Inside a Guide to the Resources Within

inside a guide to the resources within

with 40 self-care practices to reset, rebalance, and revitalize

LAS VEGAS, NV CONTENTS

foreword—xvi author’s note—xviii introduction—xx

PART ONE THE HEALING JOURNEY: IT STARTS WITH SELF-CARE ...... 1

1!BECOME THE EXPLORER OF YOUR INNER WORLD ...... 5 Opening Yourself Up to Self-Healing ...... 7 Starting with Self-Care ...... 7 You Are the Expert on You ...... 9 Finding a New Relationship with Pain ...... 11 Connecting to Your Energetic Self ...... 11 Thank the Discomfort and Start Fresh ...... 12 Practice: Grounding ...... 14 Embark on a Journaling Practice ...... 14 Practice: Journaling ...... 16 Practice: Creating a Vision Board ...... 17 2 WAKING UP TO MYSELF ...... 19 Illumination ...... 19 Building Life on a Foundation of Pain ...... 21 Reawakening My Inner Child ...... 23 Understanding Sufering’s Gifts ...... 24 Listening to My Body ...... 26 Releasing Blame, Accepting Responsibility ...... 27 Taking Ownership of My Life ...... 28 Practice: Safe Haven ...... 29 Practice: What Makes You Feel Joyful? ...... 30 Practice: Validation ...... 31 The Inner Child Returns Home ...... 33 Awareness of Old, Worn-Out Habits ...... 34 How Challenge Made Me Stronger ...... 36

ii | CONTENTS 3 TRAUMA COMES IN ALL SHAPES AND FORMS ...... 39 Distinguishing between Hard Trauma and Soft Trauma ...... 40 Identifying Trauma in Your Life ...... 41 Practice: Unwinding Your Body ...... 44 Seeking Help in the Wrong Places ...... 44 Getting Stuck in the Survival Mind-Set ...... 45 Cycling through Trauma Again and Again ...... 46 Practice: Finding Your Relationship to Trauma ...... 47 Disconnecting from the Body, Mind, and Spirit When Trauma Hits .... 48 Discovering a New Way of Being After Anxiety ...... 49 Learning that It’s Never Too Late to Heal ...... 49 Finding Forgiveness ...... 50 Healing through Trauma Is a Heroic Act ...... 51

4 PUTTING A PLAN FOR SELF-HEALING IN PLACE ...... 53 Preparing the Way for Self-Healing ...... 53 Finding the Teacher Within ...... 55 Becoming a Devoted Listener ...... 56 Creating a Place of Rest Inside Yourself ...... 57 Practice: Finding a Safe Place Within ...... 58 Your Healing Journey Has No Timetable ...... 59 Reconnecting When Life Takes You Of Course ...... 59 Tuning into Our Energy through the Chakras ...... 60 Practice: Laying Your Energetic Foundation ...... 64 Building a Foundation Strong Enough to Handle Change ...... 65 Conquering Instant Gratiﬁcation ...... 67 Learning Patience ...... 69 Asking for Help ...... 70 Thinking about Therapy ...... 71 Finding a Broader Sense of Self ...... 72 Self-Care Is Not Self-Indulgence ...... 73 Start Small, Go Easy ...... 74 Understanding that There Is No Failure ...... 75

CONTENTS | iii 5 GROWING YOUR BEGINNER’S MIND ...... 77 What Is a Beginner’s Mind? ...... 77 Embracing Yourself as a Beginner ...... 78 Feeling Your Tenderfeet ...... 79 Practice: Tenderfoot Journaling ...... 80 Nurturing Yourself as a Child ...... 81 Being Kind to Yourself ...... 82 Bringing Awareness into Your Life ...... 82 Practice: Self-Kindness ...... 83 Noticing Friendships Built on Wounds ...... 84 The Honeymoon Period ...... 85 Preserving Your Energy ...... 86 Practice: Morning Reﬂection...... 87 Becoming Vulnerable, Opening Up ...... 88 Listening to Your Heart ...... 90

6 CULTIVATING THE WITNESS IN YOU ...... 91 The Storm and the Observer ...... 91 Detecting the Storm Inside Us ...... 92 Becoming the Observer ...... 93 Practice: Seeing Life through the Observer Lens ...... 95 Who Are You When Nobody’s Watching? ...... 96 Understanding the Law of Karma ...... 97 Finding the Common Denominator ...... 98 Stepping away from Blame ...... 100 Owning It All ...... 101 Practice: Stop, Look, and Listen ...... 102 Guiding the Ego with the Observer ...... 103 Nurturing the Observer with Self-Care ...... 104 Moving Ahead ...... 105

7 MAKING SPACE FOR THE SACRED ...... 107 Letting the Sacred In ...... 108 Your Sacred Space and Daily Rituals ...... 109 My Sacred Space ...... 110 Practice: Create Your Sacred Space ...... 112 Peeling Back the Onion ...... 113

iv | CONTENTS PART TWO CONNECTING THE FOUR ELEMENTS OF HUMAN LIFE: BODY, MIND, HEART, AND SPIRIT.... 114

Practice: Meeting the Four Elements: Body, Mind, Heart, and Spirit ... 117 Practice: Taking a Personal Inventory ...... 118

8 THE BODY ...... 123 The Body Is Life’s Vehicle ...... 125 Learning to Breathe to Heal the Body ...... 125 The Healing Breath ...... 126 The Long Deep Breath ...... 128 Body Practice #1: The Long Deep Breath ...... 129 Body Practice #2: Alternate Nostril Breathing ...... 130 Body Practice #3: Breath of Fire...... 131 How Yoga Became a Messenger for Healing ...... 133 Bringing Yoga into Your Life ...... 134 Body Practice #4: Yoga for Posture (Starting Pose) ...... 139 Body Practice #5: Yoga for Opening (Cat/Cow) ...... 141 Body Practice #6: Yoga for Balance (Marching) ...... 144 Body Practice #7: Yoga for Cleansing (Twisting) ...... 146

9 THE MIND ...... 149 Finding the Middle Road of Mindfulness ...... 149 Shining Light on Your Mind ...... 151 Making Meditation Work for You ...... 152 Claiming Your Power through Meditation ...... 153 Mind Practice #1: The Introductory Meditation ...... 155 Trusting the Brevity and Consistency of the Basic Practice ...... 159 Looking for Dedication, Not Perfection ...... 161 Committing to Yourself with Discipline and Devotion ...... 161 Training a Stronger Mind ...... 162 The Four Gifts of Meditation ...... 163 Renewing the Mind with Healing Sleep ...... 164 Mind Practice #2: Single Nostril Breathing (Relaxation/Energizing) ... 166 Mind Practice #3: A Beautiful Place to Rest ...... 167 Mind Practice #4: Restful Transitions ...... 168 Mind Practice #5: Awareness in Waking Up ...... 169

CONTENTS | v Appreciating the Gifts of a Balanced Mind ...... 169 Working with Mantras ...... 170 Mind Practice #6: Protective Mantras ...... 171

10 THE HEART ...... 173 Facing Vulnerability ...... 174 Trusting the Energy of the Heart ...... 174 Feeling the Efects of Love on the Four Elements ...... 176 Heart Practice #1: What Does Your Heart Say? ...... 177 Heart Practice #2: Self-Soothing ...... 178 Heart Practice #3: Look in the Mirror ...... 179 Heart Practice #4: Write a Letter to Your Future Self ...... 180 Becoming a Warrior of Love ...... 180 Heart Practice #5: Warrior of Love ...... 182 Heart Practice #6: Tapping into the Present Moment ...... 183 Recognizing the Threats to Love ...... 185 Threat to Love #1: Judgment...... 186 Threat to Love #2: Jealousy ...... 186 Threat to Love #3: Loneliness ...... 188 Threat to Love #4: Shame ...... 189 Empowering the Protectors of Love ...... 190 Protector of Love #1: Perfect Imperfection ...... 190 Protector of Love #2: Truth ...... 191 Protector of Love #3: Gratitude ...... 192 Protector of Love #4: Bravery ...... 193 Protector of Love #5: Mutually Loving Relationships...... 194 Trusting Your Heart ...... 195

11 THE SPIRIT ...... 197 Disconnecting from the Spirit ...... 198 Spirit Practice #1: The Sensitivity Scale ...... 199 Listening to the Whispers and Warnings of the Spirit ...... 200 Following the Spirit’s Guidance ...... 201 Spirit Practice #2: One Happy Thing ...... 202 Connecting the Spirit with Body, Mind, and Heart ...... 203 Spirit and the Body ...... 203 Spirit and the Mind ...... 204

vi | CONTENTS Spirit and the Heart ...... 205 Self-Care and the Spirit ...... 205 Spirit Practice #3: Spiritual Savings Account ...... 206 Finding Spontaneous Inspiration ...... 208 Fueling the Spirit with Faith ...... 209 conclusion: sitting at the feet of your life—211 list of practices—214 acknowledgments—216 index—219

CONTENTS | vii FOREWORD by Terry Walters, best-selling author of Clean Food

Digging deep, listening to our hearts, connecting with our spirit, and being guided by our own personal truth is requisite for good health and a vibrant life. In my own journey, food was the conduit for change. More than understanding the foods that would serve my unique constitution, it was about figuring out how to make positive choices and developing a healthy relationship not only with food but with myself. Over time, my clean food approach influenced my relationships, my connection to the earth and my community, my physical and emotional well-being, and how I moved through the world. In the beginning I held on with a tight grip, with the rigidity I needed in order to stay the course. Over time, the pieces of my puzzle changed— the food, the environment, my family, and, most importantly, me. When I started, the goal was good health. But as I continued, it became clear that the path I was on was broader. The very same judgments about food that once allowed me to heal were those I needed to let go of in order to grow. The answers that I sought externally for so long I now discovered within. And in learning to trust myself, I was able to embrace a more accepting, more forgiving approach to achieving balance. Change was the gif that I didn’t realize I had received until I stopped and looked back. Developing the ability to connect with mind, body, and spirit is an ongoing challenge that makes it possible to move forward. When we focus on being our best selves, we inspire others to do the same. And the more we breathe this intention out into the world, the sooner the world will start to reflect what is in our hearts. When we find balance and good health, we are empowered to practice the mindfulness of letting self-love win. The reverse is also true: when we let self-love win, we in turn find balance and good health. It doesn’t matter where you start, only that you start, and this book provides the inspiration to do so. Inside is a catalyst for healing and an empowering guide to vibrant living. With this book, Sarah has crafted a valuable

viii | FOREWORD toolbox of practices to help us move authentically in harmony with the expansions and contractions of life. It is a manual for healing body, mind, heart, and spirit that is guaranteed to inspire and change your life for the better. Wise, accessible, heartfelt, useful, and humble, this is a book I will return to often. When we look inside, we find the strength and truth to heal ourselves, and we take the first steps toward healing others, our communities, and our world.

FOREWORD | ix AUTHOR’S NOTE Dear Reader, I am writing this note after the completion of the book, and I find myself intrigued with this process of letting it go. This most likely is a familiar experience for a seasoned writer, but I am a newbie in this world of authors. Letting people, places, and things go in my life has always been one of my greatest challenges, and this experience is no different. Inside is my first book, and it feels like my third child. It is the child that came into my life to help me grow in ways I didn’t know I needed to grow. It has helped me know myself and trust my own knowledge. And most importantly, it has given me faith in looking at everything I know and letting it go so I can learn again from that fertile ground of the beginner. I gifted myself a two-year sabbatical to write this book. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. It has required a steady practice of meditation, self-healing, and self-love. I started, like most people questioning my expertise and having to tame and ultimately overcome all the discouragement my mind could throw at me. Believe me, in the beginning, there was a lot of that! But still, I kept on…and it was through that keeping on that I brought this book to completion. What is keeping on all about? How do we figure out a way to keep on in the midst of hurt, sadness, discouragement, and anger? For me, the most straightforward answer is a strong practice of self-care. It is about becoming the explorer of your inner world. It is finding the power to go inside and excavate the parts of you that feel the most fragile, and that is no small feat. Inner study is the biggest work of our lives, and once accomplished, it will help to lay the foundation for everything else you do in this lifetime. I am no stranger to the obstacles that can appear on a path of healing. I know all about the best-laid plans and how they can fall flat when a foundation for healing is not in place. This is the reason that I was inspired to write this book. I needed to build a practice of self-healing and ultimately self-love in order to accomplish everything else I needed

x | AUTHOR’S NOTE to do in my life. I had to put a stake in the ground and find my way through the hurt, because the only alternative was regret, anger, and blame for the rest of my life, and that felt like a devastating sacrifice. As I was writing, at times I would find myself thinking, “Boy, this practice feels like low hanging fruit, so ripe and healing, yet so easy that it’s hard to believe it will really work.” But it does! And when done with dedication and discipline, these simple practices become a devotional lifestyle that will walk with you for the rest of your life. I have witnessed in myself and in the many people I have worked with that healing is most effective when, above all, we bring the focus inward and take care of ourselves first. Writing this book has given me that focus in my own life and allowed me to do something I never thought I would be able to do. It offered me the chance to heal through the great losses of my young life and feel the bliss that healing through pain offers. Today I meet you where you are on your path of healing with a deep understanding that wherever you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be. No matter how hopeless, heartless, or paralyzed you feel in your life, you have opened this book for a reason. Trust that, and open up to the endless possibilities before you.

Sarah Brassard October 2016

AUTHOR’S NOTE | xi INTRODUCTION Here, at the start of this journey, is a tipping point. Even if it feels like everything’s falling apart, and hope and faith feel like words that belong to someone else’s vocabulary, right now is a miraculous moment. I know that with certainty because you are seeking. You wouldn’t be reading this book if you weren’t hoping for a fresh start. You’ve acknowledged that there is pain in your life, be it physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. You’ve and stopped looking for ways to avoid it, disregard it, and run from it. You’ve now ready to learn how to grow from it and feel better. On this healing path, are you prepared to look deeper, to reveal and ease your hidden pain and release your sadness? As much discomfort as you feel right now, are you open and willing to explore? It may not feel like it now, but this elevated experience of agitation is your spirit’s gift to you. Are you ready to embrace the most fragile aspects of your life and assure them that you are ready to listen, feel, and heal? If so, face your pain and say, “Okay, I am listening, I am ready to experience what hurts most.” These unsettled feelings motivate us to learn new ways of being and grow beyond the discomfort. The walls of resistance come down when we are deeply sad, simply because we don’t have the energy to fight anymore. Rather we find ourselves open in this place, not because we have chosen to be here but because life’s guidance has brought us here. It is time to embrace an honest, truthful view of yourself. Once you do, you won’t be able to look away, and from that healing view, everything is possible. Emotional walls will be torn down, long-protected reactive feelings will be flushed out, and decisions will be made about the direction of your life. If this feels life changing, believe that feeling and move ahead with determination. Now is the time when the stakes are the highest, and you have a real chance to change the quality of your life for the better. It’s up to you. You will be challenged in this book; you can count on that, but alongside those challenges will be nurturing practices that will help you get through whatever comes up.

xii | INTRODUCTION As we move ahead, I will guide you through gentle and potent shifts that will capture the truest essence of who you are. I will show you how to plant the seeds of self-care, which ultimately will blossom into self- love. The practices in this book are offered to enhance whatever healing protocols, belief systems, or ways of living you already ascribe to. When you have a strong understanding of self-care, you will know that there is no compromising the time we dedicate to ourselves. Not only will you feel improved physical health, but you also will come into relationship with a clear mind, a balanced heart, and a lively spirit. For the first time in a long time, or maybe for the first time ever, you will know what it is like to have your mind, body, heart, and spirit working in harmony with one another. This comes from mastering self-care technology. There is tremendous opportunity for you here, and soon you will recognize your life for what it was always meant to be—happy, whole, peaceful, and blissful. There is no more important work to do than learning to care for and love yourself. With a self-care foundation in place, your life will respond generously, bringing a beautiful ease to your actions. The work you’ll do in this book will help you to receive and be open to the many lessons pain and discomfort offer us when we are strong enough to listen. That is the goal of self-care—to fortify your body, mind, heart, and spirit to meet the ever-changing experiences life delivers to us. With strong self-care practices, you will no longer resist change. These techniques and practices will bring you an awareness that will help you reach for the proper tools when you need them. You will learn how to access your breath as a healing tool. Yoga, meditation, walks in nature, and other rituals will become a part of your life, not as an afterthought but as a necessity and a contributor to your overall strength, courage, and power. I will offer you practices that will help you pay attention to your thoughts, notice your surroundings, and trust your intuition. You’ll start to notice how you breathe, how you move, and how you feel in the many scenes of your life. It is in this awakened state that you will live a purposeful and enlightened life.

INTRODUCTION | xiii Self-care is the first step we take on our journey inward. We take our focus, our knowledge, and our compassion and direct it to ourselves. Self-care is the understanding that no sustainable healing can happen without this foundation in place. It is the knowledge that helps us deeply relate to the messages of our body, mind, heart, and spirit so we can become the master translator of these feelings and sensations. When a strong self-care practice is in place, we no longer depend on others to guide our actions. Through our inner study, we learn what makes us happiest and what brings on the most fear, and with this knowledge we cultivate tools to deeply care for the most tender parts of our life. The first part of the book will focus on the importance of self-care in your life. This will include defining what trauma looks like, creating a relationship with inner peace, and taking ownership of your internal monologue. I will share with you my story of waking up to myself, and even though your journey will be different from mine, my wish is that you will find inspiration from the healing I was able to bring to my life. In the second part of the book, the emphasis shifts to activity. I will introduce you to the Four Elements—body, mind, heart, and spirit— and we will learn about the qualities of each. You will understand how dependent they are on one another, and that when there is imbalance in one, there are imbalances in the other three. All the elements are connected, just like everything else in our lives, and in gaining this knowledge we broaden our opportunity for growth and happiness. I will guide you through a process of working with each of the elements and then all of them as a whole. The practices included in these chapters are designed to facilitate transformative healing in your life. Then, like parting a dam, doors to strengthen and guide you toward optimal health and well-being will open and you will be ready to process the painful events of the past and welcome in all the possibilities of the future. Each chapter includes exercises that I refer to as practices, some of which require action, others that take place in the everyday moments of your life. Each one is created for you to remember who you are on the inside, under all that scares you, to awaken your inner knowledge and

xiv | INTRODUCTION help you shift out of old habits that no longer work for you. Dedicate yourself to these practices. As simple as they may seem, they will help you learn more about what makes you uniquely you. They will help you cultivate the awareness you need to make big changes, all the while nurturing and fortifying each step you take. Remember to take one step at a time and build your foundation carefully and mindfully so great shifts can happen. It is not the intention of this book to tell you which spiritual quest is best suited for you but rather to help you build a base, a starting point, and ultimately a foundation strong enough to take on the spiritual journey of your dreams. You are the true teacher of your life, and each step you take on this self-care journey will bring you closer to your truth. Grow closer to yourself, believe in your ability to change, and watch the arms of your life warmly open to welcome you home once again.

INTRODUCTION | xv

The WEALTH COACH

Bradley J. Sugars

LAS VEGAS, NV CONTENTS

Contents ...... v Introduction ...... 1 Chapter 1 Surprise! ...... 3 Chapter 2 Te Meeting ...... 13 Chapter 3 So Many Reasons, so Little Time ...... 25 Chapter 4 Changes ...... 37 Chapter 5 Te Long Haul ...... 45 Chapter 6 Te Money House ...... 55 Chapter 7 Graduation...... 71 Chapter 8 College ...... 85 Chapter 9 Mind Your Money ...... 121 Chapter 10 Cash Flow: Active to Passive ...... 135 Chapter 11 Te Beginning ...... 165 Chapter 12 Te Middle ...... 171 Chapter 13 Reinvestment ...... 195

ii INTRODUCTION

oaching and educating people on how wealth happens is not an easy task. Ten again, few worthwhile endeavors ever are. Transferring my—or in this case—“Te Wealth Coach’s” knowledge and Cexpertise to others is defnitely a two-way street. Let’s assume you wanted to make a complex dish for which only I had the recipe. Giving you the recipe would be simple. However, it would be up to you to shop for the ingredients, understand the directions (and if needed, seek clarifcation), and be able to follow those directions. Most importantly, you would have to want to make the dish and get cooking! Fortunately, my recipe is simple and presented here in an easy-to- follow, entertaining story of a family who must start their wealth-building from scratch at diferent times in their lives due to a fnancially devastating crisis. When Te Wealth Coach sits down with his students, he is essentially giving them a simple step-by-step recipe for creating wealth. I wrote this book as a story so that you could see the blending of regular, everyday life while going through the process of patiently creating wealth. Tere are many roads to wealth, but as you will fnd in the following chapters, some very tried and true principles work when you apply them— principles that are guaranteed to work whether you start as a kid or an adult in your mid-sixties. Tese principles are your road to wealth. By following the stories of Mitch, Amy, and their mother Kim on very diferent journeys to wealth, you will see just how these principles work. More importantly, you will learn how you can put them to work for you. Creating wealth for yourself involves neither magic nor luck. Tere are no “get-rich-quick” schemes, but it doesn’t have to be drudgery either. It is about strategy, planning, and persevering combined with patience and self- discipline. I am going to teach you how to apply these principles, and then it’s all up to you. Be rich or be broke. It is truly your choice.

