TV THREE-CAMERA FORMAT
“The Trophy Wife”
Written by
Ladyclare Padua
Ladyclare Padua [email protected] “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 1.
TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. IMPROV STAGE – NIGHT (Jerry Seinfeld)
JERRY IS ON STAGE HOLDING A MICROPHONE.
JERRY
Don’t you find that rich people like things
that project success and achievement?
Sports cars, yachting trophies, mounted
fish, wives . . . . What’s with that? The
trophy wife. How did those two words come
together? I can see the similarities. You
get the trophy after a long and arduous
struggle. A long and arduous struggle
happens after you get the wife. (PAUSE) A
trophy attracts attention. A wife demands
attention. (PAUSE) And if you leave a
trophy unattended for too long, it just
needs a bit of spit and polish. If you
leave a wife unattended for too long,
she’ll spit on you and polish you off.
FADE OUT.
END OF TEASER “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 2.
ACT ONE
SCENE A
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY (Jerry Seinfeld, Kramer, George Costanza, Elaine Benis)
JERRY IS STANDING IN HIS KITCHEN READING A NEWSPAPER ON THE
KITCHEN COUNTER. KRAMER ENTERS, LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN.
KRAMER
(CLAPS HANDS AND RUBS THEM TOGETHER) Hey,
buddy, what are you up to tonight? Because
it’s all happening at my place!
JERRY
Planning a big night?
KRAMER
Yep, the biggest! A video night to break
in my cushions. Newman’s in.
JERRY
Breaking in your cushions? What are they?
Wild horses?
KRAMER
Jerry, I have to get that new, plump, hard
feeling outta my new cushions. And nothing
does it better than watching a good horror “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 3. movie, not the b-grade stuff. A-grade all the way!
JERRY
Why horror movies?
KRAMER
Watching horror movies is like a two-hour dance with your cushions. (WALKS TO
JERRY’S COUCH AND GRABS A CUSHION) At the start of the movie, you’re hugging the cushion, anticipating the horror that’s about to start. Then doh-doh, doh-doh.
You start to hold the cushion to your face to shield you from what’s about to come.
Then as the scary parts reach a frightening crescendo . . . doh-doh, doh-doh, doh-doh- doh-doh-doh-doh (CLUTCHES CUSHION CLOSER
AND CLOSER TO FACE, THEN MASHING IT AGAINST
FACE, SCREAMING) – Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh-
JERRY
Alright, Cesar Romero, put the cushion down. As much as I would love to break in your cushions, with Newman no less (ROLLS
EYES), I have a gig tonight.
KRAMER “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 4.
At the Improv?
JERRY
No, private party. Some rich guy’s
birthday.
KRAMER
I thought you don’t do private parties?
JERRY
Yeah, I know there’s usually more heckling
but it’s supposed to be a high society
affair so I figure there’s less chance of
that happening.
KRAMER
Okay, buddy, but if you change your mind,
just follow the screams.
JERRY
If you’re after a great horror movie, watch
“The Ring.” I saw it with Elaine and she
screamed the entire time.
KRAMER
“The Ring.” Gotcha!
ENTER GEORGE COSTANZA THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR.
KRAMER “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 5.
Georgie-boy! (SLAPS GEORGE HARD ON HIS
BACK) Fancy a video night with the boys to
break in my new cushions tonight?
GEORGE
Thanks, but I’m planning my usual routine
of staying at my parents’ house on a
Saturday night and sobbing uncontrollably
because I have no job and every woman I
meet is repulsed by me.
KRAMER
Okay, whatever turns you on, chucky!
KRAMER LEAVES, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
JERRY
I see the drugs aren’t working?
GEORGE
(ROLLS HIS EYES) I feel like I’m at the
nadir point in my life. I’m over 30,
single, with no real prospects. I’m
unemployed with no idea for a career. I
live with my parents who slowly kill me
with each passing day. (SIGHS AND RUBS
EYES IN FRUSTRATION)
JERRY
So this is the lowest point in your life? “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 6.
GEORGE
Yes.
JERRY
Lower than when your mom caught you – you know?
GEORGE
Well-
JERRY
Lower than when you lied to everyone about having cancer to get a free toupee?
GEORGE
I admit-
JERRY
Lower than when you got caught urinating in a parking lot-
GEORGE
(LOUDLY) Alright, I get the point. (CALMS
DOWN) I was clearing the attic yesterday and I found some old class photos from high school. I got even more depressed.
JERRY
Why? At least now you’re not getting beaten up every second day and don’t get me “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 7.
started on gym class and your shorter-than-
short shorts-
GEORGE
I meant that when I was in high school I
comforted myself knowing that all the
popular kids would grow up to be fat,
unfulfilled nobodies with fading looks,
beer guts, their memories of how they once
had it great in their youth keeping them
from killing themselves.
JERRY
That comforted you? You poor sick bastard.
THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY WALKS TO BUZZER.
JERRY
(TO INTERCOM) Yeah?
ELAINE (V.O.)
It’s me.
JERRY
(TO INTERCOM) Come up.
JERRY OPENS THE DOOR.
GEORGE
Well, high school was their time. For the
rest of us unpopular kids, our time would
be after high school. We would emerge from “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 8.
the labels imposed on us by the popular
kids and become tycoons, scientists curing
cancer or world leaders solving global
poverty. This is supposed to be my time.
But do you see me running a multi-million
dollar business?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Curing disease?
JERRY
More like spreading it.
GEORGE
Solving global poverty?
JERRY
More like part of it.
GEORGE
Exactly. (PAUSE) What happened? Did I
even have a chance to be a success? Or was
I doomed to be a nobody from the start?
ENTER ELAINE BENIS.
ELAINE
You will not believe what happened!-
GEORGE “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 9.
Elaine, do you think I’m doomed to failure?
ELAINE
Yes.
GEORGE
Thank you for your candor.
GEORGE LEAVES THE ROOM IN THE DIRECTION OF THE BATHROOM.
ELAINE
You will not believe what’s happened! I’m
going to my friend’s wedding today and my
date cancelled on me. I have two hours to
get another date to this thing, which I
don’t want to go to, by the way-
JERRY
Why don’t you want to go to the wedding?
ELAINE
Stella, the bride, and I used to work in
the same building, until she decided to
marry this rich old guy. Now she’s quit
her job for a life of leisure.
JERRY
Aah, the trophy wife. A rare but beautiful
species of human being . . .
ELAINE “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 10 .
Stella is smart, funny, young, so much
better than an appendage on the arm of some
decrepit, fat, rich guy. I don’t get it.
The wedding’s today and anyone who’s anyone
is supposed to be there.
JERRY
So why are you there?
ELAINE
That’s great, funnyman. (PLEADS) Jerry,
come with me! I can’t go alone.
JERRY
Why?
ELAINE
Because I’d look sad and desperate but if I
bring you, then if I meet someone there I
can just ditch you.
JERRY
Charming! Anyway, I can’t. I have a gig
tonight and I’m gathering material for it.
GEORGE ENTERS THE ROOM.
JERRY
But, hey, what about George?
GEORGE
What about George? “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 11 .
ELAINE
I don’t know . . . Anyone who’s anyone will
be there . . .
GEORGE
Be where? What is it?
JERRY
Our little Lainey is getting all dressed up
to attend a high society wedding –
including a trophy wife, no less.
GEORGE
Ooh, they’re rare, like the albino
elephant. Please take me with you, Elaine.
I want to be high society! Please let me
be high society!
ELAINE
(ANNOYED) Alright, alright. But you have
to change. And you’re meeting me at the
church in two hours, okay?
ELAINE LEAVES THE APARTMENT.
GEORGE
(SMILES SMUGLY) I’m going to a trophy wife
wedding. I’ll be hob-nobbing with high
society. (STRUTS WITH AIRS)
JERRY “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 12 .
You’re moving up in the world, Georgie!
Who needs a job, your own place and a
woman?
GEORGE
That’s right, baby!
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 13 .
ACT ONE
SCENE B
FADE IN:
EXT. CHURCH – DAY (George Costanza, Elaine Benis)
GEORGE IS WAITING FOR ELAINE IN FRONT OF THE CHURCH GATES.
HE SEES THAT THE FRONT YARD OF THE CHURCH IS POPULATED WITH
GRAVES AND HEADSTONES. ELAINE ARRIVES AT THE CHURCH.
ELAINE
(PULLING GEORGE) Come on, George. We’ll
be late. We have to get good seats.
GEORGE
(STARES AT THE GRAVES AND HEADSTONES)
Don’t you think it’s weird that there are
graves right in front of the church?
