Rose’s Legacy

Contents 1967 ...... 3

EARLIER ...... 4

SHARN ...... 13

TRAUMA ...... 13 Chapter 1 ...... 13 Chapter 2 ...... 19 Chapter 3 ...... 24 Chapter 4 ...... 33 Chapter 5 ...... 36 Chapter 6 ...... 43 Chapter 7 ...... 49 Chapter 8 ...... 54 Chapter 9 ...... 56 Chapter 9 ...... 64 ISOLATION ...... 69 Chapter 10 ...... 69 Chapter 11 ...... 80 Chapter 12 ...... 85 PURSUIT OF LOVE ...... 97 Chapter 13 ...... 97 INDEPENDENCE ...... 107 Chapter 14 ...... 107 Chapter 15 ...... 110 LOSS ...... 117 Chapter 16 ...... 117 Chapter 17 ...... 122 Chapter 18 ...... 131 Chapter 19 ...... 135 Chapter 20 ...... 138 Chapter 21 ...... 141 Chapter 22 ...... 146 JOHN ...... 155

Chapter 23 ...... 155 Chapter 24 ...... 162 SHARN ...... 166

FINDING PURPOSE ...... 166 Chapter 25 ...... 166

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Chapter 26 ...... 174 HEALING ...... 178 Chapter 27 ...... 178 Chapter 28 ...... 180 DANIEL ...... 184

Chapter 29 ...... 184 Chapter 30 ...... 189 Chapter 31 ...... 198 BILL ...... 204

Chapter 32 ...... 204 Chapter 33 ...... 215 Chapter 34 ...... 219 SHARN ...... 223

TRUE LOVE ...... 223 Chapter 35 ...... 223 Chapter 36 ...... 226 Chapter 37 ...... 229 Chapter 38 ...... 231 ROSE ...... 234

Chapter 39 ...... 234 HELPFUL TIPS ...... 237

EXTRACTS FROM ROSE -THE LAST STRAW...... 237 Living with Depression ...... 237 Sharn’s Strategies...... 238 RESOURCES ...... 240 MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS ...... 241

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1967 My body lies prone. There is a sticky puddle spreading beneath me on the timber flooring of the verandah in this God forsaken hell hole we now call home. My husband rushes toward me. The screen door bangs behind him and he kneels beside me. He acts like he cares. He rises and stumbles inside and reaches for the phone. The operator comes on the line and I know John will not say much while she is listening as it will spread through town like wildfire. After a pause John speaks to the ambulance officer and gives our address, stressing it is an emergency. John is gone for a while, probably checking on our beautiful four year old daughter. Then he returns to the verandah, kneels and very tenderly lifts my head and places a cushion underneath, before gently lowering my head down onto the soft spongy fabric, instead of the hard floor, stroking my forehead lovingly. “I love you, Rose,” his voice filled with love and meaning. “No. That can't be. John doesn't love me!” “Or does he?” “What have I done?” ☆

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EARLIER Rose I am waiting for my husband to come home, as I do frequently. John didn’t come home for our ten-year anniversary dinner, nine days ago, and it is early hours of the morning. My senses are heightened listening for the car as I gnaw at my nails. We moved to the property a couple of months ago. It is very lonely as I am isolated with our four-year-old daughter, Sharn. I still miss my dear dog, Chief, after he was poisoned. John takes the car to work so I have no transport. All I wanted was to fall in love, marry and have a normal family, something I never had, with the death of my parents and the onset of my illness. I thought John was the love of my life and we were happy for five years then things changed. After my operation and we moved to Wentworthville, that was a mistake! Falling pregnant was the best news we had heard in a long time. All I longed for was a child to love, protect and nurture, but it was a difficult pregnancy and I struggled afterwards, both physically and mentally. Sharn is the only reason I want to live.

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John With only an hour’s sleep, apart from sleeping in the car on his way home, John was running late for work and quickly checked on Sharn before passing the dining table, upon which a letter lay, addressed to him written by Rose. There was a couple of pages of writing and in his haste, he tore them from the pad, to read later at work, and stuffed them in his top pocket. It was not the first time Rose had written her feelings down for him to read. As he reached the car, John heard the screen door close and glanced back where his wife leaned over the rifle. John started running toward her, yelling - "DON'T!” Rose replied, "don't come near me!" CRACK! The loud shot rang out as she slumped to the floor, the rifle falling beside her. John continuing to race towards her, he hoped she did not inflicted a serious wound. A pool of blood was spreading out beneath Rose and John immediately fell to his knees beside his wife's prone body. "No, No, No, Rose, Noooo. Please be alive. Stay with me, Rose. I love you, don't leave." John wiped her hair gently from her forehead and felt for a pulse, then ran inside to ring the ambulance. After the call, he checked on Sharn who was still sleeping and grabbed a cushion on his way back to his wife's inert body. He thought the gunshot might have woken their daughter. Gently lifting Rose’s head, he placed the cushion underneath to make her more comfortable. Tears streamed down his face as he sobbed, "why, why did you do this?

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Stay with us, Rose. Please don't die, Sharn needs you. I need you!" John continued to stroke her face and hold her hand. The hand in his grasp was warm, the one with her wedding ring. The significance hit him hard. He cried more, noting Rose aimed the rifle at her heart, the centre of love and the place she hurt the most. "Rose, I am so sorry, please hang in there, the ambulance will be here soon, stay with me, Rose." John stayed with Rose until he heard a siren getting closer. As the ambulance came onto the property, John got to his feet and staggered out to meet them, then showed the attendants where his wife was and stood back as they place her on the stretcher. The large pool of blood was left behind on the floor. Before they carried Rose out to the ambulance, John picked up his wife's hand and kissed it and again told her, "I love you, Rose, hang in there." Then he followed her to the ambulance and stood by helplessly as they put the stretcher in. John could not accompany his wife because Sharn was still in the house and he had to cover up the blood. The paramedics offered awkward words of sympathy to him in his distress. John stood still as his eyes followed the ambulance’s progress as they left the property and out of sight in a trail of dust, heading toward town with his wife inside.

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Rose I am surprised by the amount of caring my husband displays. I thought he no longer loved me. Was I wrong? All I ever wanted was to find love and have a family. John begs me to stay with him and said he is sorry and loves me. He touches me tenderly and is holding my hand, the one with the wedding and engagement rings he gave me, when we were happy. At the sound of the ambulance, John lifts his head and whispers, “thank God it is here.” He stands and staggers out of the verandah as though he is drunk and leans heavily on our car, waiting. The ambulance parks and the attendants get a stretcher out of the back as they speak with John, then John brings them to me. They survey the verandah and look at me before one kneels to take my pulse. They lift me onto the stretcher. I am bewildered and John holds my hand as they take me and place the stretcher inside the ambulance. The doors bang shut, leaving my husband behind. He has to stay with our daughter. On our way into town there is a police siren then the ambulance slows and pulls over. It is the doctor who was on his way out to tend to me. The doctor enters the ambulance to see what he can do. We continue on our way to the hospital.

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John After the ambulance left, John returned to the house and found a piece of fibro to place over the blood in case Sharn came out. “What do I do first?” He asked himself, then made a call to his work. “Hello Frank, listen I need time off work, my wife has been rushed to hospital.” “Sure, John. I hope she is okay, let me know how long you need.” “I will get back to you, thanks mate.”

Then he read the letter his wife wrote to the Police:

Police

I can't take anymore – I want to live for my daughter, but you ask him if he is courageous enough to admit the truth.

He hates me; he stayed out all night again last night and all I get is a hit across my head. I can't take this place and his attitude of hate towards me. I get hysterical and there's no solution.

I tried to get a divorce, but am trapped in this living hell.

If only I could have found peace away from him and a little security.

My health can't hold out, I've met the limit of endurance now and so help me, I only wanted the right to bring up my daughter in peace and happiness. He wouldn't even come home to tea with us.

I have no choice, I'm broken.

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Rose Evans

John read his wife's words of exhaustion and futility. His salty tears stain the paper and guilt consumed him. Next, he read the letter addressed to him:

John

You don't have to treat me so badly just for yourself. I have tried to go on for Sharn. I can't take the lies and now the hitting.

I love Sharn, but God, you won't let me live. You keep at me, and at me.

You stay out. I know you're unfaithful and lie about money. Why? I never was much chop, but I tried to go on with every boring, monotonous day of our marriage.

Now only Sharn means anything to me. You don't; I hate and despise you now and don't want to leave her but you won't be happy ’till you have driven me to the finish.

I say the truth, and may God help me. You feel you have more right for happiness than the little I asked for.

You hit me John, I can't take it! Don't you understand?

John read how Rose reached her limit of endurance, and when he hit her, it was the last straw. John hated himself, feeling guilty about his selfishness and lack of thought for his wife, being isolated in the middle of nowhere, knowing she wanted to return to Sydney. She didn't even want to move out there. When he hit her, even though he thought it would ease her hysteria, he realised it was unforgiveable. Now, because of him, his wife did the unthinkable.

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John continued to sob as he read about the role he played in his wife's ultimate act, and he felt like an utter bastard! When he finished reading the letter and refolded it, he went into his daughter's room, crying, all the while pleading with God to keep his wife alive and bring her back to them. Awake, Sharn saw his distress. “Daddy, why are you crying? Where is Mummy?” John knelt and hugged their daughter. “Mummy has been hurt and an ambulance took her to hospital, Sweetheart.” Sharn began to cry, partly because of her father’s tears and partly because she worried about her mother. “Will Mummy get better, Daddy?” “Maybe the doctors can make her better. Can you promise to stay in here until I come back. Can you do that for me, Pumpkin?” He hugged her to him then pulled away looking at Sharn seriously, “Promise you will stay here?” “Yes, Daddy.” A police car turned into the property. John walked outside and propped himself against his car, waiting for the vehicle to pull up. The policeman exited the car and asked John questions, determining what happened prior to the incident, as they walked towards the verandah. John filled him in while the policeman took notes. “Who placed the fibro there?” “I did. We have a young daughter.” The doctor pulled up and walked towards the house. When he entered the verandah, he said to John, “I have seen your wife, I am afraid there is nothing I can do for her.” John, needed verification. "Has she gone?"

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“Yes, she is deceased.” John fought the urge to break down and clenched his jaw to keep tears from flowing as he answered the policeman’s questions, and handed over the letters Rose wrote. “Can you come into the station later this morning Mr Evans, to continue the investigation?” “Yes, I just need to arrange for someone to look after our daughter.” The doctor and police left the property and John returned inside, thinking he had taken his daughter's mother away from her and he knew how much Rose loved Sharn and wanted to stay for her. Because of him, she could not. He ran his hand through his hair as he processed what to do next. John picked up the telephone and rang his mother. "Mum, Rose has died. Can you get Ken and come out today?" John’s voice broke. "Oh, John, of course, but what happened? Are you and Sharn okay?" "Yes Mum, we are fine. I will tell you everything when I see you. You will have to take Sharn back to the city with you for a while, Mum. I have to go. Have a safe trip." Next, he rang Rose's aunty and dreaded the call, but it had to be done. Thankfully, her husband answered the phone. “Ray, its John here. I need to give you some bad news, mate. Rose died this morning. “No! That is terrible news, what happened?” “I can’t talk now but the funeral will be in Sydney and I will talk to you again later.” “Thanks for letting us know.” Ray’s voice conveyed his disbelief.

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Rose I hover over my body, I feel free, no more pain, I am as light as snowflakes. I can see everything so clearly now! My mind is no longer crowded with misconceptions, false realities and paranoia. I believed John did not love me and that Sharn was better off without me and John would return to the city where his family would support him to look after her. My useless body is slid into a freezer compartment. They are talking about an autopsy. I do not want to remain here. I want to go to my husband and daughter. I’m there! Just with a thought. I wish I could do that when I was alive!

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SHARN Trauma Chapter 1

The police and doctor are leaving and John is on the phone. I overhear him telling his mother I have died and he asked her to come out with his youngest brother, as he needs them. “You will have to take Sharn back to the city with you for a while, Mum.” He says. “NOOO” I rage, don’t take her away from you. She needs you now more than ever. Get your mother to stay and you can all return together, as I envisaged! John can’t hear me. Well, this is frustrating. I can read his thoughts but he cannot hear what I say! Then he rang one of my aunties and my uncle answered the phone. They were deeply upset and shocked by the news. I accompany John into our daughter’s room. Sharn is awake. “Where is Mummy?” "Mummy isn't here right now, Sharn. Remember I said she went to the hospital?" “Yes, Daddy.” He has to tell her I will never be there! What have I done? I will never be there for my child again, yet that is all I ever wanted, to have a child to care for. "Can they make her better?" John went to our daughter and sat on her bed. "Mummy has gone to heaven, Sharn. Do you know about heaven?" he asks our daughter, seeing if she understood. "Mummy said that Chief is in heaven." She made sense of it. "That's right, Honey, Mummy has gone to heaven to see Chief and her parents."

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“Chief is standing next to me now, Sharn.” I said but she does not hear me. Chief, our dog, wants me to walk into the light but I cannot leave my family yet. My daughter needs me, but I cannot help her and I cannot undo what I have done. At the time I thought it was the only solution, but now I can see clearly. If I persevered longer, things would have improved! I am now frustrated. I am here but not here. Now I am only a spectator with no influence. Maybe later I can help my daughter from the afterlife but my spirit is not strong enough yet. It is weak. Will it ever be strong? I question. Sharn frowns as she digests the information. John’s Adam’s apple bobs and his jaw is clenched as he desperately tries to hold in his emotions, then Sharn’s face crumples. "Mummy said Chief will never come home because he is in heaven," she cried, "will Mummy be coming home?" This undid John and his tears flowed. I would cry too if I could. I want to comfort them but I am nothing now, nothing tangible at least, and I caused their grief. John puts our daughter on his lap and cradles her as they both cry, "Mummy can't come home, Honey, I'm sorry, but she will still watch over you and be looking after you from heaven." I nod vigorously. I really hope I can do that and be strong enough to help our daughter. Stronger than I was in my earthly life. She means the world to me. Everything is very clear now. I realise my thoughts and reactions to life were based on how I grew up and the losses I suffered plus my disease did not help. My perceptions were filtered, coming from an unhealthy place. I got it all wrong! “I want Mummy to come home." "I know Honey, so do I.”

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I cry crocodile tears, feeling more frustration here than I did on earth. My spiritual heart is breaking, wishing I could turn back time. What a huge mistake I have made! It is clear to me now; my husband does love me. Why couldn’t I see it before. He loves me but has his own problems because his father drank, and his older brothers liked a drink to varying degrees. John started drinking too, but passed the point of no return, becoming addicted to alcohol and cigarettes. He wanted to provide for us and not let us struggle like his mother did, with eleven children, but wasted a good portion of what he earned on these addictions. He was caught in his own hell. What. Have. I. Done? He wasn’t unfaithful, like I thought. I projected my insecurities and how much I felt unlovable because all my life people I loved left me. They didn’t leave intentionally they were sick with tuberculosis. When I was two my father died from the disease then I was eight when my mother died from it as well, then I lived with my grandparents until I was diagnosed with the disease also.

John tried to distract Sharn. "Grandma is coming out, do you want to see Grandma? Let's get you dressed before she arrives." Sharn let her father help her dress, still crying but not asking any more harrowing questions. John fumbled his way around dressing Sharn. That was always my job but not now, or ever again. I cannot touch form or matter. I have given up my right to do these simple everyday precious things and I cannot touch my child. John picked Sharn up to carry her out to the kitchen, she hugs him fiercely, still crying and mumbling, "I want Mummy." Behind them I reach out to touch my daughter’s

Jaimewrenauthor.com 15 Rose’s Legacy tear-stained cheek, my hand could not touch her flesh in comfort. John hugged her tight, then put her down and asked, “what would you like for breakfast?” "Mummy always gives me cereal and a glass of milk." She starting to sob more and I reached out my hand to my daughter, to stroke her blonde curls, willing myself to touch, but nothing connects. "Okay Honey, let's have some cereal and milk." While Sharn ate, John left the room and rang a neighbour, Mary. I gazed with adoration at our daughter, unable to offer comfort to the pain I am causing her. John thanked Mary and returned to the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee, not eating. Sharn finished her breakfast. “Well done, Sharn, have you had enough to eat?” "Yes Daddy, but I want Mummy." "I know you do, Honey. How about we go for a drive?" He picked our daughter up and she continued her stranglehold around his neck until he placed her in the car, and drove to the property next door. He carried her inside but when he went to leave, she clung to him, crying, "No, Daddy, don't go, don't leave me, Daddy." I went with them and my heart was breaking over her suffering. Why didn’t I realise how much my leaving would affect her! I was too caught up in my own issues! "I won't be away long, Honey. I promise I will be back very soon." She still clung to him as Mary tried to distract her. “Sharn, I have cookies in the kitchen, will you come with me?” Sharn shook her head and held tight to her father. Eventually, Mary got Sharn's attention. “I have baby chickens in the shed, they are all fluffy and beautiful, you will love them, come on,” she held out her arms. Sharn’s face contorted in conflict between seeing the chicks and keeping her father with her. Reluctantly she let go of her father.

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I smiled my imaginary smile. My daughter loves animals, like I do. With Sharn content, for now, John drove into town. He doesn’t sense me with him. John drove to the Police Station, where he answered more questions and handed over an older partial letter from the writing pad, addressed to his mother. struggling I wrote to her pleading for her to help John to see that his behaviour was destructive to his health. His mother told me to talk to his brother, who would be the best one to talk to John. The detective then asked John to write a duplicate letter in his own hand to compare with my letter written to the police to ensure he did not write the original and merely claim it had been a suicide note from me. I sigh, grateful I wrote those letters otherwise they might have thought John killed me. Then where would Sharn be? Sharn needs her father now I am gone. John completed the letter even as his emotions flared, his face contorted in anguish as he wiped a tear from his eye. Then he handed over the box of bullets from home that the police asked for. They previously confiscated the rifle as evidence. The detective escorted John to the hospital where he was to identify my body. He dreaded it. Dead is such a harsh reality. “Don’t make him look at me now! I really do look d e a d.” I screamed at them but no one took notice. When they arrived, they went to the morgue, and John identified my face while my body lay on a cold steel table with a sheet over me. I didn’t want to look, but did. There is no doubt. My colour has changed, the juices of life no longer run through my body but pool low. “Is this your wife, Rose Lily Evans, Mr Evans?” “Yes, it is.” John tried to hold it together but his voice broke. I want to take his hand and lead him away. John struggled with his agony which is reflected on his face,

Jaimewrenauthor.com 17 Rose’s Legacy especially guilt as his thoughts portray. They covered my face again and slid my mortal body in the freezer drawer. “You can go now Mr. Evans but can you return to the Station on Monday?” “Yes.” I don’t mind reading other people’s thoughts! Another useful trait, if I were still alive! The police do not consider him a suspect or a flight risk, only that it is just a very sad situation. They are following procedure and feel sorry for us.

*

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Chapter 2 John returned to the property, avoiding the townspeople. The bush telegraph had been efficient in relaying news of the tragedy with all their theories which I am trying not to hear. None of them good. We picked up Sharn on the way and John thanked the neighbour for her help. “May I give Sharn one of the chicks? She loves them so much.” “Yes, a nice distraction for her, thank you.” Sharn’s face lit up! “Can I keep one, Daddy?” “Yes Honey, at least for a little while.” “I will go find a box you can put it in.” Mary went inside and returned with a shoe box with holes in the top, placed some hay in the bottom and the chick Sharn wanted before handing the box to Sharn who carefully carried it. “Thank you, Mary. I promise to look after it.” Sharn said. Animated, Sharn chatted on the short drive home while she looked in the box on her lap. Children have such a gift of living in the moment. I often watched her absorbed in her toys and make-believe world. “What are you going to call the chicken, Sharn?” “Ummmmm, Fluffball!” I could see her mind working, first in serious contemplation then the light bulb moment. “Well, it is a little ball of fluff, isn’t it?” When we arrived home, I wanted to take over with Sharn but I couldn’t. This is something I have to get used to but I don’t want to. I want to interact with my daughter! Chief still wants me to move on but I have to stay.

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John is trying hard to put his own agony aside and keep our daughter distracted from my absence and the little chick helped. I was a pivotal part of our daughter's life. He was setting himself an impossible task. “I want to show Mummy my baby chicken, Daddy.” Then her face crumpled. “I am sure Mummy is watching Sharn, and knows all about it.” “Really, do you think so?” Her face registered hope. “Yes, I do, Honey.” “I can see it Sweetheart. It is a ball of fluff and make sure you hold it gently.” Sharn never heard a word I said. It was lunchtime, so John made our daughter a sandwich with her favourite filling of strawberry jam and made himself another cup of coffee and a sandwich, trying to eat at least something. Sharn placed the chick in its box on the table and watched it while she ate. “What would you like to do this afternoon, Sharn?” "Mummy and I play with my dolls and have a tea party or Mummy would read to me or help me read or we would colour in." "You did all that? Well, we have a lot to do then." "No, Daddy, we didn't do ALL that in one day. Can we do some colouring in, but can I keep Fluffball with me?" “Yes, he can watch.” “It’s a she, Daddy.” “Oh, okay, she can watch us colour in. Lead the way, Madam." John took Sharn’s tiny hand in his large one and helped her off the chair and carried the box for her as she led him to her room. Taking the box from him, she carefully placed the chicken box on the table and went straight to a colouring book and pencils. As the afternoon continued, Sharn started yawning. As she was tiring, she began asking for me.

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"Why don't I lay down with you and we will have a sleep? But you have to promise not to snore." "Daddy, I don't snore, YOU snore." "No, I don't!" "Yes, you do, Daddy, and you snore very loudly, I have heard you." She wasn’t wrong there! I spent many sleepless nights listening to him snore! John picked her up and laid her down on her bed and gave her favourite doll to her, before he laid beside her. “Will Fluffball be okay while I sleep?” “Yes, Fluffball needs her sleep too.” Eventually, she fell to sleep, and John continued to lie with our sleeping child, worry etched on his face. I moaned in frustration. I want to reach out to my daughter and husband but I can’t offer them comfort and I am the cause of their distress! So many things I have forfeited! No longer able to dress my daughter or play games with her or read her stories, tell her I love her and hug her to me. I have made a dreadful mistake! I thought her life would be better without me but I was wrong! So wrong! She misses me so much and I feel her pain. Sharn woke up and asked for me. John had to remind her I wasn’t there but quickly mentioned Fluffball. She got off the bed and went to check on Fluffball who was happily scrounging in its shoe box of hay. As Sharn lifted the lid, I imagined the sweet earthly smell of hay. She picked up the chick and cradled her gently, giggling. It reminded me of happier times. Sharn was two. I strolled along the street we lived on in western Sydney, on a warm spring day with Chief by my side. A soft breeze ruffled strands of my hair as I drank in the colours of nature while inhaling the deep scent of flowers. I delighted in the

Jaimewrenauthor.com 21 Rose’s Legacy landscape of green grass and colourful flowers against a backdrop of trees and cobalt blue sky stretching before me as the warmth of the sun penetrated deep into my soul. The warble of magpies greeted me from nearby trees as a mother bird swooped to warn the trespasser away from its young. I hurried on, as the magpie settles, danger averted. We approached our home and made our way to the kitchen where I prepared lunch while Chief had a drink of water and settled near me. A new sound greeted me. It made my heart sing, and a smile graced my face. Out in the yard my infant daughter is soaring into the air, not a care in the world. Propelled higher and higher by her doting father, her blonde locks streamed behind and her feet reached toward the sky. How do I describe my daughter? The infectious sound of an infant’s laughter as she giggles merrily. It is a bright colour in shades of yellow and white. Uplifting in its melody, emanating from a little girl absorbed in the moment of joy, free of worries and immersed in her glee. It is the colour of sunshine and perfection I will cherish forever. As Chief and I descended the stairs to the yard my daughter waved to me and her father slowed the swing’s momentum. My little girl sprang from the swing and ran towards me, in her wobbly nappy hampered gait, engulfing my legs in a child’s hug. Proud parents, our eyes sparkled as smiles spread across our faces. We delighted in our creation, in love and adoration. Our child, the light of our life. Her spontaneous laughter as Chief licks her face in excitement, reunited after their brief separation, then she hugs her best friend to her. I can only describe the innocence of an infant and the simplicity of her existence as the colour of purity. Her father approached, and swung our child up onto his shoulders, after he gave me a peck on the cheek and we walked towards the stairs to have the lunch I prepared. This was when we were happy, before our marriage started to disintegrate so badly and before Chief was poisoned and I attempted to take my life for the first time.

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Before John had a job promotion, requiring us to move. Before we travelled as a family to the isolated property. A reluctant journey. From the front seat of the car, I could hear the wind rustling the gum trees. I despaired. In the distance, there was a hill with a smattering of trees through the shimmering heat rising off the road pavement ahead. The sky was clear and blue, not a cloud in sight. Tuffs of dull grass littered the landscape of red dirt. A crow aaaaarrrrks it’s lonely cry. The landscape barren, a miserable lonely place. I am sure it can look beautiful but not for me. Those happy times long gone and I had forgotten how good life was, before!

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Chapter 3 At dusk a car pulled up outside and John took Sharn to meet it. His family had arrived and as they got out of the car, they each wore looks of sympathy as they took in the sight of father and child. They made their way forward. Barbara took Sharn from John's arms while everyone said hello to her, then John's mother engulfed her son in a hug. Sharn was talking about Fluffball and Barbara took her inside to meet the chick. I stayed with John. When Sharn was out of sight he broke down, unleashing all the emotion he held within. His mother hugged him and he said over his mother's shoulder, "She shot herself, Mum! Why would she do that!" He could finally break down with his family supporting him. Ken and Joe each hugged John and then when John was more composed he wiped his face with his hanky and they walked inside but he kept running his hands through his hair and his eyes were puffy. Barbara returned to the kitchen with Sharn and John's mother went to her granddaughter and asked Sharn to show her Fluffball and her bedroom. When Sharn was out of the room Barbara hugged her brother, and was told what happened. With John’s emotions under control, he eventually told them about the events leading up to my suicide and the role he played. His mother returned with Sharn, and the women prepared something to eat. Meanwhile, the men went out to the car to bring in their things. John tried to force down some food, but failed. Following dinner, Barbara took Sharn for a bath and prepared her for bed. “Mum, you and Barb can have our bed tonight, I will sleep with Sharn, in case she wakes up asking for Rose.”

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“Probably a good idea, Son. We will make the bed up and put the old sheets through the wash for you.” “Thanks Mum.” They all took their turns in saying goodnight to Sharn. John was the last to say goodnight and he had to make sure Fluffball was settled for the night, with enough food and water, before Sharn would settle. “Goodnight Honey, I will be back later so don’t hog the bed!” “Goodnight Daddy. Will Mummy hear me if I say goodnight to her?” “Yes she will, Honey.” “Good night Mummy, and Chief, good night Fluffball.” John’s jaw clenched as he held back his emotions and I again regretted my actions and cried more of my crocodile tears. If they were real tears there would be no drought and the rivers would be full. The women returned from changing the sheets and setting up two makeshift beds in the lounge room for Joe and Ken then they all sat around the table talking. They asked John what he would do now about Sharn. “Can you take her back to Sydney for a while. Joe can she stay with you and Doris? I have some unpleasant things to attend to here with the police and sort out the house. It would be difficult to look after Sharn as well at the moment but Rose’s funeral will be in Sydney.” “I am sure Doris wouldn’t mind looking after Sharn.” Joe replied. “I will stay with you John and we can return to the city together.” “Thank you, Ken, I could use the support.” “Do you want me to stay too, John?” “No Mum, I think you could help with Sharn though, if you don’t mind.” I knew John needed time without Sharn to attend to things but why couldn’t his mother stay and look after Sharn while he went about his business. Sharn needs her father and shouldn’t be separated from him. I tried to tell them this but no words filtered the air.

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It had been a long exhausting day, still the same day that I took my own life. Everyone went to bed at 10pm and I listened to the conversations. Barbara and John’s mother were discussing me. “What made her take her own life and leave her daughter?” Barbara said. “They were struggling in the marriage and it didn’t help moving out here. You know Rose was high strung and very dependent on John.” “I just can’t imagine someone leaving their child. I know I couldn’t.” “No, it is very sad and now Sharn has no mother and John is racked with guilt.” Don’t I know it! I wasn’t thinking straight, too absorbed in my own torment. I went into the lounge room. “You know that was my rifle she used, Ken. I gave it to John when they moved out thinking they would need it.” “It’s not your fault Joe, John would have bought one anyway if you hadn’t given him yours.” “Still, I hate to think it was mine that killed her.” Poor Joe. Joe and Doris were our best friends. They met through John. Joe and John played tennis together and we often went out as couples before we married. John and I were a part of their wedding party but Doris just gave birth to their first baby early in the month of our wedding. Ten years ago and ten days since we married. “Don’t feel guilty Joe, it was not your fault. It was mine. You just look after my daughter, if she must go away at least you and Doris are the ones I would want to look after her.” Joe did not hear me. John eventually lay with Sharn, staring at the ceiling, far from sleep. I stayed with John and Sharn during the night and still Chief wants me to leave but I cannot. Chief is lying at my feet, in for the long haul. My loyal Chee. I do not need sleep, I sat by Chief and patted him as he nuzzled my hand in comfort. At least I can feel

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Chief on this side but not my daughter, we are removed by an invisible barrier, yet I am close by. John dozed off until Sharn stirred. He woke looking around disorientated then his face fell and he ran his hand through his hair as the events of yesterday hit him like a steam train. "I want Mummy, Daddy." "I know, Honey, so do I, but Grandma is here and we better check on Fluffball, let's go say hello, shall we?" She lifted the lid of the shoe box and picked up the chick and gently kissed it’s head before placing it back in the box. John carried her out. Everyone was already up. He handed our daughter to his mother. “Did you get any sleep John?” "A little, thanks Mum.” “Daddy was snoring.” “Was he now! Did he keep you awake?” “A little bit.” John’s mother focussed on Sharn, giving her breakfast. “Some breakfast John?” Barbara offered. “A coffee and a slice toast, please, Barb.” John sat at the table with his family and lit a cigarette. There was only light conversation. When Sharn finished eating her grandmother said, “Let’s go to your room and see what you want to wear for the day, Sharn.” Sharn took her hand as they made their way to her room and the men packed the car while Barbara tidied the house from their stay and did a load of washing. When everyone was ready, John's mother returned with Sharn and a bag of her things, then they all made their way out to the car. Sharn was still holding her

Jaimewrenauthor.com 27 Rose’s Legacy grandmother’s hand oblivious to the bag and its contents. She was busy playing with Fluffball while her grandmother packed. When Sharn realised she was supposed to go and her father was staying, “NOOO Daddy I am staying with you.” She ran to John, not letting him go. He picked our daughter up. "Honey, you go now with Grandma and I will come with Uncle Ken soon, I promise." "Daddy, why can't I go with you?" "Daddy has a few things to do before I can leave, and I need you to go with Grandma now. Can you do that for me, Honey?" "Noooo Daddy, I don't want to leave you.” She clung onto John. John walked with her towards the car and Barbara and Joe were already in the front seat, ready to go so as not to prolong the agony. John's mother sat on the back seat and asked John to hand Sharn to her, but Sharn would not let go of her father, holding on fiercely to his neck and crying desperately. He eventually extricated our daughter’s surprisingly strong grip around his neck and told her, "I will be with you soon, Honey, I promise." He handed our crying daughter to his mother and closed the door. I wanted to take our child in my arms and return to the house and I could see how hard it was for John to close the door on our crying child and walk away. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this!” I screamed. The car moved as John's mother tried to calm our traumatised child, giving Sharn her favourite doll for comfort. Poor Sharn, never even remembered Fluffball until they were well on their way. I ached for our daughter. “Don’t take her away from John. It will break her heart and she will feel both her parents abandoned her!!” I pleaded but no one took any notice of me. I didn’t know who to stay with, John or Sharn.

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Then I saw them both. Another skill I could have used on earth! I don’t know how I did it but I was in the car with Sharn, still crying, and at the same time, with John walking inside with his brother! I was bamboozled as to how I could do these extraordinary things yet I cannot do ordinary things like touch. Why didn’t I remember what Sharn would feel like, before it was too late? I should remember it well from my own childhood. My childhood loss of my mother was similar, but different. At eight I knew my mother and remembered she didn’t intentionally die. This meant a lot to me as a child and I denied this from Sharn.

I felt abandoned too but it wasn’t the same. First when my father died when I was two. My mother remarried but with the outbreak of World War 2 her second husband went to war and we went to live with my grandparents so Mum could rest as much as possible to heal and they helped look after me. My mother became sicker and died when I was eight but I had much more time with my mother and a better understanding of what was happening, not like my four-year-old daughter. My mother sat me down to try to prepare me. “Rose, darling, you know Mummy is very sick, don't you?” “Yes, Mummy, but please don't leave me.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “I am sorry, Rose, but I won't be around much longer and you have to be very strong. You know Nan and Pop will look after you, don't you?” “Yes, Mummy but I want you! Don`t leave me, pleeaasse.” “I love you dearly and would not leave if I wasn't so sick. I love you sooo much and I want you to remember that. Promise you will remember.” “Yes, mummy I will remember.” I flung my arms around her neck. I had to be careful as she was contagious, especially if she had a coughing fit.

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Not long after Mum’s chat l stopped by her door as I was leaving for school, not being allowed to enter as Mum was much sicker. When Mum looked up and saw me she said “Have a good day at school Pet, I love you.” I met my mother’s gaze. “I love you too Mummy,” and blew her a kiss to which I remember so clearly, she smiled and returned the gesture. That was the last time I saw my mother. She died of tuberculosis (TB) while I was at school that day. This was a devastating time for me watching her gradually deteriorate and die and I was only eight. I think I forgot my promise. She loved me and would not leave if she could help it. I felt abandoned then and it was painful ... just like my daughter feels and I caused those feelings! I can’t believe I have put my daughter through the same anguish. *

John returned to Ken's side, and they walked back into the house. He was again running his hand though his hair, a sure sign he was stressed.

“Where do I start, Ken?” “If you are giving up the house, we will have to start packing.” “Yes, I will move to the quarry for now. You are right. Sharn’s room might be the easiest.” “Aren’t you returning to the city?” “No, it is a good job and good money.” “What about Sharn?” “I will think of something.” This is sooo wrong! When they walked into her room John heard the chicken.

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“Sharn will be upset leaving Fluffball behind but she can’t have a full-grown chicken in the city with Doris and Joe. I will give it back to Mary.” “What are you going to do with everything, John?” “I will sort what I want and what Sharn might want and keep some things for Doris and give the rest away.” John went through Sharn's room, deciding what to keep for our daughter and take to Sydney. He made some good choices, keeping Chief’s framed photo and the bible I wrote in for her second birthday. He packed up her clothes, books, colouring books, tea set, puzzles and stuffed toys and dolls, not many, but enough. Then decided what Doris might like, choosing my sewing machine, overlocker and our sideboard. He also packed up and boxed some glass ware I liked, a cardigan I knitted, my typing and shorthand books, my camera and our bed spread. Doris had the exact same one but a different colour. John extracted the film from my camera and would get it developed in the city. I had taken a photo of Chief’s resting place before we left Sydney then some photos around the property. I realise now Sharn has no photos of us together except for her baptism. I should have let John take photos but I hated how I looked. He put aside our photo albums and framed photos, my jewellery box with some of my jewellery, hair clip, and wedding rings which the mortuary had returned to him when he identified my body then he packed his own belongings. Monday arrived and John and Ken called into our neighbours to return the chicken. “Mary, this is my brother, Ken. Sharn has gone to the city and I brought the chicken back. She really enjoyed having it and it was a great distraction, thank you.” “Hello Ken.” “Poor little mite.” “We must continue into town, thanks again.”

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They drove to town and John returned to the Police Station for more questioning. He was told my body would be released to the Funeral Director after an autopsy. John had already decided to take me back to Sydney, where I never wanted to leave. The week passed slowly as John and Ken continued to pack up the house that we had only moved into just over two months before. Later in the week John arranged for our furniture to be picked up as well as my clothes on the proviso my clothes were sent to a different town. John received a call. “Mr Evan’s, your wife’s autopsy is complete and her body has been transferred to the local Funeral Director. They will require your attendance to fill in some paperwork.” “Thank you.” John hung up and told Ken about the call. “Will you be okay if we transport the casket to Sydney overnight, Ken?” “I will be fine but it will be very hard for you. Isn’t there another way?” “Not really, I can’t afford to fly her back.” “I am fine with whatever you decide, John.” They were both dreading the idea. I could not believe John was going to transport my body and coffin to Sydney himself in our car.