1 c Chapter 1 Surprise!

my and Mitch McConnell, twins of a California beauty and a father they never knew, sat eagerly at a plush velvet booth at Lorraine’s, the fnest steakhouse in town. It was their sixteenth Abirthday. Kim, their mother, had wanted to give them some sort of “sweet sixteen” party at their swanky Malibu beach home, but Mitch wanted nothing to do with it—that was for girls. Instead, the family hosted a small dinner party where Kim and her husband, Bryce Peters, decided to unveil the gif of a lifetime. Te twins waited patiently for their mother and Bryce to fnish hobnobbing at the bar and come give them their big birthday surprise. Bryce and Kim had only been married for four years. He made quite a decent living as an IT consultant, but nearly all his earnings went to his one passion: Kim. Not a particularly handsome man but an expert in his feld and a decade Kim’s senior, he met Kim fve years prior and knew he had to have her. Kim, who hadn’t remarried since the twins’ father disappeared without a trace when they were just two years old, had assumed early on that her modeling career would be sufcient to support herself and the twins for quite some time. As long as she took good care of herself—her perfect

2 Bradley J. Sugars fgure and fawless skin, silky blonde hair, and wet blue eyes—she estimated that she had a good twenty years in the business. And if that wasn’t the case, it was just like her mama always told her: “it is just as easy to marry a rich man as a poor one.” Tough Bryce wasn’t her ultimate dream guy, he swept her of her feet with gifs, fowers, dinners, trips, and overwhelming admiration. One time when her car broke down, he had a brand new Cobra Mustang—in his name—delivered directly to her modeling shoot as a gif. Besides the extravagant gifs, he made her laugh, was kind to the twins, and she never had to think about money. In fact, Bryce insisted that Kim give up the modeling. He didn’t want his wife to work—especially modeling lingerie and other skimpy outfts. He wanted her to accompany him on business trips to give him the prestige that only a beautiful, poised woman like her can bring to an older man with ho-hum looks and an arrogant personality. Tus, she settled. Neither she nor the twins ever worried about money once Bryce came along. Before Bryce, Kim was able to give the twins a decent lifestyle, and they never wanted for much. Unfortunately, she lived paycheck-to- paycheck, never thinking of the future. Bryce took charge of all the bills, taxes, insurance, and bank accounts. He furnished Kim with a joint checking account that always contained a few thousand dollars, and a credit card with a $10,000 limit he allowed her to use at her discretion. In reality, her only job was to be Bryce’s stunning trophy wife and adoring mother to the twins, whom she truly cherished and took pride in rearing mainly on her own. Around 6 o’clock, a driver had picked up the twins from the beach home, and the maître d’ escorted them to a large round booth with 32 white and red roses as the centerpiece: there were sixteen apiece; white symbolized innocence, red, love, and together, unity—a very creative choice, Kim thought, given that Mitch and Amy were united as twins. When the twins entered the room, the pianist immediately switched from his current piece and played “Happy Birthday” as the other patrons sang along and clapped.

3 Te Wealth Coach

Obviously well-known about town, Kim and Bryce felt obliged to mingle just a bit afer the twins arrived. “Just sit down babies, and we’ll be right over,” Kim whispered as she held them tightly. “Have we got a surprise for you!” Fifeen minutes later, Kim shot the twins a look of impatience afer having to chit-chat with Bryce’s business associates while the birthday boy and girl waited patiently for their birthday dinner and big surprise. Kim would have no more of it, and she insisted that she and Bryce excuse themselves from the bar to join Mitch and Amy. Teir waiting for the surprise continued throughout fve courses, as Bryce and Kim grinned from ear-to-ear: Kim because the twins were happy, and Bryce because Kim was. Finally Bryce, with a huge smile, handed Kim a thick manila envelope with big satin pink and blue bows. It was addressed “Amy and Mitch—Happy 16 th!” Kim smiled knowingly and passed it to the twins, as they excitedly yet gingerly tore it open together. Te package was from renowned travel agency Segal Travel, and it contained four frst-class tickets to Maui and an itinerary of their week- long stay in an exquisite two-bedroom suite at the Grand Wailea, plus brochures of the resort and other activities they could choose from while there. Also enclosed were two $1,000 Visa gif cards and several store gif cards of various denominations. Te trip was scheduled for three months from that date: June 16. Te kids would be out of school by then. It would give Kim time to par up her resort wardrobe, and Bryce would have a chance to fnish the project he had been contracted to complete at the rate of $300 per hour, which, unbeknownst to Kim, was the sole income fnancing this extravagant gif. Bryce knew he was completely mismanaging their fnances, but seeing her and the kids so happy meant the world to him. He kept telling himself that he would get it together and start putting the money he made to better use. He wanted to ensure a future for his new family. Afer cake, champagne, gifs from other well-wishers who knew the family, and a few dances to songs like “Sixteen Candles” and “She Was Only Sixteen,” the four headed home in their brand new burgundy Jaguar XE. Te family had traveled together before, but usually Kim and Bryce lef the twins home, as they were typically in school.

4 Bradley J. Sugars

Tey pulled up to the drive late at night. Waves were crashing against the stilts the home was built upon, and the moon nothing but a sliver of a crescent. Bryce yawned. “Honey, I’m tired,” he said weakly. “I’m going to check my server and head to bed. You and the kids unload the car,” and he wandered inside. “We got it, mom,” they said in unison, as twins ofen do. “Tanks, babies.” She hugged them one more time and stepped back to look at her teen twins, and said “And happy birthday again!” Mitch popped the trunk to the Jag—which he had secretly wished would have been his gif—and Amy grabbed an armful of bags containing gifs, cards, and lefover cake. Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream came from inside the house. It was their mother. Tey dropped everything and ran inside. Kim knelt next to a bluish, unconscious Bryce. “Call 911,” she cried, “one of you call 911!” Mitch was already on it. Amy stood still, completely in shock and at least three shades paler than her normal porcelain skin tone as they heard sirens wail. Within seconds, they saw lights that enveloped the entire street in a colorful blaze of red, blue, and yellow, and counted at least ten uniformed paramedics, police ofcers, and frefghters chaotically traipsing through the house, trying without avail to revive Bryce. Finally one paramedic, who had tried three times to resuscitate Bryce, shook his head solemnly. He looked at his watch and sofly reported, “Time of death, 11:14 p.m.” …

Two days had passed. Kim’s mother, Angie, had fown in from Sacramento right away to help with the fnal arrangements. Like the twins, Kim never really knew her father, and Bryce’s parents had long since passed in a car accident. Only 53 years old and quite young for a heart attack, all conditions were right for someone his age to have one: overweight, excessive alcohol use, no exercise, and a mountain of stress.

5 Te Wealth Coach

It seemed like everyone was in a state of functional shock, not really knowing how to feel. Bryce and Kim’s marriage had had some problems— Kim knew Bryce was obsessed with her and would do anything to make her happy. She had to admit to herself that at times she had taken advantage of that. To the twins Bryce was new, but he was the only father they ever had, and it was sort of nice to be part of a family with a dad in it. Still, it seemed like no one was particularly devastated. Sad, confused, upset— but not devastated. For the frst two days Kim paced around the house, straightening this-and-that. She cooked for the kids but didn’t eat much herself, and when she could sleep she dreamt of being alone in a barren wasteland, never able to fnd another living soul. She sat up in her bed, knowing she would have to do something soon. “Kim,” her mother, Angie, said sofly, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder and awakening her from another bad dream, “you need to make arrangements, honey.” Kim looked down, staring at nothing in particular, yet couldn’t bring herself to speak. “Honey,” Angie said a little more frmly, “do you know where Bryce’s will is?” Angie shook her head. “Okay, did he even have one? Life insurance? Bank accounts?” Angie got more insistent as the twins secretly peeked through the slats from the upstairs hall. Finally, for the frst time since Bryce died, Angie burst into tears. “Mama, I don’t know! I don’t know anything. He just always took care of everything!” Te twins looked at each other in a mix of fear and sadness. Teir mother had always seemed so tough and independent. How could she not know of their fnancial situation? Angie had the bad feeling that a mother’s intuition can sometimes bring. “Come on,” she said, grabbing Kim’s hand. “It’s time for us to go through that ofce.” Reluctantly, her daughter followed.

6 Bradley J. Sugars

Te credenza in Bryce’s ofce was locked, and Kim had no idea where to fnd the key. Angie retrieved a steak knife from the kitchen and proceeded to jimmy the lock open. Tere were fles and fle folders, invoices from clients, and check stubs. Also present were four years worth of completed tax returns that Kim had signed, with signed checks attached that Bryce had obviously (willfully?) neglected to mail. Next to this mish-mash of papers lay a thick folder with miscellaneous past-due notices, including the one for the new Jaguar, as well as their Range Rover. Kim had fxed and paid of the loan on her Ford Expedition that she owned prior to meeting Bryce, and it was meant to be for the twins’ use once they got their driver’s licenses. “Oh my God,” Angie said as she sipped her cofee and leafed through the fndings thus far. “What, mama?” Kim asked. “Honey, did he have a life insurance policy?” Kim thought for a second, and then perked up, “Yes. It is for fve million dollars, plus mortgage insurance on the home. He told me so when we frst moved here.” Angie pulled a piece of paper out of the pile. “Uh huh,” Angie said doubtfully, scanning, one eyebrow raised. “And have you seen this policy? Do you know what company it’s through?” Kim thought for a second, and then looked at the paper Angie was skimming. “It’s that one!” she said. Angie read the date and heading: “Regarding Life Insurance Application. Dear Mr. Peters,” she read slowly, “thank you for applying for life insurance coverage with Acme. We are sorry to inform you that afer careful review and consideration of your medical history, we are unable to provide you coverage. Our decision was based on your records from your cardiologist, Dr. James…” “Stop, mama!” Kim cried. “Are you saying he lied to me? He didn’t have life insurance?” “It looks like it, honey, but let’s keep looking,” Angie said, weary. At the end of the day, afer going through every paper in Bryce’s ofce, the women’s fndings culminated in one valid check issued to Bryce. It was

7 Te Wealth Coach from his latest client, for $12,900. Tere were bank statements in Bryce’s name from three diferent banks showing balances of under $1,000 apiece, and bank statements in both Kim and Bryce’s names, the latest of which showed a balance of $2,967.17—the one to which he gave Kim access. Tere were stacks of unopened bills from the prior month, all past due, including the mortgage. No will. No cash. No life insurance. One half-drunk bottle of scotch. Te two women, faced with the truth that Kim’s ignorance of her fnancial status in her marginal marriage was not bliss, each took a swig out of the scotch. Tey decided that cremation and a very simple church service would be best, and agreed to discuss Kim’s plans for herself and the twins in the morning, afer they went to their prestigious private school. It was obvious, as the women sat down over cofee, that Kim would have to sell the house and hopefully at least break even. She would need to get a job and have the cars voluntarily repossessed, except for the Ford - she owned that outright, and it was in her own name. She would pay a visit to the private school where the twins were attending, as they had just over one year until graduation and both were excelling. Amy’s excellence showed mainly academically, while Mitch’s claim to high school fame was as a star quarterback for the football team. No matter what, Kim would not take them out of their school. She took a look at her 4.5 karat Cartier diamond wedding ring, and thought better of chucking it into the ocean. Appraised at $127,000, a jeweler friend told her she would be lucky to get a third of that for it. With the few assets they truly owned, including the ring, her bank account, the Ford, and the check from Bryce’s client, Kim decided to buy a clean, modest home in Oxnard, halfway between the twins’ school and Malibu. Tanks to the kind principal, who discounted their tuition, they were able to stay there until graduation. She fgured she had a few months’ living expenses while she looked for work. Luckily the Malibu home sold almost immediately, though she neither made nor lost money on it, and little else was in her name. Like Kim, the twins, who enjoyed the fner things in life yet remained mostly unspoiled, took the dramatic change in lifestyle very well. Kim had

8 Bradley J. Sugars done an excellent job of liquidating their lives in just over two months, and now they were basically on the same path they were before Bryce came into the picture. Tere was just one thing: the birthday trip to Maui, which was only two weeks away. She had forgotten all about it and hadn’t discussed it with the twins since giving it to them the night Bryce died. She didn’t even know if they still thought about it. Her frst inclination was to cancel, but then she remembered the trip was prepaid and nonrefundable anyway, according to the travel agent. Besides, she really didn’t want to take that away from the twins too. She glanced into the mirror. She looked tired. She had stopped doing her hair and makeup every day. Most days, she didn’t even shower. In her mind, she looked like a bum. Amy’s grades had slipped a lot in a short time, and she, too, seemed disinterested in her social life or being one of the best-dressed girls at school. Mitch only got more aggressive and poured his heart into his football practices, but his grades, too, had slipped. Te three were tired, depressed, and battle-worn. Tey had been duped, but they had survived. Kim had been diligent about hanging onto the several thousand dollars she received by liquidating nearly everything of value. She decided frmly at that moment: yes, they would take that trip. Tey would once again see what it was like to live as if they were wealthy, and maybe, just maybe, it would incentivize them to make it a reality this time. …

“Darling,” Richard Morgan said as he lovingly stroked his wife’s head, “I really think I should cancel the seminar.” Richard Morgan, also known as “Te Wealth Coach,” or even just “Coach” to those who knew him, couldn’t rationalize leaving for a week-long seminar on Maui when his wife had just broken her leg in three places while mountain climbing. Tough he usually didn’t bring her on his tours, this one was special. It was his frst on Maui,

9 Te Wealth Coach and he knew how much she loved Hawaii. He actually had planned on mixing business with a little pleasure this time. “You can’t cancel, Coach!” his wife, Lori, pleaded. “I’ll be fne. Mom and dad are here, and plus we have Rosa. Besides, the seminar is sold out. Do you know how many people will have a ft if you cancel? You’ll probably end up with two broken legs!” Tey both laughed, and she grabbed his arm as the pain was kicking in again. Rosa, their live-in nanny, housekeeper, cook, and now nurse, cleared her throat to announce her presence. She had been with the couple since the kids were babies, and she had become a cherished member of the family. “Okay Mrs. Morgan, time for your medication. And you, Sir,” Rosa said frmly, “are packed and have a fight to catch. Lucy is already in her kennel in the car.” Lucy, another cherished family member, was Coach’s prized chocolate lab and second best friend - she always accompanied him on his seminars. She was his reward at the end of the day. She waited patiently behind the black screen of the stage as he gave his classes, waiting for him to run and play with her when the day was over. Coach kissed his wife and three young children goodbye, thinking how fortunate he was to have such a loving, beautiful partner. She wasn’t just a wife, but someone who genuinely contributed to a mutual and fantastic vision. Still, as he climbed into the backseat of the town car, he couldn’t help but worry about her. He knew how independent and stubborn she could be. He could only hope she would listen to the doctor and stay in bed unless she, with help, absolutely had to get up. He tried hard to refocus on both the seminar and the goals he was teaching his clients, who had paid tens of thousands of dollars to learn how to make tens of millions or more. Lucy, who had a severe disdain for the kennel, looked at him with her murky blue eyes and whimpered slightly. “Me too, girl,” Coach said, opening the kennel door and scratching her head. “Me too.” Te driver pulled into Van Nuys Executive Airport a few minutes ahead of schedule. For a summer day in Southern California, the weather seemed

10 Bradley J. Sugars more like Midwest tornado season; the sky possessed an ominous shade of grey, complete with muggy air that made the 20-foot trip from the car to the jet nearly intolerable. Lucy acted strangely, panting and sporadically whining. “Greetings, Coach!” Jim, the pilot of his Gulfstream 650 said. Motioning him up the stairs, he said, “Sorry I can’t say it is a better day for a fight, but once we get up there, it’s supposed to be smooth.” Te driver loaded Coach’s bags and Lucy. Te fight attendant, Pamela, ofered him a cocktail. “Just a Perrier please, Pamela,” he said, letting Lucy out of her kennel. Te takeof was rough, and the fight turbulent for most of the trip. Lucy kept pacing, and Coach couldn’t seem to get his energy in check, as he usually did.

HAWAIIAN REBIRTH YVES NAGER

QUESTIONS, STORIES, AND STRATEGIES TO GUIDE YOU TO YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE

LAS VEGAS, NV TABLE OF CONTENTS

FOREWORD xiii PREFACE ...... xvii GIVING THANKS ...... xxv

INTRODUCTION ...... 1 T e Wheel of Life ...... 13

PART I – THE 7 QUESTIONS ...... 15 Asking Life’s Deepest Questions ...... 15 Notes on Questions 1, 2, 3 and 4 ...... 17 Notes on Questions 5, 6 and 7 ...... 17 Question 1 - What continually attracts your attention? ...... 22 Question 2 - What do you do with love and joy? What matters to your heart? ...... 23 Question 3 - What f elds would you like to know more about? ...... 23 Question 4 - When do you feel inspired and creative? ...... 24 Question 5 - When others compliment you, what do they say? ...... 25 Question 6 - What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? ...... 26 Question 7 - What would you like to do in your next life? ...... 26

PART II – THE 12 STEPS ...... 29 NOTES ON THE STEPS ...... 30 Notes on Steps #1 - #4 ...... 30 Procrastination ...... 30

ii Fear of Failure ...... 31 Fear of Success ...... 32 Perfectionism ...... 32 Notes on Steps #5 and #6 ...... 33 Filtering ...... 34 Advising ...... 34 Being Judgmental ...... 35 Pleasing ...... 35 Listening Strategies ...... 36 Clarify ...... 36 Paraphrase ...... 36 Give Feedback ...... 36 Be Responsive ...... 37 Notes on Steps #7 and #8 ...... 38 Notes on Steps #9 and #10 ...... 40 Nine Principles for Creation and Manifestation ...... 41 Merge with what you seek ...... 41 Remember – perception determines creation ...... 41 Know when to be active and when to be passive...... 42 Flow like a river ...... 42 Acknowledge and honor your emotions ...... 43 Envision your goals ...... 43 Transform negative experiences ...... 43 Seek evidence that supports your new belief ...... 44 Observe others’ life examples ...... 44 Notes on Steps #11 and #12...... 46 Embracing Your Emotions ...... 46

iii Anger and Frustration ...... 47 Confusion and Boredom ...... 47 Envy and Jealousy ...... 48 Fear and Anxiety ...... 48 Regret and Disappointment ...... 48 Sadness and Grief ...... 49 Shame and Guilt ...... 49 THE STEPS ...... 51 STEP #1 - BE TRUTHFUL ...... 51 STEP #2 - START SLOWLY. START NOW ...... 53 STEP #3 - SLOW DOWN. STOP ...... 54 STEP #4 - DISCOVER AND DEVELOP YOUR TALENTS ...... 56 STEP #5 - DISCERN. THEN, CHOOSE ...... 57 STEP #6 - LET YOUR PASSIONS GUIDE YOU ...... 59 STEP #7 - FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION ...... 61 STEP #8 - STAY OPEN, RECEPTIVE AND FLEXIBLE ...... 62 STEP #9 - LEARN HOW AND WHEN TO REST ...... 64 STEP #10 - NOTICE LIFE’S GIFTS...... 65 STEP #11 - READ SIGNS, SEE SYNCHRONICITIES ...... 68 STEP #12 - BE COURAGEOUS. TAKE RISKS! ...... 69

PART III – STORIES WITH PURPOSE ...... 73 Blessings from Hawaii! ...... 73 Blessing of Gratitude ...... 74 Blessing of Clarity...... 77 Blessing of Forgiveness ...... 81 Blessing of Relaxation ...... 85 Blessing of Healing ...... 93 iv A Love Story with Destiny ...... 97 Magical Experiences in South Korea ...... 110 When Cats Become Tigers ...... 113 Listening to the Sound of Silence ...... 115 Heart-shaped Island in Tailand ...... 117 Detours on Bali ...... 127 Egyptian Mysteries ...... 135 Exploring the World with Ilahinoor ...... 153 Reconnecting with Hawaii ...... 154 Led by synchronicity ...... 156 Expanding our Horizons with Ilahinoor...... 159 A Pilgrimage to India ...... 166 Mapping Your Inner Landscape ...... 169 Connecting with Nature ...... 180 Making Peace with My Father ...... 187 Loving Memories ...... 195 Coming Home to Kaua’i ...... 203

PART IV – TAKING ACTION ...... 211 Using Social Media Consciously ...... 211 Starting a New Day - Energetic Exercise Series ...... 220 Exercises ...... 222 Morning Meditation ...... 227 Feeling Great Practice ...... 228 How Well Do You Know Yourself and Others? ...... 230 Main Areas of Perception ...... 230 Actions ...... 230 Inspiring and Motivating Goals...... 236

v 1) Set goals that inspire and motivate you ...... 237 2) Choose SMART goals ...... 238 3) Write your goals down and speak them out loud ...... 240 4) Take immediate action ...... 240 5) Follow through ...... 240 Six Strategies for Achieving Your Goals ...... 249 1) Write down markers ...... 249 2) Work with a partner ...... 250 3) Create a ritual ...... 250 4) Prepare a sacred space ...... 251 5) Evaluate regularly ...... 251 6) Adjust and rewrite ...... 252 At Any Given Moment, We Have a Choice ...... 253

AFTERWORD ...... 261 POSTSCRIPT ...... 265 ABOUT THE AUTHOR ...... 267

vi FOREWORD

by Chris Attwood

T e illusion we call life is by its nature dual. T ere appear to be dif erences when in fact these dif erences are the interwoven threads of one fabric. However, it’s in the appearance of dif erences that the play of life or Veda Lila unfolds, sequentially and in perfect order. What upholds the f ow of life in wholeness is dharma. Dharma is built into every person’s body, mind, emotions and spirit. Everyone is born for a special and unique purpose only they can fulf ll. And the common purpose we all share is to serve each other. When someone is connected to dharma, then their life feels rich and full. Nothing is missing, nothing needs to be added or taken away. Life feels meaningful, purposeful. In these times, many people appear to struggle in their life. T ey struggle because they are disconnected from dharma, that path of action which will allow them to fulf ll their unique and special role in the unfoldment of knowledge (for what we call life is actually the sequential unfoldment of consciousness coming to know itself). As long as a person is disconnected from dharma, they are unhappy, they suf er, and they become miserable. We see this in every country in the world today. T e statistics tell us that more than seventy percent of the population is unhappy with their work and their lives.

vii Yves Nager

In the Bhagavad Gita, the sacred Vedic literature of India, Lord Krishna (the living expression of pure consciousness) says: “Whenever dharma declines and the purpose of life is forgotten, I manifest myself on earth. I am born in every age to protect the good, to destroy evil, and to reestablish dharma.” My personal feeling is that the Lord does not simply manifest in human form, but also in the form of tools like Te Passion Test (which I developed with Janet Bray Atwood), to reestablish dharma. For those who are not lucky enough to be spontaneously connected to dharma, the path to meaning in their life is through their passions. It’s not an accident that a person loves the things they love or that they care about the things they care about. Even when one is immersed in the Self, neither repelled by nor attracted to one thing or another, the path of an individual life takes that person in some directions rather than in others. Te path to wholeness is through the vehicle we call love. Love connects. Love draws what appears to be separate together. When we fall in love with every aspect of life then life becomes one magical, connected whole. Passion is one aspect of this love. When someone makes a list of the things they love most about their life, they are expressing elements of their unique nature, of their dharma, their purpose for being alive. Because our brains are designed to only be able to hold fve to seven things at one time, it’s almost impossible to give attention to twenty or thirty or more passions, or loves, at once. So, the Passion Test provides a simple method to take this expression of one’s dharma in the list of passions, and identifes which of these are the fve that have greatest meaning, that are dearest. Tis doesn’t mean everything else is not meaningful. Te list of fve passions that comes out of the Passion Test process is simply an indicator, right now (not forever), of the things that will bring the most fulfllment in life and lead one on to fulfll one’s purpose, or dharma. Tis list of fve passions becomes a decision-making tool. As Janet and I say in Te Passion Test book, “Whenever you’re faced with a choice, a decision, or an opportunity, choose in favor of your viii HAWAIIAN REBIRTH passions.” While this is a simple and perhaps obvious truth, so many people today do what they think they “should” do that this simple instruction changes their whole experience of life. And our experience from sharing the Passion Test all over the world is that as people consistently choose in favor of their passions, they discover that their life begins to feel more and more meaningful. Of course, not everyone needs the Passion Test. Some people spontaneously follow their passions. Yet, most people in the world today are not in that boat. In this book, Yves Nager has expanded the principles of the Passion Test to help you clarify your passions and deepen your understanding of the reason you were born. Tis book will take you on a journey that will serve as a map to use as you fulfll your unique contribution to the unfoldment of yourself to itself.

