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Coping with a Suicide Catholic Teaching and Pastoral Response

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Coping with a Suicide Catholic Teaching and Pastoral Response V VERITAS Coping With A Suicide Catholic Teaching and Pastoral Response Dr. Frank J. Moncher Rosella L. Allison Arthur A. Bennett The Veritas Series is dedicated to Blessed Michael McGivney (1852-1890), priest of Jesus Christ and founder of the Knights of Columbus. The Knights of Columbus presents The Veritas Series “Proclaiming the Faith in the Third Millennium” Coping with a Suicide Catholic Teaching and Pastoral Response BY FRANK J. MONCHER ROSELLA L. ALLISON ARTHUR A. BENNETT General Editor Father Juan-Diego Brunetta, O.P. Catholic Information Service Knights of Columbus Supreme Council Censor Deputatus Nihil Obstat Rev. Thomas J. Lehning Imprimatur Father Frank J. Ready Vicar General of the Diocese of Arlington August 12, 2008 The Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur are official declarations that a book or pamphlet is free of doctrinal or moral error. No implication is contained therein that those who have granted the Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur agree with the contents, opinions or statements expressed. © 2008-2021 by Knights of Columbus Supreme Council All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. Write: Catholic Information Service Knights of Columbus Supreme Council PO Box 1971 New Haven CT 06521-1971 www.kofc.org/cis [email protected] 203-752-4267 800-735-4605 fax Printed in the United States of America CONTENTS WHY DOES SOMEONE COMMIT SUICIDE? . 5 WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE TO PREVENT THIS?. 6 DOES THE PERSON WHO COMMITS SUICIDE GO TO HELL? . 8 HOW DOES ONE GRIEVE THIS TYPE OF LOSS? . 9 STRATEGIES FOR HEALING . 13 WHAT SHOULD BE TOLD ABOUT THE SUICIDE?. 16 HOW DOES ONE SUPPORT THOSE GRIEVING OVER A LOSS BY SUICIDE? . 18 WHAT ARE THE SIGNS THAT A PERSON IS AT RISK FOR COMMITTING SUICIDE? . 20 SOME CONDITIONS ASSOCIATED WITH A HIGHER RISK FOR SUICIDE . 20 WHAT SHOULD BE DONE TO HELP SOMEONE WHO IS AT RISK FOR COMMITTING SUICIDE?. 20 WHY IS THERE SO MUCH TEEN SUICIDE? . 21 REFERENCES AND RESOURCES . 24 IDENTIFY THE SIGNS . 25 ABOUT THE AUTHORS . 27 Suicide takes the lives of more than 30,000 Americans annually. For every suicide, it is estimated that an average of six people are intimately affected and may continue to grieve for the departed for years afterwards. Even more than the mourners of other types of sudden death, these “survivors of suicide” tend to experience an intense bereavement complicated by difficult feelings of guilt and shame. Although not a comprehensive source on suicide, this booklet attempts to help survivors, and those who are concerned about them, with some of the questions and doubts that commonly arise in the attempt to come to terms with bereavement by suicide. For those who are worried about the possibility of suicide in themselves or others, sections are included on how to recognize the warning signs and what to do about them, as well as a separate section for suicide intervention with teenagers. Further resources are listed in the back of the booklet. WHY DOES SOMEONE COMMIT SUICIDE? Although some deceased leave notes which attempt to explain their suicide, generally a number of factors precede such a drastic decision. Most people who commit suicide are not choosing death itself. Often they are simply attempting to alleviate severe pain, whether physical or psychological. They may have tried other, unsuccessful, means of ending their suffering, leaving them with a sense of hopelessness in which suicide becomes a real option to end their anguish. Commonly, friends and family members of those who have committed suicide become consumed with unanswered questions about why a loved one may have taken his own life. Though feelings of guilt resulting from unresolved arguments, or some other failure in the relationship with the deceased, are understandable, they are generally not an accurate explanation of the decision to commit suicide, and can leave a survivor feeling unnecessarily responsible or guilty about something that was, in fact, beyond control. Often it is not possible to discover with certainty why someone has committed suicide. Sometimes a mental disorder, perhaps unrecognized, - 5 - such as depression, bipolar disorder, psychosis, substance abuse, or some other mental illness, contributes to the act. Depression, for example, affects problem-solving abilities and can cause distorted thinking about one’s self-worth. Other mental illnesses, such as disorders that cause psychosis, which can distort the sufferer’s perceptions of reality, sometimes result in suicide. Alcohol and substance abuse also increase the risk that someone might choose to commit suicide. An accurate understanding of the thought processes which lead an individual to suicide is often difficult, if not