750 CIRCULATION APRIL 1, 1997 Putz U. Magazine
The Pope: HeÕs Listening to Something
Strained Wit, pages 2–17
CHICKS WITH DICKS: GAVIN ROSSDALE COMES CLEAN U. VIEWS EDITORIAL YODA-TYPE FIGURE Randy Mack (Õ97) 3 This is a forum where exposure to different viewpoints is encouraged.
ACTUAL EDITORS Zachary Ordynans (Õ98) QUICKIES Macneil Shonle (Õ00) 5 R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! Bow-wow-wow, baby, woof.
ASSISTANT EDITORS Beth Eshelman (Õ00) U. NEWS Abby Logan (Õ00) 6 This is the part of the issue where we tell you about important and sometimes even news- Tom Gibson (Õ98) worthy events. CREDITS Table of contents, Editorial, fake CD ad, cred- LIFE its, and the Rock page written by Zack. 8 If I had to guess (and I do), IÕd say that this part is about the way that people manage to LetÕs Put The H Back in ADD, Protecting Your live, even though there are so many things out there that can lead to not being alive any- Right To Harass, and the Celebrity Quiz written by Beth. more. Scholarship Application and The Reel Deal written by Mac. BYTES Photo Contest written by Abby. 9 I bet this page is about restaurants and food. And a recipe! Keep your receipt. 6th Year Free by Randy. All articles on page 5 (ÒThis BytesÓ) by Not FEATURES Steve and Mac. 10 These are the articles that the issue features. Professor scandal piece on page 7 by Not/Steve Letters by Sean Prager, Zack, Mac, and Jon M. COVER STORY Polls by Mac and Casey. 14 I hope they donÕt run the cover that they wanted to use. This magazine is published by a Quickies by Cathy OÕBrien, Randy Mack, Dirk Trachy, and the mysterious Laconiacs. bunch of assholes. Reels by Beth and Zack with Randy. 21 The editors probably wonÕt even read this until the issue comes out. No one ever reads the Layout by Mac, with Jon Messinger, Randy table of contents. That must be why they let me write it. Mack and Not Steve. Photography by Beth or Abby or swiped from 16 ItÕs a good thing this is my last issue. higher quality publications. Artwork by Zack and Mac. Copy Editing by Tom, Abby, and Casey Frantz. R + R 18 Rock GUEST EXPERT: You Computer and production assistance by Not Steve, Tom, Jon M., and Brendan Sheehan. Shit, I hope this is more interesting than that interview with a brick that they ran in the last issue. LEGAL WB#8, ©1997 WheatBread magazine. This 20 Reel satire and its contents intended for humorous and not medicinal purposes. Printed at This better not be an article about fishing. MassWeb printers (Auburn, MA) and distrib- uted via Saltus Press (Worcester, MA). First 22 Contests issue free, each additional issue $5449.89. This is where they give stuff away to a bunch of losers. WheatBread magazine is a University-recog- nized, Student-Council funded publication of the Clark student body. It is open to the entire WRAP public of Clark and beyond, and all contribu- 23 This might be album reviews, it might not. Who cares. tions of any type are welcome. Correspondence: Box B-22, Clark U., 950 How the hell do they expect me to write a table of con- [Focus groups show that this is Main Street, Worcester, Massachusetts, 01610. tents page without showing me the articles first? This probably what you look like.] Email: [email protected] is bullshitÉ IÕm going home. http://www.clarku.edu/~wheatbre This monthÕs guest expert is you, a Special thanks to the Scarlet. clueless, spineless dumbass with the Note: In the past, we have asked charisma and time management skills that you recycle this magazine. As of a decomposing woodchuck. You a clarification, we did not intend pontificate endlessly on a variety of that this magazine should be recy- hard-hitting and deeply relevant topics cled before it is read. In addition, such as ÒPartying,Ó ÒFrat-Life,Ó each magazine should be recycled ÒDrunken Debauchery,Ó and individually and not, say, in bundles ÒSchwing!Ó Your answers, typically, of 500. No matter your political per- show that you may have done the suasion, we thank you for your reading, but you just donÕt get it. And sagacious attention to this matter. thatÕs why we deleted this feature. chose to not partake in the chal- U. Polls lenge. They may have had Ever killed a man just to watch him die? places to go. Vests or Oranges? Otherwise, keep up the good (876/555-VIEW) work. I eagerly await the (140.232.40.1.5) November issue. Descartes or Locke? Have you ever seen a Three Cheers For heuristic principles inherently Nishan Kaprealian Descartes: 67% grown man naked? This Guy (?) involved with such matter. grad student Locke: 54% Yes: 52% Thank you for finally speak- Perhaps this problem will be No: 40% ing on behalf of the college solved in context of the remain- Check out our web site at Locke, certainly. All of that minority group. Your article last der of the interviews. http://www.urag.com. It rocks! ÒI think, therefore I amÓ stuff Does a midget count? I month on male cheerleaders, Ñ ed. really opened my eyes. You mean theyÕre short, but... ÒGuess Where My Thumb IsÓ PS. Whoops, I meant to send can say IÕm a nihilist no John -3:17 ¥ Yes Brother finally showed just how hard it this to Z Magazine, not U. Who Brought The more. Mark Chubbs, senior, Joseph Katzman, Director Magazine. is to hoist a 4' 11" anorexic girl Drunk Guy? Herzog U. ¥ The influence of New Testament Studies, into the air. Sure, the glamour these two great men can be Yeshiva University ¥ I used I just picked up your March and fame that comes with the Andy McReynolds seen in our fundamental to be a woman trapped in a issue, and I feel like IÕm missing job is great, but sometimes peo- undergrad perspective on life. We are manÕs body, but when my something. Your magazine