AUTHOR NOTE

Chris Attwood is co-author of the New York Times bestseller Te Passion Test – Te Efortless Path to Discovering Your Life Purpose and Your Hidden Riches – Unleashing the Power of Rituals to Create a Life of Meaning and Purpose. Chris is an expert in the feld of human consciousness and is also deeply grounded in the practical world of business. Chris is the founder and CEO of the Beyul Club, a company dedicated to personal and global transformation (www.beyulclub.com). I am honored and grateful that I was personally trained by Chris as I fnd his work truly inspiring and regard him as a great role model who is living his purpose to the fullest.

ix PREFACE

“T e reason people f nd it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” —Marcel Pagnol

As long as I can remember, I’ve loved expressing myself through writing. Whenever I write, I feel happy and present. I’ve of en had dif culty f nding the appropriate words to describe how I feel. During my teenage years, I discovered that writing was a helpful way to reveal what I felt deep inside. It didn’t matter if I was just journaling for myself, or writing an essay at school. When I reread my journals and essays some years later, it always helped me understand more about myself and others. However, thirty-f ve years later, I had the courage, self- conf dence and commitment to start publishing my writing for others. I started by creating content for my website and then began to write articles on various topics, sharing my insights and experiences through blogs, newsletters and social media. A door opened for me when I was asked to contribute my writing to two books, one x HAWAIIAN REBIRTH

a collection of chapters about following your passions and another focused on global awakening. In the compilation book Inspired by the Passion Test: Te #1 Tool for Discovering Your Passion and Purpose, I relate my initial awakening experience while in Hawaii. I also share ten practical steps to help you embark on your own journey of healing and transformation. I am one of sixteen passionate storytellers in the book, including New York Times bestselling authors Janet Bray Attwood and Geof Afeck. In the book Ilahinoor—Awakening the Divine Human, written by my friend Kiara Windrider, I contribute an extensive testimonial. It’s an account of my transformative experiences across the globe teaching and working with Ilahinoor, a gif to help humanity experience multi-dimensional consciousness. You’ll fnd a section called “Exploring the World with Ilahinoor” later in this book.

You hold in your hands my latest writing endeavor. If someone had told me fve years ago that my name would be displayed in three books—and that they’d all be published within a couple of years—I’d have treated their words as fantasy. However, as you’ve likely experienced on your own journey, life sometimes takes twists and turns, leading us to places beyond our wildest dreams in completely unexpected ways. Hawaiian Rebirth: Questions, stories, and strategies to guide you to your life’s purpose is the outcome of opening myself to something bigger and allowing myself to transcend the person I once believed I was.

I grew up in Switzerland, in a town called Spiez, located next to the beautiful Lake Tun and surrounded by forests and mountains. When I went to Hawaii for the frst time in 2008 to improve my English skills, writing a book in English was far beyond my abilities—entirely out of reach. During that time, I studied for three

xi Yves Nager

months at Global Village Hawaii, an international language school in Honolulu. Somehow, it’s still a miracle for me that I’m now allowing myself to express my gifs in this way. I’m deeply grateful because for many years I perceived my life’s journey as being mostly challenging. When I was younger, I began to feel a mounting level of crisis and desperation. Tis feeling climaxed when a series of deaths occurred in my family in 2005. Within seven months, I lost my father and two grandparents and nearly lost my brother. Since then, my life has never been the same. At frst, I immersed myself in work by day and partied by night and on the weekends, all in a futile attempt to free myself from the uncomfortable feelings of loss and pain. Out of my element and disconnected from my purpose, in the following years, my inner life became increasingly chaotic. I kept searching for meaning, even as my personal relationships and career succumbed to more chaos and confusion. I was fnally gripped by massive depression, to the point where I considered ending my life.

Around Christmas of 2007, I started to pray desperately for help and guidance, something I hadn’t done in years. Only ten weeks later, through the grace of divine guidance and the loving support of my mother, I found myself in Hawaii, on the island of Oahu. Within two weeks of arriving on Oahu in mid-March 2008, I had my frst huge spiritual awakening. It happened through a mystical healing that turned my life around in an incredible way. I also started reading many self-help books, applying to the best of my ability the techniques I’d learned. Some of the tools and steps I encountered yielded fast and fantastic results, others prompted new questions.

Wikipedia defnes a self-help book as a book written with the intention of instructing its readers about solving personal problems. Did you know that the history of self-help books goes as far back as the year 1859, to the bestseller Self-Help by Samuel Smiles, a Scottish author and government reformer? xii HAWAIIAN REBIRTH

And, did you know that now, almost 160 years later, there are more than a half-million products available on Amazon when you search for “self-help?” It’s evidence that countless people are out there, seeking a deeper understanding and a more fulf lling life. Over the past decade, I’ve read many self-help books, watched many transformational and spiritual movies and videos and attended numerous courses and workshops. Between 2008 and 2010, I literally became a transformational “workshop junkie.” All these authors and workshop leaders shine light on how we can improve our lives. Although each takes a slightly dif erent approach, with his or her unique point of view based on their rich life experiences, I have discovered that the advice we receive from these authors is not as diverse as I had initially believed. T ere are certain common threads in self-help books. In essence, most self- help books assert that you’ll have lasting positive changes in your life when you let go of old patterns and behaviors and continually replace them with positive habits.

Positive change happens when you let go of old patterns and behaviors and replace them with positive habits.

Author Simon Sinek states this principle wonderfully: “Optimists have a habit of seeing positive. Pessimists have a habit of seeing negative. All that is required to change a habit is practice.”

Here are ten of my favorite books in the self-help and transformation category that have positively inf uenced and inspired me, helping me to improve my life over the past decade. Please refer to my Recommended Reading List for more information on these wonderful books:

xiii Yves Nager

y Life’s Golden Ticket: A Story About Second Chances (Brendon Burchard) y Loving What Is: Four Questions Tat Can Change Your Life (Byron Katie) y Supreme Infuence: Change Your Life with the Power of the Language You Use (Niurka) y Te Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Gary Chapman) y Te Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (Don Miguel Ruiz) y Te Four Desires: Creating a Life of Purpose, Happiness, Prosperity, and Freedom (Rod Stryker) y Te Grace Factor: Opening the Door to Infnite Love (Alan Cohen) y Te Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment (Eckhart Tolle) y Your Hidden Riches: Unleashing the Power of Ritual to Create a Life of Meaning and Purpose (Janet Bray Attwood, Chris Attwood with Sylva Dvorak) y Zero Limits: Te Secret Hawaiian System for Wealth, Health, Peace, and More (Joe Vitale)

Why did these books positively impact my life? It was because the authors all had established some sort of relationship with me. I found each book’s content easy to apply straightaway and, more importantly, I was committed to continue working with what I’d learned. On the other hand, I confess I also experienced times when I put other self-help books I read down and gave up altogether. What was the diference between the books I stuck with and the books I xiv HAWAIIAN REBIRTH gave up on? Te diference was that the books that taught me valuable lessons were written with clarity and focus, they were readable, and they provided clear guidance and useful information. In short, they mapped out a path for the reader to follow.

Since my early teenage years, I’ve been passionate about creating orienteering maps. When I work on such a project, the frst step is to map what I believe will be useful to people trying to fnd their way through the same terrain in the future. For me as a mapper, out in the terrain, the main task is determining which features to put on the map and how to represent them. Te second task is creating a good design to enhance the readability of the map. I probably spend more time devising a clean and attractive design and layout than many other mappers do, because I always appreciate a readable map. It helps others trust my maps more. Generalization is the keyword here, meaning that I must focus on selection, simplifcation, displacement and exaggeration. You’ll fnd a section called “Mapping Your Inner Landscape” later in this book. Tis book was created in a similar fashion to how I create maps. I have put together many questions, tools and exercises that will be helpful to you in fnding your life’s purpose. Ten, I summarized them and compiled them into the 7 Questions, 12 Steps and 12 Stories you’re about to engage with. Of course, this book is not a direct representation of what your life’s journey is all about—just as an orienteering map is not the territory itself. But it will serve as a guide to help you understand the territory you’re in and how to move through it to enrich your life through self-development and self-empowerment.

Since my wife Eunjung and I got together in 2011, we’ve been teaching and sharing a variety of workshops covering topics such as energy work and self-development and we’ve been working at sacred sites with groups. It’s been essential for us to structure the contents of our teachings clearly and in a manner that’s easy to understand. We’ve

xv Yves Nager

also found that by presenting the information we share interactively, and by including inspiring personal stories, we can maximize the benef ts to our participants.

One of the challenges I face as a writer is that I don’t get feedback right away from readers. Having spent the past decade working with many people from various countries and cultural backgrounds, all I can try to do is anticipate the feelings, thoughts and behaviors that will arise while readers work with this book. T e only way for me to truly know your response, however—as well as any questions or results you may want to share—is if you leave me feedback on Amazon and through social media or email. I encourage you to do this and I welcome your honest comments. I hope you enjoy navigating this map to discovering your life’s purpose!

T is book is roadmap. You can use its questions, steps, and strategies to discover your gif s and fulf ll your destiny!

xvi

Arteries in Harmony Defending Our Arteries, Protect ng Our Lives, and Preserving Our Happiness in the Era of Obesity and Diabetes

LAS VEGAS, NV Table of Contents

Why You Should Read This Book: ...... vii

Where do I come from? ...... xiii

How to use this book ...... xv

Chapter 1: The Making of the Obese and Diabetc Society and the People Who Will Undo It ...... 1

Chapter 2: The Path of My Body ...... 21

Chapter 3 : The Path to An Unhealthy Lifestyle ...... 51

Chapter 4: The Path to Preventon, Health, Peace & Wellness ...... 67

Chapter 5: The Path Down the Middle of the Road ...... 105

Chapter 6: What is a Healthy Lifestyle? ...... 129

Chapter 7: The Vision: Living Healthy 360 Degrees ...... 169

Chapter 8: Epilogue ...... 221 Why You Should Read This Book:

Death cannot be defeated, but health can be earned!

Obesity. Diabetes. Artery Disease. Problems big and deep. For all of us.

Diabetes, the most feared child of obesity, is so much more than simply high blood sugar, metormin pills, insulin injectons, or controlling A1c. Diabetes brings complicatons that shater the very foundatons of our bodies. Treat diabetes with a casual attude, give it 8–10 years, and it will literally eat you alive. And your family. And your community. And, in a generaton or two, us all.

The plague of diabetes is hardly a US problem; China, Russia, and Brazil have as much diabetes as we do. While about 10 percent of the US adults are diabetc, the rate in Mexico is 15 percent, and in Saudi Arabia one in four. One in four!

Obesity afects more than one in three adults in the US. Beyond contributng to diabetes, obesity is also responsible for high blood pressure, abnormal cholesterol, several forms of cancer, and knee arthrits and confers increased risk for atrial fbrillaton, heart failure, and Alzheimer’s, all prime killer diseases of our tme.

As obesity and diabetes have spread worldwide, they are no longer simply an isolated epidemic; they are a global epidemic, a pandemic. Another pandemic, artery disease (high blood pressure, heart atacks, stroke, and sudden death) is a close iv | Arteries in Harmony relatve and a frequent consequence of obesity and diabetes. And as 85% of diabetcs die of artery disease, not high blood sugar, I refer to these conditons as a cluster, as the “obesity- diabetes-artery disease epidemic.”

Obesity, diabetes, and their complicatons (including artery and heart disease) have high health, social, and monetary costs. They can be present for many years or even decades without symptoms or any kind of warning. They are all silent killers, as, when cholesterol plaques suddenly and unpredictably become unstable, these diseases can kill within a few minutes; the tragedy that the sudden cardiac death of a person in his or her fortes, ffies, or sixtes brings to those lef behind is unimaginable. Obesity, diabetes, and their complicatons, thus, afect not only those who sufer directly from them, but also their families, their workplaces, and our society. Looking at obesity and diabetes simply through the eyes of medicine misses the point. These diseases come at a monetary cost of almost one trillion USD per year and afect everything that lies at the intersecton of money and health. They threaten not only lives but also family budgets (through insurance premiums, deductbles, and taxes), the entre health care system, and social safety nets like Medicare and Social Security. You must have heard those voices that warn us that Social Security and Medicare may not be around for the next generaton. An antcipated increase in interest rates will only make the problem worse, as the government will be forced to pay more money to cover interest on its borrowing, with less money being available for Social Security and Medicare. If the fear of bankrupt Social Security and Medicare ever becomes a reality, obesity, diabetes, and artery disease will have all played leading roles. One can only imagine how our society would look and functon without Social Security and Medicare! This Anthony Pothoulakis | v dire prospect should defne the vigor with which we should address the obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic today.

The obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic, on top of everything else, hurts our fght for a sustainable environment, as both livestock emissions (red meat being a favorite food choice for obese individuals) and the health and hospital care of diabetc patents signifcantly contribute to environmental polluton. So, every efort to curb the obesity-diabetes- artery disease epidemic also helps create a more sustainable environment and a viable and vibrant economy.

As obesity is caused by taking in more calories than we burn, the way to fght obesity must include: • Taking in (through foods and drinks) fewer calories • Burning (through movement and the development of body muscles) more calories

Taking in and burning calories is a lifestyle “choice”; in this respect, obesity (and its complicatons, including diabetes and artery disease) is a lifestyle disease. But since our lifestyle choices are, to a certain degree, determined by the social actvites we must partcipate in, like going to school as kids and working as adults, obesity is also afected by social factors. No lastng soluton to the obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic can be found without addressing both the individual responsibility for healthy lifestyle choices and the needed transformaton of our social environment so that it supports rather than disrupts those healthy individual choices.

This book is based on my 30-plus years as a cardiologist and a practcing physician. My practce of medicine was based not only on cardiac procedures and heart pills but also on vi | Arteries in Harmony eforts to communicate science and impart knowledge, not just informaton, to my patents and their families. I found this communicaton necessary to bring us on more equal terms and make us stronger as we were trying to fght or prevent heart and artery disease. This book refects my style of practcing medicine and my views on preventon and wellness, including the requirement that individuals accept responsibility for their lifestyle choices and whatever consequences these lead to. The book seeks to introduce, among others: • The less familiar but more deadly face of diabetes, namely diabetes as an artery disease, leading to heart atacks, stroke, and sudden death • Obesity and (type 2) diabetes as a social problem, not just a health issue • An expanded version of what a healthy lifestyle is, going beyond just diet and exercise • The fact that there are not enough hours in the day for the average working American to practce a healthy lifestyle • My vision for implementng a community-driven and community-wide, winning long-term strategy against the obesity, diabetes, and artery disease epidemic by creatng the WellPals (the friendly army of volunteers who will support healthy lifestyle decisions in the community and prime their friends and social contacts to become partners for wellness with their primary care providers), by transforming school and the workplace and by restrictng dangerous foods and drinks

As an engaged citzen and an actve member of the society, you have a stake in this issue, even if you are neither obese nor diabetc, even if you are slim and athletc, healthy and Anthony Pothoulakis | vii robust, and live in a place without hurricanes, wild forest fres, drought, famine, unstable economy, or social unrest. Getng to know beter the many faces of the obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic along with its medical complicatons and its fnancial and social consequences will help protect not only your future health and the health of your loved ones but also the sustainability of our community and our economy, possibly for generatons to come. It will make you a stronger person, a beter spouse, parent, child, working adult, employer, or retree, and a beter citzen of our country and our increasingly globalized world. And, please, consider becoming a WellPals (see Chapter 7) and help in the fght against the epidemic.

My Soluton to the epidemic: Living Healthy 360 degrees While the obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic seems to have the upper hand in most areas of the world, it is not unbeatable. A whole chapter in this book—Chapter 7—presents my vision, a cautously optmistc vision for an all out war against the epidemic. I am deeply concerned that, so far, we have treated this aggressively spreading and destructve epidemic too sofly. The solutons I propose, while based on the available scientfc evidence and common sense, are not mainstream and should impart a paradigm shif in how we address the epidemic. As obesity, the foundaton of the epidemic, rests on both lifestyle choices and conditons imposed by the social insttutons of school and the workplace, we must address not only individual responsibility (for practcing a healthy lifestyle) but also a generous amount of social changes. The successful public campaign against tobacco smoking and the teaching of CPR to non-healthcare professionals can be used as guiding examples for an all out war against the ep- viii | Arteries in Harmony

idemic. In partcular, on top of fghtng sugars and prolonged sitng at school and the workplace, the concept of Well- Pals, a friendly army of volunteers who will be knowledge- able enough to support public educaton and social transformaton and help their social contacts seek medical care when they must, is also introduced in Chapter 7.

Arteries in Harmony Obesity and diabetes kill primarily through artery disease: high blood pressure, heart atacks, stroke, and sudden death. And while very few people have perfectly healthy arteries, it is possible for most of us to pacify and stabilize whatever cholesterol plaques may be present in the walls of our arteries so that they never cause any trouble. This strategy of plaque stabilizaton (as opposed to the desirable but unrealistc strategy of zero cholesterol plaque) is achievable through preventon and wellness and by working closely with our primary care physician. Plaque stabilizaton translates into preventon of heart at- tacks, stroke, and sudden death and is the essence of arteries in harmony. It can be achieved through healthy lifestyle and, if needed, medical treatment of high blood pressure and LDL cholesterol.

Life is precious. Our bodies are precious. Our brains, hearts, livers, kidneys, and pancreases are precious. Arteries are double precious, as they support all our organs. As we cannot replace our critcal organs or our bodies, we would like to preserve their health and, for the purpose of this book, keep our arteries in as good a shape and for as many years as possible—within the framework of aging, heredity, and the wear and tear that comes along with our daily responsibilites to our families, our jobs, and society. Anthony Pothoulakis | ix

Modern medicine, in spite of its almost miraculous advances, holds no easy fxes. Serious diseases, like artery disease, diabetes, emphysema, and arthrits, can be treated, but there are no magical pills or procedures to cure them. This is why preventon of a disease and its complicatons, if possible, is the smarter choice, both for you, as an individual, and for all of us, as a society. Through preventon we can use the natural and high- tech healing powers of our bodies to maximize wellness and preserve our health assets. In this way, preventon and wellness contribute to the health of the individuals and the robustness of our society. Abusing our bodies through a dangerously unhealthy lifestyle, day in and day out, and expectng that, when disease strikes, there will be a magical, inexpensive, and safe treatment—a miraculous pill—is plain wrong and uterly unrealistc. Choose wisely; invest in your health and wellness!

To your health,

Dr. Anthony www.ArteriesInHarmony.com Where do I come from?

For most of the 30-plus years of my medical career I have been a cardiologist. My dutes have included invasive procedures in patents with heart atacks or chest pain, caring for acutely ill patents in hospital setngs, seeing less ill patents in the offce, and reading heart tests like ultrasound (“echocardiogram”), nuclear cardiology and other stress tests, and EKGs. My career enabled me to see a large number of patents and a large number of hearts, some healthy, some sick, and some very sick. One of my most dramatc experiences has been seeing the face of death in the form of a clot in a heart (“coronary”) artery. As most of these patents were either diabetc or smokers, both preventable conditons, I became very interested in preven- tve medicine. I also became interested in explaining difcult and complex but useful health concepts to my patents and their family members. For this reason I also pursued studies in philosophy of science and mathematcs, including approximate reasoning and fuzzy set theory. For the last 10 years, along with my other clinical dutes, I have been actve in the area of preventon. In 2012, I published Abdobesity my frst book, with my co-author Mr. Demosthenous. Abdobesity showcased the direct role of abdominal obesity (belly fat) in causing the metabolic syndrome and artery disease, like heart atacks and stroke. I strongly believe that members of the public—not doctors or “healthcare” insttutons—should lead preventon eforts if preventon is to be efectve. So, in 2015, I started Arteries in Harmony, a company with the purpose of disseminatng the principles of preventon and educatng the public about the obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic in an easy to under- Anthony Pothoulakis | xi stand and actonable way. I have held a health blog ever since, and now I am publishing my second book, Arteries in Harmony.

