Volume 42, Number 22 WEDNESDAY

APRIL 4, 2012

SERVINGTHE THE D RUTGERSAILY COMMUNITY MEDIUM SINCE 1970 Today: A Tad Breezy BARKING UP THE RIGHT TREE High: 40 Low: 69 Will the University be creating a dog racing team? Find out in today’s sports section! U. Officials Reconsider Stance on Yearly Festival BY AMY DIMARIA ing. EDITOR - IN - CHIEF “I think it really shows the Governors are open to student’s concerns,” said Clarke, a Despite cancelling Rutgersfest after a di- senior political science major. “Of course, a sastrous outing last year, the University’s lot of the responsibility will fall to the stu- Board of Governors has been meeting to dents as well to prove that this is an event discuss the possibility of reintroducing the worth having. I’m really interested to see event. what could happen with a second chance Following an open session meeting last like this.” night, Gerald Harvey, Vice Chair of the President Richard McCormick briefly Board said, “Rutgersfest has never been re- weighed in on the issue last night. moved from the table entirely. At this point “Cancelling Rutgersfest was not an easy it’s still just an idea for consideration.” decision for me. I put in a lot of consider- While still tentative, Harvey stated that ation and sought numerous opinions in the Rutgers could potentially hold the event as wake of the terrible events that occurred on early as the spring of the 2014-2015 school campus after the concert. The decision was BEN COOKS / ASSISTANT PHOTOGRAPHER year. made in haste and we should be open to Construction continues on the Livingston Apartments complex originally scheduled to Student representative to the Board, Kris- hearing personally from students who have ten Clarke was very encouraged by the meet- open in September of next year, but construction delays may push the occupancy to SEE RUTGERSFEST ON PAGE 7 mid-October. Livingston construction delays cause unrest among students BY KENNETH BROOKS representatives of the university and the New ASSOCIATE NEWS EDITOR Jersey Division of Codes and Standards. “During our inspection, we found that Some students expecting to live in the the materials being used in the stairways new Livingston Apartments next school year and hallways were not fire resistant,” said Ian are scrambling to making contingency plans. Blackwell, the university representative. “We An e-mail sent Tuesday afternoon recom- are doing our best to work with the con- mended that students plan alternate living struction company to ensure that this is fixed arrangements for the first month of next expeditiously so that we won’t inconvenience school year due to a few delays in the new our students.” building’s construction. Eduardo Negron, foreman of the project, “We do understand that this will cause does not see things going by as quickly as the problems for our students, however the situ- university desires. ation is out of our control,” said Joan Car- “We detailed all of the materials for con- bone, director of Housing and Residence struction beforehand and were approved,” STUDENT LIFE / FILE PHOTO Life. said Negron. “For them to now expect us Students cheer during a performance at last year’s RutgersFest. Due to demand, talks The delays are a result of a recent inspec- are under way to reconsider the importance of the event to the University community tion of the construction work carried out by SEE DELAYS ON PAGE 7 INDEX Professor honored for having the MEAL SWIPES MAY ROLL OVER UNIVERSITY SEMESTER TO SEMESTER longest continuous tenure BEGINNING THIS FALL Altria Corporation to After an open forum on budgets, including those distribute free ciga- PERSON OF THE WEEK of Dining Services, the university is considering rettes to students on changing its policy on student meal plans. Friday, despite protests BY BROOKE KELLY teaching a Topics in Marine The current practice is that students purchase a from officials. CORRESPONDENT Sciences section in 1995. block of meals before the semester starts and then When you walk into Dr. “The guy is a complete any unused meal swipes are terminated after the se- Charlie Forrest’s office in douchebag,” said Jennifer mester ends. the Marine Sciences build- Solnak, a School of Environ- This effectively leads to money wasted if students OPINIONS ing, you are immediately mental and Biological Sci- do not use exactly how many meals were originally overwhelmed by plaques, ences sophomore. “On the purchased. certificates, hi-tech office days he chooses to show up, Because of recent demand for change, Dining DR. CHARLIE Where have all the machines, and what he calls he talks about sports with Services has approved a new method of rolling over FORREST cowboys gone? ‘pretty snazzy furniture’. the bros in the front of the meal swipes to subsequent semesters. With a salary of over class for the whole time.” The meal block options currently available are: $170,000 per year and a list of commen- “Its not a science, to be honest,” re- 285, 255, 210, 150, 105, 75, and 50. Freshmen UNIVERSITY . . . . 3 dations from different university presi- sponded Dr. Forrest when asked how students living in a dorm are required to purchase dents and board members, you would he has kept his job. “The one way to get a 210 block or higher and upperclassmen students METRO ...... 7 imagine yourself fighting for a spot in your way is to get in their way.” living in a dorm are required to purchase a 105 his class. In reality, this is not the case. “I have stuff on people,” he continued. block or higher. OPINIONS ...... 8 Charlie Forrest, who began at the “Anytime they try to pull some disciplin- Because the current system of buying different University in 1970 teaching classes in ag- ary bullshit on me, I just do what I need DIVERSIONS . . . 10 block plans give different costs per meal, the roll- riculture at Cook College, has obtained to do to shut them up. It works so well, over change will effectively make each meal cost the a nickname amongst his followers as the I can say this shit in the god damned SPORTS . . . . BACK same flat fee. “Dr. BA”– a double meaning because he newspaper and not get any shit over it.” Although the flat fee of each meal is yet to be only teaches undergraduate courses, and University administrators have con- determined, meals purchased after the start of a is considered to be a badass. firmed these methods to work on them- semester will cost more than meals purchased in The students who aren’t followers of selves and their colleagues. advance before the semester begins. his would quickly nickname him “Dr. “I remember one time, he actually A sample of students polled revealed a positive ONLINE @ BS”.This name also comes with his- re molested a female student in 1999,” said reaction to the change, looking forward to a greater RUTGERS cord of 641 student complaints since Diana Simmons, an administrator who amount of flexibility for their dining options. he began his current instructional role MEDIUM.COM SEE TENURE ON PAGE 4 – Joseph Threlfall 2 A P R I L 4 , 2 0 1 2 DIRECTORY T HE D AILY M EDIUM WEATHER OUTLOOK NIPPLY WITCH’S TEAT VERY HARD NIPPLES

TODAY Its actually quite warm out, but we lost the weather templates. TONIGHT Listen, its 6:00 am and I couldn’t care less. Fuck off. THE DAILY MEDIUM 126 College Ave., Suite 439, New Brunswick, NJ 08901 84TH EDITORIAL BOARD AMY DIMARIA ...... EDITOR-IN-CHIEF SHANE WHELAN ...... MANAGING EDITOR JOEY THRELFALL ...... BUSINESS MANAGER JORDAN GOCHMAN ...... HEAD WRITER KAITIE DAVIS ...... NEWS EDITOR JOHN EBERHARDT ...... NEWS EDITOR PHILLIP LI ...... FEATURES EDITOR JIGGLE E. PUFF ...... OPINIONS EDITOR SARA EDWARDS ...... ARTS EDITOR STEVE TROULIS III ...... PERSONALS EDITOR BRIANNA PROVENZANO ...... PERSONALS EDITOR KENNETH BROOKS ...... WHATS SHAKIN’ EDITOR BEN GREEN ...... COPY EDITOR GOOGLE IMAGES ...... STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER KRISTEN CIGNAVITCH ...... WEBMASTER BARBARA REED ...... FACULTY ADVISOR CUBBY THE PUG ...... STAFF MASCOT BUSINESS DEPARTMENT KRUPA PATEL ...... STAFF EASY TARGET LEIF TORNBERG ...... STAFF CHILD LABORER STEWART HALLMAN ...... STAFF GOOFBALL MARIA FINELLI ...... STAFF TALENTED PERSON EHUD COHEN ...... STAFF APPARITION JAKE LEWANDOWSKI...... STAFF ALUMNI

