Parenting & Childhood Development
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If you have any questions, please contact us for assistance
Copyright 2005-2011. Great Wall China Adoption. All rights reserved. It is against the law to copy, reprint, store in a retrieval system or transmit any part of this guidebook in any means for any purpose without written permission from Great Wall China Adoption. Revised 9.2011 Table of Contents
Introduction...... 3 Steps to take before the adoption...... 4 Adoption Acceptance ...... 5-6 Adoption Preparation Worksheet...... 7-8 Preparing/Childproofing Your Home ...... 9-10 Preparing Your Child’s Room ...... 11-12 Your Baby Shower...... 3 Toy Safety...... 4 Car Seat Safety ...... 5-6 Recommended Reading Lists ...... 7-8 Your Adoption Announcement...... 9-10 Freebies and Coupons...... 11-12 Babysitter Checklist...... 3 Understanding Your Referral Documents ...... 4 Sample State of Growth of Perspective Adoptive Child ...... 5-6 Developmental Milestones...... 7-8 Early Childhood Intervention ...... 9-10 Bonding and Attachment ...... 11-12 Attachment Disorder...... 3 Milton Erikson’s Theory of Trust vs. Mistrust ...... 4 Symptoms of Attachment Disorder ...... 5-6 Keys to Bonding ...... 7-8 Suggestions to Help the Older Child Bond and Attach ...... 9-10 Signs the Child is Bonding to the Parent ...... 11-12 Helpful Tips for When you Meet Your Child...... 4 Steps to Build a Healthy Attachment ...... 5-6 Nutrition...... 7-8 Helping Your Child Sleep Through the Night...... 9-10 Post Adoption Depression Syndrome ...... 11-12 Conclusion ...... 4 References ...... 5-6
Parenting & Childhood Development - 2 - Introduction
We wanted to open this informational guide with a mental exercise. We hope this will help paint a picture of what your child will soon experience.
Imagine you woke up this morning like you have every morning for the last twelve months: in a crib next to other babies or on a pallet with two other children next to your foster parents. Imagine the smells of the congee wheeled into your room, the sounds of the wheels rolling in their stainless steel casters on the linoleum floor, or the smell of the cooking fire in the stove.
Imagine with all of your senses what your child’s life might have been like. Now imagine that you are awaked, there is lots of excitement, you are dressed in clothes that are different, newer, and taken into a car--you've never been in a car before--and then go through sights and sounds of traffic, and people you don't know driving and talking, to arrive at a big building. In this building you see other babies from the orphanage, but there are other adults too that do not look at all familiar.
Think of how you as expectant parents with all the emotions you are bringing to that moment must look to your child. Imagine what your child might be feeling; what they might be smelling in this strange hotel or government building, with strangers who used soap and shampoo and lotion with unfamiliar scents, lots of emotions, crying, laughing, cameras, etc., --and then your nanny hands you to your new parents, and says "good-bye.”
Now stop and think about what your child is seeing and experiencing for the first time. We hope that this exercise will give you an idea of what you as parents can do to soothe and nurture your child as though your baby could order precisely what she needed.
In this packet, we hope to help prepare you for this day with your child and for many days to come.
Sincerely,
Great Wall China Adoption
Parenting & Childhood Development - 3 - Steps to take before the adoption
*Learn more about the Chinese culture. Your child’s Chinese heritage will be part of your family from the moment she enters into your life. Your family will be enriched by learning more about her culture.
Ex. Many families enroll for Chinese language lessons, or simply learn a few words of the language. Get involved in the Chinese cultural events in your area. Celebrate the Chinese holidays, learn more about Chinese cuisine, read books from our recommended reading list, listen to music or watch movies.
*Connect with other families and keep in touch with us! There are many ways to get connected to families in the adoption process. Since many of our families are not in the Austin area, our agency has over 50 GWCA Regional Offices that can serve as a local line of support. Many of our Regional officers are families that have previously adopted a child from China, so they can offer their own insight into this process.
There are also other local groups like Families with Children from China. FCC has chapters around the world. For more information about an FCC chapter in your area, please visit: http://www.fwcc.org/contacts.html. Many also families take part in online support groups. We recommend an online support group that is a positive form of support.
*Plan ahead! Find your resources: a recommended pediatrician, daycare, schools, and adoption support groups. Educate yourself and your family about the adoption process. Talk to us, contact your Referral Counselor anytime you have questions! The better your understanding of this process, the more relaxed you can be during this time.
Adoption Acceptance
Families who plan to adopt a child internationally, should be understanding and accepting of the following:
1. A child whose biological parents were unable to care for them because of social and political pressures. A child who has experienced abandonment.
2. A child who has not had the opportunities for consistent one-on-one attention, stimulation, and affection with a parent; a child who may not understand or be able to readily return affection or make easy attachments with both parents.
3. A child who has not had access to good nutrition, health care, and/or a safe, consistent, structured routine or environment.
4. A child who may have or have had parasites, rashes, rickets, respiratory infections, anemia, lead exposure, and/or other common conditions for orphanage children.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 4 -
5. A child who is behind American children of the same age for developmental milestones and in height and weight.
6. That there may be difficulties, delays and disappointments during your adoption process; including paperwork, referral time, travel and then with the initial and long-term aspects of family life.
7. That all children react in some way to the move from their orphanage or foster home to their new home with their adoptive family. It is important to learn about how children grieve this separation. Remember, while the adoption is joyous for the parents, your child is experiencing a loss of the familiar and is adjusting to his/her new surroundings.
Families adopting internationally should be open to all of these possibilities. We recommend that you educate yourselves, find the appropriate supports, services and resources for you child and your family.
Adoption Preparation Worksheet
We recommend that each parent complete this worksheet. Once completed share your answers with each other. We also recommend that you discuss any concerns with your Referral Counselor, social worker, or other families you have met in through adoption.
