U. Putz Magazine Represents a Substantial Shift in Editorial Direction
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750 CIRCULATION APRIL 1, 1997 Putz U. Magazine The Pope: HeÕs Listening to Something Strained Wit, pages 2–17 CHICKS WITH DICKS: GAVIN ROSSDALE COMES CLEAN U. VIEWS EDITORIAL YODA-TYPE FIGURE Randy Mack (Õ97) 3 This is a forum where exposure to different viewpoints is encouraged. ACTUAL EDITORS Zachary Ordynans (Õ98) QUICKIES Macneil Shonle (Õ00) 5 R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! Bow-wow-wow, baby, woof. ASSISTANT EDITORS Beth Eshelman (Õ00) U. NEWS Abby Logan (Õ00) 6 This is the part of the issue where we tell you about important and sometimes even news- Tom Gibson (Õ98) worthy events. CREDITS Table of contents, Editorial, fake CD ad, cred- LIFE its, and the Rock page written by Zack. 8 If I had to guess (and I do), IÕd say that this part is about the way that people manage to LetÕs Put The H Back in ADD, Protecting Your live, even though there are so many things out there that can lead to not being alive any- Right To Harass, and the Celebrity Quiz written by Beth. more. Scholarship Application and The Reel Deal written by Mac. BYTES Photo Contest written by Abby. 9 I bet this page is about restaurants and food. And a recipe! Keep your receipt. 6th Year Free by Randy. All articles on page 5 (ÒThis BytesÓ) by Not FEATURES Steve and Mac. 10 These are the articles that the issue features. Professor scandal piece on page 7 by Not/Steve Letters by Sean Prager, Zack, Mac, and Jon M. COVER STORY Polls by Mac and Casey. 14 I hope they donÕt run the cover that they wanted to use. This magazine is published by a Quickies by Cathy OÕBrien, Randy Mack, Dirk Trachy, and the mysterious Laconiacs. bunch of assholes. Reels by Beth and Zack with Randy. 21 The editors probably wonÕt even read this until the issue comes out. No one ever reads the Layout by Mac, with Jon Messinger, Randy table of contents. That must be why they let me write it. Mack and Not Steve. Photography by Beth or Abby or swiped from 16 ItÕs a good thing this is my last issue. higher quality publications. Artwork by Zack and Mac. Copy Editing by Tom, Abby, and Casey Frantz. R + R 18 Rock GUEST EXPERT: You Computer and production assistance by Not Steve, Tom, Jon M., and Brendan Sheehan. Shit, I hope this is more interesting than that interview with a brick that they ran in the last issue. LEGAL WB#8, ©1997 WheatBread magazine. This 20 Reel satire and its contents intended for humorous and not medicinal purposes. Printed at This better not be an article about fishing. MassWeb printers (Auburn, MA) and distrib- uted via Saltus Press (Worcester, MA). First 22 Contests issue free, each additional issue $5449.89. This is where they give stuff away to a bunch of losers. WheatBread magazine is a University-recog- nized, Student-Council funded publication of the Clark student body. It is open to the entire WRAP public of Clark and beyond, and all contribu- 23 This might be album reviews, it might not. Who cares. tions of any type are welcome. Correspondence: Box B-22, Clark U., 950 How the hell do they expect me to write a table of con- [Focus groups show that this is Main Street, Worcester, Massachusetts, 01610. tents page without showing me the articles first? This probably what you look like.] Email: [email protected] is bullshitÉ IÕm going home. http://www.clarku.edu/~wheatbre This monthÕs guest expert is you, a Special thanks to the Scarlet. clueless, spineless dumbass with the Note: In the past, we have asked charisma and time management skills that you recycle this magazine. As of a decomposing woodchuck. You a clarification, we did not intend pontificate endlessly on a variety of that this magazine should be recy- hard-hitting and deeply relevant topics cled before it is read. In addition, such as ÒPartying,Ó ÒFrat-Life,Ó each magazine should be recycled ÒDrunken Debauchery,Ó and individually and not, say, in bundles ÒSchwing!