CFA Student Wrecks Future Site for Tepper Quadrangle, Says It's
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KGB infiltrated by frightened Wean to become giant rat maze Drama student kicked out for actual KGB experiment wearing “the fugliest” sweater NEWS SCITECH PILLBOX thetartan.org @thetartan March 30, 2015 Volume 109, Issue 21 University students hold CFA student wrecks vigil outside PHI location future site for Tepper Quadrangle, says it’s art Anne-Sophie Kim/Photoshop Wizard, unlike Brent Heard ELEANOR JAMES No one will ever forget ers opened a ritual bottle Is definitely not a pseudonym the unique mixed drinks of Bacardi 151 which, after being thrown down on the everyone took a ceremonial Last Friday, students and bar. The jolly rancher was swig, was then used to light faculty gathered outside a saccharine mixture. The the Natty Lite-based votive the building that was previ- buttery nipple was a bliss- candles. Having undergone ously home to Panther Hol- ful ride to a joyous drunken the initial rituals, the shar- low Inn, fondly known as bender. And no one will ing of the drunk stories be- PHI (pronounced like the ever forget Friday two-dol- gan. Many shed tears. Greek letter, NOT P.H.I. as lar well drinks. No one has Having commemorated Pitt kids will tell you). PHI shown such love to Carn- the many beautiful she- played a vital role in the egie Mellon students since nanigans PHI provided, the Carnegie Mellon communi- the “Thank You, Bill” cups. grief-stricken crowd began ty. 21st birthday? Go to PHI. And don’t forget all the the sacrament of beer pong. Failed an exam? Go to PHI. Blue Moon pitcher deals. Having completed this last It’s Wednesday? Go to PHI. And Yuengling, all the rite, the congregation slow- PHI stood as a home away Yuengling. So. Cheap. ly made its way toward Wal- from home. A smoky, poorly The vigil began with a nut Street to drink their sor- cleaned home, yes — but solemn parade from the rows away. PHI was a place of refuge fence down Forbes Avenue. Anne-Sophie Kim/Silent but Deadly for the many stressed inhab- Once arriving at the lonely, Goodbye, PHI. We love ANNE-SOPHIE KIM is my mark. It belongs to me, business administration ma- itants of this university. dark storefront, mourn- you. Pacifist not Tepper.” jor Pat Calvin, the only stu- Jøpsën turned himself in dent who got sleep that night. In a daring new work, to University Police late Sat- “I need at least 16 hours Smoke rising from CFA signals senior art major C@rl Jøp- urday afternoon, but was re- of sleep each night, and this sën (formerly known as Carl leased on bail later that night. noise kept me up for a good Smith) burst through conven- Since the incident, Jøp- 15 minutes. I hate art.” election of a new “Pope Girl” tional art boundaries by blast- sën’s senior honors thesis ad- “This is art?” said first-year ing a pothole at the soon-to- viser, Lucifer Palm, has openly computer science major Kelly be Tepper Quadrangle. praised the work. Majora, before adding, “I have Jøpsën began to swing a gi- “This is an absolutely stun- no idea what art is.” ant wrecking ball bat around ning installation piece,” Palm In a press release, Jøpsën 3:20 a.m. early Saturday said. “It’s breathtaking. Tragi- wrote that he “hopes to blow morning, as reported by the cally beautiful. It is, quite lit- away people’s preconceived student body, who were all erally, a smash hit.” notions of truth.” still up studying at Club Hunt. Other students, however, This Friday, if Jøpsën is not “We all try to leave our have openly blasted Jøpsën’s in jail, there will be an open- marks on this world,” Jøpsën work with criticism. “This is ing reception open to the pub- said. “We own this world. This outrageous,” said sophomore lic. Food will be provided. FEATURE PHOTO Uber partners with Carnegie Mellon to create self-driving cars so students can do their homework while driving Brent Heard/(Quite Possibly the Worst Photoshopper in the World). Images courtesy of karolfranks, catholicism, skynoir, and hansel5569 via flickr JUSTIN MCGOWN Arts for promoting the mix- distribution of condoms. In The Market For ture of bodily fluids with Bishop Zubat of the Dio- Indulgences paint in pointillist portraits cese of Pittsburgh has already of ex-lovers and volunteer- declared himself offended, White smoke issued from ing at Planned Parenthood on and has demanded the im- the top of CFA earlier this weekends, will take the name mediate seizure and arrest of week to signal that the College of Dontchya Slutshamus IV Slutshamus IV. of Fine Arts Cardinals reached when she assumes power. “If the CMU PD won’t take consensus and elected a new The office of Pope Girl con- her out,” Zubat said, “I’ll send Pope Girl after weeks of de- fers status as the patron saint in the Swiss Guard. I can do liberation. Angelina Scarf-O, of