BOY MEETS GIRL
DIALOGUE LIST
Prepared For: Eric Schaeffer Bramacharia LLC 2475 Palisade Ave. #3C Bronx, NY 10463
The Script Specialists 15303 Ventura Blvd. Suite 900 Sherman Oaks, CA 91403 (818) 380-3090
April 29, 2014 BOY MEETS GIRL
1:00:20 MAIN TITLE BOY MEETS GIRL
1:00:29 TITLE SEVEN YEARS AGO
1:01:00 TITLE NOW
1:01:02 ROBBY Come on, Ricky! Let’s go swimmin’ before it gets too chilly.
1:01:05 RICKY Some of us have to work for a livin’.
1:01:06 ROBBY And normal people get Sundays off.
1:01:08 RICKY Well, some of us normal people have to work seven days a week to save money. And besides, you need to start workin’ a little harder to keep me interested in hangin’ out with you. Watchin’ you troll for girls, while barely tolerable in high school, has officially lost its last little bit of luster.
1:01:21 ROBBY Hey, hey! I just invited you to go swimmin’.
1:01:23 RICKY Yeah, euphemistic for watchin’ you text at the swimmin’ hole, as opposed to the coffee shop. And, besides, it’s pointless. You’ve dated every girl in the state of Kentucky.
1:01:34 ROBBY I mighta missed one. And, please, yo-you spend as much time trolling for dudes as I do trolling for girls.
1:01:40 RICKY (scoffs) Yeah, but, unlike you, I’m not just lookin’ for sex. I wanna find love, get married. I haven’t even found one good guy who doesn’t wanna just get in my pants. Maybe I should date girls. How bad could it be?
1:01:55 ROBBY I’m a fan. Check one out and see how you like it.
1:01:59 RICKY At least she’d be sweet. And considerate. And emotional. Not just a dog, like all y’all.
1:02:06 ROBBY Hey, I am very fond of every one I go out with, regardless of how long the relationships last. Now, you know, sometimes likin’ someone isn’t enough and you gotta break up. Kinda quickly. But it doesn’t make me a bad
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guy.
1:02:22 RICKY No, just a guy.
1:02:29 RICKY (to Francesca) Hey, how’s it goin’? What can I get ya?
1:02:33 FRANCESCA You have the prettiest hair. (chuckles)
1:02:34 RICKY Oh, well, thank you.
1:02:36 FRANCESCA I always wanted to try those straight-across bangs like that.
1:02:38 RICKY Yeah, and you know I’ve always wanted to try wearin’ a big ole sparkly engagement ring like that.
1:02:44 FRANCESCA (chuckling) Yeah, well, you know the grass is always greener, I guess. (chuckles)
1:02:50 RICKY So…?
1:02:51 FRANCESCA (gasps) Oh! Right. May I please have a double latte caramel frappuccino, please.
1:02:56 RICKY Sweetheart, Starbucks is on Montague Street. We sell coffee here.
1:03:02 FRANCESCA Oh, right. Um, well, may I have…
1:03:06 RICKY Tread lightly now.
1:03:08 FRANCESCA (chuckles) Um, a ca- cappa…
1:03:13 RICKY Cap…?
1:03:16 FRANCESCA Chino?
1:03:18 RICKY Yes, you may.
1:03:23 FRANCESCA So, you’ve never been married or engaged, even?
1:03:27 RICKY Mm-mm. No.
1:03:29 FRANCESCA I’m sure you have plenty of suitors.
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1:03:30 RICKY I mean, I do, but most of ‘em I’m not really attracted to and the ones I have been always seem to get cold feet.
1:03:35 FRANCESCA (sighs) Oh, God, men. The very thing they want most is the very thing they’re most afraid of.
1:03:41 RICKY Ain’t that the truth.
1:03:42 FRANCESCA Commitment.
1:03:43 RICKY Dick. Oh, well, I mean that, too, but it’s a distant second.
1:03:54 FRANCESCA Uh, I’m sorry. Did you say what I think you just said?
1:03:57 RICKY Mmm, that commitment’s a distant second?
1:04:00 FRANCESCA No. Before that.
1:04:02 RICKY That men want dick but are afraid of it.
1:04:06 FRANCESCA Okay. (laughing) Apparently you did.
1:04:09 RICKY Two-fifty, please. Thank you.
1:04:15 FRANCESCA Do you- do you have a lot of guy friends confide this in you? I-I mean how do you know that they’re telling you the truth and not just messin’ with you?
1:04:22 RICKY ‘Cause if I weren’t, I’d have a big ole gorgeous ring on my finger by now.
1:04:27 FRANCESCA I don’t follow. (sighs) That’s my mom. We’re late for church.
1:04:35 RICKY Oh, I understand.
1:04:38 FRANCESCA It was real nice talkin’ with you.
1:04:40 RICKY And you.
1:04:43 FRANCESCA (chuckles) I’m Francesca, by the way.
1:04:51 RICKY Ricky.
1:05:56 ROBBY (sings) Ricky and a rich girl sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
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1:05:03 RICKY Oh, fuck off.
1:05:04 ROBBY Hell, why not? She was sexy as hell.
1:05:07 RICKY (scoffs) In that kinda way.
1:05:09 ROBBY What kinda way?
1:05:10 RICKY Oh, come on. You’ve lived here your whole life, too. You know those kinda girls.
1:05:13 ROBBY Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me get this straight now. You are gonna judge her because of the kinda family she may or may not come from?
1:05:20 RICKY Does come from. Rich, Republican, debutant.
1:05:22 ROBBY (overlapping) Oh, you are unbe- You-you-you want peop- no, you demand people judge you by the content of your character and nothin’ else, yet you’re gonna dismiss her? Because of what, what kinda family she comes from?
1:05:33 RICKY It’s different.
1:05:34 ROBBY Not at all! She was sweet and respectful and friendly and liked you.
1:05:39 RICKY And anyway, that girl –
1:05:40 ROBBY I mean what more could you want from your first girlfriend experience?
1:05:42 RICKY She’s not a lesbian.
1:05:43 ROBBY How do you know?
1:05:44 RICKY And even if she were, she would not go for a girl like me.
1:05:47 ROBBY Why not?
1:05:49 RICKY You know.
1:05:51 ROBBY No, I really don’t, why?
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1:05:52 RICKY Oh come on, now you’re just bein’ an idiot.
1:05:53 ROBBY No, really, Ricky, why couldn’t she be into you?
1:05:55 RICKY Because I’m not –
1:05:56 ROBBY Republican?
1:05:57 RICKY You know what I was gonna say.
1:05:58 ROBBY Look, Ricky, maybe she won’t care. I mean there’s only one way to find out.
1:06:01 RICKY You know, that really isn’t something I just go surprisin’ people with, out the blue.
1:06:04 ROBBY Oh, really? Hey, what about that, uh, Halloween incident when we were little.
1:06:09 RICKY See, now that was different. He had it comin’, fucking pervert.
1:06:13 CREEPY MAN Hey, Cinderella, trick or treat?
[SCREAMING]
1:06:24 YOUNG RICKY Trick. Police! Help!
1:06:32 ROBBY Thank God I was there to protect you.
1:06:35 RICKY Yeah, tough guy. I’ve never seen someone run so fast.
1:06:37 ROBBY Nah, it’s true. That douche bag scared the shit outta me. But that was the only time I ever ran from a fight for you.
1:06:45 YOUNG ROBBY Leave her alone.
1:06:46 MEAN KID That’s a boy, not a girl. You are a boy. You are a boy.
1:06:49 YOUNG RICKY Didn’t your father just die?
1:06:56 ROBBY Yeah, that’s true. You didn’t really need me. Anyone came after you left in tears.
1:07:00 RICKY Well, I always appreciated your gallant efforts.
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1:07:03 ROBBY Well, when you turned sixteen somethin’ happened. I don’t know, but you really didn’t need me after that.
1:07:09 DUDE #1 Why you so into Ricky?
1:07:10 DUDE #2 ‘Cuz he’s gay.
1:07:11 YOUNG ROBBY Shut up!
[LAUGHTER]
1:07:13 DUDE #2 Fine, whatever you’re into man, I’m just sayin’.
1:07:16 YOUNG ROBBY I’m not- I’m not gay. I just like her. You - it’s nice to have a conversation about more than Pamela Anderson’s tits every once in awhile.
1:07:22 DUDE #3 Really? Why?
[LAUGHTER]
1:07:26 DUDE #1 It’s cool. It’s cool. If you wanna bring a dude to the football game who dresses like a girl then you –
1:07:36 RICKY Hey, guys.
1:07:37 DUDE #2 (overlapping) Hi.
1:07:38 DUDE #1 (overlapping) Hey.
1:07:38 DUDE #3 Hey, Ricky.
1:07:41 ROBBY You look great.
1:07:42 RICKY Oh, thanks. Um, so you sure it’s okay I tag along to the game?
1:07:47 DUDE #1 (overlapping) Yeah.
1:07:47 DUDE #2 (overlapping) Yeah. It’s fine.
1:07:48 DUDE #3 (overlapping) Absolutely.
1:07:49 RICKY Something happened when I turned sixteen?
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1:07:52 ROBBY Yeah, somethin’ happened.
1:07:53 RICKY And, uh, what was that somethin’ that happened, Robby? What? Why are you rollin’ your eyes? I’m fascinated by this somethin’ that happened.
1:08:05 ROBBY Mm.
1:08:06 RICKY Is it that I suddenly got hot? Is that the somethin’ that happened?
1:08:10 ROBBY Ew, come on, you’re like my sister.
1:08:12 RICKY Hey, no!
1:08:13 ROBBY Hey, come on, just a sip!
1:08:14 RICKY (overlapping) No!
1:08:15 ROBBY (exhales) All right, well, fine. You go ahead and judge a book by its cover, hypocrite, but don’t look now because here she comes.
1:08:22 FRANCESCA Hi!
1:08:24 RICKY Hey.
1:08:25 FRANCESCA Oh, my God, what a coincidence.
1:08:27 RICKY I know, right?
1:08:28 FRANCESCA I love that bathing suit.
1:08:30 RICKY Oh.
1:08:31 FRANCESCA It’s so classic. Where did you get it?
1:08:33 RICKY Um, well I made it, actually.
1:08:35 FRANCESCA Wha- You did not.
