Invisible Man vs. Hawkman.

Flight vs. Invisibility? This question is only for you. Whichever you pick, you will be the only person in the world with that particular superpower. You can’t have both. Which do you choose? I started wondering about this a few years ago. I’d bring it up at parties. Dinners. Wedding receptions. It was more interesting to ask than where people worked or where they went to school, and clearly more fun to answer. Like a magic word, “Sha-zam!” Flight vs. Invisibilty would instantly change a night’s character, invoking passionate conversation and debate. But what surprised me more was how quickly everyone would choose. As though they’d been thinking about it for a long time. Everyone knew exactly which superpower they wanted and what they would do with it. Their plans weren’t always flashy or heroic. In fact, they almost never were.

Guy #2: I would imagine if it got around that I had the power of flight, um, and it was a rare type of thing, I mean, there would definitely be flight groupies... So there’s gonna be this, like, “Oh, yeah, I just slept with this flying dude!” You know, and people are gonna be like, “Score!”

______

The obsession with superheroses is one that has trancended generation after generation. Dating all the way back to antiquity, it is part of every human culture. But with superhero films dominating the box office and comic book sales on the rise, perhaps we are forgetting that the reasoning behind most superheroes was to display the power of the human. Like David against Golliath, the everyman was supposed to conquer the super-strong. This is an important part of out literary history because it teaches us to face our fears and stand up to the near impossible with courage and integrity. But today’s heroes have computer generated fights which often take us so far into the realm of fantasy that we can no longer identify with our hero. While other programs may have touched on this topic before, most have centered on “finding the superhero in all of us,” but this program proves that in a battle to the death, humans will win, every time... Superheroes vs. Humans featuring the selections:

Superheroes; This American Life by Ira Glass, Circle by Eddie Izzard Unbreakable by M. Night Shyamalan Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny by Lemon Demon Before they Were Kings 2 by Dave Chapelle Flags of Our Fathers by Paul Haggis Confessions of a Superhero by Matthew Ogens

Silence, miscreant! The program has begun! [Fix curl] ______Old Godzilla was hopping around Tokyo City like a big playground when suddenly Batman burst from the shade and hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade Godzilla got pissed and began to attack but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu when Aaron Carter came out of the blue and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal then they both got flattened by the Batmobile but before it could make it back to the Batcave Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave and took an AK47 out from under his hat and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat but he ran out of bullets and he ran away because Optimus Prime came to save the day ______Hey, you know what show I used to watch when I was little, though, was that old Batman tv show. I used to think that was so cool, man. But I was watching it the other day, and it hit me. KA-POW! Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. I mean, I would like to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood. [Batman bounds forward] “Robin!” “Yes, Batman?” “Didn’t we park the car right here?”

______Typically this is how it goes. People who turn invisible will sneak into the movies or onto airplanes, people who fly, stop taking the bus. Here’s one thing that pretty much no one says, “I would use my power to fight crime.” No one seems to care about crime. And I have to say that this drove me crazy a little bit. We are, after all, talking about super powers. Why not take down organized crime? Bring hope to the hopeless? Swear vengence on the underworld? If only a little bit.

I proposed a variety of sample scenarios along these lines such as, “How would you handle a mad genius taking over the Empire State Building?”

Girl #1: Well, the first thing that occurs to me is I would sneak up on them very low with a knife, and slice their achiles tondon. Uh, no! I somehow shove a sock in their mouth or something like that, and wrap some tape around so they can’t yell out. It might not be a sock... It might just be some napkins or something. I can’t keep all this stuff in my hand; I’d have to keep a big full of stuff with me... Knives... tape... Socks...

______I believe that comics are our last link to an anchient way of passing on history. The Egyptians drew on walls. Countries all over the world still pass on knowledge through pictorial forms. I believe comics are a form of history that someone somewhere felt or experienced. Then, of course, those experiences and that history got chewed up in the commercial machine, got jazzed up, made titilating, cartoon for the sale rack. This city has seen it’s share of disasters. I watched the aftermath of that plane crash. I watched the carnage of the fire. I watched the news, waiting to hear about a person put here to protect the rest of us. To guard us. I think you’re a REAL hero. Real life doesn’t fit into little boxes that were drawn for it.

______As Stan Lee once said, I always felt that if I had a superpower, there’s no way I would wear a costume. I’m a showoff. I would want everybody to know. I wouldn’t wear a mask and conceal my identity. And I wouldn’t want to look like an idiot in some costume.

(7:45) ______But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down: Darth Vader: I will have the penne all'arrabiata. Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray. Darth Vader: Do you know who I am? Canteen Worker: Do you know who I am? Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought. Canteen Worker: Well, you'll still need a tray. Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, for which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor. Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on. Darth Vader: Oh, I see the food is hot. I'm sorry. I did not realise. Ha ha ha ha … oh … tray for the … yes. I thought you were challenging me for the fight to the death. Canteen Worker: A fight to the death? This is canteen, I work here. Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. I am Lord Vader? Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader? Darth Vader, I'm Darth Vader. Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Lord Darth Sir Lord, Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham? The Death Star. I run the Death Star. Canteen Worker: What's the Death Star? Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! You're in the Death Star! I run this star! Canteen Worker: This is a star? Darth Vader: This is a fucking star! I run it! I'm your boss. Canteen Worker: You're Mr. Stevens? Darth Vader: No, I'm … who is Mr. Stevens? Canteen Worker: He's Head of Catering. Darth Vader: I'm not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill catering with a thought. Canteen Worker: Wha'? Darth Vader: I can kill you all! I can kill me with a thought! Just … fine, I'll get a tray, fuck it.Death by tray it shall be!

(10:25) ______Angels sang out in immaculate chorus down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris who deliver a kick which could shatter bones into the crotch of Indiana Jones who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne but Chuck saw through his clever disguise and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs

Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan all came out of no where lightning fast and they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass it was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw with civilians looking on total awe and the fight raged on for a century many lives were claimed, but eventually the champion stood, the rest saw their better: Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater ______I finally came to the conclusion that maybe [my father] was right. Maybe there’s no such thing as heroes. Maybe there are just people, like my dad. I finally came to understand why they were so uncomfortable being called heroes. Heores are something we create. Something we need. It is a way for us to understand something that is almost incomprehensible. How people could sacrifice so much for us.

______So who choses invisibility? And who chooses flight? They touch two different nerves. Speak to two very different primal desires, and unconscious fears.

Flight is the hero. Selfless and competent and unashamed. And invisibility the villian. Almost everyone I talked to called invisibility the “sneakier” power.

Guy #1: Flying is for people who want to let it all hang out. Invisibility is for fearful, crouching, masturbators.

Girl #1: One superpower is about something that is obvious, and the other is about something that is hidden. I think it indicates your level of shame. John: How do you mean? Girl #1: A person who chooses to fly has nothing to hide. A person who wants to be invisible wants, clearly, to hide themselves. John: Do you feel that you want to hide yourself? Girl #1: N--I want to, uh... I’d like to not... [Tisk} I’m not going to answer that question. [Shameful laughs]

In the end, it’s not a question of what kind of person flies and what kind of person fades. We all do both. Perhaps that’s why, when I put the choice to myself, I’m hopelessly, completely stuck. At the heart of this decision, the question I really don’t want to face, is this: Who do you want to be? The person you hope to be, or the person you fear you actually are? Don’t rush into it. Think it over. Which would you choose? ______Johnny the Homicidal Maniac Slapstick comics

(13:52)