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Ch 14 CRAPSTAN VILLAS by Jason Welch

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Ch 14 CRAPSTAN VILLAS by Jason Welch ch 14 CRAPSTAN VILLAS by Jason Welch In the early hours of the morning……….. CHESTERFIELD We can leave it to you then Kevin. KEVIN FORTESQUE Class dismissed for the evening, eye Benny BENNY its 5 o’clock in the morning mate, you got to go home. KEVIN FORTEQUE driver let me out here. CHESTERFIELD DON’T LET JEAN SEE YOU IN THAT STATE, or your in detention old son. BENNY and give young Stringfellow a bell and tell him WINKY’S is a great place for kids to grow up in. CHESTERFIELD AND YOUR BACK TO OUR mark this morning. BENNY he’s proper pussy whipped old bean, I go where I please. KEVIN FORTEQUE give me another WINKEY Pontefract cake. CHESTERFIELD After you get back from seeing those bankers in Dallas you’ll come back to us SAM Are you REPUBLICAN or DEMACRATE He get’s out of the cab at Milliways and waves goodbye to his chums as the cab speeds out of town. BACK IN THE CAB CHESTERFIELD He’s got the fences to complete around the main gate of school , before the start of term so don’t knacker him. AT BANKERS CORNER KEVIN IS AT THE CASH MACHINE WHEN a girl walks past. [ HI Mr Fortisque been out on the town have we ] KEVIN I only had a few ales young lady, how do these cash machines work. [ you put your card and your number in and you press a few buttons, you get your cash ,and the bankings free. ] THE ALPHA MALE COLLECTS HIS CARD AND TURNS TO HER. KEVIN . Hey I remember you, I taught you home economics didn’t I. [YES Sir ] KEVIN Gretchen isn’t it, yes, I still have some walls that have your chewing gum waiting for you to come back with a scraper. And the reunion is very soon ,so give me an email GRETCHEN I’ll do that, how is the old school KEVIN It’s fine thanks Gretchen, you still a hairdresser for TONY ANG GUY’S. GRETCHEN I gave that up yonks ago sir, I’m a manicure and personal trainer to newvue rich now. I’m engaged to ROJER CORWIN from IN ON THE TRAX now Kevin KEVIN FORTISQUE congratulation’s give me a card and I’ll ask my Jean if she want’s a manicure mum’s the word, I’ll see you He walks up the street tired but happy and gets to the roundabout and crosses the road. As he steps up a middle aged male walks up the steps of basement flat saying “ that was a lesson I wont forget “ KEVIN FORTISQUE Pardon me mate,a lesson. MINTY ROBINSON Yes mate an education, and I have to get to the sorting office for the early shift. KEVIN FORTISQUE Eduacation now that is my business my friend, I can teach about the three RRR’s MINTY ROBINSON You’ll get a brush up on your three RRR’s if you knock on that basement flat and no mistake. Kevin slips down the dangerous brick steps to the green door and press’s the buzzer. After a while a bleached and permed brunette answers with “ yes what will it be for you this morning. KEVIN FORTISQUE hello there madam” he sways and catches himself from falling over with the door frame “ I’m from the ministry of education and want to find out about these three RRR’s they told me about. POLLY yes you’ve had a night of it already haven’t you, now come in. She leads him through a hallway with fairy lights along the woodchip blinking and flashing with a matt black artexed cealing. They walk through a string of beads to a living room and through to the back saying a quick hello to launging females sitting on chezlauge and straight into the kitchen A large blond is at the kitchen sink washing dishes with a copy of COSMAPOLITAN propped up on the windowsill. POLLY You can leave the sink and have our man from the ministry love, I have to get ready for a romantic date with a businessman !! KEVIN FORTISQUE That’s right love it’s been a long night but I’m into education and started inspecting factories during the summer holidays, would you like a Pontefract cake, there from uncle Winkey himself don’t you know. POLLY You name dropper you, one of the important men of NEWTOWN. KEVIN FORTISQUE and I have to inspect your three RRR’s. THE BLOND DRIES HERE HANDS ON A TEA TOWEL. MARTA HARI how long have we got for this sketch anyway, yes alright it’s me, come this way, man from the ministry indeed. ANOTHER BRIGHT SUNNY MORNING IN NEWTOWN