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Men and Romantic Relationships : a Qualitative Study of Men and Intimacy

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Men and Romantic Relationships : a Qualitative Study of Men and Intimacy University of Massachusetts Amherst ScholarWorks@UMass Amherst Doctoral Dissertations 1896 - February 2014 1-1-1985 Men and romantic relationships : a qualitative study of men and intimacy. Steven A. Berman University of Massachusetts Amherst Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarworks.umass.edu/dissertations_1 Recommended Citation Berman, Steven A., "Men and romantic relationships : a qualitative study of men and intimacy." (1985). Doctoral Dissertations 1896 - February 2014. 3988. https://scholarworks.umass.edu/dissertations_1/3988 This Open Access Dissertation is brought to you for free and open access by ScholarWorks@UMass Amherst. It has been accepted for inclusion in Doctoral Dissertations 1896 - February 2014 by an authorized administrator of ScholarWorks@UMass Amherst. For more information, please contact [email protected]. MEN AND ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: A QUALITATIVE STUDY OF MEN AND INTIMACY A Dissertation Presented By STEVEN ALLEN BERMAN Submitted to the Graduate School of the University of Massachusetts in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF EDUCATION May 1985 School of Education MEN AND ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: A QUALITATIVE STUDY OF MEN AND INTIMACY A Dissertation Presented By STEVEN ALLEN BERMAN Approved as to style and content by: -- )UmJ^- Sheryl) Riechmann-Hruska, Chairperson of Committee ( frr* Don Banks, Member /) Howard Gadlin, Member Mario Fantini, Dean ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This study owes much to: Vivien Weiss, Stephen L. Forman, Carol Pope, David Kinsey, Abbie Fink, Pamela Mills- Forman, Benson Forman, Ivy Colbert, Jeff McQueen, Amy Kahn, Sig VanRaan, Perry Garfinkle, Marcy Klapper, Laury Binney, Michael Shandler, Nina Shandler, Rob Brandt, Joan Swerdlow Brandt, Carolyn Colby, Robin Karson, Bob Brody, Estelle Gorfine, Roberta Issler, Joe Goren, Cindy Chandler-Worth, and John Colby. Faculty members at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst gave generously and wisdomfully to me. Their insights, in particular those relating to family systems, are reflected in the pages of this dissertation. I would like to thank Drs. Evan Imber Coppersmith, William Mathews, and Jack Wideman. In addition, Drs. Don Banks, George Levinger, Howard Gadlin and Sheryl Riechmann-Hruska offered continuing encouragement and editorial insight. Staff members of the Northampton Area Mental Health Clinic in Northampton, Massachusetts, afforded me glimpses into modern psychoanalytic/psychodynamic thinking. I am especially grateful to Drs. Michael Karson and Lorraine Yasinski for their time and intellectual stimulation. Most of all, I am indebted to the hundreds of men and women who allowed me to interview them about their romantic relationships. Confidentiality does not permit me to name IV them here. But I again want to thank each one of them Their cont ibution to this study is inestimable. i V ABSTRACT MEN AND ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS: A QUALITATIVE STUDY OF MEN AND INTIMACY May 1985 Steven Allen Berman, B.A., Colgate University M.Ed., University of Massachusetts, Ed.D., University of Massachusetts Directed by: Professor Sheryl Riechmann-Hruska The researcher presents and examines certain recurring psychological obstacles men encounter in long-term, love relationships. The issues of dependency, autonomy, anger, jealousy, infidelity, and the complex logistics of spouses finding time to be together are explored. Using a qualitative research method based on three hundred tape-recorded interviews with heterosexual men, the researcher first defines these six recurring problematic and inter¬ related issues. He then offers psychotherapeutic stratagems for coping with them. The study acknowledges and relies on psychoanalytic and family systems theories in its elucidation of these various psychological obstacles. Adult developmental theory and an analysis of the mass media's effect on men's attitudes about marriage are also included. TABLE OF CONTENTS I. INTRODUCTION. ***•••••••• 1 Scope and Purpose. ^ Review of Existing Literature. ..*[[*[** 3 II. METHOD. .14 Design Overview for the Complete Study . 14 Part I: Initial interviews.. Subjects.* ’ * Procedure.’ 18 Analysis.[ * * 2i Results.'.[ ’ 23 The obstacles.] * ] ’ 25 The interview guide.* 28 Part II: Structured interviews.31 Subjects.’ 21 Procedure and instrumentation.32 Analysis.. Brief summary of method. 33 Fleshing Out the Six Obstacles.33 Summary.. III. THE EXTINCTION OBSTACLE.38 Definition.. How the Obstacle Operates in Romantic Relationships . 41 Further Operational Definitions.45 Psychological Profile of Extinction Obstacle . 