University of Tennessee, Knoxville TRACE: Tennessee Research and Creative Exchange Senior Thesis Projects, 2003-2006 College Scholars 2004 The Soul of my Shoes Ryan James Dainty Follow this and additional works at: https://trace.tennessee.edu/utk_interstp3 Recommended Citation Dainty, Ryan James, "The Soul of my Shoes" (2004). Senior Thesis Projects, 2003-2006. https://trace.tennessee.edu/utk_interstp3/17 This Project is brought to you for free and open access by the College Scholars at TRACE: Tennessee Research and Creative Exchange. It has been accepted for inclusion in Senior Thesis Projects, 2003-2006 by an authorized administrator of TRACE: Tennessee Research and Creative Exchange. For more information, please contact [email protected]. c::. FORM3~~ COLLEGE SCHOLARS P~._L APPROVAL Scholar Mentor Project Title and Completion Date (Semester and Year) COMMITTEE MEMBERS (Minimum 3 Required) Name Signature fkfol!1r~ , i2(f-Lrgl l/Jofl;f/lf)1/ PLEASE ATTACH A COpy OF THE WRITTEN PROPOSAL TO THIS SHEET AND RETURN TO THE PROGRAM DIRECTOR. DATE APPROVED: ~!i~ 2c::JZ; F - - - .. Rainy Day Jesus .. - I know a man with fire, His eyes; perseverance, His beaten brow; truth, His jaw; strength, His tired back; suffering, His shoulders; mercy, His hands; and grace, His feet. - I met Him one rainy day; He was walking across puddles, his steps making not even a .. ripple or a splash in the shallow pools of water. He looked wet and weary, so I offered my umbrella to which He kindly responded, "Oh, no thank you," and continued walking, - looking up at the grays of sky and down at the greens, reds, and yellows of autumn leaves - thrown about the earth in perfect geometry to the soul. I followed, but a way's back, so as not to be a burden. He had to think I was up to something because often He spun His - head around and saw me trailing. One time He stopped, turned to me and called me .. forward asking, "What are you looking for?" "Master," I said, "where are you staying?" - "Come and see"* was His response, "only walk with Me, not behind Me." And so We walked in the rain, and splashed about in the puddles . .. - Anonymous - - .. - .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. - - ... .. - - the Soul of my Shoes - - ... - .. - - by: Ryan J Dainty - - - - ... .. - .. .. .. .. ... .. .. .. III .. .. .. - - - - - To anyone like me, seeking - To walk in the footsteps of Jesus, the Christ, - Lord forever and ever. - - - - - - .. - - - .. - - .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .. - .. .. .. - .. .. .. .. .. .. ... - - Contents - Prologue 5 - By the Tree 9 The Man with Watercolor Shadows 13 - Washing the Car 15 Time 17 Movement 23 - Fear 27 Faith, Hope, and Love 31 Brokenness 37 - Sin, Death, and Hell 41 Emptiness 45 - The Man of Eternal Rain 47 Waiting 49 .. Timelessness 51 Stillness 55 Fear 61 - Faith, Hope, and Love 65 Brokenness 71 Grace, Life, and Heaven 75 .. Fullness 79 The BarRoom Diaries 81 - Poetry 83 Introduction 85 The Reason for History 89 - Psalm 30:5 103 The Gray Man 121 Blinking Backwards 135 - The Cold Road 151 Sunday Morning 163 - Eulogy for All Souls 185 Epilogue 199 - Notes 209 - Appendix with Bibliography - - .. .. OIl , OIl OIl • OIl OIl OIl .. - - - - - - "I have a journey, sir, shortly to go. - My master calls me, I must not say no."* - - .. - - - - - - - - .. .. lit - .. .. lit lit lit lit .. lit .. .. lit - - - .. - - the Soul of my Shoes - - - - - - .. - .. .. .. - - .. .. - .. .. .. .. • .. .. III - - - - Prologue - - This is my story. That statement alone has a double meaning. Is it my story from - an autobiographical standpoint? Or is it simply a story I received, or maybe found, and have adopted as my own? Maybe both are true, but be certain neither is relevant. All - that matters is that I have been inspired to tell it. But I caution those of you who are - quick to judge. The Gospels were certainly inspired, yet they were also "heavy laden,"* to quote Matthew, with the agenda of the author. Now I am not taking a stand on the - validity or truth of the Gospels; that is not the point of this book, but my point should be - clear: there is a difference between capital T Truth and little t truth. The Truth is what we all seek, but we all have our own truths that help us get there. All that being said, it is - now up to you to decide whether or not any truths you find in here are part and parcel of - the Truth. And off we go. To begin I must confess both my brokenness and my selfishness, for both are true - of who I am, but perhaps selfishness is not the right word. Instead, I should say - arrogance. I confess my arrogance in writing this book. Only a few years ago I was a teenager, so why should I expect anyone to take me seriously when I write about what it - means to walk as a faithful disciple in God's kingdom? The answer lies in my - aforementioned brokenness. I do not have any answers, and neither does this book. Its - - 5 philosophies and little anecdotes are most likely cracked, but they have grown out of my experience and help me continue to stand firm in my faith and in my daily struggle with III Jesus. And yes, it is a struggle. People seem to always want to call it a walk, but it is not a walk. A walk conjures up images of lush apple orchards and white sandy beaches. Don't get me wrong; a walk is what our relationship with Jesus should be. After all, .. Jesus promises us rest, an easy yoke, and a light burden when we come unto him. * And .. that sounds like a walk in the park to me, so maybe when we actually abandon ourselves and fully come unto Christ and abide in Him, we are walking. But if you are at all like me, this is hard, really hard. I tend to get in my own way and find myself going back and forth between walking and struggling. If this is also you, read on. If not, read on anyway. No one can quit after two pages. .. The reason for this back and forth between walking and struggling is our .. impatience. When we struggle, it is because we either stop walking to admire what we are walking through; then it is only a matter of time before we realize our impatience .. with walking has left us stuck standing while our Savior and Companion walks ahead waiting for us to join Him again. Or sometimes we get so restless from walking that we need to sprint ahead so we can see what is to come. Again, once we acknowledge our .. impatience we tum around and discover that He is not all that far behind, and all He has .. been doing is walking. We hang our heads in shame, as our lives are reduced to an ancient fable.* But I picture this reunion: a calm, cool relaxed Jesus with all His strength III smiling at us with compassion and pity as we stand doubled over, out of breath, and .. sweating like crazy. All He does is touch our shoulder gently and push us onward in the right direction. The instant He touches our weakened selves we are restored to fullness of ... III 6 .. .. strength and we resume our walk with Him. We are truly stuck, incapable of movement, apart from our Lord. - If "we live and move and have our being in Christ"* then ideally we never stop .. walking, but this relationship is more often a struggle than it is a walk. It is a struggle .. between Him and us for our loyalty, for our lives. It is a struggle with a choice. And in this struggle it is important to remember that we cannot actually choose Jesus, for He has - already chosen us. Our choice is whether or not we choose ourselves. To choose ourselves is to deny Jesus His claim to us. As soon as we deny ourselves, and only when - we deny ourselves, do we make room for God's Son. - Making room for God's Son will be a recurring theme throughout the book, .. which, you will find, is in three parts. The first two parts consist of meditations that explore the arguments I have begun here, in greater depth. What does it mean to - recklessly abandon ourselves to the foot of the Cross? How do we live each day as the .. incarnation of the Risen Lord? How do we walk? How do we see? How do we, as .. Oswald Chamber says in My Utmost for His Highest, become totally separated unto the Gospel?* These are questions I will ask, and in the third part, a collection of short - stories, I will explore the struggles we endure for the sake of the radical discipleship .. Christ demands from us. How is Christ present in our world? It is this last question that lies at the center of every soul's search. Walking, seeing, discovering, embracing, never .. letting go of the Quiet, the Jesus within . - - - - 7 III -.. III .. III .. .. .. .. .. .. 8 ... - - - - By the tree - - As I sit quietly beneath the maple tree, I am by myself but not alone; I am never alone. The sadness I feel at the fading hum of a motorboat departing reminds me of the - joy there is for others as they listen for the crescendo of that same motorboat returning. - Laughter echoes from the kitchen forcing my heart to jump and smile. Gravel crushes - beneath the heavy feet of a nearby friend and I ponder just how amazing it is that Jesus walked on water. And of course, the stars. It is a perfect night, not a cloud anywhere in - the abyss of sky. I write by the natural light given me by my Father.