H'mas, G-D Forbid One Is Admired for Its "Lip"
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Sh*na a Journal of Jewish responsibility 23/449 MARCH 5, 1993 call of those high-pressure moments for a satisfying, "hard-working" food that goes the distance. 4. Shofaroni—horn-shaped pasta popular in Elul and early Tishri, these annual treats require practice to prepare properly. While gourmets judge other pasta by its "al dente", its texture as the teeth bite into it, this H'mas, g-d forbid one is admired for its "lip". When cooked by amateurs, ! a journal of jeivish metathesis shofaroni falls flat. Zesty savor is not for the faint of heart. 5. Hatnani—three-cornered pasta-pillows stuffed with whatever. Repeated serving of Hamani calls for all kinds of booze and leads to headaches. 6. Zioni—lovely six-pointed stars come in a variety of stripes. Some say there is no decent Zioni outside of Israel. Others say that Zioni in America are excellent, but only when rich and prepared to make a large contribution to any dinner. Jottings from an editor's desk The torah—a summary Eugene Borowitz, Port Washington, NY Eric Mendelsohn, Toronto, Canada Talmud: Our Sinners also do Mitsvot Genesis—Everything happens When Robert A. Goldberg was arrested and charged Exodus—One big thing happens with criminal solicitation and the attempted murder of his wife who wouldn't divorce him so he could marry : Leviticus—Nothing happens Numbers—We're not sure what happened his girlfriend, an alleged prostitute, an investigator said , Deuteronomy—Let me tell you what happened he asked that the killing be done after the Jewish holidays (New York Times, 10/4/92). And people complain we're non-observant. Es pasta nit Hasidim, Pioneering Religious Liberty Leigh Lemer, Montreal, Quebec The Lubavitch-sponsored 18 foot me no rah in Cincinnati's Fountain Square provided the civil rights ' The enjoyment of pasta knows no national or ethnic basis the Ku Klux Klan used to erect an eight foot boundaries, but manufacturers have discovered how to white cross there. When an intolerant gentile quickly tailor-make pasta for maximum appeal to specific toppled it, the Klan, now educated as to their rights, , markets. The following varieties are planned for release quickly moved to replace it (New York Times, i on Purim: 12/22/92). 1. Cantilloni—pasta pashtas, pazers, sof pasuks and Personal Help Wanted Ad zakef katans. All those little musical notes you see I need a psychotherapist with an unusual specialty. Is every Shabbat around the letters in the Humash taste there anyone out there who knows how to work with best floating in a mellow, somewhat schmaltzy, but people suffering from the pains of coming from a non- fast-running sauce. dysfunctional family? True my father never took me 2. Rabbini—these serious-looking pasta "faces" are fishing or studied Torah with me and my mother didn't usually appealing. Even those who eat pasta every day read me stories before putting me to bed. But they can find rabbini hard to swallow when they're half- loved me enough to trust me and to go my own baked or over-done and slippery. American way. Which isolates me from all those people complaining about their rotten upbringing. I feel 3. Hineini—pasta that's always ready to go. Whether neurotic being so relatively sane. Help! from the can, microwave or freezer, hineini answers to 65 The leftover rebbe Riddles to-fill-in Alan Yuter, Springfield, NJ Raphael C. Adler, East Northport, NY The following qvetchions were put to the Leftover Q. Where did you get your tephillin repaired? Rebbe, whose tish is never troubled with Leftovers. A. At a tephillin station Question: Why do you give wine instead of bread for Q. But where did they make them? shirayim (leftovers)? Other rebbes give bread? A. In a Philactoiy Answer: My hassidim drink and whine a lot. So I want them to have a cheerayim when they say le-hayyim, Q. What do you call a tephillin theft? which means "cheers". A. A Bayis crime Q. Why did the fellow buy a Shel Rosh and Shel Yad? What berocha must one say upon seeing a torn sefer A. He wanted a boxed set Torahl Answer: One must recite the same blessing that one Q. When is your shin on your head? says when one reads the Torah on Purim: al qeriyat A. When it is attached to your rosh ha-Torah. Do you have a fitting investment for a modern Sh'ma Orthodox rabbi in these troubled economic and a journal of Jewish responsibility theological times? Answer: Invest in Real Estate Investment Trusts, Senior Editors Eugene B. Borowitz, Irving Greenberg, which are called REITS. Harold M. Schulweis Editor Nina Beth Cardin Why does the halakhah concern itself with the rights of Administrators Betsy