I could do better. She refused to take it down. It got 873 likes. could look worse." Oh, my God. Meanwhile, there's not one embarrassing photo of Haley. Even her mug shots were cute. Today, Terry : All right, pal. Come down from the tree. I get my revenge. One photo of Haley, dirty, sweaty, picking up trash like a criminal. It'll be Mitchell : Sorry, can't do that. Terry : Come down before we pull you down. Claire : Are you kidding me? I didn't try to steal Terry’s partner : W...hey. Ease up. What's the a sweatshirt! Sir, I'm a mom. problem? Security Man : Uh huh. Mitchell : Look, I don't want to be up here. You Claire : Gloria, help me out. know? But this is my daughter's favorite tree. Gloria : Listen, Mr. Policeman, if we wanted to And my partner... he's all up in arms about steal it, you wouldn't even know that it was gone! them cutting it down, so... Claire : Yeah, okay. That's not helping. Terry’s partner : Well, if your partner's so worked up, why isn't he here? Haley : Oh, my God! A gold bracelet! Hey, can Mitchell : Oh, well, that's a very good question. we keep what we find? It's because he starts things, and he doesn't finish them, so then I have to. Alex : Unbelievable. Really? Terry’s partner : Just like my wife. You know, my therapist would say we're "enabling" them. Manny : Gentlemen, you wanna know about the Terry : You and your therapist. real ultimate frisbee? Walk with one balanced on your head for 50 meters. It is a measure of poise, Terry’s partner : Well, I wouldn't have to see balance, and posture. him if you hadn't shot that guy. Doug : Let's just whip the frisbees at each other Terry : Aw, that again? Look, let's just spray as hard as we can and see who quits first. him with the fire hose. Terry’s partner : You're not helping, Terry. It's Luke : Frisbee smash. Awesome! Let's go! not your fight. So why don't you do us a favor, Manny : Oh, my God, I'm Sisyphus. Yes! and come on down? Doug : A big one! Ha ha! Uhh! Mitchell : Because he's right, all right? That's the frustrating part. I I've been sitting up here Jay : So he's out in our yard and he's got a these past few hours, and... this tree is beautiful, boombox... What's the name of that movie with okay? And I I can hear the squirrels dancing the boombox? through the branches, you know, chasing each other, no idea what's about to happen. You Bill : Oh, "Say anything." know, this isn't just a tree. This is a home. Jay : With John Mahoney. So anyway, he's out Park worker : Yeah, to, like, a hundred rats. there, and he's begging Claire for forgiveness. They're all over this thing. Phil : I... Mitchell : Well, that changes nothing. I will wait Jay : She's still mad at him. She won't have any you guys out all night if I have to. Cam, you got of it. So he turns it up full blast, and it's Olivia 20 minutes, and I'm out of this tree. Terry, you Newton John. And he starts singing, "Let's get wanna get ready with that hose? Phil sical"! Phil : It was an inside joke. Claire : So Alex comes home from school the Jerry : Well, not anymore! other day, and she said the teacher didn't know Phil : Okay, enough with the funny Phil stories. what she was talking about, when in reality, I Jay : No, but I haven't even gotten to the best don't think that... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! You part yet. So he's doing his little dance, and I almost just cut my head off. You gotta focus. can't take it anymore, so I nail him with the Gloria : I am sorry. After all that, I forgot the sprinklers! eggs! Phil : Yep, and you also shorted out my Security Man : Excuse me. boombox, which you said you'd replace and you Claire : Yeah, hang on one second. Listen, this never did. is not just your pregnancy. You are purposely Jay : I never said that! turning your brain off. You have to at least try to Phil : Yes, you did. You still owe me one boom pay attention. box, 12 "D" batteries, and an Olivia Newton Security Man : Ma'am? John cassingle. Claire : Yeah. Jay : Okay, uh... Why don't we settle it in the Security Man : Do you have a receipt for that ring? We get in there, and if you beat me, I'll buy sweatshirt? you any boombox you want. If I beat you, then Claire : Oh, shoot. you've gotta do your little dance for everyone. Security Man : I'm gonna need you to come Men : Yeah! back into the store. Phil : I'm in. Let's get Phil sical. Claire : Oh, no. No, it's... I forgot I was wearing it. It's no big deal. Here. Jay : I wasn't worried. I'd boxed in the Navy. Security Man : Ma'am. The store. And it was Phil. And here's something I thought I'd never say... I'd rather box my daughter's Gloria : My water broke! I'm having the baby! husband than my son's. Phil : Hey. Sorry about that. I went a little nuts Phil : I may have been holding on to a tiny bit of there. I don't know what happened. anger towards Jay. Jay : I do. I was ragging on you in front of your friends. Phil : I scooped ice cream all summer for that Phil : Oh, yeah. boombox! Jay : Sorry about that. I couldn't think of anything else to say. Cameron : Excuse me. Pardon me. We're here! Phil : Why not? We're here! We came as fast as we could! Jay : I got 20, 25 years on those guys. We got Mitchell : You couldn't change? nothing in common. It's only gonna get worse. I Cameron : You said come right away! Excuse mean, what's it gonna be like with the new kid me, ladies and gentlemen! Oakwood rep's in ten years? production of "Cats"! Make sure you catch it this Phil : Oh, my goodness. You're insecure and week. Word on the street is the understudy vulnerable. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen. steals the show! Mitchell, I get two more shows! Jay : Shut up. Kenny van Heffington's toenail is infected! Phil : Who's a shy bunny? Mitchell : Just get up here, all right? The crew Jay : You wanna go one more round, without has to leave at dark, so you have until then. the gloves? Cameron : Easy peasy. Sweetie, tell daddy what Phil : I'm just playing around, Jay. I don't care you thought of my performance. how old you are. I could sit and talk to you all Lily : Transcendent. day. Those guys really liked you, too. Mitchell : Oh, jeez. Jay : I don't care about that. Did they? Even Cameron : Is this sap? Jerry? Phil : Yes. Claire : Why would I buy hundreds of dollars Jay : Well, maybe you're right. I mean, Manny worth of merchandise and then steal a $20 didn't want to come, and look at him. Looks like sweatshirt? he's having a great time. Store Manager : I don't know. Maybe you do it Manny : So then Luke's dad grabs the taser for the thrill. I know your type. You're a bored from me, and he was like, "uhh! Uhh!" housewife, drives a minivan, husband spends a Phil : No. No! That's not how it happened. Hey! little too much time online. Got a couple of kids, a college degree you don't use. Gloria : Aah! Ay! Ay! It hurts! Claire : You could not be more wrong. Claire : Hang in there! Hang in there! Get you to Gloria : Yes. She has three kids. the hospital as soon as I can! Claire : Okay, no. No, no. No, no. No, that's not Store Manager : I just want to apologize... helping. Look, as I said before, it was an accident. Gloria : Uh huh. Store Manager : Heard it a thousand times. Store Manager : One more time on behalf of the Grandmothers, businessmen, honor students... store for any stress that I might have caused they all say the same thing... "it was an accident. you. Here, you can keep the sweatshirt as a gift. I don't know how that clock radio got in my And congratulations on this baby, which is pants." clearly not a turkey. That was... Gloria : Oh, for God sake! I don't feel well. Let Gloria : Go away now! us go. Claire : Yeah. Store Manager : Yeah, right. Gloria : Ay! Ay! Gloria : Is that even a baby? 