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(Apr 19). areer & Employment Services (CES) is a student ser FSWEP vice office dedicated to assist you in your job search • U of L Pronghorn Athletics Summer Activity Camp Leader (Apr 12). The Federal Student Work Experience Program (FSWEP) C and career planning. We are located in the Career is the primary vehicle through which federal departments • Chinook Country Tourist Association — Tourist Resources Centre - Room D610 about midway down and agencies recruit students for some 8,000 temporary Counsellor. Literature Distribution Coordinator (Apr 5). University Hall on the 6^ level. students. • UofL Housing Services - Short Burst Cleaning, Casual Our Career Resources Library contains university and col There is no deadline for applying to the general Invento Summer positions (ASAP). lege calendars from across Canada, employer information, ry. However, certain departments hire students earlier • Town of Blackfalds - Summer Day Camp Leader (Apr handouts on standardized testing such as LSAT, MCAT. job than others. You will be selected on the basis oi your 30). and Coordinator (Apr 26). binders and an array of career planning information. We cdui ation. experience and geographic preference for other • Heritage Park. Calgary- Seasonal Employment maintain a job board, conduct workshops in resume writing positions with the federal government. Apply online at Opportunities (ASAP). and interviewing, and organize events like the annual http://jobs.gc.ca Career Fair. Stop by and talk to Pat, Diane or Cheryl about • Graduate student in Lethbridge requires summer research assistance in weed bio-control (ASAP). our services. We are here to help you! You can also check Part-Time [deadlines are in brackets] out our website for more detailed information: • College Canada Painting - Summer Management oppor • TD Canada Trust - Customer Senice Representative www.uleth.ca/reg-ces/. tunities (ASAP). • Pumphouse Theatres. Calgary - Program Leaders (Apr (ASAP). Our Job Board is in University Hall, across from the Pizza 8). • Denny's - Sening staff & Cooking staff (April 10). Hut Express where we post all part-time, full-time, volun • Town of Sundre - Summer Program Coordinator (Apr • Personal Care Attendant for Young Female Adult. Two teer, summer and international positions. The 'Current 8). part-time positions (ASAP). Jobs' binder in the Resource Library enables you to photo • Heidelberg Inn. Lethbridge - Housekeepers (ASAP). copy any of the positions (at your own expense) you see on • Grasslands Public Schools. Brooks - Summer Students for Maintenance Dept. (Apr 5). • Gay and Lesbian Alliance of Lethbridge and Area - the Job Board. So if you want to make copies of any posi Project Leader (Apr 15). tions, come in. • Zum's Eatery & Mercantile - Retail and Restaurant Help (Apr 19). • Whoop Up Race Track - Office position (ASAP). • Applied Studies Opportunity! Amyotrophic Lateral Summer Jobs [Deadlines in brackets! • City of Calgary - Various Summer positions (ASAP). • UofL Conference & Event Senices - Conference Hosts. Sclerosis Society of Alberta - Walk to D'Feet ALS • The Lake at Heritage Pointe. DeWinton - Recreation On-call and Live-in (Apr 5). Coordinator (May 13). Director and Assistant Recreation Director (ASAP). • Fort Whoop-Up Interpretive Centre - Clerk/Receptionist, • UofL Conference & Event Services - Conference Hosts • Palliser Health Region, Medicine Hat - Website Site Interpreters (Apr 12). (Apr 5). Developer (ASAP). •YMCA Camp Chief Hector - Summer Staff (ASAP). • The Duke of Edinburgh Award - Lethbridge Field • The Lethbridge HIV Connection - Public Relations and • Young Canada Works in both Official Languages with Representative (ASAP). Marketing Assistant (Apr 15). positions across Canada - must be fluent in French and • Chinook Health Region - various positions (ASAP). • Boulton Creek Trading Post. Kananaskis - Summer staff English (Apr 15). (ASAP). • Waterton Lakes Lodge - Front desk agent, Housekeeping Full-Time positions [not OCR]. • Dr. Marc Roussel. U of L Dept. of Chemistry and attendant. Food and Beverage Server, Recreation Facility Deadlines are in brackets. Biochem - Computational Chemistry position (Apr 15). Attendant, Prep Cook/Dishwasher. Line Cook (Apr 5). • Rocky Mountain Paddling Centre, Calgary - • UofL - Office of the President - General Clerk II (Apr 5). • Fort McMurrav Public Library - Summer Programmer • Care-Tech Environmental Senices, SK - Environmental Canoe/Kayak Instructors (Apr 12). (April). • Hilgerson Paving Stone & Landscaping Inc.. Coaldale - Technician (ASAP). • Allied Arts Council of Pincher Creek - summer employ • TD Canada Trust - Agricultural Relationship Manager, Construction Laborer (ASAP). ment (May 4). • Lifesaving Society. Edmonton - Member Senice Project and Financial Services Representative (ASAP). • Soyang Market Gardens. Ltd., Leduc - student positions • TELUS, Burnaby - Financial Analyst-Financial Coordinator: Education Project Coordinator (Apr 19). (ASAP). • County of Warner #5 - Seasonal Equipment Operators Management Training Program (Apr 5). • Northern Tier, Minnesota, Ontario. Manitoba - wilder • University of British Columbia - Cell Culture Technician ness canoe trippers (ASAP). (ASAP). • Keyauwee Program Centre (North Carolina) - • Critical Mass, Calgary - Copywriter (Apr 5). various camp positions (ASAP). • Katimavik - project leaders (Apr 12). • Maple Leaf Pork - summer opportunities • City of Calgary - various positions (ASAP). (Apr 15). • Financial Benefit Inc., Lethbridge - financial advisors • Homestead Antique Museum, Drumheller - (Apr 15). student newspaper of The University of lethbridge Summer Student (ASAP). • Pipestone Health District, SK - Community Dietician • Student painters in Lethbridge (ASAP). (Apr 5). An autonomous body, separate from the U of L Students' Union • Pembina Valley Bible Camp - Head • Stem Cell Technologies, Vancouver - Product Manager SU-166.4401 University Drive West, Lethbridge. AB T1K 3M4 Wrangler, Program Director (Apr 15); Assistant (Media Products), (ASAP). Wrangler, Secretary, Counsellors. Head Cook. • University Technologies International lnd., Calgary - First Aid Attendant/Nurse, Mountain Biking meliorism • n. (L melior, better) The belief Marketing Associate, Medical and Life Sciences (Apr 12). Instructor. Ministry Training Team Leader that the world naturally tends to get better • Canadian Forces - logistics officers (ASAP). (June 15); Outdoor Education and that this tendency can be furthered by • AgCall Human Resources - General Mgr, Special human effort. Instructor/Naturalist (ASAP). • Sundance Lodges Campground - Projects Mgr, Project Coordinator, Sales Representatives. Environmental Agrologist. Marketing Agronomist, and The Meliorist is the student newspaper of the University of Resen ations/Housekeeping/Labour (ASAP). Lethbridge, published most Thursdays throughout the academic • Canyon Church Camp. Waterton Lakes - Sales Coordinator (ASAP). year by The Meliorist Publishing Society, an autonomous Camp Counsellors, Directors, Caretaker, • Communications Security Establishment - Language incorporated body. Cook. Cook's Helper (Apr 19). Specialists (May 1). Please address all correspondence to The Meliorist 4401 • YoWoChAs (YWCA of Edmonton) Outdoor • Public Service Commission of Canada - various posi University Drive, Lethbridge, Alberta, T1K 3M4, or drop it off at room Education Centre - various positions (ASAP). tions (ASAP). SU-166. Deadline for submissions is Sunday at noon. The phone • YM-YWCAThunderbird Outdoor Centre, • Canadian Mission to the European Mission, Brussels - number is (403) 329-2334 or fax us at 329-2333. Internships (Apr 30). The Meliorist appreciates and encourages the writing of thoughtful, Victoria - Camp Staff (ASAP). concise, timely letters. However, The Meliorist will only consider for • Kilmorey Lodge - Positions available in • Enterprise Rent-A-Car, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, publication those letters which are signed by the author (special housekeeping, dining room, maintenance, Calgary & Edmonton. Management Trainees (ASAP). arrangements may be made for those wishing anonymity, but kitchen, and front desk (ASAP). • Canada Customs and Revenue Agency - Various online absolutely no pseudonyms), contain the authors legible name, • Saskatchewan Public Service Commission - positions, including Trust Accounts address, telephone number and student identification number Various positions within the Saskatchewan Compliance/Collections Contact Officer, Program Officers. (address, I.D. and phone number not for publication). Letters may be Income Tax/Excise/Tax Auditor and others. edited for brevity, clarity and legality. government (ASAP). • Junior Forest Ranger Program - Crew • Royal Bank of Canada - Agricultural Banking Account The Meliorist reserves the right to edit submissions and will not Manager Training Program, Customer Service print libelous material. Members (Apr 19). Representative, Business Banking Account Manager Etlnur iii-Chiet • Chris Grabill • Hire A Student Summer Employment Training Program. Personal Financial Services Business Manager • John Bowman Officers in Red Deer, Camrose, Wetaskiwin, Copy Editor • Brett Parker Stettler and Rocky Mountain House (ASAP Representative (ASAP). News Editor • Tyler Christensen through FSWEP, see info below). • Bank of Nova Scotia - Entry level positions as Personal Sports Editor • Chris Brown • Field Biology Assistant to work for graduate Banking Officer, Account Manager, Cdmmercial PllOtO Editor • Amanda Rentz student researcher. (Apr 15). Relationship Manager; Financial Advisor (ASAP). Entertainment Editor • Robert Pound • Summer Work-Student Exchange - • Canadian Forces Recruiting - Regular & Reserve (ongo Production Manager • Mick Pariseau Coordinators (ASAP). ing). Typesetter • Diana Cooper • Chinook Health Region - various positions (ASAP). Distribution Manager • Jay Hubick Production Assistant • Jaime Howes Ad Manager • Tyler Anderson Web-Master • Roopi Dhaliwal Printing • Southern Alberta Newspaper Group
Contributors: Joe Fink, Alicia McKenzle, The Onion, Sammy the Soused Pronghorn and of course... Jim the Corporate Asshole.