Corrections PHONE: (732) 867-5309 Are you fucking kidding me? The Medium is pure BUSINESS FAX: Do People Even Fax? satire and we have never, ever taken ourselves seriously. If you really think that we believe in any of the jokes (let E-MAIL: [email protected] me repeat for clarity, JOKES), you’re completely full of WEB: www.RutgersMedium.com retard organs. Come to our meetings Wednesday nights MEET THE MAKERS OF THIS at 8 PM Check the paper for locations We are a comedic satiric publication and if you have a problem with us, read the Constitution of the United © 2011 Medium Publishing Co. States of America. The Medium is a student-written and student-managed, nonprofit WONDERFUL PUBLICATION! inwhoreporated newspaper published by our bare hands, circulation 3500. The Medium (USPS0000001) is published Wednesday in New Also, if you want to write for us, we meet Wednesdays Brunswick, NJ. Every part is able to be used for your dirty purposes. You in BCC 120A or 116 at 8:00pm. Show the fuck up. We Busch Student Center Room 120A 8:00pm silly little girl. don’t do this to please ourselves... every effin’ wednesday! Okay, maybe we do. What of it? THE DAILY MEDIUM

A PRIL 4 , 2 0 1 2 UNIVERSITY PAGE 3 CALENDAR OIT to impose new internet restrictions Technology office to add ‘parental control’ style firewalls and blockages APRIL BY OSWALDO SANCHEZ STAFF WRITER 5 April To decrease costs of internet ser- Career Services will be hosting an interviewing skills session vice, new download restrictions are at the Rutgers Student Center at noon. Come and learn how expected to be placed on Rutgers’ to not look like a complete idiot or asshole when you’re try- networks effective mid-April. An analysis conducted every ing to get a job. Kiss those asses and cash them checks! year categorizes downloads that are made on the various networks at the university, including RUWire- 6 April less, ResNet, and the computer The Edward J. Bloustein School of Public Policy will be labs. On average, over 600 thou- hosting “Future of the Electric Grid”, to show us how we are sand gigabytes are downloaded FILE PHOTO all going to be fucked within the next 20 years because we’re each month on these networks. The Office of Information Technology will soon be responsible for you “Surprisingly, almost three-fifths not being able to spank it to some of your favorite hentai sites. too reliant on electricity. of that number is what we catego- rize as non-essential,” said Stanley nographic websites and downloads blocking of pornography as being Lewis, director of the Office of In- will begin. detrimental to the health of those 9 April formation Technology. Faculty members who utilize who utilize it regularly. “National Student Employment Week” begins on April 9. Non-essential usage applies to such AV media for homework as- “We are supposed to put the Come to our kickoff event at the Rutgers Student Center as any items that are downloaded on signments see this as a roadblock to students first,” said Sharon Kin- we try to pass off your minimum wage salaries by serving the university system that do not what they will be able to do. sey, a health adviser at Hurtado have an academic purpose. This “I have my students watch Girls Health Center. “It is scientifically you cake and maybe pizza if we feel like it. includes movie, music, television Gone Wild for my course every se- proven that if someone is used to shows, games, and pornography— mester,” said Professor Amy Best, masturbating to pornography, and 10 April which accounts for 63% of non- who teaches the course ‘College you deny them of this, it can result essential usage. and Sexuality’ in the American in erratic behaviors which may be “Motivating Students” is actually intended for the instruc- The restrictions will ultimately Studies Department. “It’s hard to detrimental to their ability to suc- tional staff, but we encourage all to come by the RSC to con- block the download of any items discuss the topic of college sexual- ceed.” firm the functionality of the ridiculous motivation methods that would be categorized as non- ity without having the students see Further discussion is planned to discussed. Golden stars will be given out! essential. This block will go into examples.” take place over the summer after a full effect next school-year, but Additional opposition comes follow up analysis when the restric- within the next two weeks, por- from Health Services who sees the tions go into place. New Brunswick Parking Authority increases enforcement power with increased ticketing, ammunition BY SUM DUM JOO ous than others,” said Officer Juan- HEAD WRITER ita Cortes. “I want to feel safe any With parking problems through- time I have to put a boot on a car out New Brunswick, the organiza- in front of ‘The Hub.’” tion called upon to enforce parking Residents throughout New regulations will be taking the next Brunswick expressed concern, cit- step in its attempts to keep the city ing that this may result in increased streets under control. fines for parking tickets and the Starting Friday, the New Bruns- possible loss of limbs, particularly wick Parking Authority will be on late nights when residents give arming its parking security officers up trying to park in their own , valet parking representatives, and wards. parking garage fee collectors in an If the initiative is successful, the effort to create a safer atmosphere NBPA will further it by throwing for its employees. grenades at people who park on the PHOTO CREDIT: SUM DUM JOO “I find giving out parking tickets wrong side of the street during al- There were suggestions to add traffic enforcement horses as well, but previous bad events forced this plan in certain areas to be more danger- ternate side parking days. to be abandoned.

RUTGERS TO REQUIRE SWIPES ON EE, F BUS ROUTES

The director of the Department of Transportation Services, Jack Molenaar, an- nounced Sunday that beginning September 2012, all students boarding the EE and F bus lines will be required to swipe their student ID card before boarding. This new requirement came about as a result of student complaints regarding the large amounts of New Brunswick residents using the bus system, despite not be- ing Rutgers students. Card scanners will be installed on all EE buses, and if the system proves suc- cessful, will possibly also be included on the other lines. Students will be required to swipe at the front of the bus or will not be allowed to board. As a perk, stu- dents will receive a free meal swipe for every hundred bus rides taken. “Although we understand that many resident s may not have the income neces- sary to take public transportation,” Molenaar said, “the fact remains that they are getting a free ride at Rutgers’ expense. They are disturbing the peace and in some cases, even requesting spare change from students on the bus.” Students have mixed opinions on the new policy. “The university can easily afford to accommodate these people,” said Nicho- las MacNamara, a SAS freshman. “J&J and Pepsi give them more than enough money to spare these poor people a ride. Rutgers has a very homely atmosphere, and it should extend a helping hand to those in need.” Bob McBobbert, a SEBS senior, felt otherwise. “They are literally getting a free ride on our wallets,” he said. “Students pay through the nose to get an education, not to provide transportation for some bum on the street. If I wanted to get them to the liquor store, I’d have become a taxi driver.” Stan McNeil was unreachable for comment on the matter.

– UNDERAGE B& A P R I L 4 t h , 2 0 1 2 4 UNIVERSITY T HE D AILY M EDIUM TCNJ to merge with Medium staff writer fired for Rider, Brookdale CC, fabricating news story