'Cause from here, Claire : Okay. Go on. Go on. Get in. Keep going. it looks like a turkey. I need you to sign this, What hospital are we going to? admitting your guilt, and promising you'll never Gloria : No! No hospital! return to this store. Claire : No hospital. Wow. Wow, you're one of Claire : I'm not signing that. those, huh? Okay, please don't have it in the Store Manager : Okay, great. Then I'm gonna pool, though. 'Cause we swim in there. call the police and I'll be forced to... Gloria : I'm not having the baby, Claire. I was Gloria : Aaah! just faking it. Store Manager : What was that? Claire : What? Gloria : Not bad for someone with pregnancy Cameron : Oh, hey, Gloria. Listen, I called Jay brain, huh? about borrowing a drill for my dresser handles. Claire : Okay, that's good. That was very good. Jay : I got it right here, Cam! Oh, jeez. What's Good thinking, Gloria. with the getup? Gloria : I'm sorry. I just couldn't sit there and Gloria : Ay, good. You see that, too? watch you suffer just because you had turned Jay : Stella, stop. your brain off. Gloria : Ay, shh, shh, shh. Sorry, Cam. Claire : Okay, I deserved that. Oh, no. Oh, no, Cameron : Oh, no, don't be. I take it as a no, no, no. I just blew through a red light. Damn. compliment. "Cats"... Now and forever. Actually, You think you can keep the pregnancy thing up just till next Thursday. It's been described as for a little while longer? "transcendent." Gloria : Ay! I feel the head! Feel it! Feel it! Claire : Save it! Save it for the cop! Gloria : Aah! Claire : Save it. Park worker : All right, guys, that's it. Pack it up! You win for today. See you on Monday. Cameron : That's it? Mitchell : That's it. So I'll go to city hall on Monday and see what I can do, but... you did it, Cam! Cameron : No, we did it. I had to run away, and you stepped in, and like an understudy, you gave a brilliant performance. Mitchell : Yeah, but you're the star. Cameron : Oh, well... Lily : Can we stop doing this and go home? Cameron : Yes, Lily, but I want you to remember this moment... the day your daddies made you proud. Turn her away, Mitchell! Turn her away! Haley : Alex, what are you doing here? Alex : Learning a valuable lesson about karma and how wrong it is to take pleasure in people's embarrassment. Haley : Wow. I don't know what any of that means, but you look like hell. Say "geek." Alex : No! Haley : He's a vandalizer! Alex : 593 likes, and counting. Fireman : Who does he belong to? Mitchell : He's mine. Cameron : It was a great ending to an amazing day. Look, I even... made the paper. "Bizarre protest saves park tree." Oh, look what it says. "This production of 'Cats' should be put to sleep." Mitchell : Don't read that. Don't... 4x10 Diamond in the Rough Cameron : I see pitcher's mound in here, and I see little boys' dreams coming true everywhere. Claire : Haley, hurry up! You don't have much time, and I made chocolate chip pancakes. Luke : I found a dead snake! Haley : Mom, I'm not 12. Claire : It's perfect. Phil : Dibs on hers. Honey, you excited about Luke : Not dead! Not dead! your first day? Claire : I'm gonna be mother of the year. Haley : You know what? I really am. There's something about going to work that makes you [OPENING CREDITS] feel like you're... I don't know, worth something. No offense, mom. Phil : Listen... I wanna give you some advice. Gloria : And this is our dining room, where we eat. And this is our kitchen, where we also eat. Claire : Do it fast.She's gonna be late. Manny : Who are you talking to? It looks like Phil : Work hard. Keep your eye on the ball. you lost your tour. Stay focused. Never... Check it out! Cam in overalls! Jay : Or your mind. Claire : Mitchell sent me the same text! Gloria : The baby. Shorty's girlfriend Darlene send it to me. She said it's for prenatal bonding. Phil : Why "Look what you've done"? I love it. We took a tour of the house. We took a Claire : Oh, because Cam is helping me out look at all my shoes. Come on, Jay. Say with that baseball field, and Mitchell hates it something to the baby. when he gets all farmed up. His turn offs are Jay : Darlene's an idiot. farm, Fizbo, and, worst of all, Farmbo. Gloria : Oh, yeah, beautiful. Your first words to our baby... "Darlene is an idiot." Cameron : Howdy, life pardner! Jay : This is stupid. The baby's only 2 inches away. He doesn't need speakers blasting at him. Haley : Well, I gotta go. Don't wanna be late for Like in restaurants nowadays where you can't my first... Oh, my god! Why didn't you guys tell even hear yourself think. Ah, you're gonna do me the time?! whatever you want. Why do I bother? Manny : Get used to that. Sometimes you just gotta let him go. Then he eats some sherbet and Claire : So what do you think? Can we turn this falls asleep. into a baseball field? Cameron : Oh, yeah. No problem. You know, back on the farm, I once turned an acre of corn Cameron : Okay, I'll chalk the field with this into a snowflake shaped maze. It'd still be there bad boy. if our neighbor Billy Bob Sheinberg hadn't seen Claire : And while you're doing that, I will get it from his crop duster and said it looked like a the bases. swastika. So how good's Luke's team anyway? Cameron : We make such a good team. Claire : Well, you may have seen them on Claire : Why does your friend have a chalker? youtube under "Boy stuck in batting helmet" or "Pitcher beans self." But a few of them went Cameron : Oh, he used it to propose to a through puberty early this year, so... skywriter. Oh, ma'am? Ma'am, do you need help with that? Luke : They say it's because of hormones in our milk. But whatever it is, they really jacked up. Mrs. Brooks : Oh, yes. Please. Claire : Is this your house? Claire : Luke and Manny's team tied for the Mrs. Brooks : I'm moving in with my son. He's final spot in the playoffs, but since nobody was rich. Phone by the toilet rich. expecting it, all the fields were booked. Claire : All right, so have you lived here a long Luke : The