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Chapter 4 Ken and John returned to Sydney in John's Ford Falcon station wagon in the dead of night with my casket in the back. I felt for the two brothers, especially John, and Ken was only in his 20s. Nine years younger than John. Ken tried to distract John from thinking about my deceased body in the back, but every time he looked in the rear-view mirror, he would see the coffin. They did not talk much on the long trip, with windows down, smoking cigarettes. There were two reasons for travelling at night. One being so the casket would not be so obvious, and the other, because it was cooler for the casket as the car did not have air conditioning. Being at the end of November, the days were heating up. Travelling in the heat of the day would be too much. During the lengthy trip, John spoke openly to Ken about his guilt. “I am angry with myself because I should have seen it coming. Rose tried once before to take her own life with sleeping pills, not long after Chief was poisoned, but it never occurred to me she would use the rifle.” “Don’t blame yourself for the rifle being used. It was necessary on the property, John.” “I pushed her too far by staying out then hitting her when she got hysterical. I did not get help for her the first time because she was such a good mother to Sharn and I was afraid they would put her away, for her own safety. I have heard terrible things about asylums but I should have told her family at least. I didn’t want to separate mother from daughter either, but now she has done just that.” Don’t I know that and already regret my decision which has taken me out of Sharn’s life. “You know we all like a drink, our older brothers and dad and I saw no wrong in that, it is normal in our family.”

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“Yeah, dad and our older brothers certainly like to drink but I guess getting home before tea time would have been more acceptable.” “Yes, I could have done at least that, but I didn’t. That was a sore point with Rose. I even forgot our 10th year anniversary.” “You can’t change anything now, Mate. Try not to beat yourself up.” “Rose hated living out there, and that I did not spend enough time at home. She accused me of lying about money and seeing other women. I hated the accusations and arguments. I should have done better. I did over spend on smokes, alcohol and the races but never lied and remained faithful. Our marriage was disintegrating for a few years and Rose had changed. I should have tried harder to make things better between us and not to come home for tea on our anniversary was unforgiveable. If I had put more of an effort into our marriage, she wouldn’t have done this! It is all my fault!” John wiped at his eyes. “I am sure it was not just you, John. Rose had a hard life and her own issues. You cannot blame yourself.” “Still, I am a lot to blame and now Sharn has no mother. What about her?” “We will all help as much as we can. You know that.” “Yes, thank goodness.” “I have to live with the role I played in her death and feel so guilty.” The brothers were quiet. All these thoughts were running through John’s head. I wish I could have read his mind when I was alive! Early the next morning, they delivered me to the Funeral Home and returned to their mother's house. ☆ I also reflected on when our marriage started to go wrong. Was it after I had an operation to remove my kidney which was badly damaged from tuberculosis? John and I were married for about five years by then.

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Or, did things go bad after we moved? This was just before Sharn was born. I was very lucky to fall pregnant and I was in and out of hospital. The doctors advised on an abortion in the third semester to save my life but we would not contemplate that. As it turned out Sharn and I both survived. Sharn was a specimen of good health but I could not have any more children. My health has not been good and the lingering after effects of the disease made me unwell and frail. When we moved house from Balmain to Wentworthville we were close to a Leagues Club. Prior to the move, John always had a beer or two after work and came home in time for dinner, which was when the hotel closed at 6.00pm, but the Club stayed open longer and John stayed out longer. In my insecurities I feared he was seeing someone else and accused him of it, especially if he didn't come home till morning which became increasingly frequent. He told me he went to sleep in the car and I did not believe him, accusing him of being unfaithful. We had terrible rows. I believe that was when our marriage started to go bad. Then when Chief was poisoned, I was inconsolable.

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Chapter 5 John had a couple of hours sleep at his mother’s home before he went to get Sharn from Doris and Joe’s place. Her face transformed from downcast to ecstatic in seconds when she saw her father. “Daddy!” She jumped into his arms. “Hello, Possum.” Sharn did not let him out of her grasp. Doris hugged her brother, “How are you, John?” “Still struggling.” “I am very sorry, John. Rose was my friend.” “I know, Doris. She didn’t realise how much she was loved.” Doris and I were good friends but I could not talk to her about her brother. Sharn stayed with John at his mother’s home while John was in the city and John arranged my funeral for Monday 4th December, 1967. It was to be a small gathering at the Rookwood Crematorium and John visited my family to tell them what happened. They were very shocked by my actions. There was a reasonable number in attendance at my service in the small chapel of the crematorium including the Trent family, my aunty Mavis, and my stepfather, Barry, and Margaret, my friend. Some of John's family also attended. I scanned all those present and realised how many people loved me and cried over my loss. There were others who could not make the service. I was loved I realised too late. Sharn stayed with Doris on the day of the funeral and was very upset every time John wanted to leave her to go anywhere.

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My body was cremated and laid to rest next to my mother in the rose garden. I look forward to seeing my mother again but I cannot leave John and Sharn yet. Again, and again, John was asked what he would do now with Sharn, and he could not give a definite answer. His usually replied, “I do not know yet.” All he knew was he was unable to look after our child at this point in time. I assumed the answer was easy. Before I died, I believed he would move back to Sydney, live with his mother and have his family around to support him and Sharn. I did not expect he would do anything else when I took my life. Now, he is talking about returning to work in the country and leaving Sharn with Doris and Joe longer. If only I had an inkling that he would do this! I may have reconsidered my actions. I was sure Sharn would be with her father and his family and be okay but now she is going through unbearable trauma with both John and myself leaving her! Joe and Doris have their own family, four boys and one infant daughter. How can they give Sharn the love and attention she needs? I try to tell John this over and over but he does not hear me. I ache as our daughter clings to her father. She would not leave his side during the week he stayed in Sydney. “I want Mummy, Daddy. Will you stay with me?” Sharn asked and cried every time John wanted to go somewhere without her. Not just a typical child’s cry but one filled with fear and anxiety. In my daughter’s young mind her mother was not there so she needed to make sure her father stayed, otherwise she would have no one, which was an intolerable thought for a four-year-old. Her safety and security of knowing her place in the world, with her parents, was threatened. She did not want John to leave fearing he would not return. To a youngster her mother had been gone a long time and if she is in heaven, she will never return. She didn’t want her father to go to heaven too, then she will be alone.

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The following Sunday, John packed up to return to work out bush the next day. He had left Tiny, our other dog, at the quarry in his absence. John tried to say goodbye to our distraught daughter. “Honey, Daddy has to return to work.” “Can I come with you?” “No, I will be working and there is no-one to look after you.” “Can’t you stay here and work here?” “Not yet. I still have things to do. Can you stay with Doris and Joe for a little while?” “I want to be with you.” “I will come back soon. I will be back before Santa comes.” “You promise?” “I promise.” Doris tried to untangle Sharn from John’s neck. “Nooooo, I don’t want you to go.” “I am sorry Sharn but I promise to return soon.” “Nooooo,” she cried as he walked out the door. Of everyone who could look after Sharn, Doris was a good choice but not as a replacement for us, her parents. The previous week she was with Doris, showed how badly Sharn needed her father despite how loving and kind Doris was. Sharn was only four and barely knew the family. She did not want John to leave her behind, she wanted to go with him or for him to stay and she got herself into such a state of distress that it was truly heartbreaking for everyone. Our daughter was making herself sick with panic, whether John was going for a couple of hours or weeks she was still just as distressed. I knew he needed time but why didn’t he resign to return to Sydney and be with our daughter? “Forget the money, John! Our daughter is more important!” He didn’t understand the long-term effects his absence would have on our daughter and I am guilty of the same! I already feel guilty about my own abandonment of our child

Jaimewrenauthor.com 38 Rose’s Legacy who is clearly suffering. My husband is suffering too but I hoped he would put our daughter first and finish with the house and his job then return to Sydney soon. I wish now I had put our daughter first! John knows Sharn is in good hands staying with Doris and her family while he sorted himself out and he believes he is in no condition to raise a four-year-old daughter and work at the same time, but he doesn’t understand the impact this will have on our daughter. I didn’t either, but I do now! John agonised about what to do now with our daughter. Someone in his family had suggested he adopt her out, but he would not contemplate that. For that I am grateful John returned to the quarry. He had the roll of film developed and I wish I had some of myself with Sharn for her to keep. John had with him his clothes, photo albums and box of keepsakes, including Sharn's birth weight and length card, my jewellery. Also included was our wedding certificate that he taped back together after I had torn it up. I wondered what he did with that! ☆ Our move to the western suburbs had coincided with Sharn being born. My emotions were raw and unstable and running high after our daughter's birth. I considered it hormonal and the doctor said I shouldn't have any more children. I let John down and my confidence suffered, and I became more insecure. John's behaviour was irresponsible and selfish. A married man now, he had responsibilities to his family, and a married man should spend most of his time with his family when he was not working. John clearly did not do this. With all these thoughts going through my head and my emotions on a roller- coaster, I glanced up at our Marriage Certificate across the room, mocking me. It represented the marriage we should have, not the farce that we lived. What happened to

Jaimewrenauthor.com 39 Rose’s Legacy the promises we made on our wedding day, to be committed to each other in all circumstances and to live happy ever after was just a fairy tale. In a fit of frustration and rage, I crossed the room and removed our Wedding Certificate from the confines of its frame, symbolic in a way. I wanted to escape the confines of a marriage where my husband no longer loved me or wanted to be with me. At times, I hated him for this and at the same time blamed myself and my illness. I tore up our Marriage Certificate, placed the bits on the kitchen table for John to find when he arrived home to his spoilt dinner. I was sending him the message that the Marriage Certificate was useless without the actions to support it and keeping the promises we made on that day. Feeling satisfied yet saddened, I then looked in on our sleeping child and retired to bed exhausted from my emotions. When John came home that night, I woke. He came to bed, but he did not say a word, instead he slept almost immediately which frustrated me no end. The next morning, he prepared to go to work and still said nothing. Then he gave me a kiss goodbye and left. I could not believe he said nothing about it, I believed he did not care. When I got up the pieces were not on the table and I checked the garbage and they were not there either. It was obvious he had seen them and removed them, but I did not know what he had done with them. That night he did not return home until late, and drunk. I was still up, and he sat on the lounge room chair and promptly fell to sleep. I realise now he was avoiding confrontations with me and resorted to his alcoholic addiction to cover his feelings. ☆ Our daughter was moping around, sitting on her own, not talking much to anyone. She was very unhappy and withdrawn. Doris was empathetic towards her, seeing how sad

Jaimewrenauthor.com 40 Rose’s Legacy and despondent she was. When she hugged her own children, she looked at Sharn to see her reaction without John and I there to hug her. “Come here, Sweetheart.” Sharn walked towards Doris with her eyes downcast and Doris lifted her onto her lap and gave her a hug. “Good girl, you know we love you.” She kissed the top of Sharn’s head. Sharn nodded but did not truly believe her Aunty. Our daughter was angry at the family for keeping her away from her father and had closed down. John returned to his mother's house for Christmas that year. Sharn ran to him, after his absence of three weeks, and would not leave him. It was obvious he loved and missed our daughter. He picked her up and threw her in the air and caught her, causing our child to giggle. I haven’t heard that giggle for ages. It is so infectious. John made an effort for Sharn’s sake to make Christmas a happy time and with John there Sharn was happy. Although she did ask for me at times, she played with her toys and kept checking that John was nearby. He was still being asked what he planned to do now and he raked his fingers through his dark hair and, respond, “I am not sure.” “I know! Give up the job and return to Sydney to be with our daughter!” I yelled at him, frustrated. “Your mother will take you both in and Sharn will be happy!” Still John did not make a decision. He wanted to continue working out bush. He wanted the money and an escape from his guilt and responsibilities, for now. “Doris can you continue to look after Sharn for a while until I sort something out?” Doris hesitated, “I can but Sharn is unhappy away from you and she should start school in February.” “It might be good if she starts school with your son, giving her company and some routine and distraction.”

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“We can always hope. My baby is due soon which is going to make things harder on Joe too.” “Mum is around the corner, she will help.” I was stomping around. If that is possible. “No. No. No. John!” I yelled but no one heard. “Your absence is tormenting our child!” I collapsed in a heap of regret beside Chief. This wasn’t how it was meant to be! Sharn is so sad and not coping away from both parents. Following Christmas and the New Year holiday John again left our traumatised daughter. It was very difficult to see her trying to hold onto her father to stop him from leaving, crying until she made herself sick. I tried to reach out to comfort her. Still, I cannot. John was preparing himself for my Inquest.

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Chapter 6 John returned to work and two weeks later attended the Inquest into my death on 17th January 1968. He did not engage legal representation. The file that outlined how proceedings went during the Inquest included the Coroner's findings, some clarifying questions he asked during the Inquest, and documents of evidence such as a medical report, various statements by John, the police and ambulance driver plus evidence and ballistics report. Those present included the Coroner, the Police sergeant in charge of the investigation, John, the ambulance driver and the medical examiner. At the start of the Inquiry, the Coroner clarified that the witnesses indeed wrote the statements and then took their depositions. He asked the ambulance driver if he had anything to add or retract from his statement, then the Coroner asked: Q In the statement, you say you saw this man stagger over to where his vehicle was parked near the ambulance. A. Yes Q. Would you say he was under the influence or that he was emotionally disturbed? A. Emotionally disturbed Q. What time was this? A. About 7 am Q. Nothing more you wish to add? A. No Q. That is your signature on that statement? A. Yes Sergeant. No questions.

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Deposition John's deposition was as follows: My full name is John Evans. On 25th November, 1967 I was residing at said property outside of Lake Cargelligo. On 27th November, 1967 I made a statement to the Detective. Sergeant Q. Is that the statement? The Coroner held it up. A. Yes Q. You have read that statement and examined the signature and there is nothing in it you wish to retract from it? A. No Coroner Q. This is a sad case, it is quite obvious. How long were you married? A. 10 years Q. How long is it since you drifted apart? A. It was on and off for maybe 5 years (Note: This coincided with my pregnancy, hospitalisation and possible pre- and post-natal depression, as I see it now.) Q. How long have you been living in this district? A. 2 months before Q. Was she happy living out here? A. Not very happy about it at all Q. Had she ever used a rifle to your knowledge? A. Yes, often target shooting at the property where I lived, shooting at tins off the fence Q. In other words, she was accustomed to using a rifle? A. Yes

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Q. There is a lot that can be said–it is most unfortunate that a thing like this could happen and nothing can be done about it now. It is stated she attempted to take her life on a previous occasion? A. Yes, once before Q. By means of sleeping tablets? A. Yes Q. It appears to me Mr Evans that you are definitely concerned in this because you could have given your wife perhaps some help and as you state you stayed out practically all night and it would appear that this was the last resort, and I shall give my findings later but I feel you could have been a better man than what you have been. ******

New South Wales Police Statement by John Evans: "On Friday night last, the 24th November 1967, I knocked off work at about 5.50 pm or thereabouts. I went to town to see a man who has the freezing works there. I met him at the hotel and spoke to him about coming out on Saturday or Sunday to fix the fridge. I left there about twenty to eight and I came back into the Lake, and went to the hotel, stayed there until about half past ten, then I went down to the café and I got some milk and bread, then I started to drive home. I was a bit drunk, and I pulled up around four miles out; I slept there in the vehicle until about a quarter past five the following morning, then I went home. When I got home, I went in and the wife was sitting up in bed, and we started to have an argument about me being late home. She didn't believe I slept in the car. There was also a further argument about money, she wouldn't believe me that I had been short paid.

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I laid down on the bed, and the wife was still arguing and became hysterical. She was singing out that loud that she woke the young child up and I smacked her across the face to bring her out of the hysterics. She began to cry after that. I am not sure what happened after that. I must have dosed off, and woke again about five to seven. The wife was still sitting on the bed sobbing. I got up and said I had to go to work because I was late. I walked out to the kitchen, saw the writing pad with the notes on it. The writing pad was sitting on the kitchen table, on the end, facing towards the hall with pages of writing on it and my name on the front. I tore them out of the writing pad, and put them in my pocket. I was going to read them later at work. I went through the kitchen and out to the car and opened the car door. I heard the back door and looked back towards the house and saw the wife on the verandah, leaning over the rifle. I raced back. I remember calling out, 'Don't' and I remember my wife saying, 'Don't come near me' but I'm not sure just where I was when she said this. I could have been between the car and the fence, or the fence and the verandah. When I was near the verandah door, I saw her starting to fall; she seemed to fall to the right and onto the floor of the verandah. I also noticed the rifle which would have been to the right of her, as I came onto the verandah. I am not sure if I bent down first or raced in to ring the ambulance. I know I brought a cushion out and put it under her head. I kept saying to her, 'why did you do it.' I remained with her until the ambulance arrived, and during this time I went in a couple of times to check to make sure my daughter was still in bed. After the ambulance left, I went back in and was lying on the bed with my daughter. Prior to going into my daughter's room, I placed a piece of fibro over the blood on the verandah floor so that my daughter could not see it. When I first noticed my wife on the verandah with the gun, she was bent over with the barrel in her chest, and the right hand down towards the stock or trigger.

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My wife, (Rose Lily Evans) suffered tuberculosis and about six years ago had one kidney removed, which was affected by the disease. My wife is a person who is very highly strung and sometime last year, while we were living in Sydney, she made an attempt to take her own life, with an overdose of sleeping tablets, however she did not have that many and I remained with her over the weekend, until she was right. When the Sergeant arrived, I showed him the rifle on the verandah floor and also handed him a note that my wife had written addressed to the police. I also told the Sergeant that I had covered the blood up with fibro so my daughter could not see it. At about 11 am on Saturday the 25th November 1967, I came into the police station and then went with the Sergeant to the hospital morgue where I identified the body of the deceased, to him as being my wife, Rose Lily Evans.” ☆

John was cleared and my death was recorded as suicide, or self inflicted. The doctor conducting the autopsy said that my death was instantaneous. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to write the letter to the Police and that was the verdict. John needs to be around for Sharn! The Coroner agreed John could have been a better man towards me. John will probably carry the guilt for many years. It sits heavily on his shoulders and he is drinking more to forget and dull the guilt and pain, but it does not work. After the Inquest, John continued at his job at the quarry near Lake Cargelligo. No matter how much I ranted at him to go to Sharn he continued to work out bush! Sharn started school with her cousin and on the first day she threw a wild tantrum. “I don’t want to go to school Aunty Doris. I want to stay with you!” She wailed with tears streaming down her cheeks. Sharn didn’t understand about school. Her concern was keeping people she loved in her life without them leaving or sending her away! She

Jaimewrenauthor.com 47 Rose’s Legacy remained a sad child missing her parents and I remained in my own purgatory unable to do anything! John made the long journey to Sydney, much to infrequently, in my opinion, but he did not have holidays accrued. When in Sydney, if John went to the pub for an hour or two, I cringed seeing our daughter’s trauma. Not to mention when he had to return to work, our daughter was inconsolable. Sharn got angry at Doris thinking they were keeping her from her father, but I knew differently. It was John’s choice and my choice that started this landslide for our daughter. I knew John loved our daughter and missed her but it was a long trip. Pleased to see her but it pained him to watch her torment. As he got in his car, he breathed a sigh of relief to get away from the heartbreak of Sharn’s suffering. I know he felt guilty about this too. The worst of it all was that life would have gotten better if I had just hung in there and not taken my life.

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Chapter 7 Visions kept creeping into my mind of what our life would have been like if I had not made that ultimate decision. I tried to block them. I didn’t want to confirm I had made a mistake that affected my husband and daughter so deeply. The visions became too powerful and overwhelmed me. I saw a different outcome for our family if I had not taken my life when I did and this haunts me. Our life together, beyond that fateful day was that I would have endured a month of suffering, living out bush with no transport. Then we returned to Sydney for Christmas and enjoyed catching up with family and friends and we saw our child happily opening her presents and playing with her cousins while Doris and I chatted about being mothers. We returned to the property in January I started taking John to work and went shopping for whatever Sharn needed for school after her enrolment. February came and I drove John to work and then Sharn to school for her first day, making sure to capture photos of the occasion. Once she settled in school and we had a routine established where I picked Sharn up after school, went home to prepare dinner and play with Sharn, then later I picked up John from Euabalong hotel, after he had a few beers. He grabbed a lift from a mate at work to the pub and I picked him up from there. We would arrive home by 6.00pm as a family and sit down together for dinner. It was more work for me but at least I had the car and had John home by dinner time each night. I became happy and Sharn was happy and talked about school and her new friends. John took the car to work on Saturdays and to the pub afterwards and stayed home Sundays, and we sometimes went for drives. I found myself a job in the school office and encouraged Sharn to spend recess and lunch with her friends and not seek me out. After being out at the property for six months we found a place in town to rent and life improved even more. Sharn and I made friends

Jaimewrenauthor.com 49 Rose’s Legacy and I could cope with this as I was no longer isolated. I didn’t need the car, living in town, so John drove it to work. However, my health deteriorated and my tuberculosis returned with a vengeance. I could no longer work but John hired someone to come in to get Sharn ready for school, prepare meals and do the housework and be there when Sharn came home. She was a nice lady but with my tuberculosis we could not interact closely as my disease was very contagious, but she stood at the door to talk to me and provided meals for me although I did not eat much and was wasting away. It was quite difficult to find someone who would work in that environment with a contagious disease. John and Sharn received vaccinations and had regular tests to ensure they were disease free. I was confined to bed rest like my mother had been, and Sharn became me when I was young. Sharn often sat in the doorway and we talked and she told me about her day. When I wasn’t particularly bad Sharn could come in and sit on the bed and we played games and she read to me with her stunted reading skills as she sounded out her syllables. She wrote me lovely notes in her big childish handwriting. We always had the window open for fresh air. Our dog Tiny stayed with me throughout the day while I wrote letters to my daughter for each birthday I would not be around for, until her 21st. John slept in another room because of the disease and came home by 6pm. After he put Sharn to bed he would sit at the end of my bed and we talked. How different and bearable life became in my visions. If only I had known what the future would bring. The extra time I had with them made all the difference, plus the way I died played an important part in how they handled my passing. The image showed how differently my daughter would have been, knowing first hand she was loved by me. If I only had known all this before. I should of, at least, have written letters to my daughter that would have helped her understand I loved her, like the visions showed.

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Before I took my life, when I wrote my note to the police and John, I contemplated writing one for Sharn, but what would I write? 'Dearest Sharn, I love you so very much and do not want to leave you, but mummy and daddy do not get on anymore so I have to leave and go to heaven. I could not take you away from daddy and live somewhere else because you would miss him too much. I am sure you will grow up into a beautiful strong girl and mummy will watch over you. Remember mummy will always love you.' No, I couldn’t write that. Sharn is too young to understand this. So, I did not write a letter to our daughter before I went to her to say goodbye. How I loved her and would miss her, if that is at all possible where I was going. I had no doubt John would return to Sydney, and Doris, his sister, and all his family, would help raise Sharn. How wrong I was! As I said goodbye to Sharn, my heart broke, contemplating not being there for her but hoped I could be with her in a better way from heaven. Whispering to our sleeping child, I told Sharn how sorry I was for leaving and how much I loved her. While Sharn continued to sleep, I gave her a lingering kiss on the forehead, then dragged myself away and left the room crying. That was the last time I saw our daughter as my mortal self. ☆ Sharn remained in Sydney attending kindergarten and John made the trip for her fifth birthday. Then my vision continued of Sharn’s birthday if I had stayed and we were happier after we got through the rough patch: Sharn woke early and ran to our bedside, before I became ill, “Mummy, Daddy, its my birthday!” “Yes, we know, Sweetheart.” Sharn hugged us both and I absorbed all her love.

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John had her present beside the bed and gave it to her while she was sitting between us. John opened the card I wrote and read it to her: “Dear Sharn, Happy 5th birthday Darling. You are growing so quickly, already at school with friends. May your day be special, our precious little one. We love you, Mummy and Daddy.” John handed her our present. “Happy birthday, Honey.” “What is it? You wrapped it funny, Daddy.” “It was hard to wrap.” He lifted his hands at the impossible task. Sharn ripped the paper off to uncover a stuffed bear. I delighted in seeing a broad smile spread across her tiny face as she hugged the stuffed toy to her. “Its beautiful Daddy, Mummy. Thank you.” “What are you going to call it?” I asked. Her brows lowered deep in thought then her eyes widened, “She looks like a Zara to me.” Sharn hugged her father squashing Zara between them, then me, giving me the same huge hug. Christmas that year was similar to Sharn’s birthday. We didn’t return to the city as I was too unwell but John and Sharn decorated a tree, and they wrapped presents to place under it. Christmas morning Sharn woke at sparrows-fart, as John would say, and raced around waking us from our slumber. Our housekeeper prepared us a lovely Christmas meal from the chook and ham John had won in raffles and brought over some of her Christmas pudding the day before. All John needed to do was heat up the meal. Sharn sat in my doorway colouring in, using her new crayons and reading to me from a new book until she tired herself out and had an afternoon nap.

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I passed away just before her 6th birthday, later than my suicide but everything was in order. In my vision, Sharn was old enough to remember our interactions and the many times I said I loved her and she knew it wasn’t my choice to leave. John and I did our best to try to prepare her for my passing. My death did not rest on John’s shoulders and he did not have to deal with his massive sense of guilt. John and Sharn were better able to deal with my death and move forward, but that is not what happened! That is only what would-of happened had I not intervened and decided my own end. If only I held out and was not so paranoid. ☆ When John was able to take another two weeks off work, he returned to Sydney and he, Sharn and his mother went to see his uncle at Tweed Heads. He used to run roller skating rinks before he retired. Vin took them around sight-seeing to Currumbin Bird Sanctuary, a dolphins aquarium and a water-skiing exhibition. It was a good holiday for Sharn being with her father. I love seeing her happy. Then came another tearful separation as John returned to work leaving Sharn behind. After a few months of working and visiting Sydney when he could, John received a call from Joe, his brother-in-law.

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Chapter 8 “We have tried our best, but Sharn is not coping without you. She is very unhappy plus it is hard on Doris with a baby to care for as well. You have to either come back to the city to work or take her out there with you! We have given you plenty of time to organise something, mate. She needs you!” “I understand, Joe and I appreciate all you and Doris have done. I will be back on the weekend.” The decision was made for John, but he still insisted on returning to his job in the country. I do not understand him. “Forget the money. Get another job in Sydney!” It would be easier, and better, if he returned to the city. He is being selfish and it frustrates the hell out of me, so to speak. John had not made any arrangements and took Sharn back to the quarry. It wasn’t ideal but at least she was with him again, I reasoned. Sharn’s childhood was turning out a bit like my own. Loss of one parent then living in the country. Sharn was content at the quarry knowing her father was nearby. They shared a room in a demountable building. John slept in the top bunk and they ate their meals in a separate building. The cook was very kind to our daughter and Sharn roamed around with the children of the Manager. One child was a girl slightly younger than Sharn. They did not go far, just following wide tracks behind the compound. Sharn was beginning to be happy which made me happy, but I was still unable to leave my in-between place and move into the light. A terrible storm came through. The children raced home for shelter thank goodness. I knew Sharn was safe. There was thunder and flashes of lightning streaked across the sky and speared the earth. A brief rain shower awakened the wildlife, but did not penetrate the ground's surface. Unknown to the little community, a single lightning strike lit embers and took hold of a dry tree trunk. Embers smouldered and spread to

Jaimewrenauthor.com 54 Rose’s Legacy branches. Dead leaves dropped in flames to the debris below and sparks jumped from tree to tree. The lion devoured all in its path, killing flora and fauna, after unbearable suffering, with no escape. The fire swept forward like a deafening tsunami, taking hold of surrounding fuel. The compound became a heated oasis, but not for long. Smoke descended, impairing vision. People breathed in the grey toxic cloud, choking on the acrid taste with each cloying breath. John scrambled and located our daughter in their room and hoisted her in his arms as he bolted to the pit for refuge along with the other workers. The destruction continued until the fire changed direction, looking for more to destroy. The tiny community huddled, isolated and alone, but safe. Their accommodation remained intact. Embers did not reach the buildings as they were within the confines of blue metal and the corrugated iron provided some protection. My belongings John kept for our daughter remained unharmed. When the fire passed, everyone climbed out of the pit and surveyed the damage. The buildings still stood but the surrounding bushland was charred and blackened. A single motor vehicle climbed from the pit to go seek help from the neighbouring town. The workers surveyed the damage and stayed on at the quarry in their accommodation while they restored what they could and let nature restore its own. Before school started John and Sharn moved. They went to live with his mate and wife, in the town where Sharn’s new school was, at Euabalong West. She liked going to the school with the daughter but did not like the mother who was mean to both girls, especially when she had her fill of alcohol. Sharn was unhappy there and left home! I understand why but I was fearful and frustrated as I was unable to force her to stop. I tried and tried to project my words through to stop her, with no luck.

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Chapter 9 Our five-year-old daughter was walking on her own on the isolated dirt road, heading to her father at the quarry seven miles away. The workings of our five-year-old daughter’s mind amazed me. Well, at least she was making a statement but I feared she could be kidnapped. I was frustrated I could not reach out to stop her. I cannot see into the future but only watch on, helpless, as events happen for my family. I had to be a spectator upon the whole scene for good or bad. Again, I berated myself for my decision to leave. John had just left for work. Sharn walked about a mile on the road parallel to the single railway line that went past the quarry and out to Broken Hill. A kind man came along the railway line on a hand car operated by a pump. I was relieved I could read his mind as he knew John and Sharn and was concerned about her being out there alone. He stopped. “Hello, young Sharn. You are a long way from home.” “I don’t like it there. I am going to daddy’s work. “I am going there too. Do you want a lift?” “You are going to my daddy’s work?” she confirmed. “Yes.” “Okay, thank you.” John was astounded when he was told our daughter was found walking along the deserted road. “My daughter is here? You found her walking this way? Thank God you found her mate and not someone else. Thank you.” What was she thinking! He mumbled as he raced to her. “Sharn, you did a very dangerous thing!” “Daddy I don’t like that lady; she is mean to us and I want to be with you.”

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“Honey you have to promise me you will NEVER do that again! Someone could have hurt you.” Sharn’s face scrunched and her bottom lip quivered as tears flowed. She looked at her feet at his stern words. “I’m sorry, Daddy.” “Now promise me.” John wagged his finger in her face. “I promise, Daddy.” Her face took on a raw sadness as her shouldered drooped. “I will see if we can move. Would you like that?” Sharn nodded and John hugged our daughter to him, fear emanated from his eyes and worry creased his brow. He made enquiries and found another family in Euabalong who offered to rent them a room and look after Sharn while John was working. The family had one boy and three girls, the youngest girl was about three years older than Sharn. John was partly there for Sharn, but he was also dealing with his guilt and grief over my death and drinking far to much. I wish he would cut back and spend more time with our daughter. That is what I wanted when I was alive, for him to spend more time with us and not drink so much. I understand now the drink has a hold over him. Our daughter changed homes and schools, another disruption to her life, but for the better. In Euabalong, our daughter transformed and blossomed into a happy child with the new family. Sharn’s memory improved once she was with her father again and she laughed and played like all children should. She was in infant school in the small town. The classroom had one teacher and housed three grades: kindergarten, first and second grade. Another building housed the remaining grades to sixth class. High school was in Lake Cargelligo, with a school bus running between the towns. There were four students in her grade and they became friends, and about ten pupils in the classroom.

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Outside, there was a row of water bubblers and a toilet block, plus benches to sit and eat lunch, and at least one peppercorn tree on the grounds. They had fresh milk out of a large milk can delivered every morning. The town consisted of a general store with a petrol bowser out the front. Just up from the store there was a telephone box outside of the combined Commonwealth Bank, Post Office agent and telephone operator. Across the road stood the only pub for at least seventeen miles. The population was around two hundred with a Cobar Shire compound including a tall water tank at its centre. The bulk of the housing was on a grid of four by two streets. At its centre was a small timber church on the same block as the school with a corrugated iron hall across the road. The town was located along the Lachlan River. The closest reasonably sized town was Lake Cargelligo followed by Condobolin in the Lachlan Shire, Central New South Wales. Sharn was shy around the new family at first, and usually sat on the step waiting for her father to come home from work. Eventually, she gravitated to the mother, whom she called Aunty May. Her Aunty May was an exceptional cook, and she often worked as a cook at shearing sheds, but not when Sharn was living there. ☆

I am amazed at the similarities in my own life and that of my daughter. I would never have wished my life on her but in a way had done just that. I was shy of my grandparents when my mother and I moved back to the city because I was young when we moved out bush. When I lived at Manilla with my mother and step father these times were happy for me, playing with my cousins, roaming the streets freely where everyone knew each other. When we moved to the city, I missed the freedom and the countryside, the smell of dirt in the air when it rained, watching the galahs eating seeds from the grass or playing on the overhead wires, and listening to the screech of cockatoos and the sound of galahs

Jaimewrenauthor.com 58 Rose’s Legacy and parrots which were plentiful. I especially enjoyed the sound of kookaburras laughing at me and I missed going down to the river with my friends. Spring was also my favourite time of year with fresh mornings and evenings and the smell of wood smoke in the air, fresh growth on trees, baby animals and an abundance of flowers in bloom. We drew hop scotch squares in the dirt or played skipping or elastics. We played hide and seek and card games like fish and concentration and pushed our prams with our dolls along the streets. We often went to the river bank to fish but I never entered the water unless adults were with us. My mother told me often enough it was dangerous without adults watching us. I loved animals from an early age and took injured wildlife home to mend or ask if I could keep strays. Our daughter thrived living with this family in the town, like I did. Sharn grew up listening to the older girls of the family playing their 60s records and she played with other children. There was plenty of play, especially making mud pies in a shell of a car in the yard and decorating them with peppercorn berries and leaves. The tree shaded the old car from the midday heat and kept flies away. There was a yearly gymkhana with sack races or races where two people would have one ankle each tied together with pantyhose and they ran in a race against others. Leg coordination was key, otherwise they fell. There were also horse races and plenty of food and a dance in the evening attended by adults and children. Football and cricket were the winter sports, played by the local boys and the town’s people were out cheering their team. The tooth fairy came and Santa. The kids made stilts with string and Sunshine Milk tins and played jacks with knuckles from pigs. They played marbles, skipping and drew hop scotch squares in the dirt. Our daughter was intrigued by an old derelict house just on the outskirts of town, heading toward the cemetery with its dilapidated timber construction, an old water tank lying on its side along with sheets of corrugated iron which were once the roof cladding.

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The brick chimney still stood, rising above the disintegrating timber walls. She always wanted to go inside but was warned against it because of its state of disrepair and the possibility of snakes. “Why doesn't anyone live there anymore?” Sharn asked her friend. “I don't know, it has been empty for a long time.” “I wonder what the people were like who lived there, if there was a family with children or an old couple with grandchildren?” “We could ask older people if they know.” “Like who?” “I don't know yet, I have to think about it.” “Can we go in and have a look?” “No, Sharn we must never go in. It is falling down and too dangerous and there might be snakes and spiders. Promise you will never go in.” The other kids warned. “I promise.” Sharn’s lips sagged into a frown of disappointment as they continued walking. It didn't stop her dreaming about the secrets and stories the house held of the family who may have lived there years ago. This sparked her interest in old run-down houses, at an early age. Whenever she saw an old neglected house, her eyes widened as her imagination kicked in. Country living was not for everyone. It was a harsh environment with extreme weather. There were frosts in winter and freezing winds and searing dry heat in summer with hundreds of flies, and at times, there were plagues of mice or locusts. The kids, mostly the boys, went trapping rabbits, getting money for their pelts and there were mushrooms to be picked. Livestock were grazed in Commons if not on private properties and townspeople usually had their own chooks with fresh eggs. The houses were mostly fibro with tin rooves and an outhouse with a bench over a pit toilet. There were footpaths, laneways and one asphalt road in front of the shop and hotel and plenty of burrs.

