4x1 Bringing Up Baby Shorty : It'syour special day, buddy. Should we put him in thetrunk? Jay : Good morning! Phil : Why would weput him in thetrunk? Manny : There'sthebirthday boy! 65 candleson Shorty : You said therewereno bad ideas. onecake. Thisisa big day for you... and for the astronautswho can seeit from space. Jay : Get thisstupid thing off me! Gloria : Happy birthday to you. Phil : I thought you said the hood would calm him down. Jay : Thank you. And just so everyoneknows, I want a quiet day. No surprises. Dale : It workswith my falcon. Gloria : No surprises. Shorty : Don't worry, Gloria. We'll have him back in timefor dinner. Manny : Which for him is at 4:00 in the Gloria : Last night, I found out that I am afternoon. pregnant, so Jay's gonna get one big surprise. Okay, two if you count thebarbecue apron with Phil : 'Causehe'sold! I love it! thebikini body on it. [OPENING CREDITS] Manny : I don't blame you, Jay. You'd had enough excitement in onelifetime... Thedawn of Mitchell : Thisisreally good coffee. flight, printed books, agriculture. Cameron : It really is. Jay : All right, what'swith all thejokes? Mitchell : Isit a medium roast or... Manny : It's insult comedy. I've been watching old Dean Martin roasts online. Like this guy Cameron : Uh, dark. knows from the Internet. The other morning, I Mitchell : Oh. I was gonna say dark. I don't saw him looking for thecrank on thefront of his know why I said medium. car. Cameron : Well, you would'vebeen right. Jay : Okay, you'redone. Mitchell : Isit wholemilk or... Manny : I make fun, and we laugh. But in all Cameron : 2%. seriousness, if you see a light today, don't walk Mitchell : 2%. Okay. Thisisridiculous. Weneed towardsit. to talk about theelephant in theroom. Jay : I'm sorry I wasasleep when you got home. Cam and Mitch must be disappointed. They werereally geared up to get that kid. Cameron : Thegiant stuffed elephant wasa gift from our good friend Pepper. Gloria : But there'sa silver lining. Mitchell : Gay guys having kids is... it's Jay : You might be right. Babies are a lot of relatively new, so our community has not yet work. learned how to modulatebaby gifts. Gloria : No, that'snot what I mean. I'm... Cameron : When Steven and Stefan had little Jay : Ah, you know, and thesetwo aren't getting Rocco, our friend Longinus sent over the whole any younger. Thelast thing they need isto start cast of "Yo gabba gabba". over. Mitchell : Now Rocco cries whenever he sees Gloria : Would that beso bad? bright colors. Phil : Hey, Jay. Cameron : I'm not allowed over there. Shorty : Hey! Dale : Hi. Mitchell : I guess we should donate it Jay : What areyou doing? somewhere, along with the 800-pound gorilla. I Phil : What theheck isthat? mean, you know, now that we're not getting a baby. Jay : What? Cameron : A decision, by theway, which seems Phil : Get him! even better in thelight of day. Mitchell : Mm. No, I totally agree. Phil : Jay hasbeen very explicit about what he Cameron : So we'regood? wants to do for his 65th birthday, but Phil Dunphy readsbetween thelines. Mitchell : No, we'regreat. Cameron : We couldn't have handled this any better. Jay : What the hell is going on?! What are you doing?! Mitchell : No. Phil : Making your birthday dreamscomestrue. Lily : Where'smy new baby brother? Cameron : Okay. Uh, slight oversight. Lily : Can I seehim? Can wenamehim Larry? Manny : Wow. Cameron : Okay, sweetie. Here, have a seat Gloria : What? You'renot happy? with us. Um, listen. There'ssomething weneed Manny : Yeah. Sure. It's just a lot to take in. to tell you. And I'll be honest, this isn't coming at a great Lily : Isit about Larry? timefor me, with everything I'vegot going on. Mitchell : Well, uh, yes. Uh, sort of. Um, it... it Gloria : Thisisnot your responsibility. turnsout that... We'renot getting a baby. Manny : Neither isour wooden salad bowl, but Cameron : Yeah, and I know this... this makes I'm the only one who oils it. Without me, that you very sad, but I promise you we're still a thing would soak up dressing likea sponge. family... Gloria : Manny, I can takecareof a baby. I took Lily : Can I havea kitten? careof you. Cameron : A kitten? Manny : Please. I was an anomaly. I self-potty Lily : If I can't have a brother, then I want a trained. I just did not get the appeal of kitten named Larry. intentionally soiling one'spants. That said, I will admit to missing thekisseson my tummy. How Mitchell : Okay, w-what's this about? Is Larry did Jay takeit? on a show? Gloria : I haven't been ableto tell him yet. Cameron : He'snot, which iswhat'sweird. Manny : Hemight not betoo thrilled. Gloria : Do you think? I wasstarting to wonder Claire : Ooh! How wasprom? thesamething. Alex : So fun. Michael and I danced all night... Manny : Hedoesn't deal well with change. And then we stayed after and helped clean up, which wasawesome becauseI got to meet next Gloria : I know. Hestill checksthefront step for year'strig teacher. theevening paper. Claire : That isnot theprom I remember. Manny : Don't worry, mom. I'm surehe'll adapt. Although, he still does call the remote the Haley : I havesuch a bad headache! "Clicker." Claire : That's the prom I remember. Were you Gloria : Ay, yeah. drinking? Haley : Mom, do wereally haveto do this? You ask if I was drinking, I say "No," and we both Lily : I'm bored, daddy. Makethecar dance. know that that'snot true. I mean, aren't wepast Mitchell : All right. But just for a second, all thispoint in our relationship? right? Claire : No, young lady, wearenot. Lily : Do it again. Haley : Then I wasn't drinking. Mitchell : No. Oncewasenough. Dylan : Meneither, Mrs. D. Lily : If I can't have a brother, then I want the Claire : Dear God. Tell mehedid not spend the car to dance. night here. Mitchell : Wow, you are really comfortable Haley : Mom, do wereally haveto do this? playing that card. Hey! Cameron : They wouldn't take 'em. They were afraid they might havebedbugs. Manny : Mom, I have a big decision to make about poetry camp thissummer. Mitchell : Are you serious? They rejected our donation? Gloria : Is this about thewalking sticks again? Pack them all and decidewhen you'rethere. Cameron : I was so offended, I almost didn't buy this fiestaware creamer. 2 bucks. Didn't Manny : I can either focus on sonnets or free know what they had. verse. I've always fancied myself a sonneteer, But I'm thinking thefree versegirlswill befreer Mitchell : Ah! Score. with everything, if you catch my meaning. So what arewegonna do now? Gloria : Hmm? Ay. I'm sorry, Manny. I'm sure Lily : Get a kitten and then nameit Larry. you will maketheright decision. Mitchell : Lily, honey, thisishardly theday to Manny : Areyou okay? You seem distracted. get a kitten, okay? Would you just tell her? Gloria : Manny, sit down. I have to tell you Cameron : I don't know. I kinda want onenow. something. You know, we have been through a lot, and Manny : What? maybethepresenceof a cuddly littlefriend will help useasethepain. Gloria : I am pregnant. Mitchell : Okay, so what you're saying is, you Manny : You'rewhat? have a child-shaped hole in your heart, and Gloria : I'm going to havea baby. your plan isto cram a cat into there? Cameron : Hehasa name. Claire : You are in no position to be asking for favors, young lady. Here. Drink this. It'sfor your hangover. Phil : I can't wait till your eyes adjust to the light, and weseethelook on your face. Haley : Ugh. It smellsgross. Jay : I hateyou guys. Claire : Well, thenyou better drink it fast. Shorty : Hey, Phil, you ever think about growing Haley : Ew! I'm gonna throw up! Ugh! Ugh! a beard? I mean, you got thefacefor it. Alex : That'sa hangover cure? Phil : You think? Claire : No. Shorty : Yeah. Phil : That'sfunny. I alwaysthought so, but my Jay : Well, thisisprobably shot. wifedoesn't. Phil : Once again, I'd like to apologize for Shorty : Oh, what does she know? Come on, punching you in thehead. It really wastheonly you got a great nose, those deep-set eyes. I way to save you since you were bound and... mean, you would look good. hooded, which leadsmeto my second apology. Phil : Thanks, Shorty. Shorty : Gentlemen, comeon. Asmy uncleused Shorty : It's, uh, sort of a Jon Hamm in to say, let's not let a botched kidnapping ruin between projects. our wholeafternoon. Jay : Okay, put meback in thetrunk. Dale : He's right. The whole point of this is for you to enjoy the lake with your three best Dale : Relax, you'realmost there. friends. Jay : Nope, I'm donenow! Jay : Stan coming? Phil : Hey, Jay, no! Phil : Burn! Shorty : No! No! No! Hey! Dale : So... 65, huh? You're heading into the Phil : Jay! Jay! best yearsof your life. Jay : Son of a bitch! Somebody help me! Shorty : That'sright. You put in thework. You Shorty : I would, but... but these pants are climbed themount in. Now it'stimeto reap the cashmere! rewards. Phil : I got you, Jay! Jay : I guessyou'reright. Shorty : You gotta calm him down! Punch him Phil : Soundspretty good to me. in thehead! Shorty : You know, themoreI look at you, the Dale : Don't punch him in thehead! angrier I get that you don't got a beard. Phil : Don't make me punch you! I will punch Phil : I had a soul patch once.