BY THE IN-SHANE-IAK Cheney for last week’s issue. and alcohol abuse. Centenary JOURNALISM MAJOR When Wheeler was unable to While the bill is yet to be ratified provide the notes for DiMaria, she by a 2/3 vote of the paper’s current Rutgers’ second largest print immediately terminated him. staff, most people within the orga- publication, The Medium, has BY JERRY SIZZLER “This is an outrage and I’m em- nization believe it will pass. believed that its location way out- come under scrutiny from campus CORRESPONDENT barrassed,” said DiMaria. “We “I’m fucked,” said News Editor side compared to the rest of New officials after one of their staff writ- have just lost all our credibility.” John Eberhardt. Jersey’s population, would be most ers was found to be altering real Despite recent controversies It is uncertain how many news In addition to being relieved of convenient. No name has been news stories and publishing them. about the proposal made by Gov- stories Wheeler has fabricated in his duties at The Medium, Wheel- determined yet, but is available to “This is a serious problem,” said ernor Chris Christie to make the past but DiMaria estimated er is currently being investigated anyone if the price is right. President Richard McCormick. Rutgers-Camden a part of Rowan that the number is well over 25. by University officials for treason, Despite the mixed backgrounds “It’s a problem for the University University, the Christie adminis- She has also considered institut- grand larceny, and defacing public of the four colleges, Christie made and maybe an even bigger problem tration is moving forward. Fur- ing a new policy for all staff writers property with a mechanical semen it clear that this new institution for The Medium.” thermore, Christie is feeling bold that will aim to prevent any further rocket. will be 100% private. Staff writer Sean Wheeler was and has announced more changes credibility concerns. These charges are unrelated to Private Enterprise is more effi- discovered fabricating news articles to the higher education system in This new amendment to The his termination from The Medium. cient, and it’s pretty obvious to me when The Medium’s Editor-in- the Garden State, by merging The Medium’s constitution will require “I hope The Daily Targum that private colleges work better,” Chief Amy DiMaria asked him for College of New Jersey in Ewing, all staff writers, including editors, doesn’t pick up on this and ruin Exploded Christie, displaying the the notes he took when interview- Brookdale Community College in to undergo a urine test for drug our reputation,” said DiMaria. bold and strong leadership that we ing former Vice President Dick Lincroft, Rider University in Law- all know and love. “You pay more renceville, and Centenary College money, you get more in return. in Hackettstown, into one unitary Furthermore, we don’t have the Student sad that no one responded to his question on Sakai secondary institution. problems Rutgers has of horrible, “In order to make our State horrible public employees.” BY EASY BAKE OVEN robe and the Type of Material That to help me out,” continued Dave. more competitive, we must make The standards of this new- col STAFF WRITER is Used to Construct the Wizard Dave left Scott Hall on Mon- better colleges,” explained Christie lege will be reduced to make it SAS freshman Dave McDonnell Outfit.” day after taking his test with a sour in a news conference at Drumth- more competitive. Anyone who has become very “distressed” due After looking through his text- look on his face and breathing wacket. has ever heard of the SAT test will to problems on the Rutgers web- book, emailing his professor, and heavily. Students and the profes- “Now we can have the best of be admitted. site, Sakai. asking both Google and Wikipe- sor all began laughing at their April every world in one school: from Christie also announced that Last Sunday, Dave, who had dia, Dave decided to go on the Fool’s Day joke once Dave had left Rider’s Sacred Music program, to merger talks won’t stop there. spent last weekend dancing his Sakai chat room for the first time the vicinity. Centenary’s Therapeutic Riding Further preliminary plans are be- ass off at the Dance Marathon, re- to ask his question. After staring It turns out it was the professor Certificate to TCNJ Interactive ing made to merge Raritan Valley alized that he had a test the next at his monitor for several hours, he who set up this joke on Dave by Multimedia major, to Brookdale’s Community College, New Jersey day in History of Witchcraft and threw his Mac to the other side of asking other students not to answer associate degree in Auto Tech, City University, Caldwell Col- Magic. the room. his question in the chat room. many prestigious career paths can lege, and the Blair Academy. The “After wiping the sweat off my “What the hell is this? Why is “Guess who just got just a smi- now be taken in one place.” preliminary plan is to create the balls from all the hardcore dancing no one answering my question? ley face on RateMyProfessors.com? The new campus will be located snootiest university ever imagined I’ve been doing, I had to get back It’s not even something difficult. This guy,” said Professor Mark. at Centenary’s campus in Warren in history. to reality,” said Dave. “I didn’t un- I’m going to fail because I have to County, partially because of avail- derstand chapter 5: Wizard Ward- depend on a bunch of douche bags able land and partially because it is STUDENT ON BUSCH STILL THINKS THIS IS AN ISSUE OF THE TARGUM While a majority of the University ire, is currently sitting in Busch Dining of Victoria’s Secret.” out the ruse a few moments after he posts are enjoying the extremely clever antics Hall, reading the third page of this fabri- While other student were able to quick- an angry Facebook status concerning the of The Medium’s April Fool’s Day issue, cated parody of a University publication. ly discern the difference between the fake frustrating articles he has read. one lone student on Busch Campus is “I am really confused,” said Rifkin re- and real publication, Rifkin has still been not having any laughs. garding the issue. “The article about the unable to tell the difference. Mike Rifkin, an engineering student New Brunswick Parking Authority having “I feel real bad for all the kids on Liv- -Dan “Oman” Chog Jr. with a penchant for video games and a guns is making me concerned for the wel- ingston,” continued Rifkin. “They may not lack of understanding concerning the fare of the citizens of New Brunswick. And have housing at next semester.” difference between journalism and sat- I didn’t know that there was a male version Sources predict that Rifkin will figure

NEW BROWER RENOVATIONS TO INCLUDE HIBACHI GRILL

PHOTO CREDIT: SUM DUM JOO

Mama Brower, a famous face around the College Avenue campus, trav- eled to Japan and trained in Teppanyaki-style cuisine as part of prepara- tions for the installation of the hot Japanese griddles. Mama Brower learned to prepare traditional foods, juggle knives and make that flam- ing onion volcano thing everyone likes at Benihana. 5 T h e D a i l y M e d i u m A p r i l 4 , 2 0 1 2 Pendulum

What is your favorite alternative way Q: to use anal beads?

Quotable JENNY ANDERSON SAS sophomore “When I need something to “I use my anal beads spruce up my outfit, I just put on some anal beads as a necklace. I get so many comments about how pretty as a rosary to purge they are.”

the sins that they ERNEST CHUNG SOE freshman “I used them last week for make me commit.” my physics lab in my design of a trebuchet. ”

PATRICK HOLMES - SCHOOL OF ARTS AND SCIENCES FRESHMAN

CHUCK ADAMS By The Numbers SAS senior “I found a ball-in-cup game in my attic that I used to play with as a kid. The string broke and the ball was lost, but then I realized I could replace it with one of my 10 anal beads.” Average amount of beads TIFFANY HUANG SEBS sophomore on a string of anal beads “They are really pretty so I use them as cell phone charms. I have them in four different colors!”

PETER McHENRY 8.99 162.9 SAS senior Average price of “I only use them to stick up Current world record my ass. It’s the way that the anal beads good Lord intended them to for amount of anal beads be used.” inserted into an anus CAMPUS TALK CAMPUS BY POKEMON LEAF GREEN AND KCIG at one time

Online Response I use them as 42% hair accessories. They make a great cat toy. 35% Wind chimes. 14% Stress balls. 8% I use it to keep my baby 1% from teething.

This Week’s Question The University recently enacted a policy to ban the formation of opinions. What do you think? Cast your meaningless votes online at www.dailytargum.com WHICH WAY DOES RU SWAY? RU DOES WAY WHICH APRIL ‘12 MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 TOUR OF THE HISTORY OF SUPER FANTASTIC OCSA PRESENTS: FREE WAFFLES PRESIDENT PORN ULTRA EXTREME YOU MISSED OUT 9:00 AM MCCORMICK’S 6:00 PM FUN TIME! ON REAL COLLEGE MANSION LIFE All Student Centers Livingston Student 8:00 PM 3:00 PM - 4:30 PM 9:00 PM Hungover? Why suffer? Center - Room 201A Busch Campus Center Come to your nearest Rutgers Student Center Pornography has been Room 120A Clothier Dorm student center for Join the president and around for ages. Come Come and have the best Have you commuted some free waffles and his lovely wife Joan for and see the history time ever with some of for your entire college toppings to get you a small lunch and a behind one of the your favorite Rutgers career? OCSA will through your Friday tour of the President’s nation’s most profitable people! Please bring give you a chance to so you can party it up THROW YOUR HANDS UP AND Mansion. industries. your own bathtub toys experience what may again tonight! TESTIFY WITH THE POPE for best results! be your first and last April 15 - Livingston Student Center - 11:00 PM Thirsty Thursday on $20 with a RUID - Tickets available at the SAC KRUPA GENERAL WORLD RECORD campus without the risk INTEREST EVENT: TURTLE BUZZTIME TRIVIA of you driving home You down with P-O-P-E? Yeah, you know me! Come MEETING POWER MILLION DOLLAR drunk. $10 deposit and shake your ass with the holiest man in the SPECIAL modern world, Pope Benedict the 16th. Forget 8:00 PM 9:00 PM required for lodging 9:00 PM arrangements. sippin’ on gin and juice when you can sip on some Rutgers Student Center Louis Brown Athletic holy wine, guaranteed to get you into heaven! Room 439 Center Livingston Student Center - RutgersZone (We are not able to offer refunds for people who Because Indian chicks Be a part of history! do not get into heaven.) are hot and interesting. Help us break the world Who needs the Mega record for most people Millions Lottery? Why in one place wearing a not get paid for the turtleneck. First 200 tons of useless shit attendees will receive a you learned while complimentary sweater surfing Wikipedia during vest. your boredom! Get your smartest friends together for a chance to win tonight’s 1 Million Dollar Jackpot!

RUPA COMEDY NIGHT FEATURING THE HISTORY OF PORN April 3 - Livingston Student Center 201A - 6:00 PM NICK OFFERMAN (AKA RON SWANSON) Its hard to imagine a time where you didn’t have to download to dump your load. For one night only, students can come and see how EVENT CANCELLED people got off before the digital media age. Refunds are not being offered at this time (PLEASE NOTE - MASTURBATION IS NOT ALLOWED AT THIS EVENT, due to the money already being spent on next HOWEVER COMPLIMENTARY REPRODUCTIONS WILL BE AVAILABLE year’s presentation of Snooki and Her Baby. FOR YOU TO ENJOY AT YOUR OWN LEISURE!)