1. When I think about adopting a child, I picture a child who: 2. The most important parts of the adoption process and procedure for me are: 3. Thinking about international adoption, I worry most about: 4. Thinking about adoption in general, I worry most about: 5. (If married) My partner is probably more worried about: and is probably less worried about: (If single) My family is probably worried about: and is probably less worried about: 6. Three ways I think my child will be different from me and my family are: 7. Three things I can do to get ready to parent a child adopted from China are: 8. Names we have thought about for our child are: 9. The two biggest stressors I think I’ll have after we return from China will be: And the two biggest supports will be: 10. Three questions I’d like to ask an experienced adoptive parent who has adopted a child from China are:
Parenting & Childhood Development - 5 - Preparing/Childproofing Your Home
Childproofing your home is one of the most important things that you can do before your child comes home. Once s/he arrives home with you, your little one will be crawling, walking and becoming a lot more mobile. Below is a list of tips for childproofing your home:
Environmental Hazards Keep a list of emergency numbers near the phone and have a phone available at all times in case of an emergency. Prevent poisoning by always buying and using products with child resistant caps. Remember to always store medicines, household cleaners and chemical products in their original labeled container, and know your local Poison Control Center number. The toll-free number for the National Poison Control Center is 1-800-222-1222. Make sure that used or hand-me-down equipment, such as car seats, strollers, toys and cribs, hasn’t been recalled for safety reasons. You can call the manufacturer or the Consumer Product Safety Commission for a current list of recalled products at: 1-800- 638-2772 or http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prerel.html Install smoke detectors, carbon monoxide detectors and fire extinguishers in the house. Always use flame retardant bedding and sleepwear. Install safety covers on electrical outlets and latches on cabinets. Make sure your house is free of hazards such as radon, carbon monoxide, asbestos, mercury and mold. Use stair gates and window guards, and always use nonskid backing on rugs. Make sure carpets are securely tacked down and remove furniture with sharp edges or use corner guards. Remove breakables from low tables and shelves. Remove mobiles from the crib and playpen once your child can stand. Always keep the tie cords of blinds, curtains and appliances out of reach, or use a blind cord wind-up device. Remove loops from blinds. Remove the rubber knob or tip from doorstops, as they are a choking hazard for young children. Do not allow your child near stoves, heaters or other hot appliances (especially curling irons). When cooking, use the back burners and turn pot handles inward. Set the temperature of your hot water heater between 120 and 130 degrees F to prevent scalding burns. Place childproof covers on the doorknobs of doors that your child could use to leave the house. If you have guns in the house keep the guns and bullets in a separate locked place. Be aware that certain dog breeds, Rottweilers, Pit Bulls, and Dobermans, are responsible for over fifty percent of fatal dog bites. Always closely supervise children when in the presence of large animals. Consider purchasing a lock for your dishwasher and refrigerator to prevent your child from reaching unsafe items. Make sure your child's toy box doesn't have a heavy, hinged lid that could trap your child inside.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 6 - Drowning Hazards
To prevent drowning, always empty water from bathtubs and pails and never leave your child alone near any container of water. In the bathroom use a toilet lid lock, a non-slip mat on the tub floor, and a cushion on the bathtub faucet. If you have a swimming pool, enclose the area with a fence that has a self-closing and self-latching gate. Never leave your child alone in a swimming area.
Remember to secure all electrical outlets with safety covers, and gather and secure all loose electrical cords. Put all hazardous substances; medicines, cleaning products, and other chemicals, out of the reach of curious hands and mouths. Remember that in addition to childproofing your own home you should be sure that your child is safe at daycare or when visiting friends and family.
Preparing Your Child’s Room
Today the choices for decorating a nursery are endless. But whether you choose a themed motif, or decide to use neutrals, there are some essential structural elements to consider. Think about the room and ask yourself some basic questions.
How will the room be used? When will it be used most? How long will your child use the room?
These are important questions to consider when planning a nursery. The choices you make today will determine how functional your child’s room is or is not in the future.
Practical Tips for Planning Your Nursery:
Plan the room to last through childhood. Choose wall treatments and furniture that are appropriate for any age and use accessories to give the room nursery feel. Also make sure there's room for a bed once your baby moves out of the crib. The room should grow with your child. Avoid wall-to-wall carpeting. Use area rugs on a wood or cork floor, if possible. Hard floors are easier to clean and they don't harbor allergy-aggravating dust. Area rugs can be replaced much more easily than carpeting. Consider double-duty furniture. Try purchasing a changing table that will convert to a dresser once your baby grows out of diapers. Conversely, a pad atop a low chest of drawers can also function as a changing table for your infant. There are cribs available that convert to toddler beds and then to a regular, full sized bed. The longer you can use the furniture, the better the value.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 7 - Take note of the light in the room. Determine the angles of the sunbeams that shine in at different times of day. Don't put the crib in a spot that gets direct sunlight in the morning, or in a place lit up by a streetlight all night. Give yourself plenty of storage space. You will definitely need more room when the clothes get bigger, and shoes and other accessories are needed. You'll use every inch of closet space that you can get. Don't forget a place for you to sit in the nursery. Pick a comfortable chair. You'll be spending many nights there with your baby, reading her stories or rocking her to sleep. Many mothers find a soft rocking chair works best.
Furniture Essentials for a Basic Nursery:
Bassinet or Cradle Crib Changing Table Chest of Drawers Rocking Chair or Glider for Mom & Dad Lighting; Task and Ambient Hamper and Diaper Basket/Genie
Practical Tips for Planning Your Older Child’s Room:
Since your older child will already have an established personality when you are united, it is more practical to ask yourself these questions.
How many kids will be sleeping in the room? Do you expect that s/he will have to share sometime in the next few years? Will the bedroom be her main space for play as well as sleep, or will there be a separate play area?
Considering these questions will likely save you a lot of time and trouble. Once your child arrives home, and you discover what her (or his) favorite colors and patterns are, you can shop together for accessories to make the room unique.
Furniture Essentials for a Basic Child’s Room:
Bed & Bedside Table with a Lamp Desk with a Chair and Lamp Play Surface (can be the floor) Mirror Clothing Storage Toy Box / Bookshelves
Parenting & Childhood Development - 8 - Your Baby Shower
A baby shower is special for everyone involved! Try a few of these ideas at your shower and you will create memories to treasure always!
Disposable Cameras or Designated Photographer Capture your special moments on film. Provide one camera for every five guests. Encourage everyone to take pictures of the activities throughout the day. This will provide many different perspectives, and create a more interesting record of your shower. If you choose not to provide multiple cameras make sure that at least one person is designated as the photographer. You will definitely want photo memories of your shower.
Gift Recorder While you’re opening your gifts, choose a person to write down each gift and who gave the gift to you. Not only will it create a nice memory, it will make writing your thank-you cards a lot easier!
Words of Wisdom Begin the shower by passing around a “Words of Wisdom Journal.” Ask the guests to write their advice for the new parents. This works best for first time parents. This idea will create a special keepsake of your shower and a lasting reminder of your friends and family.
Photo Memories As each of your guests arrives or departs take a picture of the parents-to-be with the guest. Have double prints made of these pictures, one set for you to keep, and the other set for your thank-you cards. You and your guests will each have a special memory to treasure.
Toy Safety
Play is an important component of childhood, and toys are an essential tool for development. When choosing a toy for your child be sure that it is developmentally appropriate. It should promote learning and growth, but also encourage your child to use imagination in play. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, you should choose toys that are safe. The following list can help you to choose toys that are both appropriate and safe for your child.
Toys for Children Under 3 Years Old
Children under three years of age often put everything in their mouths. Avoid buying toys intended for older children that may have small parts, as these parts pose a choking danger. Never let children of any age play with un-inflated or broken balloons because they are a choking hazard. Avoid marbles, balls, and games with balls that have a diameter of 1.75 inches or less. These products also pose a choking hazard to young children.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 9 - Children less than three years old often pull, prod and twist toys. Look for toys that are well made with tightly secured eyes, noses and other parts. Avoid toys that have sharp edges and points.