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Sharn went to Sunday school and concentrated intently when colouring pictures of Jesus and other bible characters with her tongue between her teeth, just like her father did. Sharn paid avid attention when stories were told of heaven because that was where I was, (almost). There were times her father drove them to Booberoi weir for swimming and a picnic. The car ride was hot and dusty with all the windows wound down for natural air conditioning. Sharn walked to the local swimming hole with other kids and roamed the countryside, mainly from town to the Big Hole, a bend in the Lachlan River, to the showground and tip and to the cemetery, which was a reasonable distance for kids, maybe three miles radius. Cathead burrs, also known as Caltrops, were painful and a nuisance, especially if tracked into the house and trod on. They didn’t go anywhere barefooted. Sharn learnt to ride a push bike the hard way by being pushed along by someone running and when her steering was straight, they let go. Sharn tried to continue but when momentum slowed, trying to pedal and steer at the same time, she fell off in nasty clumps of burrs. No training wheels for my daughter. I was proud of her efforts and eventually she did manage to stay upright pedalling and steering herself. When it was hot Sharn walked with her friends to the Big Hole to escape the sweltering heat of the sun's rays, while brushing at flies trying to invade her personal space. The kids watched their step, avoiding treading on the painful three-pronged cathead burrs, hidden in the fernlike leaves spreading rampant along the ground. Not even the cushion of rubber can protect from their pin like penetration of skin. They cross the asphalt road, with its shimmering and trembling waves of air rising, contorting the barren landscape beyond. Their thongs wanted to imbed themselves in the steaming surface.

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As they neared the bend in the Lachlan River, they call the Big Hole, a cool breeze met the heat of the dusty track. A willy-willy circles in the distance as a lone crow let out a soulful aaaarrrrrkkkkkk, and finches fluttered and twittered in the scrubs nearby. The majestic, aged river red gum spread its shallow roots to greet them and provided welcome shade, with its canopy of boomerang shaped leaves in grey-green hues. A rope hung from its branch for the kids to swing off. Sharn slid down the clay bank before plunging into the murky brown sediment leeched from fertile soil. She breathed a contented sign as the fresh water was cool and refreshing upon her over heated skin. It was shallow where she stood and she ventured no further. The other kids climb the tree and swung on the rope and plunged into the depths beyond. Sharn was told the depth of the Big Hole was a mystery and she wondered what lurked deep down. She was happy cooling off in its shallows as others frolicked further afield. Refreshed they left the oasis of cool and return to the stifling streets and flies and headed to the pub where the adults gathered, quenching their thirst. Sharn found her father and was content to know he was nearby. He gave her twenty cents and she went to the shop across the road to buy a large bag of lollies to share with her friend, in the shade of the peppercorn trees lining the front of the hotel. ☆ Sharn enjoyed her sixth birthday but did not have a letter from me which would have made her feel loved and remembered by her mother. On the June long weekend, there was cracker night and Sharn’s birthday was celebrated with one of the girls in the family. A big bonfire was built in the yard and many colourfully decorated fireworks were set off. Everyone enjoyed watching the colourful display and the kids usually had a sparkler each. The next morning, walking on the grass which was crisp with ice from frost, the kids looked for crackers that did not go off the night before.

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In July 1969 the world watched news of the moon landing. Sharn sat in front of the black and white television with everyone else as she watched the first ever man to walk on the moon. John and Sharn returned to Sydney, either by road or air when they had holidays, mostly Christmas. Sharn got travel sick because her father smoked, even on the plane and the hostess gave her a paper bag (she should have had one for the car too!). I wish I did things differently but I am happy Sharn has had this time in her life, even though I am not there. She will cherish it as fond memories of just being a child. I was content as I watched our daughter have fun with other children and she loved her Aunty May, living with this family and having her father around, but I could see my husband was still struggling with my death and his guilt. At times Chief nudged me to move on. I thought about moving into the light but knew our daughter needed healing from the trauma’s we, her parents, created for her. I still am not strong enough to provide the healing she needs. When the quarry closed operations, John finally moved to Sydney with Sharn. This is what I wanted in the beginning but maybe not now as Sharn was settled and happy. This move was another major change but I wonder if Sharn would have been happier if they remained living in the country and not returned to the city. Somehow, I think she would have been better off.

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Chapter 9 In Sydney they lived at John's childhood home in Rosehill with his mother and youngest brother, Ken. Sharn joined her cousins at a Catholic school on the grounds of the church where John and I were married. John's childhood home was an old brick house with a tin roof. It had an outdoor toilet. To have a shower or bath, a contraption in the bathroom had to be lit for hot water. The shed had a prominent lean with a choko vine growing on it. John’s mother had a small veggie garden with rhubarb at the back and the clothesline was strung across the yard, propped up by posts. The washing was done in a ringer washing machine and they shared the driveway with the house next door. John found work and even though Sharn was leaving friends behind she now had extended family. Their first Christmas in the city was spent with family. They went to midnight Mass on Christmas eve and opened presents the next morning together. Sharn’s Aunty May came to visit from the country and Sharn ran to her, pleased to see her again. When my birthday came around John took Sharn to place flowers at my grave even though a rose bush grew above my ashes. When Sharn went to bed each night, she knelt by her bed and said her prayers being sure to include me. Sharn's grandmother plaited her hair, which they left long. This would be done at the kitchen sink, and Sharn yelped in pain when her grandmother pulled her hair too tight. No nit could penetrate those tightly woven plaits. Sharn went to school with her cousins and returned home to their place of an afternoon to await her father's return from work when he would pick her up. Meanwhile she did her homework and played. I watched our daughter and read her thoughts. She was envious of normal families and wondered what it was like to have both mother, father, and siblings. The children

Jaimewrenauthor.com 64 Rose’s Legacy interacted with both their parents and had love/hate relationship with each other, but if anyone crossed one of them, the others banded together in support of their sibling. Both Sharn and I had never had this type of family. Sharn briskly walked to her cousin's home before school with the household frantically getting ready to leave for the day. The children lined up at the kitchen sink to have their hair done and their brown paper lunch bags lined up on the bench with their names on them. Many a hairbrush was broken by that sink as a quick hit settled a disruptive child. Sharn walked into the open front door as her cousin, Tony, raced across the hallway, limping with one shoe and sock on and the other foot bare. “Sharn, stop Rocky, quick, before he gets out the door! He has my sock.” She dropped her school case and snagged the collar of the dog, halting him in his tracks and kicked the door closed behind her, preventing his escape. “Thank you Sharn, I didn't fancy chasing him down the street.” Tony released the sock from the dog's jaw, with its tail wagging, enjoying his game. She walked through the house to the kitchen and kissed her Aunty Doris hello while everyone greeted her. “Tony, get in here now, or you will be late for school!" Her aunty called. “I will be there in a minute,” He was tying his shoelaces. The older four cousins were packing their lunches into their bags and heading out the door for high school each calling goodbye as they left. “Ow Mum,” Sharn heard her younger cousin, Sarah, say to her mother, “that hurts.” “Plaits have to be tight, stop moving till I am finished. We can always cut your hair short if you don't like plaits,” her mother threatened. “No, Mum I want long hair like my friends.”

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A couple of minutes later Sarah was done and packed her lunch in her bag and it was Tony's turn at the sink. Sharn sat at the table quietly observing the family dynamics. “Tony, have you brushed your teeth yet?” “Yes Mum.” “Well, what is this all around your mouth?” She spat on her hanky and vigorously scrubbed his face. “Mum, ow!” “Vegemite! I hope you cleaned your teeth better than your face, give me a look.” Tony gave his mother a big smile to show his teeth as she inspected them. Satisfied she placed the comb under the faucet and ran it through his hair. Job done. “Off you all go. Has everyone got their lunch? Whose is this? Tony, here put your lunch in your bag.” Tony opened his bag for his lunch then Sharn joined the younger ones to say goodbye and walk to school. This was a morning routine our daughter enjoyed. Following their day at school they walked home together. On their arrival they greeted Sharn’s aunty at the door, went to get changed and get their glass of cordial and biscuits waiting for them on the kitchen counter. If the day was sunny, they went out back to play before coming back to do homework have dinner and baths. The younger ones, one after the other, in the same tub of water. Or rainy days they took off their raincoats on the front verandah, changed and had their cordial and two biscuits and watched television before homework, or after. These were fond memories our daughter aspired to with her own family, one day. When Joe returned later in the afternoon the family sat down for dinner at 6.30pm and sometimes Sharn was there for dinner. Their mum and dad at each end of the table and the kids on two long bench seats either side. Sharn was shy by nature but her cousins made her laugh till she cried. Then the children, on wash and drying duty that day, complained but nevertheless did what they were told.

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Sharn was notorious for going barefoot and often trod on bees and she was a team member in their backyard football or soccer games. The entire family piled into their station wagon to go to soccer games of a weekend, including Sharn, at times. All the kids, filling the seats and the back of the wagon. This is what Sharn wanted her family to be like. She wanted to be home to see her children off to school and be there when they returned and greet her husband after a day at work with everyone sitting down together for dinner of an evening. That was exactly what I wanted and it was my main goal in life as well as my daughter’s. I hope it works out for her. ☆ John’s siblings and their families gathered at John’s mother’s house and our daughter played hide and seek or other games outside with her cousins into the early evening. As the sun went down and night descended, they finally returned inside, hot and sweaty, ready for baths and bed. She wasn’t as shy around her cousins and friends as she was around people she just met. Sharn still cried if her father was going out, and she was happiest sitting in the car outside the pub, in view of her father, day or night. He brought out a soft drink and she read comic books in the day with the windows down or slept on the back seat in the night, in the carpark, with the doors locked. Our daughter was reasonably happy at her grandmothers but not as happy as when she lived with her Aunty May in the country. Sharn made her first communion at Sunday Mass when her grandmother was ill. She was on her own as she was too late returning to Sydney to join the class event. Her grandmother got out of her sickbed to go to Sharn's first communion. This was the last time they took photos of her grandmother before she died. The night her grandmother died John sent Sharn to stay at her cousins. “Do I have to go Daddy?”

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“Yes, Honey, Grandma is very ill and all my brothers and sisters will be here. I will take you to give her a kiss goodbye, as she may go to heaven tonight.” “I don’t want her to leave, Daddy.” “I don’t either Honey, but we don’t have a say in it. Sharn cried while John held her tight then took her around the corner to stay with her cousins. His mother died that night and the next morning the adults told their children and John took Sharn out the back to tell her. Again, she cried as John held her. The children went to the funeral Mass at the Church where their school was and then went back to class. Another loved one lost for our daughter and another change about to happen.

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Isolation Chapter 10 When her grandmother died, our daughter’s life became lonely when they moved into a unit. Sharn was in 3rd class at the time. Sharn's tear duct problem continued, and she got teased about it at school. It is like having sleep in your eye any time of day. She pulled out many an eyelash, trying to open her eyes of a morning. Her father had the same when he was young, he told me. Sharn also had sties grow on her eyelids, like her father, which needed to be bathed in salty warm water. She was very self-conscious and embarrassed of these issues like I was about my shorter arm. I had a fall when I was very young which stunted my arm’s growth. Not by much, but noticeable.

When John and Sharn first moved into the unit she wasn't allowed to do things which John considered might be dangerous, like having a shower where she could slip with no-one home, or cooking which could start a fire or using the old ringer washing machine. Sharn’s confidence faltered because her father did not allow her to do things in his bid to keep her safe with his over protectiveness. So Sharn had low confidence and self-esteem, still wondering why those she loved left and she baulked at doing things as she believed her father did not have confidence in her and she questioned herself. Similar to myself. With their move to the unit, Sharn lost the young carefree outlook she had when they lived in the country. I noticed our daughter struggle with learning, plus her lack of confidence and shyness. Sharn was always shy but the other problems were caused by the trauma her father and I caused her. I wanted to tell our daughter she could do anything she set her heart to. But I couldn’t. I was trapped between worlds where our daughter could not hear

Jaimewrenauthor.com 69 Rose’s Legacy me. Then I thought of the letters I should have written for Sharn’s birthdays and how I could have helped give her confidence through them. Life had dealt some heavy blows for our daughter and I, (partly my fault) and they influenced our confidence, thoughts and beliefs. I was high-strung and very nervous and anxious. I was overly controlled within myself and worried about what I could not control, and I could not relax well. I always worried about things instead of trying to enjoy myself. My self-esteem was very low, and I worried about what people thought. Understandable considering my life but I did not want my daughter to go through the same.

Sharn and John settled into a routine. John made their lunches and they sat down for breakfast together, listening to Sammy sparrow on the radio, then John left for work and Sharn left for school an hour later. She became a latchkey kid. Of an afternoon she returned home and did her homework in front of the television, watching Bewitched and Gilligan's Island and other half-hour shows before her father joined her and cooked dinner. She cleaned up after the meal and they settled in front of the television for an hour or two. Then John put her in this situation that resurrected her fears of losing him. Sharn was still in primary school when John had to go away to work for a month. She did not like to be separated from him, fearing he would not return. John arranged for Sharn’s Aunty May from the country to stay with her for the month and take care of her in his absence and he constantly reassured his daughter he will return. “Daddy I don't want you to leave me.” “It is only for a month, Sweetheart, and I promise to be home as soon as I can.” “Can I come with you?”

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“No, Honey, I will be working and I can't take you to work and you would be on your own, plus you have school. Aunty May is coming to stay with you and you will have fun. Time will pass quickly.” “Promise you will come home as soon as you can.” “Yes, I promise.” “I will miss you, Daddy.” “I will miss you too, Possum,” John said as he hugged her. They did not have a telephone and it was unlikely John would be in touch in his absence. The day arrived when John was to leave. May was there and John’s suitcase was packed. Then it was time to say goodbye to his daughter. Sharn ran to him. “I will miss you Daddy, please come home soon.” “As soon as I can, Possum, you be good for Aunty May.” “I will, Daddy,” she said as May extracted her from embracing her father. Sharn stood small and forlorn next to her Aunty, waving to her father as he walked out the door. It broke John’s heart seeing our daughter distressed and unhappy. Sharn, moped around, sadness emanating from her being in her father’s absence. The days passed slowly but with school and her Aunty as company and her beautiful cooking Sharn managed. Her Aunty May often did things with Sharn to distract her from thinking about her father. They cooked together with Sharn licking the bowl after cake batter was mixed and poured into oven tins, and she taught Sharn to knit and sew rose buds on fabric. Two weeks after John left, they received a postcard from Monkey Mia, in Western Australia. John wrote: “Work is progressing on schedule. The weather is very hot during the day and we work of a night. On the weekend I went to Monkey Mia to see the dolphins. Be home in no time.”

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It was three weeks into the four weeks that John was away when, one night Sharn and her Aunty May, were out at May’s daughter’s home. “Aunty May, I want to go home.” “We will go soon.” “Can we go now? Dad is home.” “No, Love, your Dad isn't due to get home for another week.” Sharn still believed her father was home and asked again later. She fidgeted restlessly with her shirt hem, picking at it anxious to go home, until May brushed her hand away from the garment. Sharn loved her Aunty May, she was like a mother to Sharn, in my absence. “Can we go home now Aunty May?” “Yes, Okay but I don't see the rush.” “I want to see Dad.” “Well don't be disappointed if he is not there as he is not due back for another week.” Sharn remained quiet and rushed to walk home to see her father. When they arrived, the unit was in darkness, about 10pm on a Friday night and Sharn let out a sigh of disappointment, fearing her father was not home, as she believed. They climbed the stairs to the third story unit, her Rapunzel castle as she thought of it, although she wasn't a prisoner. She waited, wringing her hands as May opened the door then went inside turning on the kitchen light then heading through the unit to her father's bedroom. She turned on the bathroom light, next door to the bedroom and saw a lump in her father's single bed. An ear-splitting squeal erupted and a broad smile crossed her face as she ran to the bedside and shook her father awake, if the squeal hadn't worked. “Dad you are home, I knew you were!” Her father rolled over and sat up to give his daughter a hug. She wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight cuddle.

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May came into the room behind her. “Sharn kept telling me you were home but I didn't believe her.” “I finished my job in advance and flew home as soon as I could, but I am tired.” “Have you had something to eat, John? I can make you something.” “That will be good, thank you.” “Give your father some space, Sharn.” She took her from the room to the kitchen and John joined them shortly afterwards. “I have a couple of souvenirs for you Sharn.” He handed them to her. There was a picture postcard book of Western Australia, a tea towel, pen and a dolphin in a dome of water with colourful coral. He said the dolphin was from Monkey Mia where he visited while away. He told them about his trip and because of the heat they worked during the night and slept by day and the time difference was three hours behind. “Were you well behaved for May, Sharn?” “Yes, Dad.” “We had fun, didn’t we Sharn?” Sharn chatted happily, telling her father everything. She was a much happier child with her father around. May returned home a few day later leaving father and daughter to themselves. ☆ . Christmas mornings John and Sharn opened their presents. Usually, Sharn made her father something at school. It was Christmas morning 1974, John turned the television on and they watching the devastation in Darwin from Cyclone Tracey. Houses were flattened, streets littered with debris and many people displaced following the category 3 hurricane and category 4 severe tropical cyclone with winds reaching 205

Jaimewrenauthor.com 73 Rose’s Legacy km/hr, that initially passed the city then returned sweeping through the city causing widespread destruction. They went to Mass on Christmas morning then headed out to spend the day at her Aunty Anne’s home for lunch and Doris’ for dinner. It was a sweltering day followed by an afternoon thunderstorm. That was a typical Christmas day in Australia. They followed the news on Darwin and the city was evacuated and many citizens left for good and others returned to rebuild. Construction standards were improved to withstand cyclonic conditions.

Sharn’s birthdays were uneventful in the city and again I wish I had written her letters. Sharn’s 7th birthday was approaching and I saw a vision, if I had written her a letter. The sky was cloud free and blue as Sharn woke. She threw back the covers and ran to her father's bedside, shaking him awake. “Good morning, possum, what has you up so early?” John asked innocently. “Daddy, it’s my birthday!” “Is it, are you sure?” “Yes, Dad.” Happy birthday sweetheart.” John hugged our daughter. She sat on the bed as John rummaged under his pillow for my letter, she was waiting for him to read. She didn't remember what was written in her previous three letters at that moment, but kept them in a special box her father crafted for her to keep the letters and keepsakes in and she frequently took the letters out to read them. He read her letter to her as she snuggled next to him, another ritual of many they developed (If I had left in a better way).

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“Dear Sharn, my darling daughter, by now you will be getting tall and have many friends at school. You will be in third class! You are growing up fast. Mummy and Daddy love you very much, remember that. I love you. Mummy.” John then gave her one of her birthday presents, from Mummy and Daddy, and they had breakfast before going to work and school. This year he gave her a signet ring with her initials engraved on it. In the afternoon he arranged for his sister to throw a birthday party for Sharn and he took her there after work, for the evening. But that isn’t what happened. There was no letter, but he did give her a present in the morning and brought a cake home that evening. ☆

In third class, a new girl came to Sharn’s school, also from the country. Sharn went to her birthday party and John was late picking her up and that was when the girls became best friends. Her friend stayed over at Sharn's home, but Sharn did not stay at her friend's place as she told her friend she always wanted to be with her father. The girls often looked through Sharn's favourite book of fairy tales with happily ever after endings and lovely illustrations. They played games such as Trouble or KerPlunk and board games. John took the girls fishing at Berowra. John also took our daughter and Anne to a Disney on Ice show and Jesus Christ Superstar. The girls watched the stage mesmerised by all the colour and activity before them and my heart swelled with pride and joy watching our daughter's delight. The girls had guitar lessons after school, so they could play at school Mass on Fridays. Sharn dreaded being asked to do any readings up at the pulpit in front of

Jaimewrenauthor.com 75 Rose’s Legacy everyone as she wasn't a good reader. The first thing she saved her pocket money for was a small steel string guitar for $10. Our little girl was growing up. Sharn enjoyed school and made a few special friends, including a childhood sweetheart, Tom and Anne her best friend. She absorbed her lessons, especially religion, taught by a lovely nun. Because of my death she was interested in heaven. The school was next door to a Catholic Church so she often went in to pray or talk to me. There was a special atmosphere within the Church, one of peace. John took Sharn to meet his Irish mate, Pat and his wife, Katie, from Ireland, and Sharn spent many happy times with Katie while the men went to the pub. After Pat was retrenched, he and his wife moved interstate and John took Sharn on holidays to visit them. Once they travelled there in a combi van and once on the Indian Pacific train, but Sharn could not share a room with John on the train which distressed her as she had to share with a lady she did not know. They had a pleasant time exploring the South Australian peninsular and visited Port Lincoln, Quorn and Woomera while staying with their friends in Whyalla, where they settled. They were nice people and our daughter cared for them. They also spent time with John’s family and her many cousins and there was the annual family get together at different parks. One place was called Prospect where the families gathered for picnics and the children raced up a hill with their pieces of cardboard then rode the cardboard down the hill only to return for another go until exhausted. Sharn’s face was alight with excitement and her cheeks red from exertion. The adults sat together and watched or looked after littler children and prepared the picnic lunch, refereed disputes and found time to socialise. Friday nights were fish and chips night, a carry on from not eating meat throughout the period of Lent. John being Catholic. I was Protestant but promised to raise our children Catholic when we married.

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John brought home the hot aromatic bundle wrapped in newspaper, permeating with the smell of the fish and chips and real potato scallops, plus a freshly baked tank loaf from the bakery which John sliced and lathered with butter. Sharn tucked into her food, not like me, I barely ate. She loved the tradition of Friday fish and chips and fresh bread and butter. Saturday mornings John worked and Sharn went to tennis lessons and John took her to a local park to practice. He took her to Little Athletics one evening a week after school, extending into early evening and cheered Sharn on in her events and she proudly glued her place stickers in her blue book when she got home. She came third in high jump in a combined competition as John proudly watched on. She hung her ribbon on her wardrobe. Our daughter made us proud parents but I couldn’t tell her. Well, I could but she could not hear me. My aura brightened when I saw Sharn happy with John spending time with her. He also helped her with school projects. John was a good father but he made some serious mistakes also, but I can’t talk, I left her for good! He accompanied Sharn to parent teacher nights and 'sex education' night at her primary school and he took her to church every Sunday morning. I chuckled at the talk my grandmother had with me and how uncomfortable my grandmother was, being from England and a family that did not speak openly about problems and God forbid, sex. She sat me down for 'the talk' and gave me items I would need to wear. I noticed changes in my body as I grew into a young woman and my aunties took me shopping for my first bra. With these hormonal changes, I seemed to become moodier and even more anxious. Sharn’s Aunty Anne tried to explain the birds and bees to Sharn but Sharn just wanted to go outside and play, not at all interested. Then when Sharn started her monthlies, she had to go to her father.

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I felt for John with the awkwardness of sharing these private female things. I let our daughter down. Sharn became moodier with her hormonal changes but unlike me Sharn became a bit pudgy but soon grew out of it. There were so many things I missed out on with our daughter and so many times I could have helped her. Sundays, father and daughter attended Church, where I saw our daughter glance back to where her sweetheart, Tom sat with his parents. They never talked after Church, with their parents around. Sharn still knew what she wanted from life. While her friends wanted to be firewomen, nurses and career women, she wanted to be a wife and mother. From a young age our daughter wanted a prince charming to sweep her off her feet when she was older, to be in love, marry and have a family, like normal families with a mother, father and children. Like what I wanted. Sharn was a romantic at heart and loved happy ever after endings, like myself. Her favourite book was a book of fairy tales her father gave her with colourful pictures accompanying the happy ever after stories which she read on her own and with her best friend, Anne. In winter John took Sharn and her best friend, Anne, on organised bus trips to the snow. He filmed them having lessons and trying to ski, unable to stop until ploughing into groups of people who were incapable of moving in time, in their heavy boots or cumbersome skis attached to their feet. They tried tobogganing down a hill unable to navigate, or stop, their building forward momentum propelled them into a hole or more people, a bit like ten pin bowling. At times John stopped filming in case they were hurt only to resume as they picked themselves up or out of a hole, or apologising to people they had bowled over. Sharn's best friend went back out bush in sixth grade and they stayed in touch by writing letters.

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I remember the lifelong friends I had made too. I made three friends while at the sanatorium and one through work. There were two girls my own age who had come in for treatment at different times, and I formed a lasting friendship with them. When they left, much sooner than I could, we kept in contact by writing letters. I spent a lot of time writing letters to my friends and family in Sydney and in the country. My grandparents kept me supplied with writing paper, envelopes and stamps. The stamps had a picture of the pretty, young Queen Elizabeth II on them. The glue on the back did not taste very good when I licked them to place on the envelope. The office would often see letters from me being placed by staff, or by myself, in the "out" tray for posting with their other mail and I waited for the mail delivery each day hoping I would receive a letter in return. Sharn was a letter writer too, she wrote to friends and her great uncle in Tweed Heads. One birthday John gave Sharn a diary and I always read over her shoulder when she wrote. I already knew what she thought and did but still I read what she wrote. At times Sharn questioned why I left and didn’t I love her. This broke my heart. She is always fearful something might happen to her father or he will leave her if she is bad. She was never totally content unless her father was nearby. She relied heavily on him as a child and for her emotional happiness.

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Chapter 11 John arrived at 6 pm when the pub closed and Sharn ran downstairs to greet him, then he stayed home for the night, at first. John did not drink at home and he never stayed out all night. However, there were many times he went to a second hotel at 6 pm and arrive home late. Sharn sat at the window waiting for John to come home at the time he said he would, and he was always much later. She sat at the window in the dark, waiting and crying. I cried with our daughter at these times. She would give up and then go to bed. Our daughter laid awake of a night, fearful, cocking her head at the slightest sound. Eventually she became accustomed to the noises and went to sleep. John checked on her when he finally got home. Sharn was sick of being disappointed and upset and made a decision. A decision not to trust! This will influence the rest of her life! She decided not trust what time John said he would come home and not to rely on what he said. That way he would not disappoint her. It was self-preservation, saving her from being hurt. I knew this was a turning point for our daughter when she stopped trusting. This will cause her massive stumbling blocks in her future relationships and again I am unable to help. I am not even there for her to focus on instead of her father. In later years, this translates into 'do not trust or rely on men'. I recall, at the sanatorium, Sunday visitors arrived at visiting times from 2 pm to 4 pm. I tried not to get too excited as I never knew who, or if anyone would come to see me from week to week. It was mostly my Nan and Pop, Aunty Mavis, or Lucy who visited me. I waited anxiously for people and remember how deflated I felt if they did not come to visit me and I feel for our daughter as she sits at the window crying for her father to return home when he said he would. I was angry (if that is possible here) at John for doing the same to his daughter as he did to me. I waited for hours for my husband to

Jaimewrenauthor.com 80 Rose’s Legacy return home as I was lonely for adult company and his company. Yes, I was emotionally dependent on him also. When her friend, Anne left the city, Sharn lived a lonely life at the unit during her teenage years. Our little girl was about to start high school. Not all Sharn’s friends went to the same high school after year 6, and the boys moved on after year 4, including Tom, her sweetheart. I stood tall as I watched my husband take our daughter on the train for her first day of high school a few suburbs away. John enrolled her in a Catholic all-girls school, next door to a Catholic all boys school, where her sweetheart attended. I didn’t know if a girl’s school would prepare Sharn for the real world of men and women as it was more of a protected environment, good for the study aspect with less distractions. The morning I was supposed to start high school, I was packing my bag to go to the Sanatorium. I had no idea what would happen and would know no-one. My whole body was trembling as my grandmother helped me pack a small bag with night dresses, underwear, a dressing gown, slippers and three sets of day clothes. I took my bible, hairbrush and toothbrush and carried my golly doll for comfort. I went out the back to say goodbye to pop’s old dog. My finger nails were already short, but I continued to gnaw at them in fear and anxiety of the unknown. Shy and awkward around groups and people she did not know, Sharn had a similar time adjusting to a new school when they returned from the country when she was younger. High school was worse though because there were many more girls and she gravitated to the girls she knew. They were in a higher class than Sharn, as Sharn wasn’t as smart, but she wasn’t in the lowest category either and she met up with them during lunch and other breaks. Our daughter paid attention in class but she was an average student and needed to study. She always did her homework, seeming to enjoy it, and

Jaimewrenauthor.com 81 Rose’s Legacy assignments. Sharn made new friends too, especially Mandy who became her new best friend and Sharn still wrote to her primary school best friend, Anne, who moved to Queensland. I was terrified my first day at high school, although it was brief, between sanatorium stays, when I was supposedly healed and settled in with my grandparents. They enrolled me in a local high school and I attended classes, but I could not exert myself. High school was more daunting than primary as there were a lot more students in each form. This set off my anxiety, and I was very nervous. I hated walking into the school as people focussed on me as an unknown student and I tried to cover my shorter arm. I did not know anyone. When I joined my class, I was relieved to see two girls I had met in primary school which made me let go of the breath I was holding. Especially when they smiled at me. This was short lived before I had to return to the sanatorium. Sharn took on more responsibilities at home and learnt to cook and iron, clean and other chores and spent weekends with Mandy, sometimes at the pool or roller-skating. I liked it most when she was just being a teenager having fun. Sharn met up with her primary school sweetheart again. It was a very cute relationship when they were younger. As a teenager, she was blossoming into a young woman and met Tom on the train on the way to school and they walked to and from the station and caught the train back to Parramatta where she sat with him while he sold newspapers in a busy location before going home where she did her homework and cooked dinner. John did not allow her to date until after she finished school and didn't want her to work until then either so she could concentrate on her studies. Our little girl was growing up. I would have agreed with his decisions in that regard. During school holidays, if John did not take Sharn away, she spent time with her friends, and at times, with Tom. I went with them and knew it was all harmless, not that I

Jaimewrenauthor.com 82 Rose’s Legacy could do anything about it, if things changed! They rode their skateboards at a nearby school grounds or sat talking or caught the train to the beach. In January1977, during school holidays, the Granville train disaster occurred, very close to their home. It was a sunny summer morning and Sharn was woken by a horrific BOOM and looked out the third-floor window toward where the Bold Street bridge used to stand. There was now a gap. She turned on the television and it was revealed a crowded peak hour Blue Mountains commuter train derailed and hit a stanchion of the Bold Street bridge, causing it to collapse, pinning two carriages full of people under the heavy concrete. Rescue efforts ensued and sirens blared and distant sounds of machinery could be heard. There were people lining the street on either side looking down into the cavity of where the bridge once stood. The news provided scenes from down below and the number of deceased amounted to eighty-three. John returned home that evening. “Did you see the news Dad?” “Some, but machinery from work was provided to help with rescue and clean-up.” “Did you go there?” “No, they had enough services involved, anyone else might just get in the way.” (She later watched the movie Day of the Roses which depicted the heroic rescue efforts, passengers and the effects the tragedy had on them and the poor compensation received by victims following the incident.) In August that year, she was at school when she heard her movie and singing idol, Elvis Presley, died at the age of forty-two. My daughter always watched his movies of a weekend or holidays on her own. Sharn spent a lot of time alone. As a teenager she returned home from school, cooked dinner and ate on her own, and if she wasn’t with friends on a weekend, she was home watching movies and did a lot of drawing to fill in the lonely hours. She usually

Jaimewrenauthor.com 83 Rose’s Legacy went to bed at 8.30 pm because her days were too long spent on her own. Sharn liked to draw. I liked writing poetry. When John joined a bowling club and social bowling club, he became an active member of the clubs and stayed out late of a night with his extra responsibilities. John made a conscious decision to spend more time out as Sharn was very emotionally dependent on him, as I was, and he wanted her to become more independent and not be like me. Poor Sharn. They did not get a telephone for a long time, probably in Sharn's late teens, and she was very isolated. All I wanted to do was sit with my daughter and talk so she wouldn’t be so lonely.

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Chapter 12 Our daughter left school in Year 10, then trained for office work, including typing on a manual typewriter and shorthand, taking after me. This was 1980, at the local Technical College (TAFE). During her year at TAFE, she spent time with a friend, from the same high school, Maree. The girls began going on double dates as they were seeing two mates at the time. Sharn often stayed over with Maree after a night out and they spent most weekends together during their TAFE year. Sharn had shifted her focus from her father hoping she could find love she desperately craved, elsewhere. She could now stay overnight away from John. I am concerned for our daughter and her search for love that John and I did not provide properly. Sharn’s eighteenth birthday was approaching but she didn’t have anything planned. Not like my 18th. It was the first memorable birthday of my life. My Nan and Pop let me have a sleepover with my friends. We went to the movies, played records and talked and laughed into the night. It was the first time I felt like a normal teenager. In my vision I saw my daughter that morning. She went into her father's room, following her normal ritual in my visions. “Good morning, happy birthday, sweetheart.” “Thank you, Dad.” She hugged and kissed John then sat on the bed expectantly. “Are you ready for your Mum's letter?” “Yes, Dad, of course.” “Okay." He produced my letter from under the pillow and read it to her. “Dear Sharn,

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Eighteen! Wow you are grown and out of school by now and might have your driver’s licence. We are very proud of you. I met your father when I was eighteen. What a wonderful time of life. This is my last yearly letter and I have one more for you and that is for when you turn 21, another very special day. Enjoy your eighteenth our precious daughter. I love you. Mum" John handed his daughter the letter which she reread and folded as she wiped glistening tears from her eyes. Sharn would have treasured these letters if I had written them and she would have been secure in the knowledge I loved her. When she unwrapped John’s present, she found a jewellery box and inside was a necklace with a heart shaped locket with a photo of the two of us. Sharn looked at the photo seeing her likeness to both parents, like her father in colouring but she had my petite frame and clear complexion except Sharn had freckles across her nose. I studied our daughter as she gazed at the locket. She had grown into a beautiful woman. She looked like me and her father. At times her mannerisms were exactly the same as mine and I knew John saw that also. John wanted Sharn to get her license. “I don’t want to Dad, I am scared.” “What would happen if I became sick and needed to go to the hospital? I can take you out for some lessons to start with if you want.” That made Sharn think more about it and eventually agreed. John taught our daughter to drive his manual car until she progressed to a driving school before getting her licence. John taught me to drive also. During one of Sharn’s lessons, someone broke into the unit and stole my wedding rings. I wanted to stop them but again I was unable. The break-in saddened Sharn and John.

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John was at home when she arrived after her driving test. “Well, did you pass?” She waved her P Plate in front of him smiling. “I got it, Dad!” “I knew you would! That's my girl!” He hugged her. I was proud of our daughter, she persevered and continued to learn to drive a manual. I was also pleased John praised and encouraged her. “What do you say if I gave you my car and I get a new one?” “Really, Dad? Sounds like a great idea, thank you!” Sharn couldn't keep the excitement out of her voice. “It will need to be reregistered so you will have to look after that. What do you think?” Sharn hugged John. “It’s a great start for me, Dad, thank you sooo much.” “Good! that is settled, so I will buy myself another car and the old one will be yours!” Sharn needed to earn some money before she could reregister the car but her father bought his new car and she visited her car in its parking space, washing it and starting the engine and moving the car so the tyres didn't get flat spots, so she was told, until she started work and saved enough money to get it roadworthy! ☆ She was not very good at shorthand as her mind did not work quick enough. She loved it as an art form, in its creativity but not the speed. She tended to favour arts and crafts, drawing, sewing and letter writing. I was pleased our daughter wanted to become a secretary like I was. It suits our daughter’s personality. I was an achiever. I set goals for myself and worked towards them. I had other plans for my future after years in the sanatorium. I wanted to do a course in typing, shorthand and bookkeeping to get a secretarial job. I wanted to learn to

Jaimewrenauthor.com 87 Rose’s Legacy dance and get my license. Most of all, I wanted to get married and have my own family, including a dog of my own. Our daughter had most of the same goals as me but she needed more confidence. Sharn fidgeted in her seat on the train ride to the city with John for her job interview. He paced the sidewalk as he waited for her to return from the interview, and tell him how she went. I went in with our daughter and was pleased she got a job. Sharn was smiling and walked energetically so John also knew the news was good. I was especially pleased she got a job in secretarial work and I think John was too. As she approached him, “how did you go?” he asked before she reached him. “I got the job, Dad. I start as a junior receptionist and do a lot of running around plus typing and answering the switchboard. They know my shorthand isn't fast which worried me. I start after Christmas when they return to work from being closed for a holiday.” “Congratulations, Sweetheart.” He hugged her to his side and kissed her head as they started walking. “This calls for a celebration. Lunch is on me.” They walked to the Town Hall arcade and found a coffee shop next to a waterfall feature and ordered lunch. “What do you know about your new employer?” Our daughter’s eyes shone as she described the office and reception where she will work and the other people. I saw John’s pride in our daughter as she talked and he listened. John took half day off work and returned to work after their lunch. Sharn stayed in the city exploring. I was with her as she looked around in awe as people went about their business, some rushing and others meandering. I was with her as she window shopped and when she looked up at the tall buildings around her as she walked down George Street, eventually to Circular Quay. I accompanied her as she walked around the

Jaimewrenauthor.com 88 Rose’s Legacy harbour, the Rocks and under the huge expanse of the Harbour Bridge and past a cruise ship docked nearby, then around to the Opera House, on the other side of the horseshoe shaped bay. I recall when John took Sharn on a ferry to Manly while the Opera House was being built in the early 70s. The building is complete now and quite a work of architecture. Sharn then strolled around Botanic Gardens, watching people, the activities on the harbour and admiring the gardens before returning to the Quay to catch a train home. Sharn spoke to her friends excitedly about her job and said how nervous she was also. Like me she loved organising and being in the background rather than up front taking credit. She started out as a junior gofer, running errands, reception, coffee making, and other tasks such as using a gestetner machine, an old-fashioned form of photocopying, as well as carbon paper copies on the manual typewriter, accuracy was important back then! She quickly learnt her way around the city and started reading books to pass the hour-long journey to the city from the western suburbs of Sydney and breathed a sigh of relief when she knew she did not have to take shorthand. Her confidence was low when she left school and she was very introverted, but as she started working, I could see she was emerging from her shell, like a butterfly, she became more confident and social (to a degree). John was teaching her financial responsibility and she had to pay board. Eventually she saved enough to get the car registered and she was on the road! Of a weekend she was often the designated driver for her friends when they went to dances or discos in the 1980s as she didn't drink much. Her friends at this time were a mix from high school and her workplace, all living in the same area. Sharn maintained her friendship with her TAFE friend, Maree, but did not see her often as they worked and lived a number of suburbs away.