1:08:38 RICKY Yeah, um, that’s my real job. I’m a designer.
1:08:42 FRANCESCA You are? Well, why aren’t you in, um, uh, New York or
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Paris or somethin’ like that? Our Fashion Week is kinda non-existent, obvi.
1:08:53 RICKY Well, hopefully I’ll be goin’ to fashion school in New York this fall. I’m just kinda waitin’ to hear back.
1:08:58 FRANCESCA God, that is so exciting.
1:09:00 RICKY Thanks.
1:09:01 FRANCESCA Wow. (laughs)
1:09:05 RICKY So, um, how do you know about this place?
1:09:09 FRANCESCA Oh, well, my daddy used to take me here when I was little.
1:09:13 RICKY You grew up here?
1:09:14 FRANCESCA Mm-hmm.
1:09:14 RICKY Well, I thought I knew everybody in this town.
1:09:16 FRANCESCA Surprise. (chuckles) I went away to boardin’ school when I was five and then I was just really around for the holidays.
1:09:23 RICKY What about summers?
1:09:25 FRANCESCA Abroad.
1:09:26 RICKY Oh. Of course.
1:09:30 FRANCESCA He’s cute. Is he your boyfriend?
1:09:33 RICKY (chuckles) No. Uh, we’ve been best friends since, like, first grade. He works in my dad’s garage.
1:09:39 FRANCESCA What, and nothin’ ever happened? Not even once?
1:09:42 RICKY No, he- he doesn’t like tra –
1:09:46 FRANCESCA Like…?
1:09:48 RICKY Girls like me.
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1:09:50 FRANCESCA Girls like you. Okay, what’s not to like about you? You’re gorgeous, funny, smart.
1:09:54 RICKY Well, thank you. But, he, uh –
1:09:58 ROBBY (shouts) Tell her! Tell her.
1:10:00 RICKY Drown, you loser!
1:10:01 ROBBY Hypocrite!
1:10:02 RICKY I swear on my mother, I will swim out there and drown you myself if you don’t shut it!
1:10:06 ROBBY (singsong) I’m just sayin’.
1:10:09 FRANCESCA (chuckles)
1:10:09 RICKY I’m so sorry about him.
1:10:11 FRANCESCA Oh, (scoffs) no need to apologize. But I am tellin’ you it is clear as day that that boy has a crush on you, regardless of what he says.
1:10:20 RICKY So, uh, what’s your fiancé do?
1:10:23 FRANCESCA (inhales) He’s in Afghanistan. He’s a marine. Just one more tour and he’ll be home for good in the fall and then we’ll get married in the spring.
1:10:31 RICKY Oh. So, uh, just a few more months to live it up, huh?
1:10:35 FRANCESCA (laughs) Yeah, I’m- I’m not really like that.
1:10:40 RICKY Like what?
1:10:42 FRANCESCA Like someone who does things she’s always wanted to for fear of life lived with regret will be far worse than a life with experimentation that has some great joys but some skinned knees as well.
1:10:55 RICKY You clearly haven’t thought much about it.
1:10:58 FRANCESCA (chuckles) No. I’m just a normal girl.
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1:11:08 RICKY (exhales) Okay, so there is one main reason why, even if he did like me like that, we still couldn’t be anything more than friends.
1:11:18 FRANCESCA Mm-hmm, and what’s that?
1:11:22 RICKY Well…
1:11:23 FRANCESCA Tell me. (chuckles)
1:11:25 RICKY (clears throat) Okay. What’s your number?
1:11:28 FRANCESCA Why?
1:11:29 RICKY Just, please.
1:11:32 FRANCESCA Uh, eight-five-nine-five-five-five-seven-six-two-four.
1:11:49 FRANCESCA Oh. Who the heck is…?
1:11:53 RICKY It’s me.
1:11:54 FRANCESCA Oh! (chuckles) How excitin’. (laughs)
1:11:57 RICKY (chuckles)
1:12:18 FRANCESCA No. But… No! (laughs) Wow! May I ask you a question?
1:12:32 RICKY Yeah, sure.
1:12:37 FRANCESCA So where did you- like where did you get it? I mean who gave it to you?
1:12:45 RICKY What?
1:12:45 FRANCESCA Y-your, um…
1:12:48 RICKY (gasps) Oh! Well, um, God, I guess? When I was born.
1:12:55 FRANCESCA Oh, my- okay, so biologically you were born –
1:12:59 RICKY A boy.
1:13:02 FRANCESCA (laughs) Well, um, so, uh, do you like it?
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1:13:10 RICKY My…?
1:13:12 FRANCESCA Yeah. (chuckles)
1:13:13 RICKY Oh! Yeah, I mean I do, it’s just I wish I’d been born a genetic girl. I do plan on gettin’ the full surgery someday. It’s just so expensive. But, for now, I might as well just dance with the one that brung me, right? And it’s not really about hatin’ my body, so I’ve learned to live with it.
1:13:33 FRANCESCA And do you- do you like keep it a secret that you..?
1:13:38 RICKY Oh, no, no, no. I am completely comfortable with who I am, and I like to make sure everybody else in my life is, too. So, you know, whether it’s a boy, or like you, a new friend, um, if for any reason it should or does come up, I mean, I just get it right out in the open.
1:13:58 FRANCESCA Well, we are new friends, aren’t we?
1:14:01 RICKY I think so. As long as, you know, you don’t go fallin’ in love with me or anything.
1:14:04 FRANCESCA (laughs) Well, right back at ya!
1:14:09 RICKY (overlapping) You idiot, my hair!
1:14:09 FRANCESCA (overlapping) Oh, God, it’s cold! Ah!
1:14:12 ROBBY Robby, how do you do?
1:14:14 FRANCESCA Francesca. Charmed, I’m sure.
1:14:18 ROBBY So, you new in town?
1:14:20 FRANCESCA Uh, yes and no.
1:14:21 RICKY (overlapping) She grew up here, but then went off to boardin’ school. Now she’s back and waitin’ for her handsome marine to come home so they can get married.
1:14:27 ROBBY Oh, cool. Who’s your fiancé?
1:14:28 FRANCESCA David Applebee.
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1:14:31 ROBBY No.
1:14:31 FRANCESCA Oh, you know him?
1:14:33 ROBBY (chuckles) Oh, yeah, I know him. We went to high school together.
1:14:36 FRANCESCA Wait, so do you know him, too?
1:14:37 RICKY I don’t think so.
1:14:39 ROBBY Of course you do. It’s that kid who kept tryin’ to knock you out in pee-wee football.
1:14:42 RICKY Really?
1:14:43 FRANCESCA He did that? Y’all just seem so nice. I would feel bad if he was ever mean to you either of you. (chuckles)
1:14:49 RICKY Hey, he’s fightin’ for our country. He’s cool by me.
1:14:51 FRANCESCA Thank you.
1:14:53 RICKY You be nice to our new friend.
1:14:55 ROBBY Come on, now, I’m always nice.
1:14:58 FRANCESCA (shrieks) Ah! Oh, my God!
1:15:00 RICKY Stop it.
1:15:04 RICKY You’re gonna get it, Robby.
1:15:06 ROBBY Come on, now. Whoo!
1:15:20 SAM AS BARBIE DOLLS (high-pitched voice) Help us! Help us! The sharks are coming!
1:15:27 SAM AS ARMY ACTION (deeper voice) The Fourth Division of the Fighters of the FIGURE Republic will save you.
1:15:31 SAM AS BARBIE DOLLS (high-pitched voice) Hurry! Hurry!
1:15:39 SAM AS BARBIE DOLLS (high-pitched voice) You’re incredible. Our hero. (kissing
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noises)
1:15:44 SAM AS ARMY ACTION (deeper voice) Really, there’s no need for that. And FIGURE besides, I’m not allowed to kiss on duty anyway.
1:15:50 SAM AS BARBIE DOLLS (high-pitched voice) Well, when do you get off duty?
1:15:51 SAM AS ARMY ACTION (deeper voice) Um, right now! (kissing noises) FIGURE
1:15:57 RICKY Are you corruptin’ that army man again?
1:16:00 SAM It didn’t come. I already checked. You’ll get accepted. I know it!
1:16:04 RICKY Thanks, kiddo.
1:16:11 HANK Now don’t worry, honey. Vera Wang’s got nothin’ on you.
1:16:14 RICKY Vera Wang does wedding gowns, Dad. I don’t wanna do wedding gowns.
1:16:18 HANK All right, well, you know, Betsy Johnson then.
1:16:21 RICKY She went bankrupt. I mean she’s back now, but I don’t wanna go bankrupt.
1:16:25 HANK You wanna give your old man a break? I’m a mechanic for cryin’ out loud.
1:16:27 RICKY (chuckles) I’m sorry, Dad. I am very impressed with your fashion acumen.
1:16:32 HANK All right, you tread lightly now.
1:16:34 SAM What’s acumen mean?
1:16:36 HANK Well, it means that I have a- a wealth of deep and insightful knowledge about many things. In this case, about the fashion world that your big sister’s about to reinvent.
1:16:49 SAM I have pie acumen.
1:16:52 HANK (laughs) Indeed you do, Son. Indeed you do. (chuckles)
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1:17:11 FRANCESCA (on Skype) Hello, Baby. (blows kiss)
1:17:14 DAVID (on Skype) Ah, I miss you, Baby Doll. So how’s everythin’ goin’ at home?
1:17:19 FRANCESCA (on Skype) Well, I am gettin’ my dress tomorrow.
1:17:22 DAVID (on Skype) Oh, you’re gonna look just like an angel. (chuckles) You know, those probably the one thing civilized about these Arabs, saving themselves for marriage. Just like you, Baby. My virgin angel.
1:17:35 FRANCESCA (on Skype) God, stop! (laughs) Oh! Hey, uh, I made some new friends today and they say they know you.
1:17:42 DAVID (on Skype) No way.
1:17:43 FRANCESCA (on Skype) Yeah.
1:17:44 DAVID (on Skype) Well, who?
1:17:45 FRANCESCA (on Skype) Uh, Robby Riley? Uh, and his friend Ricky?
1:17:50 DAVID (on Skype) The tranny?
1:17:52 FRANCESCA (on Skype) Don’t call her that.
1:17:53 DAVID (on Skype) You hung out with them?