other team wanted to settle with a time? coin flip. We said "Rock paper scissors." That's Mrs. Brooks : I moved here in '62 to be an when talks broke down. actress. I had one line in a "Rockford files." "He Claire : So what do you do when you can't find went out the back.," a field? You build one. Cameron : Who went out the back? Luke : And we got the last laugh, 'cause guess Claire : That was you. Okay. what I found there? Rocks, paper, and scissors. Cameron : Well, you're all set here. Mrs. Brooks : You're not interested in the place, Cameron : I see home plate up here. are you? Claire : Mm hmm. Cameron : Oh, no, thank you. Mrs. Brooks : Yes... yes, we are. Cameron : Okay, well, we already have it Cameron : Yes. Yes, we are. figured out. I'm gonna be the designer... Because I know about colors and shapes. Mrs. Brooks : Come on. Mitchell : Yeah, so does Lily. Cameron : Okay. Claire : I'm gonna be the contractor. Mitchell : And I'm gonna be the astronaut. Oh, Luke : You gotta keep your eyes open. this is fun. Phil, you go. Manny : It's not natural when a ball is hurtling Claire : Mitchell, I am serious. I have overseen at your face. lots of projects in our home. I oversaw the Luke : Will you choke up a little? remodel of our bathroom. Under budget. Right, Manny : Probably when they play the national Phil? anthem. Phil : Yeah. I was a little disappointed we didn't Luke : No, move your hands up the bat. "When go for the butt washing toilet, but otherwise... they play the national anthem." Claire : You can wash your own butt for free. Phil : Well, that's not the same, is it? Manny : I had a perfect record... 22 games, and Mitchell : This is all fun to talk about. It is, but I hadn't played a single inning. Then the McCoy I don't think that you understand what... what twins' grandma dies, and suddenly I'm starting this could really entail. And... at right field. What does that even mean? Is it Cameron : Okay, there it is. Mitchell just said the same as stage right? "No," so we're done. Surprise, surprise. Mitchell : Listen, we'll talk about this at home, Luke : All right, ready? Nice and easy. I haven't okay? even thrown it yet. Claire : Don't give up. Manny : Then it's your fault. I'm doing my part. Cameron : Phil, you think it's a good idea, right? Luke : Forget it. We need to do something Phil : Totally. different. Let's change your stance. Try leaning in. Further. Now close your eyes. Claire : Yes. And you know we can handle it, right? Manny : Aww! Phil : I think you guys can handle anything. Luke : Perfect! You think you can do that every time? Claire : And you go talk to him. You're a professional. He respects you. Manny : What, get hit on purpose? Phil : Okay. Give us some space. I'll go talk him Luke : If you wanna get on base and be a hero. into it. Some men are born into greatness. Others have it chucked at their face. Yes! Claire : All right. Phil : All right? Cameron : Okay, Mrs. Brooks, thank you very Claire : Okay. much. We'll be in touch very soon. Cameron : Okay. Claire : Say it one more time. Phil : Listen... there's no way we're letting them Mrs. Brooks : He went out the back. do this. Claire : Oh, love it! Love it! Mitchell : I know, right? Cameron : Brava! Brava! Phil : They are not equipped to take this on. We might as well flush all our savings down my Claire : Bye bye! What do you think, Phil? boring old toilet. Phil : Well, I have to admit, it's a steal. Mitchell : Oh, you are really bitter about that. Claire : Yes! Yes! I told you! And you said Gil Phil : It's the one thing I asked for. Don't sit on Thorpe makes a killing flipping houses. your sunglasses. Sorry, guys. Whoops. Just to Phil : Yeah, he brags about it all the time. Every be clear, though. Under no circumstances are time he makes a sale, he calls himself "Flipper" we letting them do this? And walks around making this dolphin sound. Mitchell : I am totally with you. Like... How does he do it? I hate him so much. Phil : Okay, you stay here. I'll go break the bad Cameron : Okay, look, if the four of us go in on news. Sorry, guys. Not gonna happen. this together, we can minimize the risk. Cameron : Yeah, well, maybe if... Mitchell : Or if none of us do it, we can eliminate the risk altogether because none of Phil : I would drop it. It's not worth the fight. you know anything about flipping houses. Come on, Claire. The faster we leave, the less it's gonna hurt. Hop in. Yep. Claire : Why does it have to be like this? Phil : I don't know. He's your brother. Buckled fail at this and lose everything we've worked for, up? Good. Claire! Mitchell : No! No! No, no, I see what you're doing! He doesn't want this either! Gloria : ♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word. Phil : Little radio? Papa's going to buy you a mockingbird. And if Claire : Sure. that mockingbird won't sing, papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring. ♪ Mitchell : Phil! Claire! Come on! Jay : Papa'd buy ten diamond rings to get that Claire : It's such a shame because I know we mockingbird to shut the hell up. But I wasn't would do a great job on that house. gonna tell Gloria she was a terrible singer. Phil : Totally. That's just taking a bath with a toaster. Still, the Claire : If Gil Thorpe can do it, I can do it, right? thought of that poor little thing stuck in there like a hostage, listening to that racket days on Phil : Please! end... I just couldn't take it. Phil : Please. Gil Thorpe has decades of experience and infallible instincts. As much as Gloria : ♪ And if that billy goat won't push, we'd all like to believe otherwise, I did not marry papa's gonna get every le... ♪ Gil Thorpe. Can you imagine that? God, we'd Jay : I'll tell you what papa's gonna do. He's sell a lot of houses. gonna take a turn on that mic. Gloria : Oh! Really? Claire : Oh! Great. Mitchell. Jay : Yeah, I've been thinking, if it's a chance to Phil : Oh, you know what, Claire? You gotta cool bond, I should take it. down or you're just gonna make this worse. Why Gloria : Ay, Jay, that's great. I think that the don't you go get the coffees? And I'll deal with sound of my voice shouldn't be the only thing him. that the baby should hear. Claire : Well, okay, what are you gonna say to Jay : Same page. Breaker, breaker, big Jay. him? Baby, what's your 20? Over. Phil : I'm just gonna talk to him man to man. Gloria : Ay, that's so cute. You sound like Claire : Right. Smokey and the Bandito. Go on. Go on. Jay : Hi, kid. This is your dad Jay Pritchett. Uh, Phil : Okay. Hello? we're all pretty excited to meet you. Just a Mitchell : Claire, Phil doesn't want the house heads up... I might be a few years older than either, all right? He's letting me take the fall. you're expecting. But on the plus side, we're He's a liar. very comfortable. What's that? Nothin'? Tough Phil : And a clever one. womb. What are you doing