MATTSTACHE LIVE ONE NIGHT ONLY APRIL 6, 2012 @ 8PM

Check Us Out www.rutgersmedium.com facebook.com/rutgersmedium @rutgersmedium Online! T HE D AILY M EDIUM UNIVERSITY A P R I L 4 s t , 2 0 1 1 7 Drunk Jack Molenaar drafts plans for inter-campus gondola system Douglass Campus reports mass PMS

BY DOUGLASS DIVA Saturday night, action was taken STAFF WRITER at Nielson Dining hall the next day when special requests for a choco- With the semester in full swing, late spread were accommodated. first-year Douglass women at Kat- The ravenous Douglass women zenbach have acclimated to each indulged in the chocolate fondue, other’s schedules and cycles, literal- and the bowl of bon-bons was com- ly. Resident Assistants reached out pletely empty by six in the evening. to the Cook/Douglass Resident Thankfully, the chocolate took Life and Housing Office when an the edge off of the PMS parade, overwhelming majority of Doug- and emergency relief was bought lass women began PMSing simul- in from College Ave, Busch, and taneously last week. Livingston campuses to relieve the The uncontrollable whining, Resident Assistants who were com- crying, and bitching was simply plaining of exhaustion and fatigue too much for the Katzenbach staff after what they described as a week to bear, and was considered to be from hell. out of the scope of their training In response to the incident, Res- as Resident Assistants. There were BY KCIG es is the issue of traffic. If we just rently established bus routes that ident Life is preparing a training numerous reports of cat fights in WEBMASTER use boats, there will be no traffic would connect with the Raritan module for the 2012-2013 school the halls, as well as a lack of Midol and everyone will be so relaxed be- instead of Route 18, despite the as- year to prepare future Resident As- Jack Molenaar, Director of Rut- at the George Street Rite Aid. cause of the romantic atmosphere surance from Molenaar that “there’s sistants on how to better handle gers Department of Transporta- After an emergency meeting tion, began drafting early plans of being on a gondola.” almost no way anyone would reject this unique situation. for an all-campus gondola system “Rutgers will go from the banks such a fuckin’ awesome idea.” to replace the currently adopted of the Old Raritan to the actual When asked to comment on DELAYS: Students RUTGERSFEST: system of buses and shuttles in the Raritan,” said Molenaar, repeating the efficiency of transporting- stu middle of drinks in his home after himself nearly five times, punctu- dents two at a time at the average left with nowhere to go LET US DRINK PLZ! returning home from work last Fri- ated by sipping from his wine glass gondola speed of 5 miles per hour, day. and chuckling to himself. Molenaar said it “shouldn’t be a continued from front continued from front Shortly after opening a second Early estimates of the cost of problem,” citing no reasons. When bottle of Cavit Pinot Noir from his switching to a gondola based pressed further, Molenaar changed to shit out a building is fucking wasted their whole lives getting liquor cabinet, Molenaar report- transportation system range from the subject. nigger-faggotly retarded.” trashed.” edly was inspired by the quaint im- $300,000 more than students cur- Drunk Jack Molenaar predicted Negron, whose name is sus- McCormick then kicked over age of an Italian countryside on the rently pay for the bus system, to that plans for the all-campus gon- piciously like a slur, proceded to his podium while ripping a sick label of the Italian wine to come up $350,000 more if the rowers are dola system should start being fi- break the windows of the Livings- Prince guitar solo on his Fender with the idea of a system of canals. required to sing romantic songs in nalized by the end of this week, ton Dining Commons and eat all Stratocaster. “The University is unique in Italian to passengers. barring any red tape. However, So- of the spinach from the salad bar. An audience bum rushed the that we have this whole river that The City of New Brunswick ber Jack Molenaar released a com- Most of the croutons remained stage ripped McCormick’s body to we can use, but sadly, the Raritan refused to comment on the pos- ment the following day that the unharmed, but there was an upris- pieces, in what they perceived as a is neglected as a mode of transpor- sibility of granting permits to the gondola idea will likely never move ing from the steak fries section of sacrifice to their sun god. tation,” explained Molenaar. “The University that would allow con- past the initial stages of planning. the eatery. Chipotle mayo ruined Lionel Richie will play over all biggest challenge faced by the bus- struction to dig canals along cur- the floors before the battle ended. the speakers for the next 4 days. Police Blotter

BROWER COMMONS - University student Aaron Humphrey (20 years old) was arrested Sunday after the victim bumped him and he dropped his ice cream. The victim is in critical condition and being treated for mul- tiple stab wounds.

BAYARD STREET - On Friday night Victoria Steinberg (52 Years old) lost three cats, responding to the names Mittens, Fluffy, and Charles. A $50 reward has been is- sued for the return of each cat.

BAYARD STREET - Golden Dragon restaurant received a health citation on Saturday after whiskers were found in the General Tso’s chicken.

NEW STREET - Sarah Johnson (36 years old) reported a case of domestic violence on her husband Dwayne Johnson (42 years old) after he pushed her into a running treadmill on Saturday. He has been arrested and charged with assault.

OLD QUEENS - Timothy Chandler (19 years old) mis- interpreted the test of the emergency alert system as an actual emergency, and promptly grabbed a rifle and holed himself up in the steeple of Kirkpatrick Chapel.

COLLEGE AVENUE - Amir Sulvatovechez (46 years old) was arrested after a student urinated on his ”RU Hun- gry” food truck and Sulvatovechez repeatedly fired upon the student with a 9mm handgun. The anonymous student died on arrival to the hospital. Due to the large attraction his truck brings to Rutgers University, President McCor- mick issued a full pardon to Amir Sulvatovechez. THE DAILY MEDIUM

PAGE 8 OPINIONS April 4, 2012 EDITORIALS Laurels and Darts aurel Park, Maryland’s premier destination for horse racing and horse racing results, receives a laurel for be- ing the first thing to appear when googling “laurel.” LTheir website is full of lots of pictures of pretty horses and I love horses. You know, while I’m on this roll I’m gonna give horses a laurel also. Horses are so majestic and beautiful. If you want to go see the horses at Laurel Park they have an elegant Terrace Dining, comfortable bars, simulcast rooms, and plenty of seating in the general admission area. Or so I’ve heard. * * * * * The Dallas Area Rapid Transit (DART) receives a dart for having yellow buses as part of its transportation system. Only taxis are supposed to be yellow. If I was in Dallas and I saw a big yellow thing heading towards me, I would imme- diately assume ‘taxi!’ and then be very disappointed to find a smelly bus rolling up. Also I’m very confused about whether or not they have more taxies than buses. Make your website What about the good things Hitler did? less confusing, DART. will be the first to are still in use today. Do * * * * * admit that I am a Marcus My you drive a Volkswagen? I would like to give a dart to the National Darts Federa- proud Jew who sup- Words In German, Volkswagen tion of Canada. The security they hire for their events has a I ports the founding means ‘People’s Auto,’ distinct lack of Canadian mounties. If I have to sit through of Israel, the safety and which was a company that a youth darts championship, especially a Canadian one, then protection of its people, Mr. Hitler oversaw the cre- I certainly want to see a little Canadian flare. You’re gonna and the rights of Jews ev- ation of in order to provide AARON MARCUS provide one mountie for me to admire? For shame, National erywhere to a comfortable low cost motor vehicles to Darts Federation of Canada. For shame. state of living without fear the people of Germany. of bigotry and persecution. The Nazi’s experimentation in jet * * * * * But as I sat through the umpteenth propulsion and rocket science was carried Camp Laurel, a sleepaway camp in Maine, gets a big laurel history lecture covering the Holocaust and on after the war by the United States by from me. First of all, their symbol is a moose, and moose are the millions of people who died while being the National Aeronautics and Space Ad- almost like bigger horses with giant antlers. If you’ve been persecuted for nothing more than their reli- ministration, better known to the world as paying attention, then I think you know my feelings about gion, sexual orientation or political beliefs, NASA. His understanding of infrastructure horses. You know, I’m gonna give horses another laurel while I couldn’t help but think that helped to create the Autobahn, we’re on this train. But more about the camp. Apparently history has given the Third “I couldn’t help but which was the primary influ- they provide tasty, nutritious, homemade meals! Who doesn’t Reich and its leaders a bad rap. think that history ence for the American high- like all of those adjectives when describing their food? Ac- Think about this: we all has given the Third way system created by Dwight cording to their menu, there is grilled cheese at every lunch. know that ‘in 1492, Colum- Reich and its leaders D. Eisenhower’s administra- You could eat grilled cheese every day at this camp. Once bus sailed the ocean blue,’ tion and heartily embraced by a bad rap.” you’re stuffed, you can do some Tae-bo and ultimate frisbee, but when he got to the ‘New President Reagan (a personal maybe even at the same time! This place sounds like heaven World,’ which he found by acci- favorite of mine). to me. dent, he slaughtered countless natives, raped More importantly, the surviving their wives and enslaved their children. members of the Jewish faith were inspired * * * * * Yet every year, there is a day celebrating by these ‘atrocities’ to move to Palestine and A huge dart goes to Dart: a company for quality single- him on which children get a day off from establish the homeland of the Jewish Peo- use foodservice packaging products. Are you trying to remind school, and the government pays workers to ple, an event which I think would not have all the lonely people that they’re eating single meals? For one? take the day off. If they had a ‘Hitler Day’ in happened without the help of ol’ Adolf. Alone? They are also the owners of the Solo Cup Company. Germany where public workers got the day So the next time you are driving in a Yeah, those red cups you’ve been cleaning off your floor since off with pay, I would bet money that many car, watching the movie ‘Armageddon’ or the first day of school are from these guys. Darts to the Solo folks would be very angry about that. walking past Hillel, be sure to give Hitler a cups too. Actually, a dart to Han Solo too. And a dart to History is subjective, people. What little thanks. I know I will. C3PO. most people know about Adolf Hitler is that he lead the Nazi party: a German political Aaron Marcus is a senior majoring in Politi- * * * * * party that rose to power, committed mass cal Science and Economics and Sociology and You can’t forget about the Laurel Chamber of Com- genocide, and attempted to create an op- a bunch of other stuff. He is very excited to merce if you’re giving out laurels left and right. Laurel is the pressive empire the likes of which modern be graduating this semester and plans to grow hub of Montana and their Chamber of Congress is kicking civilization had never seen before. up to be very rich, cause a bunch of problems, ass left and right. Plus their website has a train on it. I like But what most people don’t know is and then blame poor people for all of them, trains almost as much as moose and horses. that Hitler’s policies, creations, and ideas thereby getting a tax break.

