LORD ROBERT WINSTON Cation

The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper issue 1046 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 28 NOVEMBER 2002 free

WORLD Government leaders can’t seem to make up their minds as national demo looms AIDS DAY A focus by Toni Borneo and Positive Action on We stand divided the awareness BY RICHARD WATTS day, which is to take place this THE GOVERNMENT IS fac - Sunday | page 3 ing an internal crisis concerning the future of funding higer edu- LORD ROBERT WINSTON cation. Tony Blair, the Prime Daisy Clay Minister, and his Chancellor, meets Robert Gordon Brown, are understood Winston, the to favour opposing options - top-up fees and a graduate man behind tax respectively - reflecting many of the the split prominent throughout BBC’s popu- the Labour party. Meanwhile, lar science Charles Clarke, the new Educa- programs | tion Secretary, is still “weighing page 10 up the options,” but warned that “the issue of fees is in danger of attaining ‘iconic’ status.” His IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER results will be published in the government’s white paper due week with many VCs of the elite What are the funding options? in January; some anlaysts are Russell group in order to galva- Are you an extremist? The government and the papers have spouted so much about fees predicting the issue will be the nise support for the policy amid How do you decide what is an extrem- and grants and graduate taxes that barefacts thought it would main point of the next election. growing opposition. Chiefs from enlighten you with an all-in-one-place guide to paying for higher ists view and what is simply freedom of Last week, more than seventy Oxbridge, Warwick, Bristol and speech? Opinion | page 5 education writes Philip Howard. The government needs to pay for Labour MP’s signed a motion other institutes discussed vari - your university education somehow, so here are the choices: opposing top-up fees, sentiments ous options and the problems TOP-UP FEES A closer look at SeMS that were echoed by many Vice- facing HE. Professor Patrick Between £0 and £10,000 Toni Borneo and Alf Crossman extinguish Chancellors, particulalry in the Dowling, VC of UniS, has told Dependent on the institution some of the myths about the European north of England and through - barefacts that UniS opposes Typically likely to be around £4,000 – an increase of £3,000 School of Management Focus | page 8 out Wales. Tony Blair held a top-up fees but will continue to Means tested secret meeting earlier this monitor the situation. Preferred by Tony Blair and most Vice-Chancellors barearts sees an Irish vicar Hated by the NUS and most parents. Alex Read pops along to watch Sinead O’ GRADUATE TAX Connor and, shock of all shocks, actually Either limited term fee equivalent to that of top-up fees, or enjoys himself barearts | page 17 Permanent (higher rate of tax for the rest of your life) Possibly extra 1p in the pound on graduates’ income tax The current state of art missing Dependent (like income tax) on your salary Dave Abbott goes to the Bodyworlds & Further into the future Earth from the Air exhibitions to see if they Backed by Charles Clarke to an extent, and by parents. are really any good barearts | page 14 0-000 Hated by the NUS, Tony Blair and many students. -5 In its White Paper in January, the government is expected to pick Life after the womb one or the other, although it is likely to be top-up fees since the “Why don’t they just hide the weapons so mechanism is already in place, and it provides a more immediate that the inspectors can’t find them?” A sug- payment to the universities. There is potential for a life-long gestion for the Iraqis Lifestyle | page 21 graduate tax to act as a segregation between university people and non-university people, as the tax would be insensitive to whether Paying a tuition fee you used your degree to attain your high salary. On the other Interested in trampolining? of £10,500 a year will hand, low-paid science graduates and nurses would have to pay increase If you are interested in all things bouncy, the cost of your less over time under a taxation scheme than under a fees scheme. then turn to the back page to find out how degree to £50,000. you can get involved Sport | page 24 .protect.your.education.

e! This will plunge You’re already brok . Don’t accept it. you deeper into hardship NUS national march The National Union of Students’ please sign up at the Students’ “funding the future” march is on Union reception or e-mail Wednesday, 4th December . [email protected]. There are The Students’ Union is providing only 50 places available and it Take action. React and shout out at the students with a coach to attend is on a strictly first-come-first- DEMONSTRATION. the event and it will leave served basis. December 4, 2002 from outside NatWest at 9am Tickets will cost £2 in order Malet Street, London Ensuring students have a future on the Wednesday morning. to contribute to the cost of the For information: If you would like to go, then coach. 2 NEWS 28 November 2002 Graduates lack key skills Student dies in catapult stunt

A RECENT SURVEY has shown that BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH Witnesses said that Mr Yankov was the sixth new graduates lack three of the skills they EDITOR EDITOR person to be thrown by the machine, but fell consider most important in the workplace short of the net. He struck the side and fell – time management, task juggling and at what skills employers say they need of A STUDENT FROM Oxford University 30ft to the ground. verbal communication. Two thirds of those graduates. This is the first to look at what died last Sunday after a stunt involving a David Aitkenhead, who built the trebuchet, questioned felt that their degree helped their skills graduates perceive they require.” human catapult went tragically wrong. Dino said that before the accident he had career prospects, but only half believed it At the University of Surrey, the Individual Yankov, a 19 year old Bulgarian student and informed those waiting their turn that it was to be a prerequisite. Just under a third said Development training programme aims to a member of a dangerous sports club, fell an “extreme activity” and not guaranteed their degree was irrelevant to their current furnish students with skills that will be of use short of a safety net after being fired 100ft to be totally safe. He was unable to offer area of work. in a working environment, supplementing through the air from a copy of a medieval any explanation as to what had gone wrong The top five skills that graduates said they those learnt during their degree. The siege engine known as a trebuchet. He with the equipment. A spokesman for the gained during their degree were: working Union’s arm of ID, the DAVE project suffered serious leg and spinal injuries and Oxford Stunt Factory said that the club was independently, written communication skills, (Development, Accreditation, Volunteering died five hours after the accident, after being “devastated” by the accident. “The net is the reading and understanding texts, working and Employability) offers courses ranging airlifted to hospital in Bristol. Police are size of a tennis court, so why it didn’t catch under pressure and learning abilities. from working with others to becoming a investigating the incident with the Health him I have no idea,” the spokesman said. However, the top five skills graduates web wizard. Each course is worth 5 ID and Safety Executive, and the operators of “Other people had been on it before, and it believed were of use in the workplace were: points, and when students have gained 20, the catapult may face prosecution. was fine. It had been tested; all the safety time management, working under pressure, 40 or 60, they receive their bronze, silver 20 members of the Oxford stunt Factory, checks and test weights had been done to accuracy, oral communication skills and or gold award. Employers are increasingly which is not an official university club judge distances, and then this happened.” managing different tasks at the same time. looking for graduates who possess qualities despite many of its members being The trebuchet, which has fired a total of 50 The head of institutional planning at beyond their degree, and the ID scheme undergraduates, were experiencing being people through the air this year, was closed University College Northampton, Sheryl is designed to give students the tools to thrown by the catapult in an arc into a safety immediately after the accident and may not Randall, said: “The results were a bit of succeed academically, professionally and net at Middlemoor Water Park in Somerset. be used again. an eye-opener to us. Most employability socially. surveys in the UK and US have looked Epilepsy awareness - what to do

AFTER HAVING AN epileptic seizure in the BY SUZIE JOUGHIN middle of Chancellors, I thought it would be a good idea to write an article for barefacts is over, put them in the recovery position about epilepsy and what to do if someone be quietly assuring has a seizure in front of you. Toni Borneo [c] stay with the person until they are fully and Rich Watts agreed with me, especially conscious. You need to be careful at this after I told them that one in 133 people point because, when someone appears to �� suffer from epilepsy, making it the second come out of a convulsive seizure, they most common neurological condition after are not necessarily fully conscious. For migraines. Epilepsy can develop at any age example, I cannot remember ‘walking’ �� in anyone and EVERYONE has one form from Chancellors to the Health Centre as I of seizure at one point in their lives, though apparently did. most people have it in their sleep, so most [d] go over any missed events with the �� are not aware that it has happened. person So how does a seizure occur? Well, the DON’T: body has its own mechanisms ensuring that [a] try to restrain the person �� messages travel between nerve cells in the [b] put anything in their mouth brain. In epileptics, this sometimes goes [c] try to move the person unless they are in wrong and the messages get scrambled up, immediate danger �� causing the neurones to “fire off” faster than [d] give the person anything to drink until �� usual and in bursts…..hence a seizure. they have fully regained consciousness �� So what triggers off a seizure? Only call an ambulance if: �� [1] Excess alcohol can, and is the most if it is the person’s first seizure and the cause �� common cause of seizures, even in those is unknown | injuries which need medical �� without epilepsy. Regular heavy drinking attention have occurred during the seizure can also cause epilepsy. | the convulsive part of the seizure shows [2] Stress, such as exam times are also a no sign of ceasing after 5 minutes | a second �� common cause. This is probably because seizure occurs without the person regaining your sleep patterns can be upset at times consciousness | the person has been drinking �� such as these. an excess of alcohol. [3] Patterns of light can also trigger seizures. It is a fact, however, that epilepsy still carries �� These include activities such as watching a stigma and some still view it as a mental �� TV, playing on computer games and going illness or handicap. IT’S NOT! Hundreds �� to the union!!!! However, this cause is far of years ago, the young women they used to �� less common than most think as it only burn at the stake because they were witches �� affects 5% of epileptics. who were possessed by the devil, were not at �� [4] Some women find that seizures are all…they were epileptics suffering seizures. linked to their menstrual cycle, however as OK so that doesn’t happen today but some yet no-one quite knows why. do still discriminate against epileptics. The �� [5] Skipping meals and eating an unbalanced fact is most people suffering from epilepsy �� diet can also cause seizures. can and do lead perfectly normal lives and So, what should you do if someone has a living with it doesn’t mean changing your �� seizure in front of you? life all that much. Although perhaps in my �� DO: case I should cut down on the drinking at �� [a] protect the person from injury by the Union! �� removing any sharp or hard objects For support or information the number �� cushion the persons head if they do fall of the UK Epilepsy Helpline Freephone �� down number is 0808 800 5050 �� [b] when the convulsive part of the seizure [email protected] 28 Novermber 2002 NEWS 3 World AIDS day

