Sh*na a Journal of Jewish responsibility 23/449 MARCH 5, 1993 call of those high-pressure moments for a satisfying, "hard-working" food that goes the distance. 4. Shofaroni—horn-shaped pasta popular in Elul and early Tishri, these annual treats require practice to prepare properly. While gourmets judge other pasta by its "al dente", its texture as the teeth bite into it, this H'mas, g-d forbid one is admired for its "lip". When cooked by amateurs, ! a journal of jeivish metathesis shofaroni falls flat. Zesty savor is not for the faint of heart. 5. Hatnani—three-cornered pasta-pillows stuffed with whatever. Repeated serving of Hamani calls for all kinds of booze and leads to headaches. 6. Zioni—lovely six-pointed stars come in a variety of stripes. Some say there is no decent Zioni outside of . Others say that Zioni in America are excellent, but only when rich and prepared to make a large contribution to any dinner.

Jottings from an editor's desk The torah—a summary Eugene Borowitz, Port Washington, NY Eric Mendelsohn, Toronto, Canada Talmud: Our Sinners also do Mitsvot Genesis—Everything happens When Robert A. Goldberg was arrested and charged Exodus—One big thing happens with criminal solicitation and the attempted murder of his wife who wouldn't divorce him so he could marry : Leviticus—Nothing happens Numbers—We're not sure what happened his girlfriend, an alleged prostitute, an investigator said , Deuteronomy—Let me tell you what happened he asked that the killing be done after the Jewish holidays (New York Times, 10/4/92). And people complain we're non-observant. Es pasta nit Hasidim, Pioneering Religious Liberty Leigh Lemer, Montreal, Quebec The Lubavitch-sponsored 18 foot me no rah in Cincinnati's Fountain Square provided the civil rights ' The enjoyment of pasta knows no national or ethnic basis the Ku Klux Klan used to erect an eight foot boundaries, but manufacturers have discovered how to white cross there. When an intolerant gentile quickly tailor-make pasta for maximum appeal to specific toppled it, the Klan, now educated as to their rights, , markets. The following varieties are planned for release quickly moved to replace it (New York Times, i on Purim: 12/22/92). 1. Cantilloni—pasta pashtas, pazers, sof pasuks and Personal Help Wanted Ad zakef katans. All those little musical notes you see I need a psychotherapist with an unusual specialty. Is every Shabbat around the letters in the Humash taste there anyone out there who knows how to work with best floating in a mellow, somewhat schmaltzy, but people suffering from the pains of coming from a non- fast-running sauce. dysfunctional family? True my father never took me 2. Rabbini—these serious-looking pasta "faces" are fishing or studied Torah with me and my mother didn't usually appealing. Even those who eat pasta every day read me stories before putting me to bed. But they can find rabbini hard to swallow when they're half- loved me enough to trust me and to go my own baked or over-done and slippery. American way. Which isolates me from all those people complaining about their rotten upbringing. I feel 3. Hineini—pasta that's always ready to go. Whether neurotic being so relatively sane. Help! from the can, microwave or freezer, hineini answers to