QUOTE OF THE DAY Due to space limitations, submissions cannot be longer than like, 300 words? I don’t really know, I mostly just slap these articles into a pre-made template. If you actu- ally sat down and wrote an opinions article that didn’t make me vomit, then I guess “Honestly, I fucking hate like half I’ll print it. Honestly, if you’re interested in serious journalism then pick up the actual of these students.” Targum, unless you’ve gotten this far into the paper and still think you’re holding the Targum, in which case you should come to our meetings on Wednesdays at 8pm in Stan McNeil, Rutgers Bus Driver the Busch Campus Center in 120A. STORY IN UNIVERSITY [email protected] THE DAILY MEDIUM OPINIONS APRIL 4, 2012 9 Eliminate breaks McCormick has made a huge for bus drivers impact on the University. I think. these lackadaisical profes- I know that things will asked me, like the defiant Letter From the JAKE MANHALL sionals that bathroom breaks definitely not be the same assholes that they were, aren’t as important as punc- after Richard McCormick Meat Desk about what McCormick Stan, the LX bus driver tuality. leaves us. The things that has done for anyone, let is an inspiration to everyone. How much of our tu- he’s done and the leadership alone Rutgers. His positivity and wisdom ition money is being wasted that he’s displayed is great- I didn’t even want to seem to brighten up every- on idling buses? It is the re- er than that of many other answer them. Everyone body’s day. The only problem sponsibility of this great uni- leaders across history. FEI LAP knows the degree to which is that I don’t take the LX. versity to cut down IDLE His stamp on Rutgers McCormick has changed Ever. The bus drivers I fre- costs in order to keep tuition leaves a great legacy behind and I know that everything for the better. Some would say quent seem to have other pri- for the students low. It is a all the other students will miss him too. I that this is a vague retort to their legitimate orities, like taking 10 minute waste of gasoline, and those wouldn’t say that I was a close associate of questions, but like I said, exact reasons don’t poop breaks and leaving poor break minutes build up to his, but I do know he did a bunch of great need to be mentioned when knowledge about boys like me freezing in the wasted hours for bus drivers- things. McCormick is so commonplace and easily cold, looking at my watch, paid hours. These employees Come to think of it, I ac- accessible. hating life. Rutgers should of Rutgers should take their tually have no idea of anything “I wouldn’t say that I All that I need to know is eliminate breaks for bus driv- jobs more seriously, and stop specific he’s done. There may was a close associate that these abstract ideas of lead- ers. In my schedule, minutes being so greedy. Stay on your just be so many things that all of his but I know he ership, courage, and dynamic and seconds are the difference bus, and do your job like ev- the stories just blend together. I vision to know that McCor- between ultimate failure and did a bunch of great eryone else. just know that McCormick has things.” mick’s absence will leave Rut- Stan-worthy success. These men and women been an inspiration and an idol gers leadership maimed, if not This is the 21st- cen seem to only be in a hurry to many. completely shattered. tury. People shouldn’t have to when it suits them. It is a Everyone knows that the void McCor- I’m not sure exactly sure what part of leave their vehicles to empty rare occasion when a bus mick is leaving will be a great challenge to Rutgers leadership President McCormick ac- their bowels, and they don’t. driver makes a special stop fill and thus something unavoidable. Just all tually contributes to but I’m sure it is very Chamber pots were invented for a student, but when a the things he’s done, who could possibly fill important. hundreds of years ago, and bus driver needs to smoke a those shoes? The Medium, one of the publications everyone these days should cigarette before my exam, I I was just walking along the sidewalk of Rutgers mentions McCormick all the know how to insert a cath- end up pooping my pants in the other day when I overheard someone time, people who don’t do big things never eter. Bus drivers are a dying anticipation. It is imperative speaking ill of President McCormick. I im- get mentioned all the time. So you ask me, breed, soon to be replaced by that my fellow students and mediately leapt to the defense of our fearless what’s going to happen when McCormick more efficient driving- ma the Rutgers administration leader. leaves. I answer you with change. Everything chines. Rutgers should use recognize this gross waste of “How could you disrespect someone who will change. this fact to pressure and show time and money. has done so much for you?” I inquired. They

COMMENT OF THE DAY “gotta blame it on something how about blaming urself u Hello? Is it me you’re looking for? lipsyncing dreadlock hairdo rejects” Letter looking for? so much: I love you. I can see it in your eyes. I long to see the sunlight User “PancakeMix21” in response to Milli Vanilli’s video LIONEL RICHIE I can see it in your smile. in your hair, and tell you time “Blame it on the Rain” I’ve been alone with you inside my mind and in my You’re all I’ve ever wanted, and time again how much dreams I’ve kissed your lips a and my arms are open wide. I care. Sometimes I feel my thousand times. I sometimes Cause you know just what to heart will overflow. see you pass outside my door. say, and you know just what Hello, I’ve just got to let Hello, is it me you’re to do, and I want to tell you you know.

--- www.rutgersmedium.com--- We can make our website really big too. Your move, Targum. THE DAILY MEDIUM

PAGE 10 DIVERSIONS A P R I L 4 , 2 0 1 2 Horoscopes / LOLKATZ Snarky Talking Animals KAITIE DAVIS

Hai! R U a Kitti? Read moar 2 haz ur horo- scope!! Kthxbye

Aries (March 21 - April Libra (September 23 - Oc- 19): Todai u can haz a nice tober 22): YES! TODAI sunny spot by teh window 2 YOU CAN HAZ CHEEZ- nap in! U will sleep like log BURGER! Taurus (April 20 - May Scorpio (October 23 - No- 20): U will not katch teh vember 21): U will getz Super Manbags DAVIE KAITS mouse todai. Tuff noogies, teh fleez and theyz maek u he wuz a delishus 1 too itchi. Don’t scratch 2 hard Gemini (May 21 - June or u will haz boo boo 4 teh 20): U will almost haz car fleez 2 climb in2 and maek tire on ur face bc u will al- flee babiez most gets runnd over! B Sagittarius (November careful plz! U will not like 22 - December 21): Ur hu- being flat man has just buyed a lazer pancaek pointer! if u katch teh dot u Cancer (June 21 - July might has katnip 22): Ur human will giv u Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): U will find extra treats todai. Thez in ur I’m Fuzzy KIATIE ADSIV belly, makin u fatcat. Dats big yarnball today and haz a positiv and and a negativ so much fun unless u getz horoscope tanguld wif it. Don’t getz tanguld plz Leo (July 23-August 22): Aquarius (January 20 - Teh silli gurl frum down teh February 18): U will find street will pet u teh wrong out who iz gettin in ur litter wai! Ur fur will haz owies box, steelin all ur poop! U and knots must wurk harder 2 hide it Virgo (August 23 - Sep- Pisces (February 19 - tember 22): U will stand- March 20): Ur humans up 4 urself against teh big will frow big parti and dumb alli cat who eatz all maek loud noizes and get Sexually frustrated teens EITI DAVKAIT ur fudbowl. Smak him wid nekked and it will scare u ur paw liek u meen it!! and maek u poofi RU SOORE?

