Moonie Blues

Members of the Unification Church, the Moonies, have been canvassing in the College area this week. Calling themselves the 'Collegiate Association for the Research of Principles' (CARP), followers of the cult were seen trying to recruit students outside the Mechanical Engineerig Building on Tuesday and Wednesday. They have now been banned from College premises by security. The Unification Church is an umbrella organisation funded by the Korean millionaire Sun Myung Moon, and operates under at least 60 different names throughout the world. The movement has been widely criticised for using brainwashing indoctrination techniques and exploiting young people. The headquarters of the Unification Church are at Lancaster Gate, Moonies outside Mech Eng on the other side of Hyde Park. CARP also has premises near they were a highly dangerous the insecurities of various Gower Street. organisation who professed to people to fill his own pockets. No other London College offer students a release from He added that they were very contacted by FELIX reported the drudgery of work, but in adept at brainwashing 3 3 seeing the Moonies in recent fact only brainwashed them. He techniques. years, although IC security warned that people who joined Mr Burgess had spoken with TJ A confirmed that they were the cult were separated from people who had attended sighted regularly in South their family, deprived of their meetings, and said that they Kensington at this time of year. belongings, and frequently A _ had received a severe ICU President Carl Burgess ended up 'psychologically psycholgical battering. 'It is in described the Moonies as 'bad damaged'. Mr Burgess said that our best interest to remove the news' when he spoke to FELIX the leader of the Moonies was a moonies from our property' he on Wednesday. He said that conman who was feeding on concluded. FELIX Move Latest

College administration have still to move the FELIX office might cause of mortality in developing not reached a final decision be an 'expensive usage of countries. over the plans to move the money which would be better To accommodate the new FELIX Office to the north side spent elsewhere'. Mr Smith is research program it will be AU of Beit Quad. FELIX Editor still investigating the cost of the necessary to expand the Hugh Southey, Business move. existing laboratory facilities. Manager J Martin Taylor and Oft A Professor Anderson, Head of Professor Anderson stressed Union President Carl Burgess the Biology Department, spoke the importance of this research had further discussions with to FELIX about the move on work, and added that it would A 1 College Secretary John Smith Wednesday. He said that he had be best to keep facilities last Friday. Mr Smith accepted applied to College for more together to avoid any need of the arguments against the space for Biology, but added duplication. He did not feel that move, as presented in the paper that how this space should be for Biology to takeover the submitted by Mr Southey two allocated was not directly his Lounge kitchen area instead of CS weeks ago. He was still concern. He said that his the FELIX office and Beit Hall concerned, however, that to use department was receiving TV Lounge would be very the kitchen area behind the external funding for research satisfactory. Professor Lounge to accommodate the into molecular parasitology and Anderson added that in his own space needs of the Biology specifically into developing new view the proposed move of the department, instead of moving diagnostic techniques and he FELIX office, would put the FELIX Office seemed like a Union in a vulnerable position. vaccines to help combat good deal for the Union. infectious diseases in the third Mr Burgess later confirmed world. He explained that these that Mr Smith had agreed that diseases are still the major

Free! Friday 31 January No 729 Steve, Bill Goodwin, Kotcheff, Chris Edwards, Richard Smith, Pete Nick Goddard, Nick Hobbis, Richard Ellis, Gardiner, Pete Wilson, Alan Rosemary Hosking, Kamala Rose, Chris Murray, Dave h [ d i t o 11 a Sen, John Burgess, Jane Kingston and Eugene i Spiegel, Chris Stapleton, Zhog. Nige Atkinson, Aaron Moonies of the College is to 'teach FELIX is published by the Editor for and on behalf of Imperial College Members of the Unfication and research at the highest Union Publications Board and is printed by Fourth Avenue, 4 Farnham Royal, Kennington, Telephone 735 6437 and the Imperial College a Church (Moonies) are level'. The teaching Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB, Telephone standing outside Mech Eng standards at the College 589 5111 (ext 3515) Editor Hugh Southey. Business Manager J Martin trying to get the names of are so low that College can Taylor Copyright FELIX 1986. ISSN 1040-0711 *5 students Don't get not claim to teach at 'the involved The people who highest level'. This has little you will come in contact to do with UGC funding. It with are sincere. They feel is the result of numerous they have something to old academics being too offer. Unfortunately the concerned with research to people who run the care about students. Unification Church seem Geoff Parsons Banana Split ways the most vital one of less sincere. They seem to FELIX would like to all. The prime reason for want to make a lot of congratulate Geoff Parsons concentration on the money persuading lonely for breaking the British Dear Hugh, external maintenance young people to give all high jump record. I'd just like to say I think repairs and redecorations their valuables away. They Rhino's Willies that Mr Seymour has, to of the Student Houses at do this by brainwashing As requested last term say the least, over-reacted Evelyn Gardens was to you. An IC Student who FELIX has an article on to the abuse he received prevent further had had contact with Rhino's willies. If you like it from the 'Bananas' deterioration of the Moonies wrote in FELIX or dislike it or even read it, bouncers. It may have crumbling fabric. The made him a bit unhappy at suggestion that external the time , but writing to all appearance is the priority the powers that be is going for expenditure is therefore a bit far. substantially inaccurate. In fact, I sympathise with May I also point out that the bouncer's sentiments in the observations made by that I, having met Mr Mike Stone are typical, Seymour six years ago, standard criticisms which I quickly came to the same am happy to counter from conclusion that they did. expenditure on Residence Nevertheless I agree that maintenance and he did not deserve to be improvements. In 1984/85, spat on, however much of a £436,000 was spent on nasty piece of work he Houses as against £159,000 really is. spent on the Halls. The Yours Sincerely, total spent on external Spock works was £130,000 (Houses-Evelyn Gardens) What's A and £35,000 (Halls - Southside). The remaining Hallworth sum was wholly expended on internal maintenance Dear Sir, and improvements. I am grateful to Mike Stone Concerning the problems for his critical report on with contractual labour, Student Houses at Evelyn there is little point in Send A Valentine's Mess age to the love of your life. Gardens (Ref. 24 January increasing College 'You no longer think for please come and tell what issue of FELIX). His supervision when we are yourself as your mind you think of it so that I remarks afford me the surrounded by so many becomes trapped and the know whether to include welcome opportunity of self-appointed Clerks of Moonies milk you dry'. similar articles in future. underlining the general Works who appear to be Moonies are not like Hare St Valentine's FELIX difficulties facing this office experts in just about every Khrisna who seem to most Remember to get those over the maintenance and trade in the building to be people to be harmless small ads in for Valentines improvement of College profession. It is little eccentrics. Contact with Day. Also send in your Residence Stock. wonder that the workmen Moonies can ruin your life. problems for our special The unavailability of themselves are so often Harrods Protest Valetines Day problems public funds, the dearth of confused and bemused or IC Union's protest outside page. competent contractors and should I say amused by it Harrod's last week was an Small Ads skilled tradesmen , the high all. amazing success. Members Anyone can submit small density usage of the I hope these few of the public using Harrods ads for free providing they accommodation coupled comments, hurriedly were made aware of the get them into the FELIX with the mis-use of written, will at least serve to problems facing student. Office before 1.30pm property and equipment by encourage Mr Stone to The protest also attracted Monday. the residents are the main speak to his Warden, read some press coverage. IC Back To Basics sources of the dilemma. An my reports on expenditure Union has a duty to Unfortunately the article on additional problem at and improvements and also organise more protests of page 9 entitled 'Back To Evelyn Gardens has been to follow the example of this kind. It is essential that Basics' appears to be a the absence of the FELIX and visit this office people are made aware of review. It is actually an Housekeeper through to find out more thoroughly the need for better funding opinion article by Chris illness which severely and fairly what constructive for universities. Murray. affected the on-site steps are being taken to Green Paper Credits communication, co- alleviate the concerns that Imperial College's response Thanks to Dave Jones, J ordination and supervisory clearly are so close to his to the Government's green Martin Taylor, Jim Clayden, qualities. Given that this list own heart. paper on further education Sarah Kirk, Sunny Bains, is only partial, the question Yours faithfully states that the primary aim Mark Cottle, Mark Hunter, of priorities is in some Peter Hallworth