This issue brought to you by: Tawny for looking like Audrey Hepburn and acting like a goat, and liking the Idea of chickens playing the piano, and rats fighting in cramped quarters.
00 the Cover: Your Pecker Covar ptwto try J«ff aVLauftw The Meliorist. thursday april 04.2002 - page 3
By Chris Grabill up the odd thing from the ject that they are teaching us. student organizations, clubs out of texts and possibly Editor in-cnief endless lectures by academic With all this wisdom comes an and participate in sports, I skewing with their views. wizards. For other students, I amazing amount of bias and applaud you as beyond better Develop your own thoughts y tenure at the did notice a healthy majority opinion that leaks into lec ing yourself in numerous and interpretations. No for University and at the completely devoid of any com tures, including a complete ways, you enhance the school mula, quote or method is M Meliorist is coming to mon sense or individual faith that what they studied and hopefully the whole post- absolutely correct for every its end. Four years, a pile of thought. These are the people for seven years is a holy script secondary experience for gen situation on the planet and issues and a couple dozen that really gain a lot from that is infallible and therefore erations to come. that is what is the essence of pounds...What to do now? their time at post-secondary. needs to be learned and The things I have learned higher learning. And good I am sure I will figure it out, Maybe I was one also four absorbed to its fullest. Of working at the paper are professors reward those who but for the time being, I think years ago when I rushed to course, I do not paint all pro incredible. My interaction show creativity, flexibility and I will this windy little burg four fessors with the same brush, I with people from different fac effort beyond telling back to f # reflect years ago all dewy eyed, sober have had some amazing ulties and the community, my them what they have told you. on and hopeful, but now I instructors who made the application of skills learned in Do not over-study or over- believed I have gained some most boring subject interest class, and my pride and learn. Develop. Attain this in wisdom. But still, ing and ensured I learned the involvement developing some any way you see fit, but I some people I important stuff (I am referring thing tangible every week have hope it betters our school and observed who to my outspoken accounting made me feel I am leaving enhances your peers' experi are four years prof primarily, but there have university with a well rounded ences, as that is when it is deep have been others). The professors I mind and resume. It was by truly beneficial. regressed to speak of are just creatures of far the best class I have To end, I would like to con time here and what another level of their environment. They are taken. gratulate my staff on an I really have learned. obliviousness and uncreativi- academics. For you, the So to all you people with amazing year. We did our Historically, every E-in-C I ty. Furthermore, they have young student who plans on years left in their education, best, it may not seem like that have talked to wants to start a developed an ego only an taking their education to post try something. A 4.0 may get at times, but ifyou truly look column like this and then undergraduate degree could grad levels, may quit reading your foot in the door but if back, we had an incredible leave a blank page, but then provide. I fully admit I have a as this is because it is exactly you don't learn the lessons of year and I am uncontrollably chicken out. I am going to good sprinkling of cynic in my what you need and your devo life, you are as useless as a proud of all of you and wish chicken out as well. thoughts, but believe some tion to knowledge will serve liquor store in Cardston. It is you all great success in the Many things I have learned words I said at the beginning you well. But for us who are easy to start a club, join a future. I have learned a were mainly a confirmation of the year still hold true. here solely for a good time team, find a volunteer oppor bunch from all of you and am and further understanding of University cannot be taken too and a Bachelors, read on. tunity or put on an event for certain that you will all things I already knew. I seriously or literal. And far At the beginning of the year, the rest of the student body. achieve what you hope and I thought this was OK, but too many degree holders have I wrote of a need for increased You will really see what you would like to think your reign what about all the money and hindered themselves by doing student involvement. I still have learned and what you at the Meliorist would have time I am investing to do this? what I just said. stand by that and even fur may want to do at the end of something to do with it. Would I not be better served The classes we are in have ther implore you to get your school career. And, of course, good luck to entering a career to learn experts who have vast involved during your tenure at As for your lessons, listen to Chris Brown and his staff for stuff? Well, upon further amounts of knowledge and the University of Lethbridge. your instructors, but see next year's publishing year. looking, I suppose I did pick years of researching the sub To the people who work in beyond what they are pulling Pro-life club refused ratification by Tyler Cbrlstensen to be a section of the club's constitution McHugh points to the Health Centre and camp. News Eilitor that outlined its guiding principles." Campus Women's Centre as already "We want to change minds," she said. According to section 4.1, 'The members offering similar, and possibly better, ser To get a better idea of where the iting several problems with the of LSL recognize that . . . life begins at vice. "It's guaranteed confidential, espe University community stands on abortion club's constitution, the Students' conception and ends at natural death." cially with the Health Centre," said issues, LSL plans to conduct a survey of C Union has refused to ratify The GA expressed concern that this McHugh. 'They are professionals doing public opinion. According to Fowke, Lethbridge Students for Life (LSL). would lead to discrimination, as only this, as opposed to those who might not everyone will eventually come in contact In a mailbox ballot during the first students who subscribe to those beliefs have the proper training offering this with abortion, either directly or indirect week in March, the General Assembly would be welcome in the club. advice." ly. voted against ratifying the club. The "It's not about the issue," said McHugh "Anything that shows both sides, to us, While the Students' Union entered the final tally was one in favour to 10 "It's whether it's open ,,_ M * . is pro-choice," results of the mailbox ballot into the opposed, with one abstention and three to all students in a "Do we want to spend said Friesen. public record at the March 251*1 GA members failing to return ballots. fair and objective According to meeting, LSL is still waiting for some The motion to ratify LSL was originally manner." money supporting two McHugh, another kind of formal notice and would also like brought before the GA February ll"1, According to Friesen groups to butt heads on debate centers on their $20 deposit returned. where several members voiced concern and Fowke, discrimi funding, especial 'The reason why they wanted [some over aspects of the club's constitution. nation was not the an issue that we don't ly if both pro-life thing in] writing was to take it to legal However, rather than take the matter to main focus of the even realiy want to be and pro-choice counsel, and we weren't going to give a vote, the SU decided to allow organiz meeting with McHugh part of? [That's] just, in clubs were to them something unless we had our legal ers Jenessa Fowke and Sonya Friesen to and Jackson, rein start up. "Do we counsel review it," said McHugh. meet with President Matt McHugh and forcing their claim some ways, wasting want to spend 'There's no question we have the author Vice-President Internal Affairs Trish that the constitution student money to argue money supporting ity to ratify or not register any club in Jackson, in the hopes of working out does not discrimi two groups to our organization. It's just that we want changes both sides could agree on. nate. They have also about something that butt heads on an to make sure we're doing it with good run the document by 'The discussion, perhaps, was not as issue that we and just reasons." a lawyer to ensure it who knows what the don't even really productive as it could have been. No want to be art With the semester nearly over, LSL is is sound. looking towards the fall. The club will be changes were made." said McHugh, answer is." of? P adding that he doubts the club will ever Fowke takes the ma a m --M mm *. of? [That's] just. choosing a new executive Friday. April matter very seriously. - SU President Matt be ratified without significant constitu in some ways, 5th, at lpm in SU-010. According to "I think [it) would be tional modifications. wasting student Fowke, the club will likely pursue ratifi appropriate if they McHugh, on one of the According to McHugh, the decision has money to argue cation again next academic year. apologized to us, about something nothing to do with the personal beliefs of reasons the Lethbridge Although anyone can form a club at the because discrimina that who knows Students' Union members. The General UofL, there are several advantages to tion is a pretty big Students for Life club what the answer Assembly is doing a terrific job at putting having it ratified by the Students' Union. claim to be making," is," he said. everything aside and going basically and was not ratified. Receiving more than just official recogni she said. While fostering simply on our constitution and our tion, ratified clubs are eligible lor a $200 Rather than focus debate is an bylaws." he said. start-up grant, as well as up to $200 in on discrimination, McHugh and Jackson important part of the LSL mandate, However. LSL organizer Sonya Friesen matching grants each semester. They brought up other issues. "I actually Fowke noted that it is also part of the has a different take on the situation. also have free access to SU facilities, went through with a fine-toothed comb, UolL philosophy. She explained that the 'They didn't want to ratify a controversial including the club rooms on 0 level and and there was quite a few things that we club holds discussion sessions where club," she said. the Zoo ballrooms. Each ratified club asked to be omitted." said McHugh. ideas about abortion can be tossed When LSL originally appeared before also has a seat on Clubs Council, which around. The forums are open to anyone, the GA, the main sticking point seemed One point of contention is that LSL meets monthly. plans to provide counseling to students. even individuals from the pro-choice page 4 - The Meliorist. thorsday april 04,2002 news When does art go too far? Student purees pet galdHish for Multimedia assignment
