College Vice Vol. 1 No. 1
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Connecticut College Digital Commons @ Connecticut College 2001-2002 Student Newspapers 4-1-2002 College Vice Vol. 1 No. 1 Connecticut College Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.conncoll.edu/ccnews_2001_2002 Recommended Citation Connecticut College, "College Vice Vol. 1 No. 1" (2002). 2001-2002. 5. https://digitalcommons.conncoll.edu/ccnews_2001_2002/5 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at Digital Commons @ Connecticut College. It has been accepted for inclusion in 2001-2002 by an authorized administrator of Digital Commons @ Connecticut College. For more information, please contact [email protected]. The views expressed in this paper are solely those of the author. First Cla~s U.S. Postage PAID Permit #35 • New London, CT Pf./BUSNED WEEKLY BY THE STUDENTS OF CONNECflCUT COLLEGE VOLUME I • NUMBER I DAY I A.T. (ANNO TIM-IN THE J%lII OF TIM) CONNECTICUT COLLEGE, NEW LONDON, CI INSIDE: Student Spontaneously Combusts in Cro Obsession Over Late Night Menu the Suspected Cause At Left: The scene of Sophomore NEWS Francis LeBlanc's (inset) Laz Declares Independence from spontaneous combustion, Connecticut College as marked by the white circle, in the Crozie.... Williams Student Center. Amakeshift memorial has begun to form around the chalk outline where his ashes settled with people placing flowers, photo- graphs and small trin- kets. One passerby A&E described the scene as, God pays surprise visit to Conn to "pretty tame considering decry current state of the music the guy burst into industry flames," SPORTS Conn's undefeated football team discovered by campus at large By PABLO MUEKfE little sense the menu makes. He doesn't who, having just completed a dance understand why a tuna melt costs 3,25 while STAFF WRITE' rehearsal, decided to grab a breakfast a tuna melt, fries, and soda costs 3.95. Then sandwich before returning to her dorm. A recent transfer, Francis LeBlanc '04 Electricity Cut he started to go on and on about how ridicu- She was closest to the horror that fol- had become fast friends with Eric Clives '04, lous it was that a ham, egg, and cheese cost lowed, "I ordered a ham, egg, and Allison Menkins '04, and Charles Ellis '05, less than a grilled ham and cheese even cheese on an English muffin and he all of whom lived down the hall from him in From Budget, though you get more with the ham, egg, and overheard me, He pushed in front of me Burdick. Declaring Friday to be movie night, cheese." and starting just interrogating the the four would always end up in LeBlanc's "He did that sort of thing all the time," cashier about how I could get a ham, egg, room watching the movies and talking. brought to Lawrence Memorial where they Water Clives elaborated, "complaining how this or and cheese when he couldn't get a grilled This past Friday was no different until were treated for third degree burns on their that didn't make any sense, Chuck and I ham and cheese." around 12:30, Menkins and LeBlanc decided hands and released, don't even pretend to listen anymore. Allie Rebuffed by the cashier, LeBlanc tore they were starving and wanted to get some- "It is a horrible thing to lose any member Possibly Next still does, but I think it is just because it gives into a tirade, yelling and running through thing to eat at Cro. "Francis and I had gotten of the Connecticut College community," an her an excuse to stare at him," Cro, Menkins attempted to cool him, but it really drunk the night before and". well, administrator told the Voice after receiving By MORRiS BlINjAMIN Jennifer Zanfardino '03 overheard did little good. "He was in his own world. He some stuff happened, Anyways, we both got confirmation that the ashes were Leblanc's LeBlanc's monologue and found it to be less could not hear a word Iwas saying." STAFF WRITER early Saturday afternoon, "particularly in really weird about it and avoided dinner so than impressive, ,According to Zanfardino, Eventually, Clives and Ellis were able to such a strange and brutal way." we didn't have to see each other. He called "He just wouldn't shut up. I guess the menu In what students and faculty alike are captur~ the hysterical LeBlanc and began to Clives remains stunned nearly a week me later and we talked and decided the doesn't make sense, but I think there are calling "the harshest budget-related prob- drag him, still screaming towards the door, later. "It is just so weird. like something out whole thing was just stupid, but by then din- more important things like, I don't know, the lem since the price changes on the late Almost there, the two were forced to let go of of the tabloids, I still don't know if I really ner was already closed," Menkins