Toys for Children 3 - 5 Years Old
Avoid toys that are constructed with thin, brittle plastic that might easily break into small pieces or leave jagged edges. Look for art supplies, including crayons and paint sets, marked with the designation "ASTM D-4236." This means the product has been reviewed by a toxicologist and labeled with cautionary information. Teach older children to keep their toys away from their younger brothers and sisters.
Recommended Language Toys
Any Leap Frog product by LeapFrog Little Linguist by Neurosmith Language Launcher by Vtech Language Learning Phone by Fisher-Price Ling Chinese Speaking Doll by Language Littles
Car Seat Safety
General Car Seat Tips
All children under 12 years of age should be placed in the back seat of the car, especially if a car has passenger side air bags. Infants should be in a rear facing infant only seat, or a convertible seat, until they are 1 year old and weigh at least twenty pounds. Children who reach twenty pounds before their first birthday should still face backwards and should be moved to a rear facing convertible seat. Children that weigh more than twenty pounds and have passed the first birthday should use a forward facing car seat until they weigh 40 pounds or their ears have reached the top of the car seat. Children over forty pounds should be placed into a belt positioning booster seat. Standard adult seat belts should not be used until they fit a child correctly. Generally, this is when a child is about 80 pounds and is 4 ft. 9 inches tall. A child should not use standard adult seat belts until the shoulder strap fits across the shoulder and not the neck. The lap belt should fit across the hips and not the stomach. Be sure to read the car seat manufacturer's instructions and your car owner's manual to be sure that you are installing and using the car seat correctly.
Car Seat Mistakes
Parenting & Childhood Development - 10 - Once you have the right seat, it is easy to make mistakes by not securing the seat correctly in your car or not securing your child correctly in the seat. The harness straps are too loose or in the wrong position. The harness chest clip is in the wrong position The seat belt is not properly locked with a locking clip, seat belt retractor or locking latch-plate. Keep in mind that newer seat belt systems have a built-in locking mechanism. The car seat is not secured correctly; either the wrong seat belt path or the seat belts are not tight enough. The seat is in the path of an air bag.
Rear Facing Convertible Seat Tips
The harness straps on rear-facing seats are positioned at, or slightly below, your child’s shoulders. The harness chest clip is in the correct location at your child's armpit level. The harness straps are snug and straight. The seat reclines at about a 45-degree angle.
Forward Facing Convertible Seat Tips
The harness straps on forward-facing restraints are positioned at, or slightly above, your child’s shoulders. You should be using the top set of harness slots for convertible child safety seats. The harness straps are snug and straight. The harness chest clip is positioned at your child’s mid-chest or armpit area.
Forward Facing Combination Seat Tips
The harness straps should be positioned at, or slightly above, your child’s shoulders. Once the child weighs 40 pounds, you should remove the harness straps and use your car's lap/shoulder belt, especially if the harness straps are below the child’s shoulders. Once the child weighs 40 pounds, you should stop using a shield booster seat.
Belt-positioning Booster Seat Tips
Always use the lap/shoulder belt combination with a belt-positioning booster. Never use a lap belt only. This includes no back and high back booster seats. The shoulder belt rests snugly across chest, rests on shoulder; and should NEVER be placed under the arm or behind the back. The lap-belt should rest low, across the lap/upper thigh area, and not across the stomach.
Car Seat Safety Internet Resources
Safety: http://pediatrics.about.com/health/pediatrics. Safety tips from your Pediatrics Guide at about.com.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 11 - Information about car seats and a number of other safety topics: http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/ Car Seats: http://www.medem.com/medlb/articleslb.cfm?sub_cat=104. AAP guide to buying a car seat
Recommended Reading Lists
Adoption Stories for Children:
A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza
We See The Moon by Carrie Kitze
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose A. Lewis
Over the Moon: An Adoption Tale by Karen Katz
The Day We Met You by Phoebe Koehler
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis
Happy Adoption Day! By John McCutcheon
The White Swan Express: A Story About Adoption by Jean Davies Okimoto, Elaine M. Aoki and Meilo So (ages 4-8)
Mommy Far, Mommy Near: An Adoption Story by Carol Antoinette Peacock (ages 4-8)
Chinese Eyes by Marjorie Ann Waybill (ages 4-8)
Our Baby from China by Nancy D’Antonio (ages 4-8)
Traditional Favorites: The following list includes books that have appealed to generations of children in the past, and continue to enchant children today.
The Dr. Seuss series by Dr. Seuss
The Winnie the Pooh series by A.A. Milne
The Peter Rabbit series by Beatrix Potter
The Babar series by Laurent De Brunhoff
Parenting & Childhood Development - 12 - The Angelina Ballarina series by Katharine Holabird
The Eloise series by Kay Thompson
The Ramona series by Beverly Cleary
Modern Favorites: These books have become modern children’s classics.
Animalia (alphabet picture book) by Graeme Base
Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown
Guess How Much I Love You? by Sam McBratney
The Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister
The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by Joan Archambault and Bill Martin Jr.
Miss Spider’s Tea Party by David Kirk
Stella Luna by Janell Cannon
The Velveteen Rabbit by Marjorie Williams
Great Wall Employees’ Favorites: Our favorite childhood books!
Harold and the Purple Crayon by Crockett Johnson
Curious George by H.A. Rey
Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
The Paper Bag Princess by Robert N. Munsch
Fox in Socks, The Lorax, The Sneetches and Other Stories and Oh, The Places You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss
The Little Engine that Could by Watty Piper
James and the Giant Peach and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White
Where the Sidewalk Ends: Poems and Drawings and The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
Parenting & Childhood Development - 13 - The Nancy Drew series by Carolyn Keene
Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by John Archambault
Selected Items of Interest to Parents:
Chinese Lullabies by Beijing Angelic Choir – Music CD
When You Were Born in China: A Memory Book for Children Adopted from China by Sara Dorow
LifeBooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child by Beth O’Malley
Moonbeams, Dumplings & Dragon Boats: A Treasury of Chinese Holiday Tales, Activities & Recipes by Nina Simonds, Leslie Swartz and Meilo So
The Waiting Child: How the Faith and Love of One Orphan Saved the Life of Another by Cindy Champnella
Daughter from Afar: A Family’s International Adoption Story by Sarah L. Woodard
A Passage to the Heart: Writings from Families with Children from China by Amy Klatzkin
The Lost Daughters of China: Abandoned Girls, Their Journey to America, and the Search for a Missing Past by Karin Evans
Peach Girl: Poems for a Chinese Daughter by Joan I. Siegel and Joel Solonche
West Meets East by Richard Tessler, Gail Gamache and Liming Liu
Concise English-Chinese Chinese-English Dictionary by Martin H. Manser, Oxford Press
The Starter Oxford Chinese Dictionary by Boping Yuan and Sally Church
Your Adoption Announcement
We here at Great Wall understand your excitement about bringing your new little one home. We have enjoyed the privilege of sharing in many family homecomings and we are very excited for you! To help you communicate your wonderful news with friends, family and colleagues we suggest the following.