by Tyler Cbrlstensen the blender. Orangie is instantly sliced into a million To help channel the response, Smith created an e-mail News Editor tiny pieces, clouding the water. The blender stops and list regarding Taylor's video, allowing students to weigh in on the issues at hand. "I was glad that it got people the bits of Orangie settle to the bottom. With the con thinking about the issues of animal cruelty, or the owell Taylor has become something of a legend in tents poured out into a styrofoam cup. the camera pulls issues of what is too far. what is art. what is humour," the Multimedia Department. back to show Taylor pick up the cup and take a big said Taylor. swig. L However, on the animal cruelty side, Taylor does not The second-year student gained notoriety after com As the credits role, the climactic moment is replayed see what the fuss is all about. "A fish is a beautiful pleting an assignment for his Multimedia 2030 class, over and over in slow-motion. "No animals were harmed creature to me, but it is just a little fish that we eat one goal of which was to provoke a strong reaction in in the making of this film," states the video, "except everyday," said Taylor. "It's not a big thing to me. the viewer. No one who has seen Taylor's submission Orangie." "It's commendable that people care, but at the same would doubt he got full marks for that aspect. Needless to say, the film elicited a strong emotional time. I think people need to re-evaluate," he said. "That Taylor's video, entitled "orangie and i," opens with a response. "This poor innocent little fish with big eyes got more of a reaction than the other videos in the class, blender sitting on a table. A fishbowl rests beside it, was just minding its own business and somebody put it where there was very explicit, illegal sexual activity." and inside swims a sick goldfish named Orangie. A in a blender and killed it right in front of our eyes," said Taylor's classmate Chris Vance believes artists should hand reaches into the frame, scoops out Orangie and Dr. Will Smith. "[The class] found that very shocking. be free to explore their creativity. "Everybody should places him in the blender, half full of water. The camera "What Lowell did was to utilize a traditional advertising support Lowell because it's his artwork and it's his way zooms in on the fish, and the hand is seen to stroke the technique where you shock the viewer, get their atten he wants to display it." glass. tion, titillate them," said Smith, adding that the reaction After an excruciatingly long pause, the hand activates he received is highly desired in the art world.
Photo ••Horn aufatrUttCKJ by artist SU members push for change at Election ramblings Ottawa conference by Alicia Financial Aid system. The unique artwork what's up with the McKenzle "Our biggest push at includes students from News Writer this conference was try around the UolL campus. policy? ing to get changes to the 'The banner had circu he University of Canada Student Loan lated our school, and we Lethbridge sent program," Jackson said. had gotten thumbprints Comment election. The fact Granted, extra not to say that TStudents' Union "We found that, in gener from students around of the matter is campaigning isn't such a candidate President Matt McHugh al, almost everyone was campus," Jackson stated. by Alicia the names we see lifting your entire would exist, and McKenzle and Vice-President receptive that there need She continued, "we took on the new ballot term paper from if they did, would Academic Terri Jackson to be changes to the it [to Ottawa] and assem News Writer could very well be the Internet. not do an as representatives to the Student Loan program, bled it with all the other the same names Still, giving a can admirable job. recent Canadian Alliance whether it be increasing [banners from Canadian we first saw in the didate a second Should the his year's of Student Associations limits or reducing inter Universities] and then middle of March. chance to break UofL's SU election Students' (CASA) conference. est rates. took it to Parliament If that is tlie case, the rules puts a policy make such Union elec The conference ran "It was very, very posi Hill." T Fisher could be pall on the an allowance? I tion fell into the from March 15th-24lh. tive." The banner will remain re-elected. am pre category of con All students in atten Students can current in Ontario at Brock This scenario Granted, extra cam troversial. As suming dance met with over 65 ly claim up to $3 000 in University for the Annual is, of course, paigning Isn't lift some of you are that a stu MP's, Legislative and scholarships tax-free. General Meeting in June, dependent on ing your entire aware, Vice- dent Executive assistants and Tax credit that can be where student leaders whether or not President term paper from knows members of the Senate. claimed is only on the will set goals for the Fisher and his Administration tlie Internet. Still, more The Right Honourable interest of a student upcoming academic year. former competi winner Robert giving a candidate about their Joe Clark, Deputy loan. The UofL will be repre tor Gorm Fisher was a second chance to own facul Finance Minister Kevin A highlight of the con sented at the meeting by Hansen decide stripped of his ty than Lynch, and Health ference occurred on newly elected President to allow their break the rules position for one in Minister Anne McLellan th Meianee Thomas and VP names to stand puts a pall on tho March 20 when the allegedly breaking which they were among the partici Academic Jerrad Kubik. for a second process of a fair 'Education Builds a Students' Union have noth pants in key meetings CASA is a federal stu time. However, and democratic Nation' banner was election rules. ing to do between the Federal and dent lobby organization. why is it that unveiled on the steps of The General election. with acad student governments. The Association is a the SU election Parliament Hill. The Assembly deliber emically. coalition of 23 student rules allow for a Held in Ottawa, 50 stu banner, which covers 824 ated behind process of a fair Maybe 1 should governments, representa thrown-out candi dent leaders from across square feet, featured over closed doors for and democratic chalk my tive of over 310 000 post- date to run again Canada gathered to dis 50 000 thumbprints from over an hour election. thoughts up to secondary education stu if he or she cuss proposals to the students across Canada. before handing And what about the naivete of a dents Canada-wide. chooses to do so? country's Student down their ver the faculty repre first year student. dict. Oh, to be a Maybe it's just sentatives? Up After all, it is the fly on the wall . . . me, but the until nearly two student body that acknowledgement The overthrow weeks ago, I has the power to Don't drag it home... Store it at the 'Bin'!! of cheating con ing of the original thought that the elect their repre- stitutes complete election results, candidates for sentaUves for an •Paved lot *AII units lighted removal from the and the vacancy each faculty had academic year. situation in ques of Health to be from the The more of us •Monitored alarms •Secure steel walls tion. All year, Sciences, School faculty they were who take an university profes of Fine Arts and running to repre interest in how •Video Surveillance •Boxes & packing supplies sors drum into Edmonton cam sent. Under this the SU operates, their students the pus representa election policy, a the better repre value of dwelling THE STORAGE BIN tive positions, Management stu sented we will be. on the right side leaves UofL stu dent could run, Who knows? We *STUI)KNTRATKS* of the fence, citing dents in a posl and be elected, to might actually be severe punish tion to vote again represent stu able to gel 328-7000 during the April ment ami possible dents enrolled in answers to our expulsion the Fine Arts ever burning Open 7ila\:. a week l Ith and 12th by- ; ds". lllv. Thai is ramblings. St.N. [email protected] news The Meliorist, thursday april 04,2002 - page 5 Calgarian recruiters on UofL grads by Chris Grabill UofL recruits in the Calgary career stant communication between the Editor in -Chief sector. Armed with these tools, Calgary and Montreal offices, the two entrepreneurs are focusing Robert [Zagorsky) keeps me he school year is ending and on attracting graduates from the informed on the trends (recruit a good section of the stu University of Lethbridge as their ment opportunities) in the tech Tdent population is moving primary resource for entry-level sector out West and I reciprocate on to the proverbial 'next step.' and junior positions. by keeping him updated on oppor Graduates leave the school with a "[The students) from the tunities created by pharmaceutical degree and a vision, but need help University of Lethbridge are very head offices in the East." finding their first job or imple well-rounded, and easily integrate "We are paid by prominent com menting their career strategy. It is into the dynamic corporate envi panies to consult, screen, and a time of uncertainty, but a firm ronment much faster than recruits 