Michigamua's Dilemma

THE MICHIGAN REVIEW Volume 18, Number 12 The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan Feb. – March, 2000 Michigamua’s Dilemma Bollinger Signs WRC BY MATTHEW S. SCHWARTZ fact, that eight SCC mem- bers recently took over the IGH ABOVE STATE STREET, group’s meeting place on the BY J AMES JUSTI N WILSON from inside the Tower of the seventh floor of the Union, HMichigan Union, the traditional vowing to stay put until the UCCUMBING TO PRESSURE sounds of a Native American drum echo University meets their de- after a three-day takeover of the LSA throughout the campus. Tribal chants in a mands regarding SDean’s office, University President foreign tongue add to that Michigamua and the other Lee Bollinger catered to student protesters’ News familiar drumbeat – the two “Tower Societies.” demands Feb. 19, announcing that he had beat people think of when Analysis The SCC – now in its signed on to the Workers’ Rights they hear the word “In- third week of occupation – Consortium (WRC) as a full member. dian,” the beat that goes DUM dum dum has several demands. Most Led by LSA senior Peter Romer- dum DUM dum dum dum and repeats importantly, they say, Friedman, a small group of students without end. People below stop and stare Michigamua must honor entered Dean Shirley Neuman’s office on upward, listening to the sounds and won- the agreement it made 11 the morning of Feb. 16, feigning interest dering what is going on in the Tower, in years ago to cease its Native in a possible a sign-language program. As those few floors that the elevators won’t America theme. This in- the receptionist went into a back room to reach. Who’s responsible for all the noise? cludes changing the name of get information for the students, a larger Not Michigamua – at least not since the group (“Michigamua” is group entered, took over the office, and 1997, when the group stopped using a Native American word for proceeded to set up a mock sweatshop – drums at its meetings. In 1989, the for- “falling water”); returning all complete with recorded sound effects – in merly-secret society signed an agreement its Native American artifacts which to produce SOLE T-shirts. They – including a case of 5,000 intended to occupy the office until the promising to end the group’s use of Indian- Review style rituals (the drums persisted because year old arrowheads found University signed on to the Workers Right Michigamua wasn’t aware that beating a in the area – to Native Consortium. drum was an exclusively Indian ritual). The American communities; and The WRC is an agreement drawn up M. Schwartz / Students of Color Coalition (SCC), how- destroying all the group’s by United Students Against Sweatshops This bust is just one of the many references to Indian ever, believes that Michigamua (pro- See MICHIGAMUA, culture the protesters retrieved from the attic. nounced “MichiGAWmah”) has not lived See WRC, Page 3 Page 8 It now sits on display in the center of the office. up to its end of the bargain. So strongly, in Sharpton Urges Campus to Support SCC Calls for end to ‘intellectual masturbation’

BY J AMES JUSTI N WILSON Sharpton has earned the nickname ing, Sharpton led a group of people in halt- “Rev. Soundbite” for his outspoken in- ing traffic on many Freeways around New ONDEMNING WHAT HE volvement in many politically-charged ra- Jersey — shedding his trademark baggy termed “academic schizophrenia” cial issues. He did nothing to shake off that jogging togs for a suit and tie. C and “intellectual masturbation,” moniker in Ann Arbor, suggesting that Saturday’s appearance was another the Rev. Al Sharpton vis- Michigamua’s use of Native American im- departure: Sharpton turned out in a hand- ited the University on Feb. News agery is analogous to “a furnace celebrat- some black suit to meet with SCC orga- 19 to support the Stu- Analysis ing Nazi concentration camps.” nizers, who seized the tower earlier in the dents of Color Coalition Generally considered an outsider at month. SCC alleges that Michigamua, the (SCC) in its protest against Michigamua. many occasions, he’s been criticized by old once-secret, once-male society of In anticipation of his expected arrival at 7 some for showing up and making a lot of J. Wilson / Review p.m., the SCC had organized a rally in the noise, then leaving before a resolution is See SHARPTON, Page 5 The Reverend Crying ‘Racism!’ lobby of the Union. reached. Recently, to protest racial profil- First three copies free, www.michiganreview.com additional copies 50 cents. Letters From More Pictures from Vaginas Vaginas More from El 3 to the Editor 4 Suite One 5 the Sharpton Visit 10 Vaginas! 11 Señor Guípe

We always thought we See weak-willed and gutless Paging Rev. Sharpton: James Jake, our resident cunning lin- El Señor Guípe tells us bitter might have pissed off a lot of white man with bad hair Brown called, he wants his guist, offers up a juicy review, guys how to woo those heart- loyal readers with the pot sign contract offered by hair back. Oh, and your visit exposing the tastelessness of less creatures God created inserts – now we’re certain. guilty white rich kids. to Hillel was cancelled. the Vagina Monologues. with which to torment us. Page 2 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — SERPENT’S TOOTH February 23, 2000 ❑ SERPENT’S TOOTH THE MICHIGAN REVIEW Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is membered that he was scheduled to give running for president once again, as the the keynote speech at the National The Campus Affairs Journal of the Green Party candidate. Political analysts Hatemongers Convention in Boise, Idaho. University of Michigan see his candidacy as an alternative to the “Help Me Jebus!” usual two party system, and as yet another way the American voter can throw his or Comedian Jim Varney, who played Matthew “Big Red” Schwartz her vote away. Ernest P. Worrell in countless commercials Editor-in-Chief and movies, died recently of lung cancer. the injustice of having only one-ply Nader won 684,902 votes in 1996, The studio heads, however, have decided toiletpaper! Would it break the bank if they Jacob “Can’t Work Friday Nights” Oslick handily beating Bugs Bunny and to make a final tribute film, “Ernest Goes bought two-ply? Hey hey, ho ho, single- Managing Editor Bullwinkle, but falling slightly short of to Hell,” starring Carrot Top. ply paper has got to go! (repeat until very Optimus Prime. annoyed) Justin “Goes to Bed Early” Wilson Publisher Donald Trump recently announced * Place: the office of the Dean of the James “Has Trouble with Metal Detectors” Yeh Anti-Sweatshop thugs have finally got- that he would not seek the Reform Party School of Music National Affairs Editor ten their way at the University of Pennsyl- nomination for president this year. Appar- * Reason: What kind of incompetent vania, forcing their yellow-bellied president ently, he doesn’t want to join Steve Forbes music majors do we have out there? Can’t to withdraw from the Fair Labor Associa- and Ross Perot in the Blow-Millions-of- any of them think of a better protest chant ARTS EDITOR: David Guipe CONTRIBUTING ED.: R. Colin Painter tion. The decision probably won’t have too Your-Own-Money-in-a-Futile-and-Vain- than a million variations of “Hey hey ho ASSISTANT EDITOR: Matthew Franczak much of an effect on sales of school ap- Attempt-For-the-Presidency Club. With the ho?!” ILLUSTRATOR: Astrid Phillips parel however, probably because Fighting announcement, Trump also announced his ONLINE EDITOR: Rabeh Soofi ONLINE STAFF: Albert Feng Quaker fan apparel aren’t exactly flying off intention to build the first resort casino in * Place: the GEO office Mike Rosen the shelves as it is. Salt Lake City, tentatively called “Trump’s * Reason: Would it be too much to CORRESPONDENT: Julie Jeschke Tabernacle,” in an attempt to blow mil- ask that math and science GSIs learn to (LONDON) lions of his own money in another speak English? Must all we students go STAFF WRITERS: Mike Austin, Dustin Lee, David Trying to follow in the Birkenstocked manner. through class after class asking themselves Sackett, Kurt Rademacher, Curt Robertson footsteps of their comrades-in-arms here where the subtitles are? EDITORS EMERITI: Lee Bockhorn in Ann Arbor, students at the University Benjamin Kepple of Wisconsin at Madison attempted a simi- It was announced that the musical lar takeover of the office of U-W Chan- Cats will finally be ending its record-break- At a rally in Southfield, George W. The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal cellor David Ward, but were stopped by ing 18-year run on Broadway at the Win- Bush supporters were heard chanting, “We of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations campus police with pepper spray. Later, 48 ter Garden Theater this June 25th, due to Want Bush! We Want Bush!” Imagine the from the U–M. Contributions to the Michigan Review are tax- protesters were arrested after police clad sagging ticket sales. Unfortunately, once chants if Bush picked a guy named deductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code. The Review is not affiliated with any political party or in riot gear moved in to forcibly remove the show ends, all the performers will be Richard as his running mate... university political group. them. Apparently – and no one is sure rounded up into a burlap bag and tossed Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial about this mind you – but apparently they into the East River. board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed have these things called “laws” in Wiscon- Ace Reporter Jeremy “Scoop” Peters articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author and not necessarily those of the Review. The Serpent’s sin, and they’re “enforced” at the behest of of the Michigan Daily recently managed Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual anonymous a leader with “balls.” Happy Chinese New Year! This year to stowaway on McCain’s “Straight Talk contributors to the Review, and should not necessarily be taken as representative of the Review’s editorial stance. The it’s the year of the Dragon. Traditional ways Express” campaign bus, obtaining an in- opinions presented in this publication are not necessarily of celebrating Chinese New Year include terview with the presidential candidate. those of the advertisers or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal. Professional rabble-rouser Al Sharpton lighting firecrackers, dragon dances, giv- Members of the U-M Students for came town last Saturday, fresh off his stint ing out red envelopes of money, and only McCain, including Will “I have no idea There comes a time in every man’s life when he must make a choice, a choice that will set the tone for the rest of his days, as an aspiring speed bump on the Atlantic making the kids study math only five hours how he got that information” Rubens, were a choice that reveals his true strength, determination, and City Expressway and unsuccessful defen- a day instead of the usual six. shocked that Peters was able to secure the character. When that time comes, one would do well to heed the words of Richard Nixon, and remember that “a man is not dant in a libel suit to defend the SCC’s interview without going through “official” finished when he’s defeated; he’s finished when he quits.” actions against Michigamua. Sharpton re- Students for McCain channels — until I have made my decision. portedly decided to lend his support Al Gore and Bill Bradley faced off they realized that Scoop, who wrote his ar- because the SCC “had way too much Monday night in the famed Apollo The- ticle to sound like he was riding with the Please address all advertising, subscription inquiries, and credibility.” ater in Harlem. The debate covered a few Senator (“...Sitting in a maroon leather issue payments to Publisher c/o the Michigan Review . of the issues and went so well that the two chair aboard the ‘Straight Talk Ex- Editorial and Business Offices: Sharpton was not wearing his usual of them ended the debate with a hilarious press’...”), was actually questioning The Michigan Review 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One jogging suit, but rather a nice navy blue round of “yo mama” jokes. McCain during reporters time, bus sit- Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 pinstripe suit with a teal tie. Apparently, [email protected] ting immobile in a parking lot. Nice try, http://www.michiganreview.com he had to give all his jogging suits back to Scoop, but let’s try to keep the news pages Tel. (734) 647-8438 • Fax (734) 936–2505 Joey Buttafuoco. Since President Bollinger seems to be as factual as is possible at the Daily... it’s Copyright © 2000 The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. in a caving-in mood this week, Serpent’s only called “misleading” when the Presi- The Michigan Review is a member of the Collegiate Network. Sharpton was still cordial, however, suggests some other, much more worth- dent does it; for everyone else, it’s “lying.” and even allowed one of the Review’s in- while causes for which to occupy offices, Love us or hate us, trepid writers into his press conference. But and which offices to occupy for those this was probably because he didn’t know causes. As we go to press, it appears that Ira- write us. the Review was run by two Jews. nian moderates have won a landslide vic- * Place: uhh, let’s do the LSA dean’s tory in their recent Parliamentary elections. E-mail [email protected] Sharpton was supposed to come office again It seems all the anti-Zionists hardliners have with subject, “Letter to the Editor” Thursday, but had to cancel when he re- * Reason: We shall no longer live with immigrated to Ann Arbor. MR Or send mail to: The Michigan Review “But I don’t even believe in Jebus!” —Homer 911 N. University Ave. Ann Arbor, MI 48109 February 23, 2000 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — LETTERS, CAMPUS AFFAIRS Page 3 ❑ LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Reader “Surprised and Insulted” by Pot Petition

HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED FOR- drug legalization inserts, or with full-page what America has become as a result of the a man dressed only in a fly fishing cap dis- ward to seeing new issues of the Michi- advertisements for a “Hot Body Contest” at Industrial Revolution. A country who leads cussing the bodily measurements and num- Igan Review stacked next to the Michi- a certain Windsor music cafe. the world in almost every area of com- ber of “the ones that didn’t get away.” Dale, gan Daily on my way to class. This week, Do not think for an instant that the merce, and a country that is facilitating the who plays the part of a deer’s rear end in however, as I grabbed both papers (the lat- Review has taken a sharp turn toward liber- growth of smaller nations through this type one of the monologues commented, “I ter for a substandard summary of world tarianism; the majority of the ed-board is of employment. Because face it: a worker spent a lot of time trying to get into the news and a crossword puzzle) and the in- more conservative than libertarian, and that in Malaysia would be starving and unem- heads of deers while sitting in my blind serts dropped to the floor, I was disap- ratio will continue far into the future. ployed if he didn’t work in the Gap or Nike last fall. I think that I know what it is like pointed at what I found. There, among the —Ed. or Adidas or North Face factory. to think like one.” ads for things I have neither the time nor So despite the hardships that a sweat- It is believed that the production was the means, was a petition form that on one shop worker must go through, it certainly written by a man known only as Bud—a side had a clarification of Michigan’s state America Was Built beats the alternative. self-described author, taxidermist, and beer Constitution regarding procedure, and the on Sweatshops –Jonathan Janego, LSA Sophomore drinker. Bud reported writing the play af- other side an attempt at the legalization of ter losing his job, going on “one [heck] of marijuana. After hearing about SOLE’s occupa- Proof That We’re Not the a binge, and losing all my money in a card I was both surprised and insulted to tion of the Regent’s office yesterday, the Only Satirists On game.” Bud said that the idea for the mono- find such a document within a paper whose second though that occurred to me (the logues grew out of his anger at the ban on leadership I had once thought would not first being how silly it was to disrupt Campus: hunting from passenger vehicles in motion, lend its support to such a cause. Needless someone’s workspace) was how the mem- and the cancellation of the Dukes of Haz- to say, this insert actually did find itself use- bers of SOLE forget basic American his- ard in the 1980’s. ful on the floor of the bathroom. I would tory. * * * PRESS RELEASE * * * Although there are no plans at this hope that future publications would not Any study of the late 19th century will Inspired by the recent production of time for a state tour, the magazine Mid- insult the intelligence of its readers by con- undoubtedly mention the Industrial Revo- “The Vagina Monologues” at the Univer- western Outdoors and the swim suit com- doning such a viewpoint, leaving as the lution. This revolution wasn’t like our cur- sity, a local group of males has come to- pany Pocket Pool has offered to fund such only papers worth reading the Every Three rent Information Revolution, however. It gether to produce a similar production en- a tour as well as a web page at Weekly and the USA Today. was one built on oppression of minorities titled “Big Cahoonas.” Jack Spratt, local www.cahoonas.com. Local production is –Michael Rugnetta, Engineering Senior into feeding big business. I am the relative Lodge co-chairperson, bartender, and the planned for “D-day,” the opening of deer of Czechoslovakian immigrants. When my production’s director commented, “Men season, at Bernie’s Pub on old US14 just Mr. Rugnetta, great-grandparents came to America over like to talk about the size of their penises, north of the shooting range. In addition I was as disheartened as you upon open- 100 years ago, they worked in the Sweat- particularly after they have been drinking to deer, the “D” in D-day also refers to ing that copy of the Review, and seeing drug shops of the iron mills and textile plants on hunting trips.” “ducks, dicks, and dames,” Bud added. legalization forms fall out from within. Alas, because those were the only jobs that they The production will involve a series Although admission is free, there is a two- while our editorial board neither endorses nor could get. Slaving away in dangerous en- of monologues. One monologue involves drink minimum at Bernie’s. Donations will opposes the PRA 2000 campaign to legalize vironments for meager wages was better an inebriated male, dressed in duck hunt- be taken at the door for Wild Prey Unlim- marijuana, the editors have no say over the than starving to death on the street. This ing attire sitting in a large lounge chair dis- ited and to help repair the transmission in ads our business staff chooses to run. ‘oppression’ occurred with Irish-Americans, cussing the need for the instant replay as Jack’s International pickup. I have learned to live with it, as we must German-Americans, and many other eth- well as the barrel length and proper care of –Jonathon Brenner keep the paper funded somehow — be it with nic groups. And now look, 120 years later, his “12-gage automatic.” Another includes

