ch 14 CRAPSTAN VILLAS by Jason Welch
In the early hours of the morning………..
CHESTERFIELD We can leave it to you then Kevin.
KEVIN FORTESQUE Class dismissed for the evening, eye Benny
BENNY its 5 o’clock in the morning mate, you got to go home.
KEVIN FORTEQUE driver let me out here.
CHESTERFIELD DON’T LET JEAN SEE YOU IN THAT STATE, or your in detention old son.
BENNY and give young Stringfellow a bell and tell him WINKY’S is a great place for kids to grow up in.
CHESTERFIELD AND YOUR BACK TO OUR mark this morning.
BENNY he’s proper pussy whipped old bean, I go where I please.
KEVIN FORTEQUE give me another WINKEY Pontefract cake.
CHESTERFIELD After you get back from seeing those bankers in Dallas you’ll come back to us
SAM Are you REPUBLICAN or DEMACRATE
He get’s out of the cab at Milliways and waves goodbye to his chums as the cab speeds out of town. BACK IN THE CAB
CHESTERFIELD He’s got the fences to complete around the main gate of school , before the start of term so don’t knacker him.
AT BANKERS CORNER KEVIN IS AT THE CASH MACHINE WHEN a girl walks past.
[ HI Mr Fortisque been out on the town have we ]
KEVIN I only had a few ales young lady, how do these cash machines work.
[ you put your card and your number in and you press a few buttons, you get your cash ,and the bankings free. ]
THE ALPHA MALE COLLECTS HIS CARD AND TURNS TO HER.
KEVIN . Hey I remember you, I taught you home economics didn’t I.
[YES Sir ]
KEVIN Gretchen isn’t it, yes, I still have some walls that have your chewing gum waiting for you to come back with a scraper. And the reunion is very soon ,so give me an email
GRETCHEN I’ll do that, how is the old school
KEVIN It’s fine thanks Gretchen, you still a hairdresser for TONY ANG GUY’S.
GRETCHEN I gave that up yonks ago sir, I’m a manicure and personal trainer to newvue rich now. I’m engaged to ROJER CORWIN from IN ON THE TRAX now Kevin
KEVIN FORTISQUE congratulation’s give me a card and I’ll ask my Jean if she want’s a manicure mum’s the word, I’ll see you
He walks up the street tired but happy and gets to the roundabout and crosses the road. As he steps up a middle aged male walks up the steps of basement flat saying “ that was a lesson I wont forget “
KEVIN FORTISQUE Pardon me mate,a lesson.
MINTY ROBINSON Yes mate an education, and I have to get to the sorting office for the early shift.
KEVIN FORTISQUE Eduacation now that is my business my friend, I can teach about the three RRR’s MINTY ROBINSON You’ll get a brush up on your three RRR’s if you knock on that basement flat and no mistake.
Kevin slips down the dangerous brick steps to the green door and press’s the buzzer. After a while a bleached and permed brunette answers with “ yes what will it be for you this morning.
KEVIN FORTISQUE hello there madam” he sways and catches himself from falling over with the door frame “ I’m from the ministry of education and want to find out about these three RRR’s they told me about.
POLLY yes you’ve had a night of it already haven’t you, now come in.
She leads him through a hallway with fairy lights along the woodchip blinking and flashing with a matt black artexed cealing.
They walk through a string of beads to a living room and through to the back saying a quick hello to launging females sitting on chezlauge and straight into the kitchen
A large blond is at the kitchen sink washing dishes with a copy of COSMAPOLITAN propped up on the windowsill.
POLLY You can leave the sink and have our man from the ministry love, I have to get ready for a romantic date with a businessman !!
KEVIN FORTISQUE That’s right love it’s been a long night but I’m into education and started inspecting factories during the summer holidays, would you like a Pontefract cake, there from uncle Winkey himself don’t you know.
POLLY You name dropper you, one of the important men of NEWTOWN.
KEVIN FORTISQUE and I have to inspect your three RRR’s.
THE BLOND DRIES HERE HANDS ON A TEA TOWEL.
MARTA HARI how long have we got for this sketch anyway, yes alright it’s me, come this way, man from the ministry indeed.
ANOTHER BRIGHT SUNNY MORNING IN NEWTOWN Gilbert ratchet has woken up early to have a look at his sons bicycle, and Stanley steps out of the side door shielding his eyes from the moon beams caught in the sunlight through the gap in fence.
GILBERT , you need to oil the bearings in the pedals as it heavy going up gravel hill to school.
STANLEY Well I would stay and get it done myself , though I’m packing for the weekend and staying with me mates at a flat.
GILBERT Yes well for whence I agree with your mother, and want you out of trouble. what are these people like?
STANLEY What Ruffus he’s well sound, got a job with the council and makes a packet on recycling. And he’s away at PREMIER INN having a remembrance day.
GILBERT Very enlightening, you get off then and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, I’LL try and make this bicycle smother and faster.
STANLEY Thanks dad I’ll say good bye to mother on my way out.
GILBERT I’LL HAVE TO USE CLUTCH FLUID on these ball barrings, though Sir Walter Raleigh would approve ,.
THE ALPHA MALE TURNS AROUND
STANLEY [you are a barbarian, you know that dad , and I have to keep quiet over what I found out about at the cricket match with monks hill comprehensive last week] You’ll have to apologize to that foundation sports commentator dad, and I’m getting the mic taken out of me for that from me mates and that. And don’t forget I have to be quiet to mum and not tell her
GILBERT Sorry son I’m seeing counselling t but the old urges come back sometimes. YOU’LL understand when your older Stanley.
STANLEY nods his head and walks back into the house to say goodbye to mum.
Gloria is in the living room at the writing bureau looking over her woman’s guild files, preparing for a meeting later on. Stanley walks in with [bye mum ,I’m off to a flat of ill repute for the weekend so I won’t be around for dinner and that]
GLORIA Oh what a shame, I was hopping for your help and support with the protest rally against cuts in NHS spending and closing services at the DISTRICT HOSPITAL.