in no ple forget that thereÕs a person inherently Cartesian. Locke neighborÕs dog bit off my way reflects any idea of reality inside, too. Thanks again U. also had great influence, in penis, I went through with A Big Problem as I have come to understand it. Magazine, you truly do have particular with the the complete sex-change There are too many people in Who are you people? Are you your finger on the pulse of the Empiricist movement. It was operation. IÕm sorry, what college nowadays with no brain middle aged writers who college student. not until Kant united was the question? Alf cells. I think that you should worked for Horse Racing Digest Rationalism and Empiricism Shorgrich, Senior Magna research this. Thank you. before you got fired and decided Brenda ÒButchÓ Dobson with the resolution Òwe Cum Laude, Lansdow to try your hand at writing for a (aka Butch ÒBrendaÓ Dobson) know nothingÓ must I say: School of Child-care ¥ Sean Counter college market? How does your Both! Zarch Fleps, junior WeÕre all naked under our undergrad magazine make a profit? This is Thanks! And keep your eye open class rep., RST U. ¥ I once clothes. Marty ¥ How else all very shady. for next monthÕs interview with was up late one night, think- could I have gotten through Yes. I totally agree. There are Please stop sending me 311. Ñ ed. ing too much so I couldnÕt prison? Jojo ÒMad DogÓ many stupid people in my class- copies, or I will be forced to get to sleep. I walked outside Finks University of es as well. Ñ ed. notify the fuzz. Noam What? for a stroll in the fog. It was Pennsylvania ¥ ?naem raining. Jen Claggit, grad, ÒgrownÓ seod lleh eht tahw Your recent interview with What A Loser! Miles Heffernan Gordon Phillips Beauty Dr. Emerald Winnibee, Noam Chomsky was both inno- In regard to the article School. ¥ Locke is easier to Dyslexia Specialist vative and provocative. The regarding the comparison You obviously missed the in spell. Jhon Gifg, likely, implications of socio-linguistics between Pepsi and the ÒnewÓ depth feature on the great Thinking of U. in pre-industrial societies is Coke, (ÒBlack Gold: A Bosnian depression that we ran last revealing on multiple levels. SurviorÕs story,Ó Oct. 1987), I issue. Before you criticize, What I believe the article failed am deeply offended by the way know your facts. Have another U. U.-sed to Suck, but Now to address, however, was the the author referred to those who one, pal! Ñ ed. It’s U. That Sucks
Some of you may be familiar with this magazine. Some of you may even be familiar with the content of this magazine. If you are one of those people, you may have noticed that this issue of U. Putz Magazine represents a substantial shift in editorial direction. In the past, there have been complaints that this maga- zine is too tame, even to the point of being lame. In order to rectify this marketing miscalculation, we have undergone steps to present a more consistently dynamic attitudinal direction. Beginning with this issue, U. Putz will be approximately sixty percent more offensive per square page than previous issues have been. The decision to move in this direction was based on a recent survey which cited that sixty per- cent of you felt that this magazine lacked a certain element of offensiveness that is present in competing free college publications. In keeping with this new policy, we think that our readers are too dumb for it to be worthwhile to invest any more attention in this editorial. May your kids fall down a well. April 1, 1997 ¥ U. Putz Magazine 3 show that cold leftovers and “HEY, WHERE assorted brands of cat food will serve nutritional require- DID IT GO?” ments of those individuals UOSDABC, CO who leave their beds for only Anything is possible in a 18 hours a week. Side effects freshman dorm, absolutely seem to be stunted growth and anything. A frazzled freshman failed livers, but those stu- at U. Of South Dakota At dents we interviewed seem to Boulder Colorado, who goes reality in moderate to high WheatBread special that the imminent nuptials think this a small price to pay by the name of Todd, had this doses. ÒTrainaspotting.Ó By all will take place at JordanÕs for the wealth of knowledge statement superclarified for Many veterinarians are accounts, the booklet furniture store. one can gain in those 18 him when he was unable to feeling the brunt of this brought about a profound hours. return to his roomÑbecause it new drug trade as cases are personal reevaluation POTTY POTTY wasnÕt there. The frisky resi- being burgled from their which left Dick searching. POTTY FECULENCE dents had been playing pranks offices. There are no long An anonymous source close DISPOSAL on one another and had threat- term side effects as yet to this reporter noted that Worcester State ened Todd that they would Òget determined by science, but ÒIt really shook him College, MA TODAY A him, but good.Ó ÒThey got me as it has never been tested [Traina] up. He shaved his When you think back to VIABLE this time,Ó Todd told us. The by humans, it may cause eyebrows and cried a lot. your college years, what is it CAREER room was found a block or two anything from birth defects You have to understand, he that you will remember the OPTION away, a little shaken and with a to scabies. was confused and vulnera- most? Will it be the late night Hey, itÕs not like we throw few paint chips, but otherwise ble. He was desperate for study sessions or the Thursday it out the window anymore. unharmed. affection and the table was CLARK U. night parties? Since the invention of the there for him, accepting, PRESIDENT TO ÒNo,Ó claims Ari , founder chamber pot, things have BURNING MAD loving even. He was easy of Potties are Real, Too been better. A lot less WED FORMICA prey for a slick polished Public University (PART). Among the major plague and rats running TABLE counter-top like that. Who for The Training of concerns of college life is the around with microscopic can blame him? Formica is Zookeepers, MD (WIFE, POLLY, VOWS need for basic human survival, insects. Today, What is sexy and exotic. I just hope Have you ever gotten so TO GO AMISH) including the release of bodily feculence disposal? Who that heÕs not setting himself upset by a fire in your dorm wastes.