1:17:55 FRANCESCA (on Skype) Well, she’s just like any other normal girl. I mean she’s just like me.
1:17:59 DAVID (on Skype) Okay, seriously, you’re gonna make me puke now you keep talkin’ like that.
1:18:03 FRANCESCA (on Skype) Well, she said since you’re fightin’ for America and all that you’re all right in her book.
1:18:07 DAVID (on Skype) Yeah, well, I ain’t fightin’ for the America that fucking thing is part of!
1:18:19 FRANCESCA (on Skype) I just miss you, Baby. I can’t wait ‘til you’re home. Ninety-three more days.
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1:18:26 DAVID (on Skype) Yeah. Well, I gu-I guess I should be goin’.
1:18:31 FRANCESCA (on Skype) Oh, yeah. I love you. Be careful.
1:18:36 DAVID (on Skype) (sighs) I love you too, Baby.
1:19:16 RICKY (sighs)
1:19:17 ROBBY Really, Ricky, don’t worry about it.
1:19:19 RICKY I’m not worried, I’m just annoyed. They should be growin’ faster by now. I’ve been on hormones for, like, seven years and they’re still just A-cups.
1:19:26 ROBBY Yeah, but guy-guys don’t care about that shit. Seriously.
1:19:28 RICKY Yeah, well as soon as I can afford it I’m gonna get implants.
1:19:30 ROBBY No, but-but it’s, (sighs) Ricky, it’s not the size, okay? It’s the- it’s the shape, it’s the feel, it’s the- it’s the buoyancy.
1:19:37 RICKY You don’t know what buoyancy means.
1:19:38 ROBBY The cute little tits are just so sexy, okay? They feel great, they’re wonderful. I- those-those big ole fake balloons fuckin’ thing –
1:19:44 RICKY (overlapping) I wouldn’t get anything like that. Just nice, small elegant C-cups.
1:19:49 ROBBY (scoffs) I-I wouldn’t. Really.
1:19:54 RICKY Don’t you peek, now.
1:19:55 ROBBY Yuck. As if.
1:20:00 RICKY (chuckles) Okay, Sam, you can come back in. Is that one gonna work?
1:20:09 SAM I think so. Who’s that from?
1:20:13 RICKY New girlfriend.
1:20:14 ROBBY Who?
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1:20:15 SAM Invite her over.
1:20:16 ROBBY Well, who is she? This new girlfriend?
1:20:19 RICKY None of your business.
1:20:20 ROBBY Shut your mouth.
1:20:27 FRANCESCA Hi, may I come in?
1:20:28 RICKY Of course, hey!
1:20:30 FRANCESCA Hi. (chuckles)
1:20:33 RICKY Wow. You look really cute. (chuckles)
1:20:39 FRANCESCA Well, thank you. (chuckles) Hey, Robby.
1:20:42 ROBBY Hey.
1:20:44 FRANCESCA And who is this?
1:20:46 RICKY This is my little brother, Sam. Sam, this is Francesca.
1:20:49 SAM Hi.
1:20:49 FRANCESCA Well, hello, Sam. Nice to meet you. Now don’t tell me you made that, too.
1:20:55 RICKY Yup.
1:20:56 FRANCESCA Wow. (laughs) Oh, um, hey, uh, do you think I can use the ladies room real quick?
1:21:02 RICKY Uh, yeah, it’s down the stairs to the left. Yeah.
1:21:04 FRANCESCA (overlapping) Okay. Do you have an extra tampon? I swear I thought I brought one. Please?
1:21:18 FRANCESCA (CONT’D) (chuckling) Oh, my God. Silly me! You have a YouTube channel! So how many subscribers?
1:21:29 SAM Eleven hundred.
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1:21:30 FRANCESCA Get out! You are famous!
1:21:32 RICKY Hardly. Daily Grace has a few million.
1:21:35 FRANCESCA Do you know all you need is one celebrity to wear one of your designs and you’ll have a couple million in no time.
1:21:39 ROBBY Well, I’ll leave you ladies to it.
1:21:43 FRANCESCA Oh, I-I’m-I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean to chase you off.
1:21:45 RICKY Oh, no, he has his man-whoring to do anyway. The sun’s down.
1:21:49 ROBBY No, that’s not true. I was actually havin’ fun hangin’ out with you but, uh, you know, whatever.
1:21:54 FRANCESCA Oh, I can leave. It’s no problem.
1:21:55 RICKY (overlapping) Robby, I’m gonna kill you. Tell her you’re kiddin’.
1:21:56 ROBBY (overlapping) All right, I’m-I’m just givin’ you a hard time, Francesca. I gotta go anyway.
1:21:59 FRANCESCA (overlapping) (laughs) You sure?
1:22:00 ROBBY Eh –
1:22:01 RICKY Yes, he’s sure!
1:22:01 ROBBY Yes, I’m positive. You ladies have fun. I’ll talk to you later. Keep it real, Shortcake.
1:22:06 SAM Later, Riley.
1:22:07 ROBBY Mm-hmm.
1:22:10 FRANCESCA So, what do you do? On your channel?
1:22:14 RICKY Well, um, here. Sam?
1:22:16 SAM Good to go.
1:22:18 FRANCESCA Wha- Oh!
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1:22:18 RICKY Hey, everybody, it’s Ricky again, and I have a very special guest. This is my fabulous new friend Francesca Duval. Say hi to all your new fans.
1:22:26 FRANCESCA Hi!
1:22:27 RICKY So, Francesca’s wearin’ an adorable little summer outfit. It’s not too slutty, I mean, sexy, and not too prim. Just right. So, those are Diesel Skinny jeans?
1:22:37 FRANCESCA Oh, uh, mm-hmm.
1:22:39 RICKY And, uh, looks like you’re rockin’ your own patriotic look with a fabulous graphic tank from, I wanna say, Free People?
1:22:47 FRANCESCA Right again!
1:22:48 RICKY And the hottest wedges. Sam, the cameraman, can you please pan down to show those.
1:22:50 FRANCESCA (overlapping) Oh!
1:22:52 RICKY What are they? I wanna say are they Guess?
1:22:54 FRANCESCA Good guess! (laughs)
1:22:57 RICKY Fabulous! The whole thing, very, very put together. Now for those of my viewers who can’t afford to spend five hundred dollars on a casual Sunday out-with-the-girls, Sam, cover your ears, “Not even tryin’ to get laid,” outfit.
1:23:09 FRANCESCA Uh, how do you know I’m not tryin’ to get laid? (laughs)
1:23:11 RICKY (chuckles)
1:23:13 SAM Can I uncover my ears now?
1:23:14 RICKY & FRANCESCA (in unison) No!
1:23:16 FRANCESCA I’m just kiddin’. (chuckles) I’m, uh, I’m savin’ myself, of course, for my darlin’ fiancé who is in Afghanistan.
1:23:22 RICKY Really? How virtuous. See, gents, old-fashioned girls do
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still exist and they can be fun and sexy and you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. I mean, unless you’re just interested in the cover, which, in my case, is perfectly all right.
1:23:34 FRANCESCA (laughs)
1:23:34 RICKY Okay, I’m just kidding. No hos in the house tonight.
1:23:37 SAM (loud voice) Now?
1:23:38 RICKY Yes, baby, it’s fine now. Where was I? Oh, right, okay. So for those of you more on a budget, I’ve thrown together this little bit of a mutt. It’s a mix of spring and summer because it’s still a little chilly at night. I made this geometric patterned dress I paired with a skinny black belt, lace tights, and the black flats and for a little added warmth I have this black cardigan. It’s a jumble of stuff, but I feel like it works, right? Mm-hmm?
1:24:01 FRANCESCA Oh, totally! Yeah, you don’t wanna go out with too little and suddenly be caught with a chill. Comfortability before vanity.
1:24:09 RICKY I don’t think so.
1:24:10 FRANCESCA Oh, no. (chuckles) Look, I would walk a mile in six-inch stilettos that turn my feet into bloody stumps if they were Manolos. (chuckles)
1:24:17 RICKY Truth. All right, tune in next week for my latest outfit. Let’s give a big round of applause for my fabulous guest, Francesca Duval.
1:24:24 FRANCESCA Thank you. I had a blast.
1:24:26 RICKY And for my always handsome and dapper cameraman, Sam. Stay sexy, freaks.
1:24:33 FRANCESCA Oh, that was so much fun! (laughs)
1:24:34 RICKY (overlapping) So much fun.
1:24:36 HANK Time for bed, Little Man.
1:24:38 SAM Dad! It’s early!
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1:24:40 HANK Bed!
1:24:41 RICKY Come on, kiddo. Go brush your teeth. I’ll tuck you in.
1:24:44 FRANCESCA Good night, Sam.
1:24:46 SAM Bye.
1:24:52 FRANCESCA God, he’s so cute. (chuckles) I’m gonna go to the bathroom now. (chuckles)
1:24:59 RICKY Yeah, sure.
1:25:00 FRANCESCA Okay.
1:25:05 FRANCESCA (laughs)
1:25:22 FRANCESCA (exhales)
1:25:23 RICKY Hey!
1:25:23 FRANCESCA Hey.
1:25:24 RICKY Everything okay?
1:25:25 FRANCESCA Oh! Yeah. Just false alarm. I’m so sorry about the whole, uh, (chuckles) tampon thing earlier. You know, you’re just, you’re so much like a –
1:25:36 RICKY You are so fine. No, really, I mean it’s not even the first time that it’s happened. My own doctor gets mixed up about it and he’s had my junk in his hands.
1:25:44 FRANCESCA (laughs)
1:25:45 RICKY I’ll go in for my medication and he’ll be like, “So we’re giving you testosterone, right?” And I’ll be like, “No, estrogen? I’m tryin’ to be a girl here?”
1:25:51 FRANCESCA (laughs)
1:25:59 FRANCESCA What bathroom do you go in?
1:26:01 RICKY Well, now I use the women’s room. But back when I was
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eight and nine and it was like the boys against the girls…
1:26:05 FRANCESCA Mm-hmm.
1:26:06 RICKY The boys would go to one side, the girls would go to the other and I’d be stuck in the middle and end up on the sideline with the kid on crutches.
1:26:11 FRANCESCA Oh.