Gilbert ratchet has woken up early to have a look at his sons bicycle, and Stanley steps out of the side door shielding his eyes from the moon beams caught in the sunlight through the gap in fence. GILBERT , you need to oil the bearings in the pedals as it heavy going up gravel hill to school. STANLEY Well I would stay and get it done myself , though I’m packing for the weekend and staying with me mates at a flat. GILBERT Yes well for whence I agree with your mother, and want you out of trouble. what are these people like? STANLEY What Ruffus he’s well sound, got a job with the council and makes a packet on recycling. And he’s away at PREMIER INN having a remembrance day. GILBERT Very enlightening, you get off then and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, I’LL try and make this bicycle smother and faster. STANLEY Thanks dad I’ll say good bye to mother on my way out. GILBERT I’LL HAVE TO USE CLUTCH FLUID on these ball barrings, though Sir Walter Raleigh would approve ,. THE ALPHA MALE TURNS AROUND STANLEY [you are a barbarian, you know that dad , and I have to keep quiet over what I found out about at the cricket match with monks hill comprehensive last week] You’ll have to apologize to that foundation sports commentator dad, and I’m getting the mic taken out of me for that from me mates and that. And don’t forget I have to be quiet to mum and not tell her GILBERT Sorry son I’m seeing counselling t but the old urges come back sometimes. YOU’LL understand when your older Stanley. STANLEY nods his head and walks back into the house to say goodbye to mum. Gloria is in the living room at the writing bureau looking over her woman’s guild files, preparing for a meeting later on. Stanley walks in with [bye mum ,I’m off to a flat of ill repute for the weekend so I won’t be around for dinner and that] GLORIA Oh what a shame, I was hopping for your help and support with the protest rally against cuts in NHS spending and closing services at the DISTRICT HOSPITAL. Stanley NO CAN DO MUM, and the gang have planned this weekend since one of our friends decided to get engaged in style. GLORIA Oh really and who is this man, someone you rely on. STANLEY never mind , he’s a stand up guy and one of us GLORIA you go then have a nice time. LATER ON AT VERNON STREET Stringfellow wakes up , and throws on a flowery dressing gown, then pads out to the bathroom in his slippers. Over at the SUNRIPE boot camp in EQUIDOR, General ablutions and Sergeant Well beloved meet at the tea urn of the mess room,. GENERAL ABLUTIONS Now I want a clean bout Sargent, no hitting bellow the family juwels, alright. SARGENT WELLBELOVED just you watch it old son, or I won’t introduce you to Juicy Lucy when we get into town. GENERAL ABLUTIONS ALRIGHT SARGENT, THAT WILL BE ALL, AND go easy on these team from PERU, THEY HAVE JUST GOT OFF THE BUS. SARGENT WELLBELOVED We all have our cross to bear general, Back in NEWTOWN , ENGLAND Stringfellow bounds down the stairs and greets his father Christopher straightening his tie in the large hall mirror STRINGFELLOW SHAW Us young men must have our time to relax, it’s not all work work work, dad. CHRISTOPHER NEWTON my thoughts exactly son, but try and be ready for the game against the postmen on SUNDAY, that minty Robinson the postmaster , has been down the porthole bragging that he’s giving your boys a thorough lesson. ON HIS WAY OUT THE ALPHA MALE TURNS BACK TO HIS DAD, STRINGFELLOW SHAW We’ll beat the postmen for you dad,or it’s further relegation to the bottom of the league. CHRISTOPHER That’s the fighting spirit son, I’ll tell them down at the pub that your give them a match to remember. SALLY Opens the front door with two shopping bags and steps into the hallway. SALLY You should see the traffic in town centre this morning, the bus was stuck there. CHRISTOPHER Never mind, I’ll take the shopping and unpack it and you can put you feet up. STRINGFELLOW I can’t help I have to go, and I won’t be home this weekend so don’t cook me anything. SALLY More of that foundation business is it a dirty weekend I’ll be bound. STRINGFELLOW Good wholesome fun that you can read in the magazine. I must make the most of it I’m back at sixth form college in two weeks.
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