be everything that I thought I wanted. Confidence streamed out of him. He represented the life I wanted to lead. Eye contact and then we both moved on. We TONI BORNEO met by accident the next day at Brockwell VICE PRESIDENT EDUCATION Park. We went to my flat for sex. Met again AND WELFARE by accident and had sex again, it seemed to get better every time. Hiya. This Sunday is World AIDS Day. I guess I loved him. I have no doubt it My only concern is that everyone will be wasn’t reciprocated. I was a bit on the side. thinking “AIDS happens to other people. “It was April 1990 and I was 23. I had Even being on the side was better than Let’s raise money for them. Great”. AIDS/ “It sounds a absorbed large amounts of information on not figuring at all. I stopped at the chemist HIV doesn’t just happen to other people, HIV and its transmission. I was no expert on the way home, telling myself that it happens to people. It’s only through little like on the finer points of the virus but in theory buying condoms and KY didn’t entail any having chats with reps from RaftSurrey I knew enough about how HIV could be embarrassment at all, when in fact I was (remember?) and Positive Action, both HIV the lottery; passed on to prevent it happening to me and cringing. I had a vague sense of fatality that support charities, that it really dawned on until then I had not been f**cked without AIDS was what the future held for me. me. Unprotected sex once. Once. That’s actually, it’s a condom. It had been hard. Almost every My earlier purchases weren’t used that all it takes. The source could be anyone, time I had sex and a f**k was a possibility, night. The object of my desire wanted to anything. Who knows? It could be me. It just like that I’d felt pressured to leave the latex to have sex with me and for the first time could me you. It sounds a bit like the lottery, one side. That pressure didn’t come from in my life it was good sex. Leaving the and actually it’s just like that but the prize is except the any discrete direction, and no amount of condom box on the floor and the KY tube less welcome. So I have one thing to say to further information could have prevented unopened, we f**ked. It was good because you all. You’ve heard it all before, and most prizes aren’t me having unsafe sex when I did. Informed it affirmed he wanted me. But I couldn’t of the time you’re probably pretty sensible. I may have been, but unfortunately I was forget the information I had absorbed. But most of the time just isn’t good enough. quite so in no position to apply that information What’s more I was alarmed because I didn’t It has to be all the time, or you might as well and respond to the encouragement. Nor know when to say no. I couldn’t stop it. I not bother. It’s this: Just use a condom. Just welcome.” was I particularly happy, and what’s more lacked the skills to protect my own health. use one. (Free from Union, Health Centre my confidence was weakening and my He was bigger than me, not physically but and Nightline). unhappiness deepening. emotionally. Night night x | [email protected] Then there was David. I fell in love with I’d done it. The ultimate. Before that I’d him the way you can when you’re not been a good gay, following the advice. But very happy or confident. Far from it being now I’d failed. I had become a ‘bad gay’, rewarding or negative he did his best to fulfilling, so it seemed, all the stereotypes; Positive Action confirm every negative thought I’d ever no relationship, no career, lots of sex, Since Positive Action was established, we had about myself. We didn’t have unsafe which had now become unsafe. have grown in size to now support over sex. We barely had sex. AIDS was, he said What’s more, like the first viewing of 200 clients and families affected by HIV the perfect excuse not to. This was my first porn, my failure had been exhilarating. and AIDS living in Hampshire, Surrey proper relationship. Twelve months without Despite the negative feelings, it was the and Berkshire. We are a voluntary sector one compliment. The price I paid for this best sex I’d ever had. It had been so good organisation based locally. WE offer a cumulative unhappiness was HIV. – no one had ever warned me about that. range of services from complimentary Then I met Neil, the catalyst. I didn’t set I went back for more. Now it seems therapies, counselling and condom supplies out to have unsafe sex or be infected, but stupid. But what was more stupid was to financial assistance, immigration nor could I have prevented it. It was the that the real reasons for me, and countless advice and legal referrals. We also have product of eighteen months of punishing others, was that the real reasons for safe a free phone number with 24 hour answer myself, physically and emotionally. I sex were barely then talked about. It was service to offer confidential advice with know I shouldn’t have been doing it but I all supposed to be about ignorance and regards to any concerns or queries with carried out. Not once or twice but tens of condoms. I knew about condoms, what I AIDS and HIV. We operate with stringent times. It wasn’t ignorance, just a terrible didn’t know about was myself and how confidentiality guidelines and is delivered consciousness that I shouldn’t have been seductive temporary pleasure can be when on an equal opportunity basis irrespective doing it and an equally awful sense of you’re unhappy.” of personal circumstances or however pleasure. HIV was acquired. We also run a drop He appeared, physically at least, to MICHAEL, DIAGNOSED MAY 1991 in centre where people can meet in a safe and non-judgement environment, be it to have a hot meal, watch a video and chill This testimony has been provided with the likely to forget they’re at risk, as perhaps do than you? Get checked out. It’s anonymous out, do your washing or chat to one of our permission of Health First, via Positive heterosexuals. Believe me, we’re all at risk. through the GUM clinic (Farnham Road three full-time staff members or one of our Action. This story was used because the This isn’t supposed to scare you, just remind Hospital). And don’t forget, there are lots volunteers. sentiments apply to every kind of person, you that you’re nagged to use a condom for of horrible bug lurking out there. HIV is as We are committed to offer our full support not just gay. Straight people are as likely a highly valid reason, and that’s that it could bad as it gets, but there’s Hepatitis C (free in any way we can, so if you do have any to feel, for complex reasons, that they are save your life. So have a think about your sex inoculations for gay men at the GUM clinic) concerns or queries with regards to HIV or willing to risk having unprotected sex. It life up until this point. Have you ever once and Chlamydia and they can all creep up on AIDS then please do not hesitate to contact probably applies to every sexually active had unprotected sex? Do you think that that you with no symptoms. So shut them out us on 0800 980 1990. student reading this feature. Women are person has had other sexual partners other – before they get in! 4 COMMENT 28 Novermber 2002 When will the government learn? IT’S THE ULTIMATE farce, decent go of it without a bit basing student loan and grant of backup money available THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION money entirely on students’ from the parents when things WWW.USSU.CO.UK parents’ bank balances, get tight. I’m not belittling when the government is their achievements, but there trying to remove any class is something fundamentally differences. Why do they do wrong here – why is it This is a chance to let those who make it? The government seems to necessary? have got itself stuck in the PHILIP HOWARD If you were packed off the decisions know how you feel notion that we need to pay to university with a much “The government has gone for education before we get too far down a one way larger student loan (enough The national demonstration, protesting final opportunity to influence what may or educated. Which of course street and been suddenly to comfortably live on), against the current state of student funding, may not be in that document. costs money. I seriously surprised to see traffic completely independent of is on Wednesday, 4th December and is the The government is divided over the issue doubt that there is a single coming the other way” the financial situation of best opportunity for you to let the people of fees - Tony Blair for, Gordon Brown student who could survive at your parents, several things that govern know, en masse, that the current against, Charles Clarke somewhere in the university entirely on overdrafts and student would happen. Firstly, parents would cease level of funding in higher education is unac- middle. Together, with the help of the NUS. loans without any help from their parents to ‘top-up’ their children’s finances, through ceptable. Though this newspaper has often this march may be the one that makes the or a job to help ease the burden. My own a combination of not wanting to – surprise asked you to question why you think that difference. situation is probably not uncommon – I take surprise, parents don’t delight in giving higher education should be free for students, A coach will leave from outside the NatWest the full loan available and my parents top me away money – and an attempt to teach it still stands by the principle that if you are building at 9am on Wednesday; it cost £2 to up with enough to keep me off Extra Value their children some financial control. If my not happy with something, then you take go, but the rest of the cost will be subsidised Beenz every night of the week. People have parents thought I could survive without their action to make your voice heard. The ques- by the Students’ Union. If you would like to different arrangements, but our situations are help they would have gladly not carried the tion of tuition fees, and more importantly in go and let your voice be heard, then e-mail all dictated by our parents – the government financial burden. Secondly, students would the current climate, top-up fees, is one that [email protected]. Due to space restric- only considers their financial situation (with become financially independent much needs to be answered. tions, the tickets will be served on a first- the exception of unearned income and a few sooner – since the government doesn’t pay The infamous white paper on funding will come, first-served basis, so you will have to financial obligations of the student) when enough to keep students independent, those be published in January, so this is one major be quick. calculating loans and grants. whose parents can afford to help least are But what’s so wrong with that? The worst still at a disadvantage, despite the means off (and statistically least likely to consider testing. The government is trying to get Please note that this is the last printed edition of barefacts this semester. There will be an Higher Education) need to be financed students from the traditional working class online version available at www.ussu.co.uk from Thursday of week 14, so make sure you differently to those whose parents can to break with tradition – often against their keep a look out for it then. Otherwise, have yourselves a good holiday and we’ll see you in afford it all. I get a fair loan, and without parents’ expectations – but still they base the New Year. From all at barefacts. my parents’ assistance I could probably the amounts on their parents’ incomes and still manage it on rations and a part time still don’t give them enough for financial job, so it’s not as though my parents still freedom. Once again, the government has THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK control my finances. And there are people gone too far down a one way street and been “Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.” who manage to come to university from suddenly surprised to see traffic coming the LANE OLLINGHOUSE (1923 -), AUTHOR ‘disadvantaged’ backgrounds and make a other way. When will they learn? 28 Novermber 2002 COMMENT 5 Extremism versus freedom of speech - who are we to decide? In the aftermath of the lengthy debate in this week’s student council, Morgan Gooch gives his opinions on some of the issues that have arisen.

I AM AN extremist. I believe in the horrific more important question… for now. The simple fact Although human history is awash with ORGAN OOCH death of all intolerant people (they would how many people do you M G is that if a view has wide examples of arseholes and nutcases twisting be happier outside a world where so much have to offend before you are enough support or confusion good ideas to do harm, the important thing offends them). It’s not a view I shout about considered an extremist? This “human history is awash surrounding it then it is is that the majority remains enlightened too often, any intolerant people nearby is an important issue and one with examples of arseholes controversial, as with animal and can meet views of bigotry with an generally don’t like it and they tend to have that is entirely subjective. I and nutcases twisting good rights, but if it is a small appropriate response without needing to had more practice in brutally beating people think we all agree that anti ideas” enough minority (or there is be shielded from the extremist view. I don’t than I have. As much as I dislike neo-nazis Semitism and all forms of no apparent nobility in the think anything should be censored, it should and all other extremists, I don’t actually racism count as extreme views, but what ideal) then it is extreme. The fact that both just be debated and if it isn’t a defendable want to get in a fight with one because, quite about strong beliefs in animal rights or even views can cause equal harm when taken by view then it should be ridiculed. simply, I’d lose. fruitarianism (the belief that you can and fanatics doesn’t seem to be relevant, and Their views may be extreme, and an What is the relevance of any of this? For should survive eating only that which has really it isn’t because as we all know fanatics irresponsible use of their freedom of speech, anyone who wasn’t at the student council naturally fallen from the trees and nothing can turn the quest of a hippy for peace and but that freedom is still theirs to use however meeting on Tuesday, there was a proposal else)? Should we distinguish between understanding (the new testament) into a they see fit. University shouldn’t protect us put forward about anti-extremism. During holding a minority view and taking extreme quest for blood (the crusades, the Spanish from the world, it should train us to react the ensuing inquisition, the appropriately to it. The extremist may say discussion, “How many people do you have to offend before you protestant/catholic “I believe you are genetically inferior and there was are considered an extremist? What about strong divide in Northern should be eliminated for the evolution of m u c h Ireland etc. etc.). the species” but it is our job to respond, debate as beliefs in animal rights or even fruitarianism We have all heard “I believe you are inferior and should be to whether (the belief that you can and should survive eating about the actions eliminated for the evolution of the species, the word of animal rights as your brain is clearly far too small”. As “ r a c i s t ” only that which has naturally fallen from the activists (carving for the proposal, and which word to use, I s h o u l d trees and nothing else)?” a message into believe that neither word should be used. If a r e p l a c e a documentary view is presented in an appropriate way then the word maker’s back for nobody should be punished for holding that action to back it? Should these views be “extremist” in a clause defining what is one) and we all hear about racist attacks on a view, they should only be punished if it is censored, or merely disagreed with, if they unacceptable within the Union. The real frighteningly regular basis, but do we think anti-social or leads to a hostile environment, are appropriately presented and because no issue is one of freedom of speech. Should of these actions and the people that commit and the two can be exclusive. Well that’s my action is taken in their name? Which is to extremist views be censored because they them differently because of their reasons, view anyway… but I’m an extremist. blame, the ideal or the activist? offend people? Well, maybe. But I have a and should we? I think that’s enough questions to raise Are you HIV prejudiced? Some facts about AIDS revealed Art Ramirez, Managing Director of RAFT Surrey dispells some of the myths surrounding AIDS and HIV

ARE YOU HIV prejudiced? - That hospitals. Clients have identified figures showing the different ways and support to people infected ART RAMIREZ is theme for this year’s World problems with the new foreign in which AIDS is transmitted are and affected by HIV/AIDS. We AIDS Day campaign for the 1st of nurses recruited from Asia. The shown in the chart opposite. have over 100 adult clients, 76 “Most university students December 2002. Most university training and care procedures are Up until June 2002 there have family members and 28 children would categorically state students would categorically state different than those taught in that they are not prejudiced been just over 51,000 reported from the ages of one week to 15 that they are not prejudiced as they the UK. Having a nurse arrive as they are socially aware cases of HIV years of age. are socially aware and informed to change your bed wearing a and informed about the infection in the UK. “Up until June As an agency about the issues in multi-cultural facemask and surgical gloves is issues in multi-cultural There are currently 2002 there have we currently B r i t a i n not amusing! Britain today” nearly 19,000 living have registered t o d a y . This just shows with AIDS diseases been just over with us three The stark AIDS transmission statistics that there is and over 15,000 51,000 reported u n i v e r s i t y evidence 70% - heterosexual contact still ignorance There are over 14 million orphaned people have died of cases of HIV students - two s h o w s 10% - homosexual contact around HIV/ by AIDS. When one looks at the AIDS conditions. undergraduates global statistics you can see that infection in the that there 10% - injected drug use AIDS and A s t o n i s h i n g l y, and one is still i g n o r a n c e this is indeed a over 31,000 of the UK.” p o s t g r a d u a t e prejudice 5% - blood products / tissue can lead to reported cases live student. We a g a i n s t 5% - mother to baby infection p r e j u d i c e d in the greater London area. In are very grateful for funds raised p e o p l e behaviour. the UK there has been an annual by the students at the Fetish Ball with HIV/AIDS. Most young According to figures increase of HIV infections in in November and for the huge people today still believe that HIV published by the World the heterosexual community contribution to our hardship fund is a gay men’s disease and that has Health Organisation there over the last three years. from the Annual Colours Ball. nothing to do to them unless they have been an estimated 64 During this period there has Our thanks go to Toni Borneo, are gay or bisexual. Unfortunately million people around the been a steady drop in HIV Welfare officer, Denise Goodwin, the greatest increase in HIV world infected with HIV. infections in gay men. Over Sports Officer and the Electrical infections in the UK has been in 24 million people have 3000 children have been born Engineering Society (for the the heterosexual community. already died and there are to HIV positive women in this proceeds from their Ann Summers We have anecdotal evidence from 40 million people living with country with only 35% of the party) in the Student’s Union. We our clients who have experienced AIDS disease. HIV infection children going on to show signs run a university accredited training discrimination, social isolation, can lead to AIDS diseases for of HIV infection with the rest programme for volunteers and negative labelling and prejudice those individuals without access to reverting back to negative status. training programmes for health & during their care in hospital and effective treatment. It is estimated RAFT Surrey is a small HIV/ social care professionals. Details in the community. Our clients there are 16,000 new infections AIDS support charity in Northwest about our work and training have had these experiences in the every day. More than 10 million serious life threatening Surrey funded by three Primary are available on the web at leading HIV/AIDS care centres children have been infected with condition affecting & infecting Care Trusts and Surrey Social www.raftsurrey.org in London, not just in provincial HIV and over 8 million have died. heterosexuals in the majority. The Services to provide practical help 6 UNION 28 November 2002 It is starting to get to crunch point: oney the constitution is almost through M atters For far too long now I Council to ensure the process have been writing articles was completely legitimate. ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF regarding the constitution On Tuesday 26th November POSTGRADUATE STUDY? and what changes the new Student Council voted to version contains. Last week adopt the new constitution. If so, then you should not bank on receiving funding for postgraduate study. Competition this paper contained a report On the same day University for postgraduate places is phenomenal and it is a good idea to start looking for funding as regarding how the university Senate also agreed to pass on early as possible. It is much easier to get a place on a course than it is to get the money to were not satisfied by a few of the constitution to University pay for it, to the point where many postgraduates have to fund themselves with loans. If the points in the constitution. Council to approve. The AUL RIGHT you are offered funding, make sure that it covers both tuition and maintenance. Through discussion with P W next step is to ratify the Peter Beardsley, the USSU PRESIDENT constitution at week 14, Possible sources of funding are: University Registrar we Tuesday 10th December negotiated a series of minor - 1pm Lecture Theatre L, government funding The proposed con- • changes to the proposed bring a friend! The new • Socrates-Erasmus constitution. These changes stitution was passed constitution will eventually • employers mean that the constitution almost unanimously. take effect once University • companies as a whole needed to be Council approves it. • trusts and charities re-voted upon by Student • local authorities • university postgraduate studentship awards • university departments These are the • research assistantships tables for pass rate • loans from banks figures for SeMS course over the last Don’t forget – if you need further advice about financial or other welfare issues, the Student two years. If you Advice & Information Service is here to help you: would like a copy of the SeMS article Student Advice& Information Service (SAIS): Wey Flat 2 | Surrey Court featured on page t: [68]9261 | e: [email protected] 8, along with the table for academic year 1999/2000 (which was omitted because of space) then please e-mail [email protected] and we will be happy to pass it on to you. Thanks to Toni and Alf for their input into the SeMS feature.

Christmas opening times at USSU

Monday 23rd December 2002 Chancellor’s Bar will be open all day Food service will cease at 2.30pm

Tuesday 24th December 2002 Chancellors’ will be open for morning coffee only and will close at 12noon Union house will close at 12noon

Tuesday 31st December 2002 The HRB will be open for New Year’s Eve

Union house will open for business as usual on Thursday 2nd January 2002.