'head-hunt' top performing indi lead by two alumni from the UofL from other universities," explains viduals that fit the company's core is aiding new graduates into the Zagorsky, a 2000 graduate of the competencies and culture," says corporate world. Neuroscience program. Zagorsky, who initially utilized one McLean Executive Consultants Many graduates of the UolL head such firm to locate his first job (MEC), first established in 1968, is to Calgary at the completion of after graduating. Zagorsky contin the longest running recruiting firm their program. It is a very difficult ues, "We look forward to meeting in Calgary. Robert Zagorsky pur step getting a career started with those individuals from the upcom chased the company, and part little experience. MEC provides ing graduating class." nered with Montreal office head graduates with assistance in locat If you would like more informa Mark Mooney, the two are altering ing the right fit with a company. tion on McLean Executive the scope a little. Zagorsky. who Mooney, who graduated in 1995 Consultants, you can contact enjoys success in Calgary's tech from the Faculty of Management, Robert Zagorsky or Mark Mooney sector and Mooney, who has risen highlights, "As a sales, marketing, at the corporate head office (403) to head office with a leading phar and executive management 270-8700. maceutical company in Montreal, recruiting firm, we are focusing on The website www.mcleanexecu- fully appreciate the benefits of a a few key areas. We have met a tlve.com is currently under con Photo submitted bv Bob Zngoralcy UofL education. The two have lot of people and formed solid rela struction. Once completed on May st Mclean Executive Consultants Mark fond memories of the campus, and tionships with key individuals in 1 . 2002. candidates will be able have nothing but rave reviews of our respective fields. With con to post resumes electronically. Mooney and Robert Zagorsky. Quebec leads Canadian commitment to higher education
by Mark Groenan will likely fall further in years to come. consistently placed near the top in the amount that universities can raise tuition Ottawa Bureau CMof. A spokesperson for the Quebec govern Maclean's rankings. by for the five years in most programs. Ottawa Bureau ment said its commitment to a tuition "We feel that the study has a very narrow Shaker said the rankings appear to show freeze and a generous loans and grants focus and really doesn't show the support that political will is the largest determi OTTAWA ICUP1 program was validated by the report. that universities in Ontario have," said nant of a province's success in supporting "We are very proud of Quebec's perfor Bruce Skeaff, spokesperson for Ontario's post-secondary education, noting that the recent report ranking provincial mance compared to the rest of Canada," Ministry of Training, Colleges and country's most populous province is at the governments' commitment to post- said Francois Lefebvre, Communications Universities. bottom, while many smaller provinces, Asecondary education has awarded Officer for the Provincial Ministry of Skeaff noted that Ontario universities such as Newfoundland, which recently high marks to Quebec, but suggests Education who also added that the rank third in the country in terms of total introduced a tuition rollback for university Ontario and New Brunswick are falling province intends to continue its tuition-fee operating income per student, but cau students, has moved up in the rankings. behind the rest of the class. freeze. tioned that financial resources do not nec "The rankings have nothing to do with The report, released by the Canadian However, Shaker said Quebec, or any essarily mean quality. Also, he said that the relative wealth of a province, but with Centre for Policy Alternatives, a left-wing other province, should not rest on their while the government feels tuition fees are a recognition that post-secondary educa think tank, ranks all 10 provinces in four laurels. "manageable," the province has limited the tion is important," Shaker noted. areas: accessibility, equity, accountability "All provinces really and quality. This is the third year the need to improve in terms organization has released the rankings, of their commitment to based on publicly available statistics, as a post-secondary educa part of its publication Missing Pieces III: tion," she said. An alternative guide to post-secondary Shaker added that education. Quebec needs to re-evalu Erika Shaker, one of the report's ate the role the private authors, said the rankings are meant to sector plays on campus DOOLY'S show the context in which universities are es, noting that the in and can complement the well-known province ranks second in Maclean's rankings of individual universi terms of percentage of good times, good friends ties. university operating 25 pool tables* 2 private rooms' "We compare the record of provincial gov funds coming from pri ernments based on their commitment to vate sources, a key com lounge group reservations' post-secondary education," she said. ponent of the account fireplace* pro shop- Shaker continued, "You can't ignore the ability ranking. membership privilei context that universities function in and to "Students and faculty which they're responding." are increasingly con "Obviously, we're looking at this in the cerned about the role cor context of federal funding cuts, but within porations are playing in that context we've seen provinces with research on campus," she very different priorities," Shaker empha said, referring to recent sized. cases involving David Shaker said all four areas are given Healy and Nancy Olivieri. equal weight in determining the final Ontario ranked last in ranking. the overall ranking for the "All four of these indicators have to work second consecutive year together to achieve the kind of post-sec in the quality and ondary education system we want," she accountability categories. said. New Brunswick fell Quebec earned the top spot, up from sharply to ninth in the second place last year, based on top rank rankings, from sixth place ings in the quality, accountability, and the previous year. accessibility categories. British Columbia However, the Ontario was ranked second, down from first last government said the year. The authors warn, however, that report does not reflect the with recent actions by B.C.'s Gordon quality of education in Campbell government, including the the province, noting that BOOK YOUR PRIVATE BOOMS TOBAY - wrs- MEMBERSHIP PRIVILEGES deregulation of tuition fees, the province Ontario universities have Now accepting resumes page 6 - The Meliorist, thursday april 04.2002 Owned by technology? by Cbrlstl Dabu. "always accessible and always Rvnrsouiau able to access." [Toronto CUP! Lightman is concerned particu As society Is gripped hy the everyday use ol technology, larly with the disappearance of t is a usual scene. "soul space" or the spiritual, pri there is growing concern that we are gluing up a part of vate realm of the inner self, as public space (which includes ourselves for a faster, wired world. It is past 5pm on a weekday people, deadlines, clocks and WebCT. a Web-based teaching teaching and learning." her teaching, showing the class and though most classes are cellphones) increasingly domi and learning tool that acts as a She said e-mail has made com Internet sites during her lectures done and hordes of students and nates the physical and inner munication easier between her and maintaining her own Web professors are on their way virtual extension ofa classroom. realms. On WebCT. faculty and students self and her 140 students. She site with course information for home, your university's computer Lightman says that we can be has spent two to three hours a students. lab is jam-packed. can post e-bulletin board mes swept up with the goals of effi sages, view video clips and class day answering messages and In fact, she encourages her stu The click-clacking of keyboards, ciency and productivity like notes, and even do running the WebCT site for her dents to be as "low tech" as pos incessant shrill of quizzes online. classes since 1999. sible, only using technology in ringing cellphones Students can even Zywno said that posting notes their presentations when neces and mumbled chatter submit their essays and video clips from lectures sary instead of using "technology pervade the room. on WebCT. online does not deter students for technology's sake." Students are rushing She adds that the root cause of to finish their papers In two years. Grant from missing class and actually a stressful and high-speed and assignments, try said he has graded helps them learn belter because ing to meet deadlines 10,000 students' they come to class more prepared lifestyle is the Western ideology in the pressure-cooker work this way. He and focused on asking questions that efficiency and productivity that is university life. also uses multimedia and discussing issues rather are the solutions to a better life. Communication with lectures to provide than writing down notes. "We certainly can't blame tech professors is just a interesting and con And despite the concern that nology because it's a product of click away, class tent-rich material for technology fosters more work, our society and culture," said notes and lectures students, such as swallowing up much of our free Maurer. "But we can blame have gone virtual, and using the Internet in time, Zywno says the WebCT technological society because we assignments can even class like a virtual does not require her students to set ourselves up with all these tutor. silly goals." be submitted on line. Is this where we are headedP put in more time than what is While many people "You can take stu required in the course. Lightman, who admits to being a "member of the two-cellphone say that technology is now an robots, hardly taking time out to dents out ofthe classroom into "It's important to realize that it family," suggests a solution in integral part of the learning free ourselves from unnecessary the real world by using technolo (technology) can be a powerful which the individual gains process, some