Issue 5 - Summer 5768/2008 Presented to you by Sister To Sister

1 Home Run You swing the bat and shoot the ball at me once again. Dearest Sisters, Summer brings to mind an image of hilly fields of verdant grass, and joyous children running, arms out- You keep them coming. stretched, to catch the exhilaration floating in the breeze. To me, summer means visualizing Olympic-sized pools, with clear refreshing water, children in colorful Each time tubes holding onto the edge and splashing to make “Niagara Falls” or playing “Marco Polo.” I try to rest, I think summer, and I envision the beach, with frothy white waves lathering against the seashore, washing up even just for a bit, the elaborate sand castles that children spent hours creating. Summer implies ices of every different hue and flavor, chocolate ice cream sundaes, and two-colored slushes You aim with straws. Summer means fun, freedom, change, happiness, and release. another one Summer is the dream of every child, and that includes you and me. Grown-up children need summer fun my way. too. We need the lightness, the excitement, the happiness, and the throwing all worries to the wind. We can decide that our day will be fun, and so it will be. No need to deny that there are worries and problems, but for just one day we can choose to ignore all that. Today we’re having fun. You keep them coming. Today we’re laughing. When we laugh we produce endorphins that make our whole body feel good. When we laugh, our oxygen level in our brain rises. And, most of all, when we have a really good laugh for one Hard balls. hour, we burn 500 calories. (You see, even the adult in you will benefit!) There are fascinating museums, fun-filled parks, and spectacular hikes for you to enjoy. Or, try taking a Difficult ones. drive to Nowhere. Turn on your favorite music, roll up the windows of your car, and sing your heart out. Cry with the sad songs, and bounce with the lively ones. Let the stunning scenery soothe your insides. Take But the stronger the ball, in the incredible view of the blue mountains in the distance, contrasting the green trees closer up. Summer vacation is here — for everyone. The sun is shining, calling you to have fun. Leave the laundry, the longer I have to run. the dishes, and the worries. Lie in the grass, tan in the sun, grab your daughter’s hand — and just run. I run further and further. Don’t stay in your house, forget what’s within. Go out now — let your summer fun begin!

Wishing you all the best — all the time!! I’m getting places, I’m not giving up. Sister to Sister 21 Shonny Court I catch each ball Lakewood, New Jersey 08701 You send my way. Email: [email protected]

I’m working towards my Home run.

22 33 Butterfly Magazine Interviews I Resign Yehudit Kotler, I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an Laughter eight-year-old again. I want to go to a pizza shop and think that it’s a four-star restaurant. Leader I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you Hello, Yehudit. Can you tell Butterfly readers about can eat them. yourself and what you do? I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand I am a laughter leader and I lead laughter sessions in all sorts of with my friends on a hot summer day. situations. I work with cancer patients, terror victims, in an old I want to return to a time when life was simple. age home, at bas mitzvah parties, and with regular mommies. I also lead a laughter session every month, lichvod Rosh Chodesh, When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and and in honor of women, in my home in Ramot, Yerushalayim, nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you free of charge. didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully un- What happens at a laughter session? Seven days without laughter I begin by explaining the value of laughter and why it’s important aware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. to laugh in our stress-filled life. I connect the benefits of laughter makes one weak. —Mort Walker to the theme of the yom tov or chodesh which we are beginning. I want to think the world is fair. We then warm up with some breathing and stretching. And then How do you bring this into your life? That everyone is honest and good. we proceed to laugh. We just start laughing and laughing, using Once, I was about to leave to a laughter session and opened the laughter exercises. Some are related to the yom tov coming up, fridge to take something to eat. In the fridge was a container with I want to believe that anything is possible. the season, the theme of the party, and some just for fun. We tomato paste, and I accidentally knocked it over and it spilled all I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly invite our inner child to join, giving it permission to enjoy, let go, over me. I was now a tomato-covered laughter leader, including excited about the little things again. and participate in the group activity. the special T-shirt that I wear when I lead a group. I couldn’t believe it! I was supposed to have been out of the house already, I want to live simple again. One particular exercise is done with something that is familiar and here I was, covered with tomato paste. Just then — as I was I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, moun- to us all. We begin by inhaling, and then exhaling a big Jewish about to get upset — I caught myself. “Oh, this is the Laugh of “krechtz” (oy). We inhale again, and then let it out as a graduated tains of paperwork, depressing news, the Tomato Paste. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!” “krechtz” (oy, oy, yoy…) . By the third time, you can turn the how to survive more days in the month than there is money in “krechtz” into laughter. It can be forced, but do it. Soon it will From upstairs, my daughter called out, “Oh, no, what happened the bank, doctor’s bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. be for real. It is amazing how simple a troubled krechtz can be now?” turned into a joyous laugh. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, “It’s the Laugh of the Tomato Paste! There’s tomato paste truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, How do you get ladies to just start laughing? everywhere!” mankind, and making angels in the snow. By doing exercises that induce laughter. Laughter is contagious. We make eye contact and connect with the other women. We “That doesn’t sound so funny.” But soon enough, she was So...here’s my checkbook and my car keys, my credit cards all fake the laughter at first, but very quickly, we find ourselves laughing, too. And together, amidst the laughter, the kitchen and all my responsibility. laughing for real. As Chazal teach us, “A person becomes what was cleaned. I am officially resigning from adulthood. is actions are.” And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch My reward followed. Several months later, my daughters were Our goal is to find a pure simchah, and we can use laughter me first, in the kitchen, cooking for Shabbos, and someone splashed as a tool to get there. We begin by simulating laughter. Then tomato paste all over herself and the kitchen. Hearing peals of ’cause, “Tag! You’re it.” we learn to laugh just for fun. And eventually, when something laughter from my kitchen, I went to check what was going on, B doesn’t go as planed, we will find ourselves laughing. As I am and was greeted with the Laugh of the Tomato Paste: ha, ha, fond of saying, “Kol mah de’avid rachmana, litzchok avid.” ha! I proudly joined their laughter.

4 5 Laughter is the shortest Laughter gives us distance. It Laughter and tears are both respons- distance between two people. allows us to step back from an es to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is -Victor Borge event, deal with it and then less cleaning up to do afterward. In Shamayim they react, “You think this is not good, We’ll move on. —Bob Newhart —Kurt Vonnegut show you what’s not good.” And he receives an even harder challenges. When children see that our reaction to a situation is with laughter, they take the cue and they will learn to do it to. Soon you’ll be He could have been asked the same question, and answered, having a happy, laughing family. The Physical Benefits of Laughter “Baruch Hashem, very good.” Research has shown that laughter has both preventive and therapeutic OK, Yehudit. You got us. Now we are ready to all start values. From Shamayim they’d reply, “You say this is good, we’ll show laughing. How in the world do we begin? you how good it can really be!” The first thing you do is say hello. Go over to your child or Laughter helps us keep healthy by enriching the blood with ample friend, shake her hand, and just start laughing. You might feel supplies of oxygen, the lifeline of our system. This helps to increase the silly at first. In fact, you probably will feel silly at first. But, no lung capacity, thus enhancing oxygen supply to the body. What soap is to the body, matter. You and your friend know that this is planned and soon you will both feel comfortable with what you are doing. Laughter helps to remove the negative effects of STRESS, which laughter is to the soul. is the number one killer today. More than 70% of illnesses like high blood You can follow that with any of the following exercises. pressure, heart disease, anxiety, depression, frequent coughs and colds, peptic ulcers, insomnia, allergies, asthma, menstrual difficulties, tension Even if there’s nothing to laugh Yes, there may be many challenges in your life, and laughing Car Engine Laugh. Imagine yourself turning on the engine of your headaches, stomach upsets, and even cancer have some connection to doesn’t always come automatically, but that is the challenge. car. Turn the imaginary key with a small laugh, then turn the key with stress. about — laugh on credit! When there is a choice to laugh, will you grab the opportunity? an even larger laugh. Finally, turn the key with a release of a real large And most of the time, we can choose between laughing and laugh. Laughter helps to boost the IMMUNE SYSTEM, which is the master key for maintaining good health. crying. Finger Laugh. Hold out your hand, closed in a fist. Open one finger, and begin with a small laugh. Open the next, and enlarge the laugh As I’m being interviewed, I’m sitting with my leg up in a cast. I Other benefits include: I can see much benefit in bringing laughter into our a bit. Gradually increase your laughter, until your hand is open wide, tripped over a rope in a parking lot, fell, and cracked a bone near homes, and to our children. How can we do that? and you throw the laughter out of you. my ankle. I heard and felt the pop, and immediately reacted, “A • Helps control high blood pressure and heart disease. While there are By being an example and by modeling for them, you are man thinks, and Hashem laughs.” I might as well laugh along Phone Laugh. Imagine yourself talking on a cell-phone. Hold your many factors for these such as heredity, obesity, smoking, and excessive teaching them how to laugh. That is the most effective way to with Him. And I’ve been doing that ever since. hand by your ear and just laugh. No matter what a person says to you, intake of saturated fats, stress is one of the major factors. Laughter demonstrate to your children that you and they can make your you can always choose to laugh. definitely helps to control blood pressure by reducing the release of home a happy one. What a positive way to live a life. But it sounds a bit Milk Shake Laugh. Hold out two fists, and imagine them as glasses stress-related hormones and bringing relaxation. unrealistic. I mean, not everything in life is a laughing of milk. Pour from one glass to the next and chant “Aeee,” and again, One mother told me that after a laughter class, she decided that matter!! Specifically us, single mothers, there is so “Aeee.” After the milk is really well shaken, you make as if your are • Increasing stamina through increased oxygen supply. during clean-up time, instead of screaming at the kids, she will much stress and difficulties that we encounter on a drinking it with a real large laugh. make a new habit. At the end of a long, hard day, as the kids • Alleviates pain and gives a sense of well being by releasing endorphins, daily basis. How can we muster the strength to laugh clean-up, they will all laugh together. Imagine the difference in Gibberish Laugh. Begin a conversation with your friend. You are the body’s painkiller hormones. when we don’t know what to laugh about? this home. A situation which was once filled with tension and each talking gibberish, but acting as if you are telling a joke to each You’re definitely right. Laughing is not always the correct screams now turned into one of laughter, happiness, and long- other. After you finish, you both end off with a hearty laugh. • Effective antidote for depression, anxiety, and psychosomatic disorders: reaction in every circumstance. People ask me, what do you do, lasting smiles. laughter boosts the production of serotonin, a natural antidepressant. you laugh at funerals? No, Shlomo Hamelech said that there’s a Ha, Ha, Ha. When sitting with a group of friends, begin to just say, “Ha, ha, ha.” Don’t stop. It is inevitable that within a few minutes, time to cry and a time to laugh. It’s great to laugh, but there are • Gives an excellent internal massage to the digestive tract and enhances A different lady bought a large amount of ice cream one time, you’ll all be laughing. definitely times to cry. But — when we increase the amount of and then headed home. On the way home, she made a wrong blood supply to important internal organs like the liver, spleen, pancreas, time we focus on laughing, we will end up with a much happier turn and found herself driving on the road to Tel Aviv. She was These are just a few examples of how you can try some exercises kidneys, and adrenal glands. life. And even more so, when we increase our laughter, Hashem so angry at herself for doing such a thing, and began feeding yourself. You can make up any ones you want. Try them with will give us more reason to laugh and less reason to cry. Try it, • Ensures good sleep and reduces snoring because laughter is very good herself all sorts of messages. Then she stopped and asked your friends, your children, or even your children’s friends. it works. for the muscles of the soft palate and throat. herself, “What would Yehudit Kotler do? She would make ‘the Slowly, you will see the laughter seep into your heart. It can Laughter of the Melted Ice Cream!’ Ha, ha!” So she began become a most beautiful tool to overcoming sadness and help Rabbi Nachman tells a beautiful story about this. In Shamayim, • Brings a happy glow to your face and makes your eyes shine with a laughing and laughing. She came home with the same melted turn your life into a most happy experience. they overhear two men talking to each other. One askes the other B thin film of tears which are squeezed from the lachrymal sacs during the ice cream as she would have, no matter what the experience how he is. Yehudit Kotler lives in Yerushalyaim. She is a certified reflexologist, lymph act of laughter. had been, but instead of a ruined day, she was uplifted and drainage massage therapist, laughter leader, and works in healing for mind, exhilarated with her choice. body, and soul. She has been practicing electrolysis for thirty years. She can be Source: www. Laughteryoga.org “Oy, not good at all,” he responds. contacted at 052-286-3317 02-586-1554 or [email protected] 6 7 Of Dreams Present & Future