ELAINE
(IMPATIENTLY) What’s weird is that I’m
bringing you! Will you hurry?
ELAINE DRAGS GEORGE UP THE FRONT PATH TO THE CHURCH DOORS.
GEORGE SPOTS A GRAVE WITH HIS NAME ON IT.
GEORGE
Elaine! Wait!
ELAINE FORCIBLY DRAGS GEORGE INSIDE THE CHURCH.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 14 .
ACT ONE
SCENE C
FADE IN:
EXT. CHURCH – DAY (George Costanza, Elaine Benis)
THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH IS FULL OF GUESTS CONGRATULATING
THE WEDDING PARTY. ELAINE IS STANDING IN A LINE TALKING TO
THE BRIDE AND GROOM.
ELAINE
(LOOKING AROUND IMPATIENTLY) George?
GEORGE IS STANDING AT THE HEADSTONE THAT BEARS HIS NAME.
GEORGE
“George Costanza. Loving husband. Loved
Life Despite Her Unkindness.” What does
that mean?
ELAINE (O.C.)
(ANGRY) George! Get over here!
GEORGE
(CONTINUES TO STARE AT THE HEADSTONE AND
MUTTERS) I’m coming! I’m coming!
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 15 .
ACT ONE
SCENE D
FADE IN:
INT. VIDEO STORE AISLE – NIGHT (Kramer, Newman, Boy, Boy’s Father)
KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARE STANDING IN AN AISLE WITH HORROR
VIDEOS STACKED SIDE-BY-SIDE ON SHELVES.
KRAMER
I’ll get the video. You get the popcorn
and meet me at the counter.
NEWMAN
Mmmm, popcorn.
NEWMAN LEAVES KRAMER IN THE AISLE. KRAMER PORES OVER THE
COVERS OF THE VIDEOS.
KRAMER
The Ring . . . . Is it under R or T?
KRAMER SCANS THE SHELVES. HE FINDS THE VIDEO. JUST AS
HE’S ABOUT TO PICK IT UP FROM THE SHELF, A SMALL HAND
SNATCHES IT BEFORE HE DOES. KRAMER LOOKS UP AND SEES A 10-
YEAR-OLD BOY HOLDING THE VIDEO.
KRAMER
Hey, kid, I was looking for that video.
BOY
So was I. “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 16 .
KRAMER
A friend of mine recommended it. I have to
watch that video.
BOY
My mum wants to watch a good horror movie
tonight and I know this is a good one.
KRAMER
So you’ve seen it? I haven’t. Come on,
kid. Let me borrow it.
BOY
No way. I got it first.
KRAMER
Look, I’ll give you five dollars. Get
yourself some popcorn or ice cream.
BOY
My dad is buying the popcorn.
KRAMER
(SLOWLY TURNING AWAY) Okay, kid, you win.
AS THE BOY SMILES IN TRIUMPH, KRAMER QUICKLY SNATCHES THE
VIDEO FROM THE KID’S HANDS. KRAMER RUNS TO THE COUNTER.
BOY
Hey, you stole my video! Hey!
THE BOY’S FATHER COMES OVER TO HIS SON WHO IS YELLING.
BOY’S FATHER “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 17 .
Freddy, don’t make so much noise!
BOY
But dad, that man took my-
BOY’S FATHER
I don’t care what happened! I won’t
tolerate more shenanigans from you tonight.
Now come on.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 18 .
ACT ONE
SCENE E
FADE IN:
INT. VIDEO STORE COUNTER – NIGHT (Kramer, Newman, Boy, Video Store Attendant)
KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARE AT THE COUNTER. THE VIDEO STORE
ATTENDANT IS PROCESSING THE VIDEO RENTAL ON THE COMPUTER.
KRAMER
I got the video. You’ve got the popcorn.
(CLAPS HANDS) We’re set, buddy!
VIDEO STORE ATTENDANT
I’ve got your details up on the screen.
I’ll just get your video from the back.
VIDEO STORE ATTENDANT DEPARTS.
NEWMAN
(SEES PILE OF CATALOGUES DETAILING NEW
RELEASES ON COUNTER) Ooh, new releases!
NEWMAN ACCIDENTALLY SCATTERS THE REST OF THE CATALOGUES ON
THE FLOOR. WHILE KRAMER AND NEWMAN PICK UP THE CATALOGUES,
THE BOY EMERGES FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER, PICKS UP A PEN
FROM THE COUNTER AND WRITES KRAMER’S ADDRESS DETAILS FROM
THE COMPUTER SCREEN ON THE PALM OF HIS HAND.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 19 .
ACT ONE
SCENE F
FADE IN:
EXT. FRONT DOOR OF MANOR – NIGHT (Jerry Seinfeld, Trophy Wife)
JERRY STANDS IN FRONT OF THE DOOR OF THE MANOR AND PRESSES
THE DOORBELL. THE SOUND OF CHURCH BELLS IS HEARD.
JERRY
(FAKES UPPER-CLASS BRITISH ACCENT) Very
civilized. Must get me one of those.
FRONT DOOR OPENS. YOUNG WOMAN IN AN EVENING GOWN, ADORNED
WITH JEWELLERY, AND HOLDING A MARTNI IS AT THE DOORWAY.
TROPHY WIFE
Yes? Can I help you?
JERRY
Good evening. I’m Jerry Seinfeld.
Comedian for the night.
TROPHY WIFE
(SMILES BROADLY) Yes, Mr. Seinfeld, we’ve
been expecting you. I’m Beverley Gatcombe.
(EXTENDS HER HAND IN WELCOME)
JERRY “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 20 .
(LOOKS SURPRISED, ACCEPTS HER HAND
NERVOUSLY) Oh . . . .
TROPHY WIFE
(SMIRKS) You look surprised, Mr. Seinfeld.
Were you expecting someone, maybe older?
JERRY
(STAMMERS) No, no. Its- I’m sorry, I-
TROPHY WIFE
(LAUGHS DELICATELY) Oh, that’s quite
alright, Mr. Seinfeld. I’m just being
mean. I get it all the time. I just tell
people I have the best plastic surgeon in
town. (LAUGHS DELICATELY)
JERRY
Or he has the worst. (FAKES DELICATE
LAUGHTER)
TROPHY WIFE
(LAUGHS) Please come in. The natives are
getting restless.
THE TROPHY WIFE LETS JERRY INSIDE, BOTH LAUGHING DELICATELY
AT THE TROPHY WIFE’S JOKE.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 21 .
ACT ONE
SCENE G
FADE IN:
INT. WEDDING RECEPTION – NIGHT (Elaine Benis, George Costanza, Middle-aged Wealthy Man,
Trophy Bride)
ELAINE AND GEORGE ARE SEATED NEXT TO EACH OTHER AT A TABLE.
NEXT TO ELAINE SITS A PORTLY, MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN AN
EXPENSIVE SUIT. NEXT TO GEORGE SITS THE TROPHY BRIDE
EATING A PIECE OF WEDDING CAKE.
ELAINE
(GIGGLES FLIRTATIOUSLY TO MIDDLE-AGED
WEALTHY MAN) My, my, Mr. Winterbottom.
Are you trying to seduce me?
MIDDLE-AGED WEALTHY MAN
(EYES ELAINE UP AND DOWN APPRECIATIVELY)
Make an old, rich man a happy man by
accepting my invitation to dinner. I do
not get many chances to dine with a lady
who is every bit my superior in beauty,
youth, intelligence, wit, culture and
sophistication.
ELAINE
(GIGGLES) Oh, what the hell! “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 22 .
TROPHY BRIDE
(TO GEORGE WHILE EATING A PIECE OF WEDDING
CAKE HASTILY) I haven’t eaten all day!
This cake is divine!
GEORGE
(PRE-OCCUPIED) You know another thing
that’s divine? The church! How did you
ever find out about it?
TROPHY BRIDE
Oh, I grew up going to Sunday services at
that church. I was baptized at-
GEORGE
Fascinating! Do you know how I can find
out more about the church and its history?
TROPHY BRIDE
Talk to Father Gregory, the priest who
married me this morning. He has all the
records. He’s also as old as Methusala so
he probably remembers everything anyway.
In fact, (LOOKS UP AND BEHIND HER) I think
he’s still sitting at the bridal table-
TROPHY BRIDE TURNS BACK TO FIND GEORGE HAS DISAPPEARED,
ALREADY OFF TO SPEAK TO THE PRIEST.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 23 .