artists, and responsibilities that. I am important. I matter. the now former-Bishopess of such as guiding the spiritual Don’t forget that I’m impor- Edison, New Jersey will as- ennui of campus and lighting tant.” sume the mantle of the most ritual bongs while reciting Representatives of the powerfully offensive religious Nietzcean chants. Her first Church of Fine Arts were position in the country. priority upon assuming office too intoxicated due to post- Scarf-O, who gained no- will likely be appointing a na- conclave festivities to make a toriety in the Church of Fine ked astronaut to oversee the statement. Courtesy of theolaphoto via Flickr A2 « thetartan.org/special The Tartan » March 30, 2015 FEATURE PHOTOS NEWS IN BRIEF Old analog clock outside Doherty University announces new Synergistic Crowdsourcing Hall replaced with digital clock Integrated Innovation Initiative President Suresh an- global center for combined nounced the official found- and collaborative innovative ing of the Carnegie Mellon processes, or ‘synnovation’ Synergistic Crowdsourcing for short.” Integrated Innovation Initia- The announcement of tive (SCIII) last Tuesday amid the $73 million endowment a magnificent shower of crim- for this center was met with son confetti and the rise of a slight groan and shrug by black and red balloons across most undergraduates, eye- the Cut. brow raises by graduate stu- “The S-C-Triple-I sets the dents, and questions as to foundation for what is to be a whether this meant there robust, thought-first venture would be more grant money into the future development available by faculty. of this university,” Suresh Current plans intend to said, casually brushing some house the initiative on cam- of the confetti off his left pus adjacent to the center shoulder. where the Simon Initiative is “With this new effort, our located. When asked, no one university can take strides could quite identify where toward being the hub of a that was. Spinning UC revolving door as fast as possible only pleasure in a terrible, awful, horrible human’s day Michael Macdonald, a pushing the door as fast as third-year undergraduate humanly possible and then mechanical engineering watching the faces of ter- student, confirmed for me- rified students as they at- dia sources last Friday that tempt to enter the building spinning the revolving door through what has become at the entrance to the Jared a rotating steel and glass L. Cohon University Center death trap brings a slight as fast as humanly possible smile to his face. is, in fact, the only action When asked to comment which brings him happiness on additional questions in what is otherwise an en- such as whether he found tirely joyless existence. it more satisfying to spin Macdonald reported the revolving door on the that he prefers to spin the left entrance of the build- door close to noon, when ing than the right, Macdon- the University Center re- ald refused to answer and ceives its largest concen- abruptly left the building. trated number of visitors, often stopping to buy their lunches. Compiled by He explained that by BRENT HEARD WEATHER Brent Heard/Future Voice of Our Generation, and lynnfriedman via Flickr After realizing that no students on campus possessed the ability to read an analog clock display, university administrators approved funding for a TUEsdAY WEDNEsdAY ThURsdAY digital replacement for the clock outside of Doherty Hall. The change was met with enthusiasm by students for both its aesthetics and functionality. High / Low High / Low High / Low Campus Crime & Incident Reports 32 / 29 96 / 84 666/ -666 Alumni Cited for Overage how awkward and weird this Defiant Trespass Insurance Fraud Drinking whole thing was, telling him March 27, 2014 March 29, 2015 to “just get a life, man.” March 23, 2015 Sophomore chemical engi- A student was arrested by Campus police were called neering student Angela Miller police for insurance fraud this to a party on Beeler Street Caffeine Amnesty was given a defiant trespass- week, after filing false theft and issued an overage drink- March 25, 2015 ing citation by police last Fri- reports and attempting to col- FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY ing citation to an alumnus day, when she refused to leave lect insurance payments on High / Low High / Low High / Low CMU EMS was summoned who was present. That man, the library at closing time. At them. It turns out that three 0 / -47.89 87664 / -459.67 451 / 372 to Mudge Hall last Wednes- Andrew Tillman, graduated odds with the posted library MacBook Pros, four iPhone day night to deliver aid to a with a degree in biological operation hours, Miller was 5s, and six gold bars were not, student suffering from caf- sciences two years ago, but found hiding between book- in fact, stolen from a Stever feine poisoning.