Stanley NO CAN DO MUM, and the gang have planned this weekend since one of our friends decided to get engaged in style.
GLORIA Oh really and who is this man, someone you rely on.
STANLEY never mind , he’s a stand up guy and one of us
GLORIA you go then have a nice time.
LATER ON AT VERNON STREET
Stringfellow wakes up , and throws on a flowery dressing gown, then pads out to the bathroom in his slippers. Over at the SUNRIPE boot camp in EQUIDOR, General ablutions and Sergeant Well beloved meet at the tea urn of the mess room,.
GENERAL ABLUTIONS Now I want a clean bout Sargent, no hitting bellow the family juwels, alright.
SARGENT WELLBELOVED just you watch it old son, or I won’t introduce you to Juicy Lucy when we get into town.
GENERAL ABLUTIONS ALRIGHT SARGENT, THAT WILL BE ALL, AND go easy on these team from PERU, THEY HAVE JUST GOT OFF THE BUS.
SARGENT WELLBELOVED We all have our cross to bear general,
Back in NEWTOWN , ENGLAND Stringfellow bounds down the stairs and greets his father Christopher straightening his tie in the large hall mirror STRINGFELLOW SHAW Us young men must have our time to relax, it’s not all work work work, dad.
CHRISTOPHER NEWTON my thoughts exactly son, but try and be ready for the game against the postmen on SUNDAY, that minty Robinson the postmaster , has been down the porthole bragging that he’s giving your boys a thorough lesson.
ON HIS WAY OUT THE ALPHA MALE TURNS BACK TO HIS DAD,
STRINGFELLOW SHAW We’ll beat the postmen for you dad,or it’s further relegation to the bottom of the league.
CHRISTOPHER That’s the fighting spirit son, I’ll tell them down at the pub that your give them a match to remember.
SALLY Opens the front door with two shopping bags and steps into the hallway.
SALLY You should see the traffic in town centre this morning, the bus was stuck there.
CHRISTOPHER Never mind, I’ll take the shopping and unpack it and you can put you feet up.
STRINGFELLOW I can’t help I have to go, and I won’t be home this weekend so don’t cook me anything.
SALLY More of that foundation business is it a dirty weekend I’ll be bound.
STRINGFELLOW Good wholesome fun that you can read in the magazine. I must make the most of it I’m back at sixth form college in two weeks.
CHRISTOPHER alright then , print us a copy, you Have a good time.
He walks through the front door and down the garden path, closing the gate behind him and takes a left along Vernon street. On his way to James grangers, the sun comes out as he crosses the road. At the zebra crossing a pigion fly’s and lands, on the other side at the corner of LETSBY AVENUE.
At James’s house, James passes his father in the living room reading the paper.
JAMES GRANGER Alright there dad , taking it easy before work I see. Here have a look at this. It’s the latest edition of the foundation magazine with us on the cover playing cricket against the ST STEVEN’S COLLEGE
He walks over to his dads recliner chair and hands him KEEN AS MUSTARD.
WILLIAM Ok lad that’s right, I’ll have lots if patients to push around from recovery ward and theatres at the hospital.
JAMES GRANGER I’ll be away for the weekend but my mate Keith will come Around tomorrow to take our Muttly the dog for a walk.
WILLIAM As long as he isn’t a werdo, or critisis my curtains lad, you should go tell your mother.
James leaves the living room and walks to the kitchen where Margery is preparing A TRAY FOR MRS Aspinal
He takes the tray upstairs and knocks on the door of his auntie and after a few seconds here’s “come in “then enters
ASPINAL oh it’s you James, my favourite nephew.
JAMES
Mrs A is watching THE YOUNG AND RESTLESS on cable as he passes her the tray of wheat flakes.
JAMES Those big men are coming to take you to the day centre and will be here in about an hour, so don’t be late. it pains me to say times winged chariot has caught up with us and I must bid you adue.
He gets up to leave with [ right I must take Muttley for a walk along the canal before Stringfellow arrives and meet the others.]
He leaves and bounds downstairs and along the hallway adorned with floral prints and china ducks to the back of the house, collecting the dog lead. Muttley is waiting outside and he clips him on and takes the side gate out just as his father steps out of the front door. WILLIAM GRANGER So while your away with your friends I can have a dirty weekend with her indoors can I.
JAMES Yes dad, you’re a brave man and no mistake. You should get a medal
WILLIAM GRANGER cheeky sod get out
THE SMALL TOAD JUMPS INTO THE RIVER PLOP
A few yard along the pavement James pulls on the lead to slow his Alsatian just as Rodney his Pe instructor runs past him.
RODNEY I’ll get you fit next season James I’m coming down hard on you slug heads.
JAMES really sir and that snap shot of you in the PINK PELICAN prancing around like a tit is on the school magazine.
RODNEY You can’t I’ll have you up before the headmaster.
JAMES I DIDN’T MEAN THE OFFICIAL SCHOOL MAGAZINE SIR. “ and leaves him standing there.
As James walks away William reaches the kitchen where Margery is packing a bag.
WILLIAM GRANGER my only night off this week and the house to ourselves dear, it could be one for the record books.
MARGERY GRANGER And say goodbye to Mrs A on her way out she has a surprise for you.
WILLIAM GRANGER Alright I’ll just run a bath and get down here for when she leaves, last nights shift was murder on my back.
As Mrs A gets down ROLLING THUNDER pulls up outside ARCASIA GARDENS and bubba and Ski GET OUT of the front.
BUBBA YOU KNOW I MISS HAVING THAT ROBOT ORDERING ME AROUND.
SKI Yes pal but we see him when we get to Milton keens, and he’s changed his name to TREBOR. That’s the last time I let you drive on a full breakfast, you drive like a mainiac and it smells like a dutch oven in there.