50 The Extinction Obstacle: Additional Reflections.53 IV. THE FUSION OBSTACLE.56 Definition.56 Operational and Psychological Definitions. ... 56 Antidotes for the Fusion Obstacle.60 Summary: The Extinction and the Fusion Obstacles.64 V. THE ANGER OBSTACLE.66 Definition.66 Anger and its Relation to Vulnerability.70 Emotional Passivity as an Expression of Anger. 75 Suggested Antidotes.79 vi 1 VI the jealousy obstacle .84 Operational Definitions. ... The Psychology of Jealousy .!!!!!!**** Jealousy and its Relation to Self-Doubt! ! ! 90 VII THE TIME OBSTACLE . Definition. Career ism^and its Relation to the Time Obstacle. 94 Psychological Dynamics of Careerism. ... 97 Antidote to the Time Obstacle.. Summary.!!**** 102 VIII THE FIDELITY OBSTACLE . 103 Definition. 103 Common Psychological Dynamics of Fidelity. 107 Honesty as an Antidote to the Fidelity Obstacle. 112 Additional Psychological Dynamics of Fidelity. 113 Summary. 334 IX. STRATAGEMS FOR COPING WITH THE OBSTACLES.115 The Media and its Effects on Men vis-a-vis Romantic Relationships.115 The Women's Movement and its Effects on Men vis-a-vis Romantic Relationships.118 Long-Range Stratagems.. Additional Stratagems.121 Self-Examination: The Key to Overcoming the Six Obstacles.122 A Brief Critique of Related Short-Term Psychotherapeutic Interventions . 125 The Journey of Self-Exploration seen from the Psychoanalytic Perspective.128 Additional Complications to this Journey of Self-Exploration . 133 X. CONCLUSIONS AND IMPLICATIONS.135 Brief Summary.135 Implications for Future Research . 139 The Findings of this Study vis-a-vis Other Researchers.140 Final Conclusions.143 Bibliography . 147 Appendix A.153 Appendix B.154 Appendix C.155 v 111 CHAPTER I INTRODUCTION Scope and Purpose This dissertation is a qualitative study of men and romantic relationships. The subject matter--specifically, the various psychological obstacles men encounter in intimate relationships with women—has been treated sparsely and superficially by what has come to be called "Pop Psychology." Even more meager have been studies conducted by serious researchers in the field (Berscheid and Fei, 1977). Scanning the literature, it is hard to find titles exclusively devoted to this subject. Occasional articles in periodicals and journals appear (e.g., Casler, 1969; Hattis, 1965; Pleck, 1974; Rubin, 1970). Chapters, too, in books, often books by and about women and romantic relationships (e.g., Friday, 1976; Lazarre, 1976), address themselves to the role of men in these relationships. But again, by and large, sustained, intensive research into this subject has been lacking. The literature is populated with books and articles about marriage. Complex dyadic relationships are mapped or the psychology of women is examined. But the very specific psychological obstacles men confront in these sorts of relationships are rarely, if ever, adequately explored. 1 2 This dissertation is an initial qualitative contribution to the subject matter. The researcher suspects it will be useful to both professionals and laymen alike. Researchers presently studying the male gender will hopefully draw on the work. Hopefully, too, the dissertation will give inspiration and direction to further and much-needed related studies, studies focusing on marital and intimate relationships. Daniel Levinson, whose research in the field of adult developmental psychology resulted in his writing Seasons of a an s k (1978), sees one of the tasks of a young man in his late teens and early twenties as learning "about his inner resources and vulnerabilities in relation to women, and about what they offer, demand, and withhold from him" (p. 26). Levinson, however, like many professionals, states that for most men, especially young men, relationships are not their primary focus. Their thrust is "more towards mastering the external world than towards exploring the self" (p. 82). And he states, too, that for most men, and again especially for young men, love—that most elusive of words—is characterized by "impersonal pleasure seeking, macho power seeking or inhibition of passion and sexuality" (p. 107). It is truly one of the great crises in our society, and of almost all societies. Dr. Levinson feels, that men have to choose and start a family before they know what it is they are up to. He states: 3 Most young men are not ready to make an endur i ng inner commitment to wife and family, and they are not capable of a highly loving, sexua lly free r and emotionally intimate relationship. (P- 10) They need, therefore, to learn about these relationships. As Herb Goldberg, Professor of Psychology at California State University and author of The Hazards of Being Male (1976) further points out: Marriage is condoned and sometimes even encouraged for a man in his early twenties—long before he has had the time to develop and grow emotionally, to leave adolescence, to define himself vocationally and philosophically, and to achieve a fairly secure economic
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