Ó knows? I am a non-student Clark University up for disappointment.Ó A that you just wanted to fail a Response to PART has been forced to write for a desper- Worcester, MA serious possibility, by all test? Well, that almost hap- strong, but not as rapid as Ari ate magazine. One time I accounts. pened when a smoking fool President Richard P. Traina, had hoped. Non-members we took over the radio here, all Behind the speckled top ashed right into the trash, start- Clark UniversityÕs benevo- spoke with seemed to think I played was Skinny Puppy and wrought iron base lies ing a five alarm blaze. lent master, announced that ÒPART is all about bath- too. These people let any- a lifetime of debauchery Disgruntled students organized early last week his plans to room humor. ThatÕs easy. one get a slice of the media and general immorality. a picket within moments, enter the bonds of holy pie. Goddammit. demanding fireproof trash. The matrimony with a local After being assembled in FDA ADJUSTS administration at PUTZ piece of restaurant furnish- Taiwan, the PresidentÕs STANDARDS ing. The announcement, sweetheartÕs life took a turn ANOTHER ignored the demands (which The FDA was reported this which raised many an eye- for the worst. After being WITTY “STAR also included pencil sharpeners week to have reduced stan- brow amongst higher-ups sold wholesale to a seedy in every classroom), and went dards for what college stu- WARS” PUN in the Clark administration, local dive, it reportedly on to fail all of their finals. dents actually need to survive. DRIVES DEAN is apparently the culmina- gave in to the temptations What a bunch of putzes! There will be no more of this tion of a recent series of of cheap furniture polish TO MURDER 2 servings of protein and 4 tumultuous events brought and Formula 409. In an M.I.T. “I GOT KICKED servings of fruits and vegeta- on by the breakdown apparent effort to bolster bles recommended for our Cambridge, MA OUT OF THE Traina experienced after the coupleÕs scandalous youth. A new finding seems to The over-use of ÔStar AVALON AND reading the recent image, it was announced WarsÕ puns by physics stu- DIDN’T EVEN RUN FOR THE dents drove professor KNOW IT” MONEY, BUT Charles Villville to brutally Boston College slay his entire Boston, MA ONLY IF YOU CAN Electromagnetic Theory Mack U., Virginia class. ÒSure, it was over the The drug Ketamine has line,Ó said MIT President been receiving much popu- Twenty five college students were left sitting in bewildered befuddlement Wilton Weston, ÒBut the larity, even though it is only guy has tenure. And any- legally prescribed as an last week as they attempted to play a relay race involving forty dollars. The way, it was just a bunch of anesthetic for felines and undergrads.Ó Reportedly, sub-human primates. It students couldnÕt figure out any fair way to divide the money. the joke that set him off produces a severe delirium was a complicated reformu- and makes the user feel a It looks like remedial math might be in the future for these numerically lation of the binomial theo- complete disassociation rem that included ÒR2-D2.Ó from any concept of normal delayed students.
4 U. Putz Magazine ¥ April 1, 1997 The WorldÕs Wide WEB offers This bytes opportunities for excitement! ey gang, time to get with the ninetiesÑand no, IÕm not talking about Mac vs. PCs: the Macarana. IÕm talking about the Information Super Highway! HItÕs totally cool, and IÕm sure all of you have seen or heard of it by Why PCs Still Suck now. The Web will be the ultimate force that transforms our society into a here has been much discussion of trans-cultural matrix of international empowerment, equality, and wonder. the choice between MACs and PCs. The Web is the most exciting technological devel- Java and other hot technologies facilitate multi- This is a complex issue with signifi- opment since the airplane. It will change the world media, right over the Web! This will insure that all T by giving individuals power never before realized, or information found on the Web will be useful and rel- cant historic context and detailed technical even conceived. Prof. Billy-Lee Turner III of Clark evant. Multimedia, also known as Òhypertext,Ó can issues. But basically, PCs just suck. U., and formerly of Bad Company, says Òthe Web give information in ways never thought of before, will bring out a side that weÕve never seen before.Ó such as combining pictures and textÉ even sound! For starters, Windows is a dants. I told him Pentiums By connecting everyone with a computer to everyone This is far cool, but youÕre probably thinking ÒGee, I dumb name. What the hell suck. And granola gives me else who has a computer, weÕll all be connected. bet all of this is hard to learn.Ó Think again. Read on. kind of name is that? gas. The World Wide WEB crosses partisan bound- So now you must be asking, ÒOK, but what do I Architectural elements and Larry lives on a farm. He aries a hundred times over. Vice President Al Gore need to do all this?