1:26:12 RICKY I changed out in the boys’ locker room though, until my breasts started growin’ in when I was like fifteen and then the school just kinda gave me an excused permanent pass from gym. They just figured it would be easier that way.
1:26:23 FRANCESCA Well, how cool were you? A lifetime, “Get Outta Gym,” card.
1:26:27 RICKY Stop.
1:26:28 FRANCESCA How old’s your brother?
1:26:30 RICKY He’s eight. Our mom died when he was one, so I’ve kinda been the only girl in his life. More of a mom than a sister, really.
1:26:39 FRANCESCA How’d your mom die?
1:26:41 RICKY Cancer.
1:26:46 FRANCESCA I’m sorry.
1:26:47 RICKY It’s okay.
1:26:50 FRANCESCA Is your family supportive?
1:26:52 RICKY Yeah. My dad actually bought me my first Barbies when he realized when not havin’ an interest in football wasn’t gonna be fixed by just replacing it with baseball. (chuckles)
1:27:00 FRANCESCA (laughs) So I-I guess that means you’ve never been with a girl, right?
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1:27:09 RICKY Mm-mm.
1:27:10 FRANCESCA Hmm. Not even once, by accident? (laughs)
1:27:16 RICKY (laughs) No, I-I can’t say I’ve ever accidentally tripped and fell while sportin’ a boner and landed in a woman’s vagina.
1:27:24 FRANCESCA (chuckling) Oh, my God.
1:27:25 RICKY (laughs) I can be clumsy, but I’m not that bad.
1:27:27 FRANCESCA (laughs)
1:27:32 RICKY I, um, I did almost kiss a girl once, though. On a dare, I seem to remember. But I chickened out.
1:27:45 FRANCESCA Well, I’ve never kissed a girl either, so, I guess we’re even. (chuckles)
1:28:00 RICKY Look, I don’t- I don’t wanna be a bad influence. I respect the sanctity of marriage.
1:28:06 FRANCESCA Engagement.
1:28:07 RICKY That too.
1:28:09 FRANCESCA And I don’t wanna have any regrets. I wanna live out loud, like you do.
1:28:16 RICKY It comes with a pretty big price tag.
1:28:18 FRANCESCA Not as big a price tag as the alternative.
[KISSING]
1:28:59 FRANCESCA (whispering) I’m sorry.
1:29:02 RICKY Francesca, wait! Francesca, wait!
1:29:07 SAM I brushed my teeth. Are you gonna tuck me in?
1:29:11 RICKY Yeah, pumpkin. Head upstairs. (sighs)
1:29:30 RICKY (sighs)
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1:29:39 SAM I’m glad you have a new friend.
1:29:41 RICKY Me, too. Now get some sleep.
1:29:46 SAM It’s okay that I like to play with toy soldiers and play football, right?
1:29:51 RICKY What, honey?
1:29:52 SAM I’m not weird because I’m a boy and I like to have my marine guys rescue Barbie dolls and not the other way around?
1:30:00 RICKY We girls always have to do the rescuing, regardless of how it looks, but that’s a lesson for another day. Listen… (exhales) you are perfect in every way, sweet boy. You’re normal and there is nothing wrong with you, okay? However and whatever toys you wanna play with is fine. You’re supposed to do what makes you happy, okay?
1:30:29 HANK What would make me happy is if a certain little man was asleep right now.
1:30:32 SAM Love you, Dad.
1:30:34 HANK (chuckles) Love you.
1:30:46 RICKY (sighs)
1:30:47 HANK (exhales)
1:30:50 RICKY What?
1:30:53 HANK You didn’t get that from me, is all.
1:30:57 RICKY Yes, I did.
1:31:54 SAM Come on.
1:32:01 RICKY (sighs)
1:32:02 SAM It’ll come tomorrow.
1:32:09 RICKY All right. Ham and cheese, coffee black. Just make sure
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he eats it.
1:32:13 ROBBY Mm-hmm. Hmm.
1:32:21 RICKY So, Francesca kissed me last night.
1:32:24 ROBBY What?
1:32:25 RICKY She’s much deeper than she appears at first blush. And she’s got a big heart. I like that.
1:32:32 ROBBY What do you mean she kissed you? Where? When?
1:32:34 RICKY In my room, after we made the video. I don’t know, it just kinda happened.
1:32:40 ROBBY Wha- and-and what- what happened after you kissed?
1:32:43 RICKY She ran away. It was adorable.
1:32:47 ROBBY You know, you really shouldn’t mess around with her. I mean she has a fiancé. Marines are nuts. They kill people for fun.
1:32:53 RICKY I ain’t scared of him. And anyway, I’m not a home wrecker. It was just one innocent kiss. I’m sure it won’t happen again.
1:33:01 ROBBY Yeah, I’m sure.
1:33:02 RICKY (chuckles) Come on! It’s not my thing. You know that. But a little healthy exploration, I mean, that’s what your early twenties are for, right?
1:33:09 ROBBY (exhales)
1:33:12 RICKY But, um, just in case it should happen again, maybe if one thing leads to another…
1:33:19 ROBBY Yeah?
1:33:22 RICKY What’s it like? I mean, like, okay, so what would you, um, what-what would I- Well, what’s one supposed to do?
1:33:30 ROBBY Oh! Oh, Jesus. Oh, here we go.
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1:33:32 RICKY Well, I mean, come on, I have no one else to talk to about this.
1:33:40 ROBBY (sighs) Okay, uh, what do you- what do you wanna know?
1:33:44 RICKY Okay, so, you know the, um, the-
1:33:49 ROBBY Dick?
1:33:50 RICKY On a genetic girl!
1:33:51 ROBBY Oh, the va-jay-jay.
1:33:52 RICKY Oh, my God, you do not watch the Kardashians.
1:33:55 ROBBY I loves it.
1:33:56 RICKY Has my coming out to girls really inspired you, baby?
1:33:57 ROBBY Please.
1:33:58 RICKY Only gay boys watch those girl shows.
1:34:00 ROBBY Oh, yeah, ‘cuz what straight guy would wanna watch hot sisters and best friends mess around with each other half naked and then makin’ full-on porn tapes? That is- that is so gay.
1:34:07 RICKY Anyway, (sighs) I hear it’s very, um, it’s very complicated. You know, the vaj, with all its various fluids flowing at different times. There’s- there’s the period, the wetness during sex, so, okay, so like, I mean, does it start out wet? Or-or do I have to get it wet? Well, wait, does she get it- wait- how does it get wet?
1:34:31 ROBBY Are you fuckin’ retarded right now?
1:34:33 RICKY Robby! It’s not easy for me to talk about these things. Just tell me.
1:34:38 ROBBY (exhales deeply) Okay, well… I mean you start makin’ out, you know, like you would with a guy.
1:34:45 RICKY And then?
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1:34:46 ROBBY Okay, well you-you know how-how you get, like, aroused…
1:34:53 RICKY Right.
1:34:54 ROBBY She will, too.
1:34:57 RICKY And that’ll make her wet?
1:34:59 ROBBY Right.
1:35:01 RICKY Okay. Is it tight like an asshole –
1:35:05 ROBBY (overlapping) Okay! Okay! Google time.
1:35:06 RICKY Robby!
1:35:06 ROBBY No, no, no, confused gay chat rooms or something, seriously!
1:35:08 RICKY (overlapping) Don’t be a baby about it, just tell me!
1:35:14 ROBBY No. No, it probably won’t be as tight as a… (softly) No.
1:35:22 RICKY Really? And how would you know?
1:35:25 ROBBY (scoffs) I just know, okay? All right, look, can we- come on, all right? I gotta get back to work. Where were we?
1:35:31 RICKY Tightness.
1:35:32 ROBBY Right. (sighs) No, it-it-it-it won’t-it won’t be as tight as (chuckles) but it will be (sighs) very, um, warm and, uh, like, gushy.
1:35:49 RICKY Ew.
1:35:50 ROBBY But, like, in the most amazing possible, you know, warm, gushy way. I can’t believe I’m havin’ this conversation. Look, just try it, okay? Just-just-just get in there and-and let nature take over. I mean, you know, even though you’re a hot chick and everything, the other part of you has millions of years of DNA slammin’ down on you, instinctively lettin’ you know how and where to stick it
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and-and what the fuck to do with it and afterwards you’ll make your own assessment.
1:36:14 RICKY Okay, okay.
1:36:15 ROBBY I gotta be done with this conversation, really, that’s all I’m gonna say about it.
1:36:18 RICKY Okay, thank you. (sighs)
1:36:20 ROBBY I’d just like to enjoy the last part of my break in peace.
1:36:22 RICKY Hey, really, Robby, no, thank you so much. I really do appreciate your help. Thank you.
1:36:27 ROBBY You’re welcome.
1:36:33 RICKY (sighs) Does it really smell like fish?
1:36:35 ROBBY Goodbye.
1:36:35 RICKY ‘Cuz I don’t think I’d be able to handle that.
1:36:37 ROBBY You’re not a well person.
1:36:38 RICKY Look, I’m not sayin’ it does or anythin’, but how am I supposed to know? She smells really good! It was somethin’ I liked about her.
1:36:47 FRANCESCA Who smelled really good?
1:36:49 RICKY Hey.
1:36:51 FRANCESCA Were you talkin’ about me?
1:36:53 RICKY Yeah, but, you know, he’s my best friend. He won’t- he won’t tell a soul. I –
1:36:57 FRANCESCA No, it’s okay. I trust you.
1:37:02 RICKY You dropped this.
1:37:05 FRANCESCA Oh. I’m, uh, (chuckles) I’m sorry about last night. Runnin’ away like that was so childish of me. I guess I was just a little bit caught off guard.
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1:37:21 RICKY It’s totally fine. I was, too.
1:37:25 FRANCESCA So… my daddy’s havin’ another one of his parties and, um, I was hopin’ that you might be able to help me find a dress?
1:37:35 RICKY Okay.
1:37:37 FRANCESCA (softly) Okay.
1:37:47 FRANCESCA You smelled really good, too.
1:37:58 RICKY (exhales deeply) (chuckles softly)
1:38:13 FRANCESCA Yeah, see, I have all these dresses. This is one of the biggest problems livin’ in a small town.
1:38:19 RICKY One of the biggest problems? It doesn’t even crack my top ten.