NOTICES

Taiwanese Society AGM | 28th November 6.30pm | LTK

Tamil Society AGM | 29th November 6pm | Union Committee Room

Music Society AGM | 29th November 7pm | Helyn Rose Bar

Malaysian Student Society | 29th November | 8pm LTJ

Ultimate Frisbee EGM | 4th December |2pm Hari’s Bar 28 November 2002 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 7 The deadlines are approaching

I just wanted to remind you, demanding questions before should you need it, that the transferring them to the form. closing dates which many of You’ll produce a much better the larger employers set for final version that way. receiving application forms [5] Don’t rush. Too many What is the Alumni Society? tend to be around this time mistakes and illegible hand- of year. I thought it would writing may mean instant Over the last few months, you have been magazines, newsletters, organise reunions, be timely to provide a few rejection. reading articles written by graduates of assist in networking opportunities and a quick tips on application [6] If it is an on-line UniS – headed with the logo of the Surrey whole lot more! form completion in case DR RUSS CLARK application, write your Alumni Society – but do you know anything So I guess the next question is: why are you’re planning to meet their answers in Word first before about us? we bothering with you when you are still deadlines. the closing dates for cutting and pasting onto the I guess I could turn this into a quiz, offer students – and therefore not yet in our application forms for larger form. That way you can a prize and hope that some of you may domain? To be truthful, we are desperately [1] Consider the job you’re employers are drawing grammar and spell-check actually enter. We stand a chance of raising trying to bribe you with anything and applying for - what type of near... your answers. our profile – however, we’ve been there, everything – just so that once you do person do they want? [7] Avoid blank or very short done that – and concluded that it doesn’t graduate – you actually do want to keep in [2] What have you done in answers to questions but don’t work! Consequently I shall explain to you touch with UniS via us! the past to prove your suitability? The more go to the other extreme and write a thesis in who we are and what we do. What can we do for current students? demanding questions on application forms answer to every question. Who are we? Currently there are two of Quite a lot actually! Just think, we have are designed to find this out. Anything [8] Keep a copy, at least of your answers to us in the Alumni Office, Jane Cohen, the a database of over 26,000 graduates you’ve done could be relevant whether it is the more open-ended questions. A quick Alumni Officer who has been here for the – yes, people who have one major thing in work, study or spare-time activities. re-read before the interview will help you to many years and set up the Society; and common with you – your place of study [3] Read as much as you can about the ‘tune in’ to the job much more effectively. employer before you start writing. myself, Amintha Buckland, the Alumni – UniS. You may already have met us at the [4] Draft your answers to the more www.surrey.ac.uk/careers Events Co-ordinator, who joined UniS Fresher’s Fayre, Careers Fair (we were the in July 2001 after graduating from the ones giving our free mugs – if you missed University of Leicester. out – come along on the 12th December to By Adam Collard What do we do? We run the only society Lakeside between 2-4pm) and countless that you can’t join until you leave the other places. English-speaking. This was extremely university! The Surrey Alumni Society is A question for you? What else could we detrimental to my goal of becoming fluent. your graduate society – a bit cheesy, I know, do for you? A dangerous question I fear! lacement For the first three weeks my supervisor was but it does explain us pretty accurately! Reasonable suggestions would be gratefully on holiday in England visiting his family. Basically once you leave Surrey, we become received – email: [email protected]. I’d been left with tasks to complete, which I your main point of contact – we send you soon finished. When he returned I presented S EAK my achievements and it was then that his management style began to adversely There will be no careers and skills talks this week. affect the amount of work I was doing. I prefer being set tasks with specific goals If you would like to register with Careers, please email [email protected], or visit in person. with a deadline. My supervisor preferred Please keep an eye on your University email and www.surrey.ac.uk/careers for the most up to date information As part of my course I was required to to point me in a particular direction and let spendP at least 6 months in a French speaking me wander my way through to define and country, in practice this means spending a eventually reach a goal. We didn’t mix well. year in France. Luckily, my department I began to get more and more distracted knew two companies in France with whom from my work, finding it hard to knuckle they had good relations, so I was given down and get on with what I was supposed the choice of the two. On the one hand to be doing. This was maybe a fault of was Recif, a Toulouse based company that mine, but having no supervision whatsoever manufactured equipment to handle silicon allowed me to continue this way for a good wafers (the material computer processors part of the year. My work was individual, I are made out of); on the other, the «Institut did not collaborate with anyone else in my Laue Langevin» (ILL), a scientific research department or otherwise throughout my laboratory in Grenoble, funded by the entire year. I judged it to be of little value to French, English and German governments. the company and could not see any effects My decision was made on the differing - positive or negative - of me succeeding. proposed areas of work: at Recif I would be The only meetings between my supervisor doing more hardware based work, whereas and myself occurred immediately before any ILL would be software based, hence I chose visits from my University tutors to put on a ILL. show and make the most of what I had done. The ILL is a world leader in neutron-based In the end having no motivation whatsoever research and is situated right in the heart of to do the work, I failed my placement year the French Alps. Before leaving home soil I by not having logs of what I’d done and not had several hopes and expectations of what sending in progress reports. Outside of work, was to come. Over the year I hoped to gain I enjoyed the year immensely and view it as an insight into the professional world, to put a success. I spent every Saturday (during the into real world practice some of the things season) learning how to snowboard, and had learnt in lectures and finally to become a great time visiting places in the area. fluent in French. I offer these gems of advice for all of you I started work at the ILL in August 2001 heading off on placement next year: if and it was all very relaxed, the dress code things start going wrong - shout! Approach was non-existent and jeans and t-shirts were your supervisor first, then if that doesn’t commonplace. You could always tell when work contact your placement tutor. If you’re someone first came to visit the place, their going to a foreign country, then make the shirt and tie stood out a mile! My supervisor effort and immerse yourself in the language was English, as was his boss… my circle and culture. of friends soon turned into exclusively 8 FOCUS: SEMS 28 November 2002

surrey european school of management SeMS: the truth

Toni Borneo, who has been heavily involved in the reforms of SeMS, sheds some light on common myths

The School of European Management is number of Chinese students who were/are well as expected). The statistics speak for TB: Can you confirm that the pass rates a division of the School of Management, concerned that we do not teach in the way they themselves and demonstrate a much higher published in this edition of barefacts are and has the largest intake of International expected, they are also accustomed to the US pass rate. I think any student concerned about correct and up to date? How do they differ students of all UniS departments. Of course marking system with the pass mark at 60%, these rumours should ask themselves a number from the pass rates that SEMS students may the multicultural learning environment is whereas we do not operate this system and of questions. First, if the pass rates were really have seen and why? welcome, but what implications does it have lower marks are considered very acceptable. so low would the university allow us to AC: The pass rates provided by the school upon the department with regards to student In order to ascertain the extent of the problem continue to operate? Second, if we are really to barefacts are accurate and were up-to-date support? For some time now, there has been SEMS set up an investigation, conducted this poor, why do we still get around 60% of at the time provided - they will be slightly a sense of unrest at SEMS, and students have by two SEMS academics. This resulted in a our students from personal recommendations? different to those provided to students already. been asking questions about teaching methods detailed report setting out the expectations To overcome this we need to be more open They are subject to change as students who and pass rates. Unfortunately, the stress levels, of the Chinese students and the perceived with students (whilst protecting information have taken time out may come back and which have risen amongst SEMS students due shortcomings. Issues highlighted in the report as required under the DPA) and publish complete successfully. The statistics provided to confusion about their chances of success, were: teaching and assessment style; concern information on pass rates in a more user- here refer to numbers on intake and pass rate at have created an atmosphere of distrust and about rumours of low pass rates; and English friendly manner. Third, would students trust a MSc, PG Dip and PG Cert. The figures do not frustration. I have only been approached by language teaching. I think it is fair to say that, university or school that published pass rates include students with extensions, suspensions Chinese students studying at SEMS, mainly with the exception of the rumours, many of the that are identical every year? The SEMS pass or who have been terminated or have because they have traveled a long way, and concerns voiced by SEMS students apply to rates change yearly in total and by programme withdrawn, simply those who have passed to paid high fees to be here and want to make other schools in the university. as the figures indicate. date. This means the results can only get better sure that they have chosen the right University. TB: Can you outline the plans that have been TB: Students are concerned that next year, as we add in successful students. These rates They assure me that they are not the only represent absolute minima. However, these student group seeking answers. statistics only apply to full-time students, as SEMS are just as aware of the rumours and the these appear to be relevant for comparison. lack of trust as the Students’ Union. Following “How can students help SeMS become a TB: How can students help SEMS become a a spate of Academic Appeals from SEMS, more supportive academic department? almost without exception from Chinese more supportive academic department?” AC: The best way is to tell us about any students, the department realised that there concerns they have before they turn into are also issues of learning support that needed made to put this improvement into practice? the pass mark for each module will be 50%, problems and be prepared to believe our to be addressed and Alf Crossman (formerly AC: As you are aware, when the report was compared with this year’s 40% per module. answers. If they come with concerns but are Programme Director at SEMS) set up a task submitted, a task group chaired by me was Can you tell us why this has changed? not willing to accept the answers we provide, group to face all of these difficulties head on. established to consider the findings and AC: The reason for the increase in the module then there is no point. Think about our beliefs I was invited as your representative in areas investigate ways of improving the student pass mark to 50% is being introduced across as academics; none of us want to, or would, concerning Education and Welfare to ask the experience. The task group is not restricted the federal university in order to standardise work in a school or university that we do not relevant questions and make student-friendly to SEMS and draws on university- wide every school and programme. I have believe in. To do so would create a negative suggestions. Colin Howard, the Dean of experience. The principle group is comprised encountered this twice in previous universities impact on our reputations as well. Students also had students’ welfare in mind, as of me (Chair) Prof. Peter Kangis (Head and I have to say the impact on overall pass The current pass rates for SEMS are indeed did the remaining two members of the of SEMS), yourself and Colin Howard. In rates was non-existent. shown in the table on page 6. I encouraged group, Professor Kangis (Head of School) and addition advice has been taken from Mike TB: The plans for improved learning support Alf Crossman’s suggestion to publish the Mr Alf Crossman. Thacker and Sarah Michelotti of ELTC will certainly benefit next year’s intake of figures as raw data, without being converted A conclusion drawn very early on in (European Language Teaching Centre). A students. This year, the low attendance rates to percentages. There have been situations discussions was that the department quite number of initiatives are currently being suggest that students are struggling with the when students aren’t sure how to interpret clearly has nothing to hide, and that by making considered; these include: a restructuring of workload. How will existing students be better the percentages. For example a very small procedures as transparent as possible, student the English language teaching to front-load the supported this year? group of students will have a low pass rate if trust could be rebuilt. I am hoping that any courses to provide intensive teaching early in AC: This is a difficult one to deal with as a couple of students fail to achieve a Masters. concerned students reading this will trust Semester 1; increasing the scheduled revision it is one thing to provide additional support, But this does not mean that other students that everything reported here is the truth and for examination modules; the recruitment of a but whether students take it is a different have a reduced chance. For example, in MSc has been discussed openly with the Dean School-student liaison officer. matter altogether. Attendance at lectures is Technology Management, one person passed of Students and myself. The only object of TB: There seems to be some confusion generally good, but it does tend to drop when and one person failed. At 50%, this pass rate is this feature is to say that your Union wants amongst students regarding the pass rates at assignments are due in. Students complain that misleading and worrying to students. to support SEMS students and SEMS staff SEMS. How do you think this has come about they have five assignments to submit in five And – it must be remembered that many to make studying at SEMS as stress-free as and how can it be resolved? weeks. The assessment has not been imposed students take an extra few months, or even a possible. We hope that you will trust this AC: Yes there is confusion about pass rates by SEMS staff; it has been introduced with year, to finish a course so that many have not interview and take on board that SEMS really and rumours abound about the “low” pass rates the involvement of previous year’s student completed yet. They will later be added to will welcome any suggestions or problems you of 30 - 50%; that the School “buys” its degrees representatives on the Postgraduate Board these figures, so they will be added to these have. from the university and there is a maximum or of Studies. This year the assignment was results when they finish. Bear in mind that quota that can be purchased. These rumours reduced in size from 4,000 to 2,000 words some of the figures show that a Postgraduate Toni Borneo: Students have been concerned are wholly inaccurate and come from a variety so, to some extent, we have already stated to Diploma has been achieved, rather than a about aspects of the learning experience at of sources - word-of-mouth, web sites. address the workload. In addition, students Masters. This does not constitute a Fail. SEMS for some time now. What steps has As far as I can gather there are two causes of do not have to write one a week from week % We really hope that this feature has gone some the department taken to identify areas for the rumours - misunderstanding (e.g. students onwards, they can actually start their research way to answering your questions about SEMS. improvement? see pass lists from a Board of Examiners which before this and they should write assignment Times are changing and SEMS want to put Alf Crossman: From time to time students contain information that applies to what was concurrently rather than consecutively as there their tough image behind them and look to a do raise issues about the way in which discussed at the Board and does not include are often economies of scale to be achieved by more supportive future. If you still have any SEMS delivers it programmes; with such subsequent information. They assume that if a the application of certain theories across the concerns, now is the perfect time to have them an ethnically diverse student population it student has not passed to have failed, whereas different modules. I do find it disappointing heard and dealt with. If you want to say your is impossible to teach every student in the the reality is they have not yet completed) that students who need the benefit of English piece anonymously, the Student Union can manner with which they are accustomed. and a degree of maliciousness (from previous language teaching tend to drop this provision speak on your behalf so please do take this This year we have enrolled a relatively large students who, perhaps, have not done as when the going gets tough. opportunity to be part of the action plan. LORD WINSTON MORE PHONES

barearts does ‘intel- the winner of the final lectal’ as Lord Win- mobile phone of the ston, the scientist who academic year is re- is also a bloody nice vealed. txter’s thumb, chap, comes to town here you come!