65 The leftover rebbe Riddles to-fill-in Alan Yuter, Springfield, NJ Raphael C. Adler, East Northport, NY The following qvetchions were put to the Leftover Q. Where did you get your tephillin repaired? Rebbe, whose tish is never troubled with Leftovers. A. At a tephillin station Question: Why do you give wine instead of bread for Q. But where did they make them? shirayim (leftovers)? Other rebbes give bread? A. In a Philactoiy Answer: My hassidim drink and whine a lot. So I want them to have a cheerayim when they say le-hayyim, Q. What do you call a tephillin theft? which means "cheers". A. A Bayis crime Q. Why did the fellow buy a Shel Rosh and Shel Yad? What berocha must one say upon seeing a torn sefer A. He wanted a boxed set Torahl Answer: One must recite the same blessing that one Q. When is your shin on your head? says when one reads the Torah on Purim: al qeriyat A. When it is attached to your rosh ha-Torah. Do you have a fitting investment for a modern Sh'ma Orthodox in these troubled economic and a journal of Jewish responsibility theological times? Answer: Invest in Real Estate Investment Trusts, Senior Editors Eugene B. Borowitz, Irving Greenberg, which are called REITS. Harold M. Schulweis Editor Nina Beth Cardin Why does the halakhah concern itself with the rights of Administrators Betsy M. Landis, Alicia Seeger the mother when discussing the permissibility of Production Bambi Marcus abortion? In this egalitarian age, what happened to the Contributing Editors Michael Berenbaum, David BiaU, rights of the father? Is he chopped liver? Balfour Brickner, Elliot N. Dorff, Arnold Eisen, David EUenson, Answer: We concern ourselves only with the rights of Leonard Fein, Neil Gillman, Joanne Greenberg, Susan Handelman, the mother because the fetus is the woman's issue. Lawrence Hoffman, Paula Hyman, Lawrence Longer, Rela Geffen Monson, Deborah Dash Moore, David Novak, Riv-EUen PreU, Ellen Why is the rebbe's beis medresh so cold? Umansky, Elie Wiesel, Arnold Jacob Wolf, Walter Wurzburger, Answer: They do not call it "ye shiwa" for nothing. Michael Wyschogrod. Sh'ma welcomes articles from diverse points of view. Hence, the What does one call a monthly magazine devoted to the opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the editors. sensitive subject of family purity? Donations to Sh'ma are tax-deductible. Sh'ma is available in Answer: Our custom is to call it a "periodical". microform from University Microfilms Internat'l., Ann Arbor, MI. Your rebbe colleague, Rabbi Shneerson, shlita, has his Long book reviews appear quarterly; shorter ones regularly. Unsigned reviews are by Eugene B. Borowitz. center on 770 Eastern Parkway. Is there any significance to this number? Address all correspondence, subscriptions and change of address notices to Sh'ma, c/o CLAL, 99 Park Avenue, Suite S-300, New Answer: Of course, for when one multiplies 770 by York, NY 10016. FAX: 212-867-8853. yama, qeidma, tsafona, ve-negba, west, east, north and south, the four directions, one gets 3080 [Broadway], Sh'ma (ISSN 0049-0385) is published bi-weekly except June, July and August, by CLAL, 99 Park Avenue, Suite S300, New York, the address of the Jewish Theological Seminary of NY 10016. Subscription $27 for two years in U.S.; $17 a year America. overseas. Ten or more to one address, $9 each year. Retired or handicapped persons of restricted means may subscribe at half What did Rabbenu Bart Simpson say when his animal price. was confiscated by the High Priest in Jerusalem? Copyright © 1993 by CLAL Answer: Rabbenu Bart answered: "Don't have a cow. At least not mine." POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Sh'ma, c/o CLAL, 99 Park Avenue, S-300, New York, NY 10016-1599. Second-class postage paid at New York, NY

March 5,1993

66 Q. What do you call someone in favor of Tephillin? Hello. You have reached the headquarters of Lubavitch A. A Pro-phy lactic International. If you think the Rebbe is the Moshiach, Q. What do you wear for a Hawaiian Shacharit? please press "Speed dial" 770; if you think the Rebbe A. Lei Tefillin might be the Moshiach, please press "Star" 770. If you think you might be the Moshiach, please stay on the line; if you think you might be the Rebbe, please hang up and try your call again. If there is no answer, we Purim voice mail have been taken up in rapture, and you may reach us by Richard Hirsch, Philadelphia, PA calling the overseas operator and asking for the Third 1. Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of Temple, 770 Eastern Parkway, The Old City, Jerusalem . If you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3; if you are Have a blessed day. Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you are Reform, press any button you like; if you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons, Seven seventoy presents i (DING) Raphael C. Adler, East Northport, NY Please hold on while I transfer your call... The history ending toy of the Messianic Age!! Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The Play Rebbe at home with the Messiah-King Fun Pack. answer to your question is that it is foibidden by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. Comes with all these: (DING) Authentic plastic fedora with removable crown attachment lets you reveal yourself whenever you Hello. You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The choose. answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer Yechi Melech Ha Moshiach tape with deafening cheers is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has been makes dress up realistic. Put it on and wave, blink or helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. nod to your pretend fans as you whip them into a (DING) frenzy. Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer Messiah King wallet includes: to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? a. Rebbe bucks-hand out to your friends while Who are we to say? If you wish to change affiliation, promising cures and giving personal advice press 18. b. One-way first-class airline ticket to Israel (DING) c. Glossy color photo of you know who! and assorted amulets Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionist rabbi. d. Public School Prayer card with a Rebbe approved The answer to your question presumes there is an liturgical selection. answer to your question However, my role is to empower you to answer your own question. To answer Junior carpenter tool kit-rebuild the Bais HaMikdash! your own question, please hang up now. Includes a lifelike rubber shamir with sharp scissor (CLICK) choppers. * * * • Matching white donkey sold separately. Hello. You have reached the Jewish Federation. If you Send cash, pledges or phone—9 (nein) M-E-S-S-I-A-H. want to make a contribution to the campaign, press 18. If you want to speak to a teal person, please stay on the line. If you want to make a contribution to the Scoping the candidates for 19% campaign, please press 18. If you still think you are Jack Moline, Alexandria, VA going to speak to a live person, please stay on the line. If you would like to make a contribution to the cam- It's never to early to consider who might be running for paign, press 18. If you wish to stay on the line, your President in 19%. While pundits have devoted call will be transferred to the Campaign Department. themselves to pronouncements on the "Jewish vote", • • • # nobody has ever been able to determine a reliable basis for just who deserves the Jewish vote—until now. The

