Cops Crack Down on Campus Crack Whores! HARD SERVING THE APATHETIC, UNGRATEFUL UMBC CAMPUS SINCE 1966 NEWS &HARD BODIES! A SEXY STAFF BIZARRO APRIL 1st, 1999 EDITION CENTER­ VOLUME 33, ISSUE 9, CHAPTER 11, PARAGRAPH 3, LINE 8 FOLD! FREEMAN'S SHOCKING , PROPHECIES FOR THE ~~'t~e \ I DARK YEAR 20 0! ortt I 0 Satan sighted over the admin building! o,\(.5 0 Parking mess relieved by "the mother ship"! .,e ''' D Beer rain to turn UMBC into wet campus! S'):" ~e· o Construction to continue ... now and forever! tO PAGE2 THE DECEWER WEEKLY NEWS Aprill, 1999 Freeman's Prophesies for the Dark Year 2000 UMBC Prez Offers ''Visions For the Future'' KRISTABAULL enues coming from the Chess team; it'd be Deciever Weakling Staff Fighter nice to know ahead of time which players to use," mused Darren Longhair, president of In a shocking twist during the "State of This the campus chapter of the Chess Club For Here Campus" address last week, UMBC Men. President Freeman Rabble-rouser surprised So what are these miraculous prognosti­ and amazed the crowd of students, faculty, cations from our president, by way of our administration and visiting dignitaries, when beloved bronze mascot? Swami offered sev­ he began to speak in tongues - his words eral predictions for his forecast. barely audible and nonsensical, save for one · "The university is making preparations for lone, clear syllable: "Grit." the Y2K problem, as Grit believes that all of Freeman, or as he prefers, "Swami," said the student records since 1966 will be un­ in a statement that most of the decisions he doubtedly wiped out and replaced with con­ has made since becoming president have been sistent A's," noted Swami. made with a little help from True Grit, the · "We are in negotiations with Lockheed bronze Retriever statue which stands outside Martin, who is apparently holding a grudge the Administration building. The statue, ap­ from several articles involving their immoral parently built on some sort of ancient business practices. Grit informed me just this Arbutian burial ground, has been "speaking" morning that they have several cruise mis­ to Swami since he began here in 1993. siles aimed at some buildings on campus, and "I was ashamed of it at first, but once I subsequently we've begun our bribery, er, realized that the voice I was hearing was not negotiations, to ensure the safety of our stu­ linked to any sort of mental disorder, I began dents and faculty." to channel the dog's prophesies," noted * "Satan may very well take over the Uni­ Swami. "He's been a great help to me in lead­ versity. He's been seen lurking, antichrist­ ing the way to an even more successful Uni­ like, over the Admin building, and we think versity." · he'll make us an offer," Swami said. So which decisions were Swami's and * "The Chess Team is slated to do so well in which were the dog's? the Universal finals next week, that at Grit's "It's hard to tell anymore," Swami admit­ advice I have instilled a Chess Major, because ted. "True Grit speaks to me, and I've just that's where the real money is," Swami noted. learned to incorporate his teachings into my * "Parking will become a non-issue, as the own life." Mother Ship that is set to land on April 2 will Reaction to this dual leadership has been, be conveniently equipped with vertical park­ to some extent, mixed, but for many it has ing spots on the flat surface of the vessel ... " been favorable. Shortly after this interview, the Swami be­ "I think it's great, incorporating our mas­ gan to babble ii;J.coherently about Grit's an­ cot in decision-making like that," said Joanne ger over his exploitation, and as he mumbled Reeger, director of theNo- Longer-The-Cen­ random rantings about not wishing to upset ter-Of-The-University Center. "The Great And Powerful Grit," he was The students agreed. carted away by several attendants from Damned Navy Ad "Prophesizing dog? Couldn't hurt, espe­ Hillcrest, and escorted to his new on-cam­ Satan Is Good ... Satan Is Our Master! According to Swami (The Medium Formerly cially with the entirety ofthe University's rev- pus padded dwelling. Known As Our President), the Dark Underlord could be next in line for the presidency. Crazed Christians Protest Silly Satanic Sponsorship BOB L. THUMPER mors were completely unfounded. The Mon­ affiliations to the campus were that of beef for the interior decoration of the Pub and ar­ Weekly Editorial Staphylococcus arch of Hell further explained that, although and meat product suppliers to the campus's chitectural design of the Physics Building, his lawyer (reportedly Johnny Cochrin) was eating facilities. The