FELIX 2 Friday 31 January differ. This is true. There is characteristic. This not only logical creation of civilised Faith a common thread running reaffirms an individual man. This is a stark through nearly all religions, belief, but provides a focus contrast to man being the which is:- and meeting place for the creation of God. With this knowledge I cannot believe Dear Sir, Don't kill, don't rape, community. Seeing the without worshipping a false I send my thanks to Mark don't steal etc. These are other people around you in God. In recognising the Alderton for co-ordinating ideals useful to maintaining church gives a sense of purpose of God as a pillar an excellent Features page a stable society and come belonging, particulary if a to support me in times of in last weeks FELIX. I more from man than from you recognise that the difficulty, the pillar should state now, however God as I think Mark church extends to millions crumbles. A placebo will that I am an atheist. Like Alderton recognises. So far of other people. A friend of not work if the patient 9 Andrew Pettman I was therefore, I should be mine enjoys going to mass knows he is eating chalk. I raised by my parents and happy as a pantheist. not only for spiritual can believe in God as the 3 school to be a christian, fulfilment, but also because However, Christianity and voice of my conscience but when, at thirteen I she gets to meet her in fact any religion does far (itself the result of my rejected my teachings I did friends and have a chat more than uphold the rules upbringing and hence not set about to refind God. afterwards. of society. For any society), but then I am only These then, are some of My faith was shaken by individual everyday life can believing in my own the benefits of being a becoming aware of the be difficult to handle. There strength of character, not christian. Above all they other religions to be found are times when everything an external, all pervasive, make you happy. So what throughout the world and goes wrong and you have all powerful being. history. Why follow no friends at hand to help. is the problem? Why am I Christianity when I have not It is then that God, as a an atheist? Christianity is Personally I think life even tried or thought about figurehead, provides the not designed to be would be happier with God, any of the rest? Obviously island of stability to keep questioned. Originally only but I cannot choose to this is because I was born you going, he is always the priests could read the believe. In the light of this I and raised in a christian there to look after you and holy teachings and they had to answer an important country and a baby is not love you. In a way this is an told the people what was question before writing this capable of freedom of extension of the way right and wrong, heretics letter. Is it morally right to choice. So now that I can religion is used to explain were silenced. Even now try and spread atheism? choose shouldn't I search the inexplicable. The world there is the mysticism of This is not my intention. for and follow the 'best' is a complex and possibly experiencing God, an event However if I do not voice religion. The christian hostile place, but it all which we are told cannot my ideas, they could not be would say that it does not becomes quite acceptable be described but which you questioned and criticised, matter, that all religions if a benign god is there to will know when you've had and so would stagnate. believe in the same God make sure you don't come it. So today, in trying to What I do think is and that it is only in the to harm. analyse God, he appears important is that you do practise of worship and consistent in himself. not just ignore God, A regular place of specific beliefs that they However in analysing the whether he exists or not. worship is also evolution of religion from Yours (faithfully?) the worship of inanimate Andrew M Dunn Paranoia? Propaganda? objects, God appears a Physics 2

Dear Esteemed Comrade Dear FELIX Editor, Southey, It's not that I'm paranoid I write in disgust at the but there are men in state of our decadent It's Free! orange jackets carrying imperialist radio station. brushes following me I strongly believe that the about. ideologically sound body It appears that during last that was IC Radio is being term the Physics Blackett taken over by scheming, laboratory was quietly capitalist colonialists, lackeys invaded by RBK and C of insidious Ronald TRAVEL road sweepers. There was a MacDonald worshipping time when students would rotters from America. The arrive each morning to station plays nothing but check the letter rack, drink decadent, boring and coffee and generally morally corrupting, so- socialise. Nowadays they called 'middle-of-the-road' nervously tiptoe about, filth such as R.E.O „* Ft *" t leered at by hoardes of Speedwagon. And as for roadsweepers-smoking the presenters, they are either cheeseburger eating coughing their guts up and M pondering on the finer cousins of emperor Reagan points of 'shovellin' dirt'. or wimpering stooges of Nobody ever objected to the bourgoise like Mr So- z an occasional outsider called 'Automatic Barrier' coming in for a quick cup whose show is a carefully calculated blow to our free 0 of coffee and the use of the and democratic cultural toilets. However, I believe development. If matters do ml the situation is getting out not improve rapidly (ie of hand now that the more of that wonderfully Physics building has progressive and become a regular meeting SIP revolutionary group TheWortdbeaters place. The sight of up to 'Hawkwind') I shall be nine or ten roadsweepers is forced to listen to the more not something I or many culturally sound but other students wish to be distinctly less funky radio ULU Travel, Imperial College, greeted by each morning.I Tirane. Sherfield Building, urge College Security to rectify this situation Yours sincerely Prince Consort Road, SIR immediately. Eugene Zhog London SW7. O Smith (Albanian Mountain cycling Tel: 01-581 8882 Physics 3 champion 1962) TheWorldbeaters

FELIX Friday 31 January 3 Academic Slow Affairs Response

Liverpool University Guild (the students' union) are Professor Blow of the still awaiting a definite Physics Department will be reaction from NUS to their the special guest at an refusal to pay their Academic Affairs open affiliation fees. They have meeting next Wednesday. collected over 2000 As chairman of the newly signatures supporting their formed Undergraduate action. Mr Andy Wilkinson, Studies Committee, he is the Deputy President of the closely involved in the Guild, spoke to the NUS College's current review of Regional Convenor on teaching methods. Wednesday last week. He 'The meeting should be a later told FELIX that he was valuable opportunity for expecting to receive a final student representatives invoice and felt there was a from all departments to find possibility that Liverpool's out what this important delegates might be refused new committee is up to, admission to the next NUS and to put forward ther conference in April. Mr own views', said the event's Wilkinson thought the organiser, IC Union decision to withhold half Academic Affairs Officer J their fees may become an Martin Taylor. The meeting issue in the forthcoming will also consist of a election for union training exercise for sabbaticals. Eight Of The Best Student Reps and a general discussion on academic affairs and the Union's IC Rector Eric Ash launched boat club's new eight on work in this field. Mr Taylor SWAPO Friday. The boat, surprisingly also called Eric Ash, has hopes the event will already won competitive races since its controversial become an annual one if Talks purchase at the start of the academic year. In a short this first attempt is a speech the Rector told a small audience that he had done success. Shapua Kaukungua, UK some sculling during his time as a student at Imperial. The meeting will be held representative of the South- Boat club qoach Bill Mason also announced plans to run in Civ Eng 201 from 1.45pm west African People's rowing courses for sixth formers in the summer vacation. until about 5pm, with Organisation (SWAPO) It is hoped that this will attract good rowers to the college Professor Blow being addressed an IC Anti- and help with the club's attempts to attract sponsorship. present for the first hour. Apartheid Society meeting All Academic Reps are in the UDH on Tuesday. particularly encouraged to It was in 1966 that the attend, although the United Nations terminated meeting will be open to any the South African mandate interested student. to govern Namibia, said Mr In On The Act Kaukungua, and this Students living in private officer, hoping that a 'fair decision was confirmed by accommodation under a rent' would be set below the International Court of licence may be able to get the £17 per week they had Justice in the Hague, which Facts And their rents reduced by up agreed to pay. Taking his declared the continued to 50% following a ruling cue from a House of Lords presence of South African by a Sheffield judge last judgement last year, Judge forces in Namibia illegal. Figures week. Pete Mardon, a law Cottan ruled in favour of He stressed the importance student at Sheffield the student's claim. of the Western support in University, argued that he Students living in London the continued occupation The Undergraduate Studies and his two flatmates enjoy who currently hold licences of his country, pointing out the protection of the Rent Committee is sending are encouraged to apply for that Britain obtains about Act even though a licence questionnaires to various a fair rent to be set at the half of its uranium from they signed with their groups in College as part Rent Office of their local Rio-Tinto Zinc's Rossirtg landlord seemed to strip of its review of teaching council. Further details are mine in Namibia. them of protection against methods. IC Union has available from Student excessive rents, unfair undertaken to survey Services, and legal advice eviction and bad housing students on its behalf to is available from Nucleus, conditions. The students telephone 373 4005. find out how much time Gossip applied to their local rent they spend doing academic A/ork, both timetabled and Observer diarist, Peter private study, and on social Hillmore, gave a talk for Applications are invited for activities. The WellSoc on Monday. Mr Hillmore spoke for half an questionnaires are being A PART TIME DRAUGHTSPERSON sent out to Academic Reps hour on the role of the for a pilot survey, and a gossip columnist, on general survey of all journalism and on the With either an engineering or cartographic qualification newspaper industry. students will be carried out and/or experience. The number of hours each week within the next few weeks. Regarding the morality of varies with demand and allows flexibility in the It is hoped the information the gossip column, he said execution of tasks. gained will enable student that only people in the workloads to be moderated public eye should be since some departments mentioned and ended with Contact Mr R W Loveday, Departmental are felt to overwork their the phrase 'never shoot a Superintendent, Department of Civil Engineering, pigmy with a howitzer'. students. either by letter or on Ext 4749.