Margery has the door open and Mrs A takes hold of the A FRAME with both hands.
MRS ASPINAL You put that tank top on and take a look see that he does Marg, I spent three weeks on it. She shuffals down the garden path pigeon stepping on crazy paving
BUBBA Ready for the day centre Mrs A, we have a busy day ahead of us transporting.
Over at the canal , Muttley has paddled to the other side and Keith Forsit turns up to take the dog off James and Stringfellow.
. And ring me in the morning or get around and I’ll let you in. me and lado here are having the weekend in flat 101 CRAPSTON VILLAS
Keith Fausit Yes, and when you get back to school you can come to my self defence class,
OVER AT NEWTOWN FLY OVER A YOUNG COUPLE ENTER A HOTEL.
The man is tall slim and black and the girl slender with curly black hair and olive complexion.
Ruffus and Alexis enter the lobby of PREMIER INN AND ARE GREATED WITH CLEAN AIR and relaxing music.
RUFFUS CALLWEL This looks nice but we could have gone to the TRAVELOGE next door.
TO BE CONTINUED
ALEXIS suffering suckatach, this is the only way we can have time away from your followers.
RUFFUS oh the Trafalgar gang, I want them to have the run of the flat , lets check in and then I’ll phone Stringfellow.
They carry there suitcases to the purple counter, where they get reservations from GRALDINE the receptionist and are given there key.
GRALDINE I’ll get our porter, rAYMOND to help you up
SHE RINGS for the porter who arrives with a white page boy outfit.
RAYMOND HELLO THERE, how can I be of service.
RUFFUS Just the luggage RAYMOND, WE are a bit overloaded.
RAYMOND Well this way for the English speaking tour, its just along here.
He leads them to double doors to the side where a push chair and couple are entering the lobby. Ruffus holds the door open for them and they push the baby through.
RAYMOND The bar is at the end off this hallway, and the dinning room is just to your right.
They start down the corridor adorned with classic décor and soft lighting in a 1940’s style with a warm moave walls.
RAYMOND Yes the dark brown paneling of this elevator contrasts with the pastel shades and soft lighting to give a style from early twentieth centuary America.
RUFFUS yes, as long as its not tears before bedtime, this weekend.
Raymond WELL I’ll show you to your room and the rest is up to you.
At the tenth floor they get to there room and unlock.
RAYMOND AFTER YOU , SIR
RUFFUS Don’t worry I’m not carrying her over the threshold lead on.
ALEXIS I LIKE A FIREMAN’S LIFT SLOMO
RAYMOND Here you are then, this is the bathroom and here is the waredrobe. He walks over and opens one of two matching wardrobes and the couple stand behind him.
ALEXIS plenty of space for my stuff,
RUFFUS you better go Raymond or they will wonder what they have done with there page boy.
ALEXIS yes you’ll have to stop asking for long explanations mate.
RUFFUS I will love when I get to the bottom of this page.
She gives him a playful punch on the arm
ALEXIS he’s terrible, mind like a sewer rat, thank you Raymond.
RUFFUS well you get unpacked and I’ll check in with the gang, make sure they are not up to any mischief on my house.
HE SITS ON THE DOUBLE BED WHICH DOMINATES THE ROOM and calls Stringfellow.
James has just taken muttley off his lead when stringfellow gets a call from his refuse loader friend ruffus calwell. STRINGFELLOW SHAW Settled in at the hotel have we Ruffus.
RUFFUS Play your cards right and you could stay at mine all week, though I’m a little bit worried that your unshaperoned.
STRINGFELLOW SHAW Unshaperoned with two nice girls you mean, I feal the same as you. My headmaster will have me kicked out of school if I get his daughter in the pudding club.
RUFFUS yes and that Michael and Tim are randy buggers, I don’t know how you’ve managed so far. But to be honest mate I have a similar problem standing right hear in front of me.
STRINGFELLOW SHAW yes it’s all right for you , it will be like the open air play SUFFERING SUCKATACH all over again, it’s expected. Though the TRAFALGAR GANG have a clean living image to millions of viewers and listeners around the foundation.
RUFFUS Yes I enjoyed that cricket match by the way, me and roger where listening in the van while clearing the playground and recreation field. Listen, we are going to unpack and go down to the bar and I’ll call you when you get to mine.
STRINGFELLOW SHAW that’s great we are poping along and collecting Stanley ratchet along the way and then meeting Jeramy to St lukes vicarage . Then it’s straight to that notorious council estate known as CRAPSTON VILLAS.
RUFFUS In the mean time I’m thinking of a way to stop unessesary tactile contact between teenagers.
STRINGFELLOW SHAW you’re a tower of strength Ruffus enjoy the honeymoon.
When ROLLING THUNDER pulls up outside a day centre building the clouds have let a light rain , and they swiftly lower the step for the old lady.
MRS ASPINAL thanks lads you shall have a nut at Christmas I COULDN’T HAVE MADE IT WITHOUT YOU.
Matron meets them at reception just as Stanley the vaccum cleaner is finishing on the royal blue floor.;
MATRON mrs’A your in time to make the bunting and help with arts and crafts so come in.
SKI yeah we have to go now
MATRON have a WINKEY’S OPEL FRUIT JELLY , men you know it makes sense. BUBBA our favourite how did you guess, I’ll have this one.
SKI what do you know, we are driving straight up the hill to the WINKEY FACTORY to collect some VIP’s and take them to the film studio’s
MATRON Oh the JUGHEAD TV SERIES I’ve read about in your brocheure, I’ll just put the kettle on and make mrs A a cuppa.
AT the edge of town the gang step off the bus , just as the light rain becomes a torrent.
Tim Curry LEMON JUMPER AND CREAM SLACKS
That’s it I’m voting Libral democrate.