1:38:23 FRANCESCA I like livin’ in a small town. It makes me feel safe.
1:38:27 RICKY It makes me feel claustrophobic. I can’t wait to get outta here.
1:38:31 FRANCESCA Really?
1:38:32 RICKY Are you kidding? New York? I was born in the wrong body and the wrong town. There really are no dresses here. Come on.
1:38:44 FRANCESCA Whe-where are we goin’?
1:38:46 RICKY Target.
1:38:48 FRANCESCA Um, yeah, I-I’m the least snobby seemingly snobby person I know, but really, I just- I don’t think I can wear a dress from Target.
1:38:56 RICKY Oh, my God, I would never have you wear a dress from there.
1:39:01 FRANCESCA Thank you.
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1:39:03 RICKY But I would have you wear a dress that I make out of a tablecloth from there.
1:39:10 FRANCESCA Hmm.
1:39:25 FRANCESCA I hate that I’m so short. (chuckles) I wish I was tall like you.
1:39:30 RICKY What are you talkin’ about? You’re like the perfect height. And besides, boys like girls who are shorter than them anyway.
1:39:37 FRANCESCA (chuckles)
1:39:38 RICKY You’re gonna rock this outfit.
1:39:41 FRANCESCA Well, we don’t dress cute for boys. Who cares if they like the outfit?
1:39:45 RICKY Yes, but we do undress for them. And we care what they think then, right?
1:39:49 FRANCESCA (chuckles)
1:40:02 FRANCESCA Are you a virgin, too?
1:40:03 RICKY Yeah. I mean, with girls.
[KISSING]
1:40:53 RICKY (exhales) Look, I shouldn’t be the one to…
1:40:55 FRANCESCA (whispers) It’s okay, I want to.
1:41:00 RICKY I don’t think it’s right.
1:41:02 FRANCESCA No, it’s okay. Really.
1:41:05 RICKY It’s not okay by me. Look, (exhales) you’re a virgin. You’re about to be married. Your husband should be the one to…
1:41:12 FRANCESCA I lied. (sighs)
1:41:15 RICKY What? You…
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1:41:17 FRANCESCA I lied. On your show. (sighs) I mean I’ve lied to everyone about it. (sighs) There was this one time when I was fifteen and drunk at boardin’ school, so it’s not like the specialness of the first time on my wedding night will be, uh, all that special. (scoffs) I mean not for that reason, anyway.
1:41:43 RICKY But your fiancé thinks…
1:41:46 FRANCESCA Yeah. And I’m okay with that. Look, every girl has their secrets.
[KISSING]
1:42:03 RICKY (sighs) I don’t wanna be a mood killer or anything but we should probably be responsible, have the talk.
1:42:10 FRANCESCA Oh! Yeah, um, well it was just that- it was just that one time and-and he used a condom. You?
1:42:18 RICKY Yeah, just once. He used a condom.
1:42:23 FRANCESCA Okay. (chuckles) (kissing) I’m not on the pill.
1:42:31 RICKY Nothing comes out anymore.
1:42:34 FRANCESCA Really? I-I mean does it (clears throat) does it feel good?
1:42:41 RICKY Yeah. (chuckles)
1:42:42 FRANCESCA (chuckles)
1:42:42 RICKY Just nothing, um, so you can’t get pregnant.
1:42:47 FRANCESCA Mm.
1:42:47 RICKY (breathlessly) Yeah.
1:42:51 FRANCESCA So you can’t have babies?
1:42:54 RICKY Not from my… no.
1:42:59 FRANCESCA Do you wanna have babies?
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1:43:01 RICKY Absolutely. Someday.
1:43:07 FRANCESCA You’re so sweet.
1:43:26 FRANCESCA (whispers) You’re so soft. Just like… like…
1:43:29 RICKY A girl?
1:43:30 FRANCESCA (chuckles) Yeah. (pants) And it’s so hard, just like a…
1:43:39 RICKY A boy?
1:43:40 FRANCESCA Yeah. (chuckles)
[PANTING & KISSING]
1:44:19 RICKY Do you need to get that?
1:44:21 FRANCESCA Uh, (chuckles) no.
1:44:28 RICKY (sings) I kissed a girl and I liked it.
1:44:33 FRANCESCA (chuckles) You did a little more than just kiss me.
1:44:38 RICKY (chuckles)
1:44:41 FRANCESCA Hmm. Oh.
1:44:46 RICKY Everything okay?
1:44:48 FRANCESCA Mm-hmm. Yeah. Was it, um… was it fun?
1:45:03 RICKY (chuckles)
1:45:03 FRANCESCA (chuckles) As fun as when you were with a boy?
1:45:11 RICKY It was different. Very different. But, but still very nice.
1:45:28 RICKY And you?
1:45:31 FRANCESCA It was kind of unbelievable, to tell you the truth.
1:45:37 RICKY Good.
1:45:43 FRANCESCA I’m curious, I mean does this- does this make me gay?
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1:45:50 RICKY I don’t think so.
1:45:53 FRANCESCA Bi-curious?
1:45:57 RICKY I don’t know.
1:45:59 FRANCESCA Well, it has to make me somethin’.
1:46:02 RICKY Human?
1:46:07 FRANCESCA (laughs)
1:46:07 RICKY (laughs)
1:46:16 ROBBY It makes her a lot more than just human.
1:46:19 RICKY Oh, really? Well, uh, what are the definitions since you seem to be so clear of what Francesca is and isn’t?
1:46:27 ROBBY Straight’s a penis going into a vagina.
1:46:28 RICKY So I’m straight?
1:46:30 ROBBY No.
1:46:31 RICKY Well, I put my penis in a vagina last night.
1:46:32 ROBBY Which I still can’t believe, but, uh, yeah, okay, no, by-by doin’ that you were straight.
1:46:39 RICKY Even though I have breasts?
1:46:40 ROBBY Yeah, whatever, you can have rhinoceros ears, but if you have a dick and you stick it in a vagina (chuckling) that- that’s straight sex, sister.
1:46:47 RICKY A lovely image, all right, so then what’s gay sex?
1:46:51 ROBBY Well, gay for a woman is when she rubs her vagina and breasts on another woman with a vagina and breasts.
1:46:57 RICKY Do they have to have rhinoceros ears?
1:46:58 ROBBY Oh, whatever they do. Y-you know, kiss, scissorin’.
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1:47:01 RICKY Ooh, look at you!
1:47:03 ROBBY Hey! I am knowledgeable in the arts of various sexual arenas.
1:47:07 RICKY Oh, please. You thank God for Glee every day or you’d still think scissoring was a mixed martial arts tap-out hold.
1:47:12 ROBBY (overlapping) All right, look, now, I’m a- I’m a- I’m a Gleek and I’m proud of it. But I knew about that before that episode.
1:47:17 RICKY Why does it even matter what you label as your sexuality?
1:47:19 ROBBY It doesn’t. Look, I could care less, okay? Whatever floats your boat. What do I give a fuck? But if you have a penis, I mean however it got on there, and you-you stick it in a butt of a person with-with another penis on theirself, that’s gay sex, okay? I mean I- you know, in that moment call yourself whatever you want.
1:47:39 RICKY So then you are a full-on straight dude.
1:47:41 ROBBY Yeah, you’re damn right.
1:47:42 RICKY Never bi-curious in the least.
1:47:44 ROBBY Not even a little.
1:47:45 RICKY Just love you some woo-woo and breastesses.
1:47:47 ROBBY All day long!
1:47:48 RICKY Yeah! Some good, clean, normal God-fearing American boy-meets-girl heterosexual sex.
1:47:50 ROBBY (overlapping) Mm-hmm. Mmm! Damn right, girl!
1:47:53 RICKY And during this good, clean, normal God-fearing American boy-meets-girl heterosexual sex, you ever like when a girl sticks her finger up your butt?
1:48:01 ROBBY Ricky!
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1:48:02 RICKY What, like that’s never happened to you?
1:48:03 ROBBY No! No, it has not.
1:48:06 RICKY Mm-hmm.
1:48:08 ROBBY (scoffs) I-I mean, I don’t know, maybe once. With a Jewish girl.
1:48:16 RICKY Okay, so, that-that one time with, “a Jewish girl,” did you like it?
1:48:22 ROBBY It was okay.
1:48:23 RICKY Uh-huh. One finger or two?
1:48:25 ROBBY I don’t- who can remember?
1:48:26 RICKY Two. Okay, so was that gay sex?
1:48:28 ROBBY (overlapping) (sighs) No!
1:48:29 RICKY Wha- Well, by your definition that’s somebody else’s body part goin’ up your, you know, so that makes it gay, right?
1:48:37 ROBBY Hold on, now. No. No! That- first of all, it-it’s- that’s not a man-member goin’ up my butt, it’s a finger –
1:48:42 RICKY Two fingers.
1:48:44 ROBBY Whatever! And it-it’s-it’s a girl’s fingers.
1:48:48 RICKY Pretty thick. And long. Two fingers, I don’t know, it’s-it’s sort of like, uh, hmm, a penis.
1:48:53 ROBBY (overlapping) (sighs) No! No. Nothing like a penis.
1:49:00 RICKY Interesting. So, it’s the material that the phallus is made of that determines whether it’s gay sex or not.
1:49:06 ROBBY Right.
1:49:07 RICKY And the sex of the person administering the phallus.
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1:49:10 ROBBY Correct.
1:49:12 RICKY Okay, I think I’m clear now.
1:49:13 ROBBY Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.
1:49:16 RICKY All right, I think this is her place. You can just pull over right there.
1:49:21 ROBBY Wow.
1:49:32 FRANCESCA Hi.
1:49:32 RICKY Hey!
1:49:35 FRANCESCA Hey, Robby. (chuckles)
1:49:36 ROBBY Hey.
1:49:37 RICKY Oh. Here you go.
1:49:39 FRANCESCA Oh! I am so excited! (chuckles) (gasps) Oh, my God, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it! Oh my G –
1:49:50 ROBBY (overlapping) Wow. Ricky, it-it’s beautiful.
1:49:52 RICKY Really, you like it?
1:49:53 ROBBY Yeah.
1:49:54 FRANCESCA Thank you so much! Thank you. Oh, hey! My mama said that you can come to the party tonight.