4 Friday 31 January FELIX life time. A 2,000 foot confirmed then you've got Valentine's Day Message parachute jump under to raise a minimum of £125 or Hit Squad with a expert supervision and it in pledged sponsorship to difference. Are you madly RAG won't cost you a penny! At make a first parachute in love with the brunette in the same time you'll be jump. You can choose the the third row of the lecture In Britain students raising money which will date of your jump so that it theatre? Are you too shy to traditionally help raise go towards the largest doesn't clash with other make your feelings known? money for charity. As well group of disabled people in events in your calender and Well we've got just the > as being great fun it also the country-those who are once you've completed the thing for you! For only £3 helps to create a better mentally handicapped. A basic training and made the you can have a special image for IC. Last year IC chance that you really jump jump you can claim your message and a box of Milk Rag raised just under at! (Excuse the pun). £60 bond back on handing Tray delivered to your £10,000 and it looks like What's the catch, I can hear your sponsor money in. loved one by a dashing, we're well on the way to you asking? Firstly you Don't miss the chance of a debonair, young beating this figure by the must obtain an application lifetime. Either come to enonymous parachuting- end of the academic year. form from a member of the today's Rag Committe skiier! (All because the lady Most students content Rag Committee. Then sign Meeting or see Jon Ingham loves Milk Tray) All profits themselves with supporting a declaration of fitness and before 7 February. go to Rag. one or two events in Rag obtain a doctor's certificate. RCS Rag Trip Please book this 'never to Week and forget about it (Sorry all of you sufferers RCSU are planning a Rag be repeated' offer with for the rest of the year but from epilipsy, diabetics Mag Selling tour in March Kathy in the IC Union as Rag Chairman, Jon (mellitus), pyschiatric (probably Friday 7 to office by Tuesday 11 Ingham, writes, there is still disorder, drug abuse and Monday 10 March) which February. lots more you can do for involves twenty people and Rag Fete Rag. about 5,000 Rag Mags This year the annual Rag travelling around Britian in Fete will be held on Rag Committee two vans. You need a great Saturday 26 April and will Since those lazy, hazy days selling technique and a be opened by Anne of Rag Week last term, the strong stomach. Likely Diamond-so make a note of Rag Committee have been universities to be subjected it in your diary. It's not too recouping their energies for to the onslaught are early to start thinking about the coming months. Behind Manchester, Leicester, this one and we will be the scenes, one of our Loughborough, especially happy to hear many enthusiastic first Nottingham, Bradford, from clubs, societies and years has been to the Salford , Aston, hall committees who wish National Rag Conference in Birmingham, Keele and to take part. Aberystwyth over Warwick. If you think you Rag Meeting can sell 250 mags in four Christmas and has come If you're interested in any days then all it will cost is back with loads of ideas for of the above events or in your food and missing 2 us to play with. So, to get schizophrenia but you're helping us to organise days in college. Don't be back into the swing of not acceptable). Then you much more-or you're a Soc put off by the idea that this things this year, the give £60 bond money plus Rep, then there's a meeting is just a 'hacks' tour. It following events have the application form to the of the Rag Committee won't be if you come along already be planned: Rag Chairman, Jon Ingham today at 12.30pm in the with a few friends. It's open Parachuting (The Rag Pigeonhole is in SCR, Union Building. to every student in College the IC Union Office in Beit Mencap are offering you but priority will go to RCSU Quadrangle). When your the opportunity to Members. Jon Ingham, Rag Chairman experience the thrill of a booking has been m

LOST Linstead and Disco, £35 a night for We do wish you weren't so Whoever borrowed my DRX-1 drum good sound and incredible record obsessed with sex and virginity 5mal pad from the lounge on Wednesday selections. Contact A Tamdsidi Aero Grant.. 22 Jan. Please return it to me. John 1 pidgeon holes. Paul's suit-HURRAH! Noble Chem Eng 2. Maria, I demand a blood test-Tony. OUT now! From the authoress of 'I Ads To whoever stole my brown leather We put Duracell batteries in Helen chipped my tooth and lived' and 'The wallet on 17 Jan from Lyon Plafair and ordinary zinc-carbon batteries in Gammy knee and how to love it' Library. I Don't care about the ANNOUNCEMENTS S other girls and Helen kept buzzing comes that controversial best-seller money, but please return the Australian Wine tasting-Tuesday longer! '1001 party conversations about my photograph that was in it-only copy 4th Feb 6.00pm SCR Beit. Come Mightly Mickey, huge Scrooge and Gammy knee' for your own along and taste some smashers from and of immense sentimental value. enormous Ebenezer-Brian Blessed?? autographed copy, contact Kath Down under. At an unbelievable Send to Surust Mahal Chem 2 Letter Racks-Please. Some people are so tedious, they Bonnick, Geology 2. bargain price of only £3.00 for affect ones bowel movements, but Happy Birthday, little Helen! members, non-members are very One parker fountain pen. Brushed your logorrhoea is quite the Ida meets the ham-coming soon. welcome at £4.00. metal cage and gap, gold nib. Lost opposite. The Papist has risen again and is Audiosoc: Return from the dead somewhere in Physics Dept. Contact going to CONTACT week. Alive and Kicking see diary. D Clements Physics 3. Graham Stewart Florence in the Feminist postgrad. Wanted to help Summer '84? I've lost you again. in hunt for shared squat or maybe SERVICING * REPAIRS PERSONAL Please get in contact (Alison as in flat. Phone Ann 6779. at Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...do Nicky, Carole and Tracey) C/0 Mike G'day cobbers if yer billabong is lemons..blah blah, blah, blah, . parched like a wombat's armpit, git Cooke Aero 3. If something small and yellow taps on down to a fair dinkum tasting of you on the ankle, bend down and RICKY'S Churchill suicides as India falls! Aussie jumbuck's sweat. Usual barn, hear it serenade you. Japanese megolomania as world's no vomiting £3.00 A$7.00. resistence collapses. Unbeaten Linstead challenge What is shaped like a small rugby GARAGE ball and whistles? The jacauncy for a leader of Evelyn Gardens Champs Bernard IPmrSOnsI sirrtce guar»nt—d ) nations is now filled-no more Sunley to football match. Contact M Problem: if you lie on the pavement application will be accepted. Phillips Linstead etc-83 or via curled up as small as possible, try to It QUHNS CAT! AACf MfWV Richard-stop folding up Caroline's Computitng letter racks. look bitter and purse your lips, what SOUTH KfMMGTON. knickers! OPSOC presents Princess IDA 18- do you look like? LONDON IW.7 22 February, Union Concert Hall. Picocon-a convention beyond your Stuart, we know what's in the dreams, beyond your imagination. T*I:0I-MI IM» parcel-the young! Picocon-coming soon to a Union FOR SALE Building near you. Picocon will life Hockey Stick (L). Good condition. ever be the same? Picocon-better ENDSLEIGH INSURANCE Contact LEH Doc 2 Pigeon holes. than an craneally administered slice Wooden B6 Clarinet Boosey and of lemon wrapped round a large gold SERVICES LIMITED Hawkes Edgware with case £110 brick. Picocon-more fun than ono, Roy Harrison EE1. buggering your gerbil-uses less sellotape too. 71 Old Bromplon Road South Kensington WANTED May the creator send camel shit London SW7 3JS Anyone with a synth can play it. and fleas upon the makers of the Telephone 01 -589 6783 Apply Dan Salmons, Physics 1. pipe flow experiment-Group 13.

FELIX Friday 31 January 5 but this could not (like the Fortunately for FELIX, IC Newsline story) be verified. students voted for someone Perhaps a nicer practical who had seen a typesetter joke was played on a before and who knew the personage by the dubious difference between a paste label of Alkey. With up board and a scalpel. It compliments of this friends, does amuse me, however to he opened the door to his think of Mr Banton fixing a room to find it had been folding machine, changing wallpapered with pictures camera chemicals, or even of the round wobbly things. working the FELIX editor's A passing innocent obligatory 70 hour week. bystander heard him ask Never in a month of (in astonishment rather Sundays dear, never in a than anger, we think), 'Who month of Sundays! was the tit who put tits on John Sharp has apparently my wall?' But it is known been letting things slip at that (in order to catch the Ah me, the bracing wind Unfortunately, Mssrs QT. On hearing about criminals, of course) he has and refreshing rain that this Rose and Wilson still did Adam Jeffries (QT decided not to destroy the January has brought are not feel that they were Chairman) being attacked evidence. beginning to lose their really fulfilled where by Stoic's Sarah Alsop with appeal, the enthusiasm with practical jokes were Also softened by a bottle of vegetable oil his which I approached the concerned so, to remedy womanly wiles, Mines VP girlfriend was heard to new term is beginning to this, they teamed up with Chris Griffin was seen remark that the slippery fade, and my grant is, to Tom (sweetness and light) slobbering over an older stuff was getting put it midly, dwindling. Melliar-Smith in upsetting woman last Friday night. everywhere. With a Nevertheless, other people Mr Carr. Claiming that they After meeting Kathy Tait's knowing look he said do not seem to have lost were from QMC and that mother at the party to simply 'Mmm, yes it does heart. Instead of they had abducted Salty celebarate Kathy and John dear, doesn't it,' We can oly apathetically accepting the Tom, they phoned the RCS Inghams's engagement, assume that the oil in dregs of the January blues office demanding Mary Chris was heard to whisper question was virgin olive oil some (true IC students all) (QMC's mascot) from Mr sweet-nothings in her ear. or else something was up. have decided to make a Carr. By bringing his Personally, I have always A snippet from student little excitement for services now. Mr Christian, themselves, by making warden of Hamlet Gardens, even more excitment for has pissed off one of his their (no doubt temporary) managers to such an extent friends. that the poor man has Rose, Wilson and Melliar- resorted to becoming sub- Smith seem to be the warden of Holbein House. names to watch if you want Of course it may just be to see some tomfoolery that he wanted a change... (yes, the pun was The 'sporty intended). Within two mathematician' mentioned weeks they have managed in last weeks column has to bamboozle ICU failed to recognise himself President Carl Burgess, while a Holbein resident RCS Transport Officer has redfacedly been Pascale Carr and IC Radio denying that he was the Station Manager Cwis culprit ever since FELIX Martin. was published. The real Pete (I want some Durex, 'droopy' was very and I want it now) Wilson sympathetic about the and Alan (you know I'm Simon Banton: Always the good loser! 'unknown' mathematician, right really) Rose managed, exclaiming that he had after hearing about a sweetheart (Jez) into the thought that the older found someone else who similar offer from the discussion however, they woman/ younger man had his problem. Such American Embassy, to managed to offend him relationship was a good innocence in a man is convince Mr Burgess that deeply and like any idea (as long as it doesn't rarely found. the Russian Cultual Attache gentlemen who has heard consist of my mother and Well, I'll have to say ta ta wanted a group of IC the honour of his truelove my boyfriend), but surely now as I have a pressing Students to turn up for an questioned, he sought to thirty years is a bit engagement (yes, it's the informal interrogation. punish those reponsible. excessive even for a sex- ironing again)...sorry about What's worse, with the Indeed, after a particularly starved IC Student! all the pun-ishment you've intelligence that made him unenjoyable (sober) Firkin An old 'friend' of FELIX received, I guess I was just president, Carl readily Run (yes, a Carr (ouch!) has reared his head in in the mood this week (for accepted this offer from the was driving) Pascale went college again. An puns, dear, for puns). mysterious Mr Dublyokin, into the Union Bar and unsuccessful candidate for not finding it strange that threatened the the FELIX editorship last he should receive two such aforementioned year (who was so well Anyway, lots of love kids: offers in the same day. Not perpetrators of this acquainted with the post he and remember..no one likes only that, but the cold war dastardly crime with GBH was standing for that he a smart ass. hotted up as accusations (and we are not talking had to ask a member of the flew from the Union Office beer). Undeterred, they FELIX staff.'How much that the Soviet Embassy proceeded to play the same work do you have to do for had bugged the Americans, trick on Mr Martin, one page?') was, while inviting IC only because convincing him this time the watching the Superbowl in they thought the Yanks Guilds Hon Sec Dave Page the Union Concert Hall on know something they had been kidnapped. After Sunday, helping an didn't. Luckily, an the usual thorough IC assortment of boorish international incident and Radio investigation, Cwis males to condemn FELIX Third World War were used this piece of as 'communist' avoided when some kind information as a news story propaganda. At the same soul explained to Carl that on Newsline. Rumour had it time, he proceeded to he had been (shock, that he turned up at the extoll the virtues of FELIX horror) deceived. appointed drop off point, as he would have edited it.