M. Landis, Alicia Seeger the mother when discussing the permissibility of Production Bambi Marcus abortion? In this egalitarian age, what happened to the Contributing Editors Michael Berenbaum, David BiaU, rights of the father? Is he chopped liver? Balfour Brickner, Elliot N. Dorff, Arnold Eisen, David EUenson, Answer: We concern ourselves only with the rights of Leonard Fein, Neil Gillman, Joanne Greenberg, Susan Handelman, the mother because the fetus is the woman's issue. Lawrence Hoffman, Paula Hyman, Lawrence Longer, Rela Geffen Monson, Deborah Dash Moore, David Novak, Riv-EUen PreU, Ellen Why is the rebbe's beis medresh so cold? Umansky, Elie Wiesel, Arnold Jacob Wolf, Walter Wurzburger, Answer: They do not call it "ye shiwa" for nothing. Michael Wyschogrod. Sh'ma welcomes articles from diverse points of view. Hence, the What does one call a monthly magazine devoted to the opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the editors. sensitive subject of family purity? Donations to Sh'ma are tax-deductible. Sh'ma is available in Answer: Our custom is to call it a "periodical". microform from University Microfilms Internat'l., Ann Arbor, MI. Your rebbe colleague, Rabbi Shneerson, shlita, has his Long book reviews appear quarterly; shorter ones regularly. Unsigned reviews are by Eugene B. Borowitz. center on 770 Eastern Parkway. Is there any significance to this number? Address all correspondence, subscriptions and change of address notices to Sh'ma, c/o CLAL, 99 Park Avenue, Suite S-300, New Answer: Of course, for when one multiplies 770 by York, NY 10016. FAX: 212-867-8853. yama, qeidma, tsafona, ve-negba, west, east, north and south, the four directions, one gets 3080 [Broadway], Sh'ma (ISSN 0049-0385) is published bi-weekly except June, July and August, by CLAL, 99 Park Avenue, Suite S300, New York, the address of the Jewish Theological Seminary of NY 10016. Subscription $27 for two years in U.S.; $17 a year America. overseas. Ten or more to one address, $9 each year. Retired or handicapped persons of restricted means may subscribe at half What did Rabbenu Bart Simpson say when his animal price. was confiscated by the High Priest in Jerusalem? Copyright © 1993 by CLAL Answer: Rabbenu Bart answered: "Don't have a cow. At least not mine." POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Sh'ma, c/o CLAL, 99 Park Avenue, S-300, New York, NY 10016-1599. Second-class postage paid at New York, NY March 5,1993 66 Q. What do you call someone in favor of Tephillin? Hello. You have reached the headquarters of Lubavitch A. A Pro-phy lactic International. If you think the Rebbe is the Moshiach, Q. What do you wear for a Hawaiian Shacharit? please press "Speed dial" 770; if you think the Rebbe A. Lei Tefillin might be the Moshiach, please press "Star" 770. If you think you might be the Moshiach, please stay on the line; if you think you might be the Rebbe, please hang up and try your call again. If there is no answer, we Purim voice mail have been taken up in rapture, and you may reach us by Richard Hirsch, Philadelphia, PA calling the overseas operator and asking for the Third 1. Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Temple, 770 Eastern Parkway, The Old City, Jerusalem Rabbis. If you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3; if you are Have a blessed day. Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you are Reform, press any button you like; if you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons, Seven seventoy presents i (DING) Raphael C. Adler, East Northport, NY Please hold on while I transfer your call... The history ending toy of the Messianic Age!! Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The Play Rebbe at home with the Messiah-King Fun Pack. answer to your question is that it is foibidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. Comes with all these: (DING) Authentic plastic fedora with removable crown attachment lets you reveal yourself whenever you Hello. You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The choose. answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer Yechi Melech Ha Moshiach tape with deafening cheers is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has been makes dress up realistic. Put it on and wave, blink or helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. nod to your pretend fans as you whip them into a (DING) frenzy. Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer Messiah King wallet includes: to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? a. Rebbe bucks-hand out to your friends while Who are we to say? If you wish to change affiliation, promising cures and giving personal advice press 18.