JAMES BOND - DIE ANOTHER DAY

“Bond” James Bond is one of the most There are always similar expectations popular names in entertainment from the with Bond films - there will be exotic past 40 years. Many great actors have cars and exotic car chases, stunts defying “Spectacular, funny and sexy, Bondʼs made their mark on the lead role - Sean the laws of gravity, someone trying to first mission of the new millennium Connery, Roger Moore and for the past 4 take over the world, and of course many films, Pierce Brosnan. The 20th film in the beautiful women. And last but not least is one of the best - not just a great franchise, Die Another Day was released Bond will always get the girls. Spectacular, last week. funny and sexy, Bond’s first mission of the Bond movie, but a great action movie new millennium is one of the best - not just a great Bond movie, but a great too.” action movie too. In quick succession Bond is captured, racing down mountains and the outrageous tortured and sets out for revenge gadgets (including an invisible car) and against North Korean traitor Zao terrific stunts (even a sword fight), succeed (Rick Yune). But in typical Bond style in blasting the veteran franchise into the he is soon foiling plans for world 21st century. domination and getting jiggy with the mysterious Jinx (Berry) and Miranda Frost (Pike). The script stylishly uses ideas liners. It seems to recall the successes that from previous Bond escapades, were Goldfinger and Live and Let Die, mastering all the elements that have combining the cool of Sean Connery with made previous Bond films such an the frivolity of Roger Moore, without institution: the in-jokes, outrageous descending into parody. action, clumsy innuendo and very The stunts in Die Another Day involve funny or outrageously cheesy one- a lot of car chases, surfing, gun fights and

if you are interested in writing for the film section ofbarefacts , then please get in touch with either one of the film editors: stew fudge [[email protected]] or jolyon hunter [[email protected]] or contact [email protected].

The year 1995 saw him return to the gangster theme with “Casino” starring DIRECTOR’S CUT MARTIN SCORCESE Sharon Stone, Joe Pesci, James Woods and, : of course, Robert De Niro. Born November 17th, 1942 in Flushing, notable film was “Alice Doesn’t Live Here “Kundun” in 1997 proved to be a slightly New York, the young Martin Scorsese Anymore” (1975) for which lead actress different tack for the director, being about started out wanting to become a priest (so Ellen Burstyn won an Academy Award, the life of the 13th Dalai Lama, but was much so that he even entered a seminary in and he followed this up with the film which ultimately an interesting film to watch. 1956). However, he dropped out after a year reunited Scorsese, Keitel and De Niro: The His last major film was “Bringing out the and went on to study English (Bachelors) classic “Taxi Driver” (1976): A disturbing Dead” in 1999, starring Nicholas Cage as and then Film (Masters) at NYU (where masterpiece which supposedly inspire an insomniac ambulance driver who can’t he also taught the young Spike Lee and John Hinckley’s attempted assassination get the images of the people he was unable Oliver Stone). His upbringing in the tough of President Ronald Reagan in 1980. The to save out of his mind. surroundings of New York’s “Little Italy”, film was nominated for a few Oscars, but The next Scorsese picture on the horizon and the obvious Italian-American Catholic ended up with no wins; it did however win is the heavily delayed “Gangs of New York” influences are often reflected in his films. 3 BAFTAs. starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz His student films, including Who’s“ That After “New York, New York” (1977 and Daniel Day-Lewis (for which you can Knocking at My Door” starring a young – which one critic described as a “wife- see trailers at the Odeon right now). The Harvey Keitel, are what caught the eye of beating musical”) and “The Last Waltz” film focuses on the battle for the streets producer Roger Corman, who gave him a (1978), Scorsese increased his stock even (between white Anglo-Saxon “natives” start in Hollywood. further in Hollywood, by directing “Raging drama “The Color of Money” (1986). and Irish immigrants) in New York in Scorsese directed the gritty “Boxcar Bull” (1980). This film, shot entirely in In 1988, Scorsese courted controversy by the 1840s-60s. The film has been eagerly Bertha” (1972) and followed it up with starkly-contrasting black and white, charted attempting to portray a human Son of God awaited, and is set to go on general release “Mean Streets” (1973) – both of which the career of boxer Jake LaMotta and won in “The Last Temptation of Christ” (but sometime in January. set the benchmark for his style; New York two Oscars (for Robert De Niro in the title was nominated for the Academy Award Scorsese’s trademarks include the use of settings, psychologically troubled main role and for editing) – it was later named that year) before returning to more familiar slow motion techniques (as in Mean Streets, characters, rock-to-opera soundtracks and best film of the decade by US critics Siskel territory with gangster thriller “Goodfellas” Taxi Driver and Raging Bull), extensive copious amounts of violence. Mean Streets and Ebert. The character-study “The King in 1990. His next two films were remakes: white lighting in scenes, and having his also featured film-school buddy Harvey of Comedy” followed in 1983 with the “Cape Fear” (1991 – starring Robert De leading ladies appear in angelic white Keitel, and fellow “Little Italian” Robert darkly comic “After Hours” after that in Niro again) and “The Age of Innocence” dresses (through the eyes of the film’s main De Niro – both of whom helped shape 1985. Shortly afterwards, he directed Tom (1993 – portraying a more civilised side of protagonist). His lead characters are often that style over the years. Scorsese’s next Cruise and Paul Newman in pool-shark New York than some of his other films). sociopathic and/or want to be accepted in society – speaking of which, he also directed the video for Michael Jackson’s “I only wanted to be an ordinary parish priest.” “Bad”. words: jolyon hunter 10 LORD ROBERT WINSTON 28 November 2002

an audience with Robert Winston He was part of the team that made the first test-tube baby and has since gone on to become the most popular scientist in Britain. Daisy Clay spends an evening with the man behind science and human behaviour.

Professor Lord Robert Winston is probably with ‘perfect little testicles’ containing Body RW examined the debate over the the benefit of genetic modification? one of this country’s best known scientists ‘perfect little sperms’, with ‘perfect little influence of nature versus nurture; that is R.W. stated that he supports the process and, in combining pioneering research men’ inside…etc. This idea has obviously how much influence does the environment of genetically modifying babies, but not with his numerous television programmes been abandoned now, although it is have versus the influence of our genes. to create ‘perfect’ or ‘designer’ babies, but (shown by the BBC), he has become a interesting to see how far our knowledge in Some thinkers, such as Richard Dawkins to rid disease. He showed a slide of two household name. In just one evening he this area has come. proved his recognition and prominent As well as the fascinating deliberation status as both a scientist and remarkable of contentious issues, the talk was full of individual to be completely deserved. countless anecdotes and much humour. Besides being both a Professor and a Lord In contemplating the question as to why (since 1995) he has more job titles than women have much shorter reproductive “Playing God is a you could pack onto a business card (well, life-spans as compared with many other maybe a large one); Professor of Fertility animals RW commented that in the duration Studies at Imperial College, University of of the evening the women in the audience London, Director of NHS Research and would have lost 2 or 3 eggs (through thoroughly good Development, Chairman of the House natural cell death in the embryo) whereas of Lords Select Commitee on Science & he would have produced 150,000 sperm! Technology, and Consultant Obstetrician He then jokingly commented that he and Gynaecologist at Hammersmith assumes he is still capable of reproduction thing.”(author of The Selfish Gene) believe that ‘angel-faced’ twin baby girls explaining Hospital. He has contributed to many (whilst women his age are generally not) humans are purely influenced by genetics. that their genes had been modified and advances in fertility medicine, including although hadn’t tested his ability in one RW stated that, although we cannot be sure, that without this process they would have his involvement in producing the first or two weeks (!) and had not actually he believes that nature and nurture have an both died at a very young age. How can successful test-tube baby. As a leading proven this ability in 21 years (since the equally balanced influence. there be harm in helping them to live voice in the debate on genetic engineering birth of his youngest son). Other anecdotes RW introduced the issue of genetic longer and happier lives, when their older he has written numerous books such included stories of his middle son (of three modification to the audience through the brother had already died aged 4 of the as Infertility, Making Babies, Genetic children) sitting at the breakfast table aged use of slides showing pictures of Prince same disease? The two little girls were Manipulation, and The IVF Revolution 6 commenting how lucky they were for his Charles…he went on to say that, with no not perfect nor designer – just healthy and as well as making television programmes mum and dad to have ‘done it three times’ disrespect to HRH, who has led a campaign happy. However, the risks of cloning are including Your Life in Their Hands, Making and for there to be three of them! His son against the use of genetically modified a different matter; problems in cloning Babies, The Human Body, Child of our then went on to ask if more babies were foods, his campaign is based mainly on have been found to include embryonic Time, Superhuman, and most recently made the test-tube way or the ‘other way’. belief and not evidence. The slides showed death, deformities, illness, and sudden Human Instinct. Prince Charles happily drinking tea; a deaths, meaning that Dolly the sheep was The evening, hosted entirely by Robert product which has been highly genetically extremely lucky to survive and to actually Winston (RW) was structured into an modified over the years, and receiving a be fertile. An Italian scientist, Severino hour-long talk followed by a question and carnation from a young girl; one of the Antinori, controversially announced 11 answer session. From the moment RW most genetically modified flowers. R.W. months ago that he had produced the first walked on stage to receive an especially argued that arguments against genetic cloned baby which had been implanted into warm welcome until the moment he left, modification are often only really based on a womb successfully. He has since claimed, the audience seemed thoroughly captivated beliefs or assumptions. The media has also in the last few days, that a woman pregnant by his knowledge. I personally found his played an enormous role in condemning with a cloned embryo is due to give birth every sentence truly fascinating. Whilst genetic modification, despite possible in January. This remains to be seen. RW, the talk was mainly centred around the benefits to the entire world. R.W. explained with his scientific influence, has been able controversial issue of genetic modification how 40% of edible crops produced (often to call for stricter guidelines to be set by and ideas of science and religion (theories in poorer countries) are destroyed through the General Medical Council in relation to of creation versus theories of evolution) he disease and pests. If crops could be cloning. also discussed numerous other issues Besides anecdotes, RW seemed to modified to become tougher to be more On attending a discussion with such a In looking at the history of genetic have a statistic for ever occasion, even disease, pest and drought resistant then we scientific base I was surprised by the high research, RW explained how the invention spontaneously in the questions and answers may be able to feed more of the world. As content of religious issues in the discussion. of the microscope led to investigation session. Through the use of statistics he many as 80% of the population of some It is a often assumed that religion cannot of seminal fluid (apparently occurring showed that we have more sex in the UK countries are suffering from malnutrition be strongly or easily linked with science amongst men at dinner parties across than the French do, although those lucky and starving. R.W. asks how much it is but really this is illogical. In response to an Europe!). This also led to one artist’s Australians have more sex than both our responsibility to help, and says that audience question asking whether scientists perception of sperm as consisting of a countries! if genetic modification could reduce would become less religious as they ‘perfect little man’ already inside the sperm, During his television series The Human starvation and death then doesn’t this prove continued on facing page 28 November 2002 LITERATURE 11

LITERATURE Before you all go on your Christmas hols, thinking that it “Where true Love burns Desire is Love’s pure flame will be a relaxing month of dossing and doing nothing; take a It is the reflex of ourearthly frame look at the graphic on this page: Bookstars – The Competitors. Yes! It had to happen! Well… it That takes its meaning from the nobler part didn’t really, but I ran out of original ideas. Over the next And but translates the language of the ” semester our panel of judges will heart - “Desire” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge read, analyse, and scrutinise the short stories that you send in. If you think you’re the modern classic | lord of the flies | william golding next Edgar Allen Poe or Ian As you may expect from the Nobel Prize winner for Literature, William McEwan, then send in your Golding packs plenty of punches in his exploration of the dark primitive masterpiece, between 2500-3000 side of humanity. He sticks a group of young “upper-class” boys on words There are lots of great prizes to an island, and tracks their descent into savagery as they brutally start be won (we haven’t decided yet, but we’re sure many of them ripping each other apart. Even the prestigious choir trade their “proper will be alcohol-based). So what are you waiting for?? Get English manners” for the satisfaction of their predatorial desire for flesh. writing! Oh… and have a great Christmas and prosperous New The shipwrecked boys begin by basking in the freedom that has been Year. Chris Ward | Literature Editor thrown upon them, gradually realising how lax the rules are when “grown-ups” aren’t there to punish them. Nobody is there to tell Ralph off when he calls the fat boy “Piggy” (which becomes his name throughout the rest of the novel). Nobody is there to tell Jack off when he breaks away from the group and starts a rival gang. And tragically, nobody is there to tell the breakaway gang off when they decide to hunt and kill those who oppose them. Golding’s fluctuating language style is very effective as the novel progresses. He begins by creating an exotic and blissful atmosphere when the island and the boys are introduced; but purposefully shatters this illusion with a fusion of fear, darkness, isolation, and the always- present realisation of inevitable tragedy. His imagery cooperates with the language: as the small flame grows into the deadly fire, the agile squirrel becomes the deadly predator. Lord Of The Flies creates awareness of the savagery embedded in each and every one of us. Golding shatters the conditioning of society by expelling it from the events of the novel, and in turn exposing our primitive animal instincts – survival of the fittest. The novel disturbs the reader not merely because of the storyline, but because of the cold fact that the events of the novel could happen and are not entirely fiction. The bitter irony of the navy warship turning up at the end (saving Ralph) highlights this. How can we punish our children for throwing stones at each other when we are using weapons to hurt people on a much more epic scale? Is there really any difference between the two concepts?

