Who needs Oedipus when you have Legolas? (a parody of a section from Oedipus the King)

disclaimer: well, the idea of Legolas shaving his head bald was mine and Glorfindel's idea, but the actual play was written by Sophocles and translated by… somebody. so only the head-shaving belongs to us… Legolas is tolkien's btw

Chorus: This suffering turns a face of terror to the world. There is no story told, no knowledge born, that tells of greater sorrow. Madness came striding upon you, Legolas, the black annihilating power that broods and waits in the hands of time. I cannot look! We have much to ask and learn and see, but you blind us with an icy sword of terror.

Legolas: Where will you send this wreckage and despair of an elf? Where will my voice be heard, like the wind driving emptily on the air? Oh you Valar, why do you drive me on?

Chorus: They drive you to a place of horror, that only the blind may see, and only the bald can feel.

Legolas: Here is my cloud of darkness. There is no escape. A cloud, thick in my soul, and there it dumbly clings. That cloud is my own spirit, that now wins its fiercest battle and turns back to trample me. The memory of hair can tear like goads of Mordor-fire, and go deep. Infinity could not be so deep.

Chorus: More than mortal in your acts of evil, more than mortal in your suffering, Legolas.

Legolas: You are my last friend, my only hope. You have waited for me and will care for the bald-headed body of Legolas. I know you are there, I know! Through his darkness I can hear your voice!

Chorus: Legolas, all that you do makes us draw back in fear. How could you take such vivid vengeance on your hair? What power lashed you on?

Legolas: Aulë, my lords, Aulë brought this misfortune upon me. I was the traveller, I met with Aragorn. Why should I keep my hair? If I had my hair, with what could I delight it?

Chorus: It is so, it is as you say.

Legolas: No I will shampoo nothing, and braid nothing, for braids have lost their sweetness. I will buy no conditioner, for conditioner is sour with hate. Take bottles of hairspray and beat me from your city, I am the living curse, the source of dandruff and shedding.

Chorus: Your own mind, reaching after the secrets of the Valar, condemned you to your fate. If only you had never gone to Gondor...

Legolas: But when my feet were running through marble halls, the king ransomed my from expensive hair products, and set me free. May Morgoth curse him for that murderous kindness! I should have never listened to him and drawn this sorrow on those I love, and on myself.

Chorus: Our prayers echo yours.

Legolas: Nor threw out my mousse, nor shaved my head bald. Now the Valar desert me, for my hair is gone, and my tresses mingle with the dirt on the ground. If evil can grow to be a giant that masters and usurps our world, that evil lords its way through Legolas.

Chorus: How can we say that you have acted wisely? Is death not better than a life in baldness?

Legolas: Do not tell me this head-shaving is wrong! I will have no advisors to tell me it is wrong! I had the fairest hair in Mirkwood, but I have stripped myself of it, and become the owner of all misery, for I have cut my hair, and become the elf that the Valar have found to be impure. I found such a rip-off in my high-priced hair products. Oh you Valar, take me and hide me, drown me in the oceans where my bald egg can be seen no more.