experts are begin technological noise and gy," he said. ally in learning and that it ning to say that society needs to demands. Grant also said technology shouldn't be treated as a bur awareness of his or her use of slow down. But many people say we simply allows professors to be more den," said Zywno. technology. Alan Lightman, a professor of cannot escape the clutches of accessible to students. Grant also noticed students had He said people should take humanities at the Massachusetts technology, a defining facet of "If they can't find me in the less problems with WebCT when responsibility to ensure that they Institute of Technology, thinks Western society. office, they can send e-mail or he allowed an extra 24 hours for do not allow technology to that as the speed- and profit- Professor Ken Grant, director of leave a voice message," he said. the submission of projects or unnecessarily rob them of free obsessed wired world becomes Ryerson's Information Gosha Zywno, an electrical assignments online in the event time and overshadow priorities. faster, more public and less Technology Management engineering professor at Ryerson, of technological glitches. "I don't think we (Western soci patient, we need to rediscover Program, says he cannot fathom agrees that when it is used wise But not everyone is as keyed up ety) can find a way of slowing freedom through the privacy, getting through a day without his ly, technology is mostly beneficial to combine technology with edu down - only the individual can," silence and self-reflection of our three PCs, his laptop and his to society, particularly in helping cation. he said, adding that he discon inner lives. mobile phone. to enrich the education process. Jeanne Maurer, who teaches a nects his phone during dinner Lightman says that a highly "I think technology makes it feel Zywno says technology pro technology and the contemporary time as one small cure for a hec technological society can result like (the pace of life) is speeding motes the good communication environment course at Ryerson, tic life. in an obsession with speed, an up," he said. and prompt feedback. thinks technology should only be 'The important thing is to be impatience with slowness, a "Technology is one of the fac 'Technology can do wonders to used when needed as it can aware of our life underneath sense of information and stimu tors that can make it more make our lives easier," she said. make life more frustrating and technology, know our values, lation overload, and the loss of stressful." 'Technology can help students complex. know who we are and how we're privacy for individuals who are Even so, Grant relies on and professors be better at She uses technology to enhance living." Lethbridge Mini Storage News from the Onion School board adopts gay-ass 1415-33 Street North uniform policy LOS AHGELES, CA Seeking to reduce incidents of student violence and insubordination, the Los Angeles Unified School District voted 9-3 Monday to institute a gay-ass uniform pol 11 different bay siies icy. "We feel these lame uniforms, with their dorky ties and dipwad school crests, will help create a school environment more conducive to learning," said LAUSD board officer Jefferson Crain. "We foresee fewer outbursts when students are forced to walk around in these retardo suits." 10% STUDENT DISCOUNT ET toys forced on uninterested children CHERRY HILL. HJ Across the nation, toys and other merchandise produced for tlie 20th-anniversary Spring Sale rerelease of ET are being foisted upon uninterested children. 'This is the alien spaceship, but it doesn't even have any guns or anything," said Robbie Guyton, 6, 20% off 4 xW and attempting to make sense of toys bought for him by his mother, who fell in love with the heartwarming Steven Spielberg classic two decades ago as a 10-year-old girl. The ET monster is ever weirder: It's, like, all naked and shriveled, and it doesn't 10'xW'Bays have any battle armor. It's not scary at all." Guyton tried to figure out how to acti vate the death laser on the ET doll's finger, but was unable. 24 Hour Access Man hopes hot woman in next apartment can hear how well he is fucking his girl 329-1666 friend Ml It AIM Alt. FL During sexual intercourse Monday, Curtis Davie. 23, hoped that his attractive neighbor could hear the pleasured moans of his girlfriend through his apartment wall. "Don't get me wrong, things are going great with Amy," Davie said. "But it "You Lock It, You Keep The Key" certainly never hurts to have a hot chick next door who secretly knows you're a sex www.lethbridgeniinistorage.com ual dynamo." To increase his chances of being heard, Davie is considering moving his bed to the wall between his apartment and the neighbor's, or at least closer to the shared air duct. The Meliorist. thursday april 04.2002 - page 7
Wednesday. April 10"* 8pm, David Spink* Theatre Free admission Grocer by Michael Leads Macleruian Director; Tammy Casson OonttfTXi Wtimtng: Adult Subj.-rt Mutter Graceia a story about four stranger* in .• i .Hy, who eolncldently meet In one da) nifti ii»vc dramatic effects on each othera Uvea Boiling People In My Cojflfce hy Jonathan Yurtck Director: Tretta Moore < ontaln* micro people baiting to death In your coffee cup white ><>»» MI across from your spouse The corpse of your son warms ihe i»eai between you < :hnosl i his Is the Brat public performance for this plav. t-ar Whom tttr Southern ffcrfte Toils by Christopher Dttrang Director) Daniel Lltchlnaky dmifnt Warning: Aetutt Sulffect Matter This play is a. dark satire of The Oloas Menagerie Each charactet i* juwt i> Utile mom over the top. A mother's hopes, s broiiwis dreams, pathos, humor, end coming up tragedy all become Incorporated In this piny. This is th<- Brat public performance tor tht*> piny. Fine Arts Release Thunuiay. April 11'*. ents of directing students. ing with play selections, 8pm David Spink* Theatre, The performances are finding fellow students to Free Admission ne act plays of every presented using rehearsal act, rounding up costumes Moonlight Marionette* by Andy Rvans Director; Htormsnie Shafrp description fill the furniture and stock cos and set pieces, as well as Three Miiitni!,t- characters arrive in a moonlit park What arcr ihey running O four nights of the tumes. They provide practi directing the production. Don). <.v!i<> are they fi .«« .uni. mosl imp>ii-uuK. win! do they stand t<> lose? Directors' Showcase at the cal hands-on experience for The offerings provide some Buck Sbnpte by Craig Pols Director; Tawny Lettan UofL David Spinks Theatre students who want to thing for everyone and, in This is .< story of whs i happens when s Hollywood »mr catches l»«-r Bancee In •» compromising position with another town, Thi* hilarious <>n*:- act plav IM *~O full April 10th- 13th at 8pm. become directors," said pro some cases, include the
dear life, must flee the icy grasp for acceptance, and Diego simply their own sub-plots, and person of nature. wanted to eat everyone. These al demons that they have to bat Return to the Ice Age The film then shifts, through a intentions were expressed suc tle proved to only enlighten the Hy RoUert Pound rel, sets the tone for the rest of turn of events, to link up three cessfully as the physicality of story. Because the pathos Entertainment Editor the film. As we watch him scour animals, who must fulfill a mis these characters poked through. grounded the story, making the the icy plains, looking for a place sion. There is Manfred the In one scene as these characters audience aware, among the pre Directors: Carlos to hide his acorn, we are struck Woolly Mammoth (voiced by Ray are crossing an ice bridge, with historic hijinx, tliat these charac by his deranged antics. When Romano), Sid the Sloth (voiced ters have emo Saldanha, Chris this wiry character, through a by John Leguizamo). and Diego tions and con series of events, knocks down a the Sabre toothed Tiger (voiced cerns of their Wedge by Denis Leary). own, only made Voiced by: Ray Together these char the humour that acters must return a much funnier. Romano, John human baby to its The investment tribe. that the audi Leguizamo, Denis This film worked ence brings with Leary because of its sim its empathy plicily. Because the allows both the filmmakers set out funny and the nimation, a genre of film the premise of the sad to be experi making that has been story early in the enced. monopolized by Disney, A film, a lot of room is lava down below, Manfred, For a person who usually has seen quite an increase by left for the charac through his annoyance and frus strays away from what he deems other film producers in the last ters and the group dynamics to tration with Sid's sluggishness, "kiddie fare," this reviewer left couple of months. With glacier, sending it towards him, gestate. What worked really punts him in the air. Scenes like most pleased. The manipulation Twentieth Century Fox's contri we can't help but notice the well, over the course of the film these worked so well because of ofthe animation and story struc bution of Ice Age, a new voice is physical humor. The purpose of was the development of the the opportunities animation ture allowed a compact story to heard, giving the audience a dif fleeing from the oncoming glacier group. The unwillingness that allow. be told. It will be interesting, ferent style of animation and becomes self evident as Scrat is these characters had towards What surprised me most about with other non-Disney animated humour. pummelled with shards of ice. It each other was fun to watch as this film, though, was the pathos fare, to see the direction that In the opening scene Scrat, a is quite amusing as this charac Manfred simply wanted to be ldl that was marbled through out story and animation will go. combination of a rat and squir ter, holding onto his acorn for alone, Sid was constantly looking the story. Giving the characters JOSH FREUND, page 10 - The Meliorist. thursday april 04,2002 entertainment
What do you think of the eliorist forgetting to do Question of the Week? "Oops, I peed myself. Good thing I have my Helmut." Bobby Bicycle 4th year Charmin's Buddy
"How you say. poop op stick?"