ACT ONE
SCENE H
FADE IN:
INT. KRAMER’S APARTMENT – NIGHT (Kramer, Newman)
KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARE SITTING ON OPPOSITE ENDS OF KRAMER’S
COUCH, A BOWL OF POPCORN BETWEEN THEM. THEY ARE CLUTCHING
A CUSHION EACH. THE MOVIE IS PLAYING.
FEMALE MOVIE V.O. #1
The urban legend goes that after you watch
the video tape, you receive a phone call
from some anonymous person who whispers
“Seven days” in this creepy voice.
FEMALE MOVIE V.O. #2
What happens in seven days?
FEMALE MOVIE V.O. #1
You die.
FEMALE MOVIE V.O. #2
When did we watch that strange video tape?
FEMALE MOVIE V.O. #1
Exactly one week ago.
KRAMER AND NEWMAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER NERVOUSLY, CLUTCHING
THEIR CUSHIONS HARDER.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 24 .
ACT ONE
SCENE I
FADE IN:
INT. MANOR – NIGHT (Jerry Seinfeld)
JERRY IS IN THE STUDY, STANDING IN FRONT OF A CROWD OF
MIDDLE-AGED MEN, SMOKING CIGARS OR PIPES. YOUNG WOMEN ARE
EITHER STANDING NEXT TO THEIR OLDER PARTNERS OR DRAPED OVER
THE ARM RESTS. THE MIDDLE-AGED MEN AND YOUNG WOMEN ARE
LAUGHING.
JERRY
And what is with our obsession with youth
and beauty? I mean, standing next to
someone who is younger and prettier doesn’t
make us look younger and prettier. If
anything, we end up looking older and
uglier. (PAUSE AS AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I
think, if you want to look younger and
better-looking, the key is to sit next to
someone wrinklier and plainer.
THE RICH OLDER MEN GUFFAW LOUDLY WHILE THE YOUNG LADIES
GIGGLE GIRLISHLY. JERRY SMILES WITH SELF-CONFIDENCE.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 25 .
ACT ONE
SCENE J
FADE IN:
INT. KRAMER’S APARTMENT – NIGHT (Kramer, Newman, Boy)
KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARE SITTING SIDE-BY-SIDE ON THE COUCH,
CLUTCHING NUMEROUS CUSHIONS. THEY ARE BREATHING HEAVILY.
THE MOVIE IS FINISHED AND IT IS SILENT IN THE APARTMENT.
KRAMER
(SHAKILY) That wasn’t too scary.
NEWMAN
(SHAKILY) No, not scary at all. More like
a romantic comedy.
KRAMER
Yeah, yeah, that’s right. Romantic comedy.
After all, it’s just a movie.
NEWMAN
Yeah, just a movie. I mean, how fake did
the dead bodies look, you know, seven days
after they saw the video.
KRAMER
That’s right. Real fake. With their fake
expressions of abject horror at the last
thing they saw before they died. “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 26 .
NEWMAN
Um, does it count that we saw the video
too, I mean, through the movie?
KRAMER
I didn’t think of it that way. Technically
we did see the video but it doesn’t seem
fair since we saw it in a movie. So maybe
we’re in the clear.
NEWMAN
Yeah, that’s right. And don’t we have to
receive a call first, letting us know when
the seven days countdown starts? We
haven’t received a call, right?
KRAMER
That’s right! No call, no countdown!
THE PHONE RINGS. KRAMER AND NEWMAN LOOK AT THE PHONE ON A
LITTLE TABLE BESIDE THE COUCH ON KRAMER’S SIDE.
KRAMER
You get it.
NEWMAN
Me? No way! It’s your place.
KRAMER
Yes, but I said it first.
NEWMAN “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 27 .
The phone’s closer to you.
KRAMER
It’s probably just Jerry having us on. He
knows we’re watching it tonight.
NEWMAN
Okay, so pick up the phone.
KRAMER GINGERLY PICKS UP THE RECEIVER.
KRAMER
(SHAKILY) Hello?
BOY (V.O.)
(RASPY) Seven days.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 28 .
ACT ONE
SCENE K
FADE IN:
INT. BOY’S HOME – NIGHT (Boy)
THE BOY IS SITTING IN HIS LIVING ROOM WITH THE TELEPHONE TO
HIS EAR. KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARE HEARD THROUGH THE TELEPHONE
SCREAMING. THE BOY SMILES WICKEDLY, COVERING THE TELEPHONE
MOUTHPIECE WITH HIS HAND.
BOY’S FATHER (O.C.)
Freddy, are you getting ready for bed?
BOY
(HANGS UP THE PHONE AND CALLS OUT) I’m
going to bed now.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 29 .
ACT ONE
SCENE L
FADE IN:
EXT. FRONT DOOR OF MANOR – NIGHT (Jerry Seinfeld, Rich Old Husband)
JERRY WALKS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR ONTO THE FRONT STEP.
THE RICH OLD HUSBAND WHO IS DRUNK WALKS JERRY OUT THE DOOR.
RICH OLD HUSBAND
I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.
It’s funny because it’s true! (SLAPS JERRY
ON BACK)
JERRY
Well, it was a great party, Mr. Gatcombe.
Now, just the matter of pay-
RICH OLD HUSBAND
Goodnight (CLOSES DOOR ON JERRY)
JERRY LOOKS AT THE DOOR IN CONFUSION. THEN HE LOOKS AROUND
TO SEE IF ANYONE SAW. JERRY LOOKS AT THE DOOR AGAIN.
JERRY
(KNOCKS ON DOOR SOFTLY) Mr. Gatcombe?
There’s still the matter of my payment.
Mrs. Gatcombe? Anybody?
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 30 .
ACT TWO
SCENE A
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY (Jerry Seinfeld, Kramer, Newman, George Costanza, Elaine
Benis)
JERRY WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM, RUBBING HIS EYES AND
YAWNING. KRAMER AND NEWMAN SLEEPING ON HIS COUCH. JERRY
SNEAKS UP TO THEM.
JERRY
(LOUDLY) What are you two doing here?
KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARE STARTLED AWAKE AND SCREAM.
KRAMER
Jerry, it’s just you.
Jerry
Who else would it be, this being my
apartment? (TO NEWMAN) Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry.
JERRY
What are you doing here?
KRAMER
We were too freaked out from the movie.
JERRY “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 31 .
(WALKING TO KITCHEN) It’s just a movie.
NEWMAN
(TO KRAMER) Tell him about what happened.
KRAMER
Jerry, did you call me last night?
JERRY
No. I was doing my gig at the rich guy’s place. Let me tell you, they didn’t pay-
KRAMER
That’s great, man. But if you didn’t call me- (LOOKS AT NEWMAN) Oh my God!
NEWMAN
It’s true, it’s true. We’re going to die in seven days!
JERRY
Whoa. What’s going on?
KRAMER
You know how all the people who watched the video got a mysterious call, (PUTS ON THE
CREEPY VOICE) “Seven days?”
JERRY
Yeah?
NEWMAN
Well, after the movie, we got a call! “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 32 .
JERRY
What call?
KRAMER
The call! A mysterious voice said, (IN
CREEPY VOICE) “Seven days,” then hung up.
NEWMAN
We are going to die in seven days!
JERRY
Are you kidding? I’ve seen the movie but I survived.
KRAMER
Yes, but you showed it to us. You bastard!
NEWMAN
Maybe we should do that. We should show it to someone else.
KRAMER
I can’t put someone else through this.
It’s like I’m killing them.
NEWMAN
But I want to live, Kramer. Why won’t you let me live?
JERRY
(LOOKS AT BOX OF CEREAL IN HAND) When did
I get this? I don’t remember getting this? “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 33 .
KRAMER
There’s only one thing to do. We need to
redeem ourselves, in the eyes of every god
there is and with Mankind.
NEWMAN
(WHIMPERS) But I want to live.
KRAMER
Maybe if we redeem ourselves, we won’t die.
GEORGE
(ENTERS) Who won’t die?
KRAMER
Newman and I only have seven days to live.
Do you want to come and visit gods with us?
GEORGE
As strange and . . . no, just strange, as
that sounds I think I’ll pass.
KRAMER
Come on, Newman. (TO JERRY) Bye, buddy.
We’ll pray for you.
JERRY
(POURING MILK IN CEREAL BOWL) Please
don’t. Bye, bye.
KRAMER EXITS. NEWMAN FOLLOWS. BEFORE LEAVING, NEWMAN
TURNS TO JERRY AND GEORGE. “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 34 .
NEWMAN
(CRIES) But I want to live!
KRAMER (O.C.)
Newman, come on!
NEWMAN MEEKLY EXITS.
GEORGE
I need to talk to you about how I saw my
own grave yesterday.
JERRY
The day just keeps getting better.