GRAHAM well we get out of the rain, and I’m still head boy of CARDINAL WOLSEY’S remember.
LORA DENHAM yes and my conditioner is rincing out and I’ll get split ends so peg it.
The gang race down a concrete ramp to the main door of the first of the four towers and let themselves in.
STRINGFELLOW SHAW I’m still waiting for ruffus to get back to me Michael, he has a cunning idea to stop us getting to close to the females.
David GARDNER Yes it had better be good cos even with split ends and like a drowned rat I’m into lora.
ANN FITZGERALD Easy tigger I can hear you from over there.
STANLEY MARYLAND CHOC CHIP LADS.
The rubbish strewn hallway has a new coat of blue and pink paint with a red and white cealing ,with faulty strip lights.
They reach the elevator and wait .
JAMES GRANGER I’ll speak to the residence committee while delivering.
JERAMY Fitzroy THAT’S RIGHT someone want’s to sweep up around hear tell MR WAINRIGHT.
On the fithtieth floor they get to flat 101, and let themselves in.
LORA DENHAM I wouldn’t feel safe coming here alone it could be a potential death trap. GRAHAM you great wet lettice it’s camera’s all over the block.
BACK IN THE HOTEL RUFFUS AND ALEXIS ARE FINNISHING THERE DRINKS.
ALEXIS they better not go through all my drawers.
RUFFUS there’s nothing left you packed all your stuff.
The LED monitors are showing football on the bar is full of guests enjoying a break from modern living. They sit at a booth with brass railings and golden seat covers with red panelled walls.
ALEXIS So what’s this great scheme to stop them using our bed.
RUFFUS Keep them working, or I’ll send our roger to check on them. How about an investigation into the OJ SIMPSON MUDER TRIAL, the internet is on.
RUFFUS lateral thinking my sweet, though I’m confining you to the horizontal in 20 minuites.
ALEXIS that page boy is winking at us,
RUFFUS not surprise after my Oscar Wild joke.
ALEXIS And the receptionist caught him ill fragranto de lecto
RUFFUS that’s greek for touching up the page boy, Mr wild you promised you would stop doing this. YES I WILL BUT LET ME GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE
AT FLAT 101 CRAPSTON VILLAS ,
JAMES GRANGER HEAR’S ONE FOR YOU ALL THE NOLAN SISTERS
I’M IN THE MOOD FOR DANCING
STRINGFELLOW SHAW has stationed himself at the desktop and is printing off the foundation magazine for the associate members of the tower block .
[when assembled and stappled toget5her we shall deliver them with TO there adoring fans within the block “]
AT PREMIER INN….
ALEXIS THAT Norman is still fumbling around looking for his trousers my darling. RUFFUS TELL HIM TO GO TO RECEPTION AND GET US A CUP[ OF TEA. In the mean time I’ll check in with the boy’s and girls at CRAPSTONE VILLAS.
Back at Crapston villas, Stringfellow hangs up the phone as Michael sullivan comes out of the kitchen with a tray of BRANSTON PICKLE ON TOAST and the gang dive in hungrily
STRINGFELLOW RUFFUS WANTS US TO CHECK ON THE OJ SIMPSON TRIAL, and report back jeromy fitzoliver is crouching in the corner of the room with ruffus’e pet snake [year i want a go with that] [that’s it i have something of a adventure to write ,and he still wants us to check on the OJ SIMPSON TRAIL and pronounce judgement]
DAVID HANDS ON COCKS AND ON WITH SOCKS
STRINGFELLOW SHAW well if you finish getting these copies of KEEN AS MUSTARD so we can post them in the morning before keith arrives.
JAMES GRANGER just budge up i want that desktop
STRINGFELLOW SHAW well i would JAMES ,THOUGH I’VE JUST FOUND a strange blog by old roger clapper here called.
THE BIOGRAPHY OF UMBULLA CALLWELL (FICTIONALISED)
By Roger Clapper
In 1955 he accepted the queens generous offer and left a sugar plantation in RODESIA TAKING A a boing 727 He touched down at heathrow to a “sea of grey.” The customers officer got pliers to get the bone out of his nose and he crushed a dozen eggs in front of them to relive the pain.
UMBULLA CALLWELL them shit boss we must get rid of whitey.
After wandering the streets of Cockfosters hr settled in THORNTON HEATH ,SURREY with a family of 2000.
The council knocked on his front door and offered him employment, and he was painting the roads of belgravier when a fight broke out between a couple of honkies and he splashed them with yellow paint.
The wife and mother of his children ditched the victim immediately and took her Caucasian baby back to THORNTON HEATH with them and they set up home together. The family soon expanded along the tenement street of ELLIOTT ROAD, knocking connecting walls , and UMBULLA CALLWELL could often be seen jumping from roof top to roof top along the street.
Then just as there first son was born UMBULLA met and married PAULA ABDUL BROWN and moved to PADDINGTON, abandoning Tracy and young RUFFUS CALLWELL.
He continued to work for the council painting yellow lines in the East London area until he decided to retire back to Zimbabwe after the farms where taken back from there hated white oppressors and is living back on a sugar plantation.
Ruffus has followed in his great fathers footsteps though thankfully has not reproduced the fantastic feats of human acrobatics that UMBULLA achived. Though he has his stepmothers ALBUM as a prize possession in his flat.
SVP we taker one step forward we take two steps back we get to gether cos oppersites attract, it aint IBSEN it’s a natural fact, we get together cos oppersites attract.
Keith Fausit steps off the bus and walks down the ramp to the front entrance of crapston villas and buzz’s. He walks down the blue and pink hallway with flashing strip light’s with red and white artex cealing. He presse’s the elevator button and waits for the cubicle to descend to ground level grateful to be let in.
When he gets to the ninth floor he can here a NOLAN SISTER’S ALBUM, PLAYING at flat 101, and he bangs laudly on the door.