Jeany 7th year Head Cheese
"I love it! By the way, I just sot kicked in the junk!" Chrissy Cross 1st year Crotch-Boxing
"I've got Ibigger problems than that!" Charm in Softy 3rd year Sndt-Rocket Scienth
"I'm a little preoccupied wit$^>ussy, here." Max, e Mouse yearn Gettin' too ihuch The Meliorist. thursday april 04.2002 - page 11 'Horns Hockey
too early Future looks bright
by Chris Brown unable to get points when they needed During the last few regular season Add to the solid goaltending the great Sports Editor them. The slow second half had a games and into the playoffs Head young defense of Lloyd Mullen and team that earlier had a shot at over Coach Doug Irwin was able to give Matthew Brunner and the 'Horns look he University of Lethbridge taking Calgary in the standings, but some of the younger players more ice pretty good on the back-end. The solid Pronghorn Men's Hockey team ended up battling with UBC just to time and no one took better advantage play that the top line displayed this Tseems to be stuck in a rut. For make it to the post-season. Eventually the third straight year the 'Horns had a the Pronghorns did win and once again good start to the season, fell off a little faced their rivals to the north without during the second half and were elimi home-ice advantage. An 8-0 blowout in nated by the Calgary Dinos in the first- Game one pretty much signalled the round of end for the play offs after fininsh- ing in third place in the tough Mountain Division. The team played well dur ing the first half ofthe season and flirt ed with a national ranking by <:inf. Grat>||| J 1 | ( • x • I for a few weeks in November. A 5-5-4 son did not come without its high record at the break may not have lights. As said the team consistently Photo by Chris Grabill seemed like much, but the team was was in the national rankings for the definitely improving and coming togeth first half and Neufeld was able to gain of the opportunity than goaltender year will keep opposition goaltenders er with each passing series. The top All-Canadian status for his great play Brooke Kosolofski. He was brilliant in on their toes and the added year of line of Mike Collens-Ryan Epp-Jeff ing, the first time a Pronghorn has a relief appearance in Edmonton experience for Charlie Mattersdorfer, Neufeld was seemingly scoring at will received that honor in six years. Of against the Golden Bears and was Chad Kletzel, and John Wegenast will against Canada West goalies. Andy course finishing second in Canada awarded a few starts after that where provide the Pronghorns with a good Houthays and Kirby Millar were provid West scoring and fourth in the nation he continued his stellar play. nucleus for next season. ing solid goaltending in front of what with 43 points could was often a depleted defensive corps. not have been done After a successful trip to Germany over without the excep r ^ the Christmas break things were look tional play of his ing up for the second half. linemates. The injury bug bit even harder in the The future does second half of the season and coming look bright for next down the stretch the Pronghorns were year's squad. The final .••"•' Missing a Piece of by Chris Brown the last two years. Those Your Snorts Editor years would not have been Degree? possible if not for the help of a The final minute is ticking lot of people. down on the clock and soon Thanks to all the Pronghorn the buzzer will sound. The players and coaches that I end of my incredible two-year have had tlie pleasure to meet experience as Sports Editor and work with over the last here at the Meliorist will soon two years. The entire Athletics Complete Your Degree Puzzle with Online come. Next year, I will be staff, especially Travis Grindle and Distance Education Business Courses moving on to greener pas for all your help. To Cory Get a business course to complete your degree, fit your timetable, tures. Well, not really. It's Wiens, Bryan Fennel and or accelerate your studies. From accounting to e-commerce and economics, actually just a bigger pay- Danielle Crossland. thank-you we offer year-round registration with expert academic support. And, you can cheque, less work (hopefully), for your help this year. To all study at your own pace, on your own time, and at your preferred location. and the whole new challenging of the Meliorist staff, thanks experience of being the Editor- for covering my mistakes and Contact us today for more Information. 1-866-731-0325, in-Chief of this great publica creating a great place to work tion next year. 1 have watched and learn. I'm sure success is two great years with two great in all your futures. Finally to \ editors and have a lot to live my replacement, Joe Fink, en - up to. It is a challenge I am your help was invaluable and Athabasca University Ok Canada's OP University looking forward to and one I'm sure you will do great next http://vltal.athabascau.ca that I would not have if not for year. [email protected] ^ page 12 - The Meliorist. thursday april 04,2002 sports beyond me. Come on people, not only is the season too long, the games are too long. It takes at least four hours to com plete a game. Most of this time is spent watching players spit and scratch them selves. I love to play baseball and think it's a great sport, but by Cbrls Brown end addition to this feat he is also ensures a playoff spot for the you won't see me watching any Joe Fink assured to bring home some Northern Alberta team. The games on TV until the fall clas hardware from this year's NHL race in the West should be excit sic rolls around. As far as this ing over the next couple of e're back, after several awards banquet. The only ques season goes. I only have this to weeks as only six points sepa Sammy the weeks on the shelf tion is where will his home be by say. "boo. hiss, barf, and piss." rate sixth and tenth. Also, it is Weveryones favourite col the time the puck drops in fhe long-awaited Tyson-Lewis great to see that Wayne Gretzky umn has retuned for one last September. With his contract fight has finally been set. On soused brought his Salt Lake Magic time this year. Much has gone up at the end of this season and June 8th the two and their no deal in place, many are wor back to Phoenix with him. Since on in the sporting world since entourage of useless thugs, ex- ried that Iggy will be on the first the break, the Coyotes have Pronghorn our last appearance so there will cons, and still-on-the-lam cons plane out of town. I personally been the hottest team in the be no shortage of topics this will descend upon The Home of don't think this is going to hap league and are battling with San week. There is the NHL playoff the King, Memphis, Tenessee. gives you: pen for two reasons. One is the Jose for the division lead. It is a race that is just heating up. the The fight will pay each fighter demise of the Calgary Flames, Flames ownership seams to be great thing to see Gretzky have $20 million and could very well the start of another season of committed to keeping him no success any time. Also. Phoenix end up being the biggest bust in Major League Baseball, and matter what the costs, and two goalie Sean Burke will get some history. If Lewis is able to keep Ten things to improve much much more. Iginla seems like the type of per consideration for the Vezina and Tyson outside it will be incredi First, let's look at the Calgary son who is loyal to his team and maybe even the Hart trophy. He sports in general. will likely be willing to give up has taken a team of no-names bly boring, and if Tyson gets Flames. As I am sure you are inside all it will take is one all aware of by now the Flames some cash to stay in Calgary. and made them a team to That being said, the Flames still watch-out for in the post-sea punch to Lewis' glass jaw. One are booking tee times for late thing is for certain though, this 1) Do something, anything, to April as opposed to hotel rooms need to act fast and come up son. with some coin if they hope to will definitley turn into a huge make the game faster. for any upcoming playoff series. In the East. Montreal and debacle and a brawl is not far see Iggy call Calgary home next Washington are tied for the last Especially baseball. This has possibly been the cru from possible. season. So get out there and spot with 77 points. The ellest season any Flames fan has If any men's magazine has any ever had to put up with. Most purchase your Breakaway To Rangers and Sabres sit five 2) Guest appearances by Anna Win tickets and help sense they would cur Kournikova. years after the first three weeks rently be signing up of the season we are quite cer pay for Iginla next sea What better day could there be some of the gorgeous tain the Flames will be taking to son. 3) Hot female athletes wear athletes of today for a the golf course early. However, to start the most-pointess, bor As far as the playoff massive pictorial. skimpier outfits while ugly ones this season they decided to give race is concerned, there ing, stupid, mind-numbing seaThink of the possibili stay and clean the locker room. us some false hope by contend are a few interesting ties. Bring in Anna ing with Detroit for first