1:50:00 RICKY Oh! Well, I mean that’s sweet, but we- I kinda have plans with Robby. Horror movie night, Bella Lugosi, the original Dracula.
1:50:06 FRANCESCA Oh, well, Bobby, why don’t you come, too? Well, as her date (chuckles). And trust me, it’ll be just as fun and scary as a vampire movie, especially when Uncle Wally tries to help the little boys pee. Just kidding. Kinda. (chuckles) Please come? Please, please, please, please, please? Please?
1:50:29 RICKY Okay.
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1:50:29 FRANCESCA Yes! Yes!
[WALLA]
1:50:47 MALE PARTY GUEST The basic [unintelligible] that we have brought to the White House just doesn’t work. It’s gonna bankrupt the country, you can guarantee it. I mean what’s- think of the future of our children. They are not gonna be able to live creatively. They aren’t gonna have the funds –
1:51:03 FRANCESCA If y’all excuse me, um, it’s very nice talkin’ to you.
1:51:06 MALE PARTY GUEST Well, nice talkin’ to you, Madam.
1:51:11 FRANCESCA Hey! Hi. You look amazing.
1:51:17 RICKY Thanks. You look great.
1:51:18 FRANCESCA Thank you. (laughs) Hi, Robby.
1:51:22 ROBBY Hey.
1:51:23 FRANCESCA Oh, Mom. Um, this is Ricky. This is the one that made me this dress.
1:51:28 HELEN I am so happy to meet you, Ricky. I really can’t believe you made this. It is stunning!
1:51:33 RICKY Thank you.
1:51:34 FRANCESCA Um, this is Robby.
1:51:35 ROBBY Pleased to meet you, Ma’am.
1:51:36 HELEN Well, pleased to meet you, too, handsome, young Robby. The rich just keep gettin’ richer, am I right? Talented and a stud-muffin on your arm.
1:51:45 RICKY Well, thank you, but we’re just friends.
1:51:47 HELEN Well, you need to change that, my dear, ASAP. Anyone can see he is smitten with you. Don’t have cold feet. (laughs)
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1:51:54 RICKY (laughs)
1:51:55 DAYTON Who are your, uh, friends, Darlin’?
1:51:57 FRANCESCA Uh, this is Ricky.
1:51:58 RICKY Pleased to meet you, Sir.
1:51:59 ROBBY Robby Riley, honor to meet you, Sir.
1:52:01 DAYTON Thank you, Son. Are you old enough to vote? And if so, are you votin’ for me in the next election? (chuckles)
1:52:05 ROBBY Yes, and yes, Sir.
1:52:06 HELEN Come on, now. Keep the politics outta this. We are havin’ a party.
1:52:10 DAYTON Yes, we are. And it is a very special party indeed.
1:52:16 FRANCESCA Hmm?
1:52:16 DAYTON Uh, folks? Folks, can I have your, uh, attention please? For a moment?
1:52:19 FRANCESCA (overlapping) What?
1:52:24 DAYTON Um, as you know, my beautiful daughter Francesca is betrothed to a fine young soldier, David Applebee, who is fightin’ for our great country in Afghanistan.
1:52:38 FEMALE PARTY GUEST #1 Yes, Sir.
1:52:39 FEMALE PARTY GUEST #2 Yes.
[APPLAUSE]
1:52:43 FEMALE PARTY GUEST #3 Yes, Sir.
1:52:44 DAYTON Upon his return, they are to be wed in a most lavish of ceremonies.
[LAUGHTER]
1:52:52 DAYTON Now, the last year has taken a toll on her pretty smile,
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mopin’ around all day, only able to see David on the computer with the Facebook and Tweet and Skype, whatever it’s all called.
[LAUGHTER]
1:53:03 DAYTON (chuckles) And I simply couldn’t stand to have it anymore. It was draggin’ us all down. So, I made a coupla calls to some military friends of mine in the Pentagon who agreed that David had served our country proud in Afghanistan the last fifteen months and deserved to be stationed a little closer to home so he could spend some time with his fiancée before the wedding.
[GASPS, LAUGHTER & CHEERS]
1:53:24 FEMALE PARTY GUEST #4 Oh, my God!
1:53:33 FRANCESCA Oh, my God!
1:53:35 GUESTS Aw.
1:53:37 DAYTON Welcome home, Son.
1:53:39 DAVID Thank you, Sir.
[CHEERS]
1:53:46 ADULT LADY #1 So how do you all know Francesca? Were you away at school together?
1:53:49 RICKY Oh, no, I just met her in town. I went to school here, actually.
1:53:53 ADULT LADY #2 Oh, so you know David, her fiancé, then?
1:53:57 ROBBY Yeah, well, I do. We, uh, played football together.
1:53:59 RICKY I didn’t really know him.
1:54:00 ADULT LADY #1 (chuckles) God, high school in this town, who can survive it? (laughs)
1:54:04 ADULT LADY #2 (laughs) Isn’t that the truth? I was fat.
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1:54:06 ADULT LADY #1 I had terrible acne.
1:54:09 RICKY And I was a boy, so that sucked.
1:54:11 ADULT LADY #1 & ADULT (laughing) LADY #2
1:54:16 ROBBY Pardon us, ladies.
1:54:19 DAYTON I know you’re old enough to vote for me. The question is, are you gonna?
1:54:24 HELEN Oh, Dayton.
1:54:29 DAVID Hey, what’s the matter, baby? Aren’t you happy to see me?
1:54:34 FRANCESCA Why would you even ask me that? Of course, I’m happy.
1:54:38 DAVID I don’t know. You seem a little strange. And you missed our Skype date last night. That’s the first time in fifteen months I been gone?
1:54:48 FRANCESCA I know. I’m sorry, I just…
1:54:52 DAVID Where were ya? Your new best friend’s house? (chuckles) The tranny? (laughs)
1:54:58 FRANCESCA Okay, David, please don’t call her that. Her name is Ricky.
1:55:02 DAVID Hey, it’s a dude, not a she. Or maybe a she-male, or whatever, but definitely not a, “her.”
1:55:08 FRANCESCA Please be nice. She’s an amazing person. You don’t even know her.
1:55:12 DAVID So you were at his house. Makin’ another video with him?
1:55:22 FRANCESCA How did y- you know that?
1:55:24 FRANCESCA (on video) I’m savin’ myself, of course, for my darlin’ fiancé who is in Afghanistan.
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1:55:29 RICKY (on video) Really? How virtuous.
1:55:34 RICKY Maybe it’s time we got outta here.
1:55:35 ROBBY You think?
1:55:37 DAVID We could spot a pimple on a terrorist’s ass from three miles in the sky at night. Finding my fiancée doin’ a YouTube video with a tranny is a cakewalk. And not a very fun one when you’re imbedded with a hundred forty other soldiers in Afghanistan.
1:55:50 FRANCESCA It was a harmless video about clothes. She is an amazing designer- She-she made me this dress!
1:55:55 DAVID Yeah? Well, none of that matters to my guys. All they see is my girl hangin’ out with some sick freak. How could you do that to me? I’m the laughin’ stock of the U.S. Marines. And your father? Did you ever think what this could do to him?
1:56:12 FRANCESCA She is a transgender girl, David, not-not a-a terrorist.
1:56:16 DAVID Yeah? How can you be so sure? Seriously, Francesca, you need to stop hangin’ around with that thing. I mean we have a certain image to uphold.
1:56:27 DAYTON Indeed we do.
1:56:29 HELEN Who is the evildoer she has to stay away from? (chuckles)
1:56:33 DAVID Oh, I’m sorry, Ma’am, I (chuckles) I don’t wanna upset your nice party with this talk.
1:56:37 DAYTON Please, Son, we’re all family here. Speak freely. I’m more liberal than I appear.
1:56:41 FRANCESCA Oh, please, Daddy. You are so deeply in bed with the tea party you’d let Bill O’Reilly teabag you.
1:56:47 DAYTON Well, I don’t know what that means, but if it means I would enjoy a nice glass of iced tea with Mr. O’Reilly then yes, I would be more than happy to teabag with him.
1:56:56 HELEN Honey, don’t repeat that term again. That’s not quite
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what it means. We’ll talk about it later.
1:57:01 DAVID What has gotten into you? You’re not the same girl lately. It’s hangin’ around with that guy.
1:57:07 DAYTON What guy?
1:57:09 DAVID Tell him, or I will.
1:57:19 FRANCESCA He means Ricky. The girl who made me this dress.
1:57:22 HELEN Well, I thought his name was Robby, the boy she came with.
1:57:26 FRANCESCA Um, no, he’s Robby and she’s Ricky, but that’s not what David means, is it?
1:57:32 DAYTON Well, I thought they were both fine, young people with good heads on their shoulders. And that Ricky is quite a pretty young girl, to boot.
1:57:39 DAVID That’s not a girl, Sir. It’s a boy.
1:57:45 HELEN I think I’m confused, Honey. What is he talkin’ about?
1:57:48 DAVID It’s a transvestite. Or whatever. It’s a man below, but a girl up top, if you get my meaning, Sir.
1:57:55 DAYTON That black haired girl that made your dress, the one I met just the other minute?
1:57:58 FRANCESCA Yes, Father. Ricky.
1:58:00 DAVID He’s here? Now?
1:58:02 FRANCESCA (yells) Stop calling her that! She is a girl, God damn it! Get that through your thick skull! She is a girl!
1:58:07 DAYTON Francesca.
1:58:08 DAVID I will not call that faggot a girl.
1:58:10 FRANCESCA Fine. But she is as much a girl as I am and for the record, can make any girl as happy as she’d ever wanna be, in more ways than one.
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1:58:16 DAVID What’s that supposed to mean?
1:58:17 DAYTON Stand down, Marine, or I will snap you like a twig! That is my daughter, and she will keep company with any person she sees fit and you will treat her with respect or you will not be permitted in her presence. Is that understood?
1:58:22 DAVID (overlapping) (choking)
1:58:29 HELEN Dayton, let go! Let him go! Dayton!
1:58:32 DAVID (panting)
1:59:38 RICKY All right, a dollar does it. Thank you very much, and you girls have a great day.
1:59:41 FEMALE CUSTOMER Thanks, Ricky.
1:59:43 RICKY Hello, Ma’am. How can I help you?
1:59:44 HELEN I was just thinkin’ about havin’ a cookie with nu… Well, hello, Ricky. How are you?