Ó WeÕll start with some tips on computers are wholly unre- has two pigs, three cows and and House Speaker Newt Gingrich donÕt agree on how to get on the road and navigate like a Pro. All lated fields of research. And a duck. The duckÕs named much, but when it comes to the Web, itÕs all smiles. you need is the ÒHomeÓ button. After that, the world the MAC gives you menus, Henry. But Larry calls him ÒThe Web will give our citizens the means to access is your oyster. First, letÕs find the mouseÑand no, icons and windows. And Butch. I said what kind of a any piece of information anytime, anywhere, any- IÕm not talking about some Disney character. The they kick it all off with a stupid name is Butch for a how. ThereÕs never been anything like it,Ó exclaims mouse is that thing with the ball. Move it until the happy face. Who doesnÕt like duck? ItÕs not like he's that Mr. Gore and the House Speaker at a recent press ÒcursorÓ is over the box that says ÒHome.Ó Click the a happy face? tough, you know? He doesnÕt conference in Elbonia. mouse. And youÕre done! LetÕs talk mice. For even migrate. And Larry just Plus, the WEB has a part of it called ÒJava.Ó Java Be sure to check out the snazzy tutorial at starters, Windows mice have gave me that look he gives is the most amazing programming language, because Òhttp://beatrice.clarku.edu/wombat/entrance.htmlÓ no control. They drive like you, you know? Of course, it incorporates a technology called Òobject-oriented for a comprehensive, interactive look at all the possi- Pintos. Macintosh Inc. made he was on the phone, but I programming.Ó Without going into a detailed techni- bilities the WorldÕs Wide WEB has to offer. a good decision when mak- knew he had more than just cal explanation, letÕs just say that, because Java is [This article was compiled from every article writ- ing the scaling algorithms his ears into it. object-oriented, most people already know how to ten about the Web by every idiot know-it-all hack necessary for the MACÕs Not many people know program in it. Plus it makes everything compatible journalist since Marc Andressonn wrote Mosaic. The mouse. (My mouse is called this, but ducks are not always with all computersÑinstantly! web site above is real, babybaby, hot diggity, yeah!] Barry White.) Furthermore, migratory. As it turns out, WindowsÕ mice have too The Professor many buttons. When I push wasnÕt even a performance. The author proposes a new approach to code my fingers down, I want real scientist. Of Bits & Bytes generation based on re-orderable code and increased focus them all down. WeÕre click- course, that on compiler hazard avoidance rather than hardware. Code ing here, not playing the doesnÕt mean ¥ The implementation of polymorphism in a static would still be authored in traditional high-level procedural piano! the rutabagas object-oriented language such as C++ is worthy of some languages, but with additional extensions to facilitate the IÕve been using MACs wonÕt consoli- examination. In particular, with pipelined processors, the creation of multiple encapsulated levels of procedurality. and PCs for years, but when date next year. overhead of a virtual function call can be reduced to zero. Within each level, each object can be re-ordered without my MAC broke down, a Next, how The main idea behind this is to build a virtual-table for introducing any explicit hazards. Implemented properly, friend offered me the use of about the over- each class, where the table is filled with v-pointers which this approach could facilitate far more cost-effective multi- her Windows machine. She all look and are method addresses. The method addresses in the table processing. should have shot me, it feel. The MAC are set to the appropriate values for each class. Each ¥ Vegetarian Lasagna: You will need 1 box fresh mush- would have been quicker. is far more instance of a class that has a virtual function implicitly rooms, 1large onion, 1 box frozen broccoli, 2 cups pesto, 2 No sooner did I get it organic, since it contains a pointer to this v-table. To send the correct mes- green peppers, 1/2 oz. parsley, 1 16 oz. can stewed toma- home, than I got this phone was built from sage to a given object, its v-pointer just needs to be used toes, 1 qt. pasta sauce, 1 pound (each) Mozzarella, call. It was my friend Larry, the ground up to to look up the correct address in the v-table and then calls Romano and Ricotta cheese, 1/2 pound smooth tofu, and 1 an old college buddy. Larry be a GUI that address. box of lasagna noodles. Grate all cheeses and dice (finely) has a PC, too. He lives out in (Graphing User ¥ Current constraints in pipelining and superscalar all vegetables. Coat the lasagna pan with vegetable oil and the San Fernando Valley; we Interval). design logically point to a fundamental re-examination of lay the first layer of noodles. Build the layers as follows: havenÕt talked too much Windows are the procedural programming language paradigm. The cen- #1 Mozzarella, peppers and onion, #2 Romano, pasta recently. LarryÕs a nutrition- built on top of tral problem arises from a single-threaded instruction list sauce and broccoli, #3 Ricotta and mushroom, #4 Pesto, ist. DOS (Digitally- being re-organized and re-ordered during execution. This stewed tomatoes and mozzarella. Top with light coating of I told Larry about my cur- Oriented results in decreased performance from wait states and sig- pasta sauce and grated mozzarella. Heat at 450¡ for 1/2 rent dilemma. He suggested a Software), nificantly increased die sizes. Both of these factors ulti- hour or until cheese has visibly melted. Garnish with pars- low fat, high fiber diet rich in which really mately result in a higher cost to produce a desired level of ley. betacaratine and anti-oxi- sucks.