My passion has been to provide a learning experience to those who care about the obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic by helping them understand how these killer diseases are connected to each other; that the “sudden” component in sudden death, heart atacks, and stroke may not be so sudden afer all, as these diseases give subtle early warnings and can be prevented by following the right lifestyle; that these diseases threaten more than our health and the health of our loved ones, as they pose a threat to our progress, our economy, and the civil society. So, please, take advantage of my professional experience and what I have learned over my many years of studying and taking care of more than 100,000 patents face- to-face and become a credible source of advice to yourself, your loved ones, friends, and colleagues on issues related to the obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic. How to use this book

Arteries in Harmony looks at the health, social, and fnancial efects of obesity and its complicatons, mainly (type 2) diabetes, high blood pressure, and artery disease, the top killers of our tme.

Chapter 1 presents the obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic as a critcal health, social, and economic problem that concerns all of us, not just those who are obese or diabetc. It points out that the fght against the epidemic can only be fought successfully by us, the people, through a community- driven and community-wide, long-term campaign. Scientfc insttutons, hospitals and doctors, pills, and procedures provide knowledge and help defne the course and treatment of disease but cannot, by themselves, win the preventon and wellness game, as they cannot put “boots on the ground.”

Chapter 2 takes on the biology of obesity, diabetes, and artery disease. It explains how fat cells strangle the key members of our metabolism and artery health: • The liver, the main factory of our metabolism • The pancreas beta cells that produce insulin • Our arteries and heart cells

It explains the connecton between obesity, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and abnormal cholesterol, all components of the metabolic syndrome. It also explains why most of these diseases are “silent killers,” providing very few clues over the Anthony Pothoulakis | xiii years before they destabilize our cholesterol plaques and suddenly clog our arteries.

In Chapter 3 you learn ways to destroy your arteries, if you so wish. Key ingredients for artery destructon include not only a sedentary lifestyle and an unhealthy diet, but also smoking, stntng on your sleep, and abusing alcohol or drugs. Plus, you have to be patent, as youth will protect you for a couple of decades, even if you abuse your body.

Chapter 4 presents the exact opposite: the road to protectng your arteries and enjoying a long, productve, and healthy life. It is a mirror image of Chapter 3 and also compares two popular diets, the Paleo and Mediterranean diets.

Chapter 5 presents the difcultes and misconceptons that people are faced with as they try to change course, stop unhealthy habits, and start living healthier. These commendable people are actually the majority among us, as very few of us either have a perfect lifestyle or do not care at all about our health. In this chapter you will fnd practcal tps as to how transiton into a healthy lifestyle the best way possible.

Chapter 6 defnes what a healthy lifestyle really is, going beyond diet, exercise, and not smoking. It incorporates elements like sleep, limitng sitng and very long work hours, treatng high blood pressure or high LDL with medicatons, if necessary, getng age-appropriate screening tests and immunizatons, avoiding alcohol and illicit drug abuse, avoiding long-term use of NSAIDs and opioids, having a rich social life, and avoiding falls and accidents. xiv | Arteries in Harmony

Chapter 7 presents details of my vision for an all out war against the obesity-diabetes-artery disease epidemic: • How to energize and mobilize the community through the creaton of the WellPals, the friendly army of volunteers • How to transform school and the workplace to include more moving and less sitng • How to restrict the use of sugary foods and beverages

Chapter 8 is the Epilogue. Here you will look back through the journey of life, being actve and productve into the third age, the challenge of Alzheimer’s, and your legacy in the war against the epidemic.

SUPERHUMAN ENTREPRENEUR

DR. JONES AND DR. ACCURSO

LAS VEGAS, NV CHAPTER 1 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift

“The sign of a good doctor should be how many patients he can get off medications; not how many people he puts on medications.” - Dr. Joseph W. Accurso

Imagine this. You’re sitting in a doctor’s waiting room when all of a sudden a woman rushes in with a dog that has been hit on the side of the road. It was hit so hard that it’s hip bones had been fractured beyond repair, so much that the poor dog could no longer use it’s hind legs. After emergency care, Betsy the dog is strolling in to the clinic getting her weekly adjustments and to everyone’s disbelief, Betsy was pregnant! She was now dragging her hind legs behind her but she was happier than ever for her life. She birthed all the puppies successfully but guess how they walked… failing there front legs in front and dragging her hind legs behind.

2 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift

The veterinarian had the hardest time getting the puppies to realize that their back legs worked. He was trying to let them know, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with your legs, you’ve just been modeling the dysfunction that’s in front of you.” He began the process of teaching the puppies to walk the way they were designed to walk, the way they were created to walk, the way they were born to walk. This is a true story and it happens to all of us whether we realize it or not.

You were designed to live and function a certain way. Your destiny is so much greater than your history. You’ve been taught to walk a certain way, to think a certain way through this life. Whether it was by your parents, a teacher, a spouse, a friend; someone has spoken into your life and you’ve bought it hook line and sinker, for better or worse. ENTREPRENEUR

When it comes to unlocking high performance we have to go back before these words were spoken into your life. All the way back to the start. Two itty bitty cells in your mother’s womb. Look at you, all cozy and warm, ready to make more cells and become the debonair person you are today. Your two-cell-self then turned into 4 then 6 then 8 then 12 then Bam! You were a bud on top of a pole.

Believe it or not we all start out as minuscule anuses called a blastopore but I’m skipping that part for the sake of making this story as cool as possible...so calling someone an A-hole is actually very factual. Next time

3 Dr. Jones and Dr. Accurso

someone blurts that out at you in traffc make sure to yell back, “you were once a minuscule anus dude!” I digress.

The second thing you became is a mushroom. The “bud” is your brain and your “pole” is your spinal cord. That‘s how signifcant those 2 structures are, they were created second to your anus. Wrapped around your pole were trillions of tiny nerves that now innervate your entire body, heart, lungs, eyes, big toes, everything.

Here’s where it gets good: Guess what percent of those nerves feel pain?

Only approximately 10% feel pain. The other 90 percent

SUPERHUMAN control function.

So let me ask you a question. If you wanted to be a healthy vibrant person who stays out of hospitals, surfs huge waves when you’re 70 and has a titanium immune system, what makes more sense to pay attention to, the feeling or the function? The 10% or the 90%?

Exactly: The 90%!

Now let me ask you this: Right now, in this very moment, how do you know you’re healthy? If you’ve never heard my doctors report to my patients then I’ll probably get this right. Does your answer revolve around how you’re feeling? “I never get sick! I feel wonderful today!” This is analogous to saying “I’m not in pain and I don’t have a

4 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift debilitating illness, therefore I am well.” Sadly this is as far from the truth as you can possibly be.

Let me explain further. Have you ever known or heard of someone who passed away unexpectedly with a clean bill of health? We’ve all heard the all-too-frequent sad stories and the fact is, if you were to ask those people how they felt an hour before their time was up they all would have mostly likely said, “I feel fne.”

For all you analytics out there that need more science to back up what I’m explaining, allow me to bring in the Merck Manual, the world’s number one best selling medical textbook. The book that every doctor is given as a feld guide to almost every known disease on the planet earth. Yes, the same book that many of us fell asleep reading at night during fnals. ENTREPRENEUR

Inside we fnd everything from Lupus to Foreign Accent Syndrome. Foreign Accent Syndrome is when someone uncontrollably speaks in different accents, it’s very much a real thing!

Back to the Merck; do you know what the number one common denominator in every disease listed in the Mer- ck manual is, at frst, the disease develops silently. Dis- ease develops with zero symptoms at frst and then over time, it shows itself in various ways.

Why am I telling you this? Three reasons:

5 Dr. Jones and Dr. Accurso

1. Besides where you choose to place your faith, this is the most important conversation you will ever have in your life.

2. The choices you make will dictate the years in your life and the life in your years. As in, how long you live and whether those years are spent running laps with the grandkids or in a nursing home.

3. Your life and the life of your family depend on the choices you make when it comes to your health.

There are currently two mindsets out there in the world of health; prevention and symptom relief. One is a vital-

SUPERHUMAN istic mentality and the other is a allopathic mentality.

Before I get into each I want to start out by saying that America has the #1 emergency care system in the world. If you lose your arm in an accident, you want to be in an American hospital with one of the best medical teams the world has to offer. On the other hand, if you want to be well and stay well, conventional medical treatment will not serve you well. America has more drugs and more surgeries per capita, per year than any other country in the world yet America rates #36 in health. We are almost dead last.

Let me tell you a story. Throughout my childhood I clearly remember a poem that was in almost every doctor’s waiting room bathroom I had ever stepped foot into. You could consider me a doctors waiting room bathroom

6 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift

expert of sorts. There was one point where I could guess how many sheets were left on a toilet paper roll before entering and I would normally be very close; I was like a 2-ply psychic. Needless to say, I was never duped by an empty roll. The poem was written by Joseph Malins in 1895; here’s how the beginning goes:

‘Twas a dangerous cliff, as they freely confessed, Though to walk near its crest was so pleasant; But over its terrible edge there had slipped A duke and full many a peasant. So the people said something would have to be done, But their projects did not at all tally; Some said, “Put a fence ’round the edge of the cliff,” Some, “An ambulance down in the valley.”

Mr. Malins was a temperance activist which is someone ENTREPRENEUR who is against consumption of alcoholic beverages. This poem really hit home even more when I found that out. Think about how many lives could be saved if there was no drinking and driving or violence under the infuence. Pretty hefty thought. Malins wrote this poem to describe the difference between prevention and cure. I’m a frm believer in breaking things down to their simplest form and to us, this poem breaks down the current environment in our healthcare system but don’t take our word for it.

Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini states it this way, “The system, he said, needs to be fxed so it helps people achieve their health goals and live a life they want to lead.

7 Dr. Jones and Dr. Accurso

Understanding the unique issues affecting a person’s health will help solve the problems with the current healthcare system”, Bertolini added.

“People don’t defne their health as a disease; they defne health as a barrier to living the life they want to lead,” he said. “… If we understand that person-by-person, we can actually solve this problem.”

I’d like you to ask yourself a very important question:

Are you putting up fences when it comes to your health or do

SUPERHUMAN you have an ambulance waiting for you when you fall into disease and dysfunction?

This book is all about high performance, but before we dive into the most successful high performance strategies available and highlight the elite performers who use them, we frst need to lay the groundwork for what you’re up against every day.

This climb is not an easy one. It’s full of crags, falling rocks, slippery slopes and at times, it feels like you’re climbing all by yourself. But know this, you are born a Superhuman and like all superhumans, you have your weaknesses and you have your strengths. Know both and know them well. This allows you to never climb alone but rather place individuals with different gifts around you that can help you reach higher everyday.

8 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift

Have You Been Operating in The Death Zone?

It’s 12pm and I barely wake to fnd myself on the foor of my quaint little bachelor pad on the outskirts of town. I’ve been studying Guyton’s Physiology in prep for a huge fnal; the book fnally did its work like a big mug of Chamomile and magnesium. I often thought of my side hustle through grad school; making a dreamscape audio program complete with Barry White reading the frst few chapters of Guyton. Global insomnia solved!

Suddenly I’m enthralled with the National Geographic channel following climbers up the Khumbu IceFalls, the most dangerous path up Mt. Everest.

One of the climbers had disappeared and a sherpa had ENTREPRENEUR been sent in to rescue him. Sherpas are the last hope on Everest, when everything fails, the local Sherpa is the guiding light that sometimes hauls climbers down the mountain when all hope is lost.

In this particular situation, the sherpa had found the climber sitting listlessly against a snowy embankment. The Sherpa gave the climber a hard shake and I couldn’t believe what happened next, the climber lifted his head in slow motion, looked the sherpa dead in the eye and said, “let me sleep”. I was shaken out of my 12pm stu- por. Here this man is about to die and all he wants to do is sleep! I was completely enthralled by what was happening.

9 Dr. Jones and Dr. Accurso

Being a philosophy buff, I naturally broke out the greatest philosophy text I could fnd, Wikipedia and began to research the daylights out of Everest. I quickly found out why this climber wanted sleep more than life. On certain high altitude points around the world, Everest being one of the most renowned, there’s a place above 26,250 feet where oxygen drops signifcantly.

This place has appropriately been named the Death Zone. In fact nearly all of the 200+ climbers who have died on Everest passed away in the Death Zone. The crazy part is, the climber usually has no idea they are dying. The body begins to fall asleep as O2 levels in the blood begin to plummet. In these situations, a Sherpa

SUPERHUMAN has a matter of minutes to pull a climber to safety before life is lost.

Can you think of any symptoms or experiences you have that simulate this phenomenon? It’s comfortable and en- joyable to fall asleep, but not if you’re 5 miles in the air laying down in a snowstorm. It’s comfortable and en- joyable to engage in some health and lifestyle practices, but those short-term satisfactions can hide long-term consequences.

So How Important is Your Health to YOU?

On a scale of 1 to 10 - with 1 being “I don’t care at all, let’s skydive without a parachute!” and 10 is “My health

10 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift is my #1 priority and I protect it like something sacred” - how important is your health to you?

Did you say 10? Great answer! That’s the way it should be. Your health is the most valuable thing you have on this earth because if you lose it, you lose everything. You lose the dreams you have with your spouse, you lose little league games with the little guy, you lose tea time with the princesses, everything goes away.

I’d like to take you through an exercise right now that has foored thousands of high performers across the globe. Every time we do this activity with someone they either say, “That just rocked mY world!” or “I’m blown away!” Kate, an executive in our platinum program, actually challenged us that she could fnd someone who got “IT” in her boardroom. She came back and shocked. It’s ENTREPRENEUR defnitely an eye opener but even more than that, it’s a life transformer.

Now, you and I just agreed health is the most important thing we have on this earth so now you and I are going to hit the street together for a little thing I like to call “Ask The Stranger.” The purpose of Ask The Stranger is to get a gauge on how many people have a specifc agenda and plan for staying superhuman into their 80’s. Ready?!

For over 3 years, at nearly every health screening I per- formed in my community, I would poll each individual with this exact question: “Sir/Ma’am do you have a specifc strategy to keep yourself thriving into your 80’s?”

11 Dr. Jones and Dr. Accurso

Out of all my years of personally polling hundreds of individuals, not once did I hear a confdent “Yes!” - Instead, I heard things like, “Yeah, I take vitamins!” or “Of course, I exercise everyday” or my favorite, “Don’t need to, I feel fne.”

Don’t get me wrong those things are amazing and defnitely help but it’s like you asking me what I do to keep my car in tip top shape and I exclaim, “I change the oil!” You’d most likely laugh at me and think “This guy doesn’t have a clue,” you’d be right. We all know that the clean oil is one of many necessary components for a high-performance vehicle. So why is it that we think that by taking vitamins or exercising or avoiding the oh so evil Dr. Glu- ten it will carry us into our Mercedes Eighties? SUPERHUMAN The short answer: We’ve seen it done before and we think, “Hey, if they can do it, I can do it.” Grandpa Jones smoked Marlboros when he was 10 going on 40, drank bourbon at every meal, ate Burger King 2 times a week and never exercised a day in his life...

So. Can. I...

Prove It

Do you remember middle school? There was a saying that no 8th grader could ever escape from when dared to do something; if the person daring the other said this one thing, all hope was lost. We were victims to this hei- nous crime known as “Prove It!” It would always start with the simplest of dares but then the motherlode

12 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift would always come and a faint voice in the crowd would yell out, “Prove It!”. In that moment you knew the whole quarter pounder with cheese would have to be eaten in 5 seconds, the sweet Schwinn bike would have to be rid- den off the dock or that girl you’ve been avoiding for fear you’d drop dead by speaking one word to would now have to get asked to the dance. To a kid, all the world stops for the tiny phrase: Prove It!

But 8th grade was a long time ago, so let’s elevate this exercise into adulthood. We will prove to you using science and frst-hand experience why you can’t live like Grandpa Rick and expect to live to 101. See, little does Grandpa Rick know, he is a product of a robust gene pool, a gene pool that dates back thousands and thousands of years. In fact, you are a product of that gene ENTREPRENEUR pool as well! Everything that comprises You is the result of hard-fought genetic battles for survival by your ancestors.

The way they moved, the way they ate and the way they thought all contributed to the genes you now have inside you. Ever wonder why the sleek, beautiful model who chain smokes like a locomotive and parties till two every night continues to look like she just stepped out of Vogue? She’s been blessed with genes that her ancestors have worked very hard to cherish and nurture. Whether our ancestors knew it or not, every decision they made when it came to there bodies ran down the

13 Dr. Jones and Dr. Accurso

gene pool straight into us! And the same goes for your children and theirs and theirs and…you get it.

For better or worse, our bodies are the cumulative evolution of our ancestral gene pools with origins stretching back millennia. One of the ironies of life is that the very same genes that have survived in your bloodline since time immemorial sometimes allow us to do bad things to our bodies and not immediately experience the consequences of those actions. The following story illustrates how this phenomenon plays out in practice.

The 4 Brothers SUPERHUMAN There were once four brothers who all lived in a very small house with there father. One day the father came to the oldest brother and said: “Son, I’ve built you a wonderful house for you to stay in until you get on your feet. This will give us all more room in the house and it will provide you with some responsibility as well. Please take great care of this gift as your next brother in line will inherit it from you and so on and so forth until fnally your youngest brother will move in.”

The brother thanked his father profusely and soon enough, he moved into the amazing new house. The older brother loved to throw extravagant balls and invite all his friends over to enjoy his new found inheritance. Someone would occasionally drop a drink that stained the foor, small dents, chips and scratches would surface

14 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift but each individual one seemed inconsequential in con- text of how great the overall house was.

At last the brother moved out and passed the house onto the second brother in line. This brother was a nature lover and loved plants so much that he decided to move them all inside. So enthralled with plants was this brother that he neglected foors becoming continuously more dirty with each new addition to his indoor garden.

Time passed and eventually the third brother moved in. As it turns out this brother had a knack for skateboarding and loved fipping his board and grinding the axles along the outdoor stairs and railings. In fact, brother number three set up the backyard to have skating competitions with his friends, after which they’d carry on the frst brothers tradition of partying with friends. ENTREPRENEUR

At last, the youngest brother moved in only to fnd the beautiful home his father built in shambles. By only focusing on the fun experiences the house provided the younger three brothers, they neglected to notice the in- creasing wear and tear their activities left on home. The youngest brother’s inheritance lay in ruin, bordering on uninhabitable.

“Wait a second” you say, “with effort the younger brother can restore his home back to its former glory!” This takes him many years of saving, renovating and repair- ing the previous house. He gets his friends together and every weekend is a work party. They redo the foors,

15 Dr. Jones and Dr. Accurso

patch the drywall, rip out studs and trusses eaten by ter- mites, replace hardware, redo the landscaping, replace old plumbing and virtually turn the place into a new pad.

After years of effort, repair, sacrifce and hard work to restore the home, the younger brother fnally wakes up one morning, looks around and is pleased with the home he’ll spend the rest of his life in.

Genetic Swimming Pool

The story of the four brothers is an accessible analogy to help understand your genetic makeup. Your relatives before you caused either harm or health to their bodies, SUPERHUMAN hence affecting their genes - and many years, decades or centuries later - yours as well.

This process is called epigenetics and the great part is, and collectively is much more powerful than any specific gene sequence. Indeed, you can actually change and improve your genes, which allows you to bless your children with superhuman genes! How cool is that? I always joke and say that if my daughter ever asks me what I’m leaving to her, I’ll say excitedly, “I leave you genes, glorious genes!” While that may be good for a laugh, in fact it isn’t a joke at all.

I get asked quite often in interviews about my big why. “What drives you to take care of your mind, body and spirit the way you do?” My answer is always the same. “I want to leave a legacy for my family.” Underpinning this simple

16 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift sentence are a number of more complex motivations. In a nutshell, I want to be a dad, a husband, a son that lives up to my God-given ability and I want to pass down an inheritance worth much more than earthly treasure to my children.

This inheritance I speak of involves giving my children the best fghting chance to live up to their innate potential. To actualize the superhuman potential that God has placed inside of them when they were just two cells in their mother’s womb. Here’s the catch. I would have had to begin this process 10 years ago so that I could infuse this superhuman gene potential into their DNA. Plus it takes two to tango. My wife lovely wife would have to do the same thing. Thankfully we learned this information a long time ago, decided to actually put it into practice, and we’ve been living the “superhuman lifestyle” for a ENTREPRENEUR very long time. Now, you may be thinking, “Wait a minute doctor, does that mean my offspring are at a disadvantage since I’m just now hearing this?!” My answer is always an adamant, “Heck No!”

Epigenetics is your key to unlock superhuman levels of performance, enjoyment and health for yourself and your family. Yes, you have the ability Right Now to shift your genetic potential towards superhuman status. Whether you’ve just realized you should have started planning for optimal health years ago, or you are excited to crest the next level of superhuman performance, the fact is you and your family have the power change the trajectory of your gene’s evolution starting today!

17 Dr. Jones and Dr. Accurso

Throughout this book we’re going to share the strategies we have refned and shared with some of the world’s top performers. Olympic athletes, NFL players and ex- ecutives of large companies have historically been the benefciaries of our collective knowledge, wisdom and experience. Now you have access to the same strategies right here in Superhuman Entrepreneur.

Before we embark on this epic epigenomic adventure to optimize your health and have you feeling and looking like a million bucks, let’s be upfront about a few important things:

We love late night movies, ice cream, thick crust Chi-

SUPERHUMAN cago-style pizza and most importantly, gloriously gooey donuts. We need to tell you this because none of us are perfect. Even superhumans succumb to sweet tooth cravings on occasion. Essentially, this is one of your super powers. But we’re not saying eating trans fat and gluten is your superpower. What we are saying is that enjoying life and not taking yourself too seriously is one of the greatest superpowers you already possess.

This innate superpower enables you to relinquish stress, sleep like a baby and enjoy a life full of love and happiness. In our opinion, this is the greatest super power we could ever wield. There is no long-term upside to being paranoid about every meal, exercise plan and ounce of weight. This life is too good to walk around worried all the time.