overall scenarios developing. son than April Fools day? Kournikova, Martina 4) Use plow to remove injured after the first 21 games of the In the West the Red Hingis, and Jennifer Capriati players from the playing sur season. While no one really Wings have secured first spot points back and have an outside from tennis, Mia Hamm from face. expected this pace to last, most and have positioned themselves shot if the can get on a roll and soccer, Cammi Granato from the people thought that not even the as the team to beat for the get some help from other teams. U.S. Hockey team, and our foxy 5) A player who makes a stupid Flames could miss the playoffs Stanley Cup. Any team that can Hopefully the Rangers, with all play to lose the game shall be after this kind of start. And yet knock them off in a seven game their high-priced talent will miss trio of Cassie Campbell, here we are with seven games series deserves to have the cup the playoffs for the fifth-straight Catriona Le May Doan, and drawn and quartered at mid- left in the year and the Flames awarded to them on the spot. year. What a joy it would be to Jamis Sale. That would be the field. preparing to put their skates The Oilers are playing well and see Messier, Leetch, Fleury, and greatest magazine ever. Of away for another long summer. it looks like they may claim the Bure all sitting on the sidlelines course a better idea would be 6) Winning team gets whores One bright star for the Flames eighth spot in the West although in two weeks. The battle for Playboy, but that is probably a and losing team gets to be this year has been the play of they would like to pass LA or St. first should be an intense battle little too much to hope for. whores for inmates. Jarome Iginla who is now just Louis so they can avoid the between Boston and Speaking of the "Bunny," ESPN four goals away from becoming Wings in the first round. Their Philadelphia. It appears that fitness queen Kiana Tom is on 7) Have me, Sammy, involved in the first Flame to notch 50 in a victory over Dallas on the week the Flyers are doing much better the current cover. every sport in some capacity. season since Gary Roberts. In end may be the game that now that they have Lindros One last topic the NCAA tour behind them. nament came to a close with the 8) More drunken crack heads. April Is* marked the start of championship game on Monday another season of baseball. night. If this is of interest to 9) Olympic sports now deter This is the day baseball fans you read the related article mine the fate of the world, sorry everywhere flock to their televi found in this week's sports sec Canada. sion to catch the all-important tion. Thanks to all those (if any) who game one of ten thousand. 10) Randomly insert exploding read this column throughout the How fans can follow a season baseballs into each game. that is this long and still think year and we'll see you again in that a game played in April has the fall. any effect on the playoff race is Ties Mas PI* es North City Limits
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SUN: HAPPY HOUR ALL DAY! BE PREPARED FOR THE DUKE'S ANNUAL LAST CLASS BASH PARTY! RStof A «E SPACE TCDAY! OPEN ? WS A M. 2U \m ACCESS $ BUSWES9 HOURS Details to come. sports The Meliorist, thursday april 04.2002 - page 13 Maryland takes its' first Hockey Pool Update
ue to the Olympic break the ever national title NHL season will not be end ing until April 14th, which By Joe Fink Williams while the coach of D the end 97-88. is our last real issue of the year. NCAA the year went to Oklahoma's This set the stage for the Therefore, this is the last update. I Correspondent Calvin Sampson. This Monday night championship will be contacting the top five fin marked the second straight game starring Maryland and ishers to arrange times to distrib he remaining four year that a Duke player won Indiana. The game had ute money. If you have any ques teams in college bas this award as last season it good pace in the early tions or concerns please email us ketball came together went to Shane Battler. T stages and Maryland was at [email protected] Thanks to all this weekend to determine The second half of the able to take the lead. for playing and congratulations to who the best team in the game saw some strong play Maryland played an aggres all the winners. United States is. This from the machines of sive style defence and thus meant that the Final Four Indiana. They were able to was able to create some took place on Saturday and connect from beyond the steals. The forced a quick Monday evenings. The arc giving them a seven pace that Indiana struggled Kurt Dangerfield 869 national semi-finals saw point lead. Oklahoma bat to keep up with. However, 856 Oklahoma take on the tled back to tie the game, this pace did not last and Jim Savoy underdog Indiana and but Indiana continued to the game started to become Harpreet Dhillon 2 855 Kansas battle against play strong and regained a contest of who made the Rob Brown 854 Maryland. For all the fans their lead with six-points least mistakes. In the last Merlin Gietz 2 849 of college basketball this is and 1:45 left on the clock. half of the first there was a Chris Heavy Shield 4 848 the most anticipated week Indiana stretch of over Ryan Evans 846 end and the semi-finals was solid three minutes Chris Heavy Shield 3 846 proved to be no disappoint This game was from the where neither Merlin Gietz 1 839 ment. There were two num line the possibly the team was able to 835 ber one seeds battling to rest of the score. Jeff Tovee reach the national finals game and sloppiest game Van Duong 2 830 The score at Derek Dixon 827 along with a match-up that thus was of the entire the half was 31- featured a number two able to Chris Heavy Shield 827 Maiylands squad against a number five claim a 73 tournament and fa^ur Aaron Hesia 825 64 victory team. This meant that The second Hope Obin 2 821 and move was a bit of a Indiana was viewed as the half saw Indiana Vanessa Knight 3 820 on to the Cinderella story of the Final let down after come back and Jay Hubick 2 817 national Four despite beating teams take their first Keith Branson 816 champi the great play in such as Duke on their way lead of the ball- 815 onship Conrad Brock to the championship game. earlier rounds. game. However, game. Darren Watson 814 The first game on this lead was Craig Christensen 813 Saturday featured The second game of the short lived as Maryland Chris Grabill 810 Oklahoma against the evening featured two num knocked down a clutch Dusty Stauth 808 crowd favourite Indiana. At ber one seeds in Kansas three to put them ahead for the start of this game it and Maryland. Kansas good. The final score was Collin Shima 806 looked as though Oklahoma looked strong early in this 64-52 Maryland. This game Ryan Sorenson 806 would walk on to an easy game, as they were able to was possibly the sloppiest Chris Heavy Shield 2 806 victory. Indiana managed force the play. After a little game of the entire tourna Tamara Brock 805 only one field goal in the over three minutes the ment and was a bit of a let Jim Savoy 2 804 first 8 minutes and 30 sec Jayhawks were up 10-2. down after the great play in Luke Harper 804 onds of the first half. Maryland was able to battle earlier rounds. However Uie Sam Paskal 802 Despite this poor shooting back and keep the game tournament overall was a Ryan Pinder 802 within reach. With seven great success once again. performance Oklahoma had Tyler Speelman 2 801 only managed to build a 17- minutes left in the half On the women's side, the Harpreet Dhillon 801 9 lead. The pace then Maryland took their first University of Connecticut picked up later in the first lead of the ball game. By Huskies were able to com Vanessa Knight 801 half and Indiana was able to halftime Maryland led 44- plete their perfect season as Adrian Paolinelli 800 fight their way back into the 37. they knocked off Oklahoma James McBride 800 game. With seven minutes The second half was all in the finals with a score of Glenn/Sheila Brown 799 left to play, the lead had bad news for the Jayhawks. 