April 1, 1997 ¥ U. Putz Magazine 5 Ô6th Year FreeÕ Programs olleges across this country are pushing their academic envelopes in order to Cattract students who are looking to push ÔLetÕs Put the H their wallets farther. After all, itÕs exciting academ- ÒShit, weÕre paying half these ic programs that make students babies to go to school anyway look up and say ÒAre you sure through financial aid. Why not back in ADDÕ: thatÕs $25,000 of education?Ó and pay them to hang around and across the country, universities spend all of their disposable A Very Special ÔBlossomÕ are making up programs like income?Ó explained Traina. HarvardÕs ÒGet a Free Car If You In coordination with this, Last Three Years HereÓ to bring Clark University has modified its his summer I sat on my porch nostalgically intoxicated by (40 home the bacon. structure so that students are ounces of Schlitz) the hustle and bustle of busy vacationers in The most recent fad is the milked and bilked in almost ÒFifth-Year FreeÓ programs of every facet of their lives. ÒWeÕve TLaconia, NH. Every summer, the town comes alive with new colleges such as University of even put all the sophomores on a people who hope to escape the harsh atmosphere of the city by enjoy- Virginia, Clark University, mandatory mealplan,Ó gloated University of Pennsylvania, and Traina from his private line on ing a McChicken combo meal in a Òrural, down-home setting.Ó I Reed. These programs are nifty his jet, the Cougar-1. ÒThe cash is remember the thrill of viewing passing minority families, the smell of because you get a MasterÕs rolling in.Ó Degree for free, simply for not Normally, this is where weÕd commercial marijuana mingling among the fertilizer fumes, and my transferring and keeping your have quotes from other colleges fat, toothless neighbor baking like a cockroach on her chaise lounge. grades up. Although these pro- and stuff, but that would imply grams have increased applica- research and phone calls and These were the signs of summer that made me giddy. Smiling, I tions to the schools, some have other effort, and frankly, Mr. retrieved another beer from my styrofoam cooler, lit up a camel filter accused them of cheapening the Traina and Ms. Chesley were just meaning of a MasterÕs Degree. so charming that we canÕt bring and watched as my picture perfect summer mutated into a mediocre ÒWho gives a shit?Ó said Clark ourselves to question them. They episode of COPS. University President Richard even offered us stock options in Traina. the Clark Corporation, which is In my quest to ferment, I had stumbled Fans of Buchanan Headquarters, and all Now, certain universities are probably against the law, but upon a spray painted symbol which was 24 of the local liquor stores. Eventually, Òkeeping up with the JonesÓ by surely goes to show how kind and not a Japanese character for Òpeace,Ó but after noting many acts of vandalism, I offering ÒSixth-Year FreeÓ pro- generous these people are. was what Newsweek had referred to as a encountered my first Ògang member.Ó grams for undergraduates who Anyway, if you enroll at Clark Òtag.Ó Being a master of the obvious, I Maurice (formerly Willie) had joined slack their way through school, now, we make 15 cents on the realized that where there are tags there the gang NFK (Natural Born Killers) yet want to remain outside the dollar. So do it now before our are gangs. There were tags everywhere: back in 1994 (post Challenger shuttle ?! workforce for as long as possible. subscription rate goes up again. the two store fronts in my town, city hall, explosion, ie. after the death of space the bank, churches, schools, hospitals, the teacher Christa McAulif). Maurice found salvation in the brotherhood of NFK. His big N.H. city of Manchester, where Main white middle class guilt had driven him to Street is a dead end. IÕm afraid this may a life longing for crime, drugs, and be a metaphor for MauriceÕs future. He women. Crying out to be oppressed, mentioned to me once that heÕd rather Maurice began drinking Zima before join a gang than MassPIRG. While I think 5:00PM, carrying large permanent mark- heÕs right, my neighborÕs dog might not ers, and committing fashion crimes with agree after the ÒspamÓ incident. If Spam cross colors. was a person who would he be? Maybe Modeling himself after various Òbroth- Spam would be my schizophrenic friend ersÓ as seen on ÒYo! Mtv Raps,Ó Maurice Tim. We were friends until he became began to stray from his New Hampshire convinced that I was the voice in his roots. He stopped pronouncing his rÕs and head. Apparently I was telling him that exchanged his thÕs for fÕs. In the last elec- Oasis was the Genesis of the 90Õs. tion he voted democrat. Two weeks ago Speaking of Oasis, IÕm going to Tiajuana he traded his Rubber Maid desk organiz- this summer, the land of Chicklets and er for a gram of pot. Three weeks ago he child labor. wrote to Glade air fresheners and sug- gested they make party packs! Maurice, the blue-eyed heathen, had apparently set his sights on urban living. THE END? Two days ago Maurice moved to the