GEORGE
I was waiting for Elaine and I saw this
headstone with my name-
JERRY
George Costanza?
GEORGE
George Costanza. And the inscription said,
“George Costanza. Loving husband. Loved
Life Despite Her Unkindness.” It spoke to
me, Jerry. That could be my inscription!
JERRY
Well, except for the loving husband bit.
GEORGE
True. “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 35 .
JERRY
Loved life?
GEORGE
Parts of it! But it was the last bit.
“Loved Life Despite Her Unkindness.” You can’t say Life has been kind to me.
JERRY
No, not at all.
GEORGE
Anyway, I talked to the priest and he gave me the number of Dead George’s widow.
(PAUSE) I called her, Jerry. (PAUSE) I’m seeing her this morning.
JERRY
Isn’t this a tad bit-
GEORGE
Morbid? Chilling? Macabre?-
JERRY
Pro-active, inquisitive, taking an interest? All these things you’re not.
GEORGE
I just want to find out if dead George was cursed, like me. If he was, then I will have irrefutable evidence that George “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 36 .
Costanzas are doomed to taste only failure and disappointment.
JERRY
And if he was the happiest men alive?
GEORGE
(QUIETLY) Then it’s just me. (PAUSE) I alone am doomed to taste only failure and disappointment.
JERRY
So, either way, you’re screwed, right?
GEORGE
Yes. But it’s all about determining who’s to blame – my parents who named me or God who may have singled me out with his cosmic finger as the joke of the universe.
JERRY
Out of all the people in the universe, God fingers you as the joke of the universe?
GEORGE
Anyway, how was your gig last night hob- nobbing with high society?
JERRY
I wasn’t so much hob-nobbing with the rich and ridiculous as I was working for free! “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 37 .
GEORGE
What?
JERRY
I did my set. Everyone was laughing. Then as I went to leave, old moneybags – with a trophy wife I might add – slammed the door in my face!
GEORGE
Didn’t you force your way back in?
JERRY
No, it wouldn’t have been . . . proper.
GEORGE
Proper? What’s the matter with you? Now you’re starting to sound like them!
JERRY
I don’t know! It was weird. I didn’t want to create a scene on their front porch.
GEORGE
I would have screamed holy hell on their porch til I wet myself!
JERRY
And you wonder why good things don’t happen to you?
GEORGE “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 38 .
You can’t let them get away with it. They
already have money, young wives. Now they
can add your boys to their collection.
JERRY
No one has my boys!
GEORGE
So, what are you going to do?
JERRY
I’ll think of something.
ELAINE ENTERS.
ELAINE
(SMILING) Hello, lads! Happy to see me?
JERRY
What’s put that smile on our little
Lainey’s face?
GEORGE
Try a rich, portly octogenarian Elaine met
at the wedding reception.
ELAINE
He’s a healthy, vibrant man, mature in mind
and body. We talked of art, literature, it
was like talking to my equal, and God
knows, I haven’t felt that in years!
GEORGE “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 39 .
(NOTICES CEREAL BOX JERRY PICKED UP BEFORE)
Hey, I love this brand of cereal! Did you
fish out the toy at the bottom already?
JERRY
So, young heifer, how will you play the old
bull?
ELAINE
Is this how it feels to be a trophy wife?
Lavished on because of my youth and looks?
JERRY
How does it feel?
ELAINE
I gotta tell you, not bad, Jer. Not bad.
Anyway, I have a lunch date with him today.
He’s taking me to a surprise location.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 40 .
ACT TWO
SCENE B
FADE IN:
INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH – DAY (Kramer, Newman)
LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. KRAMER
AND NEWMAN ARE SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A PEW AMONGST
CHURCH-GOERS. NEWMAN IS LEANING HIS HEAD ON KRAMER’S
SHOULDER, SNORING LOUDLY. KRAMER IS TRYING TO FOLLOW THE
HYMN BOOK. CHURCH-GOERS AROUND THEM ARE DISTURBED BY
NEWMAN’S SNORES. THEN EVERYONE STANDS UP. KRAMER NOTICES
EVERYONE HAS STOOD UP AND SO HE STANDS UP QUICKLY. NEWMAN
SINKS TO THE HARD PEW, STILL ASLEEP. THEN EVERYONE SITS
DOWN, INCLUDING KRAMER, WHO SITS DOWN ABRUPTLY ON NEWMAN’S
HEAD. NEWMAN WAKES UP SCREAMING, DISTURBING THE CHURCH-
GOERS AROUND THEM. THE OLD WOMEN SITTING NEARBY KRAMER AND
NEWMAN START HITTING THEM WITH THEIR HANDBAGS UNTIL KRAMER
AND NEWMAN LEAVE.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 41 .
ACT TWO
SCENE C
FADE IN:
INT. JEWISH TEMPLE – DAY (Kramer, Newman)
LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. KRAMER
AND NEWMAN ARE SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A PEW AMONGST
JEWISH PEOPLE. KRAMER IS SLEEPING, LEANING HIS HEAD ON
NEWMAN’S SHOULDER. NEWMAN IS BUSY MAKING EYES AT A YOUNG
GIRL SITTING BESIDE KRAMER. THE GIRL’S FATHER NOTICES
NEWMAN MAKING EYES AT HIS DAUGHTER AND SCOWLS. HE PICKS UP
HIS CANE AND GOES TO HIT NEWMAN WITH IT. INSTEAD THE CANE
FALLS ON KRAMER’S LAP. KRAMER WAKES UP SCREAMING IN PAIN.
THE OLD JEWISH LADIES AROUND KRAMER AND NEWMAN START
HITTING THEM WITH THEIR HANDBAGS UNTIL KRAMER AND NEWMAN
LEAVE.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 42 .
ACT TWO
SCENE D
FADE IN:
INT. BUDDHIST TEMPLE – DAY (Kramer, Newman, Richard Gere)
LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. KRAMER
AND NEWMAN ARE SITTING CROSS-LEGGED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
ROOM BEFORE THE ALTAR, AMONGST MEDITATING BUDDHISTS. THERE
IS A SAND BOX NEXT TO THEM. THEY START PLAYING NOUGHTS AND
CROSSES. KRAMER WINS AND RAISES HIS ARMS IN VICTORY.
RICHARD GERE (O.C.)
Ahem!
KRAMER AND NEWMAN STOP THEIR GAME AND LOOK UP TO SEE
RICHARD GERE SCOWLING AT THEM. NEWMAN SLOWLY CLEARS THE
SAND WITH HIS HAND.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 43 .
ACT TWO
SCENE E
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET – DAY (Kramer, Newman)
LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. KRAMER
AND NEWMAN ARE AT THE TAIL-END OF A CONGO LINE OF HARE
KRISHNAS, DANCING AND SINGING IN THE STREETS. THEY EVEN
HAVE THE LITTLE RED DOT ON THEIR FOREHEAD. NEWMAN LOOKS
TIRED FROM THE DANCING. KRAMER IS REALLY GETTING INTO IT,
INVITING PASSERS-BY TO JOIN HIM IN THE DANCING. IN THE
BACKGROUND, THE BOY FROM THE VIDEO STORE IS FOLLOWING
KRAMER AND NEWMAN SECRETLY, HOLDING A VIDEO CAMERA, FILMING
THEIR MOVEMENTS. THE BOY IS LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 44 .
ACT TWO
SCENE F
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET – DAY (Elaine Benis, Middle-aged Wealthy Man)
ELAINE IS STANDING OUTSIDE JERRY’S BUILDING, WAITING. A
LONG WHITE STRETCH-LIMOUSINE STOPS IN FRONT OF HER. THE
CHAFFEUR COMES OUT AND OPENS THE PASSENGER DOOR. ELAINE
BENDS DOWN TO LOOK INSIDE THE LIMOUSINE. SHE SEES THE
MIDDLE-AGED WEALTHY MAN FROM THE WEDDING RECEPTION INSIDE,
HOLDING TWO GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE.
ELAINE
Elaine Benis, lady of leisure . . .
ELAINE GIVES A BIG SMILE AND STEPS IN THE LIMOUSINE. THE
CHAFFEUR CLOSES THE DOOR AFTER HER.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 45 .
ACT TWO
SCENE G
FADE IN:
EXT. AIRPORT – DAY (Elaine Benis, Middle-aged Wealthy man)
LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. A LONG
WHITE STRETCH LIMOUSINE DRIVES ONTO THE AIRPORT TARMAC AND
STOPS. ELAINE AND THE MIDDLE-AGED WEALTHY MAN ALIGHT FROM
THE CAR. ELAINE LOOKS UP TO SEE A GULFSTREAM JET PARKED IN
FRONT OF THEM. THE STEPS ARE DOWN AND THE FLIGHT CREW ARE
STANDING BEFORE THEM READY TO RECEIVE THEM IN THE PLANE.