Friday 31 January FELIX Karate

Karate-Do is increasing muscle. Additional benefits in popularity throughout are fast reflexes and the the world. However with ability to move quickly. this increase in popularity, 'Kumite' is the art of certain misconceptions controlled free-fighting. about the principles of 'Basics' are the Karate have arisen. fundamental techniques, Most people if asked punches, kicks and blocks about karate, will think of which form the basics of the breaking of bricks and the sport. tiles, or of simple Progression and standard competitions where two in the sport is measured by people appear to attack the colour of the belt worn. Lasf Wednesday Mr Hazard visited IC to give instruction to each other savagely. Karate There are nine belts or IC Karate club. The training session saw Mr Hazard is none of these things in 'kyn' prior to Black Belt (1st running the class through some basic techniques, placing essence, and to practice it Dan). The changing of a strong emphasis on good control, technique and solely as a fighting belts is called 'grading', especially 'Kime'. technique loses the which is a formal When performing basic techniques the body should fundamental discipline and examination of an remain relaxed and tense only at the end of a movement, self-control that must play individuals ability. Ability is when contact is made. This tension is know as 'kime' or the predominant role. The measured by performance focus. training therefore in a predetermined Katu, Towards the end, the techniques were put together into encompasses etiquette and sequence of basic the spirit of humility, as techniques and fighting, combinations, with Dave Hazard demonstrating how fluid well as devlopment of the the exercises vary with the and easy the movements can be. To finish off, a truly fitness of both mind and 'Kyu' standard aimed for. spectacular display was produced by Dave and Caesar Andrews (3rd Dan), IC's regular instructor. Starting with body. The essence of IC Karate club has been karate techniques is 'Kime', static kicks and punches, both quick, free-sparing running successfully for ('Kumite'). This explosive aggression of their kicks and meaning an explosive several years; training on punches made you wonder if they were still friends! attack to an appropriate Monday, Wednesday and Dave Hazard commented that: 'IC Karate club is one of target, using maximum Saturday in Southside the better clubs I've seen, and has an excellent display of power, and originally Gym. comes from the Japanese discipline and attitude.' Caeser Andrew is a expression meaning to 'Kill Dave, 33, first achieved his Black Belt at the age of 20. permanent instructor for with one blow'. Due to Since then he has won many titles and medals as well as the Budokwai Judo/Karate obvious danger though gaining overall third place in the World Championships in club on the Fulham Road. competition rules make Japan (1977). He is now concentrating on teaching and This was the first club contact with an opponent sharing his experiences with his pupils not only in the UK, outside Japan to teach illegal. How can this be but all over the World; in places such as Germany, Judo. It was founded in reconciled? The target Holland and Turkey. 1918 and has produced a point is established in front selection of Olympic, of the opponents vital European and World points, and hence the Champions; for example, development of self control Union Bar Neil Adams and Brian of forms a fundamental Jacks. Caesar has recently February Guest Ale basis for Karate. been appointed instructor The history of Karate is a to Eton College; where a development from an art new Martial Arts centre has Adnams 74p/pint known as 'Tote', meaning been built. 'the hand', which was a The club regularly fighting technique participates in competition. Happy Hour developed in Japan In the National Student arouond 1429. The Championships, held at Japanese Empire covered Keele University, the club Tuesday 6-8pm many of the islands in the took 2nd and 3rd place in South China Sea at this the Mens Team Katu time Karate originated on competition. Wethereds 50p/pint the island of Okinawa. As Gradings are held at the no weapons were allowed end of each term, examined by Japanese overlords, the by a top instructor. He is Okinawans used 'open the chief Instructor for Thursday 6-8pm hand' techniques as a Shotokan in Great Britain method of self defence. and Europe, Mr K Enoeda There are many styles of (8 Dan); one of the highest Fosters 50p/pint Karate. The Shotokan style ranking Karetcha in the emphasizes 'power and world and one time speed'. Within the style champion of Japan. Silwood Valentine's Party there are three major The; club is fortunate aspects: 'Kata', 'Kumite' and enough to receive top class 'basics'. instruction and sponsorship Featuring The Millar Family' Katu are 'formal for its Karate activies. exercises' which consist of Presently arrangements are Starts at 8pm logical arrangements of being made for Geoff blocking and striking in Thompson, four times pre-set sequences. The World Champion, to visit Tickets from Gareth Fish 'Kata' promote physical the club. development of bone and and Life Sci Reps

FELIX Friday 31 January 7 D ||ecent issues of FELIX » fervour into adolescence Inspite of this blatant have devoted many column and beyond. It is not only sexism, IC radio continues inches to the 'Great Porn pathetic that fully grown to provide air time to this Debate'; their contents have men do not have pornography. Thus not only been tedious in accordingly developed subconciously we are being the extreme, but they have egos to be able to restrain indoctrinated and also missed the point. the ids, but this 'macho conditioned into believing Mine's Hon Porn Night is thing' is also very that it is perfectly not the central issue, it is fant. The attitude acceptable to molest cute, merely an epitomy of the valent in this society Is furry, little creatures. problem that is a sexist u lot dissimilar to that found The gross turpitude of institution. One only has to in Ernest Hemingway's music is not exclusively consider the sexist-macho adventure stories for big continued to modern day attitudes that are prevalent boys, which generally take artists, in fact, most of the in many of social and the form: heavy classics are genitally recreational clubs to 'Captain Berty 'Big Nob' orientated. For example, it appreciate how decadent, Bulldog pushed forward is rumoured that the in this respect, ImperiaJ has alone, machine gun orchestra and choir, both become blazing, he had no fear, his of who seem to be innocent In particular, ! would cite courage lay in his organizations, were the Guild's Motor Club of a enormous cock...It was 'coming in their pants' prime example of a club inevitable that he would during their renditions of which is penially die: his penis was so large the 'Carmina Burana'. It is orientated. It is certainly that the enemy could not not good enough to say not a coincidence that so- have missed. The captain that because it is written in called 'Supercars' have died knowing that he had Latin then the lyrics are long, sleek bonnets with taken out at least fifty of meaningless'. To sing nobbly bits attached on the swine with him.' about the rape of virgins in apparently for Literature is not the only a different manner makes it 'aerodynamic' reasons. art-form that has been more grotesque by turning Quite obviously, the affected by the scourge: it into some sort of fetish. designers of such machines Music is contaminated too. This example emphasizes have based them on their I refer principally to Heavy my concern that sexism is own sexual fantasies and I Metal: it is an insidious prevalent throughout the for one feel degraded form of music that relies whole college since it has whenever I am forced to very heavily on sexist penetrated even the drive one. The Motor Club attitudes. One could seemingly innocent is supporting this insulting dismiss the lyrics as societies.