in there? You Mitchell : Ugh! How long do you think you can sleepin'? Are you sleeping? keep this from her? All right? I'm gonna talk to Gloria : Ah! Ah! Ah! ♪ Are you... her eventually. Jay : Ah! Still daddy's turn. Phil : Well, as long as we're swapping stories, Maybe I'll tell Cam what happened to the sweater he knit for you. Claire : Dumb... dumb rock! Cameron : Hey! Are you cryin'? Mitchell : I can't. I can't! I can't! I can't do it! I Claire : No. No. I just can't get this rock to can't take this stupid thing anymore! It was budge. stolen out of the car. Do you understand me? Cameron : Okay, what did we learn from "A League of Their Own"? Phil : Got it. Claire : No crying in baseball. Cameron : No. That Madonna's a lousy actress, Mitchell : That is low. and so are you. What's really going on? Phil : I know. Don't be mad at me. That said, I Claire : Okay. You know, over the last couple of suggest you lose this number. months, I've applied for, like, five different jobs. Cameron : I didn't know that. Phil : I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm not Claire : No. I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't comfortable squashing people's dreams. I am a cheerleader. I'm the guy on top of the pyramid get them, Cam. I went to college, you know? shouting, "Go, dreams, go!" You know what's not And... I just wanna be able to contribute to my a cheer? "Two, four, six, eight, you are going to kids' education. And I wanna be able to buy my husband a present... with my own money. Hey, Cameron : Okay. It was the ramp thing, wasn't you're preaching to the choir director. it? You know, I felt really good about it. Cameron : It's actually why I became a choir Claire : What? Are you serious? That's fantastic! director. Oh! I gotta tell Phil. I'll call you right back. Claire : You became a part time teacher in a Phil : What's... what's up? public school for money? Claire : Mitchell changed his mind. He's all for it. Cameron : I make more than you do. I mean, We're flipping a house! before parking. But... Look, I'm sorry Mitchell Phil : Yeah. killed our house dream. You know, now Claire : Yeah! especially that I know you wanted to use the money for such noble reasons. Claire : Yeah. And also... there was this pair of Mitchell : Well, hello, Phil. To what do I owe boots. this pleasure? Cameron : There's always a pair of boots. Phil : Cut the crap. You wanna play chicken? Chicken's my middle name. Mitchell : I don't know what you're talking Cameron : Mitchell, do you know what I've about. I'm just being supportive of my partner realized? and my sister, both of whom I love very much. Mitchell : That some thoughts are better left unexpressed? Phil : How do you sleep at night? Mitchell : Soundly, knowing you'll do the right Cameron : No. That in this relationship, I'm the thing. So how about it, Phil? You gonna stop gas pedal, and you're the brakes. this train? 'Cause these brakes are out. Oh. And Mitchell : Okay, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I suggest you lose this number. Last week, you said that you were the painting Phil : Mitchell? Mitchell?! and I was the frame. Cameron : That's if we were artwork. This is if we were a car. Phil : Yeah, I was pretty ticked off that Mitchell Mitchell : I know what part you'd be if we were double crossed my double cross. And then he stopped taking my calls, and so I sent him the a horse. following carefully worded text... "U suck." Cameron : Excuse me? Mitchell : Hmm? Mitchell : I could tell Phil felt pretty hurt and Cameron : Claire and I bring you this great betrayed, so I responded. "How r u gonna opportunity, And you stop it cold. I guess that's cheerlead your way out of this one, Buffy?" what brakes do. Phil : "We both know this house thing is a Mitchell : You know what brakes also disaster." do? They keep you from driving off cliffs. Mitchell : "Then say something, or I will. I don't Cameron : Maybe they're not cliffs. Maybe care if you tell Cam..." they're ramps, ready to launch us into new, Cameron : "I threw out that hideous sweater?!" I exciting vistas. spent months knitting that hideous sweater. Mitchell : I am not the only one against this Claire ! Yeah. whole house thing. Phil doesn't want it either. Cameron : You keep saying that, but I find that Cameron : W... how are we seeing this? very, very hard to believe. Phil supports Claire. Claire : They're using the group text from Phil is a cheerleader. Why can't you be more like yesterday. They have no idea these are even Phil? coming to me. Cameron : Okay. Mitchell : And then it hit me. I could be exactly Claire : Oh. Here's another one. "We need to like Phil. I could pretend to be on board, forcing shut this house thing down without them the cheerleader to be the bad guy. I know it's knowing it's us"?! Oh! Well... "2 late." underhanded, but that's the way I throw. Mitchell : No, that... that's bad. Cameron : Mitchell? Phil : Claire, I am so sorry. I know I should've Mitchell : You... you know what? You've been more honest with you, but I... convinced me. If... if you and Claire and Claire : No, Phil. You know what really kills me? especially Phil are into this, then I'm on board. Is you didn't believe in me, and you believe in Cameron : What? Seriously?! everything! Mitchell : Yes! 100%. In fact, why don't you call Cameron : You know, I knew that sweater Claire and Phil right now and tell them? wasn't stolen. And here I pick blue yarn to match your eyes, but I should've picked black to Jay : Gloria, you're as close to perfect as woman match your heart. Although you look amazing in gets. Nothing wrong with one tiny, little flaw. black. Damn you. Come on. Yours is when you start to sing, is sounds like something got stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Jay : "...Leaving 17 dead and thousands without Gloria : That's... you're just... power." Jay : No, no, no. Gloria : Ay, Jay, please! It's bad that the baby Gloria : That is just your stupid, stupid opinion, listens to such terrible things. Jay. But I am very angry at you, and I am gonna Jay : He's heard worse. make a list of all the things that I am going to scream at you as soon as this baby's out of me. Manny : Jay, do you know a good 1 hour dry cleaner? And I don't mean the "Must be in by 10:00, only on weekdays, you need a coupon" Jay : I didn't think it all the way through. kind. I mean a hard 1 hour. Jay : This conversation feels like a hard one Phil : Oh, hello, Mitch. hour. And what do you need it cleaned for? It's spotless. Mitchell : Uh, you got Claire flowers? Manny : There's mustard here from Reuben's Phil : Yes. I had a little bit of a rough night. reuben. That's what happens when you put a Mitchell : Yeah, you and me both. narcissist in charge of snack day. Lily : Daddy slept in my room last night. Gloria : Okay, it's my turn again. Baby, it's