Place an adoption announcement in your church bulletin, company newsletter or community newspaper. Don’t forget to include a photo of your beautiful child.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 14 - Sample Adoption Announcement #1:
Mr. and Mrs. Smith are thrilled to announce the adoption of their daughter, Emily Smith, born January 01, 2001, arrived home January 02, 2002. Adopted from Guangdong Province, China. She came to Chicago a happy, healthy bundle of joy.
Sample Adoption Announcement #2:
“Lilly’s Here!” Lilly Sarah Jones Date of Birth: November 12, 2003 Guangdong Province, PR China Embraced by: Jane, Sam and Justin March 16, 2005
Freebies and Coupons
Websites with free items and coupons for new parents
http://babyzone.com/free.htm
http://www.babiesonline.com/offers/em.asp?babyplace
http://www.charmin.com/en_us/pages/offers_pttraining.shtml (free potty training kit) http://www.gerber.com/special
http://www.beechnut.com/Special%20Offers/index.asp (free feeding guide plus coupons)
http://www.verybestbaby.com/default.asp
http://welcomeaddition.com/default.aspx
http://www.earthsbest.com/americanbaby/newsletter.php
http://www.singlemothers.org/singlemombenefit.html
https://apps.meadjohnson.com/forms/jsp/Efb/Efb.do
http://www.huggieshappybaby.com/
*You may also call Huggies Diapers at 1-800-544-1847 to sign up for their coupon mailing list.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 15 - Babysitter Checklist
Whether you hire a babysitter to watch your children occasionally or you have full-time childcare, this checklist addresses everything a caregiver should know to keep your kids happy and safe. Before you leave the house, complete this list, print it, put it on the fridge, and relax while you’re away from home.
General Information: Our Names: Our Address: Our Telephone Number: The name, phone number, and location of where we'll be: The time we plan to return home: House key is kept: Car key is kept: First-aid supplies are kept: Medications are kept:
When to contact us:
If a child has been crying for more than 20 or 30 minutes and you can't determine what's wrong. If a child develops a fever, vomits, or is injured (more than a superficial scrape). Anytime a situation develops that you feel you can't handle without help.
Mom's work and/or cell phone numbers:
Dad's work and/or cell phone numbers:
In an Emergency, if we can't be reached, you should contact:
(Name, Relationship, and Telephone Number) 1.) 2.) 3.)
Emergency Help numbers to call:
Poison Control: Police Department: Fire Department: Hospital or Urgent Care: Pediatrician's Name and Number:
Parenting & Childhood Development - 16 - What to do in a FIRE:
In a small, contained fire (on the stove, for example); the fire extinguisher can be used if you know how to operate it.
Our fire extinguisher is located:
In a larger fire; gather all the children immediately and usher them out of the house via the nearest door or window.
Test the doors before you open them, if a door is warm, try another escape route. Kneel down, reach up as high as you can, and touch the door with the back of your hand--at the knob and around the frame. If there's a fire on the other side, it will feel warm on the knob and around the cracks.
Exits are located:
Take the children and go straight to a neighbor's house--preferably one who is on the "in case of emergency" list--and call 911 from there. Call us or one of the above alternate contacts if we are not reachable.
Health insurance information you may need:
Insurance company: Group/policy number: Policyholder's name: Policyholder's identification number:
Details about our children:
Special instructions; food allergies, medical conditions, medications and dosages, or other special instructions.)
Full Name: Age: Weight: Height: Nap/Bed Time: Special Instructions:
______Full Name: Age: Weight: Height: Nap/Bed Time: Special Instructions:
Parenting & Childhood Development - 17 - ______Full Name: Age: Weight: Height: Nap/Bed Time: Special Instructions:
______Full Name: Age: Weight: Height: Nap/Bed Time: Special Instructions:
______Full Name: Age: Weight: Height: Nap/Bed Time: Special Instructions:
House Rules and Routines:
Acceptable or unacceptable television programs and movies: Acceptable or unacceptable foods: Guidelines for outside play: Guidelines for company: Bedtime routine: Special considerations: Our discipline philosophy: Never leave children unattended with food.
Special requests: (Please write down details about your day/night with our children.)
What and when did they eat? What time did they nap/go to bed for the night?
General Safety Rules:
Avoid giving: raisins, hot dogs, raw carrots, celery, grapes, nuts, hard candy, gum, popcorn, raw pears and apples to children under age four years. For ages four to six years, be sure to peel and cut apples, pears, and carrots.
Never drink or eat anything hot while holding a baby or young child.
Never leave a child unattended with food. Make sure any food given to children under age four years is cut into tiny pieces (about the size of a fingertip).
Parenting & Childhood Development - 18 - Understanding Your Referral Documents
When you receive your child’s referral information, the China Center for Children’s Welfare and Adoption (CCCWA) referral packet will be made up of three sections:
The first section is the Medical Exam, for which you will receive a full translation. The medical exam will also include all lab work supporting the medical exam. Including copies of your child’s HIV and Hepatitis B testing, blood work and urinalysis.
The second section is the Growth Report, which will provide a brief description of your child’s history at the orphanage. This will typically include information on how your child was found and how they spend a typical day. It will also provide a translation of your child’s name.
The final section is the State of Growth of Prospective Adoptive Child, which we refer to as the Growth Prospective. The Growth Prospective is a form with information on your child’s daily routine, motor development, adaptability, language and social skills and it also provides information about their personality. A sample copy of the Growth Prospective is provided below.
The information may seem minimal, but these forms do provide useful information regarding your child’s health, history and development. The Growth Prospective can provide you with information about your child’s age appropriate milestones.
For example, if your child is 6 months old at the time her medical exam was completed, you can obtain information about her development by reviewing the growth prospective. We also recommend that you review these forms with your physician, but this packet also contains a listing of age appropriate developmental milestones.