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With each change, from moving to the city, attending primary school and high school she and her friends mostly moved onto separate paths and did not see each other as regularly. No mobile phones back then or internet. They were lucky enough to have a telephone in the 1980s. The true friends kept in contact. When she started driving Sharn contacted my aunties. It was a good reunion for our daughter, being around people who knew me all my life and hearing stories about me as Sharn barely remembers me and being in a home that I had visited also meant a great deal. During her first year of work was when Azaria Chamberlain was abducted in 1980 which was heavily broadcast, the question was; did the dingo take her as claimed or did the family have something to do with her disappearance. Sharn saved hard for holidays and to have money in the bank for her future. Her first big holiday was when she was 20. A coach tour along the east coast of Australia, visiting some coastal islands then down the Birdsville Track, Flinders Ranges and back to Sydney. ☆

Sharn transferred her need for love from her father to her boyfriends and worried about her looks and weight. Sharn was always looking for that love we didn’t give her enough of.

She started dating when she finished school, Sharn was obsessed with her weight and became mildly bulimic. I worried but could do nothing and John had no idea. John made their lunches of a morning and Sharn bought fresh bread on her way home. She went home and gorged herself on the fresh bread and butter to cover her feelings of

Jaimewrenauthor.com 90 Rose’s Legacy loneliness, then ate a large dinner John placed before her. She then felt guilty, and purge after John went out. She did not have a serious case but was on the dieting rollercoaster.

Sharn loved her food, different from me as I barely ate. She believed her figure could be improved by losing weight. Yet our daughter was petite like me and gorgeous but she did not see that and I could not tell her. Instead, she had low self-esteem.

After work Sharn went to the gym, always conscious of her weight, returning home on the train in the evening, until a shocking event rocked her safe world and that of many others. It was a wakeup call. The terrible news of the abduction and murder of Anita Cobby. This was never before experienced in Sydney in the 1980s. It worried Sharn and it worried me. Anita was twenty-six years old, just over four years older than Sharn and very pretty. She was going about her everyday business working as a registered nurse. She finished work, had dinner in town with friends and caught the train home from the city to Blacktown. Sharn often stayed late in town, just like Anita. The public telephone at the station did not work due to vandalism, so Anita could not call her father to pick her up, leading to her fateful decision to walk home at 10pm. Anita began her walk when a car full of five bored male youths looking for trouble or excitement, stopped beside her. It was probably a case of opportunity but the occupants jumped out and dragged her into the car as she screamed but no-one came to her rescue, if they even heard her. What happened next was tragic to say the least. She was bashed, robbed, raped and tortured, then her throat was cut, left naked and dead in a cow paddock a suburb away. It was two days before she was found. When the public heard what happened, they were outraged!

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The NSW Government posted a $50,000 reward for any information leading to an arrest and re-enacted her journey home on the train to hopefully jog people's memories, interviewing regular passengers. The murder was front page news with graphic details of the atrocities that befell her. The investigation gradually made progress with the community and the whole of Australia watching closely to see the culprits brought to justice. The Police, under Detective Sergeant Ian Kennedy, a top detective of his day, tracked down and arrested the five men within three weeks. They were hated for what they did and are not worth mentioning here. At the small Coroner's Court at Westmead a crowd gathered calling for restoration of the death penalty for the five men. Committal proceedings then transferred to Glebe Court. It was doubtful a sympathetic jury would be found for their trial. The public defender was assigned the case and had an unenviable job to argue a competent and fair case for the defence despite his own personal opinion. The Crown argued they were each equally to blame for what happened that night regardless of who held the knife. Each of the five submitted signed confessions. On 16 March 1987 the trial began in No.5 Court at Darlinghurst, the central criminal court, presided over by a Supreme Court judge, Justice Maxwell. Anita's parents sat quietly and dignified in the back throughout the trial, a testament to their courage. The grounds outside were awash with people and the atmosphere heightened and charged; from potential jurors, television, radio and newspaper, News crews. The media called it the trial of the century. The jury tried to do their job without prejudice and eventually announced their verdict: All accused were found guilty on all accounts.

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The five men were all present together for the first time to hear their sentences. The atmosphere inside the courtroom was tense wanting the judge to give the accused life sentences. The judge was moved to tears and announced, “penal servitude for life.” He then added further sentences for other crimes committed by them at the time. The courtroom erupted! Judge Maxwell concluded, “The circumstances of these prisoners and the circumstances of the murder of Anita Lorraine Cobby prompt me to recommend that the official files of each prisoner should be clearly marked, ‘Never to be released’.” Sharn was so shocked by this atrocious crime she thought twice about her gym routine after work and as a direct impact she mostly returned home to the suburbs before dark on the busy peak hour trains with the stations and streets bustling with people for her short walk home. She would find a better time to exercise, weekends and lunchtime. Possibly even before work but not night time. It was the most significant crime in Australian to impact Sharn's life. ☆ On the morning of Sharn’s 21st John made breakfast and when Sharn came out he had her present on the table. “Happy birthday, Sweetheart.” John gave her a kiss and a hug. She sat at the table and picked up the present and read the card. Inside it read, “Dear Sharn Happy 21st birthday, Love Dad xxx” Then she unwrapped the small box and as she opened the lid, she found a watch which her father had engraved on the back Happy 21st Sharn 1984. “Thank you, Dad.”

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Sharn kissed her father. They ate breakfast and John left for work. “I hope you have a wonderful day, and I will see you this afternoon for our dinner out.” “Okay Dad, see you then.” Sharn dressed for work and put the watch on her wrist then left half hour after her father to make the commute to the city. Sharn bought herself a dress for the occasion, as women do. It was a cocktail dress of a blue green colour with a fine overlay embroidered with silver flowers placed intermittently with a smart see-through jacket to cover her shoulders. She wore a pair of white court shoes and carried a white handbag, wearing her gifts from her father of locket, watch and signet ring. During lunch at work, she went to a hairdresser and they styled her long brown hair. That evening she prepared for her 21st birthday dinner. She put on her new dress and some makeup, not much. By this time, she had her ears pierced. Her complexion was clear although she had freckles but she had not suffered through acne and did not need braces or glasses covering her brown eyes, a replica of her father. She did not need makeup, although she insisted she did. John was strict about many things with our daughter including dating, ear piercing and makeup. She was lucky she didn’t go through illnesses, braces or other childhood issues. Sharn didn't want a big party for her 21st birthday and instead had a dinner out with a couple of close friends, Maree and Mandy and aunties and uncles, including May. Her friend Anne was now a mum and living out west and couldn't make it but Sharn was going to Anne’s 21st a week later, taking a long weekend off work. Sharn surveyed herself critically in the mirror. Our daughter was beautiful but she believed she was carrying extra weight. Sharn still wrote in a diary which I unashamedly read, not that I could do anything about anything I didn’t like, such as when she lost her virginity at sixteen to Tom. Deciding she looked fine Sharn walked out to the lounge room.

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“You look beautiful, Sweetheart.” “Thanks Dad.” They made their way out to the car in the pouring rain. It was a stormy winter’s night with rain lashing the windows of the high rise restaurant. Despite the rain, her loved ones made her night special. The evening was perfect except for the weather. They had a lovely meal followed by a birthday cake and her father gave a toast to her saying how proud he was of her. She enjoyed having her favourite people with her and she went home to open many beautiful gifts. That night as she lay in bed she reflected on her day and I thought about how I could have made it better. Our daughter’s 21st didn’t include me. My fault of course. I had visions about if I had written her a letter for her 21st. Such an important milestone. My 21st was held at my grandparents’ yard with my loved ones, including John. On the morning of Sharn’s 21st, in my vision, Sharn went to her father's room and sat on his bed. He wished her a happy birthday and opened the letter I had penned 17 years ago for this occasion. “Are you ready?” John asked. Even though she could read it herself, it was their ritual that he read it. “Yes Dad.” “Dear Sharn, Happy 21st birthday, our darling daughter! You must be so beautiful and a grown woman now. Mum and Dad are very proud of you. This is my last letter to you as you are now an adult and need to live your life and move forward. Always move forward my darling, you are strong and we are very proud parents. I hope all your dreams come true. Remember I love you always, Mum.”

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Everything I would have said was true, she was beautiful and strong and we were proud of her. Our gift to her was a sewing machine. Sharn went to her room and placed the last letter from me in the special box with all the others from four to eighteen then her 21st. Later that night after a memorable birthday she opened my letter again and read the words, thinking about all her dreams coming true and remembering I loved her and my words about always moving forward. However, she did not get to have these letters from me. Maybe she would have had better self-esteem if she knew I loved her through letters, if I had written them!

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Pursuit of Love Chapter 13 Sharn’s need for love drove her to look to others for her self-worth and approval. I wanted to tell her how proud I was of her and how loved she was. Still healthy relationships and happy ever after were not working for her as she was too needy, like I was. In some ways independent but emotionally insecure. Her first boyfriend was her childhood sweetheart, Tom. In high school, they met up on the train before and after school and spent time some holidays together as well as sitting with him as he sold newspapers. He was her first love and her first sexual partner, it wasn’t a romantic occasion, more one of discovery. As much as I wanted to give our daughter advice, I was unable too. I am still no stronger in my afterlife. Once they finished Year 10, they drifted apart, losing contact and he had moved further away. When Sharn boarded a train one afternoon after work a couple of years later, Tom was standing in the vestry and they started talking. “How have you been, Sharn?” “Good thanks Tom. Are you working in the city?” “Temporarily, yes. What about you?” “I have a secretarial job in town, this is my daily commute.” “It has been a while since I have seen you.” “Yes, it has.” “Can I pick you up before work tomorrow and we go for a drive before we start?” “Yes, sure. Sounds good.” “5.00am too early. You haven’t moved?” “No, and I will be ready.”

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“See you then.” Tom left the train at Redfern. Tom had grown tall and his face matured since she saw him. He was in the middle of an apprenticeship and had his license and car.

The next morning Sharn dressed for work, looking forward to spending time with Tom. He arrived at five and they drove to Palm Beach, walked on the sand and watched the sun rise while talking. The sky was clear and the day started mild. The sunrise over the ocean did not disappoint. They returned to the city centre where Tom dropped her off at work and gave her a kiss goodbye. He was taking her out on Friday night and for our daughter the days before Friday went too slow. Tom picked Sharn up Friday night and they went to Prospect Hotel for a meal and listened to a band. Then on Sunday they went for a drive to Wattamolla Beach in the Royal National Park, south of Sutherland. They trekked south and Tom showed her a secluded waterfall where they swam and dried off on the rocks. For some reason Tom had never introduced her to his family although they sometimes went to the beach with his friends who she knew from school. Tom returned to his suburban workplace and he didn’t have a phone at home so again they drifted apart although Sharn always hoped he would ring and did not want to venture away from the telephone in case. This was an unhealthy way for her to be and I signed in relief when she gave up waiting and went out with her friends again. . Sharn’s confidence was slowly growing and she was less shy since she started working. I worried about her self-esteem, she always found faults with herself. Sharn had never been sick or suffered broken bones, at least not after the typical infant measles and mumps when I was alive, then she had hepatitis when she lived out

Jaimewrenauthor.com 98 Rose’s Legacy bush. She was lucky in that regard but then again, she had suffered much worse in other ways. I find it hard to believe she is an adult, and so does John. During Sharn's years at her first job she upgraded to another second-hand car, and her father went guarantor on a hire purchase agreement, establishing her first credit rating. Sharn took her first independent holiday when she was 20. After six years in her first job Sharn moved on into the emerging world of computers with IBM and Wang word processing. Yes, a blast from the past, you say! Technology took off in leaps and bounds and she wanted to keep up. It was the way of the future. Still on track with her financial goals, Sharn thought she had found the love of her life when she met Paul in the city when they continually came across each other in the Town Hall arcade at lunchtime. Initially saying hello then they sat together to eat their lunch. Paul was tall with broad muscular shoulders, from surfing he told her, dark straight hair, hazel eyes and quite handsome. However, during their talks, they discovered they lived at opposite sides of the city. They met for lunch a couple of times a week and on Friday evening Paul drove over and take her out to the movies or to watch a band or dinner and Saturday and Sunday they spent outdoors. Sometimes she drove over to southern Sydney and they went to the beaches and at other times they explored her local areas and further west. Paul picked her up and she went to watch him compete in triathlons or a bike race or marathon. Other times they went to the beach and she watched him surf and at other times they went up and down the coast for a day out. They talked easily and she met his family. He still lived at home with his parents and younger brother.

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Sharn got on well with them all and occasionally stayed over. His parents didn’t mind her staying over and sleeping with Paul. They were very compatible in many ways and Paul was very attentive to her. Sharn made an effort to get fitter. Running of a lunchtime instead of walking, on the days she didn’t see Paul, and going to the gym before work. After a few months of dating, Paul surprised her. “How do you feel about moving in together?” “I am not sure. I haven’t thought of moving out.” “It is about time I bought a place of my own. I stayed at home to save and have enough now.” “So, you were going to move out anyway?” “Yes, I think it is time. Do you want to check out places with me.” “That I can do!” On the weekend they went to a real estate agent and looked at a new complex which was selling. They both liked the units and Paul chose one on the top floor. It had a lock up cage within the underground carpark and a balcony off the lounge room and second bedroom. Paul showed his parents the unit then bought it. “Will you move in with me, Sharn?” He asked over dinner. “Yes Paul, I would like that but I am worried about dad.” “I understand, you two are close. Furniture shopping might take your mind off it.” “I’d like that!” “I knew you would!” He laughed. This was a next stage to their relationship. The unit was central to his family and Sharn’s father, plus not a long commute to the city for them both although he was a tradie and they worked different hours.

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Leaving home to live with a boyfriend at the age of twenty-three was a difficult decision for Sharn. She wanted to move in with Paul but worried about her father. She did move despite her worries. I thought it was a good opportunity for her to grow. In her diary she justified her decision writing that she would still see her father regularly as she wasn’t moving too far away and maybe it gave her father time to move forward in the next phase of his life as he was seeing a lady at the time. Times had changed. I would never have dreamed of moving in before marriage and John was old fashioned also, but he let our daughter make her own decisions. Sharn did miss her father but saw him weekly when she had dinner with him. The couple enjoyed many weekend activities, usually outdoors, or going away for weekends. Paul was into triathlons, a good swimmer and very active, and Sharn tried to embrace his world. She wasn't a good swimmer or runner, mostly used to walking and gym. At first our daughter was happy with Paul. Sharn tried hard to improve her fitness for him. They played tennis of a Friday night and most weekends they went to Paul's events. As time progressed Sharn lost the initial incentive to live in Paul's world. She realised she changed herself to fit into Paul's life and could not continue. She was also having trouble giving herself totally and becoming vulnerable to another person. I knew she was scared to get emotionally hurt but she was unaware of how her past affected her relationships. She met another forever friend, Jessie, at her second job and they discussed, or analysed, their issues, relationships and personal growth. During the 80's the two friends read many self-help guides and compared notes and talked about their boyfriends. As girls do. She needed to be true to herself and her true self wasn't right for Paul and he wasn't right for her. She had changed herself to fit into his world and didn’t even know

Jaimewrenauthor.com 101 Rose’s Legacy what her world was. Our daughters distress showed clearly on her face, having to figure out how to break the news to Paul. Paul was a nice guy but not right for our daughter. She reluctantly got out of bed of a weekend to exercise when all she wanted to do was lay in. She dragged herself around to put on her joggers and pick up the pace for a run when she just wanted to walk, torn between what she should do and wanted to do. She had higher expectations on herself than Paul but she believed she had to keep up if she wanted to live in his world, maybe she believed he wouldn’t like her if she was different or her real self, but she didn’t know what that was either! It was the expectations she placed on herself, projecting them onto Paul. In the end she decided it was better for both of them to end things earlier rather than later. She cared for and respected Paul and hoped he found someone more suitable. So, it had to be done, the difficult task of breaking up with someone she cared for. This caused heartache for both of them. She moved home again a year after she moved out, taking with her what she left with, nothing more. Our daughter was back to square one on the relationship front, but a lesson learned and her friend, Jessie, was there to help her pick up the pieces. Her next boyfriend was Adam, again she fell head over heels in love and spent weekends with Adam. He was taller than Sharn with a solid build with blue eyes and sandy coloured hair. They met at a disco when he asked her to dance then bought her a drink. They exchanged names over the blaring music and then sat somewhere quiet to talk without yelling. Apart from him lighting a cigarette they got on well and were attracted to each other. They talked about what they did for work. “I am a mechanic and love cars. I drive a Cobra and am doing up an old FJ in my spare time.” “This might sound ignorant, but what is a Cobra? Is it like a Ford Falcon?” “That’s not ignorant. It is a Ford Falcon XC, a special edition produced in 1978, the white one with two blue stripes and two doors.”

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“I know the ones. I like the Falcons because of the shape of the windows, like a falcon eye, plus the cars look good.” “Are you interested in cars, Sharn?” “A little bit. I like a good-looking car.” “What do you drive!” “I have a 1972 Toyota Celica. One day I might get a more modern sportier Celica.” “Do you like the speedway or car shows?” “Yes, I have been to a few but don’t understand all the talk of motor sizes and colours, carburettors or other jargon.” Would you like to go to the speedway tomorrow night?” “Yes, that sounds good. Give me a call tomorrow and we can make the arrangements.” She handed him her telephone number. “Do you want another drink?” “Just a Coke thanks; I am the driver tonight.” “I will be back in a minute.” Sharn watched him walk to the bar. He was a handsome young man.

Sharn stayed by the phone Saturday morning and into the afternoon, hoping Adam would ring. The phone finally rang at 2.30pm. “Hello.” “Hi, it’s Adam, how is your day.” “Good thanks, and yours?” “We were busy at work this morning. Are you right for me to pick you up at six?” “Yes, I will be ready. See you then. Bye” Free from waiting for the phone to ring she rang Jessie before going out for an hour or so.”

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“Hi Jess.” “Hi, you got your phone call then.” “He is picking me up at six.” “Where are you off to?” “The speedway.” “That sounds like a bloke thing?” “No, I enjoy the speedway, on mild summer nights.” “Sounds boring to me. Hey are you free tomorrow?” “Ahhh, I don’t know if Adam wants to do anything with me.” “Oh, okay, doesn’t matter. I was going to invite you over. See you for lunch during the week then.” “Yes, okay. Bye.” Adam drove his Cobra, proud to show it off, then at the speedway they talked about the race types. Sharn had been a few times with her father over the years and always enjoyed sitting on the grass summer nights watching the action. Adam loved cars, he was obsessed by cars. He worked on them all day and in his spare time worked on the FJ. Sharn enjoyed going out in his Cobra. They went to the speedway and car races or car shows and watched bike and car races on the television. He was a mechanic by trade and his hobby was cars. She met his friends and they were all into cars as well. He was always looking through car magazines and talking about them. Unfortunately, she neglected seeing her own friends unless she was sure she would not be seeing Adam. Sharn looked forward to Adam’s calls and the weekends when they spent time together. She was restless until Friday came around, looking forward to her dates with Adam. They often went to the speedway and had a hot dog or pie for dinner. She liked these nights but soon tired of weekends at car races or watching them on television He

Jaimewrenauthor.com 104 Rose’s Legacy tended to like a drink and get Sharn to drive, and then when they went to bed, he fell to sleep. She soon tired of the drinking and realised they didn't have anything in common except their feelings for each other and again she knew the relationship wouldn't work. She started spending less time with Adam of a weekend. He didn't seem to mind her not being with him as he still had his cars and eventually, they broke up. Again, she could see she was living in his world and did not have her own hobbies and ways to fill her spare time, apart from going to gym but that was a part of her weekday routine along with lunchtime walks. She still needed to find her mark. Her next relationship was with a guy younger than herself. She thought of him as tall, dark and handsome, but worried she was too old for him, (a year or two), and he would find someone younger. With her insecurities the relationship was due to fail from the beginning but I couldn’t advise our daughter, she had to learn for herself. Greg was in a steady job working in a government office in the city, but was a bit like her male cousins, he worked and played soccer of a weekend and enjoyed many sports as a spectator. He followed rugby league in winter and cricket during the summer months. They often went to rugby league games in winter. He also liked having his mates around at his home to watch the games and they went to many barbeques at his mates’ places. This was the age when many married in their twenties and were starting their families so Greg and Sharn went to weddings and christenings. Sharn wasn't a social being, much like myself. Going to people's houses with Greg, involved the men gravitating around the barbeque and beer fridge while the women were gathered in the kitchen making the salads and drinking wine. This happened with John’s family too except when it came time for a sing-a-long and I did not like it either. Sharn did not drink wine and remained quiet, still painfully shy and uncomfortable. Some of the women tried to draw her in and were nice and others were judgemental. Usually, the married ones were nice but some of the girlfriends, who didn't last long, were harder to get along with. Sharn was over sensitive, like myself, to what other people

Jaimewrenauthor.com 105 Rose’s Legacy thought of her or what she perceived they thought of her, and her self-esteem suffered, comparing herself to others, like I did. Sharn dated Greg for eight months before she found out he cheated on her. That was when she ended the relationship. This devastated her confidence and self-esteem and brought up her trust issues. She believed their sex life was good, but it turned out he had lingering feelings for Linda when he and Sharn started dating. When Linda became free, Greg pursues her… to bed! They broke up and Jessie was again there to pick up the pieces for our daughter’s broken heart even though Greg was wrong for her. Her father was there too and she often asked his advice on most, but not all matters. I was there too, but of no help! It was very frustrating knowing how Sharn felt about herself and not being able to tell her otherwise or boost her confidence.

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Independence Chapter 14

The best thing our daughter did for herself was to buy her own home. Her confidence in her work abilities was high and she saved well. It was just the emotional confidence which suffered. When she bought the home, she settled into a budget and slowly bought furniture. Her first pet was a dog the previous owners asked if she would keep. Having a dog provided an outlet for her nurturing nature in the absence of the elusive partner and children, then a stray white kitten wandered into her yard, to stay, so she had a cat and dog to come home to. Sharn wanted to be independent. It was her goal to one day own her own home. Since she did not grow up in a normal family life, she never lived in a home owned by her family. She only knew living with others and her father renting the unit. Our daughter got out of bed easily to go to work, because she enjoyed her job and had her life goal to save and own a home. This became separate from her goal to marry and have kids which was becoming harder to achieve because she had yet to find the right partner. She liked to be organised and in control. Sharn set goals each day and worked towards them, feeling a sense of achievement and she worked her way up the career ladder over the years to become an administrative assistant. She was well on her way to meeting her financial goals and being independent and in control of her own life. Sharn was twenty-seven when she purchased her first home as she had enough deposit saved and could get a mortgage on her income. From then on, she was never without having a pet. I smiled at our daughter’s shared love of animals. I had a genuine love of animals from an early age. I was also proud of her achievement and so was John.

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It was not a fancy new home, but she liked old fixer uppers. At least she was in the Sydney housing market, but had just missed out buying before a housing boom when prices went up. John had moved out of Sydney by then. He took a redundancy and applied for a disability pension because of his back issues ever since he had an electric shock at work and was flung across the room when Sharn was just two. Even though he was living out of Sydney, he was more available to Sharn by telephone and was learning to use computers and email. He came back to Sydney for holidays to help Sharn make improvements on the house. Being an electrician, he had learnt from other trades he worked around, plus he had renovated his own first home not so long before in northern NSW. Sharn became settled. She liked her job, had a home of her own, paying off a mortgage, and always had a pet or two to come home to. Her travelling expenditure was put on hold at this stage but she did get to have holidays in different locations, sometimes visiting friends in other places and still seeing wonderful sights. Finally, Sharn had found her world. Her weekdays were full with working and exercising in whatever form it took, usually an hour walk at lunchtime through the Botanic Gardens. Sharn was reaching most of her goals, slowly paying off a mortgage, climbing the career ladder, helping in the community, studying and preparing to care for her father in his later years. The latter two were new to her list as her father aged. There was only the two of them and they had a close bond. There was no question she would be there when, and if, he needed her. She often feared her reaction to losing him because they were so close. She enrolled in a Disability Support Course and did volunteer work as part of her training. Sharn shared my compassion for the elderly and lonely.

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When they allowed me to walk around the sanatorium, I strolled through the grand building, and talked to the staff while they worked, or visited some elderly people (at a distance) to see how they were fairing. I especially talked to those who did not get visitors. I wasn't shy there because I knew all the staff and felt comfortable talking to them and some residents, and they accepted me just as I was and looked forward to my visits. I did not feel inferior or anxious for their approval. It was good to be myself without all my anxieties about fitting in. In the first year in her new home, Sharn’s inherited dog got run over on the busy street she lived on. She was devastated the night she walked home from work to see her dog on the side of the road. It brought back memories of when my Chief died. I never fully recovered from his loss. After Sharn recovered from the loss she made sure the fences were secured before getting another dog. She felt safer having a dog around.

She became interested in researching her family history, mine and Johns. This was when she met some of my father's family. One of whom was Lucy. Lucy was 99, still living in the home she lived at when I was in the sanatorium and still chopping her own wood! Sharn stayed in contact with these relatives. Lucy was aged 105 when she died and Sharn had attended her 100th birthday, where Lucy received congratulations from the Prime Minister and the Queen. Lucy was good to me when I was in the sanatorium and she shared fond memories of me with Sharn and gave Sharn the lace tablecloth I sent to her years ago and her invite to our wedding. I can’t believe she still had these things. Sharn now has a book on my father's family history and a network of my relations she never knew before. She also visited the sanatorium I had spent many years at. Sharn’s self-confidence was improving but she was still looking for love and struggled with relationships. She then decided to go to a Counsellor. I was proud of her for this. We all could have done with counselling in the 1960s.

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Chapter 15 The Counsellor asked about her life and Sharn told her about her upbringing and relationships. Over time the Counsellor explained things that made sense to our daughter. “I believe you have abandonment issues and find ways to push people away before they get too close and leave you. Like when you were a child with the loss of your mother and when your father kept leaving you.” “I can’t see how I am pushing people away.” “You might be subconsciously choosing the wrong people, either fulfilling your prophecy they will leave or hindering closeness.” She went on to explain, “The little child you were remembers all the trauma and does not want to go through that again. Even though you are older and capable, the child is scared.” “Getting involved in a close relationship involves vulnerability and you like having control so being vulnerable is something you fear and cannot do. You have to work on healing the child who is controlling the adult. Consciously you know you are strong and independent, at least in most aspects of your life, except emotionally.” “Yes, I think I am and I know I can cope with loss so why am I blocking closeness?” “The child remembers the trauma and anguish and is protecting you.” Sharn realised she was her own obstacle to her dream goal of finding love, but how to fix it was going to be difficult.

Sharn needed to know herself; what she liked doing, how she liked being and feel comfortable in her own skin. It would not work if she changed herself to suit someone else and she didn’t like placing her friends second to the newest boyfriend. She had to

Jaimewrenauthor.com 110 Rose’s Legacy find someone who accepted her as she was and she them. She had to consider what she wanted her partner to be like but I could not convey this to her, even though I had a good idea. Sharn knew her partner had to be in a stable job, was wise with his money and a homely type of guy who also liked being outdoors. He had to want a family and be there for them, coming home each night to a family meal and spending time at home and with the family of a weekend but also spending time with friends but not at the disadvantage of his family. I agreed with her idea of a perfect partner. Sharn’s next relationship was another turning point. In 1999, Sharn went out with one guy and he moved in with her, he was staying with her every night anyway. That relationship should never have happened and I was pleased it ended in six months. He was very demanding of her attention which made Sharn claustrophobic in a sense. She came to a point of being huddled on the floor in a foetal position and I feared she was very depressed but I am thankful she reached out for help through her doctor. “I think I need help as I am not coping.” “Tell me what has been happening.” “I am in a relationship and feel claustrophobic with my partner. I am dragging myself around and am stressed and crying and it brings up things from the past and I get teary.” “You need to take a good look at your relationship. Maybe it is not right for you. Do you want me to recommend couples counselling?” “Not yet thanks, Doctor.” “It sounds like you have a chemical imbalance and I will prescribe antidepressants. It will take a few weeks for them to start working.” Tears welled in Sharn’s eyes at the diagnosis and I could not comfort her. I hope they are better than what was around in my day then maybe my life would have been different ... and not ended the way it did.

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Being on antidepressants for a chemical imbalance stabilized Sharn’s moods and depression with the decrease of her severe Mondayitis and general irritableness, a blessing to those around her! She began to wonder what caused her imbalance, wondering if her young traumas had affected her. I believe they did! I can see she has a fear of getting close to her partners fearing them leaving and she finds it hard to trust causing her to push them away, but in this case her partner had his own issues with his expectations of what he thought a relationship should be like and being overly demanding. Sharn went on the antidepressants but also ended the relationship with her partner. I smiled when she did this because she immediately felt free. She had not realised how demanding he had been. Sharn also stayed on the antidepressants because they improved her moods. It took a while to find the right antidepressant for Sharn. When she first started taking antidepressants, they made her feel nervy in the stomach, but that passed after a while. Mostly she had to find the best one that did not make her so sleepy. She read that the food people eat can also affect the chemical balance. For example, bananas are a happy food because they are high in certain essential amino acids that the body cannot produce internally. Sharn felt like a better person on the antidepressants, she was less moody and irritable. That in itself made them worth taking and I wish I had them in my time. All they gave me was Valium. With the antidepressants and self-awareness Sharn moved forward, learning more about herself and being aware of where her issues lay and realised her relationship was unhealthy and doomed to failure.

As time went on and Sharn fell in and out of love or lust, her soul mate eluded her and her biological clock was ticking but she wanted to be financially secure before

Jaimewrenauthor.com 112 Rose’s Legacy bringing children into the world. This was another goal added to her list making her dream of children harder to attain. She may have gotten this from me because I was unable to leave John in the 1960s because I had no money of my own put aside and had no transport. I had nowhere I could go. Then, for Sharn, there was the absence of the partner or husband and not just A partner or husband. They had to love each other, be secure financially with a stable job and trustworthy. A minor setback! Sharn was truly amazed at how single mothers managed and she did not want to be one unless she was financially secure.

Still considering what the counsellor said, she couldn't see herself pushing men away. In her eyes they were not suitable for various legitimate reasons. As time progressed Sharn let go of her dreams of having children as she was getting too old to have a first child and she was worried about how she would be if she went off her medication for depression to carry a child. She found a replacement in her four legged pets. She showered her love on them and they returned it unconditionally. It wasn't the same but it was enough for her. “What do I know about children anyway,” Sharn told herself. I felt for Sharn who was not going to have children, doubting her ability to maintain a proper marital relationship and concerned about her mothering ability due to her depression, all because of my own decision to commit suicide and the events that followed. I berated myself for destroying our daughter’s life and wished I could turn back time and change things. However, I was pleased Sharn found solace with her pets. It was not the same as having her own children, as I knew, but it was still comforting.

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Then, twelve years after first moving to her own home, her pet dog and loyal companion passed away from cancer. She was a medium to large female Labrador who did not have an ounce of aggression in her and wagged her back end and not just her tail. She also got on well with Sharn’s cat who arrived as a stray kitten and loved its new adopted home. Sharn called the vet out to put her dog down which was an extremely hard thing to do after trying isotope therapies to heal the growing tumour but in the end, she knew her Beauty was in too much pain and could not get around. It was raining when they arrived and Sharn stayed by her dog while the needle was injected and she passed. The vet took her back to the surgery to arrange cremation. Sharn cried for days after that. When I lost my Chief, that was when I first seriously considered taking my life. I too was heartbroken. I was lonely and looked forward to John coming home to talk too. I loved our daughter but she was too young to have a conversation with. Thank goodness I had Chief. Chief was my loyal German Shepard. I trained him as a puppy and he was very obedient. He was always by my side and protected Sharn. He sat with me late into the evening as I waited for John until I eventually went to bed. John's dinner would be in the oven shrivelling, as all the juices dried it out. I had Chief for seven years then the unthinkable happened. I remembered the grief I went through when someone threw poisoned meat over the back fence, which backed onto the scrub. Totally beside myself with grief to lose my best friend, I cradled his still warm body to me for what seemed like forever. The first and probably only source of unconditional love that I ever received, taken from me. Unable to function following my discovery, I was both angry at the cruelty of some people and at my loss.

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Sharn did not know why her mummy cried so much and it upset her. John did not know what to say, we all felt the loss of our Chief. I especially took pride in watching Chief and Sharn interact. I knew Sharn was safe while Chief was around. No stranger could get anywhere near them, and he was so gentle with her and tolerated her occasional ear or tail pulling. I could watch with pride and love as Sharn slept curled up on Chief as a pillow and snuggled for his warmth and comfort and Chief would not move and disturb her slumber. In my grief, I wrote the following poem on the back of an enlarged framed photo I had of my beloved "Chee" not long after his murder. I wrote it, when alone again, waiting for John’s return from work and the club.

Chee Bub Dear Chee, you hold your head up, proud and tall Oh, Chee, you gave me a friendship treasured above all You were always near when I needed you so, To lick my hand when my tears would flow. Alone I sat many nights, but you were with me to bear the nights I was not afraid, because I always knew you, my Chief, were on the right of me God gave me you for seven years, your love, your loyalty always there. At the end, until too late, I knew you were to leave me for heaven's journey Though now you are gone and we are alone, I still feel your presence, your protection here. I beg for vengeance to the sadist nearby, then I look at your picture and it seems to say, as I cry, stand for courage and bear no hate. Goodbye my Chee my wonderful dog–until we meet in heaven above, just keep for me your loyalty and love. Till once again we'll romp and play, oh dear Chief, I look forward to that day

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God has called you for the greatest honour of all, So, do it proudly–my German Shepherd.

Sharn was working in the suburbs by this time. After the death of her dog, Sharn sold her home and moved with her cat which was thirteen. A year later she got another dog and took a holiday while her neighbour minded her cat. This was when Drew entered her life.

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Loss Chapter 16 Sharn met Drew when she was in her late thirties while on a two-week holiday. They met on a beach on a sunny spring day, when they were walking their dogs. Their dogs gravitated to each other to play and Drew began a conversation with her. As their dogs played, they talked and discovered they were both on holidays from the same area of Sydney and staying in the same caravan park. By unspoken word they met up daily to walk their dogs and watched them speeding along the sandy foreshores, free, playing and frolicking in the shallow water and chasing a ball to bring back for another throw. They started sharing their evening meal together as they continued to find out more about each other and their shared interests, and marvelled at how easily they related and how comfortable they felt around each other. Drew was eighteen months older than her. They seemed very similar. He was a quiet, caring man and liked similar things. He had a steady job and worked hard, owned his own home and had his dog. When they returned home from their holidays they kept in touch and saw each other regularly, meeting at a park for a picnic and taking their dogs for walks. They went out for dinner, Saturday nights or Sunday afternoons they went out to listen to bands and have a social drink and gradually spent more time together, seeking out each other's company. They started dating in 1999 with the Sydney Olympics approaching. The planning saw a lot of construction work for Drew's employer and Drew drove various equipment on job sites holding numerous tickets or licenses. During the Games they went to different events like rowing at Penrith and cycling at the velodrome and watched the opening and closing ceremony on the television. After a few months they drove up to visit John.