2/3 women can detect my wide emotional range every time I act.

almost 5/5 men don’t notice any emotion at all

Batfuckingman! KDSLYC3

Peter Parker is a nerd KEVID SAITIA

Know the facts. Love, Zack Braff T HE D AILY M EDIUM DIVERSIONS APRIL 4, 2012 1 1 Garfield isn’t Funny DAEK SAIVIT Zack’s Uber Dope Eye Fuck

Hey dudes! Can you find the gnarly 3-D picture in the cool 90’s sweater? (hint: you have to drop acid first!)

Mary Worthless ATKA DITIVIS

Sunooku Crime and Occupational Stress! KADAE TIVIS

Matriarchal Ladies and not Sports KADAE TIVIS

DJ Assault’s WERD SEARCH 2 make ur panties wet THE DAILY MEDIUM

PAGE 12 Classifieds April 4th, 2012 How to Write a Personal 1. Look around you and focus on some guy that looks like a douche. He probably is, so fuck that guy

2. This guy is a facist pig that murders puppies in his free time for fun. Get fuckin pissed Announcements • Statements Shit You Need Done • Shit You Somewhere to Live • Some- Items for Sale Bitching • Moaning • Whining • of the Obvious • Shit no one Want to Do • People You Want where to Be • Somewhere to Items for Give Groaning • Reading • Writing • 3. Write out your hatred of facist wants to know to Do • What I Do? go • To Call Your Home Items for Theft Fighting • Flighting puppy slaughterers in a few quick Real Advertising Rates lines and e-mail it to: 1/ page 1 Article Mentioning Other themedium.personals@gmail. Real Advertisement: 8 /4 page Your Business Options The Daily Medium com Sick of the Targum and their grayed out space? 126 College Ave., Room 439 5” x 4” 5” x 7.75” Short Article ??? Advertise with us and shove it in their face! New Brunswick, NJ 08901 4. Look for it in the paper next Personals: $45.00 $75.00 $75.00 Contact Us 732-932-3930 week, and laugh at the douche Send them to [email protected] from your because hes in a personal Rutgers E-Mail Account only. “Does anyone even bother with this shit anymore?” - Senator Stove, Personals Editor

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In fact For rent- off campus who stands in their way. show up and pay us $300 ing lot to purchase my don’t even show up, itll the government for hours house. Long commute Looking for honest, not for an information packet. personal art. It is a matter be awesome anyway crooked people to fill on end. Inquire under the but good price. Located Any questions? Call Glen of life or death! Contact whether you are there position. Politicians not at 15 North Street, Mid- Landing Lane bridge Phoebe at 973 555-9898 or not welcome at (732) 555 6784 land Michigan 48617 T HE D AILY M EDIUM Classifieds April 4, 2012 13 HOUSE FOR RENT TEST SUBJECT WANTED To the cute skater boy I see To the ignorant and USED DOG WHIS- Do you ever feel TOO healthy? NEW/USED 46 Union Street around Cook Douglass: DAMN. racist son of a truly TLE FOR SALE BY Are you an A positive blood OWNER type? Where have you been all my unfortunate bitch who 25 bedrooms, no Seldom-Used Vagina for Come on down to the ware- life? 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I hope you re- specializing in serving in your off campus plans, Call Matt Gabor tits that decided it was alize just how sad your like signing the lease on a good idea to wear greasy food for over (732) 555 8437 existence is when you 50 years. Have not our house. Oh wait, you with inquiries a lowcut shirt with a did that without me and push up bra even in realize that you could functioned as means YOU LOVE THEM NEVER say the things of transportation for didn’t tell me. I was the the frozen tundra-con- one that got you into our HELP WANTED ditions of early febru- you said in person, and over 4 decades. Small To the head of the Col- ary, mad props to you, that the Personals pro- cash value, large senti- fucking apartments, and lege Republicans, you but to answer some of vide your pathetic ass mental value. A great you think its o to just blow Join the RU are a retarded niggerfag- your questions. Yes ev- the perfect anonym- accent piece for any me off? I hope all the Telefund got. HAVE SOME FREE ery guy was staring at ity for you to use silly, collector! houses are closed up and Team! SPEECH, bitch. your tits, yes every guy hateful courage to use you all are forced to com- Just across from wanted to fuck you, mute from your parents To that RU women’s soccer the word nigger to a Student seeks bilingual Rockoff Hall no every guy did not basements you fucking player I ran into at that liquor Black person. Have a individual to translate for- Earn $10.00/hr want to date you, and losers. I’ll be busy getting store way down west on 22 a blessed day, and try eign T.A.’s rambling lec- to start yes every guy probably plastered everyday cuz while back in December/Janu- not to hate yourself af- tures on molecularly biol- and only want to went home to jack off I’m a winner, and thats ary: hey, how’s it going, eh? ter reading this. ogy in extremely broken, kill self 80% of to memories of your what winners do time! Hope you avoided those History boobs. Those tits are Syrian-accented English. professors I told you to that gift from the heavens, SATIRE WRITERS Build resume night. Keeping on kicking, Love, share them with the PETS Make friends Torgo. world. WANTED: Annoy strangers LOST CAT APPLY NOW! To the girl in my class that I’ve As I walk to the hall, One hilarious satire writ- Last seen in New Brunswick been flirting with for the past I try to picture you: near Senior Street. White with er who wants to be an year: break up with your damn Not to short, not too tall. distinctive black spots. Answers editor of The Medium! 732-839-1449 boyfriend and fuck me already. I think this can’t be true. We are currently looking rutelefund.org I dream that we embrace, to Snowball. for an Opinions Editor, To all my good friends (you But by mere chance, it FOR SALE NINJAS WANTED so if you’ve ever had an -Must possess B. A. know who you are!) seems, Pet Hamster in I just wanna say you guys I get to see your face. Overstock SALE!!!!!! Need of Loving opinion about anything in Ninja Studies make coming to Rutgers It’s better than my dreams. ½ PRICE! Home this job would sure be -Six Sigma black belt worth it. <3 P.S HORSE The dusk Plan B and Next Taken by animal perfect for you! Interested certification req’d PATROL!!! Choice control during freak applicants should stop -Supply own uniform To the biddie that Stop by the Delta Phi assplay arrest scandal. by our side-splitting staff and throwing stars Dear Ginger, How DARE flashed the camera house Easy to house and you steal Connorloupe’s? meetings every Wednes- -Willingness to com- guy at Club DM: nice maintain day night at 8p.m. in the mit suicide out of You should have known Dear Ginger, How better that to destroy our strategizing Busch Campus Center. If shame if mission DARE you steal Con- Wanted: De-Clawed creation. His story was sweetheart. Lucky you feel too lazy to get on failed norloupe’s? You should Cat for late night supposed to be a Shake- for you, the whole a bus, stop by production have known better that snuggle sessions. spearean tragedy, but no thing was being Must have round, in- on Sunday or Monday Hate writing papers? to destroy our creation. Love paying others to thanks you kidnapping him, streamed live on the nocent eyes and a nights on the fourth floor and then delivering him to His story was sup- write them for you? web. You successful- love for Meg Ryan of the College Ave. Stu- Connor, our tragedy was cut posed to be a Shake- movies. dent Center. Call (908) 555 6732 short (destroyed by Con- ly transformed RU-tv spearean tragedy, but Reasonable Rates! nor). What the HELL did you into the titty tube for no thanks you kidnap- Real Advertisement WANTED: get from doing that? Don’t a few ping him, and then Gay best friend. you understand: YOU’RE seconds there. I hope delivering him to Con- Medium Applicants must be TEARING ME APART you got rewarded nor, our tragedy was well groomed, sassy LISA!!!!!!!!!!!! that night with a cut short (destroyed ersonals and well-versed in P To the white chick in nice, juicy cock by Connor). What the Real Housewives of HELL did you get from Orange County triv- the purple shirt at Big between those gold- personals@ ia. Proficiency with Sean. I can’t even ex- en globes of yours. doing that? Don’t you rutgersmedium.com plain how out of place hair tools and tough Congratulations, you understand: YOU’RE love preferred. you looked with 20 TEARING ME APART represented black dudes all around LISA!!!!!!!!!!!! To my fucking roomates, you. The way you were Slutgers well! grinding all over that thanks for including me dude makes me think in your off campus plans, he made you look like signing the lease on down, then told him our house. Oh wait, you what’s up. did that without me and didn’t tell me. I was the To the dirty hippie one that got you into our girl on douglass who fucking apartments, and stands in the grass by you think its o to just blow Ruth Adams timing TARGUM me off? I hope all the herself hula-hooping, houses are closed up and please shave your CLASSIFIEDS armpits, it’s disgust- you all are forced to com- ing. I can see your mute from your parents bushy pits from over 732-932-7051* basements you fucking a block away. losers. I’ll be busy getting plastered everyday cuz To Pattycakes, Ok I’m a winner, and thats -from you know who =P what winners do *Targum-mandated gray area 14 APRIL 4TH, 2012 SPORTS THE DAILY MEDIUM TAMPA: Spring football gridiron gang, they may know someone in Tampa that may or heats up under the Florida may not be affiliated with the Na- THE Anthony Da- sun tional Football League.” DAILY MEDIUM Upon returning to WANTS YOUR SUPPORT vis’ Unibrow New Jersey tomorrow, the Scarlet Knights will hold another private continued from back practice session at their training SEND US SUBMISSIONS IN THE Declares In- found sense of superiority or facility. This time, their private FORM OF ARTICLES, PHOTOS, PBA where Doerner got his shades mentor will be reaching them via CARDS, AND CASH PAYMENTS from, but sources within Tampa satellite. tent to Trans- believe the unnamed “friend” of “Yeah, we’re going to Sky- the University may have direct pe with Schiano,” said Flood. “It’s [email protected] fer; Consider- connections to a professional foot- Schiano. That’s what this joke is [email protected] all about. It’s cause Schiano has all ball team in the area. [email protected] ESPN SportsCenter an- this NFL-inside access and he ends ing Rutgers chorman Todd Grisham stated in up exposing Rutgers to it causing his blog, “It’s not every day a col- the players to act different? If you OR CALL US... lege football team is given special didn’t get it by now, go grab the treatment or travels 1,000 miles to right paper you wanted, you nit- 732-932-7051 practice. But for New Brunswick’s wit.”