'Literature is not the only art-form that has been affected by this scourge' Michelangelo's original cartoon for the roof of the Pristine Chapel, entitled 'You wanna sign Adam, How's this?'

symbolism and revels in the harmfully nauseating if they I could continue listing true meaning of the 'joys of contain themselves to their other clubs and their motoring'. Moreover, all pathetic fantasy imagery, activities, however, lack of sports societies have sado- however, they do not and space prevents me from masocistic overtones and are grossly objectionable. doing this. So, to conclude; motives—especially the Generally, they revolve these clubs will not change more 'physical' ones. around publicising the voluntarily, sexism will Another club which has singer's 'huge erect one' continue to flourish at IC caught my attention for and how he lays fifty when action is not taken. their flagrant sexism is the women a night. I quote the Boycott all social and Science Fiction Society. example: sporting societies and One can understand that I was a hobbit/ she was picket the Haldane Library little boys might experience an elf/she turned me on/ so until all offensive material some enjoyment from I abused myself/1 was a is removed from its shelves; zapping bug-eyed green hobbit/And my name's then perhaps we might monsters but one must Bilbo/She spread her have a meaningful and question the mentality of legs/And I rammed in a equitable social life for all those who extend this dildo. at Imperial.

Friday 31 January 1st-7th] 4) feb Just What Is You've CONTACT WEEK Been 41 Waiting IL 1986 For.... What is Contact Week? Why have those Christians gone to the trouble and Rhino's Willies...(And other expense of making badges, to someone they will never floor, Sherfield building). things) printing 2000 posters using meet again. The West London Catholic Last Sunday saw the climax a small mountain of blu- The hope is that as many Chaplaincy to the American football tack etc? The idea is to people will benefit as Their aim 'is to build a season with Superbowl 20. make CONTACT! With possible. As with anything, Catholic community for GREAT...go down the offy, Everybody! you only get out of the students'. Like the WLC spend your last pennies on With non-Christians to week what you put in-there they are open to anyone a few bottles of Special tell of something that is an open invitation to you who wants to take part Brew, sit yourself down in Christianity has to offer all. using the Catholic front of the telly and enjoy and to listen to criticism This week is organised spirituality and Tradition to the thrills and spills of 'The with other Christians to by The West London grow as people and in the Refrigerator' and the like. learn from other traditions Chaplaincy (Anglican). Love of God. Meetings Problem; its 8.30, and it and to grow together. The WLC represents the every Tuesday, Chemistry doesn't start till 9.30. Well To do this 20 people Anglican Tradition within 231 at 12.30 and on what's on now. Go for the from a large variety of College and caters for Sundays at More House, 53 every popular 4 button- backgrounds are living and anyone within the Anglican Cromwell Rd. what s this?-some bloke in working with students in or free Church Also involved in Contact a safari suit. 'Oh no-not College. They will provide a communities. They have week is University Christian another Natural History source to lead discussions discussion groups in most Outreach-an intercolliegate programme!' No in fact 'Pet and reflect on their own departments and have an interdenominational society Hates' in which some bloke experience to give help. informal service on Sunday set up to spread rants on about how sordid They will also be available Mornings at 10am in the Christianity. Evangelical and disgusting animals are. for people who wish to talk Consort Gallery (ground and friendly. Did you know that when you overfeed ducks, grab the bike taking the because they have so much least possible time, before time released from looking heading off on the second for their own food, all they and last stage of the race. do all day is copulate? It's Over taking people at this a big problem for the Biathlons And stage as I did make me feel female ducks to have good but can be a mistake twenty horny drakes after it you're over zealous about her-(a bit like IC women!) it. As it turned out all Did you know that when worked well and with my a male preying mantis gets Triathlons ego boosted to start with I all keyed up and climbs on came in 16th. Out of a field the female praying mantis, of about 250, the time on something in his head as yet unconfirmed 1 hour A little before Christmas a On arrival my hands forgets what to do? 40-50 minutes compared to friend (sadist) suggested to began to warm up which Solution-female bites his the winners 1 hour 20 me that I would like to meant extreme agony as I head off, and the rest of his minutes. He came in on his enter a race. 'What kind of had no gloves on on the body get on with it;-well own and 6 minutes ahead race' I tentively asked and way down. Luckily though I the bits that aren't being of his nearest rival. before I knew what I had found a sympathetic friend eaten do anyway! (Which rashly signed my body with a spare pair to hand Events like this together bit does she eat last??) away to the mercies of the that I could use during the with triathlons (swimming, Basically the program -irst Classic Biathlan'. race. cycling and running) like was about this bloke who Held from a school near I layed my bike down most sports are incredibly got incredibly pissed off New Maiden and consisting with the others, in the rows, rewarding, especially when about Natural History of a 5 mile run followed by together with the gear I you cross the finish line programmes fascination a 22 mile cycle, it was needed^o change into and collect your medal. with copulating animals. knackering. My exhaustion during the transition There is nothing quiet like Which leads me to the long not being helped by the period, leaving for the final the feeling of crossing that awaited bit about Rhino's lack of training (5-10 briefing 10 minutes before finish line after being such willies... minutes cycle to College the off. The run was an out a masochist to yourself Well the point is, they're and back each day of this and back route, along an over such a time and big, VERY, VERY BIG. term.) and the days A3 slip road, exactly course and it really is worth It's difficult to describe freezing early morning retracing the outward all the pain. So if you're the general dimensions temperatures. journey after the half way interested, whether without being disgusting, seriously committed or not Held last Sunday, the day mark. Because of this it but put it this way:- your contact me, Chris Stapleton started well by getting up was relatively easy to judge average female Rhino must via the FELIX office or the at 7.15am instead of a how far you had run and have receptive bits that run Aero 1 pigeon holes leaving proposed 6.00am so that I how much more effort you the full length of her body. a note if I'm not around of had to forsake my relaxed would afford to put into the You could stick your arm your name, year, course or breakfast and relaxed 10 run. up there no problem. Oh other means of contact mile cycle to the start for a this is sordid drivel-l'll Back at the school for together with an indication quick bowl of cereal and a never stretch it out to 400 the transition point, it was of your level of interest. quick 10 miles cycle. on with another tap and words.

10 Friday 31 January FELIX Where 0 stands for Mark Oram, of Chemistry Publicity officer and S for 1, explained to the devil Secretary, and the arrows that a truthful answer has a point from who has voted value of 1, a lie has a value mEsnBRflin for who.' of 0, the correct door has a In diagram 1 it is not value of 1, and the Tricky triangles Is it possible to divide up possible for anyone to get incorrect doors have a Consider an obtuse triangle any obtuse triangle into four votes since P can't be value of 0. He then asked (that is, one with an angle only acute triangles (ones voted for by C and T can't point to the door with the greater than 90%). with all angles less than vote for himself or M. This same value as your 90%)? If so. how? If not. leaves diagram 2. Here P truthfulness.' This question why not? £5 prize for a can't vote for C, and T can't shows the logic of the randomly picked correct vote for M. Thus the only problem excellently and entry. Comments and person who can receive demonstrates that such a cricisms welcome too, and four votes is O. The question is possible. It goes all by Tuesday lunchtime Publicity Officer wins the against the spirit of the please'. election. problem, since it involves preliminary definitions Doors and Devils which the devil might The problem two weeks ignore, but these could ago was to formulate a always be made part of the question to ask of a devil question. who may lie or tell the truth, so as to get the devil James Dyer, of Mech Eng to point at the correct door 1, and Neil Thornton, of It's confusing, man! to the Ordinary Member out of four to go through. Maths 3, entered very Last week's committee (M) and would be unable to One of the restrictions was similar questions along the meeting problem caused vote for him, thus that the devil was only lines of 'Indicate a door quite a lot of confusion. contradicting rule 2. allowed to indicate one you would tell me not to go Most people claimed that Similarly, they cannot sit door. Several answers through, if you were the there was no unique next to each other (which a involved the devil pointing opposite in truthfullness to solution or that there were lot of people thought) since to three, and I disqualified that which you are now' ties, casting votes etc. Well then one of them wold have these. The phrase 'opposite in those people were all to sit two places away from Many of my friends truthfulness' is open to wrong, the problem was the Treasurer (T) and rules claimed, at first glance, that interpretation, but the devil quite easy if you went 2 and 4 would contradict this problem was will be merciful in this case. about it the right way. I had each other. Thus they must 'impossible', but it really The randomly selected two correct solutions and sit with one person just becomes a problem in winner was Mark Oram, the winner of the £5 prize inbetween them. Following semantics. The question who now has to devise was Rachel Hill. Mech Eng the rules through, this must be phrased such that some cleverer questions to 1. leaves two possible arrangements. if the devil decides to tell locate who has his £5 prize What most people missed the truth it asks for the in the FELIX Office. was that if rule 2 is to be correct door, but if he lies The best question I could exactly adhered to, then it asks for the incorrect think up was 'if this the seating arrangement door so that his lie will question had been 'indicate must be such that the reveal the right door. The any door not to go through' Chairman (C) and only way to do this is to indicate any door you President (P) can vote for have a self-referential wouldn't have answered.' anybody except each other. question of some kind. This avoids references to Consider rule 5, the P and Rather than go into more the 'truthfulness' and the C cannot sit opposite each detail, I'll give the answers, devil has no choice but to other, since one of them which speak for indicate the correct door. would then have to sit next 1. themselves.