18 The Superhuman Paradigm Shift

You’ve been given a miraculous body that is magnifcent- ly and wonderfully made. Made in the image of a God who loves you beyond your wildest imaginations. Our responsibility is to keep it functioning at the highest level possible. Whether you’ve been born with no arms or legs like the powerhouse speaker Nick Vujicic or you get to wake up with all your parts, you have a purpose and a mission on this earth and it all starts with the very frst gift you ever received, your body. ENTREPRENEUR

LET GO Conquer Your Fear Without Quitting

TORBEN RIF

LAS VEGAS, NV TABLE OF CONTENTS

PREFACE...... vii

LET GO ...... 3 AN INSECURE CONFIDENT KID ...... 15 Sports became my rescue ...... 17 My abilities in cheating ...... 19 The Special Forces and my Wake-Up Call ...... 22 The self-confdence test ...... 24 With my pride intact ...... 26 The old Chinese Man ...... 29 Meeting my Master ...... 31 How could he do it? ...... 37 The humiliations continued ...... 38 I lost it! ...... 41 When I really lost face ...... 43 The truth wanted to come out ...... 46 Something inside me had changed ...... 49 A WARRIOR REBORN ...... 51 From being SOMEONE to BEING ...... 53 My own role as Master ...... 55 My teaching became complete ...... 57

ii LET GO OF WHAT? ...... 61 THE THREE STEPS TO LETTING GO ...... 63 Step 1: The invisible cause ...... 65 Step 2: The lesson underneath ...... 75 Step 3: Make peace and let go ...... 89

LET GO. WITHOUT GIVING UP ...... 101 What does it take? ...... 103 We have all practiced for years! ...... 105 Find a really good reason ...... 107 What motivates you? ...... 111 Why let go of something now? ...... 115 SUMMARY ...... 119

iii PREFACE By Rasmus Bengtsen, MA Chinese Studies

To Lose Face in China ”Man cannot live without face. Trees cannot live without their bark” (Chinese proverb).

Face isn’t taken lightly in Chinese culture. The word “face” in this proverb is, of course, not about a person’s physical appearance, but a ref ection of pride, dignity, and stature in the eyes of the world around him. The expression “to lose face” in English actually comes from the Chinese expression “diu mianzi.”

In China, “face” means a lot more than it does in the West. Many who come to China might think that the Chinese are overly sensitive. But in truth, losing face in China is a very serious, stigmatizing matter. In comparison to the rather harsh tone that one would experience in their interactions with Danes, one would observe that the Chinese tiptoe

iv around one another. Just being contradicted at a social gathering can, to them, be considered a loss of face, and not being aware of this might cost you a friendship.

The importance of reputation is weighted diferently in every society, but the current TV phenomenon The X Factor clearly illustrates the diference between the Chinese and Westerners. In the Chinese version of The X Factor, a lot of time is spent caring for the ego of the looser; just as the harsh Simon Cowell type is much milder in China. There exists ingrained aversion to losing face—not only in losing one’s own face but also in causing another to lose face.

Just as you can win face through victories and successes, you can lose face by failing. Many Western leaders in China have come to realize that their employees will quit if criticized in front of their colleagues. They would simply rather be unemployed that live with the loss of face.

It cannot be overestimated how important the concept of face is in a hierarchical society like that of the Chinese. A serious loss of face is equal to a serious drop down the social ladder, and one will do whatever it takes in order to avoid it.

v INTRODUCTION

The purpose of the book is to help people break the habits and beliefs that prevent them from living the life they dream about. Several of the beliefs that many people have created are connected to experiences in the past.

Everything we’ve been through has made us what we are today, both good and bad. Whatever we have experienced, it has taught us something about how life is—what we can and cannot say, think, or do. Because these are only beliefs, however, they can be changed.

My goal is to give people who feel trapped or stuck some practical tools that they can use to change beliefs that have become obstacles to achieving their goals. With these tools, they can move towards a life where they are true to themselves, where they don’t stop, no matter what others say and think about them, and where they follow their hearts.

I wrote this book because, for many years—most of my life, really—I felt trapped in a pattern where I have struggled to maintain the ego and the facade I had built up. I have

1 certainly been successful in many areas, but at the same time I have sufered from low self-esteem and beliefs that I wasn’t good enough.

My dream is that other people experience the same freedom that I experienced when I LET GO. It’s the wildest feeling to have the courage and the strength to be myself, to stand up and show myself as I am, no matter what others may say or think.

I do not have a recognized education, and I am not a therapist or psychologist, nor do I boast having magic tools for success, but I have studied, trained and taught in Chinese martial arts for more than 30 years. I have worked with people most of my life and worked as a kind of coach and supervisor for thousands of students over the years.

I have taught business leaders and their employees in this Chinese philosophy and strategy for more than 20 years— primarily for confict resolution, communication, and for the purpose of LETTING GO and being present. I have taught them in the art of overcoming their fears without giving up, as well as the art of achieving their goals, no matter what.

I have had my own business since 1994 and continue to run a successful business where I lecture and train instructors in Wudang tai chi chuan and qigong.

2 THE KEY IS PRACTICE: WUDANG TAI CHI CHUAN

LET GO is based on my own life experiences and my long career with Chinese martial arts, especially Wudang tai chi chuan. I started like many others in my generation with karate and the toughest type of martial arts in the military. I have always been fascinated by martial arts, and Bruce Lee was my role model.

What is Wudang tai chi chuan? Tai chi chuan is a Chinese martial art that is best known for its slow, aesthetic movements. Why is it that we move so slowly? It’s like we’ve almost stopped and cannot move faster.

Wudang is the name of this style, and we use this name to recognize Chang San-Feng as the founder of tai chi chuan. He lived in the Wudang Mountains in China. There are many diferent styles, and even though each style does the techniques a bit diferently, our basic goal is the same: inner peace, harmony, and balance.

3 There are many reasons why we move slowly.

Here are some of the most important, from my point of view: As we move very slowly and breathe through the nose with the mouth closed, then the lungs will expand down instead of out, meaning, according to the Chinese, we get deeper and longer breathing, which means we get more oxygen (qi) into the body and to the cells. More oxygen to the cells means stronger health.

As we move slowly and relax as much as possible, without losing the body structure and technique, we work deeper into the muscles and strengthen their stabilizing components. There is an old saying that says, “When a Tai Chi Master is standing, you cannot move him.”

It has nothing to do with size and strength but how the master uses the dif erent parts of the body as one, especially the stabilizing part of the muscles.

The keys to a good foundation, both physically and mentally, are the more mysterious exercises called nei gung. Nei gung means internal strength, and the exercises direct us to work inside and out—we build the body from within rather than all the superf cial work we see in some other forms of training.

“Without gung, martial art is waste of time.” Chinese proverb

4 It requires both physical and mental strength to live with all the challenges we face in everyday life, and nei gung is my way of creating this foundation. The exercises are a kind of qigong (energy work), just better. The complete set consists of 24 exercises: one set of 12 yin exercises and one set of 12 yang exercises. Each set takes about an hour to complete and will give you a great foundation.

You must have some foundation before learning these exercises, and therefore, it takes typically a year before you are allowed to “walk inside the door” and learn them. They are not secret but are reserved for dedicated students, students who really are interested in strengthening their health both physically and mentally and are also capable of providing the efort it requires.

The key to a life in balance is practice and daily exercise, both physically and mentally. Wudang Tai Chi Chuan, Qigong, and the tools in this book can help us provide a solid foundation so we are even better equipped when we meet challenges and resistance.

WORK LIKE AN IMMIGRANT

9 KEYS TO UNLOCK YOUR POTENTIAL, ATTAIN TRUE FULFILLMENT, AND BUILD YOUR LEGACY TODAY

CARLOS SIQUERA

LAS VEGAS, NV Contents

Preface ...... 1 Introduction...... 3 About the Book ...... 9

Part 1: My Story ...... 7

Chapter 1: My Journey Begins ...... 9 My Father ...... 9 My Mother ...... 11 Life or Death? ...... 14 Early Education ...... 16 My First Business Venture ...... 18 Finding My Niche ...... 22 My Grandparents ...... 24 Working Collections ...... 26 Challenging Bias and Discrimination ...... 27 Early Days as a Coach ...... 29 Drug Daze...... 33 A Growing Desire ...... 35 My Last Day in Brazil ...... 37

Chapter 2: Early Days in the United States ...... 41 From Boston to Framingham to Marlborough ...... 43 First Full Day in the USA ...... 46 Learning English ...... 48 Finding My Way Around ...... 49 My First Car ...... 51 Setbacks and Success ...... 53 A Second Job ...... 58 I Want a Faca ...... 59 A Tird Job ...... 61 Pulled Over by the Police ...... 62 Committed to My Mission ...... 63

Chapter 3: Door-to-Door Sales ...... 67 I’m on Fire: My First Day ...... 70 Reaching Higher ...... 75 Second Chances ...... 78 Hope for the Hopeless ...... 81

Chapter 4: A Downward Spiral ...... 89 Poor Choices ...... 90 It Gets Worse ...... 93 Depression Closes In ...... 94 Smoking Crack Cocaine ...... 95 Redemption ...... 97

Chapter 5: A New Beginning ...... 101 Next Stop: Harrisburg ...... 104 A Challenging Mentee ...... 106 Heading South ...... 110 Perils of Success ...... 111 Tragedy Strikes Again ...... 112 Chapter 6: Leaps of Faith ...... 117 A New Challenge: Gangs ...... 119 Conquering Fresno, Merced, and Modesto ...... 122 Changing Teams ...... 125 Finding the Love of My Life ...... 127

Chapter 7: Struggling to Achieve My Work-Life Balance 133 Family Illness ...... 139 Another Blow ...... 143 More Fallout ...... 146 Shifing Focus ...... 149 Concerns About My Health ...... 154 Choosing the Path to a Healthier Me ...... 157 Appreciating the Value of a Good Coach ...... 159 Helping Clients Achieve Teir Aha Moment ...... 161 An Important Lesson ...... 163 Finding the Right Clients ...... 165 Getting Unstuck ...... 167 A Wrong Assumption ...... 171 Having All I Need ...... 172

Part 2: Nine Steps to Health, Wealth, Happiness, and Fulfllment ...... 175

Step 1: Control Your Mind, Control Your Destiny ...... 177 Dream Like a Child ...... 179 What Would You Do, If . . . ? ...... 181 Daily Vision ...... 183 Keep the Faith ...... 183 Recognize Your Negative Toughts ...... 184 Challenging Limiting Beliefs...... 187 Conducting Your Daily Interview of the Truth ...... 188 What Else Can Tis Mean?...... 189 Turning from Problems to Solutions ...... 191 Daily Rituals: Te Triple Trizzo Carlito’s Way Technique .. 192 Awaken the Warrior Within You ...... 195 Pump Yourself Up with Afrmations ...... 196

Step 2: Harness the Power of Purpose and Passion .....199 Discover Your Purpose in Life ...... 202 Discover Purpose in Problems ...... 204 Explore Your Skills ...... 205 Celebrate Your Accomplishments ...... 206 Find the Right Match ...... 208 Dream Big, Ten Make It Bigger ...... 210 Prime Yourself Daily ...... 211 Make a Bucket List ...... 212 Beware of Dream Killers ...... 213 Te Moment of Truth ...... 214 Fuel Your Inner Drive ...... 215 Convert “Would” and “Should” to “Must” ...... 216 Stay on Purpose ...... 216

Step 3: Do It—Te Plan and Te Process ...... 219 Plan—Break It Down ...... 220 Schedule Your Days ...... 221 Focus on “Te Process” ...... 221 Strive for a Healthy Work-Life Balance ...... 222 Find Time ...... 225 Make Time ...... 227 Achieve Time Mastery ...... 227

Step 4: Invest in Yourself ...... 229 Embrace Continual Purposeful Learning ...... 229 Ask Questions ...... 232 Explore Diferent Ways to Learn ...... 233 Use It or Lose It ...... 233 Invest in Your Career ...... 234 Invest in Your Health and Fitness...... 236 Invest in Your Relationships ...... 237 Invest in Your Financial Future ...... 239 Invest Wisely ...... 241 Invest in Your Business ...... 243 Invest by Teaching Positive Tinking ...... 244

Step 5: Persist: Continuous Joyful Execution ...... 247 Persistence = Continuous Joyful Execution ...... 248 Know Your Why ...... 249 Plan and Prepare for the Future, but Act in the Present..... 251 Be Patient ...... 252 Another Perspective ...... 253 Failure Happens ...... 253 Take the Persistence Challenge ...... 255

Step 6: Face Uncertainty with Certainty ...... 258 Do It...... 258 Replace Uncertainty with Confdence ...... 259 Engage Your Higher Self ...... 260 Be Confdent; You Can’t Fake It ...... 263 Burn the Past ...... 264 Step 7: Collaborate ...... 267 Find a Great Mentor ...... 268 Be a Great Mentee ...... 272 Ask Yourself the Right Questions ...... 274 Take the 99 Day Best Self Challenge ...... 275 Collaborate with Colleagues, Friends, Family, and Others 279 Collaborate with Your Competitors ...... 281

Chapter 8: Clarify and Communicate Your Mission ...284 Write Your Mission Statement ...... 284 Speak Passionately about What You Do ...... 288 Take the Passionate Speaker Challenge ...... 290 Sharpen Your Communication Skills ...... 290 Know Your ABC’s: Always Be Closing ...... 293

Chapter 9: Contribute! ...... 299 Give with No Expectation of Return ...... 300 Preserve Your Relationships by Giving and Lending the Right Way ...... 302 Give Yourself ...... 303 Look for Trouble ...... 304 Be Generous ...... 304 Let Life Flow through You ...... 305 Take the Contributor’s Challenge ...... 306

Part 3: Principles and Practices ...... 309

Te 9 Guiding Principles ...... 311

28 Practical Techniques and Exercises for Success ..... 313 Preface

I will never take you to a place I haven’t been. —Carlos Siqueira

My mother and I traveled from an impoverished neighborhood in Brazil to the United States with only $800 and a few changes of clothes. We had to borrow money from my uncle to cover the fight since all our savings from over the years wasn’t enough. We both spoke Portuguese, and I spoke some broken English I had learned mostly from songs and movies. Over the course of sixteen years, I rose from poverty to wealth, in riches and in spirit, documenting my journey along the way. Crime was rampant in my neighborhood in Brazil. Shootouts between police and criminals and among rival gangs were common. Children are taught from a very young age that when they hear gunfre, they should drop and cover their heads. Although I have always been proud and bold, I ofen had to fall to the ground in my youth to dodge bullets. On several occasions, I was robbed at gunpoint. Undoubtedly, some people in the US and other countries have grown up under similar conditions and have achieved success in spite of, and perhaps partially because of, such adversity. Unfortunately, they comprise a small minority. Te majority are ofen defeated or, in some cases, attain only a fraction of what they are truly capable of achieving. Even more tragic, in my eyes, are those who are blessed with advantages and given ample opportunities to succeed but never 2 Carlos Siqueira reach their potential or attain fulfllment. Instead of taking control and steering their ship to the land of plenty, they drif aimlessly, letting life’s currents and waves determine their destiny, even to the point of being stranded on a sandbar or crashing against the rocks. I wrote this book to tell my story and share the lessons I learned in the process—lessons from experience and from wise souls who generously shared their knowledge and insights by mentoring me personally or through their books, videos, or audio recordings. My hope is that by reading this book, you will gain the inspiration and wisdom to dream big, make your dreams your reality, achieve a healthy work-life balance, and give generously to build thriving communities and a better world. All you need to succeed is within you, and now all you need to do is learn to work like an immigrant! Introduction

Te more I practice, the luckier I get. —Arnold Palmer

We see it time and time again: a person born and raised in poverty becomes incredibly successful while another, given ample resources—a ft body, a respectable IQ, a good home, a decent education, and plenty of opportunities—struggles to pay the bills, cannot establish and maintain rewarding relationships, and is chronically unhappy and unfulflled. We wonder: why? We may chalk it up to diferences in appearance, intelligence, talent, or even luck, all of which can play a role, but such factors do not explain everything. Even people with terrible hardships manage to achieve great things, maintain rewarding relationships, and achieve high levels of happiness and fulfllment. Some do so afer a string of devastating failures. How do they do it? What makes people who succeed so diferent from those who feel and act defeated and defated? Some people attribute success to a combination of internal and external forces—usually talent, hard work, and luck, or being in the right place at the right time. I believe success takes much more than that, but I also believe that everything required to achieve success and fulfllment is within you. You can control your thoughts, which control your actions, which ultimately enable you to create your own reality. As for external forces, depending on how you look at it, either God or nature provides all the resources necessary for success, including opportunities. Yes, you will encounter adversity, and you may even fail, but with the available resources and your ability to control your own thoughts and actions, you can succeed—with persistence, of course. When you create a vision for success, wholeheartedly believe you will achieve it, and invest the energy and efort required to make it happen, the universe responds by making the requisite resources available—people, funding, training, insight, opportunities, and whatever else you need to achieve your goal. And when I say “available,” I don’t mean they will be delivered to your door in a neatly wrapped package labeled “THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED.” You typically must seek out the resources you need and ask for help— you must also apply for a job to get it, start a business to have one, and study and practice to develop skills, to name a few necessary actions. You must also remain vigilant, because what you need may not be exactly what you wanted or hoped for, or be in the form you expected. So here is my story. It is more than a Horatio Alger rags-to- riches saga. I describe my journey from Brazil with a plane ticket and $800 to sixteen years later—a millionaire in the US. In the process, I share the life lessons I learned along the way. Following my story, I lead you through my nine-step program for achieving success, happiness, and fulfllment. Consider these nine steps a shortcut on your road to success. As you read, keep in mind that everything I advise you to do is within you—you are the key component to your success. Only by taking control of your thoughts, decisions, and actions can you control your destiny. About the Book

Work Like an Immigrant: Te 9 Steps to Health, Wealth, Happiness, and Fulfllment is written in three parts:

Part 1: My Story traces my journey from selling bread and dodging bullets on the streets of Brazil to earning millions selling cable TV and Internet services door to door, building and managing record-breaking sales teams, and fnally to the family crisis that inspired me to become a high-performance consultant, coach, and speaker, leading others to achieve levels of happiness and fulfllment they had never imagined possible. Troughout my story, I include Life Lesson sidebars to help you learn from my experience how to work like an immigrant.

Part 2: Nine Steps to Health, Wealth, Happiness, and Fulfllment reveals my nine-step program to dreaming big and achieving success by taking control of your thoughts and emotions and engaging in continuous joyful execution. Here, you fnd out how to harness the power of your imagination to unlock its hidden resources and overcome both internal and external limitations. You gain mastery of a variety of techniques inspired by numerous self-improvement visionaries, from Napoleon Hill and Joseph Murphy to Zig Ziglar and Tony Robbins.

Part 3: Principles and Practices presents the nine principles for achieving success, along with twenty-seven practical techniques for envisioning success, defning your mission, transforming negative thoughts to positive action, teaming up with a mentor, shifing focus from problems to solutions, and much more. If you put a small portion of the advice ofered here into practice, you will immediately start to achieve amazing results.

Scorned, Torn and REBORN

Ending a Marriage with Integrity and Expanding into Your Better, Happier Life

Rebecca Donovan

LAS VEGAS, NV Scorned, Torn and Reborn Ending a Marriage with Integrity and Expanding into Your Better, Happier Life

Introduction – Start Here ...... 1

Section I – Before the Divorce - SCORNED...... 5 Chapter 1 – Grief ...... 7 Chapter 2 – Betrayal ...... 21 Chapter 3 – Self-Image ...... 35 Chapter 4 – Self Care ...... 49

Section II – During the Divorce - TORN ...... 61 Chapter 5 – Professional Help ...... 63 Chapter 6 – The Kids ...... 77 Chapter 7 - Communication ...... 87 Chapter 8 – Friends, Family, and Other Support ...... 99 Chapter 9 – A New Home ...... 113 Chapter 10 – Solitude and Loneliness ...... 121 Chapter 11 – A New Social Order ...... 129

Section III – After the Divorce - REBORN ...... 141 Chapter 12 – Letting Go and Finding What You Want ...... 143 Chapter 13 – Co-Parenting ...... 153 Chapter 14 – Let Yourself Shine ...... 165 Chapter 15 – Dating ...... 175 Chapter 16 – Reborn ...... 189 Introduction Start Here

He wants out. Now what?

You thought marriage was forever. Sure, there were ups and downs. Every marriage has them. But you thought the vows, the commitment, the love, and maybe just the sheer tenacity would prevail and keep the marriage afloat. We all wanted to believe in the fairy tale that love could (and would) conquer all. You can love someone—genuinely, faithfully, unconditionally love someone—and they can feel the same about you. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always mean the two of you can be happily married to each other. Love CANNOT conquer all. There are many other factors that have to be present in order for a marriage to succeed. These factors include, but are not limited to, admiration, respect, compassion, compatibility, sexual compatibility, com- promise, trust, and commitment. Perhaps you had all of those and still something was missing. Now your husband has pulled the rug out from under you, and your whole world is crashing down around you. You can’t sleep. You can’t eat. Half the time, you can’t even think, except to ask, “Why?”

In this book we do explore the why. We have to before we can get to the real question: What now? You have a choice to make. Do you want this breakup to define you? Do you want to crawl to your corner and say that this was as good as it’s ever going to get? Do you blame your husband for every problem in your

1 Rebecca Donovan marriage and now want to get revenge at any cost? Do you want to become bitter and sad and lonely forever? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then this book is not for you. We are not here to assign blame or make excuses or get even. We are here to help get you through this difficult process with your head held high, your dignity intact, and your integrity leading the way front and center. In reading this book, you will explore what was missing in your marriage and what you need to do for yourself to fill those gaps. You will find the means necessary for taking care of yourself—mind, body, and spirit. You will do exercises that encourage you to move forward with your new life. Along the way there is practical advice for the financial and legal process, co-parenting, as well as guidelines for discovering and creating the new you. You are going to come out on the other side of this would-be tragedy whole. You have an opportunity here to explore what you want and where you want to be. Discover who you want to be. There is no longer anyone standing in your path, blocking the way to your personal growth, enlightenment, and achievement. This is your chance to be reborn.