MICHAEL SULLIVAN DO’T DO THAT YOU’LL RUIN THE PAINT WORK, my dear fellow it’s great to see you now come on in and join the party.
The wall is adorned with flying ducks as he pace’s the hallway and comes into find JAMES GRANGER, alone at the desktop called GERALDINE.
JAMES GRANGER my forgetfull karati instructor has arrived, just as I’m taking a peak at POSTYOUWIVES.CO.UK. did you walk my dog like I asked you to.
KEITH FAUSIT Yes james, and your mum made me KELOGS FROSTIES, WITH Granualated sugar. Where are the gang today then.
JAMES GRANGER MARGERY is like that with everyone keith, don’t think your special.
KEITH FAUSIT Right you fucking little fudge packer, I won’t do it tommorow, now where are the lads. JAMES GRANGER Out delivering KEEN AS MUSTARD WITH A double action centerfold of DICK DUROCK AS SWAMP THING. STRINGFELLOW is up with HETTIE WAINTHROP with out lattest plays, THE DIARY OF UMBULLA CALLWELL, MIAMI TWICE AS NICE.
And Tim and the girls are up with SID MOTRUM LISTENING THE leslie phillip’s mozart consherto , eating spotted dick and taking a shower.
KEITH FAUSIT Alright then where’s STANLEY AND JEROMY.
JAMES GRANGER They are below with MR WAINRIGHT watching HING & BRAKET’S DEFINATIVE MACADO, BY GILBERT AND SULLIVAN, Michael just poped down to get me a lemon sherbert when you arrived. well you’ve obviousdly been enjoying yourselves and I’m bang on time so I pledge my alegence to the TRADFALGAR GANG now make me a cup of coffee.
JAMES GRANGER SORRY KEITH GERALDINE HERE SAY’S NO, BUT THERE’S A MICROWAVE OVEN IN THE KITCHEN AND YOU CAN MAKE ME A STRONG ONE. SVP life can be full and rich if you can stand the tast , but you’ll need a coffee with the bigger tast, when your feelling like you gotta pick yourself up , you need a bigger tast right in your coffee cup, move up to BROOK BOND RED MOUNTAIN, with the richer roasted darker coffee taste, move up to brook bond red mountain, move up to the bigger taste.
KEITH FAUSIT I’ll make it a VLAD THE IMPAILER or a CORPSE REVIVER
JAMES GRANGER MINE’S the corpse reviver, JUGHEAD now get.
Latter on all the gang are back and Ruffus has phoned again asking them two find out about the marks brothers DUCK SOUP AND THE KENNADY ASSASINATION.
Ruffus CALLWELL ME AND ALEX ARE HAVING A GOOD TIME AND WE’VE JUST GOT ENGAGED
ALEX ,BUT I DON’T WANT YOU GOING THROUGH THE BEDSIDE CABINETS SO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS RESERCH FOR US.
STRINGFELLOW SHAW we found your dad’s Unautherised biography ruffus, very funny. And I’ve written a play for the foundation magazine KEEN AS MUSTARD called TRUST IN ME I’M A FARMER
ANN FITZGERALD `well done stringfellow but that’s a daddy question.
LORA DENHAM year like who wins in a fight between MIGHTY MOUSE AND SUPERMAN STEVEN FITZROY Well I think its Superman cos he’s a man
DAVID MANNING You would vicars boy, its MIGHTY MOUSE cos he can fly up his anus and come out the man of steels mouth.
JAMES GRANGER FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLETT, more powerfull than a locomotive , able to leep tall buildings in a single bound, its NIGELLA LAWSONS BUTT MASSURE
GRAHAM Anything for a party you great wet lettice but if he’s the man of steel he can clench his buttocks to prevent entry.
JAMES GRANGER THEE right tasty these Nolan sisters, and I still haven’t desided if O J SIMPSON was guilty or innocent.
STRINGFELLOW SHAW that’s what BOB MONKHOUSE said in the original script for BLOOD BATH OF THE NAKED VIXEN after President Kennady was assassinated.
ANN FITZGERALD I’m related to him, I have Irish blood in me
GRAHAM We’ve clubbed together keith and you’re the new boy so we sending you to get the pizza’s
LORA DENHAM min’s a margaretta
JAMES GRANGER and min’e a hawian
NIM Then major hullahan arrives with a troup of nurses and hyginks ensue
KEITH FAUSET I’ll go get the pizza’s, give me the money.
TIM CURRY AND WHEN YOU GET BACK , GIVE ONE TO SID IN THE TOP FLAT
KEITH FAUSIT are you takeing the micky
STRINGFELLOW SHAW NO DOCTOR EVIL, BUT YOU TAKE ALL THE MONEY AND COME BACK WITH THE PIZZA’S
Outside the high street LUCY ROBINSON comes out of DONAVANS PIZZA PARLOUR, and knos into a moped just in front of keith. Keith uses his wrist communicator[ from britvig] and slows down time enough to help her up and gather up the pizz’as
LUCY ROBINSON Though he was taking the rise out of my pizz’as matey boy, how you slow time to catch me. KEITH FAUSIT this gives me a long second , I’m a transfer hunter from the year 1999 this is not a dream girl, I cant turn back time forever , though todays your lucy day with a licorish stick.
LUCY ROBINSON These have extr anchovies and the peppers have gone all over the shop mattey boy
[good news I’ll take them off you for cost price if we forget that happened and we eat one in DONAVAN’S PIZZA PARLOUR]
LUCY ROBINSON ALRIGHT it’s a date, my man won’t belive I can deliver in a spit second.
KEITH FAUSIT like I told you , this wriswt communicator also has a long second now get in there girl, and after we deliver these to the TRAFALGAR GANG
NEXT TO DONAVANS PIZZA PARLOUR is a greengrocers shop with the title
DAFT IRISH JAMIES VEGIES in bright yellow paint.