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“Dad, this is Drew, Drew this is John.” The men shook hands, “Pleased to finally meet you, Drew, I have heard a lot about you.” “You too, Mr Evans.” “Call me John.” “Are you ready for a brew after the long drive, Drew? Come on through.” “Sure am.” They made their way to the back verandah with a stunning view of the river and John poured a couple of beers. “Cheers.” They held up there glasses. They relaxed on the verandah while Sharn took the dogs into the yard and settled them in before returning to the two most important men in her life. John had already cooked a casserole for dinner so, as the sun went down, Sharn dished up their dinner. The next day they went sight-seeing with John to the lookout and beaches before returning to his home for lunch. They could only get away for three days so on Sunday they returned back to the city. She rang John during the week, keen to know what he thought of Drew. “Well, Dad, do you like Drew?” “Yes, he seems nice, has a good job and he definitely loves you, which I am pleased about.” “That means the world to me, Dad.” “As long as you are happy.” “Yes I am.” Drew’s ex-wife was remarried and had two more boys. Drew only saw her at special occasions for his children. Sharn met Drew’s two, Michael and Linda and their

Jaimewrenauthor.com 118 Rose’s Legacy families. They often got together throughout the year, attending birthdays and other events. His ex-wife was happy with her new husband and she and Drew had an amicable truce for the sake of their kids. Drew and Sharn planned a holiday to New Zealand and John came to Sydney to mind their pets. They flew into Christchurch and picked up a hire care to explore the South Island. They drove to the foreshore, “Drew, look at the water colour, isn’t it a gorgeous green?” “It is beautiful.” They wondered around the city by car during the day and on foot of an evening eating dinner in the city near to their accommodation then they moved on and made their way toward Queenstown. “It is beautiful countryside with the snow on Mount Cook and the mountains so close and gullies.” “I came here once before. I love this country.” Drew replied. “I have been to the north island and the ocean on its east coast was the same beautiful green.” When they reached their room in a Queenstown Motel, Sharn opened the curtains. “Drew, look how beautiful the view is with the lake and mountains covered in snow right in front of us.” Drew went and stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her taking in the scenic outlook over the top of her head. “It is amazing.” That evening they walked down town hand in hand to the cosy Pig N Whistle hotel and ate their meal and had a drink or two by the fire.

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The next day they caught a gondola up the mountain and looked down at the town and Lake Wakatipu below, photos could not do the vista justice. They visited the Skyline’s Stratosfare Restaurant & Bar for a meal and later went on the luge. “Drew, look at the sign.” “Where?” On the way back into town Sharn stopped. The street sign read: Cemetery Dead End They both laughed at the double meaning and strolled hand in hand through town. Their next adventure was white-water rafting in Skippers Canyon and another time they jet boated on the Shotover River. Hanging on tight they enjoyed the exhilaration of the adventures. Neither wanted to bungee jump, instead they caught the boat across the lake on the TSS Earnslaw followed by a buffet lunch at the Walter Peak High Country Farm. They drove to the town of Wanake bordering Lake Wanake and to Arrowtown and to the most southern town of Invercargill as well as Fiordland. A cruise at Milford Sound was breathtaking. The height above water being as high as it was deep. The spray of the waterfalls caught some unawares as the boat floated in close. When they left Queenstown, the couple travelled up the west coast stopping at Fox glacier and Greymouth before heading east back to Christchurch via the Great Alpine Highway and Arthurs Pass. The Otira Viaduct and Waimakariri bridge, staggering feats of engineering. Nature truly displayed it finest in the South Island of New Zealand with snow-capped peaks, lush rainforests, craggy mountains, lakes, waterfalls and huge ravines. Their holiday ended far too quickly. I wish John and I could have done things like that in our youth. While they were away, they talked about their future.

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“I love you, Sharn. Do you want to move in together and see how we go cohabitating?” “I love you too, Drew and I know I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” “I feel the same about you.” “Would we both sell and buy afresh?” “I could sell my place and move into yours, if you want or rent it out.” “That’s an idea.” “Great! When we get home, soon enough?” They held hands as Sharn gazed out the window on their flight home, at the sea below. There was something about Drew our daughter had never experienced with another male and it was a knowing. She believed he was her soul mate! I thought he was a perfect match for her at this stage of her life. Sharn was grateful she was one of the lucky ones and contemplated the next stage of their life.

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Chapter 17 Drew rented his home out and he moved in with Sharn, where they merged their lives together. It was time for a spring clean anyway! They enjoyed living together and adjusting to each other’s ways and a good family moved into Drew’s home, but there was another issue Sharn wanted to discuss. “Do you want more children, Drew?” “It doesn’t matter to me. I have my children and grandchildren and have seen them grew up, but if you want children then I would be fine.” “Probably not now as I am nearly forty and have not had any children prior. It is a but late to start now. Plus, I would need to go off my medication which is not ideal.” “You would have to talk to experts about all that if you are contemplating it.” “I also believe my mother had post-natal depression and I would probably be the same.” “Another question to ask the experts.” “If you don’t have a need to have more children then it is probably best I don’t. I am content with our fur family.” “If you are unsure, find out the facts before you decide.” “Thanks Drew.” She kissed him, grateful for his easy-going nature. Sharn believed things worked out for a reason. They continued working and returning home to each other, never tiring of spending evenings and weekends together.

With the devastation of September 11, 2001 in America, the news rocked the world and people were glued to the television watching and listening to reports. Watching the buildings collapse and the ensuing rescue efforts. That single event again changed people's destinies and outlook.

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For Drew and Sharn, they discussed a change. With terrorism on the doorstep Sharn's world was again unsafe, like with the Anita Cobby tragedy. “Drew, with the way the world is going, I don't feel safe in the city, there is more crime and people aren't as nice as they used to be. Would you ever consider moving to the country?” Sharn asked one day. “Are you kidding, I am a country boy at heart and love the idea but I never mentioned it to you as you are all set up here with your job and home.” “Really! Where would you like to live?” “We have to consider what we can afford and where we can get jobs. I would like to be on the coast, I think.” “North or south? Still in NSW?” “Ahh, I think we have to look where we can afford, don't you?” “Yes, you are right,” Sharn acknowledged. She found Drew always had the voice of reason, which settled her. “If we went to the central coast we could commute to Sydney if we had too. Oh! and I want to live in a town, not on a property with snakes,” Sharn clarified. “Yes, I understand you not liking snakes. I am not fond of them either and I would worry about our pets.” Drew was definitely Sharn's soulmate! “How about we check the real estate market in various areas?” Drew wisely advised. “Good idea! This will be exciting!” “Yes, I like the idea, Sharn.” After plenty of research on real estate and possible job opportunities the couple visited different areas north and south of Sydney to get a feel for them and decided the central coast was too busy. Wollongong was okay but they found a house they liked at the right price at Kiama Downs.

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The couple pooled their resources for a deposit and placed their homes on the market and put in their resignations. They were hoping to pay for the house outright so they didn't have to worry about a mortgage.

Sharn had established her own financial security and was very nervous about combining their finances for the move. She was taking a step down the road of trust with Drew. Although she was unable to give up her independence to have a child with anyone. I am to blame for that! They put in an offer which was accepted, placed their deposit and signed contracts for exchange. The Sydney market was always good and their homes sold giving them enough to buy the home in Kiama Downs and some money to live on until they found employment. It was an exciting move for the couple. John visited their new home and Drew’s family made the trek down, enjoying the nearby Jones Beach. Their pets adjusted to the move while the couple did the same. They settled in and painted a couple of walls and removed wallpaper and carpet. Drew found the floorboards under the carpet were in good condition and the couple made the house their home. This was a welcome change except when it came to employment. In the city Sharn specialised in executive assistant roles and found the country required more the reception, bookkeeping, all-rounder, type work. Drew was also having trouble finding employment. They were looking local and up at Wollongong. One thing about the move was that in a round-about way, she attained two of her goals and that was to be a home owner, and semi-retired by forty. She marvelled how life turned out as it was not an intentional move to meet a goal. The move was both good and bad. Sharn's self-confidence suffered on the job front but she and Drew made a comfortable family home together with their pets. Another goal reached, in a different way to what she predicted. Sharn's goal of marriage and children

Jaimewrenauthor.com 124 Rose’s Legacy took on a new form. She had her soulmate partner but a fur family were her children. There was always someone, of the two or four leg variety, to come home to. The home the couple shared was a large three-bedroom home with magnificent western views of lush green rolling hills that reflected the gorgeous reds, pinks, purples and yellows of sunsets in the evening. Sharn continued with family history research and learnt she could obtain coroner’s reports so she wrote to Sydney and they referred her to Lake Cargelligo but many records were destroyed by fire so Sharn gave up hope of receiving the coroner’s report into my death. Then, one day she opened a package from West Wyalong and within the envelope she pulled out my coroner’s report. Her eyes grew wide as she realised what she was holding. Finally, after decades she was finally going to find out what happened to me. I don’t know if I want our daughter to read everything in the Report. It was so long ago and I know I made a mistake. Sharn never asked her father to tell her about the day and events leading up to the tragedy as she did not want to resurrect painful memories for him but she wanted to know and finally she held the answers. Whether I liked it or not!

I was particularly angry at myself that reading the Coroner’s Report and my letters was the first time Sharn was sure I loved her and she was in her forties. She read that I did not want to leave her. I was very surprised Sharn understood exactly how I felt at the time, but she doesn’t understand the full impact it has had on her life. Only I know that and my regrets surface. Because of my suicide, Sharn and John have suffered for years and I have changed the course of their lives. If I hadn’t committed suicide and waited and died a natural death, then John would have remarried eventually and Sharn would have married in her early thirties and had her own children. Trapped in my own purgatory I have watched my actions destroy their lives and I have been unable to help or heal them.

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Having made a cuppa, Sharn walked outside and settled comfortably in the sun with Drew to read the bulky document that would finally reveal what happened surrounding her my death way back in 1967. She read of the events leading up to my death. Following Chief’s death and my first attempt at suicide and our move to the isolated property, then our 10th wedding anniversary that John had forgotten. Ten days later when he did not arrive home until daylight when I was hysterical and John slapped me. That was the last straw for me and Sharn is reading it all. Sharn read between the lines. She understood my struggles with health, loneliness, self-confidence and depression. She lived through her father’s addiction to alcohol which filled me with doubts and paranoia. Sharn saw how John and I travelled parallel paths, never meeting in the middle. She then understood the extent of guilt John must have felt, but most of all, through the letters I wrote she finally learnt in my own words that I loved her. Words she had longed to hear for over 35 years of her life.

To John I wrote -

... I have tried to go on for Sharn.

I love Sharn.

Now only Sharn means anything to me.

To the Police I wrote -

... I want to live for my daughter.

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My health can't hold out, I've met the limit of endurance now and so help me I only wanted the right to bring up my daughter in peace and happiness.

Rose Evans

The following partial letter also showed Sharn that I reached out to John’s family for help regarding his drinking. 3. I don't want to spend any more years begging... by asking him to change for Sharn's sake, I'm sick to death of it. I have a couple of letters to be sent to get a divorce started. Some time back I found I had grounds and only needed doctor's certificates to have divorce papers issued. It's not nice, but at least I'll be alive to bring up Sharn. ... Haven't any of you got sense to know that the way he is going on will bring him bad health? Surely, if not for us, you could help him some way. You told me to phone Bill (his brother). John thought it was about us... he lives a single life and justifies everything he does to get his own way. You brought him up and gave him the principles... 4. We've been married ten years today...

Then Sharn read the conclusions of the Report:

INQUEST BEFORE CORONER SITTING ALONE

Inquest held

On 17 January 1968 before one of the coroners of Our Sovereign Lady the Queen for the State aforesaid concerning the death of Rose Lily Evans hereinafter called the deceased.

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After the coroner's report was completed, the Death Certificate was finalised with the cause of death as quoted from the coroner's verdict:

"Died from haemorrhage caused by a bullet wound in the heart wilfully inflicted by herself on 25th November 1967, while in an extremely distraught condition."

Findings at Inquest held 17th January 1968.

When John came to visit Sharn, he saw the Report. “Dad, I didn’t know if you would like to read it. Do you?” “Yes I do, I want to see what the neighbours said, some had nothing better to do than spread rumours.” “The Coroner gave you a slap on the wrist, so to speak.” “Yes I understand he would have but I cannot remember now, it was so long ago.” When he finished reading it they did not speak of the Report. John never talked of that time and Sharn was reluctant to dredge up bad memories for her father although she wanted to know what happened. She knew now, at least from my point of view. Sharn empathised with us after reading the Coroner’s Report; of my utter despair and the overwhelming guilt John felt, especially as he did not understand my point of view and feelings. Sharn understood my depth of depression and how I believed there was no other choice, at that time. Most of all she understood, it was not her fault. In her own struggle with abandonment and depression Sharn has experienced similar feelings, but also understands her depression is causing an exaggeration in her feelings, and fortunately, she lives in an era with many options to choose from rather than the last and final resort.

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Sharn wished I had written a letter to her, and even better, one for every birthday, but she knew I was not in that headspace at the time. Receiving the Coroner's Report was a blessing to Sharn. For the first time she had a copy of my own written words, saying, and I emphasise this – how much I love her and did not want to leave her. This was a question that always plagued Sharn throughout her childhood, whether she was loveable. Sharn could not comprehend how a mother who loved her daughter could leave her, but it wasn’t about Sharn, it was more involved than that and Sharn, as an adult, knows that. Sharn looks back at John and my lives, our upbringing, the way people lived in the 1960s, the lack of support networks provided by government and communities, things that happened to us and the way we each felt and dealt with life. It was fairly easy for her to see how our marriage disintegrated, as we both had our own significant issues. Today, I would have been on effective medication to help me with depression, like Sharn. I could have had counselling to assist with my lack of self-esteem and trust issues. We both certainly could have done with couples' counselling, and then if that did not work, we could have gotten a divorce, knowing there are support networks around where John and I could share parenthood even if living apart. Sharn told Drew she is glad that she did not have parents always fighting in front of her. “Divorce would be a better option, than the discomfort and fear of watching parents not getting along.” “I was lucky to have a pretty normal childhood with brothers and sisters and growing up with two loving parents. They barely fought in front of us. They were happy together.” Drew said. John needed to be more disciplined in balancing his own work, social and home life. Today, he would not have been able to do the drink driving that he did back then, and he and Sharn may have had grief counselling.

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It was definitely a mistake to isolate me from family and friends in the middle of nowhere. It may have been better for us to have divorced and shared custody, but that was not an easy option in the 1960s. I am still unable to penetrate the barrier that exists between myself and my daughter. My decision so long ago has changed her life completely. Even though she has Drew, she still has problems loving and trusting fully. Images flash through my mind, haunting me of how Sharn’s life would have turned out if I had not made that decision, then on top of that I did not even write a letter to my daughter telling her how much I loved her. She was too young to remember our time together and has struggled all her life, unable to understand why a mother left her child if she loved her. I can see Sharn understands my state of mind and reason for suicide all those years ago but that does not fix the damage I caused in her early life which has caused Sharn to grow up suffering her own insecurities and depression. She eventually learnt it had nothing to do with her, but that was a lengthy journey of discovery that she should not have had to take. Apart from not taking my own life, even if I died young, it would have helped Sharn to have evidence and reassurance of my love earlier in her life, preferably not found in a coroner's report. What have I done to her?

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Chapter 18 Drew and Sharn both found part time work in nearby Kiama. Sharn ended up getting work as a domestic carer, going from home to home doing housework, cooking, showering and other chores for the elderly based on her disability support qualifications. Drew was able to find employment again in the construction industry driving different vehicles. Their time off was spent exploring their new surroundings and enjoying their new life together. There were many nearby places to see. In summer, they explored their seaside town of Kiama, having breakfast at the many alfresco cafes, walks on the sandy beaches in the early mornings, watching the sky change colours as the sun prepared to rise above the horizon and the clouds took on reflected colours and silver linings and early swims in the cleansing, salt water. Minnamurra Falls was nearby and the couple took a picnic lunch to the Budderoo National Park. The picnic area was a peaceful riverside spot where they ate their lunch after doing the loop walk through the rainforest. After lunch they did the falls walk through the rainforest, viewing the waterfall and canyon from several viewing platforms. Other weekends Drew taught Sharn to ride a Malibu surfboard on small, long rolling waves at Seven Mile beach and they explored the nearby town of Gerringong. They both learnt to scuba dive at Huskisson and explored the area around Nowra and Jervis Bay, finding the tranquil bay of Green Patch with its calm blue green waters and sandy beach, as well as Callala Bay, Callala Beach and Culburra. They had friends at Sussex Inlet and skied on St Georges Basin. Sharn surprised Drew when she applied for her boat license. Sharn loved water-skiing. She remembered in her early 20s taking lessons at Hen and Chicken Bay at Five Dock, after work. Probably not the best time or location with sharks in the harbour and a good reason not to fall off. Then she and her best friend from school, Mandy, had a week's camp at Wiseman's Ferry. Sharn and Mandy progressed to using one ski instead of two. There

Jaimewrenauthor.com 131 Rose’s Legacy was a great government group that had these activities and she and Mandy tried bushwalking, abseiling and windsurfing as part of their activities, apart from the water- skiing. In winter, Drew and Sharn cycled from Kiama to Jamberoo, up to Albion Park, Shellharbour, around Lake Illawarra and beachside bike paths to Wollongong. As Sharn developed fitness again she was able to ride up all the hills. They also did the Sydney to Wollongong organised bike ride and an organised ride from Wahroonga to Gosford on the old Pacific Highway. She liked doing these things with Drew, there was no hurry or race in their cycling, it was just pleasurable and she developed a sense of achievement, especially with Drew's encouragement. They spent time at the water theme park at Jamberoo, enjoying the wave pool, going up the hill on the chairlift taking in wonderful views of the lush landscape and riding the bobsled to the bottom followed by a picnic lunch at Billabong Beach within the complex. The couple took motorbike rides, heading north stopping at the Cascade Falls and up the Macquarie Pass taking in the sights, sounds and smells of the rainforest and eucalyptus forest towards the Illawarra escarpment, on to Robinson where they stopped for a peas and mash pie, then the southern highlands and on to Fitzroy Falls, stopping to walk out on the boardwalk to the lookout taking in the scenic panorama and the cascading waterfall before heading on to Kangaroo Valley, crossing the old Medieval, fort like suspension bridge to the township. The Hampton Bridge was used by a Cobb & Co service in its day. They continued south and wound their way down Moss Vale Road to the Princes Highway and north to the quaint town of Berry where they stopped for lunch and strolled the streets window shopping. She refrained from telling her father about their motorbike rides but he knew Drew had a bike. She didn't want him to worry. Another time they found a quiet picnic spot by the shallow clear flowing water of the Kangaroo River where they hired kayaks for the day.

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Drew and Sharn took trips south along the coast, exploring beautiful seaside towns of Mollymook and Bateman's Bay and further south to the area of Sharn's ancestors, rural Bega and coastal Twofold Bay, Tathra and Eden, a whaling port. They usually had their dogs with them for overnight trips in the car and camped at caravan parks or hidden oasis. The years progressed in their happy cocoon and they often saw their family and spent many weekends at home. There was the annual show, many market days, a festival and rodeo. The couple went to various picnic races. They dressed in their good cloths, with Drew wearing a hat and Sharn, a fascinator to match her dress. It was a chance for the country people to glam up and enjoy a day out, drinking champagne and eating hors d'oeuvres and other mouth watering foods in whatever company tent they were invited to attend. The couple mingled and walked to the fence as the horses and jockey's went into the mounting yard and Sharn chose her horse by looks and Drew studied the booklet then placed their bets and watched the race, cheering for their horse to win. A big day in Australia in November each year was the Melbourne Cup. 2005 was no different with the running of the 145th Melbourne Cup held Tuesday 1 November, 3pm. The couple, having an unofficial day off work, as many Australian’s do, attended a local race meeting for the occasion at Kembla Grange. They both placed bets in each race and Drew managed a win in the Melbourne Cup Race Day Maiden Handicap with 6. Lark in the Dark. In the eight local races, Drew had more luck with a few placings and two wins with Picaro and Golden Drake. Like the rest of the Nation, they watched the Cup on a big screen at the track. Trainer Lee Freedman's Makybe Diva was racing with jockey Glenn Boss, hard to beat. Sharn and Drew placed their bets then watched the big race.

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As the horses left the straight, round the turn and along the back straight Sharn's choice, No. 17 Umbula was leading and going well until it was swamped by other riders at 1100m left to go. As they came to the turn Umbula was third then slipped back to fourth. Her other horse, Lachlan River was in the running coming 4th at 100m left to go. In the final run No.1 Makybe Diva came through, second No. 16, On a Jeune followed by Xcellent and Leica Falcon. Makybe Diva won her 3rd successive cup, aged 7. Second was On a Jeune, an Australian horse and Xcellent, a New Zealand horse. Sharn’s horse Lachlan River came 5th. Surprisingly it was a New Zealand horse. Her other horse, Umbula, came 20th. Drew backed Makybe Diva which won in a time of 3 minutes 18. One second in front of the second placing. So he came out with a win, although at low odds, being a favourite. He placed his bet with a bookmaker at the track at $4.20.

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Chapter 19 I was happy for my daughter. Drew was her best friend. Her female friends and family lived hours away. She knew people in the town and met people at work but they were more of the acquaintance variety. Although she did grow very fond of one female client, Bev. Bev had cancer and Sharn helped her out each week, doing her housework for her. Following her work, if she didn't have another client to go to, Sharn sat with Bev and they talked and formed a close bond. With her death Sharn suffered a personal setback. The death affected her deeply and she was unable to continue working. She struggled to get out of bed of a morning. I remember what it felt like when I was alive, how simple things were difficult to do. This recent death brought up deep seated aspects of my death which my daughter had never dealt with. Drew was a blessing, understanding and helpful, cooking, shopping and doing other chores Sharn was unable to do. I felt for our daughter but couldn’t help her. Sharn eventually applied for the disability support pension. Without work Sharn floundered. She needed to find new ways to occupy her days. It was a learning curve in how to fill her days. Her face always lit up when Drew returned from work each day and she went to greet him. As it turned out, not working was a blessing. Again, life happened as it was meant to be when you do not interfere, like I did! Sharn began having a six week stay at home and a four week stay with John who was getting older. She spoke to Drew about this. “I know it isn’t ideal but Dad needs me more now and this is a compromise from moving up there.” “I understand your father is your responsibility but we will miss you.” “I will miss you too.

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“There is only you to look after your father and if you need to stay there, we can move.” On these trips she always took her dog with her, her elderly cat had passed away, which was very distressing. Her dog was a connection to home and added companion. Pets were her children in the absence of the two-legged variety. I knew my daughter was in turmoil, she missed Drew but they spoke regularly and John did need her. Drew still had their other dog and they had another cat. He had made some good friends since they moved. After a year of commuting, Sharn took her father to her home for three months while she and Drew packed it up to sell. Drew organised the sale while Sharn returned to the north coast with her father and found a home for them to buy. Drew sold their home and relocated to a home in the town John lived in and found a job as there was a lot of road construction with the new highway being built in stages from Sydney to Brisbane. Sharn brightened when her family moved closer and I knew she was missing them, torn in her priorities. They were reunited without all the travel. John always got agitated when our daughter did those long miles, he feared for her safety and breathed a sigh of relief when she arrived. His face visibly relaxed. Whenever they went anywhere Drew still held Sharn's hand which was sweet. They liked exploring the countryside and went to the beach. I was always happiest when Sharn was happy. Sharn was overly impulsive at times, while Drew was the calming voice of reason. They were best mates. They had their routines, and what they called fur family time. Sharn was very much like myself regarding animals. The couple were content. They didn’t plan their future, they just looked forward to a future together.

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My daughter still had issues from the trauma we caused her when she was young, and Drew was a very sensitive person, not totally sure of himself either. They both had their issues, but overall, they were there for each other. The couple spend a few years at their new location, Sharn was still staying with John until he had to go into a nursing home because of dementia and other issues. Sharn visited him daily but moved back home with Drew and their pets. They were both busy during the week with Drew working and Sharn spending time with her father but they made the most of weekends, doing local walks, going to the beach and exploring the mid north coast. The couple found many places to explore including north to Woolgoolga, and the estuary at Red Rock. There was plenty to see and do at Coffs Harbour and Port Macquarie. They took day trips up the mountains from Bellingen, after morning tea at the Butter Factory, by the river, up to Dorrigo and Ebor Falls. Other trips were to Trail Bay gaol and South West Rocks and inland up the Oxley Highway. Scotts Head was a beautiful destination with one beach, a surf beach, and the other was a very long, sheltered beach where they could walk north for miles. There were mosaic works and a platform to climb up to and watch surfers or look for dolphins and whales during their migrating seasons. The big sheltered beach reminded them of Green Patch down south, east of Nowra. They visited Macksville, on the Nambucca River, went to the Bowraville races and visited the chocolate shop there. In Nambucca Heads they had lunch at the RSL with a panoramic view of the river. Another time they went to the Jacaranda festival in Grafton. They strolled around many Saturday morning markets and generally enjoyed their time together. Until things changed in 2017.

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Chapter 20 It was 2017, the year the flu was taking lives. Drew was never really sick and rarely went to the doctors but he said he was unwell at times but eventually recovered. It was the winter of 2017 when he became really ill but did not go to a doctor. Sharn thought, if it was a cold, it would run its course in two weeks. Yet despite Drew being off his food and being unwell he still didn't go to a doctor and continued with a semi normal routine and Sharn thought it mustn't have been too severe as she knew when she was sick, she was bedridden and feeling sorry for herself. Apparently, Drew came in contact with someone who had the flu and with his decreased immune system, and he used to be a smoker, he became very unwell. “Have you got any of your father's asthma medication? I am having trouble breathing.” “No I haven’t. What about putting your head over a bowl of steam?” “I will give it a go.” “Are you sure you are not hungry. You haven’t eaten much at all lately.” “Yes, I am sure. I will try the steam.” When he finished, without success, Sharn took one look at his face and rang an ambulance. Drew was not keen on doctors and particularly hospitals and was hoping the ambulance would come, give him something and go, but that was not to be. They put him on oxygen and took him to a local hospital at 9pm. Unfortunately, the breathing machine used for emphysema patients, at that hospital, was being used so he was later transferred to a nearby regional hospital by ambulance. Sharn asked if he wanted her to go with him but he said, “there is nothing you can do, so go home.” At 1am Friday morning, 1 September 2017, after Drew was loaded into the ambulance, she made her way home and attempted to sleep. In the morning she fed the pets and visited her father in the nursing home before going to the larger hospital.

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When she arrived, Drew had been on a breathing machine but his breathing was very laboured and the doctors wanted to insert a tube to breathe for him so he could get some rest. Drew hadn't slept at all that night and was still in emergency as there were no available beds in the Intensive Care Unit where he needed to be. The hospital rang around to other hospitals to see if they could fit him in and there was a vacancy at Lismore so he was to be flown in the Westpac helicopter to Lismore later that day but first they were going to insert the breathing tube. The doctor told Sharn and Drew, “there is a chance you will not wake up.” This stunned Sharn and tears pricked her eyes as she held Drew’s hand tighter. Because he was on a noisy machine she spoke in his ear. “I love you and you love me too,” she said. Drew nodded vigorously when she said he loved her too. He couldn’t speak while on the machine. Sharn stayed by his side and they held each other's hand tightly until they were ready to put him under and insert the tube. He definitely needed a rest from the laboured breathing and in time he wrote on a note “hurry up". Drew was not a patient person at times and he wanted the help to breathe, despite the risks. Sharn was very concerned about his condition and contacted his son and daughter. His son, Michael, lived fairly close and left immediately for the hospital. It was rare that Drew was sick and to be in hospital was major for him. “Michael is on his way, Drew.” Drew nodded. The doctors were finally ready to insert the tube and Sharn needed to reluctantly leave his side. Her words to him as she left were, “see you when you wake up.” Michael arrived two minutes after Sharn left the room and was unable to see Drew before he was put under. Sharn and Michael, sat in the courtyard and made calls to family and Sharn needed to arrange a pet sitter for when she would be away at Lismore.

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They were allowed back in to emergency and Drew was being prepared for the helicopter journey so they stood back and watched the activity around his resting form. Sharn saw the look of shock on Michael’s face seeing his father so vulnerable. When Drew was wheeled out Sharn went to the helicopter pad and watched as he was loaded in and the helicopter prepared for take-off. Sharn cried as she watched the helicopter rotor blades begin their rotation until it finally lifted from the ground in a thumping of its blades as it moved higher and further away until it became a dot in the sky, carrying her beloved Drew. Michael was a godsend for Sharn, as he co-ordinated Drew’s family's travel. Linda and Drew’s siblings made the trip from Sydney. Drew’s mother was too old and frail to make the trip let alone being told that her son was gravely ill. They hoped they could give her good news in a couple of days. Sharn returned home for the night to arrange a pet sitter and see her father before driving to Lismore the next morning.

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Chapter 21

The next day, the day before fathers’ day in September 2017, Sharn went to visit John before going away to be with Drew. It was the first time she would not visit her father, except when she had a bad cold and could not visit for two weeks. She was grateful her uncle lived nearby and visited his brother daily also. “Hello Dad, happy fathers’ day” Sharn said as she entered his room. She kissed him hello and set up her gift which was a light with fake fish floating in water. John and Sharn were always close and John knew he made mistakes and tried to make up for it as he aged and they grew closer with each passing year. When Sharn was young he was too focussed on his own grief and guilt about my death and even when I was alive, he had his priorities all wrong, he drank too much and wasted money on drinking, smoking and gambling. He was determined to provide for his family yet spent a lot of money before it even reached home. He should have spent more time at home, at least come home for tea but he couldn’t see how important that was to us. Eventually with Sharn, he resolved he could not change the past but he could be there for her in the future and I am very grateful he has done so. Sharn sat with John for a while, “I have to go away for a few days, Dad, Drew is in hospital. I love you.” She kissed him, “I love you too,” he replied. Again as she was walking out, “love you Dad.” “Love you.” He said looking at her. On Sharn’s journey to see Drew she thought about her relationship with her father.

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When Sharn was young she knew she and her father were trying to deal with life without me and John needed to continue working but he did not know how greatly his leaving her in the city affected her and the implications it would have on her future. While her cousins grew up in normal father, mother, sibling families in a stable home, Sharn moved around a lot and was never sure John would return to her, causing abandonment issues, since I had abandoned her also. She was so traumatised by his leaving after each visit the effects stayed with her and she was unable to let herself get close to men and become vulnerable to hurt. Scared of being abandoned by those she loved. She so very much wanted to be loved and cared for but sabotaged relationships as she got closer and relationships failed because of her fear of getting too close. Then came Drew. Drew was laid back and did not put any pressure on Sharn, he let her be herself and that is why she could stay with him and she slowly got closer. She dreaded loosing her father to death in the not to distant future but now what was going to happen with Drew. Sharn was concerned that she may lose him too, something she had been avoiding all her life.

Lismore, arriving early afternoon, Saturday, Drew’s family were making accommodation arrangements so Sharn only needed to concern herself with Drew. When she arrived at the ICU, he was lying in a corner bed with windows on two sides and a dedicated nurse by his side. He had machines and tubes around him and connected to him monitoring all his vitals and helping him breathe, feeding him drugs and fluids. The nurses were very efficient and helpful, answering questions about his condition and what different things were used for. Drew's three siblings and adult children arrived that afternoon and the next day, being Sunday, the doctor would not be able to tell them anything until Monday.

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On Monday, an official work day, the doctors pulled no punches and said Drew’s condition was serious. There was no reason Drew couldn’t wake up now as he was not under sedatives. The longer he stayed under the less positive the outlook. They were very lucky to be at Lismore as a visiting world re-known ICU specialist was there. Each day the doctor's updates did not show progress in Drew’s recovery. One doctor was particularly harsh. “Drew is no longer under sedation and can wake up and the longer he remains ‘under' the more chance he will be disabled with brain damage most likely a vegetable.” They all knew Drew and that was not how he would want to live his life. Sharn lived on hope and prayers during that week and sat by his bed talking to him, pleading for him to wake up and asking the nurse how things were. Sharn's friend went through a similar experience where her partner was in a coma for three months then he did wake up, eventually, with partial impairment. He was healthier than Drew and carried more weight. So Sharn took hope from her friend's experience. They had been in Lismore for a week and a half and there was no improvement and more complications. Drew was still on the course of antibiotics but then he got sepsis and his organs started shutting down which was also a recipe for more brain damage. The machines were breathing for him and his blood pressure was stabilised. The doctors advised of an unlikely recovery and it was time to think about taking him off the machines. They tried dialysis to get the kidneys working again but still the outlook was bleak and his blood pressure could not support itself. Of a night, my daughter cried and pleaded with God to bring him back to her. My heart was breaking for my daughter and I was powerless to do anything to help her. Sharn told Drew’s sister about a dream she had on the Wednesday night, seven days on.

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“I was telling Drew all the ways I would help him if he came back and needed dialysis and assist with other things he may not be able to do depending on the brain damage and Drew pleaded with me to let him go.” Drew’s sister said she had a similar dream that night. “He was on a game show and had to say the most prominent word in his thoughts and his word was: Enough.”

“I think he is telling us what he wants.” “Yes, I believe he is, whether we want the same or not.” The Thursday was 7 September and Sharn’s girlfriend rang. “How are things with Drew, Sharn?” “Not good. The doctors want to turn the machines off.” “Sorry to hear that. I know what you are going through.” Yes, I know, that is why I have asked you so much since you have been through it but you had a better outcome.” “My grandchild was born this morning, a boy.” “Congratulations, granny!” Sharn knew she hated that term! With death there is also new life. Drew wanted Sharn and his family to let him go that day but still my daughter held on with hope. It was decided if there was no change then the machines would be turned off on Saturday. Sharn and his siblings were confident in the experience and expertise of the visiting specialist, that he knew his job, and knew what was best. “When machines were turned off then if he wakes up or not, then it is meant to be, I believe.” This is what Sharn believed. Friday came around with no change and my heart was breaking for my daughter as she pleaded with Drew to wake up before it was too late. She wanted to stay by his

Jaimewrenauthor.com 144 Rose’s Legacy bedside that night to make the most of time with him but the nurse said, “Once the machines are turned off, he could linger for an indefinite time and you need to get sleep before then.” Reluctantly Sharn went back to their accommodation and again desperately pleaded with God to save him. The next morning there was still no change which was confirmed by the specialist and the machines were to be turned off. Each family member went in to see him before going back out to the waiting room. Sharn, Linda and Michael stayed while the nurse administered morphine and disconnected the machines. Once everything was removed, Sharn stood by her partner and best friend of fifteen years, holding his hand and stroking his forehead as he continued to breathe but his blood pressure did not hold and slowly faded. He was disconnected from all machines by noon, Saturday, 9 September 2017 and I wanted to comfort my daughter as his life drain from his face until there was no pulse and he had passed away by 1215pm, aged 55.

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Chapter 22 The Drew Sharn knew was no more. All that lie in the bed was a shell of the body that had held the Drew she loved. To never see those beautiful blue eyes or his smile, his conversation, his company and love. Gone! It was like his life was in his spirit that lived in his human shell, now free of its confines but that did not help Sharn as she walked from the ICU in tears. She later sent a photo to the ICU of Drew when he was well, as they had not known that person. She kept a locket of his beautiful hair.

Most of Sharn’s difficulties centred around relationships which was directly the result of my death and John’s absences. I knew what was wrong with our daughter but could not help her heal. She was fearful of being abandoned again and the hurt it caused her as a child and could not let herself grow close to people or trust men. Drew was an exception. She had grown close and she had lost him and coped exceedingly well but she could not see that she is capable. The child she was will not let her enter relationships that may end in loss and Drew’s death reinforced her losses yet she cannot see she is coping well. It was cruel to see and not be able to tell her she was very strong and capable of moving on.