1:59:58 HELEN Ooh, strong. (chuckles) I like that. And that’s why I like you, Ricky. You’re strong. A-a strong person, I mean.
2:00:09 RICKY Thank you.
2:00:10 HELEN My daughter is not so strong. She never has been. She’s a little fragile. She never has had her heart broken. Her life’s been pretty good.
2:00:23 RICKY And you think mine hasn’t?
2:00:26 HELEN Well, now, I didn’t say that. I know you have a lotta people who love you very much. That is plain to see. But I suspect, and forgive me if I am wrong, but I suspect that you’ve had your fair share of hard knocks that you’ve had to rise above to become the luminous young… lady that you clearly are. You don’t want Francesca. You have your eye on someone else. That is also plain to see to anyone. Let her down, sooner than later, please? (chuckles) I have no doubt that your affection for her is genuine, but we both know this is not a forever thing and she has a wedding to prepare for. One final word of
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advice. Beautiful women are the only women who get heard in this world. You have that goin’ for you, but should it ever come up, transgender just sounds so ugly. You’d be better off just tellin’ everybody you have a birth defect.
2:02:06 RICKY Thank you, Helen. Sage words, indeed. Is that what you tell people is your excuse?
2:02:23 RICKY (sighs)
2:02:49 RICKY (exhales)
2:03:23 DAVID Did you sleep with her?
2:03:24 RICKY It’s none of your business.
2:03:25 DAVID Don’t you walk away from me, freak.
2:03:26 RICKY (overlapping) Keep your hands off me. Fuck off, David.
2:03:28 DAVID Did you fuck my girlfriend?
2:03:29 RICKY A lady doesn’t kiss and tell. Why should I?
2:03:30 DAVID You are not a lady! (grunts)
2:03:35 RICKY (grunts)
2:03:37 DAVID I swear to God, if you had sex with my fiancée I will fuckin’ kill you.
2:03:44 RICKY You like bein’ on top of me, David? From what I can recall, you like bein’ on the bottom much more.
2:04:01 DAVID Did you tell her?
2:04:02 RICKY Course not. I mean she doesn’t even think I know who you are. Your secret’s safe with me. I’m great with secrets. Look, you took my virginity and to this day are the only man I have ever slept with, so no matter how much of an asshole you can be, you’ll always be special to me.
2:04:42 FRANCESCA David! David! Wha –
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2:04:49 FRANCESCA Did he hurt you?
2:04:51 RICKY No! No, he didn’t. No.
2:04:53 FRANCESCA (exhales) What is going on?
2:04:56 RICKY You should talk to David.
2:04:57 FRANCESCA I’m asking you what is going on!
2:04:58 RICKY You should talk to David.
2:05:05 FRANCESCA You haven’t been returnin’ my texts or my calls.
2:05:11 RICKY I’ve just had a lot on my mind the past few days. I-I’m sorry.
2:05:21 FRANCESCA You don’t wanna see me anymore, do you?
2:05:25 RICKY I like you so much.
2:05:27 FRANCESCA I know you do.
2:05:28 RICKY But…
2:05:33 FRANCESCA You do not need to explain.
2:05:34 RICKY And you wouldn’t want me anyway.
2:05:35 FRANCESCA Please don’t tell me what I want.
2:05:36 RICKY I can’t give you babies. I-I can’t –
2:05:38 FRANCESCA Please don’t tell me what I want. I wasn’t thinkin’ about the future. For once in my life I was just thinkin’ about right now. Here. (sighs) It’s amazing. Here. So electric. It’s a wonder more people don’t visit, here. But it hurts more, too. Here. I guess it’s just easier to just stay way over there with the marine, stay-at-home mom. (sighs) (chuckles) You are gonna do great things in New York.
2:06:51 RICKY I haven’t even opened it yet. I’m too scared.
2:06:54 FRANCESCA Oh, don’t be scared. You’ll get in.
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2:06:56 RICKY Thanks. We can still be friends, can’t we?
2:07:07 FRANCESCA Maybe someday.
2:07:10 RICKY Francesca…
2:07:12 FRANCESCA Don’t feel bad. You did nothin’ wrong. I’m so much better for havin’ known you.
2:07:30 FRANCESCA (sighs)
2:08:27 RICKY Who is it?
2:08:29 ROBBY It’s me.
2:08:30 RICKY What are you doin’ here?
2:08:33 ROBBY What do ya mean? It’s TV night. Can I come in?
2:08:39 RICKY Um, yeah. Yeah, sure, come in. (sighs)
2:08:52 ROBBY Hey.
2:08:52 RICKY Hey.
2:08:54 ROBBY How ya doin’?
2:08:55 RICKY I’m great. How are you?
2:08:58 ROBBY I’m fine. Heard you, uh, broke it off with Francesca.
2:09:09 RICKY How’d ya hear that?
2:09:11 ROBBY Well, it’s a small town. You’re you.
2:09:17 RICKY Yeah, well, guess that’s true, huh?
2:09:28 ROBBY You don’t seem very upset.
2:09:30 RICKY Course I am. I mean it sucks, but shit happens. Two people can like each other but it’s not always gonna be enough. So you gotta break up. Really quickly. Right?
2:09:44 ROBBY And that’s that?
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2:09:46 RICKY Yup. Pretty much. What else am I supposed to do? Mope around for a month? Screw that. And, you know, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let hormones get me all emotional about this, you know?
2:09:56 ROBBY (overlapping) You know, you can be as much of a bitch as any biological girl I’ve ever met. And by the way, it’s not true that men are the ones who cut and run. Girls are the ones who flip that switch and are onto the next. The real truth is we get our hearts broken and we stay crushed but… not you. That part of you is apparently all girl.
2:10:21 RICKY You know, Robbie, I’m sure I would get my heart broken if I really did care for someone and they left me.
2:10:27 ROBBY So you didn’t really care for Francesca? What-what- what- What was that, then? Just some, what, fun toy experiment?
2:10:35 RICKY No! No, she wasn’t! I was very fond of her! In spite of the fact that I’ve never been into girls, I honestly tried because I was so fucking fond of her. And no, you know what? I didn’t love her. When I figured that out, I cut her loose to be kind and why the fuck are you giving me such a hard time about this anyway?
2:10:52 ROBBY (overlapping) Because, you know, you skate through life all la-di-da, not a care in the world, when you leave bodies in your wake. You know, it’s like you think you’re exempt because you’re not a rea – (sighs)
2:11:05 RICKY ‘Cuz I’m not a real what?
2:11:09 ROBBY Whatever.
2:11:11 RICKY No. No, not whatever. Say it. Say it! “I think I’m exempt because I’m not a real what?”
2:11:19 ROBBY I’ll talk to you later.
2:11:20 RICKY No! Finish it! “I think I’m exempt because I’m not a real what?”
2:11:26 ROBBY (shouts) You’re not a real anything, okay? You’re not a real anything! You’re not a boy and you’re not a girl.
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2:11:39 RICKY (sighs) You’re right. I’m not a real anything.
2:11:49 ROBBY So wha- Ricky, neither are any of us. That-that-that-that doesn’t give you the right to be unkind! You know, you- you- you think you have the market cornered on feeling alienated? I mean shit, no matter what we look like or who we are, we’re all just stumblin’ through life trying to figure this shit out, just like you!
2:12:10 RICKY Yeah, but, you know, unlike me, you all have an, “us,” to figure it out with. My us (chuckles) it’s just me, Robbie. Try that some time. Lemme know how it works for you.
2:12:23 ROBBY No, no, no! See, there you go again! It’s all about you, isn’t it? (shouting) It’s always all about you! Have you forgotten that I have been on your side, only on your side, without condition, since we were six years old!
2:12:38 RICKY Of course I’ve never forgotten that, Robbie. And that’s why I’ve always trusted that you were the only person in this world that didn’t secretly feel this way about me. So now I guess my, “me,” just got even smaller, huh? No big deal, though. I’m used to it.
2:13:02 ROBBY Ricky…
2:13:03 RICKY No, really, everything is just fine. (sighs)
2:13:15 ROBBY Oh, what the fuck… Excuse me, Buddy.
2:13:17 SAM Will you look at somethin’?
2:13:18 ROBBY No, I got to go.
2:13:19 SAM Please! Please.
2:13:20 ROBBY (sighs) All right. Sam, what are you doin’, man. That’s Ricky’s. You shouldn’t be goin’ through people’s private things.
2:13:28 SAM I help her when she makes her fashion videos. I accidentally found this, but I was afraid to show Dad.
2:13:37 ROBBY Okay.
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2:14:10 ROBBY I thought your mom died of cancer.
2:14:11 SAM So did I.
2:14:32 SAM Wait, it’s not over!
2:14:39 ROBBY (panting)
2:15:08 ROBBY (sighs)
2:15:37 ROBBY (on phone) Ricky, it’s me. Please call me back, okay? Please. I’m sorry!
2:15:54 ROBBY Mike, Mike, you seen Ricky?
2:15:56 MIKE Not tonight.
2:15:57 ROBBY (panting)
2:16:04 ROBBY (screaming) Ricky! Ricky! Ricky! Ricky! (panting) Ricky! Ricky! (panting) Ricky! (panting) Ricky!
2:16:37 RICKY What’s all this shoutin’ about?
2:16:40 ROBBY Oh, my God! Oh my G- Are you okay?
2:16:43 RICKY Yeah, I told you I’m fine.
2:16:46 ROBBY (panting) I saw the, uh –
2:16:51 RICKY You saw what?
2:16:53 ROBBY I saw that video you- you made when you were younger. About your mother.
2:16:59 RICKY You hacked into my computer?
2:17:00 ROBBY No. No, Sam found it by accident. Don’t-don’t be mad at him. (panting) He was scared. I was scared.
2:17:09 RICKY Why?
2:17:12 ROBBY It seemed like- like you could hurt yourself.
2:17:15 RICKY Well, now you know all my secrets.
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2:17:19 ROBBY Ricky, why didn’t you tell me any of those things?
2:17:22 RICKY Because you’re my only friend, and if you thought I was crazy or something, I’d be all alone. I couldn’t risk it.
2:17:29 ROBBY Oh, I still woulda been your friend.
2:17:34 RICKY You be very careful right now, Robbie.
