Brigham Young University Family Studies Center Research Brief Flourishing During the Teen Years: Why “Not Being Bad” Isn’ Good Enough Laura Padilla-Walker Associate Professor and Associate Director, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University Madison Memmott-Elison MFHD Master’ Student, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University

When parents and the popular youth to be successful, focusing media talk about teenagers, on the development of these four more often than not the focus strengths is an important starting The Research is on the bad stuff, the problem point, and parents, leaders, and behaviors like risky sex, drinking, educators all play a key role in Much of what we present and drug use. While such a focus helping youth develop these in this brief is based is certainly warranted, the vast behaviors. on a unique, ten-year majority of teenagers make it longitudinal study called through these years without AN ESSENTIAL PRECURSOR The Flourishing Families experiencing serious problems, TO FLOURISHING: and those who do struggle often SELF-CONTROL Project (FFP). The FFP stop participating in problem consisted of 500 families behaviors after the teen years. An important precursor to any of living in the northwestern But the avoidance of such the qualities in the “Flourishing United States and was behaviors does not necessarily Youth” sidebar below (.., conducted by a group of mean the presence of positive feel confident, connect with faculty at Brigham Young behaviors. In other words, “not others), is self-control. Most of being bad” is not good enough. us are familiar with a child who University. In this study, If we ignore the good, we tell just can’t seem to sit still, or we interviewed and children what they shouldn’t do, who has emotional outbursts at video-taped parents and but don’t replace it with what inappropriate times, or who can’t their teenage child starting they should do. We focus so seem to stick to a given task. when the child was age much on eliminating bad behavior, These behaviors would signify 11, and then every year but it is important to know that a lack of self-control (or self- you can discourage bad behavior regulation). As children get older, after that for 10 years. The by encouraging good behavior. these types of behaviors should goal of this project was to decrease. Self-control is best determine not only why Thus, the purpose of this brief defined as the ability to manage families might struggle, report is to highlight what we one’s thoughts and emotions but specifically, what helps have learned through research so that one can set goals, solve 1 families to flourish and about positive behaviors that problems, and control impulses. If a teenager has challenges be successful. can both replace and protect against negative behaviors. More controlling herself, she will find specifically, we will discuss four it quite difficult to engage in aspects of flourishing during the positive behaviors and avoid teen years: self-control, self- negative behaviors. esteem, values, and empathy. While these certainly are not Because the teen and young the only strengths that will help adult years are a pivotal and 1 Flourishing Youth

Research on positive youth development has highlighted the 5 ’s of flourishing, or aspects of positive development that are influenced by parents and youth programs.2

1. Competence: Young people who flourish have a positive view of their dynamic time in a person’s life, stable (see Figure 1). Note that abilities in a variety of areas, where many decisions that have the higher the -axis number the lifelong consequences are made, better the self-control, so it is including social, academic, it is especially important to clear there is room for growth and vocational (related to a consider self-control during these during the teen years in self- future career). years, as well as what parents control – especially behavioral and others can do to help those control. 2. Confidence:Young people who might struggle in this area. who flourish have an overall The first thing to realize is that HOW PARENTS CAN HELP much of self-control occurs in the CHILDREN LEARN positive view of themselves, frontal part of the brain, which SELF-CONTROL or global self-worth. isn’t fully developed until the 3 mid-twenties. This means we Parents, friends, siblings, and 3. Connection: Young people should not be overly surprised if teachers/adults can all help a teenager loses his or her cool who flourish have positive children to develop self-control. relationships with people every once in awhile, or is still The earlier they start, the better ranting and slamming doors on – but it is never too late to begin and institutions, including occasion. That being said, overall providing children with tools for parents, peers, school, and we should see an increase in the success. Here are some ideas community/faith groups. ability to control thoughts and from our research for parents emotions as children get older. who want to help their child 4. Character: Young develop self-control: people who flourish have There are three types of self- control that children need a standard of correct • Allow children to struggle a bit to develop: behavioral (how with hard things so they can learn behavior, or a sense of right children control their bodies to problem solve and regulate and wrong. and behaviors), emotional (how the emotions that come with children control their feelings frustration. and moods), and cognitive (how 5. Caring: Young people who children effectively set goals flourish care about others. and follow through). At all ages, • Give children opportunities to behavioral control has the lowest help others (in the family and average levels, with emotional outside the family) so they learn control increasing over time, and to put aside their wants for the cognitive control staying fairly needs of others.