Drew’s family were anxious about telling their mother the devastating news and there was no doubt his funeral would be held in Sydney so his mother could attend, if she could. That night at home, without Drew there, Sharn slept in their empty bed. The next morning, she woke without Drew. “Why me,” she asked, feeling sorry for herself with her body glued to the bed, finding no reason to get up, and the reasons to move forward became unclear. It was

Jaimewrenauthor.com 146 Rose’s Legacy obvious life was not letting her reach her goal of a happy ever after ending, that was only in fairy tales by the look of it. 2017 turned into a tragic year for Sharn. Just when her life was perfect. She reached her goals and found her soulmate then this. She wrote in a journal: “11 September, 2017 Dear Drew, Why did you leave me? What do I do now without you? I am floundering, lost in my grief because you are not with me. Our daily rhythm is no more. No more interactions with you, the love of my life and soulmate. I wake of a morning and realise you are not beside me and my heart aches as I look at the place where your body lay as you slumbered beside me. I close my eyes and imagine you there, but when I open them, you are not. I no longer feel excitement in anticipation at 4.00pm when you were going to walk through the door after a day at work and we then talked about our day, prepared dinner and relaxed with each other. I am here without you. I wish you would come home to me again. I gaze at the door willing you to walk in again but know deep down that you won't. What do I have to get up for? Love Sharn”

I pictured if I had written letters to my daughter and realised the difference one of my letters would have made to her at this time. Sharn would have remembered the letters and the words “always move forward.” She would have forced herself out of bed to find the box of letters I wrote and read them again to give her strength, but I hadn’t written the letters to help my daughter through her life, instead she struggled on her own.

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Sharn realised her father and pets still needed her, then she thought about how Drew's mother took the news. By now she would know. Drew’s sister rang her later in the day, “We have another battle on our hands. The news caused mum great distress, as you would imagine, and she was taken to hospital.” “Let me know how she is when you have time. Give her my love.” “I will, take care.” “You too. Bye.” So began her slow journey forward but forward was good.

Drew’s mother came close to death's door. Drew’s siblings and children arranged his funeral in Sydney while Sharn continued her visits to see her father. I felt for my husband and daughter. John feared getting dementia and Sharn feared losing loved ones. I am glad for both of them that John hasn’t forgotten who Sharn is. She would be devastated, on top of everything else!

Sharn made an overnight trip to Sydney for Drew’s dignified service at the crematorium on 15 September. Drew would have been proud of his farewell service. He lay within a rosewood coffin, adorned by a cross and a colourful native flower arrangement on top, along with a collage of photos of his fur family and Sharn and another of his children and grandchildren. Sharn was supported by her aunty and uncle and Drew's family and friends. His mother remained in hospital unable to attend and his friends had travelled a long way to be there. If only I could be there for my daughter. Sharn was on her own without her mother or father’s support. Poor John, he knew something was upsetting our daughter.

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I wish I could tell Sharn I met Drew briefly on his way through and found him as nice has he had always been and I thanked him for looking after her for us. He couldn’t stay long with me; he was on his own journey and had people waiting for him.

In the days that followed, Sharn went through the motions of daily life, having to tend to her pets and visit her father and do mundane chores such as preparing meals for herself and sorting out Drew's paperwork and probate. All these meaningless jobs got her through one day at a time. It was hard to imagine he would never walk through the door again or sit at the table, or in his television recliner. She was thankful for the love of her pets and she still had her father. She displayed photos and created a calendar for the year ahead, featuring Drew for each month's photo. She found a few good photos of Drew before their time together. She also created a special garden in his name. Sharn found it comforting to write of her activities to Drew: Monday 25 September, 2017 “Dear Drew, I am still lost! I have felt I have no purpose in life. When you were here, we had each other and the future. Now it is just me! I can live day by day but the future is empty. I am still responsible for the house and our pets and dad. Sure, I could take on volunteer work but I have done all that and cannot bring myself to reach out beyond seeing to dad. I can live in the present and focus on myself but that seems selfish. My future died with you! Yes, I have had thoughts of ending my life but cannot leave my responsibilities as my pets and father need me. Thinking it and doing it are miles apart in my mind. Love Sharn”

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27 September, 2017 “Dear Drew, Still unbelievable! Routine is kicking in and helping. Reading light hearted books is also helping. Dad's place sold today and I am making enquiries to sell your precious motorbikes, first offering them to your best friend. It was a productive day sorting out paperwork for dad. Your sisters rang to check on me and said your mum was still in hospital. My friends and family are also checking on me and I visited dad for three hours and made a double story home for our rabbit and more chores done. Love Sharn” 29 September, 2017 “Dear Drew, A slow start today, Friday. I managed to get motivated by 1pm but at least it was a step forward. Got a new tap installed by the carport to water the garden out front. I bought some amethyst which is good for intuition as I am desperate to be in contact with you. Amethyst protects against negative energy by promoting peace, spiritual wisdom and psychic abilities. It is a stone of spirituality and contentment, giving stability, strength, invigoration and inner peace. Great for meditation and reduces stress. A healing stone. Also got some lavender for the diffuser as I am sure the animals are feeling my stress and their own with the changes without you around. “Spirit teach me quiet For it is in stillness I hear your voice.” I wish! I was reading Sensing Spirit by Michael Combs:

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“Love and guidance abounds in the afterlife. For divine help all you need to do is ask. Remember your departed loved ones are never too far away. When we think of our loved ones, we can feel their presence. They hear our call through our thoughts. Focus on your senses, close your eyes and allow yourself to feel.”

This is comforting but I do not feel you close. Your mum has only got 8% kidney function. Your death has hit her hard and your siblings hope she hasn't given up the will to live. Love Sharn" 1 October, 2017 “Dear Drew, Today is one month since we spoke and you went to sleep. Love Sharn” 2 October, 2017 “Dear Drew, Rainy day today, am snuggling at home with pets. Your mum ate a bit today and talking, but no improvement in her kidney function. Your cremated remains are ready for pickup. I will get a mate of yours to pick you up on his trip north. Love Sharn” 4 October, 2017 “Dear Drew, I have been looking at cards you have given me during our 15 years together and you always signed it LOVE ALWAYS. Which to me, now, is significant. You even wrote on the flap of an envelope: “I will always love you, even after I die”

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Did you know you were to live a short life? Is that why you lived in the present and didn't plan ahead? I miss our shared jokes and laughs about our pets and our jokes when we didn't feel like doing things, we said: “We have forever!” Little did I know! Love Always, Sharn” 7 October, 2017 “Dear Drew This week I have been reliving last month. Today is a month since the birth of my friend's grandson. I think of him as the new life in your absence as he was born on the day you wanted us to let you go, via our dreams, a month ago. Love Sharn” Drew’s ashes were eventually returned to Sharn and it was difficult for her to comprehend the box contained her Drew but not his essence, just his shell. The nine day turn around with Drew’s illness was a shock to her system. She could not prepare for his loss. She still wanted to be in contact with him, and wanted to feel his spirit around her. 9 October, 2017 “Dear Drew, Today is one month since I lost you and I recall the events of the day. I am trying to work out what to write on your plaque. How do I summarise our love, and your life in a few words? Still desperately missing you. Love Always, Sharn” 10 October, 2017 “Dear Drew,

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Slowly your assets are finding new homes. Two of our dogs are squabbling over top dog status, which was your place but I need to show I am now the top dog in our pack. Love Always, Sharn” 17 October, 2017 “Dear Drew, Your son called in today. I have given him some of your things I am sure you want him to have them. Love Always, Sharn” 21 October, 2017 “Dear Drew, Your death certificate arrived. Cause of death: sepsis and multiple organ failure, staph, pneumonia and influenza. I have been running around to cancel your license, Medicare, tax return and other official sources. I had pizza tonight and thought of you! Love Always, Sharn” 27 October, 2017 “Dear Drew, I had upsetting news today. Dad is at stage 6, palliative, with pain management which means he will pass away within six months. This devastated me and I broke into tears. I did not realise he only had six more months maximum. Mind you, he has no quality of life anymore and is in constant pain and probably confusion. Love Always, Sharn” 11 November, 2017 “Dear Drew, You arrived home today. Your mate, Tony, picked up your ashes from Sydney. It is hard to believe you are within the container. Tony is looking much older.

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Love Always, Sharn” 17 November, 2017 “Dear Drew, I went to see a clairvoyant today. He was very accurate in describing us. He said I didn't let people in but I let you into my love. He said a one-year event is coming to an end and I thought that it might be a year since I was able to take dad out for a few hours from the nursing home when he could no longer walk around. The clairvoyant said you will let me know when you are healed on the other side and become free and that I will probably stay in our home, my sanctuary for a long time. I don't know if the reading helped me or not but I have felt you around lately and seeing signs such as number plates with your initials. Love Always, Sharn” Sharn found it hard to be at home without Drew and tried to keep busy. She was scared of being on her own. It wasn’t until much later she found comfort at being at home and didn’t need to keep so busy. She was still visiting John daily.

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JOHN Chapter 23 John retired early on the disability pension for his back, and moved from the city. This required another adjustment for Sharn, not seeing her father so easily. As John aged, Sharn studied disability work and volunteered in the industry with peer support and visiting the elderly while she lived and worked in Sydney. Though they lived many hours apart, they visited each other for Christmas and birthdays as their birthdays were within a week of each other. Sharn also tried to visit her father on Father's Day. They spoke at least once a week by telephone and by email. John was keen to learn about computers and learnt quickly, making email a possibility even as he grew older. John was there for Sharn, as an adult, and often helped with renovating the homes she bought and offered sound advice when needed. Sharn made the change to the south coast with Drew and her father visited a couple of times a year and they made the trip north at least once a year. Her father eventually moved across to the coast as the weather was milder for his arthritis in his 60s. When Sharn finished working her father was 75 and she was able to visit John more frequently. I was very pleased to see John mobile enough to go on a holiday with Sharn. They had a three-week rail holiday for some quality time together touring the Queensland coastline and islands. It was time well spent and my heart sang to see them enjoying life together. When Sharn finished working and went on the disability pension for clinical depression she started travelling and staying with John which he appreciated as he aged. John worried about her driving the long distances but breathed a sigh of relief when she arrived.

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Sharn stayed six weeks at home with Drew and four weeks visiting her father. She stayed longer if John was having more surgery and recuperation. Sharn continued these trips for a year then Drew decided it was time for him to move north as they missed each other too much and he understood Sharn, being an only child, had to care for her father. I felt a swelling of my heart, pleased to see how responsible she was and how supportive Drew was. Over the years John, like myself, watched our daughter go through failed relationships and we were not sure if she would settle down in marriage as relationships didn’t go well for her. Of course, I knew what was wrong but I was still unable to help her. She knew some nice men and then she chose some that John did not like but he could not say anything as she would not listen and needed to find out on her own, which she usually did. John regretted he could not walk proud and tall down the aisle with our daughter for her to marry a loving man and have her own family. He also missed the opportunity to spoil grandchildren. He wanted someone to look after Sharn, but he was also pleased with her independence. She seemed happy with the life she was dealt, but John was relieved she had found Drew. He wanted her to have someone when he was gone. He didn’t know that wasn’t to be. Sharn didn’t seem to stress about not having children once she had her own pets. Something she got from me. Pets were so unconditionally loving, with no expectations that humans had. John saw me in our daughter, especially some facial expressions and mannerisms. As time progressed, father and daughter mended past hurts and were there for each other, growing closer. John worried about Sharn when his time came to leave. He was ready with the dementia getting worse and the constant pain. Sharn did what she could to keep him at home along with home services.

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For her father's 80th birthday, Sharn organised a special birthday for him. Earlier in the year, she nearly lost him due to an ulcer bleed requiring seven blood transfusions. Luckily, she was with him when he collapsed and was taken to hospital before the major bleed. After his 80th birthday John started showing mild signs of dementia. A further operation left him with nerve damage in one foot but at least he was not in as much chronic pain from his back issues. As time went on and the signs of dementia got worse, Sharn decided she needed to be full time with John and home services helped. Sharn looked after her father before he went into a nursing home when the dementia made it difficult for him to remain at home on his own. When John moved into the nursing home was another turning point which was hard for my husband and daughter to handle but they both adjusted and Sharn made daily visits to take her father out for drives or spend time with him there until he could no longer walk. Even though Sharn did not want to lose her father, something she has feared since she was four and I left them, John developed painful sores on his heals, not helped by his poor circulation from years of smoking which he gave up in the 1980s. John was unable to walk and suffered intense pain in his feet and his continuing back pain, along with the dementia. It was hard on Sharn to watch his decline and pain but I was proud of her strength, as her father’s quality of life deteriorated. I am very pleased my husband never forgot who his daughter was throughout his dementia. At times he called her by name or introduce her as his daughter and always recognised her when she arrived. Now in his mid-80s I know John is ready to leave and finally join me. I have waited many years for our reunion.

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Following Drew’s death, Sharn returned home and told John the news. She wasn’t sure if John understood but I know that he knew something drastic had happened in our daughter’s life. She continued visiting John daily, while coming to terms with Drew’s sudden death which hit her hard. I felt for Sharn but was frustrated I could not comfort her.

24 November, 2017, Sharn’s father passed away and she had to get her head and heart around the double loss of the two most significant people in her life.

“Dear Drew, Another devastation! Dad passed away today. I saw him yesterday and he was between bouts of pneumonia and should have stayed on antibiotics as it flared up again and the nursing home rang me last night at 9pm for instructions. Dad only had 83% oxygen, his breathing gurgled and his colour was not good. I knew his quality of life was gone. Dad could have gone to the hospital but with dementia it would have been very confusing. I hung up and consulted his brother. It was too big a decision for one person but I suggested dad be put on oxygen and dad’s brother, Ken, agreed. I rang the nursing home and they said they could connect oxygen there without the need for hospital which was good. I locked up the house and went to be with dad, taking one of my dogs with me. I sat by his bed holding his hand and talking to him but the oxygen machine was loud. He looked directly to me and held my hand, so I knew he recognised me. I hope he wasn't scared. Dad dosed on and off and I made myself comfortable on the floor and dosed, still holding his hand through the night. His temperature got better and oxygen over 90%. At about 3am the staff wanted to roll him and freshen him up and I left the room, returning when they finished but dad did not look as comfortable and his temperature

Jaimewrenauthor.com 158 Rose’s Legacy was up. He was awake for a time and we both dosed. At sunrise I thought the worse had past and went home to see to the pets, intending to return later in the morning and see the doctor. Dad was sleeping so I did not wake him. When I got home, at 6am I rang my uncle, Ken, to say dad was still with us. At 7.50am the phone rang and Uncle Ken said, “he's gone". That is what I said to him when you went. Apparently, dad passed away five minutes before uncle Ken arrived. Maybe he didn't want us with him. I got his suit out of the cupboard, shoes, other clothing and a favourite tie and made my way back to the nursing home to say goodbye. When I arrived I went straight to dad, stroking his forehead which was still warm and then cried while Uncle Ken comforted me. He stayed with dad until I arrived and until he could get me to leave. We also arranged for the priest to come to administer the last of the sacraments. It was very hard to eventually walk out the door to leave dad behind but I had to think his essence had left and was free. Like yours. We said our goodbye's to dad and I cried again listening to Uncle Ken say goodbye to his brother and mate. He later walked me out. I was reluctant to leave, and I experienced overwhelming need to go to the beach. It was a beautiful sunny spring day. Maybe dad was there, free of his pain and dementia, revelling in the lightness of spirit. I walked along the beach crying and thinking of dad and you, both now free. I felt close to you both and felt you were happy. I made a few teary calls after I returned home. It is very hard to talk when my throat is constricted. Uncle Ken rang family, I rang friends. This was a Friday. I am truly lost and crying myself to sleep. I looked up pneumonia and I think dad was unconscious when he passed. I hate that no-one was with him. Your family rang me which was comforting. Love Always, Sharn”

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25 November, 2017 “Dear Drew, Uncle Ken and I had to go back to clear dad’s room. He was a great support. I am feeling very much like an orphan now with no parents or siblings around. It was hard going in and seeing the empty bed but we got through the ordeal. I try to stay strong during the day and let myself cry and remember, when I lay in bed. Sometimes my grief and crying hits out of the blue, any time of day. It is unpredictable. Love Always, Sharn” 27 November, 2017 “Dear Drew, Uncle Ken and I went to the funeral home today to arrange dad's funeral then made an appointment with a priest for a funeral mass prior to cremation. Dad would want that. I let Uncle Ken choose the coffin and we were agreeable with everything else. He took care of the wake arrangements. Dad's funeral will be 4 December as many people had to arrange travel. Losing dad is hard but loosing you was traumatic in its shock. With dad I was able to semi prepare. He was 85 and had a mostly good, full life. Your loss knocked the wind out of my sails! Love Always, Sharn" 1 December, 2017 “Dear Drew, This was a busy week, organising dad's funeral and paperwork. I put together his Mass booklet, choosing readings and readers, photos and the memorial card. The funeral directors were great. Crying myself to sleep while remembering, as I fear loosing my memories, that is all I have now. Missing you both.

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Love Always, Sharn"

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Chapter 24 Chief, Tiny and I were eager to welcome John after our 50-year separation where I have been in limbo; not with my family yet not able to help them! This is what they call purgatory! It has been so frustrating. When John’s spirit left his eighty-five-year-old body that he had been confined within while it slowly deteriorated over the years, he is finally free of his pain and dementia. As John left his earthly body he went by his daughter and his brothers and sisters before he reunited with me. I waited many long years for him to join me. I sincerely hope that together we can heal ourselves and our daughter and everyone can move on, free at last. I emanated radiance. Not like John last saw me on earth, but as I was when we married. To me, John looked handsome with his grey hair and his face was free of pain and confusion. His smile was radiant like my own as we embraced. We watched our daughter. Sharn handled herself well and went to say goodbye to John’s broken body. John was reluctant to leave but John’s brother was there for Sharn. She was in good hands. “Welcome, love. It has been a long time, 50 years to be exact, since I left. I am sorry I left you and Sharn, I was not seeing the world clearly and I unfairly accused you of doing things you did not. It was only after I left that I saw the error in what I did and its impact on you and Sharn. I am so sorry. I have not been able to walk into the light for all these years and Chief has stayed by my side.” “Hello Chief, Tiny.” John said as Chief and Tiny wagged their immortal tails, knowing him

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“I am sorry too, Rose, I did wrong by you and Sharn and now I too can see our mistakes while we were human and the damage we did to our child. Do you think we can heal her now?” “I haven’t been able to help Sharn on my own, and God knows I tried, but I was not strong enough. Together we might be able to help her, like we have never done before. I can feel more strength now with you here.” “I hope so Rose, but first I need to rescue my sister Anne who has lingered on earth too long in a vegetable-ish state.” They moved together to Anne as she passed and after farewelling her children, they all went to John’s funeral Mass which was to include Anne. Following the service Anne left with her husband who came for her and entered the light greeted by her muma, family and friends. John and I were not ready to go into the light until we healed our daughter. We stood together hands entwined with the pets at our feet and our aura’s glowed intense with our combined healing power.

☆

4 December, 2017 “Dear Drew, Family and friends have all arrived and attended the funeral Mass, but no-one is staying with me as I would rather grieve in private. The day of dad's funeral was sunny and my uncle and aunty picked me up. I wore a grey dress. Black is not always worn these days but I wore black to yours. When we arrived, the funeral car was empty and dad was inside the Church. We said hello to everyone and went inside where I went to say hello to dad and sat in the front pew with Uncle Ken and Aunty Doris.

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I was grateful to everyone who made the journey. As funeral Masses go, it was good and dad would have liked it. He had a colourful array of flowers on the coffin, which he would have loved and I chose a photo of him outdoors at the lookout I took 10 months earlier, the last time he was able to go out in the car. Another brother gave a good eulogy dad, with his voice breaking. I held it together, with my jaw tense, trying not to cry but cried walking out with the coffin. Dad’s brothers and nephews carried dad out. I said goodbye again before the car drove off and watching dad travel down the road and out of sight. The flowers were separated and made into lovely parcels for myself, family and also for the nursing home as we requested. It was nice to see everyone together and spend time with them at dad’s wake. I had previously given some of his home brew to his nephews and they brought some back to make a toast to dad, which was very thoughtful. Your brothers’ siblings made the long trip to be there which was appreciated. Love Always, Sharn” 10 December, 2017 “Dear Drew, I feel so lost. What is my purpose in life now? I have to find a reason to continue and my way forward. Our pets keep me going now because they still need me and I am moving forward in no man's land. I miss you both desperately. All my loved ones are on the other side. Love always, Sharn” 25 December, 2017 “Dear Drew, The first Christmas without you both. Without the most important and loved people in my life! I would rather let it pass and did not put up any decorations but I did go visit Uncle Ken and had lunch with dad's friends before returning home mid-afternoon.

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Love Always, Sharn”

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SHARN Finding purpose Chapter 25 Sharn had been trying to prepare herself for her father's death as he aged. She found it was a lot easier to deal with a grief she had prepared for, than the grief of losing her partner, which was so quick and a huge shock. She still missed them, but the initial pain of loss had different intensities. An important principle Sharn learnt through loss and grief is to know you have done your best for them and to mend any rifts. Following her double loss in 2017, Sharn still lived day to day and only planned ahead a week unless it was for a holiday. After losing her father and partner, she lost her sense of purpose and questioned what life was all about. Why are we here? The answer may not be this easy, but her answer is that we are here to grow to the best person we can be and from this, we reach out to others in love. Not hatred or selfishness. When things are out of her control, she hands them over to God, her parents, (or the universe) to do what he/she/they/it thinks best. It may not turn out as she wants and pleads for, but it might be meant to be a growing experience for her to learn from. Her abandonment and trust issues which were deeply ingrained lay dormant until next she is in another relationship. Then they will rear their ugly head again as she has not dealt with them fully through extensive counselling and self-change. She will need to do a lot of work and have a very understanding partner to get through her deep-seated issues. The strange thing is that Sharn has suffered losses as an adult and come through it, yet her inner child still fears the trauma. This is something, with John’s help and added strength, I want to heal before we move into the light.

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Since the death of her father, Sharn has found a new inner peace. Not from him dying, of course. Whether it was from us reuniting in heaven 50 years to the day of our separation and sending Sharn the love she always craved or that in the later years of her father’s life they healed together to a degree and patched their fractured lives after the years ravaged by grief. She wasn’t sure but she did know she felt different, at peace. This inner peace and love came from no longer needing to seek in others, the love and acceptance that she feels now from within. I hope John and I are finally healing our daughter. Giving her our love, we neglected when alive. In the meantime, she has the unconditional love of her fur family, self-security and loyal friends, and life generally became bearable. Overall, Sharn appreciates and loves both of us dearly and understands we were on their own difficult and parallel journeys. Although we are no longer present physically, she knows we are spiritually watching over her, reconciled in heaven .. almost. Sharn is still struggling with her two losses but something within has changed since her father’s death. ☆

Sharn began her journey of self-improvement through the 1980s to 90s reading many good books. Sharn was not a reader before she started work, but the long train commute to the city provided her with an excellent opportunity to take up the hobby. She read many novels and books on self-improvement which she discussed with a good friend, Jessie. They had met at work. Such books included Susan Jeffers' Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, and a book called The Calm Technique by Paul Wilson, which is about meditation and doing such things as focusing on your breathing without constant thought to calm the mind. Another book was by M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled. It was a heavy read but very insightful. One thing in particular Sharn took from this was that everything in

Jaimewrenauthor.com 167 Rose’s Legacy your life is your choice. You may dispute this as you cannot always choose what happens to you. What it means is that although you may not be able to control all events, you can choose how you deal with them with a positive or negative approach. This is a powerful phrase as it gives you the control. She also read books on co-dependency and unhealthy relationships where each partner enables the other to carry on their unhealthy ways and they excessively rely on other people for approval and their sense of identity. It happens regularly where people unconsciously choose partners like their parents or a partner who would provide a life they are used to, whether it be destructive or healthy. She learnt once you can develop your self-esteem and self-love and provide your own needs, then you can reach out to others not from a place of need but from want. Another useful topic she read about was positive self-talk including the use of positive affirmations. One such affirmation is 'I am filled with energy and love'. Your brain believes everything you tell it, so make your words positive. On Sharn's mirror, she has a reminder that reads: 'Why make yourself unhappy NOW. Now is our true reality, not the past or the future.' Another tool Sharn learnt from which book, was to draw up a table of say nine boxes and in each write aspects of your life, e.g. children, partner, hobbies, health, social, career, spiritual. The point of this exercise is to remember that if you lose one, it is not the loss of your whole world (although it may feel like it at first).

It wasn't easy for Sharn to grow up without a mother back in the 60s and 70s as there was barely any government help for single fathers and counselling was probably never heard of. That traumatic time in Sharn's early years created issues relating to abandonment, trust, self-esteem and lack of confidence as she was a very sensitive child. She also got

Jaimewrenauthor.com 168 Rose’s Legacy jealous and paranoid when in a relationship because of her depression, anxiety and lack of self-worth. Sharn's memories from age four to six are of trauma, six to eight were happy, and eight to about twenty were mostly lonely. Sharn is grateful she lives in this day and age where her depression is controlled with adequate medication, counselling is available if she needs it, and it is more acceptable for women to save and pay off a mortgage to provide their own security and have their own transport. Sharn has a few great friends and can stay connected much easier with advances in communication, especially the internet. She is also grateful for the sacrifices that we, her parents, had made for her and remembers that we were on our own journeys through life. Another thing she is grateful for is that she does not have any debilitating pain or some other horrible disease. She knows there are others much worse off than her.

30 January, 2018 “Dear Drew, I am settling into a new routine but am having some very difficult days, missing you both. A couple of friends ring me regularly to make sure I am okay. Your birthday is coming up and I also brought dad's ashes home for a few weeks then returned you both to the funeral director for placement in the cemetery. I drafted words for both plaques and chose a paw to be placed on yours and a bible and bird on dads. I was hoping you would be placed by your birthday but that did not happen. Then there was Valentine’s day to get through. My purpose in life is very hazy. I am seeing a counsellor and just as well I have our pets to be responsible for and love.

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The counsellor is focussing on getting me through this time. I wanted to see a counsellor to heal my inner child so I could love freely instead of being scared of loss but I guess it is not time to do that just now. I am trying to cull all of your, mine and dad's things which is not easy. Some things I am not ready to let go of yet. Maybe in time. Maybe never. I find it difficult to concentrate and cannot read. I have niggling ailments but maybe my body is concentrating on healing my mind and heart. Love Always, Sharn” 28 February, 2018 “Dear Drew, I have been struggling with losing you both but I live day by day, trying different things to see me through. I am not ready to spend too much time at home during the day. Finally, both sets of ashes are in place so I can visit you both. Love Always, Sharn”

Usually, people have their siblings or parents or their other half to support them in their grief but Sharn had lost the two closest people to her! John and I are working to help her. We finally making some progress that I could not do alone.

Some say humans have no particular purpose, it is just living a life from birth to death but the human mind searches for a reason and purpose for existence. Sharn needed a purpose. She wanted to know the significance of her life. “Why am I here? What is my purpose?” she would ask. There are many theories from cultural and ideological backgrounds. There are answers focussed around philosophy, scientific, theological and metaphysical speculation.

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Some theories class purpose in daily achievements, career or other, moving forward. Scientifically some consider our function of chemical reactions within the human body or we are organisms just living day to day birth to death and facing challenges along the way, like a plant facing the challenges of weather. Some believe getting in touch with a higher self is our purpose. Following the death of Drew and her father, Sharn feared humans were like a computer, living life through our brains and when the brain turned off, then, like a computer there was nothing! This did not sit well with her and she wanted to focus more on her faith of the afterlife in whatever form it held. Sharn read books about getting in touch with loved ones on the other side but felt she was too blocked in this world, and her mind was not open to the intuitive levels needed. With the loss of her significant loved ones she felt she led a selfish life with no-one to be there for. Sharn’s code was to contribute to the world in some way, utilising personal strengths to make the world a better place, even if it was through just one or two people. Like with her family history she put things out on the internet for anyone to utilise. Hoping she can help someone in some way. Parents have a well-defined purpose, in Sharn’s opinion, and that is to bring up their children the best they can and that is their contribution to the wider community. Sharn understood she needed time to heal and pampered herself with her first massage. She went to clairvoyants, searching for connection to the loved ones she lost and a way forward. She listened and absorbed what she was told, keeping their words in the back of her mind. She bought herself birthday and Christmas presents, and enjoyed learning to paint and joined a painting class, making new friends, plus exercise classes plus other crafts as well as spending time with her pets and looking after them, her home

Jaimewrenauthor.com 171 Rose’s Legacy and garden. It was helpful she knew people in the community, from her father's neighbours, nursing home staff, the painting group and some local family.

John and I influenced Sharn to see the counsellor to work on her grief and finding purpose again. At first Sharn was scared to spend too much time at home and kept herself busy during the day. She also went to a counsellor helping her get through the hurdles she struggled with on a daily basis but she wanted to deal with her deeper issues that triggered her insecurities and fears and we wanted to help her to do this. Winter 2018 arrived, along with Sharn’s father's birthdays. Another special date to get through. She visited the cemetery and placed a card between the two niches. In the niche reserved for herself. She also glued flat pet tags in there as tokens from home for Drew.

By July Sharn was able to spend more time at home during the day and started to prefer it but making sure she did not isolate herself too much, making a point of going out a couple of times a week. Winter was another adjustment without Drew and visiting her father but she enjoyed sitting in the sun and had television shows to watch from late afternoon. She also organised a holiday to look forward to on the first anniversary of Drew’s passing. Her family and friends, even though they were separated by distance, were there to support her during the difficult months. There were a few destinations Sharn wanted to visit for a holiday so she looked into arranging one or two holidays a year, for something to look forward to while she healed.

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Sharn started small by travelling within Australia as she was on her own and her first destination was Darwin, then Broome and Perth. First she had to find a good local pet sitter and the perfect person was recommended by Sharn's travel agent. Sharn believed things happened for a reason. Whether they were for learning a lesson or growth, or to facilitate the way forward and her holidays were becoming possible. She was looking forward to the first holiday which was exactly a year to the day of Drew's passing. 1 September, 2018 Dear Drew, I can't believe it is a year since you went to hospital never to return home. I recall a lot of the details of that time and today was when we said our ‘I Love You’ to each other, before you went to sleep and then I watched the helicopter lift off with you inside. Tomorrow is fathers’ day. Another hard day. Love Always, Sharn"

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Chapter 26 28 January, 2019 “Dear Drew, I have not written for a while but I have not forgotten. You are always in my thoughts. I went on my first solo holiday in many years, to Darwin leaving 9 September, 2018, first I visited the cemetery then I flew to Sydney and saw your mother for the first time. It was your one-year anniversary but I did not remind her. It was good to see her. I enjoyed the trip and felt good doing it on my own. I have now caught the bug and am planning more holidays for myself. Love Always, Sharn"

Darwin Sept 2018 Sharn's first solo holiday in a very long time arrived and so did Drew’s one year anniversary. She went to the cemetery on the way to the airport. Arriving in Sydney she entered the Airport railway network which was a new extension since she left Sydney, and ventured out to the western suburbs. Even the train atmosphere and ethnicity had changed over time with everyone attached to their devices instead of reading, talking or gazing out the window. Sharn well remembered people sitting next to her on the old comfortable red rattler trying to read an open Sydney Morning Herald or Financial Review, much larger than the Mirror or Sun. She often fell to sleep, after a night out, with her head falling precariously close to another person's shoulder only to jolt awake and hope she hadn't missed her station. Standing room only and delays, also came to mind. “The State Rail Authority (or whichever banner) apologise for the inconvenience ....” The red rattlers were comfortable for sleeping upright but that was in her early commuting days.

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Sharn was on her way to see Drew's 90-year-old mother who had most of her health back. It was the first time she was to see her since Drew's passing. Sharn did not want to upset Drew's mother being a reminder of her son but their reunion was good for both of them. Sharn returned to the Domestic Airport to begin her solo trip to Darwin where she had arranged to go on tours and see her friend, Maree, from TAFE who was living there. She was only going away six days because of the upset routine for her pets. One of which was becoming blind and three of the five were aging but thankfully the pet-sitter was a wonderful lady. She arrived in Darwin about 1 am and was to join a tour to Katherine Gorge at 5.30am or 6am. Sharn planned a busy day then a free day for her stay and she was in excellent accommodation. She was upgraded to the top floor, two bedroom apartment and delighted in its newness, air conditioning and views of the harbour and beautiful aqua green ocean. She could never afford something so modern with panoramic views on any Boulevard, but she could enjoy the luxuries on holidays. This holiday went really well for Sharn and she enjoyed catching up with her old friend who showed Sharn some local sights and they ate a meal at the Sailing Club watching the sun go down behind the horizon over the ocean and enjoyed attending her gigs as Maree was a great singer. Sharn went on a coach tour to Katherine Gorge and another to National Parks and waterfalls. Sharn never really had a bucket list but after Drew’s death she started ticking things off regardless, so went for a 10-minute helicopter ride and swam under a cascading waterfall. Another day she caught a six-seater plane to Kakadu for a tour and on her easy days, the double decker red bus was her friend as she jumped on and off at tourist stops around town as she explored and went to the well talked about Mindi Markets and had a wonderful massage. She loved Darwin!

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On her return home from Darwin Sharn was unsettled, thinking of moving into an apartment overlooking the ocean. Following many days of research, she realised she could not afford that lifestyle at it was not the time for her as she still had her pet family. She eventually settled, comfortable in her current arrangement. She had her home near the sea, her pets and holidays to look forward to.

Her next solo trip was to be Broome and Perth in May 2019. An eight-day trip. On the way to Broome the pilot went low enough so we could see Uluru and Lake Eyre. Broome was like a country town in central NSW with its red dirt. Country meets coast without the transition and again the beautiful coloured aqua waters, found around northern areas of Australia. She visited Cable Beach and went on a mandatory camel ride at sunset and explored the township and history. She met a couple who invited her to join them for the afternoon and evening at Cable Beach, which was a really nice gesture. Reminding her when she was at the Lismore Hospital canteen, on her own, making a call with potential bad news and a couple invited her to sit with them as a sign of support.

In Perth, after boarding at Broome, the flight was abandoned for hours due to mechanical problems. An engineer had to be flown in and the plane was fixed (she hoped). When Sharn finally arrived in Perth she caught a bus to the city and her accommodation, a standard hotel, not like the apartment in Darwin but she always chose places with a water view. She looked out the sealed window to see the Swan River; she toured down to Fremantle by coach, went to the markets and back on a ferry, toured the city tourist sites including the Perth Mint, the Botanic Gardens and Bell Tower; caught the red bus in Perth exploring, and took a tour to Rottnest Island then on her way home she met an English lady, Mary, fresh on tour from England. They hit it off immediately on their two-hour trip back to Perth, exchanged contact details and remained friends.

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Her last day was a free day so she decided to catch a bus to Scarborough Beach. Perth had a great transport system and the buses ran like trains from a central city terminal. Much different to Sydney where she avoided buses. She boarded the plane home as the sun rose, and was satisfied she enjoyed another excellent holiday. Six months later, Sharn went on a trial cruise from Sydney to Brisbane, stopping at Newcastle. The seas were still and she found her sea legs and enjoyed exploring the ship and its activities. In Brisbane she explored the city and beachside suburbs from Redcliffe to Redlands then Mooloolaba and Caloundra. Sharn was getting her confidence and wanted to travel further afield as she had already seen the main parts in Australia she wanted to see over the years. She had been to every State and decided to try cruising to nearby islands. The travel agent put her in touch with another local lady who was looking to travel with someone as it was expensive to pay the single supplement. Sharn met this local lady and they got on very well. They were from similar backgrounds, middle class Australian. They jelled! In February 2020, just as COVID was starting she went on a modified cruise (she had paid for in advance) to the cities of Noumea and Port Vila. That was her last trip. All else was cancelled. She found cruising a means of seeing places she wanted to see in relative safety. She was in two minds about cruising but got on really well with her cruising friend. Sharn was slowly creating a life for herself with daily activities and new friends. She enjoyed utilising her creative nature in hobbies, crafts and around the home and garden. She made condensed albums of her trips through Snapfish instead of having bulky photo albums or going through the computer to see them. As the saying goes, time heals. The best way she described it was that with time she was removed from the intensity of feelings and left with memories.