While we feel all families should have a good understanding of their child’s referral documentation, we also recommend having your referral documents reviewed by a pediatrician that specializes in International Adoption. We have a list of physicians throughout the United States, but we highly recommend Dr. Jane Aronson. Dr. Aronson, is not only a physician but she is also an adoptive parent. Her website is also a wonderful resource for parents: http://www.orphandoctor.com
Parenting & Childhood Development - 19 - Parenting & Childhood Development - 20 - Parenting & Childhood Development
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Parenting & Childhood Development - 22 - Developmental Milestones
Below is a guideline of age appropriate developmental milestones:
I am 3 months old! I……
*turn toward bright colors and lights *follow moving toys or faces with my eyes *recognize or know the bottle *respond to loud or new sounds *reach for and grasp toys or hair *wiggle and kick with legs and arms *lift my head and shoulders while on my stomach *smile back at my caregivers *make sounds, like gurgling, cooing or babbling
I am 6 months old! I……
*turn toward voices *reach for toys and pick them up *roll over front to back and back to front *play with my toes *if fed bottle, help hold my bottle during feeding *recognize familiar faces *babble, squeal, and repeat vowel sounds like ooh, -ae, -e
I am 9 months old! I……
*copy sounds or gestures *reach for crumbs or other small things with my thumb and fingers *move toys from one hand to the other *support myself with my arms straightened when I am on my stomach *sit unassisted
I am 12 months old! I……
*respond to my name *look for an object if you hide it from me, even if I can’t see it *crawl on my hands and knees *pull myself to a standing position *walk by holding onto furniture *can drink from a cup with your help *enjoy playing games like peek-a-boo and patty cake *say 1 to 2 words
Parenting & Childhood Development - 23 - I am 18 months old! I……
*like to pull and push things *follow simple directions *pull off shoes and socks *feed myself sometimes *step off low objects and keep balance *turn 2 to 3 pages of a book at a time *can point to one body part *can name one object *like to copy your words or actions
I am 21 months old! I……
*can name two objects *like to pretend-play *can put together a simple picture puzzle if it has only 2 or 3 large pieces *like to throw balls *like to play alone with toys for a short time *say “No” a lot
I am 24 months old! I……
*use 2 to 3 words together, like “No, Mommy” or “More cookies” *say names of toys and people *feed myself with a spoon *turn one page at a time *point to hair, eyes and nose when someone asks me *show affection to family members and pets *run short distances without falling
I am 36 months old! I……
*answer simple questions *walk up steps, alternating feet *put my clothes on by myself *open simple containers *like to play with other children *repeat simple rhymes and songs *use 3 to 5 word sentences *name at least one color correctly *jump in place
Parenting & Childhood Development - 24 - Early Childhood Intervention
Children in orphanages are often behind their peers in size and developmental milestones. Most children quickly begin the process of catching up on their developmental milestones after they arrive home with their family. If you have concerns that your child is not reaching some of these developmental milestones talk with your doctor.
Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) helps babies and toddlers with disabilities or delays in their development. Early Childhood Intervention Specialists can work as a team along with the family to develop and outline services for the child. Together you can plan appropriate services and activities. Services are typically provided in the home or in a community setting to help promote basic skills as part of the child’s daily routine.
Early Childhood Intervention Services should include:
*Screening and assessments, including vision and hearing *physical, occupational, speech and language development *activities to develop learning and eating skills *activities to help social and emotional development *assistive technology *nutritional services *supporting child care or preschool teachers of enrolled children *family education and counseling *access to support groups *coordination of services
Bonding and Attachment
We’re fortunate. Our children are loved and well cared for in China and they bond and attach with their nannies and foster parents. Once a child has experienced bonding and attachment, he or she can bond and attach again with someone else. Most Great Wall parents tell us that their children make eye contact right away. They snuggle and settle into their new parents’ arms as if they’d been friends forever. In other words, they bond and attach easily and quickly.
This information should only be used as a guideline; please consult your healthcare provider if you have concerns.
Attachment Disorder
Attachment disorder (AD) is a condition in which individuals have difficulty forming loving, lasting intimate relationships. Attachment disorders vary in severity, but the term is usually reserved for individuals who show a nearly complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others. They typically fail to develop a conscience and do not learn to trust.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 25 - Children with healthy attachment to a loving caregiver Feel secure and loved Can attain their potential Can develop reciprocal relationships Develop a conscience Cope with stress and anxiety Become self-reliant.
Children who do not have healthy attachments with a loving caregiver display some or many of these behaviors. These children: Do not trust caregivers or adults in authority Have extreme control problems, manifested in covertly manipulative or overtly hostile ways Do not develop a moral foundation: no empathy, no remorse, no conscience, no compassion for others Lack the ability to give and receive genuine affection or love Resist all efforts to nurture or guide them Lack cause-and-effect thinking Act out negatively, provoke anger in others Lie, steal, cheat, manipulate Are destructive, cruel, argumentative or hostile Lack self-control, are impulsive Are superficially charming and engaging.
The process of developing healthy attachments can be disrupted by: Abuse, neglect, abandonment Multiple changes in caregivers, foster care, inconsistent day care Adoption Painful illness Prenatal exposure to alcohol/drugs Maternal depression.
Parents of children with attachment disorder frequently: Feel isolated and depressed Feel frustrated and stressed Are hyper vigilant, agitated, have difficulty concentrating Are confused, puzzled, obsessed with finding answers Feel blamed by family, friends, and professionals Feel helpless, hopeless, and angry Feel that the helping profession minimizes problems.
Attachment is essential for the foundation of a healthy personality and is necessary for: The attainment of full intellectual potential The ability to think logically The development of conscience The ability to cope with stress and frustration
Parenting & Childhood Development - 26 - Becoming self-reliant The development of relationships The ability to handle fear and worry The ability to handle any perceived threat to self.
Attachment Development The first-year-of-life emotional cycle consists of:
(1) NEED (2) RAGE REACTION
(3) GRATIFICATION OR RELIEF (4) TRUST
Necessary input includes Eye contact Movement Touch and smiles Gratification of needs.
Milton Erikson’s Theory of Trust vs. Mistrust
Erikson believed the vital conflict is trust vs. mistrust. When a caretaker/parent is consistent and dependable, the baby develops a sense of basic trust. The baby builds this trust when he or she is cold, wet or hungry and can count on others to relieve her pain. The alternative is a sense of mistrust, the feeling that the caretaker/parent is undependable and may not be there when needed.
When an infant's needs are not recognized, the world may seem chaotic and unpredictable. Sometimes the infant's cries are met with milk and cuddling; sometimes the infant is ignored or scolded. If the infant is left to cry for long periods of time, chemical reactions occur in the brain that may not only alter it's physiology, but may also predispose that infant's perception of the world as being neglectful of him.
Unresponsiveness sends a message to the unknowing infant that the world is really an arbitrary and unfriendly place. Or, perhaps the message received is that he is unworthy of affection and attention. One message is clear. His distress call is not being heard, nor calmed. Under such circumstances, the infant could very well develop a basic mistrust of the world or a sense of profound unimportance.
When babies have developed a sense of trust in their caretaker/parent, they show it in their behavior. The first sign of trust in a caretaker/parent comes when the baby is willing to let them out of sight without undue anxiety or rage.