2 • Model good self-control. If control more than girls do5 parents yell and slam doors (though this difference lessens HELPING CHILDREN and lose their temper often, by the teen years). However, TO BE CONFIDENT: THE children will model that behavior. in many ways that is because DEVELOPMENT OF No parent is perfect, but when we teach boys that anger is SELF-ESTEEM parents display poor self-control, the only appropriate way they apologizing and discussing with can express themselves. So it Sometimes when we think children what the parent could may be particularly important of being confident, we worry have done differently are both to help young boys learn to about the possibility of being effective ways to teach self- control themselves that do not overconfident or showy control. include aggressive or violent and prideful, but the type of expressions of anger (e.g., confidence that helps children to • Help children think of more distract themselves, count to ten, flourish is not negative or self- appropriate ways they could have take deep breaths, etc). centered. Self-esteem, or one’s responded in situations where global sense of self-worth,7 is they lost control (e.g., What Also, we have found that fundamental to success and could you have done instead of fathers are particularly important actually allows children to be throwing your brother’s iPhone in in teaching children to develop more focused on others. A child the toilet? What have you learned self-control, so while mothers are or teenager who feels confident from this situation where you very important, this is a gentle about who he or she is will played video games all night so reminder to fathers that they also not be as worried about what you didn’t study and failed your matter.6 others think, which will free up test?) In sum, self-control is necessary resources that will enable them for all of the other aspects of to focus on the needs of friends, A few other things that parents flourishing we will discuss, so it family, and even strangers. should be aware of: young is an important and appropriate boys often struggle with self- place to start. It is important to note that self- esteem is generally lowest during early- and middle- adolescence when teens are going through puberty and the stress of middle school or junior high. The Benefits of Self-Control Any transition (e.g., elementary school to junior high) may result Self-control promotes: in a dip in self-esteem, but 1. Relationship quality with parents, peers, typically this will rebound once children acclimate to the new and romantic partners environment. That being said, our 2. Healthy diet study suggests that the majority 3. Self-esteem of teens report relatively high levels of self-esteem, with very 4. Academic achievement few teens reporting low self- esteem (see Figure 2). While our Self-control protects against: sample is relatively well-adjusted and therefore might display 1. Problem behaviors (e.g., swearing, higher than average levels of stealing, truancy) self-esteem, many teens report 2. Drinking and drug use feeling good about themselves. 3. Depression However, a sizable group of teens

3 report low-to-medium levels of self-esteem, leaving plenty of room for parents and others to help.

HOW PARENTS CAN HELP CHILDREN DEVELOP SELF- ESTEEM

• Allow autonomy: Autonomy is the ability for children to make decisions for themselves with guidance.9 This allows children to feel that they can make good choices and be in charge of their own lives, which will facilitate continued confidence. When excessively praise children for children make poor choices, everything they do, it may feel parents can help them learn insincere and result in a need for The Benefits of external reward to be motivated. from their mistakes and guide 8 them to better choices. This For example, if parents throw a Self-Esteem is accomplished by avoiding party for their child every time she shaming approaches (e.g., shame achieves something or give her Good self-esteem money for all her good grades, puts the focus on the child as promotes: deficient or in some way unloved she is likely to want external for bad choices) and instead rewards (e.g., money, gifts) to 1. Happiness or well- helping the child to reflect on his do well, rather than valuing the being or her good or bad decisions and internal joy of achieving one’s 2. Academic achievement think of ways to change (e.g., goals as a form of motivation. “What about your behavior can 3. Helping behavior you change?” instead of “What • Focus on the behavior, not toward strangers about you can you change?”). the child: Parents should also be careful how they praise. Good self-esteem • Avoid being overly critical: While telling children that they Self-esteem is best fostered in worked hard is very important, protects against: environments where expectations focusing on achievement or 1. Depression 10 global statements like “You’re so are high, but not unrealistic. If 2. Drinking and drug use parents expect too much from smart!” tend to be less helpful. their children or teens, they will It is better to praise a child for a be overly critical and this detracts specific effort, such as studying from self-esteem. Knowing hard for a test, than to praise his what children are capable of and or her intelligence in general. If helping them achieve their goals the child gets a low grade on a (with love and support), is most test, that would then signify that likely to foster confidence. he or she needs to study harder for the next test, not that he or • Avoid excessive praise: she is less intelligent. Excessive praise can actually backfire, especially for children Another pattern to note in the with low self-esteem.11 If parents development of self-esteem is