of the population belong to an organised religion. In my own personal audience with RW an audience with Robert Winston after the talk (when I met him in the book continued from previous page discussing issues such as the creation signing session) he emphasised his view ‘played God’ more often, RW replied that vs. evolution debate and the issue of that science and religion can be combined, “playing God is a thoroughly good thing”. genetic modification he was careful which seems to be fundamental to his entire He went on to argue that if human life is to emphasise his awareness that some framework and plays a significant part in created ‘in God’s image’ (as he believes audience members would not agree his newly released book Human Instinct. it is) then having the capability of playing with him nor share his beliefs. He also In my opinion, he seemed to personify the God should serve a purpose. He said that disagrees with enforcing the learning concept of being able to combine science if we have the opportunity to save lives, of evolutionary theory instead of the with religion. through intervening in genetics, then we religious creation theory. Author of The can never be entirely sure of one theory, The audience truly made the most of RW’s should because human life is sacred. This Selfish Gene, Richard Dawkins asked RW and science and religion are, at the end time during the questions and answers may sound like a highly questionable view to sign a letter asking schools not to teach of the day, simply one person’s beliefs session, with many complex, adept and against another’s so, morally, we should profound questions asked, so much so that never try to impose our beliefs on one the evening significantly ran over time. another. He also jested that the difference Soon into the evening it became noticeable “Physicists know they canʼt ex- between physicists and biologists is that that RW had a tendency to digress from the physics involves some divinity, seeming point he was originally making, although in plain everything, but biologists to accept that it cannot explain certain discussing topics with such depth it is easy things, whereas biologists just think they to see why. In realising we had overrun, tend to think they know it all.” know it all! Another statistic; in a recent RW commented that he was overstaying if you are not religious, but I believe that theories of creation instead of evolution UK poll it was found that only around his welcome which was received with this view should make sense to anyone who but RW explained that he would not sign 17% of the population belong to some unanimous disagreement. I believe that simply sees life as valuable. the letter, believing that evolutionary form of organised religion (e.g. regularly the audience would have stayed for much Despite having an obviously powerful theory would become known to them as attending church or worship) despite the longer given the chance! Listening to RW viewpoint he displayed a rather sensitive it was rather unavoidably self-evident. fact that around 72% of us have spiritual and actually meeting him was remarkable, and caring characteristic in the wayhe RW also said that despite any evidence beliefs or a belief in a superior force. and, if given the chance, I recommend the handled controversial issues. In there may be for evolutionary theories we This compares with the USA where 90% experience to anyone. 14 ARTS 28 November 2002 the current state of art

haemorrhages, warped smokers’ lungs) are fairly instructive, if distinctly macabre. But earth from the the Mad Professor does not particularly air: a celebration, With an wish to instruct. If he did, he would and reminder, effort of have staged the exhibition at the Science of teh beautiful concentration, Museum and not in a warehouse off trendy world in whcih we live I ripped my Brick Lane in London’s East End. No, his stare away real aim, as with all art, is to provoke an words: dave abbott glaciers, mountain ranges, forests and from the naked emotional response. Sheep’s’ carcasses lakes. There are carpet markets in Turkey breast in front suspended in formaldehyde are for wimps. million people to shell out a tenner to see and paddy fields in China. There are also of me and gazed This is real extreme art. at one of a number of venues around the shantytowns and vast landfill sites, fleets instead at the face The most obvious emotion to feel is, world. In London, Bodyworlds runs until of abandoned aircraft and rows of rusting of the bosom’s perhaps, one of disgust and, unsurprisingly, December. tanks. owner. She there has been a ferocious debate on the Across the other side of central London, Unlike Bodyworlds, there is nothing continued grinning morality of this ultimate freak show. the Natural History Museum is hosting controversial about the exhibits themselves, at me and said Interestingly, though, there really are not an exhibition of photographs by Yann yet they have a raw emotional power that is nothing at all. I got that many actual freaks on display and the Arthus-Bertrand that appeals directly to our tantamount to a religious experience. Their the distinct impression that, had I plucked plastinates are far removed from the actual humanity and, rather than examining our creator has a quiet political motive behind up the courage to caress her, not that I had messy reality of death. They are just normal own feeble bodies, draws our attention to the collection that, above all, asks, “What the slightest urge to do so, she would not bodies, having suffered natural deaths, the magnificence of the planet we inhabit. are we doing to the world we share?” have objected - although one of her minders rendered anonymous by being stripped of Earth From The Air celebrates the natural Many of the photographs are captioned may have intervened. In any case, this their epidermis. world that we live in, as well as mankind’s with devastating information that goes was definitely the closest view of a female Some works of art are defined purely by devastating influence upon it, in a series of some way to answering that question, but nipple that I’d had since my holiday on the people’s responses to them and, certainly stunningly beautiful aerial images. such a breathtaking collection requires no Med. in this case, a fascinating array of viewers Between them, the photographs inspire preaching and the photographic evidence On closer inspection, however, she really have a broad mixture of reactions. Courting awe, heartbreak and a great deal of thought shouts plainly for itself: Why, in truth, are didn’t look very well. I also noticed that, couples? Young families? It seems as in even the stoniest of viewers. There are we raping our home planet? to my surprise, those naked mammaries appropriate as a first date to a horror movie. Earth From The Air is free and has were an unusual distance apart - about three Certainly some visitors feel distinctly been extended, due to demand, until next metres, in fact. This I attributed to the fact queasy – the hot, stifling atmosphere in the “Young autumn. You are recommended to see it at that she had been cleaved neatly in two gallery probably does not help – but most your earliest opportunity. from head to coccyx. Her skin had also are just curious and clinically detached. families? www.earthfromtheair.com | been removed in its entirety. In short, she Some works do generate more discomfort www.bodyworlds.com was dead, and had been for some years. than others, such as the dissected, heavily- It seems as I was not, in fact, at the scene of a pregnant plastinate, baby and all, reclining gruesome murder and nor was I a medical in a cruel parody of a nude model; but for appropriate as a first student witnessing a dissection. This was the most part, the exhibition is no more an art exhibition. Bodyworlds is a museum than a three-dimensional biology textbook. of “plastinates”, an arid euphemism for Whatever your moral viewpoint on using date to a horror movie.” corpses in various stages of destruction, cadavers as artwork, there is a certain grim which have been freeze-dried and then fascination in finding out how big your specially preserved by pumping them full kidneys are and where your spleen lives. of polymers. Every exhibit lays bare what it is to be a Some plastinates have merely been human, whilst at the same time stripping skinned, leaving all the internal organs, each individual of every shred of humanity. muscles and bones in place. Others have Not for the squeamish, perhaps, but been sliced, giving a series of cross- definitely unique enough for nearly nine sections through the body. Still others Bodyworlds: have been “exploded” outwards, so that it is it posing as is possible to identify how all the pieces ‘educational’ but fit together. Many are posed as though in fact executing engaging in sports, allowing inspection of ‘shokcing’, or is it a wrothwhile the muscles and bones. exhibition? All Bodyworlds is the creation of Gunther the recent furore von Hagens, who invented the process of over the public plastination and who brings fresh meaning autopsy can but contribute to the to the term “Mad Professor”. A measure argument... of his eccentricity, quite apart from his penchant for shrink-wrapping human organs from the inside out, is his insistence on constantly wearing the same wide- brimmed black hat, no matter what he is doing. The exhibition is mildly educational, inasmuch as you have certainly never seen anything like it before. Some of the diseases on display (cancers, brain 28 November 2002 MUSIC 15 SINGLES FEEL ROBBIE WILLIAMS | EMI At the risk of offending nine tenths of the world’s population, LOSE YOURSELF this simply must be exposed as the steaming elephant turd EMINEM | INTERSCOPE RECORDS of a single that it is. Over a softened 80’s style piano motif This Soundtrack single from one of raps with a dodgy Manics-like chorus, Williams tells us how he stars sees him* in the eagerly awaited ‘doesn’t want to die but isn’t keen on living either’ – most of us performance in ‘8 Mile’. This superb can only imagine the ordeal of being a pop megastar who’s single from the lyrical genius highlights virtually just bagged 80 million quid, whose even more in an already prolific year of hits job description includes groping Kylie’s from Eminem. Lose Yourself shows off his backside. Hang in there man. Still, musical talent with Eminems acting talent you should enjoy this while it lasts; as reputed to be as good as the soundtrack. Robbie’s ‘co-writer’ Guy Chambers From the winner of three MTV European has recently departed, the next album awards and ‘Moby’ hater can do no wrong. will probably sound like three penguins Powerful lyrics combined with inspiring bashing one out in a lift shaft. If we’re choruses make Eminem a global star and lucky. two | a.c legend. Even if you don’t agree with his values their no denying he produces original records that get better and better. eight | m.b.

RHINESTONE COWBOY RIKKI & DAZ FT. GLEN CAMPBELL | SERIOUS To do you a favour here, maybe a quick comparison would help. At least that way you won’t have to bother reading the rest of this review! Just be glad you’re not the one having to do the reviewing! Anyway, lets start with hmmmmm………. DJ OTZI! And how about “Cotton Eye Joe”?! Remember those? Right well if you do, I’ve got to ask, why are you still reading?!?!! Surely that is enough to put you off unless you happen to be about 5 years old, in which case you will undoubtedly have already hassled your parents into buying this ‘gem’ for you! Well anyway, if you IT’S A RAINBOW are still reading and you REALLY want to MC ZIPPY AND DJ GEORGE | ZIPPED RECORDS know, this “song” is a bastardised version Now this is something else. Starts off with the rainbow theme tune of Glen Campbell’s 1975 hit, ‘Rhinestone then drops into what is possibly the worst piece of dance music in the Cowboy’ it even features re-worked vocals history of Bungle’s hairy arse. Then Zippy shouts something like from the old crooner himself. Oh great! “go on, put your hand on my staff, George!”, and there’s a few odd squelching noises, like thousands of small animals The “creators” call this “scumpop” which SEE AMERICA RIGHT apparently is made “by Northern scum, for being liquidized and sold to fund Geoffrey’s crack habit. MOUNTAIN GOATS | 4AD Honestly. This is apparently 10/1 with William Hill to be the Northern scum” do I really need to go on? The abnormal Mountain Goats use Even the people who made it think its crap! Xmas No.1, but with a horde of pop idols/rejects/tarts, the American soft rock similar to likes of Tweenies, Wombles, various pokemon and Cradle of Filth Who am I to disagree?!? Absolute arse. one ‘Cake’. Formed ten years ago few will all trying to ride the Xmas cash wave, it’s unlikely. Still, if | d.h. have heard of these guys whose spoken you don’t buy, Zippy remains on the street. two | a.c vocals and relaxing instrumentals scream SCORPIO RISING warm up band. Looking further, more DEATH IN VEGAS FT. LIAM GALAGHER | BMG complete New Chevrolet In Flames shows This is the record that has been permanently on the radio lately. Featuring Liam Gallagher MORE HEAT THAN LIGHT promise of a forthcoming album out early on vocals, this could easily be ‘Whatever’-era Oasis, before the band started their massive THE VEILS | BLANCO Y NEGRO/WEA next year. The laid back rock is calm and downward projectory. Even the lyrics (“If I don’t go crazy, I’ll lose my mind”) and the This limited edition EP is the first ever atmospheric that shows a band that been drug references sound like vintage Oasis. Swirling guitars and 60s mystical influences release from much-touted London four- well formed with more to offer. six | m.b. add to the illusion and for the 4 minutes of the single, it could be 1995 again. Not as piece The Veils. The single starts off progressive or original as you might expect from Death In Vegas, but this is still going slowly and quietly and soon builds up to be huge. The band play a special one-off pre-Christmas show at to choruses of fabulous, dark, snarling the London Forum on December 21st. vocals over heavy minor guitar chords and seven | a.w. crashing drums. The vocal style of New Zealander Finn Andrews complements the dark, atmospheric, yet urgent music perfectly. The other tracks on the EP don’t stand out as much as the title track, but still the debut album out in the spring should be worth checking out. seven | a.w. 16 MUSIC 28 November 2002

MUSIC NEWS

Robbie William’s has beaten Oasis record of selling out two dates at the infamous Knebworth. The infamous IGHT AGIC LADYTRON TELSTAR mancunians sold out the two dates in L & M ~ | RETRO The follow up to their debut ‘604’, ‘Light & Magic’ is electro- 9 hours in 1996 but Robbie managed NEW ORDER | LONDON to sell out in 7 hours. Due to the huge clash meets pop. Synths dominate the whole album, drenched in electro Christmas time approaches and so its time for demand he has now added a third date. beats and kitsch beeps. But it is the pop sensibility of Ladytron that makes bands to retrospect, think of the money and release He is due to play the three shows on this such a good record. Whilst the electro-clash movements implodes up a greatest hits album. ‘Retro’ isn’t one of these. Yes 1st, 2nd and 3rd of August at the end of a its own ass due to its self indulgent, egocentric, pompous look at me “I’m it’s a kind of greatest hits (and yes it is coming up to 16 date European tour. so cool” attitude, Ladytron reach out and let you come into their Christmas) but this isn’t just a best of, four cd’s are weird world where kylie and Miss Kittin featured in this box set. CD 1 features the hits and there Pop idol winner Will Young, failed mingle to the sounds of are plenty of those. Blue Monday through to the present to reach the top spot this week when Kraftwerk. Crystal, show how much they have grown but are still his charity single was held off by the Electro relevant. CD 2 is a selection of early tracks that show ‘Dirrty’ Christina Aguilera, which pop at its them closer to their Joy Divison days and the beginning’s of stayed at number one for the second best. their electro days. CD 3 is a waste of time, remixes done by week running. Will’s single sales have nine | s.r. bit producers and unknown DJ’s. CD 4 is a selection if live been dropping slowly since his first tracks from as early AS 1984 to 2002. For the die hard fans record breaking single ‘Evergreen’ this is a great collection but maybe a little to indulgent for the went into the top spot. Could it be that not so keen and is probably a waste of three cd’s. ten (for the Will is heading for Hearsay anonymity die hards) five(for as well? ALBUMS everyone else) | s.r. Is this the end of S Club? First of all Paul Cattermole left the band because of his love for pies and now it looks that Jo O’Meara is set to leave. Plagued by a chronic back problem for several years the blonde songster OUT OF SEASON has been told by doctor’s that she must BETH GIBBONS & RUSTIN MAN | GO BEAT take a year off to rest it. She is need Those of you who had the sense to get of an operation that could lead to her into Portishead a few years ago will being wheelchair bound. However, undoubtedly remember the gorgeous,* if she leaves it she could also end up heartrending vocals of Beth Gibbons. ‘Out in a wheelchair. It looks like S Club MORE FRIENDS Of Season’ is her debut solo album but Junior’s came about at the right time. JOOLS HOLLAND | WARNER don’t come here looking for the moody Follow up to last years phenomenal selling Small World, big band proved a successful trip-hop beats that once accompanied formula of Jool’s Rhythm and Blues with special vocalist proving a winner. Volume two this exceptional voice so well. Made in carries on where the last left off with rhythmic melodies and lively tempos. The album collaboration with former Talk Talk bassist If you would like to be featured in “what’s contains Fly Me To The Moon by ‘Fun Lovin Criminals’, Huey on this classic hit. Jool’s Paul Webb (under the bizarre pseudonym on your campus stereo, then drop us a line calls upon the likes of Bono to violent hip shaker, Tom Jones being just a few of the star of Rustin Man), the awkward beats and at [email protected], and we may very studded line-up. These household names are drawn together by the charismatic ‘Jools haunting soundscapes of Portishead are well come and search you out. Or we may Holland’ promoting rhythm and blues to people who would never consider this style. replaced with sparse folky, acoustics adding not. Who knows what crazy things we Offering something for all ‘More Friends’ is guaranteed success with good reason due to its to the image of desolation that Beth so might do... blend of a quality orchestra and varied vocals. seven | m.b. vividly sculpts. While the album is a clear departure (from Portishead) for Beth, What’s on your campus stereo? it retains that distinctive, unforgettable Portishead mood. With lines such as This week WOYCS continues in the music section. Five people have been asked a few questions on what they “Autumn leaves / pretty as can be/everyone have been listening to recently and below are what they said. It’s not a chrstmas special this week, so here are the can see/everyone except me” Beth’s questions: [1] What was the last record that you bought? [2] What was on your stereo when you left the house laments sweep majestically over eerily today? [3] What one song would make you get up and dance at the union? [4] What do you have on to put you in atmospheric backdrops. Full of melancholy the mood to party? [5] What is your favourite band/artist at the moment? and memories of better days, if given time Mr Simon Robinson posed the questions and even took the photographs. Clever chap, isn’t he? ‘Out Of Season’ will suck you in to its autumnal mix of folk, soul and midnight Stephanie, Maths Jon – Economics Nina – Nutrition jazz. It won’t sell millions (though it [1] Moulin Rouge soundtrack [1] Lemon Jelly – New Album [1] Nora Jones should) and it may not get the attention so [2] System of a down [2] Eric Morrelo – Subliminal.. [2] Greenday – International... deserving of it from the music press but [3] Love Shack – B52’s [3] Donna Summer – I Feel Love [3] S Club 7 – Reach if you can appreciate wonderfully crafted, [4] An upbeat compilation [4] Dimitri – A night at the... [4] Bridget Jones Diary gorgeous music made with a passion rarely [5] System of a down [5] Andy Farley [5] Ella Fitzgerald seen nowadays, then don’t let this one slip you by. Record of the year? It’s close. nine | d.h.