BY STUNAMI STAFF WRITER

In a move that has shocked the college basketball world, the uni- brow of Kentucky superstar An- thony Davis has declared its intent to transfer programs. To the surprise of both the University of Kentucky and Da- vis himself, the unibrow submit- ted its letter of intent shortly after KU’s thrilling national champion- ship victory over Kansas on Mon. Speculation swirls as basketball enthusiasts try to predict where the unibrow, whose presence is always noticed on the court, will land. The brow has offered little in the way of hints; however ESPN has reported that it is possibly inter- ested in joining the upstart Rutgers program, as the departure of Scar- let Knights star Gilvydas Biruta has left a clear void in the area of Cro- Magnon facial features. In a statement issued Tues. Uni- versity of Kentucky coach John Calipari expressed his deep regret in the unibrow’s decision to split, but told reporters he wished it only the best. “We certainly will miss Anthony Davis’ unibrow. It was magic on and off the court….and face… and we wish it success in all of its future endeavors,” he said. Many analysts have not ruled out the possibility of the unibrow changing over to the women’s side of the game. “It is totally outland- ish to think that Anthony Davis’s unibrow would not fit on a wom- en’s basketball team,” said com- mentator Skip Bayless on his daily ESPN show “First Take.” He would go on to say, “Rutgers is an obvious fit to me on either side of the gender spectrum be- cause, as Don Imus once pointed out, the Lady Scarlet Knights have always been an attractive program for unruly hair. The unibrow is expected to make its decision by the end of the week. Until then, the college bas- ketball world must eagerly await this game-changing transfer.

COME TO A MEETING!!!

8:01 PM sharp!!! BCC 120-A

SOMETIMES WE SEE ERIC LEGRAND THERE THE DAILY MEDIUM SPORTS APRIL 4TH, 2012 15 Men’s Basketball introduced into Odom Ditches Dallas, NCAA bracket of losers Becomes Kardashian BY CASTLETON SNOB “I especially like all the squeaky EDITOR-IN-CHIEF basketball toys and the different BY ELITE EAGLETONIAN wife through thick and thin, decid- Despite failing to gain entry into colored pinnies.” STAFF WIFE ing to walk away from the game the NCAA men’s basketball cham- Players were given the chance Lamar Odom has recently an- was a tough one, but it’s been real.” pionship once again, Rutgers has to practice on the court and get nounced that he is leaving the Dal- Another shocking announce- found life in another tournament. used to the three-foot high Jump las Mavericks after this season and ment was made via Twitter when The newly introduced Tournament N Slam basketball hoop. Eastern- ending his career in basketball to Odom announced that he would of Losers, better known as “March European Center Gilvydas Biruta take up a full-time reality televi- be taking on the Kardashian family Whatever” features teams that did asked to transfer when he realized sion career. His popular show on name, legally changing his name not have winning records dur- the court would not be covered in E! with wife, Khloe Kardashian, from Lamar Odom to Lamar Kar- ing the regular season but showed trampolines. is among the highest rated shows dashian. The feminist community spirit in the face of their own lack tournament have been unhappy Third-year Forward, Dane Mill- on the network, and the couple has has embraced and praised this deci- of trophies. with their status, Rutgers Head er was excited to have a chance at signed a five-year contract to keep sion, as it is non-gender conform- NCAA President Mark Emmert Coach Mike Rice was thrilled once the championship game in which “Khloe and Lamar” on the air. ing, but Odom is certainly taking explained the new tournament as he saw the gym of Fennville High one team would get to play the Many of Odom’s devoted fans, the heat from his teammates about “a way to showcase the teams that School in Michigan where a major- Harlem Globetrotters. who have been with him since his the name change. really should have given up a long ity of the games would be played. “I’m finally going to figure out days on the Los Angeles Lakers, are “They cannot deny that the Kar- time ago but struggled through a “They really went out of their how that trick with the confetti in very unhappy with his decision, dashian name will undoubtedly full season anyway.” way to make this place tournament the bucket works,” he told report- calling him a “sell-out” and blam- bring me fame and money, perhaps While some teams invited to the ready,” Rice was quoted as saying. ers. ing the Kardashian clan for this surpassing the attention that I was career move. Odom has taken to getting in the NBA,” said Od...I Twitter to defend his wife, tweet- mean, Kardashian. ing, “Khloe has been a supportive Walk Ons to Be Accepted Bill Belichick Shot to For New Fishing Team Death, Hoodie Blamed BY SNAKE ROBERTS STAFF LEGEND