your Mitchell : Here, give me some of those. mother again. I'm... Phil : What? No. Jay : Gloria? Why don't we give him a break? He Mitchell : You got me into this. probably needs a minute because he just learned about a deadly tornado. Phil : Hey, stop! You're breaking them! Gloria : Okay, stop calling him a he. What if Mitchell : I need... I'm not going to Cam empty he's a she, and you're making her upset? handed! Phil, let go of the... Jay : I told you. That's just the shorthand I'm Luke : Hold still! using. Don't jump down my throat every time Mitchell : Claire and Cam did all this? I'm... Phil : A week ago, that was all junk. Gloria : Ay, yes, because you always... Mitchell : It's amazing. I mean, there's that little Manny : What are you doing? Do you really bump in the middle. But other than that... want your unborn baby to hear you fighting like this? Studies show it's unhealthy for a fetus to Phil : Even if one of those boys had hit five be exposed to a stressful environment. home runs, the biggest star on that field was Jay : Studies? You're 13. Read a comic book. Claire. That's the funny thing about marriage. What time does your game start? You fall in love with this... extraordinary person, Manny : I have to be there at 3:00 for hitting and over time, they begin to seem ordinary. I practice. think it's all the nagging. Jay : Batting practice. Manny : Not for me. Phil : Wow. This... this is incredible. You Gloria : Jay, I don't want our baby to think that literally saw a diamond in the rough. it's coming into an unhappy home. Let's promise Claire : Yeah, but I take on a lot of projects no that we're never ever going to fight in front of one else is willing to. him. Phil : I deserve that. I was an idiot for doubting Jay : No fighting in front of the baby. you. Please, honey, forgive me. Gloria : Okay, good. ♪ Twinkle, twinkle little Claire : How could I not, when you give me this lamb... ♪ bouquet of crumpled flowers? Jay : Gloria, stop it! Stop it. No more singing. Phil : Mitchell did that! Gloria : Why? Claire : Mitchell again? Jay : Because you stink. You're a terrible singer. Phil : Ask Lily! Come on. Let's get some lunch. Mitchell : Hey, Cam. Gloria : How dare do you say that I am... Cameron : Hey. Jay : Ay, no, no, no. No fighting in front of the Mitchell : Here you... Okay. Well... baby. We just made a deal. Cameron : Oh, wow. Broken and mangled... Gloria : Yeah, but that's not fair because I am Just like my heart. always in front of the baby! Mitchell : Cam, I'm sorry for not supporting you. Cameron : What about the sweater? Mitchell : That's unforgivable. I mean, you put Manny : I'm going to march out there and swing all that time and work into it, and I just toss it as hard as I can. And if every sports movie is out the car window. correct, I'm going to smack that ball, and Cameron : Tossed it out the car window?! everyone will chant my name as I round the bases. By the way, it is always counterclockwise, Mitchell : I'm forgetting how much you knew. or do I get to choose? Phil : You know what, guys? Honestly, I... I Luke : I don't think it's gonna matter. think we should do it. I think we should go for the house. Claire : Really? Okay, but careful, honey. Don't Jay : They convince themselves it'll all work say something if you don't mean it. out... Phil : No, I do mean it. I think you two will do a fantastic job. Umpire : Please rise for the national anthem. Mitchell : You know, I do, too. I'm on board. Gloria : I'm gonna show you who can sing. Jay : On board for what? Jay : Gloria. Oh, this is gonna be rough. Cameron : Oh, well, the four of us, uh, might go in on a house. Claire and I fix it up and flip it. Jay : Despite all the evidence to the contrary. Jay : That's the worst idea I ever heard. You guys know nothing about construction. You'll Gloria : ♪ Oh say can you see? By the dawn's make all sorts of mistakes, you'll turn on each early light? ♪ other, you'll stop talking, and suddenly I'm doing two dinners a week instead of one because you can't be in the same room. Family and Jay : Which I guess isn't so bad. business doesn't mix. Ah, you're gonna do whatever you want. Why do I bother? Gloria : ♪ ...And the rocket's red glare! ♪ Claire : Is he right? Mitchell : Y you know dad. I mean, he's a pessimist. Jay : All I'm saying is, I hope to god you don't have your mother's singing voice. But, man, I Claire : I want us to get that house. I do. But I hope you get her self confidence. Try to get some don't want us to fight. sleep. I'll talk to you in the morning. Cameron : We're not gonna fight. Phil : Of course not. Probably. I don't know. Will Phil : 2 outs, bottom of the sixth. Tied at 4. This we? is it, folks. The whole game comes down to this. Claire : Maybe we just take a beat and think Manny Delgado 0 for 3 on the day. Gloria, your about it. thoughts? Mitchell : Yeah. I I guess that couldn't hurt. Gloria : I think he's going to hit the home run. Phil : Yeah. You guys mean the world to us. I Jay : Please, God, give me one. don't want to jeopardize that over a house. Gloria : Manny, stand up straight! Cameron : We feel the same way. Jay : But bend your knees. Claire : I know. I just wanna say I know we'd do Claire : Widen your stance! a good job, though. Manny : Would you please let me just... Phil : Hello? Jay : Take your base! Claire : And I feel so... Luke : You did it! You got it, Manny! Phil : It's Mrs. Brooks, the lady with the house. Actually, it's good that you called. What... Manny : I did it? Claire : What happened? Jay : No, no, no, no! Not that way! Go this way! Oh, why do I bother? He's gonna do what he Phil : Gil Thorpe just made her an offer. wants. All : Manny! Manny! Manny! Phil : We did it! Claire : We bought a house. Cameron : It's gonna be... great! Mitchell : What could go wrong? Nothing. Jay : Sometimes I don't understand people. They do crazy things for the dumbest reasons. 