67 same organization which publishes Burke's Peerage, 2. The word "traditional" refers to music which: tracing the roots of American politicians to the royal a. you learned as a child family of England, has just published Berkowitz's b. is taught at Cantorial School Yuchus, tracing the Jewish ancestry of said candidates. c. is of unknown authorship Here are some of the relevant data: d. has been sung in shul for three weeks in a row 's name is actually a corruption of the 3. The most frequently sung melody for Kiddush was Hebrew k'li natun, meaning "given pot" (but never composed by: inhaled). a. Louis Lewandowski b. Kurt Weil George Bush is unlikely to make a comeback. BY c. Bob Dylan attempts to trace "Bush" to an abbreviation of the Ba'al d. Moses Shem, but is unsuccessful. Instead, it indicates roots in a Polish-Jewish family named "Busha", meaning 4. You lose your voice on Kol Nidre eve. Do you: "embarrassment". The original Bushas were renowned a. hire a sub blushers. b. ask the rabbi to postpone the service to a later date A1 Gore's family abbreviated the name from gornisht, c. lip-sync to Richard Tucker tape Yiddish for "nothing", upon arriving at Ellis Island in d. call Bill Clinton's voice doctor the 20s. Attempts by Gore's grandparents to justify the family name with the Hebrew verse "gor ba'aretz 4. The correct way to show emotion during a piece is hazot" ("dwell in this land") are tenuous and depend on to: pronouncing Hebrew with a Tennessee accent. a. close your eyes BY traces a number of Democratic hopefuls, including b. krechtz Sam Nunn (see A1 Gore), Lloyd Bentsen (actually c. make pained facial expressions Ben-tzion), Jesse Jackson (Yishai ben Yaakov, an d. rip your clothing Ethiopian name) and Dick Gephardt (the "ph" is 5. The working relationship between rabbi and cantor actually pronounced "f") and finds them all of Jewish should be: ancestry. Similarly, Bob Dole (from dal, meaning a. friendly "wretched" or "poor"), James Baker (a blend of biker, b. supportive "visit" and boker, "morning", i.e., the guy who shows c. harmonious up for coffee at 7:30 AM) and John Sununu (from a d. well, it doesn't hurt to try family of self-haters, the Soneinus) have good Jewish credentials. Pat Buchanan was found to have no Jewish 6. In the Conservative movement, women are allowed roots whatsoever. to become: a. rabbis, but not cantors Ironically, the potential candidate with the best Jewish b. cantors, but not rabbis credentials is southern Senator Jesse Helms, whose c. rabbis, but not witnesses ancestors hail from the town of Chelm, the legendary d. totally confused home of fools and morons.