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Healing Chapter 27

When John died and joined me, even though we had the combined power now to heal our daughter we had to do it slowly. Sharn worked through her grief and found a life for herself again by living each day as it came and planned a week at a time. Ultimately, she realised in her human purpose and summed it up in one word: Love To develop self-love and to share that love with others and the world in general by being kind, thoughtful and responsible. If everyone loved and did the right thing then the world would be an accumulative better place. When you read the ten commandments and the teachings of Christ, it can be summarised as love, the same with other spiritual leaders. She believed if you had a loving outlook towards yourself and others you will not deliberately cause anyone harm in any way. Focussing on this, Sharn continued her day-to-day life, limited by her clinical depression, but at least moving forward.

She was happy with her own company by now, with her pets and it didn't matter if she found a partner or not, she had her friends.

Sharn found a new purpose in writing. She wrote my story and I am surprised how accurate she pieced it all together. This was also a healing journey for her and a bucket list project to write a book.

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This led Sharn to taking courses on how to write and she was able to unleash some creativeness into novels. A sense of purpose regained when her travel bug was put on hold with Covid!

It was time to carry out the next step in healing our daughter.

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Chapter 28 Stage one was getting her through the loss of Drew and John and stage two is to heal the inner child. With her depression she still battled daily with motivation issues. She went to a psychiatrist who could modify medications beyond what her doctors could do.

The waitlist was long but a week after initial contact she got a call. “We have a cancellation for tomorrow if you would like it.” Sharn jumped at the opportunity as her scheduled appointment was four months away, “Yes, I can be there.” “See you then.” She rang her friend. “Hey, guess what! I can see the Psychiatrist tomorrow.” “That soon. Great news. Let me know how it goes. Are you nervous?” “Yes a bit but just glad I can get in.” “You will be fine.” Sharn’s palms were sweaty as she waited for her appointment. “Sharn? Come in.” Sharn took a seat and the psychiatrist sat across from her. “Tell me about yourself, Sharn. I read the Doctor’s referral and he mentions you are having relationship and motivation problems.” “Yes. I am unable to do things, I lack the energy and motivation and my relationships have been disasters. I like the antidepressants I am on because they stabilise my moods they don’t make me tied but I don’t seem to have motivational highs to want to do things, which I hope you can help with.” “I will trial you on one of two I have in mind and hopefully it will help. Now it says here you have problems with intimacy and you had a traumatic infancy.”

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“Yes, I think I am afraid of getting close to men and push them away before I get hurt and I go through an internal debate about what I think I should do and what I want to do, like I should have sex as it has been days or whatever, but I don’t want to. I get really stressed, which blocks any natural feelings.” “What about women?” “No, I don’t have problems forming friendships but it is not like intimacy where I relate it to opening my heart to loving someone and being vulnerable to hurt. I can love my pets too and know they will die one day but it seems to be intimate relationships that trigger my issues.” “That would be abandonment issues from your childhood. Your mother left and your father came and went so you were always fearful he would not return.” If we had been decent parents not leaving her, she would not have developed her abandonment and trust issues. She would have a strong self-esteem and lifestyle and welcomed healthy relationships, married and had her own family. Instead, she pushed them away in her fear. Sharn’s previous psychologist practised Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which is an important asset for anyone with depression as it deals with the way a person thinks, feels and behaves and how the three interfere with each other. With those tools available the psychiatrist suggested a small dose if a medication to help with motivation along with a holistic approach to life. Sharn made another appointment for six weeks’ time. When she left Sharn was hopeful that she could begin to finally heal old wounds and get motivated!

Sharn started the new medication and with the walking, easier because it was summer, she started to feel better and was getting up earlier before the heat of the day for her walks. Her alarm was set foe the same time every day. She didn’t know what was working best, but everything combined was improving her moods and motivation.

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Six weeks later she again saw the psychiatrist. Her enthusiasm for walking was waning as it was no longer a novelty, and getting colder or raining but the psychiatrist said she must continue walking and think of all the benefits it has, especially for mental health. Along with walking she suggested meditation. Meditation is supposed to help the brain form new neural pathways. Apparently, a majority of what we think today is a repeat of what we thought yesterday so we are in a repetitive pattern of our own making either positive or negative and for those with depression it is probably negative thought patterns and again CBT is helpful for retraining but meditation is too. She suggested Yoga Nidra which uses relaxing yoga poses with guided meditation and Sharn was fortunate to have sessions in her home town, which she joined. Apart from exercise and meditation nutrition is a factor in good mental and physical health but Sharn already practised good eating habits. The next session with the psychiatrist was a teleconference and Sharn was wondering where the session would go. If the psychiatrist would work with her on her triggers of abandonment fears. She was disappointed. The psychiatrist looked forward rather than backwards in healing. Sharn’s friend Jessie suggested a psychotherapy and found a lady who dealt with post-traumatic stress and trauma so Sharn made an appointment. Finally, she had found someone who worked on the past issues to reprogram the triggers. Still Sharn’s earlier dream to find love and marry had not happened. She didn’t know if she wanted a relationship as she got older and became comfortable with her own company and freedom. She was working on her issues but only the test of relationships could determine how successful she was. She didn’t know how to change her outdated reactions and deep-seated fears but this counsellor seemed promising.

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During their sessions she asked Sharn how she felt about different things that happened and it was difficult for Sharn to put into words how she felt. The counsellor said she thought Sharn had buried her feelings or blocked them because during her formative years they were painful and she didn’t want to experience that again. This made sense to Sharn, she had lost touch with her feelings. The counsellor asked how the little girl felt back then and suggested Sharn get in contact with her childhood self again and provide her with the love she craved from others. Sharn had heard of this type of inner child work before, in the 1980s and 1990s but found it hard to do. She still finds it hard to do but has found ways to include the forgotten child in daily activities and meditations. She also had two good friends who were working their own childhood issues that lead to faulty programming in the brain. Most of the population have probably got issues but they don’t always affect their quality of life but with Sharn it has and it needs to be rectified. Hopefully in time she will heal the child John and I hurt and with our combined power we will help her heal the fear that drives her! Jessie was a great help with Sharn’s healing and growth and they have been friends for years. She is someone who understands her situation and they can talk about anything.

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DANIEL Chapter 29 At the beginning of 2021 on advice from the psychiatrist, Sharn went for daily walks by the ocean in the early mornings. As she passed other regular walkers, they exchanged greetings. There was a regular gentleman, of similar age to Sharn and at first, they bobbed their heads in greeting or offered a wave, then their dogs wanted to meet each other, straining on their leads. When they were in the lead-free zone the two dogs gravitated to each other and the two owners began talking. “Since our dogs like playing together, my name is Daniel and my Labrador is Toby.” Sharn glanced at Daniel sharply, taken aback when she heard his voice. “Have I got food on my mouth or something?” Daniel smiled as he self- consciously wiped his mouth. “Oh sorry, no. Your voice reminded me of someone. I’m Sharn and my four- legged friend is Tami.” She stopped staring and took the hand he offered in introduction. Upon the touch of his masculine, yet soft hand, she felt a tingle run through her arm straight to her heart then she looked at him again studying his face. He did not look like Drew but he did have a good head of dark brown hair with distinguished grey threading through. His hazel eyes sparkled with health, and laughter lines creased the corners, crinkling as he smiled. When he smiled he showed a set of gleaming white teeth. Daniel wasn’t as slim as Drew but was the same height and had quite a good physique from what she could see. “Pleased to meet you, Sharn.” She did a mental head shake and answered before he thought she was weird. “You too, Daniel.”

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She glanced at his other hand; he was holding some wet plastic bags. “Oh, when I walk, I always pick up rubbish I find. Plastic is dangerous.” “I always think if every person cleaned up after themselves there would be no litter.” “So true, Sharn!” They talked generally that day with introductions over, as they watched their dogs, frolicking in the miniature waves and chasing each other. “I love watching Tami run free, she is having so much fun with Toby. I am not so fond of carrying around her droppings but at least I’m not alone!” She nodded to his extra parcel, laughing. “Yes, they are having a ball and we do our bit!” This chance meeting occurred following the third anniversary of Drew and her father's deaths. When the dogs were ready to move on from their play Sharn and Daniel continued on their walks in opposite directions. The next day on Sharn’s walk, Tami recognised Toby from a distance and strained on her lead. Sharn released her and she ran off to play, leaving Sharn and Daniel to talk. “Do you live local, Sharn?” “Yes, just up the hill. What about you. I don’t always see you and Toby.” “I do live local but work shift work at the hospital.” “Oh, what do you do?” “I am a registered nurse.” “Okay. Do you like your work? It must be challenging with Covid?” “Yes, I do like helping people get better and we have to be careful, wearing masks and gloves with plenty of hand washing. I will be glad when there is an effective vaccine.”

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“Maybe then life will return to normal. You and other front-line workers are doing a marvellous job.” “Thank you. Do you work?” “No, I am on a pension.” Sharn was reluctant to mention the pension but had to fill the gap. They began to stop and chat regularly while the dogs played. “It has been a couple of difficult years with the drought, followed by the devastating bushfires, Covid and recent floods. How are you doing through Covid.” Daniel asked. “It hasn’t affected me much as I spend a lot of time at home with my pets, I am not a very social creature, and I have a good outlook on the hill. I would hate to be staring at other houses and fences, that would make me feel claustrophobic.” “I agree with you there, I have a bush outlook too but it was a bit of a worry through the fires. I feel for all the wildlife that were killed and injured as well as their habitat being destroyed. I am a member of W.I.R.E.S. and help out when I can.” “I have thought of doing that but with my cat and dog it is probably not wise at this stage.” “It would be difficult especially if you have to feed young ones plus, they need to feel safe.” “What is involved in being a member of W.I.R.E.S, Daniel?” “You need to complete WIRES Rescue and Immediate Care Course, known as RICC, then you know how to rescue, handle and provide immediate care to a range of sick, injured and orphaned native animals. When you start as a rescuer, you will normally take rescued animals to a vet or experienced carer for assessment first. You may also regularly be picking animals up from vets to transport them to a carer. The rescue and care of species such as koalas, snakes and bats require the completion of additional

Jaimewrenauthor.com 186 Rose’s Legacy specialist courses. You can choose to attend other specialist animal courses, which deliver the skills necessary to provide rehabilitative care for a range of species.” “How much time do you have to dedicate to it?” “As a volunteer, you decide on the level of activity and involvement you can do. You can choose to only be a rescuer or a carer, or both. There are many different roles available, including admin. I can’t be a carer because some animals need 24-hour care and with my job that is not possible but I do the rescue and transport when I can.” “What about if I come across injured wildlife?” “Call WIRES and tell them the exact location, or, if it is critical to get the sick and injured wildlife to a vet for treatment as quickly as possible then you remove any threat to the animal, this includes keeping all people and pets away from the native animal, to minimise stress to the animal for transport or until a rescuer arrives, then if it is safe to do so, contain the animal in a warm, dark, quiet place. “Ensure you are wearing appropriate protective clothing, and have a towel and ventilated box. After placing the animal in the box, you should wash your hands or use hand sanitiser. And don’t give the animal any food or water, unless instructed to by a vet or WIRES. “It is a lot to remember, but mostly common sense.” “Yes, just remember, if you ring WIRES first, they will instruct you on how to proceed.” “That is good to know.” “Let’s hope the year improves.” “It needs to, and they better hurry up with a Covid vaccine.” “Yes, I agree it has started out badly, at least we are in a good country being isolated from others and closing borders and other measured implemented.” “It certainly brings out the good and bad in people.”

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Daniel was one of those health care workers, among others, who put themselves in harm's way by being more susceptible to catching the virus.

Sharn and Daniel developed a friendship. They were of similar age with a similar outlook on life, loving pets and nature. Many times, within the short space of time that she had known Daniel, she had the sense of Deja Vu and each time her heart swelled as she was filled with a feeling of Drew’s presence. Could it be that Drew had returned? Daniel was easy to talk to. They understood each other, and had a connection of minds, and mutual respect. There were no awkward silences, just companionable silence or active listening. An understanding of each other. It was like their energy recognised the other and they complimented each other. Daniel worked shift work and she did not always see him on the beach.

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Chapter 30 After a few months of meeting while walking their dogs, Daniel asked her out. Dating was a challenge during COVID, with many restaurants and cafes closed, clubs, bars and theatres. Restrictions were beginning to ease and the government was implementing incentives to dine out and do recreational activities. “Sharn, would you like to join me for a picnic at Scotts Head on Sunday? Just us, no dogs?” “I would like that, yes.” “I’ll pick you up at 11am?” “Sounds good, see you then. Can I bring anything?” “No, I have it sorted!” Sharn hadn’t been on a date since Drew passed and her stomach churned. It was a long time since she felt nervous about a date, she was looking forward to it. Sunday arrived and the sound of birds greeted her as she woke and gazed out the window seeing a clear blue sky. She hummed through her chores and dressed in shorts and blouse with her costume beneath, packing essentials for a trip to the beach. Daniel arrived on time driving a white four door Toyota Hilux. “Hi Daniel, you picked a good day for a picnic!” “Yes, the sun is shining as I ordered.” He smiled showing a row of gorgeous white teeth as she jumped in the passenger side. “How long have you lived here Sharn?” “In the area, about six years now.” “I grew up around Picton and moved up here after Jodie and I married and my father came up later.” “The longest I have lived anywhere is thirteen years. I hope this time I will stay longer.” “Sounds like you moved around a lot.”

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“Well, it wasn’t really a typical set up, mum died when I was young, so with dad having to work and people taking care of me, we moved around a bit, ‘till I was old enough to stay on my own. When I worked, I bought my own place, downsized then moved to the country, then here.” “We were lucky, after our mother died, dad had good friends who looked after my brother Brian and I when dad worked and we lived in a granny flat in their yard for years which was a stable environment. Have you been to Scotts Head, Sharn?” Daniel glanced across as he asked, then back at the road. “Yes, dad was always taking me sight-seeing when I visited and I think it is my favourite beach because it is so large and sheltered in the cove, it has the lookout and I like all the mosaic work that has been done.” “Yes, I agree. I sometimes ride my Malibu there on the small waves.” “Really? I learnt to ride one at Gerroa, Seven Mile Beach but I wouldn’t be able to get up on one now!” “You never know!” “I did surprised myself not long ago when I had an opportunity to go water skiing and I still remembered how to get up on one ski so I was happy about that, but I suffered the next day, my muscles were stiff and sore.” “Here we are!” They just climbed the hill with the panoramic vista before them and the sign warning to be on the look-out for local wildlife plus a picture of an elephant!! “That’s a ring in!” “Yes, it gets a few chuckles!” Once parked they walked over to the surf beach for a stroll along its short length, then up to the lookout where they sat and watched a few surfers catching waves. No dolphins or whales around though. “How old were you when your mum died, Sharn?

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“Four. What about you?” “I was three, then my brother died when I was five.” “That must have been hard to understand?” Yes, it took a while but dad, Maureen and Jim were there and I could always talk to any of them, which helped.”

Poor Sharn, listening to Daniel talk about his supportive family. They share a lot in common. He may be good for her. We can always hope can’t we John?” “Yes, we can. It is time life worked out for her and if we can make it happen then great!”

They returned to the car and collected a picnic blanket, basket and their bags and headed across to the beach, away from others, in the Covid aware environment. Daniel spread out the blanket and they sat for a while enjoying the warmth of the sun, not too hot in early April. The breeze took the sting out of the sun, and Daniel offered her a cold water. “Did you bring your swimmers?” “Yes, I have them on so I will have to drip dry if we go in. What about you?” “Yea, I’m always prepared. Do you want to go in?” He gave Sharn another smile that melted her heart. “Why not!” They stood and peeled off their clothes and walked down to the water. It looked like Daniel spent some time without his shirt on as his torso was a golden brown from his broad shoulders down to his narrow hips, Sharn observed. Daniel plunged in when a wave came through but Sharn took the slow and steady approach. The water was warm once you acclimatised and when they returned to their picnic blanket and dried off with towels the sun did the rest, warming and drying.

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It was about 12.30 when Daniel started unpacked the food. He thought of everything, there was chicken, salad, pasta salad, bread rolls and even a thermos of coffee. “What made you move here, Sharn?” “I came up to care for my father then my partner, Drew moved up. Dad went into care with dementia eventually. He and Drew both died in 2017, dad from pneumonia and dementia and Drew died of the flu and complications. Drew went first which was a shock then dad two months later.” “Sorry to hear that. There was a bad flu that year, I recall.” “Yes, but nothing like Covid!” “Did your father remarry? Have you got siblings or children, Sharn?” “No, no siblings or children, dad never remarried and I didn’t marry.” “Any reason you didn’t marry?” “I never found the right person I could trust enough to give up my independence, I suppose.” “You never have to give up your independence.” “You sort of do when you have children and if you want to be a stay-at-home mother, you have to rely heavily on your husband.” “I never really thought about it from a female point of view. I married Jodie when I was young and just took it all for granted, but it worked for us until she died in 2017.” “Tell me about your family.” “My father is still alive and like you, my mother died when I was young as well as my brother and I have two grown children and five grandchildren.” “Five grandchildren, makes you sound old!” Sharn smirked. Daniel glanced at her face and saw she was teasing him. “I am old! My fifth grandchild was born early in the year my wife died. She cried when they named her Jodie and was very pleased that she got to meet her granddaughter.”

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“What happened to your wife? If you don’t mind me asking.” “No, I am better about it now. Jodie had breast cancer and put up a mighty fight but it beat her in the end, I nursed her through the last stages. My mother died of pancreatic cancer too so I make sure my kids get checks.” “I don’t blame you. How old are your kids?” “Daniel’s face softened. Jodie and I married as teenagers so our oldest, Jennifer is thirty-seven and then Matty is thirty-five. Jen became a pathologist and Matty is in IT. They married well and I am a proud grandfather! Jen and Adam have two girls, Olivia, twelve and Abigail, ten and a boy Luke aged seven. Matty and Sarah have a boy and girl; Liam is five and Jo, young Jodie is just three. Jodie my wife was happy to see our children marry well and adored the grandchildren.” “It is good she saw all those milestones. Do they live close?” “Not too far away, Matty is in Port and Jen is in Coffs. I am happy they returned rural when they married but they went to Brisbane after school for a few years.” “Where does your father live?” “He lives in town too. He moved when he retired to be with us.” “Have you got any family nearby, Sharn?” “Yes, I have extended family.” They packed up their lunch and relaxed over a coffee then went for a walk along the beach. Daniel reached for her hand and her heart flipped. It felt very natural to be walking hand in hand with him. Daniel had to start work later in the afternoon so they packed up and he dropped her home. “Thanks for the day out, Daniel.” “My pleasure, Sharn. See you soon.” She watched as he drove off, her heart was singing, she was falling for this man.

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Whenever he wasn’t working, he rang her to see if she was free or they saw each other on their morning walks and often walked together with the dogs leading the way.

Anzac Day 2021 Daniel was busy with his shift work and Sharn set her alarm for 5.30am. She recalled ANZAC Day in 2020 which was different to any other. There were no public gatherings, instead at 6am people stood at the end if their driveways with a candle as a mark of respect. A neighbour walked toward Sharn with his candle as she stood at the end of her driveway, “I saw you here, may I join you?” “Good morning Mike. Yes, please do.” He bent to place his candle next to hers with its flame reaching to the sky. They were side by side, silent, as they watched the sun rise over the ocean into the expanse of cloudless blue. The streetlights blinked off at the exact time a local amateur played The Last Post on his bugle, making the sound more potent in its imperfection as they stood remembering. This year she drove to the beach. In the stillness, she heard the echoes of the waves, beckoning her to come down the hill to play in its shallows. The ocean spoke louder, reaching Sharn’s soul. “Come," the waves whispered to her. She prepared for when the sun rose. To protect her pale complexion, she placed a floppy straw hat on her head, tightening the string, against the mounting breeze and placed a pair of Ray-Ban in her pocket. “All set,” she muttered as she kicked off her thongs and strode with purpose towards the water. The bitumen contrasted with the soft sand and were a clash of feelings upon the soles of her feet, as the sea reached out to greet her.

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A wave washed around her feet, and she gritted her teeth acclimatising to the cold on warm skin. The ocean was refreshing and the sensations of wet sand and salt water, heightened her senses. As the calming water and sand healed and cleansed, she gazed out to sea and the changing colours on the horizon as the sun rose, thinking of all those lives lost on the beach at Gallipoli and elsewhere. She whispered, “thank you.” Sharn told Daniel about her stirring morning and last year’s events. “It is good to see the generosity of spirit shown during these times and it is important to appreciate what others have risked to defend our freedom.” “It frustrates me that young men were sent to fight and die because the powers to be get greedy.” “There is a lot of unfairness in this life, Sharn.” Daniel hugged her to him. There were weeks of heavy rain and afterwards Daniel rang her. “Hey, are you busy tomorrow? I have organised a cleanup party for the shoreline. All sorts of human rubbish had been washed up after the rain, do you want to join us?” “Yes, count me in!” “I’ll pick you up 8am. I am working tonight so I will see you tomorrow.” “No worries, see you then.” On time Daniel picked Sharn up and they went to one of the local beaches. “Look at all the crap that has washed up, it’s disgusting!” “Wow, there is a lot isn’t there.” “The plastic is the worse causing choking and netting that fish and birds get caught up in.” They spent hours collecting rubbish along with others. It was a real eye opener for Sharn. Daniel came prepared and packed sandwiches and drinks in an esky so they spread a blanket on the sand to eat lunch, then returned to Sharn’s to relax. He was a perfect

Jaimewrenauthor.com 195 Rose’s Legacy gentleman and when it was time to leave, he kissed her gently on the cheek and she waved him off. The next day they met as they walked their dogs and Daniel suggested they go kayaking later. When he arrived to pick her up, he had a kayak for two on his roof racks. When they were on the water they paddled around for a while and then tried a spot of fishing but the fish didn’t co-operate which didn’t matter as it was always pleasant being on the water and there was only a slight breeze and current, making paddling easier. “You up for a bit of sight-seeing tomorrow, Sharn?” “Yes, sure, love new places.” Daniel picked her up and put her hamper on the back seat. “We are going to explore just north of Coffs. Have you been to Woolgoolga, Corindi or Red Rock?” “Yes, but just briefly exploring.” Woolgoolga’s beach was a good setting and the beach-side shops very typical of a seaside tourist town with boutique shops and take-away. They travelled north to Corindi and then further north to Red Rock. Sharn loved the personality of Red Rock. They didn’t visit the surf beach but the parkland ended at a retaining wall to the river. A set of stairs made it easy to enter the water and a short swim across took people to the exposed sandbank. They heard the surf and could see the whitewash not far away. They set up their blanket and picnic for lunch and relaxed on the blanket watching the water, people fishing and others walking on the exposed sandbank. “It’s a beautiful place, Daniel.” “Yes, it is special. We used to bring our kids up here often when they were young.” “Tell me about your children.”

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“They were good kids. We did a lot of things of a weekend if I wasn’t working, and Jodie was a great mother. We went camping and fishing during school holidays and during the school year the kids were involved in sports, Matty played soccer and tennis and Jen played tennis and swam. They were in the nipper’s program to learn about the beach and surf since we lived on the coast. We were always running them around somewhere. They were good students, especially Jen who then went to Uni and studied to be a pathologist and Matty got degrees in IT. We were lucky they didn’t get involved with bad kids, drugs and other worrying pastimes.” “I think it shows you and Jodie were good parents and they had a stable environment. I often see how children from good homes mostly have good relationships but those who come from broken homes, don’t always have success as they get older.” “Yes, I have seen that too. My kids are happily married and my grandchildren are great!” “You are biased of course!” Sharn saw the sparkle in his eye. “I am but they are good.” His smile spread across his face with pride.

Now that Sharn was on track again with her lifestyle and since she had met Daniel. It took a bit of co-ordinating on our part as we knew they would be perfect for each other, soulmates, and he was the perfect person to help her through the struggles ahead.

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Chapter 31 It was time for Sharn to see if she was dealing effectively with the trauma we caused her as a child and put them behind her. Her psychotherapist was guiding her. Sharn knew consciously that her reactions of fear were unfounded as an adult because she had endured many losses and come through just fine eventually but still the hurt and traumatised child ruled her reactions. John and I were instrumental in directing her to this person because it had been too long and now, we are together, our combined efforts are reaching our daughter. Finally, after all my years of frustrating observation being powerless to help her, or John for that matter I can do something. The psychotherapist had already told Sharn to move forward slowly in relationships to get to know her potential partner well. Sharn had done that with Daniel. There was no doubt in her mind or heart that he was trustworthy. She told Daniel about her problems and he listened. He wasn’t like some others who just thought she had too much baggage and it wasn’t worth their trouble! They already had a bond and there were no expectations. They wanted to just enjoy times together and tackle problems as they arose.

Because of the virus they were extra careful around people. Their dating consisted mostly outdoor activities, exploring the area with picnic lunches which suited the both of them. The next time they went exploring, when the road was safe again after the flooding, they went up to Dorrigo and Ebor Falls. The bush was starting to regenerate after the fires passed through. “This is part of the Guy Fawkes National Park. The water plunges 100m down two waterfalls into the gorge below.” They walked around and took photos from the three lookout platforms then returned to the Dorrigo National Park, walked the skywalk where Daniel had to hold

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Sharn’s hand. She wasn’t good with heights but the outlook was worth it. They walked through rainforest settings and visited Dorrigo and Dangar Falls before they spread out their picnic blanket for lunch. “Tell me about your childhood, Daniel?” “Sure, mostly it was a happy time.” Daniel laid on one elbow facing Sharn with his long, tanned legs stretched in front of him and his gaze resting on her. “Following Mum’s death, while we were living in Picton, dad, Brian and I moved into a granny flat belonging to close friends of ours who offered to help with child care while dad worked. “Dad put on a brave face for us kids but we knew he missed mum as much as we did. Brian went to school with the children of dad’s mate, Jim who lived in the main house, while I was cared for by the stay-at-home mother, Maureen, until I was old enough for school. When dad finished work, he took over. I was the youngest child in the household but there were many children in the small community who we knew and played with. When I started school, dad helped me get ready and made breakfast for us, packed our lunches then we went next door when he left for work. “Brian was eighteen months older than me and was a protective older brother. He walked with me the short distance to the school and took me to class and made sure I wasn't picked on or teased in the playground. He kept an eye on me as we grew and roamed around the little community. As we lived in a rural area, we were constantly warned about the dangers of snakes and spiders.” “I loved living in the country, we lived near Lake Cargelligo. It was great as a kid roaming freely.” “Yes, they were good memories except the day Brian was bitten by a snake.” “What happened?”

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“I was only five and was trailing behind my brother and his mates and they were joking around, they were seven and teasing each other, messing around, pushing and shoving. I wasn’t paying much attention but saw Brian fall over a school bag as they had stopped. He fell into the scrub next to the path then yelled at us to keep away because of a brown snake. “I was surprised as I didn't think a snake would be so close to the path with the noise from kids as they passed. We all froze, mesmerised by the snake as it slithering away. Brian scrambled back to the path then checked his leg. We all peered down at two puncture marks. “Chris, Brian’s mate, took charge, ordering Brian to stay perfectly still and sending kids off to get help and our dad. His father was an ambulance driver and taught Chris some first aid. Chris propped Brian's upper torso on their school bags and I knelt by my brother’s side and held his hand. He had to stay very still. “Brian’s eyes were wide with fear when he looked at me and he held my hand tight. There was a crowd of kids forming as they came upon us while walking home from school. “It was a small town at the time and everyone knew each other. Mick returned with the teacher who had rung the ambulance and our father arrived shortly after. “Dad was impatient for the ambulance and asked whether he should take Brian to the hospital himself but the teacher said the ambulance might have an antivenom, so we waited. “Brian said he didn’t feel well. My gaze went from my father to Brian. Dad was stroking Brian’s forehead and told me to keep holding his hand. Dad was frowning which made me worry. He reassured us boys, then we heard the ambulance getting closer. “Poor Mick apologised to Brian for making him trip and Brian said it was just an accident and dad tried to reassure the boys it was no one’s fault and they did the right thing sending for help and keeping Brian still.

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“The ambulance arrived with Chris' father. Chris told his father what he did and his father patted him on the back. Dad also thanked Chris as he looked over the boys to include them and the teacher, before following Brian into the ambulance. I wanted to go too but dad asked Chris to walk me home. As we walked the rest of the way home the ambulance raced off with lights and sirens. That was the last time I saw Brian.

When we walked in the gate the other children ran inside to tell their mother, Maureen. As I walked in, I heard them say, Mum, Brian was bitten by a snake and went to the hospital. Maureen looked me and came to my side. Will he be alright? I asked her scared. Kids go to your rooms and get changed. Brian will be okay, honey, she reassured me Dad later told me the ambulance did not carry an antivenom and Brian slipped into unconsciousness before they arrived at the hospital. He never woke up. Unfortunately, the immobilisation and antivenom wasn't administered soon enough and Brian's life was in the balance. He was incubated and for days there was no change as the machines kept him alive. It was a harrowing two days for Dad and I. Dad said it was the hardest decision he ever made. He had to let his son go and join our mother. I remember the service at school we had for Brian as the children placed hand drawn cards, flowers and even toys around a tree we dedicated to Brian. It was a beautiful little service with Brian’s classmates, some teachers, Dad, Jim, Maureen and I. Following Brian’s death, after school I returned to Maureen’s until Dad finished work then we returned to our granny flat. We lived there for years.

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“Is that why you became a nurse?” “Probably, with mum being sick, although I barely remember, but I do remember her wearing scarves and reading to me, then Brian, I guess that is when I started wanting to help people get well. “As a kid I was always helping birds that fell out of nests or were injured and couldn’t fly.” Sharn covered his hand with hers. “It must have been so hard after your mother’s death.” “Yes, it was but dad was always there for me plus Jim and Maureen. I knew I could ask them anything. It is hard as a kid trying to understand the concept of death. All I knew was that I missed having a mother and Brian. Other kids still had their mums and brothers and sisters. I thought it was so unfair, but mum wrote letters for each of my birthdays reminding me how much she loved me, which really helped.” “That might be the difference between how we turned out, you had your dad’s support and stability with Jim and Maureen and your mum reassured you she loved you after she and Brian left, with her letters.” “Yes, more than likely as you didn’t have that reassurance and stability and went through a lot of additional trauma.” “Thank you for sharing with me, Daniel.” “We can help each other. I am here for you.” “I appreciate that, thank you.” ☆ I squeezed John’s hand tighter, “he is so good for our daughter, John.” “Rose, he is perfect. He has the self-confidence and understanding she needs to work through the issues we caused.” “The difference in how the two families experienced death and the after effects show the effects on each child. Poor Sharn, we did wrong by her.”

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Yes, I know but we can fix it now, it’s not too late.” “No, it’s not.” They held hands and their spirits radiated white healing light. ☆

Sharn and Daniel spoke of Daniel’s wife’s death and Drew’s. “I was not prepared at all for Drew’s death. In nine days, he was gone! The shock and grief were intense. I always thought I would take my father’s death hard because we were so close but despite what I thought, I had prepared for it. It was still a hard time but I knew he was in a better place.” “I understand, although I had time to prepare for my wife's death, the finality of it was still heart rendering, like with your father, Sharn, but when my brother died, that was such a shock for me and I agree about the difference in intensity between a sudden loss and a drawn-out illness. Working at the hospital I see both types of loss and how people deal with it.” ☆ “You know, John, he totally understood Sharn's feelings of grief and loss and the need to re-evaluate her existence with the gaping hole left behind but in Daniel’s case he had children.” “It is good to see he understands what she has been through and that certain things trigger her issues.”

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BILL Chapter 32 After they had been dating for a couple of months Daniel wanted to introduce Sharn to his father, Bill, who she had heard a lot about. Daniel arranged to take Sharn to meet his father on a Sunday. “I have to warn you, dad still very much misses my mum, and likes to talk to anyone who will listen.” “That is fine, I am happy to listen.” Daniel opened the front door of his father’s home. “Hi Dad, we are here. Where are you?” “In the kitchen, Dannyboy,” Sharn heard. Daniel walked into the kitchen and clapped his father on the back. “How are you, Dad?” “Good, thank you, Son. Ahhh, and this must be Sharn?” Bill said as he saw her and walked toward her. “Pleased to meet you, Mr Chaney.” “Call me Bill, my dear.” “Okay Bill.” “Dad Sharn has cooked us a casserole.” “Thank you, Sharn.” “Come and sit down.” Bill said to Sharn as Daniel set the table, warmed up the food and placed it on plates. “It is very tasty, thank you, Sharn.” “My pleasure, Bill. Glad you like it. There should be extra for you for another night or two.” “Thank you.”

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Following the meal Bill sat out back while Daniel and Sharn washed up then they joined him. “Coffee for you, Dad.” Daniel handed his father a cuppa while Daniel and Sharn sat down with their own. “How did you meet your wife, Bill?” Sharn asked. That was when Bill started to talk about his family. Daniel winked at Sharn and sat quiet, as his father travelled down memory lane. Bill’s face visibly relaxed as he talked about the past and his eyes danced. “It was love at first sight. Daniel get our wedding photo to show Sharn. Twelve months after we met at work I proposed and Helen said yes. She made me a very happy man. We planned our wedding for a year later. During this time Helen began working elsewhere. Helen and I always pictured a happy family with three children, at least one boy and one girl. I looked forward to our marriage and starting a home and family, a future together until we were old and grey with grandchildren or even great grandchildren. After our fairy-tale wedding, I only had eyes for my beautiful bride. We bought a home and were settling into our new married routine, enjoying life. Time flew for us as we were very happy and our one-year wedding anniversary arrived. I stopped at the shops to buy my wife flowers and a box of chocolates for our first anniversary. Overflowing with pride and love I told the cashier, “it is my first-year anniversary.” “Congratulations. Did you know anniversaries are represented by things like glass, gold, silver, etc and I think paper represents the first year. I read that it symbolises a new beginning, blank slate.” “Does it now! Thanks for that.”

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As I was walking back to my car I decided to go to the Newsagents and changed direction. I entered and went to the card section, looking for one for an anniversary and chose one, of the two in stock, then went to the aisle with notebooks. I was looking for a pretty notebook Helen could use as a diary or recipe book or whatever else. I chose one with a cottage and garden on the front with watermarked pages inside. Happy with my purchases I strode back to the car to go home, humming softly to myself. As soon as I entered the house, I could smell the delicious aroma and followed the smell to the kitchen after placing the bag of gifts on the lounge, except the roses. Helen was in the kitchen preparing dinner after her day at work. She was drinking a glass of water, ice and a slice of lemon, while cooking. I wondered absently why she wasn't having a chardonnay, her drink of choice while she cooked. I walked up to my wife, standing by the bench, and circled her waist with my arms, hugging her from behind placing a kiss on her check. She thanked me for the red roses in front of her as she bent her head to sniff the fragrance. When I walked into the dining room, I noticed Helen had lit the candles and dimmed the lights for a romantic meal. No doubt I was lucky, my wife was perfect in every way. I asked if Helen needed a hand with preparation, although she usually had everything organised, that was the type of person she was. I always sat in the kitchen while Helen prepared dinner. My wife was beautiful with her green eyes, long auburn hair, soft white complexion and petite frame but that day I remembered she looked extra beautiful. We both worked towards buying our new home and were making it homely. We spent time alone or socialising with friends or each other’s family and were ready to start a family. “Dinner is ready, take a seat at the dining table and I will bring it in,” she said to me.

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She placed our meals on the table and I took in the aroma and the colourful display of vegetables and meat. Before me was a rack of lamb with mustard-shallot sauce. We continued chatting through the meal. “Dinner is beautiful, Helen.” “Thank you. Now do you want your present?” Yes pleeaase, I said eagerly with a cheeky grin. Helen leaned forward and held my hand. “I went to the doctors today. To confirm I am pregnant!” she said smiling from ear to ear. You're pregnant? I couldn’t believe it. She was pregnant with Brian. It was the same for both boys, Daniel was born 18 months later. I pampered her in her pregnancies. Then there was the day of the ultrasounds and I took time off work to take Helen to her appointments. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face and my wife grabbed my hand when we first saw the babies growing. My eyes widened as I took in the miracle of life, our children. It amazed me just as much with Daniel as it did Brian. I was so proud and put the photos on their fridge, to gaze at them often and felt my wife’s stomach often and spoke to the baby, making Helen laugh at her smitten husband. If the ultrasound photos showed a miracle, then the birth of our sons was much more. We were proud parents and mother and sons were well. Helen was radiant after both so’s were born and the boys were so tiny, and what a wail! We were in our element, happy in our life together watching our young sons grow. I told Helen, Brian is an adorable replica of her with auburn hair, fair skin and green eyes. He also displayed her fiery temper if he wasn't fed on time, wailing mercilessly until he was attended to but when he was happy, he was angelic. Danny looked more like me and was not as demanding as Brian, as a baby.