4x11 New Year’s Eve Cameron : What? Gloria : Jay? Have you seen the grapes? Mitchell : It's only 10:00. Jay : Yeah, I ate them. Cameron : What? Gloria : Why would you eat the grapes? Mitchell : It's only 10:00. Jay : They were in a bowl, they were washed, I paid for them. [OPENING CREDITS] Gloria : They were for the New Year's. Jay : Oh, right. What's that goofy thing again? Jay : Place is smaller than I remember. Gloria : It's not goofy. It's a tradition. At Claire : Smaller's your issue? midnight, you eat 12 grapes, you make 12 Gloria : When was the last time that you were wishes, one for each month of the year. here, Jay? Jay : And you really think that works? Jay : Not that long ago. 1974, '75. Gloria : Five years ago, I was a single mother Gloria : So when I was 2? living in a slum. Today, I'm driving to Palm Springs in my new car with my rich husband. Jay : I don't like when you do that. I checked You do what you want. I'm eating the grapes. the web site. The pictures looked beautiful. Mitchell : Oh! Lizard. Huh? Jay : For New Year's Eve, we're taking Phil and Phil : Never trust pictures on the Internet. Claire and Mitch and Cam to this amazing hotel Shoot it from the right angle, you can make I used to go to in Palm Springs. They got a whole anything look bigger and better. package... dinner, dancing, toast at midnight. I Claire : Houses, you pervs. He's a realtor. mean, what more do you need? Eleanor : I thought I heard voices. Robby! I told Gloria : Grapes. you! It's people. Jay : I said we'd stop on the way. Cameron : Oh, my God. That's me in 20 years! Mitchell : Okay, you be her, and I'll be whoever Phil : Haley, it's New Year's Eve. Are you sure left her. you don't wanna go to a party or something? Jay : Uh, we're checking in. It's under Pritchett. Haley : And listen to all my friends talk about Eleanor : Jay Pritchett. Three rooms. You've how awesome college is? I know how awesome been with us before. college is. That's what got me kicked out. Gloria : How old is that book? Claire : Well, I'm sure Uncle Mitchell will feel Mitchell : Oh, there is something sticky over much better leaving Lily here knowing that here. you're in charge. You know you're really in Eleanor : Robby! It came back. charge, right? Robby : It's not possible. Alex : How do you know I don't have a party? Okay, fine. Jay : Okay, so the place is not what it used to be. But we're gonna have fun. Dining in the starlight room, little dancing with the Shelley Cameron : Lily, are you ready for your big Stroman trio. sleepover with your cousins? Eleanor : Oh, there's just two left. Here are your Lily : Who's watching me? keys. Check out's at 11:00, but if you wanna Mitchell : Haley. stay longer... Lily : I'm serious. Gloria : No, 11:00 is good. Yeah. Mitchell : Alex. Lily : Okay, let's go. Robby : Here we go. Is there anything wrong? Claire : No, no. No, we were just hoping for Cameron : Every New Year's Eve, it's like, "what something a little more romantic. are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" So we Phil : Come on, now. It's not that bad. were happy that Jay planned this whole thing. It Claire : What's in there? really, you know, takes the pressure off of Phil : Nothing. having to outdo ourselves. Robby : If you're looking for romance, there's a Mitchell : Yeah, and how are we gonna possibly secluded hot spring nearby. Kind of a hidden top last year? gem. Claire : Huh? Cameron : Oh. Did we miss it? Robby : Just follow the path right by the 12th Mitchell : Mm? It's only 10:00. hole of the golf course. Claire : Wow. That sounds kinda nice. Secluded. Cameron : Oh, gosh. We should start calling Natural. Sexy. her "ranch house"... Because she doesn't have a Robby : Sexy. second story. Claire : What do you think, Phil? Mitchell : So good. Phil : Does it smell like eggs? Some of them Cameron : I know! Thank you. smell like eggs. Alex : Hey. You sure you don't wanna play "The Claire : It's been a while since Phil and I... The hunger games" with all of us? whole month of December? Or a quick... you Haley : My whole life is a hunger game. Why do know? It's embarrassing, and it's not like us. you think I'm so mean to you? That's making me anxious, which is why I really Luke : That's for me! Hey. Come on in. need to get... Joyce : Hey. Becca : Hi. Phil : Thanks again. Yeah, that's yours to keep. Luke : Hey, I'm out. This is Becca and her Okay. Bye now. cousin Joyce. And Joyce is for you. Claire : I say we bag dinner with my dad, and go Manny : What? I'm on a date? But I'm not find that hot spring. wearing any cologne. Phil : Honey, we can't just ditch your father. He wanted us all to be together. Alex : Did you know this was happening? Claire : We are always together. Oh, my God, Haley : I don't even know what this is. what are we gonna hear that we've never heard Luke : Joyce, this is Manny. before? Mitch and Cam's inspiring story of how Manny : Pleasure to make your acquaintance. Lily saved that kid with the heimlich? Please. Can I offer you a glass of sparkling cider? She hugged him, and he spit his gum out. I say Joyce : He's not how you described him. we get a bottle of champagne, look up at the stars, forget our bathing suits. Luke : Uh, don't worry. You'll love him. Manny, say something romantic. Phil : That does sound hot. Manny : I can't just turn it on. You say Claire : Mm hmm. something romantic. Phil : But I'd just be thinking about your dad Luke : Cool shirt. the whole time. I'm gonna hop in the shower. Becca : Aw! Can I see your room? Claire : What's in there? Luke : Well, I didn't clean it for me. Phil : Nothing. Alex : W... They're going upstairs alone. Is that Claire : Oh. even allowed? Haley : I don't know. Mitchell : Oh, perfect. No, great. If we need any Alex : Should we say something? socks, someone left one in the bed. Haley : Like what? Cameron : Oh, my gosh. There is no way Crispin stays here when he comes to The Alex : Like, "it's not okay"? Beacon. Haley : Well, maybe it is. Is it? Mitchell : What's The Beacon? Alex : I don't know. I just feel like we're not Cameron : The club that he's always raving doing our job as babysitters. about. It's right down the street. Haley : Of course we are. Mitchell : That's where we should go. Somewhere fun for New Year's, while we're still Lily : I'm cold, and I saw a coyote. young... ish. L let's get out of dinner and go there. Claire : ...And Luke turns to him and says, "Dr. Cameron : How? Blaustein, really? Not even dinner first?" Mitchell : I don't know. Um... okay, okay. Um, Phil : Hand to God! Dr. B. told me himself! y you could pretend to get sick at the table. You know, fake a cough, stomachache, dealer's Jay : You know, I'm sorry, but I love this place. I choice. I don't care. Just sell it and get us out of know it's a little rough around the edges, but there. I've always had a good time here, and I'm having a great time tonight. How's your chicken Kiev? Cameron : But what about your dad? He wants the family to be together. Mitchell : It's really good. Mitchell : We are always together. I mean, how Claire : Tasty. many times do we have to hear Claire tell us Phil : Yeah, tastes like Russia. Luke's hilarious comeback to the pediatrician? Mitchell : What are you waiting for? Get sick. Cameron : Not yet. I'll know when it's time. Jay : Eh, kind of a bust. Everybody bailed on Jay : Honey. me. I'm gonna hit the sack. Gloria : Ay. Eleanor : Hey, we just had a guy who bailed on us. You play Hold'em? Jay : You were sleeping. Jay : Yeah, but I should probably, uh... What's Gloria : I was. Ay, I'm so sorry, Claire. It wasn't the buy in? because you were telling again the Luke and the doctor story. It's just that I've been so tired Eleanor : Jay... Say hello to, uh, Marty, Bugs... lately. Bugs : Hey. How ya doin', Jay? Phil : Oh. Oh, gosh. Are you okay? She's been Eleanor : My ex husband Hugo... feeling bad all day. Hugo : Hey, how you doing? Claire : Oh. Yeah, you know. I think I might be Eleanor : And Billy Dee. coming down with a little something. Billy : Hey. Phil : Oh, man. Jay : Are you serious? Billy Dee Williams? I'm a Mitchell : Oh, my God. huge fan. Cameron : I know. I drank out of her glass Billy : Well, now you have to stay, since none of earlier. these guys have seen me in anything since Mitchell : No. She's stealing our excuse. "Mahogany." Cameron : What? Bugs : Never even saw that. Jay : Honey. Hugo : Me either. Gloria : Wake up, Gloria! Jay : You're kidding. Billy Dee's an alderman Jay : Easy. If that makes a mark, I get the stink trying to keep Diana Ross in Chicago, rather eye. I'm gonna walk her upstairs. I think you than become an international model and need to lie down. designer. My son made me watch it with him. He's gay. Gloria : Okay. Just a little disco nap. Billy : Oh, good. I didn't want to be the one to Mitchell : Okay. Well, this has been fun. tell you. Jay : No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Keep the party going. I'll be back as soon as I can. Cameron : Excuse me! Sir, excuse me! He's Mitchell : There it is. Now? doing this on purpose! Cameron : No, I have something stuck in my Mitchell : He probably just doesn't notice us. throat. Cameron : How can he not notice us? We're the Mitchell : It's too bad Lily's not here to give you only people in here in sleeves! the heimlich. Did we ever tell you guys that story? Do you wanna tell it? Yeah, let me tell it. Bartender : Hey there. What can I get for ya? Okay. Cameron : Excuse me, young man. I was here first. Gloria : Jay, you should go back and spend Mitchell : Young man? Why don't you just call time with your family. him whipper snapper? Jay : I can't leave you alone on New Year's Eve, Cameron : Ugh. This is ridiculous. We can't even though everyone's waiting for me to come even get a drink. Everyone in here's 11, and I'm back. hot! Gloria : Aw, that's so sweet. Mitchell : If we were hot, we'd be drinking right now. Hi. Jay : Yeah. I just hope I don't hold up the lighting of the cherries jubilee. Cameron : Yeah, and if we'd stayed put, we'd be enjoying cherries jubilee right now! Gloria : Jay, if you really want to go and... Mitchell : Hey, hey, hey. Cam, come on. It's new Jay : Okay. year's Eve. We're out together. Where's fun Cam who likes to dance? Jay : Where'd everybody go? Cameron : Here. Waiter : I don't know. I guess they all left. You Mitchell : Wh... where... where is he? still want the cherries jubilee? Cameron : I'm over here. Jay : Light 'er up. Mitchell : Oh, there he is! Come on! Cameron : Okay, I'm sorry. I was just feeling Eleanor : Hey, if it isn't Jay Plunkett. invisible! It'll get better! Okay, you know what? Jay : It isn't. It's... it's Jay Pritchett. That is wet. I'm done. Eleanor : You having a good New Year's? Mitchell : Oh! God! God, no! Claire : I don't wanna have an adventure. I Alex : They've been in there forever. Do don't wanna have fun. I wanna have sex with something. You're in charge. you. Haley : Oh, please. We both know I'm just a Phil : Wha... what? figurehead here. You really think they're doing Claire : Don't make me say it again. something in there? He's 12. Phil : No, I want you to say it again. Maybe Alex : He's 14, but it's touching how close you throw my name in there this time. Claire, what's are. going on? Haley : Fine. Claire : Do you know that it's been a month? Luke : What do you want? Phil : No, it hasn't. Haley : You have to keep your door open. Claire : Mm hmm. Yes, it has. Mm hmm. Day Luke : Why? after Thanksgiving. I remember because I came in under budget on all of my Christmas gifts, Alex : Uh, well, why do you need it closed? and you know how that gets me going. Luke : Because we're gonna make out. Phil : Oh, yeah. Yeah. I made that joke about Haley : Well, you... You can't have your door your clothes being half off. closed. Claire : And yet we still did it, 'cause that's the Luke : Why? Do you wanna to watch or kind of people we used to be. What happened? something? That's weird. Phil : Nothing happened. We're busy. It was the Alex : Ew! holidays. Dede was here. You know, she has a Haley : Ew! Of course we don't wanna watch. way of... Luke : Perfect. Claire : Mnh. Haley : But you can't... Phil : Shutting that whole thing down. Alex : What are you d... Claire : But is this who we are now? I mean, Haley : What just happened? first it's a month, then it's a year, then we're sleeping in twin beds and you're calling me "mother." And I can't even bear it, 'cause we're Manny : Can I offer you a pina Delgado? It's my just like my grandp... own concoction. Phil : Let's go find that hot spring and start this Joyce : What's in it? new year off with... Sex in a hot spring. Manny : Let's just say it's cool, it's sweet, and it's not afraid to embrace its own whimsy. Mitchell : All right, all right. Where... where Joyce : I'm not saying that. I'm not drinking it, should we try next? Am I yelling? I'm yelling. either. Cameron : Yes. Yeah. Maybe we should just go Manny : So... you making any resolutions? get some frozen yogurt and call it a night. Joyce : Yeah. No more blind dates. Mitchell : No, Cam, come on. We can't have Lily : You're mean. another New Year's where we don't even make it to midnight. I... this entire holiday is just a giant Manny : You know, she's right, Joyce. You are reminder of how the clock is ticking. You know, mean. I've been a gracious host while you've each passing second is just bringing us that been rude, sullen, and dull. You'll forgive me if I much closer to death. choose not to start the new year on such a negative note. Oh, and if you're hungry for Cameron : All this because I suggested some broccoli later, you'll find a piece in your teeth. fro yo? Mitchell : I'm... I'm sick of feeling old. I I really need this. Claire : Where is this stupid path? We've been walking forever. Cameron : Okay. Let's get you to midnight. Phil : We'll find it. Mitchell : 'Kay. Oh, look, he's our age. Wherever he's going, I'm sure he'll fit right in. Claire : Did that bellman seem a little off to you? Cameron : Okay. Okay, no judgment. Perfectly Phil : Oh, totally. Maybe there is no hot spring. acceptable lifestyle. Maybe this is all part of an elaborate plan to kill us. Mitchell : Just not for us. Claire : Why would you even say that? Cameron : No! Phil : I'm just trying to lighten the mood. You Mitchell : Okay, but we are not giving up, all seem so tense. Come on. This is an adventure. right? We're like Goldilocks. The first bar was This is fun. too young, the second was... whatever that was, and the third will be just right. Cameron : Mitchell... Three bears. Mitchell : I mean... right? Here. This one. Eleanor : Aces