words by: alex read simon robinson jon swarbrick | duncan hills matty b | anthos chrysanthou anna wheeler | mark iyer Nicola Eden, Computing & IT Jenny – Biology stuart bryce | timothy dungey [1] Queens of the Stone Age [1] Sophie Ellis Bextor [2] Slint – Tweez [2] Radio 1 if you are interested in writing for the music [3] Camisra – Lets show you [3] Kylie – Can’t get you out... team, then come along to the cd hand-out in [4] Metal – Various [4] Radio the media centre on mondays at 5pm [5] Queens of the Stone Age [5] “Not bothered” 28 November 2002 MUSIC 17

deep breaths

this is the last printed barefacts of the year, although there will a barely-there available at www.ussu.co.uk on thursday of wk.14. the first barefacts of the spring semester will be on the 23rd january and will be better than anything you have seen so far this semester. [we’ve found, by the way, that if we write things in the paper, then we kinda have to do them, so when we say it will be better, then you’ll have to suppose that it will be]. sinead o’ connor: anyway, if you have any comments or suggestions, then please e-mail your thoughts to us SINEAD O’CONNOR planning her here at [email protected]. we are willing to listen to any constructive comments that next sermon, GUILDFORD CIVIC HALL | 23 NOVEMBER you may have, though we should probably warn you we respond to most comments with no doubt. “well, of course, you could always write for barefacts youself...” so the challenge is to wile A deep breath was required both inspired but slightly devalued due to away those bored christmas hours by putting pen to paper or nail to key and letting us, and before writing this review and going a poorly engineered bass level (too everyone else that reads barefacts, what it is you are thinking. to the gig itself. Sinead O’Connor much bass!) and ‘Thank You For famous for the most emotive music Hearing Me’ which thankfully didn’t don’t forget: barefacts | wk.14 | on www.ussu.co.uk video ever made - see ‘Nothing suffer the same fate. The gig was Compares To You’ stopped off close to flawless, the highly talented rather unusually at the Civic hall in backing band were exceptional. We Guildford for the last date on a short were treated to piano, guitar, drums, UK tour. The gig comprised of two violin, cello, whistle and bass guitar! distinct halves, the first consisting The beauty of this arrangement was COMPETITION[S] of songs from her new album ‘Sean the complex orchestration and level of Nos Nua’. The literal translation of musicianship, not once did the tricky The last winner of the semester and I think we can all agree that it has been a bit of a stonk- this title is ‘Old Songs Made New’ whistle, violin and cello annoy in the er for prizes: two mobile phones, £200 of clothing vouchers, a Dangermouse dvd (crumbs!) it’s perfectly descriptive. The album same way anything by the Levellers and tickets to the charity dinner dance (which, incidentally, have arrived if you were the consists of Sinead’s take on traditional does. The only disappointment was winner - louise, maybe? Get in touch...). The final winner of the semester isadrian gaskell Irish songs like ‘Molly Malone’ and Sinead’s decision to invite a singer who gets himself the nice mobile phone we were offering last week, meaning he can text ‘Oro se do bheatha 'bhaile’. Although by the name of Natasha Atlas onto until his thumb is no longer capable of moving. And who says technology means we don’t no expert on Irish music, it’s clear the stage for a couple of songs in the exercise? that they’ve have been wonderfully second half. The flow of the gig was Anyway, we will be back with more competitions next semester, including pizza and prob- reworked to breathe fresh life into ruined. Irish and Indian music does ably more mobile phones. As that bloke on Central News used to say: keep ‘em peeled. * a previously dusty and inaccessible not gel and this was painfully obvious. collection of songs. The first half It was so blatantly a personal favour works well because not a minute goes that I felt embarrassed for the girl by where the audience feel that they’re who was clearly out of her depth. This watching a set of covers. The tales slight disappointment aside (in no way of love and war synonymous with did it detract from the gig as a whole) traditional Irish music fit beautifully the evening was an unquestionable with everything Sinead O’Connor success. The seated mainly middle- stands for both past and present. aged crowd were over the moon with The second slightly disjointed half what they’d seen and so was I. alex consisted of older songs such as read ‘Nothing Compares To You’ - still

FABRIC LIVE sadly limited at the mo - too much FRIDAY 8TH NOVEMBER Ocean Colour oh my god what was I thinking!! The labyrinth like inner Considering the current ‘crisis’ workings of the Farringdon club play haemorrhaging a load of the large havoc with the inebriated but in the super clubs like Cream, Ministry end just add the experience as you of Sound etc. Fabric isn’t doing too genuinely never know where you bad. Massively popular with most might end up. Rammed to the hilt discerning dance aficionados with a it was difficult to infiltrate the main passion for cutting edge music. The dance areas without some rudimentary young generation flock in groups quick feet but the effort was repaid reminiscent to the antithesis of with one of the best clubbing cool best-mate-buddy groups in the experiences going. I spent a lot of appalling (simply MUST be tongue the evening in one of the outer rooms in cheek) Human Traffic. The music where a solid list of hip-hop DJs were last Friday was even by Fabrics high plying their trade with good all round standards exceptional, no James results. The names of the DJs have Lavelle or his Unkle cohorts to keep somewhat embarrassingly escaped me; the indie dance nuts buzzing rather something about drinking too much a strong two pronged drum ‘n’ bass tax-drugs read vodka. I’d recommend and hip-hop sonic assault. The circle the club to any Surrey student wanting room played host to a cacophony of a bit more from their weekend. A word drum ‘n’ bass peaking with a one of warning though you’ll have to wait hour set from Roni Size; the critics until after six in the morning to get a are right, the man who had it and train back to Guildford - a problem lost it has definitely regained his not faced by my mates with jobs from touch. This was the main draw for back home, who had a limo waiting to me as my knowledge of the more escort them back to the nine till five dance orientated music genres is world. Jealous? well yeah. alex read 18 COMMUNICATION 28 November 2002

HOW TO STOP A RUNAWAY We can’t deny that christmas is around the corner, and we can’t deny that this is the ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH last published barefacts of the term (though [1] Stay in the sleigh – Grip the seat or there will be one on ussu.co.uk in wk.14), railings with one hand and the reigns with so daisy clay thought she would give you a the other if possible. little bit of advice should things get a little [2] Tug and release the reigns with a sticky during the festive season... the.net medium pressure – Repeat this until the bringing you the randomness from cyberspace horse begins to slow down. words: chris “funkyberry” hunter [3] Do not jerk the reigns of a horse that is HOW TO SILENCE A GROUP running at full speed – Never pull a running Hi there. I’ve been feeling in a really weird mood this week, and OF CAROL SINGERS horse off balance, which might cause it to this is reflected in the websites that I’ve been looking at over the stumble or fall. Horses can run at a speed of week. Without sounding too much like a music critic, I find the 25 to 30 m.p.h. while pulling a sleigh. words cynical, sarcastic, and satirical describe these sites well. I [4] When the horse slows to a trot, pull one have selected 3 which I liked more than the others. reign to the side – With steady pressure, The first,www.teamfishcake.co.uk , is written by a guy that move the horse’s head all the way around must have been dropped on his elbow as a child. Take for toward you. This will cause the horse to instance “Fireman Dan”. I don’t see many people getting this kinda begin going in a circle. The horse will inspiration from the Fireman’s strike. On the other hand, there is some quickly tyre of circling, and slow to a walk. really inspirational reading on there – check out “Alpha Male”. [ 1 ] Turn out the lights [5] Pull back with slow, steady pressure on [Disclaimer: Please don’t go to this website if you don’t like – Doing this before they arrive will both reigns until the horse stops – Once the frequent use of naughty words] deter them from stopping. Doing this as horse is at a walk it is safe to bring it to a Cloud adoption is very popular these days, and almost they arrive will send a strong message but complete stop. anyone that is anyone has adopted a cloud. For those that still they can be very persistent. [6] Dismount. haven’t adopted a cloud yet, then help is at hand on the Internet. There are many Adopt-A- [2] Turn up your music – Metal or rock will Cloud websites on the Internet, but choosing the right adoption company is like finding a be most effective. If you are listening to building firm that don’t charge you for their tea breaks. I have done the research and found Christmas music shut it off immediately. www.cloudkissing.com . After their first business plan (Protect-a-Dino) failed back in the [3] Answer the door in a dressing gown or prehistoric era, as a company they have gone from strength to strength. They are now able towel – Embarrassed, the carol singers may to offer a full range of cloud services in addition to adoption, including: Surveillance Cloud simply leave. Nudity may offend the and (a cloud which will hover over a certain target for an amount of time), Haute Couture make them unable to sing. Even better, call Cloud (designer clouds to appear in the back of wedding photos), and Rent A Cloud (a inside the house “I’ll be right back”. special deal with St Peter to have a nice fluffy white cloud ready for you when you die). [4] Request songs they will not know. Finally, the US Government may make people laugh, but their new website www.whitehouse.org will even cause cats, dogs, and even the occasional milk bottle to Adapted from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Christmas by J. Piven and D. giggle. Worried that their last website would put the general American public off politics, Borgenicht. Available from all good book shops! This will also tell you useful information they decided to widen the appeal. The new site includes smoking tips for children, top such as how to fend off a charging reindeer, extinguish a Christmas tree fire, win a secret intelligence justifying Saddam Hussein’s immediate toppling, and a new line of snowball fight and even how to survive if you have no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve! merchandise - you can now buy your lover what she always wanted for Christmas, a thong with the photo and caption “that’s my Bush!” J -team j-team.biz j-team.biz I don’t know about you guys but I find it impossible to revise in my room at home. This leaves few options open to you; crash to climb up and then squeeze over the top someone else’s revision session, sit in a of a bookcase can produce endless hours of café or pub in town, try and get the world fun. I have personally found the horizontal record for hours spent revising on a roller ascent between cases and feet first method coaster, or go to the library. particularly useful. Of course if you are Now I’ve had the misfortune of having slightly less daring, the dive through the to visit a morgue relatively recently and I middle shelf might be more your cuppa don’t think that it had any less charisma tea! When in the library there will be other than the library. This means that to students revising around you. Without words: Mr Tea get through this stressful period in the even speaking to such people, they could library there are some important things to be a great boredom reliever. Just wait for actually during a summer revision session. remember about the library is the strange remember. the point where they get up for a wander, I must also say that it was during one of phenomenon of ‘Library Minutes’. All Firstly, you have to set up camp and make possibly to get a book. Scribble your mate’s the brief moments that I was actually in the shenanigans mentioned above are all yourselves comfortable. It is important to name and phone number down on a piece the library, rather than rolling down the hill good and fun, but if you are in a pressure be in a location that has hidden bonuses of paper and slip it into the other students outside! It was also one of those days that situation and needing to revise, you may to it. These could be anything from the bag. Easy as that. Now this is quite amusing you feel really hot and sticky. For some find it incredibly unhelpful. It all boils good-looking breed that are library goers, but you have to sit back for the possibility strange reason I was dreaming of a nice down to this afore mentioned phenomenon. to comedy books on the shelves. Now, not of the real results. I can honestly say that dip in a swimming pool. One deranged Time does seem to fly in the library. Due to to give away the best spots in the library, we slipped one of my housemates’ numbers thought led to another and the next thing careful research and investigation, I have but the fourth floor is particularly useful in a young ladies bag and she rang up and I knew I was dreaming of a water slide come to the conclusion that one library for such books. Titles such as ‘Who Dies?’, asked for him! I promise you that is gospel! out of a fourth floor library window into a minute is four normal minutes. Therefore ‘Pornography’ and ‘Smart Jews’ to name These are all moderately funny but not if very inviting pool below. This is somewhat if you are in the library for what you think but a few of the delights. you’re on your own. For enjoyment on your ridiculous in its own right but this wasn’t is an hour, when you leave it is actually What is inevitable when in the library is own one must relearn the art of creative the end of the madness. The trouble is if four hours later! I have wasted many days the boredom factor. However studious one thinking. Ridiculous thoughts have been the you fancied a quick swim where would dreaming my life away in the library and is, concentration spans do not last forever. only thing to save me from insanity during you put your clothes and other belongings? just wanted to pass on my knowledge There are many ways to counter your brief hectic solo revision sessions. I would love Obviously you would put them in a chute and experience to you all. So enjoy your boredom. Bookshelves are an untapped to share my favourite daydream with you. that would take it down to a ground level! revision time because you will, believe it or source of comedy. Finding a way To give you a tiny bit of background, it was Lastly the most important thing to not, miss revising!