While LUCY AND KEITH are enjoying the pizza DAFT JAMIES COMES OUT WITH A CUCUMBER
DAFT JAMIE NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT
JO CAPP YOU STILL NOT DECIDED WHETHER OJ SIMPSON IS INOCENT OR GUILTY, by the way you can come over to the BEAR TRAP FOUNDATION OROBORUS BOOT CAMP for a trip of a life time when your ready you name the date.
STRINGFELLOW SHAW we in rehersals for suckering sucatch 2
As keith steps down the concret steps of donavans pizza parlour with lucy robinson the sun has gone and there is a chill in the air. Daft Jamie is shutting up shop [good work if you can get it]
KEITH FAUSIT I’m not from round here and I forget , where is CRAPSTON VILLAS.
LUCY ROBINSON Press that long second on you Cronos watch and off we jolly well go, what what !!
DAFT JAMIE PICKS UP A BOX OF CUCUMBERS [ ey good work if you can get it ]
287 KIETH FAUSET LETS GET BACK, is your mkoped safe there chained to the streetlamp Lucy.
LUCY ROBINSON Should be now thanks for rescuing me , and what about the workers And they walk along the high street in normal time until they get back to CRAPSTONE VILLAS and back to the flat 101 where the NOLAN SISTERS can be heard from down the hallway, and the of number where the TRAFALGAR GANG are
LATER
KEITH so lads what’s the verdict,
GRAHAM nice one keith, you brought us the pizzas
TIM CURRY You get my ice cube album
EVERY SECOND SOMEONE TAKES IT FOR THE MISERY OF A COLD, MILLIONS MORE TAKE PROMO QUININ
MICHAEL SULLIVAN SO I’m for the margaretta
KEITH ` I mean what do you think of the freeby I picked up outside.
EVERY SECOND SOMEONE TAKES IT FOR THE MISERY OF A COLD, MILLIONS MORE TAKE PROMO QUININ
STRINGFELLOW SHAW LOOKS GOOD TO ME BUCKEROO GIVE ME THE PIZZA
ANN FITZGERALD So I was telling you lora, I me the lad called VEPER NEWTON, in mess room eating peanuts and singing a song about peanuts and I want him acutaly right hear, but this YANK , needs the interview.
STRINGFELLOW SHAW peel that orange wench and then I’ll way up the pros and cons with Maranda frost, her wench.
SVP these kp nuts stay fresh and tasty in the bag they give you los of protein which cant be bad I’m haveing so much fun with britains number one wev’ve got kp.
KEITH so I just said what do you think now Can we sit down.
STANLEY RATCHET YES TAKE MY SEAT , I haven’t finished my application for UNCLE WINKEY’S yes.
GRAHAM he’s that press gang gonna get you , like they did me and ad in the pub last week if your don’t get finished our kid.
GILBERT it’s true , I kid you not man and boy etc
FIRST DAY AT WORK FOR STANLEY Ratchet TARTAN HIGHLAND SHORTCAKE LINE FONDANT CITY
JUNOR 2000 This is your work station now follow the other drudges checking the our tartan matches the code on the checkered flag up here,
You can sit hear and put this head set on, it’s a new devise delivered to us by UNCLE WINKEY
Just then a yellow iris opens in the adjacent wall and the large capsule glides in.
The door opens and the two execuatives walk out
UNCLE WINKEY We have the go ahead, now make sure they have there new helmets on HOPKINS
EVERY SECOND SOMEONE TAKES IT FOR THE MISERY OF A COLD, MILLIONS MORE TAKE PROMO QUININ
JUNIOR 2000 put the helmet on and you might be surprised at what you see and off you go.
UNCLE WINKEY WE’LL DONE , junior number 2000, Hopkins your with me, through and along , lets set sail
They walk back into the travel capsule and close the door,
WINCEY WHERE TO NEXT KOPKINS, THERE’S A SENTRAL RELAY IN SECTOR SEVEN
HOPKINS I DON’T KNOW I’M WITH MAKREA ,
Winkey THAT’S RIGHT NOW HANG ON AND OF WE GO ,
The travel capsule glides through the gantries and through a steel iris painted maroon then into the centre of a new production unit.
Inside WINKEY steps down from the consol and uses his card to open the door.
WINKEY Has the SODASTREAM FOR CROWN HARVEST YOGURTS AND ALCOPOS arrived yes HOPKINS.
HOPKINS THEY BROUGH IT IN YESTERDAY
They leave the capsule and are greeted by JUNIOR 15 WITH A CLIPBOARD. JUNIOR 15 great news UNCLE WINKEY, me an 21 have tested the carboniser and the CHERRY AID is frothy.
WINKEY SUPER JUNIOR 15, I’LL HAVE HOPKINS send the drudges in tomorrow,
HOPKINS you just give the word UNCLE WINKEY
WINKEY and I want APPLE TIZER SLISH PUPPIES for the next UNIT, now lets be off there’s a meeting with EDWARD.
HOPKINS We might have to wait till he’s finished his cotton candy UNCLE WINKEY. You know while you where away he had me over there up in his office and checking in deliveries, I was sick on the travel disk.
WINKEY I warned you off that didn’t I , he’ll use and excuse to get his stuffing at the knocking shop in town.
EDWARD DINGLE IS LATE
Gilbert Is he finished yet
Marta hari he’s just had his teeth fixed and they are in love gilbert now be patint
GILBERT WON’DER HOW THAT DRUDGE IS DOING ON THE FONDANT LINE
Marta hari WHAT YOU ON ABOUT GILBERT
Gilbert that drudge , you yknow the one I knocked up a while back
MARTA HARI kNOW, still none the wiser
POLLY
DaFT JAMIE good work if you can get it
It’s a cloudy day over on the parade next to CRAPSTON VILLAS and MARIO is geting his vegetables from the greengrocer next door.