impossible, to attain. Those who commit suicide may feel guilty about the effect that their decision will have on their friends and family, but their pain is such that suicide appears to be the only real option. Further, mental illness, when present, hinders one’s ability to register the magnitude and impact of such a choice. Generally, the decision is not a deliberate choice to leave loved ones; rather, it is most often an effort to assuage unbearable pain. WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE TO PREVENT THIS? After the suicide of a loved one, family members and friends are often left to deal with a mix of difficult feelings. In these cases, it is natural for family and friends to question whether they could have prevented the death, and conflicting ideas within a family about the factors leading to a suicide can strain relationships. Patience with one another is essential, and staying connected without assigning blame—to one’s self or to others— is vital in supporting one another through the grieving. As in many other circumstances in life, the best course of action seems obvious when looking back. Certainly anyone who recognized tendencies towards self-harm in a loved one would take drastic measures to prevent its occurrence. In hindsight, signs that clearly indicate that a loved one was thinking about suicide may not have been, at the critical time, particularly alarming. Furthermore, even with extreme vigilance, one cannot always prevent or control what another person chooses. - 6 - It is not uncommon for the loved ones of a suicide victim to assume unwarranted culpability: “What if I had forced her to get help?” “What if I had visited more often?” “If only I hadn’t fought with him this morning;” “If only I hadn’t gone out for the evening.” For some, these “What-if” and “If-only” thoughts can become obsessive, and are often the most distressing hallmark of grief for the survivors of suicide. It is normal to replay scenes and conversations with loved ones during the grieving process, but when these self-blaming thoughts pervade, they can cause great harm. Professional help with managing these thought patterns can be a great aid in moving through one’s grief. It is especially important to remember that committing suicide is an individual decision. Accepting the free will of others, including their freedom to make a bad decision, can be very difficult. Although required to prevent tragedy insofar as one is reasonably able, and to be “Our brother’s keeper” when possible, it is not always possible to save loved ones from themselves. This is not a reflection upon one’s love and care for a person. No one can be held accountable for an event that was impossible to foresee. Even if some mistake was made, it is essential to remember that death was never the intent. Sometimes those who are planning suicide seem to feel better once they have decided upon a course of action, because they believe that they have an answer to their problems. This temporary lift in spirits can give those around them the impression that things have improved, even if the tendency toward suicide was known. Furthermore, because many people who suffer from depression and anxiety do not commit suicide, failing to anticipate that a loved one might decide upon another course of action is not surprising. Legitimate concerns about personal mistakes should be taken to a priest in the Sacrament of Reconciliation for absolution and for his objective view of the situation. For many survivors, the level of self-blame is disproportionate to any harm that they may have done. Self-punishment does not help the deceased, nor does it aid survivors. Rather, it can be a hindrance to healing and a possible trap of self-contempt and depression. To combat the - 7 - temptation to self-punish or to hold onto guilt, try to re-focus: help others through education in suicide prevention; reach out to those who may be suffering from suicidal thoughts, or to other survivors who are grieving; choose another issue and channel energies in a constructive manner. Our merciful and loving God does not desire one’s prolonged torment over a suicide or over any tragic event. He wants His children to be at peace. If reflecting upon this and other readings, talking to others, and taking everything to the Sacrament of Reconciliation have not eased the feelings of guilt, it is time to look for additional support. Many have found this support by meeting with a counselor individually, or along with other family members, or by becoming involved with a bereavement support group. Special bereavement groups exist for those dealing with the suicide of a loved one. There, group members will be familiar with the struggles particular to survivors of suicide. It is fine to begin by listening to others at group meetings, but eventually being able to share one’s personal experiences with those who truly understand can be a great relief and consolation.
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