I have divided the book into three distinct sections. The first part of the journey is when you are reeling from shock, grief, betrayal—feeling Scorned. The second part is during the divorce process. You may be feeling angry, confused, and overwhelmed— feeling Torn. The last section is all about moving forward with your life to become the person you want to be, the new, improved you—Reborn.

Throughout the book I give advice and recommendations based on personal experience, the experiences of people I know, invalu- able hindsight, and, of course, the benefit of hundreds of hours

2 Scorned, Torn And Reborn of reading. Each chapter is divided into subtopics, which you can easily and quickly refer back to as you navigate specific aspects of the divorce process. At the end of each chapter, there are some questions and a visualization that is pertinent to the chapter content. These are, of course, optional for you, but in my experience I have found that doing questions and exercises called for in a book enhances my learning experience and I get much more out of the reading. If you are doing the exercises, I recommend a journal or dedicated notebook.

I won’t bore you with a long introduction about who I am and why I wrote this book. I have been married and divorced twice. My first marriage was short and did not involve children. The divorce itself was simple and inexpensive. My second marriage is the one that gets the lion’s share of reference herein, as it is the most recent, the most relevant, and by far the most painful. As for why I wrote this book, I wrote it for me—the person I was almost ten years ago when my husband told me he was leaving me. Because if I only knew then what I know now, I would have spent more time looking forward and less time looking back. And I wrote it for you, so that you may reap the benefits of my experience, to make this process as pain-free and dignified as it possibly can be.

CREATING COMMUNITY WHEREVER YOU ARE

Deanna Jaya Nakosteen

LAS VEGAS, NV Table of Contents

Introduction ...... 1 Chapter 1: Tear Down the Fences ...... 7 Chapter 2: A Journey of Possibility ...... 13 Chapter 3: How to Use This Book ...... 25

Part 1: The Foundation ...... 31 Chapter 4: Food ...... 33 Chapter 5: Health ...... 45 Chapter 6: Permaculture ...... 57

Part 2: The People ...... 65 Chapter 7: Communication ...... 67 Chapter 8: Relationships ...... 81 Chapter 9: Children ...... 93

Part 3: Bringing it All Together ...... 105 Chapter 10: Living in Abundance ...... 107 Chapter 11: Systems and Groups ...... 117 Chapter 12: Members...... 135

Conclusion ...... 145 Introduction

In a beautiful valley surrounded by mountains is a fve-acre plot of land that is home to an intentional community. On Google Maps, it appears as mostly trees, with an opening at one end allowing the abundant greens in the garden to absorb the sun. Approximately two hundred of the trees on this land bear various kinds of fruit: apricots, plums, apples. At the end of the driveway sits a large house, in which there are four bedrooms, a large living area, and a sizeable kitchen with another common room beside it. A beautiful, colorful Persian rug covers the foor. There is vibrant art on the walls and bright batik fabrics drape on the sofas. There is a piano in the common room and yoga mats tucked in one corner. The large kitchen is the hub of the community where someone can be found preparing food most any time of the day. A long communal table flls the center of the long room, with benches on either side. Well-used wooden countertops run around the perimeter of the room. A whiteboard is on the wall next to the pantry, holding messages between community members: updates, notes, announcements, requests. On the shelves in the pantry there are jars of dried herbs for teas, dried beans, grains, and other staples. Stepping into the kitchen, one receives warm greetings and hugs. In the eve- nings, the members take turns cooking dinner for everyone. An abundance of food comes from the local farmer’s market and health food store each week.

1 Deanna Jaya Nakosteen

Throughout the property, there are all sorts of structures hidden here and there among the trees, some of which are creative and inspired dwellings for community members. There is an earth dome, a geodesic dome, a yurt, six cabins, three motor homes, and a converted school bus that looks like a work of art while being a cozy home. To support the activities of the community there are other buildings: a tool workshop, a laundry, a bathhouse, and a stage. In front of the stage is a bench made out of cob, forming a semi-circle around the fre pit. At any given time, there are on average 20 adults, across a wide range of ages, and three children residing on the property. The members often express gratitude to be living this unique life style of working together and playing together. Even though sometimes the energy is intense, it is very rewarding. Changes are always happening, and members strive to create an even better way of living and communicating on a daily basis. The feeling is like that of being supported by a large family—a large, expansive, connected, caring, and loving family. When I was a child, growing up in Nebraska, I could never have conceived of a place like this. Even as an adult, alone in Southern California in my early thirties, I had no idea this was possible. I knew I wanted to be connected. I knew I longed for support. I just didn’t know where to fnd it. I was living what was the norm at the time, frst, with my husband, then, later, on my own, in a single-family dwelling, and had yet to awaken to what was possible. I couldn’t see, yet, that there are many different ways to live our lives and that sharing resources with others and living in a community full time was a possibility that existed.

2 Creating Community Wherever You Are

It’s all too easy to get caught up in what is, but when we do this, we end up missing out on seeing what’s possible. I have two great loves in this life: children and community. What connects these for me is the constant presence of possibility; the constant presence of wonder. Just watch a three year old wander through a park. Her eyes light up with such curiosity and astonishment; she wants to touch or connect with everything on their path. A fve-minute walk turns into a half-hour meander—the child smelling this fower, touching that patch of grass, asking about the bird in the tree, laying down on the splash pad, giggling as she gets drenched. Chil- dren have their eyes open for what’s possible in a way that we tend to ignore as we age. In the same sense, community has always held a sense of possibility for me. While community invariably takes on a variety of shapes and sizes, it is always dynamic and expansive. Community is what connects us, and any time humans inter- act in relationships, we’re heading into unchartered territo- ries. Community can be defned singularly, as in the intentional community I live in, or much more broadly to include your neighbors in your apartment building, the people you work with, or your kids’ soccer team. By consciously living as part of a community, I’m constantly learning. I’m constantly surrounded by incredible people, deep sharing, evolving children, and all within the harmoni- ous environment we have all created. I live with people who share my values, who revel in the connection we have, who are willing to support and be supported; truly, we’re an extended family. We are all on a journey to learn more about ourselves. I have grown in ways I never could have foreseen back in Nebraska. I have an expansive feeling of connection.

3 Deanna Jaya Nakosteen

I fnd myself often experiencing situations that remind me I’m supported and in the fow of life. Living in a community where we give each other assistance and love has led me to feel an even deeper understanding of universal wisdom. All because I was open to possibility. This is my invitation to you. I felt moved to write this book as a way of introducing you to what’s possible; specifcally, what’s possible in terms of how we create community and use this to feel a deeper connection with one another. How we live in our society can take so many different forms than what we’ve been taught! What may work for some people may not work for others. In today’s world, especially, we’re seeing higher numbers of lonely, disconnected people. The prevalence of depression and anxiety, and the number of people taking medications for these, speaks to what’s missing for so many when it comes to emotional and social support. For many people, interaction with their neighbors is limited. Of- ten, a person might come home and park directly in their garage, which means they are then in their home without once encountering the neighbors. If they’re single, they may eat dinner alone, watch television, go to bed, and repeat. While the family is still commonly the basis of community for many people, for others it’s not such a strong place of support. Where do people turn when they have no community? Where do people turn when the family lets them down? Where do people fnd feelings of connection or support? What possibilities exist to create community, regardless of your situation or location? I wrote this book as a way of revealing new ways to think about your experience of community with hopes of spark- ing the sense of possibility within. We’re surrounded by

4 Creating Community Wherever You Are community, but how often do we really recognize it? Our workplaces, our neighborhoods, our schools, our sports teams are all mini-communities we form, but are we recognizing what possibilities for connection exist within these? Are we really engaged with the communities that already exist around us? Stepping into a new way of living and interacting with all the humans around us requires us to step into what’s possible and be ready to share ourselves as we do. By creating community wherever you are, you’re offering to yourself and your neighbors a deeper experience of what it means to connect to each other. A deeper experience of what it means to live, work, and play together. A deeper experience of what it means to support one another. In the simplest expression, community is formed around shared values. I invite you to recognize the values you share with others around you and use these as a touchstone to start creating community wherever you are. I can say with certainty that living in intentional community for 30-plus years has transformed my life in powerful ways. My wish for you is that you uncover what’s possible when you start creating community, wherever you are.

THE UNEXPECTED JOURNEYS OF LAWRENCE TYRONE

A Novel

A.K. BLACKMAN

LAS VEGAS, NV CONTENTS

[1] The Bartered Bride ...... 1 [2] Another Day Older ...... 15 [3] Palomino Sal ...... 19 [4] The Great Harley Sale ...... 27 [5] Spanish Lessons ...... 35 [6] The Insomniac of Rattlesnake Point ...... 49 [7] Rescue Mission ...... 59 [8] The Finer Points of Death ...... 67 [9] Raiders of the Far Casino ...... 81 [10] Beware and Fall in Love ...... 103 [11] “Chakalaka” ...... 115 [12] The Wild Art of Bees ...... 129 [13] Second Chance ...... 135 [14] Sheba’s Will ...... 145 [15] Open Season ...... 151 [16] The Tree of Prophecy ...... 165 [17] A Doubtful Law Does Not Bind ...... 171 [18] Black Maria ...... 183 [19] Home from the Sea ...... 189 [20] Inside Outside ...... 199 [21] Hidden Waters...... 207 [22] Agua Caliente ...... 221 [23] Dragon’s Blood ...... 233 [24] The Case of the Reluctant Wife ...... 243 [25] The Devil’s Kitchen ...... 247 [26] Last Stand ...... 257 [27] Tumbleweed ...... 267 [28] Dump Trucks ...... 281 [29] Best Laid Plans ...... 291 [30] The Other Side of Unsociable ...... 299 [31] The Truth in Earl Grey ...... 305

ii A.K. Blackman

[32] Young Girl’s Field Guide to Bullshit ...... 315 [33] Brilliant Plan ...... 327 [34] Alley Cats ...... 333 [35] Fighting Girl ...... 337 [36] The Trouble with Callie ...... 341 [37] Onwards, But Where? ...... 345 [38] Dark and Light ...... 355 [39] Suitable Man ...... 361 [40] Almost the Kelly Gang ...... 367 [41] Assumptions ...... 373 [42] A Sound in the Forest ...... 379 [43] Bush Knight ...... 385 [44] Unpredictability of Entropy ...... 393 [45] Walls of Jericho ...... 405 [46] GPS ...... 413 Acknowledgements ...... 423 About the Author ...... 425

iii [1] THE BARTERED BRIDE

n a bright morning in August, Lawrence Tyrone walked Odown a warm summer street with a newspaper under his arm and thoughts of revenge. Giant trees loomed over his head, shading him from the sun; a sporadic breeze disturbed his grey silk tie. He did not notice these things. He was fully aware that revenge was a double-edged sword, satisfying yet fraught with potential disaster. He could point to men and women in prison who let their thirst for revenge lead them to ruin. And yet he was unable to help himself. He attempted to think of the radio interview he was heading towards which could potentially boost his career; a career which, some might say, was currently precarious owing to problems he was sure he did not have. A successful professor of law dressed in a Zegna suit and Italian leather shoes did not have problems. Not with his faculty, not with his students, not with his frst wife. He was so deep in vengeful feelings that he found himself seated in front of a microphone at the radio station before he had a chance to formulate his professional thoughts and was somewhat taken aback at what he considered to be the abruptness of the interviewer: a male with a bald spot and blindingly white teeth who apparently started interviews without the requisite introductions. The man tapped the microphone and glanced over at Tyrone. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Tyrone said. “I’m not sure what you mean,” the interviewer said with a broad smile, no doubt practicing for a career on television. “Tell me, Professor Tyrone, what makes it so important for laws and legal language to change with the times? Isn’t there a school of thought that says there is a certain precise meaning to legal jargon even if it’s all Greek to the ordinary man? Wouldn’t it take pages and pages to explain the accepted meaning of each and every legal term with precision? And then, in your opinion, are we actually further ahead when everything’s more convoluted and three times as long?”

1 The Unexpected Journeys Of Lawrence Tyrone

Tyrone reached over for his book, which was on the table between them. He stared at the cover and frowned. “Which question would you like me to answer frst?” He asked. For the rest of the interview, with great restraint, Lawrence Tyrone, who did not yet consider himself a fool, continued to answer questions in a civilized manner and to smile like a wolf, baring his teeth. Towards the end of the hour, the interviewer made a statement that Tyrone found disconcerting. “When I look at your photo here,” he said, “I see a man who is determined but wary. Someone who wants to get in the frst punch. Is there—?” “You do, do you?” Tyrone said as he pushed his chair back, having reached the end of his patience. He made his escape to the usual bar and then back to his offce. He knew he should be analyzing the interview, remembering every nuance, sentence and legal phrase he uttered, except he had something else on his mind. Once seated at his desk, he unfolded the newspaper he was carrying and stared at an announcement. Heart pounding, he was aware of the old terror, the same terror he experienced as a student in law school when he took a bet and jumped from an airplane high in the sky. During those long moments before his parachute opened, he imagined himself dive-bombing through empty space and splattering on the ground. Believing himself numb, he assumed there was nothing to feel. His frst wife, after all, meant nothing to him. Not from the time she left him. He had obliterated his longing to touch her body one last time; buried his regrets and his memories of the dark hair and milky skin she inherited from a fercely revered Russian Ashkenazi grandmother, an unpredictable old dragon he never trusted. He was taken aback that the announcement in the paper did not include his colleague down the hall. This idiot, this untrustworthy dupe he once suspected of being his ex-wife’s lover, was not the man she was marrying. What she was doing was far worse. Enraged, he crumpled the paper and threw it across the foor, then

2 A.K. Blackman fumbled after it. The words stayed the same. The groom’s name, like the bride’s, was outlined in bold. May they rot and die, he thought, staring out at the fourishing trees visible through the ancient panes of his offce windows. He was shocked that he could feel so bereft while everything outside remained the same. The grass stayed green, the sky blue, the boy and girl under the farthest oak stayed glued mouth to mouth when they should have been studying. Worst of all, he was surprised at how the memory of his fnal hours with his faithless ex-wife had not left him. He can see her still, sitting at the kitchen table, her glossy lips moving, her voice sounding further and further away. Trying to gain time, he says: “There’s no coffee.” She stares at him and says: “Arrogant bastard. Didn’t you hear me? No matter what I say you don’t listen.” Her eyes are narrowed, full of an emotion he can’t bear to see. And now, four years later, with the afternoon sun shining in strips on his offce foor, he was suddenly back in that same dark confusing place where he had plunged just after she was gone. He crossed the room and extracted a hip fask from the right-hand bookshelf, which was stuffed with legal precedents and journals. The fask was jammed behind the 2000 and 2001 volumes of The Journal of Criminal Law. He wanted to see someone suffer. He wanted — no, no, he thought, there was another way. A way that would be painful for both the prospective bride and groom. A perfect, if unoriginal, plan. He reached for the phone. “Spenser, you lying bastard,” he hissed into the receiver the moment he recognized the voice at the other end. “Are you drunk?” Spenser said. “Call me when you’re sober.” “I’m sober enough, you lying shit. You said you weren’t seeing her.” “I’m hanging up now.” “Don’t you dare hang up. I’m coming to the wedding and you can’t stop me.”

3 The Unexpected Journeys Of Lawrence Tyrone

“Listen to me, Lawrence,” Spenser said. “Just listen — okay, okay — I swear it’s for the best. Can we get together and talk? I’m there. Just tell me what I have to do.” Tyrone could hear the urgency in Spenser’s voice that signaled he was getting ready to negotiate. “I’m your brother,” he said. “Did you think you could just sneak a wedding with my wife behind my back?” “Your ex-wife,” Spenser broke in. “She’s not —” “The hell with you,” Tyrone said, slamming the phone down. On the day of the wedding, a Sunday in early September, Lawrence Tyrone got up at six in the morning and removed his tux from the garment bag in the guest-room closet. He brushed it off and laid it on his side of the bed along with a white starched shirt and cummerbund. He placed his gold cuffinks on the dresser, polished his Italian leather shoes and put on his black wool socks, thin as silk. Stepping back, he surveyed the room and the laid-out clothes. The morning light shone on everything he wore to his own frst wedding, an occasion where he had been confdent and, he was sure, happy. He remembered overhearing a wedding guest, a curvy blonde, describing him as magnetic and surprisingly attractive. A backhanded compliment if he ever heard one. At the time it made him smile. He dressed with attention to detail, ran a wet comb through his salt-and-pepper hair and sank into the living-room sofa. His apartment was on the ffth foor facing south and the rising light was beginning to hurt his eyes. Permitting himself a large glass of single malt on rocks, he waited, keeping the bottle handy on the rosewood table at his left hand. In that hazy light made real by Scotch and ice, he dreamt. “Bastard,” she says. He hears the word more than once. “Lea,” he calls out to her on that morning long ago, as he feels a searing pain in his gut and falls to the kitchen foor clutching his stomach. “You never listen, you just don’t want to know,” he remembers her whispering as she looks down at him. Before he passes out, writhing

4 A.K. Blackman in pain, he also remembers wondering if she has poisoned him and is suddenly feeling remorse and a belated affection. At one in the afternoon, more than a little mellow, he congratulated himself on making a wise decision and called a cab. For good measure, just before he left the house, he slipped a mickey of Scotch into his inside pocket. From here on the trajectory of his life would change, but he didn’t yet know it. He had pried the location of the wedding, which was not mentioned in the paper, from Lea’s grandmother, the one who never liked him, the one who used to stare at him darkly when he came to visit and mutter heavily accented observations in Lea’s ear. He learned through the grapevine that the old bat was now hard of hearing and tended to get confused. It was ftting that she should be the one to help him. “Hallo? Anatoly, that you? Tawk to me!” she had shouted into the receiver in her deep whisky voice, mistaking him for one of her nephews. “I lost the wedding invitation,” he shouted in turn, wondering if he was wasting time. After ffteen minutes of verbal maneuvering, while the old woman coughed and introduced seemingly irrelevant topics, he hung up the phone smiling. For just a second he felt uneasy, as if there was something in the interchange he should have paid attention to, but had missed. When nothing came to mind he decided he was just imagining things and put his misgivings aside. The cab ride to a golf and country club overlooking the immensity of Lake Ontario from the Scarborough Bluffs was a bumpy one. He noticed the bumps especially when he was trying to take a surreptitious swig. The place used to be a former hunt club, but fox hunting was no longer in style. Instead, it was no doubt used as a meeting place where Bay Street lawyers and investment bankers could hatch plots and broker deals while ordering liquid lunches and dinners that were exorbitantly overpriced. Tyrone was pleased to see the number of cars in the parking lot. They spilled over onto the brilliant, perfectly

5 The Unexpected Journeys Of Lawrence Tyrone manicured grass along the private road leading to the front entrance: Rolls Royces, Bentleys, Jaguars, BMWs, even a Lamborghini parked sideways, taking up two spaces. While the valet was pretending not to notice the arrival of the battered cab, Tyrone handed the cabbie a bill. “Keep the change,” he said. “What change?” the cabbie said. “You owe me another twenty.” Tyrone frowned at the ingrate who was waving fve dollars in his face. The man must have palmed the ffty. Then he noticed the ffty lying at his feet. Not wanting to admit his mistake he took a closer look at the meter. The amount was $24.95. He pocketed the ffty and pulled out a twenty from his wallet. “Now you can keep the change,” he said. Out on the curb, he glared at the reluctant valet’s extended arm. What kind of an invalid did the man take him for? Alone, in his wedding clothes and polished Italian shoes, he negotiated the steps at the entrance to the club with great care and made it to the top in what he considered to be an elegant and calm manner. He smoothed down the jacket of his tux and was pleased to note that he was no longer angry or vengeful, just another ordinary wedding guest showing up at his ex-wife’s marriage to his brother. What could be simpler? And besides, he was looking forward to the occasion. He was too livid to think of the pleasure beforehand, but his anticipation had grown on the cab ride down. Past the imposing green copper doors of the club, there was a reception desk. A man and a woman dressed in black-and-white formal attire were checking off names against a list printed on creamy vellum and handing out seating cards along with boutonnieres to the gentlemen and corsages to the ladies. Tyrone jumped the queue and headed straight for the woman, a pretty redhead with translucent freckled skin, who was dressed in a strapless gown. In the afternoon light, her shoulders gleamed, giving off golden glints. “I need to sit down,” Tyrone said, holding a hand to his heart. He noted from her glance that she didn’t believe it was his heart that was the

6 A.K. Blackman problem, but he knew she couldn’t afford to take the chance. “A chair if you will be so kind,” he said, staring at the chair just behind her. “Of course, sir,” she said. “Will you need help?” He supported himself against the table, wondering if she was being brash. He needed all his concentration to keep his eyes focused on the guest list. Just before he sat down he managed to glimpse a name he could use. Once past the offcious guards at the reception desk, he declined the glasses of wine on trays proffered by white-gloved waiters and headed straight for the bar. Holding a full glass of single malt on rocks, he wandered past unfamiliar guests who were gathered in hushed little groups and went outside past rows of chairs to the cloth covered table under the white canopy facing the lake. For a moment he felt uneasy, as if he were overlooking something. Then he got it. Why didn’t he know anyone? Shouldn’t there at least be a few people he and Lea and Spenser had in common? He was looking forward to saying hello and giving them his unfltered, yet perfectly objective, opinion about the wedding. Of course, he had come early, and of course the wedding party would be sequestered in another room and of course Spenser had lots of business connections Tyrone was not privy to. So, no need to worry. The southernmost part of the Hunt Club’s perfectly manicured lawn was poised on the edge of the Scarborough Bluffs – tall escarpment cliffs towering as much as 300 feet above Lake Ontario. They were the remnants of an ancient ice-bound lake carved out by glacial water fowing under the towering ice foes. The deep blue waters of the immense lake fashed and sparkled below the precipitous drop as if this was the most perfect day to get married. Or to make a show of jumping over the cliff in a dramatic gesture and ruin the wedding. It was one of Tyrone’s sarcastic throw-away thoughts because his well-honed sense of self-preservation would never allow him to do that. His eyes began to ache from squinting into the bright light. For just a moment he allowed himself to remember Lea, the way she looked on their wedding day, how she smiled at him when he broke the glass to commemorate their