20 INTERACTIVE 28 November 2002

Last week’s answer was a twisted-on-its- side-photo of the lights outside the Roots/ Seasons entrance lobby bit. This week you have to work out where I trapped my friend Lyrics from songs you might now know: if that Vicky in the name of Art. I’m not giving was to happen you would all go bonkers, so we any clues this time, but I’ll let this fester don’t do that. Then we get accused of being too over the Christmas period, and when you easy and we end up sitting here thinking you simplyQuiz cannot win. The question we must are drunk over new years, you may look at ask, then, is what to do? Hey - how about a reader writes the lyrics quiz each week. If you this photo again and think – “I know where want to write it, therefore, e-mail us: [email protected] that is”….. D’OH!- funkyberry - [1] I was working in the lab late one night [2] I’m just a urchin livin’ under the street [3] When she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine [4] I was raised by a toothless bearded hag [5] We can be like bonnie and clyde, be by your side [6] I’m six feet one and I’m tons of fun and I dress to a T [7] I swear I saw a young boy down in the gutter [8] Some people call me Maurice [9] It’s a crazy world but tonight’s the right situation [10] Gopala Jaya Jaya Radha-ramanahari

Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?

£100: what is the chief food of most termites? a: cheese | b: concrete| c: wood | d: curry

£200: what might be divided into stanzas? a: land | b: time | c: poetry | d: food WORD £300: which of these bears is native to South America? Not actually a cross word this week, but a wordsearch - it’s a bit primary a: speckled | b: gloved | c: wigged | d: rain-coated X school, but we can’t all going around being intelligent all the time. £500: which football manager lifted the FA cup in May 1997? a: arsene wnger | b: alex ferguson | c: kevin keegan | d: ruud hullit

£1k: which of these parts of the body is most important for the sense of balance? a: mouth | b: nose | c: chin | d: ear

£2k: who played Scarlett O’ Hara in the 1939 film “Gone With the Wind”? a: vivien leigh | b: olivia de havaland | c: ingrid bergman | d: kathryn hepburn

£4k: what nationality was the composer Mussorgsky? a: french | b: russian | c: polish | d: german

£8k: used in dentistry, an ‘amalgam’ is an alloy of which metal and other metals? a: gold | b: mercury | c:iron | d: copper

£16k: who directed the 1992 film ‘The Crying Game’? a: alan parker | b: neil jordan | c: mike figgis | d: stephen jordan

£32k: how many tricks must a bridge player to take to make a contract of four spades? a: 4 | b: 7 | c: 10 | d: 13

£64k: under what name did eric weiss achieve fame? a: harry houdini | b: blondin | c: lord hawhaw d: edward g. robinson

£125k: which term can be used to describe one tenth of a nautical mile? a: ferlong | b: cable | c: fathom | d: chain

£250k: in which of these years was a total eclipse of the sun visible in Britain? a: 1927 | b: 1933 | c: 1939 | d: 1946 So find all the words in this sentance: £500k: what sort of creature is a swartback? “barefacts delights my soul and is more scrummy a: pig | b: duck | c: gull | d: goose than coco pops with warm milk”

because we know that is what you really think. £1m: which decimal number is equal to the binary number ‘10’? a: 10 | b: 2 | c: 1 | d: 3 28 November 2002 LIFESTYLE 21

ife After The Womb words: rich w Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give L a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings within Battersea Court Rawson… The last edition before christmas - it seems a little strange to be saying that whilst we are still in November, but considering FINALLY, the last paper based Rawson’s THE end of the autumn semester is drawing Woolworths and most other shops have thought it was Christmas since about the middle of Creek before Christmas. Oh but what to nigh. In two weeks time I will have finished September, I think we can be forgiven for thinking it is always Christmas (or, as my mother write that will interest you enough to be my first and last exam, 5/6 of my degree, used to say: “do you think all of your christmasses are going to come at once?” Still not sitting round your crackling Yuletide log, and most terrifyingly of all, 7/8 of my time entirely sure what she meant by that, actually.) The truth is there are still five weeks to go, I haven’t bought one present (apart from a few across the internet, but that doesn’t really count because you don’t get the pleasure of handing over money) and I’m trying to figure out whether to go by train or car to “I’m sure the word ‘goto’ was get home. All that topped off by the crescendo towards christmas day when the lowest point of the year - the obliga- tory Brussel a word when I was in class 2. sprout - finally releases its torments on me. Speaking of releasing torments - what is it with all In fact, it was in the ‘Ben this weapons inspectors business? They do seem to be making an awful lot of fuss about it - I the Dog’ book.” meanh, it’s not as if there will be a war or anything if they don’t go. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but peeling your Christmas present, and reading as a university student. The past 3 1⁄2 years those chaps over in Iraq have known this column out loud to all your gathered have been the best of my life, and the fact for some time that some weapons relatives?…….nothing I can think of really, that they’re drawing to a close scares me no inspectors would be coming over but its never stopped me before! end. Boy, am I jealous of all you first years to see if they have any weapons of AS WITH the inevitability of another James out there! mass destruction. They also know Bond sequel, exams are upon us again. I DESPITE the ever present four letter words, that if any are found, then they mentioned last week about the pleasures of beginning in ‘w’ and ‘e’ (work and exam, in could be in quite a lot of trouble. So running into the exam hall to excitedly read case you didn’t guess) I’ve still managed to it occured to me that, given they what the wretched urchin had scratched on get out and about a few times over the last know they are coming, why your table in the previous exam. Well this week. Thursday evening saw Chancellors’ don’t they just hide them week, I’m not going to mention them any Challenge, a night which is now firmly somewhere until the inspectors have gone more. etched in my diary – I’ve only missed one home? It’s the same sort of logic that school-children have been employing for Instead I will try and talk about something since the beginning of term! My team of ages, and I find it a bit baffling that world leaders haven’t thought of it. Surely they used to more relevant to us all. . (full stops). These only four people didn’t do particularly well hide their sandwiches their mothers made them for school under their beds? Surely if their are cool linguistic devices, that let me keep (c’mon, we had to give everyone else a room was going to get tidied they would bung every offending article into the nearest cup- writing a sentence, as long as I want, about chance!) but it’s the taking part that counts, board in the hope that mother wouldn’t look in there? So just apply the same logic here. whatever I want, however I want, lasting as not the £60 or so you can win – honest! Of course, there is a much cleverer way to avert any confiscation of siad weapons: picture long as I want, until I type the. EACH week a jackpot question is posed, the scenario - three inspectors walk across a hot tarmac runway towrds five Iraqis in full Just a random observation here. Why, and the winning team walk away with a military regalia. They pull out their clipboards and have their pens poised at the ready, whenever I go to the issues desk to take out pot of money that has accumulated in the itching to write down the responses of the moustachioed, beretd men standing in front of like one book, is there always 2 people in weeks since the last correct answer. Last them. front of me that have problems which seem week the teams, were asked to guess the “So then, chaps, those big missiles you have standing behind you with those nuclear skull- to demand a good 7 minutes-ish to sort out! weight of Tug, our friendly barman, but signs on them - are those weapons of mass destruction, the likes of which we have been I usually only go when the queue is really (unfortunately for me) two guessed exactly asked to come and inspect?” short, but the people that get in before me right. So there I was, adding up the scores, The Iraqis reply: “No guv’nor - those are just our weapons of medium destruction, capable ALWAYS seem to have issues. sorting the money, and generally minding only of wiping out small villages and similar, therefore, to anti-aircraft missiles, which, ALSO, I’m SURE “goto” was a word when my own business, when I heard my name though devilishly manouverable and deinty, are a bit of a let-down when it comes to all out I was in Class 2. It’s really annoying. Like go out over the speakers. “You want me nuclear war and cataclysmic, apocalyptic scenes.” in the last paragraph (that I had to delete to weigh Tug again?” I asked Charlotte, “Fair enough,” the inspectors reply, “we’ll be on our way then - sorry to bother you.” due to word limits), when I wanted to say snapping back to reality. “No”, she replied, You see - all this war business could so easily be avoided if people just told the odd white “…cheaper to goto the…”, MS Word just the two teams were going to guess my lie here and ther, and the same can be said for many other things. won’t let me, and its now “…cheaper to weight. So the teams wrote down their Like this firefighters business, for example. Why not agree to the firefighter demands of go to the…” – which just looks silly. I can guesses, I stood on the scales, and before 40% and then just not bother adding it on? I know I’ve never checked a pay-slip in think back, and see it as clearly as if it I could stop her, Charlotte proceeded to my life (or a bank state- ment for that matter) and so am willing to as- was the day before yesterday – the word announce my exact weight (in kilograms sume firefighters wouldn’t even notice. “goto” was in the Ben The Dog book! I and pounds) to a packed Chancellors. Ah London-weighting for teachers that matches everyone think the problem was that we used Acorn well, I suppose I can still be glad of the fact else? Sure - why not? In fact, whil we are there, computers, which didn’t have that I did weigh less than we’ll throw in a free weapon of low destruction. Word. All we had was POB, Tug…. just…! This all amounts to what I would like to call the which after we worked out ‘ickle sarah “French government’s approach to Europe” how fun it was to type “POB butterworth approach, in which you basically agree to everything CAN POP”, no one cared and then go and do whatever you like afterwards. anyway!

Merry christmas. chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter

Stop Moving 10. Kula Shaker - Govinda - Shaker Kula 10. Moving Stop

– Rapper’s Delight 7. Meat Loaf – Bat out of hell 8. Steve Miller – The Joker 9. S Club 7 – Don’t Don’t – 7 Club S 9. Joker The – Miller Steve 8. hell of out Bat – Loaf Meat 7. Delight Rapper’s –

4. The Rolling Stones – Jumping Jack Flash 5. Aaliyah – More than a woman 6. The Sugarhill gang gang Sugarhill The 6. woman a than More – Aaliyah 5. Flash Jack Jumping – Stones Rolling The 4.

and The Crypt Kickers – The Monster Mash 2. Guns’n’Roses – Paradise City 3. The Kinks – Lola Lola – Kinks The 3. City Paradise – Guns’n’Roses 2. Mash Monster The – Kickers Crypt The and

lyrics quiz: quiz: lyrics 1. Bobby Pickett Pickett Bobby 1. are. they because That’s search. word the in are search word the to

Xword : There being no Xword, there are no answers. In fact, you could argue that all of the answers answers the of all that argue could you fact, In answers. no are there Xword, no being There :

answer, because I think it should be 2, but there we go - don’t blame me. me. blame don’t - go we there but 2, be should it think I because answer,

£1m £500k £250k £125k £64k £32k : b]. I actually disagree with that last last that with disagree actually I b]. : [ c]; : [ a]; : [ b]; : [ a]; : [ c]; : [

£16k £8k £4k £2k £1k £500 £300 £200 £100 WWTBAM : b]; : [ b]; : [ b]; : [ a]; : [ d]; : [ d]; : [ a]; : [ c]; : [ c]; : [ Upside-Down Answers Upside-Down 22 STARS & PERSONALS 28 November 2002

Scorpio on hold for a couple of days and put your feet You didn’t do it, did you. It was ALMOST ACCURATE ASTROLOGY up, and you really do need the rest. Other here last week in plain black and words and predicting: morgan gooch than that, remember to collect your toe-nails white “tell them how you really after you cut them. feel” but you still didn’t do it. I bet you feel Your lucky number for the week is five. You should involve very alone right now, as well as an utter wally. The only yourself with anything related to this number, no matter Leo thing I can really suggest is to drink away the week (Tesco how difficult it may seem at the time. This week is the week in which all Leos should sells very cheap vodka) and rest easy in the fact that the do their washing up. We all know you love the other person who got there before you only has a few Aries attention of having your dirty dishes in the full months to live (though they don’t know that yet). Uh-oh. I’ll be staying out of your way for a limelight of the sink as your housemates struggle to clean while. Mars is quite firmly in your sign now their dishes around the gargantuan heap that you have Sagittarius and that means you’ll be on the warpath. You’ll amassed, but all is not well and unless they’re done by Hahahahaha…. I know it’s wrong to laugh at blitz your work, housework and house generally. Just try to Wednesday, there’ll be hell to pay. the misfortune of others… hehehe… but it’s remember that although you have to use that kitchen, other just so funny! Haha haha I can’t breathe…. people do too and once it’s out of your way, their mess is Virgo HAHAHAHA! Oooh dear. Ahem. OK, advice, sorry. Stay their own problem. Well, like the other earth signs, you don’t have in. For the love of god, stay in, unless you want everyone much to look forward to. Nothing exciting, else laughing at you as hard as I am. Taurus but then nothing terrible either, so just take Watch out for rampaging Aries, horny Gemini advantage of this dead time to catch up and do all the Capricorn and sullen Scorpio. You haven’t got anything mundane little things you’ve been putting off for when This week you should be nice to everyone. unusual to look forward to but it’s going to be you get really bored. That time is now, cherish it because It’s not as hard as it sounds, and remember eventful for them and you won’t want to get caught in the although it’s dull, it really could be a lot worse. (this is important) that waiters are people too. blast, so just keep your head down and stick close to the Following this very simple piece of advice will make an Sagittarius in your life, because you’ll really want to see Libra embarrassing moment pass by quickly and with as little what happens to them! My heart goes out to you really, but you got fuss as possible. And don’t wear the blue on Saturday, what you deserved. Just know that this week there’ll be someone else there wearing exactly the same. Gemini could have bad effects on your sanity. For a This week you’re not going to have much fun while now, every time things got good something bad Aquarius until Tuesday, when Venus enters your sign. happened and that trend is going to continue. Call niteline Write this on your hand on Monday morning; Watch out world, Gemini is on the pull, and or get some therapy, just get someone besides me to tell “DON’T FORGET YOUR UMBRELLA”. Even with your luck overdue to change things are definitely you that it’s just luck and nothing to do with you, or by next if you don’t own an umbrella, your friends may looking up, up and away! week you could be on prozac. still thank you for it. Cancer Remember to look out for a special edition of barefacts Pisces OK, cancer, this is your mission brief for the on the web (www.ussu.co.uk) in around wk.14 - the stars This week I strongly suggest you don’t eat week. Things have been backing up for a while will have a special christmas theme, though they will still anything orange. Oranges, satsumas, carrots, now and you feel you’ve been continually be written by consumate amatuers who take pride in their none of the above. This may seem like a strange rushed off your feet without achieving anything, so here it inaccuracy and ability to disinform the unsuspecting public thing to ask of you, but believe me, it’s for your own safety. is; relax. No harm will come to you if you put everything of the University of Surrey. And yes: daisy clay is real.