4 that boys generally have higher with athletic confidence, girls TEACHING CHILDREN self-esteem than do girls, in may struggle with confidence RIGHT FROM WRONG: THE part because of the pressure in how they interact with peers. DEVELOPMENT OF VALUES put on girls to be physically Each child will be able to identify attractive. As parents, we his or her own strengths and Another fundamental aspect of should ask ourselves if we treat weaknesses. The goal is for flourishing is the knowledge of our boys and girls differently parents to help build confidence the distinction between right when it comes to building in several areas of their child’s life. and wrong, or the possession confidence. Figure 3 shows This strengths-based approach is of good values that can serve as that the difference in general often more important than overall a guide for behavior. Values are self-esteem levels between feelings of self-worth. If we ask beliefs or standards that motivate teenage girls and boys isn’t ourselves what our children really people to act.12 Often the first that large. Research suggests enjoy and then help to foster thing that comes to people’s that teens should also develop those strengths and teach the minds when they think about confidence in specific areas, value of hard work as it leads to values is that they are wholly such as academics, athletics, achievement, parents can have a positive. They might envision or interpersonal relationships. significant impact on self-esteem. values like integrity, kindness, or While boys may struggle more tolerance. Interestingly, however,

The Benefits of Positive Values13

Positive values promote: Positive values protect against: 1. Helping behavior and civic 1. Aggression involvement 2. Delinquency 2. Academic achievement 3. Drinking and drug use 3. Identity development (a clear sense of who they are and what they believe) 5 some values can be somewhat teen years and even into young negative, especially when they adulthood. Different Types are dominant values for the child. of Values Some teens might value power As Figure 4 shows, values change or personal enjoyment above all somewhat over the course of else, which leads to domineering, adolescence, but not dramatically. Power: when a person bossy, or selfish behavior when This is true of both negative values being better than interacting with friends or family. values (power and hedonism and being in control of So while children are hopefully and positive values (benevolence others picking up positive values from and achievement), as noted in parents, friends, and community the sidebar, “Different Types of groups, they can certainly pick up Values.” Hedonistic: when a negative values as well. person values personal While power values are only enjoyment It is especially important to salient for a minority of young consider values during early people (about 30%), hedonistic adolescence (ages 10-14) values are quite salient, with Benevolence: when a because it is a time when values nearly 80% of youth noting that a person values being kind are changing and gradually central aspect of their motivation solidifying, resulting in more is about doing what makes them and helping others variable behavior during the teen feel good. As parents, we can years than at later ages. Once certainly understand that part of Achievement: when a values are internalized, or are a life is being happy and feeling person values excelling part of how a child sees himself, good, but it is important for us they usually don’t change all that to help our children see that this at whatever he or she much. Establishing good values is should not be our primary value does and trying hard to a process that begins in childhood or motivation. While nearly 80% be successful and continues through the of youth also value being kind and 6 The Benefits of Empathy17

Empathy promotes: helpful, hedonism is nearly as highly valued. Our role as • Children first need to accurately 1. Helping behavior parents is then to help our perceive parental values - so they (sharing, volunteering, children to grapple with these need to know where parents comforting) competing values. stand. This can be achieved by: 2. Relationships with Clearly children and parents have • Being consistent and clear friends and family a variety of values, so no one (e.g., if parents value education, members value is good or bad. Rather, it always make sure children do is the constellation of values their homework and make school Empathy protects against: our children develop, and which a priority. If parents only stick values drive their behavior, that to this on occasion or if only 1. Aggressive behavior are most important. We have only mom stresses this but not dad, (hitting, name calling) discussed four different types it will be harder for children to 2. Delinquency of values, and there are many accurately perceive parental more that can be either protective values). 3. Depression and motivating or negative and destructive. The development • Convey to children how of values and the ability to important certain values are to are important. distinguish right from wrong you (e.g., if honesty is important, is often a cognitive process don’t lie to your children. Clarify TEACHING CHILDREN TO that becomes a part of who this value’s importance by CARE ABOUT OTHERS: children are and how they see providing reasons and examples). THE DEVELOPMENT OF themselves. And the best way to EMPATHY encourage the development of an • Children will then choose optimal assortment of values is to whether or not they will accept Another one of the key aspects of teach your values and then allow parental values. Children are most flourishing in children is learning to children a degree of autonomy. likely to accept values when: care about others, or developing Values that are internally empathy for the plight of another. motivated (are part of how the • They feel autonomous – or like Empathy is defined as feeling sad child sees himself or herself) are they have a say in what they or concerned when someone more likely to lead to positive believe and do. else is in distress, and is one of behaviors, while externally the key character traits that leads motivated values (because the • They feel parental discipline is individuals to help and be kind.15 A child fears getting in trouble) are appropriate (e.g., children never girl who feels badly for her friend rarely protective and often enjoy being yelled at or punished, who got a poor grade on an exam, lead to the opposite behavior but if they feel they are frequently for example, might offer to help than is desired. unjustly punished or constantly her study next time. Or a boy belittled, they are less likely to who feels worried for his brother HOW PARENTS CAN accept what parents are saying). who was left out of a social event, HELP CHILDREN DEVELOP might offer to play soccer with STRONG POSITIVE • As much as possible, parents him. We have all felt empathy VALUES14 should provide the “why” behind at some point in our lives, and what they expect of their child. these feelings often draw us • Model good behavior that Parents should minimize the use closer to others because we feel reflects parental values. Actions of “because I’ the parent, that’s badly for them and desire to help usually speak louder than words why” and talk with children about them. Early signs of empathy can when it comes to values. why certain beliefs and behaviors even be detected in babies and