explained, apocalypse, to worry about." night menu at the Oasis (see related arti- him because, according to Ellis, "it was like believe he's dead," her voice cracking, "If only I'd called first, After LeBlanc's diatribe petered out, he cle on Oasis price-changes causing a stu- holding a buming log," "It is a hard thing to accept and I'll miss an hour before even, Francis would still be ordered the grilled ham and cheese whose dent to spontaneously combust)," Free once more, LeBlanc ran back the guy," Ellis echoed Clives' statement, alive," price he had just devoted a minute's worth of Connecticut CoJlege's electrical power towards the counter of Oasis, He suddenly "But you have to ask yourself, if he was this Ellis and Clives agreed to come along his life complaining about. Given that the was cut in the early hours of last Saturday stopped and shook. A bright light flashed tightly wound, wasn't it really just a matter and the quartet departed for Cro, It was here Oasis was on to the late night menu, they morning. through Cro and all that was left of LeBlanc of time." that the evening took a radical turn for the were no longer serving grilled ham and "It was completely unexpected," was a pile of ash, LeBlanc's parents have asked that dona- worst. cheese, Disappointed, LeBlanc stepped out remarked Logan McGruff '03. "I got up Ambulances arrived moments later and tions be given to the Foundation for the Says Ellis, "The first thing that happens of line to reconsider his order. and tried to tum on my lights, but they collected the ashes as Menkins fell to her Ending of Spontaneous Combustion in lieu is Fran just starts to go on and on about how Behind him was Ashli Eisenmann '03 wouldn't turn on, I just assumed a trans- knees and wept. Ellis and Clives were also of flowers, former blew or something and the elec- tricity would be back on later in the day, but it wasn't." All of Conn's Money Problems Seemingly Solved Nor did the electricity return the next day, or any of the remaining five days of the week that followed, Responding to a confused and bewildered campus com- President Fainstein and Willis Discover Miracle Package on Doorstep munity, the office of Vice-President of Finance Paul Maroni issued the follow- By TIlE GRIMACE over 900 million dollars, ing statement: STAFF WRITER Via bulletin broadcast review the campus was informed and sponta- "As the campus community is well aware, these are trying times for neous celebration ensued. "This is amazing," SGA President Anne Baker It was the sort of thing that happens in a Capra movie, not in real life, '02 shouted over the din of one such party, "it is like Conn can start fresh Connecticut CoJlege financially, We have And yet, when President Fainstein opened his door Tuesday morning to once more, All the things people complain about, the lack of electricity, forced to make many sacrifices that We retrieve the paper, he was stunned to find 12 large bags of money on his it is all a thing of the past." (See related story on the termination of elec- haven't wanted to make in order to con- doorstep with a card reading, "To Solve Connecticut College's tricity to the college), tain the situation as best we can. In a Budgetary Problems, From an Anonymous Donor," Fainstein warned not to be so quick to assume that Conn was in fact recent meeting of the Board of Trustees, oJIwas stunned," Fainstein confessed, "] mean, I had been praying for out of the woods. "It is intoxicating to have all this money, this sweet, it was decided that electricity, while cer- money to rain down on the campus from heaven, but I did not expect sweet money, piles of it, everywhere, far as the eye can see" all of it for tainly beneficial, is not essential for life, this." Conn, for Conn!" Fainstein paused, regathering himself, "I am sorry, As Furthermore, it was determined that the After he and his dog, Willis, checked the money to verify it was not cost of maintaining working electricity I was saying, it is intoxicating to have suddenly received alI this money, counterfeit and that no large-scale bank heists had occurred recently, but we must be frugal with it, To spend it all at once may make things on the campus carries a greater monetary Fainstein felt confident that the money was indeed Conn's, responsibility than the college can afford better in the moment, but who knows about how it stands to effect the Bringing the money to Vice President of Finance Paul Maroni's schools future." at this time." office, the two spent most of the day counting it and, Maroni admitted, The loss of electricity has caused "Besides," he added, "there are several properties downtown I have "swimming through it like Scrooge McDuck used to do at the beginning my eye on." many students and faculty members to of Ducktales.