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The Trophy Wife”

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TV THREE-CAMERA FORMAT “The Trophy Wife” Written by Ladyclare Padua Ladyclare Padua [email protected] “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 1. TEASER FADE IN: EXT. IMPROV STAGE – NIGHT (Jerry Seinfeld) JERRY IS ON STAGE HOLDING A MICROPHONE. JERRY Don’t you find that rich people like things that project success and achievement? Sports cars, yachting trophies, mounted fish, wives . What’s with that? The trophy wife. How did those two words come together? I can see the similarities. You get the trophy after a long and arduous struggle. A long and arduous struggle happens after you get the wife. (PAUSE) A trophy attracts attention. A wife demands attention. (PAUSE) And if you leave a trophy unattended for too long, it just needs a bit of spit and polish. If you leave a wife unattended for too long, she’ll spit on you and polish you off. FADE OUT. END OF TEASER “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 2. ACT ONE SCENE A FADE IN: INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY (Jerry Seinfeld, Kramer, George Costanza, Elaine Benis) JERRY IS STANDING IN HIS KITCHEN READING A NEWSPAPER ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER. KRAMER ENTERS, LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN. KRAMER (CLAPS HANDS AND RUBS THEM TOGETHER) Hey, buddy, what are you up to tonight? Because it’s all happening at my place! JERRY Planning a big night? KRAMER Yep, the biggest! A video night to break in my cushions. Newman’s in. JERRY Breaking in your cushions? What are they? Wild horses? KRAMER Jerry, I have to get that new, plump, hard feeling outta my new cushions. And nothing does it better than watching a good horror “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 3. movie, not the b-grade stuff. A-grade all the way! JERRY Why horror movies? KRAMER Watching horror movies is like a two-hour dance with your cushions. (WALKS TO JERRY’S COUCH AND GRABS A CUSHION) At the start of the movie, you’re hugging the cushion, anticipating the horror that’s about to start. Then doh-doh, doh-doh. You start to hold the cushion to your face to shield you from what’s about to come. Then as the scary parts reach a frightening crescendo . doh-doh, doh-doh, doh-doh- doh-doh-doh-doh (CLUTCHES CUSHION CLOSER AND CLOSER TO FACE, THEN MASHING IT AGAINST FACE, SCREAMING) – Aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh- JERRY Alright, Cesar Romero, put the cushion down. As much as I would love to break in your cushions, with Newman no less (ROLLS EYES), I have a gig tonight. KRAMER “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 4. At the Improv? JERRY No, private party. Some rich guy’s birthday. KRAMER I thought you don’t do private parties? JERRY Yeah, I know there’s usually more heckling but it’s supposed to be a high society affair so I figure there’s less chance of that happening. KRAMER Okay, buddy, but if you change your mind, just follow the screams. JERRY If you’re after a great horror movie, watch “The Ring.” I saw it with Elaine and she screamed the entire time. KRAMER “The Ring.” Gotcha! ENTER GEORGE COSTANZA THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR. KRAMER “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 5. Georgie-boy! (SLAPS GEORGE HARD ON HIS BACK) Fancy a video night with the boys to break in my new cushions tonight? GEORGE Thanks, but I’m planning my usual routine of staying at my parents’ house on a Saturday night and sobbing uncontrollably because I have no job and every woman I meet is repulsed by me. KRAMER Okay, whatever turns you on, chucky! KRAMER LEAVES, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. JERRY I see the drugs aren’t working? GEORGE (ROLLS HIS EYES) I feel like I’m at the nadir point in my life. I’m over 30, single, with no real prospects. I’m unemployed with no idea for a career. I live with my parents who slowly kill me with each passing day. (SIGHS AND RUBS EYES IN FRUSTRATION) JERRY So this is the lowest point in your life? “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 6. GEORGE Yes. JERRY Lower than when your mom caught you – you know? GEORGE Well- JERRY Lower than when you lied to everyone about having cancer to get a free toupee? GEORGE I admit- JERRY Lower than when you got caught urinating in a parking lot- GEORGE (LOUDLY) Alright, I get the point. (CALMS DOWN) I was clearing the attic yesterday and I found some old class photos from high school. I got even more depressed. JERRY Why? At least now you’re not getting beaten up every second day and don’t get me “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 7. started on gym class and your shorter-than- short shorts- GEORGE I meant that when I was in high school I comforted myself knowing that all