7 The Unexpected Journeys Of Lawrence Tyrone vows, the softness of her warm, full lips when he kissed her. And then he thought about how she never visited him in the hospital after he collapsed on their last day together. When he was fnally discharged the following week, with his ulcer more or less on the mend, her clothes were gone. What remained was a very faint scent imprinted on the unchanged sheets and pillows on her side of the bed. During his frst night back in their bedroom he could have sworn her dark head, her warm skin, her generous ass, were still there beside him. He didn’t wash the sheets for a month after she was gone, holding on to his anger and her scent, resolving never to call her. A jab on his ankle from a twig he stumbled against brought him back to the surroundings of her second wedding. He focused on two red foxes skulking around the edges of the lawn, secure in the knowledge they would no longer be shot or torn apart by hounds. Their easy presence infuriated him. Fishing two ice cubes out of his glass, he lobbed them hard and watched the foxes disappear into the bushes. It occurred to him that the man whose name he purloined would show up and cause trouble, so he made his way deeper into the trimmed bushes and tall trees surrounding the club, holding his liquid courage in one hand and the mickey he brought in the other. Observing from his woodsy hiding place, he watched two serving staff half-heartedly carry out what he took to be a search around the chairs set out in rows on the lawn. He assumed the staff were looking for him, the rogue guest, and almost laughed aloud when one of them peered under the canopy where the ceremony was to take place. When the nosy staff left, he leaned against a tree behind some bushes out of sight of the main event, drained his glass and replenished it from his supply. A half hour later he opened his eyes, surprised that he was sitting on the ground with his back pressed against the hard tree trunk. He stood up and brushed himself off. Out on the lawn, it appeared everyone was fling to their places in the rows of outdoor chairs, ready for the action to begin. Taking his last sip of Scotch, he left the glass under the tree and headed over to

8 A.K. Blackman the last row. The music started. A quartet, seated on a little platform at the rear of the assembly, launched into a quietly spirited rendition of the famous aria from Carmen. It was a piece of music that Lea loved, even belting it out in the shower, at the beginning when they had been happy, her voice soaring on the high notes. “Oh, you faithless witch,” Tyrone said under his breath, at a loss to understand how she had so easily transferred the things they shared to his brother. By the time the quartet started on Offenbach’s Barcarolle, he was already seated in the rearmost chair on the far right. While the groom walked up the aisle, accompanied by his best man, Tyrone skulked down in his chair. The man in front of him was tall and wide and blocked his view of both the groom and the Chuppah — a covered canopy something like an arbor under which a bride and groom traditionally stand during a Jewish ceremony. The Chuppah was positioned closest to the lake facing south. Owing to daylight savings time the sun was at the two o’clock mark and the sky was brilliant. To get a good look at his brother’s back from where he was sitting, Tyrone would have had to stand and he wasn’t prepared to do so just yet. In the end, he couldn’t contain himself and, pressing towards the person sitting on his left, he peered around the behemoth sitting in front of him. On catching a glimpse of the best man’s back, he was puzzled, but convinced himself that this too was to be expected. Probably just as well he didn’t recognize him. Were it not for his brother’s lack of ethics, he would have been his brother’s best man. You bastard, he thought, you deserve everything that’s coming. At the frst bombastic notes of the traditional “Wedding March,” the guests stood up. Tyrone attempted to steady himself against his chair. He strained to catch a glimpse of the bride. She was covered up by her veil. For a moment he was surprised, having expected a more secular wedding or even one with more eclectic traditions in keeping with Lea’s artistic sensibilities. The “Wedding March”? A veil? A man in a clerical collar instead of a rabbi? Her father was dead and maybe she decided

9 The Unexpected Journeys Of Lawrence Tyrone to experiment with a more Christian style, while Spenser, to appease her histrionics, had conceded to her whims. Still, Spenser, although not particularly religious, usually liked to refer to the Torah, whether he knew what he was talking about or not. What a craven coward his brother had turned out to be. Tyrone cleared his throat, beset by blurred vision and those faint, pesky doubts that he kept pushing aside. Under more sober circumstances he might have also wondered why she was wearing such an elaborate wedding dress, and a white one at that. But there was the fact of her favorite aria so exuberantly played by the quartet just a while ago. Surely there was no mistaking her favorite music. He closed his eyes for a moment and then jerked awake as his head dropped forward. There was an anxious roaring in his ears. He told himself to wait. Not yet. Not yet. Finally, he could bear it no longer. The groom had just been instructed to kiss the bride. “I object,” Tyrone roared, shooting up from his seat. “She is still married. This marriage is a farce.” The bride and groom looked back, their faces white and startled. It was not Lea. It was not Spenser. It was only then that Tyrone realized what he should have guessed long ago had he not been so intent on drowning his anger all morning with a bottle of Scotch. All those misgivings meant something he had been determined to ignore. In the complete silence, he felt faint, his mind, for once, blank. The next minute, he was sprinting towards the empty, welcoming back entrance of the club. He was aware of blurred faces, arms and hot wind at his back as three ushers, plus the groom, ran after him. Even though he was older by far than all four of them, the duplicity of the evil grandmother propelled him faster and farther. The crafty old bat hadn’t forgotten or forgiven him his transgressions. She had sucked him in proper. “You bitch!” he yelled with each running step. “You fucking old bitch!”

Lily Barlow

CARLA VERGOT

LAS VEGAS, NV Chapter 1

othing satisfes the murderous intentions of the human heart “Nlike ripping a weed from the very earth,” muttered the elderly woman in the gigantic straw hat. I’d been standing behind her for a good seven seconds, but so far she gave no indication she’d heard me pull into the driveway or get out of the Jeep. Not wanting to startle her into a medical emergency, I waited and watched while she wrestled with a sturdy green leaf bumping up against a delicate pink fower. It was unclear if her pronouncement regarding murderous intentions was meant for me or for the wilting weed in her knobby fst. Either way, my inner Stephanie lum snapped to attention. While I puzzled over her statement, trying to decide between criminal intent or crazy old lady, she turned to size me up. “Hey,” I said, with an artifcially bright note in my voice, hoping to disguise the fact that I thought she might be a murderer or a lu- natic, one. “I’m L” “I know who you are,” she cut me off. “The arlow girl. Lily, is it? Lord, you’re a tall drink a water. arbon copy of your mama.” She made a soft cluck that somehow conveyed respect, forcing me to nod my head ever so slightly in acceptance of the praise. “I heard you were comin’ home. How’s your daddy doin’?”

1 Carla Vergot

“He’s out of the hospital,” I reported, trying to fx how she knew my mama, who, by the way, died when I was six. “He’s not great, but he’s not dead.” “You takin’ over the bakery? Haven’t had a decent loaf of bread since your daddy got sick.” “I plan to get it going, yes, ma’am. Then I’ll hire someone to run it so I can get back to school. ut frst I’m looking for an apartment, you know, for the short time I’m here.” She nodded in sympathy. “Damn near impossible for the baby bird to ft back in the nest after fying down to harlottesville, eh?” I didn’t realize myself how damn impossible it would be until I passed the “Welcome to Marshall” sign an hour ago, Jeep Wrangler double stuffed with all my worldly possessions. I had come back last month when Jack Turner, best friend and all-round go-to guy, called to tell me Dad had the heart attack. I stayed until he was out of auuier eneral and settled in with n- cle Dave and Aunt Millie. Satisfed everything was in order, I bolt- ed back to the niversity of irginia with the realistic expectation of a complete recovery and return to business as usual for oppy’s akery. It was still mid-summer, but the Admissions Offce was in full swing, and I was one of a couple dozen work-study go-getters cranking the hamster wheels that kept it running. However, the full recovery and return to business never materi- alized and the bakery stayed closed. You know what that meant--no dough, no dough. As in moolah. As in tuition. I fgured a resourceful human being like me could hire a reliable manager, train her, and suare the books in three weeks’ time, a month tops. Then I’d carry my ass back down to harlottesville for the fall semester of my junior year. At which point I’d resume switching majors en route to a career path that would get me out of this small town and far away from commercial-sized sacks of four. I watched Miss razy start the arduous process of old bones standing up. “I have just what you’re lookin’ for, honey. It’s a fully furnished guest suite. Small kitchen, bath. You’ll be in your place, and I’ll

2 LILY BARLOW be in mine. There will be no reason whatsoever for us to bother each other.” Was I mistaken, or was the implication that I shouldn’t bother her? “How much are you asking?” ecause at this moment, it all came down to cash money. “And will you accept a week-to-week commitment?” Nothing says I’m-not-moving-home like a short-term lease. “Don’t you want a look-see frst?” I shook my head no. The silver lining, if you wanted to see it, was that I had lived in and near the campus community for the last two years. I had moved my little pile of junk the reuisite umpteen number of times, landing in everything from rat trap to shit hole, and I was completely and satisfactorily desensitized to substandard housing. My reuirements at school were biking distance to campus and a locking door. “If the door locks, it’ll be fne, but my budget is kinda tight right now. I may not be able to afford it.” “You can afford it, honey child,” she assured me. “I want a person on the property more than money in the bank, as long as it’s the right person. You’re the sixteenth applicant in eight months and the only one I’ve bothered to interview.” Smiling at what constituted an interview, my gaze landed on a pair of muddy men’s work boots, size huge, sitting on the top step of the porch. Hmmm. Did Miss razy ants have a man around despite what she said? nless the aforementioned murderous intentions of her human heart put an end to that poor bastard. Was he living on the property or buried under it? ollowing my gaze, she offered an explanation, “est home security system on the market. our dollars at the thrift store. Mud not included.” I nodded my appreciation. I liked this ol’ gal more and more...a little bit of moxie wrapped in a foral print tied with an apron string. “I’ll take it.” “Woman who knows her mind. ood. et yourself settled back in town, and we’ll come to a monetary arrangement. or now, feed the chickens and pet my dog when he comes around.”

3 Carla Vergot

hickens? Mentally calculating how close I had to be to a chicken in order to feed a chicken, I noticed for the frst time a lazy, mostly-black mutt lying under a shrub, guarding her collection of trowels. He honored me with one thump of his dusty tail before drifting back to sleep. “Name’s ro. Short for elcro. Wandered into the barn fve years ago, thin as a number two pencil. Hasn’t left my side since. He’s good company, and he don’t like many people, so the fact he hasn’t barked you up is your stamp of approval. Now come on.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw she was already halfway to the front porch. uick for old. I took a few giant steps to catch up. At the door she said, “Wipe your feet. Not just this time. Every time.” We passed through a tidy foyer to a scrubbed kitchen that smelled of something savory, like onions and garlic. The olfactory memory took me back to a time when I was a little kid in my mama’s kitchen, helping her pinch tiny mounds of mashed potatoes and cheddar cheese into pierogi pockets. It was a sweet little video clip but why would I think of her now? robably Miss razy’s comment on a resemblance that had to be the reason. The clatter of scissors and screw drivers being pushed around a junk drawer drew me back. She rummaged with gusto and eventually fshed out a key on a plastic key ring shaped like a starfsh. Whatever it advertised had long since rubbed off, so just a translucent orange starfsh at this point. Out the back door, we cut across the mowed lawn to a free-standing garage that matched the house. “These steps get slick in the rain.” The exposed wooden staircase climbed diagonally up the outside of the garage to a small deck with two weathered Adirondack chairs and a low table between. I pictured me in one chair, ro in the other, drinking a beer and enjoying the progress toward Operation akery last-Off. rossing the thresh- old, it became clear I would be renting my own little piece of the 9’s. Nothing too fragile or frilly. It was, however, heavy on the avocado section of the color wheel.

4 LILY BARLOW

“I don’t care who you bring up here, but ro might. The pass- word for the internet is on the fridge. There’ll be no cooking meth. Any uestions?” The devil in me wanted to ask where in the hell I was supposed to cook my meth, but I stuck to my actual uestions. “Two,” I said. “What should I call you? And where’s the chicken feed?” “I’m Miss Delphine Walker, and the scratch is down in the garage. One scoop each morning. Throw it on the ground back by the coop.” Without so much as a handshake, I had my apartment. leaner and more comfortable than I could have hoped. It didn’t take too many trips to bring up my clothes and computer, so in about twenty minutes, I was all moved in. I fgured the living arrangements would be the hardest part, which is why I snuck home a day early, giving myself time to fnd something suitable. ut now that I had an address, there was only one thing left to do, marinate my broken dream in a couple shots of teuila. Wait a minute...broken?...Was my dream of escaping Yawnsville actually broken? Inconvenienced, yes. ro- ken, no. This was a speed bump, not a dead end. It was around six p.m. when I jumped in the Wrangler. I put both windows down because I associate a fying ponytail with freedom. My destination was inco Sombreros, a small, turuoise-colored Mexican dive on the edge of town. sually the name got morphed to inco’s, as if some guy named inco owned it. Other people re- ferred to the restaurant as Manny’s, because Manny was the actual guy who owned it. I didn’t bother to text Manny’s daughter, Mer- cedes. She’d be there. She was always there. Mercedes and I shared a lot of similar experiences growing up, including the loss of our mothers when we were young, mine to cancer, hers to immigration. I was never uite clear why her mama got deported when her daddy didn’t. As much as I wanted to sleuth it in high school, I managed to refrain. It seemed like Mercedes didn’t want to know, and you gotta respect a friend’s right to believe a better story. y virtue of missing mothers, we were both raised primarily by

5 Carla Vergot fathers, sometimes each other’s. athers who ran small food service businesses where we were reuired to help out. A lot of similarities. A few differences. Like the fact that she loved her family’s business while I hated mine. Mercedes made her way to me before I was all the way through the door. Her long, dark hair was in a thick braid down her back. rown eyes shining. Low-cut tank. orgeous wasn’t too strong a word. Not uite dinner time, there were only a few customers scat- tered around. She pulled me by the arm over to the bar where her dad, Manny, came around for a hug. No words. Just a welcome worth coming home for. There is something about being around people who know and love you it flls a hole. Mercedes poured me a shot of ice cold teuila and put a basket of chips and a bowl of guacamole in front of me. “You old enough to drink at my bar?” Manny eyed me seriously. “inally.” I smiled and tossed the liuor back. “o easy,” he warned me, like the substitute dad he was. There were plenty of times I wasn’t old enough, but I drank at this bar anyway. Mercedes and I spent a lot of time conjuring ever-evolving ways to drink, and no time at all considering what it would mean if her dad lost his liuor license. The self-centered stupidity of youth. We thought because we were drinking beer and smoking pot instead of shooting heroine or dropping acid like some of our peers, we weren’t part of the problem and couldn’t be classifed as troublemakers. Mercedes pulled a stool to the other side of the bar and started slicing limes. She agreed with my plan to get buzzed and joined me for two beers and two more shots. At one point, Manny raised his eyebrows with an unspoken criticism, but she said, “What? I’m off now.” efore long, I was knee deep in the poor-me syndrome, rat- tling off all the reasons why this current situation wasn’t fair. “What are you going to do?” she asked. “If drinking is an option, I think I’ll just do that.” “Here’s my advice,” she began, and because she was a sage old soul, I paid attention. “o home, oogle dough,’ and start re-

6 LILY BARLOW searching. Learn everything you can about it. et intimate with it. Embrace it. Maybe you hate the bakery so much because it’s always been an adversary.” She pointed to the matching scars on the insides of my forearms. Souvenirs of the second-degree burns I got in the seventh grade, carelessly pulling a rack of cherry turn-overs from the oven. urned my arms and burned the turn-overs. “Learn to love it?” I couldn’t have sounded more incredulous. “No,” she shook her head. “That’s not what I’m saying.” She started again, “You know that chiquita in the books you like so much? Stacy rune?” “Stephanie lum,” I corrected, tartly. “Yeah, yeah. fruit. rune, pear, peach, pomegranate,” she said and smiled her wicked smile. “ull a lum. et all undercover with dough. Detective the shit out of it. ind its weaknesses and exploit them. Maybe, on your terms, you’ll decide you could have a relationship with the bakery after all. If there’s no bakery, Lilita, how will you pay for college? Don’t say no. Just give yourself a month to decide.” I didn’t have time to respond. rom my stool, I watched Wayne Davis and Joe Turner meander into the restaurant. Hell’s bells and sizzling snowfakes. The place was mostly empty, but they made their way to the one table that was annoyingly close to our spot at the bar. Joe circled around and pulled me off my perch. “Lily arlow. Mmh, girl.” He leaned in for a hug. “When’d you get home?” Hugging was kind of a standard greeting in these parts, so after Joe, I stepped over and gave Wayne a hug. “Today,” I answered, and to underscore just how recently I had arrived, I added, “Haven’t even seen Dad and em yet.” Wayne and Joe were friends of ours who drove boom trucks for Republic uilding Supply. It was clear from the day’s worth of dirt on their clothes that the boys had just gotten off work and were stopping in for a beer before getting serious about their riday-night options. Oh, and Joe happened to be Jack’s older brother. My Jack. est friend Jack.

7 Carla Vergot

Jack was a frefghter with access to a steady stream of gossip related to the comings and goings of neighbors and tourists, so chances were good he already heard I was back in town. Everyone knew he and I were close, so of course people would give him that news. Most of these busybodies didn’t understand the exact nature of our friendship, though they were always trying to make it into something it never was. ottom line, Jack would be okay that I didn’t text him the minute I got home. He knew how this turn of events with Dad’s heart attack was making me bonkers. Sure, I was worried about my dad, but once I got assurances from the doctors that he wouldn’t die, my fears took fight and started circling like buzzards around the second most important thing—college. On the slim chance Jack didn’t know I was home, I gave it about ffteen seconds before he heard it from Joe. I watched a waitress drop two bottles at their table, and in my peripheral vision I saw Joe punching something into his phone. Didn’t matter. I was fxin’ to leave anyway. I got up to hug Mer- cedes, which, like any alcohol-laced goodbye, took longer than necessary. During the process, I was surprised when a strong arm came from behind and pulled me into a broad, hard chest. I felt a kiss land on the side of my head. “Lily of the alley,” Jack tightened his embrace. “When’d you get back, girl?” I knew Joe had texted him, but I didn’t think he’d get here that fast. He probably told Wayne and Joe to run interference. Jeez, how long had Mercedes and I been saying goodbye? Mercedes rolled her eyes, leaned over and whispered, “Dough,” in my ear before she shoved Jack’s shoulder and loaded our chip basket and beer bottles onto a tray. They had the familiarity of having dated. She was precisely his type--naturally beautiful, good with makeup, huge boobs. It didn’t last long, though. I made her swear she wouldn’t create any weirdness that would impact my friendship with Jack. He was special to me, and I wasn’t willing to give that up

8 LILY BARLOW in high school. They hadn’t dated long before she broke it off, explaining to me that she didn’t see it going anywhere, so having sex would be pointless. Disengaging from the awkward backwards embrace, I turned around to face him. “Hey, Jack-a-lope,” I drew out my greeting, taking him in. His short black hair was messy, which meant he had taken off a baseball cap when he came inside and jammed it in his back pocket. His blue eyes were intense, and as always, he looked happy to see me. He wore a tee shirt, trail pants and boots. After I gave him the once over, I asked, “You here for tacos?” “Nope. I’m here for you. Joe texted to say you had a few shots. I’ll drive you home. I’m on later tonight, and I don’t like working single car accidents, especially when they involve people I care about.” I considered just how much I had to drink. It’d been over the course of a couple three hours, and it wasn’t like I slammed shots the whole time. “I haven’t had that much.” “Listen, it’s been my experience that you never know exactly how much you’ve had. So, since I’m here” he gently nudged me to where I faced the door. Deciding it wasn’t that important, I patted my back pockets for license, credit card, and phone, front pocket for keys and lip gloss. Satisfed, I tossed a mildly sarcastic wave to Joe and Wayne who both smiled back. Jack lifted his chin as he passed their table, and they responded in kind. Outside, Jack held the door as I climbed into his truck. He didn’t speak. robably considering safe, available topics. As he pulled out of the gravel lot, he decided on one. “Lucy had her puppies.” “Lucy had the puppies?” the sueakiness of my voice was kind of shocking. “our. They’re hysterical. Mom has her hands full.” I knew the dog was pregnant, but I had sort of forgotten about it. “Hey,” I said, “I thought Lucy was fxed.” “Yeah, so did my parents.” rom there we drifted on a low tide of easy conversation, the mark of an old and good friendship. It

9 Carla Vergot didn’t occur to me to tell Jack where I was staying until he pulled up to the house on Main, next to oppy’s. “Oh, wait. Not here.” “No?” he asked, sounding confused. “I’m renting an apartment on Rock Ridge. It’s kind of a statement. So no one thinks I’m coming home for good.” “Miss Delphine Walker? How’d you fnd that place?” “You know Miss Delphine? She had an ad in the paper. Is she a crackpot? I think she may have killed someone.” “I doubt that, but she’s a good ways on the eccentric side. She calls in every so often because she smells smoke. Trouble with a burn barrel. The chimney. Nothing serious so far. You’re renting her garage?” or some reason, I was a little disappointed that Miss Delphine was apparently a known citizen. ut I let it go and relaxed into the comfortable, alcohol-induced fuzziness that encouraged me to close my eyes. All too soon, Jack opened his door, triggering the obnoxious dinging noise that brought me out of my half sleep. Now I felt every ounce of the alcohol. I let him walk around the front of the truck, because he always opened doors for women. I remembered when we were kids, his daddy used to fuss at me constantly. “Lily Linn arlow, how can I teach my boys to open doors for ladies if you never let them do it?” y now, it was as much second nature for me as it was for him, and it occurred to me that none of my guy friends at school, or anyone I’ve dated, ever once opened a single door for me. I thanked the good Lord for my own independence, otherwise I’d never get in to or out of any place, ever. He helped me out and I dug for the orange starfsh in my pocket. The stairs looked a little steeper than they had this afternoon, and I leaned on him, enjoying his clean soapy smell. Then I asked him a uestion which showed I defnitely had too much to drink. “We’ve

10 LILY BARLOW been friends for a long time,” I started. It looked like he was adding it up in his head. “Sixteen years, right?” He flled in the number. “If we’ve been friends for sixteen years, why haven’t we ever slept together?” He made a soft, hum sound, waited a beat and whispered close to my ear, “Here’s the thing, Lily. We just haven’t slept together yet.” I stumbled on the next step, but I didn’t know if it was from the buzz or this new information. “Tonight?” I suggested, surprising myself. “Not tonight.” “Why not tonight?” “Two reasons. irst, you’re stressed, which likely accounts for reason number two, you’re drunk.” hecking to see that I was listening, he said, “When we do, it’ll be awesome, and you’ll wanna remember it.” He took the key, unlocked the door, and maneuvered me toward the bathroom. The place was small, so there were only two doors it could be. “an you stand?” “Yes,” I insisted, holding the doorknob tight. “an you pee?” “Yes.” “ood. I’ll wait here.” When I was done, he was right where I left him, only with a glass of water and two Tylenol. I had no idea where the Tylenol came from. or never having been a oy Scout, Jack was always prepared so he probably brought the pills with him. I drank about half, handed the glass back, moved to the couch and plopped down. Looking up, I smiled. “Thank you.” “You’re welcome. Do you need anything?” Tipping my head to think, I decided I didn’t need anything. He reached down for my hand and hoisted me up off the couch. “I’ll come by tomorrow around ten and take you for the Jeep. Lock the door when I leave.”