ELAINE LOOKS INCREDULOUSLY AS THE MIDDLE-AGED WEALTHY MAN
GESTURES FOR HER TO GET ABOARD THE PLANE. ELAINE
ENTHUSIASTICALLY WALKS UP THE STEPS TO THE PLANE, WITH THE
FLIGHT CREW GREETING HER.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 46 .
ACT TWO
SCENE H
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT (Elaine Benis, Middle-aged Wealthy Man)
LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. ELAINE
AND THE MIDDLE-AGED MAN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE BY A WINDOW
OVERLOOKING THE EIFFEL TOWER. ELAINE AND THE MIDDLE-AGED
WEALTHY MAN CHINK THEIR CHAMPAGNE FLUTES TOGETHER AND SIP
THEIR CHAMPAGNE. THEY HAVE A DELECTABLE SPREAD OF FOOD IN
FRONT OF THEM. THERE IS A WAITER PLAYING HIS VIOLIN NEXT
TO THEIR TABLE. THE MIDDLE-AGED WEALTHY MAN IS FEEDING
STRAWBERRIES DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE TO ELAINE’S MOUTH.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 47 .
ACT TWO
SCENE I
FADE IN:
INT. WIDOW’S HOUSE – DAY (George Costanza, Widow)
GEORGE IS STANDING IN A COSY LIVING ROOM. HE IS LOOKING AT
FRAMED PHOTOS OF A SMILING COUPLE. THE MAN IS IN VARIOUS
STATES OF DISABILITY – SOMETIMES AN ARM IN A SLING, A LEG
IN A CAST, WITH MEASLES, AND WITH AN EYE BANDAGE. THE
WIDOW ENTERS WITH A TEA TRAY.
WIDOW
Here you go, Mr. Costanza. (PUTS TEA TRAY
ON COFFEE TABLE AND SITS DOWN ON SOFA)
GEORGE
(SITS NEXT TO WIDOW) I cannot thank you
enough, Mrs. Costanza, for seeing me.
WIDOW
I was intrigued by your enquiry. But I’d
take any excuse to talk about my husband.
GEORGE
What was he like, your husband?
WIDOW
Well, he was kind and compassionate. Lots
of friends. Everything seemed like an “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 48 . adventure when he was around. He managed a sports store. Sport was his passion.
(PAUSE) We were so lucky to find each other. Not many people get to meet their soulmates, let alone marry them.
GEORGE
(DEJECTED) So he led a charmed life. A dream job, loving wife, loved in return.
He was a lucky man.
WIDOW
(LAUGHS) You’d be the first to say he was a lucky man!
GEORGE
How do you mean?
WIDOW
Why, he was the unluckiest man in the world health-wise. He was always getting a broken leg, fractured arm, measles. In fact, the way he died was unusual.
GEORGE
How did he die?
WIDOW
He was working in the store and there was a famous baseball player signing copies of “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 49 .
his new book. Anyway, the baseball player
was showing a kid how to pitch. He
accidentally let the ball go. The baseball
hit a can of tennis balls on a high shelf.
The can fell and hit George on the head.
That would have been fine but the can
landed on an old hairline fracture that
hadn’t properly healed yet. He had gotten
that from slipping on some dog doo the week
before. If the can had hit him anywhere
else, he would’ve just suffered a bump but
it had to be that very spot . . .
GEORGE LOOKS AT THE PHOTOS IN THE LIVING ROOM AGAIN, WHERE
DEAD GEORGE HAD A LEG IN A CAST, ARM IN A SLING, MEASLES,
AND EYE PATCH.
WIDOW
I haven’t talked about my George in a long
time. George. It’s strange calling you
George. Comforting too. I hope this won’t
be your only visit.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 50 .
ACT TWO
SCENE J
FADE IN:
EXT. FRONT DOOR OF MANOR – NIGHT (Jerry Seinfeld, Trophy Wife)
JERRY IS STANDING AT THE FRONT DOOR OF THE MANOR. HE TAKES
THE VIDEO OF “THE RING” FROM HIS POCKET AND PLACES IT ON
THE DOORSTEP. HE RINGS THE BELL AND HIDES IN THE BUSHES.
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS. THE TROPHY WIFE IS AT THE DOORWAY.
TROPHY WIFE
(LOOKS AROUND) Is anyone there? (NOTICES
VIDEO ON THE GROUND AND PICKS IT UP)
RICH OLD HUSBAND (O.C.)
Honey, who’s at the door?
TROPHY WIFE
(STUDIES BLURB ON VIDEO COVER) No-one.
But someone’s left a video with a thank you
note about your birthday party. Let’s
watch this tonight. I hear it’s good.
THE TROPHY WIFE CLOSES THE DOOR. JERRY CHECKS HIS WATCH.
JERRY
Two hours, and then showtime!
JERRY GETS UP FORM THE BUSHES AND RUNS OFF.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 51 .
ACT TWO
SCENE K
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT– NIGHT (Jerry Seinfeld, Kramer, Newman, Elaine Benis, George Costanza)
JERRY IS IN HIS KITCHEN READING THE PAPER. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
You magnificent bastard, give me a hug!
KRAMER RUSHES OVER TO A STARTLED JERRY AND GIVES HIM A HUG.
JERRY
Okay, okay, let me out. (NOTICES KRAMER
WEARING ROASARY BEADS AND CROSSES ROUND HIS
NECK) What’s all this?
KRAMER
It’s religion, Jerry! This movie made me
see the light! And it’s beautiful, Jerry.
It’s beautiful. Everything’s so beautiful.
I’ll be sad to leave it.
JERRY
Is this still about “The Ring?” You’re not
going to die, Kramer.
KRAMER
Whatever your beliefs it can’t hurt to
appease all the gods. I visited church, “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 52 . temple, I prayed to God, Buddha, even Hare
Krishna. I’m going to a better place,
Jerry. And this is just phase one, buddy.
Phase two starts tomorrow.
JERRY
What’s phase two?
KRAMER
Good deeds, my friend. I’ll be throwing myself into good deeds, doing things for other people, atoning for the horrible things I might have done to others.
JERRY
Like when you sold the second-hand wheelchair to that girl? I’m sure she’s out of hospital now.
KRAMER
Ooh, I forgot about her.
JERRY
And Elaine’s friend who fell through the glass coffee table you gave her?
KRAMER
Yeah, her . . .
JERRY
And you can’t forget about- “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 53 .
KRAMER
Alright, alright, it’s a long list. But
I’ll get there, Jerry. There are no limits
to my desire for acquire forgiveness.
NEWMAN ENTERS.
NEWMAN
Hello, Jerry.
Jerry
(GRIMACES) Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN APPROACHES JERRY SLOWLY UNTIL THEY ARE AT ARMS
LENGTH. THEN SUDDENLY NEWMAN LUNGES FORWARD AND HUGS
JERRY. STARTLED, JERRY JUST STANDS THERE IN SHOCK.
NEWMAN
Forgive me, Jerry, for all the horrible
things I’ve done to you. Forgive me, I
don’t want to go to hell-
JERRY
Alright, alright, just stop touching me!
JERRY BREAKS FREE OF NEWMAN. NEWMAN IS OUT OF BREATH.
JERRY
We shall never speak of this again.
KRAMER
(TO NEWMAN) C’mon, buddy, we’ve got an
early start tomorrow. “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 54 .
ELAINE ENTERS THE APARTMENT.
ELAINE
Hello, people. Ask me where I’ve just
been! Ask me!
KRAMER
(AFFECTIONATELY HOLDS ELAINE’S SHOULDERS)
Elaine, please know that whatever happens
to me in the next six days, know that I
have always cherished our friendship and
regard you with extreme fondness.
NEWMAN
Yeah, me too. What he said.
ELAINE
Okay. (WIDENS EYES AT JERRY). That’s . .
. just . . . . lovely-
KRAMER AND NEWMAN LUNGE FORWARD AND GIVE ELAINE A HUG.
ELAINE
(ALARMED) What in God’s name are you doing?
KRAMER
Indeed, Elaine, in God’s name . . .
KRMAER DOES A HAND GESTURE THAT RESEMBLES THE SIGN OF THE
CROSS AT ELAINE AND JERRY, AND EXITS. NEWMAN EXITS, ALSO
ATTEMPTING TO DO THE SIGN OF THE CROSS. ELAINE LOOKS AT
JERRY IN BEWILDERMENT. “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 55 .