7 young children, and are learned is one of the key behaviors that strangers, this activity can be by continued positive interactions can replace bad behaviors and especially protective. That being with parents and others.16 also promote good behaviors, said, helping family members and Research has consistently found especially empathy. In turn, friends is also a positive thing, that boys have lower levels of empathy is one of the strongest and is especially effective at empathy than girls15 (see Figure predictors of prosocial behavior, strengthening relationships. 5). However, this isn’t found so these are two aspects of when biological measures are caring that are really important for HOW PARENTS CAN HELP considered (e.g., heart-rate, brain children. CHILDREN TO BE CARING scans, physiology), so it suggests AND HELPFUL16,18 that boys are perhaps just less Prosocial behavior can be willing to say they feel badly for directed toward a number of • When siblings or friends fight, someone and over time may feel different individuals. Teens can help them to understand the that empathy is not something volunteer at a local soup kitchen emotions and needs of the other they need to make a priority. (prosocial behavior toward sibling or friend (e.g., How do Parents are usually much more strangers), help their friends with you think your sister felt when likely to encourage their girls to homework (prosocial behavior you hit her? How would you feel think of the needs of others than toward friends), and share with if someone called you a mean their boys, so it is important that their siblings (prosocial behavior name?). This allows children to we encourage caring and helping toward family). Prosocial behavior take the perspective of another in both girls and boys. toward strangers is the least person, which can lead to common type of behavior across empathy. One of the most consistent the teen years (see Figure behaviors that promotes 6), but it is the most strongly • Model empathy for children, empathy (and that empathy related to empathy and also taking an interest in how they feel in turn promotes) is prosocial the most directly protective and in their perspective. Foster behavior, or voluntary behavior against negative behaviors like good relationship with children meant to benefit another.15 delinquency and aggression. and let them know they are loved. Examples of prosocial behavior If parents then facilitate their include helping, sharing, and children getting outside of • Point out examples on volunteering. Prosocial behavior their comfort zone and helping television, movies, or in books

8 when characters engage in good will feel too much empathy and promoted through connection or bad behaviors. Ask children how they will become overwhelmed. with parents and family members. they think the characters might Parents may need to help children Parents’ encouragement of have felt or reacted (e.g., How do learn to build healthy boundaries these positive outcomes in their you think her mom felt when that so they care about others, but children will not only improve the character spoke to her that way? aren’t so overwhelmed that they chance that young people will How do you think he felt when his can’t help. avoid negative behaviors such friends teased and excluded him?). as delinquency and drug use, CONCLUSION: but also that they will develop a • Provide opportunities for children pattern of positive behaviors that to serve those who are less In sum, in order to flourish, will serve them well in their future fortunate than they (especially teenagers need competence, relationships and responsibilities. strangers). Seeing those in need confidence, connection, character, We encourage parents not to and being given the opportunity and caring. The four behaviors settle for children only avoiding to help them is key to the that can best help them to “bad behavior,” but instead to help development of a child’s ability achieve these traits are self- children be on a genuinely good to act on empathic feelings. Just control, self-esteem, values, path – a path that will ultimately beware: sometimes children and empathy, all of which are lead to long-term flourishing.