6 U. Putz Magazine ¥ April 1, 1997 Protecting Your Celebrity Quiz Jewish or Lesbian? Take your best guess as to whoÕs in the closet and who spins the drei- Right To Harass del with the best of the bean- ies! Guest Editorial (1) Dr. Joyce Brothers (2) Matt and Gunnar Nelson by Steve Burns (3) Sinbad (4) Carrie Fisher President, TEP Brotherhood (5) The Pope (6) Jimmy Smitts ver wonder what it would be like to grab the ass of that hot girl in (7) Dr. Benjamin Spock (8) Sally Struthers your 9AM class or rape the girl who shows up at your dorm room (9) Emmanuel Lewis because sheÕs Òlocked outÓ (wink, wink)? (10) John Hinkley Jr. E (11) Bill Buckner Who hasnÕt considered seeing some uncontrollable male whose into the heads of females and sen- (12) Tiffany Amber Thesssin how much of a ÒpleasureÓ you are sexual desire had run amuck. It sitive males. Although the laws do (13) John Ritter to ÒhaveÓ in class? A little threat has been confirmed that she was not state that they are directed at (14) Douglas Adams directed at a female professors can asking for it in several different strapping young males, any idiot (15) George Michael turn your 2.0 into a 4.0 overnight. languages. We at TEP have hard can see that they are sexist, not to (16) Baby Jessica Ahh nostalgia, where did the good evidence that Òboys will be boysÓ mention extremely discriminatory. (17) Tommy Hilfiger olÕ days of persuasion go? and these regulations are just bla- These policies prevent the behav- (18) Robert Maplethorpe Those darn sexual harassment tant attempts to oppress men in the ior that is necessary to produce the (19) Toonces (the driving cat) policies have shown up on just name of Òrespect.Ó We firmly dissociative disorders and phobias (20) Tammy Faye Baker
about every college campus across believe that women should not be that keep women balanced enough
the nation in a flood of desperate given extraordinary treatment to be positive members of society. Jew. (20) Lesbian; (19)
political correctness. In 1989, the when people are still eating meat Males and females alike should Jew; (18) Jew; (17) Lesbian;
National Council for Abolishing on college campuses. Frankly, take action against these oppres- (16) Jew; (15) Lesbian;
Amusement (NCAA) made it these ÒpoliciesÓ are eating away at sive laws! If you chickies want to (14) Lesbian; (13) Lesbian; (12)
mandatory for universities and the livelihood of our counter pro- be free, donÕt whine to the question; the begging YouÕre
colleges to draft a policy stating ductive college existence. Òauthorities.Ó TheyÕll brainwash (11) Lesbian; (10) Jew; (9)
what is considered sexual harass- Fine organizations such as TEP you and label you violated. No Jew; (8) Jew; (7) Lesbian; (6)
ment, as well as what actions find that attempting to eliminate man wants that in a woman! So Both; (5) Lesbian; (4) Lesbian;
would be taken against offenders. sexual harassment not only puts a think before you wear something (3) kike; Dyke, (2) Kike; (1) This all came about after some girl damper on the campus social that shows skin without letting the Answer: Quiz Celebrity was raped outside of her dorm by scene but also puts crazy ideas boys in. Yo.
Professor Named in Dr. Steve’s research focuses on the Creb Cycle in tedly intriguing scientific data, convincing graphs, and relation to lucidian dream states. Rather than using the his fridge. The media was reportedly “convinced, though Allegations of Misconduct traditional linear-progressive approach that disrupts nor- I’m not sure I’d be over for dinner any time soon,” said mal sleep cycles, he focuses on a trans-matrix one reporter who asked not be identified. Psychological community shaken approach, by integrating both sedentary and man-made In a letter drafted by the law firm representing the not stirred by recent events building materials. Dr. Steve summed up his ground- constituents, specific claims were outlined, including the breaking research, stating, “Basically, I’m using hypnosis use of “poor crasftmanship” and “non-traditional January 24th, 1997—Oslo, Norway—18:00 to put bricks to sleep.” footwear.” The letter went on to state their formal objec- There have also been unconfirmed reports that Dr. tion to the televised program, “The Brick,” scheduled to At the annual Conference on Sleep Disorders and Steve has transferred his research to human subjects. be on Clark University community-access television. Dysfunctional Monkeys in Mongolia, shocking accusa- Several people have come forward and stated that they Although the details of the show remain undisclosed, tions were made against Dr. Not Steve, and his ground- were asked if they were sleepy, then hit on the head with objections have been widespread. The station also breaking research on lucid dreaming. bricks. denied vehemently any association with Alan Alda, The patients, who remain nameless under the Some of Dr. Steve’s practices have come under though pictures have shown otherwise. Ford/Agnew Accord of 1973, came forward because scrutiny in the past year, from agencies ranging from the “Well, what are you gonna do?” proclaimed Dr. Steve, “they could no longer continue the media charade.” From AMA to the Construction Workers Local 141. “Just getting into his 1969 Porche Carrera before driving into behind a dark awning, they spoke matter-of-factly about because they’re bricks, does not mean he can treat them an intersection and causing a three-car accident. “It was constant and sometimes bizarre subversions of the sci- like animals,” stated Michael Moore, in a café some- only a matter of time before someone bridged the gap entific method, shifty research practices and perversions where in Belfast. Belfast is in Ireland. between formal scientific research, entertainment and of the Hipocratic Oath. “Or very poor taste, at any rate,” Dr. Steve was unavailable for comment, but his building supplies. Of course there are objections. There noted one former colleague. agency was able to provide the media with some admit- are always objections.”