Shiffy Mosesson

It was time to go to sleep; I could push it off no longer. The table, chairs, and a couch. But that’s not what pulls me. dishes were washed and drying, the laundry folded and It is the beauty of the scene — and the striking contrast to put away, the work completed, and the computer closed. that which I presently live with. I stand in front of the house Although it was late, I looked around the house, desperate and look in. I know I should really leave, it’s not nice to for something else to come up. Something, anything, to stare at another family, but something just compels me to prevent that arduous ordeal of going to sleep. Going to stay. I feel my eyes filling. sleep meant that the day was over. It meant that there was no longer a chance of things improving today. It meant Hashem, when? When will I merit to have my own complete waking up to a tomorrow that would be the same as today. home? This house is not like mine; this is a home with a A long day, a day full of more activities than most people mother and father. A home where there are siblings that play have. But yet, a day so very empty. nicely and calmly (and even quarrel the normal quarrels that kids have); a house that is a home. Hashem, how I long for But, there was nothing else to do, so I headed towards a home with a mother and father that love each other, that bed. I showered, prepared negel vasser for the kids and respect each other, and that provide stability for the kids. My family may not look like the ideal family that I have myself, said Shema, and then lay down. I didn’t even cry. I Will my children ever feel the security that these children do, always envisioned, but if I provide them with warmth, didn’t even feel the sadness I felt. I just felt the nothingness the calmness that permeates this house? Hashem, will I ever so strongly that I shut my eyes to block it out. Blessed be merit the peace I see in this situation, within my home, and stability and love, to the best of my abilities, they will be the great tiredness that allows the sleep to wave its blanket throughout my life? over my eyes, as I escape reality into a relieved slumber. All able to build the home that I dream of. struggling ceases. I remain beside the window, feeling some force restraining me there. I continue to watch. The father sits down on I dream of a small settlement. Lush grass yards surround the couch and invites one of the children to sit on his lap. Tzvi will look like twenty years down the line. A loving I stand beside the window, entranced. My efforts paid the small, almost-makeshift homes. Here and there young (Oh, why am I standing here? Just to torture myself? It’s father and a devoted husband. off. Tzvi married and managed to care for his wife, like children play the games that happy children play. There ripping me apart!) I stare at the father. There is something I always knew his good heart was capable. Tzvi, with his are swings and balls and sounds of joyful living within about him that I recognize — but I can’t place it. I watch the beauty of bountiful nature. I am walking down the as he jokes with his daughter. She is so comfortable on All my questions are answered at once. It may be hard fun-loving personality, was a father, and had a great time path, lost in my thoughts, when I notice a house. Nestled his lap. (Oh, Hashem, please! Don’t my children deserve for me now, I may long for my present to be different than with his kids. I watched and I cried. It was all worth it. within pine trees and fertile green grass is a medium-sized that too? Will they ever merit to know the ethereal beauty what it is. But I will not give up. Even if it isn’t my present stone house. Bushes of lavender frame the entrance, and of this scene?) He looked so familiar; where do I know destiny, I am building a future. My family may not look Tears dripped from my eyes, touched my cheeks, and a wooden bench waits outside the front door. The bright him from? The wife walks in. She looks so sweet. “Tzvi, like the ideal family that I have always envisioned, but if I woke me up. I was in my own quiet apartment. Tzvi and red shutters are open, and the scene within draws me to there’s someone on the phone for you.” provide them with warmth, stability, and love, to the best the younger ones still sound asleep. But I was very much observe. of my abilities, they will be able to build the home that I awake. I was filled with dreams of the future, and hope for Bombshell. Tzvi. So that’s who it is. That’s why he looks dream of. what it will bring. I went back to sleep, my heart no longer The dining room looks like a typical religious one, sefarim, so familiar. It is my son, Tzvi, as a father. That’s what my empty. I was ready to face the tomorrow. B 8 9 asking for my brachah. Or maybe, since I was not used to it, I just forgot to ask. After Havda- Happiness keeps A Father’s Blessings lah, my parents were in a rush to get the last of their things together for their flight home that you sweet, Rachel Salama evening. I wasn’t ready for them to go. They had really been there for me during this stay. Their visit had been all about me. I took my father’s siddur, and again turned to the page Trials keep you strong. with Birkas HaBanim. I stood there and re- ceived another brachah from my father. Now I The candles are lit. The mirror on One Friday night, when I went to could take my parents to the airport. Sorrow keeps you the wall behind them magnifies their give my oldest daughter a brachah, glow. The table is set with real silver, she told me that she did not need My daughter’s finding a new way to connect human. china, and crystal. At the head of one. She said that her father had al- to her father had inspired me to find a new the table, there is a challah board. ready given her one by phone. She way to connect to mine. The first week that my Two homemade challos bulge under went on to inform me that he did parents were back home they called to hear my Failures keep you humble. the blue velvet cover, filling the room this every week. There was that mo- news and to wish me a good Shabbos. After with a magnificent aroma. There mentary sting. Then I was happy for I finished catching up with my Mom, I asked is a silver becher and a decanter of her that she had that kesher with her to speak to my Dad. Many fathers hear the Success keeps you glowing. deep red grape juice. I smile. This is father. news of what is going on with their children a moment of peace and beauty. through their wives. “Hi, hold on, let me get This year, my parents came for a visit your mother” is the standard line if they should Over the past two years, my children around Pesach time. They spent six be the ones to pick up the phone. But only Hashem keeps and I have been working on building Shabbosos with us. My father sat at a new kind of Shabbos. One that the head of the table, with my moth- That first week, I asked my Dad on the phone, you going... would be enjoyable for all of us. Re- er by his side, and me next to her. “I would like you to give me a brachah, please.” ally, since my divorce, we have been My children took the various other He said he would call me back, he had to get doing that every other Shabbos. We positions at the table. My Dad got his siddur and his glasses. When he called are still working on the right com- the honors of making kiddush and back, he asked me if I was ready, and gave me bination of family time and inviting Hamotzi. I gave brachos to each of my my brachah, and a hearty “Shabbat shalom.” guests to keep Shabbos interesting. children. I never said anything to my “Amen v’Amen,” I answered. Each week I look forward father about my receiving a brachah Kiddush and HaMotzi are made by for myself, though inside I pined for Now, my father dials my number on Fridays. my married son, his brother, or by me, to our new family tradition. one. Tradition is very strong. That He wants to hear what is new. Then he passes depending upon who is home. That My Dad gives me a bracha was just not our tradition. the phone to my mother who also wants to hear and to share their news. Then, my Dad takes part is OK. It gives me pleasure to and wishes me a Shabbat give the honor to my sons when they That is, of course, until the next to the phone back and asks me if I am ready. are home. It also gives me pleasure Shalom! last week of my parent’s visit. My Each week I look forward to our new family to take the honor for myself if they children had gone to wash and some- tradition. My Dad gives me a brachah and are not. how I got the courage to break with wishes me a “Shabbat shalom.” tradition. I turned my father’s siddur to the page with Bir- There is one honor, though, that is always mine. That is cas HaBanim and I just stood there wordlessly waiting with Each week my neshamah answers Amen the honor of giving brachos to the children. When seminary my head bent. My father picked up his siddur and gave me v’Amen and wishes my parents a long life in students come for Shabbos, they often take the brachah that my first brachah. I returned to my seat glowing. I know that good health with shalom and nachas from all of is offered them. Though I was raised in a traditional home, my parents have always davened for me. I know that their their children and grandchildren and, b’ezras somehow this tradition was overlooked. The brachos that I tefillos have only intensified over the past two years. Though Hashem, great-grandchildren in the right time. have received in my life have come from the kohanim who I can’t explain it, that brachah meant the world to me. Then, after he hangs up, I whisper, “Thank duchen in shul. Still, I always felt that I wanted my father’s you, Daddy.” B blessing. The next Shabbos my parents and I went out for all the Rachel Salama is a freelance writer living with her children meals. In someone else’s house I did not feel comfortable in Yerushalayim. 10 11 Creating a Whole Adulthood from a Broken Childhood would judge you on the basis of how well-adjusted you seemed When your parents get divorced you to be to your new situation, to the new life you found yourself in. There was a right answer and a wrong answer. There was learn things. I learned that I was the answer you gave when you wanted people to feel sorry for fine. I was fine with it. That’s what I you, and the answer you gave when you wanted people to just leave you alone. told my mother when she asked me how I was feeling. I also learned that people say stupid things to the children of divorced parents. People asked if it was hard. And there was in life. As my mother says, “It gives us character.” I would say no real response to give. If you said yes, you received pity you it gives us strength. weren’t looking for. If you said no, they thought you were in de- nial, or hadn’t come to terms yet with the situation. So I learned There is a potential for great strength in growing up in a di- to give an answer that pacified both those who cared and those vorced family. There is a potential to have to dig deep to rec- who pretended to care. ognize your feelings, to allow yourself to feel them, to release the experience with the knowledge that Hashem runs the world “I’m doing fine. I understand that this isn’t about me, and that if and that this is the exact moment you are meant to be in. It also my mom and dad don’t love each other anymore, it’s best if they takes strength to allow yourself to feel your feelings, explore your don’t live together. It’s better for them to be happy apart, than emotions, and realize how they manifest themselves in your life. miserable together. This is the best thing for all of us.” It takes strength to learn to speak to your parents gently and not hold everything in, or everything back, and yet express your feel- At five and a half, after a year of learning my lines, I was deemed ings in a kind, loving way. And most of all, it takes strength to by those who asked me about the divorce to be both “very ma- detach from your parents’ experience. To realize that what they ture” and “very well-adjusted.” At times, the nods of approval have lived was their lives, and now it is time for you to live yours. of those listening made me happy, as if I were doing something That, what my mother said to me all those years ago, is still as We are pleased to present you with a series of articles written by happy and functioning adults who right. On other occasions, after repeating the same line so many true as it ever was: that this has never been about me. have grown up in a divorced home. As mothers, we long to properly understand our children, and care times that I had it memorized word for word, I felt sad. It wasn’t for them in a way that will ensure that they grow up happy and healthy, both physically and emotion- enough to deal with my own feelings, I felt as though I had to What is about me -- what I discovered on my own and no one pacify those around me so they wouldn’t cry when they asked ally. When we hear from adults who have gone through experiences somewhat similar to that of our ever knew to tell me -- is that how I take this experience, how I their stupid questions. children, perhaps it can be a window to help us understand what is going on within the hearts of our interact with it, respond to it, and come through it, all of that is dear children. very much about me. How I choose to grow from it, or hide from It took me a long time to say that it was hard. I was probably in it -- that is all about me. G-d gives us choices and we choose. my early twenties, by the time I could admit to myself-- let alone to anyone else who asked -- that the whole thing was just sad. We choose what to take from our experiences. We choose how to Not that my parents got divorced, but that they weren’t better react to the situations we find ourselves in. And we choose who suited to begin with. It was sad that neither of them knew how said to me, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. we want to be. A child doesn’t choose to grow up in a single- to bend to become what the other needed. Most of all, it was Reflections on My Mommy and Daddy are going to be living in separate houses for parent home, but as a mother you have a choice what kind of sad dividing my life between phone calls and plane trips to visit a while.” Soon after that, my father moved out. And I started home you give your child. You can choose to teach your child my father, and realizations and reconciliations that when I won Parents’ Divorce going to sleep hugging a teddy bear that I named Papa. “A that life is hard and things don’t work out the way you think they my first writing award, my dad wasn’t able to be there to watch while” turned into the rest of my life. will. Or you can choose to educate your child that life doesn’t me receive it because it was too far to travel. And that my father Shifrah Devorah Witt, MA, MFA happen to you, that life is what you make of it, and it can be would miss so many moments that were precious and fleeting, When your parents get divorced, you learn things. I learned beautiful even though it may have challenges. like the day I got my first acceptance letter, or the day I got into that I was fine. I was fine with it. That’s what I told my mother graduate school. Or the day I realized I was going to marry my when she asked me how I was feeling. I was four-and-a-half, and When I think back on my childhood, I remember the times I remember the restaurant they took me to. It was dark, and husband. not just from low lighting. There were dark wooden tables, and when asked how I was doing, my response was that I was fine. my parents spent with me, the trips to the bookstore where my When she pressed the issue a year later, I looked at her and said, mother bought me books with the most beautiful color illustra- dark leather covering the booth we sat in; the darkness must When asked, I don’t say anymore that I’m fine. Now, as an “Mom, I’m not like you, I don’t want to talk about my feelings.” tions I could imagine. I remember getting dressed up and going have been an attempt at atmosphere. I remember my mother adult, I have learned better words, words that are more accurate, So she took a break from asking. out to dinner with my dad on our weekends together. And my brought me a toy as a gift, not uncommon of her, to distract me and more meaningful. I have learned not to be fine, or sad, or dad teaching me to ride a bike. And I remember both of my par- as we waited for our table. I don’t remember what my father angry at the fact that I was raised in a single-parent home. I have I learned at a young age, that being the child of a divorced ents reminding me, “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything looked like back then, but I remember his voice, and that he was learned to feel what I feel. I have learned that divorce is not ide- family, meant people expected you to talk about your feelings, wrong.” And I choose every day of my life: what to do with the exhausted. al, but often the reality or necessity of a situation. I have learned “what you were going through”, as they looked at you sympa- that it is hard to have a simchah with only one parent present, experience and the opportunity I was given. B thetically with a tilted head, and eyes that almost cried for you. I remember the all-you-could-eat salad bar, the fresh bread, and because you feel that a part of you is missing, and it hurts. And Soon I caught on, that after they’d ask, “How are you doing? the adult-size portion steak my parents allowed me to order, I have learned it is okay to have painful and hard things happen knowing I could eat it all by myself. And I remember what they Has it been hard? You know this isn’t your fault?” then they 12 13 No-Nonsense Guide Health C o r n e Don’t Judge to Women’s Nutrition a Tree Shani Goldner, MS RD CDN CFI We all have certain expectations of what we would like out of our bodies. But first we need to take a step back and see what we are putting into it. Regardless of whether you would like to By a Season lose a few pounds, increase your energy level, or stay healthy and reduce your risk for disease, you need to look into your body’s fuel.