Ó Your answers, typically, of 500. No matter your political per- show that you may have done the suasion, we thank you for your reading, but you just donÕt get it. And sagacious attention to this matter. thatÕs why we deleted this feature. chose to not partake in the chal- U. Polls lenge. They may have had Ever killed a man just to watch him die? places to go. Vests or Oranges? Otherwise, keep up the good (876/555-VIEW) work. I eagerly await the (140.232.40.1.5) November issue. Descartes or Locke? Have you ever seen a Three Cheers For heuristic principles inherently Nishan Kaprealian Descartes: 67% grown man naked? This Guy (?) involved with such matter. grad student Locke: 54% Yes: 52% Thank you for finally speak- Perhaps this problem will be No: 40% ing on behalf of the college solved in context of the remain- Check out our web site at Locke, certainly. All of that minority group. Your article last der of the interviews. http://www.urag.com. It rocks! ÒI think, therefore I amÓ stuff Does a midget count? I month on male cheerleaders, Ñ ed. really opened my eyes. You mean theyÕre short, but... ÒGuess Where My Thumb IsÓ PS. Whoops, I meant to send can say IÕm a nihilist no John -3:17 ¥ Yes Brother finally showed just how hard it this to Z Magazine, not U. Who Brought The more. Mark Chubbs, senior, Joseph Katzman, Director Magazine. is to hoist a 4' 11" anorexic girl Drunk Guy? Herzog U. ¥ The influence of New Testament Studies, into the air. Sure, the glamour these two great men can be Yeshiva University ¥ I used I just picked up your March and fame that comes with the Andy McReynolds seen in our fundamental to be a woman trapped in a issue, and I feel like IÕm missing job is great, but sometimes peo- undergrad perspective on life. We are manÕs body, but when my something. Your magazine in no ple forget that thereÕs a person inherently Cartesian. Locke neighborÕs dog bit off my way reflects any idea of reality inside, too. Thanks again U. also had great influence, in penis, I went through with A Big Problem as I have come to understand it. Magazine, you truly do have particular with the the complete sex-change There are too many people in Who are you people? Are you your finger on the pulse of the Empiricist movement. It was operation. IÕm sorry, what college nowadays with no brain middle aged writers who college student. not until Kant united was the question? Alf cells. I think that you should worked for Horse Racing Digest Rationalism and Empiricism Shorgrich, Senior Magna research this. Thank you. before you got fired and decided Brenda ÒButchÓ Dobson with the resolution Òwe Cum Laude, Lansdow to try your hand at writing for a (aka Butch ÒBrendaÓ Dobson) know nothingÓ must I say: School of Child-care ¥ Sean Counter college market? How does your Both! Zarch Fleps, junior WeÕre all naked under our undergrad magazine make a profit? This is Thanks! And keep your eye open class rep., RST U. ¥ I once clothes. Marty ¥ How else all very shady. for next monthÕs interview with was up late one night, think- could I have gotten through Yes. I totally agree. There are Please stop sending me 311. Ñ ed. ing too much so I couldnÕt prison? Jojo ÒMad DogÓ many stupid people in my class- copies, or I will be forced to get to sleep. I walked outside Finks University of es as well. Ñ ed. notify the fuzz. Noam What? for a stroll in the fog. It was Pennsylvania ¥ ?naem raining. Jen Claggit, grad, ÒgrownÓ seod lleh eht tahw Your recent interview with What A Loser! Miles Heffernan Gordon Phillips Beauty Dr. Emerald Winnibee, Noam Chomsky was both inno- In regard to the article School. ¥ Locke is easier to Dyslexia Specialist vative and provocative. The regarding the comparison You obviously missed the in spell. Jhon Gifg, likely, implications of socio-linguistics between Pepsi and the ÒnewÓ depth feature on the great Thinking of U. in pre-industrial societies is Coke, (ÒBlack Gold: A Bosnian depression that we ran last revealing on multiple levels. SurviorÕs story,Ó Oct. 1987), I issue. Before you criticize, What I believe the article failed am deeply offended by the way know your facts. Have another U. U.-sed to Suck, but Now to address, however, was the the author referred to those who one, pal! Ñ ed. It’s U. That Sucks Some of you may be familiar with this magazine. Some of you may even be familiar with the content of this magazine. If you are one of those people, you may have noticed that this issue of U. Putz Magazine represents a substantial shift in editorial direction. In the past, there have been complaints that this maga- zine is too tame, even to the point of being lame. In order to rectify this marketing miscalculation, we have undergone steps to present a more consistently dynamic attitudinal direction. Beginning with this issue, U. Putz will be approximately sixty percent more offensive per square page than previous issues have been. The decision to move in this direction was based on a recent survey which cited that sixty per- cent of you felt that this magazine lacked a certain element of offensiveness that is present in competing free college publications.