April 1, 1997 ¥ U. Putz Magazine 7 Rating System RADIO, RADIO ★★★★★ Crack These are currently the top ten albums being played at a randomly selected college radio station. It ★★★★ Heroin might actually be broadcast over closed circuit TV; we’re not entirely sure. ★★★ Angel Dust 10. The Singing Sisters of Syracuse ★★ Marijuana (eponymous debut) ★ 9. Mr.Spock’s Music From Outer Space Baywatch 8. Sesame Street Presents: The Count Counts 7. Christmas on Death Row (compilation) 6. Squba Gear, Bowling For The League EP Squba Gear artists took me by surprise. It wasnÕt a 5. The Simpsons Sing The Blues Pocket Band song that I instantly loved, (the singerÕs bowling with the 4. anything by Kansas Every month, we ask for screaming and crying became increasingly homies 3. Guy Lombardo Sings Elton John and receive thousands, irritating as the song went on) but it was Tank Records 2. Music From The Motion Picture Dolemite, sometimes thousands, of one of those rare songs that stop you dead unsolicited tapes from in your tracks if only because itÕs com- Volume 1: “Awwww, Yeah…” unsignable artists that pletely unlike anything you may have ever 1. Fifty-Five Years of Ska: An Anthology would like us to “discover” heard before. (four song EP) them and recognize their Since then, the band has been written unique “talent” in the up in nearly every major national music Pocket Band section of the magazine (as well as People and Better Homes few are future classics, and a few others U. Rocks page. We’ll pay and Gardens), appeared on the Conan OÕBrien explore and define varied musical genres in an attention, we don’t want to show, and become the subject of the most unpredictable and shockingly effective man- have to repeat this: U. intense major label bidding war that I can ever ner (the flute and harpsichord solos on Òbad- Suck! U. are lame! We are remember. In a remarkably short period of ddassssss songs,Ó the albumÕs only rap track, tired of listening to your time, this band has gone from being unknown will make you wonder why no one ever shitty ass slacker drool- to overhyped. thought of the idea before), but really, doesnÕt ings. Our editors think this I still remember the first time I ever heard The music itself on this, their first full it seem like Rolling Stone, Spin, and Details column is a neat idea, but Squba (pronounced Skwoo-bah) Gear. I was length album is always interesting stylistically give perfect scores to just anyone lately? ItÕs fuck them. They know that riding in my friend, a fellow hip music criticÕs and musically but generally a little bit disap- true that this is an album that will be looked if they try to fire any of us, car, Bob. The music critic that is, not the car. pointing. There are a number of strong songs back on as the defining (or beginning) we’ll tell the whole damn The song, a bootlegged version of ÒGroom here; Òspitting on a wall,Ó Òmidrange booster,Ó moment of our musical generation, but is world the truth about how with a viewÓ (which is included on the album) ÒmonkeyÕs reelÓ and Ònose job earringÓ are President Clinton really justified in suggesting it is that this unreadable, left an impression that runs so deep that I feel commercial enough to become big main- that it be mandatory for every library in the unread magazine is still in the need to tell you about this now. The way stream hits without compromising the bandÕs country to stock multiple copies of this print, and who it is that the band pulled off the bizarre combination of trademark sound. The cover of ÒDust In the album? I donÕt know. Buy the album and stands to gain from the all the spacious grandeur and instrumentation of WindÓ makes Kansas look like a bunch of judge for yourself. of the suffering. Trust us, the best electronica bands with the intimate untalented hacks (hicks?) by comparison. the truth is as ugly as post- feel and poppish song craft of the best indie ItÕs true that every song is memorable, a Star Wars Mark Hamill, and just as sleazy. This being the last Our Picks Pocket Band column that we will ever do, it is only appropriate that this month Prodigy U2 The song remains the been sitting we have found the ultimate The singer looks like Pop same. Again. unwashed in my mug, unsignable band. I was an asshole. fly to the second waiting for this pre- scared when I saw the pho- baseman. Rock and Bjork cise moment to strike. tocopied stick figure Bush roll needs an infield Telegram (Editor’s Note: We “album cover” and I was Razorblade Suitcase fly rule. Sjucks. Gjet ojver ijt. only mention this worried when I read the If you have to ask, because we’ve been label on the side of the you’ll just never get it. Collective Soul Pearl Jam told that ramen is a tape. It was not until I actu-
April 1, 1997 ¥ U. Putz Magazine 9 U. PUTZ OFFERS FORTY-TWO $6,000 SCHOLARSHIPS TO UNDERGRADS or the first year ever, U. Putz APPLICATION Magazine of National College will use 4-inch calligraphy marker only Fbe presenting its eighteenth annual offering of forty-two $6,000 scholarships Name to unbelievably adequate students in a Ms./Mr Last First (MI) (Esq./MD/Phd) citizen id number selection of fields. Twenty of the scholarships are from College or medical institution you attend: the National BarberÕs Association, ■ ■ ■ twelve are from the HeavenÕs Gate Enrollment status as of fall 1997: large medium small (To qualify, you must be able to fit in a size 5, or a C-cup) Corporation, and the remaining ten scholarships from U. Putz National Major Minor Concentration Second Major itself. Each of the scholarships reflects Self-Designed Major C-Major D-Minor the many varieties of students and their Favorite Secondary Color ERA With Men on Base talents, in so far as they have the ability to: (1) maintain acceptable grooming; (2) Your address of what-you-call-home: Apt.