FOOTNOTES

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3Romine, C. B., & Reynolds, C. R. (2005). A model of the development of frontal lobe functioning: Findings from a meta- analysis. Applied Neuropsychology, 12(4), 190-201.

4Farley, J. P., & Kim-Spoon, J. (2014). The development of adolescent self-regulation: Reviewing the role of parent, peer, friend, and romantic relationships. Journal of Adolescence, 37(4), 433-440; Hsieh, M., & Stright, A. D. (2012). Adolescents’

9 emotion regulation strategies, self-concept, and internalizing problems. Journal of Early Adolescence, 32(6), 876-901. doi:10.1177/0272431611433848; Gillham, J., Adams-Deutsch, ., Werner, J., Reivich, K., Coulter-Heindl, V., Linkins, M., ... & Contero, A. (2011). Character strengths predict subjective well-being during adolescence. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 6(1), 31-44; Silk, J. S., Steinberg, L., & Sheffield Morris, A. (2003). Adolescents’ emotion regulation in daily life: Links to depressive symptoms and problem behavior. Child Development, 74(6), 1869-1880. doi:10.1046/j.1467- 8624.2003.00643.; Taut, D., Baban, A., Giese, H., Matos, M. G., Schupp, H., & Renner, B. (2015). Developmental trends in eating self-regulation and dietary intake in adolescents. Applied Psychology: Health & Well-Being, 7(1), 4-21. doi:10.1111/ aphw.12035; Véronneau, M. H., Hiatt Racer, K., Fosco, G. M., & Dishion, T. J. (2014). The contribution of adolescent effortful control to early adult educational attainment. Journal of Educational Psychology, 106(3), 730.

5Raffaelli, M., Crockett, L. J., & Shen, Y. L. (2005). Developmental stability and change in self-regulation from childhood to adolescence. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, 166(1), 54-76.

6Moilanen, K. L., Rasmussen, K. E., & Padilla‐Walker, L. M. (2015). Bidirectional Associations Between Self‐Regulation and Parenting Styles in Early Adolescence. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 25(2), 246-262.

7Brown, J. D. (2014). Self-esteem and self-evaluation: Feeling is believing. Psychological Perspectives on the Self, 4, 27-58.

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9Bean, R. A., & Northrup, J. C. (2009). Parental psychological control, psychological autonomy, and acceptance as predictors of self-esteem in Latino adolescents. Journal of Family Issues, 30(11), 1486-1504.

10Milevsky, A., Schlechter, M., Netter, S., & Keehn, D. (2007). Maternal and paternal parenting styles in adolescents: Associations with self-esteem, depression and life-satisfaction. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 16(1), 39-47.

11Brummelman, E., Crocker, J., & Bushman, B. J. (2016). The praise paradox: When and why praise backfires in children with low self‐esteem. Child Development Perspectives, 10(2), 111-115.

12Benish-Weisman, M. (2015). The interplay between values and aggression in adolescence: A longitudinal study. Developmental Psychology, 51(5), 677; Silfver, M., Helkama, K., Lönnqvist, J. E., & Verkasalo, M. (2008). The relation between value priorities and proneness to guilt, shame, and empathy. Motivation and Emotion, 32(2), 69-80.

13Bardi, A., & Schwartz, S. H. (2002). Values and behavior: Strength and structure of relations. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29, 1207–1220. Padilla-Walker, L. M., Fraser, A. M., & Harper, J. M. (2012). Walking the walk: The moderating role of proactive parenting on adolescents’ value-congruent behaviors. Journal of Adolescence, 35(5), 1141- 1152

14Grusec, J. E., & Goodnow, J. J. (1994). Impact of parental discipline methods on the child’s internalization of values: A reconceptualization of current points of view. Developmental Psychology, 30(1), 4.

15Clark, A. J. (2010). Empathy and sympathy: Therapeutic distinctions in counseling. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32, 95–101; Eisenberg, ., Fabes, R. A., & Spinrad, T. L. (2006). Prosocial development. In N. Eisenberg (Ed.), Handbook of child psychology (pp. 646–718). New York, : Wiley.

16Hoffman, M. L. (2000). Empathy and moral development: Implications for caring and justice. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press.

17Hoffman, M. L. (2000). Empathy and moral development: Implications for caring and justice. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press.

18Carlo, G., Padilla-Walker, L. M., & Nielson, M. G. (2015). Longitudinal bidirectional relations between adolescents’ sympathy and prosocial behavior. Developmental Psychology, 51(12), 1771-1777. doi:10.1037/dev0000056.

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