A legend of two brothers Jonathan H. Gerard and Ben Rous There once were two brothers. They lived at opposite ends of a field which they owned together. The first Cantonal school final exam brother was married and had three children. His family Jeff Klepper, Evanston, IL brought him much happiness. The second brother lived alone. 1. The proper term for Jewish prayer chant is: a. nigun All spring and summer they would plant and tend their b. nusach field until the wheat was ready to be gathered. Then c. old socks they would reap the harvest of their land and divide it d. safe socks in half.

68 One year at harvest time the first brother lay awake at will still have the same smell. No longer need ye call night thinking about his brother and about the wheat. yourselves, Yitzhak, Moish or Rivke. Call yourselves "My brother lives alone," he reasoned. "I have a loving Irving or Barry or Maurice, call yourselves Rose or wife and three children. It is not right that he gets as Lena or Fanny ; name thy sons Joel or Bernie or much wheat as I." And so he pulled his farmer's pants Isadore. Change Cohen to Cowan or Cogan; change up over his knees and stole out to where two equal Bronstein to Brown And when you do this, you will piles lay across the field from each other. In the dark of fool everyone. For no one would mistake Irving for a night he gathered as marry sheaves of wheat from his Jewish name. brother's pile as his open arms could hold and brought them across the field to his own pile. Later that same night the second brother woke up from These are a few of my favorite things a troubled sleep and thought about his brother and Mark Wilson, Atlanta, GA about the wheat, "My brother has a wife and family," There are amid the passion and the glory a few ; he reasoned, "and I have nothing. It is unfair that he Jewish foods so nasty that even I will not touch 1 also gets that much wheat. I have so little, compared to them. Should you really care about me, you will him, I should at least get a little extra wheat for my future." And so, with the field lit only by the moon, he absolutely eschew the following: stole across to his brother's pile, filled his arms with as Pitscha—if ever there were an onomatopoeia, much as they could hold, and brought them across to pitscha is most deserving of its name. Garlic jello. his own pile. The gelatinous remains of boiled calf s foot, The next morning the brothers returned to the field to enhanced with shreds of meat and copious fresh continue their harvesting and found the piles to be the garlic. Brown. Granular. Quivery. I have spent same height. They were confounded but, not knowing seven years in analysis because my doting Aunt what had happened, they went about their work. Leah tried to force feed me pitscha at the tender That night, following the same reasoning that had age of two. Pitscha is also known as "fussnoga", a occurred to them before, each went out to the field and German-Russian name that translates "foot-foot". transferred a measure of wheat from his brother's pile to Good luck. his own. The following morning, each was again Fisselach (Coq-an-pitscha)—fisselach are the surprised to find their piles the same height. viscous remnants of chicken feet that have been After several nights of this recurring transfer of wheat boiled to fare-thee-well to fortify the chicken soup. both brothers set out again to repeat their stealth. On My earliest childhood recollections involve the this particular night, however, they came to each other's visage of my mother and my Aunt Minnie, may pile of wheat at the same time and met, halfway she rest in peace, hunched over the kitchen sink between the two piles, each with his arms full of the sucking the last zesty morsels out of a batch of other's produce. As it slowly dawned upon them why fisselach. Even then, you will note, they were each morning their piles of wheat had remained the beneath the status of table food. Now that we buy same, they dropped the wheat they were holding, kosher chickens pre-processed and frozen, the grabbed each other by the throat and strangled each other. Jewish homemaker no longer had ready access to fisselach. My mother laments their departure the Legend has it that this is the very spot that was chosen way that many an old crony decries the demise of to build the Israeli Knesset. the nickel cigar.

Exodus, chapter 77. Names, etc. Purim shelach munes Bernard D. Fischman, New York, NY Phil Cohen When thou enterest the Land called America, thou may In President Bush's last week of office, he spent most wishest to change thy name. Go ahead. Remember of his time on the telephone saying good-bye to many what's in a name? A Rosenbaum by any other name of the other heads of state, including Prime Minister