sweatshop merchandise, it does offer in- This latest strike was part of SOLE’s onto the WRC, the group gained national WRC formation and urges compliance. ongoing effort to pressure the University media coverage with their takeover of Presi- Continued from Page 1 Ninety minutes into the occupation, not to license merchandise made by sweat- dent Bollinger’s office. After negotiations, President Bollinger visited the office on the shop labor. In Feb. ‘99, SOLE after a failed SOLE agreed to give the U-M six months, (USAS), the national group that oversees request of Dean Neuman. According to attempt to pressure the University to sign which expired Feb. 2. MR SOLE and other campus workers’ rights SOLE members, President Bollinger said groups around the country. It calls for a during the meeting that WRC member- rigorous monitoring system for the pro- ship was “off the table.” But after discus- duction of all university-licensed merchan- sion, members say, he agreed to consider a dise. The WRC is to be facilitated by a provisional membership. board of elected officials from all vested President Bollinger returned to the interests, including USAS members, Uni- office Thursday to once again meet with versity administrators, and labor officials. the students to discuss options for a provi- The WRC’s current signers include Brown sional membership in the WRC. SOLE at- University, Loyola University New Or- tended the General Council’s meeting, as leans, Haverford College, Bard College, well as a Regents’ meeting to address the and Oberlin College, as well as the most WRC. recent signers — the University of Wis- On Friday, Bollinger called the occu- consin, Indiana University, and the Uni- pied Neuman office and announced that versity of Michigan. he had signed onto the WRC as a full mem- The WRC goes a step beyond the ber; not a provisional member as he had much-criticized Fair Labor Association indicated earlier. This success in hand, the (FLA), the White House’s response to SOLE occupation group left the LSA sweatshops. Although the WRC does not building and held a news conference to mandate that Universities comply in re- announce their victory. stricting the licensing of any potential Page 4 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — FROM SUITE ONE February 23, 2000

❑ FROM SUITE ONE Opening the Floodgates... Bollinger Should Not Have Given in to SOLE

FTER SEVERAL DAYS of SOLE-directed protests, including the seizure of the LSA Dean’s Office, University President Lee Bollinger caved on the organization’s Aprinciple demand: that the U-M affiliate itself with the Worker’s Rights Consortium (WRC). The WRC, as designed by the SOLE-affiliated United Students Against Sweatshops (USAS) movement, would closely monitor foreign textile factories making U-M apparel for poor working conditions and failure to pay employees a so-called “living wage.” While the numerous arguments against WRC membership have appeared in these pages before, most recently in a Guest Viewpoint by Rackham student Charles Goodman, they bear repeating. The WRC, unlike the White House sponsored Fair Labor Association (FLA), is committed to extremism. In total, USAS will appoint 75 percent of its governing board, giving a small minority of American college students tremendous power to determine oversees labor practices. Even worse, the WRC commits itself to the implementation of a high “living wage” that could potentially throw tens of thousands of developing world laborers out of work. In the name of workers’ rights, it would likely lead to the termination Farrakhan may have his guys in the bowties, but Sharpton’s got General Chang! of workers’ jobs.

President Bollinger has violated a cardinal Dealing With Terrorists II rule of international dispute resolution: The SCC must respect others’ property rights do not give in to the demands of terrorists. T IS EASY to see why the Students of Color Coalition (SCC) has no respect for By caving here, Bollinger has established Michigamua. For almost ninety years, the secret society had been using Native a dangerous precedent. IAmerican style rituals and customs in its everyday activities, giving its members offensive nicknames like “Great Scalper,” and basically ignoring Native American students’ requests that these practices stop. Not until the dawn of the “Politically Correct Era,” and Still, our concern with Pres. Bollinger’s latest flip-flop is even more severe than the a 1989 contract to which members of the society agreed, did Michigamua promise to negative impact the WRC will have on developing countries. Specifically, by acceding to cease all references to Native American culture. the ultimatums of a small number of protestors, Bollinger has violated a cardinal rule of The contract itself was very informal in nature, and made many errors that any first- international dispute resolution: do not negotiate, and certainly do not give in to the year law student would see. Among them: demands of terrorists. By caving here, Bollinger has established a dangerous precedent A) It specified no time frame by which Michigamua must comply; that will likely encourage future campus disturbances. B) It listed no repercussions should the group fail to fully remove every reference to After all, Bollinger clearly did not switch sides out of a genuine change in personal Native American culture; convictions. The U-M had over a year to study the WRC briefing materials, a meager C) It failed to explicitly define vague terms such as “pseudo-culture.” Without a clear eleven page document. Surely if the University concluded that the WRC is a sensible definition, how would Michigamua members know what they had to remove? organization with reasonable, positive objectives it would have signed the WRC months In any case, the SCC has been citing that contract from the start, claiming that since ago. Instead it waited, and stalled – until presented with SOLE’s ultimatum. Then, poof: Michigamua didn’t fulfill their agreement, they should be kicked out of their space in the a few days of protests, an office occupation and tah-dah, a signed WRC. The thought Union, disassociated from the U-M, and publicly flogged on the Diag. that the U-M allowed perhaps 100 protestors out of an academic community approaching Or something like that. 40,000 to redirect its policy is shocking in itself. Did Michigamua fulfill the terms of the contract? The answer to that question is Even more disturbing is its seeming justification of an action the University absolutely unimportant. The true concern: does Michigamua have a right to that room in the Union? must condemn: the seizure of the Dean’s Office. Does the University really want to let At the moment, yes. In the early 40s, Michigamua made a deal with the University: every crazy activist know that all they have to do to get what they want is take control of the group would renovate the Tower, and in return the University would give them that buildings? Unsatisfied with dorm food? No problem! Just close down South Quad’s space, rent-free, indefinitely. That sixty years later, a few disgruntled students disagree cafeteria. Want to increase minority enrollment? Simple! Get two dozen friends together with the group’s practices, is of no consequence. and hold the Admissions Office hostage. Who cares about thoughtful decision making Had Michigamua shown some guts when thugs disregarded their property rights, when we can just let the violent minority (that’s intellectual minority) determine official this 2+ week occupation, which the national media have jumped on, might have been no University policy? more than a split-second blip on Al Sharpton’s radar screen. Had protesters stormed the We are particularly disturbed by the acquiescence of the Dean’s Office employee’s to Review office, DPS would be escorting them from the building within minutes – hopefully the initial occupation. Apparently, a group of SOLE protestors simply walked into the in handcuffs! But instead of exercising their property rights, and utilizing the campus office – unarmed and without making any threats – and simply asked the workers to police – which they very well could have – Michigamua tried to negotiate, to strike a leave. After about a half-hour of squabbling, the disgruntled U-M staffers just agreed and compromise with the SCC. And once student activists have been guaranteed a peaceful walked out. Why, we wonder, was DPS not called in to prevent the seizure? Why did U- sit-in with no possibility of being displaced by police, why on earth would they M employees allow a small group of rabble-rousers to chase them from their desks? compromise? In the future, Bollinger would be well-served to follow the University of Wisconsin’s The University is able to reallocate Michigamua’s office space for whatever purpose lead, whose president, in the face of a similar office takeover last week, demanded the they deem fit – from storage facility to (gag) yet another cultural lounge (or as we like to students leave immediately – not in a personal meeting with them, nor in a phone call, call them, “segregation zones”). Whether they do or not is up to administrators. But but in a “We Will Not Negotiate With Terrorists” style statement. When the students without a doubt, President Bollinger – our resident First Amendment expert – should at refused to leave, police with teargas were called in, forcibly removing the occupiers and least stand up for the rights of Michigamua, a group that has broken no rules, and has the arresting over forty of them. That’s the kind of strong leadership and ability to take right to freedom of expression. There comes a time when continued negotiation will get control that the U-M needs. MR you nowhere, and Bollinger’s relative complacence – his desire to just sit back and let the students argue amongst themselves – is really starting to get on our nerves. MR February February 23, 23, 2000 2000 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — CAMPUS AFFAIRS Page 57 SHARPTON