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We went through the trials of night feeds, teething and minor infant ailments and the enjoyment of christenings and crawling. Just watching them discover their surroundings was a joy. Following their first birthdays they clearly understood who their parents were and gave us huge smiles and giggles and reached for us to pick them up or crawled towards us. I loved returning home to my family after a day at work. Not long after, they uttered their first words. They began walking which quickly turned to an ungainly run with legs separated by the bottom padding which they frequently landed on, only to get back up and keep going. Brian was a determined young man with little patience. He had two speeds, fast and stop. He was a handful, especially when Helen was pregnant with Danny who was born before Brian's second birthday. Danny was a well behaved, quiet baby, not like his fiery, demanding brother. Brian did not know what to make of his new brother and his place in the world that Brian dominated. He studied him from a distance then ventured forward, under strict supervision and soon began to watch everything he did with interest and gently offered him toys he knew were Danny’s. He ran to his mother if Danny cried but stayed well away when he saw a nappy appear. We often sat watching our sons interact. We could see Brian had a proprietorship and protective way with Danny and this only increased with time.

Daniel interrupted his father’s reminiscence. “Dad we have to get going, hope you don’t mind.” “Not at all Son, you don’t want to listen to me talk about the past, all day.” “I have enjoyed it, Bill.” Sharn replied. “I have a shift in an hour, Dad. See you through the week.” “By Danny, bye Sharn, lovely to meet you.”

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“You too, Bill.” She gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. It became a ritual that Sharn would pre-cook a meal and take it over to Bill on their weekly visits and have enough to last him a couple of extra meals. The next visit Bill spoke about the loss of his wife. “I remember the day so well when my wife left us. I pleaded with my dying wife. I knew it would be a relief from the pain she suffered but I selfishly wanted to keep her with us. Tears streamed down my face as my shoulders shook, my head was on my hand still clutching the hand of my wife, still warm but no longer with a pulse. I cried by her still form, until I could get myself together. Rising I kissed her forehead and told her for the umpteenth time I loved her then wiped my eyes, blew my nose, took a deep breath as I straightened my shoulders then walked to the door. I called an ambulance and went to tell the children. They already saw and spoke to their mother earlier in the day when she was conscious and were being minded by friends. Helen's mother was a mess. She was sitting in the lounge room sobbing as I entered and she burst out in a wail and more tears flowed when she saw me, knowing her daughter was gone. She didn't want to be by her daughter's side for the end, she wanted to remember her with life. I sat with my mother-in-law for a few minutes with my arm around her shoulders, before leaving to see my children. We tried to prepare our sons but you can’t be prepared for the magnitude of this loss, for me, let alone our young children. This wasn't what Helen and I dreamed our future would be. You see, I never before experienced the death of close loved ones, only my grandparents but I did not know them well as they lived miles away. My parents and five siblings were still healthy and going strong and my children only experienced the death

Jaimewrenauthor.com 209 Rose’s Legacy of Helen's father but they were too young to remember him. To lose their mother was one hell of an introduction.

It was six months after Danny’s birth, Helen was not feeling well, and could not shake the feeling. She was constantly tied and losing weight. She made appointments for the relevant scans and blood tests referred by the doctor and waited for the results to return. Normally doctors advised test results on a next visit but in this case, they rang and called Helen into the office. She began to worry and I went with her for the results. The doctor advised he was going to refer her to an Oncologist because it looked like she had cancer. We were scared. Further tests were carried out which confirmed she had pancreatic cancer. There is no early detection for this cancer and it is very dangerous. Helen burst out crying and I held her, in stunned silence. We left the office bewildered, I escorting my sobbing wife out the door, past the reception and into the lift where I cradled her to me and stroked her hair. Our hopes and dreams together shattered, and what about our children? Helen was determined to do what she had to in order to reduce its affects and extend her lifetime for our sake. We understood there would be no more children and every moment forward would be precious. With the news Helen wanted to be near her mother and we sold our house and moved to Picton, not too far from treatment, where her mother lived and I found a job in Campbelltown, a short commute. We no longer had our dream home or mortgage, instead renting as there were more important things to think about and pay for. Helen's mother, Elizabeth, was there to help the family after her husband died a year before and we were grateful for her assistance with Brian and Danny, plus her help

Jaimewrenauthor.com 210 Rose’s Legacy with Helen when she was feeling ill from the effects of treatment. The doctors were hitting it aggressively. Elizabeth helped look after the children, cooked and cleaned to assist her daughter. Helen battled the disease for two and a half years and treasured her time with us. She didn't know if Danny would remember her but she made special moments with her sons, often reading stories. She worried about Brian who was a bit stand-offish and watched his mother intently. We explained to him that she was sick and on treatment and tried to stay positive. She decided to stop treatment when the specialist advised there was no improvement and the drugs were making her sick. She wanted to be well for her children and me and not affected by the treatment, at least for a while. In-home visits were arranged and Helen spent her time with the ones she loved most. I spent the first year after my wife's diagnosis in a state of hope that she would be cured, despite what the doctors said, and the next year I was getting my head around the reality that Helen would not be around long, pleading with God to spare her, meanwhile I considered every minute with my family as precious. I found a job close to home, in the town. Of a weekend I was by her side and with our children. If Helen was well, we went on picnics and tried to be a normal family for the children's sake, creating happy memories. Helen got to watch Brian learn to ride a bike with training wheels and his first day at kindergarten, Helen left her sick bed and dressed to see her son off to school when I took photos of Helen and the boys. I was at a loss about our future and Helen insisted we talk about a future without her. I didn't want to face this until it happened but she made me. I was proud of her strength of character and bravery, under the circumstances. I felt a blubbering mess by comparison. We talked well into the night about her hopes for us but I didn't know what I

Jaimewrenauthor.com 211 Rose’s Legacy would do when she was gone as I loved her so much and wanted to tackle that bridge when we came to it, enjoying what time I still had with my wife. Helen was there for Danny’s first three birthdays and milestone moments of crawling, talking and walking. She made a journal of photographs for each of her children and one for me of our time together for us to remember her by. She wrote letters for each of her children's birthdays she would not be with them and milestone occasions. Helen knew she was running out of time and tried to prepare us and herself. Not an easy task and she worried about her mother. I could see her decline. It was horrible to watch. Daniel was three when his mother died and barely remembered her and did not understand why he didn't have a mother when other children did. I was in a daze during the first few months of my grief but I had to hold it together for the boys. I worried about my sons, as they were both deep thinkers, sensitive and became withdrawn. Daniel had many questions about his mother and Brian and I shared many stories about her. Daniel wished he could remember their mother like Brian did. They knew their mother did not choose to leave; it was just her time. So, they had an early introduction to death and knew their mother was watching over them.” Bill wiped a tear from his eye. Sharn wiped tears from her own. Your wife sounds like a lovely person, Bill.” “Yes, she was the best.”

I wished I was more like Bill’s wife but I was not thinking straight at the time. Daniel showed Sharn photos of the family and the journal his mother made for him. All beautiful memories. John kept all the photos I had taken which Sharn cherished.

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That night while they were relaxing Daniel spoke about his father. “Dad was a great father. One day he saw me moping around. He had already told me why Mum died but he understood it was a lot for me to comprehend, especially since Brian died, so he patiently answered my questions. I remember he lifted me onto the lounge beside him and explained: “Your mum was sick, Danny. Do you remember her at all? I remember her being in bed with a scarf around her head and feeling sick but she sat up and read me stories when she felt a bit better. Why can't I remember her, Daddy? You were only three at the time and probably too young to remember. Now you are a big boy at six going to school. That elicited a small smile from me. You remember I told you, that you mother had a disease called cancer? Yes, Daddy, what is a disease? I asked. Well, have you seen a tomato or an apple or banana and how they are good and then you might cut it open and find the insides are yuk. That is a bit like what diseases do to our bodies and medicines can fix a lot of them and they go away. Was Mummy's insides yuk? Yes, not too bad at first but it got worse and worse. She wanted to get cured so she could stay with us, because she loved us so much. She tried very hard to stay but the medicines were not helping, they were only making her feel sick. Why didn't the medicine work for Mummy and Brian, Daddy? Because they did not get the medicine soon enough. By the time your mother knew something was wrong and went to the doctors, the cancer spread inside her and they could not operate and remove it all. Your Mum was in hospital on and off and the doctors did try to get rid of it but there was too much and by the time Brian got to the hospital it was too late for medicine because the poison travelled through his body. But, why OUR family? Didn't God know we need them?

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That is a hard question to answer, Dannyboy. Dad said as he cradled me next to him. It is difficult to know why good people get sick and die but they are no longer in pain and suffering. In heaven they are well and together, so we should be happy about that. I miss having a mother Dad, other children have mothers and I miss my brother. I know, son but you have me and Maureen, Jim and their family. Yeah, I know. Daniel and Sharn spent many Sundays with his father when Daniel wasn’t working. Bill loved talking about his family and Sharn saw the love he had for his long- departed wife. He never remarried saying she was the love of his life. Daniel said you had a similar childhood, Sharn?” “Yes, I did. My mother died when I was four then we lived with families before returning to extended family in Sydney.” “It must have been hard for you. Is your father still alive?” “Unfortunately, not, he died three years ago but he never remarried.” “Did you have brothers and sisters?” “No, I didn’t. At least I didn’t go through losing a sibling like Daniel, had too.” “That was a hard time, following his mother’s death.”

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Chapter 33 “It was two years after their mother's death, Danny was five and Brian seven. We were just getting accustomed to our life without Helen when the boys’ grandmother passed away in care. This wasn't as traumatic but still I had to guide the children through the loss. Then our world fell apart again when we lost Brian.

After Brian was bitten, I went with him to the hospital. When we arrived at the hospital Brian was rushed through. Anti-venom was administered but the doctors advised it might not work because of the time frame. “I wanted to stay at the hospital but the nurse said, Mr Chaney, it would be best you to home and get some sleep and come back in the morning. We will ring you if there was any change. I kissed my son's forehead, get well son, we love you, I whispered. When I arrived home later in the night Danny ran to the door to meet me, Daddy, is Brian okay? Hello Mate, he lifted me up to carry me inside, the doctors are taking good care of Brian. I couldn't tell him yet that it was touch and go but when he was settled in front of the television, I told Maureen and Jim how bad it was. I took Danny home and readied him for bed. We said our prayers and included Brian and I read him a story as his eyes grew heavy. I kissed my sleeping child's head and tucked him in with his favourite stuffed dog before tiptoeing out of the room, leaving the light on for comfort if he woke up. I left my door open in case he stirred. I doubted I would sleep. The next morning, I rang my boss for time off and took Daniel over to Maureen so I could get to the hospital early.

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I went to the hospital and stayed by Brian’s side most of the day unless the staff were tending to him and asked me to leave so I went to the canteen for a coffee. I couldn't stomach any food. The doctor did morning rounds and told me there was no change in Brian's condition. I stayed till 8.30pm, kissed my son goodnight and left ensuring the staff would ring if there was a change. The doctor came by in the afternoon and said if there was no change it was unlikely he would recover and I would need to consider turning off the life support machines. At home when Danny asked, I said there was no change. Aren't the medicines working, Daddy? he asked remembering his mother. Oh God, how did I answer that. Danny, snakes are very dangerous and Brian didn't get the medicine as quick as he could so we don't know yet. Danny looked at me with wide eyes. Brian isn’t going to die, is he? I don’t know, son. We need to pray hard for him. He is very sick. The next day there was still no change and no response to stimuli. Brian was still in a coma on life support and recovery looked slim. I gave permission for the machines to be turned off and prayed for a miracle. I asked for a few minutes with my oldest son. The staff came back in and started to do what they had to while I stood by then I returned to my son's side when the machines were removed and held his hand tightly and stroked his forehead as tears streamed down my face. Brian didn't stay long without the aid of the machines. I returned home after I gathered my emotions together to show some strength for Danny. Danny ran to me when I pulled up, how is Brian, Daddy? He asked. I lifted him into my arms Then looked at Maureen and Jim and shook my head. Maureen turned into her husband in grief.

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I took Danny into the granny flat and sat him down with me. Daddy, is Brian okay? he asked again sensing something was wrong. I said to him, Dannyboy, Brian has gone to be with your Mummy. Danny knew what that meant and cried. I hugged him as I clenched my teeth trying not to cry and until he started hiccupping. There was so much grief for Danny to deal with, it was too much for me, let alone a five-year-old! I cradled Danny until he dosed off and Jim and Maureen came to check on him. Maureen put Danny to bed and the we talked about the funeral. I was worried about Brian's friends and wanted to thank them for everything they did to help Brian, especially Chris, didn't want them to feel guilty. I arranged my eldest son's funeral and had him buried with his mother. I didn't know if children should attend but decided to talk to the school about thanking Brian’s friends and having a child's memorial for him at the school. The kids didn't need to see a casket. We had a lovely little service at the school for Brian. Didn’t we Danny?” “Yes, Dad it was perfect.” Daniel went inside to refresh drinks and Bill continued. “We went through our daily routines. Danny became very quiet, he rarely laughed or played with the other children. I talked to Maureen about him. Maureen and Jim were great support.” Maureen said, “it will take a while for his grief to lesson. With time he will come good.” She was right. Over time he improved and he had the love and support of the community. We visited my family and Helen’s sister during holidays and returned to the granny flat in my mates’ yard which was perfect for us with the added support.

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Helen's birthday, followed by Brian's came around and each occasion we took flowers to the cemetery. Then every birthday I read my wife’s letters to our son.

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Chapter 34 Daniel returned with more drinks. “Your dad was just telling me your mum wrote you letters for your birthdays.” “Yes, she did, more like notes, really.” “I wish my mother had done that. Will you show me one day? “Yes of course, Sharn I would love to, it was my favourite thing about my birthday, my best gift. I have them here, I will bring them out. Dad would like to hear them again, too.” “Of course, Son.” Daniel brought out an old wooden box and opened it. “On my birthdays Dad wished me a happy birthday and read Mum’s letter to me. I have them in order. The first was his 4th birthday. “Dear Danny, I wish I was there for your birthday. Do not be sad I am not there, you have Daddy and Brian and I am watching you and want to see you have a great day, your 4th birthday. Happy birthday son, Daddy and I love you sooo much. Love Mummy. xxxx” The next was for his 5th. “Dear Danny, Five is a big birthday! You will be starting kindergarten. I hope you enjoy it and Brian is looking after you, walking you to school and home. Be good for Daddy. We both love you very much. Love Mummy xxxxx”

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On his 6th: “Dear Danny, Happy 6th birthday. You are growing so quickly. I hope you are liking school and have nice friends. May your day be special like you, my darling. Always remember I love you very much. Mummy, xxxxxx” “I remember Dad gave me a fire truck that year. We made our breakfast and dressed for our day and I went into the main house while Dad left for work. Dad arranged with Maureen to throw a party for me in the evening with the two families there with a cake, presents and decorations. When I walked in the door that evening everyone was already there, including dad and they all jumped from hiding spots calling “Surprise!” I remember that birthday well. I had a great time.” “Each year when my birthday approached, I got restless, eager to read my mother’s letter and of course open presents, but Mum’s letters were always special as though she was watching over me every year I grew. I hope I am not making you sad, Sharn.” Daniel sat next to her, reading over her shoulder and he hugged her to him and kissed her forehead and she read each of his mother’s letters for his birthdays, marriage and first child. “I am happy for you, Daniel. I guess my mum wasn’t in the state of mind to think ahead.” “No, probably not.” “I understand where my mother was at and accept that, Daniel.” When Sharn finally finished reading the letters she wiped at her eyes as she gently placing the last letter with the others. “Oh! Daniel, they are beautiful, you are lucky to have them.”

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“Yes I am.” “Thank you for letting me read them.” “My pleasure.” “Dad, we have to head off soon. Are you okay?” “Yes, Son. It has been good seeing you again Sharn!” “Thank you, Bill.” Sharn hugged him and kissed his cheek, “I enjoy our visits.” When they got in the car, Bill waved them off. “Your father is lovely, Daniel.” “Yeah, he is pretty special. I would have liked to meet yours.” “I reckon he would have liked you and your father.” Daniel asked, “are you okay, not too sad about our childhoods?” “No, I am fine. It is sad though.” Daniel held her hand in comfort and dropped her off at home. He had to go home and get ready for his shift at the hospital.

I was crying as Sharn read the letters Daniel’s mother wrote for him. Sharn would have loved having letters from me. I wish I had left some as it would have made such a big difference with her issues as she would have known I love her. John pulled me into him giving me comfort as we watched on. I felt for our daughter. Seeing how well-adjusted Daniel was because he knew his parents loved and cared for him. Yet because of us, Sharn carried problems that affects her relationships. I could see the difference between myself and how I died and how Daniel’s mother approached her death and the ramifications it had on each of our children, Daniel is faring match better than Sharn! Although they shared similar losses, it was the way we left them that changed the rest of their lives. Daniel’s mother left letters and his brother and father recalled fond

Jaimewrenauthor.com 221 Rose’s Legacy stories of his mother and his father was always there for him. He remained in a secure environment in the granny flat with Maureen and Jim nearby. Which was a lot different to our daughter. Sharn does not blame anyone for this, just saw the reality of how people are affected. John and I bowed our heads ashamed of how we handled the situation. With John by my side our auras shone brightly and reach our daughter with healing. She has already found her soulmate and with his care and our healing of the damage we caused, there is hope for our daughter and we can move into the light.

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SHARN True Love Chapter 35 Daniel and Sharn continued to date, exploring the area together, walking and talking and sharing meals out and enjoying outdoor activities such as the beach, kayaking and long walks by the sea with their dogs, while they learnt more about each other. Sharn’s fur family took to Daniel immediately, especially the cat that was very close to Drew. Sharn’s eyes grew wide as the cat rubbed against Daniel’s leg. “He hasn’t done that to anyone except Drew and myself. You must be special.” “It is important to be accepted by the family, don’t you think?” “Yes, well you are making a wonderful start.” “You have certainly won my dad over, Sharn.” “He is such a lovely man, Daniel.” “I am glad to hear you think that. He is very important to me. Daniel drew her to him. Daniel was so much like Drew in his caring, serene nature.

John and my aura’s shine brightest when our daughter is happy, as she is with Daniel, and we have been able to direct her in her healing process, first from grief and then the trauma we caused her as a sensitive child. Sharn talked to Daniel about her issues and her therapy and showed him sites online with recommendations to help her move forward through her fears. A few months after they first started dating, the couple had another picnic watching the sun go down over the river. The meal was beautiful and when Daniel dropped her home, they shared their first passionate kiss. Leaving Sharn wanting more. She had worked hard to heal her inner child and Sharn felt she could move into the next stage of their relationship without her past fears interfering.

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A few weeks later they slept together for the first time. She could feel the sexual tension building between them. They had an intimate meal with candlelight and wine and Daniel didn’t have to work the next day. They played pleasant music and Daniel asked her to dance in the living room. The music ended and he kissed her deeply and the fire flared deep in her belly. Before they moved to the bedroom, he stopped kissing her. “Sharn, I love you and want to go further but it is up to you? Are you ready? “Yes, definitely. Lead the way.” She smiled as he took her hand. Their lovemaking was slow and tender, exploring each other’s bodies with hands and mouths as their excitement grew. Daniel was a wonderful lover and they climaxed together. He gently brushed her hair from her face and fondly kissed her before lying beside her holding Sharn close. It wasn’t long after when he trailed feather light fingers over her body again followed by gentle and enticing kisses, until they were both ready to experience the wonder of each other again. Sharn was surprised how much she and Daniel bonded during sex and he cradled her in his arms as they fell to sleep. He knew of her insecurities and was willing to go slow and work with her to overcome her issues with trust and abandonment. She felt able to withstand whatever life threw her way as long as they were supported by each other. He provided an environment which encourage individual growth and space when needed.

Late in the evening they fell to sleep in each other’s arms to wake up together the next morning when he kissed her tenderly and they expressed their love to each other before he left the bed and returned shortly after with coffee. He was such a considerate man.

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Daniel was so very caring of her and Sharn’s heart exploded with love on a level much deeper than ever before. This scared her at first but with the tools her therapist recommended she was able to calm her fears and revel in their love. They laid around for a while and then she made breakfast before they were to go to his father’s place for the afternoon.

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Chapter 36 It was well into winter 2021 and Sharn’s motivation to walk was waning because of the cold mornings. The psychiatrist told her on another visit, “no one can get you to exercise but yourself.” “It is too hard to get motivated in winter, especially with depression.” “You have to be disciplined and just do it for your physical and mental health plus the Vitamin D in sunlight helps too.” Sharn decided to give it a good go again and told Daniel, “I have to get back to exercising regular but I find it really hard in winter and the psychiatrist said there is no easy way.” “How about if we walk together the same time every day or at least slightly varied with my shifts?” “That would help me a lot, thanks Daniel.” Sharn gave him a hug. “Let’s start 8.00am tomorrow and I will pick you up. You can get into a morning routine setting your alarm.” “I hope I can do it.” “As she said, just do it. Don’t think about it and don’t give yourself options!” “Okay. I don’t want to waste the money I spend on seeing her and not do what she recommends.” “Yeah, it would be a waste, I agree.” “Thanks for being so supportive, Daniel.” “You know I am there for you any time.” “Thank you.” She squeezed him hard as she embraced him. True to his word he was there at 8am for their first walk and she did not think about it but went through the motions of getting up and out in time. After a couple of days, she was able to stay upright and not go back to bed on her return and managed to experience a fuller day.

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Sharn was still having regular sessions with her psychotherapist, working on healing her inner child and she was making progress. So far, she had not come across any triggers that resurrected her insecurities and panic. Daniel was well aware of when she may react and was always there for her. John and I were so happy she had Daniel supporting her and we were pleased with her progress.

Daniel was great with people, caring in his job but he also had a keen respect for preserving nature. They were strolling along her street when she pointed out a gumtree she loved. "It is very majestic. Imagine a young sapling over 250 years ago growing 6 to 2 feet a year by spreading its limbs and clutching the soil near to the surface. Hungry and thirsty, it depletes the nutrients from around its base so nothing grows beneath its shade. It has its uses though. “Koalas nimbly nick up its torso and sleep in the crook of its arms and nourish themselves from the eucalyptus leaves, bringing back their young. Many years ago, dark humans used its sap for food and its bark for bowls and dishes. I was also used as bush medicine. Some trees became canoes but not this one. It had many neighbours back then. “Now it stands alone in a backyard. White humans discarded its neighbours. Ugly symmetrical buildings and noisy roads take their place. Koalas still think it is their home, despite the fence, and try to cross the road. They are too slow for the vehicles racing from here to there. “Still standing, it is lonely in this yard as humans and climate change have taken away its koala friends and its neighbouring trees. It is no longer found useful except for a cricket stump. Even the birds do not come because of the cat that lives there. “When fire came it used to go bald and charred, then regenerate with rain, but there is less rain and more fires and it is difficult to get its health back. It can be dangerous in a

Jaimewrenauthor.com 227 Rose’s Legacy fire as it is quick to temper and explode. Its roots are shallow and lose its grip with floods and can topple easily in strong winds. The new land owners want to get rid of it. “Imagine the changes it has seen in its lifetime and none for the betterment of nature." "Oh Daniel, that is so sad, but true." "Yes, it is all too true with climate change, fires, droughts, urbanisation expanding and consumption of natural resources which aren't being replaced and the pollution which is harming the interlinked ecosystem." "You are very passionate about the subject." "Yes, I wish more people were. Luckily there are groups that care and the National Parks are preserved, wetlands re-established and threatened species are being protected but hopefully it is not too little too late. We have already lost so much through extinction. Climate change and development need to addressed to factor in environmental impact." "If every person did their bit it will help." "Yes, exactly but governments need to lead the way." That was one of many of his insights of flora and fauna. Sharn was surprised by how compatible they were and all their shared interests, but she did not know about his interest in family history until she was telling her about her ancestors.

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Chapter 37 They were talking about Picton area where Daniel grew up and Sharn told him about her mother’s relative who lived there and her mother’s time spent at the QV Hospital. Daniel knew it well and spoke of his ancestors and how they hated the tuberculosis hospital on their doorstep. “Did all your ancestors live around there?” she asked. “No, that was just my dad’s father’s side. Most of my ancestors are Irish and English and came to Australia as convicts.” “Some of mine did too. Have you looked into your family history?” Sharn asked surprised. “Yes, I have and I have got so many relatives out there, especially since I did my DNA, there are hundreds of them.” Sharn laughed, “I know what you mean. I have done mine too. Which site did you do yours through?” She asked. “Ancestry.” Daniel replied. “Same as me. What is your username and I will have a look?” Daniel told her and when he got home, he rang her with his Gedmatch DNA number. When Sharn went on-line next, she was overwhelmed by what she saw. During her time with Drew, Sharn uploaded both their DNA and traced their family trees. When she looked at Drew’s DNA, she saw a match to Daniel! “How can that be?” She frantically searched through Daniel's tree for familiar names. She investigated both family trees to see where the family connection was but could not find the link. It wasn't a close link of parents or siblings but in the vague area of third cousins. Daniel did not have a great deal of information on his mother’s family.

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People share 50% of each of our parent’s DNA and 25% of each grandparent. Siblings also share 50% of the parent’s DNA but not the exact 50% which makes siblings different, unless they are identical twins. DNA is spread over 23 segments (strings) and relatives can overlap, or not, on the strings. Drew and Daniel shared a surprising number of overlaps on their shared DNA! When Sharn next spoke to Daniel, they compared the two family trees, and Daniel could not find the connection. They asked Bill and he did not know either. Although Sharn and Daniel could not determine what exact connection the two males shared, she understood why Daniel was like a reincarnation of her soulmate Drew, they had similar genetic makeup! It remained a mystery how they were connected, but to Sharn it was a godsend that Daniel and Drew were so alike. They shared the makeup of her soulmate. One day she hoped a person would show up who could solve the mystery.

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Chapter 38 Daniel sat with Sharn through a few of her sessions with the therapist. They were given tools to help when Sharn’s insecurities arose, and they learnt strategies that would help her feel secure and trust. Daniel was not judgemental, just there to help our daughter and she was progressing well. On New Year’s Eve heading into 2022, while walking barefoot, hand in hand, on a local beach with the waves crashing beside them, a soft breeze and by waning moon light, Daniel stopped Sharn and turned towards her. Taking her hands in this setting, where they had met. “Sharn, I love you. Will you marry me?” For the first time in her life, she totally trusted someone and was sure she wanted to marry Daniel. “Yes, Daniel, I will marry you. I love you.” She hugged him. “I love you too, Sharn and you have made me so happy.” Daniel hugged her then produced a ring and fit it on her finger. “The rings I am giving you are the ones dad gave to my mother.” “Awww Daniel, that makes them twice as special.” “Dad will be very pleased you accepted my proposal. He loves you too.” “I love him, also. Do you think he will walk with me at our wedding?” “He will be honoured, I am sure.” Sharn was sad John could not walk her down the aisle but Sharn knows we are watching over her. “Happy New Year, Sharn.” “Happy New Year, Daniel.” “Let’s go wake Dad up and share our news.” Bill hugged our daughter, welcoming her to the family and complimented her on the ring on her finger, the engagement ring he had chosen for Helen, many years ago.

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“Thank you, Bill, I know how special they are to you.” “It is good to see them worn again, and who better than you.” “Thank you.” “Sharn has something to ask you, Dad.” Daniel winked at Sharn. “Bill, will you walk me down whatever aisle we have at our wedding?” “I would be honoured, Sharn.” He hugged his future daughter-in-law to him. Over the next few weeks Sharn and Daniel spoke about when and where they wanted to marry. Daniels family were happy for them and Daniel’s son was going to be his best man. They planned an outdoor ceremony on the beach with close friends and family to witness their vows before a celebrant, and their reception was going to be catered for outdoors in Bill’s yard. Sharn contacted Drew’s two children and they gave her their blessing and wished her years of happiness. Sharn went shopping for a dress with Daniel’s daughter and chose an A-Line scoop neck asymmetrical satin lace white wedding dress. The skirt had two separate layers with the front just below the knee and the back just above the ground. Lace covered the bodice, over the shoulders and just below the elbow. Our daughter looked beautiful in the dress when she tried it on. On the morning of their wedding, Sharn had her hair styled with a comb of flowers in place then picked up the bouquet, a mix of white blooms, baby’s breath and greenery including gum leaves. Jessie was her bridesmaid, wearing a gumtree green coloured dress with a fitted bodice and layered skirt, similar to the layers on Sharn’s dress. They made their way to the beach and Bill was there to meet them and walk Sharn towards his son.

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John and I gave out a blinding aura seeing our daughter marrying her soulmate. Our daughter was finally truly happy.

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ROSE Chapter 39 Over the last three years John and I have been able to heal Sharn’s insecurities and fears. We reunited 50 years to the day of our separation through death and we have worked together from the other side, to heal our wrongs, sending our love and healing powers to our daughter no longer a child, but a grown woman. I could not heal her on my own but with my love and John’s we have been strong enough to heal her. Sharn finally saw her life clear of the fears of her inner child. Her purpose was clear, to move forward from a place of love and her inner child, that controlled her life, was now happy, no longer projecting her fear and insecurities onto the life of adult Sharn. This enabled Sharn to experience love in its full context without barriers and that is what we wanted for our child. Sharn looked up to heaven and whispered “thank you” to us for sending our love and healing and we felt Sharn was giving us her blessing to move into the light. If only I had the insight before I made the decision to end my life. My husband and our daughter would not have gone through so much suffering and Sharn would have loved and married earlier, having children of her own. John and I would have sorted our problems and I would have lived a natural life for a couple more years, until my weakened body gave out and not my mind. Our daughter and John would not have suffered so much. My decision back then did not just affect me. It had repercussions on others and a flow on effect. Now that Sharn was truly loved and capable of love in return, 57 years into her life, she still has years of happiness ahead of her. John and I have worked together projecting our combined strength and love, to heal our daughter.

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John kissed my hand as we turn toward the light, hand in hand, with Chief, Tiny and Sharn’s pets, by our side and after fifty-three years I can finally rest in peace and together reunite with loved ones in the afterlife knowing we have resolved our wrongs, with our daughter’s blessing, knowing she is happy.

THE END

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Rose – The Last Straw By Jaime Wren

This book is about Rose's life as she struggles, at an early age, with losing her parents to tuberculosis then her own battle with the disease and her teenage years in a sanatorium. She finally comes out into society, falls in love, marries and has a child. She again faces struggles with the after effects of the disease and her mental health issues and contemplates the unthinkable. "This book is an emotional journey through suffering and into wisdom. Sharn gives very powerful, insightful, and heart-felt advice that will help anyone who is suffering from depression." -Katie Beaton, editor and writer Published by Tellwell Publishing, Canada Keep reading for tips on living with depression.

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HELPFUL TIPS Extracts from Rose -The Last Straw Living with Depression Rose's daughter Sharn continues to live with depression and finds the following has helped her: Sharn's depression is not cured. It is managed with medication, therapy and educating herself about the disease and how to deal with it on an ongoing basis. Sharn struggles daily with motivation issues. Some days are great, and some days are not, but you just get through them and try to not dwell on the negatives or beat yourself up. Sharn used to think of herself as lazy, but she realised later it was more because of depression. Beware of night times, being tired, and rainy, gloomy days, which can make life seem more dismal but know a fresh day will dawn tomorrow. People who have not suffered depression (or who have only had a depressive episode after a loss and then recovered) might not understand what you are going through. Reach out to those who do understand. Also remember that addictions do not fix problems, they mask them and make you feel good temporarily, but create problems of their own and will ruin your life and the lives of others. Learn to feel your feelings, accept them and let them pass.

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Sharn’s Strategies

Sharn's suggestions to cope with depression are as follows: She is the first to say that she is no expert and does not always follow her own suggestions, but she does live with depression and knows no one is perfect and we are all on our own journey.

• REACH OUT • Talk to family or friends. Be connected and try to be social. • Have a network of true friends. Quality over quantity is what matters. • Ask for help from friends or Beyond Blue or Lifeline. • If you love animals and think you are capable of loving and looking after them long term, as it is a lifelong commitment, you can get a pet. They have "pets for therapy" through Guide Dogs NSW/ACT. These dogs don't quite make it to being guide dogs. • See your life from another person's perspective. Sometimes you can be so caught up in how you feel that you can't see a way out. • Remember, you are not depressed. You are a worthwhile person living with depression. • Know that you WILL get through the dark times, just persevere. There is always a fresh day where your perspective may change, or it is an opportunity to do something different. • Educate yourself about anxiety and depression. Learn about cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) or see a therapist who uses this technique. It helps you understand what is happening and gives you opportunities to intervene when you recognise what is happening. (Refer to Mindspot online)

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• It is helpful to believe in a higher power for when things are beyond your control. You can 'put it out there' or hand it over. • Learn to meditate as it helps change mental pathways. • Every day, recite to yourself (in a positive way), things you are grateful for, e.g. food, sunshine, electricity. • It is your choice how you deal with your depression. You can play the victim and let it control you or you can actively do things that will minimise its impact on your life, like thinking positively about yourself and life. • Try to think in a positive format, e.g. 'I am grateful for being well fed' and not 'I am grateful I am not starving' as your mind believes your word 'starving' rather than its context. • Seek help from your doctor (GP) who can put you on medication for your "chemical imbalance" and / or refer you to counselling under a care plan. • Take your medication daily, and if it does not agree with you, ask your doctor for a different one. Usually, the benefits of being on them outweigh any drawbacks. • Eat a healthy, balanced diet. Diet plays a big role in mental and physical health. • Get out of your head. Have daily goals you can achieve, nothing unrealistic, even simple daily activities. • Try to make an effort to do something for someone else... it helps you feel good. • If you are anxious about something, break it down into smaller steps. • It is important to get daily exercise and enjoy nature. Apart from being beneficial, it releases "happy" chemicals into your brain. • Draw yourself a nine square table, as Sharn did (refer above).

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Resources

Some Australian Resources

• Beyond Blue www.beyondblue.org.au 1300 22 4636 • Black Dog Institute www.blackdoginstitute.org.au • Anxiety Australia www.anxietyaustralia.com.au • Lifeline 13 11 14 • Kids helpline 1800 551 800 • Mensline 1300 78 99 78 • eheadspace, for young people 12 to 25 and families 1800 650 890 • Mental health services and support contact list www.health.nsw.gov.au/mentalhealth/services • Your doctor or psychologist • NSW Mental Health Line 1800 011 511 • Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 • MindSpot Clinic mindspot.org.au Learn to manage your symptoms. • myCompass website • SmilingMinds website • Call PANDA on 1300 726 306 re: post-natal depression that can affect any family member • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1800 273 8255

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Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

BASIC NEEDS (based on survival requirements)

1. Physiological Needs (water, food, air, rest, exercise, shelter, sleep) 2. Safety Needs (security, protection, health, employment)

GROWTH NEEDS

3. Social Needs (acceptance, love, friendship, being part of a community) 4. Self-Esteem Needs (independence, achievement, self-confidence, status, appreciation) 5. Self-Actualisation Needs (achieving one's potential, self- development, growth, creativity) 6. Transcendental Needs (spirituality, belief beyond this life in a higher power)

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About the Author

As Sharn has said, she is no expert but lives with depression herself. She also understands others have had a much harder life than herself yet still hopes her books book will help someone, in some way, to survive. ****

Jaime Wren pen name Find Jaime on Facebook page. jaimewrenauthor Instagram. jaimewrenauthor As you have found the Website jaimewrenauthor.com, under the menu there is also a blog with some insights and great quotes to help manage depression.

Jaime Wren lives on the Mid North Coast of Australia in a seaside town. She no longer has any immediate family members living but has a network of extended family and her fur family. Her family history research, lead to getting the coroner's report, which gave Jaime insights that made these books possible. The report contained Rose’s letters which gave a true insight into how Rose felt leading up to her death and it took over 39 years for Sharn to find this out.

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Acknowledgements Theguardian.com. An edited extract from the book, Justice Denied by Bill Hosking QC and John Suter Linton. A thank you to staff at Lismore ICU and apologies for any discrepancy in medical terminology or procedures within this book. Wikepedia Google search engine Canva app for cover design

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