# accept community; and (3) write for a City (please donÕt say Worcester) State Zipper Size magazine named with U. Putz in its name. (Where we can testify winners in case of an emergency) The qualifications and criteria for each Pepperment Address: E.T. Phone Home scholarship is worthy of proper examina- City State: ■ insanity ■ hanging in there ■ donÕt ask tion. Please be sure you qualify for the Zip Code of Honor scholarship which you want to place for Scholarship(s) you are applying for: You may apply for only a select number of scholarships, but may apply for all in the position of U. Journal (THE if you are sure you can get all of the hearts, shoot the moon, so to speak. COMPANY). Be sure to note: You de xuesheng zai daxue hen ben. Also, ■ National BarberÕs Scholarship please note that THE COMPANY will ■ HeavenÕs Gate Scholarship not be responsible for lost or missed ■ National U. Lampoon Magazine Scholarship chances. The scholarships are awarded with considerable lack of attention to Application checklist race, gender, sexual talent, color, creed, (Please send materials in separate envelopes. No more than one envelope sent per household.) religion, or anything else that you proba- bly think will give you an advantage. ■ Application (this is it) Determination of scholarship recipients ■ A typed letter or doctorial dissertation of no less than 10,000 words describing the is the duty of the sir-citizen of the desig- ramifications of Kafka to Western culture with special attention paid to particle economics nated area. ■ a FAXed photocopy of a Xerox of your most recent transcript ■ The final scholarship winners will be twenty-five letters of recommendation, include pre-school ■ printed in a previous issue and will your family tree ■ (optional) A non-refundable coupon, which may be purchased in U. U. Ghali if you are receive the scholarship only after the stu- selected as a random winner. dentÕs academic career has been complet- ed. Please send your scholarship packages to: Due to the large number of applica- Magazine of U. and the Blowfish tions, we can not guarantee all applica- 1999 Scholarships tions will be read, but a personal reply 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. will be given to each entry, and personal- Wallawalla, WA 90210-1234 ly rubber-stamped. All reasonable appli- cationsÑfrom fashion, food and drink, DEADLINE stereo and sports cars to dating problems, taste and etiquetteÑwill be rejected on 8:00PM Every Thursday Night on NBC the grounds that no #2 pencil actually contains any lead in it.
10 U. Putz Magazine ¥ April 1, 1997 ANOTHER ANNUAL U. PUTZ PHOTO CONTEST! TheyÕre here! The winners of the annual photo contest thatÕs announced in every issue! ArenÕt you excited? Well, the winners are, because they each get $1,000 smackers. Just for snapping any old picture like millions of other people do every day. So what makes these photos so special? Someone actually sent them in! So, all you have to do is take a picture and send it in! Tell us who you are and what the picture is of (yes, even our experts canÕt tell sometimes!). Just remember, we wonÕt give you your photo back. ThatÕs not because we canÕt, but because weÕre too cheap to pay for postage. BEST PHOTO OF A SUCCESSFUL TRAFFIC SITUATION So do you feel lucky? Well, do ya? Then Ziedel Bifok, U. of Higher-Elbonia send those damn photos in or weÕll print ÒWe sat on the bench and didnÕt get hit by a car.Ó photos of youÉ
BEST PHOTO OF AN ACID FLASHBACK BEST PHOTO EVOKING THE BEST PHOTO OF A PROSTITUTE Bill Clinton, The White House MEMORY OF A BEAT POET Smeth Schmack, Hei U. ÒI was a college kid too, you knowÉ Anonymous ÒLady of the AfternoonÓ but I did not inhale.Ó ÒJack KerouacÕs Wet DreamÓ Cool! Wo w ! Visit an Actual, Bonified Web-Site! http://beatrice.clarku.edu/wombat/entrance.html (Yes, itÕs been bonified by actual priests!) DonÕt forget your web browser!
April 1, 1997 ¥ U. Putz Magazine 11 MUSIC SHOULD BE MORE THAN SOMETHING YOU LISTEN TO IT SHOULD BE A WAY OF LIFE
Believe it or not, people are judged by the music that they listen to. Just as you might rank on someone who was wearing a non-polo polo shirt, someone may look down on you because of that no-longer-listened-to David Hasselhoff CD that your mother bought you after she caught you masturbating to Baywatch. In order to make a strong first impression, it is important to identify yourself as a member of a popular social category through the music that you own. When you join the brand new Social Identity for Beginners music club, we make it easy for you to trick people into thinking that youÕre someone that you just arenÕt. All you have to do is check off the box for the image that you want to present, and weÕll handle the rest. You will get eight CDs that reflect this social commitment, and you will only be billed for twelve CDs. Best of all, there is no commitment to remain in the club, and after the six-year, 96-CD legal obligation you are free to quit at any time.
Here is a partial list of the exciting people you can be! (for best results, only check off one box)
■ Trendy Eurotrash (Underworld, Prodigy, Orbital) ■ Wacky Freak (TMBG, Devo, Ween) ■ Pseudo-punk (Green Day, Rancid, Ramones) ■ Sex Kitten (Madonna, R. Kelly, Prince, Spice Girls) ■ Sensitive artistic type (lots of bands that no one’s ever heard of) ■ Neo-hippie stoner (Phish, Blues Traveler, uh… Phish) ■ Goth (The Cure, Bauhaus, Marilyn Manson, NIN) ■ Pissed off feminist (Ani Difranco, Liz Phair, L7) ■ (Sub-) Urban Dweller (Beastie Boys, Ice-T, Sublime) ■ Contemporary Jock (Van Halen, Aerosmith, Beastie Boys) ■ Grungy pierced type* (Nirvana, Soundgarden, Jane’s Addiction) ■ Modern Adult (Phil Collins, Michael Bolton, Janet Jackson) ■ Mellow Cool Guy (too cool to listen to rock music)
*(Note: previously “The Headbanger”) ✁
SEND CHECK FOR A LOT OF MONEY TO: Flybynight Disks Box 1467 Ae, IO U1010