Continued From Page 1

U-M heavyweights, has retained Native American symbols in the trappings of its club’s ceremonies and offices. Shartpon decided to lend his help in response to an SCC request to Sharpton’s National Action Network (NAN) based in New York City. Sharpton sent Tiahmo Rauf, his Midwest regional director to in- vestigate the situation. After a visit on Mon- day, Rauf decided that the SCC occupa- tion of Michigamua offices warranted a visit by the Reverend. Much to the chagrin of students try- ing to concentrate in the Union’s study Review rooms, the SCC organized a rally in the lobby prior to Sharpton’s arrival. Complete with a speaker system and a group of Na- J. Wilson / tive American drummers, SCC member Joe Rev. Sharpton with his Entourage, which seems to include a Klingon General... (see page 4) Reilly led the ceremony, which honored the contributions of American Indians to the cupation. Following that, the rally became SCC Michigamua effort and to the stu- what ‘Great Scalper’ means. That is not an University. intellectual. That is a lyncher.” During the rally, the Native American subdued as Sharpton met with SCC lead- dent occupiers. Sharpton said he believes in freedom Students Association presented its list of ers in the seventh-floor Michigamua of- “Just last month,” Sharpton said, “this of speech, but not when it is supported by demands. They include various apologies fice. university joined the country in celebrat- the federal, state, or local system. “You can from Michigamua; abandonment of the After meeting with the occupiers and ing Martin Luther King’s birthday. These the press, Sharpton gave a speech in the kids are doing what Martin Luther King call me a nigger, but you can’t expect me society’s offices; a severance of all privileges; to pay for it,” he said. and a clause that states administrators will Anderson Room to a capacity crowd. taught. How do you honor King in Janu- At the same time, he also asserted that not be inducted as honorary members, in He praised the students willingness to ary and ignore King’s tactics by these stu- a fine line exists in the concept of free order to eliminate any possible conflict of stand up for an issue, saying that they were dents in February? That is academic schizo- speech. “There is a big difference,” he said, interest. acting in the true spirit of Martin Luther phrenia.” “between me saying that I disagree with In the warm-up to Sharpton’s appear- King Jr., putting themselves – and, for Sharpton said NAN will be a source you for being conservative, if you are, and ance, Levi Rickert, director of the North some of them, their prospects of graduat- of ongoing support for the SCC students. me saying I want to take your head be- American Indian Center of Grand Rapids, ing – in jeopardy. He said he believes King “I’m not here to speak to the administra- cause you are white and I want a room to told the crowd that “Non-Indians do not was “not a non-threatening poet sitting on tion,” he said. “I hope the students can talk do that. get it. … Some people are willingly igno- a mountainside dreaming. He was an ac- to them and solve this in a manner that is “There is a big difference.” MR rant.” Rickert said he believes anyone who tivist.” respectful and that is fair. Hopefully they is not a Native American cannot understand King had more than just a dream, said can take care of this on campus. If they the gravity of the use of cultural icons as Sharpton. It is, instead, he said, a contin- cannot, then those of us off-campus will Michigamua has used them, and called for ued fight. He added that Martin Luther get involved.” an end to Michigamua. King dreamed of a time when everyone He added that he will contact Jesse “We have got to get the word out,” was peaceful, but not quiet. And he com- Jackson and Martin Luther King III in or- Rickert said. “We will not tolerate people mended these students for being peaceful, der to ask for their support, and probably playing Indian anymore.” but not quiet. come back to campus in the near future. After Rickert spoke, Reilly opened the He said he believes too many students Days before his arrival, Sharpton was microphone to attendees. Many members come to college and just learn, remarking quoted in press stories saying he’d bring of the occupation group spoke, as did many that this is the equivalent of “intellectual news crews from CNN, ABC’s 20/20 and community residents who support the oc- masturbation.” He urged all campus sub- Dateline NBC with him. None came along, sidiary groups to give their support to the but Sharpton said, “When we come back we’ll bring all of them.” The University has characterized the Michigamua issue as one rooted in free- dom of speech. The University claims to endorse a marketplace of ideas, in which no speech is discriminated against, or spe- cifically endorsed. Sharpton answered this stance by comparing it to bus discrimina- tion, prior to the Civil Rights movement. “We’re not talking about ideas,” Sharpton said, “we’re talking about racism.

The university would not finance a stu- J. Wilson / Review dent having a room that would have a fur- Member of the Brown Berets, a nace celebrating Nazi concentration camps. They would not have that. [The plaque of millitant political ‘reeducation’ the “Great Scalper Yost” (see Page 8)] rep- group which provided security at resents that for Native Americans. You are the rally. You know they mean business when they break out the J. Wilson / Review not talking about an idea; you are talking Sharpton shares a laugh with his pal, perhaps over the pogrom he incited in about people who would take peoples’ colored berets. Crown Heights, NY, leading to the death of Yankel Rosenbaum. heads, because of who they are. That is Page 6 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — CAMPUS AFFAIRS February 23, 2000

❑ A CHINK IN THE ARMOR Embrace the American Melting Pot

EY, HOW’S IT going? Let me The melting pot is an institution that guess what’s going on in your is almost uniquely American. All around Hmind right now as you read this. the world, there are people who want to A moment ago, as you looked at the title break away from this or that because they of this column, you might have been hor- think they’re different. Many times, their rified at the flagrant efforts end in violence, like use of the word in Chechnya, East Timor, “chink.” Then, you or Northern Ireland. And saw the picture, in other instances, you’ve chuckled, and won- got various groups trying to dered how you separate through peaceful could’ve ever been so means, like in Quebec or uptight and politically Scotland. You simply don’t correct. Or, if you’re see this in the United still horrified, you States. Why? Because we, should probably flip to the American people, see page 10 and read ourselves as Americans about hacking and va- above all else, as we should ginas instead, because – or at least we used to. you’re probably not Everyone talks about going to enjoy what James “Funky living in a colorblind soci- you’re going to read ety, where what race you are ahead. Chinaman” Yeh doesn’t matter anymore. Matt, our es- Heck, I’m all for that, and teemed editor, back from his sabbatical in I’m sure most of my colleagues would Thousands of huddled masses yearning to be assimilated into the the land of Recovery from Major Surgery, agree. So why do people still make a big American collective. Resistence was futile! originally didn’t want me to use this title. deal about it? He thought that it might offended some I’m originally from the Republic of but that’s it. The point of the melting pot I’ve got problems with grades, I don’t get people, and he knew he’d be the one to China. I was originally a citizen there, but is to join the collective American culture, enough sleep, and I think gas is way too catch flak for it. I know this won’t be the now I’m an American citizen. Most, if not to bring a part of yourself and your culture expensive. Are these problems unique to a last time I say this, but let me say it now: all people would describe me as “Chinese.” in with you, but also to leave part of it be- certain race or ethnicity? Heck no. I don’t if you have a problem with the name of Yeah, I suppose they’re right, but only in hind. And that’s what makes America what feel the need to gravitate toward people that my column, email me or Review. Don’t the biological sense. Sure, I’m statistically we are today. Why does practically every- look like me. I don’t think I worship God hunt down Matt and castrate him, because less susceptible to certain diseases than one celebrate St. Patrick’s day? Well, to col- any better with people that look like me you know, he hates that. Caucasians (so I’m proud to say I’ve never lege kids, it’s probably just an official ex- rather than with people that don’t. Prob- I used to think for a long time about had a doctor’s finger up my ass), I’m less cuse to get plastered, but why do little kids lems are problems, worship is worship. how I could justify the title. I would spend able to perform certain high-G maneuvers make shamrocks out of construction pa- Does it make a difference who I’m wor- the time I was sitting on the bus or in the in aircraft before passing out, and if I ever per in school? Why do people still celebrate shipping God with, as long as they’re of the shower thinking about what the title could have a kid with a “Chinese” chick (some- Halloween, a pagan holiday? Valentine’s same religion? No, of course not. Just three signify. I knew I wanted to use it, because thing I just can’t imagine myself doing….), day is surely a commercial holiday today, years ago, my church back home changed I thought it was pretty damn funny, but I our kid would probably look like a mil- but it’s also the feast day for St. Valentine, its name from Rutgers Community Chi- wanted it to have a deeper meaning. Plus, lion other “Chinese” babies. But only in a Catholic saint. Everywhere we turn there nese Church to Rutgers Community Chris- I wanted to have a reason to use it for those the biological sense. Culturally, I’m a prod- is evidence of the melting pot. We’ve got tian Church. Why the change? Because they of you with no sense of humor at all. Fi- uct of the melting pot. Taco Bells, pizza joints and bagel shops all didn’t want to continue with the self-im- over the place in America, not just Ann posed segregation. The church leaders be- Arbor. Do only Mexicans, Italians and Jews lieved that it was the will of God to spread History has proven what Americans can do if frequent those respectively places? Of the Gospel to all people, of all colors, not course not. And surely no one would label just to people of a certain race or ethnicity. we stick together. Together, the American tacos, pizza and bagels “ethnic” foods. (well, Why can’t we all see that? maybe tacos, but give it a few years and History has proven what Americans melting pot could face down any hardship that you’ll see.) can do if we stick together. Together, the we’re faced with. We stuck together as one Why do people of different ethnicities American melting pot could face down any voluntarily segregate themselves in the caf- hardship that we’re faced with. We stuck people during the Depression and stuck eterias? Why are there so many [insert na- together as one people during the Depres- tionality]-American groups out there? Be- sion and stuck together as we toppled fas- together as we toppled fascism. cause people think they’re different from cism. A former instructor of mine from my each other. They are victims of this plague days in NROTC said that he didn’t care called multiculturalism. They’re repeatedly what color the men under his command nally, I found it. I’m a chink in the armor But what exactly does that mean? No, told that they’re different. Why is it that were, as long as they bled Navy blue and of multiculturalism. I’m a proud member that does not mean I’m white. Being I’m never been in an all-Asian club? (No, gold. Well, I don’t care what color people of the American melting pot. Some have American doesn’t automatically mean my high school orchestra does not count, are, as long as they bleed red, white and called for the end of this melting pot, but you’re white. I haven’t forgotten who I am although it was close.) Because I don’t think blue. And as long as we do, as long as we I think the melting pot is America, that it and where I come from, I just don’t make I’m different. I’m like everyone else. The think of ourselves as Americans, then please keeps us together as Americans; a big deal out of it. Sure, I celebrate Chi- people that I hang out with don’t think I’m feel free to sit down and eat with me multiculturalism, however, is a horrible, nese New Year when I can and eat moon different either. Well, some might, but not anytime. MR horrible thing. cakes and whatnot during the right times, because of my race or cultural background. February 23, 2000 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — COLUMNS Page 7