JERRY
Don’t ask.
ELAINE
(QUICKLY RECOVERS) Okay, so ask me where
I’ve been?
JERRY
Okay, where-
ELAINE
I’ve just been to Paris, France! Paris,
France, Jerry!
JERRY
France? How? When?
ELAINE
My rich, wealthy older man picked me up in a stretch limo and took me to the airport where we got on his private jet to Paris,
France! We ate at this gorgeous restaurant
I can’t even pronounce with views of the
Eiffel Tower! We ordered every single dish on the menu! Then he took me on a horse and carriage ride across the city. We flew back on his private jet, and here I am!
JERRY
Wow! “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 56 .
ELAINE
Wow? It’s more than wow! What’s more than
wow?
JERRY
Well-
ELAINE
Doesn’t matter. Jerry, I couldn’t believe
it! This was the best date ever! If this
is how trophy girlfriends and wives get
treated, I can certainly get used to this!
All that money being thrown around! Trophy
wives can do whatever they want. Money,
geography, time is no barrier.
JERRY
So I take it there will be a second date
with Ol’ Moneybags?
ELAINE
I would have you know, it’s not about
money. It’s about trips to exotic and
romantic places, personal jets, expensive
food, the important things in life.
GEORGE ENTERS.
GEORGE
(DEPRESSED) Hello, people. “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 57 .
JERRY
Hey, Georgie-boy! Did you hear? Our
Lainey’s wants to be a trophy wife.
GEORGE
Aah . . . the old money from the wedding
reception?
ELAINE
Can I help it that he is deliciously
wealthy?
JERRY
The old man took Elaine to Paris, France in
his private jet today.
GEORGE
(AGITATED) I visited the widow of a dead
man with the same name as me, only to find
out that the dead man was plagued by bad
luck his entire life until it killed him.
ELAINE
(PAUSE) On that note, I’ll take your
leave, gentlemen. Enjoy talking about
George’s dead guy. I’ll call again when
I’m back in the country.
ELAINE EXITS.
JERRY “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 58 .
So tell me about this widow?
GEORGE
It was awful. There were all these framed pictures of Dead George everywhere. And in all the pictures he either had a broken leg, a broken arm, neck brace, chicken pox, the guy was always getting injured. His widow said that he was the sweetest man but he was the unluckiest man alive.
JERRY
So that proves it then, doesn’t it? It’s not you, it’s your name. Whoever bears the name George Costanza is destined to be a loser in life!
GEORGE
That’s right, Jerry. I’m so depressed.
(RUBS EYES WITH PALMS) I don’t even know why I should get up in the mornings.
JERRY
But this is good! All this time, you’ve blamed yourself, your parents, but it’s because of forces beyond your control.
GEORGE “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 59 .
But how do I combat it? Change my name?
My parents would kill me.
JERRY
Think about it this way, Dead George wasn’t unlucky in everything. He fell in love and got married-
GEORGE
That’s true. And he had lots of friends-
JERRY
There you go! Why should Dead George find love and not you? Are you not entitled to love and happiness? Do you not bear the name George Costanza as well?
GEORGE
That’s right! Anyway, I’m going to find out some more about Dead George when I visit the widow again tomorrow.
JERRY
You’re visiting her again?
GEORGE
Yeah, I feel sorry for her. She’s invited me to tea tomorrow. She feels comfortable talking about Dead George to me.
JERRY “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 60 .
That would be weird if, you know, if you
and she-
GEORGE
No, that will never happen. She’s like 10
years older, with the wrinkles and the
chubby frame, no way. (LOOKS AT WATCH)
Anyway, buddy, gotta go. I’ll see you.
JERRY
Okay, talk to you later.
GEORGE EXITS. JERRY CHECKS HIS WATCH. JERRY PICKS UP THE
PHONE AND DIALS THE NUMBER OF THE MANOR.
RICH OLD HUSBAND (V.O.)
Hello. Hello?
JERRY
(RASPY) Seven days . . .
THE DIAL TONE IMMEDIATELY SOUNDS FROM THE PHONE LINE.
JERRY PUTS THE RECEIVER BACK ON THE CRADLE.
JERRY
That’ll teach you, you rich bastard!
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 61 .
ACT THREE
SCENE A
FADE IN:
INT. WIDOW’S HOUSE – DAY (George Costanza, Widow)
LIGHT COMICAL MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. GEORGE
AND THE WIDOW ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH IN THE LIVING ROOM.
THE WIDOW IS SHOWING GEORGE A PHOTO ALBUM. GEORGE IS
TRYING TO LOOK INTERESTED BUT CAN’T HELP LOOKING FRUSTRATED
AND BORED WHEN THE WIDOW ISN’T LOOKING.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 62 .
ACT THREE
SCENE B
FADE IN:
INT. WIDOW’S HOUSE – NIGHT (George Costanza, Widow)
LIGHT COMICAL MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. GEORGE
IS ON A STEP LADDER IN THE DARKENED LIVING ROOM SCREWING A
NEW LIGHTBULB IN. WHEN THE LIGHTS TURN ON, THE WIDOW
HOLDING THE LADDER STEADY HOLDS UP A BIG BAG OF NEW
LIGHTBULBS AND POINTS OT OTHER ROOMS IN THE HOUSE WHICH
NEED NEW LIGHTBULBS. WHEN THE WIDOW LETS GO OF THE STEP
LADDER, GEORGE LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS OFF THE LADDER.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 63 .
ACT THREE
SCENE C
FADE IN:
EXT. WIDOW’S HOUSE – DAY (George Costanza, Widow)
LIGHT COMICAL MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. GEORGE
IS IN THE FRONT YARD OF THE WIDOW’S HOUSE, MOWING HER LAWN
WITH AN OLD LAWNMOWER. HE LOOKS EXHAUSTED AND SWEATY. AS
GEORGE STOPS TO WIPE HIS SWEATY BROW, HE SEES THE WIDOW
LOOKING AT HIM THROUGH HER FRONT WINDOW. HE SMILES AND
WAVES. SHE SMILES AND WAVES BACK. AS SOON AS SHE LEAVES
THE WINDOW, GEORGE SCOWLS AND RESUMES MOWING HER LAWN.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 64 .
ACT THREE
SCENE D
FADE IN:
INT. OLD RICH FRIEND’S MANOR – NIGHT (Elaine Benis, Middle-aged Wealthy Man)
LIGHT COMICAL MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. ELAINE
IS STANDING DUTIFULLY BY HER NEW LOVER, PERCHED ON HIS ARM
AS HE TALKS TO HIS MALE FRIENDS. ELAINE TRIES TO
PARTICIPATE IN THE CONVERSATION BUT SHE IS IGNORED. SHE
LOOKS BORED AND FRUSTRATED. THEN HER LOVER DIRECTS HER TO
GO TO THE NEXT ROOM WHERE ALL THE TROPHY WIVES SIT. SHE
WALKS TO THE NEXT ROOM ONLY TO SEE YOUNG WOMEN DRAPED OVER
COUCHES, PLAYING CARD GAMES, PLAYING THE PIANO OR JUST
LOOKING BORED. SHE LOOKS BACK OVER TO THE ROOM SHE JUST
DEPARTED AND SEES THE MEN SLAPPING HER LOVER ON THE BACK,
LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY, SMOKING THEIR CIGARS AND SWILLING THEIR
BRANDY. ELAINE IS APPROACHED BY ONE OF THE TROPHY WIVES
WHO DIRECTS HER TO SIT ON THE COUCH. THE TROPHY WIFE HANDS
ELAINE A TABLIOD MAGAZINE TO READ. ELAINE FAKES HER
GRATITUDE BUT LOOKS BORED AND FRUSTRATED.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 65 .
ACT THREE
SCENE E
FADE IN:
INT. SOUP KITCHEN – NIGHT (Kramer, Newman)
LIGHT COMICAL MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. KRAMER
AND NEWMAN ARE BEHIND THE COUNTER SERVING FOOD TO THE
HOMELESS. NEWMAN TASTES THE POTATO MASH HE IS DISHING OUT.
ONE OF THE HOMELESS PEOPLE SEES NEWMAN EATING THEIR FOOD
AND STARTS YELLING AT HIM, POINTING HIS FINGER AND ALERTING
EVERYONE TO WHAT NEWMAN IS DOING. KRAMER TRIES TO MOVE THE
QUEUE ALONG BY DISHING OUT THE FOOD IN DOUBLE-TIME. HE
STARTS TO DROP FOOD EVERYWHERE AND THE HOMELESS PEOPLE IN
THE QUEUE START TO COMPLAIN LOUDLY. ANOTHER MAN BEHIND THE
COUNTER INSTRUCTS KRAMER AND NEWMAN TO LEAVE. KRAMER AND
NEWMAN TAKE OFF THEIR APRONS AND LEAVE QUICKLY. THE
HOMELESS PEOPLE ARE THROWING FOOD AT THEM AS THEY DEPART.
