Brigham Young University Family Studies Center Research Brief Flourishing During the Teen Years: Why “Not Being Bad” Isn’t Good Enough Laura Padilla-Walker Associate Professor and Associate Director, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University Madison Memmott-Elison MFHD Master’s Student, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University When parents and the popular youth to be successful, focusing media talk about teenagers, on the development of these four more often than not the focus strengths is an important starting The Research is on the bad stuff, the problem point, and parents, leaders, and behaviors like risky sex, drinking, educators all play a key role in Much of what we present and drug use. While such a focus helping youth develop these in this brief is based is certainly warranted, the vast behaviors. on a unique, ten-year majority of teenagers make it longitudinal study called through these years without AN ESSENTIAL PRECURSOR The Flourishing Families experiencing serious problems, TO FLOURISHING: and those who do struggle often SELF-CONTROL Project (FFP). The FFP stop participating in problem consisted of 500 families behaviors after the teen years. An important precursor to any of living in the northwestern But the avoidance of such the qualities in the “Flourishing United States and was behaviors does not necessarily Youth” sidebar below (e.g., conducted by a group of mean the presence of positive feel confident, connect with faculty at Brigham Young behaviors. In other words, “not others), is self-control. Most of being bad” is not good enough. us are familiar with a child who University. In this study, If we ignore the good, we tell just can’t seem to sit still, or we interviewed and children what they shouldn’t do, who has emotional outbursts at video-taped parents and but don’t replace it with what inappropriate times, or who can’t their teenage child starting they should do. We focus so seem to stick to a given task. when the child was age much on eliminating bad behavior, These behaviors would signify 11, and then every year but it is important to know that a lack of self-control (or self- you can discourage bad behavior regulation). As children get older, after that for 10 years. The by encouraging good behavior. these types of behaviors should goal of this project was to decrease. Self-control is best determine not only why Thus, the purpose of this brief defined as the ability to manage families might struggle, report is to highlight what we one’s thoughts and emotions but specifically, what helps have learned through research so that one can set goals, solve 1 families to flourish and about positive behaviors that problems, and control impulses. If a teenager has challenges be successful. can both replace and protect against negative behaviors. More controlling herself, she will find specifically, we will discuss four it quite difficult to engage in aspects of flourishing during the positive behaviors and avoid teen years: self-control, self- negative behaviors. esteem, values, and empathy. While these certainly are not Because the teen and young the only strengths that will help adult years are a pivotal and 1 Flourishing Youth Research on positive youth development has highlighted the 5 C’s of flourishing, or aspects of positive development that are influenced by parents and youth programs.2 1. Competence: Young people who flourish have a positive view of their dynamic time in a person’s life, stable (see Figure 1). Note that abilities in a variety of areas, where many decisions that have the higher the y-axis number the lifelong consequences are made, better the self-control, so it is including social, academic, it is especially important to clear there is room for growth and vocational (related to a consider self-control during these during the teen years in self- future career). years, as well as what parents control – especially behavioral and others can do to help those control. 2. Confidence:Young people who might struggle in this area. who flourish have an overall The first thing to realize is that HOW PARENTS CAN HELP much of self-control occurs in the CHILDREN LEARN positive view of themselves, frontal part of the brain, which SELF-CONTROL or global self-worth. isn’t fully developed until the 3 mid-twenties. This means we Parents, friends, siblings, and 3. Connection: Young people should not be overly surprised if teachers/adults can all help a teenager loses his or her cool who flourish have positive children to develop self-control. relationships with people every once in awhile, or is still The earlier they start, the better ranting and slamming doors on – but it is never too late to begin and institutions, including occasion. That being said, overall providing children with tools for parents, peers, school, and we should see an increase in the success. Here are some ideas community/faith groups. ability to control thoughts and from our research for parents emotions as children get older. who want to help their child 4. Character: Young develop self-control: people who flourish have There are three types of self- control that children need a standard of correct • Allow children to struggle a bit to develop: behavioral (how with hard things so they can learn behavior, or a sense of right children control their bodies to problem solve and regulate and wrong. and behaviors), emotional (how the emotions that come with children control their feelings frustration. and moods), and cognitive (how 5. Caring: Young people who children effectively set goals flourish care about others. and follow through). At all ages, • Give children opportunities to behavioral control has the lowest help others (in the family and average levels, with emotional outside the family) so they learn control increasing over time, and to put aside their wants for the cognitive control staying fairly needs of others. 2 • Model good self-control. If control more than girls do5 parents yell and slam doors (though this difference lessens HELPING CHILDREN and lose their temper often, by the teen years). However, TO BE CONFIDENT: THE children will model that behavior. in many ways that is because DEVELOPMENT OF No parent is perfect, but when we teach boys that anger is SELF-ESTEEM parents display poor self-control, the only appropriate way they apologizing and discussing with can express themselves. So it Sometimes when we think children what the parent could may be particularly important of being confident, we worry have done differently are both to help young boys learn to about the possibility of being effective ways to teach self- control themselves that do not overconfident or showy control. include aggressive or violent and prideful, but the type of expressions of anger (e.g., confidence that helps children to • Help children think of more distract themselves, count to ten, flourish is not negative or self- appropriate ways they could have take deep breaths, etc). centered. Self-esteem, or one’s responded in situations where global sense of self-worth,7 is they lost control (e.g., What Also, we have found that fundamental to success and could you have done instead of fathers are particularly important actually allows children to be throwing your brother’s iPhone in in teaching children to develop more focused on others. A child the toilet? What have you learned self-control, so while mothers are or teenager who feels confident from this situation where you very important, this is a gentle about who he or she is will played video games all night so reminder to fathers that they also not be as worried about what you didn’t study and failed your matter.6 others think, which will free up test?) In sum, self-control is necessary resources that will enable them for all of the other aspects of to focus on the needs of friends, A few other things that parents flourishing we will discuss, so it family, and even strangers. should be aware of: young is an important and appropriate boys often struggle with self- place to start. It is important to note that self- esteem is generally lowest during early- and middle- adolescence when teens are going through puberty and the stress of middle school or junior high. The Benefits of Self-Control Any transition (e.g., elementary school to junior high) may result Self-control promotes: in a dip in self-esteem, but 1. Relationship quality with parents, peers, typically this will rebound once children acclimate to the new and romantic partners environment. That being said, our 2. Healthy diet study suggests that the majority 3. Self-esteem of teens report relatively high levels of self-esteem, with very 4. Academic achievement few teens reporting low self- esteem (see Figure 2). While our Self-control protects against: sample is relatively well-adjusted and therefore might display 1. Problem behaviors (e.g., swearing, higher than average levels of stealing, truancy) self-esteem, many teens report 2. Drinking and drug use feeling good about themselves. 3. Depression However, a sizable group of teens 3 report low-to-medium levels of self-esteem, leaving plenty of room for parents and others to help. HOW PARENTS CAN HELP CHILDREN DEVELOP SELF- ESTEEM • Allow autonomy: Autonomy is the ability for children to make decisions for themselves with guidance.9 This allows children to feel that they can make good choices and be in charge of their own lives, which will facilitate continued confidence. When excessively praise children for children make poor choices, everything they do, it may feel parents can help them learn insincere and result in a need for The Benefits of external reward to be motivated.