❑ THE ROAD FROM SERFDOM An Ode to Baseball The Lord’s Pastime

HE MOST COMMON English second baseman inside. And, once the .320, and which will be wash- translation of the Bible begins with Dodgers broke baseball’s racial cartel, the ing cars by August. Like life, Tthe phrase, “In the beginning...”, color-barrier collapsed. Without any affir- some triumphs emerge as sur- or by adding one space and swapping a mative action or government quotas, teams prises, seemingly out of no- letter, “In the big inning...” To some, this realized they could not compete while where (Paul Byrd an All-Star?), amounts to but a mi- maintaining irrational prejudices. other “sure things” collapse nor curiosity. To Baseball symbolizes America in yet an- (Dwight Gooden in the early most, not even that. other way: its constant reinvigoration by 1990s). By September the But to me, it repre- new blood, new citizens. To me, it stands leaves are brown and the sea- sents an indisputable out in beautiful, perfect irony that son nears its end. Its hairs are fact: baseball is the America’s pastime is being saved by the graying, its body quickly wrin- sport the Lord in- very people that nationalist yahoos from kling. In the end, as Koheleth tended for the En- Pat Buchanan to the AFL-CIO complain teaches, “the same fate over- glish-speaking about: new immigrants from Asia and takes both the wise man and peoples, along with Latin America. For, sadly, elder Americans the fool.” (Ecclesiastes 2:14). In everybody else. So, in Jacob F.M. have lost their way, and no longer hold a the cold, quiet grave of mid- honor of Spring Oslick passion for the game. Being comfortable November both the champion Training, the Genesis on our shores for several generations, and and the cellar-dweller cease to of a new season, I de- obsessed with a desire for immediate grati- exist. True, their friends and mur from my usual liberal-bashing and in- fication, they lack the patience to appreci- fans can look back and admire stead present you with this loving ode to ate baseball. Instead, they flock en masse the season—a player, a team, a baseball. For baseball symbolizes both ev- to the faster and stupider games like bas- singular accomplishment. But erything great about the United States, and ketball and football. But go to Mexico, or the season itself is a fait accom- with life itself. Cuba, or the Dominican Republic. There, pli, unchangeable, unable to be Baseball is, after all, the most individu- a genuine thirst for the game thrives. As brought back to life. alistic of the major team sports. Unlike so- new Americans, Latin immigrants quickly For life itself is like a single cialist football, where the entire offensive become not only the game’s greatest play- inning of a baseball game. Each line must work collectively for the team to ers, but also its most devoted fans. Just as successive one is totally unpre- dictable and can turn a game on its head. I recall a few years back when my Philadelphia It stands out in beautiful, perfect irony that Phillies scored 10 runs in the ninth inning to win 11-10. Sure, that event baseball’s clock of outs, frozen during suc- America’s pastime is being saved by the very is baseball’s equivalent to winning the lot- cess, speeding towards the end in failure. people that nationalist yahoos from Pat tery, but, in life, people do win lotteries. And if baseball is indeed but one inning of Their lives can change in a literal instant a baseball game, may we live in a “big in- Buchanan to the AFL-CIO complain about: — a phone call, a marriage proposal, a let- ning” so that are lives are strong and new immigrants from Asia and Latin America ter. Life itself seems to function like blessed. MR score, baseball consists mostly of a series America has grown, and prospered, and of one on one match-ups. Pitcher vs. bat- changed with each new wave of newcom- ter. Catcher vs. base-stealer. Centerfielder ers, so to baseball, whose salvation rests in vs. the sun’s glare. Like capitalism, it is a those still yearning to breathe free. sport where nearly anyone can succeed. But baseball represents more than just One need not stand 7 feet tall, run light- America, it represents life itself. Its season ening-fast or bench-press 300 pounds to starts in early spring, the time when, as play baseball. But one must work hard, the Song of Songs declares, “for lo, the develop superior hand-eye coordination, Winter is past, the rains have come and and master the game’s fundamentals. Thus, gone, the flowers have appeared in the the majors this decade have accommodated earth seen in the land, the time of the birds a diverse variety of physical types, from singing has come and the voice of the Ken Griffey Jr. to John Kruk. turtle-dove is heard in the land” (2:11-13). Baseball also represents a world where Life, in short, begins anew. As the season bigotry ended through competition, not ages, the flowers bloom, and the trees give preferences. The Commissioner did not up their fruit. Some of Spring Training’s need to give Jackie Robinson 20 points ex- early childhood dreams turn into reality; tra on his batting average for the Dodgers others fail to live up to expectations. In to sign him. Instead, the Dodgers merely March even the greatest scout cannot tell Baseball is America. And in America, we have plenty of assholes. looked beneath the skin, to see the superb which scrawny rookie will go on to hit But without those foreigners, this asshole might be out of a job. Page 8 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — CAMPUS AFFAIRS February 23, 2000