the popular kids would grow up to be fat, unfulfilled nobodies with fading looks, beer guts, their memories of how they once had it great in their youth keeping them from killing themselves. JERRY That comforted you? You poor sick bastard. THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY WALKS TO BUZZER. JERRY (TO INTERCOM) Yeah? ELAINE (V.O.) It’s me. JERRY (TO INTERCOM) Come up. JERRY OPENS THE DOOR. GEORGE Well, high school was their time. For the rest of us unpopular kids, our time would be after high school. We would emerge from “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 8. the labels imposed on us by the popular kids and become tycoons, scientists curing cancer or world leaders solving global poverty. This is supposed to be my time. But do you see me running a multi-million dollar business? JERRY No. GEORGE Curing disease? JERRY More like spreading it. GEORGE Solving global poverty? JERRY More like part of it. GEORGE Exactly. (PAUSE) What happened? Did I even have a chance to be a success? Or was I doomed to be a nobody from the start? ENTER ELAINE BENIS. ELAINE You will not believe what happened!- GEORGE “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 9. Elaine, do you think I’m doomed to failure? ELAINE Yes. GEORGE Thank you for your candor. GEORGE LEAVES THE ROOM IN THE DIRECTION OF THE BATHROOM. ELAINE You will not believe what’s happened! I’m going to my friend’s wedding today and my date cancelled on me. I have two hours to get another date to this thing, which I don’t want to go to, by the way- JERRY Why don’t you want to go to the wedding? ELAINE Stella, the bride, and I used to work in the same building, until she decided to marry this rich old guy. Now she’s quit her job for a life of leisure. JERRY Aah, the trophy wife. A rare but beautiful species of human being . ELAINE “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 10 . Stella is smart, funny, young, so much better than an appendage on the arm of some decrepit, fat, rich guy. I don’t get it. The wedding’s today and anyone who’s anyone is supposed to be there. JERRY So why are you there? ELAINE That’s great, funnyman. (PLEADS) Jerry, come with me! I can’t go alone. JERRY Why? ELAINE Because I’d look sad and desperate but if I bring you, then if I meet someone there I can just ditch you. JERRY Charming! Anyway, I can’t. I have a gig tonight and I’m gathering material for it. GEORGE ENTERS THE ROOM. JERRY But, hey, what about George? GEORGE What about George? “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 11 . ELAINE I don’t know . Anyone who’s anyone will be there . GEORGE Be where? What is it? JERRY Our little Lainey is getting all dressed up to attend a high society wedding – including a trophy wife, no less. GEORGE Ooh, they’re rare, like the albino elephant. Please take me with you, Elaine. I want to be high society! Please let me be high society! ELAINE (ANNOYED) Alright, alright. But you have to change. And you’re meeting me at the church in two hours, okay? ELAINE LEAVES THE APARTMENT. GEORGE (SMILES SMUGLY) I’m going to a trophy wife wedding. I’ll be hob-nobbing with high society. (STRUTS WITH AIRS) JERRY “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 12 . You’re moving up in the world, Georgie! Who needs a job, your own place and a woman? GEORGE That’s right, baby! CUT TO: “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 13 . ACT ONE SCENE B FADE IN: EXT. CHURCH – DAY (George Costanza, Elaine Benis) GEORGE IS WAITING FOR ELAINE IN FRONT OF THE CHURCH GATES. HE SEES THAT THE FRONT YARD OF THE CHURCH IS POPULATED WITH GRAVES AND HEADSTONES. ELAINE ARRIVES AT THE CHURCH. ELAINE (PULLING GEORGE) Come on, George. We’ll be late. We have to get good seats. GEORGE (STARES AT THE GRAVES AND HEADSTONES) Don’t you think it’s weird that there are graves right in front of the church? ELAINE (IMPATIENTLY) What’s weird is that I’m bringing you! Will you hurry? ELAINE DRAGS GEORGE UP THE FRONT PATH TO THE CHURCH DOORS. GEORGE SPOTS A GRAVE WITH HIS NAME ON IT. GEORGE Elaine! Wait! ELAINE FORCIBLY DRAGS GEORGE INSIDE THE CHURCH. CUT TO: “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 14 . ACT ONE SCENE C FADE IN: EXT. CHURCH – DAY (George Costanza, Elaine Benis) THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH IS FULL OF GUESTS CONGRATULATING THE WEDDING PARTY. ELAINE IS STANDING IN A LINE TALKING TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM. ELAINE (LOOKING AROUND IMPATIENTLY) George? GEORGE IS STANDING AT THE HEADSTONE THAT BEARS HIS NAME. GEORGE “George Costanza. Loving husband. Loved Life Despite Her Unkindness.” What does that mean? ELAINE (O.C.) (ANGRY) George! Get over here! GEORGE (CONTINUES TO STARE AT THE HEADSTONE AND MUTTERS) I’m coming! I’m coming! CUT TO: “TheTrophyWife”byLadyclarePadua 15 .
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