Tragedy struck the area of Flor- ham Park, NJ on Monday, as long time New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick was shot to death at around 10:55 pm. He was 59. The Coach, who was in town for personal business according to Patriots President Jonathan Kraft, and not there to spy on the Jets or anything, was shot by a random vigilante, who could not make out the identity of Mr. Belichick, due to his scrawny hooded sweatshirt, the only article of top clothing he owns. against this tragic act, mainly on “It was tough to make him out sports radio callin shows all across in the night, all I could make out New England, demanding justice BY THE KILLA WHALE even saltwater experts to join the Rowan, Monmouth, and all the was his ragged hoodie, granted or at least a compensatory 3rd SPORTS EDITOR team,” said Pernetti. other schools we’re in contact with he is the only person I know who round draft pick. Plans have been Marine biology doctoral student don’t have fishing teams.” wears something as lousy, but I made by a bunch of fans, led by Russell McMahon has been ap- Though the search for a compet- Rutgers Athletic Director Tim didn’t know that at the time, hon- Bill Simmons, to march from Bos- pointed as the coach for the fishing itive schedule continues, Pernetti Pernetti announced yesterday that est,” said the vigilante, a very fat ton to ESPN headquarters in Bris- team. said that the tryouts will happen as a fishing team will be debuting this man with a Bobby Valentine stache tol, CT, demanding respect and “I’m excited to do this despite planned. summer. Walk-on tryouts will be by the name of Schmex Schmyan. more coverage then “that stupid the fact that we’ll get no recogni- “The Expo Center is going to held this Saturday, April 7th at 8 Furthermore, he explained that bounty scandal.” tion or press during the summer se- have a nice little blow-up baby pool PM at the Raritan Center Exposi- he was afraid of his personal safety. Rival New York Jets Coach Rex mester,” said McMahon. “I’m not with sunfish and koi in it to let the tion Center in Edison, New Jersey. “He looked menacing, as if he was Ryan, declined comment when actually sure if we have any com- anglers showcase their skills,” said a “We will be looking for bass after my playbo-, I mean me and reached, in a flop of sweat. petition yet either. Kean, Ryder, confident Pernetti. fisherman, trout fisherman, and my family and my wife’s beautiful On a completely unrelated note, toes.” He then excused himself to oddsmakers have now moved the in his words, “eat up his girl’s gor- Pats down from even money favor- RU Diving Racially United geous feetsies.” ites to win the AFC East to merely Protests have already begun odds-on favorites. On a separate note of unfairness, dominant performance in years, BY MORGAN FREEMAN the diving team now has a type of especially from teams that were so FEATURES EDITOR unity previously unheard of in the even previous to a mere change of diving universe. three team members. As of Monday, March 26th, the “They seem to be more in sync After the previous meet at Princ- Rutgers Division one Diving team with each other than a pack of eton University on March 31st, has recruited wolves on a hunting expedition,” every single school has decided to ASIANS three new mem- Whined Columbia Diving Team follow suit and form racially united bers, Lee Yi Sin, Wu Bo Kong, member Richard Wagner. teams. No single school believes and Xin Feng Zhao. After these of- The diving scores of Rutgers that they can continue to remain a ficial additions to the team, RuD competitive force without this new (Rutgers Diving) is now an entirely strategy. Asian team. “When given equal op- The problem for all these teams For the first time in the history portunity, the asian divers now is to establish a racially united of Rutgers university, a sports team easily outclassed all the team while reinforcing equal op- is racially united. People have spo- other races.” portunity and affirmative action. ken on how this goes against the Of course, no one is surprised that equal opportunity policy that all were triple that of Columbia at the Rutgers is the first to reinvent the universities have but Rutgers of- most recent meet. Needless to say, meta of diving, as it is fairly com- ficial Patrick Chardler says other- many schools were disappointed mon for Rutgers to be the forerun- wise. and almost appalled. ner for change. He assertively said, “This is the Internal disagreement ran ram- With such little time left in best case situation for equal oppor- pant amongst teams that had pre- the diving season Rutgers Diving tunity as a system and this shows viously been as close and cohesive Coach, Cpt. Hong Rung Li has why we should change the system. as military units. Rutgers had the utmost confidence that other When given equal opportunity, the shaken up the diving field like no schools will not be able to catch asian divers easily outclassed all the one school has done in the past. up to the efficient machine that is other races.” Sports casters haven’t seen such a RuD. THE DAILY MEDIUM PAGE 16 SPORTS April 4th, 2012 Spring Football Practice Begins with Trip to Tampa

BY SHANE WHELAN therapeutic massages from mas- MANAGING EDITOR seuses that work with professional To begin Rutgers football spring athletes. Defensive lineman Scott practices, new head coach Kyle Vallone left the session reportedly Flood treated his asking for more money in his con- FOOTBALL players to a road tract. trip to Tampa, Florida for a pri- “The Knights better step it up vate drill session with an unnamed and pay their big boy what he’s “friend” of the University. due. I’m a senior, damn it!” said The players, including compet- Vallone. ing quarterbacks Chas Dodd and Other players, including Senior Gary Nova, are currently on a bus Punter Justin Doerner, went out route home from their practice to party at a nearby night club but session and already feel more con- were not allowed in for free as they fident in their ability to have a suc- had originally hoped. cessful off-season. “This lack of respect is the kind “Coach Flood is going to lead of thing that gets people fired. It’s us to a winning season as long as like they don’t even know who I he keeps this up. He’s helped us to am,” said Doerner, wearing a $950 transition between coaches with pair of Gucci sunglasses at 10 P.M. ease,” said Dodd. Nobody knows for sure why the Coach Kyle Flood (right) talks with the nameless instructor (left) while the football team prac- During the private drill session, players left the session with a pro tices at an undisclosed location. Officials believe that the nameless instructor may continue to the players were able to practice SEE TAMPA ON PAGE 14 work with Rutgers as an “assistant” to the former assistant coach. on NFL-grade turf and receive Women’s Crew Team Finds Dead Body in Raritan River BY KRUPA PATEL Heather Putnam. STAFF WRITER Putnam ordered her crew to Yesterday at 6:30 AM, the Rut- continue rowing past the body and gers’ Women’s Rowing team found remain focused throughout the or- a body floating in deal. ROWING the Raritan River. “Keep calm and row on, that’s It was originally thought to be a log our motto!” said Putnam. or a fallen tree branch but it was The NCAA does not have a spe- indeed the body of a woman who cific procedure regarding finding a had gone missing two weeks ago. body during a practice, but Uni- “We’ve spent countless prac- versity officials find the decision to tices on the water and something continue rowing as controversial. like this has never happened. The However, the police were not up- thought of a body floating down set, considering the circumstances. the same river I’m practicing on is “The sport of rowing is a vital creepy,” said freshman recruit Mor- source to the Rutgers Athletic De- gan Knigge. partment and we didn’t want to Once the police removed the prevent them from reaching their body, the team continued training. full potential”, said Police Chief “Shit like this always happens… Robert McDougall, “It’s not like just life trying to put a stop to our there’s any type of evidence on the training. It’s times like these that boat or anything.” Coxswain Ellie Kleiman orders her boat to “way enough,” or stop, as they approach the body of separate the rowers from the walk- Bodily evidence shows the wom- the missing woman to avoid staining their $35,000 boat with blood. ons,” said Assistant Head Coach an died as a result of drowning. San Francisco Giants’ catcher develops new method to avoid injury

BY JOHN EBERHARDT from the other scrub catchers out NEWS EDITOR there,” said Bochy, “Most catch- San Francisco Giants catcher ers play in front of or even on the Buster Posey just finished prepar- plate, which leaves them suscep- ing for a new season of baseball tible to the pitchers’ pitches getting after coming off away from them and useless con- MLB a broken fibula tact from reckless batters running last year. Posey expressed his excite- home from 3rd base.” ment to get back into the sport he According to Bochy, by playing loves and said he is committed to a behind the plate, Posey can easily new strategy this year. sidestep runners and even catch “I was battling severe depres- the pitchers’ balls instead of letting sion, sitting on my couch while my them pass by him. team continued to play a great sea- “He’s really turned into the son,” said the 25-year-old former cream of the crop,” said Bochy. All-Star, “I was anxious to rip off Other players in the clubhouse this ridiculous cast and get back have been inspired by Posey’s ref- into the swing of things. I’ve even ormation and have taken changes developed a new strategy for play- themselves. ing the game.” Batters are now wearing gloves This ‘new way’ as Posey call it, and rubbing tar onto their bats to involves actually getting behind improve their grip and outfielders home plate and waiting for the ball are even learning to move around in the outfield in order to catch fly to come to him. Buster Posey (center) is pictured here throwing a ball from behind home plate which will be Manager Bruce Bochy was im- balls. pressed by Posey’s new strategy and “At this rate, Posey isn’t just go- part of his plan to avoid injury. Other plans to avoid injury include catching all balls behind the praised him for doing what few ing to win us a World Series, he’s plate, kneeling down behind the plate, putting on his mask behind the plate, calling pitches going to lead a revolution in base- catchers around the league actually behind the plate, throwing balls into the audience from behind the plate, wearing protective do. ball, redefining the sport,” said Bo- “Posey’s really separating himself chy. chest gear behind the plate, and eating dinner on a plate.