graduate student in the School of Social Angell and Coach MICHIGAMUA Work, says that the Native American com- Fielding Yost. Mem- munity has been dealing with bers had been meeting Continued from Page 1 Michigamua’s insensitivity for thirty years, elsewhere in the and claims that members of Michigamua Union, and when the “Native American pseudo-culture” and have no intention of respecting the SCC’s group saw that the parodies, such as imitation headdresses and wishes. “Michigamua’s standard response Tower area was no figurines. is, ‘It’s time for dialogue,’” says Bernal. longer being used, Of the Administration, the SCC de- “That’s not an acceptable answer any- Yost suggested to mands that they remove the three organi- more.” Union directors that zations from the Tower, convert the empty Although each side shakes its head at Michigamua remove space into a “cultural lounge,” and de-rec- one another, both groups want to end this the water tower and ognize Michigamua as an official student episode. Here, the SCC seems unwilling construct meeting group. to compromise, intending to remain holed rooms in its place. The “We understand why they’re of- up in the Tower until Michigamua and the Union directors fended,” Michigamua spokesman Nick University accede to every single one of agreed, and rented the Delgado says of the SCC. “We understand their demands. But because Michigamua rooms to Michigamua the real issue that is at hand: resolving the refuses to give up the meeting space they’ve and the Vulcan Dru- pain that has been caused to the Native been using for decades, an easy solution ids (another secret so- American commu- seems out of reach. ciety, soon to be nity.” And members of known as a Tower So- Michigamua have, on Facing pressure A Lifetime in the ciety), beginning in many occasions, stated Tow er the academic year of from all sides, the Review their intentions of re- 1931-32. The U-M moving ever ything Administration is Seventy years Union Finance Com- from their meeting ago, everyone knew mittee minutes of M. Schwartz / space that the SCC doing what it does what took up the May 9, 1932, further Michigamua says they could not remove this deems offensive, and best: nothing. space at the top of the state that if prominently displayed plaque honoring co-founder voiced their desire to Union: a water tower, Michigamua finished Fielding Yost, as it is bolted to the wall. have an open dialogue. which provided clean construction on the “We have committed to completely abol- water to the campus. But as water and room, and furnished it at its own expense President for Student Affairs Royster ish anything the Native American commu- sewer systems improved to the point where before July 1, 1940, then “from that time Harper passed the ball to the Michigan nity finds offensive,” Delgado says with a a water tower was no longer necessary, that on, it shall be given the room free of rent.” Student Assembly (MSA) in a Feb. 13 certain charm about him. Hearing him space became vacant. Michigamua finished renovations statement. “Michigamua’s affiliation with speak, one can not help but believe that At this time, Michigamua – then a within a year, and for almost 70 years, the University of Michigan as a student the members of Michigamua truly want group shrouded in secrecy and blatantly members have conducted business in that organization derives from [MSA] to change. using Native American-style rituals – had room on the seventh floor of the Union, recognition,” she said. “The decision Yet, the SCC just doesn’t believe them. been around for approximately 30 years, an old water tower converted into a sacred whether or not to sever the student SCC member Diego Bernal, a first year having been founded in 1901 by President meeting place. But it isn’t simply a normal organization affiliation is a discussion that room; architects designed the room to re- should appropriately take place within semble the traditional living quarters of MSA.” Native American families, labeling This put MSA in a bit of a bind. Were “Wigwam” on the blueprints. Mock birch Michigamua a normal student group, MSA bark lines the walls of the room; a moose could reallocate its office space rather head is mounted on one side of the room handily. But MSA’s jurisdiction only and antlers on the other; an ominous wolf reaches to the fourth floor of the Michigan stares down from a ceiling mural, and a Union. “We don’t have any capability of stuffed owl swoops overhead. doing anything with the seventh floor,” Michigamua has no intentions of leav- MSA veep Andy Coulouris said to the ing its home in the Tower. “The space ob- Michigan Daily. “The University may or viously is very valuable to us,” says may not. But we definitely don’t.” Delgado. “We have many memories in that Additionally, MSA reps have no space.” intention of severing ties with the group, But the SCC believes it should be a for Michigamua has not broken any rules. public space. “This is a public institution, And as any MSA member, or even M. Schwartz / Review and the Union is a public area,” says Bernal. President Bollinger will make clear, a group A stuffed owl hangs from the ceiling of the tower office. This, claims SCC, violates The minutes from that fateful 1932 should not be punished because it holds the contract Michigamua signed in ‘89, promising to remove any references to Native meeting are clear: Michigamua would pos- unpopular views. “We will not recognize American culture. But, says Michigamua spokesman Nick Delgado, “There are some sess the room “from that time on.” No or de-recognize student organizations based members that don’t know the owl is [an Indian] symbol of death.” ending date was specified. Yet, despite this upon their viewpoints,” Bollinger said at a That’s why dialogue is important, he says – to find out what exactly the SCC finds informal arrangement, Michigamua and Feb. 15 meeting of the Senate Advisory offensive. “At no point has any member of Michigamua had malicious intent to hurt the University never signed a contract. Committee for University Affairs. “It is our the Native american community,” says Delgado. “Ever.” Thus, technically, the Administration can belief as an academic institution that Delgado realizes that some symbols – such as the owl – are not exclusively Native do whatever it wants with the space. student organizations should not turn on American symbols, and Michigamua could probably be more resistant. As a Chicano, offensive viewpoints of student he cites an analagous situation: suppose Michigamua used a flame on their table during Why Do Something organizations – it is a principle of the U.S. meetings, and someone from the Chicano community complained that to him, flames When You Can Do Nothing? Constitution.” are representative of “the fire in my heart.” Would Michigamua members cease using it After a five and a half hour meeting in ceremonies? According to Delgado, that would be going “too far.” Facing pressure from all sides, the on Feb. 15 – 10 days into the occupation – But there has been a history of tension between Michigamua and the Native Administration is doing what it does best: MSA representatives passed a resolution in American community on campus, and as such, says Delgado, “We have committed to nothing. In a classic example of how not favor of delegating control of the Union completely abolish anything the Native American community finds offensive.” to take control of a situation, Interim Vice Tower to the University’s Office Space February 23, 2000 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — CAMPUS AFFAIRS Page 9

Allocations Committee, thereby passing the ball back to the Administration. Faced with essentially a collective Leaders and Best? reassurance from MSA that the Administration was fit to decide Michigamua’s fate, the administrators What Makes Michigamua Members Better Than You or Me continued to stall, apparently preferring increasing public frustration to anger with BY MICHAEL AUSTI N tivities outside of their sport. There is little any decision they might make. evidence as to why athletes are such good Why wouldn’t the Administration take NTIL THE TAKEOVER, leaders on a campus-wide level, that they a stand? Obviously, this was a very delicate regular meetings were held in the should comprise half of Michigamua. situation, and the feelings of members in U now infamous office space on the Furthermore, the devotion athletes each group were at stake. However, the seventh floor of the Union Tower, where have to the University can even be ques- Administration was most likely concerned the chosen few would sit and do whatever tioned. As seniors, they are all probably not as much with bruised feelings, as with it is they do. Since the campus has been very committed to representing the Maize the possible ramifications of such bruises. made aware of this secret society, the and Blue the best way they can. However, question lingers: who is this group of two anyone skilled enough to play on a colle- Money vs. Media Coverage dozen seniors, chosen as best leaders on giate level is also dedicated to their sport. campus? And what do they do as members It is unlikely that their addition to the well- It is no secret that some of the most of Michigamua? being of campus was a major consideration influential, powerful, and notable What Michigamua actually does is in attending Michigan. If any of them had graduates of the U-M are alumni of somewhat vague. “I can’t point to a par- ended up playing at another school, they Michigamua. Since many of these ‘Gamua- ticular program” and say that this is some- would be working just as hard and prob- grads are big donors, it is easy to see why thing we’ve done, says Michigamua spokes- ably performing just as well. Administrators would hesitate to stand up man Nick Delgado. Members say that the Much like the athletes, the non-ath- to Michigamua’s allegedly racist ways – group isn’t secret, just humble. “If we did Review lete members of Michigamua have both angry alum are notoriously stingy with point to something concrete, there is a great obvious and less-obvious “leaders.” Every their pocketbooks. danger for misinterpretation for that. ... It’s member of Michigamua has leadership Of course, the SCC was holding the not about that,” says Delgado. And this M. Schwartz / experience in various student groups, but trump card, and its name was “media.” noble humility is one reason the campus A “Wolve” looks down upon his the issue who is the best comes into con- Should the University side with has no idea what they do. chosen few, from Michigamua’s ceiling sideration once again. Why was anyone in Michigamua, and forcibly remove the Additionally, Michigamua has no de- this year’s group chosen over someone else protesters from the premises (possible, finitive purpose other than to serve the uni- ball), Jason Kapsner (Football), and Matt when there must be an abundance of over- although highly unlikely), the SCC would versity community, a role that is constantly Michalski (Wrestling). Granted, being a qualified candidates on campus? call every media mogul in the book, and changing. The vision statement of student-athlete is very difficult due to a rig- Possibly the most notable of this year’s possibly cause a firestorm of criticism to Michigamua reads, “To be a source of lead- orous practice schedule in addition to nor- Michigamua members is MSA President descend upon the University and its ership and service in all aspects of life at mal schoolwork, but the greater benefit Bram Elias. Bram is also a former MSA administrators. the University of Michigan. To instill in they give to campus remains questionable. Treasurer, and helped get the Student Little did they know, the media were the membership a lifelong commitment to The inclusion of so many athletes seems to Coursepack Service started. Nick Delgado, already on their way. Within days of the Michigan and Michigamua. To develop compromise Michigamua’s goal of being a who has performed admirably in the last start of the takeover, local newspapers and lasting friendships and enduring memories source of leadership in all aspects of life at television stations were covering the among a diverse group of leaders who oth- the University. Furthermore, most of the See LEADERS, Page 11 protest, and shining a negative spotlight erwise may not have known each other.” athletes on Michigamua have no major ac- on the University. That spotlight became The 24 current members of infinitely brighter once the New York Times Michigamua are truly a diverse group, rep- started calling, and wrote in their Feb. 13 resenting a number of ethnic groups and How to Get Into Michigamua issue that “a debate that somewhat mirrors students from all walks of campus life. Each the nation’s struggle to come to terms with is no doubt a fine leader, but what makes A By-the-Numbers Approach to Getting to the Top of the Tower its history of racism” was taking place at these 24 individuals the best leaders on the U-M. The Associated Press picked up campus? Clearly, many aspects of leader- So you’ve been keeping up on all the in the Daily, but don’t say anything about your personal accomplishments. the story, and soon the infamous Reverend ship go far beyond the achievements one recent news regarding Michigamua and Al Sharpton decided to lend his support lists on a resume. Leadership can be some- you’re more than intrigued. In fact you Instead focus on what a benefit to the to the SCC cause (see Page 1). what intangible, and since no one can want to be a “Fighting Wolf” yourself. community whatever you’re doing is, or As the Review goes to press, nothing clearly elucidate what exactly makes a From a strictly statistical standpoint, here’s how there’s been such a positive re- has been resolved. While Michigamua leader, Michigamua is somewhat peculiar how. Keep in mind that numbers aren’t sponse. And speaking of the Daily, don’t forget that they love anything to do with agreed to three of eight SCC demands in a in how they have defined leadership in the the whole story, but any way of increasing Feb. 21 meeting – formally apologizing to class of 2000. your chances should help. multiculturalism, so join as many eth- the Indian community; scrutinizing the use For instance, 12 of the 24 Michigamua First of all, the best way to get in is to nic student groups as you can fit on your of its name and its members’ nicknames; members are athletes. Athletics are a large be an athlete. Failing that, join the Dance resume. The same thing goes for any and removing all items related to Indian part of Michigamua’s history, with notable Marathon, since an overwhelming major- trendy political causes like sweatshop labor. Any student groups that uses the culture – they had always agreed to those alumni like Red Berenson, Fielding Yost, ity of the non-athletes are actively involved points. What the SCC wants most – for and Bo Schembechler. The current class in it. If you’re a man, be sure to schmooze phrases like “encourage diversity” or the group to leave its office, and disassociate carries on the tradition with athletes from with Bryan, Doug, Nick, and Rishi when “solve [insert issue here] problem across from the U-M – is something that assorted sports who are captains or top per- you join the White Ribbon Campaign. campus” are the ones you want to join. Michigamua will not agree to any time formers on their team like Bryce Ralston Joining the Greek system won’t hurt, nor The number one rule is, if it sounds important, it is important. How much soon. As such, it appears that the sit-in is (Baseball), Erica Widder (Field Hockey), will running for student government. destined to last much longer than anyone Jose Haro (Gymnastics), Kevin Magnuson Work on those grades too, so you can join impact you as an individual have isn’t involved had hoped. MR and Sean Peach (Ice Hockey), Scott Meyer an honor society like Golden Key or Mor- as important as your ability to bring and Shannon Shakespeare (Swimming), tar Board. Michigamua looks for humility together various campus groups while LSA junior Matthew Schwartz is Rob Renes (Football), and Steve Moffat in its members as well, but remember that watching the naked mile on the roof of the Union. MR editor-in-chief of the Review. You can e-mail (Track). What is odd is the inclusion of there’s a fine line between pride and arro- him at [email protected]. benchwarmers like Darius Taylor (Basket- gance. Make sure to get yourself quoted —Mike Austin Page 10 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — NATIONAL AFFAIRS, ARTS February 23, 2000 Hackers Stole This Headline