Come on Chris, I’m only human! ‘Sarah NO!!!!...... leave the These are the freshers alone!’ in barefacts next semester: a brand new “Rhys - did you shoot a Sabb between personals. lifestyle section with the week’s offers the eyes too??!!” at tescos, a new column in the vain of You gossip- Those darn rawson(1)river kids are LATW, daisy delves and various e-tales to “With aim like that Rhys, you should be at it again...ripping pants,shaving ensure you are always entertained. we’re in the Archery team, not the one you are meisters,you. arses,nude athletics en masse(just not just animals, you know... in!!” Why can’t you check the union security tapes),bikes in trees,irish alcoholic whores(and Bashful - long time, no personal! Bloody just be nice the english kind too),chancellors nice arse!!! chalk board never looked so good as to each it did outside our window,’stunning’ Buy some bloody bog roll - you know other, eh? transvestite brawling,a devil who you are!!! worshipping-virgin sacrificing-bastard BIG UP TO THE FLAILERS!!!!!!!!!! son of satan-cleaner,”who dat ringin Nick- great performance on wednesday on ma doorbell?!” and above all else night! why does it incline to the left??? lots of Micheal Jackson...when will the crazy maddness end?Will our Yes Stack i promise im drinking in Dirty Hayes slapper seeks submissive hamsters ever make sweet love with moderation!!! Garage-boy aryan lookalike with a the ants? will the pond in the bathroom distinctly irish surname to xchange very ever become a lake so that USBC can Vix hope you had a great birthday dirty text messages...... finally get a proper outing?Will the but were did you disapear too!!! impromtu pile of rotting vegetables on hmmmmmm we wonder! is it collum o’flaherty? the kitchen table ever win us an award from the environmental society rather Were is the nearest AA meeting! HELP! seamus murphy? than just a hefty fine from the health inspector?Who thinks that Rawson 1’s What time is the library open till- what Defeated by a scrambled egg! antics beat ‘rawsons-we-have-lame-ass- a dirty question! ants-creek’ hands down? answers on a You still got the vibe? postcard (to barefacts) 1. Pascoe, get in wiv da red my son...la la la IT SHOULD AV SED.... DO IT.... DO I have no time for your incoherent IT NOW ( NOT, DO IT KNOW ) silly waffle. Be gone with you Brad. who fancies a midnight rendez-vu down woman to the lake to see some swans??? what shall i do with my tuesday Canaries in the Personals? Whatever evenings? methinks i shall relax and go Hazell, she’s filth...but wahey, SO ARE next?! OTBC! see my favouritist girl in the whole wide U BOY!!! world. wembley - here i come... 28 November 2002 SPORT 23 This week at UniSport UniS squash team triumph again With the absence of their number one player By Al BREAKDANCE Paul Clough the depleted team made their way to the heart of London to play Kings two games behind it was imperative that the It was late 60s, early 70s when people started a sort of b-boying. Their dancing was called College. The lack of the number one player rest of the team won their matches, Chris and “Good Foot” from James Brown’s record of the same name. The Good Foot was the first meant that everyone had to play up the order Paul were next on court. Chris hardly broke freestyle dance that incorporated moves involving drops and spins, and resembled the and that Al was invited to come and play into a sweat and marched to victory in three beginnings of breaking. This course requires a reasonable level of strength and fitness as in the number 5 slot. The first hitch came straight games. Paul had tougher opposition there is much floorwork and physical activity involved. We offer a beginners course to when we made it to Kings after a couple of but despite loosing the third game he won learn this hip-hop based style. connections and were unable to follow the 3-1. Adam was playing number one and When: Mondays map and get to the squash courts. James the victory was resting on his shoulders, he Time: 7.30 - 8.30pm managed to expertly direct us to the courts tried to gain advantage over his opponent by Where: University Hall using the ‘long way’. wearing a shirt with some very suspicious With: Jools Duncan Having warmed up it was the turn of brown stains on the back. He needed have This is a 10 week course so please sign up at the Sport Centre. James and Al at numbers 4 & 5 to defend worried as his opponent was not playing UNISPORT EVENTS the unbeaten UNIS record. James was to form and had difficulty moving quickly soon down 2-0 and having saved a couple around the court, Adam had no problem in th 29 November | Curry Night | Varsity Centre of match balls it was all over 3-0. Al faired gaining an easy 3-0 victory. The afternoon nd 2 December | Quiz Night | Varsity Centre little better as soon he was 2-0 down but in London was complete with another rd 3 December | NSL Squash vs Broxbourne | Varsity Centre managed to sustain enough of a comeback victory for the yet unbeaten university team th 14 December | Winter Happenings | PATS to take the third game, that was all there was and just the nightmare of rush hour on the OPTIMUM: De-stress in him and he soon crashed out 3-1. Being trains between the team and the union. Beat EXAM stress. ‘OPTIMUM’ offer various DE-STRESS treatments: ACUPUNCTURE Rugby win at last! HOLISTIC FACIAL MASSAGE REFLEXOLOGY By Danielle Malan INDIAN HEAD MASSAGE AROMATHERAPY Surrey Women’s Rugby team are, as usual, Go on treat yourself! All the above treatments will help improve your mental attitude, triumphant in their most impressive game concentration, stimulate and relax… What are you waiting for? of the season. With only 13 players, and We offer reduced rates to all students and staff at Surrey University Roehampton with a full 15 players plus extra subs, the final score was an amazing 12-5 to Other treatments available Surrey! The pride of Surrey was booming Sports Injury Clinic all night with the celebratory drinking, Sports Massage whilst Roehampton drove home miserable For all bookings and enquiries please contact the clinic on tel; 01483 452028 after getting whipped by a far superior team. Or email [email protected] Come on Surrey! Man of the Match had to be Blue – her dump-tackles even had the men’s rugby spectators cringing on the touchlines! Our top scorer was Nibbler for boshing through the opposition defence and not only scoring a try but a blinding conversion as well. Our other worthy try was thanks to the lightning running of Quaff, who disproves the myth that wingers can’t tackle. Special mention should also be made of the tackle that Smutty made that resulted in a girl having to be carried off. Oh dear! Tit of the match was unanimously decided to be Bok, who did a spectacular ‘rabbit in headlights’ UniSport suffer 3rd consecutive defeat routine and managed to not just pass but throw the ball forwards. Imagine what we could have done with a full team? So come Missing your number one player is definitely close games in the middle of the match. on girls, it’s a right laugh, we’re not grizzly, proving to be a disadvantage in UniSPORT’s Stacey Ross who has not lost this season for give it a go! national league season. With Paul Johnson UniSPORT found the going tough against an out injured everyone else is pushed up the opponent ranked 53 places above him and order and playing tougher opponents. Round also lost 3 – 1. 4 saw Guildford visit local rivals Chichester The no. 1 rubber was between Steve Meads UniSport sports leagues update who are having a great season and it showed. who won the Porto Cup in Portugal last With Fiona Geaves away on international week and Chichester no. 1 Peter Genever. Management make return, but Wolfgang’s shooting lacks authority. competition and our junior Sarah Kippax With only nine places between them in the Wednesday afternoons are more commonly known for the drama of BUSA but Sally Edie’s out through illness, Varsity Club no. 1 Ann World rankings this was going to be a close Netball is now the main event. Having missed all the posters, leaflets and start dates, Laura Connell stepped in against our former junior match and it went all the way with Steve Cook managed to get a team together for this years University Sports Leagues Netball Suzie Pierrepont who joined Chichester finally losing 3 – 2. tournament. With Flange North End (chiropractors) dropping out early, the management during the summer. Suzie showed why she party hit the court with drive and determination, fully loaded with a deadly strike force is one of the up and coming stars and didn’t Chichester 5 – 0 UniSPORT Guildford of Marcus (Wolfgang) Gutwenger and Unisports own Netballing wizard, Chris Tredwell. give Anne much chance winning 3 – 0. Unfortunately, put together, the pairing was as deadly as Sunderland’s forward line. Chichester fielded Malaysian no. 2 UniSPORT Guildford are at home at the However, the whole tournament has shaped up to be very exciting and great to watch for Mohamed Azlan Iskander at rubber no. 2 Varsity on the 3rd December against league entertainment, so make sure you get down to the sports centre this Wednesday to support which meant 2, 3 and 4 were all pushed leaders and last seasons beaten finalists your department or just to watch some fantastic action. down the order. This meant former world Broxbourne. Elsewhere, Bill Gates (computing services) are dominating the Volleyball with 4 wins out champion Ross Norman played Ben Garner If you are interested in seeing world class of 4. It’s quarterfinal time in the Mixed Soccer and the Tuesday Men’s soccer is wide open and lost 3 – 1 with the last two games being squash played at the University then contact but Wasters B looking like a good bet. very close. Ian Woodley tel. 01483 68(3915) or email. Neil Frankland who has been playing well [email protected] for more details. Well done to everyone involved so far and keep turning up and remember it’s free to for UniSPORT this season lost 3 –1 with two watch but you’re guaranteed action! 24 28 November 2002 SURREY PRIDE Footballers win... almost... This week’s match was against our arch By Ally Clifford rivals - Roehampton. After losing to them 8-0 in our first match of the season, we were pretty much guaranteed that the result University of Surrey 1st 1 couldn’t get any worse. However, feeling Roehampton 1 that we had something to prove we went out as a more much improved and more in our area, but we didn’t let our heads go confident side. We were out for revenge! down and continued to fight. Just before We started brightly, putting into practice half time our efforts were to be rewarded everything that we have learnt from our with a justly deserved goal. This came from coach Amy during training sessions. Collette whose work rate in the centre of Roehampton were well and truly riled as midfield is always astonishing. It was her we stifled all of their offensive play and first goal of the season but definitely won’t pressurised them in defence. In particular be her last. our two wingers Carly and Trina, (player of The second half saw us continue to match the match) put in outstanding performances, Roehampton, with our back four putting in a beating their defenders time and time solid performance and goalie Rach making again. This was even better as it was all a tremendous save when Roehampton caught on camera by our substitute Beth, finally broke through. We were playing whose photographic skills are unmatched, great football, but we just couldn’t score! (sorry to those of you who felt a bit sick As the whistle blew, we were well and truly whilst watching the footage in the HRB on frustrated by the draw, but felt proud of our Wednesday night). very much improved performance. We only Just as everything was going so well, we bloody won again! (Well, okay, we drew, but conceded a sloppy goal from a scramble it was definitely a moral victory). Do you trampoline? On the 2nd of February 2003, Surrey University will be hosting the BUSA regional trampoline championships. The university trampoline squad are looking for anybody with trampolining experience but who is currently unknown to us, to compete for their university and are also searching for volunteers to help on the day with the smooth running of this major event, (no previous experience is necessary but we are particularly looking for people with computer skills or those interesting in martially, scoring or being part of the welcoming committee).

Are you interested in gaining an extra qualification?

UniSPORT is also holding the annual coaching course between the 15th and 18th of January 2003. This is a fantastic opportunity for anyone with some trampolining experience to become a qualified British Gymnastics Trampoline coach. This course is heavily subsidised and the qualification allows you to coach at the university, schools, centres, Camp America and so on, coaching jobs are well paid and it also looks great on a student CV!! If you are interested in either helping out on the day of the competition, competing or becoming a coach, please contact Ben Brennan, (club chairman) [email protected] or Sally Surf and totty in Lanzarote Edie, [email protected] or x3917 for more information. Another fantastic opportunity with the surf club

The Canary Islands in January have by far the best ceremony was held on the beach, with prizes going combination of good surf and warm waters Europe to both sides. This year will follow much the same has to offer. Lanzarote has the best beach break in format. Everyone is welcome, you don’t need any the Canaries and our accommodation is just a short surfing experience to come and give it a go and with a walk away. If the swell is in the wrong direction, the week to practice you will be getting some good rides other side of the island is only a couple of hours away before the end. Like last year, we expect a good mix by car. It could hardly be better. The whole week, of guys and gals, beginners and more experienced including flights, self-catering accommodation, surfers, so don’t worry about being the odd one out. equipment, transfers, and insurance, costs only £299. Coaching is available and if you fancy surfing with It could not be better. a twist, kite surfing courses can also be arranged. A Last year was our first ever oversees trip and it great week of sun, sea, sand, surf and any other s’s was a great success. Everyone had a great time, you want to fit in, all for just £299. For more details the surf was consistently good throughout the week, e-mail [email protected] or leave your details in the water was warm enough to surf in just boardies the Surf Club pigeon hole in the Students Union and and the barren “moon like” landscape of the island we will get back to you. The photos above and to the provided a great back drop to our various activities. right are from last years trip. Towards the end of the week we had a friendly competition against the Scandinavian tutees of Surf Sports writer? Catching School Lanzarote. The coaching of Tim Jones “one the waves: a ‘dude’ pad- of the British Surfing Associations most experienced If you are interested in writing sports dles in after and respected surfing coaches” showed its merit and articles for barefacts, please email our doing a bit of we were outclassed. Everyone had a laugh and in new sports editor, Eddison Ruswa on what we like the true tradition of such competitions, the awards [email protected] to call ‘surfing’.