THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY FEATURES April 29, 1997 PAGE 11 THE SEARCH... Survey Says Gay Family Feud Is Fun Casey Reilty r i lenged by answering "A riot" and Retriever Weekly Staff Writer I Who is the only I "You mean like, Jackson?" for a to- for Strange Coincidence. I I tal of 59 points. The next two ques- Although the evening's entertain- I man most tions were answered by Casey with Shara L. Terjung divorce but no lawyers encouraging repair not only did not work out but ment was to be "Gay Family Feud," I straight men similar results. The first was in the Retriever Weekly Staff Writer us to be civil to one another. wound up causing a huge flood that the sign outside the UC Ballroom I category 'stereotypes.' To get back to the present... Neil trashed one of the nicest rental Lounge read "Gay Jeopardy." I think I would sleep "When you hear the word! Due to an act of God or an act of now has a lovely girlfriend who is houses I have ever seen. So, ignor- it probably would've gotten strange I with? transgendered. who is the first per- bad workmanship depending on very sweet and who wondered if ing the fact that all electronic looks whatever it read, and Retriever son you think of.'"' The obvious an-; Weekly Staff Photographer Will and I Mel Gibson, swer 'RuPaul' earned Casey 85 i your point of view, "The Search" Renton really did dive into the toilet. equipment was destroyed, that art I is officially backing out of a So why do I know so much about my work was irreparably damaged, Circulation Manager Casey were Va\ Kilmer, points and further guesses 'Michael longstanding, vehemently held ex and his new squeeze? Well, if you antiques ruined, etc., Jason and his kept entertained by the poorly-hid- I Jackson' and 'Richard Simmons'- position. Sort of. go back to my original piece, you will roommates are out of a place to den shock on people's faces as they I 5rad Pitt or earned much polite laughter. In the March 5, 1996 issue of find the line "our refrigerator had live. walked by and read the sign. I Further questions proved to be very The Retriever, as it was then called, been empty for weeks, and Neil and Dave and Monica are back with Will and Casey were awaiting the I Harrison ford educational for some participants.' I wrote an article for the Opinion our other roommate came home with their folks and Jason, well, Jason arrival of enough gay/lesbian/bi- The answer to the question "Which* section on living with your lover a Super Nintendo." moved in. With me that is. There sexual people to begin the game event, but rather an actual competi- president would you have most likedj entitled "Think of the Conse- The other roommate is Jason. (You are two computers and two chairs which they had been sent to cover. tor. to have slept with?" was, of course,! quences Before You Shack Up with may need pen and paper to keep track in my office. There is a giant easel With every 'ding' of the UC eleva- And so the contest was joined with JFK. But who could have guessed* 1 Your Man." It was paired with a of all this.) Jason had known Neil in my dining room and my cds have tor, Will and Casey waited in breath- Casey, Corris and Terri vying for the that good old Honest Abe would be piece by my good friend Julie since they were boys and had become been organized. Plus he took out less anticipation for the doors to slide prestigious prize package on offer third on the list? Bunn. my friend while Neil was away at the garbage, cleaned the fridge and open and reveal an elevator full of and for the honor of being known as And when the altogether yummy!* The two of us maintained that College Park. Jason introduced Neil the catbox, and washed all the gay/lesbian/bisexual folks, eager to the "Gay Family Feud" champion. Special Agent Fox Mulder was ab-" living together, simply shacking and I, and remained my friend even dishes. All in all a good deal so far. compete. And with every elevator full Care should be taken to distinguish sent from the survey answers to the| up, was a really bad idea. Julie was after Neil and I broke up. The really important point to all of apparent heterosexuals our hopes this from being known as the gay question "Who is the only man most^ basically motivated by religious Then one fine night a few months this (and the part where I feel like grew dimmer and dimmer. Eventu- "Family Feud" champion. straight men would sleep with?'" beliefs and I by personal experi- ago, Jason and I were playing pool. Doogie Howser typing his mem- ally, Retriever Staff Photographer The rules were the same as the some contestants were left shaking ence. (You can, by the way, look it This goofy friend of mine who had oirs at the end of the show) is that Will became bored of waiting and Family Feud with which we are all their heads in disbelief. up at the library in Special Collec- always been like a brother to me, who sometimes you change your mind LEFT CASEY ALONE. That is why familiar. The contestants were asked The end result saw Casey winning tions — it ran in the same issue that had set me up with his best friend and — and sometimes circumstances no pictures were taken of this histori- to respond to questions and their re- the "Gay Family Feud" with a com- premiered "The Happy Horo- who had dated my best friend, the are just different. cal event. sponses were to match those of a ran- manding lead and a burning desire! scope.") same roommate who used to stick his See, I'm twenty-five now, not Soon it became apparent that most dom survey of people. The contestant to defend his title at the next "Gay, It must have been about five paint covered hands in the cereal box, twenty. I've lived on my own al- of the gay/lesbian/bisexual people at who guesses a response which is in- Family Feud" competition. The prize] years ago that I moved in with Neil told me my hair was pretty. (Bare ready, established a residence, a UMBC were somewhere otherwise cluded on the survey is awarded as was a surprisingly generous $20 gifd (as I like to call him in articles) and with me, this is the only mushy col- credit record, and an identity. I've occupied on this evening, as Re- many points as there were people certificate to the fine Lambda Risingj it turned out to be an utter disaster. umn I've ever written.) And I, I was gone to Blockbuster and rented my triever Staff Photographer Will also who answered the same on the sur- bookstore. It would be a shame if thej As I said in my article, "We had smitten. own movies on Saturday nights. was by that time. However, Casey vey. differentness of these homosexual told ourselves that we were just So you can guess the rest I am now Jason's done the same and, in the was still there and in an unprec- The game got off to an historical game show rip-offs continued to] going to live together; it was