THEN YOU SEE THE BOY FROM THE VIDEO STORE FOLLOW THEM OUT
OF THE HOMELESS SHELTER HOLDING A VIDEO CAMERA, LAUGHING.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 66 .
ACT THREE
SCENE F
FADE IN:
INT. CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL – DAY (Kramer, Newman)
LIGHT COMICAL MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. KRAMER
AND NEWMAN ARE DRESSED AS CLOWNS AND TRYING TO ENTERTAIN
THE SICK CHILDREN IN HOSPITAL. KRAMER IS SINGING AND
STRUMMING A GUITAR AND NEWMAN IS HITTING BONGOS. THE KIDS
ARE BLOCKING THEIR EARS AND WINCING. THE BOY FROM THE
VIDEO STORE IS THERE AS WELL, DISGUISED IN HOSPITAL GARB.
HE IS SECRETLY FILMING KRAMER AND NEWMAN WITH HIS VIDEO
CAMERA AND LAUGHING. THEN THE CHILDREN START THROWING
THEIR TOYS AT KRAMER AND NEWMAN UNTIL THEY LEAVE.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 67 .
ACT THREE
SCENE G
FADE IN:
INT. OLD FOLKS HOME – DAY (Kramer, Newman)
LIGHT COMICAL MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. KRAMER
IS PLAYING CHECKERS WITH AN OLD MAN WHILE NEWMAN IS PUSHING
THE WHEELCHAIR OF AN OLD LADY CLOSER TO THE WINDOW. KRAMER
BEATS THE OLD MAN AND STANDS UP IN TRIUMPH. THE OLD MAN
STANDS UP IN ANGER, ACCUSING KRAMER OF CHEATING. THEY BOTH
START ARGUING HEATEDLY. NEWMAN, LOOKING AT THE FIGHT
ENSUING BETWEEN KRAMER AND THE OLD MAN, ACCIDENTLY RUNS THE
WHEELCHAIR OVER AN OLD MAN’S FOOT AND THE WHEELCHAIR TIPS
OVER WITH THE OLD WOMAN IN IT. TWO ORDERLIES COME IN AND
FORCE KRAMER AND NEWMAN TO LEAVE THE HOME. THE BOY FROM
THE VIDEO STORE IS OUTSIDE BY THE WINDOW, SECRETLY FILMING
THE SCENE AND LAUGHING.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 68 .
ACT THREE
SCENE H
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT (Kramer, Jerry Seinfeld)
JERRY IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH WATCHING TELEVISION WHEN
KRAMER ENTERS, HOLDING TWO CUSHIONS.
KRAMER
Jerry, I want to give you something. I
want you to have these cushions.
JERRY
Your cushions? Why?
KRAMER
As you know, today is the seventh day, the
day of reckoning, and I want to give away
my worldly possessions before I leave this
world.
JERRY
Kramer, you’re not going to die-
KRAMER
There’s no point in trying to make me feel
better. I’ve made peace with it. I’ve
accepted the reality that my time is over-
JERRY “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 69 .
So who’s getting your couch?
KRAMER
I had to give it to the old folks home to
make up for inciting a near riot there.
Who knew that old people could get that
riled up?
JERRY
Aah.
ENTER NEWMAN
NEWMAN
(BIG WINSOME SMILE) Hello, Jerry, my
friend.
JERRY
(GRIMACES) Hello, Newman.
Newman
(TO KRAMER) Hey, we have to return the
video.
Kramer
It’s back at my place.
EXIT NEWMAN
KRAMER
So this could be it, Jerry. This could be
the last time you’re seeing me. I just
want to tell you that- “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 70 .
ENTER ELAINE
ELAINE
-Being a trophy girlfriend sucks!
KRAMER
(GIVES ELAINE A HUG) Elaine, Elaine,
Elaine.
KRAMER ABRUPTLY BREAKS FREE FROM THE HUG AND EXITS.
ELAINE
Is he stilling thinking he’s going to die?
Jerry
Yeah.
ELAINE
Tough break. Anyway, I hate being a trophy
girlfriend!
JERRY
But what about the dates to Paris, trips on
his yacht, invitations to all the exclusive
parties, hob-nobbing with high society-
ELAINE
But all I do is hang off his arm like a
useless appendage. None of his friends
talk to me. I get relegated to the room
where the trophy wives sit and wait while
their husbands drink, smoke and tell dirty “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 71 .
jokes in the next room. It’s all so very
boring. Also, I have to tell him where I’m
going all the time, like he owns me. And
the pressure of having to look my best all
the time, even if I’m just going to the
gym! Apparently the chance of encountering
someone from the same circle is too great
to risk loafing around in sweats.
JERRY
(WALKS TO ELAINE AND HUGS HER) So the
dream is over?
ELAINE
(WITH QUIVERING LIP) I’m afraid so.
SUDDENLY A NEWS BULLETIN COMES ON THE TELEVISION.
NEWSREADER (V.O.)
The city’s high society came out in force
tonight to attend the wake of Mr. Richard
Gatcombe. It is reported that he suffered
a fatal heart attack days after receiving a
mysterious package on his doorstep last
Sunday night. Police are remaining tight-
lipped about the contents of the package.
JERRY
(SHOCKED) Elaine! Did you just hear that? “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 72 .
ELAINE
About Richard Gatcombe? Yeah, I would have been at that wake if I was still with-
JERRY
Oh my God! It’s my fault! I killed him!
ELAINE
What are you talking about?
JERRY
I sent him that package! When they didn’t pay me I bought a copy of that movie that freaked out Kramer and Newman, you know,
“The Ring.” I left it on his doorstep. I just wanted to freak him out a little. I didn’t want to kill him!
ELAINE
Well, he was old. And if he felt anything like Kramer after watching the movie-
JERRY
Oh my God! I have to go there. I have to pay my respects, anything! (GRABS HIS
JACKET AND EXITS)
ELAINE
(SITS ON THE COUCH AND PICKS UP THE
TELEVISION REMOTE CONTROL) Okay, have fun. “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 73 .
ELAINE’S CELL PHONE RINGS. SHE RETRIEVES HER CELL PHONE
FROM HER BAG AND ANSWERS IT.
ELAINE
Hello.
TROPHY BRIDE (V.O.)
(CRYING) Oh Elaine, my marriage is over.
ELAINE
Stella? But you just got married! I went
to your wedding a week ago!
TROPHY BRIDE (V.O.)
I know, I know. But it’s over. I caught
him with his secretary! She’s five years
younger than me. I could kill the bastard!
ELAINE
Look, Stella, I’m at my friend Jerry’s
apartment. Why don’t you come over here
and we’ll talk.
STELLA
Okay. You’re such a good friend, Elaine.
I just don’t know what to do.
ELAINE
I’ll give you the address. Got a pen?
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 74 .
ACT THREE
SCENE I
FADE IN:
INT. WIDOW’S HOUSE – NIGHT (George Costanza, Widow)
GEORGE AND THE WIDOW ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH IN THE LIVING
ROOM. THE WIDOW IS POURING GEORGE A CUP OF TEA. GEORGE
LOOKS BORED.
GEORGE
Mrs. Costanza, I’m not going to be able to
come around anymore.
WIDOW
Oh, what a shame, I’ve really enjoyed your
company. What is taking you away from me?
GEORGE
Err, I’m, err, joining the priesthood.
WIDOW
Oh, the priesthood!
GEORGE
Yes, well, all my time with you and all
your stories about how good your husband
was to everyone has inspired me to try to
be just as selfless as my namesake.
WIDOW “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 75 .
Oh George, you’re so kind to say so.
(PAUSES) But I confess I have been
deceitful.
GEORGE
Deceitful? What do you mean?
WIDOW
I’ve been lying to you, George. I’m sorry
but I wanted my husband’s memory to be
untainted. Not many people know of his
past . . . .
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 76 .
ACT THREE
SCENE J
FADE IN:
INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY (Dead George Costanza, Young George Costanza)
DEAD GEORGE COSTANZA IS SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE SCHOOL
BUS, TRYING TO LOOK INCONSPICUOUS. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
BUS IS YOUNG GEORGE COSTANZA SITTING BY HIMSELF. THERE ARE
THREE SPORTS JOCKS SITTING FURTHER AHEAD OF YOUNG GEORGE
COSTANZA.