MARIO My devivery staff have phoned in sick MARIO i’ll have to get more help
DaFT JAMIE good work if you can get it
The travel capsule glides through a rose coloured steel iris and along a transparent tube over and into the plastics factory, halting in the middle of a large cavern of boiling vats. Inside the main lights come on and UNCLE WINKEY steps off the platform. UNCLE WINCEY We’ve made it in one piece HOPKINKS, though I think me kidneys are where me liver should be.
He swipes his key card into the chip and pin reader and they emerge into a hot room with noisy boilers.
UNCLE WINCEY They certainly deliver the decibels don’t they HOPKINKS. By the way did you select an animal from EDWARDS petting zoo the other day while he was off gallivanting.
HOPKINS Yes I went for a white rabbit and named it GORDON.
They go over to the nearest intercom and key in a password and then [ PAGING EDWARD DINGLE, can he come and collect two desperate confectionists ]
They wait a moment and then [ ~Yes WINKEY I’m here, be there in a jiffy ]
UNCLE WINCEY first I must inspect these new CROWN HERO range of yogurts and alcopops isn’t that right HOPKINS.
Hopkins JUNIOR 121 has the line ready UNCLE WINCEY.
Soon they here the familiar hum o a travel disk moving at high velocity through cellophane villa, before it breaks the plastic barrior with a laud TWANG
The disk stops a meter in front of them [ realy winkey you should step away from the running stream these things are lethal, unless driven by an expert of course now get on and hold on tight ]
The disk wizz’es off and pass’s the clingfilm line in a blur of plastic. [straight to my apartment for us then or do you need to use the lavatory.]
UNCLE WINCEY just fix me an ANDREWS in water and we’ll get down to business DINGLE.
[ RIGHT THEN HOLD TIGHT] the disk glides onto a elevator and goes straight up passing an administration and office block and then stops outside a large metal door.
HOPKINDS how do you stop the DRUDGES knocking on your door then DINGLE
DINGLE Only i get to the penthouse and there buzzer works besides the factory is fully automated, and the rest is handled by my stewardes’s
EDWARD DINGLE come in make yourselves at home, don’t mind POLLY here she ‘s my new secretary. A tall blond in a fur coat turns around from the office window, smoking a cigarette
WINKEY RHIP HOPKINS
HOPKINS what’s that UNCLE WINCKEY
UNCLE WINCEY RANNK HAS ITS PRIVELEGES, now Edward fix me that Elkaselza your flying disk has made me go queasy.
I’ll get POLLY can you do the honours for UNCLE WINCEY, IN THE GOLD TANCARD behind the bar
UNCLE WINCEY now have you had the designs for the plastic chipmonks, squirrals and badgers fitted into your state of the art moulding machine, and what about the DRUDGES.
DINGLE yes yes the mouldings are running but your we ANGUS has us fitting out his project so you’ll have to wait in line.
UNCLE WINCEY now have you had the designs for the plastic chipmonks, squirrals and badgers fitted into your state of the art moulding machine, and what about the DRUDGEAS
POLLY So you’re the number one man in NEWTOWN UNCLE WINCEY I’ve heard so much about you.
UNCLE WINCEY All good I hope, the cherry bake wells never given you the windy puffs have they.
POLLY No far from it UNCLE WINCEY, you OPEL FRUITS refresh the ladies so I’m told.
UNCLE WINCEY Yes the are a special recipe, like the humbugs may I take your coat.
She pass’s her fur coat to him , as he accepts a glass from Hopkins and throws it on the LOIS ESCARGO SOFA.
UNCLE WINCEY Now to business my JUNIOR 209 has prepared the soda stream and the COSTCUTTER HAVE DELIVERED SOME STICKY LABELS so I’m ready for the containers.
Just the a laud claxon sounds from the garden down below.[
POLLY what’s all this then your men on strike EDWARD. DINGLE goes over to the large concave window shouting [no my dear its the start of the beta shift rabbit race come and have a look]
From the back they see men in overalls with bunny rabbits helping them through a plastic adventure playground.
DINGLE It’s marvellous isn’t it how i keep the drudges happy , and the winner gets a gift token. Some of my staff swear they would rather never leave even when i pay single time at christmass.
UNCLE WINCEY ingenius , now that’s what i came over to find out. I’ve found some farm land in DERBYSHIRE owned by those men from EXCELCIOR SPACE MISSION, they say they’ll be finished with it very soon.
DINGLE Yes though don’t hold your breath the EXECLCIOR might not get off the ground
UNCLE WINCEY Come on then Hopkins lets get back to the FONDANT CITY, There are changes to oversee.
HOPKINS can i check on GORDON FIRST UNCLE WINCEY
UNCLE WINCEY yes of course though get your UMBRELLA ITS ABOUT TO RAIN.
Back on the flapjacks STANLEY RATCHET IS WATCHING PACKETS GO PAST HIM WITH HIS HELMET ON WHILE WATCHING PANARAMA TELEVISION.
JUNIOR 219 you are checking the patterns match the colour chart in front of you arn’t you.
STANLEY RATCHET yes number 219, and to think i gave up further education with me mates to be here
JUNIOR 219 one born every minute STANLEY, new we angus wants the tartan matching the MACREA CLAN or the THIRD LAIRD OF THE MANOUR WILL HAUNT THE CASTLE.
In his visor PANORAMA TELEVISION has just started the pilot for JUGHEAD, INTRDUCED BY ALISON STEADMAN AND JACK BE NIMBBLE [REPRESENTING THE EASTERN ALLIANCE]
It is the near future when NORTH KOREA has left NATO and walked out of disarmament talks. A state of emergence is happening and THE prime minister’s son takes refuge above a nuclear bunker and camp out it a disused industrial complex.