Early in the caretaker/child relationship a child may be reasonably concerned when the caretaker leaves but it is important that a child develop a favorable balance of trust over mistrust. This
Parenting & Childhood Development - 27 - should happen in the first 12 months of life in order to develop a sense of hope and belief that the world is a good place. Hope enables a person to move forward into the world and take up new challenges. The way in which infants resolve this first conflict determines the energy and vitality they will have for other stages in life.
Infants are biologically prepared to guide caretakers and parents with respect to the experiences they need, and the relationship will develop most happily when the infant’s cues are followed. Parents should follow their impulses to go to their babies when they cry, return their smiles, etc. At the same time, parents should not always take the initiative, for example, insisting on being close to the child whether the child wants it or not. Pushing unwanted attention onto a child can produce an ‘over-mothered’ child. The parent is not taking cues from the child.
Suggestions School Teachers & Counselors Sometimes it is difficult to be positive toward children who didn’t have their needs met the first year of life, but knowing how the first year of life affects children should help the school teacher/counselor be empathic. This does not mean children shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions. These students can change, it just takes awhile.
The school teacher/counselor must show trust but should not be manipulated by the child. Show positive regard, eye contact and good listening skills. Building a relationship with the child is essential. The child should be provided with many encounters where he/she sees the teacher/counselor demonstrate dependability. This can help the child learn to trust.
Teachers and counselors need to be alert to lying, manipulations, cons and blaming others for the child’s misbehavior. This is the defense mechanism the child has developed to deal with a world he or she can’t trust. Confront these behaviors in the light that the child sees the world as bad and unsafe, and is just trying to deal with it the only way he knows how. Encourage the child to express her feelings.
Another subject to consider is hope. Older children may have little hope for a better future. The teacher/counselor should explore various ways these children they can control their own future. Regaining hope is one of the primary tasks for children who didn’t successfully pass through the important early stage.
Patience is essential when dealing with these children. They will often try to pull you into negativity. The teacher/counselor must be determined to stay positive and accepting while also being willing to be confrontational when necessary. This is a very difficult balancing act but can have very positive results.
Symptoms of Attachment Disorder
Signs that an infant is at high risk for developing an attachment disorder are:
Weak crying response or raging and/or constant whining
Parenting & Childhood Development - 28 - Tactile defensiveness Poor clinging and extreme resistance to cuddling: The child seems “stiff as a board” Poor sucking response Poor eye contact, lack of tracking No reciprocal smile response Indifference to others Failure to respond with recognition to Mother or Father Rejecting soothing by parent when hurt or afraid.
Even young children can exhibit signs of not attaching. While these behaviors may be temporary and may not indicate attachment disorder, the cause should be determined if your child is:
superficially engaging and charming Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers Destructive to self, others and things Lacking in concern for others Developmentally lagging (beyond the adoption norm) Unwilling to make eye contact (on parent’s terms) except when lying Not cuddly with parents Lacking cause-and-effect thinking Poor in relationships with peers Inappropriately demanding or clinging Stealing or lying Demonstrating a lack of conscience Engaging in persistent nonsense questions or incessant chatter Demonstrating poor impulse control Demonstrating abnormal speech patterns Fighting for control over everything Preoccupied with fire, blood or gore Experiencing eating, sleeping and toileting disorders Lacking mutual enjoyment with interactions Responding poorly to discipline (is aggressive and oppositional).
Keys to Bonding
There are many things parents can do to promote bonding and attachment. For example; Establish and maintain frequent eye contact Touch and offer unrehearsed caresses Engage in movement such as rocking and bouncing Smile. The smile in the caretaker’s eyes is the child’s focus Provide frequent interactions to encourage reciprocity on parent’s terms Sing a favorite song together Recite nursery rhymes together Play imitation games that require the child to respond to the parent Work together, parent and child, in a reciprocal way
Parenting & Childhood Development - 29 - Do chores together in a fun way Do activities that the child completes on parent’s terms that enable a child to feel he or she is able to give back Re-do early developmental stages the child may have missed Demonstrate affection regardless of response Let the child’s signals, rather than the parent’s needs or wishes, set the agenda Be consistent and predictable Avoid control battles. In control battles both parties lose. Try win-win approaches such as “when you do this, I will do that…” Laminate a photo of a parent and the child, let the child wear it around her neck Play audiotapes for the child of the parent’s soothing, loving voice Hold the child cradled in the parent’s arms – make eye contact, rock and sing Rub lotion on each other Feed each other Rub noses together Show mock surprise, joy
In the first months home ideally the parent should be the only one to feed and hold a child who has demonstrated an attachment disorder.
It is helpful if the parent: Is firm, consistent and loving Praises what the child does right Listens actively to the child’s behavior. All behavior sends a message. What message is the child sending? Encourages verbal expression of feelings Accepts the child’s feelings. The parent shouldn’t try to talk the child out of what she feels Explores choices for handling feelings Helps the child understand the consequences of choice Promotes continuity with the child’s past. For example, creating a scrapbook with pictures, words or thoughts about the child as an infant, as a slightly older infant, and so on until the present. The scrapbook could reflect the child’s early life in China, meeting the adoptive parents, travel to the U.S. and so on.
Over the past century, activities that led naturally to bonding and attachment have been replaced by activities that were more convenient for the parents. The introduction of formula and bottle- feeding (especially bottle-propping) reduced frequent skin-to-skin contact and eliminated the encoding of the olfactory (smell) sensory mechanism that some consider crucial to intimacy.
Infants are placed in cribs, playpens, swings, strollers and bouncers that reduce the amount of time the infant spends with the parent. For the purpose of attachment, baby wearing and having the infant in the family bed would be more helpful to the attachment process.
Allowing infants to cry themselves to sleep or to cry for increasingly longer periods of time in an attempt to "sleep train" them for the sake of parental convenience, goes against the natural
Parenting & Childhood Development - 30 - process of developing a sense of trust. This may lead to stress, exhaustion and other emotional issues.
When young infants are subjected to numerous caregivers who offer varying degrees of sensitivity and responsiveness, the attachment process can be hindered. Fortunately, nannies and foster parents in China all tend to be very loving and responsive, and the child perceives the care as available and consistent.
Jean Liedloff, author of The Continuum Concept suggests that the parent/child relationship should include
A high level of physical contact with the mother or another familiar caregiver including baby-wearing and co-sleeping Caregivers immediately responding to the child’s signals (squirming, crying, etc.), without judgment, displeasure, or invalidation of his needs, yet showing no undue concern nor making her the constant center of attention Signals that help the child sense that she is welcome and worthy.
Of course no parent can or should jump at every little signal the baby gives, but the child’s overall experience should be that her signals are effective in getting a response that caregivers are available and willing to respond.
Fears of spoiling the child by responding to her cries and other bids for attention should be replaced with knowing a child’s needs must be met for the child to know that her world is safe and predictable, that her parents are loving and that her needs will be met.
Suggestions to Help the Older Child Bond and Attach
The child might struggle with these simple requests because it requires them to give control to the parent. Releasing control is a very difficult process for a child with attachment disorder.