69 Major and President Mitterand. When talking with son treats his mother?" have spread worldwide and have i Prime Minister Rabin, Bush was reminiscingabou t the been recorded as far away as Nepal and Zamboanga. | Gulf War. Suddenly Rabin interrupted and told Bush 1 SHANNAH TOVAH (1970-) 1 that he had to put him on "hold" for a minute. Bush Musician-linguist. She tried to make Yiddish slang as ' was unaccustomed to being put on "hold" by anyone, popular as Black English. People thought her hit record, | | J no less than the State of Israel, but he went along with "I get Nachas from you," concerned a Tex-Mex snack j r the seeming discourtesy, assuming it was some food, and her video, "Tamshevattah Kid," was about a | •, emergency. When Rabin came back on the line, Rabin Japanese movie star. She was asked to leave the i was apologetic and explained he had to interrupt Bush synagogue choir for trying to sing the gageshes. Her because he had to take call from Moses. "Moses!" rock video, "Avinu volcano," is coming out next month exclaimed Bush "Could Rabin arrange for me to talk to Moses" he asked. Rabin replied in the negative. Bush pressed his request and eventually asked Rabin: "Why can't I talk with Moses?" Rabin replied: "The last time The gragger a bush spoke to Moses my people wound up wandering Gershon Schwartz, Baldwin, NY ; in the desert for 40 years." [For earlier responsum by the Gragger, see previous j Purim issues of Sh'ma.\ '< I Popular jewish movies SHEELAH: Last December, a number of officers from | the Conservative synagogue of which I am rabbi Ethel C. Fenig, , IL attended the United Synagogue convention, where A FEW GOOD MEN. A comedy/drama about-you Professor Gary Tobin of Brandeis University spoke. He j: guessed it—an Orthodox congregation struggling to get a urged the delegates to "market the synagogue...." My minyan on a cold winter's morning. congregants were mesmerized by Professor Tobin's , presentation. Since then, they have published a slick HOME ALONE I and II. The flip side and sequels to new bulletin, produced a PR video for membership and 1 the above; comedies about a teenage boy who will do redesigned the Yahrzeit reminderwit h an available anything not to count. computer-generated calendar. IT SHOULDNT TAKE A HERO. Nahum All this is well and good. Now, however, they want to Schwarzkopf. A black hat straightforwardly explains take the "marketing of the synagogue" one step further \ how to be a mensch. and have voted to change the name of our shul from SHUCKELY BROCHELY HEART. Eli Ray Lev. His "Congregation Pirsumei Nisa" to "Jews-R-Us." payos and davening style have become the rage. This I turn to you, my respected teacher, to ask: Is it ' award-winning, record-breakingvide o demonstrates all. permitted to change the name of a synagogue from a • Hebrew name to a secular one? Rabbi J. Walter Thompson | j Noteworthy figures in jewish history Congregation Pirsumei Nisa j Joanne Greenberg, Golden, CO 435 Madison Avenue \ Woiz, ME Missing from most Jewish biographies are people whose achievements are not like peaks in our Jewish TESHUVAH: Very little has been written in the landscape, but more closely resemble craters. Isn't it halakhic literature about synagogue names. However, time we recognized these unsung (or badly sung) near- we can attempt to extrapolate from names in general. greats? When a person is very sick, the tradition is to change ' I their name or add a name to fool the molokh ha-movis MINNIE HOROWITZ (1890-19%) (angel of death). Often, the name Alter ("old one") or Theologian. Noted for her work on the Domestication Hayyim ("life") is added. I would see no violation in of Jewish Guilt. Realizing that the scoldings of the halakhah if your synagogue attempts to follow this Prophets struck too lofty a note, she produced a series practice. For example, if you are the smaller but of models covering all the events of domestic life. Her, friendlier shul in town, you could change the name to | "Never mind, I'll sit in the dark," and "Is this the way a "Congregation Alternatives", thus having the Yiddish