Prince of Darkness' ser­ though Mr. Mephistopheles himself denies For the second week in a row, the Chris­ not present, he was able to say that his only vices are also rumored to have been rendered any such involvement. tian Happiness Council (CHC) has led a ban on UMBC's Bookstore and Yumme Shopppe. In fact, as recently as last Tuesday the ban . Relivinc History turned to an all-out protest as the group bodily blocked the entrance to the UC. Many stu­ P'ans for Historic Hillcrest Are Underway dents carried signs bearing messages like: "Buy no more from Satan's Book-whore," ANNIE DEPRESSANT the maximum-security wing of Spring Grave anxiety courSes to the inmates. However, they and "Beelzebub shops at the Yumme." Deceiver Freaky Schizo Biter Mental Hospital. While the building is cur­ too will be limited to twelve sessions per se­ The controversy all began some time ago rently used to house Residential Death and mester. when Chris Yen, a sophomore and member Even though it was spring break, students the Rat, remnants of the mental institution Extra beds in Hillcrest may be assigned to of the CHC, stepped up in line to buy an an­ flooded the campus in protest outside of the remain standing inside. students on wait lists that wish to have on­ gel food cake snack and a pocket bible. When historic Hillcrest building last Monday. An­ In order to appease the student body, the campus housing. Students in need of imme­ the total of the purchase turned out to be gered that the university would hastily de­ administration has agreed to leave the build­ diate and constant attention may also be di­ $6.66, Yen refused to pay and ran from the stroy the old building without rehabilitating ing standing. In a partnership with Spring rected to the high security wing for commit­ store. Since then, the CHC has led an on­ it, students rallied together and carried signs Grave, the building will be rehabilitated, tal. slaught against the two UMBC facilities with exclaiming: '~Hail Hillcrest" and "Bring Back brought up to code and then returned to its The relationship has already begun, as a flyers, door-to-door enlightenment and the the Nuts." , original use. Donations of pink wall padding student who often refers to himself as the controversial protest. "This is a part of us, our traditions and our are being accepted. "Foolish Sage" was the first resident of In a press conference yesterday held in the future. [The administration] has taken our This endeavor will not only promote a Hillcrest in over half a century. Although UC Ballroom, Satan announced that the ru- money, our parking privileges, and our right sense of local history; it is hoped that a new campus police will not discharge his name to walk on a construction-free campus. We bond will forge between UMBC and the cur­ to the public because of privacy issues, the cannot let them take Hillcrest away too," John rent Spring Grave institution. For example, new inmate has been documented as ... need a· job? well, why Q. Stoodent said in his speech to the angry psychology students wiU be allowed to ex­ [NEWS ED.: PLEASE CHECK THIS Is i:t always abqut ....· mob. periment on the new residents, while the FACT] History has it that Hillcrest once housed a UMBC Counseling Center will move to > 'your needs, dammlt?' · cannibal in the basement when it existed as Hillcrest to offer stress management and test see ... oh, find the rest your own damn self · THE DECEIVER WEEKLY· -NEWS ·Aprill, 1999 PAGE3 Police Bust Ho RALFIE D. CUMMINGS at the protest. "Our sisters are seeing a dis­ Deceiver Weekly Qua/ce God tinct lack of action because of those damned crack whores! We need this policy UMBC Police busted a member of the il­ to return to the sorority sanctioned system lustrious Arbutus Crack Ho OrganizatiOn of drunken orgies." (ACHOO), as the result of new .policy spe­ Along with the sharp decline in the num­ cifically banning members of ACHOO from ber of attempts at coitus per week, the re­ the campus. search council's statement of cash flows "Any excuse to bust some ass is a good has been noticeably smaller. excuse," said Sargent Mike Hunt of the cam­ "We sold some of the crack around cam­ pus police. "We. used a method which has · pus, to make some extra money. Most of been recently revisited. Technically, it's our buyers are homier than they are ad­ called high kinetic expenditure, but we like dicted to crack at this point, so we've seen to call it whoopin' ass." a large decline in the amount of crack The change in policy will affect UMBC's we've been selling," lamented Ureezy. drug research community the hardest, accord- .