no big dating the other roommate who is still intervening years, has learned not edented step was asked to participate. note with the question "What was scare off potential competitors, sincej deal, just a more convenient form friends with my ex, Neil, and so we to put his hands into the cereal box. This is the reason Casey was not sim- Stonewall?" Casey took an early lead this one turned out to be a whole lo of dating." It didn't work out that all got together and watched Most importantly, I do not regard ply an objective observer at this which would never seriously be chal- of fun for everyone. way at all. Trainspotting. (Anne Arundle this as a "more convenient form of "Our relationship wasn't strong County's familly tree gets a lot worse dating," but as a natural progres- , Joe's Excellent England Adventures..., enough to endure the daily pres- than this; ask anyone who went to Rt. sion slightly accelerated by an act sures of living together. If it had 2 U.) Not a pretty picture, but a bottle of God. been, we wbuld have gotten mar- of Merlot made it a little easier. As for my friend Julie's argu- Solving the English-Irish Conflict ried instead of just living together." Here's the act of God part. Jason ment, our reasons for not getting You get the point. We broke up and his roommates share a house a married immediately are many and Joe Schwartz freedom, here are some prime targets: goodwill among all the citizens of and it was absolute hell as we tried few blocks from where I live. They trivjal; we know the promises Retriever Weekly Prodigy (that band that does the world, I suggest the following Foreign Correspondent to separate our furniture, our fi- were all away last weekend when a we've made, that's what matters "Firestarter") ~ damn, they're annoy- solution; As the present level of nances, and our lives. Just like a plumber came in to do a repair. The the most. ing! The statue of Cromwell outside violence is not only morally repre- Leicester, UK 12:00 GMT: I of Parliament; he was a wicked man hensible, but largely ineffective, as write to you today from a nation and no one would have to be hurt to no change of any real sort has oc- under siege. A wave of threats from make a good point. And of course, curred in the last 70 years, the IRA the IRA has paralyzed the city of The Spice Girls! should cease all violent activity London. Airports, railway stations, Anyway, the British invaded Ire- (with the obvious exception of kill- tube stops and major buildings are land about 400 years ago and it took ing traitors, informants and moles, empty, as government agents a lot of killing to drive them out of which is the right of any military search for bombs. Last night a the southern half of the country back force acting out of self-preserva-\ bomb threat was called into my in the 1920s. The six occupied coun- tion). residence hall. As I sat outside read- ties of Ulster have a majority of non- As democracy is the only fash- i ing my Burgess novel under a Irish settlers, mostly Scots who wish ionably accepted form of govern- streetlight, I decided it was high to keep British troops in their part of ment in most of the world, and the time that I, in the interest of inter- Ireland. The IRA, the group that referendum is the most pure and national peace and understanding, forced the British to flee southern he- true form of democracy, a vote made sense of the whole Irish ques- land, now attacks British targets both should be held by each of the oc- tion and settled the whole matter in the occupied counties and on the cupied counties every five years to once and for all. British home isle. The IRA has been determine if a majority of its legiti- Firstly, on behalf of the residents largely condemned for attacking ci- mate residents wish to a) remain a of Lawrence Kirshaw Hall, many vilian targets. But, the British shelled protectorate of the British Empire, of whom are not even British sub- Dublin with battleships in 1916 to b) become an independent nation jects, I have been asked to request crush an Irish rising. They also or c) rejoin the Republic of Ireland. that the people of the United States showed absolutely no regard for the The elections should be carefully stop giving money to the Irish Re- lives of German civilians when they monitored by international observ- publican Army. I wish to amend fire bombed entire cities during ers to prevent terror from Unionist' this request slightly. If you really World War II. So, as near as I can tell or Republican forces and the Brit- want to give money to the IRA, feel neither side has a lot of moral supe- ish security forces. Further obser- free to do so, but please post-date riority. Still, when the threat of a vation should be in place to prevent. | your checks so they cannot be bomb disturbs this journalist's good attempts to drive people out of the cashed until after June 10 or sq. By night's rest, it is time to take action. area through intimidation in order > then I should be out of this war zone I've heard claims that the British to control the outcome of the elec- and the involved parties should be forces in Ireland are brutal and vio- tions. able to sort it out for themselves. lent and ignore the civil rights of As the present Catholic and pre- Furthermore, to any bombers who people whose claim to their home- sumably Republican population' may be planning attacks on Brit- land goes back thousands of years. growth in the occupied counties is ish soil, may I plead with you to I've also heard the IRA has lost its higher than that of the Unionist j cease. Violence only begets more ideology as a liberating army and leaning Orangemen, the system of violence and justice cannot be become a depraved bunch of drug- voting should allow for a peaceful achieved by spilling the blood of mongers and protection thugs. and gradual transition of the terri- j the innocent. That being said, may On behalf of the decent and good tory back into Irish political con I at the very least suggest that if you people of Erin and Britannia, and in trol by the middle of the next j really must bomb in the name of the interest of international peace and century, and this whole 400 year long struggle can be buried once and for all within a generation or two. Anyhow, as the Retriever Weekly ! usually ends up at 10 Downing Street and in the Belfast Ghettoes by Wednesday afternoon, I can ex pect a timely response in for next week's edition, or the week after by the very latest. If there are any other major world conflicts that you need me to solve, please don't go to all the trouble of trying to blow up my building while I'm at- tempting to sleep, simply e-mail me here at [email protected]. Cheers! The Retriever Weekly is hiring for next year. Call xtf60 for wore information on how you can be part of our team.