It’s not as simple as it sounds. Nutritional needs vary signifi- There was once a man who had four sons. He wanted cantly between men and women. Even among women, a vari- his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he ety of factors influence the different nutritional needs of each sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a individual. There is no “one-size-fits-all” nutritional formula. There are, however, four key nutrients, calcium, protein, iron, pear tree that was a great distance away. The first son and folic acid, that are very important to women of all ages and went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third activity levels. Regardless of where they are in their life cycle, in the summer, and the youngest son in the fall. many women do not have an inadequate intake of these four nutrients. When they had all gone and come back, he called them Calcium together, to describe what they had seen. The first son You want to make sure that you drink your milk every day. The said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The calcium in dairy products helps prevent osteoporosis, which af- second son disagreed. He saw it covered with green fects an estimated 44 million Americans, according to the Na- buds and full of promise. The third son differed; he tional Osteoporosis Foundation. Folic Acid and B Vitamins said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet Folic acid is one of the B vitamins, and reduces the risk of seri- Nondairy sources include beans, almonds, green leafy veg- ous birth defects to the spine and brain, but only in the earliest and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing etables, and salmon with bone. Low-fat alternatives include stages of pregnancy. In addition to folic acid, other B vitamins he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of calcium-fortified orange juice and chewy, chocolate-flavored such as niacin, riboflavin, B6, and B12 are of concern to wom- them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full supplements. en. Studies have shown that vitamin B6 and B12 can help pre- of life and fulfillment. vent heart attacks and strokes. Good sources of the B vitamins Protein include: beef, fortified grain products, fruits, and vegetables. Given the typical American diet, insufficient protein is rarely a The man then explained to his sons that they were all problem. For certain people who do not like to eat meat, fish, or If you are concerned about your intake of iron or other nutrients, right, because they had seen but only one season in eggs, or for people who mistakenly believe that protein equals make an appointment with your doctor and have some blood the tree’s life. high-fat food, it can be a problem. There are alternate sources work done. Many people overestimate their healthy foods and to animal protein that include legumes, nuts, and soy products. underestimate the amount of junk food they consume. It may Protein is one group that cannot be eliminated from the diet if help if you keep a food log for a week to have an idea of exactly He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a per- you would like your body to function properly. what you eat. Most people think that they eat salad, fruits, and son, by one season. The essence of who they are, and vegetables every day, and that they drink enough milk...but hav- the pleasure, joy, and love that come from life can only Iron ing a healthy refrigerator does not mean that you are actually be measured at the end, when all the seasons have Twenty percent of women are iron deficient. This is especially eating all those healthy foods. passed. true for women with a low-protein intake. Iron deficiency anemia can lead to fatigue, dizziness, rapid heartbeat, and shortness of If you stock your body with high-quality food, you will have breath, even with mild exertion. Only if a blood test shows that more energy, and feel and look better too! If you give up when it’s winter, you will miss the prom- you are anemic you should take an iron supplement. If iron is ise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, the ful- taken in high amounts, it can be toxic. So take what you need, Shani Goldner is a registered dietician with a Masters of Science and a certified Dietitian/ Nutritionist. She is an Oxford Provider. In her private nutrition prac- fillment of your fall. Don’t judge life by one difficult but not too much since it can be harmful. Good sources include red meat, egg yolks, beans, and fortified bread and cereal. With tice, she counsels adolescents and adults in weight loss, diabetes, hypertension, season. Don’t let the pain of one season destroy the and cardiovascular health. She can be reached at (718) 854-5784. Please foods that contain iron but are not from animal sources, take send questions or comments to [email protected] joy of all the rest. some vitamin C at the same time to increase your iron absorption. 14 15 Ask The Ask The Therapist My Therapy Sessions Anonymous Therapist

Dear Toby, I am in need of a therapist appropriate to my situation, but every person I speak to recommends a different therapist, or a different type of therapy. How do I sort through all the names and choose which one is appropriate for me?

It takes quite a search to find the right who are in the mental health field, or a about your personality type and what person to talk to. Finding a therapist is rebbetzin. Verbalizing and struggling to types of people you are generally comfort- not about flipping through a phone book. explain what the concern, priority, or able with. Choose someone within that It is about finding the right help to get you situation is facilitates self-awareness and range. unstuck. Forming a close bond with some- helps identify what the issues are. Try to one who is going to be there throughout take advice, referrals, and recommenda- Are you funny, intellectual, or easygoing? Day One Day Five the journey inside the darkest recesses of tions with a grain of salt. You know your- A very emotional person would probably “You have to lean to trust. I know you have a hard time, “But I don’t understand what you’re saying!? Why did the soul and through tunnels filled with self best and talking to others is only part not click very well with a super intellectual but we’ll work on it, and slowly you’ll learn to regain your they support him if they heard what you said?” fears and tears is imperative. of the process in crystallizing what exactly who is well versed in every theory and the trust in people, so that you can get married again.” Seeing she didn’t understand (smile again), I began to you are seeking therapy for. Remember latest research. She might just want some- explain it to her. Just a drop. Just a teeny-tiny bit of what Every situation is different and so is ev- that no one can hand out prescriptions one to talk things through with. Someone ery person. Therefore, this is not a 1-2-3 that fix or heal profound wounds, aches, who is very warm but also competent may I smile. What does she know? I went through trying to get the divorce. After about ten Guide for Dummies: How to Choose a and personal pain. be a better idea. minutes I gave her enough of a picture. She was silent. Therapist. Yet, there are guidelines that Day Three apply in all cases. Click It Alternatively, if a situation is complex or “So how are you ever going to be able to trust people “You have to learn to trust.” She reminded me. A good fit between therapist and client the type of issue is specific, it may be a Yes, I know that already, I’ve heard it before. again?!?” Know Thyself and Know has shown to be a major factor that im- good idea to find someone who special- Thy Problems pacts the success of therapy. This means izes in that area and has all the necessary My smile grew wider. Now we’re talking, now you’re be- credentials and information. Good com- “But I had such a difficult time getting the divorce! The The single most important ingredient in that if the therapist and client connect munication and a dynamic connection way the world treated me hurt me more than anything ginning to understand. therapy is a strong base of self-knowledge. well there is a greater chance for a more would still be necessary because therapy else” Not always is it possible to start off with a productive and fulfilling working relation- is a human process and not about fixing a As I left, she remembered her place. She has to teach me clear picture of oneself and the troubling ship. car. So choose according to your person- to trust! issues. Therefore, some false starts should “Why? Do you know that you did what’s right? If you ality and the type of issue. know that you are standing for the emes, you don’t have to “Don’t worry, Chaya, we’re getting there. Slowly you’ll be expected. These should be integrated That person you are looking for has to towards identifying the difficulty and the be someone whom you like being with on worry about what the world thinks. They don’t matter; it’s learn to trust, and you’ll be able to get married,” She said. Another factor that can be considered is Her tone was so unconvincing, she couldn’t even fool her- type of person you are. the basic superficial level of “Hi, how are just you and Hashem.” you.” It also has to be someone whom you an individual’s own perspective on spiri- self. “If you want to, that is. It’s all up to you” tuality, personal growth, and the goal of Self-awareness is usually refined through trust on a much deeper level of being safe And once again I smiled. That’s easy for her to say. being closer to Hashem. the process of talking to appropriate par- enough to be vulnerable, let your guard And this time I laughed. B ties like referral agencies, acquaintances down, and share your feelings. Think 16 17 Therapists are often wary of There are many other types It is estimated that there are over five hundred differ- Ask The Therapist including spirituality in therapy of practitioners that have a ent types of therapies. Which one would you choose? and that is okay. Yet a person master’s level degree. They Title Training who is very into going to lec- can be accredited by organi- That is a tough question to ask yourself even if it would Treatment tures, listening to shiurim, and zations such as the Ameri- only be about choosing an ice cream flavor from such reaching out to Hashem may can Association for Mar- a broad selection. Psychiatrist, MD find it dull at best — or out riage and Family Therapy, Medical school plus four years of of sync at worst — to talk to the Association for Play residency in mental health. May someone who hasn’t gone to a Therapy, or the National that you can be equipped to judge on ferent thought pattern and a new path. have additional training in spe- class since graduation. Board for Certified Coun- your own which type of therapy is in sync Many forms of CBT are considered to be cialized field such as children, el- selors. If a therapist is a with you or appropriate for a specific evidence based and effective for various derly or addictions. Is authorized To see if a person that you member and licensed by a problem. mental health issues such as depression, to diagnose and write prescrip- heard of may be right for you, reputable organization, it panic and anxiety, and relationships. tions. Often treats more serious it is best to schedule an initial can be a positive sign that • Psychoanalytic therapy is best known problems that involve psychotro- appointment and tell the thera- he/she is continuously in- as the Freudian approach, but it is usually • Gestalt, humanistic, and existentialist pic drugs. pist that it is only a consultation volved in training and keep much more modernized and therefore psy- schools of therapy are usually integrated because you are still deciding up-to-date on the develop- chodynamic in nature. A psychodynamic to form a gentle, creative, and client- Psychologist, PsyD or PHD what to do. This is the time ments in their field. therapist will seek to help the client bring centered approach. A holistic style looks Graduate in Psychology and that you can prepare yourself to to the surface suppressed feelings and fo- at the unity of mind-body-emotions and Doctorate training and intern- interview the potential therapist cus on defense mechanisms that one em- spirit. It also focuses on the present mo- ship in specific specialized field and use the information below What Type of ploys when it is too painful to face deeper ment, using Eastern techniques. Gestalt of psychology. Is often trained to make an informed decision. Therapy? stuff. Therapy often includes interpreta- is best known for creative experiential to do intellectual, emotional and tions of what the therapist thinks is go- techniques such as empty-chair exercises, So now that you know your- behavioral evaluations. They do ing on, and is aimed to help you become which help one look at oneself from a new Professional Educa- popular ones are clinical, counseling, and self and getting a handle on testing and assessment, and pro- more aware of unconscious feelings. perspective to unlock dysfunctional pat- tion and Training school psychologists. Clinical and coun- what the issues are, who do you call? Al- vide treatment according to their terns. Humanistic or Rogerian theorists If you open a local directory to the medical seling psychologists provide complete though knowing how a therapist trained is specialty framework. • The behavioral approach looks only believe that with unconditional positive information guide section, you may find a psychological assessments using a wide important, it is even more crucial to know at the symptoms or actions. It tries to regard and acceptance, the impediments list of therapists with indecipherable ini- range of instruments. They also provide what his/her beliefs and ideas are. Their Social Worker, MSW, CSW motivate people to change using charts to growth can be removed and a person tials. What is the difference between MD, psychotherapy as needed. Someone with orientation or how they view problems or DSW and tools designed to break the stimulus- will naturally flower and blossom in the CSW, and PsyD? What type of specialist a PhD in psychology can use the title and what type of treatment they offer can Is usually broadly trained in So- response chain. A therapist helps identify right environment. Existentialists concern do you need? The mental health field is “doctor,” yet they may not be a licensed make all the difference. Waking up after cial Sciences and therapy is one specific target behaviors and continuously themselves with the search for meaning in composed of a wide range of profession- psychologist. Usually a PhD is involved ten years of therapy to find out that there of the tasks or roles they can drills the client to practice until habitual life, asking deep questions to encourage als, each trained in a different manner in academia and research within the field is another way to heal other than talking assume. Treatment will largely patterns are broken and new behaviors personal responsibility. Through thera- and specializing in a specific area. of psychology but may have special train- about your childhood past and your par- depend on their personal orien- are learned. Rewards are given at clear peutic work, existential therapists help ing in counseling. ents is sad. Think about how you would tation, supplemental training, or points when specific goals are achieved. people face the fear of dying, create an Psychiatrists are medical doctors who like someone to help you out of your cur- specific accreditation. This process is called behavior modifica- identity, and accept low-level anxiety as a complete medical school and a psychiatric Social workers are usually trained to help rent difficult situation. This gives you tion and has shown to be effective with condition for living. residency program. They may then go on people solve the problems of daily living. an idea as to which type of therapy you MHC, MFT, and other ini- autistic children, ADHD, and other be- to train in a specific field such as pediatric They are trained to work with disadvan- would prefer. tials beginning with an M havioral problems through a precise pro- • Family therapy includes a diverse col- population, addictions, or personality dis- taged populations and to be a source of in- Education is on the master’s cess of applied behavioral analysis. Some lection of many different types of theorists. orders. In most states psychiatrists are the formation, resources, and advocacy. They It is estimated that there are over five hun- level and specific to the type of think that it can also be a contributing fac- All theorists essentially look at the pro- only professionals authorized to prescribe also provide counseling in the process to dred different types of therapies. Which degree. They may or may not be tor to effective addiction rehab programs. cess and patterns in families and how it psychotropic drugs for serious mental help people deal with all types of issues. one would you choose? That is a tough licensed depending on the type relates to personal or family dysfunction. illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar There are master’s level social workers question to ask yourself even if it would of degree and accrediting insti- • Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) Family therapists can work with families disorder, and major depression. They are (MSW) and an L before their initials only be about choosing an ice cream tution. The counseling is often works with the thoughts that influence or individuals but view all issues within well versed in the DSM IV-TR, which would signify that they are licensed. A flavor from such a broad selection. It is more specialized because their our moods and thus our behaviors. It fo- the context of the larger family picture. is the latest version of the bible of men- Clinical Social Worker (CSW) has addi- even harder to decide which road to take training is focused on one specific cuses on personal beliefs, inner self-talk, tal disorders published by the American tional supervised training to provide a va- because most therapists combine a num- area. Therefore, a counselor has and distorted thinking patterns such as • There is also a diverse collection of Psychiatric Association. riety of mental health services with an em- ber of different theories to form their own a broader background in prac- black- and-white thinking. By evaluat- other therapies that are often integrated phasis on clinical practice. A DSW has approach, resulting in myriad mutations tical and clinical cases, and a ing long-held ideas and seeing if there with other approaches and may be used A psychologist also has the highest level a doctorate in social work which includes to choose from. Theories shape the ap- marital therapist a stronger base is actually evidence to support them, if to overcome post-traumatic stress disor- of education and must be licensed in the more advance studies, research projects, proach and style of a therapist and slant of knowledge and experience in they are balanced, or if they are helpful, der (PTSD), depression, and anxiety. state he/she practices in. There are differ- and training in policy analysis. how they consider various issues. There- marriage and family therapy. one can be empowered to choose a dif- These teach or use relaxation techniques, ent types of psychologists, but the most fore, it is worthwhile to be informed so 18 19 various forms of therapeutic meditation, based upon personal considerations. Halacha Help guided imagery, self-hypnosis, energy healing, and more. Think about the following: Would you prefer to go to a clinic, an agency, or a The most popular trauma therapy is eye- private practice? Is it okay with you if the movement desensitization and reprocess- office is located in the therapist’s home? ing (EMDR). It is often a treatment of How much can you afford to pay? Clin- choice for symptoms stemming from dis- ics and agencies sometimes offer lower- Dance tressing life experiences and has gained priced services, and some private practi- wide support through effectiveness re- tioners accept insurance and can arrange As though no one search. Other lesser known therapies for a supplemental sliding-scale fee. These is watching you. traumas are semantic experiencing (SE), issues have to be discussed at the initial created by Peter A. Levine, the Pesso interview or on the phone and will help Boyden System Psychomotortherapy you sort out which therapist is practical (PBSP), and homeopathy. for you. Scheduling can also be a major issue. If your time is tight and your avail- Different approaches work for different ability is limited then you may find it hard people. There isn’t a single treatment to get an appointment with a seasoned or theory that fits every person or situa- professional and may have to settle for Love tion. It is therefore your responsibility to someone else or rearrange your obliga- actively research and find out what works tions. as though you for you. have never been You may have come to realize that “love Many therapists choose a specific ap- at first sight” is a myth and becoming hurt before. proach according to the type of client someone’s close friend overnight is not Tisha B’Av and issue being addressed, while other possible. Finding a therapist and instant- therapists adhere to one school of therapy ly forming a good working relationship is and view everything according to specific not a game of bingo. Do Women Need to Hear Eicha? This can be explained with the Midrash Yalkut Shimoni that says principles of the theory. It is wise to ask Rav Moshe Shternbuch: Reading Eicha is a major part of the that when Hashem wanted to destroy the Beis HaMikdash He potential therapists what their orientation Combining factual research, information, aveilus of Tisha B’Av. Since women are chayav in all the hala- needed to remove His Shechinah from the site. If the Shechinah or approach is. This will give you an idea and your gut feeling about the person’s chos of aveilus of Tisha B’Av, they are also required to hear was present in the Beis HaMikdash no human would be able of what type of therapy is in store for you, voice on the phone, their demeanor, and Eicha. If they cannot go to shul they can say it sitting on the floor to destroy it. if you would choose this practitioner. their personality can lead you towards the Sing in the privacy of their own home. right choice. Remember to trust yourself The significance of the Beis HaMikdash to us is not the unique Sometimes there is a specific mental most and to follow that small voice in- as though no one Since reading Eicha is part of the mitzvah of mourning the Beis architecture, the stones, or the utensils. The Beis HaMikdash is health issue that one needs help with. side. can hear you. HaMikdash, it is important for both men and women to un- a place where we connect with Hashem. It is the single place on In this case it is best to find a therapist derstand the general meaning of Eicha. If you just read it with- earth where the Divine and the mundane meet in the physical that is well-versed in the evidence-based May you be blessed to journey on the out any understanding you haven’t accomplished the goal. Rav world. The whole tragedy of the Churban is that that place no treatments for that specific field, making it road of therapy, through the dark tunnels Shternbuch recommends to use a readily available translation. longer exists and that Hashem has gone away from us. more likely that the therapy will be effec- and rising bumps, while picking flowers A woman who doesn’t understand anything at all and does not tive. In addition, his/her vast experience from the side of the road and watching have access to a translation need not go through the motions of Hashem removed His presence from the Beis HaMikdash be- about a particular issue can help discern the sunrise reveal a new glorious future: reading Eicha. fore it was destroyed and only after that was the enemy able to what is normal and what is part of the yours. B ignite it. This is precisely the reason we fast on the ninth and pathology or the disorder. This can be Just like the halacha of davening, if a woman is so busy with her not the tenth — the fast is for the loss of the Shechinah which very empowering and balances out one’s Toby Vogel, MHC, is a therapist and writer residing in Yerushalayim with her family. She leads parent- Live family that she cannot find the time for Eicha, she is exempt. happened on the ninth. The tenth was anticlimactic with the life situation by seeing the problem in the ing workshops and does play therapy with children. burning of an empty shell that was no longer Hashem’s home. right proportions and place. In her spare time she enjoys reading, cooking gour- as though heaven met, and exercising. is here on earth. Why Do We Fast on Tisha B’Av If the Beis HaMik- Moreover, the burning of the Beis HaMikdash was the first step What Now? dash Burned Mostly on the Tenth of Av? towards the Geulah. It was “Soser Al Minas Livnos,” just like Being armed with information and de- On the afternoon of the Tisha B’Av, the Romans lit the Beis when you purchase an old, dilapidated house the first step to re- tails regarding professionals and theories HaMikdash on fire. It burned that afternoon, and the next day, building it is to tear down the old structure. On the tenth of Av, in the mental health field is a start. There the tenth of Av. After the Churban there was a debate if the although excruciatingly painful to see our memories go down in are many other practical considerations fast day should be held on the ninth or the tenth of Av. It was flames, it was a first step towards the rebuilding of the Third that need to be considered and decided, decided that the ninth would be the day of mourning. Beis HaMikdash, bimheirah biyameinu, Amen. 20 21 Until Which Date in Av Are We “MiMa’atim Yirmiyahu told Plato, the wisest man among the nations, to ask Kitchen Kreations B’Simchah”? him any questions he had in philosophy that he did not have The Mishnah Brurah (551:2) says we should limit our simchah any answer to. Plato asked many hard questions and Yirmiyahu in the entire month of Av until Rosh Chodesh Elul or at the answered all of them, to Plato’s great satisfaction. The Rema very least until after Tishah B’Av. This includes the tenth of Av, writes that at this point Plato did not know if he speaking with according to the Kaf HaChaim. Others say that l’chatchilah this a human being or an angel. Yirmiyahu then explained to Plato halachah applies only until after the tenth of Av. The Minchas that all his wisdom came from the “bricks and stones” called the Elazar says that the minhag of the gedolim was to wait to make Beis HaMikdash, and that was why he cried. Regarding his sec- weddings until after Shabbos Nachamu. Others say to wait un- ond question of why he was crying over something that already til after fifteenth of Av, because at that point the Middas HaDin happened, Yirmiyahu said that that question he would not an- that has ruled since the beginning of Tammuz turns to Middas swer, because even if he did, Plato would not understand. HaRachamim (Bnei Yissaschar, Piskei Teshuvah). That the Divine Creator of the universe can have a meaningful What Holy Tears Are Made Of and intimate relationship with a mere mortal is not something The Midrash says that when the B’nei Yisrael, who were taken that even Plato can understand. That He yearns for our tears is captive by Nevuchadnetzar, were sitting on the shores of the riv- something that is not even worthwhile to try and explain. ers of Bavel, and Yirmiyahu was about to part from them, they started crying. Yirmiyahu turned to them and said, “Heaven Napoleon Bonaparte’s Tisha B’Av Lesson and earth are my witnesses that if you would have cried even One Tisha B’Av, as Napoleon was walking through the streets once when you were still in Eretz Yisrael you would not have of Paris, he heard bitter wailing coming from inside a build- been exiled.” ing. When he walked in, he saw a group of Jews sitting on the floor reciting kinnos and crying. He asked them, “Why are you If we read the story of the Churban, it is impossible to believe crying?” They answered, “Jerusalem has been overrun and the that B’nei Yisrael didn’t cry in Eretz Yisroel. There was hunger, Temple has been destroyed.” Napoleon thought for a minute murder, mothers eating children, rivers of blood, death, and de- and then told the Jews, “Do not worry; it is just an untrue ru- struction — all that and they didn’t shed a tear? mor. I know for a fact that all is quiet in the Middle East.”

Rav Shimshon Pincus explains that they cried oceans of tears The group then explained to him that they are mourning an while they were in Eretz Yisroel. But their tears were for them- event that took place 1,600 years earlier. An astounded Na- selves. Tears of pain, tears of anguish for their tzaros. Anyone polean replied, “If you are still crying sixteen centuries later, I can cry those tears. Those are not the tears that Hashem wants. have no doubt that one day your Temple will be rebuilt.” When they sat on the rivers of Bavel, all alone in a foreign land among foreign people, far from the closeness of Hashem, they Napoleon’s comments give a logical spin to the Gemara’s Super Summer Recipes milchig toaster oven – it’s small and doesn’t heat the house nearly as cried tears of separation, tears of longing for the Shechinah. statement, “Kol hamisabel al Yerushalayim zocheh v’roeh much as the regular oven does), either covered or uncovered, for 15- “Gam bachinu bizachreinu es Tziyon”; tears for Tziyon. If they b’nechamasah — He who mourns for Yerushalayim will merit From an overworked single mother who loves to cook. 20 minutes. (Fish will stay moist even if cooked uncovered, but the sauce may start browning.) Serves 3-4. would have cared about being close to Hashem when the Beis to see it rebuilt. If the determination and connection are still Here are few great recipes for those sweltering summer days when you HaMikdash still stood, Hashem would have never sent them to there after the long and bitter galus, we will certainly merit the can’t bring yourself to turn on the oven — enjoyed by kids and adults galus. But now it was too late. rebuilding of the Beis HaMikdash once again. However, warns alike! They are also super-easy; no fussing necessary! Tofu Tacos the Gemara, if the two-thousand-year-long river of tears runs Plato Meets a Crying Yirmiyahu dry, we will be cut off and never be able to navigate our way Yummy Fish Fillets I found this recipe a long time ago on Allrecipes.com. My kids love it, In the sefer Galus V’Nechamah, Rav Shimshon Pincus quotes back home. I make these fillets on nights when I’m in the mood of adult food and and clean up is super easy — only one frying pan to wash afterwards! the Rema in the Sefer Toras HaOlah, who says that after the I don’t have time to patchka. My kids are happy with fish sticks, and It’s also virtually fat-free, so it’s great for those of us trying to watch our weight. Churban, Plato, the Greek philosopher, met Yirmiyahu and Collected and reprinted from www.revach.net these just make me feel more like a mensch! I usually make only two Yirmiyahu was crying. Plato asked Yirmiyahu two questions. fillets at a time, and leave the rest in the freezer for a different time. 1 pkg. (16 oz.) garden herb tofu, crumbled First, why was the great wise man of the Jews crying over a 3-4 frozen fish fillets (sole, Nile perch, etc.) 2 T. vegetable oil building made of bricks and stones? Second, why was he crying 1 T. lemon juice over the past? What happened cannot be changed. 1 clove garlic, minced ¼ tsp. garlic powder ½ c. chopped onion 2 T. ketchup 2 t. chili powder 4 T. mayonnaise ¼ t. paprika Drizzle lemon juice over frozen fillets and allow to defrost. Rinse ¼ t. cayenne pepper fillets lightly and place in a lightly greased baking dish. Sprinkle with garlic powder. In a separate bowl, combine ketchup and mayonnaise. ¼ t. ground cumin Spread over fish fillets. Bake in a preheated 350º oven (I use my 22 23 ¼ t. salt 1/3 c. oil

Dear Rebbitzen Horowitz, Spotlight on Chinuch ½ lime, juiced 1/3 c. vinegar I am stuck home in the city during the summer. I work and the kids ½ c. tomato sauce 2 T. brown sugar are in day camp. The days are so long and by the time I get the children inside and in bed, I am even more exhausted than usual. I become short- ¼ c. fresh cilantro, chopped 1 T. soy sauce tempered and cranky myself. The classic summer treats like ice cream and 10 medium taco shells, heated dash of garlic powder rides that buy a little time and cooperation run into real money if I do 2 c. shredded lettuce Combine the salad ingredients in a large bowl. In a separate bowl, mix them often. Their effect does not last. Before I know it, the kids are kvetchy the dressing ingredients thoroughly and pour over the salad. Serves 2 tomatoes, chopped and fighting again. What can I do to make this summer better for all of 10-12. us? 1 avocado, peeled, pitted, and diced 1 c. shredded Cheddar cheese Super-Refreshing Fruit Soup ¼ c. salsa This is a great recipe for hot Friday nights when you’re not in the Rebbitzen Faigie Horowitz Responds: Over a medium heat fry the tofu, oil, garlic, and onion in a large mood of serving chicken soup. Although it makes a huge amount, you Summertime in the city is a real challenge to all parents. It can be a time skillet for 5 minutes. Add the chili powder, paprika, cayenne pepper, can divide it into containers and freeze it for those weeks when you for memorable family activities and a time for real bonding as a family cumin, salt, lime juice, and tomato sauce to the skillet and stir. Cook don’t have time to cook. The best part is that the fruits are all in season unit, but it takes some planning, preparation, and strategy. for 3 minutes. Stir in the cilantro. Spoon mixture in a serving bowl. now, and your kids can help with the chopping! Spoon the tofu mixture into taco shells. Top the mixture with lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, Cheddar cheese, and salsa. Yields: 8-10 tacos. 4 peaches, cut in chunks Spotlight Approaching the ten-week recess from school like a head counselor in camp will give the kids the fun they crave and you some freedom from Tip: If you buy the Ortega taco set, which includes taco sauce and 4 plums, cut in chunks constant nagging. Take a calendar and a notebook and start making seasonings, you can use the taco sauce in place of the salsa and the 2 pears, cut in chunks seasonings in place of all the spices listed above. some lists: 1 apple, cut in chunks on Chinuch 1 large can pineapple chunks • You want to have a list of rainy day activities. These might be craft ½ package red jello (strawberry, cherry, or raspberry) projects, models to build, word puzzles to solve, scrap booking your summer adventures, and creating sukka decora- tions. Making an indoor picnic on a blanket spread on your dining room floor is a novel activity, especially if you serve lemon juice, to taste picnic foods and provide some plastic bugs. Get some ideas from books you take out from the library. Begin to develop water a list of materials you need and designate a private place to keep them so that the kids don’t see them. You can collect Place all fruit in a pot with jelly and water to cover plus 2-3 cups. old magazines and other art paraphernalia and begin an art corner with the things around the house. You want to keep Cook about ½ hour. Add pineapple and cook an additional five the bought projects hidden in a secret stash for crises. Be prepared for long stormy Friday afternoons (a mother’s worst minutes. Turn off flame. Add jello powder and mix well. If it’s too nightmare) with some new games. sweet, add lemon juice. Chill and serve. Serves about 12. You also want to have a list of activities for really hot days. These might include family car wash day and a water balloon fight. You can paint a banner with feet dipped in paint just like the kindergarteners do with their hands. Making frozen treats like ice cream in Dixie cups, melon baskets, and chocolate molds are fun in an air-conditioned kitchen.

• On really hot days, you may want to get out of the house and into a cool, air-conditioned place. This could be the library in a different neighborhood, a museum, the children’s ball room at IKEA, the furniture galleries at a department Lettuce-Mango Salad store, or Barnes and Noble’s children’s department. They are much better choices than an arcade or a mall. If you really For all you salad lovers out there — this is a terrific Shabbos lunch engage the children when you get to your destination, give them attention, and place limits in advance on what you will dish, especially in the summer time. The mango makes it amazingly buy, you will even have some time to relax on your own while they are reading and exploring. pretty and colorful. It’s also a breeze to put together — no more endless vegetable-chopping as you prepare for the seudah! You can Outings are also something you want to have planned and on your list. Coming up with ideas, directions, and un- also make it ahead of time and pour the dressing over it at the last minute so it doesn’t get soggy. crowded times to visit are not things that you can deal with at the last minute. Get the schedules of children’s activities at the local museums, libraries, and parks. Many are evening activities which will end with a bunch of tired, satisfied kids. 1 bag shredded Romaine lettuce There is usually a website named something like Freenycevents.com in each city that you can check out. Exploring a 1 medium-large mango, cut in chunks neighborhood like Chinatown can be exciting, especially if you buy some exotic vegetables to bring home and cook. (Be ½ red onion, cut in thin slices sure to know what to do with it before you buy it.) Visiting old Jewish neighborhoods takes more preparation but will be ¼ c. slivered almonds, lightly toasted more meaningful. Waterfronts are favorites for all ages and are popular sites for free events. They are also cool.

1/3 c. Craisins A camp head counselor also schedules activities for specific days. She tells of some activities in advance, building them Dressing: 24 25 up, and getting everyone excited. Some are just a surprise. Other activities get instructions just before. You know the On A Lighter Note surprise drill. It goes something like this: “OK, everyone get into the car in fifteen minutes. Go to the bathroom, brush your hair, wash your face, and get ready. When everyone is in the car, I’ll tell you where we’re headed.”

There are also special days like twin days, backwards day, dress-up-in-one-color days, etc. You can put those on a backup list for when things go wrong or you just don’t want to do anything major. Library visits can be made once a week with supper in the park immediately following. Those that want to read their books can do so and those who want to run around can do that too.

Besides busyness and fun at Camp Mishpacha, summertime is a time for deepening relationships without the pressure of school. Make sure to give each kid some private time once a week for a half hour. This is time when you do what the Points to Ponder designated kid wants together with him or her — read, sing, bake, or just talk. Everyone else knows that their turn will come so they generally cooperate. Besides the obvious benefits to the children of quality time, you are training your kids • If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? that everyone needs time by themselves. Take private time with yourself sometimes. • Is it possible to be totally partial? Mothers have needs, too, and they need to be addressed. Take some time alone at least once every two weeks. Get a • What’s another word for thesaurus? babysitter and get out without a child, even if it is just to the library where you can read undisturbed or somewhere where you can air out. Give yourself a break. You deserve respite and a vacation too! B • Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting? • Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Rebbitzen Faigie Horowitz, MSM, is a veteran Jewish communal professional and is a board member of several organiza- tions. She is the rebbitzen of Bais Medrash Heichal Dovid of Lawrence, NY. • When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink? • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Before I Was a Mom • Why is the word abbreviation so long? Before I was a Mom — I never knew that something so small could affect my life • Why do psychics have to ask for your name? I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. so much. I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never knew that I could love someone so much. • Why is it called a building when it’s already built? I never thought about immunizations. I never knew I would love being a Mom. • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Before I was a Mom — Before I was a Mom — • Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? I had never been puked on. I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my • Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills? Pooped on. body. Chewed on. I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry • If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2? I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. baby. •Why do you have to “put your two cents in,” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny I slept all night. I didn’t know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel going to? Before I was a Mom — so important • Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar but when a jar is open isn’t not adoor? I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do and happy. tests. • Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new? Or give shots. Before I was a Mom — • If something was misspelled in a dictionary, how would we know? I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every ten I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. minutes to make sure all was okay. • Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours? I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heart- • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? ache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom Before I was a Mom — I didn’t know I was • Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom. • Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? put him down. Author Unknown • Do the alphabet song and “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” have the same tune? I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt. • Why did you just try singing the two songs above? 26 27 On A Lighter Note 29 How not try. That’s I ask myself. At two At myself. ask I B Sure, I prepare – I at least try... “Don’t “Don’t beat yourself up... Don’t shopping without being previously notified? prepare? really ever I Do in the morning, I’d like to be kind to my own worst critic. I do. really, flying myself feel I though, am, I as proactive As through time with dizzying rapidity, as able to firmly hold onto special moments as I can onto sparks. As one recent and enlightening discovery would have it, amid my impending move and navigating my career, the school year – just like that – was over. I had done what I never believed it was possible for me, stepped had I do: to person, a and parent a as back too with far, way too many expectations for myself, and had stopped appreciating the little things. When did that happen? did that happen? I allow myself to be carried through a plummeting spiral of shame and disappointment for a few moments. Soon, right on cue, Liba’s voice bubbles up through the somber haze of guilt materialized before that me like has an impenetrable brick wall. expect it to work itself out. It’s supposed to be half and regular half say, Try, process. gradual decaf.” Half regular and half decaf. I let that thought roll around in my head for a minute. So...while I really shouldn’t expect too much of myself at this point, I can’t the whole point – to do the best I can. I am hoping that planning ahead will work to some extent. You see, before bed, I I went laid to out a new bathrobe the that foresight I to had buy a couple of during weeks my lunch ago break. My daughter would appreciate having it in time for her first day My is tomorrow. of camp, which incidentally, boys have five new lead pencils each on their desk, which I remembered to buy last time I was in the grocery. And my three-year-old’s hand-me-down camp bag is packed with the essentials that I managed to gather together for her in the nick of countertop where time. I won’t It miss it sits during the on the morning rush...right to next a small container of decaf coffee. that I was going was I that guess turkey when you’re faced What a whopping headache you must have... with deadlines! supposed It’s out. itself work to it expect Don’t to be gradual process. say, Try, half regular and half decaf.” I “Okay,” nodding reply, my head and filing “Thanks a lot.” away that tip for later. I’m on 2:18 the P.M. way back to the office and stop at a red light. I only notice now that the soda can doesn’t say Hmm. “Caffeine-Free.” I decide to overlook it, and finish the second deadlines Looming gusto. with day my of half become fodder for carefree laughter as I tick one task after another off my to-do the list day. I shrug for off any remaining concerns I have about the extra caffeine I’ve ingested. No worries. peacefully, sleeping all are kids The P.M. 10:17 and the house is clean. As I prepare to go to bed, I feel a familiar second wind coming on. I become aware of the time displayed on the kitchen clock as my exhausted trudge, slowly is sure It gait. energetic an becomes surely, but young! so is night the here...and around quiet Hey, anyone want to do some kickboxing? Anyone? 2:25 A.M. I stare at the same see to never myself to vowed had spot I that ceiling at my the reviewing again, ever hour ridiculous this at this at only is it that funny It’s head. my in day of clarity blatant such have I that night of time day, the throughout mine of action single every and can analyze it as if it was someone else who had done it. It’s sort of an out-of-body experience, and that’s part of why I’m able to have such an unbiased opinion. A biting P.M. 3:15 at coworker a at hurled had I insult that I had believed to be well-deserved seems petty and juvenile at this she late criticized hour. my Sure, daughter, but her mother’s elderly been ill, and she’s pretty tired of my three-year-old’s attitude, anyway. (Frankly, so am I, but that’s not for now.) I also don’t really think I ought to have snapped at my preteen daughter who honestly did not know that the frozen yogurt was really for me. And to supposed son my was want her to I come to the unfortunate conclusion that a change must be made be must change a that conclusion unfortunate the to come I in my diet. No more morning audience, rapt my to head my coffee. nod resolutely I Tomorrow, Cokes. No more afternoon Diet start living…caffeine-free. I will clarinet, and French horn. The clarinet, elusive and article French somehow got written up the editor and within half an emailed hour from to when took I that first sip. I also did a brainstorming session with Yael, had a mini-meeting with Hindy, and proofed a series Malky. Which gets me of wondering about my ads with little caffeine problem. It’s not problem, so is it? much I mean, a look how productive it makes me. I’m at the top of my game here. My supervisor turns around and tells me that been I’ve like looking longer no to addition in hit by a Mack truck, I’ve accomplished much the of course the over did she than work more morning. I can’t imagine ever giving up caffeine! This day is awesome! 2:00 P.M. It’s hard over was it like felt that day a through halfway to believe that lunch my take to out punch I started. I’m it before break, and stop into the cafeteria to see what the in there materialized magically have might two hours since I’d made my second cup of Liba, with chat to moment a for stop I coffee. a coworker whose daughter is always getting beaten up by my daughter. “So if you can believe it,” I begin in a tone that sounds as if I very much believe it, “I tried to give up caffeine today.” I smile lamely, trying to be very nonchalant about it. I take this approach only because Liba sits right next to me, and had not only already seen me drink two cups of coffee, but cup first the to talking me heard probably had as well. “Oh, really?” she asks good-naturedly. gather it’s not going “I very well.” She eyes the empty coffee cup in my hand. “No,” I smile “not sheepishly, well at all. In fact, by all standards, I failed today.” seem pretty happy about it.” “You I “Well, am. Right now I am.” I grab a diet how tomorrow me “Ask fridge. the from Coke I did at two in the morning.” Checking the clock, I realize I’d better make a run for it if I want to be at carpool in time. “Don’t beat yourself up,” Liba consoles me as I leave can’t the just room. quit “You cold By Esti Barker By Esti momentarily without disturbing my baby’s day baby’s my disturbing without momentarily (or her caretakers’ lives). I cautiously glance into the window of the room brightly and attempt decorated to steal a peek – only smiling serenely to five of sight the with faced be ladies, each one occupied in her own chatting task, with each other from their respective places in the room...over cups of coffee! Feeling defeated, I towards walk the men, parking who lot. have Two down their on the other each to talk work, to arrived just hall way into the building...each of them holding a paper coffee cup. Having exhausted all of my distractions in the nearby vicinity, I turn around to head back to my desk, and feel the raging battle within my skull stronger. become I slump ever into the cushy blue fabric of my chair, only to waiting for me to come patiently, to faithfully, see you sitting there my senses. “Why don’t you just take a sip?” you ask me “It’s not gently. like you’re going to drink the whole thing.” “I suppose you have a weighing point,” that option in my mind. “I do need I concede, to work, after all.” Lifting the cup containing the somehow still- hot coffee, I begin my morning anew. 11:39 A.M. If the first cup a of wake-up coffee call, was then the second one was seven-piece band, a complete with saxophone, . I try once more tryonce I will. .” blend into dark brown wood. invisible ­– enough is enough. I spontaneously just doesn’t “See? I’m exhale and screen computer my at back look I I you. ignore will I slowly. to direct my attention to the task yet the at words seem hand, to dance before my eyes and my thoughts consist not of pull quotes and dialogue, but of beans, rich, brewed French-roasted to chocolaty spring water, of the creamy opulence of perfectioneach in blessedly sweet sip... Okay jump up from my chair, sending it wheeling immediate alarmingmy and feet, several back coworkers for a short moment. old your – me “It’s cajole. you easy,” it “Take friend! Hey – where are you going?” I know my coworkers can’t hear your voice, but it pulls at me incessantly, and my into I give to willing can not I’m it. no ignore longer temptations either, so, muttering something about needing a bit area. day-care the to door the out of purposefully fresh air, I stride My head starts to pound dully. What better way to dissuade me from succumbing little my at glimpse a than to episode withdrawal a daughter’s cheerfully dimpled visage? The staff of the day-care center doesn’t like when mothers barge room into unannounced during work hours – and the myself distract to babysitting looking only I’m so. rightfully Caffeine-Free 1:47 A.M. I lay missing paint chip in the ceiling that awake, I always staring at accidentally that take for a spider. After the third carnivorousplants of species counting of round can I as colors polish nail many as naming and conclusion unfortunate the to come I remember, that a change must be made in my diet. No more morning coffee. No more afternoon Diet to head my nod resolutely I Tomorrow, Cokes. living…caffeine- start will I audience, rapt my free. 9:52 A.M. I should be working on my next magazine article, but I see you staring at me wafting steam your eye, my of corner the of out into dissolving before air the into inches several aromatic nothingness. I had only brought you to my workspace out of sheer habit, hoping that the smell alone would satisfy my caffeine craving. I let my gaze linger on the screen for several moments more before meeting your intent look head-on. “What?” you shrug your benignly, fragrance both tempting and beckoning. “What did I do?” “Nothing,” I grumble, annoyed for at even myself acknowledging you. “I’m just focusing.” not here.” even not I’m Pretend me. about “Forget You try to make yourself look insignificant, slumping a little and attempting to blend into the surface of my desk. It styrofoam white because more, even out stand only makes you 28 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Summer Sensations Dear Readers, We all owe someone, somewhere, a thank you. It may be our fami- lies, our parents. Perhaps our children’s teachers or baby-sitters. It may be a neighbor or a friend. Saying thank you doesn’t have to cost. By showing appreciation, we make this world a much happier place. We all need appreciation. Giving a gift doesn’t have to cost that much either!