2:17:38 ROBBY And I’m so sorry for those things that I-I said to you, Ricky. I didn’t mean any of ‘em. You are not confused at all. You are the most unconfused person I know. And I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was completely jealous of Francesca. I mean, you’ve had crushes before, but (chuckles) nothin’ like that. You see, you look at someone else like that, it just (sniffles) it just made me crazy. You are so beautiful, Ricky.
2:19:05 RICKY You still think I’m beautiful?
[KISSING]
2:19:23 RICKY Are you scared? It’s okay if you’re a little scared. I’m a little scared.
2:19:28 ROBBY I’m not. I love you, Ricky.
2:19:34 RICKY It’s okay if you wanna ignore…
2:19:37 ROBBY I don’t want to ignore anything about you, ever again.
2:19:55 ROBBY Do you love me?
2:19:57 RICKY I’ve always loved you, Robbie. Since the day you ran away from that pervert I thought, “Now, that’s a keeper.” (laughs)
[KISSING]
2:20:12 ROBBY What do you want me to do?
2:20:15 RICKY Well, let’s start with…
2:20:25 RICKY How’s that sound?
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2:20:28 ROBBY Yeah, pretty-pretty good.
2:20:29 RICKY (laughs) But, uh, I swear to you, Robby Riley, if you smell like fish, I will vomit on you.
2:20:37 ROBBY (overlapping) Okay, mood killer. (laughs)
2:20:39 RICKY (laughs) Oh, I think you’ll recover just fine.
2:20:42 ROBBY You know, I don’t know, I mean I’m already just a little bit outta my comfort zone here and if you’re gonna start crackin’ (sighs) all right. (laughs)
2:20:52 RICKY (laughs)
2:21:25 ROBBY So did that, uh… did that feel good to you? Last night?
2:21:35 RICKY Yeah. You, uh, you’re amazingly good with your hands.
2:21:44 ROBBY Well, I’ve had a lotta practice.
2:21:45 RICKY (laughs)
2:21:46 ROBBY (laughs)
2:21:56 RICKY Are you freaked out?
2:22:01 ROBBY (sighs) Maybe a little, but it’s just because it’s so new, you know? I-I just… just never thought about… you know, before.
2:22:20 RICKY Do you regret it?
2:22:27 ROBBY How could I regret realizing I’m in love with the hottest girl in town? Who just so happens to be my best friend. Hmm? (kiss) (sighs)
2:22:52 RICKY I didn’t get into the Fashion Institute.
2:22:55 ROBBY I know. I saw that stupid letter. I’m so sorry. You’ll go to New York anyway.
2:23:04 RICKY Puttin’ out a clothing line takes a lotta money. I don’t even have enough to go to New York, let alone put out a
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clothing line.
2:23:11 ROBBY So you’ll get a job. Like millions of other aspiring artists do every year. And you’ll make your clothes on the weekends, just like you do now. I mean it –
2:23:22 RICKY I just don’t have it in me, Robbie. I know it seems like it doesn’t, but it… it takes so much for me to put a smile on my face and go out in the world every day. And that’s here, you know, where people know me. And like me. I’ll just stay here. And I got you now. Life wouldn’t be so bad. It was just a silly dream anyway. Most people give up on their dreams, you know? It’s not the end of the world.
2:24:39 FRANCESCA (sighs) I’m so sorry I cheated on you. (sighs) That was wrong. Of course, it was wrong. Can you forgive me?
2:25:09 DAVID Are you in love with her?
2:25:17 FRANCESCA I love so many things about her. But am I in love with her and do I see myself with her forever? (exhales) No, probably not.
2:25:39 DAVID Are you still in love with me?
2:25:44 FRANCESCA I am.
2:25:47 DAVID Can you still see a life forever with me?
2:25:58 FRANCESCA (whispers) I don’t know. (normal voice) I don’t like how you can hate. I mean I understand it has to be part of your job and your job protects us and it keeps us safe, and for that I’m forever grateful, and-and I think you’re heroic, but people like Ricky are not the enemy. There’s no reason to hate here. And I don’t know if you can ever change that part of yourself.
2:26:37 DAVID I slept with her.
2:26:41 FRANCESCA Wha- you slept with who?
2:26:45 DAVID Ricky. My sophomore year. Right before you and I started datin’, actually.
2:26:58 FRANCESCA What do you mean you slept with her?
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2:27:00 DAVID We did everything there is to do. So, no, I don’t hate her. And if you don’t hate me for doin’ it, it might go a long way towards me not hatin’ myself for doin’ it either.
2:27:18 FRANCESCA Of course I don’t hate you. (sighs) Hmm. How come you never told me? Right. (chuckles) And even Robbie never knew?
2:27:41 DAVID No one did. We were very careful.
2:27:50 FRANCESCA Did you like it? Do you wanna do it again?
2:27:58 DAVID I liked some things about it. But really I just liked her. A lot. But I wanted to be as close with her as possible, so one night I… we…
2:28:17 FRANCESCA Mm-hmm.
2:28:20 DAVID But, no, I-I’ve thought about it a lot, and I don’t need to do it again.
2:28:41 FRANCESCA How ‘bout this… how ‘bout we’ll postpone the wedding, not call it off, just (sighs) just postpone it for a little while. And get to know each other again. Starting now. (chuckles) The real us, not… not the, “us,” everybody told us we were. And then ask me again and, um, I’m pretty sure I’ll say yes.
2:29:40 RICKY Hold your horses, I’m comin’.
2:29:41 ROBBY Well, come on, now, you’re gonna be late for work. That’s gonna make me late ‘cause your dad’s waitin’ on me at a parts’ store in Otter Creek and he will not be happy. Let’s go!
2:29:52 JOE Let Ricky know she’s got some mail.
2:29:54 ROBBY All right, you got it, Joe. Thank you. Come on!
2:30:07 RICKY Okay. Let’s go. What? I thought we were in such a hurry. Let’s go.
2:30:14 ROBBY I don’t even get a kiss hello anymore? That’s it, a-after a week together, we’re just some old married couple, all the magic’s gone?
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2:30:19 RICKY Well, you know, if you’d gotten here on time, you might gotten more than just a little ole married couple kiss.
2:30:23 ROBBY Oh, really?
2:30:24 RICKY Yeah, you might have gotten a little ole married couple quickie BJ. But you missed your chance.
2:30:29 ROBBY (overlapping) (sighs)
2:30:32 RICKY Okay, but seriously, I can’t be late, let’s go.
2:30:35 ROBBY Don’t you think you should check your mail?
2:30:37 RICKY For what? No.
2:30:38 ROBBY Oh, I-I mean, you should check your mail.
2:30:41 RICKY That was kinda mean, actually.
2:30:43 ROBBY Well, now, wait a minute, I’m not being mean. I just, you know, I think you should just check your mail, that’s all.
2:30:47 RICKY Why? What’s goin’ on?
2:30:49 ROBBY Nothin’, Ricky, I ju- Look, Joe just came by, he put some… just check. Please?
2:31:00 RICKY (sighs)
2:31:20 RICKY What the –
2:31:22 ROBBY What is it?
2:31:52 RICKY Okay, what the hell’s goin’ on?
2:31:54 ROBBY Oh, somethin’ interesting?
2:31:55 RICKY What did you do? Why are people sending me money?
2:31:58 SAM Ricky, Ricky. Ricky, look.
2:32:00 JENNA MARBLES (on video) Okay, that’s it for today’s video. Before I go I wanted to talk to you about the outfit that I’m wearin’
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because I’m wearing a dress. What? Why? I know, because I like it. It was made by this girl named Ricky who is a fashion designer from Kentucky. She didn’t get accepted into some fancy New York fashion school and now she is discouraged about the fashion line that she wants to make eventually in her life so I am going to send one dollar bill to Ricky in helping with her to create her fashion line and I encourage you to do the same if you feel strongly about this. I think that she could be a really great designer and I wanna support that, so Ricky, here’s to you. And that’s the end of this video. Bye!
2:32:40 JOE Couldn’t fit it all in the truck. David and Francesca were kind enough to help.
2:32:46 RICKY (exhales)
2:32:50 FRANCESCA I hope you don’t mind. Well, it was Robbie’s idea but I thought if we maybe sent her the dress. Not that I didn’t love it, of course.
2:32:58 RICKY (chuckles)
2:33:02 FRANCESCA We wish you the very best of luck in New York, Ricky.
2:33:07 DAVID We really do.
2:33:09 RICKY Well, thank you.
2:33:14 HANK All right, there’s the last of it, I think. (groans) Oh, I’m so proud of you. I know that you always thought that she didn’t, um, you know, totally approve, but that’s something that you’d do well to let go of. You used to cry somethin’ fierce in the night, and the only thing that would soothe you was her whispering in your ear over and over, “You are perfect in every way, sweet boy.” She woulda said sweet girl if she could of.
2:33:56 RICKY I know that in my head, but –
2:33:57 HANK Well, know it in your heart. Because life is short. There ain’t no time to waste it on things that are not the truth.
2:34:10 RICKY I’ll try, Daddy.
2:34:13 HANK Yeah.
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2:34:23 RICKY Hey, kiddo, so you’re the man of the house now. You take good care of him, okay?
2:34:29 SAM I will. You should post that video.
2:34:32 RICKY Okay. Post it for me.
2:34:34 SAM I will.
2:34:37 RICKY I love you, Sweetheart.
2:34:38 SAM I love you, too.
2:34:39 ROBBY That’s great, man. Appreciate it.
2:34:41 HANK (sighs) That kid of mine’s been throwing me curveballs my whole life. But luckily, I play baseball.
2:34:49 ROBBY (chuckles)
2:34:52 HANK Take care of my little girl up there, okay?
2:34:54 ROBBY You know I will, Sir.
2:34:56 HANK All right.
2:35:12 RICKY (sighs)
2:35:14 ROBBY Are you ready?
2:35:16 RICKY What do you think?
2:35:18 SAM Bye. Dad, can I have her –
2:35:24 HANK Her room?
2:35:25 SAM No, the car.
2:35:26 HANK Yeah.
2:35:27 SAM Yeah!
2:35:29 HANK In about ten years.
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2:35:30 SAM Oh, man, come on.
2:37:35 END CREDITS
2:40:29 END OF PICTURE
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