70 name, Alter, the English word "native", referring to the and your beeper fails to beep—not to worry! local shul, and the combined appelation meaning Redemption guaranteed! A special transport will be sent choice. for you and other latecomers. WARNING: If beeper beeps and you fail to respond-you shall be cut off from Purim kosher gourmet your kin and share the fare of skeptics, litvaks and the Sarah M. Mendlovitz, Portland, OR Torah-false". To order these bargain beepers, send cash only to: Choosing the right kosher wine for a Purim seudah bewilders many. Israeli, domestic? De Hurtz or Far Gan M. Yudi Eden? Rich, grapey malaga or sour goyish Chablis? c/o Yeshivas Shir Hashirim Achen vey or oy veyl Ossining, NY 10562 To help deal with these weighty questions the Portland Wine Tasting havurah recently staged side-by-side The eight levels of guilt tastings of a nouveau Oregon Concord (made that very Rachel Esserman, Glenside, PA morning), a Star of David aged peach Royale (made yesterday) and a Manny sc hewitz loganberry of I recently discovered a manuscript by a little known indeterminate provenance. scholar referred to as the Mossbam Most of the manuscript deals with family law but there is one Our testing shows that Portlanders prefer Royale two to especially interesting passage that is obviously the basis one citing Royale's bouquet, spicy aftertaste and subtle for Maimonides eight levels of charity. Below are the undertones of other natural flavors that give it Mossbam's eight levels of guilt insouciance and presence. With ice and 7Up, this becomes a lively contender for the frummy summer 1. You feel guilty for having sinned. trade. 2. You make someone else feel guilty when they sin. The Concord is less souring but a sure winner with the 3. You feel guilty when you have not sinned. richer species of fish while the loganberry has an earthy aroma and a touch of tannin. It should age well to be 4. You make someone else feel guilty when they have come a truly palatable wine in fifteen to twenty years. not sinned. Another wine to consider is Yogafen's rich, full bodied, 5. You make someone else feel guilty when you both double-blended cream European blackberry that is a have sinned. dessert, nay a meal in itself. For those hardy few who 6. You make someone else feel guilty even though you prefer "nouveau gauche" vintages, a Yogafen's have sinned and they have not sinned. Chardonnay, an elusive fusion of old and new, is available. It has early dry touches of oak and apple 7. You have continuing feelings of guilt that do not finished with just a hint of pear (a regular fruit cocktail, depend on whether you have sinned or not ha! ha!). Yogafen also makes a Pinot Noir Blanc and a 8. You instill continuing feelings of guilt in a person Cabernet Sauvignon that are pretty sour but will make that do not depend on whether they sin or not you like a regular wine-maven during Brotherhood week parties. Psalm 23% On call Philip Cohen William Be mi an, Commack, NY The Lord is my broker I shall not want Vilst du koifen a moshiach beeper? Well, at 770 they're He maketh me to buy the hot stocks going for $30 a unit SPECIAL OFFER: Sh'ma readers He leadeth me to incredibly profitable options who bring in two new subscribers can get two beepers He felicitously guideth me through the world of junk for $50. bonds FLASH! Meshugana Yudi is selling them at the For the sake of His name and my bank book. incredible price of 3 for $50. This includes a guarantee Yea, though I walk in the shade of insider information which reads as follows: "If moshiach reveals himself I will fear no incarceration

71 For thou are with me 2. You can be reincarnated into a kosher animal the Thy infinite knowledge of the legal system second time around. (Another reason to reconsider Doth comfort me. the Jewish stance on chopped liver, brisket, and p'tcha.) Thou faxeth me the Wall Street Journal of two days hence 3. Jews usually get reincarnated as Jews. (Children of Right in front of the noses of my enemies mix-marriages wind up reincarnated as Marilyn and Thou anointest my head with Napoleon brandy Elvis impersonators.) There is, however, a growing I am driven only in Mercedes Benz reincarnation-by-choice movement that is blurring I always buyeth retail. traditional transmigrations of the soul. Yea, only massive and unceasing takeovers 4. You do not necessarily come back in your original Shall I pursue all the days of my life height and gender. (Hope for all those who, like me, And I shall dwell in the house of Diexel Bumam have become hapless victims of gravity and cross- Forever. dressing.)

Editor's Note: Our sincere thanks to the other Purim Eternal bliss: the shpil writers who sent their contributions which we were Moshe Waldoks, Newton, MA unable to include: Internal bliss can be derived by embracing eternal life, Robert R Appleson Eugene Levy or at least good old-fashioned Jewish reincarnation Melanie Aron Fred N. Reiner (gilgul haneshamot). Here's how it works: Etha Beatrice Fox Howard Sacknovitz Marv Hammerman Shirley Stein 1. You can be reincarnated into any kind of animal the Susan E. Hodge Gladys Sturman first time around. (Another reason why so many Tovah E. Hollander Maurice Varon Jews oppose the NRA.) Jonathan Kohn Nora Yood