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First Person Jayson Blair FIRST PERSON JAYSON BLAIR ayson Blair’s name became synony- mous with scandal and disgrace, Making a turnaround following his highly publicized self- destruction at The New York Times in By Jayson Blair diers, the Washington, DC–area snipers, 2003 for rampant plagiarism and fabri- and other high-profile stories of 2002 and cation of news stories. The scandal rocked t’s not front page news when most 2003 a “low point in the 152-year history” the venerable newspaper and led to the res- people tell a lie. When I repeatedly of the newspaper. The paper also report- ignation of its two top editors in June 2003. did so, it was, and it was the reason for ed on errors and fabrications in my sto- my downfall. ries going back to 2000. After a couple of years of tremendous On Sunday, May 11, 2003, The New upheaval that included diagnoses of bipolar As a team of Times reporters and York Times ran a 7,000-word above-the- disorder and the penning of a rapid response researchers dug into my background fold, front page story (accompanied by a pulling together the loose threads for book, Burning Down My Master’s House: My 6,400-word litany of corrections) that that Sunday newspaper article, I was sit- Life at The New York Times, Blair’s life is summed up many months of lies, decep- ting in Silver Hill Hospital in New beginning to turn around. tion, and a double life I had been living as Canaan, Connecticut, following a suicide Now 29, Blair is working part time as a a reporter for the newspaper. The Times attempt that only a few years earlier I book editor and finishing the college degree called my fabrications and plagiarism in would have thought unimaginable. I was he waved off when he grabbed the chance to stories about Iraq War prisoner-of-war not driven to attempt to take my life out write for The New York Times. His recovery Jessica Lynch, the families of missing sol- of the burden of the scandal. Rather, the includes medications, treatment, and contin- ued learning about bipolar disorder. Speaking to the public about his experiences is two- way therapy treatment for Blair, and he says, the questions have become less onerous. Blair was a featured speaker during February—Black History Month—at the Glendale Public Library near Phoenix, where Cynthia Landrum, event organizer, told the Arizona Republic: “Obviously, because he’s a controversial figure, we thought he’d draw interest.” But she also adds that Blair offers something that is not always available. “He P h o talks about mental-health issues among t o : T African-Americans, and about dealing with H O M A his own mental-health issues. I don’t think he S D . necessarily uses it as an excuse,” says B L A I Landrum, “but I do think it is an important R f o r b issue and needs to be discussed.” p M a Following is Jayson Blair’s first-person g a z i n account of how bipolar disorder has e impacted his life. Jayson Blair relaxes in his home in Centreville, Virginia, where he works part time as a book editor. 42 bp Spring 2005 attempt came as I tried to hold on to my treated with Ritalin for years, until a deter- nize. I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a train sanity among the waves of my rapid-cycling mination was made that this drug was doing wreck waiting to happen. Only very atten- emotions in the days before it became obvi- me more harm than good. tive individuals, like my college advisor ous to my employers that I had fabricated Withdrawal from Ritalin proved diffi- Olive Reid (now assistant dean at the and plagiarized at least one story. cult. About this time, I experienced my first University of Maryland’s Philip Merrill In a matter of a few years, I had gone episode of depression—a deep darkness College of Journalism, at the time director from being a rising star that left me recoiling in of undergraduate programs there), could reporter at The New York Times Often, I would my room, unable to see I was headed off the tracks and toward great disaster. to a disheveled, drug-addicted “get high to pull relate to a loving and alcoholic whose mind was still supportive family. These Olive recommended that I seek coun- ravaged after getting clean myself out of a periods of despondence seling. “Even though you are full of energy and sober. Like Icarus, I were followed by highs and always smiling, I can see through you soared like an eagle, but fell morose mood and that I thought were the and can tell everything is not okay,” Olive with a shattered wing. It would natural rising tide that told me at the time. “You might be be easy to say that May 2003 then go back into follows depression. In was the worst month of my the office at 2 a.m. those high school years, I life. I lost my job. I lost the found that the highs respect of friends and col- to finish a story. occurred when I was at leagues. I was publicly humili- ” my best—my most cre- ated. My girlfriend left me. And, in my ative, charismatic, energetic, and intellectu- heart, I had no one to blame but myself. It al moments. This was hypomania, although turned out, however, that May 2003 was I did not realize there was a name for what actually the most important month in my I was experiencing. life. That is when I was diagnosed as having Indeed, hypomania helped me excel in bipolar disorder. The shreds of my life and high school, where I joined the student the heart-wrenching disorder of years past newspaper, the Sentinel, and wrote as a all began to make a little more sense—at reporter and news editor. I did not think least to me. much of my highs and lows during this peri- od, other than knowing that my experience P with depression helped me sympathize with h never wanted to be remembered the o t o : way I am now. Instead, I wanted to those in pain, or experiencing mania, and P R N be remembered as a distinguished gave me the gift—at times—of much ener- E W S reporter for The New York Times. I wanted to gy. When I was hypomanic, it was as if I was W I R travel the globe, collecting awards, and on a train that could not be stopped, even E with all my will and supported by the During May, 2003 when the scandal was at helping people through journalism. There its height, Blair's face was themedia image are those who would want me to spend my strength of others. of the moment. remaining days focusing on the depravity of In the summer of 1994, following my my past actions, and one should not mis- senior year in high school, I went to work as depressed, Jayson, as hard as that is to imag- construe my reluctance to do so as a lack of a reporter for three months at a weekly ine. You just have to remember that being remorse. In a life with emotional highs and newspaper based in Reston, Virginia. As a depressed does not make you weak, even lows that can only be tempered by the twin student at the University of Maryland, I though getting help takes a lot of strength.” remedies of psychotherapy and powerful worked for the independent student news- Still, because of my previous experience drugs, it does not do me much good to paper, the Diamondback, and wrote as a free- with ADHD and my pride, I resisted getting focus on the negative. lance writer or intern reporter for the help. After all, I told myself, with all the My mercurial moods first manifested Washington Post, the Boston Globe, and The grandiosity of someone in mania, what themselves during childhood, when church New York Times. On the outside, people saw could be wrong with a college student who choir leaders and teachers would comment the mania and thought my career progres- was going to take a job at The New York Times on my excessive energy and my parents sion unstoppable. They were happy to before he graduated? took me to a doctor to see if something measure my success as productivity. I was in awe when I joined the reporting might be wrong. I had been labeled as a But very few saw the deep depressions staff of The Times as a summer intern in gifted and talented child. At the same time, I experienced, or understood the dangers 1998 at age 22 and was then named a I was having difficulties that resembled a of mania. As my career rose to great heights trainee, or “intermediate” reporter, in 1999. learning disability. I was diagnosed with for someone so young, few knew that I I remember one moment standing in the attention deficit hyperactivity disorder had already begun self-medicating with hallway staring in wonder, respect, and (ADHD) by a general physician and was alcohol and drugs an illness I did not recog- admiration at the framed pictures of the bphope.com 43 weakness. At that time, I could have gone back to The Times’ employee assistance counselor for help, but I didn’t. During this period, I knew something was terribly wrong.
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