Get the child to agree to ask the parent’s assistance and permission for everything. The goal is to restore the missed bonding with the parent from the first year cycle. A repeated request to the parent gives the parent the tool to offer repeated gratification/relief. Require the child to make eye contact when asking for things. And, when asking, to reinforce the question with the terms "Mom" or "Dad" as appropriate.
Many people who are diagnosed with AD are considered very intelligent. They use their intellect to manipulate people and their environment. They do not want to let anyone with authority have any control over their lives.
A child with AD can display charming behaviors around adults as they attempt to control them, and so other children are often the first to express problems existing in the AD environment.
The parent can help the child let go of control by:
Parenting & Childhood Development - 31 - Removing their control Altering normal schedule patterns Keeping the child busy or having her do quiet sitting Using physical exercise for discipline.
Teaching the child to be compliant leads to reciprocity. The parent might periodically have the child sit in a designated area (often called practicing "good sitting"). The goal of good sitting is not to degrade or control the child, but to teach her positive self-control. It’s important to not institute a control battle.
Children with attention disorder benefit by having a strong (not mean) parent, but at the same time, the parent needs to try to create a fun and unique family structure. Creating fun times – family movie night, popcorn and candy, or a Sunday drive – are beneficial for everyone.
Signs the Child is Bonding to the Parent
The child: Prefers a parent (especially the mother) over other adults Goes to a parent for comfort Tries to feed a parent Engages in reciprocal smiling Shares mutual enjoyment Brings a parent toys, tries to engage a parent in play Is spontaneously affectionate to a parent Makes good eye contact Likes to be praised, wants to please a parent. Helpful Tips for When you Meet Your Child
Clothing
On Gotcha Day (the day you are finally receive your child), your first instinct may be to change her clothing. But consider this, one of the only things that will remain familiar to your child are the clothes she is wearing; they smell like the only home she has ever known. Instead, allow her time to adjust to her surroundings. When you do change her clothing, keep an article of the clothing she was wearing on her Gotcha Day near her when she sleeps. Do this throughout your trip, until you return home. That way she will have a sense of the familiar in her new surroundings.
Touch
Touch is a very important element of bonding. While you are in China, if possible, hold your child as much as possible. Carry a backpack instead of a diaper bag so that your arms will be free to hold and support your child. Using a Snugli is also a great idea.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 32 -
Sound
While you are in China, The sound of the television can often be a comforting sound to your child. If you child becomes upset, turn on the television in your hotel room. Hearing the Chinese actors speak is one way of bringing more of the familiar to their environment.
Feeding
Feeding is a wonderful way to bond with your child. Remember to be patient and feed the child slowly with a lot of close holding and attention to the body language of your child.
Babies less than one year of age should be fed formula with iron, either milk or soy. Some orphanages will provide you with a week’s supply of powered Chinese formula. Formula can also be purchased in a grocery store while you are in China. Most babies living in orphanages in China are actually feeding on a very dilute version of milk-based formula with additional rice conge cereal, steamed eggs, and an occasional banana and orange.
It is a good idea to gradually introduce your baby to new food items. Please remember that a sudden change in diet may cause digestion problems for your baby.
Steps to Build a Healthy Attachment
A healthy bond begins by meeting your child’s basic needs. Below is a basic model for building attachment and trust.
The child has a need for warmth, food, shelter, etc. and experiences discomfort in some way.
The child expresses this need or demonstrates their discomfort by crying. Depending on age, the child may signal their discomfort verbally or through body language.
The child’s need is met quickly and consistently by the parent.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 33 -
The child feels a sense of comfort and satisfactions now that their need has been met and the feeling of discomfort has been relieved.
This in turn reinforces their interaction with their parent thereby reinforcing trust and attachment between the child and parent.
For more information on attachment and attachment issues for children adopted from China visit: http://www.attach‐china.org/
Nutrition
Proper nutrition and diet is a key element of your child’s development. Institutionalized children do not typically receive the necessary nutrients that promote a healthy diet. Below is a listing of foods that are excellent sources of nutrition for your child:
Sources of Iron: eggs, peas, watermelon, prunes, asparagus, spinach, whole grains, green vegetables, tomato juice, strawberries, raisins, bananas, dried apricots and figs, apple sauce and apple juice, red meat, sweet potatoes, peanut butter
Sources of Vitamin C: oranges, grapefruit, pineapple, tomatoes, broccoli, strawberries, cauliflower, cabbage, brussel sprouts and cantaloupe
Sources of Vitamin A: broccoli, carrots, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, tomato, spinach and other dark green leafy vegetables, apricots, cantaloupe, and watermelon
Sources of Protein: cheese, eggs, peanut butter, noodles/ravioli, red meat, chicken, tuna
Snacks can fill a child up. Keep between-meal snacks to a minimum. Give water and juice (between meals and milk feedings) to satisfy thirst (especially in hot weather), but don’t go overboard. On the days your child doesn’t eat well, review the snacks they received. Too many snacks may result in poor eating habits.
End a meal if your child gets really fussy or just wants to play with food. When your child starts to fuss or play it probably means that they have had enough to eat. Don’t let a big battle start because your child doesn’t want to eat or you don’t want to waste food. Your child will be ready to eat better at the next meal.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 34 - It is important to be relaxed about introducing new foods. If needed, introduce new foods slowly, allowing time for your child to adjust to these new tastes and textures. Do not rush through mealtimes. Meals should be a fun time for you and your child. Talk and/or sing to your child during mealtime. Use touch to let your child know that mealtime is a special time. Since hunger is a basic human need, eating is a big part of the bonding process. Meals should be a pleasant time to nurture and interact with your child.
Helping your Child Sleep Through the Night
1. Establish a pleasant and predictable bedtime routine. Children need a familiar routine, we recommend reading your child bedtime stories or even making them up. Kiss and hug your child “goodnight” each night. Remember; whether it be a toy, doll, or a blanket, all children want their security objects nearby. Finish the bedtime ritual before your child falls asleep.
2. If your child has nightmare or bedtime fears, reassure them. In contrast to manipulative behavior, never punish or ignore fears.
3. Once put to bed, your child should stay there. Some older infants may have bedtime temper tantrums. They may protest about bedtime. You should overlook these protests, ignoring any ongoing questions or demands. Remember, consistency will prevail.
4. Don’t worry about the amount of sleep your child is getting. Sleep requirements vary greatly among different people and at different ages. The best assurance that your child is getting adequate sleep is that he/she is not tired during the day. Naps are important to young children, but keep them less than 2 to 3 hours each. Children typically give up their morning naps between 18 and 24 months of age and their afternoon naps between 3 and 6 years of age.
5. Switch from a crib to a bed at 2 to 3 years of age. Change sooner if your child learns how to climb out of a crib with the springs at the lowest setting.