Cave Canoe torches. The sport was anticipated. 'First concussion following a originated in South Wales advantage' grinned Tony collison with a stalectite). Football by a pot-holing club from ^ Payton-the man Ten minutes later came This is the second least- Brian who were becoming responsible. After we half-time when I discovered known sport played in rather bored with simply arrived at the lakeside , a we were losing 3-2 our Britain' said the President crawling around in the couple of miner's lamps goals from Ian Pennington, of IC cave canoe football local caves. They founded were lit.' Only because who was trying to impress club (ICCCFC) when he the Brecon Seals, easily the you're a beginner' was the the ref a selector for the invited me to join them for biggest and most reason offered On my Welsh national squad). A a weekend's activities. dominating club in the first attempt I lasted five series of test matches is 'What's the least-known?' sport's short history. Our seconds in the highly due to be played against was the obvious question. destination that evening unstable BAT before I was the touring Canadians this 'Don't know.' He replied. was Swansea University, hauled from the freezing summer. 'Nobody appears to have home of the only other liquid by Ian Pennington The second half was less heard of it'. student's team. It appeared (President) and Andy successful. Ian scored that this weekend was to Mason (Transport Officer). So it was that early one another but Morris was see the very fast UAU Friday evening in January I After five dips I decided sent-off for dirty play (unofficial) CCF found myself squashed into to sit on the rock shelf and (smashing an opponents Championship final. As our a rather rundown Vauxhall leave it to the 'experts', head torch). Meanwhile cars parked on the Viva heading along the M4 whose minds are about as Swansea scored five times university campus we were towards South Wales. It stable as their canoes. giving a final score of 8-3. greeted by gales of was on this journey that I When Swansea arrived for IC were jubilant however, laughter from our picked up gist of the rules the match, bringing the they expected to lose by hosts/opponents. of this curious sport. referee (a Brecon Seal) I ten or twelve. The BATS Basically, two teams of BAT Canoes (it stands looked forward to some were acclaimed as a great five players carry canoes for Baths Advanced entertainment. Alas no. innovation (by Tony), and into a cave system to find a Trainers) are used by Just prior to the 'flick off Mark recovered in time to suitable underground lake people learning to canoe in somebody turned off all the organise the ritual ducking or pool. They then mark swimming pools. They are lights except those of Ian in the water. out goals and compete with only half the length of strapped to the heads of As we arrived back in each other tryng to propel 'normal' canoes and look the combatants (ref).Mike London I found myself a light plastic football extremely silly. I hadn't (Morris) Colclough, the IC considering the minds of through the goals using the noticed! substitue tried to fellow human beings. Some commentate for 20 mins blades of their paddles. Carrying the small and people can find excitement until he was forced to Light is provided by lightweight BATS was in the strangest of ways. replace Mark Turnbull (mild traditonal caving head- easier than I had ' It'll never catch on!....

FELIX Friday 31 January 11 Cycling Wellsoc SFSoc QT 10.00am last Sunday saw This week's Wellsoc meeting As Piconon 4 rapidly There was a great deal of 12 cyclists gathered at Beit sees Prof I Craft bringing us approaches, great wheels consternation at this week's 2 Arch in preparation for the up to date with the latest are turning. The local hyper QT meeting over the weekly Imperial College developments in the world of council have granted us a disappearance of our Cycling Club Sunday Run. In-vitro fertilisation (Test licence to serve H20 in all gorilla, Gerald. I would like Where were we going? Tube Babies to you and me). its forms to those attending to inform readers at this Nobody knew, so we just Prof Craft is a world pioneer the Con. An unconfirmed point that Gerald assumed that Martin, our in this field and will be source states that a colony represents no danger to the wonderous Captain, would exploring many of the highly ship has been on its way to general public, mainly due lead the way. The weather controversial aspects of IVF. this con for a considerable to the fact that he has been was perfect-well almost. Later in the term, more number of millenia. The dead for eight years. The sun shone brightly events to enliven your existence of the con was Gerald is eight feet tall, with no clouds in the sky, Monday evenings including revealed to the captain of covered in dense balck hair but it was a little cold. TV megastar, scientest and the ship via a time warp, and has a distinguishing However, by the time we aged author James Burke when the ship was still in birth mark on his left got to the A3, a favourite and Astronomer Prof Fred the Crab Nebula. kneecap. Cycling club venue, we had Hayle. For more details Due to increasing costs, The possibility that all warmed up and were wait with baited breath for any being with more than Gerald has been kidnapped starting to enjoy ourselves. the Wellsoc newsletter- three heads, or six eyes has not been ruled out. In fact QT 'sent a couple of So on along the A3-was distributed free to all (excluding compound eyes) the boys round' to visit it to be Guildford? members and also available will have to pay an college gangland boss Dorking? No-we turned off at Monday meetings. entrance fee for each head Harold 'Sideboards' a few miles before Finally, calling all 1st and or part of head thereafter. Mckenzie. Mr Mckenzie has Guildford and sped off 2nd year students. However, as the entrance had several previous towards Woking. By now, Elections for the new fee is at the bargain price convictions, including the traffic and carbon Wellsoc committee will take of £2.50 or 3.3 galactic 'Loitering with intent to buy monoxide normally place near the end of this credits (inflation) this grapefruit'. A self confessed associated with London term so if you want to should not present too fruitophile, sideboards has had given way to fields and become part of the new much of a problem. just been released from a trees-lots of beautiful dynamic, challenging, Picocon 4 is on February charge of 'making improper scenery. After Woking it enterprising H G Wells 15th. advances to an apricot was off to Cobham where Society Committee, see the For further up-dates on under the age of consent' we paused briefly to view a Chairman or Vice- Picocon 4 watch this four- Mr Mckenzie denied all cyclo-cross course, Chairman at Monday space! knowledge of the theft, and declining the invitations to meetings. proudly displayed the ride around the course. PS what's three inches unusually large and Then onto Chertsey, where long, yellow and whistles? ICMAC extremely rare 'Black a friendly little newsagents Canary' given to him by his shop was cleaned out of Aunt Agatha. The canary, Mars Bars and Coke in our Lesson 12: Le Flying which was munching a quest to refresh ourselves . Guilds Lesson banana and growling at the Soon we were off again- Instructeur: Bonjour et time, declined to comment. through Sunbury and Tonight is the 35th Welcome. Aujourd'hui on Kingston, arriving back Our major fear is that Engineers Dinner and va learner comment on flies home at about 2.00pm. somehow Gerald has un model aircraft, avec le Dance at the Park Lane penetrated the Royal Overall, the ride was radio control. Viola le Hotel. School of Mines building, enjoyed by all, and we all nouveau Fleet Transmitter The Ballroom will be where he will be completely now eagerly await news of aux quatre channels. filled to capacity with over indistinguishable from the where we are going next Learner: Ah oui-je vois. Et 370 members of college indiginous savages. Sunday-if anybody decides and guests. Our guests of si on pousse cette twiddley before we set off! In the honour are Professor E Ash stick ici? meantime, Wednesday sees CBE PhD DSc FCGI DIC F Instructeur: Ca c'est pour le us meeting at Beit Arch at ENG FRS Rector of the rudder. Le model aircraft Barn Dancing 2.00pm for a short College and his wife. The pitches et yaws. Pour afternoon ride. guest speaker is being kept tourner I'aircraft, on ne doit Although conceived, the a closely guarded secret by pas oublier un peu Barn Dancing Society is Dramsoc Hon Sec Dave Page so we d'elevator. still lacking material I normally try to do the will have to wait and see. Learneur: L'elevator? existence. Don't panic! The laundry every too or three Music for the eveing Instructeur: Oui-on doit Guilds Valentines Barn weeks; I find it more includes background piano pousser cette twiddley stick Dance is lined up and there convenient to wash accompaniment before la. are a limited number of everything after I've worn dinner, light jazz during the Learneur: Bon. Et qu'est tickets lurking in the Guilds the same pair of socks meal and raunchy dance que c'est, cette knob? Office and Roger Preece's twice, though occasionally band music as everyone Instructeur: C'est L'airelon pocket. When was such I have to use the same pair takes to the dance floor. et rudder couple-c'est pour value-for-money offered in three times. For those who really have tourner mieux. the 100 years of City and Washing by hand is got what it takes the party Learneur: ....et cette ratchet Guilds? A live band, bar something of a chore, but it continues back on home thing ici? extension, and oddments of is the only satisfactory ground with a disco into Instructeur: C'est pour le food will support the solution for washing the early hours. moteur. L'aircraft tourne et entertainment which will delicate clothing such as The dinner is formal so fait un plunge par terre, en essentially be created by woollens. For the majority dinner suits must be worn heurtant la terre avec un g- the dancers (ie you). And of us laundry time means and one main rule to force de 10g. Et puis the price? £2.00 peanuts another encounter with the observe ie no smoking, explodes. included. washing maching down the leaving the table or Learneur: Dommage. Je Event: The Valentines Barn road. removing of jackets until m'excuse. Dance. Washing machines are after the loyal toast. Diners Instructeur: Ce n'est rien. Venue: The Holland Ant. either top or front may order port during the Bon-je vais te voir a Date: 14th February loading, oh by the way meal to be used during the Southside,'a 1pm, Jeudi. (Surprise, surprise) there's an Acting Workshop toast. Learneur: D'accord. Au Time: 7.30pm on Wednesday at 2.30pm in We look forward to revoir. Tickets: From the Guilds Office. the Storeoom. seeing you there; Instructeur: Au revoir.