82-70. The Huskies had a Sammy(Soused Pronghorn) 799 been cut only two points With seven minutes left on fantastic season as their 39- Brad Gould 798 with Oklahoma up 24-22. the clock Maryland led by 0 record indicates. Moraldo Rantucci 798 The rest of the half was high seventeen points. This lead With this being the end of Mark Olson 797 tempo with end-to-end play increased to twenty before another March Madness, Chris Guillet 794 Kansas was able to mount college basketball fans will and Oklahoma took a 34-30 Keith Branson 2 789 lead to the locker room. some kind of comeback. have to wait until next win Joe Fink 2 786 During the halftime break With 2:49 left to play. ter to catch more basketball CBS made their presenta Maryland's lead was down action. In the meantime Shaun Serafini 784 tions for the Chevrolet to only eight points. Kansas there is the NHL and NBA Rod Purchase 2 784 Player and coach of the year then managed to get within playoffs coming up to Tyler Speelman 3 784 awards. The player of the four to make the game appease your sports Kyle Shima 784 year went to Duke's Jason interesting, but lost out in appetite. Aaron Smith 781 CKUL 777 yDte^SoDtMr Wll Slati Aiklnstn - Owner by tlie uliusi of Youi Berra Dallas, Mike Comrie once again took-the- bull-by-the-horns as he scored the game Licensed Optician winner with only 56 seconds remaining. he playoff race has left me checking Perhaps. Dallas should learn not to squat the standings day after day as the with their spurs on. season ricochets toward an end with T The Flames have started to win for a five top-notch teams (Edmonton. change. Yet they should never forget that Vancouver, LA, St. Louis, and Dallas) bat timing has an awful lot to do with the out FU N* tling it out for a measly three playoff-spots come ofa rain dance. in the Western Conference. Of the Oilers five remaining games three The Oilers have continued on with their are against non-playoff teams, one is Come Check us out. heroic trench traversing battle to remain a against the Phoenix Coyotes, and one will major contender for a playoff spot. This be another hard-fought battle against the hooker-ln-Vegas shol is one monorail thai Kings as both teams try to make the play Eye exams arranged too. is not coining oil the (rack one dinky car Offs In the tOUgh Western Conlerence. The thai is noi rusting In the gutter. schedule looks prett) favorable for the This week has seen the Oilers tough-it-out Oilers to take another run at beginning to a tie with the Kings and slide 11 In to a another Edmonton dynasty. win over the stars, in the game against 327-1104 316 - 11 ST. SOUTH page 14 - The Meliorist. thursday april 04,2002 sports
much hope, a balls off for him to finish this dream sea like to see some Alberta content in the year that son right. post season, but can we really count began with a Will he get 100 points? Will he get 50 Redmonton as truly Albertan? I guess pile of points goals? I am going to be watching this and they do deserve credit because they don't and emerging rooting like crazy. The awards show will blow their foot off every time things are stars, a year also be quite the event. I think this man going well like my hapless boys of Calgary. that we were deserves all the hardware the NHL nomi But. I am a traditionalist and will never going to the nates him for. and that should be sub cheer for the Oilers, but if they make it, I show is now stantial. Also, we probably won't have to won't wretch as hard as I used to when winding down listen to a "the door is open" retarded the battle of Alberta was actually a battle to another Halle Berry type speech when he wins. and not a slap fight. early exit from The native of St. Albert has far too much For the remainder of the season Flames ••v an. fuck it f aan'r care NHL play. class to cheapen his achievements with faithful, you can join me at Brewster's guy Where did it go wrong? I do not even politics. That guy is a dandy. here in Lethbridge as they have some staff want venture a guess. Nor. am I thinking I suppose the other thing I can watch is that cater to our team and do their best to he season is almost over and as a about the off-season. This is a time for the ridiculous amount Sportsnet Oiler ensure we can watch the game. Good Flames fan. I do not have a whole one thing and one thing only. Rallying coverage as they flounder out of the play luck Iggy! bunch to talk about. The year of so behind Jarome Iginla and cheering our offs. It is such a conundrum, as I would
Dave Mathew Band tickets (May 24lh. Vancouver) that are cheap like your moth I am slowly going drunk. 6, 5. 4. 3. 2, Black Label is the worlds worst beer. Who out there remembers the story of er. Call Jay at 328-1995. 1... ASS WAX? Gather round my kiddies and It is totally cool when you ask a person to I'll shall tell you a tale. To the Drama kids that are always making Party like a boner: long and hard- watch something for you and they loose it. Thanx for loosing my camera! 29 more sleeps and 32 more ejaculations out on the couches on 5"1 . . . stop it you Last weekend was such a gong-show that till the Britney Calender changes! don't live with your parents, do it at home. we couldn't remember to wish you a Did anyone notice there is green slime happy 19th... have a good one Fal - K & C growing out of the taps in the women's I got laid under the big egg in Vegreville The Zoo is useless (that is, at least, when washroom in u-hall? We have mainte and still had enough energy to eat a plate the doors are closed). It's spankin' season, and I've got a han- nance fees Y? of sweet sweet perogies kerin' for some spankerin'! The Zootenders should learn to empty an If anyone has a lease running up or When you think about it, University ashtray. Cheers to all the aggies, as we rule and knows anyone renting a 4-5 bedroom Students are generally stupid, stupid peo continue to feed the world! house for next year.email wantyour- ple. Ifyou live in apartment S ) 1-590 Columbia [email protected] (Princton Place). We can hear you having Stop bossing everyone around Mick, your SEX...please keep it dowa! To the computer techs, get off your asses That Safeway Customer Service Girl can not the boss of me! and fix the damn computers in the cafete handle my bags anytime. Ed students are retards. ria! D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.F sure are good at shitting Those boys at Big Rock know how to pick the bed. Management is for meatheads. To the JD freak from agro, you float my the Athlete of the Week. Last weeks boat baby, do you want to ride the green female winner is hotter than suicide wings 1 If you think its time for a new DJ in the You were mopping the floor in the 8" machine sometime... at the Duke. Zoo. if you think so as well, write a TLF. level bathroom. I was the guy who made the smelly mess. What do ya say to us To skater boy in geog 2015 shut up! Hey Shitzilla, flush the toilet. Two Words. Seldin Rocks! getting together under more pleasant cir cumstances. Let me know Playing games on library computers is not The Lunch Club eats poo. Everyone is invited to the Rave April 8^ El23, where we plan to steal all your wal cool. Some people actually have work to Big Red Balls. New flavor from Juicy do, so eff off. Go play somewhere else. Hey Lunch Club, did you know breakfast lets. Pack extra cash and drugs. Fruit. is the most important meal of the day. Why is it gross people always seem to be To the girl who was instant-messaging on Fisher is fishy. Put him in the blender. the library computer for 45min: get a life. To the stats 1770 prof that has the wheely in the common room when I want to go in Use the damn email stations. and the cool hat and glasses. You should there? DFB Ruiz. Defective Farm Blenders. let me in on where I can buy that hat. I want to be a hoochie. To the girl in Mngt 2303 with the big hair, kaki kaki tekukur tekukur kakek kokiku quit rubbing your nipples in class. To the guy and the girl in Math 2000 that kaku. Indonesian tongue twister. always talk in class, ifyou guys don't shut I suppose if I lived under a bridge, I would If I had twins, I would use the ugly one for up, I'll shut it for you. be drunk all the time too. DFB Ruiz again. spare parts To the two guys licking each other and the Hoochie is synonymous with "walking Tookyoo tokkyo kyokakyoku. When I have a baby, I am going to write guy sucking the leg of a chair at "Name STD." Keep up the good work, hoochies. down all the sounds it makes so I can ask That Tune" last Wednesday at The Zoo. See you in Camrose. The tlfs are more interesting than the it what the hell it was trying to say - Gord Downie Drunk going slowly am i... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, whole paper. my girlfriend farts in bed 6... Michelle G. wins Ms. U of L Pageant. Not when you write them. J-Mac is back baby! Long live the I can't wait till the Olsen twins are doin' Jimmy! porn.
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Wanted: A set of big red balls to play maintain a narrow f-stop to maximize with depth of field when approaching wild goats My roommate is losing his hair and SELF STORAGE is clogging the shower drain. Please my girlfriend made me sleep on the floor cut that greasy mop. Z B Cooking pork-rib and lotus soup is good If you are lacking protein in your for building brownie points. diet... swallow * Special Student Rate UHAUL Jennifer loves Jamie. To the guy in the red shirt with the * Good Variety of Sizes Trucks & Trailers blue backpack, you stink and I want Tony wears a Full Metal Jacket. to meet with you * Paved, Fenced and Secure Boxes & Packing To the large guy in SOCI 1000. Wear a Supplies Donkey, HEE HAW shirt that fits and refrain from public nasal penetrations * Open 7 Days a Week The Roadhouse, more like shithouse, or LoadHouse, or Outhouse, or... Congratulations to the Soennichsen- www.tnfb@airport«selfstorage oom Chantamolee family for expecting a I Miss Ed Whalen, do you? 2000 StiJbb Ross Road S Letobndge 11K 7N3 September baby! (On Highway 5 by the Airport) Go and see Crystal Gunns at the Top Irma Udela Leong is fantastic. Hat, She has a boner rating of 7.5 sports The Meliorist. thursday april 04,2002- page 15
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