BY MATTHEW FRANCZAK a DoS attack is a relatively small amount attention. Like physical vandals, such in- would be especially attractive, since they of skill and motivation. dividuals are likely to take credit for their are connected to a backbone, one of the HE RECENT DENIAL-of-service What, then, is the motivation? The crimes, but only among a small group of points where all the traffic in a region is (DoS) attack on Yahoo, most recent DoS attacks did not involve friends, due to the illegality of their actions. transferred through onto the Internet. TAmazon.com, and eBay has many any hacking of the sites to leave a message, The second probable motivation is These backbones provide tremendous people wondering why and how these sites the most common reason that web sites ideological. Many crackers have strong, and amounts of bandwidth, making the U-M were taken down. These sites’ relative are attacked. Therefore, the motives of the frequently bizarre ideological beliefs. This an excellent staging point for a DoS attack. prominence has drawn more attention than cracker or crackers are still a mystery, al- attack could be a protest of the commer- It is nearly impossible to assess the previous DoS attacks, and has prompted though there cialization of vulnerability of a computer to being used many to question: just how vulnerable is are some lines the web, or the in a DoS attack since there are so many the world wide web to such actions? of speculation outdated secu- ways that the necessary access can be DoS attacks are actually quite simple that are more rity that the achieved. Software may have security flaws, in both theory and implementation. The probable than outdated gullible users may download a Trojan general principle is one of taking out a com- others. (Note: Internet Pro- Horse, and an insider might accidentally puter system by overtaxing its resources. “hacker” is a tocol (IP) sys- or intentionally give access to crackers. By simply sending many requests to a tar- neutral term tem uses. If the Often the manipulation of people plays as get computer, a system can be taken down. for an indi- media does large of a role in setting up a DoS attack as There are, of course, some obstacles vidual with not figure out technical expertise. In light of this, the best to DoS attacks. A single computer can only computer the correct protection against unwanted intrusions is generate so much traffic, and its IP address skills; “cracker” ideological a skilled system administrator. Computers can be easily traced and blocked, so it is is a negative reasoning be- cannot tell what the intention of a com- very difficult to launch a DoS attack alone. term that de- hind the at- mand is, only what it is telling them to do. To get around this, one must seize control notes an indi- tack, the A good system administration can tell of other, poorly secured computers and vidual who crackers may when “suspicious” traffic is occurring on implement them in the attack. Individual uses computers be tempted to the networks and react appropriately to users with high-bandwidth connections maliciously.) reveal the rea- stop it. The same principle is true on the and minimal security are the ideal pawns. First is the son for their receiving end of the attack, where a per- These supporting systems do not even have simple motivation of vandalism, which has attack, but otherwise are likely to remain ceptive administrator can catch the first to be broken into, since a cleverly disguised been the motive behind quite a few mali- silent. signs of an attack although they appear like Trojan Horse (a malicious program that is cious actions in the past. Some vandals Universities are frequently linked to legitimate traffic to the computer. Al- portrayed as useful software in order to get break mailboxes, some vandals write graf- hacking due to the large amount of band- though a good firewall and other security users to install it) can be spread to a suffi- fiti, and some vandals attack web sites. The width available through the networks. It software can help, a system is only as se- ciently large population to launch the at- motivations of electronic vandals do not has been reported that University of Cali- cure as its administrator is skilled. MR tack. Additionally, when an attack stems differ from commonplace vandals who fornia Santa Barbara and Stanford servers from many sources, it is difficult to find destroy and deface physical structures, and was used in the most recent DoS attack. Note: The Daily’s web site is served from its true origin. Thus, all it takes to launch may be as simple as boredom and wanting The University of Michigan’s computers www.pub.umich.edu... hint, hint... Vagina Monologues Quickly Loses Shock Value

BY J ACOB F.M. OSLICK setting foot inside the theater, I suspected explained the play’s objectives: to highlight After a while, all this talk of “Pussies Unite!” the play’s subject matter, a series of woman the physical and sexual problems of (yes, that was an actual quote) lost its shock OW DOES ONE DEFINE talking about their genitalia, would cause women, including abuse, and to sexually value and became mundane. In this great art? Must the piece contain me discomfort. Accordingly, I asked not a liberate woman to the point where they respect, the play reminded me of the first H intense meaning for you, the fair maiden to accompany me, but rather are comfortable with their vaginas. She pornographic movie I saw. At first, the viewer; or is it enough that it gains mass a fellow religious suggested, for scenes were admittedly titillating. Yet, after acceptance? My mother dislikes male, Review example, that while a few minutes I practically fell asleep: the Shakespeare. Does this mean that, for her, Publisher J.J. Wilson. After a while, all this men frequently endless repetition, sans character Shakespeare is not a great playwright? Why you ask, speak of sex, development or witty dialogue. Quite Flipping the coin, for years Baywatch was with such talk of “Pussies woman rarely frankly and unsurprisingly, I couldn’t the most popular television show on earth foreknowledge of my express pride in remotely relate to the characters or their – does that qualify it as great art? impending Unite!” (yes, that was their bodies and problems. From deep inside this mystery known uneasiness, did I sexual lives. Then, as I drifted in and out of as art appreciation comes a mysterious attend the Vagina an actual quote) lost The play then consciousness, I noticed the sparkling enigma: Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues, Monologues? The its shock value and progresses with a performance of Ms. Karen Soules. This performed thrice on campus Valentine’s answer is twofold. series of woman second-year bio-chem major, of all things, Day Weekend to standing-room-only First, my dearest became mundane. speaking of their turned in a truly memorable performance crowds. After much deliberation and cousin was one of the sexual dysfunctions as a dominatrix who wanted to give women consideration, I’ve concluded that I cannot actresses, and I so – some darkly “pleasure.” Once again, I could not even give this work a fair review. For, although wanted to see her perform on stage. humorous (a woman who “flooded” during distantly connect with the persona – I’m to me the play was a source of discomfort, Second, considering the play’s political intimacy, a woman who “impaled” herself neither into lesbianism or sadomasochism. for the majority of the audience it provoked themes and its tremendous success on on a bedpost, a woman who experienced Still, Ms. Soules had a certain energy about immense enjoyment and laughter. campus, it seemed worthy fodder for the orgasms while horseback riding, but not her, accentuated by her bright red-dyed I guess my problem with the play stems pages of the Review. during intercourse), others scary and sad hair and trampy-blue eye shadow. She at from the simple fact that I, a thankfully That said, on with my non-review. The (a Bosnian rape victim). virginal Traditional Jewish male, am not the play opened with Director Katie Williams But, as the play wore on, I experienced Continued on Next Page play’s target audience. Indeed, before even presenting Eve Ensler’s introduction. She an emotion I did not expect: boredom. February 23, 2000 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — FILLER Page 11 ❑STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE... El Señor Guípe’s Guide To Picking Up Chicks