12 Friday 31 January FELIX second half but this never materialised due to a sound Football all round team effort with keeper Nick Tarn never VII St Thomas 1 IC 1sts 7 tested. IC completed the scoring late in the game Imperial's second game of when Dave Lynne held off Football this term showed the several challenges in difference in standards Wed 22 KQC 1sts IC creating an opening for between the top, and 0 1sts 4 IC 3rds 3 RFH 4 himself, shooting past the bottom, of the premier KQC 3rds 1 IC 4ths 1 stranded KQC keeper. division. With only ten men, Sat 25 and yet to win in the league IC ^nds 3 RFH 1 this season, St Thomas St Mary's ists 5 IC 3rds 0 looked to be an easy win Guys 2nds 1 IC 4ths 0 Cricket for a slightly weakened IC IC 5ths 0 KQC 6ths 2 team. However, it was 15 Hockey minutes before a twenty Wed 22 Mens The nets lists have gone up yard cross come shot from outside the JCR. They are Martin Bradley dipped IC Ists 1 London Hospital 0 LSE 3 Guilds in the glass cabinet next to under the cross bar, taking 0 RSM 2 KCH 3 all the STA flight news (end the lead for IC. QEC 2 RCS 5 nearest the bookshop). IC's second goal came Sat 25 Anyone wishing to play from a free kick taken by Mens cricket can sign up for not Guy Poppy and expertly NPL 1 IC 1sts 0 more than two sessions nodded past the St Thomas IC 2nds 0 NPL 7 between Tuesday 4/2 and keeper by Mike Houseby Mixed the end of term. The nets IC 1 RSM 0 on the near post. are at Lords from 8-9pm. .lugby Despite several attempts Wed 15 Whites and training shoes by the St Thomas defence Guilds 1sts 20 Met Police K Div 12 must be worn. to keep the ball out of their Wed 22 The cricket club net (including a hand ball, Guilds lata 7 Vets 1sts 17 entertainments present a Guilds 2nds 12 UCL conveniently ignored by the 4ths 8 social evening in the West Badminton ref) Mike Houseby scored End on Friday 7 February. his second and IC's third Saf 11 Mixed Meet in Southside between with a flick past the keeper IC 1sts 8 St Georges 1 5.30 and 7.30pm whence from one yard after a shot Wed 15 forth travel will be either by Dave Lynne bounced Mens tube or bus. The evening across the face of the goal. IC 3rds 7 Guys 2 will comprise of a visit to a It was this combination Sat 18 couple of local Hostelries that saw IC go 4-0 up just Mixed followed by exploring the before half time with Mike IC 2nds 6 St Georges 3 delights of Chinese Cuisine Houseby putting Dave 'go Wed 22 and other local Mens for goal' Lynne through entertainment. All cricket IC 1sts 9 St Georges 0 and Dave pushing the ball Sat 25 players, club members are past the advancing keeper. Mens Knockout Cup welcome. You should all The second half saw IC 1sts 6 RHBNC 5 have received a note to the more attempts at the St above effect from Roger Thomas goal, including a Wilson, club captain. In 25 yard curler from Alex KQC 1sts 0 IC 1sts 4 the stranded keeper. case of difficulty he can be Lunghi which hit the post, IC continued to put contacted on Int 6289. rebounded back into play, IC's impressive form pressure on the KQC leaving IC flat footed as St continued when they won defence with the keeper Thomas ran past the bored their fourth consecutive performing heroics to keep IC defence and slotting the league game. In conditions the score at 1-0. IC did Guilds ball in the back of the net. not conducive to good increase their lead when IC were quick to retaliate, football with a strong Guy Poppy shrugged off Rugby and were awarded a crossfield wind blowing IC several challenges before penalty after Guy Poppy were the first to settle drilling the ball home from These will be held at was brought down after a playing some delightful one 18 yards. The third came Harlington on Sunday 9 thirty yard run. Mike and two touch football. IC's when Paul Bravery February. Teams of 7 plus Houseby showed the first first came when Alex intercepted a back pass 1 are required of which team how to take penalties Lunghi's free kick was shooting past the only one player may be a and scored convincingly played to Paul Bravery advancing keeper. non-Guildsman. When you from the spot to put IC 5-1 whose mis-hit shot from 10 IC expected KQC to have a team together up. yards was deflected past come strongly in the please can you sign up in IC's sixth goal came from the Guilds office. If you are a penetrating pass from Wednesday Results short of the odd player Guy Poppy to Mike please just let me know and Houseby (again in the six I will try and find the extra. yard area) who couldn't This event is meant to be miss from that close! Football fun and the standard varies IC's seventh and Mike IC 1sts enormously so do not be St Thomas's 1sts 1 Houseby's 5th was IC 2nds afraid that everyone will be Mines 1sts 3 excellently taken by Mike IC 4ths Another College 2 too good, they generally as he chipped the keeper Rugby aren't. Only the odd one or RSM 1sts RFH from 18 yards after a 10 two. searching pass from Chris RSM 2nds RFH Hockey 22 Engberg. There will be prizes for IC 1sts the winners. The bar will be Altogether a good Kings 1sts 1 Badminton open at Harlington and performance from IC IC Ladies have reached the UAU semi-finals after Swansea food will also be available. especially Mike Houseby conceeded their quater final against IC. This puts IC in the semi Coaches will leave from (need we mention him final on 22nd February at York University. Beit at 11 o-clock so come again?) and Martin Barnes on and get your team in midfield. together.

FELIX Friday 31 January 13 1900h Regular Event SOUTHSIDE BAR Sherfield Quiet Room Changes The Cornflake Shop All welcome to listen to music at Additions Fri 31st Jan its best. Xerxes, Linn, Nairn.... Sunday Admission free. DISCO 1000h Beit Arch Cycling Club Weekly Run Sat 1st Feb

Tuesday 4th Birthday Party 1845h DISCO Bitter from 50p/pint Mech Eng Foyer 2130h Cricket Nets Whites and Lager from 50p/pint training shoes required. Plus food and videos The Lounge The Igloo Club: ICE present Fancy dress optional the reincarnation party—melt imwm down 1245h Mon 3rd Feb JCR Chinese Chess Wei-Qi and CASTLEMAINE Xiang-Qi also known as Goh in Japanese. Beginners XXXX 1800h welcome. 50p/pint More House, 53 Cromwell Thursday Road Mass and talk. This week 1230h Deletions Delia Smith talks about Southside Upper Lounge Thursday 'Prayer In Our Daily Lives'. Cycling Club Meeting to decide where to go on Chinese Chess's Thursday All Day Sunday. lunchtime meeting. Trip to Nairn Audio Come to Audio Soc meeting 1240h Tuesday lunchtime or evening for details. Elec Eng 403A Contact Week Alternative Energy Policy a talk by Dave Elliott of Open 1300h IMPERIAL COLLEGE University Network For Huxley 213 Lunchtime events during Contact Week at Imperial Alternative Technology and Bishop Of Durham Rt Rev College take the form of WORKSHOPS on a number of Technology Assesment, all David Jenkins comes to IC to different themes. The workshops each last for two welcome. talk. Go and listen to one of lunchtimes. Britain's most controversial Workshops run on Monday/Tuesday ( 3rd and 4th Feb) churchmen. and Thursday/Friday (6th and 7th). 1400h The workshops each run twice, once at the beginning of the week and once at the end, so you'll be able to go to Beit Arch any two workshops of your choice, in any order. Lunch 1300h Cycling Club short afternoon will be provided at a nomical charge at all workshops. ride TV Lounges The workshop titles and nominal themes are:- STOIC The wit and humour 1430h 'How to win friends and'-Personal Relationships (Physics of Dame Edna Everage in a 737) special guest interview Storeroom 'All I want to know is Christ' (Chem Eng 252) Dramsoc Workshop 'God so loved the world'-Being a Christian in the world. Maths 340 (Huxley 410) Nonlinear Optics a MOPSOC 1900h lecture by Prof Geoff New. 'All Scripture is given'-How do we study the Bible? Graffitti Room (Huxley 413) 1800h Graffitti Demo of T-shirt 'Living from within: Prayer and meditation'. (Aero Eng printing E452) TV Lounges 'Being a Christian in the local community.' (Huxley 540) STOIC The wit and humour 'Who is my neighbour?' (Huxley 642) of Dame Edna Everage in a special guest interview On Wednesday at More House Peace Group at 8pm with Fr Tom Cullinan. Union SCR Australian Wines The 1300h 'appliance of science' helps TV Lounges Sunday Services; make these wines from down STOIC Newsbreak with the Anglican/Methodist Eucharist under so good. Try them for latest College and City news 10am Ground Floor Sherfield Building Imperial College. yourself. Admission £3 for and special features. RC Mass members and £4 for non- 6pm at More House, 53 Cromwell Road SW7 members. 1800h TV Lounges Sat 1st Opening Service Rev Tom Smail, 7.30pm Imperial STOIC Newsbreak with the College Physics 8th Floor Comnrfon room (or More House at latest College and City news 7pm) and special features. Sun 2nd Delia Smith 7.45pm at More House Tues 4th Prof John Marshall (a Member of the Warnock 1900h Committee) Speaking on the Ethics of the Warnock Report 6pm SCR Reynolds Building Charing Cross and Westminster 999KHz Medical School (or meet at More House at 5pm) IC Roundtable with Cathy Tait, Judith Hackney and Wed 5th Rt Rev David Jenkins (the Bishop of Durham) Andy Cave complain about Imperial College, Huxley room 213 at 1pm (or meet at More this week's latest releases. House at 12.40) Fri 7th Closing Service and party at More House at 7pm