JACK BE NIMBLE you in so much trouble now JUGHEAD you might never see GENE AGAIN, we have her where you never get hold of her ERIC YOUNGBLOOD NOW I ASK YOU VIEWERS CAN I PUT UP WITH THIS.
TREBOUR No JUGHEAD I HAD TO SAVE CHEVRON HERE FROM THE BREAKERS YARD WHEN SHE CRASHED.
ERIC YOUNGBLOOD send those emails in till next week i,m spending the weekend with MISS CHEW MEE.
A turquoise metal iris opens and the travel capsule glides out and deposits itself in the centre
HOPKINS it’s PRESIDENT MACREA on the phone UNCLE WINCEY asking if you have the sets ready for the series.
UNCLE WINCEY Oh put him on [ he snatches the phone ] yes ANGUS i imagine you’ve got good news,.
PRESIDENT MACREA yes MR YAKAMOTO from VICTOR COMPANY OF JAPAN has seen the show and has desided to go for a full 13 episodes, so when can we have the NUCLEAR BUNKER.
UNCLE WINKEY you might have to make do with a cheap RESIN STUDIO SET ANGUS
PRESIDENT MACREA COME ON ROCK OF GEBRALTTA, we have the technology
UNCLE WINKEY yes ANGUS BUT THE WILL POWER,
PRESIDENT MACREA all the best UNCLE WINKEY, nice to talk with you one more time.
Uncle winkey passes the telephone to his assistant and strides to the highland shortcake production line.
UNCLE WINCEY that was president Macrea just know and he asked me to tell you all to be extra vigilant making shore out shortcake matches the MACREA CLAN TARTAN. So keep up the good work.
He walks along the conveyor belt as the drudges stare at the buiscuit bars wizzing past them and gives a wink to JUNIOR 212 at the end and then taps on STANLEY RATCHET’s shoulder.
UNCLE WINCEY first day at work alright is it lad.
Stanley takes his visor off saying [not bad Uncle Winkey, this new show you have for us has made the hours just fly by. UNCLE WINCEY First day at work can be an eye opener lad, now don’t forget to ask JUNIOR 212 hear about our social club events coming up.
Down in the mixing vats ROGER CLAPPER is pouring sugar in, under the bright lights with a team of drudges.
ROGER CLAPPER and to think I could be watching sports in the park with my mate Ruffus if I hadn’t have come to this cake and confection factory
It’s another wet miserable morning at NEWTOWN RECREATION .
MIGHTY WHITE You join me hear for the match between the TRAFALGAR GANG, and CONSIGNIA of the post office and what a thrilling game thisis gong to be.
The posties are first out onto the pitch her at NEWTOWN recreation ground with MINJTY ROBINSON as captain.
Over on the side lines PONELOPE GARDNER is waiting with her youngest,
SAM So father and daughter are playing against each other then, Keith’s girl has joined the trafalgar gang.
KEITH FAUSIT that’s right Sam ,I was walking along the parade and she comes out and trips over her scooter, so I had to help her up.
SAM You saw an opertunity and you went for it is that right keith
KEITH FAUSIT I was in like FLINN.
MIGHTY WHITE You join me hear for the match between the TRAFALGAR GANG, and CONSIGNIA of the post office and what a thrilling game thisis gong to be.
The posties are first out onto the pitch her at NEWTOWN recreation ground with MINJTY ROBINSON as captain.
Over on the side lines PONELOPE GARDNER is waiting with her youngest,
Another sunny day in newtown with high serus and light drizzal a minibus drives into the recreation ground and the burly men from the arndale centre disembark and walk over to the changing rooms the Trafalgar gang run oot of the toilet in there football clothes as a croud gathers expectantly
MIGHTY WHITE you join us at the recreation ground for a rematch with the security guards from the arndale centre and what a match it shall be. Last time the Trafalgar gang won 3-0 thanks to sam gardners pet alsation running on the pitch and fouling team captain JO MAZARATI who had to be carried off in a stretcher. The stretch armstrongs have a stronger side this time around with a midfield of Richard stilgo , takeing time off form his mop and bucket.
As the two teams line up it’s stringfellow shaw, takeing the kick off for the Trafalgar gang passing back to david gardner who flicks the ball to graham
OVER BY THE SIDE LINES
GILBEWRT RATCHET You don’t get oot for nought
GLORIA could be a goal
Ann fitzgerald is taking oringes oot of her satchel when Bernice summerfield walks up with her boyfriend MARK GHREENSTREET
MARK GREENSTREET SO IS BILLY BUNTERS OLD SATCHEL still working ANN
Bernice summerfield ya YOU SHGOULD SEE THE BOOK LIST THAT BOY HAD TO CARRY BACK BEFORE DECIMAL CURRAQNCY WAS INTRODUCED and the leather must be so dry from all that chaffing on his push bike.
CHRISTOPHER GRAINGER come on the blues,
The gang takes the first kick off and passe’s back to David. David runs up the left hand side past some posties and shoots into goal
SVP Consignia’a got everything shampoo to shower gel, deodorant and aftershave in one all over smell cos its new INSIGNIA and it’s all over town
PANELOPE GARDNER I’ll have to use extra persil automatic at this rate sports fans
MIGHTY WHITE And it’s a terrific goal for the trafaLGAR GANG in the first ten minutes of play
With the score at 1-0 JO MAZARATI takes the centre for the stretch armstrongs and fields it to his mid field who makes a run up the left side and scores.
MIGHTY WHITE how abvout that fans , an equaliser close to half time.
AT HALF TIME the Trafalgar gang are recovering when headmaster DENHAM arrives with SINTHIA.
DENHAM nice to see my pupils engaged in healthy sports during the summer break GILBERT RATCHET THAT’S RIGHT HEADMASTER
DENHAM AH RATCHET, what are they doing, my lora tells us she’s having a party all week in some blokes flat , do you know anything about it.
RATCHET I’ll ask STANLEY
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