Note: The Review is not responsible for any emotional scarring that occurs as a result of using the techniques listed below. You have been warned. not only able to get the phone number of a IGHT NOW, YOU may be pretty you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But El Unfortunately, not all of us are asser- girl, but of a hot girl! It’s only a matter of disgusted with me. I mean, think Señor Guípe, I can’t talk to girls. I’m scared! tive enough to use the direct approach. time before he has her wrapped around his Rabout it. You’ve been reading my They’ll probably just laugh at me and walk Luckily, there are alternative methods to little, uh, finger. column all semester, taking careful note of away, and then I’ll be the biggest dork in accomplish your goal. If you really want my advice, but class!” Trust me, you have nothing to worry to go out with a girl but you know there’s Method #3: Take Boring Classes alas, you still don’t about. You already are the biggest dork in no way in hell that she will agree to it, the have a girlfriend. class. best thing to do is to trick her into going As I’ve said before, the best way to pick Despite my tips Talking to girls is really not that diffi- out with you. This can be done using my up a girl is to start a conversation with her. on being “cool,” cult, and it can be done by using one of second method of picking up girls, which And what better way to do so than to put picking up girls three easy methods: I refer to as “beating around the bush.” A her in a situation where she is so bored she online, and find- friend of mine recently used this technique; would talk to almost anyone, even you! The ing fun new ways Method #1: The Direct Approach we’ll just call him “El Señor G.” Realizing obvious method behind such madness is to degrade midg- that a dreaded midterm was coming up to take a really boring class that has a high ets, you’ve some- If you’re the kind of person that likes soon, El Señor G immediately sensed the girl to guy ratio. Once again, take a seat how managed to to get right to the point, the direct ap- opportunity to use this situation to his next to the object of your desire and slyly screw things up El Señor proach may be for you. Simply walk into advantage. He cleverly sat next to a very observe her. When she looks like she’s about once again, leav- Guípe lecture, look around for the girl you’ve been attractive girl and began talking to her. The to die from boredom, it’s time to make your ing you with your incorporating into your vivid sexual fanta- conversation went something like this. move. Open your notebook to a clean sheet prestigious bach- sies all semester, and sit down next to her. of paper, draw a “Tic Tac Toe” board, and elor status. As a matter of fact, you’re prob- Stare at her until she is forced to look over G: “Gee, I’m really worried about this slide it over to your neighbor, giving her a ably beginning to doubt the abilities of El at you and make eye contact. At this point, midterm.” flirtatious wink along with it. If she grins Señor Guípe. So, in order to prove that I smile and say “Hi! My name is [insert name Random Girl: “Have you started and draws an “X” (or an “O,” if that’s her am, in fact, the “Mac Daddy” that I claim here] and I want to be your friend!” If she studying yet?” preference), she’s yours for the taking. If to be, I am prepared to give you, my loyal responds in a similar manner, she’s yours. G: “No, I haven’t. And the exam is in she snickers and calls you a dork, start whin- readers, some serious advice on how to find If she laughs uncontrollably and moves to two days! If only I had someone to study ing as loudly as possible until she apolo- that special someone (read: get laid). the other side of the auditorium, she is withA. But who? WHO?” gizes and agrees to make up for her rude- The first step to finding a girlfriend is subtly trying to send the message that she Random Girl: “Awww, I’ll study with ness by going out with you. It’s a win/win to actually (hold on to this one, folks) talk is not yours, which of course means you you. Here’s my number.” situation! to a girl! I know, who would have thought should respond by scowling every time you G: “Really? Wow. Thanks, I’ll be sure Well, there you have it, friends: prac- that such a technique would actually work? see her for the rest of your life. to call you.” tical, real world lessons on how to pick up But believe it or not, conversing with mem- Random Girl: “Yep. See ya later.” girls, lessons that will get results! And if all bers of the opposite sex is the most effec- Method #2: Beating Around the (walking out of the room) else fails, cheer up, there’s always Deja Vu. tive way of eventually letting her know that Bush (no pun intended) G: “SCORE!!!!!!!” Remember, fifteen dollars, topless; twenty, you want her body. Now I know what As you can see, the good Senor was nude. MR least kept me conscious enough to enjoy the play’s final act, in which my cousin LEADERS “There’s another tier for those people that performed. Continued from Page 9 Still, one great performance doth not are truly committed to Michigan.” a great play, to me, make. Too often the few weeks as Michigamua’s external rela- –Michigamua spokesman Nick Delgado play seemed to lose any semblance of tions contact, is active in the Latino/a com- meaning and devolve into silly shock- munity. There also are a number of Presi- That decision is up to the previous With the University’s growing size, inducing skits: what a vagina would say or dents and Directors of various organiza- Michigamua class. Each member nomi- Michigamua’s importance seems to be what clothing it would wear. The audience tions: Cindy Faulk and Rohith Reddy, nates a number of candidates that he feels eroding. By refusing to take credit for seemed to get a kick out of those skits, but former Panhellenic and Intrafraternity worthy, and the group discusses each their accomplishments, Michigamua has I just thought they were tasteless. Council Presidents; Rishi Moudgil, direc- nominee until the field is narrowed down a hard time justifying their importance Of all those short skits, only one left a tor and founder of K-grams; Bryan to twenty-five students. Although there is to the campus community. There are lit- lasting impression: a “vagina fact” about Ackerman, Dance Marathon Executive Di- supposedly no preference towards athletes, erally hundreds of organizations designed the practice of clitorectomy, or so-called rector; Michael Forward, former president it is easy to see how a large student-athlete to meet students’ needs, all of which are “female circumcision,” in Africa. Why was of Black Electrical Engineers and Com- presence in Michigamua can be self-per- much more accessible to the average coed. this “fact” memorable: because it highlights puter Scientists; Cathleen Totin, former petuating. Also, service and loyalty to the Thus, to the average student, a conflict between two Leftist causes, Army ROTC Battalion Commander; University is a large factor. According to Michigamua appears to be no more than multicultural tolerance and woman’s rights. Seema Pai LSA-Student Government Presi- Delgado, it is very important that prospec- a group of campus bigwigs getting to- If the Left insists that no culture is superior dent; Damaune Journey, National Trea- tive members “have a love for Michigan. gether to talk about their self-importance. to any other, and cannot dictate or impose surer of the National Society of Black En- ... There’s another tier for those people that It is presumptuous to assume that any of values, then it has no right to condemn gineers; Doug Henry, one of the Rank are truly committed to Michigan,” he says. the group members would be so arrogant, African tribes for removing the clitoris of Leaders in the Marching Band; and Diana It all comes down to students who will but then again one of Michigamua’s main young girls to preserve their chastity. If, on Economy, vice-president of the senior understand the importance of purposes is “To develop lasting friend- the other hand, it concedes the existence honor society Mortar Board. Michigamua and carry on its traditions. ships and enduring memories among a of some fundamental human rights that Each member of Michigamua has held So when Michigamua chooses the best diverse group of leaders who otherwise supercede cultural authority, then some sort of leadership position, but while leaders on campus, it’s not to say that there may not have known each other” — in multiculturalism has limits. When those that is an aspect of leadership it still gives aren’t any other excellent campus leaders; other words, a group made by the mem- limits are reached, some respect for the no indication as to why any of them are it just means that those 25 leaders are the bers, for the members. MR liberal Western Tradition must remain. MR better than any other leaders on campus. best for Michigamua.