14 Friday 31 January FELIX Remember Morph, the i psychotic plasticene bloke with a pet clothesbrush? Well he's alive and well, ST and suffering a nervous 01 breakdown at this moment. He seems to have poured out his entire life story to Ken Kiff who then converted it into a series of paintings on show at the Serpentine Gallery just Ol across the road. In fact that was all lies, but it gives you an idea of what to expect. Ken Kiff's nightmare people flood across his paintings, defecating and melting. In a sort of visual O'Casey play, the men are portrayed as warped and twisted while the women are given a rather kinder image, if a little purple around the edges. If you're bored with the usual old galleries, fed up Some people's idea of the tubes claiming they give a With falling gates, most with re-runs of old Francis word 'alternative' is to play fruitier sound—in much the football clubs would give a Bacon polytychs at the Scrabble with Chamber's same way. Both gigs start squad's worth of arms and Tate, tired of endless 20th Century Dictionary. at 7:30pm and cost just legs for Cabinet Ministers scenes of Dutch people These inhabitants of the three quid a time. The Bull to resign over which ice-skating everywhere at edge of existence & Gate itself can be found foreign consortium of the National, and generally occasionally score 20 with in Kentish Town Road, just Sardine Trifle sick to death of paying two the obscure word Kea'; 50 yards up the road from manufacturers buys them quid just to get totally lost according to Chamber's, "a Kentish Town tube. out—it might even start a in the Royal Academy- species of New Zealand "Old hippies never die, new game by the name of then it might be an idea to parrot which sometimes they just go on tour," is headball. Chelsea, itself, try the galleries dotted kills sheep"—not always, one of the quotes from the has undergone something around the Green Park just sometimes. This is just Face Companion To Things of a resurgence in form (or area. For some reason as well, since a plague of Paul Morley Never Said But should that read just private art galleries seem to blood-crazed, myopic Might Have Given Half A surgence?). Unfortunately breed around here—it may avians picking off anyone Chance, published this the gates have not quite not be long before the area in a C&A sweater with week. Coincidentally it also reflected this. Perhaps it is is overrun by hordes of reckless abandon would describes the band Haze, just the possibility of marauding art dealers not be expected to boost made infamous by their having a bicycle chain mowing down IBM salemen the Antipodean tourist 1 mole fetish , who are become a new item of in their Porsches. industry—not to mention playing the Ruskin Arms in personal jewellery, or the Here's a list of some of putting a dent in C&A's East Ham on Sunday at endless stops in the play the more representative share prices. But as it 8:30pm. The gig is entirely that make football not the venues: could be regarded as being free. most enticing of spectator a welcome fate for 90% of Not a million miles away events; being somewhere Anne Berthoud their jerseys it could catch is the Mean Fiddler near between a bit part in 1st floor, 10 Clifford St. on as a new concept in Willesden Junction (alright, Deathwish III and watching biological control. As long so it's on the other side of the tide come in at Anthony d'Offay as Terence Conran doesn't London, but it's not a Maidenhead. 9 Dering St. start buying large chunks million miles unless Mark Fear not. Hugh assures of Australasia you're safe. Thatcher happens to be me that Saturday's game Marlborough Such admirable taste in driving). Programmed by against Leicester will be 6 Albermale St. clothing is probably Mike Stock and Pete 'shit hot'. I feel I can't displayed by the legendary Waterman, and let loose in comment on the Nigel Greenwood Half Man, Half Biscuit' a sequined Big-Bin thermodynamic properties 4 New Burlington St. (well they don't like Nerys liner—Divine rolls in for a of excrement—perhaps Hughes anyway) as they more against the wall than those people around Waddington describe life 'Back In The off it performance. It costs college who keep on eating 2,4 & 34 Cork St. DHSS' at the Bull & Gate in a blue one, starts at nine the stuff can tell you. All I Kentish Town on Tuesday and doesn't finish until two. can do is recommend you Nicola Jacobs (9 Cork and Wednesday. They were to go down and watch the St) is also showing works described by John Peel as match: It starts at 3:00pm, by Ken Kiff, this time "the best thing since Viv and can be found on the illustrations for the 1977 Stanshall wrote for the Fulham Road just past St book 'Folk Tales of the Bonzo Dog Band." Stephen's Hospital. British Isles'. However he also described 'Los Butto Banditos — the 1 See the Sun story notorious gay Bolivian Leather Bondage Romp Country & Western Salsa With Sex-Change Vicar In band, who swapped nose Cabinet Minister And Nude flutes for tracheostomy Mole Scandal

FELIX Friday 31 January 15 Alternative Fabulous 'Much More Green Fare Paper Holders of the Young Generous' Persons Railcard will be Britain is much more 1982 at the latest. The Comittee of Vice- able to get up to 80% generous' to its students NUS Vice-President Chancellors and Principals discounts on 'Saver' fares than other developed Welfare, Vicky Phillips, and the Committee of as from tomorrow. British countries, Sir Keith Joseph agreed that in many ways Directors of Polytechnics Rail have introduced an told MPs last week. the British system was have produced formal offer designed to increase In response to growing relatively generous, but responses to the business in a traditionally anger at the announced 2% made the point that 'This is Government's Green Paper slack period. rise in grants for 1986/87 something to be proud of on higher education, Under the 'Fabulous and the threatened loss of rather than an excuse to go expressing deep opposition February Fare' offer, 'Saver' welfare benefits, he quoted round chopping bits off it.' to the document. Both tickets which usually cost committees claim that the figures produced by Leaders of the NUS have up to £20 will be available Green Paper takes no UNESCO, comparing for the first time been at £4, those up to £40 will account whatsoever of the amounts given out by granted a meeting with a be reduced to £8 and any needs of the nation in the seven countries as grants minister from the over £40 will cost £12. Low next fifteen years. or loans for student Department of Health and price tickets will be on sale support. The statistics Social Security, Mr Tony The Vice Chancellors' every day in February, show that Britian pays Newton, to discuss the lack 'alternative' green paper except between 1200 and significantly more (£1367 of benefits. Previous talks contains a wide range of 2000 on Fridays. per full-time student) than had been with ministers of grievances, from the From Sunday, BR is also any other country on the the Department of Government's 'blinkered reducing the charge for list, ranging from Holland Education and Science, view' and failure to realise carriage reservations on (£281) and the USA (£104) and had been restricted to the scale of the problems intercity 125 trains to £3, to practically no money the issue of grants being faced,to the difficulty and making more 125's handed out by the regulations. The NUS has of running autonomous available with this facility. Japanese government for planned protests against universities while Extra benefits are promised student support. Also what it sees as Government ministerial and in May. mentioned was the policy changes which have departmental intervention percentage of GNP spent not been fully debated, and increases. The paper points on student support.This warned that parents of out that if funding is cut varied from 0.25% (Britain) present and prospective below a certain level the to 0% (Japan). These students are being quality of the universities' Violence figures, however, date from antagonised. work will decline. It also criticises the Government's judgement on many issues, Free for example the raising of fees for foreign students. The National Anti- Another item of concern Vivisection Society has was the low salary level in launched a 'Violence Free universities which leads to What Future Science' campaign. The problems of staffing and campaign aims to secure morale. The paper defends for students the right to students' behaviour and choose whether they rights, against adverse comments in the Green participate in dissection Paper. and vivisection. The campaign's organiser, Lorraine Walker, explained that many students were worried about the experiments they were Back To being forced to perform. At present many students are penalised if they refuse to The Top take part in experiments on live animals.

The CBI is running a Record competition to find '21 What future can there be grants over the last six years twenty-one year olds with a for a country which won't and attacked the strong point of view on Jump invest in tomorrow?' was Governments' proposals to how to put the UK back on High Jumper Geoff Parsons the question asked of over prevent students from track to the top'. broke the UK outdoor 5000 Harrods shoppers claiming certain benefits. It People who will be 21 record by 4cm last who were given leaflets by was stressed that money this year are being asked to Saturday when he cleared IC demonst; ators last spent on higher education write 1000 words about the 2.30 metres in the Pearl Friday. Around 30 students, is an investment, essential direction British industry Assurance National Indoor including ICU Deputy for the country's future should be going in. 21 Championships at Cosford. President Dave Kingston, prosperity. regional winners will be Mr Parsons, a second year attended the lunchtime Mr Manuel later selected and each will student in Mineral protest, which was described the receive £500. An overall Resources Engineering, organised by External demonstration as a 'general winner will then be selected went on to attempt a world Affairs Officer Grenville success', adding that it had who will win £5000. Entry record of 2.40 metres and Manuel. forms are available from been very good humoured only narrowly failed to any branch of Lloyd's The leaflets cited the cuts and that there had been no clear the bar at this height. in lecturers pay and student trouble from the police. Bank.

Friday 31 January FELIX 16