WIDOW (O.C.)
My husband was actually a convicted felon.
He was doing time for armed robbery and
escaped from prison. He wanted to start a
new life. He was on a school bus when he
saw this boy being bullied by a group of
high school jocks.
HIGH SCHOOL JOCK #1
(SITS NEXT TO YOUNG GEORGE) Hey, Can’t-
Standz-Ya, where were you during gym class?
YOUNG GEORGE
(NERVOUSLY) I had a nose bleed. My nose
bleeds when it gets warm.
HIGH SCHOOL JOCK #1 “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 77 .
(TO THE OTHER TWO JOCKS) Hey, Can’t-
Standz-Ya had a nose bleed today.
OTHER TWO JOCKS APPROACH AND SIT IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OF
YOUNG GEORGE
HIGH SCHOOL JOCK #2
(SARCASTICALLY) Aaw, Can’t-Standz-Ya had a
nose bleed.
HIGH SCHOOL JOCK #3
(SARCASTICALLY) Poor Can’t-Standz-Ya!
YOUNG GEORGE
Um, Guys, actually my name is Costanza.
Not Can’t-Standz-Ya. It’s George Costanza,
so you can call me George too.
HIGH SCHOOL JOCK #1
But Can’t-Standz-Ya suits you perfectly.
Now, Can’t-Standz-Ya, because you missed
gym class, we missed out on our daily
fixing of giving you a wedgey.
THE OTHER HIGH SCHOOL JOCKS LAUGH MENACINGLY.
YOUNG GEORGE
(ANXIOUSLY) Now, guys, you can’t give me a
wedgey on a public bus. No, no, no!
WIDOW (O.C.) “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 78 .
(CAMERA FOCUSES ON DEAD GEORGE LOOKING ON
AT THIS SCENE) While my husband watched
this boy get his daily wedgey, he realized
this boy could help him. After all, in
order to start a new life he had to adopt a
new name. This new name would have to be
inconspicuous. He needed a name that would
allow him to disappear into obscurity, with
no chance of attracting fame and fortune.
He needed the name of a loser. So he
changed his name by deed poll and the rest
is history.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 79 .
ACT THREE
SCENE K
FADE IN:
INT. WIDOW’S HOUSE – NIGHT (George Costanza, Widow)
GEORGE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, SHOCKED.
WIDOW
I hope this doesn’t change your admiration
of my husband. He really was a good man.
Seeing that boy on the bus proved
fortuitous for my husband because it
allowed him to start afresh. The only bad
luck which seemed to follow him was the
many physical injuries, which, strangely
enough, didn’t occur before that time on
that bus. Strange, I guess you can’t have
it all. Isn’t that right, George? George?
GEORGE REMAINS SHOCKED INTO SILENCE.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 80 .
ACT THREE
SCENE L
FADE IN:
INT. MANOR - NIGHT (Jerry Seinfeld, Trophy Wife)
JERRY IS STANDING WITH THE TROPHY WIFE IN A ROOM FULL OF
MOURNERS IN BLACK.
JERRY
I heard about Mr. Gatcombe and I had to
come and pay my respects.
TROPHY WIFE
It was so very kind of you to come. One of
his last happiest moments was his birthday
party when you entertained his friends.
(STARTS TO CRY).
JERRY
I heard he had a heart attack a few nights
ago.
TROPHY WIFE
Yes, that’s right. It was strange but in
the last few days of his life, he had
gotten it into his head that he was going
to die. We had watched the movie “The
Ring” and it really affected him. He “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 81 .
insisted in getting his things in order
and- (SOBS)
JERRY
I am so sorry for your loss. I didn’t
know-
TROPHY WIFE
Oh, before I forget, I only found out
recently that we hadn’t paid you that night
when you entertained at his birthday party.
I gave him the envelope to give to you in
case I was busy with our guests but he was
so inebriated that he forgot to hand it to
you. I found the envelope in one of his
suit pockets-(SOBS WHILE HANDING JERRY THE
ENVELOPE)
JERRY
I can’t possibly accept this!
TROPHY WIFE
Please, Jerry, he would have wanted you to
have it.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 82 .
ACT THREE
SCENE M
FADE IN:
INT. VIDEO STORE – NIGHT (Kramer, Newman, Boy, Boy’s Father)
KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARE STANDING BY THE VIDEO STORE COUNTER
WAITING TO RETURN THE VIDEO. THUNDER CAN BE HEARD.
KRAMER
Ooh, storm coming. (PAUSES) And to think,
Newman, it all started here. The reason
for our end tonight started in this little
video store.
NEWMAN
(STARTS TO CRY) I don’t want to die,
Kramer. I want to live!
KRAMER
(HUGGING NEWMAN) You have to keep it
together, man. Face death like a man.
NEWMAN
I don’t wanna!
KRAMER
If we learned anything from this week, it’s
courage, my friend. Courage and love.
BOY’S FATHER (O.C.) “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 83 .
There they are. Now you are going to
apologise to them!
BOY (O.C.)
Dad!
ENTER BOY AND BOY’S FATHER.
BOY’S FATHER
Hello, you might not remember us but we
were here last week-
KRAMER
You’re the kid who wanted to borrow the
video. Man, I should have given it to you
but that’s karma.
BOY’S FATHER
No, you don’t understand. Freddy, has
something to tell you.
BOY
No, I won’t say it!
BOY’S FATHER
Freddy!
BOY
Okay, I’m sorry for playing that trick on
you about the video. I called you last
Saturday after you watched the movie.
NEWMAN “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 84 .
That was you?
BOY
And I’m sorry that I’ve been following you
around filming you getting kicked out of
the children’s ward, the homeless shelter,
and the old folks home-
KRAMER
You were there?
BOY’S FATHER
I’m so sorry about all this. I found out
about it when I found his videotapes.
NEWMAN
Why you little- (TRIES TO STRANGLE THE BOY)
KRAMER RESTRAINS NEWMAN WHILE THE BOY HIDES BEHIND FATHER.
KRAMER
Newman, pull yourself together!
NEWMAN
But that kid is the reason why we thought
we were going to die!
KRAMER
But we’re not going to die, Newman. We’re
going to live! Baby, we’re going to live!
NEWMAN
You’re right, you’re right! “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 85 .
KRAMER AND NEWMAN HUG JOYOUSLY. THEY ALSO HUG THE BOY AND
THE BOY’S FATHER.
CUT TO: “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 86 .
ACT THREE
SCENE N
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT (Elaine Benis, Trophy Bride, Kramer and Newman)
ELAINE IS SITTING BY THE COUCH WHEN SOMEONE KNOCKS ON THE
DOOR. ELAINE HURRIES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. THE TROPHY
BRIDE IS THERE IN A LONG WHITE DRESS, WET FROM THE RAIN.
HER BLACK HAIR IS LONG AND DISHEVELLED. SHE IS CRYING AND
ANGRY.
ELAINE
Oh, Stella, you’re sopping wet.
TROPHY BRIDE
I don’t care! I don’t care how I look! I
hate men, Elaine! I want to kill them all!
My husband cheated on me and I’m going to
make sure he loses everything in the
divorce!
ELAINE
Look, sit down on the couch and I’ll get
you a towel. I’ll make some hot chocolate
and we can have a long talk about things. “The Trophy Wife” by Ladyclare Padua 87 .
ELAINE EXITS. THE TROPHY BRIDE LEAVES THE FRONT DOOR OPEN.
SHE WALKS SLOWLY TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN. KRAMER AND
NEWMAN ARE SKIPPING DOWN THE CORRIDOR TO JERRY’S APARTMENT.
KRAMER (O.C.)
Great news, Jerry. We’re not going to die!
NEWMAN (O.C.)
We’re gonna live, Jerry, LIVE! (LAUGHS)
KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARRIVE AT JERRY’S FRONT DOOR. THEY SEE
THE TROPHY BRIDE SITTING ON THE COUCH. SHE SLOWLY TURNS
HER HEAD TO STARE AT THEM MENACINGLY. HER LONG, DARK WET
HAIR IS COVERING MOST OF HER PALE FACE. SHE SLOWLY RISES
FROM THE COUCH. KRAMER AND NEWMAN ARE ROOTED TO THE SPOT
IN FEAR, CLUTCHING EACH OTHER. THEY BOTH START TO WHIMPER.
TROPHY BRIDE
(GROWL) What do you want? Do you want to
die?!
KRAMER AND NEWMAN SCREAM IN FRIGHT AND RUN DOWN THE
CORRIDOR, SCREAMING.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW