FIRST PERSON JAYSON BLAIR

ayson Blair’s name became synony- mous with scandal and disgrace, Making a turnaround following his highly publicized self- destruction at The New York Times in By Jayson Blair diers, the Washington, DC–area snipers, 2003 for rampant plagiarism and fabri- and other high-profile stories of 2002 and cation of news stories. The scandal rocked t’s not front page news when most 2003 a “low point in the 152-year history” the venerable newspaper and led to the res- people tell a lie. When I repeatedly of the newspaper. The paper also report- ignation of its two top editors in June 2003. did so, it was, and it was the reason for ed on errors and fabrications in my sto- my downfall. ries going back to 2000. After a couple of years of tremendous On Sunday, May 11, 2003, The New upheaval that included diagnoses of bipolar As a team of Times reporters and York Times ran a 7,000-word above-the- disorder and the penning of a rapid response researchers dug into my background fold, front page story (accompanied by a pulling together the loose threads for book, Burning Down My Master’s House: My 6,400-word litany of corrections) that that Sunday newspaper article, I was sit- Life at The New York Times, Blair’s life is summed up many months of lies, decep- ting in Silver Hill Hospital in New beginning to turn around. tion, and a double life I had been living as Canaan, Connecticut, following a suicide Now 29, Blair is working part time as a a reporter for the newspaper. The Times attempt that only a few years earlier I book editor and finishing the college degree called my fabrications and plagiarism in would have thought unimaginable. I was he waved off when he grabbed the chance to stories about Iraq War prisoner-of-war not driven to attempt to take my life out write for The New York Times. His recovery Jessica Lynch, the families of missing sol- of the burden of the scandal. Rather, the includes medications, treatment, and contin- ued learning about bipolar disorder. Speaking to the public about his experiences is two- way therapy treatment for Blair, and he says, the questions have become less onerous. Blair was a featured speaker during February—Black History Month—at the Glendale Public Library near Phoenix, where Cynthia Landrum, event organizer, told the Arizona Republic: “Obviously, because he’s a controversial figure, we thought he’d draw interest.” But she also adds that Blair offers something that is not always available. “He P h o

talks about mental-health issues among t o :

T African-Americans, and about dealing with H O M A

his own mental-health issues. I don’t think he S

D .

necessarily uses it as an excuse,” says B L A I Landrum, “but I do think it is an important R

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issue and needs to be discussed.” p

M a Following is Jayson Blair’s first-person g a z i n account of how bipolar disorder has e impacted his life. Jayson Blair relaxes in his home in Centreville, Virginia, where he works part time as a book editor.

42 bp Spring 2005 attempt came as I tried to hold on to my treated with Ritalin for years, until a deter- nize. I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a train sanity among the waves of my rapid-cycling mination was made that this drug was doing wreck waiting to happen. Only very atten- emotions in the days before it became obvi- me more harm than good. tive individuals, like my college advisor ous to my employers that I had fabricated Withdrawal from Ritalin proved diffi- Olive Reid (now assistant dean at the and plagiarized at least one story. cult. About this time, I experienced my first University of Maryland’s Philip Merrill In a matter of a few years, I had gone episode of depression—a deep darkness College of Journalism, at the time director from being a rising star that left me recoiling in of undergraduate programs there), could reporter at The New York Times Often, I would my room, unable to see I was headed off the tracks and toward great disaster. to a disheveled, drug-addicted “get high to pull relate to a loving and alcoholic whose mind was still supportive family. These Olive recommended that I seek coun- ravaged after getting clean myself out of a periods of despondence seling. “Even though you are full of energy and sober. Like Icarus, I were followed by highs and always smiling, I can see through you soared like an eagle, but fell morose mood and that I thought were the and can tell everything is not okay,” Olive with a shattered wing. It would natural rising tide that told me at the time. “You might be be easy to say that May 2003 then go back into follows depression. In was the worst month of my the office at 2 a.m. those high school years, I life. I lost my job. I lost the found that the highs respect of friends and col- to finish a story. occurred when I was at leagues. I was publicly humili- ” my best—my most cre- ated. My girlfriend left me. And, in my ative, charismatic, energetic, and intellectu- heart, I had no one to blame but myself. It al moments. This was hypomania, although turned out, however, that May 2003 was I did not realize there was a name for what actually the most important month in my I was experiencing. life. That is when I was diagnosed as having Indeed, hypomania helped me excel in bipolar disorder. The shreds of my life and high school, where I joined the student the heart-wrenching disorder of years past newspaper, the Sentinel, and wrote as a all began to make a little more sense—at reporter and news editor. I did not think least to me. much of my highs and lows during this peri- od, other than knowing that my experience P

with depression helped me sympathize with h

never wanted to be remembered the o t o :

way I am now. Instead, I wanted to those in pain, or experiencing mania, and P R

N

be remembered as a distinguished gave me the gift—at times—of much ener- E W S reporter for The New York Times. I wanted to gy. When I was hypomanic, it was as if I was W I R travel the globe, collecting awards, and on a train that could not be stopped, even E with all my will and supported by the During May, 2003 when the scandal was at helping people through journalism. There its height, Blair's face was themedia image are those who would want me to spend my strength of others. of the moment. remaining days focusing on the depravity of In the summer of 1994, following my my past actions, and one should not mis- senior year in high school, I went to work as depressed, Jayson, as hard as that is to imag- construe my reluctance to do so as a lack of a reporter for three months at a weekly ine. You just have to remember that being remorse. In a life with emotional highs and newspaper based in Reston, Virginia. As a depressed does not make you weak, even lows that can only be tempered by the twin student at the University of Maryland, I though getting help takes a lot of strength.” remedies of psychotherapy and powerful worked for the independent student news- Still, because of my previous experience drugs, it does not do me much good to paper, the Diamondback, and wrote as a free- with ADHD and my pride, I resisted getting focus on the negative. lance writer or intern reporter for the help. After all, I told myself, with all the My mercurial moods first manifested Washington Post, the Boston Globe, and The grandiosity of someone in mania, what themselves during childhood, when church New York Times. On the outside, people saw could be wrong with a college student who choir leaders and teachers would comment the mania and thought my career progres- was going to take a job at The New York Times on my excessive energy and my parents sion unstoppable. They were happy to before he graduated? took me to a doctor to see if something measure my success as productivity. I was in awe when I joined the reporting might be wrong. I had been labeled as a But very few saw the deep depressions staff of The Times as a summer intern in gifted and talented child. At the same time, I experienced, or understood the dangers 1998 at age 22 and was then named a I was having difficulties that resembled a of mania. As my career rose to great heights trainee, or “intermediate” reporter, in 1999. learning disability. I was diagnosed with for someone so young, few knew that I I remember one moment standing in the attention deficit hyperactivity disorder had already begun self-medicating with hallway staring in wonder, respect, and (ADHD) by a general physician and was alcohol and drugs an illness I did not recog- admiration at the framed pictures of the

bphope.com 43 weakness. At that time, I could have gone back to The Times’ employee assistance counselor for help, but I didn’t. During this period, I knew something was terribly wrong. I should have asked for help. Had I done so, I most likely would have been diagnosed, and might still be a reporter for The Times. Why did I fabricate and pla- giarize? Bipolar did not make P h me lie. o t o :

T I was trying to accomplish H O M my job while I was sick without A S

D letting anyone know that any- . B L

A thing was wrong with me. I R f o

r Thousands of communications b p

M professionals suffer from mental a g a

z illnesses and have never let their i n e disorders affect their jobs. I can- Blair has always been able to count on the support of his family. not underestimate the role immaturity played in my story. men and women who had won a Pulitzer problems I knew I had at the time—and my I was caught in my deceptions as I was Prize for America’s newspaper of record. I life slowly began to get better. None of us rapid-cycling between mania and depres- was honored even to be in the hallway. knew that I was also bipolar, and that by no sion. My landlords literally expressed con- longer medicating my moods, I was going to At first, I was a reporter for the metro cern that I might have a brain tumor. I was experience an emotional rollercoaster akin section, covering law enforcement, media, asleep all day and then up for days on end. to what can happen when someone goes off technology, utilities, and other topics. Or I could not get out of bed for days, and his or her medications. Initially, I received rave reviews from my then I could not find a bed where I could supervisors for the amount of time I was will- My first recognizable delusions came in sleep. Attempting to reconstruct these ing to pour into reporting and taking on the fall of 2002, after I had been named to months is both emotionally painfully and lit- assignments that would be ducked by oth- the prestigious national staff of the paper. (I erally difficult because of lost periods. What ers. I was able to succeed, in part, because I had been named a full-time reporter in I do know is that being caught is the best was able to medicate my moods and keep 2001.) I was sent to cover the Washington, thing that ever happened to me. I know, at myself hypomanic most of the time. Soon, DC–area sniper shootings, something that however, this became much more difficult. I only bolstered my manic grandiosity. Please turn to page 60 found myself increasingly in the bar and I already had inflated self-esteem, a turning to drugs like cocaine to keep my decreased need for sleep, a mouth that highs going. could not stop moving, and thoughts that Often, I would get high to pull myself out were racing. I was already easily distracted of a morose mood and then go back into the and focused only on goal-oriented activity. office at 2 a.m. to finish a story. In addition to Soon, however, I found myself moving into P

the dangerous territory of mania—high-risk h

the long hours of drinking and drugging— o t o :

and the toll they took on my body—this sub- behavior in the form of fabricating and pla- T H O

stance abuse eventually began to have little giarizing stories. The first acts were lifting M A S

to no effect on my moods. Gradually, I sank paragraphs from Associated Press news D . B L

into a deep darkness. reports without attribution and then placing A I R f them into my stories. o My “Come to Jesus” moment came in r b p

January 2002, when I went to get help from Quickly, though, the acts of plagiarism M a g a z

The Times’ employee assistance counselor, and fabrication became more bold and high i n on the recommendation of one of my edi- risk, and my illness became more crippling. e During February—Black History Month—Blair tors. With this assistance, I got into rehab for Perhaps, none of this would have happened, was a featured speaker at the Glendale Public my alcohol and drug problems—the only if I had not been so prideful as to not admit Library near Phoenix, Arizona.