It is not uncommon for adopted Chinese children to experience night terrors. Though there are a multitude of triggers, emotional stress is thought to precipitate most episodes. Ensuring that the right amount of sleep is gained also seems to be important. The consensus for treating night terror episodes is three-pronged: gentleness, disposal of anything nearby that might hurt the victim, and avoiding loud voices or movements that might frighten the victim further. Night terrors are so transitory that medical help is often unnecessary.
If your child sounds fearful or panics when you leave the room, immediately reassure them. Stay as long as it takes from your child to calm down, but do not remove them from their crib or bed. At the most, sit in a chair next to their crib or bed. Use touch to reassure your child. Don’t talk much and leave the lights out. Leave for a few minutes every now and then to teach your child that separation is tolerable. If necessary, do the same at naptime.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 35 - Important information for Adoptive Parents Understanding Post Adoption Depression Syndrome
The general population recognizes post-partum depression as a natural and expected part of the birth process. Most people identify those feelings of anxiety with "just getting those hormones back into kilter." But, the truth is that many adoptive parents also suffer from the same post placement depression, and feel very confused when they cannot rely on the "hormone theory" to explain their feelings.
Some clients describe the feeling as panic. Some say it is a gross feeling of inadequacy for the total responsibility for this little person. Others describe it as a "cloudy blue feeling", while others go as far as to call it a depression. What I call it is Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome, (PADS).
There are several other very likely reasons to explain theses common feelings shortly after the placement of the baby. Perhaps one of the most reasonable explanations is the completion of one of life's biggest goals. Parenthood has loomed as an almost unattainable goal for so many adoptive families for such a long time. Reaching that goal has required time, money, effort, emotional strain, and patience.
Suddenly the emotional rush from the attainment of this long desired goal is exhilarating. How can almost anything compare ever again in terms of emotional satisfaction of finally being a parent. Likewise, how can any of us keep that level of emotional high forever?
Another reason that PADS can occur is the unique stresses of the adoption process itself. Many adoptive parents feel that they must face and sometimes resolve their feelings about infertility again with the placement of a child. Insensitive questions about your infertility and the reasons that you chose adoption can bring back a whole series of feelings that you thought may have been resolved earlier.
It is important to recognize that adoptive parents also go through many of the same stress points that birth parents go through as new parents. Stress adjustment scales indicate that factors like the addition of a new family member, added financial responsibility, lack of sleep, increased family responsibilities all contribute to rising stress levels. These stresses are often enhanced with adoptive families. The cost of the adoption is usually more than the cost of a birth. Lack of sleep and increased family responsibilities are compounded with the adoptive family by the limited paid maternity leave that many companies allow for the adoption of a child.
Clearly, PADS is a real feeling for many adoptive couples. Below are some suggestions that can help you as a new adoptive parent deal with these feelings:
1. Recognize that Post Adoption Depression Syndrome is common and there are several valid reasons for feeling down after your child is placed with you. This does not mean that you have made a bad decision or are different from many other new parents.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 36 - 2. Being anxiety ridden about certain legal risks and unresolved/unexpected issues is often a major source of stress. As adoptive parents, we must all accept the fact that with adoption comes certain risks. But, before accepting an adoptive situation make sure that the risks are ones that you can comfortably handle. It is a good plan to keep your head in control when evaluating each potential adoption situation. Once the baby is placed in your arms, the head control is usual replaced by heart control. Ask questions and know in your head the limit that your heart can endure.
3. Go to an infant parenting seminar. These seminars are often a part of child birthing classes at most hospitals. Call your local hospital to see when a class is being offered. Some hospitals will even allow a neonatal nurse to work one on one with you to show you how to care for your new born. Added confidence can relieve some of your feelings of anxiety and inadequacy about properly caring for this little, but very demanding little bundle.
4. Arrange for time to adjust to your new status. Unfortunately, many companies do not allow adoptive parents to take paid time off. Many families simply cannot afford to take time away from work without pay. Consequently one alternative is to rearrange your work schedule, if possible, to be more flexible for the first six - eight weeks. Another suggestion is to make plans for food and other necessities for the initial weeks in advance. Paper plates, utensils, and cups can also cut down on work time and give you more time to relax and adjust.
5. Many adoptive couples feel that they must be super parents. After returning home they simply leap back into their scheduled activities: work, church, school, meetings, etc. Remember that birth parents usually take six weeks off of regularly scheduled activities. This time is not just for the healing of the body, but also for adjustment and bonding to the baby. Allow yourself the same time frame to adjust. Take a sabbatical from other responsibilities for six weeks and learn to love your baby.
6. Join an adoption support group, if you have not done so already. Share your feelings with others. Adoptive parents are not superhuman. They are real parents, who get tired, irritable, and have REAL feelings. Share your feelings with another adoptive parent in the support group.
Bringing your baby home is one of the highlights in your life. It is the beginning of a long and wonderful journey called parenthood. As with most journeys, there can be detours and bumpy spots in the road. Learning where the pot holes are makes the journey a little bit smoother.
For more information on Post Adoption Depression Syndrome and other related topics, please visit the following websites: http://iparentingadoption.com/resources/articles/postadoption.htm http://www.adoption.org/adopt/post-adoption-depression.php http://www.preventchildabuse.com/shaken.htm
Parenting & Childhood Development - 37 - Conclusion
It would be impossible to cover all the ground work for what is needed to for good parenting skills and positive childhood development. This packet is designed to be a starting point. As we have stated, we strongly encourage families to educate themselves prior to traveling to China. Take that knowledge you have gained with you and use it, but remember to be realistic about your child and your situations. But most importantly, act naturally. Let you expectations of the situation fall away. When you are with your child, do just that, be with you child. Given them your full attention, they will need this especially in the beginning.
In the event that you do have concerns, let the knowledge you have gained before hand guide you through those situations. Express your concerns to your GWCA China Guide and/or other families. Use your support system and focus on finding a solution.
Each child is different and each child will respond at their own pace. The information that you will learn and that is provided in the packet should serve as a guide. It is important to remember that children thrive best in a relaxed environment in which they can enjoy their family and themselves.
We hope this information will be helpful to you as you prepare for the road ahead. There are many resources out there for adoptive families; we encourage all families to learn more and to support each other in a positive light.
References
This information was collected from a variety of sources deemed to be reliable however Great Wall China Adoption does not warrant or assume any legal liability or responsibility for the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any information disclosed.
Bookstores and online bookstores (where older books can still be found) are a good resource for books on adoption and attachment. For example:
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents by Deborah Gray
Real Parents, Real Children; Parenting the Adopted Child by Holly van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience by Betty Lifton.
How it Feels to Be Adopted, Jill Krementz
Please note that the resources noted are for the convenience of the reader and Great Wall China Adoption is not responsible for the availability or content of these resources.
Parenting & Childhood Development - 38 -