and eights. Cameron : You wanted to feel young. Billy : Lady sings the blues. Three Jacks. Mitchell : And I do. Jay : Sorry, Billy Dee, but where do you go to tattle on prince Harry when he's naked in Vegas? Straight to the queen. Joyce : I'm sorry. I push people away. I feel myself do it, but I can't stop. Hugo : Well, that's it. I'm out. Manny : It's hard to like someone when you Eleanor : Me, too. Oh, hell, it's almost 11:00. I don't like yourself. gotta do my set in the starlight room, and I'm missing a pasty. Joyce : You're right. Billy : Oh, what's the matter with everybody? Manny : You have so many good qualities. It's early yet. You're attractive, you're witty, you're bright. I just wish you could see yourself through my Jay : Yeah, I'm having fun for the first time eyes. since I got here. Joyce : Aw, you're such a good friend. Gloria : Jay? Manny : Friend? That's where this is headed? Jay : How long has she been there? Joyce : Well... friendships last longer. Gloria : What are you doing here? Manny : Not this one. I've got enough friends. Jay : Gloria... Everybody ditched me, these guys Happy New Year, Joyce. invited me to play poker, and look who I'm sitting next to. Gloria : Eh... Alex : So what's the plan, Haley? Jay : Oh, she has no idea. Haley : I'm going in. That's our baby brother up there. I'm not ready for all of this. The girls, the Billy : Hello, I'm Billy Dee Williams. hormones... it's gross. Gloria : Hello. I'm Gloria Dee wife. Jay, it's Alex : Well, we can't just barge in. I'm still almost midnight, and we forgot to buy my trying to get the image of mom and dad out of grapes. my... Oh, God, it's back. Jay : Did you try room service? They probably Haley : I'm coming in! have grapes. Luke : What are you doing? Eleanor : Oh, nothing fresh. But you can always fish some out of a can of fruit cocktail. Haley : Just putting away some laundry. Gloria : Jay, you know that I need real grapes Luke : That's a bra. And a tablecloth. for my wishes. Becca : Can't you do this later? Jay : It's a Colombian tradition. It's only Haley : Excuse me. Does your mother know moderately insane. you're here? Billy : Well, I have grapes at my house. Becca : Yes. Jay : No, I don't want you to blow New Year's. Haley : Does she know our parents aren't? Billy : Oh, please. Every night is New Year's for Becca : ...Yeah. Billy Dee. Haley : Big pause, no eye contact. I was so Gloria : I like you, Billy Dee. much better at this than you. You're out. Luke : No, she's not. Gloria : So at midnight, you eat them and then Haley : Yes, she is. It's late, you're 13... you make your wishes. Alex : 14. Billy : Well, that sounds vaguely familiar. I Haley : 14, and unless Nicole Bitchie here might have heard about that when I did that wants me to call her parents and tell them she "Love boat" with Charo. You know Charo? lied... Gloria : He's so obsessed with Charo. Becca : I better go. Bye, Luke. Jay : No kidding. Luke : Wait. Why does she have to go? Gloria : Oh, my God. A classic Rolls Corniche. I Haley : Because I said so. have been in love with this car my whole life. In Luke : You're not the boss. my village, if you didn't drive one of these, you couldn't call yourself a drug lord. Alex : Don't talk back to your sister. Billy : Would you like to drive it? Luke : Ugh! I hate you! Gloria : Does the bear sit in the woods? Haley : You hate me now, but someday you'll thank me! I think I owe mom a huge apology. Billy : Classic Charo. Lily : Is anyone watching me? Claire : Mmm? So... Was it worth my meltdown? Phil : It always is. Just you and me, under the Mitchell : Oh, free drinks. More free drinks. desert sky. I'm Lawrence of Arabia, you're Mrs... Thank you. Thank... they can't hear me. Thank of Arabia. you! Man : Hey there. Cameron : This is what models must feel like. Claire : Oh, my God. Man : Excuse me, but has anyone ever told you Man : Sweet. You're the first ones here. you look like a young van Johnson? Welcome. Mitchell : Oh, no. That... that's so sweet, Claire : Uh, welcome to what? though. Thank you. Man : To Nude Year's Eve. You saw the flyer? Cameron : Mm. Free pass? Phil : No. Mitchell : Pull up van Johnson on your phone. I need to know how I feel about that. Robby : No. I told them. Cameron : He was gorgeous. You're fine. Phil : Robby. Mitchell : This is nice, huh? Compliments, free Claire : So I... whoa. Nude Year's Eve? You said drinks. What could be better? Nude Year's Eve. Bartender : Alright gentlemen! Almost midnight! Phil : It's clever. Pucker up. Robby : Yeah. Man : We're the Palm Springs nudist association. Haley : New Year's is so weird, the way it makes It's how we celebrate the new year. you think about time. Claire : I can see. Man : Fresh. Like newborns. Men : Ten... nine... eight... Robby : Naked. Mitchell : Cam. Phil : Yeah. I got that. Yeah. Cameron : Mm? Claire : Oh, my God. We have to get out of here. We have to get out of here. Haley : I think that's why people put so much Phil : Our clothes are trapped under that pile. pressure on themselves to have fun. You really wanna stand there naked sifting through all those drawstring pants? Oh, okay. Scooting over. Men : Seven... six... five... Claire : Just... just scootch in. Phil : Okay. Haley : I mean, I guess I sorta get it. Claire : Scootin'. Ah. Phil : Hey. All : Four... three... two... one! Claire : Phil, something just touched me, and Gloria : Quick, quick! Make your wishes! it's not from your side. Phil : Oh! Haley : Like right now I wish I could just slow Man : Who wants champagne? down time, 'cause I am so not ready for him to Woman : Oh, I'll have some. grow up yet. Claire : Okay. Oh, my gosh. Alex : I know. I want him to stay our stupid little brother. Hey, happy New Year. Woman : Oh, sorry. Pardon the reach. Haley : You too. Phil : Thank you. Alex : Oh, my God, what is in this? Claire : We gotta make a run for it. Haley : Oh. Sorry. That one's mine. Phil : Well, now it's just gonna seem rude. Claire : Phil. Claire : ...And I swear to you, I was so nervous, I think I might have put on somebody else's Gloria : I love this car so much! underwear. I'm not kidding. Jay : Where you gonna take us next, Billy Dee? Cameron : Ew! Billy : A surprise that's gonna blow your mind. Mitchell : I love this story. And just call me Billy. Claire : Almost as good as yours, van Johnson. Jay : Not doin' it. Cameron : Oh, my God! Oh, look. Here comes Jay. I feel bad he missed all this fun. Bartender : And these are from the gentlemen Mitchell : Hi, dad. at that table over there. Jay : Look, they're back. My devoted family. Everyone, this is our dear friend, Billy Dee Williams. Billy : Hey, hey. Phil : Oh, my God, it's Lando. Excuse me, Mr. Williams, I just have to tell you, I've loved you since I was a little boy. I'm so starstruck right now. Billy : Well, you must be Mitchell. Jay told me all about you.