44 bp Spring 2005 JAYSON BLAIR Virginia, for those with bipolar. I speak at SOUND OFF Continued from page 44 schools, libraries, and other places where Continued from page 31 the least, that I would have had to wait people believe they can learn from my situ- loser for dropping out of school. Now, a year later, I longer for the measure of peace of mind ation. The most pronounced change I’ve find myself in Northern California, with Americorps I now enjoy. If I had not noticed in the last year NCCC (Corporation for National and Community been caught and if I had The road to when I am speaking has Service) doing community service but not really enjoy- not attempted suicide, been that the questions ing myself. I snap at people, and the few times I’ve been “recovery is by no have become less hos- enjoying myself, someone tends to kill my mood. Lena Williams, the chair- person of The Times news- means perfect and tile—even from idealistic It does not help that I take my medication spo- paper guild, would never journalism students— radically and that I freeze out when it comes to have called The Times’ it has centered and the focus has shifted group discussions. I totally flip out on people when they talk mad, stupid stuff. When I am told employee assistance coun- from The Times scandal to take it easy, chill out, or calm down, I can’t selor, who got me into around faith, family, to learning how to live because I don’t know how. I take things to heart Silver Hill Hospital. and recover from men- and friends. because the medication makes me feel like an tal illness. Without Lena’s help invalid, like a freak of society who cannot control I”am lucky to have a family who are and the help of others, I would not have their feelings. I feel like I have lost all control of been humbled and forced to set aside my devoted to understanding bipolar disorder my feelings and I don’t know how to get it back. pride. I would not have been so quickly and supporting me when I am depressed, The medication, I feel, is a temporary fix to some- diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. I or checking me when I am manic. I am thing that may, one day, be cured. would not have all the support of the beau- lucky enough to have the chance to return Ariana Matos, McClellan, CA tiful people in my life and the wonderful to college to complete my degree in busi- opportunities I have now. ness communications and to build a large Watches for med adjustments group of supporting and loving friends. I have not come off my meds. But I have a difficult time realizing when I need to go back have no idea what my future holds—I am lucky enough to have a flexible job, to my doctor and have my meds adjusted. have good days and bad days now—but working as a book editor for Phoenix Name Withheld I am looking forward to growing and Books, that allows me to take days off when learning. It is hard for me to describe the I am too high, or too low, or to work at four She won’t stop without an OK difference between living with bipolar now, in the morning. As a recovering alcoholic had been on a successful medication regimen for and my life when the illness was undiag- and addict, I have found it easy to create a few years when I decided that I didn’t “need” nosed and therefore untreated. Today, I am my own 12 steps to mental health recovery, medications anymore. I thought I could find an in psychotherapy, under the care of a psychi- focusing especially on spiritual, mental, alternative way to treat my illness by using natural atrist, and on medications. The road to emotional, and physical health as the keys herbs and supplements. Well, I was off meds for recovery is by no means perfect and it has to using my illness to my advantage, and one year without any problems and then bam, centered around faith, family, and friends. keeping it from harming me further. I went on a downward spiral into a manic, then depressive episode. This was the worst feeling The struggles with feelings of shame Often, I am asked whether my contin- ever because in previous episodes, I blacked out that strike at my ego because I have to take uing bipolar recovery has been made more and did not remember how I felt during those medication to survive and the remorse I difficult by also having to go through the times. But this time, I was fully aware and in the terrible situation at The Times. I do not feel about my indefensible actions at The moment of a deep depression, it was horrible. look at it that way. I understand that it took Times remain a constant in my life. At one This experience taught me a valuable lesson point, I almost slipped back into drugs losing something major and valuable for and I will never stop taking my medication and alcohol. And I have sat in my bed star- me to take my mental health seriously. again without my doctor’s consent. ing at the ceiling wondering why all life’s The experience at The Times has also given A. Mayes, Chicago, IL blessings had to be accompanied by a me the chance to make something good chronic illness like bipolar. Those are only come out of my illness—opportunities to No meds: “dark thoughts” the worst days, however. On most days, I speak and be heard, and to make people nitially, after stopping my medications, I have a greater appreciation for who I am, more aware of, and knowledgeable about, I ceased feeling “dead,” inside. I was able to a stronger understanding of my strengths bipolar disorder. Often, I believe, life’s laugh and cry. It wasn’t until the end of the and weaknesses, and a healthier and hap- gifts come in strange-looking packages. second month that I began to experience my pier life, primarily through the support This is one of those occasions. “dark thoughts,” suicidal ideations, and felt that lonely, hungry, gnawing feeling in my gut of my family and a small group of close When I look into the future, I cannot that warns of an upcoming depression. These friends who are also either living with honestly tell you what my dreams are symptoms collided with my episodic bursts bipolar, or in substance abuse recovery. beyond continuing in my recovery, which of energy, racing thoughts, insomnia, attention Focused on making something good has become the bright candle in the dark- deficit, and agitation. Combined, they created come out of a bad situation, I have started ness, allowing me to smile when I think a devastating mixed episode. a local support group here in Centreville, about the future. Dawn Shy

60 bp Spring 2005