My personal experience has proven this. In my local Family Dollar, I purchase pretty thank you cards for fifty cents or a dollar. At my local chocolate store, (they know me already!) I fill a small heart shape plastic box with $5 worth of tasty chocolates. Tied with a bright, pretty ribbon, it looks a lot more valuable! I have given teacher’s assistants $10 gift certificates to a beauty salon accompanied by a pretty thank you card. My son’s Rebbeim received gift certificates to our local sefarim store. The bus drivers got the thank you cards with some cash. If you have the funds, I have found attractive gifts at a low cost at Closeout Connection. Crystal items are below $10.

Butterfly Box When spending a Shabbos away, I was taught to always come with a gift. It may be a bunch of flowers for $3, it could be a box of Museums On Us. The summer is a great time to treat one-way, five-mile trip takes about 30 minutes, and is a chocolates, or even a $4 bottle of wine! Saying “thank you” earns Dear Readers, you and your family to some culture. Bank of America thrilling and beautiful way for smart New Yorkers to have you respect and further appreciation. I have found that when I ex- We’d love to hear from you. Please share with us press gratitude, often the other person will reciprocate in kind. provides free access to some of the nation’s finest cultural a perfect view of the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. what you enjoyed, benefited from, or found inspir- institutions during the first Sunday of each month for their The ferry departs every 15 minutes to half hour, depend- ing. We also want to hear what you’d like us to At this time, I’d like to thank Sister to Sister for the numerous ATM, credit and check cardholders. Participating institu- ing on the time of day. You can go to www. nyc.gov/dot change, or what you feel we can add. With your training sessions and informative classes which have been truly in- tions in New York include the Bronx Zoo, the Jewish Mu- and click on to the link for the Staten Island Ferry for the valuable. feedback we can continue evolving into the beau- seum, the New York Hall of Science, and others. For more exact schedule and how to reach the ferry from both sides. tiful Butterfly that we are metamorphosing into! info about the “Museums on Us” program, visit www. Cars are no longer allowed. To get on to the ferry from Best wishes for a safe and healthy summer, Butterfly Magazine bankofamerica.com/museums. the Manhattan side, get off the subway at the Whitehall Rivkie K. Email: [email protected] Street/South Ferry station. You can take the ferry to Stat- Fax: 866-751-8090 • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Prospect Park is so huge and so glorious that even many en Island, and get off there, or you can stay on for the • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Brooklynites don’t realize all it has to offer. There are six return trip to Manhattan. The ferry runs 24/7. Don’t go Dear Butterfly, Dear Butterfly, different playgrounds, nature trails, sprawling green fields, with the flow; to avoid jostling for space with workday com- and an amazing walking/biking path. One of the most muters, plan your trip for non-rush hour times. Bring food Firstly, I want to commend you on a fabulous publication and fo- Your newsletter is just so beautiful — the words of chizuk, fas- beautiful sections of the park is the Audubon Center at the and drinks (don’t we always?!) and a camera, and I know rum for us single mothers. I get such a thrill when I see the Butterfly cinating articles and stunning graphics are all so impressive. Sis- Boathouse. Easiest access to that part of the park is from you’ll have a great time. in my mailbox, and read it cover to cover. Great work! ter to Sister has amazed me time and time again with the many ways they reach out to me and make my struggles just a little the Lincoln Road/Ocean Avenue entrance. You won’t be- easier, and the Butterfly is certainly the icing on the cake. Each lieve you’re in Brooklyn. Admission is free, and on Sun- The New York Aquarium, located on Surf Avenue at I would like to zero in on one particular article from the last issue, entitled “Taking It Like a Man.” It really struck a personal chord issue reminds me that I am not alone and that people do care. days they have special programs for everyone in the family. West Eighth Street in Coney Island, Brooklyn, provides within me, and truly captured the kaleidoscope of feelings a single “Rejoining the Human Race” in your Shavuos issue was especially From 1-3 p.m. there’s art activities for very young children an entertaining and educational experience for the whole mother has when faced with those usually “man jobs.” I laughed meaningful to me. That story is very identical to mine, and reading at no charge. From 3-4 p.m. they offer free Discover Tours family. Walruses, sandtiger sharks, jellyfish, and sea lions till I cried when she described the mechanic – it is so true! Perhaps it just took my breath away. There is someone out there that really to learn about all facets of life within the park. Even just are among the hundreds of species that welcome visitors Sister to Sister could coordinate a “Mechanic Advocate for Single and truly understands what I am going through! I too am on a jour- walking around the lake, over the bridge, or under the wa- every day of the year. The aquarium opens every day at Mothers?” ney of self-discovery after a very difficult and bitter divorce. Your article gave me the courage to keep on moving forward, to continue terfall is a special treat. Bring old bread to feed the ducks 10 a.m. with seasonal closing times. Admission is usually Again, thank you for your wonderful magazine. discovering who I really am and to finally rejoin the human race. and a good pair of walking shoes. $13 for adults and $9 for children, but there’s a Friday Thank you for being there for me, because I just wouldn’t be able afternoon special from 3 p.m. until closing when you can Sincerely, to do this without you. Staten Island Ferry. A ride on the ferry is still an all- pay what you wish. It’s a great opportunity to visit this Miriam S. S.B. time favorite for people of all ages. And it’s free!! The landmark attraction. 30 31 • Spend time with each of your chil- should make us all put away our credit For the first time ever, a support group What’s Happening dren. cards! for single mothers of children with learn- • Acknowledge the things they do right ing and behavioral issues met, and the (even the little things) with a small com- We talked about “free days out” — feedback was extremely positive. at Sister to Sister pliment about what they did. taking the kids out doesn’t have to cost • Be an active listener for your child too much!! You could take a picnic to The goal of the group was to have moth- without judgment. Prospect Park or Zoo or go boating in ers in similar situations get together and • Give your children the opportunity Central park. It’s the quality time you share struggles, forge friendships, and (as age appropriate) to have some input spend with your kids that they will re- network with ideas and resources avail- in the supper/breakfast menus, where member — not the dollar value that you able to them in their goal of helping and how to spend Shabbos and Yom spend! their children succeed. Tov and other special occasions. • Keep the promises you make to your My own personal saver is having a Cool Chaya Sara Stark, the group facilita- children. Culture card. I received this from my tor with over twenty-five years of special • Make your home a happy and com- daughter’s Head Start program. With education experience, has a wealth to fortable place for your children. my Cool card, I have free admission to share on how to receive the maximum parks, zoos, and museums in Brooklyn, available to a special needs child within In our ongoing effort to provide our sisters with the hands-on tools needed to learn and grow, Sister to Sister These are some basic pointers to prac- The Bronx, and Queens. A wonderful our schools systems and within our state is proud to present to you an overview of some of our successful educational classes. For those of you who tice. You can do it. You are a capable way to fill those long, hot days between system, and can help guide you to get- haven’t been able to participate yet, we hope to see you real soon. For more info on any of the classes, please and loving person. Join us on our tele- camp and school. ting the most available for your child. contact Bleemie at 732-364-7899. conference on Tuesday nights as we ad- dress parenting issues. As imperative as it is to save money In the upcoming sessions we will hear by cutting back on the not-so-important from speakers on a variety of topics On May 26, 2008, Sister to Sister While we can all agree that parenting your own homes. Preregistration is re- ______stuff, we single mothers, must put aside related to children with learning and was privileged to conduct a parenting alone is never easy, with the right skills quired. If you have not yet registered money to use for ourselves. Whether it be behavioral issues, ranging from in class workshop led by the well-known Rivka and determination it can be done right. and would like to join please call Blee- Sister to Sister’s Money Group was a manicure, a sheitel washed, or a new situations, homework struggles, sibling Weber, LCSW, specifically geared to At times outsiders can “attack” our mie at 732-364-7899. You will be glad also a super success. Here is a mother’s item bought on sale, by giving to our- rivalry, and dealing with the ex-spouse the unique challenges faced by single abilities and scrutinize our every move. you joined! synopsis of what she gained from the selves, our children will benefit greatly. when it comes to issues with the chil- mothers. They watch to see how our families are class. dren. coping and wonder if we’ll make it, What Miriam Stern has to say I really feel I benefitted from this class. Rivka’s expertise on the topic helped which can be hurtful to our self-esteem. about the class: I learned a great deal from the budgeting It made me reconsider my expenditures Looking forward to greeting you at our us all understand our roles and our We must also remember to nurture our- Our parenting class via teleconference class I attended. It was given by Chanie and was a true eye-opener. next session! goals as mothers raising children alone. selves, so that we can physically and is quite an experience. Learning new Gluck. Single mothers need to be extra atten- emotionally nurture our children. Being skills and honing the ones we already Our next session will be on Monday, To register please call Chaya Sara Stark tive to their children’s mental well-being a happy and healthy mother is the most have will go a long way in producing a It was a round-the-table, friendly, and July 28, at 8:00, at the home of Suri @ 718-338-5910 to ensure that they are functioning and wonderful gift we can give our families. happy home for our children. relaxed environment where everyone Frenkel, 82 Parkville Ave., Brooklyn. thriving despite their challenging situa- was able to share. ______tion. Children in divorced homes often Hatzlachah in your parenting, and lots In attempting to do the best that we can fear that the parent who stayed in the of nachas!! for our children, it is imperative that we We were given a handout with a list of home will also abandon them. It’s safer forge a most positive relationship with daily / weekly and monthly expenses. We and easier to be angry at the parent that ______them. The better our relationship, the were asked to keep track of basic spend- stayed — usually the mother — so she easier time we will have with other is- ing from food, clothes, or credit card bills naturally gets the brunt of that anger. Sister to Sister has begun our inno- sues that come up. Good relationships to gas or personal spending as in mani- vative program, teleconference parent- with our children will result in more co- cures, sheitel washing, etc. Once we had Girls might focus that anger inward, ing sessions, geared specifically to the operative children. established a list of spending, we were sometimes leading to depression, while single mother. Facilitated by the star of asked to pick five items that we thought in boys it usually manifests itself as ag- parenting sessions, Miriam Stern, The following are pointers that we dis- we could cut back on. gression. These emotions have to be these sessions are there to offer practi- cussed in our sessions on how to estab- validated, understood and addressed. cal hands-on tips for toddlers, children, lish a positive relationship with your The key to saving is awareness and orga- They desperately need our three C’s pre-teens, and teens. The eight-session children: nization. We discussed how materialism — care, commitment, and consistency, series are offered on Tuesday evenings • Let them know that you love them does not bring happiness! That thought more than any other kids. from 9-10 p.m. from the comfort of (tell them). 32 33 Sister to Sister has become aware of a new service that serve to stay out of financial discussions, custody battles, visita- is now available called SPEAK. This is not a Sister to tion changes or any of the other logistical issues that come out of Sister To Sister Sister program, but we have already begun to hear posi- their parents being divorced. Su p p o r t Gr o u p tive feedback from some of our mothers. You don’t have to like your ex — but your children deserve to Sc h e d u l e have an open, warm and loving relationship with both of their Butterfly Bulletin Here are some FAQs about SPEAK: parents. Bo r o Pa r k What Is a Co-Parenting Facilitator? Anger, resentment and vengeful thinking are normal. When A Co-Parenting Facilitator acts as a “go-between” to help di- things aren’t fair in your eyes, when someone isn’t doing what Monday, July 21 vorced parents make decisions and modifications to their regular you think they should in a given situation, it is natural to want to 9:00pm schedules, which serve their children’s best interests. punish them. “Normal” and “natural” don’t mean right. We hope you are all enjoying our Erev Shabbos hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh 2127 59th st. phone calls and tidbits that we enjoy sharing with What We Do Sometimes people act without realizing that they are hurting Nechama Stolzenberg you. If you do not receive our calls please be sure One of our mothers began a Bike Gemach. Anyone in- We step in between parents to communicate effectively where their children. That is why we are here. they are otherwise unable to do so, which brings a sense of con- (718) 207-1317 to call the office at 718-338-2943 to let us know! terested in donating or receiving a bike, please call Chaya trol to otherwise out of control interactions. Do you feel anxious before you call your ex? Nervous that the Sara Stark at (718) 338-5910. slightest thing could lead to an outburst? With S.P.E.A.K., you When agreements or arrangements are made through a coparent- don’t have to worry anymore — just call us. We will call your ex Fl a t b u s h We have been receiving calls that some of our mothers are having hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh ing facilitator, no messages need to be sent through your children and work things out. August 6 trouble hearing the weekly Erev Shabbos phone calls. and you don’t have to deal directly with your ex. Your S.P.E.A.K. facilitator is available to deal directly with you 9:00 pm Tiferes Yonah is a group in Boro Park that offers exciting Your children are allowed to enjoy the innocence of childhood and your ex-spouse in matters dealing with the children and other Leah Heller There are several things that could cause the message to repeat night time activities for young boys who are not in sleep- and the guilt-free relationships with both parents that they are agreements made between the two of you. entitled to have. 1125 East 31st when you answer the telephone. These calls are generated by a away camp. It is primarily a Yiddish-speaking group, but computer system. The repeats are caused by our computers think- Tel: 212-55-SPEAK (212-557-7325) 718-258-3893 there are non-Yiddish-speaking boys who attend, too. The Why We Do It ing they are dealing with an answering machine and not a hu- Children deserve to remain as innocent as possible. They de- [email protected] www. aftertheget.org phone number to Tiferes Yonah is 718-907-6451. man. Here are some things that can cause this scenario: Qu e e n s The Chazak Hotline is a free 24-hour inspiration line, created with the goal of giving every person Sorolle Book • Answering the phone without saying anything like “Hello.” hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh the opportunity, at his or her darkest hour, to have somewhere to turn for encouragement. There is a 917-693-3595 Some people do this when they know an automated call is woman who tells her story of triumph over the challenge of divorce. She got divorced twenty years ago, coming in. However, it is not a normal scenario and it causes The Star-K launched the Institute of Halacha as a free and tells how the time of her divorce seemed like a totally hopeless and helpless situation, but slowly Fi v e To w n s confusion. with much strength and encouragement, she kept climbing the mountain and making a new life for public service. If you have a halacha question of any na- Monday July 28th • Answering the phone and continuing to talk over the message ture (not just kashrus), and don’t have a personal rav to herself. She eventually remarried and had more children and is today a happy and healthy wife and that is being played. mother. She wants to give chizuk to those in the situation she was in many years ago from her vantage 8:30pm pose your question to or your rav is unavailabe, you can point of being past the divorce. She remembers wells the insecurity, shame and despair, but she has Devorah’s house • Answering the phone with loud background noises (radio, call the institute and speak to their rav. television, kids, loud restaurant, etc.). triumphed over the greatest challenge in her life. She would like to share the lessons she’s learned to 525 Adams Ave. shield our children from the trauma of divorce and to help us get through this nisayon with dignity and • Listening to the message over a speakerphone. West Hempstead The Institute of Halacha is directed by HaRav Morde- faith. Please listen to her story, and hopefully you will learn and grow and be inspired.

chai Frankel of Baltimore, and is under the guidance of If anyone finds the message “skipping” like this, they can stop it La k e w o o d HaRav Moshe Heinemann, Star-K’s rabbinic adminis- To hear her story, dial the hotline number in your area. Then press 3 for life’s challenges, press 2 for by pressing any number on the phone. This will let our comput- personal stories for overcoming tragedies, and then press 14 to hear this particular story. LCSC ers know that there is a live person on the line. After pressing a trator. Hadassah Goodman number, the message will go to the beginning and play completely Hotline Phone Numbers Bklyn/Queens 718-258-2008 Denver 720-496-4220 Rockland 845-356-6665 732-901-6001 through without interruption. Halachic questions may be called into the Institute at 410-484-4110 x238, Monday-Thursday from 2-5 Israel 03-929-0707 Passaic 973-928-0950 Teaneck 201-645-4650 Mo n s e y If after trying these suggestions you continue to have trouble p.m., Friday from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., or e-mailed to Ohel with your incoming calls please call us at the office and we will Suri Frenkel, Shadchan Services / Certified Life Coach [email protected] (e-mails will be answered only dur- Miriam Horowitz refer your telephone number to the company that delivers these ing the hours noted). Servicing Second Marriages and Mature Singles calls for further investigation. 845-425-7705 hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh We are pleased to share with you the services of Suri Frenkel, who is now available to ______NEW! Readers in Eretz Yisrael that have DSL counsel singles, both men and women, for a nominal fee. A consultation will include lines are invited to join! Call us at 718-338-2934. Tehillim relationship life coaching and assistance in helping you find your bashert. Si s t e r t o Si s t e r Please say Tehillim for Chaim ben Sarah. Laurie, we In addition to being a certified life coach, Suri brings her years of experience in guiding Mo n e y Gr o u p hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh hhh wish your brother a speedy recovery. Our thoughts women toward more productive and fulfilling relationships, to the area of shadchonus. July 28, 8:00 pm and prayers are with you always. Her approach for successful matchmaking is to help one gain awareness of who they are, Suri Frenkel S2S is coordinating Shabbos meals between our mothers what they need in a relationship, and how to achieve it. She will invest the time to truly 82 PArkville Ave throughout the summer. If you would like to host, or attend get to know each client in a professional and insightful manner. Thereafter, with the as- a meal by one of the mothers in our group, or if you would sistance of Rabbanim involved, she will endeavor to help each single find their life-long Si s t e r t o Si t e r like to be placed for a meal at the home of a family within Pa r e n t i n g Teleconfrence partner in a befitting and respectable fashion. Suri Frenkel can be reached at 718-873- the community, please call 718-921-8561. Tuesdays 9pm 0788. RSVP 732-364-7899 34 35 36