11 Carla Vergot

I followed him to the door, where he gave me a long hug that felt like a warm blanket. He pulled his hands down my bare arms, stopping to grab hold of my wrists, “I’m serious about what I said.” I blinked, “About locking the door?” “No, Lily. About sleeping together.” He let himself out before I could process the comment, let alone formulate a reply. I was still thinking about it fve seconds later when he rapped on the other side of the door. “Lock it.” licking the deadbolt, I heard his heavy boots disappear down the steps, but I side-stepped to the little window and moved the curtain an inch to spy. Jack stopped by his truck. I saw him tip his Washington Nationals ball cap, something he did when greeting women. Was he talking to somebody in the yard? Miss Delphine? I could make out a shadow at the dark end of the porch and a slow, rhythmic movement. Was she in the rocking chair? He nodded in that direction, got in the truck and left. ack on the couch, I fnished the glass of water, wished I had another beer, and tried to remember something from the bar. Some- thing Mercedes told me to do. oogle something? What was it? Something to eat? fruits? No No Dough Yes, oogle dough. Embrace the dough. e the dough. I fipped open the Mac, stumbled over to the fridge for the Wii code, checked the fridge in case the last tenant left a bottle of beer in there, cursed the last tenant for drinking all the beer, and headed back to the living room. A notoriously bad speller, my hazy mind and slow fngers were not helpful, so the frst thing that made it into the search window was the wrong kind of dough. I typed the letters d-o-e and hit enter. * * * It was a chicken noise that roused me from the hypnotic DOE stu- por at fve thirty A.M. I hadn’t been to bed. In fact, I hadn’t moved

12 LILY BARLOW more than a few inches within the burrow of macram pillows on the couch. Remembering my commitment to feed Miss Delphine’s chickens, I slipped on a pair of lime green fip fops and took the stairs nice and slow cause of the hangover. At the bottom, I encountered one of them blocking my way. We stared each other down for about thirty seconds. “’mon, McNugget, get outta the way.” She scratched a weird little foot across the dirt, pecked at something invisible on the ground and stepped toward me. One of life’s mysteries was fnally put to restthis is how the game hicken got its name. I considered my options, which were a yell at it, or b kick at it. Alone, neither offered an especially strong line of defense, so I did a combo. “Scat” I shouted while throwing my foot out in front of me. The kick by itself had no effect, but the fying fip fop nearly landed on top of the bird. She suawked which made me suawk. When she took off fapping her wings, I grabbed my shoe and ran toward the garage door which thankfully was unlocked. reathing hard, I pulled the door closed behind me. The food was clearly marked, and the scooper was in place. I flled it to what I thought would be an appropriate level and peeked back out the door. No chickens in sight. Motivated by fear, I double-timed it toward the coop where I dumped the grain on the ground in one thick pile. eeling successful, I checked behind in case McNugget tried to outfank me. No chicken there, so I ran back to the garage. * * * rom the kitchen window, Delphine watched the series of events and shook her head. “ro, I swear that girl is a walkin’ mess.” * * *

13 Carla Vergot

It was ten-o-fve when I heard the knock and yelled, “ome in” “Why isn’t the door locked?” “What?” I said from the couch. “The deadbolt. Remember? You locked it last night when I left.” It took me a few seconds to think it through, but I got there. “Oh, right,” I nodded. “I forgot to lock it back after I fed the chickens at the butt crack of dawn this morning.” Jack retrieved two large cups of coffee wedged carefully into opposite corners of the box he set on the kitchen table. I knew one was black and one had plenty of cream and sugar. Handing me the cream and sugar, he repeated, shaking his head in obvious confusion, “Wait. You fed the chickens?” “Not by choice, believe me. It’s a little arrangement I have with Miss Delphine.” “Well, how did that go?” “I’ll tell you exactly how it went. I would have dialed 9, except my freakin’ phone was up here on the freakin’ coffee table.” To underscore my point, I gestured toward the offending phone with my bare foot. He laughed. I guessed he was trying to imagine me running from a single chicken, and then chickens plural. ouldn’t blame him. I didn’t possess one chicken-related skill, not so much as a partial skill. And the picture in his head must have been right funny. I watched him take in my messy brown ponytail and overall rum- pled appearance. He seemed to notice I was still wearing the shorts and Abercrombie tee I had on yesterday. “Did you shower?” “No,” I said sheepishly. “Did you sleep?” In mid coffee-sip, I shook my head no, avoiding his blue eyes. “Why not?” he asked, genuinely confounded. “Jack, you don’t want to know,” I sighed. “Literally, more than anything.” He grinned. “I kinda got sucked into something on the computer.”

14 LILY BARLOW

“an you tell me about it while I check the batteries in your smoke detectors?” He moved over to the box he brought with him and unloaded several new smoke alarms and an unopened ost- co-sized sleeve of nine-volt batteries. After a uick walk-through, which he could have done standing in one spot and turning in a circle, he asked, “How’s your head this morning?” I groaned for emphasis. “I could damn sure use an aspirin. You got any in that box?” “Down in the truck. over your ears while I test this one.” He was standing on a kitchen chair, which didn’t look safe at all. The smoke alarm only made a few sickly chirps. He popped the cover and replaced the battery. With that one in good working order, he pulled the chair into the bedroom and got to work screwing one to the ceiling in there. “Is that for when I’m in here burning up the sheets with my latest conuest?” I smirked from the doorway. “or when we’re in here burning up the sheets.” Over his shoulder he gave me one of his trademark winks. Was that a reference left over from something we talked about last night? ood Lord, did we kiss or something? Impossible. ut there was an idea nagging me. I just couldn’t pull it out of the dark, drunk corner of my mind. Expertly changing the subject I said, “So last night I found this website called the Doe Network. Have you ever heard of it?” “Dough like in bread?” “That’s what I was looking for Mercedes told me to study up on dough, make my peace with the bakery, blah, blah, blah. Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but I had a little bit to drink down at Manny’s.” “No,” he said. The sarcasm oozed like sap from a pine tree on a hot summer day. “You hid it so well.” When he smiled, his lip was a little lopsided from a fst fght in middle school. I remembered that fght. It was over me. Some guy on the baseball team apparently made an unfattering comment about me, and Jack punched him in the locker room after practice. He walked away with a busted lip and missed the chance to pitch in a really big game on account of

15 Carla Vergot it, but he always said it was worth it. He never would tell me the comment. yle, the offender, apologized to me the next day and treated me a lot nicer after that. ringing myself back to my story, I said, “Instead of typing d-o-u-g-h, I accidentally typed d-o-e. I saw the Doe Network and thought—cool, a bunch of people who bake.” “That kept you on the computer all night?” “Yes ut wait,” I said, excitedly. “It’s not about baking at all. It’s a clearing house for records of all the bodies the cops haven’t been able to identify, dating back to the early 9s. Doe as in John Doe. Or Jane. There are post-mortem photos, reconstructed heads, cloth- ing and jewelry the victims wore at the time, dental work, gold teeth. They list any unusual marks, like tattoos, scars. How the person died if they know.” “You spent all night looking at dead bodies?” he asked, stepping down off the chair. “Maybe we should have had sex after all.” He smiled. “Way better use of time.” It came crashing back that I invited him to have sex and he took a rain check. This was not and never had been part of our relationship, and I suddenly felt uncomfortable. Shifting my weight from one foot to another while I tried to appear in control, I directed his attention back to the Doe Network. “Lily, you can change the subject all you want, but we will have this discussion before you head back to school.” He sueezed his ’4 frame past my 5’ frame, going slow on purpose. orderline shocked by the sexually charged repartee, I couldn’t decide if something was going on or if he was just messin’ with me. Regardless, I was unnerved and didn’t know what to do next. In another weak attempt to divert, I said, “y the way, I have a problem.” “erfect,” he said, as he dropped the screwdriver back in the box with the remaining smoke detectors. “I’ve been looking for an opportunity to solve a problem all morning.” “I can’t take a shower because there’s a spider in the bathtub.”

A Guide to Parenting Success for the Modern Working Mom

ATARA MALACH

LAS VEGAS, NV TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

PART ONE: GREEN = GO = LOVE Applying the Characteristics Symbolized by the Green Light Bumps in the Road Speed Tactics for Faster Results Additional Road Signs Examples from Other Mothers Implementing Your Newfound Skills at Work Frequently Asked Questions

PART TWO: RED = STOP = AUTHORITY Applying the Characteristics Symbolized by the Red Light Bumps in the Road Speed Tactics for Faster Results Additional Road Signs Examples from Other Mothers Implementing Your Newfound Skills at Work Frequently Asked Questions

PART THREE: YELLOW = CAUTION = TRUST Applying the Characteristics Symbolized by the Yellow Light Bumps in the Road Speed Tactics for Faster Results Additional Road Signs Examples from Other Mothers Implementing Your Newfound Skills at Work Frequently Asked Questions

Conclusion INTRODUCTION

HOW IT ALL BEGAN

remember the first driving lesson I ever had. I was sitting safely buckled into the driver’s seat, both hands gripping the steering Iwheel, heart pounding, staring straight ahead. The driving instructor told me to turn the ignition on and press softly on the gas. I was aghast. Start driving right then, with absolutely no experience? I should put the car into drive and start moving? I had never driven a car before, so naturally I was horrified at the prospect of injuring an innocent pedestrian, or at the very least, crashing into a parked car. Was she kidding? But that’s how we all begin our journey, isn’t it? Whether it’s on the road as an inexperienced driver or the moment we hold our first child in our arms, at one point in time, we are all new at this. In the case of parenting, nobody taught us how to do it; we are pretty much told to press on the gas pedal before we know how to drive. This is the often scary yet awesome journey we take as parents, learning along the way as we move through the highways of our lives. It is exhilarating, exhausting, and the most rewarding accomplishment we can ever experience. Nobody prepared me adequately for how hard it is to be a mother, but what was more challenging was not realizing how difficult it would be to raise children happily while pursuing my career. So, when my first child was born, I was not only calm but absolutely positive about my future. I had my life all planned out: I would love being a mother while continuing to devote as much time as necessary to 2 | ATARA MALACH thrive at work. What I didn’t realize was how conflicted and torn I would feel every minute of every single day. What about you? When you’re at work, do you feel you should be home with your sick child or new baby? When you’re at home, are you often preoccupied with your issues at work? Do you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated, and guilty while trying to raise your young children and give your all to your career? Are you tired of feeling that wherever you are, you should be someplace else, or that no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough? If you answered yes to any (or all!) of these questions, then this book is for you. I struggled with these same feelings for many years while raising my children as I built my private practice. My goal was to make everyone happy, and when I couldn’t do that, I tried even harder. I loved being a mother to my six beautiful children, but I also enjoyed every minute I spent with my clients. My work was meaningful and important to me, and I didn’t want to give up anything in either part of my life. I wondered, Why, if I have a rewarding career and an amazing family, am I feeling so overwhelmed, frustrated, and resentful most of the time? The truth is, I loved doing certain things for family. Baking for a school event. Of course. Sitting in the park with other mothers watching my children on the swings and slides. How could I give that up? Creating treasured family traditions and giving each child individual attention. Wasn’t that what good parenting was all about? But I also loved my job. Long hours in the library researching my thesis. No problem. Staying extra hours in my private practice to build a reputation as a caring and dedicated professional. Wasn’t that absolutely necessary? While my list of obligations was endless and the demands were ever growing, my patience was almost nonexistent. And I was tired. I was always so tired. Then, one evening, everything changed. I was invited to speak to a large audience of working mothers (on how to become better parents, wouldn’t you know?). I had prepared A WORKING MOTHER’S GPS | 3 everything ahead of time so that I could leave my children fed, loved, and almost asleep—but that didn’t happen. Despite my heroic efforts, my youngest, then four, parked himself in front of the door and refused to let me leave. Nothing I did or said calmed him or convinced him, and I had to gently but firmly remove him from his defiant stakeout so that I could walk out the door. My heart was breaking as tears filled my eyes. On my way to the lecture I told myself, This is not what I signed up for. This isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not happy helping working women become better mothers while my children are so upset. There has to be a better way. I don’t want to do this anymore. That was the moment I wondered if I could create a parenting system that would work better for me and for the thousands of other working mothers I had connected to and learned from over the last few decades. Using my years of struggle as a working mother and dedicated therapist, I sought to create an effective parenting method for working mothers who felt the way I did. I am assuming that your career, your business, your profession is important to you. And it should be. You have likely invested a great deal of time, effort, and financial resources to get where you are professionally today. You may even have plans to obtain a promotion, earn a post-graduate degree, or open yet another branch of your business. Your work might be necessary for you to survive financially, or it may also be your life’s dream—something that adds meaning to your days. In short, whatever your personal situation is, work is probably an integral part of your life. I imagine that raising a family, being a mother, and seeing your children grow into wonderful human beings who contribute to society and emulate your life values is your life’s mission. As is true for me, it makes everything you are and everything you do eminently worthwhile. This dichotomy is our constant struggle. Our role as a mother is vital and of eternal value. Yet our professional endeavors limit the time we have for our children. This causes tremendous stress as well as constant guilt. You may be feeling torn, even tormented, as you 4 | ATARA MALACH juggle the demands of your work and the commitment to your home, your children, and your role as a mother. This is why I set out to find a way to parent my children with less confusion and guilt—to discover a system that would allow me to gain clarity and save time. In doing so, I created a set of guidelines that not only have helped me, but that can now help you create loving relationships with your children and allow you to enjoy raising them while devoting time to your work. Feeling skeptical? What if I told you that you already know everything you need to know about how to parent with confidence—how to be the mother every child loves, despite the long hours you are at work? What if all you had to do was apply the universally recognized road signs as guidelines, and then implement them in your parenting journey based on your personal comfort level and each child’s individual personality? If this sounds too good to be true, I’ve got good news for you: It’s truly that simple. My working mother’s GPS (Guidelines to Parenting Success) is based on the universal rules of the road that you have recognized and followed ever since you first crossed a street or drove a car. You already know what to do and how; you’re utilizing this valuable knowledge on a daily basis anytime you go someplace. All you have to do to enhance your life as a mom is to apply this knowledge to your parenting and to customize it to your unique personality and family situation. The basic components in any successful parenting plan have a combination of the following necessary elements: authority, trust, and love. Your children constantly need to feel that you are the authority, that you know what you are doing, and that you take full responsibility. They also need to feel that they can trust you, which helps them to gain confidence and learn to trust themselves. And, above all, children need to feel loved and treasured. The working mother’s GPS system is comprised of three specific elements: Universal Road Symbols, Parental Empowerment, and Flexibility. A WORKING MOTHER’S GPS | 5

First, it’s based on the traffic light we all recognize:

The green light emphasizes loving communication and how to encourage and connect, which fosters a long-lasting, loving relationship with our children. The red light is the symbol of authority, or how we learn when and how to say no. The yellow light symbolizes caution, allowing us to learn how to trust ourselves as parents and how to maximize daily interactions so that we earn our children’s trust.

Note here that I’ve put the colors in a slightly different order than how a traffic light is viewed linearly. The reason is that beginning with authority and rules before setting the foundation of love and positive communication actually backfires, igniting frustration for both parent and child. The last thing we want is for overworked parents to create resentful children, so this is why we begin with the green light of love. It also uses road signs we are all familiar with, which means you won’t have to learn an entirely new parenting language. For any time- challenged working mother, this is a fantastic bonus. Each traffic light section of the book features two coordinating road signs:

Green = • Mile Marker (consistency and encouragement) • Park and Ride (creative solutions) Red = • All-Way Stop (dealing with confict) • Do Not Enter (self-control) Yellow = • Slippery When Wet (slowing down) • Intersection Ahead (preparing for transitions) 6 | ATARA MALACH

Second, the program is geared to empower you to be the adult, the parent, and to feel comfortable and confident staying in the driver’s seat no matter how your children challenge you. This minimizes the frustration and guilt that is usually the result of expecting children to behave as adults, and of feeling resentful and out of control when you respond to their childish behavior. And third, it is flexible because you have full control over how to adjust the components of love, authority, and trust, according to your child’s needs, the situation, or your own preference at that moment. This gives you complete command of how and when to use these guidelines, which ensures a smooth ride to wherever you and your children need to arrive. Obviously, when your partner is on board and supporting you on this amazing journey, you will feel more confident and focused when planning your parenting roadmap. But even if you have differing needs and expectations, this program will bring out the best in each of you and allow you to complement each other when jointly parenting your children. Once you feel clear about these guidelines, the magic begins! You, as a devoted mother, are the biggest expert on who your child is: you know how sensitive he is or how stubborn she is; you realize when he needs boundaries or when she needs more confidence; you also know that parenting a toddler is very different from what you can expect of a twelve-year-old. Because this system combines love, authority, and trust, you will be able to decide in every interaction with each of your children—at any age or stage—how much of these factors you want to emphasize at any given moment. And because we’re using common road signs as guideposts to successful parenting, there is the added advantage of them being recognized by our partners and children so that cooperation and success are much more likely. While this book is aimed at working women, you can also benefit if you are not a working mother. This unique system will add to your parenting skills and enhance your relationship with your children no A WORKING MOTHER’S GPS | 7 matter your situation. And although I’ve chosen to use examples for children aged two through twelve throughout this book—because there are such varying levels of understanding during that age span— all of my techniques can be applied to teens as well. But this proven, practical, and proactive system goes beyond parenting—which is another reason it’s unique among the hundreds of parenting books out there. The powerful skills and guidelines you’ll discover in A Working Mother’s GPS will not only transform your relationship with your children, but they will be equally effective in enhancing your relationshps at work. This double benefit allows working mothers to implement the exact same parenting skills in the workplace that they’ve mastered at home, thus assuring their success in their careers as well as with their children. The best way to make the most of this book is to first read through the chapters once. Reading the book in its entirety will help you understand the traffic light parenting method, which is laid out in three parts—green, red, and yellow—each consisting of the following:

Applying the characteristic symbolized by the traffic light The bumps in the road that can make change difficult The speed tactics that can create faster results Additional road signs that are necessary and helpful for your personal parenting roadmap Examples of issues that mothers from the weekly GPS groups have raised as they traverse the exhausting and exhilarating road of parenting while investing in their work Suggestions on how you can best implement your newfound skills at work Frequently asked questions that were asked by other working mothers just like you 8 | ATARA MALACH

As you understand the importance of each “traffic light” and discover new skills, you will feel empowered to parent your children with confidence and clarity, as well as augment your skills when implemented at work. Eva, a mother of four children ages two to twelve who manages an HR department in a large firm, shared the following:

I was very skeptical about starting yet another parenting program. I am an avid reader and have read scores of parenting books. What that accomplished was to confuse me completely. Each expert had another opinion about dealing with children. I needed to memorize how to respond if my daughter didn’t want to eat her vegetables, but then react in a totally different manner when she was speaking disrespectfully or refusing to share her toys. I kept running to my books to find the specific pages that held the sage advice I needed at that moment. And when I needed to deal with a situation that wasn’t described in the books, I was lost. With the Working Mothers GPS, once I grasped the components, I was able to utilize and implement them in every single situation, no matter what was happening! This saves so much time and minimizes any confusion. I use the same skills for my toddler scattering toys as I do with my twelve-year-old not doing his homework. I feel competent and confident instead of confused and frustrated. And best of all I can implement most of these skills at work. It’s beyond amazing.

Like many important things in life, parenting is an ongoing process. As such, when you begin to apply these parenting methods, you will notice what you are unclear about or struggling with, at which point you will benefit by going back to that particular section in the book and spending more time focusing on that specific aspect. Some mothers have shared that they keep this book handy to reread often, because each time they do, they notice something that they hadn’t internalized before. A WORKING MOTHER’S GPS | 9

It might also be necessary for you to focus more intently on any chapter that doesn’t come naturally for you. For example, mothers who find it easy to assert their authority may find it helpful to spend more time in the chapters on trust and love. Other mothers who naturally create loving, encouraging home environments and a strong sense of trust may find it important to spend more time in the chapter on authority. However you approach it, know that in this parenting program, you are constantly in the driver’s seat. How you read, learn, internalize, and implement the various skills is entirely up to you. With this book in hand, you now have at your fingertips an effective, successful parenting program based on input from thousands of working mothers worldwide. So I invite you to grab this opportunity to begin implementing the valuable skills you will learn in the following pages. Your work and home lives can exist joyfully side by side, and the perfect time to start down the road to achieving that harmony is now. So press on the gas and enjoy this life-changing journey toward becoming the working mother you’ve dreamed of being—and the one your children will admire and love. How Can We Support You?

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